1 00:00:38,363 --> 00:00:42,643 Hello, and welcome to Hypothetical, the show that pits my favourite 2 00:00:42,643 --> 00:00:46,523 comedians against a variety of tricky hypothetical scenarios. 3 00:00:46,523 --> 00:00:48,043 Let's meet today's guests. 4 00:00:48,043 --> 00:00:50,123 On my right it's Jack Dee and Guz Khan. 5 00:00:55,003 --> 00:00:58,083 Up against them it's Rose Johnson and Suzi Ruffell. 6 00:01:03,683 --> 00:01:06,483 And now it's time to introduce my co-host and arbiter 7 00:01:06,483 --> 00:01:09,883 of hypotheticals, a man who's spent the week trying out a new nickname, 8 00:01:09,883 --> 00:01:12,323 but I refuse to call him Captain Slinky Hips. 9 00:01:12,323 --> 00:01:13,923 It's James Acaster. 10 00:01:26,043 --> 00:01:28,003 - Hello, James. - Josh. 11 00:01:28,003 --> 00:01:29,283 How's it going? 12 00:01:29,283 --> 00:01:31,323 Pretty good. The kids don't know that it's meant to be free, 13 00:01:31,363 --> 00:01:33,203 so I make a sweet buck... 14 00:01:35,883 --> 00:01:38,843 ..every time they need to cross the road. 15 00:01:38,843 --> 00:01:41,043 Now, before we start we need some team names. 16 00:01:41,083 --> 00:01:44,323 Jack and Guz, what have you come up with? 17 00:01:44,323 --> 00:01:46,163 We're New Variant. 18 00:01:54,123 --> 00:01:56,083 I've gotta be real. That was all Jack. 19 00:01:56,123 --> 00:01:59,843 That is very funny, and obviously it also makes us sound like we could be 20 00:01:59,883 --> 00:02:00,923 a new boy band. 21 00:02:01,003 --> 00:02:02,323 Yeah. 22 00:02:02,323 --> 00:02:04,803 Considering, you know, COVID19 sounds like a band 23 00:02:04,843 --> 00:02:06,003 anyway, doesn't it? 24 00:02:06,043 --> 00:02:07,083 From the '90s or something. 25 00:02:07,083 --> 00:02:08,283 - Yeah. - A pop-punk band. 26 00:02:08,323 --> 00:02:09,323 COVID19. 27 00:02:12,003 --> 00:02:14,323 You put a little spin on it, it sounds like not such a bad 28 00:02:14,363 --> 00:02:15,483 thing after all. 29 00:02:18,283 --> 00:02:19,323 Make people positive, right? 30 00:02:19,363 --> 00:02:22,643 Yeah, bring a bit of sunshine, for God's sake. 31 00:02:22,643 --> 00:02:25,843 I don't think "make people positive" should be the slogan for COVID19. 32 00:02:32,283 --> 00:02:34,243 Suzi, Rose, what have you gone for? 33 00:02:34,283 --> 00:02:37,403 Er, we are going for Carbonara. 34 00:02:37,443 --> 00:02:39,403 - Carbonara. - Yeah, why? 35 00:02:39,443 --> 00:02:41,643 Can't be beaten, so... 36 00:02:41,643 --> 00:02:43,283 Absolutely can't. 37 00:02:43,323 --> 00:02:45,923 We've never had someone trying to start an applause just by, 38 00:02:45,963 --> 00:02:48,523 "Yeah, don't need the explanation." 39 00:02:50,083 --> 00:02:51,803 We've met our teams. 40 00:02:51,843 --> 00:02:54,843 Let's find out what they're playing for, James. 41 00:02:54,883 --> 00:02:57,643 This week's hypothetical prizes are a first edition copy 42 00:02:57,683 --> 00:03:02,243 of the Yellow Pages, 49 conkers, three waxworks of Adrian Chiles 43 00:03:02,283 --> 00:03:05,283 and a haircut, whether you like it or not. 44 00:03:06,443 --> 00:03:08,203 Our first round is What Would You Do? 45 00:03:11,203 --> 00:03:12,683 James, how many points are up for grabs? 46 00:03:12,723 --> 00:03:15,083 I'll be awarding up to five points depending on how they deal 47 00:03:15,123 --> 00:03:17,643 with the scenario, from one, you're getting the wooden spoon, 48 00:03:17,683 --> 00:03:19,763 up to five, you're getting the wooden spoon and it's full 49 00:03:19,803 --> 00:03:20,843 of lovely soup. 50 00:03:22,603 --> 00:03:24,963 - Or carbonara. - Or carbonara. 51 00:03:25,683 --> 00:03:27,003 The first question is a head to head. 52 00:03:27,043 --> 00:03:28,483 The winning team gets the points. 53 00:03:28,523 --> 00:03:30,643 Jack, you'll be representing New Variant. 54 00:03:30,683 --> 00:03:33,203 - Aha. - Rose, you're playing for Carbonara. 55 00:03:33,243 --> 00:03:34,283 OK. 56 00:03:34,283 --> 00:03:37,323 During rehearsal for his next internationally televised magic 57 00:03:37,363 --> 00:03:41,403 show, David Copperfield has accidentally made himself disappear. 58 00:03:41,443 --> 00:03:44,363 Suddenly there's a gap in the schedule that needs filling 59 00:03:44,403 --> 00:03:48,603 for a brand new global superstar magician, you. 60 00:03:48,643 --> 00:03:50,523 How do you do it? James, the rules. 61 00:03:50,563 --> 00:03:53,163 You have to come up with a unique persona 62 00:03:53,203 --> 00:03:55,043 and a memorable magician name. 63 00:03:55,083 --> 00:03:59,643 For example, the Marvellous Marvo the Mysterious, or Derren. 64 00:04:04,483 --> 00:04:08,843 You must come up with a signature magic trick, and only one act can be 65 00:04:08,883 --> 00:04:11,803 booked to replace Copperfield, so you must convince the head 66 00:04:11,843 --> 00:04:14,323 of the Magic Circle that it should be you. 67 00:04:14,363 --> 00:04:16,243 OK. Are you a fan of magic? 68 00:04:16,283 --> 00:04:20,243 I like magic, except it's not magic, is it? 69 00:04:20,283 --> 00:04:23,163 Magic is supernatural stuff happening 70 00:04:23,163 --> 00:04:24,803 before your very eyes. 71 00:04:24,803 --> 00:04:26,923 It's a bloody trick. 72 00:04:26,963 --> 00:04:27,883 I have that sometimes. 73 00:04:27,923 --> 00:04:29,883 Some of my gigs, people are like, "It's comedy." 74 00:04:29,923 --> 00:04:30,923 No, it's not. 75 00:04:33,323 --> 00:04:36,123 I've said that once, James. Let it go. 76 00:04:37,363 --> 00:04:39,283 Are you a fan of magic, Rose? 77 00:04:39,283 --> 00:04:42,123 Yeah, to be honest, sort of similar story to Jack. 78 00:04:42,163 --> 00:04:44,843 I just think it annoys me. 79 00:04:44,883 --> 00:04:47,603 If you saw Dynamo and he managed to make... 80 00:04:47,643 --> 00:04:48,923 He's the worst one. 81 00:04:48,963 --> 00:04:50,043 Is he? 82 00:04:50,043 --> 00:04:51,603 I slightly disagree. 83 00:04:51,643 --> 00:04:55,203 I think Dynamo is an incredible magician, but he needs to get 84 00:04:55,243 --> 00:04:58,163 a magician's voice, and that's what he hasn't got. 85 00:04:58,163 --> 00:05:02,003 Cause he's very, very good, but then he says, "My name's Dynamo, 86 00:05:02,043 --> 00:05:07,003 I'm dead good at magic, me," and it's not, it's not a magic 87 00:05:07,043 --> 00:05:08,763 voice, is it? 88 00:05:08,803 --> 00:05:11,083 You want, "Yes, I'm Dynamo." 89 00:05:11,123 --> 00:05:13,003 You know, or if you're gonna talk like that, 90 00:05:13,043 --> 00:05:15,443 call yourself Derek or something, but don't... 91 00:05:15,483 --> 00:05:17,483 So what voice are you gonna have for your magician? 92 00:05:17,523 --> 00:05:20,083 - "My voice for magic.". - Ooh. 93 00:05:20,123 --> 00:05:21,443 One ticket, please. 94 00:05:23,043 --> 00:05:24,683 - I love it. - Yeah. 95 00:05:24,723 --> 00:05:26,443 - Rose, have you got a magic voice? - Yeah. 96 00:05:26,483 --> 00:05:30,683 Um, it's gonna go along with a character, I think. 97 00:05:30,683 --> 00:05:32,403 Shall I tell you the name of the character? 98 00:05:32,403 --> 00:05:35,403 First thing that popped into my head. I'm going with it. The Sneaky Rat. 99 00:05:35,403 --> 00:05:37,403 - Yeah. - Oh, that's good. The Sneaky Rat. 100 00:05:37,563 --> 00:05:41,243 I think it would be like a bit of a Pied Piper, a bit creepy. 101 00:05:41,283 --> 00:05:43,723 Hello, hello, my pretties. 102 00:05:43,763 --> 00:05:48,123 So, yeah, I think the Sneaky Rat, so I'm dressed as a rat, obviously. 103 00:05:48,163 --> 00:05:49,803 - Obviously. - Oh, obviously. 104 00:05:49,843 --> 00:05:51,883 And I'll use rats in the act. 105 00:05:51,883 --> 00:05:53,523 - Ugh. - Sorry. 106 00:05:53,563 --> 00:05:55,483 - You're on her team, Suzi. - Come on. 107 00:05:55,523 --> 00:05:56,683 Yeah, wicked. 108 00:06:01,083 --> 00:06:02,643 And what would your, what would be... 109 00:06:02,643 --> 00:06:04,483 You've got your magician's voice, Jack. 110 00:06:04,483 --> 00:06:05,563 Yes. 111 00:06:05,603 --> 00:06:09,243 My magician's name is Pizazz. 112 00:06:09,283 --> 00:06:11,283 - Yeah. - Pizazz, yeah. 113 00:06:11,323 --> 00:06:13,203 - Do you wanna know what he does? - Yeah. 114 00:06:13,243 --> 00:06:19,043 Um, basically, I get into a car, and I get lifted to a great height 115 00:06:19,083 --> 00:06:20,403 by a crane. 116 00:06:20,443 --> 00:06:23,283 Right? And everyone's watching, they're filming it, obviously. 117 00:06:23,323 --> 00:06:26,363 I mean really high, and then they drop the car, 118 00:06:26,403 --> 00:06:31,363 and, and it hits, obviously hits the ground, and then I get out. 119 00:06:31,403 --> 00:06:32,403 Yeah. 120 00:06:32,403 --> 00:06:35,603 But how I don't get hurt is it's not really me. 121 00:06:35,643 --> 00:06:38,123 - Oh. - No. It would be someone else. 122 00:06:46,443 --> 00:06:48,763 It would probably be... it would be someone like Matt Baker. 123 00:06:48,763 --> 00:06:50,603 Yeah. 124 00:06:52,043 --> 00:06:54,443 You know, because he's hard and, you know, he'll do things 125 00:06:54,483 --> 00:06:56,403 like that for me. 126 00:06:56,443 --> 00:06:59,123 I'm doing it next week with Monty Don. 127 00:07:02,123 --> 00:07:03,323 Wow. 128 00:07:03,363 --> 00:07:05,123 I think that's a pretty strong. 129 00:07:05,163 --> 00:07:07,563 They both sound pretty, they both sound quite alluring. 130 00:07:07,603 --> 00:07:09,203 What's the trick for? 131 00:07:09,243 --> 00:07:15,683 So, the trick is, I've trained the rats, over a period of time. 132 00:07:15,723 --> 00:07:21,283 Half the rats I've trained to do a human, a rat pyramid. 133 00:07:21,323 --> 00:07:23,043 - Yeah. - Like a human pyramid, but rats. 134 00:07:23,043 --> 00:07:26,843 And everyone's attention is on the rat pyramid. 135 00:07:26,883 --> 00:07:31,683 However, over there is, like, a cruise ship, 136 00:07:31,723 --> 00:07:35,243 or whatever, and while half the rats are doing that, 137 00:07:35,283 --> 00:07:37,963 the other half are carrying that away. 138 00:07:38,003 --> 00:07:40,243 - Can I ask a question? - Mmm, please. 139 00:07:40,283 --> 00:07:43,443 Um, the point is that you're using the rat pyramid to distract 140 00:07:43,483 --> 00:07:44,483 from the boat being moved. 141 00:07:44,523 --> 00:07:46,203 - Yeah. - So no one's looking at it. 142 00:07:46,203 --> 00:07:47,323 No. 143 00:07:47,323 --> 00:07:48,763 Could you get people to just move the boat? 144 00:07:51,163 --> 00:07:52,803 Someone could just drive it. 145 00:07:52,843 --> 00:07:54,443 Yeah, they could just drive the boat away. 146 00:07:56,283 --> 00:08:00,563 Mmm, but it's like a second trick, innit? 147 00:08:02,003 --> 00:08:04,643 The second extra thing. 148 00:08:04,683 --> 00:08:06,603 - James. - Hello. 149 00:08:06,603 --> 00:08:09,083 Would you like, shall we put it to the test? 150 00:08:09,123 --> 00:08:11,363 Would you like to play the head of the Magic Circle? 151 00:08:11,363 --> 00:08:14,083 Does this answer your question? 152 00:08:15,723 --> 00:08:17,603 Yes. 153 00:08:18,723 --> 00:08:19,803 Have you got any props for this? 154 00:08:19,843 --> 00:08:21,603 Certainly have. Alakazam. 155 00:08:24,243 --> 00:08:25,643 The props. 156 00:08:25,643 --> 00:08:29,363 I'm just gonna, you know, doss around in my office and wait 157 00:08:29,403 --> 00:08:30,683 for people to come and pitch me magic. 158 00:08:30,723 --> 00:08:31,643 Who would you like first? 159 00:08:31,643 --> 00:08:35,643 Yeah, first I would like to see the Sneaky Rat. 160 00:08:35,643 --> 00:08:38,803 Pow! Send them in. Pow! 161 00:08:38,843 --> 00:08:40,443 Yeah, yeah. 162 00:08:44,563 --> 00:08:46,283 Good to see you. Do you like magic? 163 00:08:46,323 --> 00:08:48,563 I love it, yeah. 164 00:08:48,603 --> 00:08:50,483 Wow. Yeah. 165 00:08:59,963 --> 00:09:01,203 Do you like rabbits? 166 00:09:01,243 --> 00:09:02,563 Yeah. 167 00:09:02,603 --> 00:09:04,923 Not as much as I like rats. 168 00:09:04,923 --> 00:09:06,483 What? 169 00:09:06,483 --> 00:09:08,403 Rats? 170 00:09:08,563 --> 00:09:11,123 No, I've never seen a magician work with rats before. 171 00:09:11,163 --> 00:09:12,763 - Yeah. - This is already intriguing. 172 00:09:12,803 --> 00:09:15,163 So do you want me to get up and have a go, and, like, walk you through it? 173 00:09:15,163 --> 00:09:17,003 I would love to. I'd love to see this trick. 174 00:09:17,043 --> 00:09:19,363 OK. So, everyone arrives. 175 00:09:19,403 --> 00:09:21,563 - Yeah. - Via cruise ship. 176 00:09:21,603 --> 00:09:22,923 - OK? - What? Via cruise ship? 177 00:09:22,963 --> 00:09:26,403 Yeah. This is taking place at the docks. 178 00:09:26,403 --> 00:09:27,763 The docks. 179 00:09:27,763 --> 00:09:29,203 - Never been on a cruise ship. - OK. 180 00:09:29,243 --> 00:09:31,203 That's usually where stabbings take place. 181 00:09:31,203 --> 00:09:35,123 Well, listen, we all arrive at the docks, OK? 182 00:09:35,163 --> 00:09:37,283 Everyone files off the ship. 183 00:09:37,283 --> 00:09:40,403 Um, meanwhile, thousands of rats, just along the little, 184 00:09:40,443 --> 00:09:42,403 you know, the strings that hold the ship. 185 00:09:42,403 --> 00:09:44,003 - Yeah, yeah. - Thousands of them. 186 00:09:44,043 --> 00:09:45,843 They're actually, yeah, they dock the ship. 187 00:09:45,883 --> 00:09:48,203 This is already, by the way, astonishing. 188 00:09:48,243 --> 00:09:49,243 Thank you. 189 00:09:50,483 --> 00:09:53,803 Then I come out doing my Sneaky Rat routine. 190 00:09:53,843 --> 00:09:56,003 "Ooh, follow me, my pretties. 191 00:09:56,043 --> 00:09:58,523 Come to the performance area." 192 00:09:58,563 --> 00:10:02,483 And then I, and then I say, "Prepare to witness the greatest 193 00:10:02,523 --> 00:10:07,563 and largest pyramid of rats you have ever witnessed with your eyes." 194 00:10:07,603 --> 00:10:11,003 Um, and then, just as the final rat is about to reach the top 195 00:10:11,043 --> 00:10:15,203 of the pyramid, I say, "I hope you enjoyed the show, 196 00:10:15,243 --> 00:10:19,683 but, ladies and gentlemen, how are you going to get home?" 197 00:10:19,723 --> 00:10:21,803 The cruise ship has disappeared. 198 00:10:21,803 --> 00:10:24,043 Someone just, someone drove it away? 199 00:10:24,043 --> 00:10:27,563 No. No. No. 200 00:10:29,083 --> 00:10:30,843 That's what I'm assuming. 201 00:10:30,883 --> 00:10:33,043 I have to see other people, but I think, I think you're 202 00:10:33,043 --> 00:10:34,123 in with a good chance. 203 00:10:34,163 --> 00:10:36,323 Thank you for seeing me. 204 00:10:36,363 --> 00:10:39,163 - Well done. - That was very good. 205 00:10:41,083 --> 00:10:43,043 Right, send in my next interviewee. Pizazz. 206 00:10:44,803 --> 00:10:45,843 Pizazz, come in here. 207 00:10:45,883 --> 00:10:47,043 Do I go up? 208 00:10:47,083 --> 00:10:48,603 Ah. 209 00:10:48,603 --> 00:10:50,323 Go on, Pizazz. 210 00:10:50,323 --> 00:10:51,643 Get them, brother. 211 00:10:52,723 --> 00:10:54,843 Welcome, Pizazz. 212 00:10:54,843 --> 00:10:56,843 - Thank you, thank you. - Do you wanna see a magic trick? 213 00:10:56,883 --> 00:10:58,043 I would love to see a magic trick. 214 00:10:58,083 --> 00:11:00,603 I'll show you the best magic trick in the world. 215 00:11:00,643 --> 00:11:02,203 Get a load of this. 216 00:11:02,243 --> 00:11:05,003 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, look at this. Look at this stuff. 217 00:11:05,043 --> 00:11:07,323 Yeah. I'll just stand here. 218 00:11:08,403 --> 00:11:11,443 Whoa! Whoa! 219 00:11:12,563 --> 00:11:15,803 Pizazz, have you ever seen such things? 220 00:11:21,763 --> 00:11:24,363 It was eerie. Eerie. 221 00:11:24,363 --> 00:11:25,603 What have you got for me? 222 00:11:25,643 --> 00:11:27,563 I've got the idea. 223 00:11:27,603 --> 00:11:28,843 Well, it's not an idea. 224 00:11:28,883 --> 00:11:30,643 - It's tried and proven. - Yeah. 225 00:11:30,683 --> 00:11:33,763 That what you do is you get someone in a car, 226 00:11:33,763 --> 00:11:35,643 and you lift them up in a crane. 227 00:11:35,643 --> 00:11:36,843 - Yeah. - Drop it. 228 00:11:36,883 --> 00:11:38,003 Yeah. 229 00:11:38,003 --> 00:11:40,283 You haven't even asked me what the magic words are yet. 230 00:11:40,323 --> 00:11:41,403 What are the magic words? 231 00:11:42,923 --> 00:11:44,683 Er, you know. 232 00:11:44,723 --> 00:11:46,683 You know it's traditional in the Magic Circle to know 233 00:11:46,683 --> 00:11:47,843 the answer to the question 234 00:11:47,843 --> 00:11:50,803 before you ask the person to ask you the question. 235 00:11:50,803 --> 00:11:52,963 It's, it's car-up-in-a-crane. 236 00:11:53,003 --> 00:11:54,763 Car up in a crane. 237 00:11:54,763 --> 00:11:56,203 Car-up-in-a-crane. 238 00:11:56,243 --> 00:11:58,523 - The audience, they love that stuff. - Yeah. 239 00:11:58,563 --> 00:11:59,603 They're all chanting it. 240 00:11:59,603 --> 00:12:01,683 "Car-up-in-a-crane, car-up-in-a-crane." 241 00:12:01,723 --> 00:12:03,363 Then the car gets lifted up in the crane. 242 00:12:03,403 --> 00:12:04,643 They've got... There's someone... 243 00:12:04,643 --> 00:12:06,203 They think it's me in it, but it's not me. 244 00:12:06,243 --> 00:12:07,563 - Not you. - We swap it over. 245 00:12:07,603 --> 00:12:09,323 "Matt, get in the car." 246 00:12:09,363 --> 00:12:11,643 "I don't want to do it again." "But get in, get in." 247 00:12:11,643 --> 00:12:12,643 Right? 248 00:12:12,643 --> 00:12:15,843 Crane goes up, you know, 90, 100 feet. 249 00:12:15,883 --> 00:12:16,883 Nick Knowles. 250 00:12:17,003 --> 00:12:18,363 Do you know Nick Knowles? 251 00:12:18,403 --> 00:12:19,603 I didn't know Knowlesy was involved. 252 00:12:19,603 --> 00:12:21,283 Yeah, he operates the crane. 253 00:12:25,403 --> 00:12:27,363 Up it goes, right? Incredible thing. 254 00:12:27,403 --> 00:12:29,963 And then, the next bit is they get chanting, 255 00:12:30,003 --> 00:12:32,923 "Car up in a crane, come down again." 256 00:12:35,043 --> 00:12:36,483 - I love a rhyme. - Yes. 257 00:12:36,523 --> 00:12:41,963 Then the electric magnet that holds the car, just lets go, 258 00:12:42,003 --> 00:12:45,003 and it drops right down to the ground, right? 259 00:12:45,043 --> 00:12:47,643 And then everyone's saying, "Oh my God. 260 00:12:47,683 --> 00:12:50,443 - "Is Pizazz gonna be OK?"? - Yeah. 261 00:12:50,483 --> 00:12:55,883 Well, then the sheet comes up, open the door, get Matt out, 262 00:12:55,923 --> 00:12:59,923 you know, slap him about a bit, and then put me... 263 00:12:59,923 --> 00:13:01,843 I'm back in the car seat again. 264 00:13:01,843 --> 00:13:02,923 Yeah. 265 00:13:02,923 --> 00:13:04,403 Drop the sheet and it's me, right? 266 00:13:04,443 --> 00:13:06,243 They go crazy. 267 00:13:06,283 --> 00:13:08,763 Then, the boot of the car springs open. 268 00:13:08,763 --> 00:13:09,843 - Ah. - Right? 269 00:13:09,883 --> 00:13:11,643 Claire Balding jumps out. 270 00:13:14,323 --> 00:13:15,843 OK. I love it. 271 00:13:17,203 --> 00:13:18,323 - James? - OK. 272 00:13:18,323 --> 00:13:20,963 Now, listen, these are both... Thank you, Pizazz. 273 00:13:21,003 --> 00:13:23,403 - Do I go back? - Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure. 274 00:13:28,083 --> 00:13:30,083 - James? - Look, both are amazing. 275 00:13:30,123 --> 00:13:31,723 I don't want either of you to get discouraged. 276 00:13:31,763 --> 00:13:33,243 I've got to give it to the Sneaky Rat. 277 00:13:33,283 --> 00:13:35,723 - Five points to the Sneaky Rat. - Five points to the Sneaky Rat. 278 00:13:35,723 --> 00:13:37,443 - Well done. - Thank you. 279 00:13:39,163 --> 00:13:41,443 It's time for James's Wishlist. 280 00:13:41,443 --> 00:13:44,763 James's wish list, wish upon a star. 281 00:13:49,043 --> 00:13:51,763 In this round we're gonna be picking something from James's ever-growing 282 00:13:51,803 --> 00:13:54,643 list of dreams, and our panellists are gonna tell us how they'd 283 00:13:54,683 --> 00:13:55,643 make it happen. 284 00:13:55,643 --> 00:13:57,283 - So, James? - Yes. 285 00:13:57,323 --> 00:14:02,443 I would like this sandwich to be put on permanent display 286 00:14:02,483 --> 00:14:07,403 in the British Museum, and I want Guz and Suzi, 287 00:14:07,443 --> 00:14:12,643 Guz and Suz, Guzi and Suzi, to tell me how they'd do it. 288 00:14:12,683 --> 00:14:13,843 - Any rules? - Yes. 289 00:14:13,883 --> 00:14:16,603 I want it to be on display in one of the main exhibition rooms, 290 00:14:16,643 --> 00:14:19,283 not with all the other sandwiches in the cafe. 291 00:14:19,323 --> 00:14:21,843 I want it to become one of the most frequently visited things 292 00:14:21,883 --> 00:14:24,363 in the museum, up there with the Rosetta Stone, 293 00:14:24,403 --> 00:14:27,163 the Egyptian mummies and the bogs. 294 00:14:27,203 --> 00:14:28,763 There we go. 295 00:14:28,763 --> 00:14:30,043 Guz, do you like museums? 296 00:14:30,083 --> 00:14:31,683 - Yeah, some of them are good. - Yeah? 297 00:14:31,723 --> 00:14:34,803 Like the ones with the dinosaur fossils in and that. 298 00:14:34,843 --> 00:14:36,883 - Yeah. - But not, like, the Louvre. 299 00:14:36,923 --> 00:14:37,923 That looks shit. 300 00:14:37,923 --> 00:14:41,123 There's just loads of windows everywhere isn't there? 301 00:14:41,163 --> 00:14:43,203 - Suzi, are you a museum? - I like museums, yeah. 302 00:14:43,243 --> 00:14:44,403 - Yeah? - Yeah. 303 00:14:44,443 --> 00:14:47,603 The main thing about walking round a museum is the whole time 304 00:14:47,643 --> 00:14:49,843 going, "Ha-ha, look at me in the museum. 305 00:14:49,883 --> 00:14:51,003 Aren't I clever?" 306 00:14:51,003 --> 00:14:53,283 So what is your plan for, are you thinking, to get this 307 00:14:53,283 --> 00:14:54,443 sandwich in the museum? 308 00:14:54,483 --> 00:14:56,723 I reckon the way that you'd have to do it is you'd have to say 309 00:14:56,763 --> 00:14:58,883 that the exhibition was like a theme. 310 00:14:58,923 --> 00:14:59,883 Not about sandwiches. 311 00:14:59,923 --> 00:15:02,403 I'd say you'd have to make it, like, time-specific. 312 00:15:02,443 --> 00:15:06,043 So you could say that was, like, a sandwich from the year 2020. 313 00:15:06,083 --> 00:15:07,003 Yeah. 314 00:15:07,003 --> 00:15:09,323 You know, the year 2020, big things happened. 315 00:15:09,363 --> 00:15:10,683 - There was COVID. - Yeah. 316 00:15:10,723 --> 00:15:13,443 There's eventually gonna be museum-y stuff about that. 317 00:15:13,483 --> 00:15:14,443 Yeah. 318 00:15:14,443 --> 00:15:16,643 So you'd just put the sandwich in there, and then cover it over, 319 00:15:16,683 --> 00:15:18,203 and you'd say, you'd put on the little thing, 320 00:15:18,243 --> 00:15:20,203 you'd be like, "We could only have sandwiches cause 321 00:15:20,243 --> 00:15:21,643 we weren't allowed out.". 322 00:15:21,683 --> 00:15:22,723 Yeah. 323 00:15:22,723 --> 00:15:25,963 And what else is in your exhibition of 2020 life? 324 00:15:25,963 --> 00:15:28,803 There'd be a slide, and on it, it would say "next slide, please". 325 00:15:28,803 --> 00:15:30,803 Oh, that's good. 326 00:15:30,803 --> 00:15:32,763 Cause then people would be like, "Ah, it's funny as well." 327 00:15:32,803 --> 00:15:36,883 Guz, what's your approach to trying to get the British Museum 328 00:15:36,923 --> 00:15:38,163 to take the sandwich? 329 00:15:38,163 --> 00:15:41,723 Look, the thing is, they're a bit, like, poncey. 330 00:15:41,763 --> 00:15:45,243 My perception is they're for posh folks, yeah? 331 00:15:45,283 --> 00:15:48,163 So I think appealing to the museum, to be, 332 00:15:48,203 --> 00:15:52,323 like, "Look at Acaster's sandwich, yeah? It's incredible," 333 00:15:52,323 --> 00:15:53,683 they'd be like, "Get out. 334 00:15:53,683 --> 00:15:56,403 We don't want to hear from you and what you think. 335 00:15:56,443 --> 00:15:58,243 You're an uncultured heathen. 336 00:15:58,283 --> 00:15:59,923 Off you go." Yeah? 337 00:15:59,963 --> 00:16:01,443 Oh, I fucking hate these guys. 338 00:16:01,483 --> 00:16:03,243 Do you know what I mean? Bad guys. 339 00:16:03,283 --> 00:16:06,323 So what we need to do is, and I was thinking about it. 340 00:16:06,363 --> 00:16:08,283 There was this lad that we knew when we were growing up. 341 00:16:08,323 --> 00:16:10,363 He was called Aggro Ali, yeah? 342 00:16:10,403 --> 00:16:15,043 And Aggro Ali had a really, like, very aggressive way 343 00:16:15,083 --> 00:16:16,843 about getting something done. 344 00:16:16,843 --> 00:16:18,003 Right? 345 00:16:18,003 --> 00:16:20,483 The local paper shop, they stopped stocking tropical 346 00:16:20,523 --> 00:16:24,843 Lucozade, and we were all so vexed about that, that we got Aggro Ali 347 00:16:24,883 --> 00:16:26,603 in to go and put pressure on the uncle. 348 00:16:26,643 --> 00:16:30,403 Next day, bam, the fridge was full of tropical Lucozade. 349 00:16:31,883 --> 00:16:35,283 Aggro was a specialist at putting pressure on man to get the job done. 350 00:16:35,323 --> 00:16:39,363 So I think what we do is we set up a company 351 00:16:39,403 --> 00:16:41,043 that is investing in the sandwiches. 352 00:16:41,043 --> 00:16:42,443 - Yeah. - What's the name of the sandwich? 353 00:16:42,483 --> 00:16:44,723 - Give us a name. - Acaster Royale. 354 00:16:44,723 --> 00:16:46,403 Acaster Royale, OK? 355 00:16:46,443 --> 00:16:49,403 And we give Aggro, like, shares in the company, yeah? 356 00:16:49,563 --> 00:16:52,283 We'll say, "Aggro, you're financially invested in this shit now. 357 00:16:52,323 --> 00:16:55,843 You've gotta go get the museum to do what we want them to do." 358 00:16:55,883 --> 00:16:58,003 Aggro kidnaps the curator. 359 00:17:02,043 --> 00:17:03,403 We drive him out to the woods. 360 00:17:03,443 --> 00:17:05,003 You, me and Aggro are there. 361 00:17:05,043 --> 00:17:06,203 - OK? - Yeah. 362 00:17:06,203 --> 00:17:08,403 - And we're gonna give the curator an ultimatum here. - Yeah. 363 00:17:08,443 --> 00:17:10,563 And at this point, Acaster, this is your brand... 364 00:17:10,603 --> 00:17:13,043 Can I just ask, why are you bothering to bring Acaster? 365 00:17:13,043 --> 00:17:14,563 I appreciate it. Face of the brand. 366 00:17:14,603 --> 00:17:15,843 - Face of the brand. - Yeah. 367 00:17:15,843 --> 00:17:17,803 And also, when the police turn up, if there's two brown lads 368 00:17:17,843 --> 00:17:20,323 in the forest, an added white guy in the gang reduces 369 00:17:20,363 --> 00:17:22,283 the sentence massively, so. 370 00:17:23,683 --> 00:17:25,403 You've gotta bring him along. 371 00:17:25,443 --> 00:17:26,443 Yeah. 372 00:17:26,763 --> 00:17:28,443 Thinking ahead of the game here. 373 00:17:28,443 --> 00:17:30,403 Happy to. Happy to, Guz, by the way. 374 00:17:30,443 --> 00:17:32,563 - We are now in the forest, Acaster. - Yeah. 375 00:17:32,603 --> 00:17:37,123 Now it's up to you to explain to him why he's got to put this in. 376 00:17:37,163 --> 00:17:39,483 "Listen to me." What's the curator called? 377 00:17:39,523 --> 00:17:41,323 Tyler. Tyler the curator. 378 00:17:44,563 --> 00:17:47,283 "Listen, curator, I'm sorry about Aggro Ali. 379 00:17:47,323 --> 00:17:49,123 "I don't want to have to set him on you again. 380 00:17:49,163 --> 00:17:51,963 "All you've got to do is put it on display and Aggro Ali, 381 00:17:52,003 --> 00:17:54,163 "you'll never hear from him ever again, I promise you." 382 00:17:54,203 --> 00:17:57,083 Never hear, but just to sweeten it before we go, 383 00:17:57,083 --> 00:18:00,203 Aggro reminds him that not only do we need it on display, 384 00:18:00,243 --> 00:18:03,603 we need it in the canteen, therefore ballooning our company. 385 00:18:03,643 --> 00:18:07,203 We're making Ps, your shit's on display, no one goes to prison, 386 00:18:07,243 --> 00:18:08,843 fuck the curator, end of story. 387 00:18:08,843 --> 00:18:10,043 That's what happens. 388 00:18:10,043 --> 00:18:13,243 Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's good. That's good. 389 00:18:13,243 --> 00:18:15,003 That is a complete plan. 390 00:18:15,003 --> 00:18:19,883 So your 2020 theme, why don't we play it out with Tyler 391 00:18:19,923 --> 00:18:21,003 the curator, James? 392 00:18:21,043 --> 00:18:23,363 Yes, I'll be Tyler the curator. 393 00:18:23,403 --> 00:18:25,083 Put my little bowtie on. 394 00:18:26,083 --> 00:18:28,003 Yeah? Do you want to bring out the museum? 395 00:18:28,043 --> 00:18:30,003 Yeah, bring out the museum. CLIFF! 396 00:18:31,363 --> 00:18:34,643 Cliff, bring the museum out right now. 397 00:18:34,683 --> 00:18:38,083 His name is Cliff, he works in props. 398 00:18:38,123 --> 00:18:40,403 He sets them up, and could do better. 399 00:18:40,443 --> 00:18:41,683 Get out of here, Cliff. 400 00:18:41,723 --> 00:18:46,923 I never want to see you again, until I need some more props. 401 00:18:46,963 --> 00:18:48,163 Right, do you want to go down? 402 00:18:48,203 --> 00:18:50,323 Sure, I'm Tyler the curator. 403 00:18:50,363 --> 00:18:52,643 I'm just working in my museum. 404 00:18:58,603 --> 00:18:59,643 OK. 405 00:19:02,203 --> 00:19:04,523 - Hello. - Oh! 406 00:19:04,563 --> 00:19:06,483 Sorry, I got kidnapped the other day. I'm a bit jumpy. 407 00:19:15,243 --> 00:19:16,523 How can I help you? 408 00:19:16,563 --> 00:19:18,363 I've got something pretty exciting for you. 409 00:19:19,643 --> 00:19:22,923 I've got, I've got a pitch for, I see you've got a cabinet 410 00:19:22,963 --> 00:19:24,083 there that's empty. 411 00:19:24,083 --> 00:19:25,243 Yes, yes, we need to fill it. 412 00:19:25,243 --> 00:19:27,483 - We were going to fill it with this, but it's... - Oh, I wouldn't use that. 413 00:19:27,523 --> 00:19:29,403 I'm looking at it and it's useless shit, so. 414 00:19:29,443 --> 00:19:30,723 Yeah. 415 00:19:30,763 --> 00:19:32,683 Look, I've got a sandwich. 416 00:19:32,723 --> 00:19:33,723 Oh, no. 417 00:19:34,963 --> 00:19:36,203 What's wrong with a sandwich? 418 00:19:36,243 --> 00:19:39,203 Oh, those other boys wanted me to put a sandwich in here. 419 00:19:39,243 --> 00:19:41,083 Listen, I've got nothing to do with the other boys. 420 00:19:41,123 --> 00:19:42,683 I don't even know Ali. 421 00:19:55,323 --> 00:20:00,403 So, I appreciate lots of, your museum is fabulous. 422 00:20:00,443 --> 00:20:02,363 Thank you very much. We stole all of it. 423 00:20:02,403 --> 00:20:03,483 Yes. 424 00:20:03,483 --> 00:20:05,963 A lot of it is very old, isn't it? It's very old. 425 00:20:05,963 --> 00:20:07,163 It is old. 426 00:20:07,203 --> 00:20:08,963 I feel like you need to update it a bit, don't you? 427 00:20:09,003 --> 00:20:11,043 'Cause it feels like you'd be able to get younger people in, 428 00:20:11,083 --> 00:20:12,883 who'd be interested in less of this old shit. 429 00:20:12,923 --> 00:20:14,123 Yeah, yeah. 430 00:20:14,163 --> 00:20:16,523 That's why I've been dressing all young and cool. 431 00:20:18,843 --> 00:20:19,843 Yeah. 432 00:20:19,883 --> 00:20:22,003 Unfortunately I've just realised that I'm wearing the top 433 00:20:22,043 --> 00:20:23,083 to your trousers. 434 00:20:26,123 --> 00:20:27,963 So I can't slag off what you're wearing. 435 00:20:29,563 --> 00:20:31,483 That's a hell of a bouncy walk, though, isn't it, Suze? 436 00:20:32,843 --> 00:20:36,043 You look like you're about to ask him where the toilets are. 437 00:20:36,043 --> 00:20:38,763 Not a lot of people know that most of the British Museum 438 00:20:38,803 --> 00:20:40,203 is a soft play area. 439 00:20:45,963 --> 00:20:50,923 So, I was thinking you should keep a record of things that have 440 00:20:50,963 --> 00:20:52,283 happened more recently. 441 00:20:52,323 --> 00:20:53,523 Yeah. 442 00:20:53,563 --> 00:20:55,923 And do you know that in 2020 more sandwiches were eaten 443 00:20:55,963 --> 00:20:57,203 than ever before? 444 00:20:57,243 --> 00:20:58,883 - Did you know that? - I had no idea. 445 00:20:58,923 --> 00:21:00,523 Yeah. Shall I show you what it would look like? 446 00:21:00,563 --> 00:21:01,723 Yeah, yeah, yeah, let's look. 447 00:21:03,083 --> 00:21:04,403 So I think you'd probably. 448 00:21:04,443 --> 00:21:06,043 You'd pop one there. 449 00:21:07,683 --> 00:21:10,563 And maybe, you'd be a bit artistic with it, wouldn't you? 450 00:21:10,603 --> 00:21:12,043 Then you go like that. 451 00:21:12,083 --> 00:21:13,243 - Now look. - Oh. 452 00:21:13,243 --> 00:21:15,003 It looks good, you can't argue with it. 453 00:21:15,003 --> 00:21:17,363 Do you know what? I'm not even messing around now. 454 00:21:17,403 --> 00:21:19,203 - That looks nice. - Yeah. 455 00:21:21,203 --> 00:21:22,843 I like this. I like it a lot. 456 00:21:22,883 --> 00:21:24,403 So people come and see the sandwich. 457 00:21:24,403 --> 00:21:25,523 - Yeah. - Can they eat it? 458 00:21:25,563 --> 00:21:26,683 - No. - Can they have a little taste? 459 00:21:26,683 --> 00:21:27,923 - No, no. - A little taste for the kids? 460 00:21:27,923 --> 00:21:29,243 - No... - Little taste for the kids? 461 00:21:29,243 --> 00:21:30,363 It'll make the kids ill. 462 00:21:30,363 --> 00:21:32,883 You'd also pop the plate on top, because that's sort of... 463 00:21:32,923 --> 00:21:36,603 It's arty, and it's much nicer than when I was in the boot of a car . 464 00:21:36,643 --> 00:21:37,843 Yeah. 465 00:21:37,883 --> 00:21:40,883 Being yelled at by three men, one of whom I think was only 466 00:21:40,923 --> 00:21:42,203 there to talk to the police. 467 00:21:45,163 --> 00:21:46,483 Yeah. 468 00:21:47,883 --> 00:21:49,523 I think you might have yourself a deal. 469 00:21:49,523 --> 00:21:50,523 Yeah! 470 00:21:55,963 --> 00:21:57,203 James? 471 00:21:57,243 --> 00:21:59,203 I'm gonna give four points to Suzi Ruffell. 472 00:21:59,203 --> 00:22:01,123 - Four points to Suzi Ruffell. - Yeah. 473 00:22:03,963 --> 00:22:05,883 Where does that leave the scores, James? 474 00:22:05,923 --> 00:22:08,923 That means that New Variant has zero points, whilst Carbonara 475 00:22:08,923 --> 00:22:11,243 is in the lead with nine points. 476 00:22:12,773 --> 00:22:15,803 Next up it's the Great Wall of Celebrities. 477 00:22:18,643 --> 00:22:19,843 There it is. 478 00:22:19,883 --> 00:22:22,323 Teams, you must take it in turns to pick a celeb and guess how 479 00:22:22,363 --> 00:22:24,283 they answered a tricky hypothetical. 480 00:22:24,323 --> 00:22:26,523 Each question is worth one point. 481 00:22:26,563 --> 00:22:28,763 OK, New Variant, who are you going to pick? 482 00:22:28,803 --> 00:22:32,403 Er, let's have, Ella Vaday. 483 00:22:32,443 --> 00:22:35,723 We said to Ella Vaday you're famous for being a contestant on Drag Race. 484 00:22:35,763 --> 00:22:38,403 Which of the following would you drag behind you for a year? 485 00:22:38,443 --> 00:22:43,523 A - a tyre, like you're competing in a strongman competition. 486 00:22:43,563 --> 00:22:46,763 B - a trailer full of old cabbages so you always stink. 487 00:22:46,803 --> 00:22:49,603 Or C - a huge leg of lamb so that all the local dogs chase 488 00:22:49,643 --> 00:22:51,563 you down the street. 489 00:22:51,603 --> 00:22:52,883 Which would you prefer? 490 00:22:52,923 --> 00:22:54,203 Out of them three? 491 00:22:54,243 --> 00:22:56,803 I mean, they're stupid, aren't they? 492 00:23:00,843 --> 00:23:04,523 The only one that's got any advantage is the tyre thing, 493 00:23:04,563 --> 00:23:06,123 cause you'd get a bit more fit doing that. 494 00:23:06,163 --> 00:23:08,003 Guz, which would you prefer to do? 495 00:23:08,003 --> 00:23:10,643 I don't really like the connotations of A. 496 00:23:10,683 --> 00:23:12,763 Like, when you drag a tyre behind, 497 00:23:13,003 --> 00:23:16,523 I'm sure you've got to attach that tyre to a chain. 498 00:23:16,523 --> 00:23:18,803 Do you two really want to put chains on me? 499 00:23:23,163 --> 00:23:24,923 Back to you, Jack. Which would you prefer? 500 00:23:27,843 --> 00:23:30,803 Ella Vaday, I'm saying because it is the only one that 501 00:23:30,843 --> 00:23:34,643 isn't completely unpleasant and that has a possible upside. 502 00:23:34,643 --> 00:23:38,003 - Tyre. - Is doing the tyre thing? 503 00:23:38,043 --> 00:23:39,443 Let's have a look. 504 00:23:40,843 --> 00:23:43,843 I think I would drag behind me a massive tyre, 505 00:23:43,883 --> 00:23:45,403 just to show them how strong I am! 506 00:23:45,403 --> 00:23:46,643 Yes. 507 00:23:46,643 --> 00:23:48,723 There we go. Tyre is correct. 508 00:23:50,603 --> 00:23:52,723 One point. 509 00:23:54,043 --> 00:23:57,963 Suzi and Rose, Carbonara, who are you gonna go for? 510 00:23:58,003 --> 00:24:00,123 I mean, it's got to be Dent, hasn't it? 511 00:24:00,163 --> 00:24:01,443 It's got to be Dent. 512 00:24:01,483 --> 00:24:04,123 Every time you travel in a car you must first 513 00:24:04,123 --> 00:24:07,803 A - give it a full wash and valet, 514 00:24:07,803 --> 00:24:10,323 B - climb in through the boot... 515 00:24:11,603 --> 00:24:14,443 ..or C - christen it by smashing a bottle of champagne against the side. 516 00:24:14,443 --> 00:24:16,363 Which would you do? 517 00:24:16,403 --> 00:24:19,483 Oh, I'd love to smash a bottle of champagne by the side of it. 518 00:24:19,483 --> 00:24:21,883 - Yeah? - That would make me feel very bougee. 519 00:24:21,923 --> 00:24:22,843 Yeah, it would. 520 00:24:22,843 --> 00:24:24,643 It would be an expensive way to live for a year. 521 00:24:24,683 --> 00:24:26,683 - Yeah, I think I'd really fuck up my car. - Mmm. 522 00:24:26,723 --> 00:24:29,083 - Yeah. - I think my partner would be livid. 523 00:24:29,123 --> 00:24:31,403 Your no-claims bonus is gonna get an absolute pounding. 524 00:24:31,443 --> 00:24:33,203 - Yeah. Yeah. - Yeah. 525 00:24:33,283 --> 00:24:34,323 What are we gonna go for? 526 00:24:34,363 --> 00:24:36,843 I think she'll go for the champagne. 527 00:24:36,883 --> 00:24:38,523 - Love it. - I think she's sneaky bougee. 528 00:24:38,563 --> 00:24:40,323 Yeah? Gonna go C - champagne? 529 00:24:40,363 --> 00:24:41,883 - Yeah. - Yeah, we are. 530 00:24:42,643 --> 00:24:45,043 I would love to climb in through the boot. 531 00:24:45,043 --> 00:24:46,523 Oh, no. 532 00:24:46,523 --> 00:24:48,003 Dent! 533 00:24:48,003 --> 00:24:49,643 No points. 534 00:24:49,643 --> 00:24:52,243 I have done that before, cause I locked myself out of my car 535 00:24:52,283 --> 00:24:54,483 and I could only open the boot, so I had to try and get 536 00:24:54,523 --> 00:24:55,563 in through the boot. 537 00:24:55,603 --> 00:24:58,963 And as I got in the boot, the boot door closed on me, 538 00:24:59,003 --> 00:25:01,843 and I couldn't get the seats to go forward, and I was stuck in the car 539 00:25:01,883 --> 00:25:04,403 for about an hour before anyone said, "Oh, where's Jack?" 540 00:25:04,443 --> 00:25:05,443 you know. 541 00:25:06,883 --> 00:25:10,403 It must have been really cramped with Claire Balding in there as well. 542 00:25:10,403 --> 00:25:11,963 That as well. 543 00:25:16,923 --> 00:25:19,003 OK, Jack and Guz, who are you gonna choose? 544 00:25:19,043 --> 00:25:21,723 - Nina Wadia, I think, yeah. - That's it. 545 00:25:21,763 --> 00:25:24,963 We said to EastEnder Nina Wadia you must slip one of the following 546 00:25:25,003 --> 00:25:28,483 iconic EastEnders quotes into every conversation. 547 00:25:28,523 --> 00:25:30,043 A - Get out of my pub. 548 00:25:30,043 --> 00:25:31,883 B - You're not my mother. 549 00:25:31,883 --> 00:25:34,283 Or C - or I didn't become a little bit of a slag, 550 00:25:34,283 --> 00:25:36,723 I became a total slag. 551 00:25:38,403 --> 00:25:40,643 Is that a quote from EastEnders? 552 00:25:40,683 --> 00:25:42,643 Yeah. Dot Cotton. 553 00:25:47,523 --> 00:25:49,003 No, it was Cat Slater. 554 00:25:49,043 --> 00:25:51,523 Well, the logical one is to say you're not my mother, 555 00:25:51,563 --> 00:25:53,403 cause it would be true, wouldn't it? 556 00:25:53,483 --> 00:25:55,643 You could say that to anyone, except, unless it's your mum. 557 00:25:55,683 --> 00:25:56,803 So let's have the conversation. 558 00:25:56,843 --> 00:25:59,243 So I go hi, Jack, how have you been? 559 00:25:59,283 --> 00:26:01,003 Yeah, I'm all right, actually, thanks, Josh. 560 00:26:01,003 --> 00:26:03,643 I'd give you more details but you're not my mother, so. 561 00:26:05,083 --> 00:26:06,963 It's easy. It's easy. 562 00:26:06,963 --> 00:26:09,043 - Full of anger. - Full of anger. 563 00:26:09,043 --> 00:26:10,483 Very good. 564 00:26:10,523 --> 00:26:12,843 Guz, can we just try C with you? 565 00:26:12,883 --> 00:26:14,443 Hi, Guz, how are you? 566 00:26:14,483 --> 00:26:19,683 I'm good. Sorry to hear about your grandma's bowel cancer. 567 00:26:19,723 --> 00:26:23,003 I didn't become a little bit of a slag, I became a total slag. 568 00:26:23,003 --> 00:26:24,803 It's hard. 569 00:26:24,803 --> 00:26:27,123 It's hard, innit, straight after. 570 00:26:28,923 --> 00:26:30,803 It's hard, innit? You're right, Jack. 571 00:26:30,843 --> 00:26:32,083 OK, what are you gonna go with? 572 00:26:32,123 --> 00:26:34,043 I'm guessing "get out of my pub", actually. 573 00:26:34,083 --> 00:26:36,003 I think it might be that one. What do you think? 574 00:26:36,003 --> 00:26:37,523 I'm happy to go with you, bruv. 575 00:26:37,563 --> 00:26:39,123 Yeah? All right, OK. 576 00:26:39,163 --> 00:26:41,403 OK, let's see what Wadia went with. 577 00:26:42,403 --> 00:26:44,083 It would have to be... 578 00:26:45,403 --> 00:26:46,403 .."Get out of my pub." 579 00:26:46,443 --> 00:26:48,403 Ah. 580 00:26:48,403 --> 00:26:50,483 - There we are. - One point. 581 00:26:50,483 --> 00:26:51,883 Lovely stuff. 582 00:26:52,883 --> 00:26:56,523 Right, it's time for our next round, which is Not For a Million Quid. 583 00:27:02,243 --> 00:27:04,803 In this round we want to know how much you'd need to be paid to live 584 00:27:04,843 --> 00:27:06,403 through a hypothetical situation. 585 00:27:06,443 --> 00:27:08,803 The lowest bidder has to tell us how they'd do it. 586 00:27:08,843 --> 00:27:10,843 There's three points on offer if we think you could pull it off, 587 00:27:10,883 --> 00:27:14,243 and if I don't believe your bid is genuine I will disqualify you. 588 00:27:14,283 --> 00:27:17,203 The question is, how much to endure this? 589 00:27:17,243 --> 00:27:22,323 For a year you must travel everywhere by doing the running man. 590 00:27:24,963 --> 00:27:26,443 James, the rules. 591 00:27:26,483 --> 00:27:29,883 No matter how long or short the journey, it must be done 592 00:27:29,923 --> 00:27:32,843 via the dance craze that gripped the world in the early '80s 593 00:27:32,883 --> 00:27:34,483 and hasn't let go since. 594 00:27:34,523 --> 00:27:37,123 You can travel by other forms of transport, train, 595 00:27:37,163 --> 00:27:40,163 tram, ferry, et cetera, but throughout the entire journey 596 00:27:40,203 --> 00:27:43,163 you must be stood up and doing the running man. 597 00:27:43,203 --> 00:27:45,483 And for those of you who don't know what the running man is, 598 00:27:45,523 --> 00:27:49,003 to demonstrate, here's my cousin, Funky Patricia. 599 00:27:56,523 --> 00:27:57,803 Yeah, yeah. 600 00:28:06,883 --> 00:28:07,923 See her often? 601 00:28:07,923 --> 00:28:10,643 Yeah, yeah, I see Funky Patricia, like, mainly just holidays 602 00:28:10,683 --> 00:28:11,923 and stuff like that. 603 00:28:11,923 --> 00:28:13,083 Yeah. 604 00:28:13,083 --> 00:28:15,443 - Anyone here do the running man? - Course I haven't. 605 00:28:16,923 --> 00:28:19,203 Why would I do that? 606 00:28:19,243 --> 00:28:22,123 I'd never even heard of it until that, until I heard of it there. 607 00:28:22,123 --> 00:28:23,483 Guz? 608 00:28:23,523 --> 00:28:25,523 Not like that. That's very energetic. 609 00:28:25,563 --> 00:28:30,683 But as part of the premise of this whole thing, 610 00:28:30,723 --> 00:28:34,523 we've got to do that whilst we're on the transport as well? 611 00:28:34,563 --> 00:28:35,643 Yeah. 612 00:28:35,683 --> 00:28:39,043 You want me to do that all the way on PIA, 613 00:28:39,083 --> 00:28:42,323 Pakistani International Airlines, all the way to Karachi, 614 00:28:42,363 --> 00:28:44,283 for seven and a half hours? 615 00:28:45,083 --> 00:28:46,003 Yeah. 616 00:28:46,003 --> 00:28:47,963 I'm gonna get fucking battered by 27 aunties 617 00:28:49,363 --> 00:28:50,683 from elbowing them in the head. 618 00:28:50,723 --> 00:28:52,203 - It's not practical. - It's not gonna... 619 00:28:52,203 --> 00:28:53,603 - It's not gonna work for you. - It's not. 620 00:28:53,643 --> 00:28:55,923 I'm beginning to wish I'd done Taskmaster instead. 621 00:29:03,163 --> 00:29:05,043 Any questions about how this would work for you? 622 00:29:05,083 --> 00:29:07,043 - What if you're at a funeral? - Yeah. 623 00:29:07,083 --> 00:29:08,643 And you've got to follow the coffin? 624 00:29:11,323 --> 00:29:13,803 That is not gonna feel comfortable for anyone, is it? 625 00:29:13,803 --> 00:29:15,083 No. 626 00:29:15,083 --> 00:29:17,123 Exactly, but, you know, this is what we're asking you. 627 00:29:17,163 --> 00:29:19,523 How much would we have to pay you to do that? 628 00:29:19,523 --> 00:29:21,403 Oh, I see. Yeah, of course, that's it, isn't it? Yeah. 629 00:29:21,403 --> 00:29:23,803 OK. Let's go for the bids. 630 00:29:23,843 --> 00:29:26,003 Suzi, I know that you're a good dancer. 631 00:29:26,043 --> 00:29:27,603 - Yeah. - You're a trained dancer. 632 00:29:27,643 --> 00:29:29,043 A little, sure. 633 00:29:29,083 --> 00:29:30,683 Did you do the running man? 634 00:29:30,723 --> 00:29:33,043 No, I did tap, ballet and modern. 635 00:29:34,323 --> 00:29:36,403 - You didn't do tap, ballet and the running man? - No. 636 00:29:36,443 --> 00:29:38,123 Let's have a look at your, not your running man. 637 00:29:38,163 --> 00:29:39,283 Let's have a look at your value. 638 00:29:39,323 --> 00:29:42,323 Well, I'm gonna say a grand a day, so 365. 639 00:29:43,603 --> 00:29:45,643 - Thousand pounds. - Good way to put it. 640 00:29:45,683 --> 00:29:47,803 Yeah. Rose? Oh, no. 641 00:29:47,843 --> 00:29:52,083 I think I've undervalued myself here. 642 00:29:52,123 --> 00:29:53,123 Um. 643 00:29:54,443 --> 00:29:56,483 I went for a hundred a day. 644 00:29:56,483 --> 00:29:58,243 - Yeah. - I know you, Rose. 645 00:29:58,243 --> 00:30:01,123 If I said to you any day, "I'll give you 100 quid today 646 00:30:01,163 --> 00:30:03,003 if every time you travel you do the running man". 647 00:30:03,003 --> 00:30:05,323 - No way. - You'd go, yeah, you'd say no. 648 00:30:05,323 --> 00:30:06,843 And you've just done that. 649 00:30:06,843 --> 00:30:09,723 And now you've agreed to it for 365 days. 650 00:30:10,683 --> 00:30:12,163 I panicked. 651 00:30:13,843 --> 00:30:14,803 Guz? 652 00:30:15,843 --> 00:30:17,203 800 bags. 653 00:30:17,523 --> 00:30:20,403 800,000 pound, cause it's not realistic, 654 00:30:20,443 --> 00:30:22,123 and also, osteoporosis. 655 00:30:26,043 --> 00:30:28,203 For a second there you thought you were... 656 00:30:28,243 --> 00:30:32,643 I honestly have never experienced such pure happiness in all my life 657 00:30:32,683 --> 00:30:35,003 as when I thought that said £800. 658 00:30:38,323 --> 00:30:40,763 - Jack. - Well, I want a million quid. 659 00:30:47,123 --> 00:30:50,283 I would have said a million as well, but 20% goes to Aggro, so. 660 00:30:54,683 --> 00:30:55,603 How are you feeling? 661 00:30:55,723 --> 00:30:57,203 Horrific. 662 00:30:57,243 --> 00:30:58,643 Yeah. Bad? Feel bad? 663 00:30:58,683 --> 00:31:00,123 Yeah, yeah. 664 00:31:00,163 --> 00:31:03,883 When she was doing that, I was thinking I can't, 665 00:31:03,923 --> 00:31:05,523 I've not got the natural rhythm to do that. 666 00:31:05,563 --> 00:31:06,683 Uh-huh. 667 00:31:06,683 --> 00:31:08,323 Are there any kind of situations you'd... 668 00:31:08,323 --> 00:31:11,003 Well, Jack brought up a situation that was particularly... 669 00:31:11,043 --> 00:31:13,563 Yes, Jack did bring up a situation I thought was particularly... 670 00:31:13,563 --> 00:31:14,803 Maybe it would be nice to... 671 00:31:14,803 --> 00:31:16,603 - What was that? - Play out the funeral. 672 00:31:16,603 --> 00:31:18,363 Have you got a coffin back there? 673 00:31:18,363 --> 00:31:20,403 Hmm, let's see. Have I? 674 00:31:22,523 --> 00:31:24,763 CLIFF! 675 00:31:24,763 --> 00:31:26,363 Bring out a coffin right now. 676 00:31:31,483 --> 00:31:34,083 His name is Cliff, he works in props. 677 00:31:34,123 --> 00:31:36,763 He sets them up, and could do better. 678 00:31:38,803 --> 00:31:40,763 OK, James, are you happy to be a grieving widow? 679 00:31:40,803 --> 00:31:43,243 I'm gonna be the grieving widow, as always. 680 00:31:43,283 --> 00:31:45,723 It's very rare, Rose, that you turn up at a funeral 681 00:31:45,763 --> 00:31:47,883 and you feel more depressed than the grieving widow. 682 00:31:47,923 --> 00:31:49,283 Mmm. Mmmhmm. 683 00:31:49,323 --> 00:31:50,603 I do apologise. 684 00:31:50,643 --> 00:31:53,563 Oh, my dearest Matt, Matt Baker. 685 00:31:54,963 --> 00:31:58,003 That's how he looked after the magic trick. 686 00:32:05,443 --> 00:32:07,683 Whoa, very good. 687 00:32:11,403 --> 00:32:13,203 - Hi. - Hello, there. 688 00:32:13,243 --> 00:32:14,363 Are you Matt's wife? 689 00:32:14,403 --> 00:32:17,123 Yes, I'm Matt's grieving widow. 690 00:32:17,163 --> 00:32:21,323 Did you know that Matt, in his spare time, used to teach 691 00:32:21,363 --> 00:32:26,883 dance to underprivileged street urchins? 692 00:32:28,963 --> 00:32:31,283 - I had no idea. - Yeah. 693 00:32:31,283 --> 00:32:33,603 I mean he was such a kind man, and he did talk about street 694 00:32:33,643 --> 00:32:35,883 urchins, too much, actually. 695 00:32:35,923 --> 00:32:39,923 Yeah, well, there was, there was this little street urchin. 696 00:32:39,963 --> 00:32:43,883 Are you supposed to call them that if you're working with them? 697 00:32:46,883 --> 00:32:50,163 Just... If you could just listen to my story, I think you'll. 698 00:32:50,283 --> 00:32:51,923 - I'll happily listen to your story. - Thank you. 699 00:32:51,923 --> 00:32:53,683 Come closer and tell me more. Come over here. 700 00:32:54,403 --> 00:32:55,723 Um, yeah. 701 00:32:58,363 --> 00:33:02,643 Um, yeah, there was this little street urchin. 702 00:33:02,683 --> 00:33:05,643 - Yes? - Called Rose, actually. 703 00:33:05,763 --> 00:33:09,243 And she was this little girl, and he taught her this dance, 704 00:33:09,283 --> 00:33:11,563 and I just want to say that... 705 00:33:13,643 --> 00:33:15,443 ..I am that street urchin. 706 00:33:15,763 --> 00:33:17,643 What? 707 00:33:24,323 --> 00:33:30,963 And I happen to know that Matt said that at his funeral nothing 708 00:33:31,003 --> 00:33:37,763 would make him happier than if I did the running man dance 709 00:33:37,803 --> 00:33:42,483 after his coffin, and if his wife also did it. 710 00:33:46,563 --> 00:33:48,123 Yeah, yeah. 711 00:33:50,843 --> 00:33:52,643 You know what? I'd be happy to. 712 00:33:52,683 --> 00:33:53,843 Lead the way. 713 00:33:53,883 --> 00:33:57,003 I'll happily dance with you, Rose the street urchin. 714 00:33:57,043 --> 00:33:58,923 - Thank you. - Who is now a street woman. 715 00:34:03,363 --> 00:34:04,563 Funky Patricia. 716 00:34:04,603 --> 00:34:06,283 Oh, shit, I'm going the wrong way. 717 00:34:23,123 --> 00:34:24,803 That was. 718 00:34:26,243 --> 00:34:28,683 - Woo. - The best funeral I've ever seen. 719 00:34:28,683 --> 00:34:29,803 James? 720 00:34:29,803 --> 00:34:31,163 I mean it's obvious, isn't it? 721 00:34:31,203 --> 00:34:32,563 Do you think Rose could do that for a year? 722 00:34:32,603 --> 00:34:33,723 Of course Rose could do it. 723 00:34:33,763 --> 00:34:35,803 I award Rose the full three points. 724 00:34:35,843 --> 00:34:36,883 The full three points. 725 00:34:38,283 --> 00:34:40,123 It's time for On The Spot. 726 00:34:45,443 --> 00:34:49,683 In this round we're going to deliver a series of rapid fire hypotheticals 727 00:34:49,723 --> 00:34:52,643 which we want our panellists to solve as quickly as possible, 728 00:34:52,683 --> 00:34:56,243 because we've only got the studio until 7:00. 729 00:34:56,283 --> 00:34:59,083 Josh will read out the hypothetical and then I will say the name 730 00:34:59,123 --> 00:35:01,643 of the person I would like to answer it. 731 00:35:01,683 --> 00:35:04,763 But if we're not buying the answer we will hit our buttons to stop 732 00:35:04,803 --> 00:35:08,203 the clock and ask what the hell you're on about. 733 00:35:08,243 --> 00:35:11,243 Best player wins the round, capiche? 734 00:35:11,283 --> 00:35:13,523 OK, are we ready? 735 00:35:13,523 --> 00:35:15,523 - Yes. - Here we go. 736 00:35:15,563 --> 00:35:18,323 You have 24 hours to become known as the human shuttlecock. 737 00:35:18,363 --> 00:35:19,603 - How do you do it? - Jack. 738 00:35:19,643 --> 00:35:23,083 Er, cover myself in feathers and jump off a high building. 739 00:35:24,763 --> 00:35:26,363 Sounds good to me. 740 00:35:26,403 --> 00:35:28,803 You're at the Crucible watching Stephen Hendry play snooker. 741 00:35:28,843 --> 00:35:30,883 Get him to break a snooker cue over your head. 742 00:35:30,923 --> 00:35:32,123 Rose. 743 00:35:32,123 --> 00:35:35,803 Er, take all my clothes off, jump on the table and start putting 744 00:35:35,843 --> 00:35:37,323 all the balls in the pockets. 745 00:35:40,803 --> 00:35:43,043 Do you know what? You probably didn't need to take your clothes off 746 00:35:43,083 --> 00:35:44,443 in that situation. 747 00:35:46,643 --> 00:35:49,203 You turn up at Elton John's house for a party dressed as you are now. 748 00:35:49,243 --> 00:35:50,883 When you get to the end of his long driveway 749 00:35:50,883 --> 00:35:51,963 you realise it's fancy dress. 750 00:35:52,003 --> 00:35:53,643 - What do you do? - Guz. 751 00:35:53,643 --> 00:35:56,923 Tell him I'm there to deliver the weed. 752 00:36:01,403 --> 00:36:02,883 You're on a beach rammed with sunbathers. 753 00:36:02,923 --> 00:36:05,043 You have five minutes to get them all in the sea. 754 00:36:05,043 --> 00:36:07,123 - Suzi. - The sharks are ON the beach. 755 00:36:07,163 --> 00:36:08,443 Get in the sea, get away from them. 756 00:36:08,443 --> 00:36:11,083 The sharks are on the beach, get in the sea. 757 00:36:11,123 --> 00:36:13,643 After the global success of fanny packs and bum bags you must invent 758 00:36:13,683 --> 00:36:16,003 the next slightly suggestive sounding luggage item. 759 00:36:16,043 --> 00:36:19,323 - Jack. - Er, it'll be ankle strap. 760 00:36:23,123 --> 00:36:25,203 I've got to ask what's suggestive about that. 761 00:36:25,203 --> 00:36:27,403 I mean, Jack's from a different era to us. 762 00:36:27,443 --> 00:36:28,763 Oh, yeah. 763 00:36:36,523 --> 00:36:38,243 Still gets you a bit hot and bothered. 764 00:36:38,243 --> 00:36:40,763 A bit of ankle. I don't... 765 00:36:40,763 --> 00:36:45,083 I can't even look at piano legs, I'm just, that's how old I am. 766 00:36:45,083 --> 00:36:47,483 That would be an ankle strap. 767 00:36:47,483 --> 00:36:49,083 Right. 768 00:36:49,123 --> 00:36:50,363 You're visiting the Tower of London. 769 00:36:50,403 --> 00:36:52,323 Convince a beefeater to swap outfits with you. 770 00:36:52,323 --> 00:36:53,883 - Guz. - A beefeater? 771 00:36:56,163 --> 00:36:59,003 It's one of the guys in the red tunic outfits at the Tower of London 772 00:36:59,003 --> 00:37:00,043 and the red hat. 773 00:37:00,043 --> 00:37:02,243 No, no, no, no, just let Guz figure it out. 774 00:37:04,043 --> 00:37:06,243 - That's... - He's on my team. 775 00:37:06,283 --> 00:37:07,643 What do you think a beefeater is? 776 00:37:07,683 --> 00:37:10,723 Well, I thought it was a motherfucker that ate beef, but clearly not. 777 00:37:11,723 --> 00:37:13,123 Kind of. 778 00:37:13,123 --> 00:37:15,123 Jack, you're saying they're the people with the hats? 779 00:37:15,163 --> 00:37:17,523 Yeah, the people with the hats, and they guard the Tower of London 780 00:37:17,563 --> 00:37:19,563 with a big pike thing. 781 00:37:19,603 --> 00:37:23,203 Loaded question, because I heard that there are snipers that shoot 782 00:37:23,243 --> 00:37:26,163 you if you try and touch them or approach them too much. 783 00:37:26,163 --> 00:37:27,683 So why are you trying to get me killed? 784 00:37:27,723 --> 00:37:29,203 You were trying to put me in chains earlier on. 785 00:37:29,203 --> 00:37:31,403 Now you're trying to get me shot. I don't like this question. 786 00:37:31,443 --> 00:37:32,603 I don't feel like answering it. 787 00:37:32,603 --> 00:37:35,763 Let's bring the lights down again and carry on. 788 00:37:35,803 --> 00:37:37,923 Mini Mars Bars, Mini Cheddars, Mini Coopers. 789 00:37:37,963 --> 00:37:40,403 You must come up with the next big thing to be in miniature. 790 00:37:40,443 --> 00:37:41,523 Guz. 791 00:37:41,523 --> 00:37:43,283 Mini beefeaters. Have you heard of them? 792 00:37:44,003 --> 00:37:46,003 Little ones, the little ones. 793 00:37:47,723 --> 00:37:48,723 They're rats. 794 00:37:49,763 --> 00:37:51,003 The world's bears have overslept. 795 00:37:51,043 --> 00:37:52,563 How do you wake them up from hibernation? 796 00:37:52,603 --> 00:37:54,323 - Suzi. - Er... 797 00:37:54,323 --> 00:37:59,083 You get Goldilocks and go, "Oy, wake up, get out of bed." 798 00:37:59,083 --> 00:38:00,923 We've all had enough of "achoo". 799 00:38:00,963 --> 00:38:02,243 Can you come up with a new sneeze noise? 800 00:38:02,243 --> 00:38:03,363 Guz. 801 00:38:03,363 --> 00:38:04,763 Tahhh. 802 00:38:08,603 --> 00:38:10,003 Bless you. 803 00:38:10,003 --> 00:38:11,683 Bless you! 804 00:38:13,643 --> 00:38:16,203 You are unbelievably hungry but all you have in your bag 805 00:38:16,243 --> 00:38:17,643 is a sandwich and a bag of crisps. 806 00:38:17,683 --> 00:38:18,763 - What do you do? - Jack. 807 00:38:18,803 --> 00:38:20,643 - Eat them. - Correct. 808 00:38:23,603 --> 00:38:26,043 - Every week there's one that is easy. - Oh. 809 00:38:26,043 --> 00:38:27,603 And this week we gave it to you, Jack. 810 00:38:27,643 --> 00:38:29,403 Aha, but I wasn't falling for it, was I? 811 00:38:31,043 --> 00:38:33,603 Zips, buttons, Velcro. Yawn. 812 00:38:33,643 --> 00:38:36,163 You have to come up with a new way of keeping your trousers up. 813 00:38:36,163 --> 00:38:37,203 Rose. 814 00:38:37,203 --> 00:38:44,843 Get two rats, and you've gotta get them to clamp their teeth together. 815 00:38:44,883 --> 00:38:46,283 Yeah. 816 00:38:46,283 --> 00:38:48,243 You've been approached to write a tell-all autobiography. 817 00:38:48,283 --> 00:38:50,563 The title must be a pun on your name. What is it? 818 00:38:50,603 --> 00:38:52,563 - Jack. - Oh, Dee. 819 00:38:52,603 --> 00:38:55,523 How about that? That's not bad, is it? Oh, dear, oh, Dee. 820 00:38:55,563 --> 00:38:58,283 I mean, it's shit, but it's a shit question. 821 00:39:01,603 --> 00:39:05,123 I'm only... I'm playing like for like here. 822 00:39:05,163 --> 00:39:06,643 You must circumnavigate the... 823 00:39:06,683 --> 00:39:07,683 Oh. 824 00:39:08,483 --> 00:39:10,683 - We'll never know. We'll never know. - Oh. 825 00:39:10,723 --> 00:39:14,123 James, after all that, who was the best 826 00:39:14,123 --> 00:39:15,723 and gets the points for that round? 827 00:39:15,963 --> 00:39:18,243 I think I've got to give the points to Jack Dee there. 828 00:39:18,283 --> 00:39:20,003 Yeah, he answered a lot of questions. 829 00:39:20,043 --> 00:39:21,643 And how many are you giving him? 830 00:39:21,683 --> 00:39:23,763 I'm gonna give Jack one point. 831 00:39:23,803 --> 00:39:24,883 One point. 832 00:39:26,683 --> 00:39:28,043 It's pretty hard going, isn't it? 833 00:39:29,443 --> 00:39:32,083 It's time for our final round, the one that decides it all. 834 00:39:32,123 --> 00:39:35,083 We're heading back to the Wall of Celebrities to ask the biggest 835 00:39:35,123 --> 00:39:36,243 question in showbiz. 836 00:39:36,283 --> 00:39:38,883 When are they going to do a gritty reboot of the Rugrats? 837 00:39:38,923 --> 00:39:40,363 No. 838 00:39:40,363 --> 00:39:42,123 It's Big Hat Small Hat. 839 00:39:47,683 --> 00:39:51,043 We asked our six celebs whether they would choose the big 840 00:39:51,083 --> 00:39:52,723 hat or the small hat. 841 00:39:52,763 --> 00:39:54,683 James, what were the rules of the question? 842 00:39:54,723 --> 00:39:57,363 We told the celebrities you have to wear the hat for the rest 843 00:39:57,403 --> 00:40:00,363 of your life, you can't wear a medium size hat over the small 844 00:40:00,403 --> 00:40:03,403 hat, and these are the hats. 845 00:40:03,403 --> 00:40:07,643 All you have to do is tell us which hat the celebrity chose. 846 00:40:07,683 --> 00:40:10,483 James, before this question, can we have the scores? 847 00:40:10,523 --> 00:40:14,483 Yes. New Variant has three points, whilst Carbonara are in the lead 848 00:40:14,523 --> 00:40:16,603 with 12 points. 849 00:40:16,643 --> 00:40:19,323 Who is the question for and how many points is it worth? 850 00:40:20,243 --> 00:40:24,563 The question is for New Variant and it's worth ten points. 851 00:40:24,603 --> 00:40:26,163 Oh. 852 00:40:26,203 --> 00:40:28,563 So, New Variant, it all comes down to this. 853 00:40:28,603 --> 00:40:30,683 Can we have the dramatic lighting change, please? 854 00:40:33,243 --> 00:40:38,443 Which celebrity would like to choose to play Big Hat Small Hat? 855 00:40:38,923 --> 00:40:44,123 Just because I think she's the most sensible of the bunch, 856 00:40:44,163 --> 00:40:46,483 do you think we should go for Dent, and be sensible? 857 00:40:46,523 --> 00:40:48,603 - What do you think? - Yeah, I think that's good logic. 858 00:40:48,643 --> 00:40:50,363 I think that is good. I follow that absolutely. 859 00:40:50,403 --> 00:40:53,323 And based on that logic, just so I know we're in sync here, 860 00:40:53,363 --> 00:40:54,723 what hat is Dent gonna choose? 861 00:40:54,763 --> 00:40:57,683 I would then say she'd go for the big one, to fit on her head. 862 00:40:57,723 --> 00:40:59,803 - Innit? Yeah, I think so. - Yeah, yeah. 863 00:40:59,803 --> 00:41:00,763 - Yeah? - Yeah. 864 00:41:00,803 --> 00:41:02,003 You're going for the victory. 865 00:41:02,043 --> 00:41:04,003 Dent. What do you think about that? 866 00:41:04,043 --> 00:41:05,323 I think it's good logic. 867 00:41:05,363 --> 00:41:07,163 She's got a big brain, do you know what I mean? 868 00:41:07,203 --> 00:41:09,683 - Yeah, big brain, big hat. - OK. 869 00:41:09,683 --> 00:41:14,283 For the victory, you are going Susie Dent, big hat. 870 00:41:16,323 --> 00:41:17,723 - Oh, come on. - Let's see. 871 00:41:17,723 --> 00:41:19,123 Come on. 872 00:41:19,163 --> 00:41:21,203 This one is quite easy for me. I'm going to go with the big one. 873 00:41:21,243 --> 00:41:23,083 - It's the big hat. - And hide. 874 00:41:30,923 --> 00:41:33,203 James, what are the final scores? 875 00:41:33,203 --> 00:41:34,643 Carbonara has 12 points, 876 00:41:34,643 --> 00:41:38,283 whilst New Variant are the winners with 13 points. 877 00:41:41,363 --> 00:41:43,963 Congratulations to New Variant. 878 00:41:43,963 --> 00:41:46,683 You've proved your worth in a non-existent hypothetical universe. 879 00:41:46,683 --> 00:41:49,523 You're this week's winners. James, what have they won? 880 00:41:49,563 --> 00:41:52,803 As I said before, the hypothetical prizes are a first edition copy 881 00:41:52,843 --> 00:41:56,843 of the Yellow Pages, 49 conkers, three waxworks of Adrian Chiles 882 00:41:56,883 --> 00:41:59,243 and a haircut whether you like it or not, but those were 883 00:41:59,283 --> 00:42:00,483 just hypothetical prizes. 884 00:42:00,523 --> 00:42:04,443 You've actually won an unexpected visit from Aggro Ali. 885 00:42:04,443 --> 00:42:06,803 Thanks to our guests, Jack Dee. 886 00:42:06,803 --> 00:42:08,883 Guz Khan. 887 00:42:08,883 --> 00:42:10,883 Rose Johnson. 888 00:42:10,883 --> 00:42:11,963 And Suzi Ruffell. 889 00:42:11,963 --> 00:42:14,763 And extra special thanks to my co-host and points enthusiast, 890 00:42:14,763 --> 00:42:16,323 James Acaster. 891 00:42:16,323 --> 00:42:17,363 Goodnight.