Hello, and welcome to Hypothetical, the show that pits my favourite
comedians against a variety of tricky hypothetical scenarios.
Let's meet today's guests.
On my right it's Jack Dee and Guz Khan.
Up against them it's Rose Johnson and Suzi Ruffell.
And now it's time to introduce my co-host and arbiter
of hypotheticals, a man who's spent the week trying out a new nickname,
but I refuse to call him Captain Slinky Hips.
It's James Acaster.
- Hello, James. - Josh.
How's it going?
Pretty good. The kids don't know that it's meant to be free,
so I make a sweet buck...
..every time they need to cross the road.
Now, before we start we need some team names.
Jack and Guz, what have you come up with?
We're New Variant.
I've gotta be real. That was all Jack.
That is very funny, and obviously it also makes us sound like we could be
a new boy band.
Yeah.
Considering, you know, COVID19 sounds like a band
anyway, doesn't it?
From the '90s or something.
- Yeah. - A pop-punk band.
COVID19.
You put a little spin on it, it sounds like not such a bad
thing after all.
Make people positive, right?
Yeah, bring a bit of sunshine, for God's sake.
I don't think "make people positive" should be the slogan for COVID19.
Suzi, Rose, what have you gone for?
Er, we are going for Carbonara.
- Carbonara. - Yeah, why?
Can't be beaten, so...
Absolutely can't.
We've never had someone trying to start an applause just by,
"Yeah, don't need the explanation."
We've met our teams.
Let's find out what they're playing for, James.
This week's hypothetical prizes are a first edition copy
of the Yellow Pages, 49 conkers, three waxworks of Adrian Chiles
and a haircut, whether you like it or not.
Our first round is What Would You Do?
James, how many points are up for grabs?
I'll be awarding up to five points depending on how they deal
with the scenario, from one, you're getting the wooden spoon,
up to five, you're getting the wooden spoon and it's full
of lovely soup.
- Or carbonara. - Or carbonara.
The first question is a head to head.
The winning team gets the points.
Jack, you'll be representing New Variant.
- Aha. - Rose, you're playing for Carbonara.
OK.
During rehearsal for his next internationally televised magic
show, David Copperfield has accidentally made himself disappear.
Suddenly there's a gap in the schedule that needs filling
for a brand new global superstar magician, you.
How do you do it? James, the rules.
You have to come up with a unique persona
and a memorable magician name.
For example, the Marvellous Marvo the Mysterious, or Derren.
You must come up with a signature magic trick, and only one act can be
booked to replace Copperfield, so you must convince the head
of the Magic Circle that it should be you.
OK. Are you a fan of magic?
I like magic, except it's not magic, is it?
Magic is supernatural stuff happening
before your very eyes.
It's a bloody trick.
I have that sometimes.
Some of my gigs, people are like, "It's comedy."
No, it's not.
I've said that once, James. Let it go.
Are you a fan of magic, Rose?
Yeah, to be honest, sort of similar story to Jack.
I just think it annoys me.
If you saw Dynamo and he managed to make...
He's the worst one.
Is he?
I slightly disagree.
I think Dynamo is an incredible magician, but he needs to get
a magician's voice, and that's what he hasn't got.
Cause he's very, very good, but then he says, "My name's Dynamo,
I'm dead good at magic, me," and it's not, it's not a magic
voice, is it?
You want, "Yes, I'm Dynamo."
You know, or if you're gonna talk like that,
call yourself Derek or something, but don't...
So what voice are you gonna have for your magician?
- "My voice for magic.". - Ooh.
One ticket, please.
- I love it. - Yeah.
- Rose, have you got a magic voice? - Yeah.
Um, it's gonna go along with a character, I think.
Shall I tell you the name of the character?
First thing that popped into my head. I'm going with it. The Sneaky Rat.
- Yeah. - Oh, that's good. The Sneaky Rat.
I think it would be like a bit of a Pied Piper, a bit creepy.
Hello, hello, my pretties.
So, yeah, I think the Sneaky Rat, so I'm dressed as a rat, obviously.
- Obviously. - Oh, obviously.
And I'll use rats in the act.
- Ugh. - Sorry.
- You're on her team, Suzi. - Come on.
Yeah, wicked.
And what would your, what would be...
You've got your magician's voice, Jack.
Yes.
My magician's name is Pizazz.
- Yeah. - Pizazz, yeah.
- Do you wanna know what he does? - Yeah.
Um, basically, I get into a car, and I get lifted to a great height
by a crane.
Right? And everyone's watching, they're filming it, obviously.
I mean really high, and then they drop the car,
and, and it hits, obviously hits the ground, and then I get out.
Yeah.
But how I don't get hurt is it's not really me.
- Oh. - No. It would be someone else.
It would probably be... it would be someone like Matt Baker.
Yeah.
You know, because he's hard and, you know, he'll do things
like that for me.
I'm doing it next week with Monty Don.
Wow.
I think that's a pretty strong.
They both sound pretty, they both sound quite alluring.
What's the trick for?
So, the trick is, I've trained the rats, over a period of time.
Half the rats I've trained to do a human, a rat pyramid.
- Yeah. - Like a human pyramid, but rats.
And everyone's attention is on the rat pyramid.
However, over there is, like, a cruise ship,
or whatever, and while half the rats are doing that,
the other half are carrying that away.
- Can I ask a question? - Mmm, please.
Um, the point is that you're using the rat pyramid to distract
from the boat being moved.
- Yeah. - So no one's looking at it.
No.
Could you get people to just move the boat?
Someone could just drive it.
Yeah, they could just drive the boat away.
Mmm, but it's like a second trick, innit?
The second extra thing.
- James. - Hello.
Would you like, shall we put it to the test?
Would you like to play the head of the Magic Circle?
Does this answer your question?
Yes.
Have you got any props for this?
Certainly have. Alakazam.
The props.
I'm just gonna, you know, doss around in my office and wait
for people to come and pitch me magic.
Who would you like first?
Yeah, first I would like to see the Sneaky Rat.
Pow! Send them in. Pow!
Yeah, yeah.
Good to see you. Do you like magic?
I love it, yeah.
Wow. Yeah.
Do you like rabbits?
Yeah.
Not as much as I like rats.
What?
Rats?
No, I've never seen a magician work with rats before.
- Yeah. - This is already intriguing.
So do you want me to get up and have a go, and, like, walk you through it?
I would love to. I'd love to see this trick.
OK. So, everyone arrives.
- Yeah. - Via cruise ship.
- OK? - What? Via cruise ship?
Yeah. This is taking place at the docks.
The docks.
- Never been on a cruise ship. - OK.
That's usually where stabbings take place.
Well, listen, we all arrive at the docks, OK?
Everyone files off the ship.
Um, meanwhile, thousands of rats, just along the little,
you know, the strings that hold the ship.
- Yeah, yeah. - Thousands of them.
They're actually, yeah, they dock the ship.
This is already, by the way, astonishing.
Thank you.
Then I come out doing my Sneaky Rat routine.
"Ooh, follow me, my pretties.
Come to the performance area."
And then I, and then I say, "Prepare to witness the greatest
and largest pyramid of rats you have ever witnessed with your eyes."
Um, and then, just as the final rat is about to reach the top
of the pyramid, I say, "I hope you enjoyed the show,
but, ladies and gentlemen, how are you going to get home?"
The cruise ship has disappeared.
Someone just, someone drove it away?
No. No. No.
That's what I'm assuming.
I have to see other people, but I think, I think you're
in with a good chance.
Thank you for seeing me.
- Well done. - That was very good.
Right, send in my next interviewee. Pizazz.
Pizazz, come in here.
Do I go up?
Ah.
Go on, Pizazz.
Get them, brother.
Welcome, Pizazz.
- Thank you, thank you. - Do you wanna see a magic trick?
I would love to see a magic trick.
I'll show you the best magic trick in the world.
Get a load of this.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, look at this. Look at this stuff.
Yeah. I'll just stand here.
Whoa! Whoa!
Pizazz, have you ever seen such things?
It was eerie. Eerie.
What have you got for me?
I've got the idea.
Well, it's not an idea.
- It's tried and proven. - Yeah.
That what you do is you get someone in a car,
and you lift them up in a crane.
- Yeah. - Drop it.
Yeah.
You haven't even asked me what the magic words are yet.
What are the magic words?
Er, you know.
You know it's traditional in the Magic Circle to know
the answer to the question
before you ask the person to ask you the question.
It's, it's car-up-in-a-crane.
Car up in a crane.
Car-up-in-a-crane.
- The audience, they love that stuff. - Yeah.
They're all chanting it.
"Car-up-in-a-crane, car-up-in-a-crane."
Then the car gets lifted up in the crane.
They've got... There's someone...
They think it's me in it, but it's not me.
- Not you. - We swap it over.
"Matt, get in the car."
"I don't want to do it again." "But get in, get in."
Right?
Crane goes up, you know, 90, 100 feet.
Nick Knowles.
Do you know Nick Knowles?
I didn't know Knowlesy was involved.
Yeah, he operates the crane.
Up it goes, right? Incredible thing.
And then, the next bit is they get chanting,
"Car up in a crane, come down again."
- I love a rhyme. - Yes.
Then the electric magnet that holds the car, just lets go,
and it drops right down to the ground, right?
And then everyone's saying, "Oh my God.
- "Is Pizazz gonna be OK?"? - Yeah.
Well, then the sheet comes up, open the door, get Matt out,
you know, slap him about a bit, and then put me...
I'm back in the car seat again.
Yeah.
Drop the sheet and it's me, right?
They go crazy.
Then, the boot of the car springs open.
- Ah. - Right?
Claire Balding jumps out.
OK. I love it.
- James? - OK.
Now, listen, these are both... Thank you, Pizazz.
- Do I go back? - Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure.
- James? - Look, both are amazing.
I don't want either of you to get discouraged.
I've got to give it to the Sneaky Rat.
- Five points to the Sneaky Rat. - Five points to the Sneaky Rat.
- Well done. - Thank you.
It's time for James's Wishlist.
James's wish list, wish upon a star.
In this round we're gonna be picking something from James's ever-growing
list of dreams, and our panellists are gonna tell us how they'd
make it happen.
- So, James? - Yes.
I would like this sandwich to be put on permanent display
in the British Museum, and I want Guz and Suzi,
Guz and Suz, Guzi and Suzi, to tell me how they'd do it.
- Any rules? - Yes.
I want it to be on display in one of the main exhibition rooms,
not with all the other sandwiches in the cafe.
I want it to become one of the most frequently visited things
in the museum, up there with the Rosetta Stone,
the Egyptian mummies and the bogs.
There we go.
Guz, do you like museums?
- Yeah, some of them are good. - Yeah?
Like the ones with the dinosaur fossils in and that.
- Yeah. - But not, like, the Louvre.
That looks shit.
There's just loads of windows everywhere isn't there?
- Suzi, are you a museum? - I like museums, yeah.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
The main thing about walking round a museum is the whole time
going, "Ha-ha, look at me in the museum.
Aren't I clever?"
So what is your plan for, are you thinking, to get this
sandwich in the museum?
I reckon the way that you'd have to do it is you'd have to say
that the exhibition was like a theme.
Not about sandwiches.
I'd say you'd have to make it, like, time-specific.
So you could say that was, like, a sandwich from the year 2020.
Yeah.
You know, the year 2020, big things happened.
- There was COVID. - Yeah.
There's eventually gonna be museum-y stuff about that.
Yeah.
So you'd just put the sandwich in there, and then cover it over,
and you'd say, you'd put on the little thing,
you'd be like, "We could only have sandwiches cause
we weren't allowed out.".
Yeah.
And what else is in your exhibition of 2020 life?
There'd be a slide, and on it, it would say "next slide, please".
Oh, that's good.
Cause then people would be like, "Ah, it's funny as well."
Guz, what's your approach to trying to get the British Museum
to take the sandwich?
Look, the thing is, they're a bit, like, poncey.
My perception is they're for posh folks, yeah?
So I think appealing to the museum, to be,
like, "Look at Acaster's sandwich, yeah? It's incredible,"
they'd be like, "Get out.
We don't want to hear from you and what you think.
You're an uncultured heathen.
Off you go." Yeah?
Oh, I fucking hate these guys.
Do you know what I mean? Bad guys.
So what we need to do is, and I was thinking about it.
There was this lad that we knew when we were growing up.
He was called Aggro Ali, yeah?
And Aggro Ali had a really, like, very aggressive way
about getting something done.
Right?
The local paper shop, they stopped stocking tropical
Lucozade, and we were all so vexed about that, that we got Aggro Ali
in to go and put pressure on the uncle.
Next day, bam, the fridge was full of tropical Lucozade.
Aggro was a specialist at putting pressure on man to get the job done.
So I think what we do is we set up a company
that is investing in the sandwiches.
- Yeah. - What's the name of the sandwich?
- Give us a name. - Acaster Royale.
Acaster Royale, OK?
And we give Aggro, like, shares in the company, yeah?
We'll say, "Aggro, you're financially invested in this shit now.
You've gotta go get the museum to do what we want them to do."
Aggro kidnaps the curator.
We drive him out to the woods.
You, me and Aggro are there.
- OK? - Yeah.
- And we're gonna give the curator an ultimatum here. - Yeah.
And at this point, Acaster, this is your brand...
Can I just ask, why are you bothering to bring Acaster?
I appreciate it. Face of the brand.
- Face of the brand. - Yeah.
And also, when the police turn up, if there's two brown lads
in the forest, an added white guy in the gang reduces
the sentence massively, so.
You've gotta bring him along.
Yeah.
Thinking ahead of the game here.
Happy to. Happy to, Guz, by the way.
- We are now in the forest, Acaster. - Yeah.
Now it's up to you to explain to him why he's got to put this in.
"Listen to me." What's the curator called?
Tyler. Tyler the curator.
"Listen, curator, I'm sorry about Aggro Ali.
"I don't want to have to set him on you again.
"All you've got to do is put it on display and Aggro Ali,
"you'll never hear from him ever again, I promise you."
Never hear, but just to sweeten it before we go,
Aggro reminds him that not only do we need it on display,
we need it in the canteen, therefore ballooning our company.
We're making Ps, your shit's on display, no one goes to prison,
fuck the curator, end of story.
That's what happens.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's good. That's good.
That is a complete plan.
So your 2020 theme, why don't we play it out with Tyler
the curator, James?
Yes, I'll be Tyler the curator.
Put my little bowtie on.
Yeah? Do you want to bring out the museum?
Yeah, bring out the museum. CLIFF!
Cliff, bring the museum out right now.
His name is Cliff, he works in props.
He sets them up, and could do better.
Get out of here, Cliff.
I never want to see you again, until I need some more props.
Right, do you want to go down?
Sure, I'm Tyler the curator.
I'm just working in my museum.
OK.
- Hello. - Oh!
Sorry, I got kidnapped the other day. I'm a bit jumpy.
How can I help you?
I've got something pretty exciting for you.
I've got, I've got a pitch for, I see you've got a cabinet
there that's empty.
Yes, yes, we need to fill it.
- We were going to fill it with this, but it's... - Oh, I wouldn't use that.
I'm looking at it and it's useless shit, so.
Yeah.
Look, I've got a sandwich.
Oh, no.
What's wrong with a sandwich?
Oh, those other boys wanted me to put a sandwich in here.
Listen, I've got nothing to do with the other boys.
I don't even know Ali.
So, I appreciate lots of, your museum is fabulous.
Thank you very much. We stole all of it.
Yes.
A lot of it is very old, isn't it? It's very old.
It is old.
I feel like you need to update it a bit, don't you?
'Cause it feels like you'd be able to get younger people in,
who'd be interested in less of this old shit.
Yeah, yeah.
That's why I've been dressing all young and cool.
Yeah.
Unfortunately I've just realised that I'm wearing the top
to your trousers.
So I can't slag off what you're wearing.
That's a hell of a bouncy walk, though, isn't it, Suze?
You look like you're about to ask him where the toilets are.
Not a lot of people know that most of the British Museum
is a soft play area.
So, I was thinking you should keep a record of things that have
happened more recently.
Yeah.
And do you know that in 2020 more sandwiches were eaten
than ever before?
- Did you know that? - I had no idea.
Yeah. Shall I show you what it would look like?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, let's look.
So I think you'd probably.
You'd pop one there.
And maybe, you'd be a bit artistic with it, wouldn't you?
Then you go like that.
- Now look. - Oh.
It looks good, you can't argue with it.
Do you know what? I'm not even messing around now.
- That looks nice. - Yeah.
I like this. I like it a lot.
So people come and see the sandwich.
- Yeah. - Can they eat it?
- No. - Can they have a little taste?
- No, no. - A little taste for the kids?
- No... - Little taste for the kids?
It'll make the kids ill.
You'd also pop the plate on top, because that's sort of...
It's arty, and it's much nicer than when I was in the boot of a car .
Yeah.
Being yelled at by three men, one of whom I think was only
there to talk to the police.
Yeah.
I think you might have yourself a deal.
Yeah!
James?
I'm gonna give four points to Suzi Ruffell.
- Four points to Suzi Ruffell. - Yeah.
Where does that leave the scores, James?
That means that New Variant has zero points, whilst Carbonara
is in the lead with nine points.
Next up it's the Great Wall of Celebrities.
There it is.
Teams, you must take it in turns to pick a celeb and guess how
they answered a tricky hypothetical.
Each question is worth one point.
OK, New Variant, who are you going to pick?
Er, let's have, Ella Vaday.
We said to Ella Vaday you're famous for being a contestant on Drag Race.
Which of the following would you drag behind you for a year?
A - a tyre, like you're competing in a strongman competition.
B - a trailer full of old cabbages so you always stink.
Or C - a huge leg of lamb so that all the local dogs chase
you down the street.
Which would you prefer?
Out of them three?
I mean, they're stupid, aren't they?
The only one that's got any advantage is the tyre thing,
cause you'd get a bit more fit doing that.
Guz, which would you prefer to do?
I don't really like the connotations of A.
Like, when you drag a tyre behind,
I'm sure you've got to attach that tyre to a chain.
Do you two really want to put chains on me?
Back to you, Jack. Which would you prefer?
Ella Vaday, I'm saying because it is the only one that
isn't completely unpleasant and that has a possible upside.
- Tyre. - Is doing the tyre thing?
Let's have a look.
I think I would drag behind me a massive tyre,
just to show them how strong I am!
Yes.
There we go. Tyre is correct.
One point.
Suzi and Rose, Carbonara, who are you gonna go for?
I mean, it's got to be Dent, hasn't it?
It's got to be Dent.
Every time you travel in a car you must first
A - give it a full wash and valet,
B - climb in through the boot...
..or C - christen it by smashing a bottle of champagne against the side.
Which would you do?
Oh, I'd love to smash a bottle of champagne by the side of it.
- Yeah? - That would make me feel very bougee.
Yeah, it would.
It would be an expensive way to live for a year.
- Yeah, I think I'd really fuck up my car. - Mmm.
- Yeah. - I think my partner would be livid.
Your no-claims bonus is gonna get an absolute pounding.
- Yeah. Yeah. - Yeah.
What are we gonna go for?
I think she'll go for the champagne.
- Love it. - I think she's sneaky bougee.
Yeah? Gonna go C - champagne?
- Yeah. - Yeah, we are.
I would love to climb in through the boot.
Oh, no.
Dent!
No points.
I have done that before, cause I locked myself out of my car
and I could only open the boot, so I had to try and get
in through the boot.
And as I got in the boot, the boot door closed on me,
and I couldn't get the seats to go forward, and I was stuck in the car
for about an hour before anyone said, "Oh, where's Jack?"
you know.
It must have been really cramped with Claire Balding in there as well.
That as well.
OK, Jack and Guz, who are you gonna choose?
- Nina Wadia, I think, yeah. - That's it.
We said to EastEnder Nina Wadia you must slip one of the following
iconic EastEnders quotes into every conversation.
A - Get out of my pub.
B - You're not my mother.
Or C - or I didn't become a little bit of a slag,
I became a total slag.
Is that a quote from EastEnders?
Yeah. Dot Cotton.
No, it was Cat Slater.
Well, the logical one is to say you're not my mother,
cause it would be true, wouldn't it?
You could say that to anyone, except, unless it's your mum.
So let's have the conversation.
So I go hi, Jack, how have you been?
Yeah, I'm all right, actually, thanks, Josh.
I'd give you more details but you're not my mother, so.
It's easy. It's easy.
- Full of anger. - Full of anger.
Very good.
Guz, can we just try C with you?
Hi, Guz, how are you?
I'm good. Sorry to hear about your grandma's bowel cancer.
I didn't become a little bit of a slag, I became a total slag.
It's hard.
It's hard, innit, straight after.
It's hard, innit? You're right, Jack.
OK, what are you gonna go with?
I'm guessing "get out of my pub", actually.
I think it might be that one. What do you think?
I'm happy to go with you, bruv.
Yeah? All right, OK.
OK, let's see what Wadia went with.
It would have to be...
.."Get out of my pub."
Ah.
- There we are. - One point.
Lovely stuff.
Right, it's time for our next round, which is Not For a Million Quid.
In this round we want to know how much you'd need to be paid to live
through a hypothetical situation.
The lowest bidder has to tell us how they'd do it.
There's three points on offer if we think you could pull it off,
and if I don't believe your bid is genuine I will disqualify you.
The question is, how much to endure this?
For a year you must travel everywhere by doing the running man.
James, the rules.
No matter how long or short the journey, it must be done
via the dance craze that gripped the world in the early '80s
and hasn't let go since.
You can travel by other forms of transport, train,
tram, ferry, et cetera, but throughout the entire journey
you must be stood up and doing the running man.
And for those of you who don't know what the running man is,
to demonstrate, here's my cousin, Funky Patricia.
Yeah, yeah.
See her often?
Yeah, yeah, I see Funky Patricia, like, mainly just holidays
and stuff like that.
Yeah.
- Anyone here do the running man? - Course I haven't.
Why would I do that?
I'd never even heard of it until that, until I heard of it there.
Guz?
Not like that. That's very energetic.
But as part of the premise of this whole thing,
we've got to do that whilst we're on the transport as well?
Yeah.
You want me to do that all the way on PIA,
Pakistani International Airlines, all the way to Karachi,
for seven and a half hours?
Yeah.
I'm gonna get fucking battered by 27 aunties
from elbowing them in the head.
- It's not practical. - It's not gonna...
- It's not gonna work for you. - It's not.
I'm beginning to wish I'd done Taskmaster instead.
Any questions about how this would work for you?
- What if you're at a funeral? - Yeah.
And you've got to follow the coffin?
That is not gonna feel comfortable for anyone, is it?
No.
Exactly, but, you know, this is what we're asking you.
How much would we have to pay you to do that?
Oh, I see. Yeah, of course, that's it, isn't it? Yeah.
OK. Let's go for the bids.
Suzi, I know that you're a good dancer.
- Yeah. - You're a trained dancer.
A little, sure.
Did you do the running man?
No, I did tap, ballet and modern.
- You didn't do tap, ballet and the running man? - No.
Let's have a look at your, not your running man.
Let's have a look at your value.
Well, I'm gonna say a grand a day, so 365.
- Thousand pounds. - Good way to put it.
Yeah. Rose? Oh, no.
I think I've undervalued myself here.
Um.
I went for a hundred a day.
- Yeah. - I know you, Rose.
If I said to you any day, "I'll give you 100 quid today
if every time you travel you do the running man".
- No way. - You'd go, yeah, you'd say no.
And you've just done that.
And now you've agreed to it for 365 days.
I panicked.
Guz?
800 bags.
800,000 pound, cause it's not realistic,
and also, osteoporosis.
For a second there you thought you were...
I honestly have never experienced such pure happiness in all my life
as when I thought that said £800.
- Jack. - Well, I want a million quid.
I would have said a million as well, but 20% goes to Aggro, so.
How are you feeling?
Horrific.
Yeah. Bad? Feel bad?
Yeah, yeah.
When she was doing that, I was thinking I can't,
I've not got the natural rhythm to do that.
Uh-huh.
Are there any kind of situations you'd...
Well, Jack brought up a situation that was particularly...
Yes, Jack did bring up a situation I thought was particularly...
Maybe it would be nice to...
- What was that? - Play out the funeral.
Have you got a coffin back there?
Hmm, let's see. Have I?
CLIFF!
Bring out a coffin right now.
His name is Cliff, he works in props.
He sets them up, and could do better.
OK, James, are you happy to be a grieving widow?
I'm gonna be the grieving widow, as always.
It's very rare, Rose, that you turn up at a funeral
and you feel more depressed than the grieving widow.
Mmm. Mmmhmm.
I do apologise.
Oh, my dearest Matt, Matt Baker.
That's how he looked after the magic trick.
Whoa, very good.
- Hi. - Hello, there.
Are you Matt's wife?
Yes, I'm Matt's grieving widow.
Did you know that Matt, in his spare time, used to teach
dance to underprivileged street urchins?
- I had no idea. - Yeah.
I mean he was such a kind man, and he did talk about street
urchins, too much, actually.
Yeah, well, there was, there was this little street urchin.
Are you supposed to call them that if you're working with them?
Just... If you could just listen to my story, I think you'll.
- I'll happily listen to your story. - Thank you.
Come closer and tell me more. Come over here.
Um, yeah.
Um, yeah, there was this little street urchin.
- Yes? - Called Rose, actually.
And she was this little girl, and he taught her this dance,
and I just want to say that...
..I am that street urchin.
What?
And I happen to know that Matt said that at his funeral nothing
would make him happier than if I did the running man dance
after his coffin, and if his wife also did it.
Yeah, yeah.
You know what? I'd be happy to.
Lead the way.
I'll happily dance with you, Rose the street urchin.
- Thank you. - Who is now a street woman.
Funky Patricia.
Oh, shit, I'm going the wrong way.
That was.
- Woo. - The best funeral I've ever seen.
James?
I mean it's obvious, isn't it?
Do you think Rose could do that for a year?
Of course Rose could do it.
I award Rose the full three points.
The full three points.
It's time for On The Spot.
In this round we're going to deliver a series of rapid fire hypotheticals
which we want our panellists to solve as quickly as possible,
because we've only got the studio until 7:00.
Josh will read out the hypothetical and then I will say the name
of the person I would like to answer it.
But if we're not buying the answer we will hit our buttons to stop
the clock and ask what the hell you're on about.
Best player wins the round, capiche?
OK, are we ready?
- Yes. - Here we go.
You have 24 hours to become known as the human shuttlecock.
- How do you do it? - Jack.
Er, cover myself in feathers and jump off a high building.
Sounds good to me.
You're at the Crucible watching Stephen Hendry play snooker.
Get him to break a snooker cue over your head.
Rose.
Er, take all my clothes off, jump on the table and start putting
all the balls in the pockets.
Do you know what? You probably didn't need to take your clothes off
in that situation.
You turn up at Elton John's house for a party dressed as you are now.
When you get to the end of his long driveway
you realise it's fancy dress.
- What do you do? - Guz.
Tell him I'm there to deliver the weed.
You're on a beach rammed with sunbathers.
You have five minutes to get them all in the sea.
- Suzi. - The sharks are ON the beach.
Get in the sea, get away from them.
The sharks are on the beach, get in the sea.
After the global success of fanny packs and bum bags you must invent
the next slightly suggestive sounding luggage item.
- Jack. - Er, it'll be ankle strap.
I've got to ask what's suggestive about that.
I mean, Jack's from a different era to us.
Oh, yeah.
Still gets you a bit hot and bothered.
A bit of ankle. I don't...
I can't even look at piano legs, I'm just, that's how old I am.
That would be an ankle strap.
Right.
You're visiting the Tower of London.
Convince a beefeater to swap outfits with you.
- Guz. - A beefeater?
It's one of the guys in the red tunic outfits at the Tower of London
and the red hat.
No, no, no, no, just let Guz figure it out.
- That's... - He's on my team.
What do you think a beefeater is?
Well, I thought it was a motherfucker that ate beef, but clearly not.
Kind of.
Jack, you're saying they're the people with the hats?
Yeah, the people with the hats, and they guard the Tower of London
with a big pike thing.
Loaded question, because I heard that there are snipers that shoot
you if you try and touch them or approach them too much.
So why are you trying to get me killed?
You were trying to put me in chains earlier on.
Now you're trying to get me shot. I don't like this question.
I don't feel like answering it.
Let's bring the lights down again and carry on.
Mini Mars Bars, Mini Cheddars, Mini Coopers.
You must come up with the next big thing to be in miniature.
Guz.
Mini beefeaters. Have you heard of them?
Little ones, the little ones.
They're rats.
The world's bears have overslept.
How do you wake them up from hibernation?
- Suzi. - Er...
You get Goldilocks and go, "Oy, wake up, get out of bed."
We've all had enough of "achoo".
Can you come up with a new sneeze noise?
Guz.
Tahhh.
Bless you.
Bless you!
You are unbelievably hungry but all you have in your bag
is a sandwich and a bag of crisps.
- What do you do? - Jack.
- Eat them. - Correct.
- Every week there's one that is easy. - Oh.
And this week we gave it to you, Jack.
Aha, but I wasn't falling for it, was I?
Zips, buttons, Velcro. Yawn.
You have to come up with a new way of keeping your trousers up.
Rose.
Get two rats, and you've gotta get them to clamp their teeth together.
Yeah.
You've been approached to write a tell-all autobiography.
The title must be a pun on your name. What is it?
- Jack. - Oh, Dee.
How about that? That's not bad, is it? Oh, dear, oh, Dee.
I mean, it's shit, but it's a shit question.
I'm only... I'm playing like for like here.
You must circumnavigate the...
Oh.
- We'll never know. We'll never know. - Oh.
James, after all that, who was the best
and gets the points for that round?
I think I've got to give the points to Jack Dee there.
Yeah, he answered a lot of questions.
And how many are you giving him?
I'm gonna give Jack one point.
One point.
It's pretty hard going, isn't it?
It's time for our final round, the one that decides it all.
We're heading back to the Wall of Celebrities to ask the biggest
question in showbiz.
When are they going to do a gritty reboot of the Rugrats?
No.
It's Big Hat Small Hat.
We asked our six celebs whether they would choose the big
hat or the small hat.
James, what were the rules of the question?
We told the celebrities you have to wear the hat for the rest
of your life, you can't wear a medium size hat over the small
hat, and these are the hats.
All you have to do is tell us which hat the celebrity chose.
James, before this question, can we have the scores?
Yes. New Variant has three points, whilst Carbonara are in the lead
with 12 points.
Who is the question for and how many points is it worth?
The question is for New Variant and it's worth ten points.
Oh.
So, New Variant, it all comes down to this.
Can we have the dramatic lighting change, please?
Which celebrity would like to choose to play Big Hat Small Hat?
Just because I think she's the most sensible of the bunch,
do you think we should go for Dent, and be sensible?
- What do you think? - Yeah, I think that's good logic.
I think that is good. I follow that absolutely.
And based on that logic, just so I know we're in sync here,
what hat is Dent gonna choose?
I would then say she'd go for the big one, to fit on her head.
- Innit? Yeah, I think so. - Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
You're going for the victory.
Dent. What do you think about that?
I think it's good logic.
She's got a big brain, do you know what I mean?
- Yeah, big brain, big hat. - OK.
For the victory, you are going Susie Dent, big hat.
- Oh, come on. - Let's see.
Come on.
This one is quite easy for me. I'm going to go with the big one.
- It's the big hat. - And hide.
James, what are the final scores?
Carbonara has 12 points,
whilst New Variant are the winners with 13 points.
Congratulations to New Variant.
You've proved your worth in a non-existent hypothetical universe.
You're this week's winners. James, what have they won?
As I said before, the hypothetical prizes are a first edition copy
of the Yellow Pages, 49 conkers, three waxworks of Adrian Chiles
and a haircut whether you like it or not, but those were
just hypothetical prizes.
You've actually won an unexpected visit from Aggro Ali.
Thanks to our guests, Jack Dee.
Guz Khan.
Rose Johnson.
And Suzi Ruffell.
And extra special thanks to my co-host and points enthusiast,
James Acaster.
Goodnight.