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I think you feel nice Claudia.
I really think it will.
Fix you right up.
Sing with me Bill.
Come on little bell sing with me.
You know the lyrics.
You lost and gone for.
It was my voice who left.
Sometimes I think it arrived on paper.
I wrote the picture.
Lies interchangeably.
Made me feel like someone else.
For Christ's sake.
The worth to belong to.
That is your daughter.
No.
To safety. To girls.
My mother. Her hair.
Her scar. Her stories.
Won a prize for that story belt.
And your daddy won an art
prize for this drawing. My sister.
My adoration. My heart.
I mean you look like a bone
in that nubby sack shirt.
It does nothing for you.
Look at me.
Trying to look like a man. My sister.
Taking everything.
Before you were even born. One take.
My sister is gone.
My mother is.
My father designs houses in
the room next to my smoking.
I wait for 5am. I pray.
Swim.
You know the drill.
One lick for every pound you're over.
Taurus.
Primer.
One for you, freshman.
So we'll make it count.
Miles does it take? To swim.
To a self.
So you really want this, huh?
You only got a three quarter ride.
Offered the whole nine yards, huh?
Delighted to offer a
partial scholarship.
Last one.
In my head I swam laps.
Didn't even get one full ride.
Hey, don't blame me.
If they don't want you, then
you don't belong there.
I could taste blood.
The answer is no.
Why?
Because he could.
And I was hit.
I'm a coach from Texas Tech.
I'm excited to meet you. Let's talk.
I'd like to have you on our team.
I almost loved her.
There's a gold bell.
Fucking disgusting media.
You should be ashamed of her.
My bedroom holds the wet and
the dark of my body.
It smells like my sweat. And chlorine.
Can't sleep, huh?
Yeah, me neither. Come here.
I want to talk to you.
Listen, I'm sorry I've been
so hard on you lately.
I guess I just really worry
about you out there.
Things are going to be
different when you go to college.
And I want you to listen to me.
He narrated what boys would do to me.
How they put their dirty
hands up my skirt and finger-fuck me.
Fond on my tits.
How disgusting boys would be.
Their hand.
Their hips running in and up.
And their dicks. And his.
Me sitting next to him.
Feeling the heat of him.
Without even looking.
What are you doing out here?
Motherfucker.
All I thought was my own
wide open cunt.
It opens the mouth.
Screaming.
Mother, mother, mother fucker.
I didn't know a girl body
could do that.
Shoot.
It had to explode.
Yuck.
Above your hands.
Father and my brother.
Who have the real voices.
I always hear them in my head.
Really?
What are they saying?
An amazing grace.
Voices of God. Poor Phillip.
I wish I could go back and apologize.
Where it's been gone.
And I know the peace will come.
I've been searching for the dolphins.
It's just a regular James Taylor.
Singing his heart out here in Texas.
And sometimes I wonder.
Do you ever.
This world may never change.
Where it's been gone.
And I know the peace will come.
How'd you always do that?
I feel it.
You're such a pussy.
Take a joke.
You're so fucking sensitive.
This is probably one of the
most pathetic things I've ever seen.
This is what I'm talking about.
It's like.
It's like talking to a
fucking doorknob.
Why didn't you say something?
When you say anything.
I'm being a fucking bitch.
So why don't you do something about it?
You're not a bitch.
Fuck you Phillip.
You don't even fucking know me Phillip.
It means lover of horses.
Or brotherhood.
Wake up motherfucker! Hey Liz.
Wanna get out of here? She's good.
I'll take her back. Hey man.
I shut that door.
Just shut the goddamn door.
I've seen you at practice.
Yeah I flunked out. That's cool.
I can still feel my face.
Addiction is in me for sure.
But I want to describe
something else to you.
Something smaller.
It's a smaller word.
So small I could travel a bloodstream.
Go away Belle. Stay away.
This isn't anything for you.
I'm not talking about anything.
Forty. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Yeah.
Lydia.
You can talk to us. It helps.
Trust me.
I'm not talking about anything.
You know.
I always like to say. Find meaning.
In life's traffic. Through clearing.
Spiritual barriers.
Proud of you. You know?
Yeah.
Hey.
Would you marry me?
Okay.
And children have their dreams
to hold on to.
And how they fly take us to the moon.
Yes.
They float from you.
Yes.
They float from you.
And they float from you.
And women have themselves to
hold on to.
And how they fly take me by surprise.
They float from me.
And they float from me. So good.
You did so good.
I made you some tea.
I don't want any tea.
What are we going to do?
Lydia.
I love you.
And whatever you want to do.
I'll support it. That's it?
More than nothing from the
most passive man on the fucking planet.
Sorry.
I've been kind of sick.
You don't want anything.
And you are killing me when
you're not wanting anything.
What were you thinking?
I don't know.
It's fucking impossible.
I can't stand how nice he is.
But I couldn't have killed it either.
I was thinking maybe there's
a world in which I come and
live with you and Eugene.
And take some classes where
you're teaching.
And I don't know.
Maybe we could start like a
little family.
Yes.
Because I think my life with
him is going to be like some stupid.
Sad.
Fucking. Country song.
And I...
Lydia.
I said yes. Come home.
Okay.
Cool.
Because she left me once.
To save her own life.
What are you doing back there, huh?
Playing with yourselves?
What?
I bring them to the most
beautiful scenery in the world and...
And they're just playing grab ass?
Look out the goddamn window!
Claudia.
Grab the hacksaw from under
your mother's seat. Come on!
Let's go.
Here you go, sweetheart.
For sustenance.
You don't want it?
Come on, honey.
Just have a little sip.
It'll warm you up.
Mmm.
Well, thank God.
Where's the tree?
That's the picture. Welcome home.
Oh!
Come on in.
Shit.
I'll get that.
Why because I'm pregnant?
Yeah.
Here.
Thank you, Claudia.
Do you remember when you used
to make me do things?
Like...
Here.
Bite this apple.
It's just sucking in my mouth.
Here.
Smell this ashtray.
Just blow it.
One.
Two.
Ashes all over my fucking face.
I would've done anything.
You were mythic to me.
And I went downstairs after
you moved into the basement.
I don't know.
I realized how smart that was
then, but...
I used to look at all of
your stuff and used to touch it.
One time I found a razor
blade in your purse, cut myself on it.
I made the fact that I had to pee hurt.
I know that this is a sacrifice.
No, it's just you.
You were so little.
This is one way to
Frankenstein your life.
Maybe...
I've been waiting for this.
Brie.
Where is she?
Can I hold her? Uh, yeah.
Her lips are pink. They're pink.
Just throw it as far as you can.
It's not funny. Get it?
Sorry. It's me.
God damn, girl.
What are you, some kind of mermaid?
Yup.
You got something to say? No way.
Come on!
You deserve this.
You don't want to come with me?
This is crazy.
I'm not even a grad student.
I'm basically just trolling
the English department.
You think Keezy gives a rat's
ass about UFO rules?
You will regret not doing this.
They won't even let me enroll.
Bullshit.
I already told them about you.
These...
He's gonna love you.
You don't want to write a
novel with Ken Keezy. Hey, everyone.
Um, hey everybody.
Hey.
You're an idiot.
Hi.
Um, this is Lydia. Say hi.
Hi. Well, hello.
What do we have here?
A triple-A tootsie?
Jeff.
Yes.
You think you can roll one?
I always hate sitting in a
room full of writers.
Sure.
The chair will be fine.
I want you all...
I want you all to be winners.
I want you to be warriors.
Warriors.
I'll give you the warrior test.
Shit floats. Cream rises.
Shit floats. Jerry Rubin.
Cream rises. Ferling Getty.
Lord Buckley. Lenny Bruce.
The greats.
I want you to be great.
Shit, somebody has got to
create our culture for the
next 50 years and I want it to be you.
All right, there are only two rules.
One, do not talk the plot of
our novel to anyone outside this class.
Two, I comprise 50% of the class.
So we only write together
because we will publish or
perish together.
Nelson Augeron says the job
of the writer is to pull the
judge down onto the dock to
make the almighty feel what
it's like to be down low.
It'll be all right.
Grass never killed anybody. So, go.
Right now.
Write some bizarre sentences.
Hey!
Where are you?
You can't take quaaludes
before the class.
Now disappear into your imagination.
Come on!
Disappear into your imagination.
Nobody's in the room but you
and that pen.
Here you are.
This is the shed.
I wrote demon boxing here.
This room here is a creative room here.
It's a creative space. Hey, Bennett.
You didn't even bring the
ludes with you, did you?
You know, those kind of drugs
put you into your body, not
into your mind.
Stick with the acid,
psilocybin, San Pedro.
Something to disintegrate your
ego so you can hear your inner voice.
And you write from that voice.
You know, 27-2199.
Let me see you.
hero!
We want your voice to come through.
It's supposed to happen.
I got rustler's knees.
All right, let's get outside
before the sun sets.
I want you to meet someone.
Come on up.
Fuck you, God.
God got the commandments wrong.
I think there's 11 commandments.
And it should be the first commandment.
Have mercy.
Lord, have mercy.
Just think, if everybody had
mercy for each other,
where we'd be today.
You see a man in the street,
needs a few dollars,
give it to him. Give it to him.
Have mercy.
He needs it.
He wouldn't ask for it if he
didn't need it.
Mercy, hire me to rewrite the Bible.
Lord, are you some kind of mermaid?
Yep.
You know, when Jed died, my boy,
I wanted to cease to exist.
And everybody that talked to
me said something asinine.
Lord, he didn't say anything at all.
He understands death anymore.
We used to be sacred. So sacred.
No one's big enough to hold
what happens to us.
No one is big enough.
You got something to say?
It's in your hands.
Everything about my father was
in his hands.
Before my father was my father.
He was an artist.
And your daddy.
Before my father was an artist.
He was an athlete.
He was beautiful.
And she was.
Before my father was my father.
He was a boy whose own mother.
His tongue.
Before I hated him, I loved him.
Look up.
You know, if you don't look
where you're going,
you're going to crash.
You hear me?
And get to the bottom of the hill,
you just break enough to make a turn.
Okay? Keep going.
Keep your head up.
You done with that, chapter?
Hey.
Huh?
I'm a writer. Thank you.
Thank you.
We are gathered because we
want to see the results.
We want to witness the
results of this experiment.
A collaborative novel written by us.
Please, let's welcome the
first of the not-so-merry pranksters
to the stage to present Caverns.
Lydia, come on up.
We're going to kill it.
Hello.
Um...
Behind my knee.
There you go. You too.
Thank you. We're coming.
Back to my knees. Lydia's father.
What can I say?
I'm a great admirer of yours.
Mike.
Is that right? That's right.
I'm glad you could make it.
Lydia and I, we saw a
cuckoo's nest and sometimes a
great notion together,
and it's just great.
I mean, great books.
You know, Mike, Lydia here,
she can knock it out of the park.
Do you want me to sign that?
Thanks for coming, Dad.
Mike.
Please. Be brave.
Yep.
I've seen a lot of writers,
and you got the stuff.
It comes to the most
spiritual beach on Earth. Hold that.
You can hold it all.
You're going to hold it all, girl.
So, so what's next?
Next.
Next. What's next?
Next.
I'm going to write the sound
and the fury.
Of course you do.
See if I can catch it.
Ready?
Yeah.
I'm not writing on that going in.
It has no metaphor. Fuck metaphor.
Okay.
It's just a rock that fell.
I'm going to get the rock,
and I'm going to go pee. All right.
Oh, yeah.
There we go.
You got it.
It's time I saw him.
You can write, girl.
I'm of the opinion that he drowned.
Caddy wants to fuck. She's insatiable.
And because her neighbor boy
man has a giant pants bulge
and a sound that comes out
of him instead of language,
she goes over to his house
and she removes all of her
clothes so he finally fucks her.
And crushes her.
He fucks her to death, and
she loves it.
And she laughs until she
cries and an ambulance has to come.
But it's too late.
That is the sound and the fury.
Try it.
Look, I've reread the sound
and the fury.
Reworking Faulkner is some
college shit.
Maybe try something original.
I don't know.
I hate them.
Hey.
What the hell does he know?
It is original.
It's a fucking pastiche.
Hey.
You want to go to the coast?
They got us a room. Hi, Hannah.
We're actually going to work
on these this weekend. All right.
Come on.
Sure flies on none. What's that?
I fucking dare you. Come on.
Anything. Any time.
Any time.
Anywhere.
Anything.
Any time.
Please be careful.
To feel absolutely nothing.
And we got some firewood.
Don't anything I wouldn't do.
Is this like a fuck trip?
What?
I never, I never liked pussy.
In water, like in books, you
can leave your life.
We're a happy childhood. We swim.
We race.
You went fast out, Tom.
We laugh like other people's children.
And the first and last name is like.
He goes and cramies.
And win, goela, bell.
Win, goela, bell.
Win, goela, bell. Win, goela.
Making song loops in my skull.
Mono.
Mono?
Isn't that the kissing disease?
Don't be silly.
Everything's gonna be okay, bell.
You'll see.
You're gonna feel better.
And your dad's gonna take
real good care of you. Aren't ya?
We'll be alright.
Okay.
Mama's gonna go sell some houses.
Can you just give it a cup?
It is language letting me say
how four weeks can be years.
It is the yielding expanse of
a white page.
Have you shown these to anyone?
No.
Work is so dark.
What do you know about pain, Lydia?
Um, I know that it matters to me.
I'm gonna take care of you.
Do you understand?
No, ask me for what you want.
That's not right, Angel.
I want you to knock it out of me.
To whip me.
Where would you like to be with, Angel?
Everywhere.
Take it somewhere.
Mom.
I'm trying to be precise.
At the moment my mother was
whining, Daddy was smelling my cunt.
I've reached my best moment
now, he explained.
Now I was sure what he was
referring to.
This is the moment of truth.
I'm going off, off, off,
jacking it off.
My hands are gonna be broken
from this one.
I don't even recognize my own body.
It doesn't matter.
I know you're mine.
I made you.
I'm making you.
I swore I'd live for pleasure.
My tongue is fucking enormous. Feel it.
It's reaching down to my waist.
You're seeing your actual
father in his moment of truth.
God Almighty. Nothing matters.
You're my God. My daughter.
I worship you.
I beg you to do it.
So I can please you.
Now look at it.
It's big in my corkscrewing hand.
Kiss it.
My father explained again.
I am fucking God.
And I made God. Holy shit.
All I have to do is look at God.
And God is happy.
Because I've made God come.
God is in heaven.
I'm in heaven.
And I've died the whole world
in heaven.
I'm coming all over your face.
I licked up his sperm.
It's just making me sick.
Who do you think you are?
My father's daughter. You're one.
Vodka!
Mostly all the time.
I feel nothing about myself.
I make fuck body pain shadows.
Septic.
To escape to year six.
when underwater stories start
itching and yelling begins a
rhythm where drinking gets louder and
go back to kissing women i
know and kissing women i
don't know and what is a
couple over time but a
line i'll show you a fucking
line your fucking bullshit is
taking over the house it was taking
over the house i didn't want
a drink i wanted to write
you're seven i finished my dissertation
you're eight i get a phd
you're ten you pretend you
said that you would love me
until i died you said
we would die together in love
where are you there is the
man who would love a woman like me
the data shivering arms little
tragedies are difficult to
keep straight chronology convinces
us we are moving toward a
real place swimmers to your
marks gunshot a gunshot
released our tense flesh
fathers were often
uncontainable while the little
women swam for their lives
swim hurry harder faster
a cacophony of men swelling
and pressing down on the wet
motion how many times did i
slip into the
chlorinated depths secretly
hoping to shed this useless
skin and emerge something amphibious
about gender and waiting to
see what comes out it's
creepy and idiotic starting to
piss me off
that i have to even think
that hole what i am saying
there is a woman in a room
who is tired of looking down
bleeding bearing and it of
remaining open with no hope
of suturing herself up it
isn't that i want it gone it's that
wanting to come from somewhere
near the surface with grateful
remind me why we're here i
thought this was your idea i
came here with you
delusion
women are idiots she begged i
changed my name
kill or suck the killing back
pump it into the story of someone else
my father lost his memory
from hypoxia that day i did
not kill him did not save
him i am learning
to live on land
go back
but have your parents read
this story and what do they think
join new york
you're gonna get an e-job
oh yeah it's so nice to meet
you thank you for being here
excuse me
do you have anything um
thanks
carol hoax smith
norton publishing
it's pretty impressive what
you did up there
thank you
no really it didn't look easy
tell me is there any more
where that came from
something in a little while
you should send me something
it's just that something in
me had been born still
it's a small stem we carry
shame of wanting something good
hi
chop and block
peer review
who wants to go first
really helpful
you know you can't look the wrong line
your one is just as important
as your own
you have to
it has to hurt
but i'm excited for you
something small and specific
caught my eye
an important detail
a bruise
on the bridge of her nose
letting me know that her eyes were blue
like mine
hey
i pay her pimp a hundred dollars
i ask her in
i tell her to sit down
in the story i say
this is what it feels like to be me
a woman who teaches english
looking down at a woman who
sucks dicks all day
she sits on my couch
smoking
look at her
i think she looks like mary
in the story
in the story i say
what am i gonna do
teacher
this is what me
an addict
upwardly mobile
given something as
infinitesimally small as words
to believe in
thinks
i'm looking at her
offer words
people say to me all the time
did the things in your short stories
actually happen
isn't that the
the question
when it comes to life
did this really happen to me
andy
i don't know
the things that happened to us
are true
but writing
is a whole other body
i was hoping we could discuss
my manuscript
oh
of course
yeah
i also want to loan you my car
saw you were taking the bus
and
i happen to have two cars
hey
you can tell a lot about a person
from seeing them in the water
thank you
for what
it's about if you swim with me
i read a couple of your stories
i know that swimming is a good deal
i always let my students choose to run
you know i wanted to say
i've seen you a couple times before
yeah i read about ken kesey
teaching at u of o when i
was abroad and i applied to
the program but it already happened
no shit this is funny
yeah i know
and then i've seen you
stomping around the creative
writing department
i was in the reading you gave a girlie
oh that's weird
weird
it was a weird day for me
why
my father
was
my
my father
your father
was abusive
your father
how's it
sexual
well
it sucks
i hope something karmically
fucked happened to him
yeah
kind of actually
it did
excellent
wow
it was a long time ago i
was a totally different person then
so who are you now
i'm your teacher
i'm teaching you how to take my car
i don't quite know how to
tell you what it feels like
watching the little woman swim
for her life
i mean
are you fucking insane
i can see the mother in you
there's more to your story
than you think
thank you
thanks
sir
what
out the room
they said it would be ready tomorrow
sure
i must
be weird right
hi dad
hello
no it's me it's lydia
i know that kiddo
i read that book
oh yeah
do you know who wrote it
um
you
that's right
did you read all of the stories
i uh
there was one about swimming
thank you
or a flattering of me though
that's fair enough
prize for that story
i got to go to new york
there's a real home
you have here
don't you
the safest memories are locked
away in the brains of people
who can't remember
oh
get her mine
no i don't
get her
Underwater, forever.
They ain't gonna count. I'm swimming.
Nose and ears and into my brain.
Uh, Miles?
How many times have you seen
mums swimming and swimming laps?
Lots of times, right?
Have you ever noticed that
I've never got water in my brain?
Water's never gone in in my brain.
You wanna see? Watch this.
Tell me how much water goes
in my brain, okay?
See?
Okay, pull.
I have a very important game.
I'm gonna put my whole head underwater.
Okay.
And we look at each other underwater.
What game is this?
I made it up.
The key is, make up shit.
I'm not speaking out of my
asshole when I say this. Come in.
The water will hold you.
It will針 on a nearly 80
seconds, so I thank you.
Yeah, it works.
If you are closer to an
hour, do I remember? Thank you.
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