Hello, and welcome to Hypothetical,
the show that pits my favourite comedians
against a variety of tricksy hypothetical scenarios.
Let's meet today's guests.
On my right it's Dara O Briain and Ninia Benjamin.
And up against them it's Phil Wang and Roisin Conaty.
But now it's time to introduce
my co-host and arbiter of hypotheticals,
a man who recently played a singing mouse
in the Hollywood adaptation of Cinderella,
so we do need to wrap this up by midnight.
It's James Acaster!
There you go, Cinderella.
Yeah, I was in Cinderella as a talking mouse.
So what? Big deal.
Now, before we start, we need some team names.
Dara and Ninia, what have you come up with?
Our team name is DA R R NIN TA.
- DA R R... - NIN TA.
As in Da-ra-ra-nin-t-a.
- Yeah. - That's us. Yes.
# Da-ra-ra-nin-t-a. #
- So do I have to sing it every time? - Yes.
- That'd be lovely. - Why did I say that?
Yeah.
We never insisted that, but now we really want that.
Oh, they've just said I can't.
Right, now.
No, they didn't. I didn't hear anything.
Phil and Roisin, what have you gone for?
Well, we really put our heads together,
and I came up with...
..Philroisious.
I like that. Philroisious.
Can you sing that for us? I'm not familiar with that one.
Can't afford the rights.
Right, we've met our teams.
Let's find out what they're playing for tonight. James?
This week's hypothetical prizes are
a selection of waterproof spoons,
eight cubic metres of brie, three big bollards
and a kiss on the lips from your favourite chef.
Our first round is What Would You Do?
James, how many points are up for grabs?
I'll be awarding up to five points depending on how they deal
with the scenario, from one, things aren't working out,
up to five, things are working out and they've got a sixpack, baby.
The first question is a head to head.
Winning team gets the points.
Dara, you'll be representing
# Da-ra-ra-nin-t-a #
and Roisin, you're playing for Philroisious.
Here is your hypothetical.
Kids are always going wild for the latest craze -
Pokemon cards, fidget spinners, meow-meow.
You must come up with this year's next big fad for children.
James, the rules.
Your toy must appeal to children across the world.
Only one craze can win, and the winner will be the fad that
most impresses my famously hard to please eight-year-old nephew
Stanley.
Roisin, what were the big crazes when you were at school?
I liked fancy paper as a child.
Fancy paper?
You heard. Fancy paper.
What, like colourful paper, or just really high GSM?
It could be, it's quite, it could be like just paper
that was...and I'd only need a sheet from each one,
like if it had a pattern on it, or a hotel name, or...
- So it hadn't been used yet? - Oh, totally unused.
You couldn't just have scraps of people's shopping lists.
Um, so are you going to incorporate that?
Is that a jumping off point for your...?
- No. - No.
My idea is, so we know the robots are coming,
and we know how good they are.
So we know how good robots are.
You've seen all those robots that are, like, mad.
So you get one, you get one, but it's a...and then you make it,
you know, as close to a real dog as possible.
- Right. - So a robot dog?
A robot dog. And then... But this is the big bit.
So you get it.
It's like three months, four months, puppy, so they've got the puppy,
and it's got all the programming of a puppy.
Then, at six months you can reprogram it and also take it
apart and extend it, so it gets bigger.
You know, it's like a lockdown-proof dog, as well.
You don't have to feel guilty about not taking it out for exercise.
That's it.
It's happy just sitting there charging.
Dara, have you got any thoughts on what would compete?
Well, not specifically compete with that.
So, a range of breakable toys.
Not really toys, but a breakable.
Like a walnut. A walnut.
This is great.
It's a walnut that you have to break the thing that's outside out
of the walnut, and you've got to find a way to either smash
the walnut, smash it against something, and then
when you open the walnut up, inside the walnut there is a
model of one of the cast members of EastEnders.
I don't know.
And you have to collect them all.
So it's like a kind of savoury Kinder Egg?
Yes, if the toy was Danny Dyer.
Yeah, but what Dara didn't tell you lot, that I think
that he was gonna say, was that the shell is also
a jigsaw puzzle.
So these children are getting a whole heap of toys for a little
bit of money.
- Innit, Dara? - No.
Just the design problems with that are hideous.
- If they smash open the walnut. - Exactly.
And then they got the EastEnders figure, and then they have to put
the walnut back together to make another little walnut.
- Exactly. - And what are we calling this?
Er, Smash It And Go.
Yeah.
So EastEnders doesn't appear at all in the name of the toy?
The kids go, "Smash it, cool.
"Who is that?"
Right, James, what do you think your nephew Stanley...
- Yeah. - ..would make of these?
Hard to tell, really.
Me and Stanley aren't really on the same page.
- He hates my comedy, for example. - Yeah.
- Loves you. Huge fan of you. - Yeah.
I can't really predict what Stanley would say.
I think it's best just to get him in here
and have them pitch it to Stanley.
- Yeah, that's good. - Yeah.
CLIFF!
Bring out Stanley's bedroom right now!
# His name is Cliff, he works in props
# He sets them up, and could do better. #
So, who's gonna play Stanley?
Oh, I'll go and get Stanley right now.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll get my little cousin,
my little nephew Stanley.
Little nephew Stanley.
I keep on saying little cousin Stanley, cause I'm thinking
about little cousin Scampi.
Stanley, who would you... whose toy would you...?
Oh, my God, it's Josh Widdicombe! My favourite comedian!
I would like to see Roisin first, please, Josh.
What do you need from me, child?
Right, next.
- I'm so maternal. - This lady is scary.
I love toys.
You got a new toy idea?
Oh, I do have a new toy idea.
I didn't realise you were judging my toy.
Hello!
What did you think this was?
Babysitting role play?
Won't be the first time.
OK, so... (LAUGHS)
Whoa.
That is some fancy paper.
Do you like dogs, kid?
- Yeah, I love little doggies. - You love dogs.
Do you like big dogs or small dogs?
Small dogs, and I like it when they get big!
OK.
So what I want to draw for you is a cute...
(LAUGHS)
Mum! There's a stranger in my room!
They're just the ears, they're just the ears.
What are you drawing?
This is a doggy.
But it also looks a bit like a mouse that James played in Cinderella.
Ah! Cinderella was shit.
My uncle James is so bad.
He's not funny, and he is absolutely stealing a living.
This is a lovely doggy.
He'll lick you.
What?
Kisses. It'll give you kisses.
Mum!
He's a nice dog and he comes a little bit smaller than this
to start, and then, you want him to get big?
How many times have I gotta call my mother during this?
Roisin!
I can't stop sounding like a paedophile!
OK, so that's how he starts.
This is how the doggy starts.
Yes?
And then, you become friends with him, you take him for walks.
Yes?
And then one night you go to bed, you have a sleep in your bed,
and then you wake up.
Uh-oh, where's this going?
And then you wake up and you've got...
You've got...
You've got... (LAUGHS)
You've got a big, grown-up dog.
Thank you. Well, listen, I'm gonna have a different pitch
from a different person now.
Thank you.
And, I wouldn't normally say this before someone goes,
but this next person has an open goal on their hands.
Get out of my room!
Oh, God.
That was so funny.
- Hey, Stanley! - Hello.
- How are you? - Yeah, I'm good. Hello.
Do you want me to get rid of the scary dog?
Yes. A paedophile drew it.
- Not nice, is it? - No.
Can I borrow your cushion?
Yes.
If you go for my idea, I'll just give you a puppy.
- Is that better? - Yeah, that's way better.
- I love puppies. - Yeah, they're great, aren't they?
The only thing I love more than puppies is walnuts and EastEnders.
Oh!
Imagine there's a walnut, right?
- Oh. - Yeah.
- I love it. - It's amazing, isn't it?
Look at that lovely walnut.
Do you ever wonder what's inside the walnut, though?
Oh, I wonder every day.
Oh!
But how would you get into the walnut?
I don't know. You tell me.
Oh, there are so many ways!
There are so many ways to get into it.
- I don't know. I'm just eight. - You could drop it on the ground.
Drop it on the ground.
Or you could... Oh, hang on, look.
Oh, you could... smash it with a hammer!
Smash it with a hammer!
But that's not the end.
- That's not the end? - No.
Imagine if inside the walnut...
Keep on talking.
Oh!
Danny. Oh, please let the next word be "Dyer"!
- It is Dyer! Danny Dyer! - Whoa!
I love it.
Is my propellor spinning?
- Be honest. - Oh!
- (PHONE RINGS) - Oh, sorry. Sorry, Dara.
Hello, Stanley's bedroom?
Hello, it's Josh Widdicombe.
WHAT?!
Josh Widdicombe, you are so funny.
OK, so, which toy are you gonna go for as the winner?
Well, obviously I'm gonna go for the Smash And Go.
Full five points for Dara.
I love you, Josh Widdicombe! I love you!
It's time for James's Wishlist.
JAMES: # James's Wishlist, wish upon a star! #
In this round we're gonna be picking something from James's
ever-expanding list of dreams, and our panellists are gonna tell us
how they'd make it happen.
Whoever gives the best answer is gonna get up to five points.
So tell us, what is on your wishlist this week, James?
Well, Josh, it's a simple wish, one I've had ever since
I was a young lad.
I want Fiona Bruce to appear on television wearing a T-shirt
with my face on it, and I want Phil and Ninia to sort it out for me.
Of course you do. And what are the rules?
Fiona must wear it on Question Time, that's my only rule.
'Cause I hate Antiques Roadshow!
There you go. Right. Phil?
OK, so Question Time is a topical news program,
in case you haven't heard, and we need to get...
In order to get James's T-shirt onto it,
James, or the T-shirt, needs to be a news story.
Ah.
It needs to be one of the questions.
It's like, "Has James Acaster merchandise gone too far?"?
What, and then Fiona Bruce is gonna say, "Yes, it has."
Yeah, you know how she is on that show.
She's a sort of like fun-loving, jokey character.
This would fit in perfectly to that persona.
What about if the merch, the reason why she wears it
is because the merch is causing people to get scabies,
or another thing.
- Hmm. - Fair enough.
I mean, what I love about this...
I'm gonna say now that after this record
I'm gonna go to the producers, I'm gonna say
every episode I would like Phil and Roisin on it as a team,
and I always want to put the question to Phil,
have Phil lay out a foolproof, just watertight solution,
and then throw to Roisin and see how she fucks it up.
His is super-clean.
Roisin - everyone's got scabies!
Right. Ninia?
What James doesn't know was in 1976 there was a question with why is it
that the presenters and the people that they have on there never look
more casual and in touch with the people?
Can one day BBC Question Time -
I'm reading it in the voice of the person who's written in the letter -
can BBC Question Time please, at least once,
have the people on Question Time wearing casual clothes?
Yeah.
However, you want her to have your face on.
Yes, please.
What you don't know is that Fiona Bruce is such a fan
of the Kickers-corduroy jacket combo
that you are actually one of her favourite people.
So when Mr BBC, or Miss BBC, said, "Can we have people in T-shirts?"
she went, "Oh, my days!"
Because me and Fiona are tight and she talks like that,
but she just can't do it on TV.
"Oh, my days!
"I'm gonna wear the James Acaster T-shirt."
Bob's your uncle, Fanny happens to be your aunt,
Fiona Bruce is wearing your T-shirt.
Thank you very much.
Thank you, thank you.
Well, I'd buy that.
- What? - Yeah.
Why? What's there to buy?
Well, that seems like Ninia can definitely make that happen.
Maybe I don't buy it, but it's a complete plan.
What is your problem with this, Phil?
My problem with it, my problem with it was I have a plan
of action, and Ninia...
..Ninia's idea is predicated on an unestablished assumption...
Mm.
..that Fiona Bruce is a huge James Acaster fan...
Oh, no, but she...
..and is really into Kickers and a corduroy jacket.
What she really wants to wear is a cheap white T-shirt
with James's face on it.
No.
She doesn't want to wear a cheap one.
This is like a proper Fruit of the Loom one, not...
No way.
- To speak for Phil, if I may. - Yeah.
Please.
I think ours is more like a sort of...it's a dark campaign,
and so it's gonna be, we're gonna start a rumour...
Conspiracy theories are so easy to start right now.
Yeah. It's QAnon with James Acaster, and we'll think of a rumour...
Yeah.
..and put it in the right spaces where those sort of people read it.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
And then Fiona will... and then it will get to a point
where everyone is like, "This has actually gone out of control.
"This is crazy," and then Fiona, and all of them...
To show the nation that it's safe to wear James Acaster T-shirts.
- Oh. - After the scabies rumour...
- It'll become like a BBC thing. - ..that Roisin started.
Yes.
So it's a BBC thing that they're, like, to sort out the rumours
about the James Acaster T-shirts...
- Yes. - What?
..we are all, across the channel, including Fiona Bruce...
And all the political broadcasters from different parties
are wearing it to prove that...
Yeah, to prove it's safe.
..this isn't a thing that is causing behavioural changes.
- You won't get scabies. - I think that's a great idea.
I genuinely want to see that episode of Question Time.
- Can we make that happen? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Have you got a set? - Yeah, they're right there.
Oh, yeah.
Here's what I want you to do, Phil Wang,
in this episode of Question Time,
you're gonna be in the audience, asking questions,
and I want you to go so off the deep end on this conspiracy theory that
Fiona Bruce feels morally obliged to put on a T-shirt of me
in order to prove that you're full of shit.
So I'm just gonna become Bruce now, real quick.
Do you know what? That's a really good Fiona Bruce wig.
Hello, and welcome to Question Time,
which this week comes from Kettering Athletics Club.
I'm joined by Laura Kuenssberg, Lizo from Newsround
and, for balance, Benito Mussolini.
Right...
First question, please, from the audience.
First question, please.
Yes, yes, the bespectacled fellow, please stand up.
Yeah.
Can the panel explain to me
why we still allow kids, young people in this country,
which I love, by the way -
the country, not the kids...
Some of the kids?
Some of the kids, but the ones that are...
Why...?
Benito will back me up on this - why are we...
..why are we allowing the young people of this country
to wear T-shirts with James Acaster's face on it?
When are we going to wake up as a country
and burn James Acaster T-shirts?
What the hell?
Can't believe what I'm hearing here?
I'm a big James Acaster fan.
Anyone else want to chip in on this?
OK, just me.
Listen, I can't believe what I'm hearing.
He's a witty guy. I like him.
- Too tall! Lanky! - What?
He's too... He's so gangly.
He's turning our kids gangly, and they wave their arms.
Turning your kids gangly?
James is making them... all the kids now, they go around
like this all the time.
James Acaster, frankly, is disgusting,
and let's burn the James Acaster T-shirts.
Disgusting. It's disgusting.
I can't believe what... I feel like this is getting out of hand.
I think everyone is losing a bit of perspective here.
It's just a T-shirt with a comedian on it.
It's got scabies in it!
Yeah, it's got scabies in it.
It has got scabies in it. It's got scabies in it.
I've been given here... People told me you were going to talk about this.
Is this the kind of stuff you're talking about?
There it is, right there.
I'm just gonna have to, just for some balance,
I think I'm gonna have to prove that this...
- Don't do it, Fiona. - There's nothing wrong with this.
No, don't do it. Fiona, don't.
You'll sound... You'll sound Japanese if you put it on.
It'll be very problematic.
It'll be highly problematic.
Don't do it, Bruce. I love you.
I'm gonna prove that this is fine. I'm gonna prove that this is fine.
No! No!
Stop her. Stop her!
Liz, Lizo, stop her.
Come on.
Konnichiwa.
Get out of here, you!
Well, well, well.
It's very hard to choose between them, actually,
cause I felt at the end there
both the ideas came together, you know.
Fiona Bruce wouldn't have stuck up to Phil if it wasn't for the fact
she was a massive James Acaster fan, like Ninia said.
Yeah.
So I'm gonna go three points to Phil Wang,
two points to Ninia Benjamin, I think that's fair.
Where does that leave the points?
Philroisious has three points, and Da-ra-ra-nin-t-a is in the lead
with seven points.
Next up it's the Great Wall of Celebrities.
Whoa!
Teams, you must take it in turns to pick a celeb and guess how
they answered a tricky hypothetical.
Each question is worth one point.
OK.
Phil and Rois?
Can we please go for Nina Wadia?
OK.
You must get one of the following tattooed on your body.
A, Michael Caine's face on your face.
B, Alan Sugar's hand on your hand,
making it look like you're always aggressively pointing at someone.
Or, C, James on your left buttock and Josh on your right.
I mean, they're all wonderful.
Which would you go for yourself?
- I would say the buttocks one. - Yeah?
Because, yeah, I mean only a select few are going to see that,
- compared to my face, or my hand. - Yeah.
And it just shows people that I'm into comedy.
I'm with Phil.
I think that it's the buttocks, but I would have them so small,
they would be so small it would be like a little,
like, you'd have to be, the closer you were with someone,
eventually, like, before you got married, you'd be,
like, get out the magnifying glass and go in, and that would be
the reveal, that when they put a magnifying glass, all of a sudden
Josh Widdicombe is on your arse.
Yeah.
You know those two moles on my butt that you always compliment me on?
Have a little look.
Right, let's see what Nina Wadia went with.
Did she go with C?
I think I'd have to have the boys on my arse.
- Yes. - Yes.
One point.
Da-ra-ra-nin-t-a, who are you gonna pick?
I'm gonna pick Ella Vaday.
Ella Vaday.
James is tempted to take his first steps into the glamorous
world of drag.
What drag name should he go for?
James A. Bastard.
Ooh.
Oh, that's very good, actually.
Um, you would be either Ali Caster.
- OK, yeah. - 'Cause they do love that.
I don't know what it's called, but it's a name where you kind
of make it sound...
Yeah.
- Caster Sugar? - Yeah.
- Acaster Sugar. - Yep.
Acaster Sugar.
Oh, so it's like, "What's your name?"
"Acaster, Sugar."
I might start doing that anyway.
I've not called enough people "sugar" in my life.
Your name could be Cordi Roy.
Oh, here we go.
- Cordi Roy. - Oh, yeah.
Cordi Roy, that's great.
Yeah. It's a beautiful name.
OK, we're gonna need to settle on an answer.
I don't think anyone is gonna come up with...
I don't think, with respect, he's not gonna come up with anything
as brilliant as Cordi Roy.
That's clearly the best.
Let's see.
Is it as good as Cordi Roy?
James, good luck on your drag career.
I think your name should be Anna Notherthing.
And another thing.
Anna Notherthing.
That's actually not a bad name.
Do you want to give them a bonus point for Cordi Roy?
Yeah, yeah, bonus point, sugar.
Oh, thanks. Thanks, Cordi.
Right, one final celebrity.
Um, the good reverend.
- The good reverend. - Oh, yeah.
- The good reverend. - Bottley.
Kate Bottley.
You develop one of the following condiment-based medical conditions.
Which do you choose?
A, You cry ketchup.
B, you sneeze mayo.
Or, C, you piss peri-peri.
This is good, cause I love a condiment.
Oh, yeah?
This is the dream.
So you're seeing this as a positive, which one you'd...
Listen, if life gives you lemons...
- Peri-peri is obviously... - It'll burn.
..very appealing, but it will burn.
OK. So, peeing, we've gotta do that every day. Nightmare.
Sneeze - colds.
Crying, if you just avoid things that upset you and toughen up...
OK.
..then when that happens it just looks like a nosebleed.
- Right. - Yes.
So we could do cry ketchup,
and then just sort of live a very sheltered life.
Unless you're crying because you've run out of ketchup, which is great.
- That's really handy. - That's perfect.
- Watch a sad movie. - Yeah, watch a sad movie.
Run out of ketchup, watch The Snowman.
Yeah. That's it.
I imagine if this happened to Phil it would not be a problem,
because I think that Robo-Phil has never cried in his life.
Complete robot.
I can start. For ketchup, I'll start.
I imagine you're a binge crier.
Like, you don't do anything for ten years, and then two weeks straight.
Well, this has got surprisingly personal very quickly.
It's like you've not met me before, Phil.
Right.
Yeah, I think the ketchup is probably a good shout.
Ketchup?
Let's see.
- I'd sneeze mayo. - Aargh!
In fact, I think I once did.
- That's gotta hurt. - She'd sneeze mayo.
That is the end of the round.
It's time now for our next round, which is Not For a Million Quid.
In this round, we want to know how much you'd need to be paid
to live through a hypothetical situation.
The lowest bidder has to tell us how they'd do it.
There's three points on offer if we think you'd pull it off.
And if I don't believe your bid is genuine, I will disqualify you.
The question is, how much to endure this for a year -
every time you meet someone you must steal something from them.
James, the rules.
Every time you have an interaction with someone
you must leave the conversation with one of their belongings.
You can't just get them to give it to you.
It has to be taken without them knowing.
And we'll not accept stealing their time, heart or thunder,
or anything like that.
Possessions.
In every interaction?
Buying, like, a Tube ticket, I've got to somehow get something
off the guy in the booth?
Yeah.
No, because no-one has bought a Tube ticket from a guy in a booth
for ten years.
OK.
- Say you're in a swimming pool. - Yeah.
So what am I stealing off those people?
What would you suggest we steal off those people?
- I've got to ask... - Crime.
They're asking us to commit crime.
I've got to ask, Roisin, how often are you interacting
with other people in a swimming pool?
You don't consider that an interaction?
I can't swim, so I don't know.
Have you had conversations in a swimming pool with strangers?
Yes. A lady told me recently that I was doing very well for a beginner.
I've been swimming a long time.
OK, well, let's all do our bids.
Roisin, would you say you've got more angry
with each round of this show today?
I haven't got more angry in general.
- I've got angry at you. - Yeah.
But not in general.
What I like about this team is you've got Roisin,
who's heavily emotionally involved in it.
- Yeah. - And Phil, who can't feel emotion.
We're the classic double act.
Right, let's start with the emotionally alive Dara.
OK. Er, 100 grand.
- 100 grand? - Oh, my God.
- 100 grand. - OK.
Yeah, fair enough.
Ninia?
- Gazillion. - Gazillion.
Gazillion, nuff nuff big money, pound sign, seven...
I don't even know.
The number seven and then a lot of zeroes.
I wanted to say 'falillion', but that's not really a monetary...
No, but I think you've made your point clear.
- Yeah. - Gazillion, falillion, yeah.
- Roisin is changing hers. - I changed it.
- Just so you know, James. - Why?
That is a dog's face, not what you think it is.
Roisin, please, don't let yourself down again with the dog.
- I haven't. - OK.
One pound.
One pound, because that way, if I fail,
I won't feel like I've lost a lot of money.
Oh.
And I think this task is completely undoable.
- Wow. - Thank you.
That is incredible.
That is one of the...
While you think it's undoable, you do realise that by bidding
the lowest out of everyone you're the one who's gonna have to do it?
What?
- No. I'm bidding. - That's how it works.
Yeah, but the lowest, the person who...
I haven't signed any contracts. This is a bid.
It's a bid. It's just a bid.
Yeah, but we're gonna make you act it out in a minute.
OK, but my point... What?
- No. If I also... - One pound. Phil Wang?
Um, I went with £10,000,001,
because I couldn't resist the symmetry.
I love it. Robot love symmetry.
I like it. I think that's good thinking.
OK. James, that means it's Roisin that's the lowest bidder.
- Roisin is the lowest bidder. - Do you believe she could do it?
Well, Roisin doesn't seem to believe she could do it.
I think Roisin could do it.
But do I do it because I've got the lowest bid?
- Surely the highest bid wins. - Well, no, because...
No, we were very clear about the rules at the start of the show.
Plus, you've done this show twice before, and the rules have always
been the same for this round, and once you actually
were the lowest and had to do it.
Remember the Howard from Halifax one?
- Yeah. - Yeah, yeah, you did it before.
Look, we're gonna get the set out here.
I'm gonna set my own living room up and see if you can steal from me.
- OK, OK. - CLIFF!
Cliff!
# His name is Cliff, he works in props
# He sets them up, and could do better. #
This is my living room.
I'm just hanging out in my living room.
It's very sparse these days, 'cause in the space of a week
I've had five burglaries, and I feel very sad.
These are all the possessions I've got left.
There's my giant ice-cream,
my Corduroy Wearer of the Year trophy,
and of course here with my fish, er, Dara.
Ah, just hanging out.
Maybe at some point someone will visit me.
You're with me. You're with me.
- I'm coming with you? - Yes.
- Why? - I don't do it alone.
- Does Phil...? - So is Ninia and Dara.
We're all going in.
The more people in there,
the more people you're gonna have to steal off.
Yeah, if you speak to Phil in it, you've got to nick off him.
What? Well, presume I've already stole from him.
- Oh, OK. Yeah. - I'll presume that.
Hello, how are you doing?
- Hello, Rois, good to see you, mate. - I've brought my friend Phil.
- Hello. - Oh, hello.
And a couple of others coming. Oh, hello.
- Let's bring more people in. - I've been burgled.
How are you doing? How are you doing?
You've been burgled? What a nightmare.
Hey, James, how are you?
Are you feeding my fish for me?
- Oh, hi. How are you? - Hello, Dara.
Oh, it's just so nice that everyone has come to comfort me.
Oh, I just dropped this. I just dropped this.
- Hi. Hi, Cordi. - Hello, how are you?
- So strange to not see you in drag. - Really nice to see you.
You've got loads of things.
Good to see you all.
Ah, quick question.
Um, Phil, stop!
Roisin, I notice you brought this young man round.
I hate to say this.
He's stolen my Corduroy Wearer of the Year
and he's wearing no corduroy.
James, that is just so rude. He's just literally looking at it.
You can't just accuse people of stealing.
- Are you just looking at it? - Roisin said she'd split the pound.
So anyway, we'll probably just do...
Yeah, I'm...yeah, I'm out of here.
I can't be around for that kind of thing.
Yeah.
- See you, Dara. - Yeah, lovely to see you.
- Thanks for coming over. - No problem at all.
Oh, I just need to say goodbye to them, actually.
- Bye, James. - It's nice to see you.
It's nice to see you.
I took one of your cards.
- Do you need your cards? - Huh?
You took my... So, of all the things you... Just to recap.
Of all the things you could have nicked, you nicked my cards
that has questions to ask you if it comes down to it.
Yeah.
I knew you weren't gonna keep your eye on that.
To be fair, I didn't notice that one.
I didn't notice it.
Do you know what?
I've got to give you credit where it's due there.
I was looking so much at everything else
that I didn't notice that was stolen.
- Yes. - Until you told me it was stolen.
James, could she do it?
Well, you wanted to overwhelm me.
You absolutely did that.
I've got to say you'd get that pound at the end of the year.
Three points to Roisin Conaty.
Three points.
I'll clap myself.
It's time for On The Spot.
OK, in this round we're gonna deliver a series of rapid fire
hypotheticals, which we want our panellists to solve
as quickly as possible.
Life is a marathon, not a sprint, except this round,
which is a sprint, but also, if it goes badly, a marathon.
I will read out the hypothetical and then James will say the name
of the person who he wants to answer it.
If we're not buying your answer we will hit our buttons to stop
the clock and ask what the hell you are on about.
The best player wins the round.
OK, here we go.
A giant moth is attacking London.
Godzilla is away on business so it's up to you to save the day.
- How do you do it? - Ninia.
I'd get a plane that has got big wings and fly it over the sun
and make the moth go, "Oh no, there's no sun," and die.
Very good.
We've already got apples and pears/stairs, boatrace/face.
You must come up with a brand-new piece of Cockney rhyming slang.
Roisin.
Er, chimney and cheese/disease.
Yeah.
Little bit of the old chimney and cheese.
Rest in peace.
You're in the office of Jonathan Warburton.
Convince him to release a line of crumpets in the shape of your head.
Ninia.
Oh, man, you want the crumpets big and juicy and crunchy,
and my head is big and juicy and crunchy.
Please, Jonathan Warburton,
I will touch your chest with a croissant.
You've been sent back in time to the '90s.
Convince the Blue Man Group to pick another colour.
Dara.
A wall, wall, painted like bricks and walls,
they stand next to it and disappear.
- What a trick. - Oh, that's good.
Reggae Reggae Sauce has ruled the roost for too long.
Give us another musical genre-inspired condiment.
Roisin.
Er, punk, er, peeeeeas.
Can you just say that again, how you said it?
Oh, oh, I'm gonna re-watch that so many times.
I'm gonna have it on a loop on my phone.
I'm gonna show it to people for months.
"Punk peeeeeas."
Yoga practitioners are getting tired of the downward dog.
You must come up with a name for the next global
hit yoga position.
- Phil. - Upwards accountant.
Can we see what that looks like, please, Phil,
the upwards accountant?
You can expense that.
Lovely.
The RSPB are looking to rebrand birds.
They've asked you to pitch a more accurate name for seagulls.
Ninia.
Shit on your fucking chips.
Can you say that?
- Can you say that? - Yeah.
Well, you've said it, mate.
People are sick of commuting, so National Rail have asked you
to come up with an exciting new public transport method
to replace trains.
Phil.
Slip and slide, all the way.
You have ten minutes to sell every item in Kettering Argos.
Dara.
Give us a quid, I'll give you the lot.
You've accidentally posted a picture of your bum
on your family WhatsApp group.
What's your explanation?
Roisin.
Um, that's not my bum.
Who sent this?
It's time to cut down food waste.
Come up with a way to use all those sealed pistachio nuts
you can't get open.
- Phil. - Maracas, baby!
Pistachio maracas.
Your phone rings. It's a friend you really want to speak to.
- What do you do? - Roisin?
- Answer it? - Correct.
There's an easy one in every episode.
We can all agree we get too many texts, letters
and messenger pigeons.
You must invent an exciting new way to contact someone.
Ninia.
Through the medium of fart smells.
- Fart smells? - Yeah.
Yeah.
You must circumnavigate the Earth...
- (HORN BLOWS) - Oh. We'll never know.
So, James, after all that, who's getting the points?
Gotta say, it's a tough one, but just because I'd love to see
everyone referring to seagulls as "shit on my fucking chips",
I've got to give the point...
Ninia is the star player in that one.
And after all that, how many points does Ninia get?
Ninia gets one point.
- One point! - Is that it?
It's time for our final round, the one that decides it all.
We're heading back to the Wall of Celebrities
to ask the biggest question in showbiz.
What happened to Barry Scott from the Cillit Bang adverts?
No.
It's Big Hat or Small Hat.
We asked our six celebs one final, all-important question -
big hat or small hat?
James, the rules.
We told the celebrities
you have to wear the hat for the rest of your life,
you can't wear a medium-size hat over the small hat,
and these are the hats.
All you have to do is tell us which hat the celebrity chose.
James, before this question, what are the scores?
Well, Philroisious has seven points,
while Da-ra-ra-nin-t-a are in the lead with nine points.
Who is this question for and how many points is it worth?
It's for Philroisious, and it's worth three points.
Ooh.
So, Philroisious, it all comes down to this.
Let's have the dramatic lighting change.
Which celebrity would you like to choose to play Big Hat Small Hat?
I feel like you want someone with a big personality.
The good Reverend Bottley, please.
The good Reverend Bottley.
And do you feel she went big hat or small hat?
I'm actually feeling small hat.
- I'm feeling small hat. - Are you feeling small...? Yeah.
Why?
Genuinely because I think she'd look quite good in a small hat.
She's got a bit of a cabaret vibe about her, that's very cabaret,
kind of, have the little hat there.
Yeah.
Um, it's like a nice contrast to the dog collar,
small white bit, small black bit.
It's nice.
And a lot of her work is just face-on,
and so she could just put the hat sort of on the back of her head.
Yeah.
For the days when it's inappropriate.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
A funeral or whatever. She's just facing on.
A funeral.
It's only the altar boys who get to see the hat.
It's also less rude to wear in church.
Yes.
What are you thinking, guys?
I think her picking the big hat, you know, while going,
"I'm so dreadfully sorry about your grandfather".
Can you just try that, show us how that would look, James?
Wow.
But she's quite...she's quite, like, a funky, trendy, up for it...
And nothing says funky, trendy, up for it, than a massive top hat.
OK, so you're gonna go with the small hat?
- Small hat? - I think small hat.
- After all you've been through.
It's been a long journey, and it's been a beautiful...
It's been ferocious.
- It's been Philroisious as well. - Been Philroisious.
Let's see if it ends in victory.
Ooh.
- Big hat! - Oh!
- Oh, God. - Unbelievable.
James?
That means that Philroisious has seven points,
while Da-ra-ra-nin-t-a are the winners with nine points.
Congratulations to Da-ra-ra-nin-t-a.
You've proved your worth in a non-existent hypothetical universe.
You are this week's winners. James, what have they won?
As I said before, the hypothetical prizes are
a selection of waterproof spoons, 80 cubic metres of brie,
three big bollards, and a kiss on the lips from your favourite chef.
But those were just hypothetical prizes.
You've actually won a massive jar of punk peeeeeas.
Thanks to our guests, Dara O Briain, Ninia Benjamin,
Phil Wang, Roisin Conaty.
Extra special thanks to my co-host and points enthusiast James Acaster.
Goodnight.