‐ Previously on "Resident Alien"... This is what is left of my spaceship.
‐ This happened to you because you went to space.
‐ I don't think that's how space works.
‐ What else could it be? ‐ I have no idea.
‐ That little shit pocket.
I forgot to tell you, my people are coming to kill everyone.
‐ You're an alien, you know, phone home.
Call them and tell them not to come.
‐ I will try to build a radio and contact my people.
‐ The government is after him.
They know that I know who he is.
‐ What?
‐ And they went back to their base,
and now they're driving around searching for him.
‐ How do you know where their base is?
‐ We have our ways.
‐ Hello, Asta. We need to speak
with Dr. Vanderspeigle about that severed foot.
Well, I'll be.
Botulinum toxin‐‐ the murder weapon.
‐ Oh, no. ‐ Where is he, Asta?
‐ He went to hide in the cellar.
‐ Dr. Vanderspeigle!
‐ Whoa, what's with the guns? ‐ Asta?
‐ What in holy hell?
‐ [groaning]
[dramatic music]
♪ ♪
‐ That faint one there is Mars,
the god of war.
And over there is Venus, the goddess of fertility.
‐ Venus rhymes with penis. ‐ [laughs]
‐ D'arcy, Judy, that's not funny.
‐ Is there a girl hero?
‐ Olivia Baker, did we raise our hand before we spoke?
‐ Ben didn't raise his hand.
‐ Ben is working on being more assertive,
so it's okay for him.
[whooshing]
‐ Wow, what's that?
‐ Let's go! Asta, Kayla, come on!
‐ Cool! ‐ Wait up!
‐ Hey, hey! Never leave a fire unattended.
‐ I'll stay. [children shouting excitedly]
♪ ♪
‐ Wait for me, kids. Hey, you can't go alone!
♪ ♪
‐ I looked, but there was nothing.
I didn't see anything. ‐ I did. I saw something.
‐ Olivia Baker, you know the rules about lying.
♪ ♪
‐ Did you really see something?
‐ No.
♪ ♪
[laidback acoustic strumming]
♪ ♪
[suspenseful music]
‐ Dr. Vanderspeigle!
Dr. V!
Where the hell is he? Oh, shit!
Put your hands above your head right now.
You're under arrest for the murder of Sam Hodges.
‐ What? Harry, what's going on?
♪ ♪
‐ You're going to have to catch me first.
‐ Oh, shit! Oh, shit!
Deputy, we got ourselves a werewolf!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Hey! Hey!
[gunshot] ‐ Don't shoot him!
‐ Him? That's a goddamn it!
You need a silver bullet in your ass,
you albino‐ass werewolf mother‐‐
[shouts]
[gunshots]
‐ No, he won't hurt you if you don't hurt him!
He's an alien!
‐ I knew they existed.
♪ ♪
‐ ♪ Love and affection is all that you lack ♪
‐ You know what?
I think we deserve a toast with our toast.
Good work on the Severed Foot Killer, Deputy.
It's gonna be nice to move on to something else.
‐ Thank you, sir. You too.
‐ Mmm. ‐ Mmm.
I don't want to put my "foot"
in my mouth... ‐ [laughs]
‐ But I think we deserve to have more of this bacon.
And maybe even a raise!
‐ Ha! You know what?
Now that I think about it, you're absolutely right.
I mean, now's the time, and you've certainly earned it.
Let's get some more of that bacon.
[chuckles] [door opens, bells jingle]
[door closes, bells jingle]
[dramatic music]
♪ ♪
Morning, Dr. V.
‐ Howdy.
‐ How...dy.
‐ Wow, I guess it worked.
‐ I am an alien.
We are very good at changing peoples' memories
to suit our purposes.
They will not be a problem anymore.
[suspenseful music]
♪ ♪
‐ Deputy, let's get into the car
and drive out to Dr. Vanderspeigle's house.
We need to talk to him about some murder stuff.
[tires screech]
‐ Sheriff Michael Thompson, Deputy Olivia Baker,
Special Agent Fisher, FBI.
We're tracking down the Dead Foot Killer.
We've been following your movements
for quite some time now,
and I have to say, you two do excellent work.
‐ Thank you. You've made me feel good about myself,
so I'm open to what you're going to say next.
‐ We wouldn't be where we are if it wasn't for you both.
But the time has come for us to take over this case.
‐ Well, if you're taking over,
we should stop looking into the crime.
‐ Exactly. I can only tell you one thing about the case.
The murderer is not Harry Vanderspeigle.
‐ Well, you're lucky they bought that.
You know, when we were in the crevasse,
I saw you were an alien.
Why didn't you replace my memory?
‐ Because I am not alone anymore.
You can thank me if you want.
‐ For what?
‐ I killed the man who killed your friend Sam.
You are welcome.
‐ Okay, Harry... ‐ Hmm?
‐ You're still a murderer.
‐ No. I am a murderer murderer. It's very different.
‐ You can rationalize your murderer murder all damn day.
[whispering] But guess what.
Abigail Hodges is still accused of a murder she didn't commit.
‐ So what? You do not even like her.
‐ What is wrong with you?
Do you really have no empathy whatsoever?
‐ That is not what is wrong with me.
That is what is right with me.
‐ Maybe you should try
putting yourself in other people's shoes.
‐ Ugh! Other people's shoes smell like other people's feet.
‐ Hi, I'm Ben Hawthorne,
Mayor of peaceful Patience, Colorado,
where sometimes bad things happen
that are totally unrelated.
Some of the highest peaks in Colorado
are right here in Patience, but you know what's really low?
Our mortality rate.
‐ I don't think you should say "mortality."
‐ No? ‐ No.
‐ No good? You're right, it's a little too dark.
‐ Mm‐hmm. ‐ Yeah. Uh, Alexa?
What is another word for "mortality"?
‐ Synonyms for "mortality" meaning "death"
include "fatality," "bloodshed," or "dying."
‐ Alexa, stop.
Uh, you know what?
Let's just lose the whole, you know, death theme.
‐ Yeah. ‐ Yeah. Keep it positive.
‐ Yeah, keep it light. ‐ Keep it loose.
‐ Yeah. ‐ Okay, let me, uh‐‐
let me just try some of these.
[exhales sharply] Come on down to Patience.
We still have a working phone booth.
We have a pretty good dentist.
Our meth hospitalizations have been way down
since we legalized marijuana.
So come to Patience
for some good, clean family fun, you hear?
‐ Oh! Oops
How'd that get in there? [chuckles]
‐ See, honey, this is‐‐ this is why I said not to use
the cloud for these‐‐ it's not safe.
‐ Oh, don't be so uptight.
What's the worst that happens, huh?
Somebody hacks into our account
and sees pictures of our BDSM kink play?
‐ What's BDSM kink play? ‐ It's‐‐uh, it's‐‐
‐ Did we get a new game? ‐ It's nothing.
It's nothing. No, we did not, okay?
Go clean your room‐‐my cousin Carlyn's coming for the night.
‐ Can I play kink play with you and your cousin?
both: No!
‐ Uh, because she and I are going hiking.
You go clean your room. ‐ [sighs]
‐ So how long will building this radio take?
Can I help? ‐ Ha! Ha!
I don't know. Can a newborn pig help perform cardiac surgery?
‐ All right, you might want to think of another metaphor
before I push you into traffic.
I'm just trying to save the human race here.
‐ My problem is I do not have a lot of time to build it,
and human technology is very limited.
‐ I don't know what to tell you, Harry.
Get creative.
You know, E. T. used a freakin' Speak & Spell.
‐ E. T. was an idiot.
Obviously, sexy.
Very attractive...
but so dumb.
‐ Well, at least we have fewer distractions
now that your criminal past is taken care of.
‐ Almost taken care of.
Now it is taken care of. ‐ Are you serious?
Maybe don't throw a deadly toxin
where any kid can just grab it. ‐ Mm.
‐ Have you not watched enough "Law & Order" to know
you don't just throw evidence into a trash can?
Who's the idiot now?
‐ Still E. T.
Beautiful moron.
[dramatic music]
♪ ♪
[knock at door]
♪ ♪
What?
‐ Dr. Vanderspeigle, I am so glad you're home.
This is my cousin Carlyn.
‐ Hi. Sorry.
‐ We were out hiking, and she tripped and cut her knee open.
I was hoping you could help. ‐ And she's dying?
‐ Oh, no. [chuckles] It just needs to be looked at.
‐ I was gonna take her into town,
but Dr. Smallwood is...
Well, Susan Brown went in with a broken wrist
and came out with a cast on her ankle.
‐ If I fix it...
you'll leave?
‐ Uh, yes.
‐ Mm.
‐ Oh, this looks like a ring resonator.
Are you‐‐ are you building a laser?
‐ Are you a talking ham?
‐ Carlyn works in a lab at New Mexico Tech.
She's one smart lady. ‐ I'm impressed.
For a layman, this is really quite advanced.
‐ It is software‐based
radio‐telemetry‐transceiver technology,
but the inside‐out potato chip bag
that I'm using as a diffuser keeps melting.
‐ Wow.
I've never known a guy who was into SDR
who wasn't also, like, you know, a troll.
[chuckles] ‐ Trolls live under bridges.
I am not one of them.
‐ It means she thinks you're handsome.
♪ ♪
‐ I have a handsome human face.
And my skin tone is the same as a dead soldier
in a Renaissance painting.
chimes] ‐ ♪ I'm just messin' around ♪
[cell phone chimes]
♪ I'm just messin' around, around ♪
♪ I'm just messin' around ♪
[cell phone vibrates]
‐ Oh. Yes.
‐ ♪ Around, and I like it ♪
‐ Just, whatever you do, don't eat the snacks.
‐ Benny. Kate.
Long time, no see‐‐ well, together anyway.
I saw you up close and personal the other night.
‐ What other night?
‐ Poker.
Why? What night did you think I was talking about?
‐ Hi, I'm Carlyn. ‐ Hey. D'arcy.
So can I get you guys some sliders?
Day‐old buns help disguise the week‐old meat.
‐ We'll just‐‐ we'll stick to liquids.
‐ We just wanted to show Carlyn the town, and now we have.
It took about nine minutes.
‐ Well, if you're here tonight,
my friend Kayla just called a GN59.
It's, like, a party but with a decent chance of prison time.
‐ Sounds fun.
‐ Yeah. Yeah.
When anything stressful or shitty happens,
anyone in our friend group can call a GN59.
You have to drop everything
and go tits out on a huge girls' night.
Yeah, it's really fun. You should come.
‐ Well, can't tonight. We have dinner plans.
But, uh, wouldn't mind ordering a few drinks, though,
if you can just find that bartender.
‐ Oh, come on, Kate‐o.
You just said you'd seen everything in the town.
‐ Yeah, we should totally do it.
I mean, when's the last time
you let Kendra out to play, huh?
‐ Who's Kendra?
‐ Kendra was her alter ego when she drank too much.
Oh, yeah, she brought her out at a family reunion once‐‐
real wild child.
Oh, I'm sad. You've never met Kendra.
‐ Yeah. News to me. ‐ I'm sad, too.
‐ Uh, I'll have a pilsner, what would you ladies like?
‐ Come on.
‐ Okay.
Okay. Let's do it.
‐ Oh. ‐ We'll do it.
‐ Oh, but, hon, we already got a sitter.
‐ Perfect. Call a friend. You can go out, too.
Ugh! Yes!
[grunts] Can we get some service around here?
‐ [chuckles]
‐ Hey, Sahar, I need your help.
Wait, when did you get a dog?
‐ I'm not allowed to have a dog.
I walk Cinnamon for my neighbors.
She hasn't pooped in three days.
‐ Why not?
‐ She swallowed a whole avocado.
I don't walk behind her anymore.
‐ Ew!
You got to help me shave again.
‐ Your face looks fine.
‐ It's not my face.
[dramatic music]
‐ Oh. What? ‐ What?
‐ I need a lawnmower for that! ‐ What do I do?
‐ I can help you,
but we're gonna need some privacy.
I found it last week.
Your mom's phone still had battery.
They just...
left it here.
‐ Cool.
♪ ♪
[bird squawking]
♪ ♪
[radio squealing]
‐ Okay.
All right, where are we going, General?
♪ ♪
[static whirs] No.
No, no, no. No, don't die on me now.
Come on.
♪ ♪
[whirring stops]
Damn it! [sighs]
Where the hell am I gonna find a new dish?
[sighs]
♪ ♪
‐ I feel bad doing this.
♪ ♪
‐ Why aren't you looking?
‐ It's against my religion to look at the naked back
of a man who's not my relative or my husband.
Plus, it's disgusting.
‐ Is it gonna hurt?
‐ My mom says when she waxes her legs,
it feels like being stung by a thousand hornets.
‐ Then why does she do it?
‐ Because as soon as we hit puberty,
Western culture tells women we're not okay as we are.
We must rip out stuff that's supposed to be there,
insert stuff that's not supposed to be there,
and bleach everything visible to the naked eye.
‐ Hey, being a man is hard, too.
I have to brush my teeth sometimes.
‐ I take it back. I don't feel bad anymore.
[strip tears] ‐ [echoing] Aah!
‐ Miguel...
my belle.
‐ What the hell did you just call me?
‐ No, nothing, bro‐ham.
Just, uh, taking a little breaky, you know?
A little break‐a‐rindo.
[object squeaks]
Dog toy.
Oh, you got one of those, uh, Zen gardens.
I love these things.
May I? [chuckles]
Yep. Yeah, more, uh, relaxed already.
So, um, I was just wondering‐‐
I'll‐‐I'll get that.
Hey, uh, you ever tried those wheat beers?
You know, the one where you put the lemon in there?
I hear they're, uh‐‐ they're pretty tasty.
‐ What do you want, bro‐ham?
What, are you asking me out on a date or something?
‐ No, no. Uh, well, yeah.
Uh, but a guy date‐‐ guy hang, you know?
Just a couple brews, mano a mano,
"caliente accione."
‐ Look, I ain't got time for that, okay?
I take care of my father at home.
‐ Sure.
‐ Now, I need you to clean up all this damn sand
'cause I need 30 minutes of raking every day
so I can relax.
‐ I happen to know that Lewis would love
to get out of the house and have a beer.
‐ I'll think about it. How about that?
I'll‐‐I'll think about it. ‐ He'll definitely be there.
‐ ♪ I've got you stuck in my head ♪
‐ Thanks for letting us crash your party.
‐ The more, the merrier.
You know, a few GN59s ago,
we actually needed a few extra people
and a wheelbarrow to carry D'arcy home.
‐ Oh, wait. No. ‐ [chuckles]
‐ Yeah. [grunts] I came prepared this time.
I might need to make a quick getaway, so...
Hey. Hi. ‐ [gasps] Hi.
[both smooch]
‐ Hi. ‐ Hi, this is my cousin Carlyn.
‐ Hi. Kayla. ‐ Hey.
‐ Nice to meet you. ‐ Are you okay? What happened?
‐ Yeah, is everything okay with Shane?
‐ Yes. Yeah, he's fine.
I just needed to get out of the house.
‐ Oh, okay, I was worried.
‐ Can I just say‐‐ as a mom, I'm with you.
Sometimes needing to get out of the house is an emergency.
‐ Yes. Yes, thank you.
You know, you just need a kid‐ and a man‐free zone.
‐ Mm‐hmm. ‐ Amen to that.
I mean, I don't have a kid or a man,
but, you know, anecdotal evidence would support that.
The town I live in, all the men really suck.
My lab supervisor thinks grabbing my buttocks
is one of his job perks.
‐ Ew. ‐ I was really beginning
to think I was never gonna meet a nice guy.
Till today, that is.
‐ Wait, you met a guy here? ‐ Mm‐hmm.
‐ Today? ‐ In Patience?
‐ Mm‐hmm. ‐ No way. Who?
[upbeat jazzy music]
‐ Jesus God. ‐ Oh.
♪ ♪
‐ ♪ I've got you stuck in my head ♪ [upbeat jazzy music]
‐ What are you doing here?
You told me that every minute you're not working on the radio
is a minute we all come closer to certain death.
‐ I am working on the radio,
but without a diffuser, it will never work.
The pony‐haired one's cousin
is a scientist in a lab...
that uses portable diffusers.
‐ So what?
‐ I know that I am not as pretty as E. T.
‐ [chuckles]
‐ I do not have his bulbous football head
or his squat corgi legs or his...
platypus feet,
but I can be a charming alien
when I need to be.
Mm, mm, mm.
‐ ♪ When you were here before ♪
[soft music]
‐ So do you come here a lot?
♪ ♪
‐ Mm.
Of all the gin joints in all the world,
this one is closest to my house.
‐ [laughing]
‐ [laughing awkwardly]
♪ ♪
‐ ♪ I wish I was special ♪
♪ You're so very... ♪
‐ What is that perfume?
‐ Jergens Intense Moisture Therapy.
I did a BM earlier, so I had to wash them.
I get acute dermatitis
'cause I scrub them so often in the lab,
so I carry it in my purse.
‐ Mm. I don't wash my hands after I urinate.
The skin on my penis is very clean.
‐ ♪ I don't belong here ♪
♪ ♪
‐ Gram keeps asking about Harry.
‐ Uh‐huh. ‐ I think she likes him.
I think she wants you to have his baby.
‐ Ew! Gross! Shut up! ‐ [chuckles]
You shut up.
‐ Hey, actually, can I ask
your professional opinion about something?
‐ Mm‐hmm.
‐ What do you think is gonna happen to Abigail Hodges?
You know, Sam's wife?
Um, you think she's gonna go to jail?
‐ You know, criminal law isn't really my area,
but from what I've read,
I don't think they're gonna get a conviction.
‐ Oh. ‐ Yeah, sorry.
‐ No, that's good. ‐ Oh.
‐ Um, you know, I mean, if she‐‐if she didn't do it.
‐ Oh, but she probably did. I mean, it's always the spouse.
I'm a lawyer, too.
‐ No way. Where do you practice?
‐ I don't.
I gave up my dream to be a mom and live in this tiny town.
Now I'm happy. Shots?
♪ ♪
‐ I would like to...
go by your work.
Maybe you could give me a tour of your lab.
‐ Oh. ‐ Mm‐hmm.
‐ I love that you're interested.
That's very flattering, but I can't.
‐ Oh.
‐ Security is so tight, not dissimilar to my vagina.
‐ Your vagina is like a lab?
‐ Yeah, it's‐‐ it's tough to get in.
‐ It is?
‐ Lots of neat stuff once you're there.
‐ Are there monkeys in cages? ‐ No.
‐ Maybe it would be funny...
Ha ha ha!
A big joke if you stole
a telemetry diffuser... ‐ [laughs]
‐ And gave it to me.
[both laughing] ‐ They would freak out.
You could be so funny.
You're a kidder. ‐ [laughs]
‐ You should do it.
‐ Oh, my God. ‐ Do it!
‐ [laughs] No. ‐ Do it.
‐ But you are so sweet to ask.
♪ ♪
[clears throat]
♪ ♪
Oh. [objects clatter]
[indistinct chatter]
[rock music]
[cell phone chimes] ‐ [sighs] Hey, is that Liv?
Tell her to hurry up. She's late.
‐ Uh, no, it's just Jay. Just guy drama.
‐ Oh. Wow, you‐‐you guys text?
‐ Yeah, mostly emojis. Mostly eggplants.
‐ Wow, that's cool. You guys are buddies now.
‐ Hey, GN59rs.
all: Hey! ‐ Sorry, I'm late!
Trixie wouldn't start. I had to jump her again.
‐ Thank God you're finally here.
‐ Hey‐o! Sorry! I'm late, too.
But I'm here, though, finally, right?
Ooh, thank you. I could use that.
‐ That's‐‐ Never mind.
‐ Ugh, what is that?
‐ It's a gin and tonic.
‐ [spits] both: Oh.
‐ Ugh, it's, like, fancy.
Okay, I got to piss. I'll be back.
[scattered laughter]
‐ You text her? ‐ No!
How does she always know? ‐ She always knows.
♪ ♪
‐ All right.
All right, this is great.
Nope, wife in the corner. We're out of here.
‐ Where else do you plan to go, son?
This isn't New York City.
‐ Hey! Benny!
Your girl's safe with me, okay?
But am I safe with her? ‐ Oh.
‐ [mouthing words]
‐ Do you have any beer with rat poison in it?
‐ [speaks indistinctly] ‐ [clears throat]
‐ ♪ Swing, little darling ♪
♪ Swing until your daddy come home ♪
‐ Kate, you did good.
It was so nice of Ben to take the Sheriff out for a drink.
‐ Ben is so sweet.
‐ No, he's not. He's a dirty little bitch.
‐ Hmm. ‐ I'm sorry?
‐ [chuckles] Gird your loins, ladies.
I think Kendra has arrived. ‐ Oh, yeah.
The mayor is a nasty piece of work.
I cannot wait to get home
and let him slap a puppy hood on me
and jam a ball gag in my mouth.
‐ Oh, what?
‐ Ben‐‐ the one who makes candles?
‐ Uh, the wax he has isn't just for candles.
I have a nine‐inch ice dildo in my freezer
that Max thinks is for my water bottles.
[laughter]
‐ Oh, God, this is my favorite night.
This is the best night of my life.
‐ Can you please stop looking at your wife?
It's weird. ‐ Look, I, uh‐‐
I got to talk to you about something.
It's driving me crazy.
Okay, so, about a week ago,
D'arcy sort of...
kissed me. ‐ [chuckles]
It was a drive‐by. Not my fault.
No tongue.
Some tongue.
I just‐‐I really think that I should tell Kate.
‐ Have you‐‐ have you lost your mind?
You don't ever tell, never.
‐ Now, hold on a minute‐‐the man said he didn't reciprocate.
‐ It don't matter.
This is something you take to your grave, okay?
‐ Well, maybe I could, um‐‐
I could write her a note,
you know, explaining what happened.
‐ You want to‐‐ you want to write her a note?
Okay. All right, look, here's what I want you to do.
Here go $5.
Now, I want you to go down to the mall.
All right, you know that kiosk
where they'll write your name on a grain of rice?
Right, you're gonna give that guy that $5.
He gonna write your note on the end of a bullet, right?
Now, I want you to take that bullet.
I want you to put it in a gun and go home
and stand in your bathtub.
Now, you also gonna need a phone book‐‐
not something thin like Patience,
something with some girth like‐‐like Denver, right?
And you gonna put that phone book
up against one side of your head,
and you gonna take that gun
and put it against the other side, right?
And then you're gonna shoot you right in the head,
and that bullet's gonna fly right through and lodge itself
right around the D's, for dumbass.
And she'll get your note.
♪ ♪
‐ But I'm dead.
‐ You tell her, you dead anyway.
[laughter]
‐ You guys, what the hell is happening over there?
‐ Ooh, I think we know what's going to happen.
all: Oh... ‐ I don't‐‐I don't trust him.
‐ Your pulse is quickening.
Your upper sternum is becoming flushed.
You are becoming aroused.
‐ I am now. ‐ Hey, Harry.
Can I please talk to you for a second?
‐ I am so busy. ‐ Now.
♪ ♪
‐ Don't go changing.
♪ ♪
What is it?
She is about to present like an engorged macaque.
‐ You are preying on this woman.
‐ I am not preying on her.
I am seducing her so I can steal her security badge,
then I can break into the lab and steal a diffuser,
and then finish my radio.
‐ That's a terrible plan.
You're gonna swipe her badge
and‐‐and just use it at some high‐security lab
and think no one will notice?
More importantly,
you‐‐you can't just use people like that.
It's cruel.
‐ I am giving her compliments.
She is happy like a baby,
like a stupid, happy baby.
‐ You'll just never understand what it's like to be a woman.
‐ That is true.
♪ ♪
I am going to leave now.
Good night!
‐ Wait, what just happened? ‐ Uh...
‐ What‐‐what did I do? ‐ Nothing. I'm sorry.
[sighs] All the men in this town suck, too.
♪ ♪
[excited chatter, dance music playing] ♪ ♪
‐ Don't sweat it, Carly Q.
It's supposed to be a girls' night anyway.
‐ Yeah, that's easy for you to say.
I saw that ice dildo in your freezer.
‐ Whoo! ‐ Okay, all right.
Okay, uh, Judy's clothes are coming off.
Time to go to the yacht spot. Come on.
‐ Ooh, we're going on a boat?
‐ Uh, no, Asta used to have this station wagon
we called "The Yacht," and we'd drive it
to the middle of the woods and drink and sing like idiots.
‐ And, plus, it's where I usually barf,
so it's kind of like a boat in that way.
‐ Oh. ‐ I should go.
You know, I got to get up early and drive, so...
all: No.
‐ Okay. Well, I'll come with you.
‐ No, no, no, you stay. I'm fine.
‐ You sure? ‐ Uh, she's sure.
When you brought ice dildos into this conversation,
you made a commitment to this night.
[laughter]
‐ This takes me back, man. You want to go back?
[chuckles]
What? Oh, Jesus Christ.
‐ You feel it, Sheriff? ‐ Ah...
‐ You want to feel it? ‐ Oh, Lord, have mercy.
‐ Aw, come on. Dance with the girl.
‐ Is that what you call it?
Hey, don't be pushing me off the stool.
What's wrong with you? Okay. All right, yeah, go ahead.
‐ Hey, hon, you, uh‐‐you heading home to pay the sitter?
‐ Nope, you pay her. We are going to the yacht spot.
‐ [chuckles] ‐ Ooh.
‐ I cannot wait for the re‐election campaign.
It's‐‐Respect, okay?
‐ We're so proud of you. ‐ I'm really proud of you.
‐ Do you need‐‐do you need ice in that drink?
‐ Oh, yeah. [laughing]
‐ Tell me more about the guy who does the rice thing.
[upbeat hip‐hop music]
♪ ♪
[reggae music]
♪ ♪
‐ You remember class camping trips out here?
‐ [chuckles] Yes.
Third grade, D'arcy rolling in poison ivy...
on a dare. ‐ [chuckles]
We had to take turns itching her.
[laughter] ‐ Oh, my God.
Oh.
She's always been so her.
She's free.
Not everyone can be like that.
‐ Everyone loves her.
It's a superpower...
not caring what anyone thinks.
‐ Everyone loves you, too.
‐ Yes, but it's only because I'm nice.
‐ [scoffs]
You gave me a ticket once
for locking my bike to a stop sign.
You're not that nice. [both chuckle]
♪ ♪
[both trilling tongue goofily]
♪ ♪
[music skipping] ‐ Oh, Christ on a cracker!
‐ What? ‐ No!
[all groan]
‐ Oh, relax, you complete degenerates.
I keep a battery charger in my trunk!
[all booing] ‐ Poop car! Poop car!
‐ Oh, Liv, I can't believe you still drive this death trap.
‐ Oh, it's fine. I'm used to it.
‐ You know, I read recently that they make new cars now.
‐ [chuckles] John wants a new riding mower,
and we have money set aside for that, so...
‐ John's getting a new riding mower
before you get a car that actually works?
‐ Well, it was my idea.
He makes more than I do, so it's fair.
‐ Hold up. John makes more than you?
I do what John does.
You put your life on the line every day.
When‐‐when's the last time you got a raise?
‐ I've never gotten a raise.
‐ What? all: Oh.
‐ Okay, no, no. ‐ Wow.
‐ [whispering] I'm not sure this is a good idea.
‐ Oh, it's not, but we're doing it anyway.
‐ As a city employee,
your salary is part of the town's budget.
So we got to figure out how big is this pie
and why is your piece so goddamn small.
‐ [gasps] Especially when you're a freakin' Picasso.
[person gasps] Did you draw this picture?
‐ Yeah, I draw police composites of criminals,
which we are now.
‐ Hey! This is my husband's office, okay?
We can be wherever we want.
‐ We didn't technically break in, because we had a key.
[liquid splashing]
‐ Judy! ‐ Judy!
‐ Shh! Stop!
‐ Wait, found it, found it, found it.
"Civic Payroll for the Town of Patience, Colorado."
‐ No one's gonna know.
‐ As a woman in this world,
you need to fight for what you deserve.
And you deserve a goddamn raise.
Ugh. Jesus Christ! Who's Peter Jignac?
‐ I think he's, um, a crossing guard, I think.
‐ He makes enough for a new riding mower and a new car.
‐ What?
‐ Who's Brandon Touter? ‐ Oh.
He's the new science teacher.
He's actually a really nice guy.
‐ Well, he makes twice what you do.
‐ [gasps] ‐ Prick.
‐ What? Weren't you a lawyer?
‐ I have a JD/PhD. What the ‐‐‐‐?
‐ Who the hell is in charge of this budget?
‐ I know who.
He lives in my goddamn house. ‐ [gasps]
‐ ♪ For all the ones who bum me out ♪
‐ ♪ Shit list ♪
‐ ♪ For all the ones who fill my head with doubt ♪
‐ ♪ Shit list ♪
‐ ♪ For all the squares who get me pissed ♪
‐ ♪ Shit list ♪
‐ ♪ You've made my shit list ♪
♪ Shit list ♪
♪ ♪
‐ [inhales sharply]
[shouts] Kidnappers!
[person chuckles] ‐ Oh, no. Oh, no. Nope.
‐ Wake up.
‐ You're not having a nightmare, Ben. We are.
‐ You know what's a nightmare?
Getting paid 76 cents on the dollar.
‐ What?
‐ Yeah, there is a blatant pay gap
between the male and female employees of this town.
‐ What? No, a‐a‐as mayor, I only sign off on budgets‐‐
‐ A‐a‐as mayor, you need to fix this!
‐ Mm‐hmm.
‐ Yeah, the blatant sexism makes me sick.
‐ Yeah, damn right. ‐ Sick.
‐ Oh, honey. ‐ It's really gross.
‐ Sick to my stomach. ‐ No, no.
‐ Oh. ‐ Oh, God, no.
‐ [retching] ‐ Oh.
‐ You're my best friend.
‐ That's right. ‐ I love you.
‐ You see that? ‐ It's coming up.
[coughing]
‐ [groans] ‐ It hurts.
[knock at door]
‐ Harry.
I brought coffee.
[groans]
We're gonna need to make a plan about that radio‐‐
Oh, God!
No! Don't tell me you hooked up with Harry.
‐ Okay, I will not.
‐ Wait.
[quirky music]
♪ ♪
Harry? ‐ Hi, Asta.
‐ Oh, God! Shit!
‐ You have to come with me to New Mexico,
but, first, can you teach me how to pee?
‐ She hasn't blinked the entire trip. [dramatic music]
♪ ♪
Oh, this is wrong, Harry.
♪ ♪
Ooh.
Ah! Wrong and super weird.
‐ It was your idea for me to become her.
‐ No, no, no, no, no, do not put this on me.
I would never tell you to take over a woman's body
without her consent.
‐ She wanted me to take over her body last night
with my penis, but I did not do that.
‐ Oh, God, no.
It's not just about her body, okay?
It's a whole life we're invading.
There has to be a better way.
‐ To access a microsatellite network in time
to tell my people not to come here
and melt you all like crayons in a hot car?
I'll wait.
‐ [sighs] Shit.
Shit. Shit.
‐ Right here? ‐ No, no, Harry.
Let's just get this over with.
That's what you were wearing last night,
so you have to go change before you get to the lab.
‐ This body is quite stout.
‐ Hurry.
‐ Fine.
‐ This doesn't make any sense.
This says plasma levels
of testosterone and triiodothyronine
were diminished after space flight,
but it seems like your testosterone levels
are getting higher.
What am I missing?
I mean, do you feel like it's accelerating?
[smooth music]
♪ ♪
Why are you looking at me like that?
‐ Hello, pretty lady.
‐ Oh, no!
‐ So is this it now?
You're just gonna change into different people
whenever you want?
‐ Under normal circumstances,
it is too difficult to do often,
but the energy balls from my ship
make it effortless,
and they work on the organic matter in clothing as well.
Except I think it got my bra size wrong.
The wire leaves dents in my skin.
‐ Yeah, well, wait until you put on a thong.
[dramatic music]
♪ ♪
[device beeping]
♪ ♪
[device beeps]
♪ ♪
‐ Oh, yes.
♪ ♪
‐ Working late, Carlyn, my darlin'?
‐ I'm just trying to...
bring home the salt‐cured pork slices.
[grunts]
Good night.
‐ Why don't you stick around for a bit?
[Diplomats of Solid Sound's "No Man"]
‐ ♪ I think you got it all figured out ♪
‐ [choking] ‐ ♪ But you ain't got a clue ♪
‐ Aah!
[screaming]
‐ ♪ When's gonna be the time I say enough is enough? ♪
‐ [screaming]
‐ ♪ I ain't nobody's sucker ♪
♪ Nobody's gonna stand in my way ♪
sic] ♪ ♪
‐ Are you sure she's not gonna feel any different?
‐ [sighs]
‐ I mean, what does she think happened to her
in the last 24 hours?
‐ She will remember going to sleep
at Mayor Snowflake's house, driving home in the morning,
and then having a pleasant nap on the couch.
‐ Long nap.
‐ She likes long naps.
And it is better than being awake for her real life.
Her boss is a bad man.
‐ Yeah, she said something about that.
‐ Mm. He will not bother her again.
‐ What did you do?
‐ The same thing you would have done...
if you had the strength of six gorillas.
I am glad to be out of her body.
People treated it like break‐room yogurt.
‐ [scoffs]
‐ Even though her name was on it,
they felt comfortable molesting it
when they were hungry.
It is awful being short.
‐ Harry, that's not because she's short.
That's being a woman. Welcome to our world.
‐ You mean you all feel the eyes hunting you
like a baby deer in the woods, just walking down the street?
‐ Yeah. I tried to tell you.
You know, next time a woman tries to tell you something,
sit down, shut up, and listen.
And if you feel the need to say anything,
all it needs to be is, "Yes, ma'am."
[steady music]
♪ ♪
‐ Yes. Yes.
Mm.
Yes!
[knock at door]
[dramatic music]
♪ ♪
‐ Sit down, space man.
♪ ♪
Sit!
I know all about your silver balls.
I know Max stole one, and that's why he's been acting
like springtime lions in those nature videos,
but I also know you knew he had a ball
and did nothing to stop him.
Guess what. You're not getting your ball back.
I've hidden it where you'll never find it,
and I'm guessing now that it's gone,
Max will go back to normal.
And if he doesn't, you are going to hear from me.
Do you understand?
‐ Yes, ma'am.
♪ ♪
‐ Good.
‐ Humans believe they all deserve certain rights‐‐
the right to be heard, the right to be respected.
Asking for what you deserve in life should not be so hard,
but for others,
asking for what they deserve can be very difficult.
♪ ♪
[horn honks] ‐ Hey, D'arce!
‐ Okay! Yes, girl!
‐ What do you think? ‐ Wow, very fancy, girl!
Get your things!
‐ Thank you! ‐ Okay.
[chuckles]
‐ Posting flyers is against Patience civil code 1‐8‐22.
‐ [scoffs]
‐ And actually getting what they deserve
sometimes requires an act of heroism.
[Ahmad Jamal's "Suicide is Painless"]
♪ ♪
‐ Whoo! Ha!
‐ Women of Patience, have patience no more!
We demand equal pay!
[people cheering]
Way to go, D'arce!
♪ ♪
‐ [chuckles]
Wow, it's D'arcy.
♪ ♪
God, she is incredible, don't you think?
‐ Honey, there's something I got to tell you.
♪ ♪
‐ What is it?
♪ ♪
‐ I'm gonna have a word with the town assembly
and fix this pay gap.
‐ Yeah, you are.
Wow.
Way to be assertive, honey.
It's very sexy.
♪ ♪