1 00:00:37,163 --> 00:00:39,963 Hello, and welcome to Hypothetical, 2 00:00:39,963 --> 00:00:42,163 the show that pits my favourite comedians 3 00:00:42,163 --> 00:00:45,443 against a variety of tricksy hypothetical scenarios. 4 00:00:45,443 --> 00:00:46,723 Let's meet today's guests. 5 00:00:46,723 --> 00:00:49,723 On my right it's Dara O Briain and Ninia Benjamin. 6 00:00:53,563 --> 00:00:57,643 And up against them it's Phil Wang and Roisin Conaty. 7 00:01:00,643 --> 00:01:02,403 But now it's time to introduce 8 00:01:02,403 --> 00:01:04,403 my co-host and arbiter of hypotheticals, 9 00:01:04,403 --> 00:01:07,763 a man who recently played a singing mouse 10 00:01:07,763 --> 00:01:10,043 in the Hollywood adaptation of Cinderella, 11 00:01:10,043 --> 00:01:12,163 so we do need to wrap this up by midnight. 12 00:01:12,163 --> 00:01:13,603 It's James Acaster! 13 00:01:26,763 --> 00:01:28,403 There you go, Cinderella. 14 00:01:28,403 --> 00:01:30,243 Yeah, I was in Cinderella as a talking mouse. 15 00:01:30,243 --> 00:01:31,483 So what? Big deal. 16 00:01:32,603 --> 00:01:35,003 Now, before we start, we need some team names. 17 00:01:35,003 --> 00:01:37,563 Dara and Ninia, what have you come up with? 18 00:01:37,563 --> 00:01:43,843 Our team name is DA R R NIN TA. 19 00:01:47,563 --> 00:01:50,723 - DA R R... - NIN TA. 20 00:01:50,723 --> 00:01:52,243 As in Da-ra-ra-nin-t-a. 21 00:01:52,243 --> 00:01:53,603 - Yeah. - That's us. Yes. 22 00:01:53,603 --> 00:01:56,603 # Da-ra-ra-nin-t-a. # 23 00:01:56,603 --> 00:01:58,363 - So do I have to sing it every time? - Yes. 24 00:01:58,363 --> 00:02:00,163 - That'd be lovely. - Why did I say that? 25 00:02:00,163 --> 00:02:01,443 Yeah. 26 00:02:01,443 --> 00:02:03,723 We never insisted that, but now we really want that. 27 00:02:03,723 --> 00:02:04,963 Oh, they've just said I can't. 28 00:02:04,963 --> 00:02:06,203 Right, now. 29 00:02:06,203 --> 00:02:08,043 No, they didn't. I didn't hear anything. 30 00:02:09,283 --> 00:02:10,843 Phil and Roisin, what have you gone for? 31 00:02:10,843 --> 00:02:12,963 Well, we really put our heads together, 32 00:02:12,963 --> 00:02:15,763 and I came up with... 33 00:02:17,123 --> 00:02:18,763 ..Philroisious. 34 00:02:19,763 --> 00:02:21,323 I like that. Philroisious. 35 00:02:21,323 --> 00:02:23,603 Can you sing that for us? I'm not familiar with that one. 36 00:02:23,603 --> 00:02:24,963 Can't afford the rights. 37 00:02:26,083 --> 00:02:27,483 Right, we've met our teams. 38 00:02:27,483 --> 00:02:29,843 Let's find out what they're playing for tonight. James? 39 00:02:29,843 --> 00:02:31,843 This week's hypothetical prizes are 40 00:02:31,843 --> 00:02:33,883 a selection of waterproof spoons, 41 00:02:33,883 --> 00:02:37,043 eight cubic metres of brie, three big bollards 42 00:02:37,043 --> 00:02:39,763 and a kiss on the lips from your favourite chef. 43 00:02:39,763 --> 00:02:41,643 Our first round is What Would You Do? 44 00:02:44,643 --> 00:02:46,203 James, how many points are up for grabs? 45 00:02:46,203 --> 00:02:48,683 I'll be awarding up to five points depending on how they deal 46 00:02:48,683 --> 00:02:51,403 with the scenario, from one, things aren't working out, 47 00:02:51,403 --> 00:02:54,683 up to five, things are working out and they've got a sixpack, baby. 48 00:02:54,683 --> 00:02:56,803 The first question is a head to head. 49 00:02:56,803 --> 00:02:58,323 Winning team gets the points. 50 00:02:58,323 --> 00:03:00,083 Dara, you'll be representing 51 00:03:00,083 --> 00:03:02,723 # Da-ra-ra-nin-t-a # 52 00:03:02,723 --> 00:03:05,763 and Roisin, you're playing for Philroisious. 53 00:03:05,763 --> 00:03:07,523 Here is your hypothetical. 54 00:03:07,523 --> 00:03:10,923 Kids are always going wild for the latest craze - 55 00:03:10,923 --> 00:03:15,323 Pokemon cards, fidget spinners, meow-meow. 56 00:03:15,323 --> 00:03:19,203 You must come up with this year's next big fad for children. 57 00:03:19,203 --> 00:03:20,803 James, the rules. 58 00:03:20,803 --> 00:03:23,923 Your toy must appeal to children across the world. 59 00:03:23,923 --> 00:03:27,243 Only one craze can win, and the winner will be the fad that 60 00:03:27,243 --> 00:03:31,003 most impresses my famously hard to please eight-year-old nephew 61 00:03:31,003 --> 00:03:32,043 Stanley. 62 00:03:35,283 --> 00:03:37,763 Roisin, what were the big crazes when you were at school? 63 00:03:37,763 --> 00:03:39,963 I liked fancy paper as a child. 64 00:03:39,963 --> 00:03:41,323 Fancy paper? 65 00:03:42,923 --> 00:03:45,803 You heard. Fancy paper. 66 00:03:48,323 --> 00:03:51,203 What, like colourful paper, or just really high GSM? 67 00:03:51,203 --> 00:03:53,843 It could be, it's quite, it could be like just paper 68 00:03:53,843 --> 00:03:55,923 that was...and I'd only need a sheet from each one, 69 00:03:55,923 --> 00:04:00,003 like if it had a pattern on it, or a hotel name, or... 70 00:04:00,003 --> 00:04:02,403 - So it hadn't been used yet? - Oh, totally unused. 71 00:04:02,403 --> 00:04:05,443 You couldn't just have scraps of people's shopping lists. 72 00:04:06,323 --> 00:04:08,643 Um, so are you going to incorporate that? 73 00:04:08,643 --> 00:04:10,883 Is that a jumping off point for your...? 74 00:04:10,883 --> 00:04:12,203 - No. - No. 75 00:04:12,203 --> 00:04:15,203 My idea is, so we know the robots are coming, 76 00:04:15,203 --> 00:04:16,843 and we know how good they are. 77 00:04:19,723 --> 00:04:21,003 So we know how good robots are. 78 00:04:21,003 --> 00:04:23,283 You've seen all those robots that are, like, mad. 79 00:04:26,043 --> 00:04:29,283 So you get one, you get one, but it's a...and then you make it, 80 00:04:29,283 --> 00:04:32,643 you know, as close to a real dog as possible. 81 00:04:32,643 --> 00:04:34,243 - Right. - So a robot dog? 82 00:04:34,243 --> 00:04:37,603 A robot dog. And then... But this is the big bit. 83 00:04:37,603 --> 00:04:38,763 So you get it. 84 00:04:38,763 --> 00:04:41,483 It's like three months, four months, puppy, so they've got the puppy, 85 00:04:41,483 --> 00:04:43,843 and it's got all the programming of a puppy. 86 00:04:43,843 --> 00:04:47,083 Then, at six months you can reprogram it and also take it 87 00:04:47,083 --> 00:04:49,243 apart and extend it, so it gets bigger. 88 00:04:51,363 --> 00:04:53,643 You know, it's like a lockdown-proof dog, as well. 89 00:04:53,643 --> 00:04:56,003 You don't have to feel guilty about not taking it out for exercise. 90 00:04:56,003 --> 00:04:56,923 That's it. 91 00:04:56,923 --> 00:04:58,443 It's happy just sitting there charging. 92 00:05:01,403 --> 00:05:04,483 Dara, have you got any thoughts on what would compete? 93 00:05:04,483 --> 00:05:06,283 Well, not specifically compete with that. 94 00:05:06,283 --> 00:05:10,003 So, a range of breakable toys. 95 00:05:10,003 --> 00:05:11,963 Not really toys, but a breakable. 96 00:05:11,963 --> 00:05:14,763 Like a walnut. A walnut. 97 00:05:14,763 --> 00:05:16,043 This is great. 98 00:05:17,203 --> 00:05:20,803 It's a walnut that you have to break the thing that's outside out 99 00:05:20,803 --> 00:05:24,123 of the walnut, and you've got to find a way to either smash 100 00:05:24,123 --> 00:05:26,763 the walnut, smash it against something, and then 101 00:05:26,763 --> 00:05:32,403 when you open the walnut up, inside the walnut there is a 102 00:05:32,403 --> 00:05:35,203 model of one of the cast members of EastEnders. 103 00:05:35,203 --> 00:05:36,403 I don't know. 104 00:05:37,843 --> 00:05:39,323 And you have to collect them all. 105 00:05:39,323 --> 00:05:41,683 So it's like a kind of savoury Kinder Egg? 106 00:05:41,683 --> 00:05:44,243 Yes, if the toy was Danny Dyer. 107 00:05:46,043 --> 00:05:49,283 Yeah, but what Dara didn't tell you lot, that I think 108 00:05:49,283 --> 00:05:52,123 that he was gonna say, was that the shell is also 109 00:05:52,123 --> 00:05:53,363 a jigsaw puzzle. 110 00:05:53,363 --> 00:05:55,723 So these children are getting a whole heap of toys for a little 111 00:05:55,723 --> 00:05:56,763 bit of money. 112 00:05:56,763 --> 00:05:58,003 - Innit, Dara? - No. 113 00:06:01,003 --> 00:06:03,323 Just the design problems with that are hideous. 114 00:06:03,323 --> 00:06:05,403 - If they smash open the walnut. - Exactly. 115 00:06:05,403 --> 00:06:08,363 And then they got the EastEnders figure, and then they have to put 116 00:06:08,363 --> 00:06:10,403 the walnut back together to make another little walnut. 117 00:06:10,403 --> 00:06:13,043 - Exactly. - And what are we calling this? 118 00:06:13,043 --> 00:06:15,483 Er, Smash It And Go. 119 00:06:15,483 --> 00:06:16,603 Yeah. 120 00:06:16,603 --> 00:06:20,403 So EastEnders doesn't appear at all in the name of the toy? 121 00:06:20,403 --> 00:06:23,323 The kids go, "Smash it, cool. 122 00:06:23,323 --> 00:06:24,883 "Who is that?" 123 00:06:26,723 --> 00:06:30,043 Right, James, what do you think your nephew Stanley... 124 00:06:30,043 --> 00:06:32,963 - Yeah. - ..would make of these? 125 00:06:32,963 --> 00:06:34,203 Hard to tell, really. 126 00:06:34,203 --> 00:06:35,923 Me and Stanley aren't really on the same page. 127 00:06:35,923 --> 00:06:37,443 - He hates my comedy, for example. - Yeah. 128 00:06:37,443 --> 00:06:38,803 - Loves you. Huge fan of you. - Yeah. 129 00:06:38,803 --> 00:06:41,403 I can't really predict what Stanley would say. 130 00:06:41,403 --> 00:06:43,003 I think it's best just to get him in here 131 00:06:43,003 --> 00:06:44,523 and have them pitch it to Stanley. 132 00:06:44,523 --> 00:06:45,643 - Yeah, that's good. - Yeah. 133 00:06:45,643 --> 00:06:47,083 CLIFF! 134 00:06:47,083 --> 00:06:49,283 Bring out Stanley's bedroom right now! 135 00:06:50,483 --> 00:06:53,043 # His name is Cliff, he works in props 136 00:06:53,043 --> 00:06:55,883 # He sets them up, and could do better. # 137 00:06:57,283 --> 00:07:00,163 So, who's gonna play Stanley? 138 00:07:00,163 --> 00:07:02,243 Oh, I'll go and get Stanley right now. 139 00:07:02,243 --> 00:07:04,163 Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll get my little cousin, 140 00:07:04,163 --> 00:07:06,203 my little nephew Stanley. 141 00:07:06,203 --> 00:07:07,643 Little nephew Stanley. 142 00:07:07,643 --> 00:07:09,843 I keep on saying little cousin Stanley, cause I'm thinking 143 00:07:09,843 --> 00:07:11,283 about little cousin Scampi. 144 00:07:12,923 --> 00:07:16,003 Stanley, who would you... whose toy would you...? 145 00:07:16,003 --> 00:07:19,483 Oh, my God, it's Josh Widdicombe! My favourite comedian! 146 00:07:21,443 --> 00:07:24,203 I would like to see Roisin first, please, Josh. 147 00:07:25,323 --> 00:07:27,163 What do you need from me, child? 148 00:07:28,483 --> 00:07:29,683 Right, next. 149 00:07:31,603 --> 00:07:34,123 - I'm so maternal. - This lady is scary. 150 00:07:34,123 --> 00:07:35,443 I love toys. 151 00:07:35,443 --> 00:07:36,963 You got a new toy idea? 152 00:07:36,963 --> 00:07:38,443 Oh, I do have a new toy idea. 153 00:07:38,443 --> 00:07:40,083 I didn't realise you were judging my toy. 154 00:07:40,083 --> 00:07:41,163 Hello! 155 00:07:41,163 --> 00:07:43,403 What did you think this was? 156 00:07:43,403 --> 00:07:45,083 Babysitting role play? 157 00:07:46,123 --> 00:07:47,723 Won't be the first time. 158 00:07:48,763 --> 00:07:50,043 OK, so... (LAUGHS) 159 00:07:52,123 --> 00:07:53,883 Whoa. 160 00:07:53,883 --> 00:07:55,483 That is some fancy paper. 161 00:08:03,723 --> 00:08:05,323 Do you like dogs, kid? 162 00:08:07,483 --> 00:08:10,163 - Yeah, I love little doggies. - You love dogs. 163 00:08:10,163 --> 00:08:11,563 Do you like big dogs or small dogs? 164 00:08:11,563 --> 00:08:13,523 Small dogs, and I like it when they get big! 165 00:08:15,763 --> 00:08:17,283 OK. 166 00:08:17,283 --> 00:08:21,923 So what I want to draw for you is a cute... 167 00:08:22,883 --> 00:08:24,483 (LAUGHS) 168 00:08:25,723 --> 00:08:30,963 Mum! There's a stranger in my room! 169 00:08:32,683 --> 00:08:35,203 They're just the ears, they're just the ears. 170 00:08:41,443 --> 00:08:42,723 What are you drawing? 171 00:08:42,723 --> 00:08:45,683 This is a doggy. 172 00:08:45,683 --> 00:08:49,203 But it also looks a bit like a mouse that James played in Cinderella. 173 00:08:49,923 --> 00:08:52,323 Ah! Cinderella was shit. 174 00:08:52,323 --> 00:08:55,003 My uncle James is so bad. 175 00:08:55,003 --> 00:08:59,283 He's not funny, and he is absolutely stealing a living. 176 00:09:05,283 --> 00:09:06,683 This is a lovely doggy. 177 00:09:06,683 --> 00:09:07,803 He'll lick you. 178 00:09:07,803 --> 00:09:08,883 What? 179 00:09:08,883 --> 00:09:10,203 Kisses. It'll give you kisses. 180 00:09:10,203 --> 00:09:11,563 Mum! 181 00:09:13,563 --> 00:09:17,283 He's a nice dog and he comes a little bit smaller than this 182 00:09:17,283 --> 00:09:22,123 to start, and then, you want him to get big? 183 00:09:26,403 --> 00:09:29,723 How many times have I gotta call my mother during this? 184 00:09:32,883 --> 00:09:34,123 Roisin! 185 00:09:35,083 --> 00:09:37,843 I can't stop sounding like a paedophile! 186 00:09:39,323 --> 00:09:41,083 OK, so that's how he starts. 187 00:09:41,083 --> 00:09:42,643 This is how the doggy starts. 188 00:09:42,643 --> 00:09:43,723 Yes? 189 00:09:43,723 --> 00:09:47,883 And then, you become friends with him, you take him for walks. 190 00:09:47,883 --> 00:09:48,963 Yes? 191 00:09:48,963 --> 00:09:51,483 And then one night you go to bed, you have a sleep in your bed, 192 00:09:51,483 --> 00:09:52,883 and then you wake up. 193 00:09:52,883 --> 00:09:54,683 Uh-oh, where's this going? 194 00:09:58,883 --> 00:10:01,443 And then you wake up and you've got... 195 00:10:13,843 --> 00:10:15,203 You've got... 196 00:10:21,403 --> 00:10:23,163 You've got... (LAUGHS) 197 00:10:26,083 --> 00:10:28,923 You've got a big, grown-up dog. 198 00:10:30,203 --> 00:10:32,283 Thank you. Well, listen, I'm gonna have a different pitch 199 00:10:32,283 --> 00:10:33,523 from a different person now. 200 00:10:33,523 --> 00:10:34,523 Thank you. 201 00:10:34,523 --> 00:10:36,803 And, I wouldn't normally say this before someone goes, 202 00:10:36,803 --> 00:10:39,923 but this next person has an open goal on their hands. 203 00:10:42,123 --> 00:10:43,683 Get out of my room! 204 00:10:45,003 --> 00:10:46,403 Oh, God. 205 00:10:47,523 --> 00:10:48,883 That was so funny. 206 00:10:53,483 --> 00:10:55,243 - Hey, Stanley! - Hello. 207 00:10:55,243 --> 00:10:57,443 - How are you? - Yeah, I'm good. Hello. 208 00:10:58,563 --> 00:11:00,003 Do you want me to get rid of the scary dog? 209 00:11:00,003 --> 00:11:01,323 Yes. A paedophile drew it. 210 00:11:03,243 --> 00:11:05,083 - Not nice, is it? - No. 211 00:11:07,843 --> 00:11:09,603 Can I borrow your cushion? 212 00:11:09,603 --> 00:11:10,683 Yes. 213 00:11:17,203 --> 00:11:19,363 If you go for my idea, I'll just give you a puppy. 214 00:11:19,363 --> 00:11:21,363 - Is that better? - Yeah, that's way better. 215 00:11:21,363 --> 00:11:23,603 - I love puppies. - Yeah, they're great, aren't they? 216 00:11:23,603 --> 00:11:25,963 The only thing I love more than puppies is walnuts and EastEnders. 217 00:11:25,963 --> 00:11:27,483 Oh! 218 00:11:34,283 --> 00:11:36,163 Imagine there's a walnut, right? 219 00:11:36,163 --> 00:11:37,323 - Oh. - Yeah. 220 00:11:37,323 --> 00:11:39,203 - I love it. - It's amazing, isn't it? 221 00:11:39,203 --> 00:11:40,603 Look at that lovely walnut. 222 00:11:40,603 --> 00:11:42,283 Do you ever wonder what's inside the walnut, though? 223 00:11:42,283 --> 00:11:43,723 Oh, I wonder every day. 224 00:11:43,723 --> 00:11:45,003 Oh! 225 00:11:46,803 --> 00:11:48,283 But how would you get into the walnut? 226 00:11:48,283 --> 00:11:49,523 I don't know. You tell me. 227 00:11:49,523 --> 00:11:50,723 Oh, there are so many ways! 228 00:11:50,723 --> 00:11:51,923 There are so many ways to get into it. 229 00:11:51,923 --> 00:11:54,043 - I don't know. I'm just eight. - You could drop it on the ground. 230 00:11:54,043 --> 00:11:55,203 Drop it on the ground. 231 00:11:55,203 --> 00:11:57,723 Or you could... Oh, hang on, look. 232 00:11:57,723 --> 00:12:00,723 Oh, you could... smash it with a hammer! 233 00:12:00,723 --> 00:12:02,363 Smash it with a hammer! 234 00:12:04,203 --> 00:12:05,643 But that's not the end. 235 00:12:05,643 --> 00:12:07,603 - That's not the end? - No. 236 00:12:07,603 --> 00:12:09,563 Imagine if inside the walnut... 237 00:12:09,563 --> 00:12:11,403 Keep on talking. 238 00:12:11,403 --> 00:12:12,803 Oh! 239 00:12:12,803 --> 00:12:16,083 Danny. Oh, please let the next word be "Dyer"! 240 00:12:16,083 --> 00:12:19,163 - It is Dyer! Danny Dyer! - Whoa! 241 00:12:19,163 --> 00:12:21,243 I love it. 242 00:12:22,883 --> 00:12:24,443 Is my propellor spinning? 243 00:12:24,443 --> 00:12:26,603 - Be honest. - Oh! 244 00:12:26,603 --> 00:12:29,963 - (PHONE RINGS) - Oh, sorry. Sorry, Dara. 245 00:12:29,963 --> 00:12:31,483 Hello, Stanley's bedroom? 246 00:12:31,483 --> 00:12:33,043 Hello, it's Josh Widdicombe. 247 00:12:33,043 --> 00:12:35,083 WHAT?! 248 00:12:35,083 --> 00:12:36,923 Josh Widdicombe, you are so funny. 249 00:12:38,163 --> 00:12:40,563 OK, so, which toy are you gonna go for as the winner? 250 00:12:40,563 --> 00:12:43,363 Well, obviously I'm gonna go for the Smash And Go. 251 00:12:43,363 --> 00:12:45,003 Full five points for Dara. 252 00:12:46,883 --> 00:12:49,203 I love you, Josh Widdicombe! I love you! 253 00:12:53,323 --> 00:12:55,043 It's time for James's Wishlist. 254 00:12:55,043 --> 00:12:59,283 JAMES: # James's Wishlist, wish upon a star! # 255 00:13:02,923 --> 00:13:06,523 In this round we're gonna be picking something from James's 256 00:13:06,523 --> 00:13:09,883 ever-expanding list of dreams, and our panellists are gonna tell us 257 00:13:09,883 --> 00:13:11,483 how they'd make it happen. 258 00:13:11,483 --> 00:13:14,763 Whoever gives the best answer is gonna get up to five points. 259 00:13:14,763 --> 00:13:17,843 So tell us, what is on your wishlist this week, James? 260 00:13:17,843 --> 00:13:20,603 Well, Josh, it's a simple wish, one I've had ever since 261 00:13:20,603 --> 00:13:21,643 I was a young lad. 262 00:13:21,643 --> 00:13:25,803 I want Fiona Bruce to appear on television wearing a T-shirt 263 00:13:25,803 --> 00:13:29,763 with my face on it, and I want Phil and Ninia to sort it out for me. 264 00:13:29,763 --> 00:13:32,403 Of course you do. And what are the rules? 265 00:13:32,403 --> 00:13:35,363 Fiona must wear it on Question Time, that's my only rule. 266 00:13:35,363 --> 00:13:37,323 'Cause I hate Antiques Roadshow! 267 00:13:38,723 --> 00:13:40,923 There you go. Right. Phil? 268 00:13:40,923 --> 00:13:43,843 OK, so Question Time is a topical news program, 269 00:13:43,843 --> 00:13:47,283 in case you haven't heard, and we need to get... 270 00:13:47,283 --> 00:13:50,843 In order to get James's T-shirt onto it, 271 00:13:50,843 --> 00:13:54,363 James, or the T-shirt, needs to be a news story. 272 00:13:54,363 --> 00:13:55,683 Ah. 273 00:13:55,683 --> 00:13:58,003 It needs to be one of the questions. 274 00:13:58,003 --> 00:14:03,083 It's like, "Has James Acaster merchandise gone too far?"? 275 00:14:03,083 --> 00:14:07,283 What, and then Fiona Bruce is gonna say, "Yes, it has." 276 00:14:09,043 --> 00:14:10,803 Yeah, you know how she is on that show. 277 00:14:10,803 --> 00:14:13,563 She's a sort of like fun-loving, jokey character. 278 00:14:16,043 --> 00:14:18,963 This would fit in perfectly to that persona. 279 00:14:18,963 --> 00:14:21,683 What about if the merch, the reason why she wears it 280 00:14:21,683 --> 00:14:27,843 is because the merch is causing people to get scabies, 281 00:14:27,843 --> 00:14:30,123 or another thing. 282 00:14:31,403 --> 00:14:32,443 - Hmm. - Fair enough. 283 00:14:32,443 --> 00:14:34,163 I mean, what I love about this... 284 00:14:34,163 --> 00:14:37,443 I'm gonna say now that after this record 285 00:14:37,443 --> 00:14:39,643 I'm gonna go to the producers, I'm gonna say 286 00:14:39,643 --> 00:14:42,403 every episode I would like Phil and Roisin on it as a team, 287 00:14:42,403 --> 00:14:44,843 and I always want to put the question to Phil, 288 00:14:44,843 --> 00:14:48,963 have Phil lay out a foolproof, just watertight solution, 289 00:14:48,963 --> 00:14:51,363 and then throw to Roisin and see how she fucks it up. 290 00:14:52,763 --> 00:14:54,323 His is super-clean. 291 00:14:54,323 --> 00:14:56,723 Roisin - everyone's got scabies! 292 00:14:59,363 --> 00:15:00,923 Right. Ninia? 293 00:15:00,923 --> 00:15:06,643 What James doesn't know was in 1976 there was a question with why is it 294 00:15:06,643 --> 00:15:10,323 that the presenters and the people that they have on there never look 295 00:15:10,323 --> 00:15:13,603 more casual and in touch with the people? 296 00:15:13,603 --> 00:15:17,083 Can one day BBC Question Time - 297 00:15:17,083 --> 00:15:19,963 I'm reading it in the voice of the person who's written in the letter - 298 00:15:19,963 --> 00:15:25,443 can BBC Question Time please, at least once, 299 00:15:25,443 --> 00:15:31,363 have the people on Question Time wearing casual clothes? 300 00:15:31,363 --> 00:15:32,443 Yeah. 301 00:15:32,443 --> 00:15:36,723 However, you want her to have your face on. 302 00:15:36,723 --> 00:15:37,923 Yes, please. 303 00:15:37,923 --> 00:15:45,323 What you don't know is that Fiona Bruce is such a fan 304 00:15:45,323 --> 00:15:50,323 of the Kickers-corduroy jacket combo 305 00:15:50,323 --> 00:15:53,603 that you are actually one of her favourite people. 306 00:15:53,603 --> 00:16:01,403 So when Mr BBC, or Miss BBC, said, "Can we have people in T-shirts?" 307 00:16:01,403 --> 00:16:04,083 she went, "Oh, my days!" 308 00:16:04,083 --> 00:16:06,363 Because me and Fiona are tight and she talks like that, 309 00:16:06,363 --> 00:16:08,083 but she just can't do it on TV. 310 00:16:08,083 --> 00:16:10,243 "Oh, my days! 311 00:16:10,243 --> 00:16:12,603 "I'm gonna wear the James Acaster T-shirt." 312 00:16:12,603 --> 00:16:16,323 Bob's your uncle, Fanny happens to be your aunt, 313 00:16:16,323 --> 00:16:19,163 Fiona Bruce is wearing your T-shirt. 314 00:16:19,163 --> 00:16:20,803 Thank you very much. 315 00:16:21,883 --> 00:16:23,403 Thank you, thank you. 316 00:16:25,083 --> 00:16:26,483 Well, I'd buy that. 317 00:16:26,483 --> 00:16:27,563 - What? - Yeah. 318 00:16:27,563 --> 00:16:29,723 Why? What's there to buy? 319 00:16:29,723 --> 00:16:32,923 Well, that seems like Ninia can definitely make that happen. 320 00:16:32,923 --> 00:16:35,523 Maybe I don't buy it, but it's a complete plan. 321 00:16:35,523 --> 00:16:37,083 What is your problem with this, Phil? 322 00:16:37,083 --> 00:16:40,043 My problem with it, my problem with it was I have a plan 323 00:16:40,043 --> 00:16:41,763 of action, and Ninia... 324 00:16:41,763 --> 00:16:45,683 ..Ninia's idea is predicated on an unestablished assumption... 325 00:16:45,683 --> 00:16:46,723 Mm. 326 00:16:46,723 --> 00:16:48,763 ..that Fiona Bruce is a huge James Acaster fan... 327 00:16:48,763 --> 00:16:49,883 Oh, no, but she... 328 00:16:49,883 --> 00:16:51,483 ..and is really into Kickers and a corduroy jacket. 329 00:16:51,483 --> 00:16:53,923 What she really wants to wear is a cheap white T-shirt 330 00:16:53,923 --> 00:16:55,083 with James's face on it. 331 00:16:55,083 --> 00:16:56,043 No. 332 00:16:56,043 --> 00:16:58,043 She doesn't want to wear a cheap one. 333 00:16:58,043 --> 00:17:01,683 This is like a proper Fruit of the Loom one, not... 334 00:17:01,683 --> 00:17:02,923 No way. 335 00:17:02,923 --> 00:17:05,243 - To speak for Phil, if I may. - Yeah. 336 00:17:05,243 --> 00:17:06,443 Please. 337 00:17:06,443 --> 00:17:12,683 I think ours is more like a sort of...it's a dark campaign, 338 00:17:12,683 --> 00:17:15,883 and so it's gonna be, we're gonna start a rumour... 339 00:17:15,883 --> 00:17:18,083 Conspiracy theories are so easy to start right now. 340 00:17:18,083 --> 00:17:20,563 Yeah. It's QAnon with James Acaster, and we'll think of a rumour... 341 00:17:20,563 --> 00:17:21,643 Yeah. 342 00:17:21,643 --> 00:17:23,683 ..and put it in the right spaces where those sort of people read it. 343 00:17:23,683 --> 00:17:24,883 Yeah, yeah. Yeah. 344 00:17:24,883 --> 00:17:27,043 And then Fiona will... and then it will get to a point 345 00:17:27,043 --> 00:17:29,123 where everyone is like, "This has actually gone out of control. 346 00:17:29,123 --> 00:17:32,363 "This is crazy," and then Fiona, and all of them... 347 00:17:32,363 --> 00:17:35,003 To show the nation that it's safe to wear James Acaster T-shirts. 348 00:17:35,003 --> 00:17:36,883 - Oh. - After the scabies rumour... 349 00:17:36,883 --> 00:17:38,963 - It'll become like a BBC thing. - ..that Roisin started. 350 00:17:38,963 --> 00:17:39,963 Yes. 351 00:17:39,963 --> 00:17:43,403 So it's a BBC thing that they're, like, to sort out the rumours 352 00:17:43,403 --> 00:17:45,683 about the James Acaster T-shirts... 353 00:17:45,683 --> 00:17:47,123 - Yes. - What? 354 00:17:47,123 --> 00:17:50,883 ..we are all, across the channel, including Fiona Bruce... 355 00:17:50,883 --> 00:17:53,043 And all the political broadcasters from different parties 356 00:17:53,043 --> 00:17:54,403 are wearing it to prove that... 357 00:17:54,403 --> 00:17:55,523 Yeah, to prove it's safe. 358 00:17:55,523 --> 00:17:57,843 ..this isn't a thing that is causing behavioural changes. 359 00:17:57,843 --> 00:17:59,843 - You won't get scabies. - I think that's a great idea. 360 00:17:59,843 --> 00:18:02,363 I genuinely want to see that episode of Question Time. 361 00:18:02,363 --> 00:18:03,763 - Can we make that happen? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. 362 00:18:03,763 --> 00:18:05,523 - Have you got a set? - Yeah, they're right there. 363 00:18:05,523 --> 00:18:06,643 Oh, yeah. 364 00:18:08,843 --> 00:18:10,523 Here's what I want you to do, Phil Wang, 365 00:18:10,523 --> 00:18:11,843 in this episode of Question Time, 366 00:18:11,843 --> 00:18:13,923 you're gonna be in the audience, asking questions, 367 00:18:13,923 --> 00:18:16,723 and I want you to go so off the deep end on this conspiracy theory that 368 00:18:16,723 --> 00:18:20,603 Fiona Bruce feels morally obliged to put on a T-shirt of me 369 00:18:20,603 --> 00:18:22,283 in order to prove that you're full of shit. 370 00:18:22,283 --> 00:18:27,603 So I'm just gonna become Bruce now, real quick. 371 00:18:31,763 --> 00:18:34,923 Do you know what? That's a really good Fiona Bruce wig. 372 00:18:50,763 --> 00:18:52,643 Hello, and welcome to Question Time, 373 00:18:52,643 --> 00:18:55,603 which this week comes from Kettering Athletics Club. 374 00:18:55,603 --> 00:18:59,643 I'm joined by Laura Kuenssberg, Lizo from Newsround 375 00:18:59,643 --> 00:19:02,043 and, for balance, Benito Mussolini. 376 00:19:02,043 --> 00:19:03,243 Right... 377 00:19:09,563 --> 00:19:11,563 First question, please, from the audience. 378 00:19:11,563 --> 00:19:13,043 First question, please. 379 00:19:13,043 --> 00:19:15,643 Yes, yes, the bespectacled fellow, please stand up. 380 00:19:15,643 --> 00:19:16,763 Yeah. 381 00:19:16,763 --> 00:19:20,843 Can the panel explain to me 382 00:19:20,843 --> 00:19:24,643 why we still allow kids, young people in this country, 383 00:19:24,643 --> 00:19:26,563 which I love, by the way - 384 00:19:26,563 --> 00:19:29,003 the country, not the kids... 385 00:19:29,003 --> 00:19:30,963 Some of the kids? 386 00:19:30,963 --> 00:19:33,123 Some of the kids, but the ones that are... 387 00:19:35,363 --> 00:19:36,843 Why...? 388 00:19:36,843 --> 00:19:40,523 Benito will back me up on this - why are we... 389 00:19:41,563 --> 00:19:45,163 ..why are we allowing the young people of this country 390 00:19:45,163 --> 00:19:49,003 to wear T-shirts with James Acaster's face on it? 391 00:19:49,003 --> 00:19:51,523 When are we going to wake up as a country 392 00:19:51,523 --> 00:19:54,443 and burn James Acaster T-shirts? 393 00:19:55,523 --> 00:19:57,483 What the hell? 394 00:19:57,483 --> 00:20:00,243 Can't believe what I'm hearing here? 395 00:20:00,243 --> 00:20:02,603 I'm a big James Acaster fan. 396 00:20:02,603 --> 00:20:04,163 Anyone else want to chip in on this? 397 00:20:04,163 --> 00:20:05,403 OK, just me. 398 00:20:05,403 --> 00:20:08,923 Listen, I can't believe what I'm hearing. 399 00:20:08,923 --> 00:20:10,963 He's a witty guy. I like him. 400 00:20:10,963 --> 00:20:13,563 - Too tall! Lanky! - What? 401 00:20:15,163 --> 00:20:17,563 He's too... He's so gangly. 402 00:20:17,563 --> 00:20:21,203 He's turning our kids gangly, and they wave their arms. 403 00:20:21,203 --> 00:20:23,123 Turning your kids gangly? 404 00:20:23,123 --> 00:20:25,283 James is making them... all the kids now, they go around 405 00:20:25,283 --> 00:20:27,203 like this all the time. 406 00:20:27,203 --> 00:20:30,243 James Acaster, frankly, is disgusting, 407 00:20:30,243 --> 00:20:32,923 and let's burn the James Acaster T-shirts. 408 00:20:36,563 --> 00:20:38,443 Disgusting. It's disgusting. 409 00:20:38,443 --> 00:20:41,483 I can't believe what... I feel like this is getting out of hand. 410 00:20:41,483 --> 00:20:43,363 I think everyone is losing a bit of perspective here. 411 00:20:43,363 --> 00:20:45,603 It's just a T-shirt with a comedian on it. 412 00:20:45,603 --> 00:20:47,483 It's got scabies in it! 413 00:20:48,803 --> 00:20:50,803 Yeah, it's got scabies in it. 414 00:20:50,803 --> 00:20:54,763 It has got scabies in it. It's got scabies in it. 415 00:20:56,283 --> 00:20:58,883 I've been given here... People told me you were going to talk about this. 416 00:20:58,883 --> 00:21:00,683 Is this the kind of stuff you're talking about? 417 00:21:00,683 --> 00:21:02,443 There it is, right there. 418 00:21:02,443 --> 00:21:03,963 I'm just gonna have to, just for some balance, 419 00:21:03,963 --> 00:21:05,403 I think I'm gonna have to prove that this... 420 00:21:05,403 --> 00:21:07,243 - Don't do it, Fiona. - There's nothing wrong with this. 421 00:21:07,243 --> 00:21:09,803 No, don't do it. Fiona, don't. 422 00:21:09,803 --> 00:21:12,643 You'll sound... You'll sound Japanese if you put it on. 423 00:21:15,603 --> 00:21:17,763 It'll be very problematic. 424 00:21:17,763 --> 00:21:19,923 It'll be highly problematic. 425 00:21:19,923 --> 00:21:22,563 Don't do it, Bruce. I love you. 426 00:21:22,563 --> 00:21:24,963 I'm gonna prove that this is fine. I'm gonna prove that this is fine. 427 00:21:24,963 --> 00:21:26,923 No! No! 428 00:21:26,923 --> 00:21:29,403 Stop her. Stop her! 429 00:21:29,403 --> 00:21:31,483 Liz, Lizo, stop her. 430 00:21:31,483 --> 00:21:33,483 Come on. 431 00:21:33,483 --> 00:21:34,883 Konnichiwa. 432 00:21:41,003 --> 00:21:43,043 Get out of here, you! 433 00:21:54,843 --> 00:21:56,563 Well, well, well. 434 00:21:56,563 --> 00:21:58,683 It's very hard to choose between them, actually, 435 00:21:58,683 --> 00:22:00,323 cause I felt at the end there 436 00:22:00,323 --> 00:22:02,243 both the ideas came together, you know. 437 00:22:02,243 --> 00:22:05,123 Fiona Bruce wouldn't have stuck up to Phil if it wasn't for the fact 438 00:22:05,123 --> 00:22:07,643 she was a massive James Acaster fan, like Ninia said. 439 00:22:07,643 --> 00:22:08,643 Yeah. 440 00:22:08,643 --> 00:22:10,483 So I'm gonna go three points to Phil Wang, 441 00:22:10,483 --> 00:22:12,603 two points to Ninia Benjamin, I think that's fair. 442 00:22:16,283 --> 00:22:17,723 Where does that leave the points? 443 00:22:17,723 --> 00:22:21,603 Philroisious has three points, and Da-ra-ra-nin-t-a is in the lead 444 00:22:21,603 --> 00:22:23,043 with seven points. 445 00:22:24,628 --> 00:22:26,883 Next up it's the Great Wall of Celebrities. 446 00:22:30,043 --> 00:22:31,043 Whoa! 447 00:22:31,043 --> 00:22:34,363 Teams, you must take it in turns to pick a celeb and guess how 448 00:22:34,363 --> 00:22:36,683 they answered a tricky hypothetical. 449 00:22:36,683 --> 00:22:39,083 Each question is worth one point. 450 00:22:39,083 --> 00:22:40,163 OK. 451 00:22:40,163 --> 00:22:41,163 Phil and Rois? 452 00:22:41,163 --> 00:22:44,363 Can we please go for Nina Wadia? 453 00:22:44,363 --> 00:22:45,483 OK. 454 00:22:45,483 --> 00:22:48,963 You must get one of the following tattooed on your body. 455 00:22:48,963 --> 00:22:51,923 A, Michael Caine's face on your face. 456 00:22:51,923 --> 00:22:54,323 B, Alan Sugar's hand on your hand, 457 00:22:54,323 --> 00:22:57,363 making it look like you're always aggressively pointing at someone. 458 00:22:57,363 --> 00:23:00,563 Or, C, James on your left buttock and Josh on your right. 459 00:23:01,923 --> 00:23:03,683 I mean, they're all wonderful. 460 00:23:03,683 --> 00:23:05,843 Which would you go for yourself? 461 00:23:05,843 --> 00:23:09,243 - I would say the buttocks one. - Yeah? 462 00:23:09,243 --> 00:23:12,283 Because, yeah, I mean only a select few are going to see that, 463 00:23:12,283 --> 00:23:15,883 - compared to my face, or my hand. - Yeah. 464 00:23:15,883 --> 00:23:20,003 And it just shows people that I'm into comedy. 465 00:23:20,003 --> 00:23:21,163 I'm with Phil. 466 00:23:21,163 --> 00:23:25,323 I think that it's the buttocks, but I would have them so small, 467 00:23:25,323 --> 00:23:27,803 they would be so small it would be like a little, 468 00:23:27,803 --> 00:23:31,043 like, you'd have to be, the closer you were with someone, 469 00:23:31,043 --> 00:23:33,283 eventually, like, before you got married, you'd be, 470 00:23:33,283 --> 00:23:38,763 like, get out the magnifying glass and go in, and that would be 471 00:23:38,763 --> 00:23:41,523 the reveal, that when they put a magnifying glass, all of a sudden 472 00:23:41,523 --> 00:23:43,283 Josh Widdicombe is on your arse. 473 00:23:43,283 --> 00:23:44,363 Yeah. 474 00:23:44,363 --> 00:23:47,083 You know those two moles on my butt that you always compliment me on? 475 00:23:47,083 --> 00:23:48,363 Have a little look. 476 00:23:49,403 --> 00:23:52,163 Right, let's see what Nina Wadia went with. 477 00:23:52,163 --> 00:23:54,083 Did she go with C? 478 00:23:54,083 --> 00:23:56,723 I think I'd have to have the boys on my arse. 479 00:23:56,723 --> 00:23:58,523 - Yes. - Yes. 480 00:23:58,523 --> 00:23:59,963 One point. 481 00:23:59,963 --> 00:24:03,723 Da-ra-ra-nin-t-a, who are you gonna pick? 482 00:24:03,723 --> 00:24:06,443 I'm gonna pick Ella Vaday. 483 00:24:06,443 --> 00:24:08,003 Ella Vaday. 484 00:24:08,003 --> 00:24:11,283 James is tempted to take his first steps into the glamorous 485 00:24:11,283 --> 00:24:12,443 world of drag. 486 00:24:12,443 --> 00:24:14,963 What drag name should he go for? 487 00:24:14,963 --> 00:24:17,083 James A. Bastard. 488 00:24:17,083 --> 00:24:18,363 Ooh. 489 00:24:18,363 --> 00:24:19,923 Oh, that's very good, actually. 490 00:24:19,923 --> 00:24:22,763 Um, you would be either Ali Caster. 491 00:24:22,763 --> 00:24:25,123 - OK, yeah. - 'Cause they do love that. 492 00:24:25,123 --> 00:24:27,003 I don't know what it's called, but it's a name where you kind 493 00:24:27,003 --> 00:24:28,283 of make it sound... 494 00:24:28,283 --> 00:24:29,283 Yeah. 495 00:24:29,283 --> 00:24:31,683 - Caster Sugar? - Yeah. 496 00:24:31,683 --> 00:24:33,603 - Acaster Sugar. - Yep. 497 00:24:33,603 --> 00:24:34,683 Acaster Sugar. 498 00:24:34,683 --> 00:24:35,923 Oh, so it's like, "What's your name?" 499 00:24:35,923 --> 00:24:37,163 "Acaster, Sugar." 500 00:24:38,643 --> 00:24:40,483 I might start doing that anyway. 501 00:24:43,043 --> 00:24:46,123 I've not called enough people "sugar" in my life. 502 00:24:46,123 --> 00:24:48,883 Your name could be Cordi Roy. 503 00:24:48,883 --> 00:24:50,123 Oh, here we go. 504 00:24:50,123 --> 00:24:51,523 - Cordi Roy. - Oh, yeah. 505 00:24:51,523 --> 00:24:52,883 Cordi Roy, that's great. 506 00:24:52,883 --> 00:24:54,523 Yeah. It's a beautiful name. 507 00:24:54,523 --> 00:24:56,843 OK, we're gonna need to settle on an answer. 508 00:24:56,843 --> 00:24:59,003 I don't think anyone is gonna come up with... 509 00:24:59,003 --> 00:25:01,523 I don't think, with respect, he's not gonna come up with anything 510 00:25:01,523 --> 00:25:02,683 as brilliant as Cordi Roy. 511 00:25:02,683 --> 00:25:03,963 That's clearly the best. 512 00:25:03,963 --> 00:25:05,083 Let's see. 513 00:25:05,083 --> 00:25:06,763 Is it as good as Cordi Roy? 514 00:25:06,763 --> 00:25:08,523 James, good luck on your drag career. 515 00:25:08,523 --> 00:25:11,723 I think your name should be Anna Notherthing. 516 00:25:11,723 --> 00:25:13,203 And another thing. 517 00:25:14,283 --> 00:25:15,563 Anna Notherthing. 518 00:25:15,563 --> 00:25:17,403 That's actually not a bad name. 519 00:25:17,403 --> 00:25:19,123 Do you want to give them a bonus point for Cordi Roy? 520 00:25:19,123 --> 00:25:20,803 Yeah, yeah, bonus point, sugar. 521 00:25:20,803 --> 00:25:23,523 Oh, thanks. Thanks, Cordi. 522 00:25:23,523 --> 00:25:25,603 Right, one final celebrity. 523 00:25:25,603 --> 00:25:29,883 Um, the good reverend. 524 00:25:29,883 --> 00:25:30,963 - The good reverend. - Oh, yeah. 525 00:25:30,963 --> 00:25:31,963 - The good reverend. - Bottley. 526 00:25:31,963 --> 00:25:32,963 Kate Bottley. 527 00:25:32,963 --> 00:25:36,243 You develop one of the following condiment-based medical conditions. 528 00:25:36,243 --> 00:25:37,643 Which do you choose? 529 00:25:37,643 --> 00:25:39,603 A, You cry ketchup. 530 00:25:39,603 --> 00:25:41,443 B, you sneeze mayo. 531 00:25:41,443 --> 00:25:43,283 Or, C, you piss peri-peri. 532 00:25:45,163 --> 00:25:47,603 This is good, cause I love a condiment. 533 00:25:47,603 --> 00:25:49,283 Oh, yeah? 534 00:25:49,283 --> 00:25:50,403 This is the dream. 535 00:25:50,403 --> 00:25:52,803 So you're seeing this as a positive, which one you'd... 536 00:25:52,803 --> 00:25:55,083 Listen, if life gives you lemons... 537 00:25:58,403 --> 00:26:00,563 - Peri-peri is obviously... - It'll burn. 538 00:26:00,563 --> 00:26:01,963 ..very appealing, but it will burn. 539 00:26:01,963 --> 00:26:05,803 OK. So, peeing, we've gotta do that every day. Nightmare. 540 00:26:05,803 --> 00:26:07,603 Sneeze - colds. 541 00:26:07,603 --> 00:26:12,443 Crying, if you just avoid things that upset you and toughen up... 542 00:26:12,443 --> 00:26:13,483 OK. 543 00:26:13,483 --> 00:26:16,723 ..then when that happens it just looks like a nosebleed. 544 00:26:16,723 --> 00:26:17,883 - Right. - Yes. 545 00:26:17,883 --> 00:26:19,683 So we could do cry ketchup, 546 00:26:19,683 --> 00:26:22,763 and then just sort of live a very sheltered life. 547 00:26:22,763 --> 00:26:26,203 Unless you're crying because you've run out of ketchup, which is great. 548 00:26:26,203 --> 00:26:27,683 - That's really handy. - That's perfect. 549 00:26:27,683 --> 00:26:29,563 - Watch a sad movie. - Yeah, watch a sad movie. 550 00:26:29,563 --> 00:26:31,083 Run out of ketchup, watch The Snowman. 551 00:26:31,083 --> 00:26:32,203 Yeah. That's it. 552 00:26:32,203 --> 00:26:34,643 I imagine if this happened to Phil it would not be a problem, 553 00:26:34,643 --> 00:26:38,283 because I think that Robo-Phil has never cried in his life. 554 00:26:38,283 --> 00:26:39,723 Complete robot. 555 00:26:39,723 --> 00:26:41,763 I can start. For ketchup, I'll start. 556 00:26:41,763 --> 00:26:43,243 I imagine you're a binge crier. 557 00:26:43,243 --> 00:26:45,843 Like, you don't do anything for ten years, and then two weeks straight. 558 00:26:45,843 --> 00:26:48,323 Well, this has got surprisingly personal very quickly. 559 00:26:50,883 --> 00:26:52,763 It's like you've not met me before, Phil. 560 00:26:55,243 --> 00:26:56,243 Right. 561 00:26:56,243 --> 00:26:58,243 Yeah, I think the ketchup is probably a good shout. 562 00:26:58,243 --> 00:26:59,403 Ketchup? 563 00:26:59,403 --> 00:27:00,643 Let's see. 564 00:27:01,843 --> 00:27:04,083 - I'd sneeze mayo. - Aargh! 565 00:27:04,083 --> 00:27:06,283 In fact, I think I once did. 566 00:27:06,283 --> 00:27:07,883 - That's gotta hurt. - She'd sneeze mayo. 567 00:27:07,883 --> 00:27:10,363 That is the end of the round. 568 00:27:14,483 --> 00:27:17,963 It's time now for our next round, which is Not For a Million Quid. 569 00:27:23,603 --> 00:27:26,123 In this round, we want to know how much you'd need to be paid 570 00:27:26,123 --> 00:27:28,123 to live through a hypothetical situation. 571 00:27:28,123 --> 00:27:30,203 The lowest bidder has to tell us how they'd do it. 572 00:27:30,203 --> 00:27:32,363 There's three points on offer if we think you'd pull it off. 573 00:27:32,363 --> 00:27:35,603 And if I don't believe your bid is genuine, I will disqualify you. 574 00:27:35,603 --> 00:27:39,283 The question is, how much to endure this for a year - 575 00:27:39,283 --> 00:27:43,203 every time you meet someone you must steal something from them. 576 00:27:44,243 --> 00:27:45,643 James, the rules. 577 00:27:45,643 --> 00:27:47,803 Every time you have an interaction with someone 578 00:27:47,803 --> 00:27:51,003 you must leave the conversation with one of their belongings. 579 00:27:51,003 --> 00:27:53,083 You can't just get them to give it to you. 580 00:27:53,083 --> 00:27:55,603 It has to be taken without them knowing. 581 00:27:55,603 --> 00:27:58,763 And we'll not accept stealing their time, heart or thunder, 582 00:27:58,763 --> 00:28:00,043 or anything like that. 583 00:28:00,043 --> 00:28:01,323 Possessions. 584 00:28:01,323 --> 00:28:02,923 In every interaction? 585 00:28:02,923 --> 00:28:06,283 Buying, like, a Tube ticket, I've got to somehow get something 586 00:28:06,283 --> 00:28:07,363 off the guy in the booth? 587 00:28:07,363 --> 00:28:08,363 Yeah. 588 00:28:08,363 --> 00:28:10,763 No, because no-one has bought a Tube ticket from a guy in a booth 589 00:28:10,763 --> 00:28:11,843 for ten years. 590 00:28:11,843 --> 00:28:13,323 OK. 591 00:28:13,323 --> 00:28:15,163 - Say you're in a swimming pool. - Yeah. 592 00:28:16,843 --> 00:28:18,403 So what am I stealing off those people? 593 00:28:18,403 --> 00:28:21,243 What would you suggest we steal off those people? 594 00:28:21,243 --> 00:28:23,083 - I've got to ask... - Crime. 595 00:28:23,083 --> 00:28:25,603 They're asking us to commit crime. 596 00:28:25,603 --> 00:28:28,483 I've got to ask, Roisin, how often are you interacting 597 00:28:28,483 --> 00:28:30,323 with other people in a swimming pool? 598 00:28:30,323 --> 00:28:32,643 You don't consider that an interaction? 599 00:28:32,643 --> 00:28:33,883 I can't swim, so I don't know. 600 00:28:33,883 --> 00:28:35,963 Have you had conversations in a swimming pool with strangers? 601 00:28:35,963 --> 00:28:39,523 Yes. A lady told me recently that I was doing very well for a beginner. 602 00:28:39,523 --> 00:28:41,483 I've been swimming a long time. 603 00:28:42,803 --> 00:28:44,843 OK, well, let's all do our bids. 604 00:28:48,843 --> 00:28:51,403 Roisin, would you say you've got more angry 605 00:28:51,403 --> 00:28:53,283 with each round of this show today? 606 00:28:53,283 --> 00:28:55,003 I haven't got more angry in general. 607 00:28:55,003 --> 00:28:56,923 - I've got angry at you. - Yeah. 608 00:28:56,923 --> 00:28:58,123 But not in general. 609 00:28:58,123 --> 00:29:00,203 What I like about this team is you've got Roisin, 610 00:29:00,203 --> 00:29:02,003 who's heavily emotionally involved in it. 611 00:29:02,003 --> 00:29:04,203 - Yeah. - And Phil, who can't feel emotion. 612 00:29:05,843 --> 00:29:07,443 We're the classic double act. 613 00:29:10,723 --> 00:29:13,643 Right, let's start with the emotionally alive Dara. 614 00:29:13,643 --> 00:29:15,323 OK. Er, 100 grand. 615 00:29:15,323 --> 00:29:16,443 - 100 grand? - Oh, my God. 616 00:29:16,443 --> 00:29:17,523 - 100 grand. - OK. 617 00:29:17,523 --> 00:29:18,803 Yeah, fair enough. 618 00:29:18,803 --> 00:29:19,923 Ninia? 619 00:29:20,803 --> 00:29:22,803 - Gazillion. - Gazillion. 620 00:29:22,803 --> 00:29:25,883 Gazillion, nuff nuff big money, pound sign, seven... 621 00:29:25,883 --> 00:29:27,043 I don't even know. 622 00:29:27,043 --> 00:29:28,843 The number seven and then a lot of zeroes. 623 00:29:28,843 --> 00:29:33,043 I wanted to say 'falillion', but that's not really a monetary... 624 00:29:33,043 --> 00:29:34,603 No, but I think you've made your point clear. 625 00:29:34,603 --> 00:29:36,643 - Yeah. - Gazillion, falillion, yeah. 626 00:29:36,643 --> 00:29:38,803 - Roisin is changing hers. - I changed it. 627 00:29:38,803 --> 00:29:40,123 - Just so you know, James. - Why? 628 00:29:40,123 --> 00:29:42,203 That is a dog's face, not what you think it is. 629 00:29:43,403 --> 00:29:46,443 Roisin, please, don't let yourself down again with the dog. 630 00:29:46,443 --> 00:29:48,403 - I haven't. - OK. 631 00:29:48,403 --> 00:29:50,003 One pound. 632 00:29:50,003 --> 00:29:52,603 One pound, because that way, if I fail, 633 00:29:52,603 --> 00:29:54,643 I won't feel like I've lost a lot of money. 634 00:29:54,643 --> 00:29:55,723 Oh. 635 00:29:55,723 --> 00:29:59,283 And I think this task is completely undoable. 636 00:29:59,283 --> 00:30:01,243 - Wow. - Thank you. 637 00:30:01,243 --> 00:30:02,643 That is incredible. 638 00:30:02,643 --> 00:30:03,843 That is one of the... 639 00:30:03,843 --> 00:30:06,363 While you think it's undoable, you do realise that by bidding 640 00:30:06,363 --> 00:30:09,803 the lowest out of everyone you're the one who's gonna have to do it? 641 00:30:09,803 --> 00:30:10,963 What? 642 00:30:12,363 --> 00:30:13,963 - No. I'm bidding. - That's how it works. 643 00:30:13,963 --> 00:30:15,483 Yeah, but the lowest, the person who... 644 00:30:15,483 --> 00:30:17,163 I haven't signed any contracts. This is a bid. 645 00:30:17,163 --> 00:30:18,443 It's a bid. It's just a bid. 646 00:30:18,443 --> 00:30:20,443 Yeah, but we're gonna make you act it out in a minute. 647 00:30:20,443 --> 00:30:22,283 OK, but my point... What? 648 00:30:23,283 --> 00:30:26,243 - No. If I also... - One pound. Phil Wang? 649 00:30:26,243 --> 00:30:29,683 Um, I went with £10,000,001, 650 00:30:29,683 --> 00:30:32,403 because I couldn't resist the symmetry. 651 00:30:33,883 --> 00:30:36,483 I love it. Robot love symmetry. 652 00:30:40,403 --> 00:30:42,723 I like it. I think that's good thinking. 653 00:30:42,723 --> 00:30:45,803 OK. James, that means it's Roisin that's the lowest bidder. 654 00:30:45,803 --> 00:30:47,723 - Roisin is the lowest bidder. - Do you believe she could do it? 655 00:30:47,723 --> 00:30:49,963 Well, Roisin doesn't seem to believe she could do it. 656 00:30:49,963 --> 00:30:51,803 I think Roisin could do it. 657 00:30:51,803 --> 00:30:53,763 But do I do it because I've got the lowest bid? 658 00:30:53,763 --> 00:30:55,603 - Surely the highest bid wins. - Well, no, because... 659 00:30:55,603 --> 00:30:57,803 No, we were very clear about the rules at the start of the show. 660 00:30:57,803 --> 00:31:02,123 Plus, you've done this show twice before, and the rules have always 661 00:31:02,123 --> 00:31:04,763 been the same for this round, and once you actually 662 00:31:04,763 --> 00:31:06,323 were the lowest and had to do it. 663 00:31:06,323 --> 00:31:07,843 Remember the Howard from Halifax one? 664 00:31:07,843 --> 00:31:10,123 - Yeah. - Yeah, yeah, you did it before. 665 00:31:11,203 --> 00:31:12,723 Look, we're gonna get the set out here. 666 00:31:12,723 --> 00:31:14,923 I'm gonna set my own living room up and see if you can steal from me. 667 00:31:14,923 --> 00:31:16,643 - OK, OK. - CLIFF! 668 00:31:17,843 --> 00:31:19,043 Cliff! 669 00:31:19,043 --> 00:31:22,443 # His name is Cliff, he works in props 670 00:31:22,443 --> 00:31:25,243 # He sets them up, and could do better. # 671 00:31:26,243 --> 00:31:27,723 This is my living room. 672 00:31:27,723 --> 00:31:30,563 I'm just hanging out in my living room. 673 00:31:30,563 --> 00:31:33,603 It's very sparse these days, 'cause in the space of a week 674 00:31:33,603 --> 00:31:37,443 I've had five burglaries, and I feel very sad. 675 00:31:37,443 --> 00:31:39,283 These are all the possessions I've got left. 676 00:31:39,283 --> 00:31:42,443 There's my giant ice-cream, 677 00:31:42,443 --> 00:31:45,843 my Corduroy Wearer of the Year trophy, 678 00:31:45,843 --> 00:31:50,443 and of course here with my fish, er, Dara. 679 00:31:51,763 --> 00:31:54,643 Ah, just hanging out. 680 00:31:54,643 --> 00:31:56,483 Maybe at some point someone will visit me. 681 00:31:57,683 --> 00:31:59,643 You're with me. You're with me. 682 00:31:59,643 --> 00:32:01,003 - I'm coming with you? - Yes. 683 00:32:01,003 --> 00:32:02,643 - Why? - I don't do it alone. 684 00:32:02,643 --> 00:32:05,283 - Does Phil...? - So is Ninia and Dara. 685 00:32:05,283 --> 00:32:06,843 We're all going in. 686 00:32:06,843 --> 00:32:07,883 The more people in there, 687 00:32:07,883 --> 00:32:09,443 the more people you're gonna have to steal off. 688 00:32:09,443 --> 00:32:11,523 Yeah, if you speak to Phil in it, you've got to nick off him. 689 00:32:11,523 --> 00:32:13,643 What? Well, presume I've already stole from him. 690 00:32:13,643 --> 00:32:15,203 - Oh, OK. Yeah. - I'll presume that. 691 00:32:15,203 --> 00:32:16,403 Hello, how are you doing? 692 00:32:16,403 --> 00:32:19,283 - Hello, Rois, good to see you, mate. - I've brought my friend Phil. 693 00:32:19,283 --> 00:32:20,323 - Hello. - Oh, hello. 694 00:32:20,323 --> 00:32:22,083 And a couple of others coming. Oh, hello. 695 00:32:22,083 --> 00:32:23,923 - Let's bring more people in. - I've been burgled. 696 00:32:23,923 --> 00:32:25,363 How are you doing? How are you doing? 697 00:32:25,363 --> 00:32:27,443 You've been burgled? What a nightmare. 698 00:32:27,443 --> 00:32:29,243 Hey, James, how are you? 699 00:32:29,243 --> 00:32:30,723 Are you feeding my fish for me? 700 00:32:30,723 --> 00:32:31,923 - Oh, hi. How are you? - Hello, Dara. 701 00:32:31,923 --> 00:32:34,083 Oh, it's just so nice that everyone has come to comfort me. 702 00:32:34,083 --> 00:32:35,723 Oh, I just dropped this. I just dropped this. 703 00:32:35,723 --> 00:32:38,083 - Hi. Hi, Cordi. - Hello, how are you? 704 00:32:38,083 --> 00:32:41,363 - So strange to not see you in drag. - Really nice to see you. 705 00:32:41,363 --> 00:32:43,083 You've got loads of things. 706 00:32:43,083 --> 00:32:44,523 Good to see you all. 707 00:32:44,523 --> 00:32:46,403 Ah, quick question. 708 00:32:46,403 --> 00:32:48,603 Um, Phil, stop! 709 00:32:50,763 --> 00:32:52,683 Roisin, I notice you brought this young man round. 710 00:32:52,683 --> 00:32:53,803 I hate to say this. 711 00:32:53,803 --> 00:32:55,563 He's stolen my Corduroy Wearer of the Year 712 00:32:55,563 --> 00:32:56,843 and he's wearing no corduroy. 713 00:32:56,843 --> 00:32:59,443 James, that is just so rude. He's just literally looking at it. 714 00:32:59,443 --> 00:33:00,963 You can't just accuse people of stealing. 715 00:33:00,963 --> 00:33:04,403 - Are you just looking at it? - Roisin said she'd split the pound. 716 00:33:06,243 --> 00:33:08,523 So anyway, we'll probably just do... 717 00:33:08,523 --> 00:33:10,883 Yeah, I'm...yeah, I'm out of here. 718 00:33:10,883 --> 00:33:12,323 I can't be around for that kind of thing. 719 00:33:12,323 --> 00:33:13,763 Yeah. 720 00:33:13,763 --> 00:33:15,443 - See you, Dara. - Yeah, lovely to see you. 721 00:33:15,443 --> 00:33:16,963 - Thanks for coming over. - No problem at all. 722 00:33:16,963 --> 00:33:19,403 Oh, I just need to say goodbye to them, actually. 723 00:33:19,403 --> 00:33:21,323 - Bye, James. - It's nice to see you. 724 00:33:21,323 --> 00:33:22,643 It's nice to see you. 725 00:33:25,243 --> 00:33:26,323 I took one of your cards. 726 00:33:26,323 --> 00:33:28,203 - Do you need your cards? - Huh? 727 00:33:28,203 --> 00:33:30,843 You took my... So, of all the things you... Just to recap. 728 00:33:30,843 --> 00:33:33,483 Of all the things you could have nicked, you nicked my cards 729 00:33:33,483 --> 00:33:35,763 that has questions to ask you if it comes down to it. 730 00:33:35,763 --> 00:33:37,123 Yeah. 731 00:33:37,123 --> 00:33:38,963 I knew you weren't gonna keep your eye on that. 732 00:33:38,963 --> 00:33:41,323 To be fair, I didn't notice that one. 733 00:33:42,363 --> 00:33:44,203 I didn't notice it. 734 00:33:44,683 --> 00:33:46,083 Do you know what? 735 00:33:46,083 --> 00:33:49,003 I've got to give you credit where it's due there. 736 00:33:49,003 --> 00:33:51,643 I was looking so much at everything else 737 00:33:51,643 --> 00:33:53,403 that I didn't notice that was stolen. 738 00:33:53,403 --> 00:33:55,403 - Yes. - Until you told me it was stolen. 739 00:33:59,203 --> 00:34:01,523 James, could she do it? 740 00:34:01,523 --> 00:34:03,323 Well, you wanted to overwhelm me. 741 00:34:03,323 --> 00:34:05,003 You absolutely did that. 742 00:34:05,003 --> 00:34:08,443 I've got to say you'd get that pound at the end of the year. 743 00:34:08,443 --> 00:34:09,963 Three points to Roisin Conaty. 744 00:34:09,963 --> 00:34:11,443 Three points. 745 00:34:11,443 --> 00:34:13,083 I'll clap myself. 746 00:34:14,163 --> 00:34:16,003 It's time for On The Spot. 747 00:34:21,243 --> 00:34:24,643 OK, in this round we're gonna deliver a series of rapid fire 748 00:34:24,643 --> 00:34:27,083 hypotheticals, which we want our panellists to solve 749 00:34:27,083 --> 00:34:28,683 as quickly as possible. 750 00:34:28,683 --> 00:34:31,843 Life is a marathon, not a sprint, except this round, 751 00:34:31,843 --> 00:34:36,323 which is a sprint, but also, if it goes badly, a marathon. 752 00:34:36,323 --> 00:34:39,523 I will read out the hypothetical and then James will say the name 753 00:34:39,523 --> 00:34:42,123 of the person who he wants to answer it. 754 00:34:42,123 --> 00:34:44,923 If we're not buying your answer we will hit our buttons to stop 755 00:34:44,923 --> 00:34:47,763 the clock and ask what the hell you are on about. 756 00:34:47,763 --> 00:34:49,843 The best player wins the round. 757 00:34:49,843 --> 00:34:51,843 OK, here we go. 758 00:34:54,043 --> 00:34:55,923 A giant moth is attacking London. 759 00:34:55,923 --> 00:34:58,843 Godzilla is away on business so it's up to you to save the day. 760 00:34:58,843 --> 00:35:00,403 - How do you do it? - Ninia. 761 00:35:00,403 --> 00:35:05,203 I'd get a plane that has got big wings and fly it over the sun 762 00:35:05,203 --> 00:35:08,883 and make the moth go, "Oh no, there's no sun," and die. 763 00:35:10,163 --> 00:35:11,683 Very good. 764 00:35:11,683 --> 00:35:14,603 We've already got apples and pears/stairs, boatrace/face. 765 00:35:14,603 --> 00:35:17,203 You must come up with a brand-new piece of Cockney rhyming slang. 766 00:35:17,203 --> 00:35:18,443 Roisin. 767 00:35:18,443 --> 00:35:21,603 Er, chimney and cheese/disease. 768 00:35:23,563 --> 00:35:24,763 Yeah. 769 00:35:28,243 --> 00:35:30,083 Little bit of the old chimney and cheese. 770 00:35:30,083 --> 00:35:31,683 Rest in peace. 771 00:35:32,603 --> 00:35:34,443 You're in the office of Jonathan Warburton. 772 00:35:34,443 --> 00:35:37,243 Convince him to release a line of crumpets in the shape of your head. 773 00:35:37,243 --> 00:35:38,403 Ninia. 774 00:35:38,403 --> 00:35:42,283 Oh, man, you want the crumpets big and juicy and crunchy, 775 00:35:42,283 --> 00:35:44,283 and my head is big and juicy and crunchy. 776 00:35:44,283 --> 00:35:45,723 Please, Jonathan Warburton, 777 00:35:45,723 --> 00:35:49,003 I will touch your chest with a croissant. 778 00:35:50,403 --> 00:35:52,283 You've been sent back in time to the '90s. 779 00:35:52,283 --> 00:35:54,243 Convince the Blue Man Group to pick another colour. 780 00:35:54,243 --> 00:35:55,323 Dara. 781 00:35:55,323 --> 00:35:57,603 A wall, wall, painted like bricks and walls, 782 00:35:57,603 --> 00:35:59,283 they stand next to it and disappear. 783 00:35:59,283 --> 00:36:00,883 - What a trick. - Oh, that's good. 784 00:36:00,883 --> 00:36:03,443 Reggae Reggae Sauce has ruled the roost for too long. 785 00:36:03,443 --> 00:36:05,763 Give us another musical genre-inspired condiment. 786 00:36:05,763 --> 00:36:06,763 Roisin. 787 00:36:06,763 --> 00:36:09,643 Er, punk, er, peeeeeas. 788 00:36:18,363 --> 00:36:20,803 Can you just say that again, how you said it? 789 00:36:21,683 --> 00:36:24,723 Oh, oh, I'm gonna re-watch that so many times. 790 00:36:27,923 --> 00:36:29,963 I'm gonna have it on a loop on my phone. 791 00:36:29,963 --> 00:36:32,603 I'm gonna show it to people for months. 792 00:36:32,603 --> 00:36:35,683 "Punk peeeeeas." 793 00:36:35,683 --> 00:36:38,403 Yoga practitioners are getting tired of the downward dog. 794 00:36:38,403 --> 00:36:40,443 You must come up with a name for the next global 795 00:36:40,443 --> 00:36:41,443 hit yoga position. 796 00:36:41,443 --> 00:36:44,563 - Phil. - Upwards accountant. 797 00:36:47,123 --> 00:36:48,883 Can we see what that looks like, please, Phil, 798 00:36:48,883 --> 00:36:50,563 the upwards accountant? 799 00:36:50,563 --> 00:36:52,243 You can expense that. 800 00:36:59,203 --> 00:37:00,203 Lovely. 801 00:37:00,203 --> 00:37:02,243 The RSPB are looking to rebrand birds. 802 00:37:02,243 --> 00:37:04,643 They've asked you to pitch a more accurate name for seagulls. 803 00:37:04,643 --> 00:37:05,803 Ninia. 804 00:37:05,803 --> 00:37:07,603 Shit on your fucking chips. 805 00:37:08,923 --> 00:37:11,163 Can you say that? 806 00:37:11,363 --> 00:37:13,443 - Can you say that? - Yeah. 807 00:37:13,443 --> 00:37:16,163 Well, you've said it, mate. 808 00:37:16,163 --> 00:37:18,563 People are sick of commuting, so National Rail have asked you 809 00:37:18,563 --> 00:37:21,123 to come up with an exciting new public transport method 810 00:37:21,123 --> 00:37:22,243 to replace trains. 811 00:37:22,243 --> 00:37:23,243 Phil. 812 00:37:23,243 --> 00:37:25,443 Slip and slide, all the way. 813 00:37:26,843 --> 00:37:29,563 You have ten minutes to sell every item in Kettering Argos. 814 00:37:29,563 --> 00:37:30,843 Dara. 815 00:37:30,843 --> 00:37:33,403 Give us a quid, I'll give you the lot. 816 00:37:37,363 --> 00:37:39,243 You've accidentally posted a picture of your bum 817 00:37:39,243 --> 00:37:40,363 on your family WhatsApp group. 818 00:37:40,363 --> 00:37:41,523 What's your explanation? 819 00:37:41,523 --> 00:37:42,523 Roisin. 820 00:37:42,523 --> 00:37:44,123 Um, that's not my bum. 821 00:37:44,123 --> 00:37:45,563 Who sent this? 822 00:37:48,163 --> 00:37:49,523 It's time to cut down food waste. 823 00:37:49,523 --> 00:37:51,723 Come up with a way to use all those sealed pistachio nuts 824 00:37:51,723 --> 00:37:52,843 you can't get open. 825 00:37:52,843 --> 00:37:54,803 - Phil. - Maracas, baby! 826 00:37:56,403 --> 00:37:57,963 Pistachio maracas. 827 00:37:57,963 --> 00:38:00,643 Your phone rings. It's a friend you really want to speak to. 828 00:38:00,643 --> 00:38:02,203 - What do you do? - Roisin? 829 00:38:02,203 --> 00:38:03,763 - Answer it? - Correct. 830 00:38:03,763 --> 00:38:06,763 There's an easy one in every episode. 831 00:38:06,763 --> 00:38:09,243 We can all agree we get too many texts, letters 832 00:38:09,243 --> 00:38:10,483 and messenger pigeons. 833 00:38:10,483 --> 00:38:13,003 You must invent an exciting new way to contact someone. 834 00:38:13,003 --> 00:38:14,083 Ninia. 835 00:38:14,083 --> 00:38:16,403 Through the medium of fart smells. 836 00:38:17,403 --> 00:38:19,243 - Fart smells? - Yeah. 837 00:38:19,243 --> 00:38:20,283 Yeah. 838 00:38:20,283 --> 00:38:22,043 You must circumnavigate the Earth... 839 00:38:22,043 --> 00:38:24,323 - (HORN BLOWS) - Oh. We'll never know. 840 00:38:24,323 --> 00:38:27,283 So, James, after all that, who's getting the points? 841 00:38:27,283 --> 00:38:30,843 Gotta say, it's a tough one, but just because I'd love to see 842 00:38:30,843 --> 00:38:34,203 everyone referring to seagulls as "shit on my fucking chips", 843 00:38:34,203 --> 00:38:35,563 I've got to give the point... 844 00:38:35,563 --> 00:38:37,483 Ninia is the star player in that one. 845 00:38:39,843 --> 00:38:44,123 And after all that, how many points does Ninia get? 846 00:38:44,123 --> 00:38:45,603 Ninia gets one point. 847 00:38:45,603 --> 00:38:47,203 - One point! - Is that it? 848 00:38:50,043 --> 00:38:52,883 It's time for our final round, the one that decides it all. 849 00:38:52,883 --> 00:38:55,243 We're heading back to the Wall of Celebrities 850 00:38:55,243 --> 00:38:57,723 to ask the biggest question in showbiz. 851 00:38:57,723 --> 00:39:00,523 What happened to Barry Scott from the Cillit Bang adverts? 852 00:39:00,523 --> 00:39:01,883 No. 853 00:39:01,883 --> 00:39:03,883 It's Big Hat or Small Hat. 854 00:39:09,883 --> 00:39:13,403 We asked our six celebs one final, all-important question - 855 00:39:13,403 --> 00:39:16,043 big hat or small hat? 856 00:39:16,043 --> 00:39:17,683 James, the rules. 857 00:39:17,683 --> 00:39:19,203 We told the celebrities 858 00:39:19,203 --> 00:39:21,283 you have to wear the hat for the rest of your life, 859 00:39:21,283 --> 00:39:24,163 you can't wear a medium-size hat over the small hat, 860 00:39:24,163 --> 00:39:25,803 and these are the hats. 861 00:39:26,683 --> 00:39:29,323 All you have to do is tell us which hat the celebrity chose. 862 00:39:29,323 --> 00:39:31,683 James, before this question, what are the scores? 863 00:39:32,323 --> 00:39:35,323 Well, Philroisious has seven points, 864 00:39:35,323 --> 00:39:40,163 while Da-ra-ra-nin-t-a are in the lead with nine points. 865 00:39:40,163 --> 00:39:42,563 Who is this question for and how many points is it worth? 866 00:39:42,563 --> 00:39:46,683 It's for Philroisious, and it's worth three points. 867 00:39:46,683 --> 00:39:47,883 Ooh. 868 00:39:47,883 --> 00:39:49,723 So, Philroisious, it all comes down to this. 869 00:39:49,723 --> 00:39:51,923 Let's have the dramatic lighting change. 870 00:39:53,963 --> 00:39:58,923 Which celebrity would you like to choose to play Big Hat Small Hat? 871 00:39:58,923 --> 00:40:02,803 I feel like you want someone with a big personality. 872 00:40:02,803 --> 00:40:04,563 The good Reverend Bottley, please. 873 00:40:04,563 --> 00:40:05,763 The good Reverend Bottley. 874 00:40:05,763 --> 00:40:08,323 And do you feel she went big hat or small hat? 875 00:40:08,323 --> 00:40:09,923 I'm actually feeling small hat. 876 00:40:09,923 --> 00:40:11,723 - I'm feeling small hat. - Are you feeling small...? Yeah. 877 00:40:11,723 --> 00:40:13,163 Why? 878 00:40:13,163 --> 00:40:16,923 Genuinely because I think she'd look quite good in a small hat. 879 00:40:16,923 --> 00:40:19,403 She's got a bit of a cabaret vibe about her, that's very cabaret, 880 00:40:19,403 --> 00:40:20,763 kind of, have the little hat there. 881 00:40:20,763 --> 00:40:21,763 Yeah. 882 00:40:21,763 --> 00:40:25,523 Um, it's like a nice contrast to the dog collar, 883 00:40:25,523 --> 00:40:27,923 small white bit, small black bit. 884 00:40:27,923 --> 00:40:29,003 It's nice. 885 00:40:29,003 --> 00:40:31,643 And a lot of her work is just face-on, 886 00:40:31,643 --> 00:40:35,403 and so she could just put the hat sort of on the back of her head. 887 00:40:35,403 --> 00:40:36,443 Yeah. 888 00:40:36,443 --> 00:40:37,883 For the days when it's inappropriate. 889 00:40:37,883 --> 00:40:38,883 - Yeah. - Yeah. 890 00:40:38,883 --> 00:40:40,763 A funeral or whatever. She's just facing on. 891 00:40:42,083 --> 00:40:43,403 A funeral. 892 00:40:43,403 --> 00:40:46,563 It's only the altar boys who get to see the hat. 893 00:40:46,563 --> 00:40:48,483 It's also less rude to wear in church. 894 00:40:48,483 --> 00:40:49,643 Yes. 895 00:40:49,643 --> 00:40:50,883 What are you thinking, guys? 896 00:40:50,883 --> 00:40:55,083 I think her picking the big hat, you know, while going, 897 00:40:55,083 --> 00:40:57,163 "I'm so dreadfully sorry about your grandfather". 898 00:41:00,323 --> 00:41:03,203 Can you just try that, show us how that would look, James? 899 00:41:04,723 --> 00:41:05,763 Wow. 900 00:41:05,763 --> 00:41:11,643 But she's quite...she's quite, like, a funky, trendy, up for it... 901 00:41:11,643 --> 00:41:16,523 And nothing says funky, trendy, up for it, than a massive top hat. 902 00:41:16,523 --> 00:41:19,083 OK, so you're gonna go with the small hat? 903 00:41:19,083 --> 00:41:20,563 - Small hat? - I think small hat. 904 00:41:20,563 --> 00:41:22,723 - I think small hat. - After all you've been through. 905 00:41:22,723 --> 00:41:26,283 It's been a long journey, and it's been a beautiful... 906 00:41:26,283 --> 00:41:27,483 It's been ferocious. 907 00:41:27,483 --> 00:41:29,763 - It's been Philroisious as well. - Been Philroisious. 908 00:41:29,763 --> 00:41:31,803 Let's see if it ends in victory. 909 00:41:33,483 --> 00:41:35,763 Ooh. 910 00:41:35,763 --> 00:41:37,963 - Big hat! - Oh! 911 00:41:37,963 --> 00:41:40,363 - Oh, God. - Unbelievable. 912 00:41:40,363 --> 00:41:41,483 James? 913 00:41:41,483 --> 00:41:43,683 That means that Philroisious has seven points, 914 00:41:43,683 --> 00:41:47,963 while Da-ra-ra-nin-t-a are the winners with nine points. 915 00:41:49,363 --> 00:41:53,283 Congratulations to Da-ra-ra-nin-t-a. 916 00:41:53,283 --> 00:41:56,163 You've proved your worth in a non-existent hypothetical universe. 917 00:41:56,163 --> 00:41:58,923 You are this week's winners. James, what have they won? 918 00:41:58,923 --> 00:42:01,243 As I said before, the hypothetical prizes are 919 00:42:01,243 --> 00:42:04,483 a selection of waterproof spoons, 80 cubic metres of brie, 920 00:42:04,483 --> 00:42:07,683 three big bollards, and a kiss on the lips from your favourite chef. 921 00:42:07,683 --> 00:42:09,483 But those were just hypothetical prizes. 922 00:42:09,483 --> 00:42:12,363 You've actually won a massive jar of punk peeeeeas. 923 00:42:16,763 --> 00:42:20,843 Thanks to our guests, Dara O Briain, Ninia Benjamin, 924 00:42:20,843 --> 00:42:24,323 Phil Wang, Roisin Conaty. 925 00:42:24,323 --> 00:42:28,203 Extra special thanks to my co-host and points enthusiast James Acaster. 926 00:42:28,203 --> 00:42:29,603 Goodnight.