1 00:00:37,043 --> 00:00:38,923 Hello, and welcome to Hypothetical, 2 00:00:38,923 --> 00:00:41,003 the show that pits my favourite comedians 3 00:00:41,003 --> 00:00:43,643 against a variety of tricksy hypothetical scenarios. 4 00:00:43,643 --> 00:00:45,243 Let's meet today's guests. 5 00:00:45,243 --> 00:00:47,923 On my right, it's Jo Brand and Bill Bailey. 6 00:00:47,923 --> 00:00:50,563 (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) 7 00:00:51,923 --> 00:00:56,043 And up against them, it's Darren Harriott and Harriet Kemsley. 8 00:00:56,043 --> 00:00:58,163 (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) 9 00:00:59,483 --> 00:01:03,163 But now it's time to introduce my co-host and arbiter of Hypotheticals, 10 00:01:03,163 --> 00:01:05,563 a man who, year-on-year, prevents me from winning 11 00:01:05,563 --> 00:01:07,763 Hottest Strawberry Blonde at the Comedy Awards. 12 00:01:07,763 --> 00:01:09,403 It's James Acaster. 13 00:01:09,403 --> 00:01:12,603 (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) 14 00:01:23,683 --> 00:01:25,723 Happy with that prop to come on with? 15 00:01:25,723 --> 00:01:27,843 Very happy with it. Let's get on with the show. 16 00:01:27,843 --> 00:01:29,603 (LAUGHTER) 17 00:01:29,603 --> 00:01:32,243 Now, before we start, we need some team names. 18 00:01:32,243 --> 00:01:33,843 Jo and Bill, what have you come up with? 19 00:01:33,843 --> 00:01:35,803 Um, Fun-mongers. 20 00:01:35,803 --> 00:01:37,883 - Fun-mongers. - Cause we love fun. 21 00:01:37,883 --> 00:01:39,723 We mong fun. 22 00:01:39,723 --> 00:01:41,443 (LAUGHTER) 23 00:01:41,443 --> 00:01:42,923 What is monging? 24 00:01:42,923 --> 00:01:46,083 Monging is selling or purveying in a retail sense. 25 00:01:46,083 --> 00:01:47,763 - Thank you, Bill. - Thank you. 26 00:01:47,763 --> 00:01:51,363 (LAUGHTER) 27 00:01:51,363 --> 00:01:53,803 Darren and Harriott, what have you gone for? 28 00:01:53,803 --> 00:01:57,763 Um, well, we combined the Harriets - 29 00:01:57,763 --> 00:02:01,763 'cause my name is Harriet, and Darren's name is Harriott, or Darren's surname. 30 00:02:01,763 --> 00:02:05,483 His name is Darren, but his surname is Harriott. 31 00:02:05,483 --> 00:02:07,163 This is where the magic happens. 32 00:02:07,163 --> 00:02:09,283 My surname is spelled I, O, double T. 33 00:02:09,283 --> 00:02:11,443 Harriet's is spelled I, E, T. 34 00:02:11,443 --> 00:02:13,843 So, we sort of combined that together 35 00:02:13,843 --> 00:02:16,323 to make Harrieott. 36 00:02:17,603 --> 00:02:20,003 (LAUGHTER) 37 00:02:21,243 --> 00:02:22,843 Sorry, I turned round and I remembered 38 00:02:22,843 --> 00:02:24,203 you're in a rubber ring still. 39 00:02:25,363 --> 00:02:26,923 Never forget. 40 00:02:26,923 --> 00:02:29,883 We've met our teams, let's find out what they're playing for. James? 41 00:02:29,883 --> 00:02:33,163 This week's Hypothetical prizes are a vacuum-packed vacuum cleaner, 42 00:02:33,163 --> 00:02:35,683 a clothes peg for your nose, a nose peg for your clothes 43 00:02:35,683 --> 00:02:38,403 and a lingering look from a hot barista. 44 00:02:38,403 --> 00:02:39,843 (LAUGHTER) 45 00:02:39,843 --> 00:02:41,483 Our first round is What Would You Do? 46 00:02:44,883 --> 00:02:47,283 James, how many points are up for grabs? 47 00:02:47,283 --> 00:02:48,643 I'll be awarding up to five points, 48 00:02:48,643 --> 00:02:50,483 depending on how they deal with the scenario, 49 00:02:50,483 --> 00:02:52,523 from one, you're in a bad place right now, 50 00:02:52,523 --> 00:02:54,763 up to five, you're in the best place in the world right now, 51 00:02:54,763 --> 00:02:57,643 AKA the window seat of Nando's, Kettering. 52 00:02:58,803 --> 00:03:00,563 The first question is a head to head. 53 00:03:00,563 --> 00:03:02,283 The winning team gets the points. 54 00:03:02,283 --> 00:03:04,643 Jo, you'll be representing Fun-mongers, 55 00:03:04,643 --> 00:03:07,563 and Harriet, you'll be playing for Harrieott. 56 00:03:07,563 --> 00:03:08,923 You know you've truly made it 57 00:03:08,923 --> 00:03:11,283 when you appear on the front of a magazine. 58 00:03:11,283 --> 00:03:12,963 Yeah, check this out. 59 00:03:14,363 --> 00:03:15,883 (LAUGHTER) 60 00:03:15,883 --> 00:03:17,443 JAMES: Best day of my life. 61 00:03:17,443 --> 00:03:21,363 So, you have a month to get yourself on the front cover 62 00:03:21,363 --> 00:03:24,043 of one of the following three magazines. 63 00:03:24,043 --> 00:03:26,363 Muscle and Fitness UK... 64 00:03:26,363 --> 00:03:27,803 Yeah. 65 00:03:27,803 --> 00:03:29,603 (LAUGHTER) 66 00:03:29,603 --> 00:03:32,883 ..Vogue or National Geographic. 67 00:03:32,883 --> 00:03:34,763 James, the rules. 68 00:03:34,763 --> 00:03:36,603 The cover must feature an identifiable picture of you. 69 00:03:36,603 --> 00:03:37,843 BILL: Right. 70 00:03:37,843 --> 00:03:42,043 Loser appears on the front of next month's edition of Loser Monthly. 71 00:03:42,043 --> 00:03:45,883 So, Harriet, which of three magazines do you think? 72 00:03:45,883 --> 00:03:48,083 Muscle and Fitness UK, Vogue or National Geographic? 73 00:03:48,083 --> 00:03:52,363 I think my highest chance is National Geographic. 74 00:03:52,363 --> 00:03:54,083 Are you good at geography? 75 00:03:54,083 --> 00:03:55,323 No. 76 00:03:55,323 --> 00:03:59,563 So, I would have to get lost somewhere geographic. 77 00:03:59,563 --> 00:04:00,763 OK. 78 00:04:00,763 --> 00:04:02,603 (LAUGHTER) 79 00:04:02,603 --> 00:04:05,043 So, where are you ruling out that isn't geographic? 80 00:04:05,043 --> 00:04:06,483 Kettering. 81 00:04:06,483 --> 00:04:08,323 Um, so... 82 00:04:08,323 --> 00:04:10,443 (LAUGHTER) 83 00:04:12,683 --> 00:04:15,963 So, I have to leave Kettering and go somewhere, 84 00:04:15,963 --> 00:04:18,083 like, somewhere... it's either got to have, 85 00:04:18,083 --> 00:04:20,283 like, a penguin or a rainforest. 86 00:04:20,283 --> 00:04:22,363 They're always on the cover, aren't they? 87 00:04:22,363 --> 00:04:24,723 - Yeah, that's pretty geographic. - Yeah. 88 00:04:24,723 --> 00:04:29,523 So, maybe, maybe if I, like, raise some penguins. 89 00:04:29,523 --> 00:04:31,603 By "raise", what do you mean? 90 00:04:32,723 --> 00:04:35,603 - JAMES: Yeah. - Well, teach them...skills. 91 00:04:35,603 --> 00:04:37,043 Life skills. 92 00:04:37,043 --> 00:04:39,723 Things like...maths. 93 00:04:39,723 --> 00:04:44,123 Penguins are ahead of... they're very smart. 94 00:04:44,123 --> 00:04:45,683 That's true, isn't it? 95 00:04:45,683 --> 00:04:46,883 - They are very underrated. - Yeah. 96 00:04:46,883 --> 00:04:49,643 You're an animal expert, Bill. 97 00:04:49,643 --> 00:04:51,043 - Well, yeah. - (LAUGHS) 98 00:04:51,043 --> 00:04:52,123 - Yeah. - Sorry. 99 00:04:52,123 --> 00:04:53,763 All right. OK. 100 00:04:53,763 --> 00:04:55,323 Jo laughed openly at that. 101 00:04:55,323 --> 00:04:56,963 - Sorry, Bill. - What? 102 00:04:56,963 --> 00:04:59,563 "Expert" is a little bit out of the... 103 00:04:59,563 --> 00:05:01,363 - All right. - You love animals. 104 00:05:01,363 --> 00:05:03,203 Enthusiast, then. All right, enthusiast. 105 00:05:03,203 --> 00:05:05,243 Yeah, "enthusiast" is much better. 106 00:05:05,243 --> 00:05:06,363 JAMES: Yeah, yeah. 107 00:05:06,363 --> 00:05:08,923 God, apparently, that's it. All right, the team is cracking already. 108 00:05:08,923 --> 00:05:10,763 (LAUGHTER) 109 00:05:10,763 --> 00:05:13,883 This is why normally you only book one national treasure an episode, 110 00:05:13,883 --> 00:05:16,363 because the rest of us would go, "You're a genius, you're amazing," 111 00:05:16,363 --> 00:05:19,483 but if you book two, the other one goes, "They're not all that. Come on, mate." 112 00:05:19,483 --> 00:05:21,763 - (LAUGHTER) - Er, well, I like animals. 113 00:05:21,763 --> 00:05:23,403 We have got a lot of animals at home. 114 00:05:23,403 --> 00:05:25,683 I could see myself on National Geographic. 115 00:05:25,683 --> 00:05:28,043 That would be something which I would... 116 00:05:28,043 --> 00:05:30,243 I wouldn't be raising penguins. 117 00:05:30,243 --> 00:05:34,363 Perhaps discover a new sort of... a new kind of creature, 118 00:05:34,363 --> 00:05:36,523 maybe sort of somewhere between a primate and a human, 119 00:05:36,523 --> 00:05:38,123 that I could represent. 120 00:05:38,123 --> 00:05:41,283 Oh, so you're gonna present yourself as, like, this missing link. 121 00:05:41,283 --> 00:05:43,523 Yes, that's basically what I was gonna do, yes. 122 00:05:43,523 --> 00:05:45,843 This is a question for Jo, 123 00:05:45,843 --> 00:05:48,883 but that could be helpful for Jo, if you... 124 00:05:48,883 --> 00:05:51,043 - What? - That has helped me a lot. 125 00:05:51,043 --> 00:05:52,483 Has it? 126 00:05:52,483 --> 00:05:54,243 (LAUGHTER) 127 00:05:54,243 --> 00:05:56,043 Have you got any thoughts on which you'd go for? 128 00:05:56,043 --> 00:05:58,763 Yeah, I'm afraid, I know everyone has gone for National Geographic, 129 00:05:58,763 --> 00:06:00,283 but I would as well. 130 00:06:00,283 --> 00:06:02,363 - Yeah. - I'd represent a country. 131 00:06:02,363 --> 00:06:06,043 I would put a white sheet over me, cut out a hole for my face 132 00:06:06,043 --> 00:06:07,563 and be Alaska. 133 00:06:07,563 --> 00:06:10,123 (LAUGHTER) 134 00:06:10,123 --> 00:06:12,483 I'm very relieved that that's where that landed. 135 00:06:12,483 --> 00:06:15,243 (LAUGHTER) 136 00:06:15,243 --> 00:06:17,923 I got really nervous for a second. 137 00:06:17,923 --> 00:06:19,763 (LAUGHTER) 138 00:06:19,763 --> 00:06:21,763 I turn round and Darren's gone. 139 00:06:21,763 --> 00:06:24,283 (LAUGHTER) 140 00:06:25,563 --> 00:06:28,563 Bill would say he's the missing link and you've found him. 141 00:06:28,563 --> 00:06:30,163 You've discovered him as a... 142 00:06:30,163 --> 00:06:32,963 Yeah, I'll just lurk about at the back, like... 143 00:06:34,163 --> 00:06:36,163 I could be the missing link. 144 00:06:36,163 --> 00:06:38,043 - Yeah, I think you could, too. - Yeah. 145 00:06:38,043 --> 00:06:39,763 Oh, cheers. 146 00:06:39,763 --> 00:06:42,003 (LAUGHTER) 147 00:06:43,163 --> 00:06:45,483 So, it would be the woman who discovered the missing link. 148 00:06:45,483 --> 00:06:46,483 Yeah. 149 00:06:46,483 --> 00:06:49,203 Harriet, so what are you thinking for your...? 150 00:06:49,203 --> 00:06:51,483 Was I not clear? 151 00:06:51,483 --> 00:06:53,123 - Yeah. - (LAUGHTER) 152 00:06:54,163 --> 00:06:56,723 If Harriet was living with the penguins, 153 00:06:56,723 --> 00:06:59,123 teaching them to do stuff, becoming penguin-ish herself... 154 00:06:59,123 --> 00:07:00,123 JOSH: Yeah. 155 00:07:00,123 --> 00:07:02,563 ..there's no way that wouldn't get on the front of National Geographic. 156 00:07:02,563 --> 00:07:04,443 How do you feel about...? 157 00:07:04,443 --> 00:07:06,963 Er, with this one, I would worry a little bit, 158 00:07:06,963 --> 00:07:08,723 saying we've found the missing link, 159 00:07:08,723 --> 00:07:12,163 and everyone immediately goes, "That's Bill Bailey." 160 00:07:12,163 --> 00:07:13,643 (LAUGHTER) 161 00:07:13,643 --> 00:07:15,443 Yeah, but that's the whole thing about missing links. 162 00:07:15,443 --> 00:07:17,643 - We hide in plain sight. - Oh, yeah, that's good. 163 00:07:17,643 --> 00:07:19,523 I mean, I did have a DNA test, 164 00:07:19,523 --> 00:07:21,843 through the National Geographic, actually, 165 00:07:21,843 --> 00:07:25,563 and it came back that I was 2.8% neanderthal, 166 00:07:25,563 --> 00:07:28,843 and so there is...it's feasible. 167 00:07:28,843 --> 00:07:30,843 - That is feasible. - Yes. - JOSH: It's feasible. 168 00:07:30,843 --> 00:07:32,443 - Yeah. - JOSH: Well done. 169 00:07:32,443 --> 00:07:34,603 - Thanks. - (LAUGHTER) 170 00:07:34,603 --> 00:07:38,643 James, how do you want to kind of work out 171 00:07:38,643 --> 00:07:39,963 which you think is the better idea? 172 00:07:39,963 --> 00:07:42,003 Well, I guess they should probably have a chat with the editor 173 00:07:42,003 --> 00:07:43,323 of the National Geographic, right? 174 00:07:43,323 --> 00:07:44,963 - Yeah, that's a good idea. - That makes sense. 175 00:07:44,963 --> 00:07:46,763 Have you got any props to help with that? 176 00:07:46,763 --> 00:07:48,083 Yeah, they're right there. Oh, yeah. 177 00:07:48,083 --> 00:07:50,483 Right, James, do you want to play the editor of National Geographic? 178 00:07:50,483 --> 00:07:52,723 I would love to, thank you very much. 179 00:07:52,723 --> 00:07:56,003 And who would you like to see first? 180 00:07:56,003 --> 00:08:00,243 Er, I would like to hear a pitch from Harriet Kemsley, please. 181 00:08:00,243 --> 00:08:01,803 DARREN: You got this, Harriet. 182 00:08:02,883 --> 00:08:04,803 - I believe in you. - OK. 183 00:08:04,803 --> 00:08:06,283 OK. 184 00:08:08,603 --> 00:08:11,003 Send her in, if she can find her way in, that is. 185 00:08:11,003 --> 00:08:12,243 (LAUGHTER) 186 00:08:12,243 --> 00:08:14,003 Where's the door? I don't know. 187 00:08:14,003 --> 00:08:15,043 JOSH: There... 188 00:08:15,043 --> 00:08:17,563 - I just walk? - No, don't help her. - JOSH: You don't need... 189 00:08:17,563 --> 00:08:19,283 - Find the door, Harriet. - Don't help her. 190 00:08:19,283 --> 00:08:20,923 She can't find the door. 191 00:08:20,923 --> 00:08:22,763 No, I thought I might have to... 192 00:08:25,763 --> 00:08:27,443 Struggling with buildings, huh? 193 00:08:27,443 --> 00:08:29,323 Where have you been living the past year? 194 00:08:29,323 --> 00:08:30,803 (LAUGHTER) 195 00:08:32,603 --> 00:08:34,883 - Hello. - Hello. 196 00:08:34,883 --> 00:08:35,883 I need a cover story. 197 00:08:35,883 --> 00:08:39,443 Have you ever heard of something called a penguin? 198 00:08:39,443 --> 00:08:41,163 - Yeah. - (LAUGHTER) 199 00:08:41,163 --> 00:08:44,803 We're National Geographic. We kind of invented them. 200 00:08:44,803 --> 00:08:49,683 Well, do you know any...have you ever had one that does maths? 201 00:08:49,683 --> 00:08:51,843 That's impossible. 202 00:08:51,843 --> 00:08:54,763 Our resident penguin expert, Bill Bailey, says it's impossible. 203 00:08:54,763 --> 00:08:56,323 (LAUGHTER) 204 00:08:56,323 --> 00:08:58,603 You can't listen to him, he's part-neanderthal. 205 00:08:58,603 --> 00:09:00,363 - (LAUGHTER) - What?! 206 00:09:00,363 --> 00:09:03,083 Yeah, you mustn't... you mustn't listen to him. 207 00:09:03,083 --> 00:09:04,843 Man, that's a cover story! 208 00:09:04,843 --> 00:09:06,323 (LAUGHTER) 209 00:09:06,323 --> 00:09:07,923 Sounds great. 210 00:09:09,283 --> 00:09:10,723 Well, thank you. 211 00:09:10,723 --> 00:09:13,803 (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) 212 00:09:22,563 --> 00:09:23,763 Yeah. 213 00:09:23,763 --> 00:09:25,523 Yeah, my previous meeting just tipped me off 214 00:09:25,523 --> 00:09:27,603 that there's a much more interesting story. 215 00:09:27,603 --> 00:09:29,203 I would like you to find them. 216 00:09:29,203 --> 00:09:32,083 Find Bill Bailey and his handler and send them in. 217 00:09:32,083 --> 00:09:34,243 (LAUGHTER) 218 00:09:34,243 --> 00:09:36,443 - BILL: Well... - Not the first person to say that. 219 00:09:36,443 --> 00:09:38,883 (LAUGHTER) 220 00:09:48,683 --> 00:09:50,203 Do you want to sit down? 221 00:09:50,203 --> 00:09:51,243 Eh?! 222 00:09:51,243 --> 00:09:53,403 - (LAUGHTER) - What? 223 00:09:56,803 --> 00:09:58,243 Fascinating. 224 00:09:58,243 --> 00:09:59,803 (LAUGHTER) 225 00:10:02,603 --> 00:10:04,443 - Hello. - Hello, there. 226 00:10:04,443 --> 00:10:07,723 This pitch is brief. I'm an expert on evolution. 227 00:10:07,723 --> 00:10:10,483 As you know, evolution is a combination 228 00:10:10,483 --> 00:10:12,803 of pragmatic conservatism... 229 00:10:12,803 --> 00:10:14,003 Yeah. 230 00:10:14,003 --> 00:10:16,283 - ..and radical chance. - Uh-huh. 231 00:10:16,283 --> 00:10:19,163 And weirdly, in the same week, 232 00:10:19,163 --> 00:10:21,483 radical chance threw up 233 00:10:21,483 --> 00:10:26,083 an opportunity to introduce you to the missing link. 234 00:10:26,083 --> 00:10:27,603 - All right? - Hello. 235 00:10:27,603 --> 00:10:29,643 (LAUGHTER) 236 00:10:29,643 --> 00:10:31,203 This is the missing link. 237 00:10:31,203 --> 00:10:32,803 I initially toyed with the idea, 238 00:10:32,803 --> 00:10:34,283 'cause I did have someone 239 00:10:34,283 --> 00:10:37,163 who I thought was 96% neanderthal. 240 00:10:37,163 --> 00:10:38,243 Yeah. 241 00:10:38,243 --> 00:10:40,083 But my husband is refusing to come. 242 00:10:40,083 --> 00:10:43,163 - So... - (LAUGHTER) 243 00:10:43,163 --> 00:10:45,603 ..we have Bill here, 244 00:10:45,603 --> 00:10:49,603 who is 2.8% neanderthal. 245 00:10:49,603 --> 00:10:51,723 - Oh. - 2.8. 246 00:10:51,723 --> 00:10:53,323 - 2.8? - Get in. 247 00:10:53,323 --> 00:10:54,923 JAMES: Whoa. 248 00:10:54,923 --> 00:10:58,283 Can I give him something to calm him down? 249 00:10:58,283 --> 00:11:00,563 I've got a protein shake. Do you want that? 250 00:11:00,563 --> 00:11:02,203 - Oh, yes! - There you go. 251 00:11:02,203 --> 00:11:03,683 What? 252 00:11:03,683 --> 00:11:05,763 (LAUGHTER) 253 00:11:05,763 --> 00:11:08,883 I haven't got any strength to... Oh, yes! 254 00:11:10,043 --> 00:11:11,523 Sorry. 255 00:11:11,523 --> 00:11:13,643 If you give him protein shakes he calms down. 256 00:11:13,643 --> 00:11:15,843 Yeah, just rack it up on the side there. 257 00:11:15,843 --> 00:11:18,563 (LAUGHTER) 258 00:11:23,443 --> 00:11:29,363 But we felt his character would come across very strongly 259 00:11:29,363 --> 00:11:31,203 at a photo shoot. 260 00:11:31,203 --> 00:11:33,523 I tell you what, let's do a photo shoot right now. 261 00:11:33,523 --> 00:11:35,643 If you go up against that green screen, you two. 262 00:11:35,643 --> 00:11:36,803 All right. 263 00:11:36,803 --> 00:11:40,643 I'd love to do a little test, see if the camera loves you. 264 00:11:40,643 --> 00:11:42,003 OK, here we go. 265 00:11:42,003 --> 00:11:43,683 - BILL: Ready? - Yeah. 266 00:11:43,683 --> 00:11:44,843 Work it. 267 00:11:46,003 --> 00:11:47,083 Oh, yeah. 268 00:11:48,203 --> 00:11:50,043 - That's it. - Is that the one? 269 00:11:50,043 --> 00:11:51,163 You're dancing. 270 00:11:51,163 --> 00:11:53,523 JO: I'm not fucking even in this, though. 271 00:11:53,523 --> 00:11:56,323 Yeah, you snooze you lose, baby. 272 00:11:56,323 --> 00:12:00,283 (APPLAUSE) 273 00:12:04,163 --> 00:12:06,083 It says that's the Jo Brand issue. 274 00:12:06,083 --> 00:12:09,443 It's your name. Your name's on it. 275 00:12:09,443 --> 00:12:11,803 What more do you want? 276 00:12:11,803 --> 00:12:13,243 Look like you've just been discovered. 277 00:12:14,963 --> 00:12:16,763 (LAUGHTER) 278 00:12:18,403 --> 00:12:19,923 You're gonna be a star. 279 00:12:19,923 --> 00:12:22,003 (APPLAUSE) 280 00:12:26,123 --> 00:12:27,763 JOSH: Whew! Phewy! 281 00:12:27,763 --> 00:12:29,883 - Blimey, James. - Yeah. 282 00:12:29,883 --> 00:12:32,803 It's a difficult one to choose who got the points there, 283 00:12:32,803 --> 00:12:35,443 but I've got a feeling it's neither of the people that were competing. 284 00:12:35,443 --> 00:12:37,403 (LAUGHTER) 285 00:12:37,403 --> 00:12:39,043 It's difficult, isn't it? 286 00:12:39,043 --> 00:12:40,883 Because it was meant to be the Jo Brand issue. 287 00:12:40,883 --> 00:12:42,323 Oh, that's all right. 288 00:12:42,323 --> 00:12:44,123 Jo was meant to get herself on the front cover, 289 00:12:44,123 --> 00:12:46,683 and in the end, Bill was on the front. 290 00:12:48,563 --> 00:12:51,403 Although he has rocketed to superstardom. It was a huge story. 291 00:12:51,403 --> 00:12:53,283 JOSH: So, who are you gonna give the points to, James? 292 00:12:53,283 --> 00:12:55,003 I have to give it to Jo and Bill. Four points. 293 00:12:55,003 --> 00:12:58,003 - Four points. - Yes! High five. 294 00:12:58,003 --> 00:13:00,563 It's time for James's Wishlist. 295 00:13:00,563 --> 00:13:04,683 # James's Wishlist, wish upon a star. # 296 00:13:04,683 --> 00:13:07,083 In this round, we're gonna be picking something 297 00:13:07,083 --> 00:13:08,883 from James's ever-growing list of dreams, 298 00:13:08,883 --> 00:13:11,483 and our panellists are gonna tell us how they'd make it happen. 299 00:13:11,483 --> 00:13:14,363 This is a head to head for Bill and Darren. 300 00:13:14,363 --> 00:13:17,483 Best answer gets up to five points. 301 00:13:17,483 --> 00:13:20,723 James, do you want to give us a clue what the hypothetical might be? 302 00:13:20,723 --> 00:13:23,403 Yeah. Take a look at this little clue for you. 303 00:13:23,403 --> 00:13:24,963 What is my dream? 304 00:13:26,403 --> 00:13:27,563 Any guesses? 305 00:13:27,563 --> 00:13:28,803 Take your top off. 306 00:13:28,803 --> 00:13:30,363 (LAUGHTER) 307 00:13:30,363 --> 00:13:32,643 After the... Not now, Harriet. 308 00:13:33,843 --> 00:13:37,603 I'm excited to announce that I've pumped all my Mock the Week money 309 00:13:37,603 --> 00:13:41,403 into building a new waterpark in Kettering called Pond World. 310 00:13:41,403 --> 00:13:42,963 There's just one problem. 311 00:13:42,963 --> 00:13:45,603 I forgot to order any water. 312 00:13:45,603 --> 00:13:48,803 So, for my wish list this week, 313 00:13:48,803 --> 00:13:52,043 you have to get me as much water as possible 314 00:13:52,043 --> 00:13:54,803 before the grand opening in 24 hours. 315 00:13:54,803 --> 00:13:59,723 OK, rules are the park opens with a spectacular high dive from Tom Daley, 316 00:13:59,723 --> 00:14:02,203 which would ideally be into water. 317 00:14:02,203 --> 00:14:04,283 We're on a very tight budget, 318 00:14:04,283 --> 00:14:06,323 so you can't just buy the water, 319 00:14:06,323 --> 00:14:08,403 and also it can be any type of water you like, 320 00:14:08,403 --> 00:14:11,843 still or sparkling, or that weird flavoured one that's drunk by idiots. 321 00:14:11,843 --> 00:14:13,443 (LAUGHTER) 322 00:14:13,443 --> 00:14:15,723 This is a very specific point, though. 323 00:14:15,723 --> 00:14:20,163 Pond World, to me, I'm sort of a little bit obsessive 324 00:14:20,163 --> 00:14:21,923 about the nomenclature - 325 00:14:21,923 --> 00:14:24,163 see, that, to me, would suggest ponds. 326 00:14:24,163 --> 00:14:25,283 Yeah. 327 00:14:25,283 --> 00:14:28,403 But none of this splashing around in a tube. 328 00:14:28,403 --> 00:14:29,923 It's pond themed. 329 00:14:29,923 --> 00:14:34,243 So, like, every single slide and ride that you can go on 330 00:14:34,243 --> 00:14:36,123 feels like you're in a big garden pond. 331 00:14:36,123 --> 00:14:37,523 But with fish and weed? 332 00:14:37,523 --> 00:14:39,323 Yeah, yeah, there's, like, 333 00:14:39,323 --> 00:14:41,603 little animatronic fish going through the water, 334 00:14:41,603 --> 00:14:43,523 maybe a garden gnome there, with a fishing rod. 335 00:14:43,523 --> 00:14:47,123 - Some frogs? - You feel like you're a tiny little newt going through a magical world. 336 00:14:47,123 --> 00:14:49,523 Imagine what being in a garden pond is like for a newt. 337 00:14:49,523 --> 00:14:50,883 It must feel like a massive water park. 338 00:14:50,883 --> 00:14:52,203 - It must be terrifying. - Yeah, yeah. 339 00:14:52,203 --> 00:14:54,363 And that's what I want the people of Kettering to feel like. 340 00:14:54,363 --> 00:14:55,723 (LAUGHTER) 341 00:14:55,723 --> 00:14:57,083 So you want them to be terrified? 342 00:14:57,083 --> 00:14:59,163 Imagine yourself, you're an aquatic beast, 343 00:14:59,163 --> 00:15:01,243 you're being threatened by a heron. Is there giant herons? 344 00:15:01,243 --> 00:15:03,123 Yeah, every hour on the hour - you know how, sometimes, 345 00:15:03,123 --> 00:15:05,283 in the swimming pool, there's a wave machine every hour. 346 00:15:05,283 --> 00:15:06,323 Yeah, yeah. 347 00:15:06,323 --> 00:15:08,763 With us, there's just a giant beak comes out of the sky 348 00:15:08,763 --> 00:15:11,123 and skewers random punters. 349 00:15:11,123 --> 00:15:13,283 (LAUGHTER) 350 00:15:13,283 --> 00:15:14,843 And you don't know if it's gonna be you or not. 351 00:15:14,843 --> 00:15:18,443 I actually dropped a baby in a pond once. 352 00:15:19,723 --> 00:15:21,883 Me and my brother were looking after a baby. 353 00:15:21,883 --> 00:15:24,723 - Yes. - And it was a very hot day, 354 00:15:24,723 --> 00:15:27,763 and I leant over to dip the baby's feet in and dropped it. 355 00:15:27,763 --> 00:15:29,083 What, like Michael Jackson? 356 00:15:29,083 --> 00:15:30,803 Like Michael Jackson? 357 00:15:30,803 --> 00:15:32,323 With Blanky. Oh, yeah, he nearly dropped... 358 00:15:32,323 --> 00:15:34,403 Oh, right. Yeah, but that wasn't a pond, was it? 359 00:15:34,403 --> 00:15:35,843 That was the pavement. 360 00:15:35,843 --> 00:15:37,563 (LAUGHTER) 361 00:15:37,563 --> 00:15:40,843 A very different thing. 362 00:15:40,843 --> 00:15:44,003 OK, Darren, what are you thinking for sourcing this water? 363 00:15:44,003 --> 00:15:46,323 Can you put water in a hoover? 364 00:15:46,323 --> 00:15:47,723 - In a what? - Hoover. 365 00:15:47,723 --> 00:15:49,323 - Yeah. - I thought you said an Uber. 366 00:15:49,323 --> 00:15:51,363 (LAUGHTER) 367 00:15:51,363 --> 00:15:54,563 They'll take anything, those guys. 368 00:15:54,563 --> 00:15:56,723 Three stars. He filled it full of water. 369 00:15:56,723 --> 00:15:58,083 Um, in a hoover? 370 00:15:58,083 --> 00:16:00,763 Yeah, I'm thinking of collecting water in like a hoover. 371 00:16:00,763 --> 00:16:02,483 - Yeah? - I'm thinking, like, maybe something 372 00:16:02,483 --> 00:16:04,563 like a big balloon, you know, like, an air balloon? 373 00:16:04,563 --> 00:16:06,683 If you could fill one of them with water, and just drag it. 374 00:16:06,683 --> 00:16:08,323 - Or a camel. - Or an elephant. 375 00:16:08,323 --> 00:16:09,603 They spit water out. 376 00:16:09,603 --> 00:16:12,483 How many camels are there in Kettering? 377 00:16:12,483 --> 00:16:14,523 Er, zero currently. 378 00:16:14,523 --> 00:16:17,483 OK. What are you thinking about a camel? 379 00:16:17,483 --> 00:16:18,883 It's gonna store it all in its humps? 380 00:16:18,883 --> 00:16:20,763 - They store water in their humps. - They can store water. 381 00:16:20,763 --> 00:16:23,123 And what are you gonna do, murder the camel for its water? 382 00:16:23,123 --> 00:16:24,643 (LAUGHTER) 383 00:16:24,643 --> 00:16:26,163 Just put a little tap in the hump. 384 00:16:26,163 --> 00:16:27,883 Like a wine box. 385 00:16:27,883 --> 00:16:29,243 Yeah, like a wine box. Yeah. 386 00:16:29,243 --> 00:16:31,883 I'm trying to think of how we can make it a bit more, 387 00:16:31,883 --> 00:16:33,883 get a bit more water for our buck, you know? 388 00:16:33,883 --> 00:16:34,883 Yeah. 389 00:16:34,883 --> 00:16:38,483 Like, maybe could we have, like, some sort of bubble bath or something? 390 00:16:38,483 --> 00:16:40,883 - Yeah. - Yeah, like a big foamy Pond World. 391 00:16:40,883 --> 00:16:42,603 - Yeah, a big foam party. - Yeah. 392 00:16:42,603 --> 00:16:44,203 Foam machine. 393 00:16:44,203 --> 00:16:46,123 Well, I'll let you think on, on the foam machine, 394 00:16:46,123 --> 00:16:49,163 because, Bill, what are your kind of initial thoughts? 395 00:16:49,163 --> 00:16:53,763 I'm going down a different route with this water, I'm afraid. 396 00:16:53,763 --> 00:16:57,483 I spent some time with the Navajo people, and, they... 397 00:16:57,483 --> 00:16:59,123 (LAUGHS) 398 00:16:59,123 --> 00:17:01,043 - What? - That's a great intro for... 399 00:17:01,043 --> 00:17:02,443 I have. 400 00:17:02,443 --> 00:17:06,403 I, I spent some time with them, and they do a rain dance. 401 00:17:06,403 --> 00:17:07,683 - Yeah? - Right? 402 00:17:07,683 --> 00:17:11,003 So I'd get the Navajo people to come to Kettering 403 00:17:11,003 --> 00:17:13,843 and set up a camp in your Pond World, 404 00:17:13,843 --> 00:17:17,043 and they would do a rain dance every day, and then they could sponsor it. 405 00:17:17,043 --> 00:17:19,043 It would be the Navajo Pond. 406 00:17:19,043 --> 00:17:20,163 Yeah. 407 00:17:20,163 --> 00:17:23,203 And every day, they would make it rain over Pond World. 408 00:17:23,203 --> 00:17:25,923 Oh, I didn't know we could use spells! 409 00:17:25,923 --> 00:17:27,083 (LAUGHTER) 410 00:17:27,083 --> 00:17:29,683 All right, well, I'd get Harry Potter to do the spell of rain. 411 00:17:29,683 --> 00:17:31,363 - But you don't know Harry Potter. - I... 412 00:17:31,363 --> 00:17:32,603 Bill, I don't know if you heard, 413 00:17:32,603 --> 00:17:34,323 has spent some time with the Navajo people. 414 00:17:34,323 --> 00:17:36,243 - I've spent some time... - (LAUGHTER) 415 00:17:36,243 --> 00:17:39,603 And when they did the rain dance, did it make it rain? 416 00:17:39,603 --> 00:17:41,043 - Yeah. - Did it? 417 00:17:41,043 --> 00:17:42,723 It did. It worked. 418 00:17:42,723 --> 00:17:44,923 Did it actually? Did that not blow your mind? 419 00:17:44,923 --> 00:17:46,603 That would absolutely blow my mind. 420 00:17:46,603 --> 00:17:48,843 It was quite cloudy, but... 421 00:17:48,843 --> 00:17:51,323 (LAUGHTER) 422 00:17:51,323 --> 00:17:53,283 I mean, I'm prepared to go with it. 423 00:17:53,283 --> 00:17:56,683 Um, James, I mean, I think Bill's is solid as a rock, isn't it? 424 00:17:56,683 --> 00:17:58,803 - Sounds pretty solid, actually, yeah. - Yeah. 425 00:17:58,803 --> 00:18:00,963 Darren's is a bit more all over the place. 426 00:18:00,963 --> 00:18:03,963 It's a bit on shaky ground, so I think we're going to have to put it to the test. 427 00:18:03,963 --> 00:18:05,083 Yeah, OK. 428 00:18:05,083 --> 00:18:07,083 - Have we got any props for this? - Yeah, they're right there. 429 00:18:07,083 --> 00:18:09,563 Oh, yeah. Well, do you want to go down and, who do you want to be? 430 00:18:09,563 --> 00:18:12,523 Well, I think Darren should be working behind the desk there. 431 00:18:12,523 --> 00:18:14,963 Obviously you've just filled the whole water park full of water. 432 00:18:14,963 --> 00:18:18,403 And, let's see who pays a visit. 433 00:18:18,403 --> 00:18:19,843 OK, sure. 434 00:18:19,843 --> 00:18:24,203 Let me get my equipment together, if I may. 435 00:18:34,043 --> 00:18:35,523 - (CLEARS THROAT) - Oh, hi. 436 00:18:35,523 --> 00:18:37,043 - How you doing? - Hello. Just here to do the... 437 00:18:37,043 --> 00:18:39,123 Welcome to Kettering Water Pond. How are you doing today, sir? 438 00:18:39,123 --> 00:18:40,323 Yeah, good, thank you. 439 00:18:40,323 --> 00:18:42,323 Just here to do the health and safety check on the water park. 440 00:18:42,323 --> 00:18:43,803 Ah-ha-ha, of course you are. 441 00:18:43,803 --> 00:18:46,643 See that everything's up to standard, see that everything's safe and OK, 442 00:18:46,643 --> 00:18:49,723 legitimate and to the, usual water park stan... 443 00:18:49,723 --> 00:18:51,123 (SHOUTS) Health and safety! 444 00:18:51,123 --> 00:18:54,163 Carry on, sir. Just had to let everybody know that you're here. 445 00:18:57,483 --> 00:18:58,843 "Announced it." 446 00:18:58,843 --> 00:19:00,963 (LAUGHTER) 447 00:19:02,283 --> 00:19:04,763 Er, now I've been looking round the park. 448 00:19:04,763 --> 00:19:07,043 Um, a few questions. 449 00:19:07,043 --> 00:19:11,643 Um, some of the rides appear to be mainly consisting of foam. 450 00:19:11,643 --> 00:19:13,563 Yeah, yeah, we've got a few foam rides in. 451 00:19:13,563 --> 00:19:15,363 Yeah. People love foam. 452 00:19:15,363 --> 00:19:17,043 Who doesn't love a bit of foam? Well... 453 00:19:17,043 --> 00:19:19,723 Use foam for everything, shaving, partying, raving. 454 00:19:19,723 --> 00:19:21,563 - Ha-ha-ha. Water... - Do you do much...? 455 00:19:21,563 --> 00:19:23,723 - Water ponds. - Are people shaving here? 456 00:19:23,723 --> 00:19:25,963 (LAUGHTER) I mean... I mean... 457 00:19:25,963 --> 00:19:27,763 Have you got people shaving here? 458 00:19:27,763 --> 00:19:29,403 Let's be honest. 459 00:19:29,403 --> 00:19:31,043 You've been doing this a long time, I can tell. 460 00:19:31,043 --> 00:19:32,523 People do worse things in ponds. 461 00:19:32,523 --> 00:19:34,563 Yeah, oh, tell me about it. 462 00:19:34,563 --> 00:19:36,163 Not here though. Not here. Tell me about it. 463 00:19:36,163 --> 00:19:38,123 I've seen some people do some things in ponds, mate. 464 00:19:38,123 --> 00:19:40,003 I saw a woman drop a baby in a pond once. 465 00:19:40,003 --> 00:19:42,043 (LAUGHTER) 466 00:19:44,203 --> 00:19:47,363 So, why is there a massive pile of wet hoovers... 467 00:19:47,363 --> 00:19:48,763 (LAUGHTER) 468 00:19:48,763 --> 00:19:49,963 ..out by the bins? 469 00:19:49,963 --> 00:19:52,083 Oh, that's, that's the hoodlums, the kids. 470 00:19:52,083 --> 00:19:54,243 Oh, they love a hoover. 471 00:19:54,243 --> 00:19:55,323 Oh, do they? 472 00:19:55,323 --> 00:19:56,603 - Yeah, they... - What do the kids...? 473 00:19:56,603 --> 00:19:58,163 They think it's funny to bring hoovers in here. 474 00:19:58,163 --> 00:19:59,803 Kettering youths. Ohh... 475 00:19:59,803 --> 00:20:01,923 - You hate the youth? - Oh, I hate them. 476 00:20:01,923 --> 00:20:03,483 - OK. - Kettering youth. 477 00:20:03,483 --> 00:20:05,003 So, so... 478 00:20:05,003 --> 00:20:06,403 ..how long have you been a Tory for? 479 00:20:06,403 --> 00:20:08,443 (LAUGHTER) 480 00:20:09,723 --> 00:20:11,963 - Three years. - Oh, good on you. So, am I. 481 00:20:11,963 --> 00:20:13,403 This park's staying open. 482 00:20:13,403 --> 00:20:16,243 (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) 483 00:20:19,403 --> 00:20:23,003 JOSH: James, do you know what? 484 00:20:23,003 --> 00:20:25,123 He was more convincing than we thought he was gonna be. 485 00:20:25,123 --> 00:20:27,243 JAMES: He's a charming man. 486 00:20:27,243 --> 00:20:31,923 I felt very charmed the whole time, by the whole thing, and... 487 00:20:31,923 --> 00:20:35,003 I used to sell broadband on the street for a living before comedy, 488 00:20:35,003 --> 00:20:37,723 like, in the rain, outside Sainsbury's. 489 00:20:37,723 --> 00:20:41,283 So, I can sell anything, and keep a smile on. 490 00:20:41,283 --> 00:20:42,643 How do you sell it on the street? 491 00:20:42,643 --> 00:20:44,923 Oh, it's easy. "You got Internet?" "No." "Well, come here then." 492 00:20:44,923 --> 00:20:46,803 But how do you give it to them? 493 00:20:46,803 --> 00:20:49,403 (LAUGHTER) 494 00:20:51,283 --> 00:20:52,723 It's not... 495 00:20:55,203 --> 00:20:57,203 You thought I gave them the Internet there? 496 00:20:57,203 --> 00:20:59,363 - I don't know, I just. - What, in like a bag? 497 00:20:59,363 --> 00:21:02,483 "Here's two gig. There you go, mate, take care." 498 00:21:02,483 --> 00:21:06,043 James, has that affected the points? 499 00:21:06,043 --> 00:21:08,483 - Yes. - (LAUGHTER) 500 00:21:08,483 --> 00:21:10,203 What's just happened hasn't. 501 00:21:10,203 --> 00:21:12,443 Those two. 502 00:21:12,443 --> 00:21:17,123 Yeah, I've had a think about it, and here's the thing. 503 00:21:17,123 --> 00:21:20,403 - I love Bill's idea, and... - JOSH: It's a really nice idea. 504 00:21:20,403 --> 00:21:22,923 I would love to go to that park, 505 00:21:22,923 --> 00:21:25,203 but Darren was so charming that I can't deny 506 00:21:25,203 --> 00:21:27,083 he would get away with the inspection. 507 00:21:27,083 --> 00:21:28,883 So, I'm gonna have to give Darren the points. 508 00:21:28,883 --> 00:21:31,163 I'm gonna give him three points. JOSH: Three points! 509 00:21:31,163 --> 00:21:33,563 We'll take that. We'll take that, thank you. 510 00:21:33,563 --> 00:21:35,883 (APPLAUSE) 511 00:21:36,883 --> 00:21:38,523 Where does that leave the scores, James? 512 00:21:38,523 --> 00:21:40,803 That means Harrieott has three, 513 00:21:40,803 --> 00:21:43,403 whilst Fun-mongers are in the lead with four points. 514 00:21:43,403 --> 00:21:44,483 BILL: Yes. 515 00:21:45,893 --> 00:21:47,883 Next up, it's the Great Wall of Celebrities. 516 00:21:51,363 --> 00:21:53,683 Teams, you must take it in turns to pick a celeb 517 00:21:53,683 --> 00:21:56,123 and guess how they answered a tricky hypothetical. 518 00:21:56,123 --> 00:21:58,803 Each question is worth one juicy point. 519 00:21:58,803 --> 00:22:00,243 OK, what are you gonna go for? 520 00:22:00,243 --> 00:22:01,883 Harriet, shall we go with Angellica? 521 00:22:01,883 --> 00:22:04,043 - HARRIET: Let's go with Angellica. - JOSH: Angellica Bell. 522 00:22:04,043 --> 00:22:06,923 For a year, you can only wear one type of clothes. 523 00:22:06,923 --> 00:22:08,283 Which do you choose? 524 00:22:08,283 --> 00:22:09,643 Oh, God. 525 00:22:09,643 --> 00:22:12,283 (LAUGHTER) 526 00:22:12,283 --> 00:22:17,443 Really wet, really smelly, or really on fire. 527 00:22:20,083 --> 00:22:22,163 - I've met Angellica Bell. - Yeah? 528 00:22:22,163 --> 00:22:24,403 Um, and she smelt really nice. 529 00:22:24,403 --> 00:22:25,883 - I hugged her. - Yeah? 530 00:22:25,883 --> 00:22:27,683 She wasn't really wet. 531 00:22:27,683 --> 00:22:29,043 She wasn't on fire. 532 00:22:29,043 --> 00:22:31,123 No, but just to be clear, 533 00:22:31,123 --> 00:22:33,003 this didn't happen. 534 00:22:33,003 --> 00:22:34,603 (LAUGHTER) 535 00:22:34,603 --> 00:22:35,643 Oh. 536 00:22:35,643 --> 00:22:36,963 Let me just ask, sorry. 537 00:22:36,963 --> 00:22:38,243 You met Angellica Bell. 538 00:22:38,243 --> 00:22:40,643 Did she buy the broadband? 539 00:22:40,643 --> 00:22:43,403 (LAUGHTER) 540 00:22:43,403 --> 00:22:44,803 Any thoughts, Harriet? 541 00:22:44,803 --> 00:22:48,683 Well, I would have one wet sock and one fire sock, 542 00:22:48,683 --> 00:22:51,443 and then I'd put out my fire sock with my wet sock. 543 00:22:51,443 --> 00:22:53,523 - Or... - OK. 544 00:22:53,523 --> 00:22:55,963 (LAUGHTER) 545 00:22:55,963 --> 00:22:57,123 Or... 546 00:22:57,123 --> 00:22:58,723 You don't need to have one of each. 547 00:22:58,723 --> 00:23:00,683 No, she doesn't. 548 00:23:00,683 --> 00:23:01,923 But here we are. 549 00:23:01,923 --> 00:23:04,043 (LAUGHTER) 550 00:23:05,043 --> 00:23:07,323 We're just waiting to hear what garment stinks now. 551 00:23:07,323 --> 00:23:09,403 (LAUGHTER) 552 00:23:10,843 --> 00:23:12,563 OK. 553 00:23:12,563 --> 00:23:15,643 But I think we might go with really smelly. 554 00:23:15,643 --> 00:23:17,523 - What do you think? - Do you think smelly? 555 00:23:17,523 --> 00:23:19,123 She's gonna want to be smelly? No. 556 00:23:19,123 --> 00:23:21,563 - Well, really wet? - I'm sorry, Darren. 557 00:23:21,563 --> 00:23:23,323 - No. - What would you go with? 558 00:23:23,323 --> 00:23:24,803 No one wants to smell. 559 00:23:26,363 --> 00:23:28,083 - I think fire. - You... 560 00:23:28,083 --> 00:23:29,443 (LAUGHTER) 561 00:23:29,443 --> 00:23:31,963 You think she would really choose one item of clothing to... 562 00:23:31,963 --> 00:23:34,443 I would hate to smell. I'd rather be on fire. 563 00:23:34,443 --> 00:23:36,443 Like, I don't want to upset Darren, 564 00:23:36,443 --> 00:23:39,083 but I don't know if Darren knows what women want. 565 00:23:39,083 --> 00:23:41,883 (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) 566 00:23:43,883 --> 00:23:49,123 Well, let's see whether Darren knows what women want. 567 00:23:50,803 --> 00:23:52,843 Really on fire. Pwooh! 568 00:23:52,843 --> 00:23:55,403 (APPLAUSE) 569 00:23:58,523 --> 00:24:03,523 Great work, Harriet. What do I know? What do I know? 570 00:24:03,523 --> 00:24:05,523 I was surprised as well. 571 00:24:05,523 --> 00:24:07,563 (LAUGHTER) 572 00:24:08,803 --> 00:24:11,083 OK. Fun-mongers, who are you gonna pick? 573 00:24:12,283 --> 00:24:13,763 - Can we go with Susie? - Yeah. 574 00:24:13,763 --> 00:24:15,203 - Susie Dent. - Dent. 575 00:24:15,203 --> 00:24:17,843 For the rest of your life, we said to Susie Dent, 576 00:24:17,843 --> 00:24:21,443 you must crowbar one of these words into every sentence. 577 00:24:21,443 --> 00:24:27,323 A - Crow, B - bar, or C - crowbar. 578 00:24:28,843 --> 00:24:30,963 Which would you crowbar into every sentence? 579 00:24:30,963 --> 00:24:32,523 I reckon bar. 580 00:24:32,523 --> 00:24:34,043 We had a bloke come to the house once 581 00:24:34,043 --> 00:24:35,963 who had a very strange speech impediment. 582 00:24:35,963 --> 00:24:38,323 He said "bob" before every word. 583 00:24:38,323 --> 00:24:39,723 That was his speech impediment. 584 00:24:39,723 --> 00:24:45,083 "I just come down to bob bay 40, and, I'm just doing the bob work." 585 00:24:45,083 --> 00:24:48,683 So, I reckon you could get away with "bar" as a suffix to a word. 586 00:24:48,683 --> 00:24:51,643 So you could say, "I'm just nipping up the shops, bar." 587 00:24:51,643 --> 00:24:54,123 (LAUGHTER) 588 00:24:54,123 --> 00:24:57,563 You could. Also, "bar" is a much more flexible word, isn't it? 589 00:24:57,563 --> 00:24:58,603 Yeah. 590 00:24:58,603 --> 00:25:01,923 You could say, "You are the nicest person I've ever met, 591 00:25:01,923 --> 00:25:04,563 "bar 17 people I've met." 592 00:25:04,563 --> 00:25:06,563 (LAUGHTER) 593 00:25:06,563 --> 00:25:08,003 BILL: Yes. 594 00:25:08,003 --> 00:25:09,683 So there's lots of different bars. 595 00:25:09,683 --> 00:25:13,243 I think "bar" would be by far the easiest to get in. 596 00:25:13,243 --> 00:25:15,323 - Yeah. - Do you think Susie Dent will agree? 597 00:25:15,323 --> 00:25:16,523 Well, I don't know. 598 00:25:16,523 --> 00:25:20,563 I mean Susie is a purveyor of, sort of, interesting words. 599 00:25:20,563 --> 00:25:23,243 - Yeah. - And I think she'd probably quite like a challenge. 600 00:25:23,243 --> 00:25:25,203 Yes, she'd probably have some other meaning for... 601 00:25:25,203 --> 00:25:27,283 I think she's quite dark as well, Susie, 602 00:25:27,283 --> 00:25:30,603 and crows are kind of portents of doom, aren't they? 603 00:25:30,603 --> 00:25:33,683 - Yeah, they are. - I think Susie would... 604 00:25:33,683 --> 00:25:35,083 You think she'd say "crow" 605 00:25:35,083 --> 00:25:38,123 because Susie Dent is a surprisingly dark character. 606 00:25:38,123 --> 00:25:40,123 - She's a murderer. - She's a murderer? 607 00:25:40,123 --> 00:25:41,323 (LAUGHTER) 608 00:25:41,323 --> 00:25:44,003 That's quite a big stretch from "She's quite dark", isn't it? 609 00:25:44,003 --> 00:25:45,603 I mean, that's quite a jump. 610 00:25:45,603 --> 00:25:47,403 Yeah, I know. I can't believe I've said that now. 611 00:25:47,403 --> 00:25:48,403 Yeah. 612 00:25:48,403 --> 00:25:51,243 She's literally gonna kill me now, and do it again. 613 00:25:51,243 --> 00:25:53,643 OK, so you're gonna go for "crow" because Susie Dent is a murderer? 614 00:25:53,643 --> 00:25:55,643 Well, I don't know. Bill, are you happy with "crow"? 615 00:25:55,643 --> 00:25:56,883 Crow? I don't know. 616 00:25:56,883 --> 00:25:58,683 Crow or bar, but I'll defer to... 617 00:25:58,683 --> 00:26:00,643 All right, if you want to change it to "bar". 618 00:26:00,643 --> 00:26:01,883 No, no, no, I don't. 619 00:26:01,883 --> 00:26:03,403 - I want to defer to your... - Oh, bollocks. 620 00:26:03,403 --> 00:26:05,203 - Right, yeah, crow, then. - Crow, then. 621 00:26:05,203 --> 00:26:07,043 I'm loving this dynamic, by the way. 622 00:26:07,043 --> 00:26:08,923 (LAUGHTER) 623 00:26:08,923 --> 00:26:10,603 JOSH: Now, let's have a look. 624 00:26:10,603 --> 00:26:13,403 I'm gonna make it a verbal tic and go with "bar". 625 00:26:13,403 --> 00:26:14,803 - BILL: Ah, you see! - Oh. 626 00:26:14,803 --> 00:26:17,283 A verbal tic. She even said it was a verbal tic! 627 00:26:17,283 --> 00:26:20,763 She literally said a verbal tic, which is the thing I said! 628 00:26:20,763 --> 00:26:22,603 (LAUGHTER) 629 00:26:22,603 --> 00:26:24,283 BILL: All right, Jo, come back. 630 00:26:24,283 --> 00:26:26,203 (APPLAUSE) 631 00:26:29,083 --> 00:26:30,483 Bill, I'm sorry. 632 00:26:30,483 --> 00:26:32,163 That's all right. No, no, it's fine. 633 00:26:32,163 --> 00:26:34,523 Not many people do a victory lap after they got one wrong, 634 00:26:34,523 --> 00:26:37,003 - but I absolutely love it. - (LAUGHTER) 635 00:26:37,003 --> 00:26:39,443 Come on, did that look like victory? 636 00:26:41,483 --> 00:26:43,803 - JAMES: That was pretty gutting. - BILL: A lap of losing. 637 00:26:43,803 --> 00:26:45,323 JAMES: Even said a verbal tic. 638 00:26:45,323 --> 00:26:47,803 - Even said. - Oh, piss flaps! 639 00:26:47,803 --> 00:26:49,843 (LAUGHTER) 640 00:26:49,843 --> 00:26:51,323 OK, what are you gonna go for? 641 00:26:51,323 --> 00:26:52,723 I know Susie that well. 642 00:26:52,723 --> 00:26:55,163 What do you think, Harriet? Shall we go with Reverend Bottley? 643 00:26:55,163 --> 00:26:57,403 JOSH: Rev Bottley. Reverend Kate Bottley. 644 00:26:57,403 --> 00:27:00,523 You have to have one of the following vehicle traits. 645 00:27:00,523 --> 00:27:01,923 Which do you choose? 646 00:27:01,923 --> 00:27:04,403 A - Windscreen wipers on your eyes, 647 00:27:04,403 --> 00:27:08,963 B- wing mirrors sticking out the side of your head, 648 00:27:08,963 --> 00:27:11,243 or C - exhaust pipe bum. 649 00:27:11,243 --> 00:27:12,563 (LAUGHTER) 650 00:27:12,563 --> 00:27:15,483 OK. So, Harriet, I'll go with what you think. 651 00:27:15,483 --> 00:27:16,563 OK. 652 00:27:16,563 --> 00:27:18,603 Do reverends, they, they don't... (WHISPERS) ...have sex? 653 00:27:18,603 --> 00:27:20,603 Do reverends have sex? 654 00:27:20,603 --> 00:27:21,923 Um, at some point. 655 00:27:21,923 --> 00:27:24,603 Harriet, did you just hush the word "sex"? 656 00:27:24,603 --> 00:27:26,083 - (LAUGHTER) - Yes. 657 00:27:26,083 --> 00:27:28,403 One second. What would the sex part have to do with these? 658 00:27:28,403 --> 00:27:31,963 Well, just it would be embarrassing if she had a new partner. 659 00:27:31,963 --> 00:27:33,483 If she had an exhaust pipe? 660 00:27:33,483 --> 00:27:37,163 Like, do you say before, or do you surprise them with it, or...? 661 00:27:38,443 --> 00:27:40,243 "Oh, I've got an exhaust pipe in my bum, 662 00:27:40,243 --> 00:27:42,043 "but don't worry about that, I'm a good kisser." 663 00:27:42,043 --> 00:27:43,483 Yeah, that's what you'd do. 664 00:27:43,483 --> 00:27:45,763 - Yeah, that sort of thing, yeah. - JOSH: Yeah. 665 00:27:45,763 --> 00:27:48,083 - I think that, then. - JOSH: Exhaust pipe bum? 666 00:27:48,083 --> 00:27:49,803 Let's have a look. 667 00:27:50,843 --> 00:27:52,923 I don't want to overshare but I'm quite a flatulent woman, 668 00:27:52,923 --> 00:27:55,283 so I'd like an exhaust pipe on my bottom. 669 00:27:55,283 --> 00:27:57,883 (APPLAUSE) 670 00:27:57,883 --> 00:28:00,283 - JOSH: I don't know how she does it. - Harriet, this is great. 671 00:28:00,283 --> 00:28:03,723 - I know what women want. - This is great. This is amazing. 672 00:28:03,723 --> 00:28:07,763 That is the end of the Harriet Kemsley round. 673 00:28:07,763 --> 00:28:09,843 But, of course, we'll see the celebrities again 674 00:28:09,843 --> 00:28:12,083 at the end of the show for Big Hat Small Hat. 675 00:28:12,083 --> 00:28:14,443 It's time for our next round, which is Not For a Million Quid. 676 00:28:19,723 --> 00:28:21,963 In this round we want to know how much you'd need to be paid 677 00:28:21,963 --> 00:28:23,763 to live through a hypothetical situation. 678 00:28:23,763 --> 00:28:25,763 The lowest bidder has to tell us how they'd do it. 679 00:28:25,763 --> 00:28:28,003 There's three points on offer if we think you'd pull it off, 680 00:28:28,003 --> 00:28:30,963 and if I don't believe your bid is genuine, I'll disqualify you. 681 00:28:30,963 --> 00:28:33,003 How much to endure this for a year? 682 00:28:33,003 --> 00:28:36,603 Everywhere you go, you must take a teddy bear with you. 683 00:28:36,603 --> 00:28:38,563 James, the rules. 684 00:28:38,563 --> 00:28:40,683 It's a classic cuddly toy bear - 685 00:28:40,683 --> 00:28:43,643 cute nose, soft brown fur, adorable ears. 686 00:28:43,643 --> 00:28:45,723 Oh, and, this is the bear. 687 00:28:45,723 --> 00:28:47,243 Can we bring the bear in, please? 688 00:28:47,243 --> 00:28:50,923 (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) 689 00:28:53,523 --> 00:28:55,603 DARREN: The size of that. 690 00:28:56,843 --> 00:28:59,363 - JOSH: There is the bear. Yes. - HARRIET: Aw. 691 00:28:59,363 --> 00:29:03,243 DARREN: If that gets up, I will shit my pants. 692 00:29:03,243 --> 00:29:06,283 (LAUGHTER) 693 00:29:06,283 --> 00:29:10,323 OK. So, you'd have to take that round with you for a year. 694 00:29:10,323 --> 00:29:14,083 JO: Can you just define "take it round with you"? 695 00:29:14,083 --> 00:29:16,243 - JOSH: Yeah. - What, carry it for a year? 696 00:29:16,243 --> 00:29:18,323 - Yeah, carry it. - JO: Would you have a trolley, or? 697 00:29:18,323 --> 00:29:20,283 When you sit down, you can put it next to you. 698 00:29:20,283 --> 00:29:23,883 - Yeah. - So it has to be, like, a kind of companion, with you at all times. 699 00:29:23,883 --> 00:29:26,043 Is there any way I could just sort of see how heavy it is, 700 00:29:26,043 --> 00:29:27,403 just sort of move it? 701 00:29:27,403 --> 00:29:30,123 - Or does it have to stay like that? - I think you can, yeah, have a look. 702 00:29:30,123 --> 00:29:32,443 I can move it? I just wanna see how heavy it is. 703 00:29:32,443 --> 00:29:34,603 'Cause you can't put it in a bag or anything, can you? 704 00:29:34,603 --> 00:29:36,763 No, you've got to take it round like it is. 705 00:29:36,763 --> 00:29:38,963 - Oh, that's really heavy. - HARRIET: Is there someone in it? 706 00:29:38,963 --> 00:29:40,443 - That's. - JOSH: No! 707 00:29:40,443 --> 00:29:42,763 - That's really heavy. - HARRIET: It just moved. 708 00:29:42,763 --> 00:29:44,283 JO: Can you just put it on my back? 709 00:29:44,283 --> 00:29:45,763 I just want to see if I can carry it. 710 00:29:45,763 --> 00:29:47,243 You wouldn't be able to lift that around. 711 00:29:47,243 --> 00:29:48,763 Oh, go on, I'll give it a go. 712 00:29:51,243 --> 00:29:53,243 (LAUGHTER) 713 00:29:53,243 --> 00:29:55,603 (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) 714 00:29:58,483 --> 00:30:00,363 BILL: Is it a two, is it a two-man lift? 715 00:30:00,363 --> 00:30:01,603 DARREN: It is, yeah, definitely. 716 00:30:01,603 --> 00:30:03,243 - JO: No. - BILL: No? 717 00:30:03,243 --> 00:30:05,843 - JO: Wimp. - BILL: Wimp. Oh, right. - (LAUGHTER) 718 00:30:05,843 --> 00:30:09,123 I think you could carry it on your back, definitely. 719 00:30:09,123 --> 00:30:10,563 JAMES: You could carry that on your back? 720 00:30:10,563 --> 00:30:12,683 So, you just carry it around with you, or drag it around with you. 721 00:30:12,683 --> 00:30:14,683 - DARREN: Yeah, I feel like I'd... - JOSH: Everywhere you go. 722 00:30:14,683 --> 00:30:17,923 I was gonna say tie a chain to it and pull it, but then it'd look like I was abusing it or something. 723 00:30:17,923 --> 00:30:19,283 (LAUGHTER) 724 00:30:19,283 --> 00:30:21,083 - JOSH: Get your boards out and pens. - All right. 725 00:30:21,083 --> 00:30:23,643 So this is genuinely the amount of money we'd have to pay you. 726 00:30:23,643 --> 00:30:25,963 For a year, you're taking this round wherever you go. 727 00:30:25,963 --> 00:30:27,203 For a year? 728 00:30:27,203 --> 00:30:29,523 Harriet, what's going through your head at the minute? 729 00:30:29,523 --> 00:30:31,203 So, it's from now onwards? 730 00:30:31,203 --> 00:30:33,323 - Yeah. - Yeah, yeah. 731 00:30:33,323 --> 00:30:35,723 So, we'd have to leave with it now? 732 00:30:35,723 --> 00:30:37,683 - JOSH: Yeah. - JAMES: Again... 733 00:30:37,683 --> 00:30:40,283 Well, yeah, OK, hypothetically, yes. 734 00:30:40,283 --> 00:30:42,603 (LAUGHTER) 735 00:30:43,723 --> 00:30:46,483 - BILL: Right, what have you got? - JOSH: Let's go. Start with Jo. 736 00:30:47,603 --> 00:30:49,163 100 grand. 737 00:30:49,163 --> 00:30:51,363 Yeah, you seemed to be enjoying it earlier, to be fair. 738 00:30:51,363 --> 00:30:53,723 - Bill? - I'm going with 500,000. 739 00:30:53,723 --> 00:30:55,483 That's what I'm going with. 740 00:30:55,483 --> 00:30:58,003 - Darren? - Er, I'd do it for 30 grand. 741 00:30:58,003 --> 00:30:59,283 JAMES: Oh! 742 00:30:59,283 --> 00:31:00,603 Harriet, what have you gone for? 743 00:31:00,603 --> 00:31:02,163 - I went high. - Yeah. 744 00:31:02,163 --> 00:31:03,603 100 grand. 745 00:31:03,603 --> 00:31:05,323 JAMES: Er, no, that says one. 746 00:31:05,323 --> 00:31:07,283 (LAUGHTER) 747 00:31:09,523 --> 00:31:12,363 That's the least anyone has ever bid on this. 748 00:31:12,363 --> 00:31:13,723 (LAUGHTER) 749 00:31:13,723 --> 00:31:15,483 I thought my bid was bad. 750 00:31:15,483 --> 00:31:18,083 Oh, you turned it upside down. That's 10 grand. 751 00:31:18,083 --> 00:31:19,323 (LAUGHTER) 752 00:31:19,323 --> 00:31:22,123 JAMES: That's ten grand, Harriet. 753 00:31:22,123 --> 00:31:23,563 But I said 100. 754 00:31:23,563 --> 00:31:25,003 Who's the lowest, then, James? 755 00:31:25,003 --> 00:31:26,643 It appears that Darren is the lowest. 756 00:31:26,643 --> 00:31:28,123 JOSH: So you think you could do this, Darren? 757 00:31:28,123 --> 00:31:30,723 Is there any situation you'd be worried about turning up with a bear? 758 00:31:30,723 --> 00:31:32,203 Um, yeah, everywhere. 759 00:31:32,203 --> 00:31:34,163 Um, like, anywhere I go. 760 00:31:34,163 --> 00:31:36,563 Going to the gym, going to the doctor's, 761 00:31:36,563 --> 00:31:38,683 visiting my mum, my nan. 762 00:31:38,683 --> 00:31:40,923 What excuse are you gonna use when you visit these people? 763 00:31:40,923 --> 00:31:43,763 "Oh, I live in London now, it's all different." 764 00:31:43,763 --> 00:31:45,923 (LAUGHTER) 765 00:31:47,363 --> 00:31:49,283 They're from the Black Country. They have no idea. 766 00:31:49,283 --> 00:31:53,003 "Oh, everyone carries bears now. I know, it's weird, isn't it?" 767 00:31:53,003 --> 00:31:54,363 Then that's it, yeah, I'm in. 768 00:31:54,363 --> 00:31:55,763 Well, shall we try a situation, then? 769 00:31:55,763 --> 00:31:57,483 Yeah, let's test it out in a situation. 770 00:31:57,483 --> 00:32:00,243 Um, yeah, let's have ourselves a little dinner date. 771 00:32:00,243 --> 00:32:02,643 (SHOUTS) Cliff! Cliff! 772 00:32:02,643 --> 00:32:05,803 Bring a restaurant out here right now! 773 00:32:05,803 --> 00:32:08,243 # His name is Cliff, he works in props 774 00:32:08,243 --> 00:32:11,243 # He sets them up, and could do better. # 775 00:32:11,243 --> 00:32:13,443 Er, do you wanna do this date, then, with Darren? 776 00:32:13,443 --> 00:32:15,163 Yeah, let's go for a dinner date, Darren. 777 00:32:15,163 --> 00:32:17,043 - OK. - I'm just gonna be sitting here, 778 00:32:17,043 --> 00:32:19,363 waiting on you. 779 00:32:19,363 --> 00:32:20,603 You turn up. 780 00:32:20,603 --> 00:32:23,083 I'm quite looking forward to it. I haven't seen Darren in a while. 781 00:32:23,083 --> 00:32:25,923 An old friend of yesteryear. 782 00:32:25,923 --> 00:32:27,923 Got loads of catching up to do. 783 00:32:29,083 --> 00:32:31,603 All right, James? Ain't seen you in a long while. 784 00:32:31,603 --> 00:32:32,923 Hello, Darren. Why are you...? 785 00:32:32,923 --> 00:32:34,563 Why are you grabbing that bear's dick? 786 00:32:34,563 --> 00:32:36,883 (LAUGHTER) 787 00:32:36,883 --> 00:32:38,563 Don't be rude. This is Jeremy. 788 00:32:38,563 --> 00:32:41,323 Jeremy, say hello to James. 789 00:32:41,323 --> 00:32:42,603 There you go. 790 00:32:42,603 --> 00:32:44,883 Oh, wasn't expecting him to have a voice. 791 00:32:44,883 --> 00:32:47,563 Oh, he's so cute. Oh, God. 792 00:32:47,563 --> 00:32:49,123 Take it easy, you. 793 00:32:49,123 --> 00:32:50,363 Ha-ha-ha. 794 00:32:50,363 --> 00:32:51,883 Is that for me? Is that a gift for me? 795 00:32:51,883 --> 00:32:54,003 No, no. This is...this is Jeremy. 796 00:32:54,003 --> 00:32:56,243 He's my bear. I bring him with me. 797 00:32:56,243 --> 00:32:59,523 Say hello. "Raah!" There you go. 798 00:32:59,523 --> 00:33:01,283 Anyway, don't worry about him. 799 00:33:01,283 --> 00:33:02,723 Er, I will. 800 00:33:02,723 --> 00:33:05,243 (LAUGHTER) 801 00:33:05,243 --> 00:33:07,763 Tell me about Jeremy. How did you meet? 802 00:33:07,763 --> 00:33:10,283 There's a website called Bears For Everyone. 803 00:33:10,283 --> 00:33:12,963 - Yeah. - Which is where I met old Jeremy. 804 00:33:12,963 --> 00:33:15,083 How do they match you up with the perfect bear? 805 00:33:15,083 --> 00:33:16,843 Well, they just give you a long list of questions. 806 00:33:16,843 --> 00:33:19,363 We're focussing a bit too much on... 807 00:33:19,363 --> 00:33:20,563 Pop some of this, you know. 808 00:33:20,563 --> 00:33:22,123 - Let's...celebrate. - Oh, yeah. 809 00:33:22,123 --> 00:33:24,083 - Haven't seen you in years? - What are we celebrating? 810 00:33:24,083 --> 00:33:27,803 We're celebrating just life and friendship and fun times. 811 00:33:27,803 --> 00:33:29,723 Life, friendship and fun times? 812 00:33:29,723 --> 00:33:32,883 Life, friendship and...and fun times. 813 00:33:32,883 --> 00:33:35,643 Do this bear quiz on me. I want to get a bear of my own. 814 00:33:35,643 --> 00:33:37,083 Oh, OK. OK. 815 00:33:37,083 --> 00:33:39,083 Um, do you like people? 816 00:33:39,083 --> 00:33:41,123 No, as you well know. 817 00:33:41,123 --> 00:33:44,243 It's no coincidence we haven't seen each other in a while. 818 00:33:44,243 --> 00:33:45,763 (LAUGHTER) 819 00:33:45,763 --> 00:33:47,683 No, you never return my calls. 820 00:33:47,683 --> 00:33:49,203 - No. - What does he eat? 821 00:33:49,203 --> 00:33:50,843 I mean, every now and again, he'll talk about fish 822 00:33:50,843 --> 00:33:53,003 and a bit of salmon and stuff, but... 823 00:33:53,003 --> 00:33:55,523 What's he said to you about fish and salmon recently? 824 00:33:55,523 --> 00:33:58,003 "I'll tell you one thing, I love a bit of that salmon." 825 00:33:58,003 --> 00:33:59,563 (LAUGHTER) 826 00:33:59,563 --> 00:34:01,443 "Oh, if I could just get a bit of that Scottish salmon, 827 00:34:01,443 --> 00:34:02,843 "it's absolutely amazing, Darren. 828 00:34:02,843 --> 00:34:04,323 "Just get me a bit of it." 829 00:34:04,323 --> 00:34:06,483 That's, yeah, that's how he sounds. 830 00:34:06,483 --> 00:34:08,163 Yeah, I think it's going to be a long time 831 00:34:08,163 --> 00:34:09,603 before we see each other again. 832 00:34:09,603 --> 00:34:12,483 (LAUGHTER) 833 00:34:13,843 --> 00:34:17,123 James, I think you've got a feeling for how it would go. 834 00:34:17,123 --> 00:34:20,723 Yeah, well, look, what I'm mainly gonna give him the points for here 835 00:34:20,723 --> 00:34:23,643 is that he put that cap on the bear's head at the start of this, 836 00:34:23,643 --> 00:34:26,283 and it has stayed there for the entire thing. 837 00:34:26,283 --> 00:34:28,523 At no point has it fallen off. 838 00:34:28,523 --> 00:34:30,483 So, I'm giving Darren the full three points. 839 00:34:30,483 --> 00:34:31,683 JOSH: Three points! 840 00:34:31,683 --> 00:34:34,683 (APPLAUSE) 841 00:34:38,723 --> 00:34:40,323 HARRIET: No, Darren, you have to bring it. 842 00:34:40,323 --> 00:34:42,843 DARREN: Oh. Oh, thanks, Harriet. 843 00:34:42,843 --> 00:34:45,043 JAMES: Yeah, if you want to keep it for the rest of the show, Darren, 844 00:34:45,043 --> 00:34:46,403 you're more than welcome. 845 00:34:46,403 --> 00:34:48,923 Oh, I would absolutely love that! 846 00:34:48,923 --> 00:34:50,498 (LAUGHTER) 847 00:34:50,633 --> 00:34:52,363 It's time for On the Spot. 848 00:34:57,923 --> 00:35:00,443 In this round, we're going to deliver a series of rapid fire hypotheticals, 849 00:35:00,443 --> 00:35:03,043 which we want our panellists to solve as quickly as possible. 850 00:35:03,043 --> 00:35:04,683 Josh will read out the hypothetical 851 00:35:04,683 --> 00:35:08,043 and then I will say the name of the person that I want to answer it. 852 00:35:08,043 --> 00:35:10,003 But if we think the answer is stupid, 853 00:35:10,003 --> 00:35:11,923 we will hit our buttons to stop the clock 854 00:35:11,923 --> 00:35:14,363 and ask what the hell you're on about. 855 00:35:14,363 --> 00:35:15,603 The best player gets the points. 856 00:35:15,603 --> 00:35:17,483 OK. Here we go. 857 00:35:19,803 --> 00:35:21,963 Camping weekends, caravanning, barge trips. 858 00:35:21,963 --> 00:35:24,883 You must come up with the next mega-cramped holiday for Brits. 859 00:35:24,883 --> 00:35:26,883 - Bailey. - Giant egg. 860 00:35:26,883 --> 00:35:29,803 (LAUGHTER) 861 00:35:32,163 --> 00:35:34,883 (APPLAUSE) 862 00:35:36,723 --> 00:35:38,603 Earrings, ties, necklaces. 863 00:35:38,603 --> 00:35:40,883 You must invent the next dangly fashion accessory. 864 00:35:40,883 --> 00:35:42,043 Kemsley. 865 00:35:42,043 --> 00:35:43,243 Cats. 866 00:35:43,243 --> 00:35:45,403 (LAUGHTER) 867 00:35:47,843 --> 00:35:49,683 How are you wearing them? 868 00:35:49,683 --> 00:35:52,483 Well, from, from my ears. 869 00:35:52,483 --> 00:35:53,963 Alive? 870 00:35:53,963 --> 00:35:55,203 - Oh, yeah. - OK, cool. 871 00:35:55,203 --> 00:35:59,603 I'm not carrying a dead cat around with me, but I'd need two, to match. 872 00:36:01,243 --> 00:36:03,123 That's what it would be. 873 00:36:03,123 --> 00:36:05,043 Scientists feel it's time to upgrade the elbow joint. 874 00:36:05,043 --> 00:36:06,563 What should it be replaced with? 875 00:36:06,563 --> 00:36:07,923 Brand. 876 00:36:07,923 --> 00:36:09,163 Nothing. 877 00:36:09,163 --> 00:36:11,843 (LAUGHTER) 878 00:36:13,323 --> 00:36:15,483 What? So, you'd just have, like, a straight arm? 879 00:36:15,483 --> 00:36:17,883 That just dangled like that, yeah. 880 00:36:17,883 --> 00:36:19,203 It wouldn't dangle, would it? 881 00:36:19,203 --> 00:36:21,163 It would just, it would be straight out. 882 00:36:21,163 --> 00:36:23,243 You couldn't ever go like that, could you? 883 00:36:23,243 --> 00:36:25,963 No, you'd have to be like that the whole time. 884 00:36:27,243 --> 00:36:29,163 Is there any way you two can do a podcast 885 00:36:29,163 --> 00:36:31,283 where you just disagree with each other? 886 00:36:31,283 --> 00:36:33,363 (LAUGHTER) 887 00:36:33,363 --> 00:36:35,563 I'm sorry, but you start on elbows. 888 00:36:35,563 --> 00:36:38,003 Really, that's red rag to a bull to me. 889 00:36:38,003 --> 00:36:40,243 (LAUGHTER) 890 00:36:40,243 --> 00:36:43,883 You have to come up with a Tinder bio that ensures you get zero matches. 891 00:36:43,883 --> 00:36:46,563 - Bailey. - I am evil. 892 00:36:46,563 --> 00:36:48,563 (LAUGHTER) 893 00:36:50,203 --> 00:36:52,123 You are in a car. You must get out of the car. 894 00:36:52,123 --> 00:36:53,923 - How do you do it? - Kemsley. 895 00:36:53,923 --> 00:36:55,523 - Door. - Yeah. - Yeah. 896 00:36:55,523 --> 00:36:58,043 There's always an easy question. Tonight, you were the lucky player. 897 00:36:58,043 --> 00:36:59,403 (LAUGHTER) 898 00:36:59,403 --> 00:37:02,083 The Premier League is starting to worry that whistles are a bit shrill. 899 00:37:02,083 --> 00:37:04,843 You have to come up with a new way of referees getting your attention. 900 00:37:04,843 --> 00:37:07,443 - Harriott. - Oh, uh, clapping. 901 00:37:07,443 --> 00:37:10,203 - Yeah. - Lots of clapping. That would get attention. 902 00:37:10,203 --> 00:37:12,363 You think that would help stand out in a football stadium? 903 00:37:12,363 --> 00:37:14,283 (LAUGHTER) 904 00:37:14,283 --> 00:37:17,683 Brian Eno is composing his new album, Songs for the Snooze Button. 905 00:37:17,683 --> 00:37:20,643 He wants you to make a really calming sound that he can sample. 906 00:37:20,643 --> 00:37:21,883 Kemsley. 907 00:37:21,883 --> 00:37:25,443 Shhhhhhhhhhhhh... 908 00:37:25,443 --> 00:37:27,043 Am I meant to make the noise? 909 00:37:27,043 --> 00:37:28,523 - Yeah. - Yeah. 910 00:37:28,523 --> 00:37:30,483 OK. Who's Brian Eno? 911 00:37:30,483 --> 00:37:32,763 - That's by the bye. - OK. 912 00:37:32,763 --> 00:37:36,203 Shhhhhhhhhhhhh... 913 00:37:36,203 --> 00:37:38,363 I'm not feeling very calm. 914 00:37:38,363 --> 00:37:40,043 (LAUGHTER) 915 00:37:40,043 --> 00:37:42,123 You must make your local leisure centre smell of butterscotch 916 00:37:42,123 --> 00:37:43,523 as quickly as possible. 917 00:37:43,523 --> 00:37:44,763 Bailey. 918 00:37:44,763 --> 00:37:50,563 I would cover myself in Angel Delight 919 00:37:50,563 --> 00:37:54,203 and, uh, crouch in the air conditioning. 920 00:37:54,203 --> 00:37:56,803 (LAUGHTER) 921 00:37:56,803 --> 00:37:59,163 (APPLAUSE) 922 00:38:00,443 --> 00:38:02,883 I mean, it's straightforward. 923 00:38:02,883 --> 00:38:05,443 You travel back in time to become a Knight of the Round Table. 924 00:38:05,443 --> 00:38:08,123 You're joining Sir Galahad the Pure, Sir Lancelot the Brave. 925 00:38:08,123 --> 00:38:09,563 What's your descriptive name? 926 00:38:09,563 --> 00:38:10,843 Brand. 927 00:38:10,843 --> 00:38:12,843 Sir... 928 00:38:12,843 --> 00:38:15,883 ..Brandalot the Unpleasant. 929 00:38:15,883 --> 00:38:18,203 (LAUGHTER) 930 00:38:18,203 --> 00:38:20,043 People are bored witless by Zoom calls. 931 00:38:20,043 --> 00:38:22,843 They've asked you to come up with a new feature to make them exciting again. 932 00:38:22,843 --> 00:38:24,043 Harriott. 933 00:38:24,043 --> 00:38:26,043 Um, all Zoom calls now come with DJs, 934 00:38:26,043 --> 00:38:27,803 so you get a nice DJ in the background, 935 00:38:27,803 --> 00:38:30,843 mixing a couple of beats in between your chat. 936 00:38:30,843 --> 00:38:33,083 - Very nice. - That's genuinely a good idea. 937 00:38:33,083 --> 00:38:35,123 - An actual good idea. - He's also naked. 938 00:38:35,123 --> 00:38:36,563 (LAUGHTER) 939 00:38:36,563 --> 00:38:37,643 BILL: No. 940 00:38:37,643 --> 00:38:39,403 OK, well, that went from good to bad. 941 00:38:39,403 --> 00:38:40,883 (LAUGHTER) 942 00:38:40,883 --> 00:38:42,683 You travel back in time to meet your 16-year-old self. 943 00:38:42,683 --> 00:38:45,443 You have 10 seconds to speak to them. What do you say? 944 00:38:45,443 --> 00:38:47,283 Kemsley. Go. 945 00:38:47,283 --> 00:38:49,723 What the fuck has happened? 946 00:38:49,723 --> 00:38:51,443 (LAUGHTER) 947 00:38:51,443 --> 00:38:52,523 Who are you? 948 00:38:52,523 --> 00:38:55,683 Wait, I'm you in the future, or am I you in the past? 949 00:38:55,683 --> 00:38:57,883 - Time's up! - You've got to do something! 950 00:38:57,883 --> 00:39:00,723 What a fucking waste of 10 seconds. 951 00:39:00,723 --> 00:39:02,363 (LAUGHTER) 952 00:39:02,363 --> 00:39:03,683 You must circumnavigate the earth... 953 00:39:03,683 --> 00:39:05,483 - (KLAXON BLARES) - Oh. - Oh. 954 00:39:05,483 --> 00:39:07,683 We'll never know. That's the end of the round. 955 00:39:07,683 --> 00:39:09,363 James, who are you giving the points to? 956 00:39:09,363 --> 00:39:11,883 Well, I have to give the points to Bill for the butterscotch. 957 00:39:11,883 --> 00:39:14,243 That's brilliant. So, yeah, Bill Bailey. 958 00:39:14,243 --> 00:39:16,163 (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) 959 00:39:17,763 --> 00:39:19,803 After all that, how many points are they getting? 960 00:39:19,803 --> 00:39:22,163 Oh, yeah, we should have said that earlier. It's worth one point. 961 00:39:22,163 --> 00:39:24,283 - One point. - Oh! 962 00:39:24,283 --> 00:39:26,603 It's time for our final round, the one that decides it all. 963 00:39:26,603 --> 00:39:28,403 We're heading back to the Wall of Celebrities 964 00:39:28,403 --> 00:39:30,403 to ask the biggest question in showbiz. 965 00:39:30,403 --> 00:39:32,883 Exactly how old is Tony from Hollyoaks? 966 00:39:32,883 --> 00:39:35,203 No, it's Big Hat or Small Hat? 967 00:39:40,683 --> 00:39:44,763 We asked our six celebs one final, all-important question - 968 00:39:44,763 --> 00:39:46,483 Big Hat or Small Hat? 969 00:39:46,483 --> 00:39:47,963 James, the rules. 970 00:39:47,963 --> 00:39:49,443 We told the celebrities 971 00:39:49,443 --> 00:39:51,203 you have to wear the hat for the rest of your life, 972 00:39:51,203 --> 00:39:53,723 you can't wear a medium size hat over the small hat, 973 00:39:53,723 --> 00:39:55,643 and these are the hats. 974 00:39:56,963 --> 00:39:58,123 OK. 975 00:39:58,123 --> 00:40:00,683 All you have to do is tell us which hat the celebrity chose. 976 00:40:00,683 --> 00:40:03,523 James, before this question, what are the scores? 977 00:40:03,523 --> 00:40:05,323 Fun-mongers has five points, 978 00:40:05,323 --> 00:40:07,443 while Harrieott are in the lead with eight points. 979 00:40:07,443 --> 00:40:09,163 (APPLAUSE) 980 00:40:09,163 --> 00:40:12,123 Who is this question for and how many points is it worth? 981 00:40:12,123 --> 00:40:15,923 It's for Fun-mongers and it's worth four points. 982 00:40:15,923 --> 00:40:18,283 So, Fun-mongers, it all comes down to this. 983 00:40:18,283 --> 00:40:20,643 Can we have the dramatic lighting change, please? 984 00:40:22,323 --> 00:40:24,483 So, you have to pick a celebrity 985 00:40:24,483 --> 00:40:27,083 and tell me big hat or small hat to win it. 986 00:40:27,083 --> 00:40:30,243 Oh, why don't we go with Angellica Bell, big hat? 987 00:40:30,243 --> 00:40:31,443 Why not...? 988 00:40:31,443 --> 00:40:33,403 Yeah, put Susie out of her misery. 989 00:40:33,403 --> 00:40:36,163 She looks really bored, doing all that waving. 990 00:40:36,163 --> 00:40:38,603 For fuck's sake, how much longer? Jesus. 991 00:40:38,603 --> 00:40:39,603 OK, yeah. 992 00:40:39,603 --> 00:40:42,323 'Cause, no, Angellica, 'cause she said, she said, "I'm on fire." 993 00:40:42,323 --> 00:40:43,723 You know, "Fire!" 994 00:40:43,723 --> 00:40:46,803 She's, like, got a sort of gregarious, outgoing personality. 995 00:40:46,803 --> 00:40:48,963 She's, like...she's quite sort of, you know... 996 00:40:48,963 --> 00:40:50,963 Which one, Bill? Go on. 997 00:40:50,963 --> 00:40:53,163 - I'm saying, look... - Angellica Bell. 998 00:40:53,163 --> 00:40:55,963 She looks like she'd wear a big hat like that, I'm saying. 999 00:40:55,963 --> 00:40:57,803 What do you reckon? What do you reckon? 1000 00:40:57,803 --> 00:40:59,283 (AUDIENCE CALL OUT) 1001 00:40:59,283 --> 00:41:00,843 Look at this mob. "Er, I dunno." 1002 00:41:00,843 --> 00:41:02,363 (LAUGHTER) 1003 00:41:02,363 --> 00:41:03,843 "I don't care." 1004 00:41:03,843 --> 00:41:07,003 I think that noise meant "Lost the will to live" 1005 00:41:07,003 --> 00:41:08,243 on the hat front, didn't it? 1006 00:41:08,243 --> 00:41:10,883 I reckon she's the sort of person that would wear a big hat. 1007 00:41:10,883 --> 00:41:12,443 - JOSH: Angellica Bell? - Yes. 1008 00:41:12,443 --> 00:41:13,563 OK. 1009 00:41:13,563 --> 00:41:15,803 To win it, Angellica Bell, big hat. 1010 00:41:18,003 --> 00:41:20,083 OK, I'm gonna go with... 1011 00:41:21,763 --> 00:41:23,003 - ..the big hat. - BILL: Yes! 1012 00:41:23,003 --> 00:41:24,403 - (APPLAUSE) - It's the big hat! 1013 00:41:24,403 --> 00:41:26,883 You see? You see? 1014 00:41:26,883 --> 00:41:29,403 James, what are the final scores? 1015 00:41:29,403 --> 00:41:32,003 That means Harrieott have eight points, 1016 00:41:32,003 --> 00:41:34,403 while Fun-mongers are the winners with nine points. 1017 00:41:34,403 --> 00:41:36,043 Yes! Get in! 1018 00:41:36,043 --> 00:41:39,883 JOSH: Congratulations to Fun-mongers. 1019 00:41:39,883 --> 00:41:42,603 You've proved your worth in a non-existent hypothetical universe. 1020 00:41:42,603 --> 00:41:45,323 You are this week's winners. James, what have they won? 1021 00:41:45,323 --> 00:41:46,763 As I said before, the hypothetical prizes 1022 00:41:46,763 --> 00:41:48,563 are a vacuum-packed vacuum cleaner, 1023 00:41:48,563 --> 00:41:51,483 a clothes peg for your nose, a nose peg for your clothes, 1024 00:41:51,483 --> 00:41:53,843 and a lingering look from a hot barista. 1025 00:41:53,843 --> 00:41:55,763 But those were just hypothetical prizes. 1026 00:41:55,763 --> 00:41:57,363 You've actually won a bag 1027 00:41:57,363 --> 00:41:58,883 containing the Internet. 1028 00:41:58,883 --> 00:42:00,323 Yes! 1029 00:42:00,323 --> 00:42:03,763 Thanks to our guests, Jo Brand, Bill Bailey, 1030 00:42:03,763 --> 00:42:07,443 Darren Harriott, Harriet Kemsley. 1031 00:42:07,443 --> 00:42:10,363 Extra special thanks to my co-host and points enthusiast James Acaster. 1032 00:42:10,363 --> 00:42:11,563 Goodnight.