Welcome to Hypothetical, the show that pits my favourite comedians
against a variety of tricksy hypothetical scenarios.
Let's meet today's guests.
On my right, it's Guz Khan and Richard Ayoade.
And up against them, Chloe Petts and Maisie Adam.
But now it's time to introduce my co-host and arbiter
of Hypotheticals, a comic genius and the host of the second most
popular comedy podcast in the country.
It's James Acaster.
- You right? - Yes.
Good.
Before we start, we need some team names.
Richard and Guz. What have you come up with?
Compostable.
- Because. - Because...
Well, we are.
Yeah.
And it is brown as well. Compost.
OK, Maisie and Chloe, what have you gone for?
We've been inspired by the women who've come before us.
Spice Girls, Girls Aloud, Sugababes.
And the most successful one at the moment, depending
- on when this goes out. - Yeah.
Little Mix.
We've gone with Big Mix.
Because we see ourselves more like Little Mix,
but on an industrial scale.
Yeah.
So we've met our teams. Let's find out what they're playing for.
James, what are the Hypothetical prizes?
This week's Hypothetical prizes are a replica of Lego land made
in Lego, two pints of salt, a guided tour of the world's worst car park,
and a cricket bat signed by Roger Federer.
As ever, all of our guests' responses
will be completely made up on the spot.
None of them have seen today's Hypotheticals before the show.
Just like a conversation with James.
No one has a clue what is coming up next.
There's a type of scorpion which, if attacked, can detach its own anus.
Our first round is What Would You Do?
James, how many points are up for grabs?
I'll be awarding up to five points,
depending on how they deal with the scenario, from one,
you've got an albatross around your neck,
up to five, you're flying around on a giant albatross.
The first question is a head to head. Winning team gets the points.
Playing for Compostable. It's Richard Ayoade.
And playing for Big Mix. It's Maisie Adam.
- Thank you. - Here is your Hypothetical.
It is the morning of the 2022 World Cup final
and England are playing Brazil.
Most excitingly, you're lucky enough to have a ticket.
- Oh, my God. - However, you have one challenge.
Convince Gareth Southgate to let you play in goal for a bit.
James, we have the rules.
Only one of you will be brought on to play in goal.
The other will remain a complete and utter loser who's achieved
nothing with their life.
No offence.
Yeah.
Are you a football fan?
A big, big football fan.
Richard. Top three goalies?
Tom.
- Tom, the goalie. - Yeah.
And then Bobby.
He was good.
I remember Bobby.
And then also.
I like the net.
Shall I give you Gareth Southgate's day so you know what he's up to?
Yes, please.
So 7 a.m. - breakfast with the lads.
1 p.m. - nervously sit alone in his hotel room.
1 p.m. - coach to the stadium, nachos.
2 p.m. - inspirational pre-game team talk. 3 p.m. kick off.
So how are you planning on going about this?
Great. Yeah.
First of all, dress for the job you want.
So I'm going to his hotel room
to knock on the door to ask for the job.
But I'm wearing head to toe highlighter yellow,
like a goalkeeper.
I've got my big gloves on.
- Yeah. - I knock on the door.
As soon as the door opens I dive onto him.
Yeah.
And go, imagine, Gareth, if you were the ball.
You're not in the net, are you?
I haven't thought that bit out, but it'll sound better.
What do you think, Chloe?
I really love the energy and the enthusiasm.
I've got a few additions.
- Perhaps to make the stakes higher. - Yeah.
As your team mate, I'll knock on the door first.
- Yes. - Pretend I'm going to attack him.
You come in behind me and that's when you dive.
Yes. I save Gareth. Yes.
From death at the hands of Chloe Petts. Yeah.
Yeah. Richard, what's your plan?
Well, I just won't assault him in his room, so.
Yeah, that'd be. That'd be the first thing I'd do.
- Yeah. - So, breakfast with the lads.
Don't judge him. He needs that. His time.
I don't know what the lads are doing up until the coach to the stadium.
Alright. Good point.
So in a way, maybe I'd use that time to get to know the lads.
Oh, you get in with the lads.
It's not the first time it's been said of me.
I will be getting in with those lads,
finding out what's under the bonnet.
Yeah.
And I just rely on them to advocate for me because I think...
So, James. To give a feel of that... Are you happy to play the lads?
Sure.
I already look like a lad.
Yeah.
I'm a footballer.
- Yes. - I'm hanging out.
Where am I?
They have like a games room, wouldn't they?
- You'd be playing like... - Playing FIFA, you know.
Yeah, they'd probably be playing FIFA.
They'd probably be bullying someone that looks like either of you.
What would your kind of opening gambit be?
Morning, chaps. Good breakfast.
Looking forward to your 1 p.m. nachos
before your massive cardio expenditure.
Yeah, we're looking forward to it.
Sorry, you have to excuse me.
I'm currently gouging out the eyes of a nerd.
Let's talk about where that anger is coming from.
Happy childhood.
- Oh, really unhappy. - OK.
I had to prove myself to everybody, especially at football.
Everyone said I was rubbish at football.
Hey, you are enough as you are.
Thanks, man.
Can I go in goal?
I can't believe I'm saying this.
He's absolutely played you.
- It was really good. - Thank you.
- Yeah. - Shall we see Maisie?
- Oh. - Well, hold on.
I don't have to act out what they described, do I?
We can play it from the moment Maisie stands up,
having wrestled Chloe to the ground.
Sure.
Waistcoat too small, James?
I don't know if Southgate usually wears a waistcoat
over a corduroy jacket.
Why are the back of waistcoats so silky?
Why have you never gone into observational comedy?
You know, it's work in progress.
What the hell just happened?
Well, Gareth, you've been saved.
Yeah. No, hang on.
No. Well, Gareth, I'll tell you what...
Goodbye.
If I could just...
Well, there we go.
That is how it played out.
Now, go on. I'll always give everyone a second chance.
- What will you say to me? - Thank you, Gareth.
I'd like to present myself as your New England goalkeeper.
Essentially, what just happened there
was I did one of the diving saves that I would be honoured to do
in the final this afternoon.
Some people are confused as to why me and Chloe
go by Big Mix.
- Yes. - And it's because of my big hands.
- Big mitts. - My big mitts.
Yes. Thank you.
We're actually called Big Mitts because rather than
goalkeeping gloves, I wear foam fingers.
And it will be those that I'll wear in goal,
and that will mean nothing's getting past Big Mitts Maise.
Oh, yeah, because nothing can go through foam.
Sorry. I have given you practical reasons as to why
I will be good in goal.
This man has asked you how you feel.
I didn't think you'd get competitive this early.
Oh, no, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
This person's not going to emotionally support you.
- Gareth. How could we decide this? - Let's get practical.
I want to get my feelings out the way.
I want to see how these people do in goal.
- Yes. - Don't make it competitive.
Don't make the World Cup final competitive.
No, I'm saying.
Right, let's get the goal out, James.
Yeah. Cliff!
Cliff! Bring a goal out right now.
His name is Cliff.
He works at Props.
He sets them up and could do better.
Alright. OK. Who wants to go first?
Richard, you can have the choice because.
Oh, bloody hell.
Now I've got the official World Cup final ball,
the first revealing of it.
- Here it is. - OK.
Oh, he's in shorts!
Oh yeah!
Happy with that.
Alright, Ernie Wise.
I feel like I'm a Victorian schoolboy.
That's what I feel like.
- Right. Ready? - OK.
This is actually so tense.
- It's so tense. - Right?
OK. You ready?
Oh, my God.
That's right.
That slipper came off.
What happened?
Pick your shoe up. Pick your shoe up.
This is going to take some beating.
Yeah.
- Goal saved. - In you go, Maisie.
Let's bring some aggression to this.
So are you keeping one shoe off?
No, I'll put the shoe on.
better be off by the end.
Just to let you know, Maisie, just.
Just bear this in mind.
You've got to beat probably the best I've ever seen anyone save a penalty.
Stop getting in my head. OK.
Aghhhh!
OK.
Aghhhh!
Oh, that's right.
That's right.
Oh!
Gutted.
Maisie, just to be clear, you lost a penalty shoot-out
to Richard Ayoade.
That's right.
I love it.
I'd like to go home.
Imagine! To Richard.
Can I just say there would have been a VAR inquiry into that.
The only thing I'd be using VAR for was to see if the top of Maisie's
head looked as angry as the front.
James.
Richard is hatching a plan where he emotionally connects
with the team to get in goal, and then he uses his emotions
to totally intimidate the penalty taker and kicks it clear.
Yeah.
Maisie is attacking Gareth Southgate in his hotel room and failing
- to save a penalty. - Yeah.
Look, going into this before we'd even welcomed the guests
into the studio today, we both said
there's no way Maisie is not going to win this.
Can we not? Can we just skip to the next round, please?
We were pretty sure she had this in the bag.
- Didn't even have to try. - Yeah.
However, I've given the full five points to Richard Ayoade.
It's time for James's Wishlist.
Dreams can come true.
Look at me, babe.
I'm with you.
I love it.
In this round, we're going to be picking something from James's
ever growing list of dreams, and our panellists are going to tell
us how they'd make it happen.
Best answer gets five points.
So, James, what's on your wish list this week?
For my wish list this week, I want Chloe and Guz to put clothes
on the Angel of the North.
About time. What the rules?
Rules are the winning outfit must be such a hit
that the people of the North keep it forever.
The angel can be dressed in any style of your choice
except bootcut jeans.
OK.
Have you seen the Angel of the North in the flesh?
No, not in the flesh. Let me just confirm.
It's that big metal thing near Newcastle.
Yeah, here it is.
- There you go. - There is.
Chloe, have you seen the Angel of the North?
I've seen the Angel of the North.
And it's like when you drive past horses.
What?
When you drive past horses, you go, oh, look, there's some horses.
When you drive past the Angel of the North,
look, there's the Angel of the North.
And then you just get on with your journey. That's it.
So what else are you going to do with it?
You're not going to stop. You're on a motorway.
So Guz?
I'm going to go straight in.
Yeah, I'm going to say Sharia law.
Bear with me here. Bear with me.
Newcastle United Football Club have recently been taken
over by the Saudi Arabian royal family.
Yeah, yeah.
So really, without any headache, I would think that the people
of Newcastle would go along with covering up that dirty, naked
Angel of the North.
Because if they don't, then the Saudis will pull out
and they'll be back in the championship.
And for the people of Newcastle having a vibrant football club
that might win the Champions League versus not covering up
that piece of shit, I think we know which one to choose.
What do you think about this, James?
I think I think that usually the format of the show involves me
doing an act out at some point with people,
and I'm not looking forward to that.
Well, let's go with Chloe.
I think I'd like to sort of go the opposite and sort of mess
with the people of Newcastle in a way that would sort of be a bit
of banter that would bring more tourism to the area.
So it might not be great for the residents, but it
would be great in terms of sort of boosting the economy.
So obviously, the Saudis replace Mike Ashley, who's the founder
of Sports Direct, who they hated.
So I'm going to put the Angel of the North
in a Sports Direct shell suit.
Oh, yeah.
And how are you going to get a Sports Direct suit
that is 66 feet tall.
It's quite good, actually.
Sports Direct do a lot of stuff that's in proportion to the size.
If they need a mug, that's fine.
James. You want to play the mayor of Gateshead?
Yeah, I'll be the mayor.
James. You got any props for this?
- Right here. - Oh, yeah.
- Head on down. - Yeah.
Remember, James, you can make it the shortest act out
you've ever done in your life.
Yeah.
Guz, could you present your idea to.
Send in the next person, please.
- Oh. - Hello, Uncle Gatehead.
- How are you? - Good, thank you.
Not many people call me Uncle Gatehead.
I'm right here.
Dear Uncle Gatehead, I like it.
Write a letter to me even though I'm sitting in front of you.
This is good stuff.
OK, listen, dear Uncle Gatehead, people in Newcastle
and surrounding areas.
- What's the area? - Gateshead?
Gateshead.
Yeah.
Uncle Gateshead. Sorry. Sorry.
- You called me Gatehead. - Yeah.
- Community. - Yes.
People in Newcastle, they're friendly, they're loving people.
Recently we've had a fantastic takeover.
Yeah, by the Saudi royal family.
I've tried to pretend I don't know
where this is going, but this makes me.
This makes me very nervous.
The Saudi royal family has taking over our club, and we want to do
something which the world doesn't often see.
We want to break the narrative here.
We want to go the opposite of the Daily Mail.
Yeah.
I'm completely on board for the opposite of the Daily Mail.
That's what I want.
Exactly. And so here's my proposal.
Uncle Gateshead, we got a big naked statue.
- Yes. - It's an angel.
- Yes. - And it's in the North.
- You've done your research. - Thank you.
Did my research.
So in order to bring the people of Newcastle
- and the surrounding areas together. - Yes.
And possibly create the first loving connection
between the north of England and Saudi Arabia,
we are going... Watch this.
This is the Angel of the North.
- Yeah, at the moment. - Yes.
All naked, dirty bastard.
Look at that.
In order to unite these two cultures that people wouldn't ordinarily
unite them with, we are going to place
a traditional Saudi Arabian garment over the Angel of the North,
worn by men and women.
And I believe, look, first of all, a lot of people think
this is repressive. I've worn one.
It's just really fucking comfy.
So my suggestion is, in order to bring about a Cultural Revolution,
connection, love between two parts of the world that have never
before come together, we place this wonderful garment over the Angel
of the North to show that love wins through tolerance and understanding.
Thank you, Mayor.
Would you like to pitch?
- I'd love to pitch. - Let's see the pitch.
Yes. Come on.
Get it, Chloe!
Oh, well, can't wait to do that.
- Oh, hello. - Oh, hey, it's Uncle Gateshead.
- Right. - Yeah.
Thanks so much for having me for this pitch.
Oh. Oh, good to see you.
You're up against some pretty stiff competition.
We've had a very bright young man in earlier who talked me
around to something which I'm pretty sure was bad.
Mayor of Gateshead. What do you think about money?
I love money.
I'd marry it if I could.
What would you say if I told you that I am in the pocket
of Mike Ashley?
He has got a lot of money and he'd like to invest
it in an advertisement opportunity.
- Here we go. - I'm into advertising.
What does that look like?
Be honest.
Well, I guess it looks like a bad dick.
I could offer you a lot of money to just pop this in a show suit.
Oh, like that.
That looks like a robe.
So if you wanted that, which I could offer you, massive show suit
on the Angel of the North.
The only thing that you have to do in return is just...
Now. We kicked them out.
You didn't kick them out. Newcastle Football Club kicked them out.
- Yeah. - So they now have loads of money.
You said that you like money.
So I'm willing to give you some of that money
if you'll do this bollocks.
- How much money? - Loads.
You don't understand how much money.
Chloe, chuck in a free dartboard.
And a free dartboard.
That the woman who attacked Gareth Southgate?
James. You got enough information to make your decision.
Well, there's a free darts board involved in this.
You call it return it, but you can't get store credit
if you don't like it.
Store credit? Points go to this team.
Four points.
And where does that leave the score?
Scores are, Big Mix has four,
Compostable is in the lead with five points.
Next up it's the Great Wall of Celebrities.
There they are.
It's like if Humpty Dumpty wasn't an egg and there was six
of them and they were in the wall and not on the wall.
You must take it in turns to pick a celebrity.
Guess how they answered a tricky Hypothetical.
Each question is worth one point.
Compostable.
Who are you going to pick?
- Top left. - Top left.
- Rev Bottley. - Rev Bottley.
We said to the Reverend Bottley,
I've dared you to slip a cheeky phrase into one of your services.
Which of these would you choose.
During a wedding ceremony,
Till death do us fart.
During the Lord's Prayer, Holler Be Thy name.
Or just the word fanny wherever you fancy.
- C. Final answer. - Yes.
Yes.
Well, let's see if they got it right.
- Fanny. - Oh!
That is how you play the game.
That's right.
Maisie. Both exhilarated and fucking furious.
How did you do it?
Just clearly obvious that she would use the word fanny.
It's a very malleable word.
- Yeah, it's good. - What context would you.
- If you were a reverend... - Let's not fanny about.
Let's get straight into the prayers.
Oh, that's good.
OK. Next question.
Maisie and Chloe.
Who are you going to pick?
- Mr. Motivator, please. - OK.
We said to Mr. Motivator for the rest of your life,
you must pay for things in one of these ways.
A, with a massive charity donation style chequebook.
B, with two and one P pieces.
Or C, with signed photos of yourself.
Let's say our instinct.
Ready? One, two, three.
- A. - A. Come on, Petts!
So that's what we'd go for.
But we have to think this is Mr. Motivator.
He likes to motivate.
He's obviously got a strong sense of self worth.
Maybe he's going C.
Oh, that is true, but...
This is the opposite of instinct.
They have got in our heads.
They're not in my head. They're not in my head.
Absolutely are in my head.
The reason is, is because they don't give a shit and we care too much.
Yeah. Yeah.
I have been very relaxed throughout this whole record.
Maisie. Let's go A.
- A? - Yeah. Big time.
- Obviously C. - OK.
Hang on.
You've gone A. He instinctively went C.
I am so vain.
So there's only one thing I would do.
Sign a photo of myself.
I'm gone. Take this off. I'm done.
Can we go home now?
No. Sit down. You're staying.
No points.
We live in your head.
Stop talking, Richard.
Guz, who are you going for next?
- Bottom right. - Bottom right.
- Angelica Bell? - Yes, sir.
We said to Angelica Bell, you have to fight Alan Titchmarsh.
How do you think it would go?
There's no options.
OK.
He's got trowels. He'll shank you.
He's got a lot of implements.
Where are our instincts leading us, brother?
I don't feel he would stop until...
..until you were in pieces.
And I think, like, he'd be very emotional about you
fucking up his plants, even if he was getting the better of us,
even if he had a hose pipe wrapped around our throats.
- And he would. - Yeah.
If we were just snapping the fuck out of his daisies, I think
you'd see a very emotional Titchmarsh and we could take
advantage of that moment.
OK, so what's your instinct, Rich?
I don't know her.
On any level.
- I don't know who. - Yeah.
Who is she?
She used to present children's TV,
now she presents gardening shows, etc.
She presents gardening shows?
How do you two not know your gardeners?
You're called Compostable.
I need an answer.
I think she would say
that it would end in her death.
End in her death.
Let's see if she said it would end in her death.
I think Alan would mash me up.
- Oh! - That's right.
That's right.
Perfect answer.
She knows her Titchmarsh.
Yeah.
Maisie and Chloe.
We're going lost voice guy.
We said to lost voice guy,
you have to start a shocking rumour about yourself.
What do you go for?
You've got to start about yourself.
So it's got to be something you'd want
going around about yourself.
But it's got to be shocking as well.
But it's shocking.
So what do we least expect of Lost Voice?
Oh, I've got it.
I've got it. It was all an act.
That's what he would say. That is what he would say.
He's not actually lost his voice.
He's actually in a...in a Welsh men's choir.
Yeah.
Let's have a look.
- Whether your accusation... - No.
..a man's disability doesn't exist.
It was all an act.
And it was all an act.
We should change our answer.
Using his own psychology against him.
- Yep. - Wow.
Wow, wow, wow.
You want to change your answer?
No, no. Let's...
Going to stick with a career ender.
Oh, no.
That's what he would say.
Yeah, that's what he'd say.
Yeah, he would say that his disability is made up.
In many ways the phrase that's what he would say
is offensive in itself.
OK. Let's see whether that was correct.
Oh, my God.
The fact that I can really talk and I'm just too lazy to try.
Oh.
Anyone could have put that voice on.
I've got to say, that was one of the most enjoyable 3 minutes
of my life.
That was great.
You knew as well. I bet you knew.
Oh, yeah. We knew.
That's the end of the round.
But of course, we'll see our celebrities again
at the end of the show for Big Hat, Small Hat.
Right. It's time for our next round, which is Not For A Million Quid.
James. What would you do if you had a million quid?
I'd spend it all on stocks.
Which ones?
Chicken, vegetable and beef.
Yeah.
- Yes. - We have a laugh.
We have a laugh.
You don't need to be offensive to be funny.
In this round.
We want to know how much you need to be paid to live
through a Hypothetical situation.
The lowest bidder has to tell us how they do it.
There's three points on offer if we think you could pull it off.
And if I don't believe your bid is genuine, I will disqualify you.
The question is
how much to do an impression of everyone you meet for a year.
James, the rules.
James, the rules!
- Very nice. - Really nice.
Just to be clear, you're not just repeating back what they say.
- You just have to do their voice. - That is correct.
You'll do an impression of the person you're talking
to for the duration of the conversation.
Isn't that right, Josh?
Yes, very good.
OK. Any questions on this?
So every individual person you meet, you go in pretending to be them.
Yeah.
And then say a third person joins the conversation.
Do you switch your impression to this new person?
Yeah, I'd say the latest person.
The latest person each time.
Yeah, right.
- Sorry. Just give me... - That's alright. Your head's gone.
Yeah.
Just, just relax, Maisie.
Just stop talking.
I'm trying to do maths.
I'm on your side.
OK. I think we'll start with Guz
because I think we all want to end on Maisie.
For free?
Yeah, because I like doing it anyway.
Earlier on, Maisie, remember I said to you,
whereabouts you from? You go Leeds.
And I was like, Oh, Leeds. I often immediately mimic people's accents.
Yeah, yeah.
The only person that I would need a guarantee from of my safety
is one of the lads at the local halal butchers.
Yeah. Because I would love to impersonate him because he's huge.
He's like six foot ten.
Lad at the butcher. Real thing.
Yeah, but his voice is incredibly squeaky, so I would love
to walk in there and when he's like, Brother, what would you like today?
Yeah, I'd love to be like, I would like a chicken wings
and a chicken breast.
I would need a guarantee because he's got
a big fuck off meat cleaver that would swing it round my head.
Do you know what I mean?
So I'll do it for free as long as I have that.
- OK? - OK.
Richard, what have you gone for?
I put £50,000.
Now. I'm very willing to imitate people, but the only situation
would be if I needed medical assistance
and the person was touchy.
So this is what I think...
- I am medically worth. - Yeah.
Chloe, what have you gone for?
Well, not to mention the elephant in the room, but me and Maise
are both white, and I think that makes things
a lot more problematic.
If you went up to someone like Gaz's Butcher,
and we would then have to do an accent back.
So I've gone for £350,000, and if I was given this money,
then what I would do is I would use it to live in like the most
expensive village in the country where you only ever
see white people.
I think that is what money is for.
Yeah.
In a certain way.
£40,000 is what I'd do, plus security expenses.
I just think there's going to be some conversations
where you're going to want a bit of protection walking away from them.
Fair enough. OK.
You turned up today.
- You met me. - Hmm.
Hello, Guz. How are you?
I'm fine. How are you?
Wow.
Everyone is David Beckham.
Hello?
- Oh, it's good. - Yes, it was alright.
- It's a nice, gentle voice. - James.
Hello, Guz. Nice to see you.
That's a bit more usually when it's like.
Oh. James was that.
You're like, you know...
So I don't even know about the voice.
I just know about it.
Yes. Like a velociraptor?
Yeah, a little bit.
We were watching you on.
I thought it was YouTube and Netflix.
And my mom was like, is he OK? Because...
Hello, Guz. How are you?
I'm fine. Yeah, how are you?
Oh, alright.
That actually reads as a massive compliment to me.
Guz thinks I'm a geezer.
Hello Guz.
This is how I talk.
Alright, Maisie. How are you?
Do I sound like that?
We have to let the audience judge that. I don't know.
OK. I buy that he's good at voices.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We just want to test him in one scenario.
How about I play your mate?
We go for some dinner and I'll see how you would deal with it.
James, you got any props for this.
- Yeah, right there. - Oh, yeah.
Alright, go down and take your place.
- Yeah. - So, James, what's the situation?
I'm Guz's friend, James.
James Acaster, the comedian, who Guz's mum thinks is unwell.
Hello, Guz. Good to see you.
Oh.
In many ways, James, that was all we needed
from the actor.
I'm just gonna say, give us the points.
Incredible.
You should just hand the points over.
Any points for them, James?
Yeah. Full points to this team.
It's time for On the Spot.
Yes. If you're tense before Maisie.
In this round, we're going to deliver
a series of rapid-fire hypotheticals,
which we want our panellists to solve as quickly as possible
so we can all get out of here and get on with our lives.
Josh will read out the hypothetical and then I will say the name
of the person I would like to answer it.
If we're not buying the answer, we will hit our buttons to stop
the clock and ask you what the hell you're talking about.
Best player wins the entire round.
- OK. - Are we ready? Here we go.
Here's the first one.
The names of the seasons are boring.
They need a revamp.
Give us a set of new ones, please.
Hot thing, cold thing,
little bit cold thing, boom.
Fisherman's friends have dominated the market too long.
You must come up with a new sweet aimed at Fisherman.
- Richard. - Fisherman's colleagues.
They don't pretend to like you.
They're just helping you clear your passages.
Scratching posts are already popular with cats.
You have to make them popular for humans.
Take them to the town square and demonstrate me
scratching on them.
I panicked with that one.
Oh, you're going to go to the town square?
- Yeah. - Because it's medieval time.
I just think we're going to have to see
- what that would look like. - OK, I'm ready.
- Yeah. - The bag.
I saw you clock the bear.
Saw the bear.
So. Well, this is what will happen.
Come hither.
Hear ye.
Come to the town square.
Good townspeople, and I will show you my gifts.
Ah.
Kind cat scratcher.
I buy it. I totally buy it.
Don't cats sharpen their claws on the.
They tend not to rub their anuses.
On the stick.
They can do that anywhere.
A harsh reaction from the townsfolk there.
Well, following the success of the shower one, the tube one
and the bow tie one, you have to come up with a new smash hit pasta shape.
- Maisie. - It's the shape of a windmill.
That is good.
So adorable.
Absolutely adorable.
Team 17th century wins again.
You have one year to make picking your nose sexy.
- How do you do it? - Guz.
Hmm.
A lot that year left.
Britain's banned balloons.
You have to smuggle 100 inflated balloons through customs.
- Richard. - I'll just put them inside me.
We're not pressing the button on that one.
If you want to know how they get inside me, press that button.
I'm interested in how you do it.
100 inflated balloons inside you.
I'd need a run up.
And need to be relaxed.
You've been given the job of making winking less creepy.
Show us how you do it.
Boop.
Why is she underwater?
Did you hear every word in the question?
A new way of winking.
Make winking less creepy.
Oh.
You see someone from across the bar and you say,
not many people come into this bar that look as lovely as you.
Bloop.
Absolutely fine.
Very good.
You must get everyone in Heathrow terminal four to do a single conga.
Guz.
Conga time.
James, after all that. Who's getting the points?
Think I'm going to have to give
because he made picking his nose sexy,
I have to give Guz the points.
OK, Guz. And how many points does he get after all that?
One point.
Chloe. We've been had.
Time for our final round, the one that decides it all.
We're heading back to the wall of celebrities
to ask the biggest question in show business.
It's Big Hat, Small Hat.
We asked our six celebs whether they would choose the big hat
or the small hat.
James, what were the rules?
We told the celebrities, You have to wear the hat
for the rest of your life.
You cannot wear a medium size hat over the small hat.
And these are the hats.
All you have to do is tell us which hat the celebrity chose.
James, before this question, what are the scores?
Big Mix has five points while Compostable is in the lead
with 11 points.
And who is this question for and how many points is it worth?
It's for Big Mix and it's worth seven points.
Come on.
Right.
We are going to fuck it, you know that.
Well, that is not what you want to do with the big hat
and the small hat.
- Just... - You don't know me.
So, Big Mix, it all comes down to this.
Can we have a dramatic lighting change, please?
Which celebrity would you like to choose to play
Big Hat, Small Hat.
What do you think, Chloe?
I think we should use the information that we've gained
from the rest of this game to inform us and go for Mr. Motivator.
He has got, like a strong sense of self confidence, so he might need
the big hat to fit his ego in.
And all his gym equipment.
Chloe, you know what we're using here?
Instinct.
So you're going to go Mr. Motivator?
- Yeah. - Big hat.
- Yeah. - OK. Let's do it.
Let's see what he goes for.
There's only one choice.
You want to know what that choice is?
That.
Because size matters.
Get on. Stay there.
Is that the producers?
Yes, I'm free.
Are you booking yourself on the show you're already on?
James, what are the final scores?
That means that Compostable have 11 points
whilst Big Mix are this week's winners with 12 points.
Congratulations to Big Mix.
You proved your worth in a non-existent Hypothetical universe.
You are this week's winners. James. What have they won?
As I said before, the Hypothetical prizes are a replica of Legoland
made in Lego, two pints of salt, a guided tour of the world's worst
car park, and a cricket bat signed by Roger Federer.
But those are just hypothetical prizes.
You've actually won a year's supply
of Fisherman's Colleague.
Thanks to our guests, Richard Ayoade, Guz Khan,
Chloe Petts and Maisie Adam.
Extra special thanks to my co-host and points enthusiast, James Acaster.
Goodnight.