1 00:00:37,963 --> 00:00:42,843 Welcome to Hypothetical, the show that pits my favourite comedians 2 00:00:42,843 --> 00:00:46,163 against a variety of tricksy hypothetical scenarios. 3 00:00:46,163 --> 00:00:47,603 Let's meet today's guests. 4 00:00:47,603 --> 00:00:50,603 On my right, it's Guz Khan and Richard Ayoade. 5 00:00:55,203 --> 00:00:58,643 And up against them, Chloe Petts and Maisie Adam. 6 00:01:02,563 --> 00:01:05,683 But now it's time to introduce my co-host and arbiter 7 00:01:05,683 --> 00:01:09,683 of Hypotheticals, a comic genius and the host of the second most 8 00:01:09,683 --> 00:01:12,163 popular comedy podcast in the country. 9 00:01:12,163 --> 00:01:13,523 It's James Acaster. 10 00:01:26,723 --> 00:01:28,043 - You right? - Yes. 11 00:01:28,043 --> 00:01:29,043 Good. 12 00:01:30,323 --> 00:01:32,723 Before we start, we need some team names. 13 00:01:32,723 --> 00:01:34,283 Richard and Guz. What have you come up with? 14 00:01:34,283 --> 00:01:35,283 Compostable. 15 00:01:37,763 --> 00:01:39,363 - Because. - Because... 16 00:01:39,363 --> 00:01:40,443 Well, we are. 17 00:01:40,443 --> 00:01:41,443 Yeah. 18 00:01:43,723 --> 00:01:46,363 And it is brown as well. Compost. 19 00:01:47,803 --> 00:01:50,643 OK, Maisie and Chloe, what have you gone for? 20 00:01:50,643 --> 00:01:54,203 We've been inspired by the women who've come before us. 21 00:01:54,203 --> 00:01:58,323 Spice Girls, Girls Aloud, Sugababes. 22 00:01:58,323 --> 00:02:01,283 And the most successful one at the moment, depending 23 00:02:01,283 --> 00:02:03,443 - on when this goes out. - Yeah. 24 00:02:03,443 --> 00:02:05,083 Little Mix. 25 00:02:06,323 --> 00:02:08,443 We've gone with Big Mix. 26 00:02:10,083 --> 00:02:12,443 Because we see ourselves more like Little Mix, 27 00:02:12,443 --> 00:02:13,883 but on an industrial scale. 28 00:02:13,883 --> 00:02:16,003 Yeah. 29 00:02:16,003 --> 00:02:18,843 So we've met our teams. Let's find out what they're playing for. 30 00:02:18,843 --> 00:02:21,443 James, what are the Hypothetical prizes? 31 00:02:21,443 --> 00:02:25,163 This week's Hypothetical prizes are a replica of Lego land made 32 00:02:25,163 --> 00:02:29,843 in Lego, two pints of salt, a guided tour of the world's worst car park, 33 00:02:29,843 --> 00:02:32,843 and a cricket bat signed by Roger Federer. 34 00:02:37,483 --> 00:02:39,323 As ever, all of our guests' responses 35 00:02:39,323 --> 00:02:41,123 will be completely made up on the spot. 36 00:02:41,123 --> 00:02:43,923 None of them have seen today's Hypotheticals before the show. 37 00:02:43,923 --> 00:02:45,963 Just like a conversation with James. 38 00:02:45,963 --> 00:02:49,523 No one has a clue what is coming up next. 39 00:02:49,523 --> 00:02:55,523 There's a type of scorpion which, if attacked, can detach its own anus. 40 00:02:55,523 --> 00:02:58,163 Our first round is What Would You Do? 41 00:03:01,523 --> 00:03:03,283 James, how many points are up for grabs? 42 00:03:03,283 --> 00:03:04,683 I'll be awarding up to five points, 43 00:03:04,683 --> 00:03:07,363 depending on how they deal with the scenario, from one, 44 00:03:07,363 --> 00:03:08,923 you've got an albatross around your neck, 45 00:03:08,923 --> 00:03:13,603 up to five, you're flying around on a giant albatross. 46 00:03:13,603 --> 00:03:16,483 The first question is a head to head. Winning team gets the points. 47 00:03:16,483 --> 00:03:18,363 Playing for Compostable. It's Richard Ayoade. 48 00:03:18,363 --> 00:03:20,203 And playing for Big Mix. It's Maisie Adam. 49 00:03:20,203 --> 00:03:22,603 - Thank you. - Here is your Hypothetical. 50 00:03:22,603 --> 00:03:26,283 It is the morning of the 2022 World Cup final 51 00:03:26,283 --> 00:03:28,643 and England are playing Brazil. 52 00:03:28,643 --> 00:03:31,963 Most excitingly, you're lucky enough to have a ticket. 53 00:03:31,963 --> 00:03:34,563 - Oh, my God. - However, you have one challenge. 54 00:03:34,563 --> 00:03:38,843 Convince Gareth Southgate to let you play in goal for a bit. 55 00:03:40,603 --> 00:03:42,603 James, we have the rules. 56 00:03:42,603 --> 00:03:45,963 Only one of you will be brought on to play in goal. 57 00:03:45,963 --> 00:03:50,803 The other will remain a complete and utter loser who's achieved 58 00:03:50,803 --> 00:03:52,923 nothing with their life. 59 00:03:52,923 --> 00:03:53,923 No offence. 60 00:03:53,923 --> 00:03:55,043 Yeah. 61 00:03:55,043 --> 00:03:56,163 Are you a football fan? 62 00:03:56,163 --> 00:03:57,763 A big, big football fan. 63 00:03:57,763 --> 00:03:59,763 Richard. Top three goalies? 64 00:04:01,083 --> 00:04:03,643 Tom. 65 00:04:03,643 --> 00:04:06,203 - Tom, the goalie. - Yeah. 66 00:04:06,203 --> 00:04:08,763 And then Bobby. 67 00:04:08,763 --> 00:04:10,923 He was good. 68 00:04:10,923 --> 00:04:12,323 I remember Bobby. 69 00:04:12,323 --> 00:04:13,843 And then also. 70 00:04:13,843 --> 00:04:14,883 I like the net. 71 00:04:18,483 --> 00:04:20,803 Shall I give you Gareth Southgate's day so you know what he's up to? 72 00:04:20,803 --> 00:04:21,803 Yes, please. 73 00:04:21,803 --> 00:04:24,283 So 7 a.m. - breakfast with the lads. 74 00:04:24,283 --> 00:04:28,083 1 p.m. - nervously sit alone in his hotel room. 75 00:04:28,083 --> 00:04:31,083 1 p.m. - coach to the stadium, nachos. 76 00:04:31,083 --> 00:04:34,283 2 p.m. - inspirational pre-game team talk. 3 p.m. kick off. 77 00:04:34,283 --> 00:04:36,443 So how are you planning on going about this? 78 00:04:36,443 --> 00:04:37,723 Great. Yeah. 79 00:04:37,723 --> 00:04:40,763 First of all, dress for the job you want. 80 00:04:40,763 --> 00:04:42,403 So I'm going to his hotel room 81 00:04:42,403 --> 00:04:44,723 to knock on the door to ask for the job. 82 00:04:44,723 --> 00:04:47,803 But I'm wearing head to toe highlighter yellow, 83 00:04:47,803 --> 00:04:49,563 like a goalkeeper. 84 00:04:49,563 --> 00:04:51,003 I've got my big gloves on. 85 00:04:51,003 --> 00:04:52,723 - Yeah. - I knock on the door. 86 00:04:52,723 --> 00:04:57,363 As soon as the door opens I dive onto him. 87 00:04:57,363 --> 00:04:58,363 Yeah. 88 00:04:58,363 --> 00:05:00,963 And go, imagine, Gareth, if you were the ball. 89 00:05:00,963 --> 00:05:02,643 You're not in the net, are you? 90 00:05:02,643 --> 00:05:05,563 I haven't thought that bit out, but it'll sound better. 91 00:05:05,563 --> 00:05:06,563 What do you think, Chloe? 92 00:05:06,563 --> 00:05:08,723 I really love the energy and the enthusiasm. 93 00:05:08,723 --> 00:05:10,003 I've got a few additions. 94 00:05:10,003 --> 00:05:12,723 - Perhaps to make the stakes higher. - Yeah. 95 00:05:12,723 --> 00:05:16,123 As your team mate, I'll knock on the door first. 96 00:05:16,123 --> 00:05:19,003 - Yes. - Pretend I'm going to attack him. 97 00:05:19,003 --> 00:05:22,443 You come in behind me and that's when you dive. 98 00:05:22,443 --> 00:05:24,803 Yes. I save Gareth. Yes. 99 00:05:24,803 --> 00:05:26,723 From death at the hands of Chloe Petts. Yeah. 100 00:05:26,723 --> 00:05:28,603 Yeah. Richard, what's your plan? 101 00:05:28,603 --> 00:05:31,843 Well, I just won't assault him in his room, so. 102 00:05:31,843 --> 00:05:34,523 Yeah, that'd be. That'd be the first thing I'd do. 103 00:05:34,523 --> 00:05:37,243 - Yeah. - So, breakfast with the lads. 104 00:05:38,323 --> 00:05:41,563 Don't judge him. He needs that. His time. 105 00:05:41,563 --> 00:05:46,323 I don't know what the lads are doing up until the coach to the stadium. 106 00:05:46,323 --> 00:05:47,323 Alright. Good point. 107 00:05:47,323 --> 00:05:50,803 So in a way, maybe I'd use that time to get to know the lads. 108 00:05:50,803 --> 00:05:53,163 Oh, you get in with the lads. 109 00:05:53,163 --> 00:05:55,283 It's not the first time it's been said of me. 110 00:05:55,283 --> 00:05:57,963 I will be getting in with those lads, 111 00:05:57,963 --> 00:06:00,483 finding out what's under the bonnet. 112 00:06:00,483 --> 00:06:01,483 Yeah. 113 00:06:01,483 --> 00:06:05,163 And I just rely on them to advocate for me because I think... 114 00:06:05,163 --> 00:06:08,403 So, James. To give a feel of that... Are you happy to play the lads? 115 00:06:08,403 --> 00:06:09,923 Sure. 116 00:06:09,923 --> 00:06:11,323 I already look like a lad. 117 00:06:11,323 --> 00:06:12,323 Yeah. 118 00:06:13,443 --> 00:06:14,683 I'm a footballer. 119 00:06:14,683 --> 00:06:15,883 - Yes. - I'm hanging out. 120 00:06:15,883 --> 00:06:17,123 Where am I? 121 00:06:17,123 --> 00:06:18,563 They have like a games room, wouldn't they? 122 00:06:18,563 --> 00:06:20,963 - You'd be playing like... - Playing FIFA, you know. 123 00:06:20,963 --> 00:06:22,563 Yeah, they'd probably be playing FIFA. 124 00:06:22,563 --> 00:06:26,403 They'd probably be bullying someone that looks like either of you. 125 00:06:31,483 --> 00:06:34,483 What would your kind of opening gambit be? 126 00:06:34,483 --> 00:06:36,683 Morning, chaps. Good breakfast. 127 00:06:38,043 --> 00:06:40,203 Looking forward to your 1 p.m. nachos 128 00:06:40,203 --> 00:06:43,003 before your massive cardio expenditure. 129 00:06:44,643 --> 00:06:45,963 Yeah, we're looking forward to it. 130 00:06:45,963 --> 00:06:47,163 Sorry, you have to excuse me. 131 00:06:47,163 --> 00:06:50,403 I'm currently gouging out the eyes of a nerd. 132 00:06:53,003 --> 00:06:57,203 Let's talk about where that anger is coming from. 133 00:06:57,203 --> 00:06:58,283 Happy childhood. 134 00:06:58,283 --> 00:07:00,283 - Oh, really unhappy. - OK. 135 00:07:00,283 --> 00:07:02,363 I had to prove myself to everybody, especially at football. 136 00:07:02,363 --> 00:07:03,843 Everyone said I was rubbish at football. 137 00:07:03,843 --> 00:07:06,763 Hey, you are enough as you are. 138 00:07:06,763 --> 00:07:07,883 Thanks, man. 139 00:07:07,883 --> 00:07:09,003 Can I go in goal? 140 00:07:15,363 --> 00:07:16,843 I can't believe I'm saying this. 141 00:07:16,843 --> 00:07:19,083 He's absolutely played you. 142 00:07:19,083 --> 00:07:20,763 - It was really good. - Thank you. 143 00:07:20,763 --> 00:07:22,523 - Yeah. - Shall we see Maisie? 144 00:07:22,523 --> 00:07:24,243 - Oh. - Well, hold on. 145 00:07:24,243 --> 00:07:28,123 I don't have to act out what they described, do I? 146 00:07:28,123 --> 00:07:31,483 We can play it from the moment Maisie stands up, 147 00:07:31,483 --> 00:07:33,643 having wrestled Chloe to the ground. 148 00:07:33,643 --> 00:07:34,643 Sure. 149 00:07:34,643 --> 00:07:36,283 Waistcoat too small, James? 150 00:07:36,283 --> 00:07:38,403 I don't know if Southgate usually wears a waistcoat 151 00:07:38,403 --> 00:07:40,043 over a corduroy jacket. 152 00:07:41,563 --> 00:07:44,083 Why are the back of waistcoats so silky? 153 00:07:45,203 --> 00:07:48,923 Why have you never gone into observational comedy? 154 00:07:48,923 --> 00:07:51,483 You know, it's work in progress. 155 00:07:51,483 --> 00:07:52,923 What the hell just happened? 156 00:07:52,923 --> 00:07:55,243 Well, Gareth, you've been saved. 157 00:07:56,643 --> 00:07:58,403 Yeah. No, hang on. 158 00:07:58,403 --> 00:08:00,843 No. Well, Gareth, I'll tell you what... 159 00:08:00,843 --> 00:08:01,843 Goodbye. 160 00:08:04,603 --> 00:08:05,923 If I could just... 161 00:08:05,923 --> 00:08:06,963 Well, there we go. 162 00:08:06,963 --> 00:08:08,803 That is how it played out. 163 00:08:10,683 --> 00:08:13,603 Now, go on. I'll always give everyone a second chance. 164 00:08:13,603 --> 00:08:15,643 - What will you say to me? - Thank you, Gareth. 165 00:08:15,643 --> 00:08:19,963 I'd like to present myself as your New England goalkeeper. 166 00:08:19,963 --> 00:08:22,603 Essentially, what just happened there 167 00:08:22,603 --> 00:08:27,203 was I did one of the diving saves that I would be honoured to do 168 00:08:27,203 --> 00:08:29,443 in the final this afternoon. 169 00:08:29,443 --> 00:08:31,883 Some people are confused as to why me and Chloe 170 00:08:31,883 --> 00:08:33,003 go by Big Mix. 171 00:08:33,003 --> 00:08:35,763 - Yes. - And it's because of my big hands. 172 00:08:35,763 --> 00:08:37,443 - Big mitts. - My big mitts. 173 00:08:38,483 --> 00:08:40,683 Yes. Thank you. 174 00:08:43,083 --> 00:08:46,283 We're actually called Big Mitts because rather than 175 00:08:46,283 --> 00:08:49,803 goalkeeping gloves, I wear foam fingers. 176 00:08:51,123 --> 00:08:53,443 And it will be those that I'll wear in goal, 177 00:08:53,443 --> 00:08:58,003 and that will mean nothing's getting past Big Mitts Maise. 178 00:08:58,003 --> 00:09:01,323 Oh, yeah, because nothing can go through foam. 179 00:09:03,243 --> 00:09:06,403 Sorry. I have given you practical reasons as to why 180 00:09:06,403 --> 00:09:08,363 I will be good in goal. 181 00:09:08,363 --> 00:09:10,803 This man has asked you how you feel. 182 00:09:10,803 --> 00:09:13,083 I didn't think you'd get competitive this early. 183 00:09:13,083 --> 00:09:14,643 Oh, no, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. 184 00:09:14,643 --> 00:09:17,843 This person's not going to emotionally support you. 185 00:09:17,843 --> 00:09:21,003 - Gareth. How could we decide this? - Let's get practical. 186 00:09:21,003 --> 00:09:22,443 I want to get my feelings out the way. 187 00:09:22,443 --> 00:09:24,603 I want to see how these people do in goal. 188 00:09:24,603 --> 00:09:26,643 - Yes. - Don't make it competitive. 189 00:09:26,643 --> 00:09:29,723 Don't make the World Cup final competitive. 190 00:09:29,723 --> 00:09:31,083 No, I'm saying. 191 00:09:31,083 --> 00:09:32,643 Right, let's get the goal out, James. 192 00:09:32,643 --> 00:09:34,083 Yeah. Cliff! 193 00:09:34,083 --> 00:09:36,363 Cliff! Bring a goal out right now. 194 00:09:37,523 --> 00:09:38,963 His name is Cliff. 195 00:09:38,963 --> 00:09:40,483 He works at Props. 196 00:09:40,483 --> 00:09:43,043 He sets them up and could do better. 197 00:09:44,083 --> 00:09:46,283 Alright. OK. Who wants to go first? 198 00:09:46,283 --> 00:09:48,323 Richard, you can have the choice because. 199 00:09:48,323 --> 00:09:49,563 Oh, bloody hell. 200 00:09:50,843 --> 00:09:53,163 Now I've got the official World Cup final ball, 201 00:09:53,163 --> 00:09:54,843 the first revealing of it. 202 00:09:54,843 --> 00:09:56,603 - Here it is. - OK. 203 00:09:58,203 --> 00:10:00,123 Oh, he's in shorts! 204 00:10:00,123 --> 00:10:01,123 Oh yeah! 205 00:10:05,163 --> 00:10:06,363 Happy with that. 206 00:10:06,363 --> 00:10:07,963 Alright, Ernie Wise. 207 00:10:09,723 --> 00:10:11,603 I feel like I'm a Victorian schoolboy. 208 00:10:11,603 --> 00:10:13,483 That's what I feel like. 209 00:10:13,483 --> 00:10:15,123 - Right. Ready? - OK. 210 00:10:15,123 --> 00:10:16,643 This is actually so tense. 211 00:10:16,643 --> 00:10:18,803 - It's so tense. - Right? 212 00:10:18,803 --> 00:10:20,603 OK. You ready? 213 00:10:20,603 --> 00:10:21,603 Oh, my God. 214 00:10:25,643 --> 00:10:26,643 That's right. 215 00:10:30,283 --> 00:10:32,523 That slipper came off. 216 00:10:32,523 --> 00:10:33,843 What happened? 217 00:10:35,363 --> 00:10:38,083 Pick your shoe up. Pick your shoe up. 218 00:10:38,083 --> 00:10:39,163 Pick your shoe up. 219 00:10:40,883 --> 00:10:43,403 This is going to take some beating. 220 00:10:44,683 --> 00:10:45,683 Yeah. 221 00:10:46,963 --> 00:10:49,803 - Goal saved. - In you go, Maisie. 222 00:10:49,803 --> 00:10:52,083 Let's bring some aggression to this. 223 00:10:52,083 --> 00:10:53,963 So are you keeping one shoe off? 224 00:10:53,963 --> 00:10:56,003 No, I'll put the shoe on. 225 00:10:56,003 --> 00:10:57,843 better be off by the end. 226 00:10:57,843 --> 00:11:00,083 Just to let you know, Maisie, just. 227 00:11:00,083 --> 00:11:01,203 Just bear this in mind. 228 00:11:01,203 --> 00:11:05,843 You've got to beat probably the best I've ever seen anyone save a penalty. 229 00:11:05,843 --> 00:11:08,083 Stop getting in my head. OK. 230 00:11:08,083 --> 00:11:09,083 Aghhhh! 231 00:11:10,123 --> 00:11:11,643 OK. 232 00:11:11,643 --> 00:11:12,843 Aghhhh! 233 00:11:16,523 --> 00:11:17,643 Oh, that's right. 234 00:11:17,643 --> 00:11:19,323 That's right. 235 00:11:19,323 --> 00:11:20,323 Oh! 236 00:11:22,883 --> 00:11:23,883 Gutted. 237 00:11:23,883 --> 00:11:26,523 Maisie, just to be clear, you lost a penalty shoot-out 238 00:11:26,523 --> 00:11:28,083 to Richard Ayoade. 239 00:11:29,803 --> 00:11:30,803 That's right. 240 00:11:32,243 --> 00:11:33,243 I love it. 241 00:11:34,363 --> 00:11:36,643 I'd like to go home. 242 00:11:36,643 --> 00:11:40,003 Imagine! To Richard. 243 00:11:40,003 --> 00:11:44,843 Can I just say there would have been a VAR inquiry into that. 244 00:11:44,843 --> 00:11:47,723 The only thing I'd be using VAR for was to see if the top of Maisie's 245 00:11:47,723 --> 00:11:52,443 head looked as angry as the front. 246 00:11:52,443 --> 00:11:53,603 James. 247 00:11:53,603 --> 00:11:56,443 Richard is hatching a plan where he emotionally connects 248 00:11:56,443 --> 00:11:59,003 with the team to get in goal, and then he uses his emotions 249 00:11:59,003 --> 00:12:01,283 to totally intimidate the penalty taker and kicks it clear. 250 00:12:01,283 --> 00:12:02,283 Yeah. 251 00:12:02,283 --> 00:12:05,483 Maisie is attacking Gareth Southgate in his hotel room and failing 252 00:12:05,483 --> 00:12:07,763 - to save a penalty. - Yeah. 253 00:12:07,763 --> 00:12:11,643 Look, going into this before we'd even welcomed the guests 254 00:12:11,643 --> 00:12:13,123 into the studio today, we both said 255 00:12:13,123 --> 00:12:15,203 there's no way Maisie is not going to win this. 256 00:12:15,203 --> 00:12:19,083 Can we not? Can we just skip to the next round, please? 257 00:12:19,083 --> 00:12:20,883 We were pretty sure she had this in the bag. 258 00:12:20,883 --> 00:12:22,523 - Didn't even have to try. - Yeah. 259 00:12:22,523 --> 00:12:27,523 However, I've given the full five points to Richard Ayoade. 260 00:12:33,883 --> 00:12:36,083 It's time for James's Wishlist. 261 00:12:36,083 --> 00:12:38,443 Dreams can come true. 262 00:12:38,443 --> 00:12:39,763 Look at me, babe. 263 00:12:39,763 --> 00:12:41,003 I'm with you. 264 00:12:44,203 --> 00:12:45,203 I love it. 265 00:12:46,443 --> 00:12:49,283 In this round, we're going to be picking something from James's 266 00:12:49,283 --> 00:12:52,203 ever growing list of dreams, and our panellists are going to tell 267 00:12:52,203 --> 00:12:54,243 us how they'd make it happen. 268 00:12:54,243 --> 00:12:56,483 Best answer gets five points. 269 00:12:56,483 --> 00:12:59,163 So, James, what's on your wish list this week? 270 00:12:59,163 --> 00:13:02,643 For my wish list this week, I want Chloe and Guz to put clothes 271 00:13:02,643 --> 00:13:04,483 on the Angel of the North. 272 00:13:06,123 --> 00:13:09,083 About time. What the rules? 273 00:13:09,083 --> 00:13:12,043 Rules are the winning outfit must be such a hit 274 00:13:12,043 --> 00:13:14,643 that the people of the North keep it forever. 275 00:13:14,643 --> 00:13:16,963 The angel can be dressed in any style of your choice 276 00:13:16,963 --> 00:13:19,603 except bootcut jeans. 277 00:13:19,603 --> 00:13:20,843 OK. 278 00:13:20,843 --> 00:13:23,763 Have you seen the Angel of the North in the flesh? 279 00:13:23,763 --> 00:13:25,403 No, not in the flesh. Let me just confirm. 280 00:13:25,403 --> 00:13:28,243 It's that big metal thing near Newcastle. 281 00:13:28,243 --> 00:13:29,803 Yeah, here it is. 282 00:13:29,803 --> 00:13:31,803 - There you go. - There is. 283 00:13:31,803 --> 00:13:33,363 Chloe, have you seen the Angel of the North? 284 00:13:33,363 --> 00:13:34,643 I've seen the Angel of the North. 285 00:13:34,643 --> 00:13:37,803 And it's like when you drive past horses. 286 00:13:37,803 --> 00:13:38,883 What? 287 00:13:38,883 --> 00:13:41,843 When you drive past horses, you go, oh, look, there's some horses. 288 00:13:41,843 --> 00:13:43,563 When you drive past the Angel of the North, 289 00:13:43,563 --> 00:13:45,363 look, there's the Angel of the North. 290 00:13:45,363 --> 00:13:48,483 And then you just get on with your journey. That's it. 291 00:13:48,483 --> 00:13:51,363 So what else are you going to do with it? 292 00:13:51,363 --> 00:13:54,443 You're not going to stop. You're on a motorway. 293 00:13:54,443 --> 00:13:55,443 So Guz? 294 00:13:55,443 --> 00:13:57,003 I'm going to go straight in. 295 00:13:57,003 --> 00:13:59,403 Yeah, I'm going to say Sharia law. 296 00:14:01,603 --> 00:14:04,563 Bear with me here. Bear with me. 297 00:14:04,563 --> 00:14:06,963 Newcastle United Football Club have recently been taken 298 00:14:06,963 --> 00:14:08,403 over by the Saudi Arabian royal family. 299 00:14:08,403 --> 00:14:09,483 Yeah, yeah. 300 00:14:09,483 --> 00:14:12,963 So really, without any headache, I would think that the people 301 00:14:12,963 --> 00:14:18,363 of Newcastle would go along with covering up that dirty, naked 302 00:14:18,363 --> 00:14:19,723 Angel of the North. 303 00:14:20,843 --> 00:14:23,683 Because if they don't, then the Saudis will pull out 304 00:14:23,683 --> 00:14:25,283 and they'll be back in the championship. 305 00:14:25,283 --> 00:14:28,523 And for the people of Newcastle having a vibrant football club 306 00:14:28,523 --> 00:14:31,483 that might win the Champions League versus not covering up 307 00:14:31,483 --> 00:14:36,123 that piece of shit, I think we know which one to choose. 308 00:14:38,043 --> 00:14:39,323 What do you think about this, James? 309 00:14:39,323 --> 00:14:42,323 I think I think that usually the format of the show involves me 310 00:14:42,323 --> 00:14:43,963 doing an act out at some point with people, 311 00:14:43,963 --> 00:14:45,843 and I'm not looking forward to that. 312 00:14:51,243 --> 00:14:53,083 Well, let's go with Chloe. 313 00:14:53,083 --> 00:14:56,523 I think I'd like to sort of go the opposite and sort of mess 314 00:14:56,523 --> 00:15:00,363 with the people of Newcastle in a way that would sort of be a bit 315 00:15:00,363 --> 00:15:03,003 of banter that would bring more tourism to the area. 316 00:15:03,003 --> 00:15:04,683 So it might not be great for the residents, but it 317 00:15:04,683 --> 00:15:07,283 would be great in terms of sort of boosting the economy. 318 00:15:07,283 --> 00:15:11,843 So obviously, the Saudis replace Mike Ashley, who's the founder 319 00:15:11,843 --> 00:15:14,163 of Sports Direct, who they hated. 320 00:15:14,163 --> 00:15:16,403 So I'm going to put the Angel of the North 321 00:15:16,403 --> 00:15:18,123 in a Sports Direct shell suit. 322 00:15:18,123 --> 00:15:21,363 Oh, yeah. 323 00:15:21,363 --> 00:15:23,603 And how are you going to get a Sports Direct suit 324 00:15:23,603 --> 00:15:25,283 that is 66 feet tall. 325 00:15:26,683 --> 00:15:27,883 It's quite good, actually. 326 00:15:27,883 --> 00:15:31,563 Sports Direct do a lot of stuff that's in proportion to the size. 327 00:15:31,563 --> 00:15:33,523 If they need a mug, that's fine. 328 00:15:37,483 --> 00:15:39,763 James. You want to play the mayor of Gateshead? 329 00:15:39,763 --> 00:15:41,483 Yeah, I'll be the mayor. 330 00:15:44,083 --> 00:15:45,523 James. You got any props for this? 331 00:15:45,523 --> 00:15:47,283 - Right here. - Oh, yeah. 332 00:15:48,443 --> 00:15:50,003 - Head on down. - Yeah. 333 00:15:50,003 --> 00:15:52,803 Remember, James, you can make it the shortest act out 334 00:15:52,803 --> 00:15:53,963 you've ever done in your life. 335 00:15:53,963 --> 00:15:55,403 Yeah. 336 00:15:55,403 --> 00:15:58,243 Guz, could you present your idea to. 337 00:16:00,363 --> 00:16:03,443 Send in the next person, please. 338 00:16:03,443 --> 00:16:05,203 - Oh. - Hello, Uncle Gatehead. 339 00:16:05,203 --> 00:16:07,083 - How are you? - Good, thank you. 340 00:16:07,083 --> 00:16:10,403 Not many people call me Uncle Gatehead. 341 00:16:10,403 --> 00:16:12,363 I'm right here. 342 00:16:12,363 --> 00:16:16,883 Dear Uncle Gatehead, I like it. 343 00:16:16,883 --> 00:16:21,363 Write a letter to me even though I'm sitting in front of you. 344 00:16:21,363 --> 00:16:23,043 This is good stuff. 345 00:16:23,043 --> 00:16:26,003 OK, listen, dear Uncle Gatehead, people in Newcastle 346 00:16:26,003 --> 00:16:27,483 and surrounding areas. 347 00:16:27,483 --> 00:16:29,523 - What's the area? - Gateshead? 348 00:16:29,523 --> 00:16:31,643 Gateshead. 349 00:16:31,643 --> 00:16:33,003 Yeah. 350 00:16:33,003 --> 00:16:35,043 Uncle Gateshead. Sorry. Sorry. 351 00:16:35,043 --> 00:16:37,803 - You called me Gatehead. - Yeah. 352 00:16:37,803 --> 00:16:39,203 - Community. - Yes. 353 00:16:39,203 --> 00:16:41,963 People in Newcastle, they're friendly, they're loving people. 354 00:16:41,963 --> 00:16:45,723 Recently we've had a fantastic takeover. 355 00:16:45,723 --> 00:16:48,483 Yeah, by the Saudi royal family. 356 00:16:48,483 --> 00:16:49,883 I've tried to pretend I don't know 357 00:16:49,883 --> 00:16:51,443 where this is going, but this makes me. 358 00:16:51,443 --> 00:16:53,363 This makes me very nervous. 359 00:16:54,643 --> 00:16:58,523 The Saudi royal family has taking over our club, and we want to do 360 00:16:58,523 --> 00:17:00,763 something which the world doesn't often see. 361 00:17:00,763 --> 00:17:02,363 We want to break the narrative here. 362 00:17:02,363 --> 00:17:07,843 We want to go the opposite of the Daily Mail. 363 00:17:07,843 --> 00:17:09,363 Yeah. 364 00:17:09,363 --> 00:17:14,483 I'm completely on board for the opposite of the Daily Mail. 365 00:17:17,643 --> 00:17:19,523 That's what I want. 366 00:17:19,523 --> 00:17:21,083 Exactly. And so here's my proposal. 367 00:17:21,083 --> 00:17:23,723 Uncle Gateshead, we got a big naked statue. 368 00:17:23,723 --> 00:17:25,443 - Yes. - It's an angel. 369 00:17:25,443 --> 00:17:27,323 - Yes. - And it's in the North. 370 00:17:27,323 --> 00:17:30,403 - You've done your research. - Thank you. 371 00:17:31,803 --> 00:17:33,523 Did my research. 372 00:17:33,523 --> 00:17:37,363 So in order to bring the people of Newcastle 373 00:17:37,363 --> 00:17:39,203 - and the surrounding areas together. - Yes. 374 00:17:39,203 --> 00:17:42,163 And possibly create the first loving connection 375 00:17:42,163 --> 00:17:47,003 between the north of England and Saudi Arabia, 376 00:17:47,003 --> 00:17:49,523 we are going... Watch this. 377 00:17:49,523 --> 00:17:51,443 This is the Angel of the North. 378 00:17:51,443 --> 00:17:53,683 - Yeah, at the moment. - Yes. 379 00:17:53,683 --> 00:17:56,283 All naked, dirty bastard. 380 00:17:56,283 --> 00:17:57,283 Look at that. 381 00:17:59,883 --> 00:18:02,683 In order to unite these two cultures that people wouldn't ordinarily 382 00:18:02,683 --> 00:18:06,843 unite them with, we are going to place 383 00:18:06,843 --> 00:18:13,443 a traditional Saudi Arabian garment over the Angel of the North, 384 00:18:13,443 --> 00:18:15,643 worn by men and women. 385 00:18:15,643 --> 00:18:18,043 And I believe, look, first of all, a lot of people think 386 00:18:18,043 --> 00:18:19,363 this is repressive. I've worn one. 387 00:18:19,363 --> 00:18:22,603 It's just really fucking comfy. 388 00:18:22,603 --> 00:18:26,363 So my suggestion is, in order to bring about a Cultural Revolution, 389 00:18:26,363 --> 00:18:29,203 connection, love between two parts of the world that have never 390 00:18:29,203 --> 00:18:33,403 before come together, we place this wonderful garment over the Angel 391 00:18:33,403 --> 00:18:38,923 of the North to show that love wins through tolerance and understanding. 392 00:18:38,923 --> 00:18:40,163 Thank you, Mayor. 393 00:18:47,443 --> 00:18:49,283 Would you like to pitch? 394 00:18:49,283 --> 00:18:51,203 - I'd love to pitch. - Let's see the pitch. 395 00:18:51,203 --> 00:18:52,603 Yes. Come on. 396 00:18:52,603 --> 00:18:54,363 Get it, Chloe! 397 00:18:58,723 --> 00:19:01,643 Oh, well, can't wait to do that. 398 00:19:01,643 --> 00:19:03,523 - Oh, hello. - Oh, hey, it's Uncle Gateshead. 399 00:19:03,523 --> 00:19:05,483 - Right. - Yeah. 400 00:19:05,483 --> 00:19:07,203 Thanks so much for having me for this pitch. 401 00:19:07,203 --> 00:19:08,723 Oh. Oh, good to see you. 402 00:19:08,723 --> 00:19:10,563 You're up against some pretty stiff competition. 403 00:19:10,563 --> 00:19:13,083 We've had a very bright young man in earlier who talked me 404 00:19:13,083 --> 00:19:15,643 around to something which I'm pretty sure was bad. 405 00:19:22,003 --> 00:19:24,243 Mayor of Gateshead. What do you think about money? 406 00:19:24,243 --> 00:19:25,683 I love money. 407 00:19:25,683 --> 00:19:26,923 I'd marry it if I could. 408 00:19:26,923 --> 00:19:30,763 What would you say if I told you that I am in the pocket 409 00:19:30,763 --> 00:19:32,043 of Mike Ashley? 410 00:19:32,043 --> 00:19:34,363 He has got a lot of money and he'd like to invest 411 00:19:34,363 --> 00:19:37,683 it in an advertisement opportunity. 412 00:19:37,683 --> 00:19:39,403 - Here we go. - I'm into advertising. 413 00:19:39,403 --> 00:19:41,203 What does that look like? 414 00:19:44,163 --> 00:19:45,403 Be honest. 415 00:19:45,403 --> 00:19:48,203 Well, I guess it looks like a bad dick. 416 00:19:52,003 --> 00:19:57,563 I could offer you a lot of money to just pop this in a show suit. 417 00:19:57,563 --> 00:19:59,003 Oh, like that. 418 00:19:59,003 --> 00:20:01,643 That looks like a robe. 419 00:20:01,643 --> 00:20:05,283 So if you wanted that, which I could offer you, massive show suit 420 00:20:05,283 --> 00:20:06,323 on the Angel of the North. 421 00:20:06,323 --> 00:20:12,283 The only thing that you have to do in return is just... 422 00:20:17,723 --> 00:20:19,603 Now. We kicked them out. 423 00:20:19,603 --> 00:20:22,203 You didn't kick them out. Newcastle Football Club kicked them out. 424 00:20:22,203 --> 00:20:23,763 - Yeah. - So they now have loads of money. 425 00:20:23,763 --> 00:20:25,083 You said that you like money. 426 00:20:25,083 --> 00:20:26,643 So I'm willing to give you some of that money 427 00:20:26,643 --> 00:20:28,363 if you'll do this bollocks. 428 00:20:30,643 --> 00:20:32,563 - How much money? - Loads. 429 00:20:35,123 --> 00:20:37,203 You don't understand how much money. 430 00:20:37,203 --> 00:20:38,923 Chloe, chuck in a free dartboard. 431 00:20:38,923 --> 00:20:40,643 And a free dartboard. 432 00:20:40,643 --> 00:20:43,523 That the woman who attacked Gareth Southgate? 433 00:20:47,163 --> 00:20:50,163 James. You got enough information to make your decision. 434 00:20:50,163 --> 00:20:52,523 Well, there's a free darts board involved in this. 435 00:20:52,523 --> 00:20:54,683 You call it return it, but you can't get store credit 436 00:20:54,683 --> 00:20:56,683 if you don't like it. 437 00:20:56,683 --> 00:20:59,403 Store credit? Points go to this team. 438 00:21:04,443 --> 00:21:06,723 Four points. 439 00:21:06,723 --> 00:21:08,243 And where does that leave the score? 440 00:21:08,243 --> 00:21:10,563 Scores are, Big Mix has four, 441 00:21:10,563 --> 00:21:13,243 Compostable is in the lead with five points. 442 00:21:15,243 --> 00:21:18,323 Next up it's the Great Wall of Celebrities. 443 00:21:20,723 --> 00:21:22,603 There they are. 444 00:21:22,603 --> 00:21:25,323 It's like if Humpty Dumpty wasn't an egg and there was six 445 00:21:25,323 --> 00:21:29,563 of them and they were in the wall and not on the wall. 446 00:21:29,563 --> 00:21:31,603 You must take it in turns to pick a celebrity. 447 00:21:31,603 --> 00:21:34,923 Guess how they answered a tricky Hypothetical. 448 00:21:34,923 --> 00:21:37,443 Each question is worth one point. 449 00:21:37,443 --> 00:21:39,483 Compostable. 450 00:21:39,483 --> 00:21:40,563 Who are you going to pick? 451 00:21:40,563 --> 00:21:42,563 - Top left. - Top left. 452 00:21:42,563 --> 00:21:45,483 - Rev Bottley. - Rev Bottley. 453 00:21:45,483 --> 00:21:47,363 We said to the Reverend Bottley, 454 00:21:47,363 --> 00:21:51,003 I've dared you to slip a cheeky phrase into one of your services. 455 00:21:51,003 --> 00:21:52,963 Which of these would you choose. 456 00:21:52,963 --> 00:21:54,683 During a wedding ceremony, 457 00:21:54,683 --> 00:21:56,643 Till death do us fart. 458 00:21:56,643 --> 00:21:59,283 During the Lord's Prayer, Holler Be Thy name. 459 00:21:59,283 --> 00:22:02,643 Or just the word fanny wherever you fancy. 460 00:22:04,043 --> 00:22:06,123 - C. Final answer. - Yes. 461 00:22:07,123 --> 00:22:08,123 Yes. 462 00:22:08,123 --> 00:22:10,403 Well, let's see if they got it right. 463 00:22:10,403 --> 00:22:12,323 - Fanny. - Oh! 464 00:22:16,123 --> 00:22:18,563 That is how you play the game. 465 00:22:18,563 --> 00:22:19,883 That's right. 466 00:22:19,883 --> 00:22:23,163 Maisie. Both exhilarated and fucking furious. 467 00:22:23,163 --> 00:22:24,443 How did you do it? 468 00:22:24,443 --> 00:22:27,043 Just clearly obvious that she would use the word fanny. 469 00:22:27,043 --> 00:22:29,123 It's a very malleable word. 470 00:22:29,123 --> 00:22:30,803 - Yeah, it's good. - What context would you. 471 00:22:30,803 --> 00:22:32,843 - If you were a reverend... - Let's not fanny about. 472 00:22:32,843 --> 00:22:34,283 Let's get straight into the prayers. 473 00:22:34,283 --> 00:22:35,403 Oh, that's good. 474 00:22:36,403 --> 00:22:37,643 OK. Next question. 475 00:22:37,643 --> 00:22:39,043 Maisie and Chloe. 476 00:22:39,043 --> 00:22:40,163 Who are you going to pick? 477 00:22:40,163 --> 00:22:42,563 - Mr. Motivator, please. - OK. 478 00:22:42,563 --> 00:22:45,163 We said to Mr. Motivator for the rest of your life, 479 00:22:45,163 --> 00:22:47,123 you must pay for things in one of these ways. 480 00:22:47,123 --> 00:22:51,203 A, with a massive charity donation style chequebook. 481 00:22:51,203 --> 00:22:53,483 B, with two and one P pieces. 482 00:22:53,483 --> 00:22:56,283 Or C, with signed photos of yourself. 483 00:22:56,283 --> 00:22:58,403 Let's say our instinct. 484 00:22:58,403 --> 00:23:00,683 Ready? One, two, three. 485 00:23:00,683 --> 00:23:03,123 - A. - A. Come on, Petts! 486 00:23:03,123 --> 00:23:04,843 So that's what we'd go for. 487 00:23:04,843 --> 00:23:07,163 But we have to think this is Mr. Motivator. 488 00:23:07,163 --> 00:23:08,683 He likes to motivate. 489 00:23:08,683 --> 00:23:10,523 He's obviously got a strong sense of self worth. 490 00:23:10,523 --> 00:23:12,083 Maybe he's going C. 491 00:23:12,083 --> 00:23:13,683 Oh, that is true, but... 492 00:23:13,683 --> 00:23:16,003 This is the opposite of instinct. 493 00:23:17,843 --> 00:23:19,883 They have got in our heads. 494 00:23:19,883 --> 00:23:21,883 They're not in my head. They're not in my head. 495 00:23:21,883 --> 00:23:23,363 Absolutely are in my head. 496 00:23:24,723 --> 00:23:27,243 The reason is, is because they don't give a shit and we care too much. 497 00:23:27,243 --> 00:23:28,243 Yeah. Yeah. 498 00:23:28,243 --> 00:23:32,083 I have been very relaxed throughout this whole record. 499 00:23:34,243 --> 00:23:35,323 Maisie. Let's go A. 500 00:23:35,323 --> 00:23:37,243 - A? - Yeah. Big time. 501 00:23:37,243 --> 00:23:38,563 - Obviously C. - OK. 502 00:23:38,563 --> 00:23:40,883 Hang on. 503 00:23:40,883 --> 00:23:44,163 You've gone A. He instinctively went C. 504 00:23:44,163 --> 00:23:45,723 I am so vain. 505 00:23:45,723 --> 00:23:48,563 So there's only one thing I would do. 506 00:23:48,563 --> 00:23:50,443 Sign a photo of myself. 507 00:23:55,563 --> 00:23:58,363 I'm gone. Take this off. I'm done. 508 00:23:59,723 --> 00:24:01,043 Can we go home now? 509 00:24:01,043 --> 00:24:03,043 No. Sit down. You're staying. 510 00:24:03,043 --> 00:24:04,283 No points. 511 00:24:04,283 --> 00:24:06,443 We live in your head. 512 00:24:06,443 --> 00:24:08,003 Stop talking, Richard. 513 00:24:09,923 --> 00:24:12,283 Guz, who are you going for next? 514 00:24:12,283 --> 00:24:13,883 - Bottom right. - Bottom right. 515 00:24:13,883 --> 00:24:15,683 - Angelica Bell? - Yes, sir. 516 00:24:15,683 --> 00:24:19,563 We said to Angelica Bell, you have to fight Alan Titchmarsh. 517 00:24:19,563 --> 00:24:22,523 How do you think it would go? 518 00:24:22,523 --> 00:24:23,803 There's no options. 519 00:24:23,803 --> 00:24:24,803 OK. 520 00:24:24,803 --> 00:24:26,763 He's got trowels. He'll shank you. 521 00:24:26,763 --> 00:24:30,403 He's got a lot of implements. 522 00:24:31,403 --> 00:24:34,123 Where are our instincts leading us, brother? 523 00:24:34,123 --> 00:24:36,483 I don't feel he would stop until... 524 00:24:38,243 --> 00:24:40,003 ..until you were in pieces. 525 00:24:41,083 --> 00:24:43,683 And I think, like, he'd be very emotional about you 526 00:24:43,683 --> 00:24:47,443 fucking up his plants, even if he was getting the better of us, 527 00:24:47,443 --> 00:24:49,843 even if he had a hose pipe wrapped around our throats. 528 00:24:49,843 --> 00:24:52,083 - And he would. - Yeah. 529 00:24:52,083 --> 00:24:54,763 If we were just snapping the fuck out of his daisies, I think 530 00:24:54,763 --> 00:24:56,883 you'd see a very emotional Titchmarsh and we could take 531 00:24:56,883 --> 00:24:58,363 advantage of that moment. 532 00:24:58,363 --> 00:25:00,883 OK, so what's your instinct, Rich? 533 00:25:00,883 --> 00:25:02,083 I don't know her. 534 00:25:03,803 --> 00:25:04,803 On any level. 535 00:25:04,803 --> 00:25:06,443 - I don't know who. - Yeah. 536 00:25:06,443 --> 00:25:07,443 Who is she? 537 00:25:10,363 --> 00:25:11,803 She used to present children's TV, 538 00:25:11,803 --> 00:25:14,283 now she presents gardening shows, etc. 539 00:25:14,283 --> 00:25:16,363 She presents gardening shows? 540 00:25:16,363 --> 00:25:18,163 How do you two not know your gardeners? 541 00:25:18,163 --> 00:25:20,003 You're called Compostable. 542 00:25:23,883 --> 00:25:26,803 I need an answer. 543 00:25:26,803 --> 00:25:28,243 I think she would say 544 00:25:28,243 --> 00:25:31,883 that it would end in her death. 545 00:25:31,883 --> 00:25:33,923 End in her death. 546 00:25:33,923 --> 00:25:36,843 Let's see if she said it would end in her death. 547 00:25:36,843 --> 00:25:40,843 I think Alan would mash me up. 548 00:25:40,843 --> 00:25:42,803 - Oh! - That's right. 549 00:25:42,803 --> 00:25:44,403 That's right. 550 00:25:44,403 --> 00:25:46,843 Perfect answer. 551 00:25:46,843 --> 00:25:48,403 She knows her Titchmarsh. 552 00:25:48,403 --> 00:25:50,323 Yeah. 553 00:25:50,323 --> 00:25:52,083 Maisie and Chloe. 554 00:25:52,083 --> 00:25:53,523 We're going lost voice guy. 555 00:25:53,523 --> 00:25:54,723 We said to lost voice guy, 556 00:25:54,723 --> 00:25:58,003 you have to start a shocking rumour about yourself. 557 00:25:58,003 --> 00:25:59,243 What do you go for? 558 00:25:59,243 --> 00:26:00,763 You've got to start about yourself. 559 00:26:00,763 --> 00:26:02,843 So it's got to be something you'd want 560 00:26:02,843 --> 00:26:04,283 going around about yourself. 561 00:26:04,283 --> 00:26:05,843 But it's got to be shocking as well. 562 00:26:05,843 --> 00:26:07,483 But it's shocking. 563 00:26:07,483 --> 00:26:10,123 So what do we least expect of Lost Voice? 564 00:26:10,123 --> 00:26:11,763 Oh, I've got it. 565 00:26:11,763 --> 00:26:13,883 I've got it. It was all an act. 566 00:26:13,883 --> 00:26:15,843 That's what he would say. That is what he would say. 567 00:26:15,843 --> 00:26:18,843 He's not actually lost his voice. 568 00:26:18,843 --> 00:26:22,483 He's actually in a...in a Welsh men's choir. 569 00:26:22,483 --> 00:26:23,483 Yeah. 570 00:26:26,363 --> 00:26:27,643 Let's have a look. 571 00:26:27,643 --> 00:26:29,963 - Whether your accusation... - No. 572 00:26:29,963 --> 00:26:32,323 ..a man's disability doesn't exist. 573 00:26:34,723 --> 00:26:36,403 It was all an act. 574 00:26:36,403 --> 00:26:38,043 And it was all an act. 575 00:26:39,323 --> 00:26:40,803 We should change our answer. 576 00:26:40,803 --> 00:26:43,523 Using his own psychology against him. 577 00:26:43,523 --> 00:26:45,003 - Yep. - Wow. 578 00:26:45,003 --> 00:26:46,963 Wow, wow, wow. 579 00:26:46,963 --> 00:26:48,363 You want to change your answer? 580 00:26:48,363 --> 00:26:49,763 No, no. Let's... 581 00:26:49,763 --> 00:26:51,443 Going to stick with a career ender. 582 00:26:51,443 --> 00:26:52,443 Oh, no. 583 00:26:54,563 --> 00:26:57,523 That's what he would say. 584 00:26:57,523 --> 00:26:59,443 Yeah, that's what he'd say. 585 00:26:59,443 --> 00:27:02,003 Yeah, he would say that his disability is made up. 586 00:27:04,283 --> 00:27:06,643 In many ways the phrase that's what he would say 587 00:27:06,643 --> 00:27:08,283 is offensive in itself. 588 00:27:12,403 --> 00:27:14,923 OK. Let's see whether that was correct. 589 00:27:14,923 --> 00:27:15,963 Oh, my God. 590 00:27:15,963 --> 00:27:20,643 The fact that I can really talk and I'm just too lazy to try. 591 00:27:29,003 --> 00:27:30,803 Oh. 592 00:27:30,803 --> 00:27:32,763 Anyone could have put that voice on. 593 00:27:32,763 --> 00:27:35,043 I've got to say, that was one of the most enjoyable 3 minutes 594 00:27:35,043 --> 00:27:36,043 of my life. 595 00:27:36,043 --> 00:27:37,123 That was great. 596 00:27:37,123 --> 00:27:39,123 You knew as well. I bet you knew. 597 00:27:39,123 --> 00:27:40,643 Oh, yeah. We knew. 598 00:27:42,123 --> 00:27:43,203 That's the end of the round. 599 00:27:43,203 --> 00:27:44,763 But of course, we'll see our celebrities again 600 00:27:44,763 --> 00:27:47,043 at the end of the show for Big Hat, Small Hat. 601 00:27:48,723 --> 00:27:52,243 Right. It's time for our next round, which is Not For A Million Quid. 602 00:27:56,923 --> 00:27:59,243 James. What would you do if you had a million quid? 603 00:27:59,243 --> 00:28:00,723 I'd spend it all on stocks. 604 00:28:00,723 --> 00:28:02,003 Which ones? 605 00:28:02,003 --> 00:28:03,323 Chicken, vegetable and beef. 606 00:28:03,323 --> 00:28:04,323 Yeah. 607 00:28:05,443 --> 00:28:07,643 - Yes. - We have a laugh. 608 00:28:07,643 --> 00:28:09,523 We have a laugh. 609 00:28:09,523 --> 00:28:12,603 You don't need to be offensive to be funny. 610 00:28:16,963 --> 00:28:18,723 In this round. 611 00:28:18,723 --> 00:28:21,163 We want to know how much you need to be paid to live 612 00:28:21,163 --> 00:28:23,083 through a Hypothetical situation. 613 00:28:23,083 --> 00:28:25,323 The lowest bidder has to tell us how they do it. 614 00:28:25,323 --> 00:28:27,723 There's three points on offer if we think you could pull it off. 615 00:28:27,723 --> 00:28:31,603 And if I don't believe your bid is genuine, I will disqualify you. 616 00:28:31,603 --> 00:28:32,923 The question is 617 00:28:32,923 --> 00:28:36,563 how much to do an impression of everyone you meet for a year. 618 00:28:36,563 --> 00:28:38,363 James, the rules. 619 00:28:38,363 --> 00:28:39,523 James, the rules! 620 00:28:40,603 --> 00:28:43,363 - Very nice. - Really nice. 621 00:28:43,363 --> 00:28:45,603 Just to be clear, you're not just repeating back what they say. 622 00:28:45,603 --> 00:28:47,643 - You just have to do their voice. - That is correct. 623 00:28:47,643 --> 00:28:49,723 You'll do an impression of the person you're talking 624 00:28:49,723 --> 00:28:51,523 to for the duration of the conversation. 625 00:28:51,523 --> 00:28:52,603 Isn't that right, Josh? 626 00:28:52,603 --> 00:28:54,323 Yes, very good. 627 00:28:54,323 --> 00:28:56,803 OK. Any questions on this? 628 00:28:56,803 --> 00:29:01,923 So every individual person you meet, you go in pretending to be them. 629 00:29:01,923 --> 00:29:02,923 Yeah. 630 00:29:02,923 --> 00:29:05,563 And then say a third person joins the conversation. 631 00:29:05,563 --> 00:29:07,963 Do you switch your impression to this new person? 632 00:29:07,963 --> 00:29:09,403 Yeah, I'd say the latest person. 633 00:29:09,403 --> 00:29:11,043 The latest person each time. 634 00:29:11,043 --> 00:29:12,243 Yeah, right. 635 00:29:12,243 --> 00:29:14,323 - Sorry. Just give me... - That's alright. Your head's gone. 636 00:29:14,323 --> 00:29:15,443 Yeah. 637 00:29:15,443 --> 00:29:16,643 Just, just relax, Maisie. 638 00:29:16,643 --> 00:29:17,683 Just stop talking. 639 00:29:17,683 --> 00:29:19,043 I'm trying to do maths. 640 00:29:19,043 --> 00:29:20,443 I'm on your side. 641 00:29:20,443 --> 00:29:22,083 OK. I think we'll start with Guz 642 00:29:22,083 --> 00:29:24,083 because I think we all want to end on Maisie. 643 00:29:26,763 --> 00:29:28,283 For free? 644 00:29:28,283 --> 00:29:29,883 Yeah, because I like doing it anyway. 645 00:29:29,883 --> 00:29:32,163 Earlier on, Maisie, remember I said to you, 646 00:29:32,163 --> 00:29:33,803 whereabouts you from? You go Leeds. 647 00:29:33,803 --> 00:29:38,643 And I was like, Oh, Leeds. I often immediately mimic people's accents. 648 00:29:38,643 --> 00:29:39,643 Yeah, yeah. 649 00:29:39,643 --> 00:29:44,123 The only person that I would need a guarantee from of my safety 650 00:29:44,123 --> 00:29:46,843 is one of the lads at the local halal butchers. 651 00:29:46,843 --> 00:29:51,003 Yeah. Because I would love to impersonate him because he's huge. 652 00:29:51,003 --> 00:29:52,803 He's like six foot ten. 653 00:29:52,803 --> 00:29:54,123 Lad at the butcher. Real thing. 654 00:29:54,123 --> 00:30:00,283 Yeah, but his voice is incredibly squeaky, so I would love 655 00:30:00,283 --> 00:30:03,403 to walk in there and when he's like, Brother, what would you like today? 656 00:30:03,403 --> 00:30:06,963 Yeah, I'd love to be like, I would like a chicken wings 657 00:30:06,963 --> 00:30:09,923 and a chicken breast. 658 00:30:09,923 --> 00:30:11,763 I would need a guarantee because he's got 659 00:30:11,763 --> 00:30:16,643 a big fuck off meat cleaver that would swing it round my head. 660 00:30:16,643 --> 00:30:17,683 Do you know what I mean? 661 00:30:17,683 --> 00:30:19,283 So I'll do it for free as long as I have that. 662 00:30:19,283 --> 00:30:20,443 - OK? - OK. 663 00:30:20,443 --> 00:30:21,923 Richard, what have you gone for? 664 00:30:21,923 --> 00:30:23,363 I put £50,000. 665 00:30:23,363 --> 00:30:29,123 Now. I'm very willing to imitate people, but the only situation 666 00:30:29,123 --> 00:30:31,123 would be if I needed medical assistance 667 00:30:31,123 --> 00:30:32,363 and the person was touchy. 668 00:30:32,363 --> 00:30:34,123 So this is what I think... 669 00:30:35,523 --> 00:30:38,083 - I am medically worth. - Yeah. 670 00:30:38,083 --> 00:30:39,483 Chloe, what have you gone for? 671 00:30:39,483 --> 00:30:43,323 Well, not to mention the elephant in the room, but me and Maise 672 00:30:43,323 --> 00:30:46,563 are both white, and I think that makes things 673 00:30:46,563 --> 00:30:47,643 a lot more problematic. 674 00:30:47,643 --> 00:30:50,803 If you went up to someone like Gaz's Butcher, 675 00:30:50,803 --> 00:30:53,763 and we would then have to do an accent back. 676 00:30:53,763 --> 00:30:59,123 So I've gone for £350,000, and if I was given this money, 677 00:30:59,123 --> 00:31:01,923 then what I would do is I would use it to live in like the most 678 00:31:01,923 --> 00:31:04,803 expensive village in the country where you only ever 679 00:31:04,803 --> 00:31:06,003 see white people. 680 00:31:09,363 --> 00:31:11,043 I think that is what money is for. 681 00:31:11,043 --> 00:31:12,203 Yeah. 682 00:31:12,203 --> 00:31:14,283 In a certain way. 683 00:31:14,283 --> 00:31:18,283 £40,000 is what I'd do, plus security expenses. 684 00:31:19,403 --> 00:31:21,603 I just think there's going to be some conversations 685 00:31:21,603 --> 00:31:24,283 where you're going to want a bit of protection walking away from them. 686 00:31:24,283 --> 00:31:26,163 Fair enough. OK. 687 00:31:26,163 --> 00:31:27,803 You turned up today. 688 00:31:27,803 --> 00:31:29,643 - You met me. - Hmm. 689 00:31:29,643 --> 00:31:30,923 Hello, Guz. How are you? 690 00:31:30,923 --> 00:31:32,563 I'm fine. How are you? 691 00:31:36,563 --> 00:31:37,563 Wow. 692 00:31:39,163 --> 00:31:41,003 Everyone is David Beckham. 693 00:31:43,763 --> 00:31:44,763 Hello? 694 00:31:45,843 --> 00:31:48,003 - Oh, it's good. - Yes, it was alright. 695 00:31:48,003 --> 00:31:51,003 - It's a nice, gentle voice. - James. 696 00:31:52,563 --> 00:31:54,083 Hello, Guz. Nice to see you. 697 00:31:54,083 --> 00:31:56,443 That's a bit more usually when it's like. 698 00:31:56,443 --> 00:31:58,043 Oh. James was that. 699 00:31:59,923 --> 00:32:03,043 You're like, you know... 700 00:32:04,523 --> 00:32:05,883 So I don't even know about the voice. 701 00:32:05,883 --> 00:32:07,483 I just know about it. 702 00:32:07,483 --> 00:32:09,403 Yes. Like a velociraptor? 703 00:32:09,403 --> 00:32:10,443 Yeah, a little bit. 704 00:32:10,443 --> 00:32:12,123 We were watching you on. 705 00:32:12,123 --> 00:32:13,403 I thought it was YouTube and Netflix. 706 00:32:13,403 --> 00:32:16,283 And my mom was like, is he OK? Because... 707 00:32:19,403 --> 00:32:21,603 Hello, Guz. How are you? 708 00:32:21,603 --> 00:32:23,443 I'm fine. Yeah, how are you? 709 00:32:23,443 --> 00:32:25,803 Oh, alright. 710 00:32:25,803 --> 00:32:28,883 That actually reads as a massive compliment to me. 711 00:32:28,883 --> 00:32:30,043 Guz thinks I'm a geezer. 712 00:32:32,083 --> 00:32:33,523 Hello Guz. 713 00:32:33,523 --> 00:32:35,603 This is how I talk. 714 00:32:35,603 --> 00:32:37,723 Alright, Maisie. How are you? 715 00:32:41,563 --> 00:32:42,723 Do I sound like that? 716 00:32:42,723 --> 00:32:44,963 We have to let the audience judge that. I don't know. 717 00:32:46,203 --> 00:32:47,883 OK. I buy that he's good at voices. 718 00:32:47,883 --> 00:32:48,883 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 719 00:32:48,883 --> 00:32:50,523 We just want to test him in one scenario. 720 00:32:50,523 --> 00:32:52,163 How about I play your mate? 721 00:32:52,163 --> 00:32:55,763 We go for some dinner and I'll see how you would deal with it. 722 00:32:55,763 --> 00:32:57,163 James, you got any props for this. 723 00:32:57,163 --> 00:32:58,963 - Yeah, right there. - Oh, yeah. 724 00:32:58,963 --> 00:33:00,843 Alright, go down and take your place. 725 00:33:00,843 --> 00:33:03,283 - Yeah. - So, James, what's the situation? 726 00:33:03,283 --> 00:33:05,043 I'm Guz's friend, James. 727 00:33:05,043 --> 00:33:09,483 James Acaster, the comedian, who Guz's mum thinks is unwell. 728 00:33:13,923 --> 00:33:15,363 Hello, Guz. Good to see you. 729 00:33:15,363 --> 00:33:16,363 Oh. 730 00:33:31,683 --> 00:33:36,203 In many ways, James, that was all we needed 731 00:33:36,203 --> 00:33:37,283 from the actor. 732 00:33:39,443 --> 00:33:42,203 I'm just gonna say, give us the points. 733 00:33:44,163 --> 00:33:45,883 Incredible. 734 00:33:45,883 --> 00:33:48,043 You should just hand the points over. 735 00:33:48,043 --> 00:33:49,243 Any points for them, James? 736 00:33:49,243 --> 00:33:50,643 Yeah. Full points to this team. 737 00:33:53,523 --> 00:33:55,363 It's time for On the Spot. 738 00:34:00,803 --> 00:34:02,803 Yes. If you're tense before Maisie. 739 00:34:02,803 --> 00:34:04,923 In this round, we're going to deliver 740 00:34:04,923 --> 00:34:07,043 a series of rapid-fire hypotheticals, 741 00:34:07,043 --> 00:34:10,483 which we want our panellists to solve as quickly as possible 742 00:34:10,483 --> 00:34:14,763 so we can all get out of here and get on with our lives. 743 00:34:14,763 --> 00:34:18,003 Josh will read out the hypothetical and then I will say the name 744 00:34:18,003 --> 00:34:20,283 of the person I would like to answer it. 745 00:34:20,283 --> 00:34:22,643 If we're not buying the answer, we will hit our buttons to stop 746 00:34:22,643 --> 00:34:25,923 the clock and ask you what the hell you're talking about. 747 00:34:25,923 --> 00:34:28,643 Best player wins the entire round. 748 00:34:28,643 --> 00:34:30,243 - OK. - Are we ready? Here we go. 749 00:34:30,243 --> 00:34:31,923 Here's the first one. 750 00:34:31,923 --> 00:34:33,483 The names of the seasons are boring. 751 00:34:33,483 --> 00:34:34,483 They need a revamp. 752 00:34:34,483 --> 00:34:36,643 Give us a set of new ones, please. 753 00:34:36,643 --> 00:34:38,403 Hot thing, cold thing, 754 00:34:38,403 --> 00:34:40,563 little bit cold thing, boom. 755 00:34:45,323 --> 00:34:47,883 Fisherman's friends have dominated the market too long. 756 00:34:47,883 --> 00:34:49,963 You must come up with a new sweet aimed at Fisherman. 757 00:34:49,963 --> 00:34:52,163 - Richard. - Fisherman's colleagues. 758 00:34:55,763 --> 00:34:58,043 They don't pretend to like you. 759 00:35:00,443 --> 00:35:03,683 They're just helping you clear your passages. 760 00:35:03,683 --> 00:35:05,723 Scratching posts are already popular with cats. 761 00:35:05,723 --> 00:35:09,563 You have to make them popular for humans. 762 00:35:09,563 --> 00:35:12,403 Take them to the town square and demonstrate me 763 00:35:12,403 --> 00:35:14,363 scratching on them. 764 00:35:14,363 --> 00:35:16,163 I panicked with that one. 765 00:35:18,123 --> 00:35:19,843 Oh, you're going to go to the town square? 766 00:35:19,843 --> 00:35:22,203 - Yeah. - Because it's medieval time. 767 00:35:25,443 --> 00:35:26,843 I just think we're going to have to see 768 00:35:26,843 --> 00:35:28,643 - what that would look like. - OK, I'm ready. 769 00:35:28,643 --> 00:35:29,923 - Yeah. - The bag. 770 00:35:29,923 --> 00:35:31,483 I saw you clock the bear. 771 00:35:32,763 --> 00:35:34,203 Saw the bear. 772 00:35:34,203 --> 00:35:36,803 So. Well, this is what will happen. 773 00:35:36,803 --> 00:35:37,883 Come hither. 774 00:35:37,883 --> 00:35:39,763 Hear ye. 775 00:35:43,483 --> 00:35:45,363 Come to the town square. 776 00:35:45,363 --> 00:35:48,643 Good townspeople, and I will show you my gifts. 777 00:35:49,763 --> 00:35:50,803 Ah. 778 00:35:50,803 --> 00:35:52,963 Kind cat scratcher. 779 00:35:58,563 --> 00:36:00,363 I buy it. I totally buy it. 780 00:36:00,363 --> 00:36:03,763 Don't cats sharpen their claws on the. 781 00:36:03,763 --> 00:36:06,203 They tend not to rub their anuses. 782 00:36:07,843 --> 00:36:09,283 On the stick. 783 00:36:10,803 --> 00:36:13,123 They can do that anywhere. 784 00:36:13,123 --> 00:36:15,843 A harsh reaction from the townsfolk there. 785 00:36:15,843 --> 00:36:19,883 Well, following the success of the shower one, the tube one 786 00:36:19,883 --> 00:36:23,043 and the bow tie one, you have to come up with a new smash hit pasta shape. 787 00:36:23,043 --> 00:36:25,603 - Maisie. - It's the shape of a windmill. 788 00:36:26,923 --> 00:36:28,443 That is good. 789 00:36:28,443 --> 00:36:29,443 So adorable. 790 00:36:30,603 --> 00:36:31,963 Absolutely adorable. 791 00:36:31,963 --> 00:36:33,883 Team 17th century wins again. 792 00:36:36,563 --> 00:36:38,923 You have one year to make picking your nose sexy. 793 00:36:38,923 --> 00:36:40,643 - How do you do it? - Guz. 794 00:36:41,723 --> 00:36:42,723 Hmm. 795 00:36:48,723 --> 00:36:51,123 A lot that year left. 796 00:36:51,123 --> 00:36:52,723 Britain's banned balloons. 797 00:36:52,723 --> 00:36:56,323 You have to smuggle 100 inflated balloons through customs. 798 00:36:56,323 --> 00:36:59,043 - Richard. - I'll just put them inside me. 799 00:37:02,843 --> 00:37:04,323 We're not pressing the button on that one. 800 00:37:04,323 --> 00:37:08,283 If you want to know how they get inside me, press that button. 801 00:37:08,283 --> 00:37:10,443 I'm interested in how you do it. 802 00:37:10,443 --> 00:37:12,403 100 inflated balloons inside you. 803 00:37:12,403 --> 00:37:13,563 I'd need a run up. 804 00:37:17,843 --> 00:37:20,363 And need to be relaxed. 805 00:37:20,363 --> 00:37:23,683 You've been given the job of making winking less creepy. 806 00:37:23,683 --> 00:37:25,283 Show us how you do it. 807 00:37:27,643 --> 00:37:28,643 Boop. 808 00:37:37,123 --> 00:37:38,483 Why is she underwater? 809 00:37:40,403 --> 00:37:43,283 Did you hear every word in the question? 810 00:37:44,443 --> 00:37:45,803 A new way of winking. 811 00:37:47,483 --> 00:37:49,283 Make winking less creepy. 812 00:37:49,283 --> 00:37:50,283 Oh. 813 00:37:52,283 --> 00:37:56,683 You see someone from across the bar and you say, 814 00:37:56,683 --> 00:38:01,523 not many people come into this bar that look as lovely as you. 815 00:38:02,883 --> 00:38:03,883 Bloop. 816 00:38:07,083 --> 00:38:08,363 Absolutely fine. 817 00:38:08,363 --> 00:38:09,483 Very good. 818 00:38:09,483 --> 00:38:13,203 You must get everyone in Heathrow terminal four to do a single conga. 819 00:38:13,203 --> 00:38:14,683 Guz. 820 00:38:17,443 --> 00:38:18,843 Conga time. 821 00:38:25,043 --> 00:38:28,283 James, after all that. Who's getting the points? 822 00:38:28,283 --> 00:38:30,203 Think I'm going to have to give 823 00:38:30,203 --> 00:38:32,603 because he made picking his nose sexy, 824 00:38:32,603 --> 00:38:34,563 I have to give Guz the points. 825 00:38:34,563 --> 00:38:37,443 OK, Guz. And how many points does he get after all that? 826 00:38:37,443 --> 00:38:38,443 One point. 827 00:38:41,523 --> 00:38:44,323 Chloe. We've been had. 828 00:38:45,403 --> 00:38:47,883 Time for our final round, the one that decides it all. 829 00:38:47,883 --> 00:38:50,483 We're heading back to the wall of celebrities 830 00:38:50,483 --> 00:38:53,883 to ask the biggest question in show business. 831 00:38:53,883 --> 00:38:55,643 It's Big Hat, Small Hat. 832 00:39:01,563 --> 00:39:04,403 We asked our six celebs whether they would choose the big hat 833 00:39:04,403 --> 00:39:05,723 or the small hat. 834 00:39:05,723 --> 00:39:07,683 James, what were the rules? 835 00:39:07,683 --> 00:39:09,483 We told the celebrities, You have to wear the hat 836 00:39:09,483 --> 00:39:11,003 for the rest of your life. 837 00:39:11,003 --> 00:39:13,643 You cannot wear a medium size hat over the small hat. 838 00:39:13,643 --> 00:39:15,283 And these are the hats. 839 00:39:16,643 --> 00:39:19,763 All you have to do is tell us which hat the celebrity chose. 840 00:39:19,763 --> 00:39:23,083 James, before this question, what are the scores? 841 00:39:23,083 --> 00:39:26,283 Big Mix has five points while Compostable is in the lead 842 00:39:26,283 --> 00:39:27,363 with 11 points. 843 00:39:28,403 --> 00:39:32,843 And who is this question for and how many points is it worth? 844 00:39:32,843 --> 00:39:36,603 It's for Big Mix and it's worth seven points. 845 00:39:39,283 --> 00:39:40,403 Come on. 846 00:39:40,403 --> 00:39:41,443 Right. 847 00:39:41,443 --> 00:39:44,203 We are going to fuck it, you know that. 848 00:39:44,203 --> 00:39:45,883 Well, that is not what you want to do with the big hat 849 00:39:45,883 --> 00:39:46,963 and the small hat. 850 00:39:46,963 --> 00:39:48,523 - Just... - You don't know me. 851 00:39:51,923 --> 00:39:54,203 So, Big Mix, it all comes down to this. 852 00:39:54,203 --> 00:39:56,323 Can we have a dramatic lighting change, please? 853 00:39:59,243 --> 00:40:02,483 Which celebrity would you like to choose to play 854 00:40:02,483 --> 00:40:04,643 Big Hat, Small Hat. 855 00:40:04,643 --> 00:40:05,963 What do you think, Chloe? 856 00:40:05,963 --> 00:40:08,803 I think we should use the information that we've gained 857 00:40:08,803 --> 00:40:12,403 from the rest of this game to inform us and go for Mr. Motivator. 858 00:40:12,403 --> 00:40:16,843 He has got, like a strong sense of self confidence, so he might need 859 00:40:16,843 --> 00:40:18,883 the big hat to fit his ego in. 860 00:40:18,883 --> 00:40:20,843 And all his gym equipment. 861 00:40:22,003 --> 00:40:23,643 Chloe, you know what we're using here? 862 00:40:23,643 --> 00:40:24,643 Instinct. 863 00:40:26,603 --> 00:40:28,443 So you're going to go Mr. Motivator? 864 00:40:28,443 --> 00:40:29,923 - Yeah. - Big hat. 865 00:40:29,923 --> 00:40:32,243 - Yeah. - OK. Let's do it. 866 00:40:32,243 --> 00:40:33,883 Let's see what he goes for. 867 00:40:35,083 --> 00:40:37,043 There's only one choice. 868 00:40:37,043 --> 00:40:38,403 You want to know what that choice is? 869 00:40:38,403 --> 00:40:39,403 That. 870 00:40:39,403 --> 00:40:41,483 Because size matters. 871 00:40:41,483 --> 00:40:43,363 Get on. Stay there. 872 00:40:54,523 --> 00:40:56,323 Is that the producers? 873 00:40:56,323 --> 00:40:57,323 Yes, I'm free. 874 00:41:00,163 --> 00:41:02,883 Are you booking yourself on the show you're already on? 875 00:41:04,483 --> 00:41:06,243 James, what are the final scores? 876 00:41:06,243 --> 00:41:09,003 That means that Compostable have 11 points 877 00:41:09,003 --> 00:41:12,443 whilst Big Mix are this week's winners with 12 points. 878 00:41:20,203 --> 00:41:21,923 Congratulations to Big Mix. 879 00:41:21,923 --> 00:41:25,683 You proved your worth in a non-existent Hypothetical universe. 880 00:41:25,683 --> 00:41:29,043 You are this week's winners. James. What have they won? 881 00:41:29,043 --> 00:41:32,443 As I said before, the Hypothetical prizes are a replica of Legoland 882 00:41:32,443 --> 00:41:35,723 made in Lego, two pints of salt, a guided tour of the world's worst 883 00:41:35,723 --> 00:41:38,683 car park, and a cricket bat signed by Roger Federer. 884 00:41:38,683 --> 00:41:40,403 But those are just hypothetical prizes. 885 00:41:40,403 --> 00:41:42,403 You've actually won a year's supply 886 00:41:42,403 --> 00:41:44,083 of Fisherman's Colleague. 887 00:41:48,163 --> 00:41:51,643 Thanks to our guests, Richard Ayoade, Guz Khan, 888 00:41:51,643 --> 00:41:54,443 Chloe Petts and Maisie Adam. 889 00:41:54,443 --> 00:41:58,123 Extra special thanks to my co-host and points enthusiast, James Acaster. 890 00:41:58,123 --> 00:41:59,123 Goodnight.