Hello, and welcome to Hypothetical,
the show that pits my favourite comedians
against a variety of tricksy hypothetical scenarios.
Let's meet today's guests.
On my right, it's Jo Brand and Bill Bailey.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
And up against them, it's Darren Harriott and Harriet Kemsley.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
But now it's time to introduce my co-host and arbiter of Hypotheticals,
a man who, year-on-year, prevents me from winning
Hottest Strawberry Blonde at the Comedy Awards.
It's James Acaster.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Happy with that prop to come on with?
Very happy with it. Let's get on with the show.
(LAUGHTER)
Now, before we start, we need some team names.
Jo and Bill, what have you come up with?
Um, Fun-mongers.
- Fun-mongers. - Cause we love fun.
We mong fun.
(LAUGHTER)
What is monging?
Monging is selling or purveying in a retail sense.
- Thank you, Bill. - Thank you.
(LAUGHTER)
Darren and Harriott, what have you gone for?
Um, well, we combined the Harriets -
'cause my name is Harriet, and Darren's name is Harriott, or Darren's surname.
His name is Darren, but his surname is Harriott.
This is where the magic happens.
My surname is spelled I, O, double T.
Harriet's is spelled I, E, T.
So, we sort of combined that together
to make Harrieott.
(LAUGHTER)
Sorry, I turned round and I remembered
you're in a rubber ring still.
Never forget.
We've met our teams, let's find out what they're playing for. James?
This week's Hypothetical prizes are a vacuum-packed vacuum cleaner,
a clothes peg for your nose, a nose peg for your clothes
and a lingering look from a hot barista.
(LAUGHTER)
Our first round is What Would You Do?
James, how many points are up for grabs?
I'll be awarding up to five points,
depending on how they deal with the scenario,
from one, you're in a bad place right now,
up to five, you're in the best place in the world right now,
AKA the window seat of Nando's, Kettering.
The first question is a head to head.
The winning team gets the points.
Jo, you'll be representing Fun-mongers,
and Harriet, you'll be playing for Harrieott.
You know you've truly made it
when you appear on the front of a magazine.
Yeah, check this out.
(LAUGHTER)
JAMES: Best day of my life.
So, you have a month to get yourself on the front cover
of one of the following three magazines.
Muscle and Fitness UK...
Yeah.
(LAUGHTER)
..Vogue or National Geographic.
James, the rules.
The cover must feature an identifiable picture of you.
BILL: Right.
Loser appears on the front of next month's edition of Loser Monthly.
So, Harriet, which of three magazines do you think?
Muscle and Fitness UK, Vogue or National Geographic?
I think my highest chance is National Geographic.
Are you good at geography?
No.
So, I would have to get lost somewhere geographic.
OK.
(LAUGHTER)
So, where are you ruling out that isn't geographic?
Kettering.
Um, so...
(LAUGHTER)
So, I have to leave Kettering and go somewhere,
like, somewhere... it's either got to have,
like, a penguin or a rainforest.
They're always on the cover, aren't they?
- Yeah, that's pretty geographic. - Yeah.
So, maybe, maybe if I, like, raise some penguins.
By "raise", what do you mean?
- JAMES: Yeah. - Well, teach them...skills.
Life skills.
Things like...maths.
Penguins are ahead of... they're very smart.
That's true, isn't it?
- They are very underrated. - Yeah.
You're an animal expert, Bill.
- Well, yeah. - (LAUGHS)
- Yeah. - Sorry.
All right. OK.
Jo laughed openly at that.
- Sorry, Bill. - What?
"Expert" is a little bit out of the...
- All right. - You love animals.
Enthusiast, then. All right, enthusiast.
Yeah, "enthusiast" is much better.
JAMES: Yeah, yeah.
God, apparently, that's it. All right, the team is cracking already.
(LAUGHTER)
This is why normally you only book one national treasure an episode,
because the rest of us would go, "You're a genius, you're amazing,"
but if you book two, the other one goes, "They're not all that. Come on, mate."
- (LAUGHTER) - Er, well, I like animals.
We have got a lot of animals at home.
I could see myself on National Geographic.
That would be something which I would...
I wouldn't be raising penguins.
Perhaps discover a new sort of... a new kind of creature,
maybe sort of somewhere between a primate and a human,
that I could represent.
Oh, so you're gonna present yourself as, like, this missing link.
Yes, that's basically what I was gonna do, yes.
This is a question for Jo,
but that could be helpful for Jo, if you...
- What? - That has helped me a lot.
Has it?
(LAUGHTER)
Have you got any thoughts on which you'd go for?
Yeah, I'm afraid, I know everyone has gone for National Geographic,
but I would as well.
- Yeah. - I'd represent a country.
I would put a white sheet over me, cut out a hole for my face
and be Alaska.
(LAUGHTER)
I'm very relieved that that's where that landed.
(LAUGHTER)
I got really nervous for a second.
(LAUGHTER)
I turn round and Darren's gone.
(LAUGHTER)
Bill would say he's the missing link and you've found him.
You've discovered him as a...
Yeah, I'll just lurk about at the back, like...
I could be the missing link.
- Yeah, I think you could, too. - Yeah.
Oh, cheers.
(LAUGHTER)
So, it would be the woman who discovered the missing link.
Yeah.
Harriet, so what are you thinking for your...?
Was I not clear?
- Yeah. - (LAUGHTER)
If Harriet was living with the penguins,
teaching them to do stuff, becoming penguin-ish herself...
JOSH: Yeah.
..there's no way that wouldn't get on the front of National Geographic.
How do you feel about...?
Er, with this one, I would worry a little bit,
saying we've found the missing link,
and everyone immediately goes, "That's Bill Bailey."
(LAUGHTER)
Yeah, but that's the whole thing about missing links.
- We hide in plain sight. - Oh, yeah, that's good.
I mean, I did have a DNA test,
through the National Geographic, actually,
and it came back that I was 2.8% neanderthal,
and so there is...it's feasible.
- That is feasible. - Yes. - JOSH: It's feasible.
- Yeah. - JOSH: Well done.
- Thanks. - (LAUGHTER)
James, how do you want to kind of work out
which you think is the better idea?
Well, I guess they should probably have a chat with the editor
of the National Geographic, right?
- Yeah, that's a good idea. - That makes sense.
Have you got any props to help with that?
Yeah, they're right there. Oh, yeah.
Right, James, do you want to play the editor of National Geographic?
I would love to, thank you very much.
And who would you like to see first?
Er, I would like to hear a pitch from Harriet Kemsley, please.
DARREN: You got this, Harriet.
- I believe in you. - OK.
OK.
Send her in, if she can find her way in, that is.
(LAUGHTER)
Where's the door? I don't know.
JOSH: There...
- I just walk? - No, don't help her. - JOSH: You don't need...
- Find the door, Harriet. - Don't help her.
She can't find the door.
No, I thought I might have to...
Struggling with buildings, huh?
Where have you been living the past year?
(LAUGHTER)
- Hello. - Hello.
I need a cover story.
Have you ever heard of something called a penguin?
- Yeah. - (LAUGHTER)
We're National Geographic. We kind of invented them.
Well, do you know any...have you ever had one that does maths?
That's impossible.
Our resident penguin expert, Bill Bailey, says it's impossible.
(LAUGHTER)
You can't listen to him, he's part-neanderthal.
- (LAUGHTER) - What?!
Yeah, you mustn't... you mustn't listen to him.
Man, that's a cover story!
(LAUGHTER)
Sounds great.
Well, thank you.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
Yeah.
Yeah, my previous meeting just tipped me off
that there's a much more interesting story.
I would like you to find them.
Find Bill Bailey and his handler and send them in.
(LAUGHTER)
- BILL: Well... - Not the first person to say that.
(LAUGHTER)
Do you want to sit down?
Eh?!
- (LAUGHTER) - What?
Fascinating.
(LAUGHTER)
- Hello. - Hello, there.
This pitch is brief. I'm an expert on evolution.
As you know, evolution is a combination
of pragmatic conservatism...
Yeah.
- ..and radical chance. - Uh-huh.
And weirdly, in the same week,
radical chance threw up
an opportunity to introduce you to the missing link.
- All right? - Hello.
(LAUGHTER)
This is the missing link.
I initially toyed with the idea,
'cause I did have someone
who I thought was 96% neanderthal.
Yeah.
But my husband is refusing to come.
- So... - (LAUGHTER)
..we have Bill here,
who is 2.8% neanderthal.
- Oh. - 2.8.
- 2.8? - Get in.
JAMES: Whoa.
Can I give him something to calm him down?
I've got a protein shake. Do you want that?
- Oh, yes! - There you go.
What?
(LAUGHTER)
I haven't got any strength to... Oh, yes!
Sorry.
If you give him protein shakes he calms down.
Yeah, just rack it up on the side there.
(LAUGHTER)
But we felt his character would come across very strongly
at a photo shoot.
I tell you what, let's do a photo shoot right now.
If you go up against that green screen, you two.
All right.
I'd love to do a little test, see if the camera loves you.
OK, here we go.
- BILL: Ready? - Yeah.
Work it.
Oh, yeah.
- That's it. - Is that the one?
You're dancing.
JO: I'm not fucking even in this, though.
Yeah, you snooze you lose, baby.
(APPLAUSE)
It says that's the Jo Brand issue.
It's your name. Your name's on it.
What more do you want?
Look like you've just been discovered.
(LAUGHTER)
You're gonna be a star.
(APPLAUSE)
JOSH: Whew! Phewy!
- Blimey, James. - Yeah.
It's a difficult one to choose who got the points there,
but I've got a feeling it's neither of the people that were competing.
(LAUGHTER)
It's difficult, isn't it?
Because it was meant to be the Jo Brand issue.
Oh, that's all right.
Jo was meant to get herself on the front cover,
and in the end, Bill was on the front.
Although he has rocketed to superstardom. It was a huge story.
JOSH: So, who are you gonna give the points to, James?
I have to give it to Jo and Bill. Four points.
- Four points. - Yes! High five.
It's time for James's Wishlist.
# James's Wishlist, wish upon a star. #
In this round, we're gonna be picking something
from James's ever-growing list of dreams,
and our panellists are gonna tell us how they'd make it happen.
This is a head to head for Bill and Darren.
Best answer gets up to five points.
James, do you want to give us a clue what the hypothetical might be?
Yeah. Take a look at this little clue for you.
What is my dream?
Any guesses?
Take your top off.
(LAUGHTER)
After the... Not now, Harriet.
I'm excited to announce that I've pumped all my Mock the Week money
into building a new waterpark in Kettering called Pond World.
There's just one problem.
I forgot to order any water.
So, for my wish list this week,
you have to get me as much water as possible
before the grand opening in 24 hours.
OK, rules are the park opens with a spectacular high dive from Tom Daley,
which would ideally be into water.
We're on a very tight budget,
so you can't just buy the water,
and also it can be any type of water you like,
still or sparkling, or that weird flavoured one that's drunk by idiots.
(LAUGHTER)
This is a very specific point, though.
Pond World, to me, I'm sort of a little bit obsessive
about the nomenclature -
see, that, to me, would suggest ponds.
Yeah.
But none of this splashing around in a tube.
It's pond themed.
So, like, every single slide and ride that you can go on
feels like you're in a big garden pond.
But with fish and weed?
Yeah, yeah, there's, like,
little animatronic fish going through the water,
maybe a garden gnome there, with a fishing rod.
- Some frogs? - You feel like you're a tiny little newt going through a magical world.
Imagine what being in a garden pond is like for a newt.
It must feel like a massive water park.
- It must be terrifying. - Yeah, yeah.
And that's what I want the people of Kettering to feel like.
(LAUGHTER)
So you want them to be terrified?
Imagine yourself, you're an aquatic beast,
you're being threatened by a heron. Is there giant herons?
Yeah, every hour on the hour - you know how, sometimes,
in the swimming pool, there's a wave machine every hour.
Yeah, yeah.
With us, there's just a giant beak comes out of the sky
and skewers random punters.
(LAUGHTER)
And you don't know if it's gonna be you or not.
I actually dropped a baby in a pond once.
Me and my brother were looking after a baby.
- Yes. - And it was a very hot day,
and I leant over to dip the baby's feet in and dropped it.
What, like Michael Jackson?
Like Michael Jackson?
With Blanky. Oh, yeah, he nearly dropped...
Oh, right. Yeah, but that wasn't a pond, was it?
That was the pavement.
(LAUGHTER)
A very different thing.
OK, Darren, what are you thinking for sourcing this water?
Can you put water in a hoover?
- In a what? - Hoover.
- Yeah. - I thought you said an Uber.
(LAUGHTER)
They'll take anything, those guys.
Three stars. He filled it full of water.
Um, in a hoover?
Yeah, I'm thinking of collecting water in like a hoover.
- Yeah? - I'm thinking, like, maybe something
like a big balloon, you know, like, an air balloon?
If you could fill one of them with water, and just drag it.
- Or a camel. - Or an elephant.
They spit water out.
How many camels are there in Kettering?
Er, zero currently.
OK. What are you thinking about a camel?
It's gonna store it all in its humps?
- They store water in their humps. - They can store water.
And what are you gonna do, murder the camel for its water?
(LAUGHTER)
Just put a little tap in the hump.
Like a wine box.
Yeah, like a wine box. Yeah.
I'm trying to think of how we can make it a bit more,
get a bit more water for our buck, you know?
Yeah.
Like, maybe could we have, like, some sort of bubble bath or something?
- Yeah. - Yeah, like a big foamy Pond World.
- Yeah, a big foam party. - Yeah.
Foam machine.
Well, I'll let you think on, on the foam machine,
because, Bill, what are your kind of initial thoughts?
I'm going down a different route with this water, I'm afraid.
I spent some time with the Navajo people, and, they...
(LAUGHS)
- What? - That's a great intro for...
I have.
I, I spent some time with them, and they do a rain dance.
- Yeah? - Right?
So I'd get the Navajo people to come to Kettering
and set up a camp in your Pond World,
and they would do a rain dance every day, and then they could sponsor it.
It would be the Navajo Pond.
Yeah.
And every day, they would make it rain over Pond World.
Oh, I didn't know we could use spells!
(LAUGHTER)
All right, well, I'd get Harry Potter to do the spell of rain.
- But you don't know Harry Potter. - I...
Bill, I don't know if you heard,
has spent some time with the Navajo people.
- I've spent some time... - (LAUGHTER)
And when they did the rain dance, did it make it rain?
- Yeah. - Did it?
It did. It worked.
Did it actually? Did that not blow your mind?
That would absolutely blow my mind.
It was quite cloudy, but...
(LAUGHTER)
I mean, I'm prepared to go with it.
Um, James, I mean, I think Bill's is solid as a rock, isn't it?
- Sounds pretty solid, actually, yeah. - Yeah.
Darren's is a bit more all over the place.
It's a bit on shaky ground, so I think we're going to have to put it to the test.
Yeah, OK.
- Have we got any props for this? - Yeah, they're right there.
Oh, yeah. Well, do you want to go down and, who do you want to be?
Well, I think Darren should be working behind the desk there.
Obviously you've just filled the whole water park full of water.
And, let's see who pays a visit.
OK, sure.
Let me get my equipment together, if I may.
- (CLEARS THROAT) - Oh, hi.
- How you doing? - Hello. Just here to do the...
Welcome to Kettering Water Pond. How are you doing today, sir?
Yeah, good, thank you.
Just here to do the health and safety check on the water park.
Ah-ha-ha, of course you are.
See that everything's up to standard, see that everything's safe and OK,
legitimate and to the, usual water park stan...
(SHOUTS) Health and safety!
Carry on, sir. Just had to let everybody know that you're here.
"Announced it."
(LAUGHTER)
Er, now I've been looking round the park.
Um, a few questions.
Um, some of the rides appear to be mainly consisting of foam.
Yeah, yeah, we've got a few foam rides in.
Yeah. People love foam.
Who doesn't love a bit of foam? Well...
Use foam for everything, shaving, partying, raving.
- Ha-ha-ha. Water... - Do you do much...?
- Water ponds. - Are people shaving here?
(LAUGHTER) I mean... I mean...
Have you got people shaving here?
Let's be honest.
You've been doing this a long time, I can tell.
People do worse things in ponds.
Yeah, oh, tell me about it.
Not here though. Not here. Tell me about it.
I've seen some people do some things in ponds, mate.
I saw a woman drop a baby in a pond once.
(LAUGHTER)
So, why is there a massive pile of wet hoovers...
(LAUGHTER)
..out by the bins?
Oh, that's, that's the hoodlums, the kids.
Oh, they love a hoover.
Oh, do they?
- Yeah, they... - What do the kids...?
They think it's funny to bring hoovers in here.
Kettering youths. Ohh...
- You hate the youth? - Oh, I hate them.
- OK. - Kettering youth.
So, so...
..how long have you been a Tory for?
(LAUGHTER)
- Three years. - Oh, good on you. So, am I.
This park's staying open.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
JOSH: James, do you know what?
He was more convincing than we thought he was gonna be.
JAMES: He's a charming man.
I felt very charmed the whole time, by the whole thing, and...
I used to sell broadband on the street for a living before comedy,
like, in the rain, outside Sainsbury's.
So, I can sell anything, and keep a smile on.
How do you sell it on the street?
Oh, it's easy. "You got Internet?" "No." "Well, come here then."
But how do you give it to them?
(LAUGHTER)
It's not...
You thought I gave them the Internet there?
- I don't know, I just. - What, in like a bag?
"Here's two gig. There you go, mate, take care."
James, has that affected the points?
- Yes. - (LAUGHTER)
What's just happened hasn't.
Those two.
Yeah, I've had a think about it, and here's the thing.
- I love Bill's idea, and... - JOSH: It's a really nice idea.
I would love to go to that park,
but Darren was so charming that I can't deny
he would get away with the inspection.
So, I'm gonna have to give Darren the points.
I'm gonna give him three points. JOSH: Three points!
We'll take that. We'll take that, thank you.
(APPLAUSE)
Where does that leave the scores, James?
That means Harrieott has three,
whilst Fun-mongers are in the lead with four points.
BILL: Yes.
Next up, it's the Great Wall of Celebrities.
Teams, you must take it in turns to pick a celeb
and guess how they answered a tricky hypothetical.
Each question is worth one juicy point.
OK, what are you gonna go for?
Harriet, shall we go with Angellica?
- HARRIET: Let's go with Angellica. - JOSH: Angellica Bell.
For a year, you can only wear one type of clothes.
Which do you choose?
Oh, God.
(LAUGHTER)
Really wet, really smelly, or really on fire.
- I've met Angellica Bell. - Yeah?
Um, and she smelt really nice.
- I hugged her. - Yeah?
She wasn't really wet.
She wasn't on fire.
No, but just to be clear,
this didn't happen.
(LAUGHTER)
Oh.
Let me just ask, sorry.
You met Angellica Bell.
Did she buy the broadband?
(LAUGHTER)
Any thoughts, Harriet?
Well, I would have one wet sock and one fire sock,
and then I'd put out my fire sock with my wet sock.
- Or... - OK.
(LAUGHTER)
Or...
You don't need to have one of each.
No, she doesn't.
But here we are.
(LAUGHTER)
We're just waiting to hear what garment stinks now.
(LAUGHTER)
OK.
But I think we might go with really smelly.
- What do you think? - Do you think smelly?
She's gonna want to be smelly? No.
- Well, really wet? - I'm sorry, Darren.
- No. - What would you go with?
No one wants to smell.
- I think fire. - You...
(LAUGHTER)
You think she would really choose one item of clothing to...
I would hate to smell. I'd rather be on fire.
Like, I don't want to upset Darren,
but I don't know if Darren knows what women want.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
Well, let's see whether Darren knows what women want.
Really on fire. Pwooh!
(APPLAUSE)
Great work, Harriet. What do I know? What do I know?
I was surprised as well.
(LAUGHTER)
OK. Fun-mongers, who are you gonna pick?
- Can we go with Susie? - Yeah.
- Susie Dent. - Dent.
For the rest of your life, we said to Susie Dent,
you must crowbar one of these words into every sentence.
A - Crow, B - bar, or C - crowbar.
Which would you crowbar into every sentence?
I reckon bar.
We had a bloke come to the house once
who had a very strange speech impediment.
He said "bob" before every word.
That was his speech impediment.
"I just come down to bob bay 40, and, I'm just doing the bob work."
So, I reckon you could get away with "bar" as a suffix to a word.
So you could say, "I'm just nipping up the shops, bar."
(LAUGHTER)
You could. Also, "bar" is a much more flexible word, isn't it?
Yeah.
You could say, "You are the nicest person I've ever met,
"bar 17 people I've met."
(LAUGHTER)
BILL: Yes.
So there's lots of different bars.
I think "bar" would be by far the easiest to get in.
- Yeah. - Do you think Susie Dent will agree?
Well, I don't know.
I mean Susie is a purveyor of, sort of, interesting words.
- Yeah. - And I think she'd probably quite like a challenge.
Yes, she'd probably have some other meaning for...
I think she's quite dark as well, Susie,
and crows are kind of portents of doom, aren't they?
- Yeah, they are. - I think Susie would...
You think she'd say "crow"
because Susie Dent is a surprisingly dark character.
- She's a murderer. - She's a murderer?
(LAUGHTER)
That's quite a big stretch from "She's quite dark", isn't it?
I mean, that's quite a jump.
Yeah, I know. I can't believe I've said that now.
Yeah.
She's literally gonna kill me now, and do it again.
OK, so you're gonna go for "crow" because Susie Dent is a murderer?
Well, I don't know. Bill, are you happy with "crow"?
Crow? I don't know.
Crow or bar, but I'll defer to...
All right, if you want to change it to "bar".
No, no, no, I don't.
- I want to defer to your... - Oh, bollocks.
- Right, yeah, crow, then. - Crow, then.
I'm loving this dynamic, by the way.
(LAUGHTER)
JOSH: Now, let's have a look.
I'm gonna make it a verbal tic and go with "bar".
- BILL: Ah, you see! - Oh.
A verbal tic. She even said it was a verbal tic!
She literally said a verbal tic, which is the thing I said!
(LAUGHTER)
BILL: All right, Jo, come back.
(APPLAUSE)
Bill, I'm sorry.
That's all right. No, no, it's fine.
Not many people do a victory lap after they got one wrong,
- but I absolutely love it. - (LAUGHTER)
Come on, did that look like victory?
- JAMES: That was pretty gutting. - BILL: A lap of losing.
JAMES: Even said a verbal tic.
- Even said. - Oh, piss flaps!
(LAUGHTER)
OK, what are you gonna go for?
I know Susie that well.
What do you think, Harriet? Shall we go with Reverend Bottley?
JOSH: Rev Bottley. Reverend Kate Bottley.
You have to have one of the following vehicle traits.
Which do you choose?
A - Windscreen wipers on your eyes,
B- wing mirrors sticking out the side of your head,
or C - exhaust pipe bum.
(LAUGHTER)
OK. So, Harriet, I'll go with what you think.
OK.
Do reverends, they, they don't... (WHISPERS) ...have sex?
Do reverends have sex?
Um, at some point.
Harriet, did you just hush the word "sex"?
- (LAUGHTER) - Yes.
One second. What would the sex part have to do with these?
Well, just it would be embarrassing if she had a new partner.
If she had an exhaust pipe?
Like, do you say before, or do you surprise them with it, or...?
"Oh, I've got an exhaust pipe in my bum,
"but don't worry about that, I'm a good kisser."
Yeah, that's what you'd do.
- Yeah, that sort of thing, yeah. - JOSH: Yeah.
- I think that, then. - JOSH: Exhaust pipe bum?
Let's have a look.
I don't want to overshare but I'm quite a flatulent woman,
so I'd like an exhaust pipe on my bottom.
(APPLAUSE)
- JOSH: I don't know how she does it. - Harriet, this is great.
- I know what women want. - This is great. This is amazing.
That is the end of the Harriet Kemsley round.
But, of course, we'll see the celebrities again
at the end of the show for Big Hat Small Hat.
It's time for our next round, which is Not For a Million Quid.
In this round we want to know how much you'd need to be paid
to live through a hypothetical situation.
The lowest bidder has to tell us how they'd do it.
There's three points on offer if we think you'd pull it off,
and if I don't believe your bid is genuine, I'll disqualify you.
How much to endure this for a year?
Everywhere you go, you must take a teddy bear with you.
James, the rules.
It's a classic cuddly toy bear -
cute nose, soft brown fur, adorable ears.
Oh, and, this is the bear.
Can we bring the bear in, please?
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
DARREN: The size of that.
- JOSH: There is the bear. Yes. - HARRIET: Aw.
DARREN: If that gets up, I will shit my pants.
(LAUGHTER)
OK. So, you'd have to take that round with you for a year.
JO: Can you just define "take it round with you"?
- JOSH: Yeah. - What, carry it for a year?
- Yeah, carry it. - JO: Would you have a trolley, or?
When you sit down, you can put it next to you.
- Yeah. - So it has to be, like, a kind of companion, with you at all times.
Is there any way I could just sort of see how heavy it is,
just sort of move it?
- Or does it have to stay like that? - I think you can, yeah, have a look.
I can move it? I just wanna see how heavy it is.
'Cause you can't put it in a bag or anything, can you?
No, you've got to take it round like it is.
- Oh, that's really heavy. - HARRIET: Is there someone in it?
- That's. - JOSH: No!
- That's really heavy. - HARRIET: It just moved.
JO: Can you just put it on my back?
I just want to see if I can carry it.
You wouldn't be able to lift that around.
Oh, go on, I'll give it a go.
(LAUGHTER)
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
BILL: Is it a two, is it a two-man lift?
DARREN: It is, yeah, definitely.
- JO: No. - BILL: No?
- JO: Wimp. - BILL: Wimp. Oh, right. - (LAUGHTER)
I think you could carry it on your back, definitely.
JAMES: You could carry that on your back?
So, you just carry it around with you, or drag it around with you.
- DARREN: Yeah, I feel like I'd... - JOSH: Everywhere you go.
I was gonna say tie a chain to it and pull it, but then it'd look like I was abusing it or something.
(LAUGHTER)
- JOSH: Get your boards out and pens. - All right.
So this is genuinely the amount of money we'd have to pay you.
For a year, you're taking this round wherever you go.
For a year?
Harriet, what's going through your head at the minute?
So, it's from now onwards?
- Yeah. - Yeah, yeah.
So, we'd have to leave with it now?
- JOSH: Yeah. - JAMES: Again...
Well, yeah, OK, hypothetically, yes.
(LAUGHTER)
- BILL: Right, what have you got? - JOSH: Let's go. Start with Jo.
100 grand.
Yeah, you seemed to be enjoying it earlier, to be fair.
- Bill? - I'm going with 500,000.
That's what I'm going with.
- Darren? - Er, I'd do it for 30 grand.
JAMES: Oh!
Harriet, what have you gone for?
- I went high. - Yeah.
100 grand.
JAMES: Er, no, that says one.
(LAUGHTER)
That's the least anyone has ever bid on this.
(LAUGHTER)
I thought my bid was bad.
Oh, you turned it upside down. That's 10 grand.
(LAUGHTER)
JAMES: That's ten grand, Harriet.
But I said 100.
Who's the lowest, then, James?
It appears that Darren is the lowest.
JOSH: So you think you could do this, Darren?
Is there any situation you'd be worried about turning up with a bear?
Um, yeah, everywhere.
Um, like, anywhere I go.
Going to the gym, going to the doctor's,
visiting my mum, my nan.
What excuse are you gonna use when you visit these people?
"Oh, I live in London now, it's all different."
(LAUGHTER)
They're from the Black Country. They have no idea.
"Oh, everyone carries bears now. I know, it's weird, isn't it?"
Then that's it, yeah, I'm in.
Well, shall we try a situation, then?
Yeah, let's test it out in a situation.
Um, yeah, let's have ourselves a little dinner date.
(SHOUTS) Cliff! Cliff!
Bring a restaurant out here right now!
# His name is Cliff, he works in props
# He sets them up, and could do better. #
Er, do you wanna do this date, then, with Darren?
Yeah, let's go for a dinner date, Darren.
- OK. - I'm just gonna be sitting here,
waiting on you.
You turn up.
I'm quite looking forward to it. I haven't seen Darren in a while.
An old friend of yesteryear.
Got loads of catching up to do.
All right, James? Ain't seen you in a long while.
Hello, Darren. Why are you...?
Why are you grabbing that bear's dick?
(LAUGHTER)
Don't be rude. This is Jeremy.
Jeremy, say hello to James.
There you go.
Oh, wasn't expecting him to have a voice.
Oh, he's so cute. Oh, God.
Take it easy, you.
Ha-ha-ha.
Is that for me? Is that a gift for me?
No, no. This is...this is Jeremy.
He's my bear. I bring him with me.
Say hello. "Raah!" There you go.
Anyway, don't worry about him.
Er, I will.
(LAUGHTER)
Tell me about Jeremy. How did you meet?
There's a website called Bears For Everyone.
- Yeah. - Which is where I met old Jeremy.
How do they match you up with the perfect bear?
Well, they just give you a long list of questions.
We're focussing a bit too much on...
Pop some of this, you know.
- Let's...celebrate. - Oh, yeah.
- Haven't seen you in years? - What are we celebrating?
We're celebrating just life and friendship and fun times.
Life, friendship and fun times?
Life, friendship and...and fun times.
Do this bear quiz on me. I want to get a bear of my own.
Oh, OK. OK.
Um, do you like people?
No, as you well know.
It's no coincidence we haven't seen each other in a while.
(LAUGHTER)
No, you never return my calls.
- No. - What does he eat?
I mean, every now and again, he'll talk about fish
and a bit of salmon and stuff, but...
What's he said to you about fish and salmon recently?
"I'll tell you one thing, I love a bit of that salmon."
(LAUGHTER)
"Oh, if I could just get a bit of that Scottish salmon,
"it's absolutely amazing, Darren.
"Just get me a bit of it."
That's, yeah, that's how he sounds.
Yeah, I think it's going to be a long time
before we see each other again.
(LAUGHTER)
James, I think you've got a feeling for how it would go.
Yeah, well, look, what I'm mainly gonna give him the points for here
is that he put that cap on the bear's head at the start of this,
and it has stayed there for the entire thing.
At no point has it fallen off.
So, I'm giving Darren the full three points.
JOSH: Three points!
(APPLAUSE)
HARRIET: No, Darren, you have to bring it.
DARREN: Oh. Oh, thanks, Harriet.
JAMES: Yeah, if you want to keep it for the rest of the show, Darren,
you're more than welcome.
Oh, I would absolutely love that!
(LAUGHTER)
It's time for On the Spot.
In this round, we're going to deliver a series of rapid fire hypotheticals,
which we want our panellists to solve as quickly as possible.
Josh will read out the hypothetical
and then I will say the name of the person that I want to answer it.
But if we think the answer is stupid,
we will hit our buttons to stop the clock
and ask what the hell you're on about.
The best player gets the points.
OK. Here we go.
Camping weekends, caravanning, barge trips.
You must come up with the next mega-cramped holiday for Brits.
- Bailey. - Giant egg.
(LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE)
Earrings, ties, necklaces.
You must invent the next dangly fashion accessory.
Kemsley.
Cats.
(LAUGHTER)
How are you wearing them?
Well, from, from my ears.
Alive?
- Oh, yeah. - OK, cool.
I'm not carrying a dead cat around with me, but I'd need two, to match.
That's what it would be.
Scientists feel it's time to upgrade the elbow joint.
What should it be replaced with?
Brand.
Nothing.
(LAUGHTER)
What? So, you'd just have, like, a straight arm?
That just dangled like that, yeah.
It wouldn't dangle, would it?
It would just, it would be straight out.
You couldn't ever go like that, could you?
No, you'd have to be like that the whole time.
Is there any way you two can do a podcast
where you just disagree with each other?
(LAUGHTER)
I'm sorry, but you start on elbows.
Really, that's red rag to a bull to me.
(LAUGHTER)
You have to come up with a Tinder bio that ensures you get zero matches.
- Bailey. - I am evil.
(LAUGHTER)
You are in a car. You must get out of the car.
- How do you do it? - Kemsley.
- Door. - Yeah. - Yeah.
There's always an easy question. Tonight, you were the lucky player.
(LAUGHTER)
The Premier League is starting to worry that whistles are a bit shrill.
You have to come up with a new way of referees getting your attention.
- Harriott. - Oh, uh, clapping.
- Yeah. - Lots of clapping. That would get attention.
You think that would help stand out in a football stadium?
(LAUGHTER)
Brian Eno is composing his new album, Songs for the Snooze Button.
He wants you to make a really calming sound that he can sample.
Kemsley.
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh...
Am I meant to make the noise?
- Yeah. - Yeah.
OK. Who's Brian Eno?
- That's by the bye. - OK.
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh...
I'm not feeling very calm.
(LAUGHTER)
You must make your local leisure centre smell of butterscotch
as quickly as possible.
Bailey.
I would cover myself in Angel Delight
and, uh, crouch in the air conditioning.
(LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE)
I mean, it's straightforward.
You travel back in time to become a Knight of the Round Table.
You're joining Sir Galahad the Pure, Sir Lancelot the Brave.
What's your descriptive name?
Brand.
Sir...
..Brandalot the Unpleasant.
(LAUGHTER)
People are bored witless by Zoom calls.
They've asked you to come up with a new feature to make them exciting again.
Harriott.
Um, all Zoom calls now come with DJs,
so you get a nice DJ in the background,
mixing a couple of beats in between your chat.
- Very nice. - That's genuinely a good idea.
- An actual good idea. - He's also naked.
(LAUGHTER)
BILL: No.
OK, well, that went from good to bad.
(LAUGHTER)
You travel back in time to meet your 16-year-old self.
You have 10 seconds to speak to them. What do you say?
Kemsley. Go.
What the fuck has happened?
(LAUGHTER)
Who are you?
Wait, I'm you in the future, or am I you in the past?
- Time's up! - You've got to do something!
What a fucking waste of 10 seconds.
(LAUGHTER)
You must circumnavigate the earth...
- (KLAXON BLARES) - Oh. - Oh.
We'll never know. That's the end of the round.
James, who are you giving the points to?
Well, I have to give the points to Bill for the butterscotch.
That's brilliant. So, yeah, Bill Bailey.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
After all that, how many points are they getting?
Oh, yeah, we should have said that earlier. It's worth one point.
- One point. - Oh!
It's time for our final round, the one that decides it all.
We're heading back to the Wall of Celebrities
to ask the biggest question in showbiz.
Exactly how old is Tony from Hollyoaks?
No, it's Big Hat or Small Hat?
We asked our six celebs one final, all-important question -
Big Hat or Small Hat?
James, the rules.
We told the celebrities
you have to wear the hat for the rest of your life,
you can't wear a medium size hat over the small hat,
and these are the hats.
OK.
All you have to do is tell us which hat the celebrity chose.
James, before this question, what are the scores?
Fun-mongers has five points,
while Harrieott are in the lead with eight points.
(APPLAUSE)
Who is this question for and how many points is it worth?
It's for Fun-mongers and it's worth four points.
So, Fun-mongers, it all comes down to this.
Can we have the dramatic lighting change, please?
So, you have to pick a celebrity
and tell me big hat or small hat to win it.
Oh, why don't we go with Angellica Bell, big hat?
Why not...?
Yeah, put Susie out of her misery.
She looks really bored, doing all that waving.
For fuck's sake, how much longer? Jesus.
OK, yeah.
'Cause, no, Angellica, 'cause she said, she said, "I'm on fire."
You know, "Fire!"
She's, like, got a sort of gregarious, outgoing personality.
She's, like...she's quite sort of, you know...
Which one, Bill? Go on.
- I'm saying, look... - Angellica Bell.
She looks like she'd wear a big hat like that, I'm saying.
What do you reckon? What do you reckon?
(AUDIENCE CALL OUT)
Look at this mob. "Er, I dunno."
(LAUGHTER)
"I don't care."
I think that noise meant "Lost the will to live"
on the hat front, didn't it?
I reckon she's the sort of person that would wear a big hat.
- JOSH: Angellica Bell? - Yes.
OK.
To win it, Angellica Bell, big hat.
OK, I'm gonna go with...
- ..the big hat. - BILL: Yes!
- (APPLAUSE) - It's the big hat!
You see? You see?
James, what are the final scores?
That means Harrieott have eight points,
while Fun-mongers are the winners with nine points.
Yes! Get in!
JOSH: Congratulations to Fun-mongers.
You've proved your worth in a non-existent hypothetical universe.
You are this week's winners. James, what have they won?
As I said before, the hypothetical prizes
are a vacuum-packed vacuum cleaner,
a clothes peg for your nose, a nose peg for your clothes,
and a lingering look from a hot barista.
But those were just hypothetical prizes.
You've actually won a bag
containing the Internet.
Yes!
Thanks to our guests, Jo Brand, Bill Bailey,
Darren Harriott, Harriet Kemsley.
Extra special thanks to my co-host and points enthusiast James Acaster.
Goodnight.