1 00:00:37,403 --> 00:00:39,803 Hello, and welcome to Hypothetical, the show that pits my favourite 2 00:00:39,843 --> 00:00:43,763 comedians against a variety of tricksy hypothetical scenarios. 3 00:00:43,803 --> 00:00:44,843 Let's meet today's guests. 4 00:00:44,883 --> 00:00:48,203 On my right it's Frank Skinner and Esther Manito. 5 00:00:53,843 --> 00:00:56,723 And up against them it's Rosie Jones and Jon Richardson. 6 00:01:03,123 --> 00:01:06,043 And now it's time to introduce my co-host and arbiter 7 00:01:06,043 --> 00:01:08,563 of hypotheticals, a man who has achieved the impossible - 8 00:01:08,563 --> 00:01:11,283 combining head to toe corduroy with having a girlfriend, 9 00:01:11,283 --> 00:01:13,003 it's James Acaster. 10 00:01:26,203 --> 00:01:27,203 You all right? 11 00:01:27,203 --> 00:01:28,323 Good, thank you. 12 00:01:28,323 --> 00:01:30,803 Thank you for letting everyone know I have a girlfriend. 13 00:01:30,843 --> 00:01:33,563 Before we start we need some team names. 14 00:01:33,563 --> 00:01:35,523 Frank and Esther, what have you come up with? 15 00:01:36,603 --> 00:01:38,963 - Um, well, Esther came up with. - Oh. 16 00:01:38,963 --> 00:01:41,003 Oh, OK I'm getting the blame for this. 17 00:01:41,003 --> 00:01:44,243 OK, we came up with Dead Horse. 18 00:01:44,243 --> 00:01:45,643 Dead Horse? 19 00:01:45,643 --> 00:01:49,603 We were in my dressing room and on the telly was a dead donkey. 20 00:01:49,603 --> 00:01:51,643 - For a long time. - Yeah. 21 00:01:51,643 --> 00:01:54,683 I brought some of my videos in from home. 22 00:01:55,963 --> 00:01:57,603 Get you in the headspace. 23 00:01:57,603 --> 00:02:00,243 Yeah, so there was a dead donkey on there, and Esther said, 24 00:02:00,243 --> 00:02:02,163 "Well, let's go for Dead Horse." 25 00:02:02,163 --> 00:02:04,083 I don't know why she avoided the actual donkey. 26 00:02:04,083 --> 00:02:06,763 - Like a flogging a dead horse. - Flogging a dead horse, you know. 27 00:02:06,763 --> 00:02:08,683 Yeah, I didn't mistake the donkey for a horse. 28 00:02:08,683 --> 00:02:10,923 - Oh, you didn't. - Yeah, I'm not, like, that stupid. 29 00:02:10,923 --> 00:02:13,843 Rosie and Jon, what have you got for us? 30 00:02:13,843 --> 00:02:20,923 Well, obviously, one of us needs a lot of help, 31 00:02:20,963 --> 00:02:25,683 so we've gone for Jon and Carer. 32 00:02:30,163 --> 00:02:32,163 - Yeah, very nice. - Very nice. 33 00:02:34,603 --> 00:02:36,123 Jon and Carer. 34 00:02:36,163 --> 00:02:37,403 Happy with that one, Jon? 35 00:02:37,403 --> 00:02:41,323 I mean, Rosie is the first person on TV to admit to caring for me. 36 00:02:42,643 --> 00:02:44,443 Oh. Oh. 37 00:02:44,443 --> 00:02:46,363 And I make a show with my wife. 38 00:02:48,723 --> 00:02:49,843 Right, we've met our teams. 39 00:02:49,883 --> 00:02:52,363 Let's find out what they're playing for, James. 40 00:02:52,363 --> 00:02:55,563 This week's hypothetical prizes are a bum bag full of teabags, 41 00:02:55,563 --> 00:02:58,323 an abnormally long egg, a fist bump from Carol Smillie, 42 00:02:58,363 --> 00:03:00,003 and your very own bowl. 43 00:03:02,003 --> 00:03:03,283 Whoo! 44 00:03:03,283 --> 00:03:05,603 Finally, people react to the prizes. 45 00:03:05,643 --> 00:03:08,443 That is the first time anyone has given a shit about the prizes. 46 00:03:08,443 --> 00:03:10,483 As ever, all our guests' responses 47 00:03:10,483 --> 00:03:12,083 will be completely made up on the spot. 48 00:03:12,083 --> 00:03:15,523 None of them have had so much as a sniff of tonight's script. 49 00:03:15,523 --> 00:03:18,083 Which is lucky, because I spilled my chicken bhuna on it this morning 50 00:03:18,083 --> 00:03:19,483 and it really pongs. 51 00:03:19,483 --> 00:03:21,243 Our first round is What Would You Do? 52 00:03:24,483 --> 00:03:25,963 James, how many points are up for grabs? 53 00:03:26,003 --> 00:03:28,603 I'll be awarding up to five points depending on how they deal 54 00:03:28,643 --> 00:03:31,683 with the scenario, from one, you're feeling all out of sorts, 55 00:03:31,723 --> 00:03:34,643 up to five, you're eating some Liquorice Allsorts. 56 00:03:34,643 --> 00:03:35,803 The first question is a head to head. 57 00:03:35,803 --> 00:03:37,563 The winning team gets the points. 58 00:03:37,563 --> 00:03:39,883 Frank, you'll be representing Dead Horse, and Rosie, 59 00:03:39,923 --> 00:03:41,723 you're playing for Jon and Carer. 60 00:03:41,763 --> 00:03:43,763 Here is your hypothetical. 61 00:03:43,763 --> 00:03:47,723 You have one week to get Mr Blobby into a photo with the President 62 00:03:47,763 --> 00:03:50,443 of the United States of America. 63 00:03:50,483 --> 00:03:52,563 What do you do? James, the rules. 64 00:03:52,563 --> 00:03:55,483 The photo must take place in the Oval Office. 65 00:03:55,483 --> 00:03:57,443 The President must know that Blobby is in the photo. 66 00:03:57,483 --> 00:04:01,563 No photoshopping or photobombing, only photoblobbing. 67 00:04:01,563 --> 00:04:05,763 And just to be clear, Mr Blobby is a real being. 68 00:04:05,923 --> 00:04:08,163 He lives in Crinkley Bottom in Somerset with his best friend 69 00:04:08,203 --> 00:04:09,403 Noel Edmonds. 70 00:04:09,403 --> 00:04:12,123 He's loud, clumsy and a complete liability. 71 00:04:13,563 --> 00:04:15,483 Any feelings towards Mr Blobby, Frank? 72 00:04:15,523 --> 00:04:18,763 So it's not a man, we're not operating as if it's a man 73 00:04:18,803 --> 00:04:20,403 in an outfit, Mr Blobby. 74 00:04:20,443 --> 00:04:23,803 We're operating as if it's a sentient being in its own right. 75 00:04:23,843 --> 00:04:25,043 Has to be... 76 00:04:25,043 --> 00:04:27,043 I don't understand the first part of what you said there at all, 77 00:04:27,083 --> 00:04:28,443 Frank. 78 00:04:28,483 --> 00:04:29,843 OK. 79 00:04:29,883 --> 00:04:31,003 The Mr Blobby. 80 00:04:31,003 --> 00:04:32,803 And likewise with Joe Biden? 81 00:04:38,843 --> 00:04:41,763 You know this would be a much easier task with the previous 82 00:04:41,803 --> 00:04:43,563 president, wouldn't it? 83 00:04:43,603 --> 00:04:46,243 You feel he would have embraced the whole thing. 84 00:04:46,283 --> 00:04:48,363 - If you turned up with Blobby. - Yeah. 85 00:04:48,403 --> 00:04:49,843 He wouldn't really have questioned it. 86 00:04:49,843 --> 00:04:54,923 If you said, "This is the President of Finland," 87 00:04:54,923 --> 00:04:57,323 Trump would have been absolutely OK with it, 88 00:04:57,323 --> 00:05:00,803 and said, "Hey, let's have a drink and bomb North Korea". 89 00:05:02,643 --> 00:05:04,243 What are you thinking, Rosie? 90 00:05:04,283 --> 00:05:15,243 I think Biden is a lovely man, but he's very old and very gullible. 91 00:05:15,243 --> 00:05:24,203 So if he has no idea about Blobby, we just say, 92 00:05:24,203 --> 00:05:28,483 Oh, it's a new pandemic. 93 00:05:29,923 --> 00:05:35,843 People keep getting yellow spots. 94 00:05:35,843 --> 00:05:44,603 In order to promote awareness of this new pandemic. 95 00:05:44,603 --> 00:05:45,643 Yeah. 96 00:05:45,643 --> 00:05:50,043 You need to talk to Blobby. 97 00:05:50,043 --> 00:05:52,763 So people keep getting yellow spots. 98 00:05:52,763 --> 00:05:54,163 Yeah. 99 00:05:54,203 --> 00:05:56,203 You're 89, or whatever, so you're high-risk. 100 00:05:56,203 --> 00:05:57,323 Yeah. 101 00:05:57,323 --> 00:06:00,483 Could you stand next to someone with the yellow spots? 102 00:06:00,483 --> 00:06:01,683 Yeah. 103 00:06:04,203 --> 00:06:05,843 How are you feeling about that plan, Jon? 104 00:06:05,883 --> 00:06:09,003 Well, I feel like even having this conversation 105 00:06:09,003 --> 00:06:11,443 we risk bringing Blobby back. 106 00:06:11,443 --> 00:06:13,603 - And I think. - Oh, here he comes. 107 00:06:13,643 --> 00:06:17,083 While we're talking about pandemics, Blobby is a virus that we dealt 108 00:06:17,123 --> 00:06:18,323 with at the time. 109 00:06:20,083 --> 00:06:24,203 We all worked very hard to enter a postBlobby world, 110 00:06:24,243 --> 00:06:26,403 and I'm quite happy living in that world. 111 00:06:26,443 --> 00:06:31,243 What if I said to Biden that this was a bloke, 112 00:06:31,283 --> 00:06:35,963 part of the American administrative staff who'd had to dress like that 113 00:06:36,003 --> 00:06:39,323 to get out of Afghanistan quickly. 114 00:06:39,363 --> 00:06:44,523 He now found he couldn't remove it, and he would go to the press 115 00:06:44,523 --> 00:06:47,163 unless he got a selfie with the President. 116 00:06:48,643 --> 00:06:50,363 I think that's a superb... 117 00:06:50,403 --> 00:06:53,043 Of all the outfits, though, to try and escape from somewhere quickly, 118 00:06:53,043 --> 00:06:56,163 that is probably the worst outfit you could choose. 119 00:06:56,203 --> 00:07:01,363 Yeah, but I think you could imagine the Taliban would be wary 120 00:07:01,403 --> 00:07:03,363 of approaching Mr Blobby. 121 00:07:03,363 --> 00:07:05,363 Yeah. 122 00:07:05,363 --> 00:07:08,323 What are you thinking here, James? We've got two good plans. 123 00:07:08,363 --> 00:07:10,723 I think the blackmail, kind of like, proper, like, "This is your fault. 124 00:07:10,763 --> 00:07:13,643 "If you don't do this, I'm gonna take your whole 125 00:07:13,683 --> 00:07:15,483 administration down," I like that. 126 00:07:15,523 --> 00:07:16,963 - Yeah. - I think that would work. 127 00:07:17,003 --> 00:07:19,923 Um, I think there is a bit of a risk of saying, 128 00:07:19,963 --> 00:07:22,563 like, He's severely ill with a brand new virus, 129 00:07:22,603 --> 00:07:24,363 will you have your photo taken next to him? 130 00:07:24,363 --> 00:07:35,163 Yeah, but it's like when people have a photo with terminally ill kids. 131 00:07:35,283 --> 00:07:39,083 It makes them look good. 132 00:07:39,083 --> 00:07:43,923 When I was a little disabled kid, 133 00:07:43,923 --> 00:07:49,763 all the celebrities got their photo with me. 134 00:07:49,763 --> 00:07:50,763 Did they? 135 00:07:50,763 --> 00:08:02,803 Neil Buchanan, Phillipa Forrester, Michael Flatley, all of them. 136 00:08:03,963 --> 00:08:06,923 I actually told her to fuck off. 137 00:08:13,003 --> 00:08:15,403 That was you! 138 00:08:16,803 --> 00:08:19,403 Just having a bad day, Rosie, I'm sorry. 139 00:08:19,443 --> 00:08:20,803 - Well, how about, James... - Yeah. 140 00:08:20,843 --> 00:08:22,763 Do you want to see if Rosie could convince you? 141 00:08:22,803 --> 00:08:25,403 Yeah, cause I'm pretty sure that Frank's, I buy that, 142 00:08:25,443 --> 00:08:27,963 but I need a bit more convincing with Rosie's one. 143 00:08:27,963 --> 00:08:29,803 So, I'm gonna set the Oval Office up, Rosie, 144 00:08:29,803 --> 00:08:31,603 and we'll see if you can convince Biden. 145 00:08:31,603 --> 00:08:33,043 CLIFF! 146 00:08:33,043 --> 00:08:34,883 Bring out the Oval Office right now. 147 00:08:35,883 --> 00:08:38,923 His name is Cliff, he works in props. 148 00:08:38,963 --> 00:08:41,483 He sets them up, and could do better. 149 00:08:41,483 --> 00:08:42,763 Right. 150 00:08:42,763 --> 00:08:44,203 So, who do you want to be, James? 151 00:08:44,203 --> 00:08:46,083 I'm gonna play President Joe Biden. 152 00:08:46,083 --> 00:08:48,323 - OK. - Just get into my costume. 153 00:08:48,323 --> 00:08:50,443 And who do you want? Rosie Jones down there? 154 00:08:50,483 --> 00:08:54,563 Rosie Jones, if you would like to join me in the Oval Office, 155 00:08:54,603 --> 00:08:57,283 and you've got to convince me proper. 156 00:08:57,683 --> 00:09:00,443 - Ready. - Where'd you get that camera from? 157 00:09:00,443 --> 00:09:02,283 I brought it. 158 00:09:02,283 --> 00:09:04,603 Er. 159 00:09:04,643 --> 00:09:07,283 Got to be prepared. 160 00:09:07,283 --> 00:09:10,163 This is the most dignified, like, 161 00:09:10,163 --> 00:09:14,763 I feel like we proper did walk into the Oval Office then, arm in arm. 162 00:09:14,763 --> 00:09:16,203 Right. 163 00:09:32,003 --> 00:09:44,403 First of all, before we get going, I want you to know how strong I am. 164 00:09:48,483 --> 00:09:50,163 You seem very strong. 165 00:09:53,243 --> 00:09:54,323 That's a good point. 166 00:09:54,323 --> 00:09:56,683 You've got my attention now. You've got my attention. 167 00:09:56,683 --> 00:10:03,563 Have you heard of Blobbyitis? 168 00:10:05,163 --> 00:10:06,883 Blobbyitis? No, I'm not familiar with Blobbyitis. 169 00:10:06,883 --> 00:10:09,803 We're trying to, like, tackle a lot of different stuff at the minute. 170 00:10:10,043 --> 00:10:17,203 It's a real problem sweeping through the UK. 171 00:10:17,203 --> 00:10:23,603 Have you heard of Battenberg cake? 172 00:10:23,603 --> 00:10:26,723 Yeah, I am familiar with Battenberg cake, yeah. 173 00:10:26,763 --> 00:10:28,083 I know the pattern of it. 174 00:10:28,123 --> 00:10:29,763 Really tasty. 175 00:10:29,803 --> 00:10:30,963 Oh, delicious. 176 00:10:30,963 --> 00:10:35,403 Do not eat loads of it. 177 00:10:35,443 --> 00:10:36,683 What would happen? 178 00:10:36,683 --> 00:10:38,283 I imagine it would just taste delicious 179 00:10:38,283 --> 00:10:39,763 and everything else would be fine. 180 00:10:39,763 --> 00:10:43,403 Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, Joey. 181 00:10:44,883 --> 00:10:46,443 Please, call me Bide-a-tron. 182 00:10:49,803 --> 00:10:55,563 Basically, if you eat shitloads of Battenburg 183 00:10:55,563 --> 00:11:02,123 you go to a seven-foot pink monster. 184 00:11:02,123 --> 00:11:04,163 Whoa. What can I do to help? 185 00:11:04,203 --> 00:11:06,323 I'll happily help with this. 186 00:11:06,363 --> 00:11:14,523 I think just having you there to promote it and to say, 187 00:11:14,523 --> 00:11:19,483 "Look, ease off the cake". 188 00:11:19,483 --> 00:11:21,043 Yeah, yeah. 189 00:11:21,043 --> 00:11:22,843 Just a photo of me on my own? I can do that. I can do that now. 190 00:11:22,923 --> 00:11:28,043 Well, could you have it with Blobby? 191 00:11:28,043 --> 00:11:32,843 It's not infectious. It's not. 192 00:11:32,843 --> 00:11:40,923 And before you reply, can I just remind you. 193 00:11:40,923 --> 00:11:43,523 Yeah, no, I don't want anything else in this office getting damaged. 194 00:11:43,523 --> 00:11:46,643 Can you guarantee me this Blobby guy, 195 00:11:46,643 --> 00:11:48,523 everything is gonna stay as it is? 196 00:11:48,523 --> 00:11:50,643 No more damage to my desk? 197 00:11:50,643 --> 00:11:54,363 Blobby will not damage you. 198 00:11:54,483 --> 00:11:55,803 Maybe. 199 00:11:57,323 --> 00:12:00,443 - Send Blobby in. Send him in. - Blobby! 200 00:12:00,443 --> 00:12:01,643 Send in Blobby. 201 00:12:08,923 --> 00:12:10,123 Blobby. 202 00:12:10,123 --> 00:12:12,803 Blobby, put that phone, tell him to put the phone down. 203 00:12:12,803 --> 00:12:14,723 Tell him to put the phone down. This is very important. 204 00:12:14,723 --> 00:12:16,203 Oh, hello, Blobby. 205 00:12:16,203 --> 00:12:17,923 I don't want anything else getting damaged. 206 00:12:17,923 --> 00:12:21,203 - Hello. - Oh, Jesus Christ. 207 00:12:21,203 --> 00:12:23,963 Blobby. What the hell? 208 00:12:28,403 --> 00:12:32,243 Just have a little photo. 209 00:12:32,243 --> 00:12:33,723 I don't dare go anywhere near him. 210 00:12:33,723 --> 00:12:36,323 That's my Newton's cradle. 211 00:12:36,323 --> 00:12:38,843 That was given to me by Newton himself. 212 00:12:39,963 --> 00:12:43,323 Just have a little photo. 213 00:12:43,323 --> 00:12:45,443 - Ready? - Blobby. 214 00:12:45,443 --> 00:12:47,763 Say cheese. 215 00:12:51,483 --> 00:12:54,083 - Blobby. - Yes. 216 00:12:54,083 --> 00:12:57,363 We did it! 217 00:13:00,923 --> 00:13:03,323 Thank you very much, Mr Blobby. 218 00:13:09,363 --> 00:13:11,163 James, your thoughts? 219 00:13:11,203 --> 00:13:15,163 I mean, Frank's very strong idea, Rosie's very strong idea. 220 00:13:15,443 --> 00:13:18,323 Remember, Rosie would probably, you know, have got thrown out 221 00:13:18,363 --> 00:13:22,043 for smashing up the desk before Blobby had got there. 222 00:13:22,043 --> 00:13:24,083 Look, I don't normally agree with violence. 223 00:13:24,083 --> 00:13:26,883 I don't think it's the best way forward, but it worked in that case. 224 00:13:26,883 --> 00:13:28,083 I'm giving Rosie Jones four points. 225 00:13:28,083 --> 00:13:29,243 Four points to Rosie Jones. 226 00:13:29,243 --> 00:13:31,763 Yes! 227 00:13:33,763 --> 00:13:36,443 It's time for James's Wishlist. 228 00:13:36,483 --> 00:13:40,963 Dreams can come true, look at me babe, I'm with you. 229 00:13:44,643 --> 00:13:45,963 It's not just the desk that's cheap. 230 00:13:47,123 --> 00:13:49,883 In this round we're gonna be picking something from James's ever-growing 231 00:13:49,923 --> 00:13:52,963 list of dreams, and our panellists are gonna tell us how they'd 232 00:13:53,003 --> 00:13:54,123 make it happen. 233 00:13:54,123 --> 00:13:56,443 This is a head to head for Jon and Esther. 234 00:13:56,483 --> 00:13:58,843 Best answer gets up to five points. 235 00:13:58,883 --> 00:14:01,683 So tell us, what's on your wish list this week, James? 236 00:14:01,723 --> 00:14:03,723 I'm in the market for a new vehicle. 237 00:14:03,763 --> 00:14:06,643 In fact, I've got my sights set on this. 238 00:14:09,043 --> 00:14:14,003 I want the decommissioned Royal Navy cruiser the HMS Belfast 239 00:14:14,043 --> 00:14:17,163 as my own private transportation. 240 00:14:17,203 --> 00:14:18,323 Are there any rules? 241 00:14:18,363 --> 00:14:23,283 In one week's time, I'll be waiting on Southend pier to take delivery 242 00:14:23,323 --> 00:14:25,203 of my new warship. 243 00:14:25,243 --> 00:14:28,483 If you get so much as a scratch on it I'll be livid. 244 00:14:28,523 --> 00:14:30,003 That's my sweet ride. 245 00:14:31,523 --> 00:14:34,523 James, you do know the HMS Belfast is a museum which is permanently 246 00:14:34,563 --> 00:14:35,883 moored on the Thames? 247 00:14:35,923 --> 00:14:39,043 Josh, I've always dreamt of sailing my own museum 248 00:14:39,083 --> 00:14:40,923 down a river. 249 00:14:40,963 --> 00:14:42,883 That's why I'm banned from the V&A. 250 00:14:44,243 --> 00:14:46,923 Right. Jon, have you been to the HMS Belfast? 251 00:14:46,963 --> 00:14:48,363 No, I haven't. 252 00:14:48,363 --> 00:14:49,883 Are you a museum kind of guy? 253 00:14:49,923 --> 00:14:52,003 You'd think I would be, wouldn't you? 254 00:14:52,003 --> 00:14:53,083 Yeah. 255 00:14:53,083 --> 00:14:54,883 But, turns out, too busy shagging. 256 00:14:56,163 --> 00:14:59,283 By which I mean visiting the carpet museum. 257 00:14:59,283 --> 00:15:01,483 I actually combined those two. 258 00:15:01,523 --> 00:15:04,923 I once had sex under the Cutty Sark. 259 00:15:04,923 --> 00:15:06,523 What? 260 00:15:06,523 --> 00:15:07,563 Honestly, in Greenwich. 261 00:15:07,603 --> 00:15:09,363 In the sea? 262 00:15:09,403 --> 00:15:10,523 No. 263 00:15:10,523 --> 00:15:11,443 How old are you? 264 00:15:15,843 --> 00:15:18,603 No, it was, it's moored in Greenwich. 265 00:15:18,643 --> 00:15:21,003 - Yeah. - You can stand under it. 266 00:15:21,043 --> 00:15:22,763 Esther, are you a museums fan? 267 00:15:22,803 --> 00:15:23,963 No, not massively. 268 00:15:24,003 --> 00:15:25,843 What museums have been to? 269 00:15:25,883 --> 00:15:27,363 The Natural History. 270 00:15:27,403 --> 00:15:29,243 - Yeah. - Quite a long wait, isn't it? 271 00:15:29,243 --> 00:15:30,443 Not a lot of pay-off. 272 00:15:30,443 --> 00:15:32,323 I mean you see the dinosaur and you're kind of like, 273 00:15:32,323 --> 00:15:35,563 that's it, that's the main bit done, and then you've just got a lot 274 00:15:35,603 --> 00:15:39,723 of walking to get to the gift shop, 275 00:15:39,723 --> 00:15:42,043 and in between that you can see a lot of butterflies. 276 00:15:45,563 --> 00:15:50,083 So, any initial thoughts on how you'd get the HMS Belfast, Jon? 277 00:15:50,083 --> 00:15:53,323 My immediate instinct is, how do you, if you are, 278 00:15:53,363 --> 00:15:57,083 you know, a working class person, how do you get a boat? 279 00:15:57,123 --> 00:15:59,323 And the answer is Bullseye. 280 00:15:59,363 --> 00:16:02,683 So somehow we've got to bring Bullseye back, 281 00:16:02,723 --> 00:16:05,683 but with bigger boats. 282 00:16:05,683 --> 00:16:08,883 If we can get some money behind it. 283 00:16:08,883 --> 00:16:11,003 You know, Netflix have got all the money now, haven't they? 284 00:16:11,163 --> 00:16:14,203 We've got to somehow get Netflix into Bullseye. 285 00:16:14,203 --> 00:16:16,523 People go to Netflix for certain kinds of programmes, 286 00:16:16,563 --> 00:16:18,763 which seem to be, like, murders. 287 00:16:18,803 --> 00:16:19,843 Yeah. 288 00:16:19,843 --> 00:16:24,043 So you've got to start by sexing up darts by killing a darts player 289 00:16:24,083 --> 00:16:25,803 in a sort of unsolved way. 290 00:16:25,843 --> 00:16:29,043 I know we've got a seven-day deadline, but if presumably 291 00:16:29,083 --> 00:16:32,363 on Monday you can push a darts player down the stairs. 292 00:16:32,403 --> 00:16:34,003 That was the original start to the Craig David 293 00:16:34,043 --> 00:16:35,323 song, wasn't it? 294 00:16:37,563 --> 00:16:40,963 I think you've got to kill someone on Monday, not get caught 295 00:16:41,003 --> 00:16:46,523 on Tuesday, film a Netflix series about it on Wednesday, 296 00:16:46,563 --> 00:16:50,203 get everybody in the world to watch it on Thursday, 297 00:16:50,243 --> 00:16:52,723 then on Friday you bring Bullseye back. 298 00:16:52,763 --> 00:16:54,523 You are the host of Bullseye. 299 00:16:54,563 --> 00:16:56,763 - You convince Netflix. - Yes. 300 00:16:56,803 --> 00:16:58,963 We've got to ramp it up, so instead of the speedboat, 301 00:16:59,003 --> 00:17:01,803 how about the HMS Belfast as a prize? 302 00:17:01,803 --> 00:17:03,523 You say, "Don't worry, no one's gonna win it. 303 00:17:03,523 --> 00:17:04,883 I'll rig it." 304 00:17:04,923 --> 00:17:07,203 You take the prize. You film that on Saturday. 305 00:17:07,243 --> 00:17:11,083 Sunday, Southend pier, wallop, got yourself a warship. 306 00:17:13,323 --> 00:17:14,483 Yes. 307 00:17:16,203 --> 00:17:17,683 Not a bad idea, not a bad idea. 308 00:17:17,683 --> 00:17:21,723 So what are you, presumably not going along the same lines, Esther? 309 00:17:21,763 --> 00:17:23,443 No, I've taken a different path. 310 00:17:23,483 --> 00:17:28,963 I think we should turn the HMS Belfast into just like one massive 311 00:17:29,003 --> 00:17:31,843 giftshop / cafe. 312 00:17:31,883 --> 00:17:33,483 - Mmm? - Mmm? 313 00:17:33,483 --> 00:17:36,003 - The perfect museum. - The perfect museum. 314 00:17:36,043 --> 00:17:40,723 And then get all the people who would get really excited 315 00:17:40,763 --> 00:17:46,283 by that, so we'll use like an army of school children and old people. 316 00:17:46,483 --> 00:17:51,083 And we'll get them to lasso it, and we'll drag it to the pier 317 00:17:51,123 --> 00:17:52,603 to meet you. 318 00:17:52,603 --> 00:17:53,963 So why are they dragging it? 319 00:17:55,283 --> 00:18:00,403 Because... Well, good question. 320 00:18:00,443 --> 00:18:01,643 - Yeah. - So, well done. 321 00:18:01,683 --> 00:18:04,283 I'm sounding like a bit of a stickler here, but normally 322 00:18:04,323 --> 00:18:06,643 if people get excited about visiting a museum, 323 00:18:06,683 --> 00:18:09,483 they don't get so excited that they drag it to Portsmouth. 324 00:18:12,443 --> 00:18:13,563 Wherever it is. 325 00:18:13,603 --> 00:18:16,923 If you say to the school children you will never have to go 326 00:18:16,963 --> 00:18:18,923 to a museum trip again. 327 00:18:18,963 --> 00:18:20,203 Yeah. 328 00:18:20,203 --> 00:18:22,883 If you drag this, so you've got to get that legislation out 329 00:18:22,923 --> 00:18:26,083 in the national curriculum, and then get the children to drag 330 00:18:26,123 --> 00:18:30,603 the ship, and then the old people can come inside to have tea 331 00:18:30,643 --> 00:18:32,123 with you on a regular basis. 332 00:18:32,163 --> 00:18:33,923 So the old people live on the ship now? 333 00:18:33,963 --> 00:18:35,363 They live with you. 334 00:18:35,403 --> 00:18:37,443 - So I'm sharing this ship with... - Yeah. 335 00:18:37,483 --> 00:18:39,923 - ..loads of pensioners. - Yeah. 336 00:18:39,963 --> 00:18:43,323 You could make it a Duke of Edinburgh award thing 337 00:18:43,363 --> 00:18:44,403 for the young people. 338 00:18:44,403 --> 00:18:46,843 Oh, yeah, the young people love a Duke of Edinburgh award. 339 00:18:46,843 --> 00:18:48,203 Or you could just say it's a broken... 340 00:18:48,203 --> 00:18:49,483 You know when your car breaks down? 341 00:18:49,523 --> 00:18:52,083 You get out, there's always like a couple of blokes who come 342 00:18:52,123 --> 00:18:53,203 over and help you to push it. 343 00:18:53,243 --> 00:18:54,363 Yeah. 344 00:18:54,403 --> 00:18:58,763 You could just stand by the side of HMS Belfast and go, 345 00:18:58,803 --> 00:19:01,923 "Oh, can't get this started. 346 00:19:03,003 --> 00:19:04,443 "Mate, can you give us a...?" 347 00:19:04,443 --> 00:19:08,283 and before you know where you are, you're passing the Thames Barrier. 348 00:19:08,323 --> 00:19:09,523 Drag it away. 349 00:19:09,523 --> 00:19:11,523 As it's being dragged, just reveals Frank shagging underneath. 350 00:19:18,803 --> 00:19:21,323 Shall we see how Esther's pitch would go to HMS Belfast, James? 351 00:19:21,363 --> 00:19:22,923 Yeah, I'd like to see this in action. 352 00:19:22,963 --> 00:19:24,443 James, have you got a set for this? 353 00:19:24,483 --> 00:19:26,243 - Yeah, it's right there. - Oh, yeah, sorry, my mistake. 354 00:19:26,243 --> 00:19:29,123 Right, do you want to play the captain of HMS Belfast? 355 00:19:29,163 --> 00:19:30,243 I'll play the captain. 356 00:19:30,283 --> 00:19:34,763 Yeah, it's a museum, but it still needs a captain, I reckon. 357 00:19:34,803 --> 00:19:41,763 So, like, I'm just gonna be, just kicking around in the poop nest. 358 00:19:41,803 --> 00:19:42,923 The poop nest? 359 00:19:42,963 --> 00:19:44,283 Yeah. 360 00:19:44,323 --> 00:19:45,723 I'm just the captain. 361 00:19:45,763 --> 00:19:47,443 Do you want to see me pop a wheely? 362 00:19:47,483 --> 00:19:48,483 Whoa. 363 00:19:53,683 --> 00:19:55,283 Pretty cool captain. 364 00:19:55,323 --> 00:19:56,483 Can I come in and talk to you? 365 00:19:56,523 --> 00:19:58,283 Yes, please knock on the belt, yes. 366 00:19:58,323 --> 00:20:00,083 I mean, I would, yeah, I'll just walk round it, 367 00:20:00,123 --> 00:20:01,123 cause there's space there. 368 00:20:01,163 --> 00:20:05,163 Um, so I'm not 100% sure that this is the job for you. 369 00:20:05,203 --> 00:20:07,163 You don't seem... No, you shouldn't do that. 370 00:20:07,203 --> 00:20:08,963 It's not really. 371 00:20:09,003 --> 00:20:11,403 I mean I clearly know more about this, and your hat kind 372 00:20:11,443 --> 00:20:13,403 of indicates that maybe you shouldn't be here. 373 00:20:13,443 --> 00:20:17,363 So what I think is, is that you just need to maybe retire. 374 00:20:17,403 --> 00:20:19,803 - Mmm? - And then just give me the ship. 375 00:20:19,843 --> 00:20:21,803 You say you know more about this than I do? 376 00:20:21,843 --> 00:20:24,803 Well, I think it's pretty evident that most people do. 377 00:20:24,843 --> 00:20:27,163 Give me some ship facts, and if you know more about ships 378 00:20:27,203 --> 00:20:29,563 than I do, I'll hand over the ship. 379 00:20:29,563 --> 00:20:30,763 OK. 380 00:20:30,763 --> 00:20:35,043 So that is your boiler steam turner gadget hose. 381 00:20:35,043 --> 00:20:36,963 - Yeah? - Ah, I underestimated you. 382 00:20:37,003 --> 00:20:38,003 Yeah. 383 00:20:42,843 --> 00:20:47,883 And then you've got the door to port starboard. 384 00:20:48,803 --> 00:20:51,203 Wrong. That is my PlayStation room. 385 00:20:53,883 --> 00:20:57,123 Well, I don't know if you know about this comedian 386 00:20:57,123 --> 00:20:58,563 who's called James Acaster. 387 00:20:58,563 --> 00:21:00,763 He really wants to live on the ship, 388 00:21:00,763 --> 00:21:02,323 so it would be a really honourable thing 389 00:21:02,323 --> 00:21:03,403 if you could just give him the ship. 390 00:21:03,603 --> 00:21:04,883 - Question for you. - Yeah. 391 00:21:04,923 --> 00:21:06,603 If I give up this ship... 392 00:21:06,643 --> 00:21:09,043 - Which you will. - ..is it just gonna be... 393 00:21:09,043 --> 00:21:12,163 Is it just gonna be James Acaster on here, or are other people gonna 394 00:21:12,203 --> 00:21:13,283 be living on this ship? 395 00:21:13,323 --> 00:21:15,403 'Cause I'm very particular about who lives on this ship. 396 00:21:15,443 --> 00:21:21,163 Well, James Acaster has an army of elderly ladies. 397 00:21:22,403 --> 00:21:25,003 - Just ladies now? - Just ladies. 398 00:21:25,003 --> 00:21:27,523 He's really into them. 399 00:21:32,323 --> 00:21:33,923 - You're telling me... - Yeah. 400 00:21:33,963 --> 00:21:35,563 ..James Acaster the comedian... 401 00:21:35,603 --> 00:21:38,283 - Yeah. - ..loves old women... 402 00:21:38,323 --> 00:21:39,963 - Yeah. - ..in a sexual way? 403 00:21:40,003 --> 00:21:41,243 Well, yes. 404 00:21:41,283 --> 00:21:44,923 And as a result he has populated the HMS Belfast with them 405 00:21:44,963 --> 00:21:46,363 and is sailing the seven seas with them. 406 00:21:46,363 --> 00:21:48,163 Yeah. So, see, you can't really use it, 407 00:21:48,163 --> 00:21:50,483 so it's probably best if I just take it now. 408 00:21:50,483 --> 00:21:54,403 Well, listen, I'll think about it, but as it is, let me know what cabin 409 00:21:54,443 --> 00:21:58,443 Mr Acaster is staying in, and I'll send Mildred and Ethel down. 410 00:21:58,443 --> 00:22:02,283 I like all my passengers to leave satisfied. 411 00:22:03,963 --> 00:22:05,803 But not Mildred and Ethel. 412 00:22:09,723 --> 00:22:10,723 Thank you. 413 00:22:13,963 --> 00:22:16,403 - Well, James. - Yes? 414 00:22:16,523 --> 00:22:21,323 You've got the darts-based Netflix pitch, and you've got, 415 00:22:21,363 --> 00:22:25,203 the pitch based on the fact that you like to have sex with old women. 416 00:22:25,203 --> 00:22:27,123 That took a turn, didn't it? 417 00:22:27,163 --> 00:22:31,523 Look, I'm gonna have to go with Jon, because otherwise I'm... 418 00:22:31,563 --> 00:22:33,483 ..I'm saying a lot of things about myself that I'm 419 00:22:33,523 --> 00:22:34,803 not comfortable with. 420 00:22:34,843 --> 00:22:36,643 How many points are you gonna give him, James? 421 00:22:36,683 --> 00:22:38,403 I'm gonna give Jon Richardson four points. 422 00:22:38,403 --> 00:22:39,803 Four points. 423 00:22:41,803 --> 00:22:43,723 Where does this leave the scores? 424 00:22:43,723 --> 00:22:47,043 That means Dead Horse has zero points, while Jon and Carer 425 00:22:47,083 --> 00:22:49,483 are in the lead with eight points. 426 00:22:49,563 --> 00:22:51,298 Yeah! 427 00:22:51,383 --> 00:22:54,163 Next up, it's time for the Great Wall of Celebrities. 428 00:22:57,283 --> 00:23:02,523 There they are, the last six winners of Rear of the Year. 429 00:23:02,563 --> 00:23:04,243 Yet another award I was robbed of. 430 00:23:04,283 --> 00:23:05,923 Thanks a bunch, Blobby. 431 00:23:06,923 --> 00:23:09,403 Teams, you must take it in turns to pick a celeb and guess how 432 00:23:09,443 --> 00:23:11,283 they answered a tricky hypothetical. 433 00:23:11,323 --> 00:23:13,643 Each question is worth one point. 434 00:23:13,683 --> 00:23:15,723 Jon and Rosie, who are you gonna go for? 435 00:23:15,763 --> 00:23:19,683 I think it's a no-brainer. 436 00:23:19,683 --> 00:23:27,443 We've gotta go for our lord and saviour, our hero, 437 00:23:27,443 --> 00:23:28,723 Blobby. 438 00:23:31,683 --> 00:23:35,203 We said to Mr Blobby you have to be turned into an inanimate object. 439 00:23:35,243 --> 00:23:36,723 What do you choose? 440 00:23:36,763 --> 00:23:40,163 "Turned into" is generous for a start, isn't it? 441 00:23:42,203 --> 00:23:43,243 What would you choose? 442 00:23:43,283 --> 00:23:47,843 I'd like to be a bottle opener, because everyone is always really 443 00:23:47,883 --> 00:23:49,923 pleased when they see a bottle opener. 444 00:23:52,363 --> 00:23:55,403 I think that's a very strong answer. Rosie? 445 00:23:55,403 --> 00:23:59,203 Easy. A bra. 446 00:23:59,203 --> 00:24:06,003 Always warm, always near tits. 447 00:24:13,123 --> 00:24:23,243 I am literally the only comedian who could say that and get a clap. 448 00:24:23,243 --> 00:24:26,043 Who do you think Mr, what do you think Mr... 449 00:24:26,043 --> 00:24:29,483 I think the genius of picking Blobby now is I think we're gonna get this, 450 00:24:29,523 --> 00:24:33,163 cause I think he said "Blobby, blobby, blobby". 451 00:24:33,163 --> 00:24:35,163 You're gonna go with blobby, blobby, blobby? 452 00:24:35,163 --> 00:24:36,563 - Yeah, yeah. - OK, let's see. 453 00:24:38,443 --> 00:24:41,923 Blob, blob, blobby, pencil. 454 00:24:42,083 --> 00:24:43,243 It was a pencil. 455 00:24:43,243 --> 00:24:49,843 He has never spoken before. 456 00:24:49,883 --> 00:24:51,803 He's never been asked that question. 457 00:24:54,763 --> 00:24:56,643 Er, who would you like to choose, you two? 458 00:24:57,443 --> 00:25:00,443 - Shall we go for Blobby again? - Yeah, we'll go for Blobby again. 459 00:25:00,483 --> 00:25:02,923 Would you rather, we said to Mr Blobby would you rather be 460 00:25:02,963 --> 00:25:08,083 a dog with the brain of a human, a human with the brain of a dog, 461 00:25:08,123 --> 00:25:09,123 or a dog? 462 00:25:11,923 --> 00:25:13,763 Which do you think the happiest is of those three? 463 00:25:13,803 --> 00:25:17,163 I can't imagine a dog with the brain of a human is that happy. 464 00:25:17,203 --> 00:25:18,843 You'd be really frustrated. 465 00:25:18,843 --> 00:25:20,003 Yeah. 466 00:25:20,003 --> 00:25:22,603 Whereas a human with the brain of a dog, one imagines, 467 00:25:22,643 --> 00:25:24,483 would be blissfully happy. 468 00:25:25,483 --> 00:25:32,363 Um, one meets examples of it all the time. 469 00:25:32,403 --> 00:25:35,363 I think there could be fun with being a dog with the brain 470 00:25:35,403 --> 00:25:37,483 of a human, couldn't there? 471 00:25:37,523 --> 00:25:43,243 And probably a pretty healthy career in military intelligence. 472 00:25:44,923 --> 00:25:48,203 I think he'd probably go for the dog with the brain of a human. 473 00:25:48,243 --> 00:25:50,083 I don't know, I think he'd prefer to be a dog. 474 00:25:50,123 --> 00:25:51,763 He said he wanted to be a pencil earlier. 475 00:25:51,803 --> 00:25:53,283 Yeah, if you remember that earlier question, 476 00:25:53,323 --> 00:25:55,843 where instead of a choice of three we got asked to pick any object 477 00:25:55,883 --> 00:25:57,643 from the history of time. 478 00:25:58,643 --> 00:26:01,763 You run your quiz how you want, lads. 479 00:26:05,763 --> 00:26:07,683 Well, I'm really happy to go with you, Esther, 480 00:26:07,723 --> 00:26:11,803 cause I feel that you are, you don't agree with my choice. 481 00:26:11,843 --> 00:26:13,323 No, I'm happy to go with you. 482 00:26:13,363 --> 00:26:15,323 Dog with the brain of a human, yeah? 483 00:26:15,363 --> 00:26:17,523 - All right, OK. - Let's see. 484 00:26:20,083 --> 00:26:23,843 Blob. Blob. Blob. Blob. 485 00:26:23,843 --> 00:26:26,603 Oh-oh-oh-oh! Blobby. 486 00:26:32,403 --> 00:26:34,003 We've got "dog" written down here. 487 00:26:34,043 --> 00:26:36,803 You can have the point, because I think that's fair enough. 488 00:26:36,843 --> 00:26:38,083 - It could have been any. - Yeah, yeah. 489 00:26:38,123 --> 00:26:40,603 - Right, Jon and Rosie. - Blobby, innit? 490 00:26:40,603 --> 00:26:45,563 Shall we go for your girlfriend? 491 00:26:45,603 --> 00:26:49,003 I think they've already done Mr Blobby, haven't they? 492 00:26:49,043 --> 00:26:53,123 Well, I think the mind I would most, the mind I've spent the most time 493 00:26:53,163 --> 00:26:54,843 with up there is that of Susie Dent. 494 00:26:54,883 --> 00:26:56,003 - Yeah. - OK. 495 00:26:56,043 --> 00:26:58,603 We said to Susie Dent the horn on your car is going to be replaced. 496 00:26:58,643 --> 00:27:01,283 What new noise do you want it to make? 497 00:27:01,323 --> 00:27:04,363 From all the noises in the history of time. 498 00:27:04,403 --> 00:27:05,803 Do you know what? 499 00:27:05,803 --> 00:27:08,123 There's no options and I'm really pleased about it, Jon. 500 00:27:08,123 --> 00:27:10,323 You know what? 501 00:27:10,323 --> 00:27:14,763 She likes a word, doesn't she? 502 00:27:14,763 --> 00:27:16,083 Yeah. 503 00:27:16,083 --> 00:27:22,883 Maybe just a different swear word every time. 504 00:27:22,883 --> 00:27:26,163 Like "fuck!" 505 00:27:26,203 --> 00:27:28,003 "Sheet!" 506 00:27:29,323 --> 00:27:31,883 "Twat!" 507 00:27:33,083 --> 00:27:34,283 Jon, what are you thinking? 508 00:27:34,323 --> 00:27:36,883 It would be nice to have a tut, wouldn't it? 509 00:27:36,923 --> 00:27:39,923 There's no more annoying, cause the real horn is to piss off 510 00:27:39,963 --> 00:27:41,003 the other person, isn't it? 511 00:27:41,043 --> 00:27:44,443 And there is no more annoying noise than. 512 00:27:44,483 --> 00:27:47,123 The horn is too aggressive, but I think Susie would be like me, 513 00:27:47,163 --> 00:27:50,363 and if she uses the horn she would instantly regret it 514 00:27:50,403 --> 00:27:54,683 and shit herself, so she'd want it to say "sorry" immediately. 515 00:27:54,683 --> 00:28:01,203 Is there a way to swear as an apology? 516 00:28:01,203 --> 00:28:05,923 - I'm fucking sorry. - I'm fucking sorry. 517 00:28:06,643 --> 00:28:08,443 OK, we're gonna go with "I'm fucking sorry". 518 00:28:08,483 --> 00:28:12,563 Can I say, if I was her, I would have... 519 00:28:12,563 --> 00:28:15,723 (hums Countdown timer music) 520 00:28:17,403 --> 00:28:20,883 If she says that you can have a bonus point. 521 00:28:20,923 --> 00:28:22,403 Thanks. 522 00:28:23,883 --> 00:28:26,563 "I'm fucking sorry." Let's see if she goes with it. 523 00:28:27,763 --> 00:28:29,443 Well, there's only one answer to this. 524 00:28:29,443 --> 00:28:32,443 It's got to be... (hums Countdown timer music) 525 00:28:42,483 --> 00:28:44,763 You've got to be gutted about that. 526 00:28:44,763 --> 00:28:45,963 Well, do you know? 527 00:28:45,963 --> 00:28:49,163 It occurred to me, and then I know from being on the show that it costs 528 00:28:49,203 --> 00:28:53,243 money to even hum that much of it, so I thought I've seen your props, 529 00:28:53,283 --> 00:28:54,323 they ain't paying that guy. 530 00:28:54,363 --> 00:28:57,963 And that is the end of the round. 531 00:29:01,283 --> 00:29:03,603 But of course, we'll see the celebrities again at the end 532 00:29:03,643 --> 00:29:05,763 of the show for Big Hat Small Hat. 533 00:29:05,803 --> 00:29:08,243 It's time for our next round, which is Not For a Million Quid. 534 00:29:12,843 --> 00:29:15,243 In this round we want to know how much you'd need to be paid to live 535 00:29:15,283 --> 00:29:16,923 through a hypothetical situation. 536 00:29:16,963 --> 00:29:19,043 The lowest bidder has to tell us how they'd do it. 537 00:29:19,083 --> 00:29:21,243 There's three points on offer if we think you'd pull it off, 538 00:29:21,283 --> 00:29:24,403 and if I don't believe your bid is genuine I'll disqualify you. 539 00:29:24,403 --> 00:29:28,683 The question is how much to live as a one-man band for a year? 540 00:29:30,323 --> 00:29:31,963 A one-man band. James, the rules. 541 00:29:32,003 --> 00:29:35,643 Whenever you're awake you must be making noise with the kit. 542 00:29:35,643 --> 00:29:37,363 You can take it off at night to sleep 543 00:29:37,363 --> 00:29:40,123 but you must put it on again if you get up to go to the loo. 544 00:29:40,163 --> 00:29:42,083 You can't tamper with the kit in any way, 545 00:29:42,083 --> 00:29:45,003 unless tampering somehow makes it louder. 546 00:29:45,043 --> 00:29:47,963 OK. And what's the one-man band look like, James? 547 00:29:48,003 --> 00:29:50,003 Oh, it looks like this. Put it on the screen there. 548 00:29:50,043 --> 00:29:52,443 - There I am. - That is the one-man band. 549 00:29:52,483 --> 00:29:54,723 Any questions about how this would affect your life? 550 00:29:54,763 --> 00:30:00,083 So you can take it off when you're sleeping? 551 00:30:00,083 --> 00:30:01,403 - Yeah. - Yeah. 552 00:30:01,403 --> 00:30:04,963 What about showering? 553 00:30:04,963 --> 00:30:08,483 - Have it on. - What about shagging? 554 00:30:08,483 --> 00:30:09,723 - Have it on. - Have it on. 555 00:30:10,043 --> 00:30:12,963 Have it on when you're having it off. 556 00:30:13,003 --> 00:30:15,403 Easier for the security guard at the Cutty Sark, 557 00:30:15,443 --> 00:30:16,443 I imagine. 558 00:30:21,723 --> 00:30:23,123 Any other questions? 559 00:30:23,123 --> 00:30:24,683 Everyone is happy with their bids. 560 00:30:24,723 --> 00:30:27,003 Right. Jon, how much to do it for a year? 561 00:30:27,043 --> 00:30:30,683 (hums Countdown timer music) 562 00:30:30,683 --> 00:30:32,083 £12,000. 563 00:30:32,083 --> 00:30:34,603 £12,000, what I got paid to be a sales rep. 564 00:30:34,883 --> 00:30:37,083 Just to be clear, you worked in sales? 565 00:30:37,123 --> 00:30:39,403 Yeah. 'Cause of my charm. 566 00:30:40,843 --> 00:30:42,483 Rosie, how much? 567 00:30:42,483 --> 00:30:47,363 I am absolutely not doing this. 568 00:30:47,363 --> 00:30:50,963 - £100 million. - £100 million. 569 00:30:50,963 --> 00:30:52,323 Esther? 570 00:30:52,323 --> 00:30:57,043 Um, I wrote 500 per week, so that works out as 24 grand a year. 571 00:30:57,043 --> 00:30:58,443 24 grand. 572 00:30:58,443 --> 00:31:01,803 I don't know why I thought 500 per week, but I thought that's quite a solid salary, isn't it? 573 00:31:01,803 --> 00:31:03,363 Yeah, that's good. Yeah, yeah. 574 00:31:03,443 --> 00:31:05,083 Frank? 575 00:31:05,123 --> 00:31:06,243 I went two quid. 576 00:31:11,163 --> 00:31:14,123 Um, I'm guessing that's an average salary. 577 00:31:17,563 --> 00:31:21,923 No, I obsessively sing all the time. 578 00:31:21,963 --> 00:31:26,163 I've had to fight it when I'm on air, and I honestly think I'd 579 00:31:26,203 --> 00:31:27,603 find it very enriching. 580 00:31:27,643 --> 00:31:29,683 I'd be sitting here, well, I'd have to stand. 581 00:31:29,683 --> 00:31:31,683 James, does his enthusiasm make you think he could do it? 582 00:31:31,683 --> 00:31:32,923 It does, actually. 583 00:31:32,923 --> 00:31:36,923 It's quite nice to hear, this would be like a whole new thing 584 00:31:36,963 --> 00:31:39,043 - for Frank, a new venture. - Yeah. 585 00:31:39,043 --> 00:31:40,283 I'd like to see it in action, of course. 586 00:31:40,283 --> 00:31:41,923 I'm not gonna just take his word for it. 587 00:31:41,923 --> 00:31:43,523 - But it's looking good. - Yeah. 588 00:31:43,523 --> 00:31:44,723 Well, shall we see it in action? 589 00:31:44,723 --> 00:31:46,643 Yeah, let's get a set out here and see how you'd do, Frank. 590 00:31:46,683 --> 00:31:47,683 CLIFF! 591 00:31:48,003 --> 00:31:52,043 Cliff, get a library out here right now. 592 00:31:52,083 --> 00:31:55,323 His name is Cliff, he works in props. 593 00:31:55,363 --> 00:31:58,843 He sets them up, and could do better. 594 00:31:58,883 --> 00:32:01,043 Do you want to go down and, do you want to be a librarian? 595 00:32:01,083 --> 00:32:03,523 Yeah, I'd love to be a librarian. Got a librarian. 596 00:32:03,563 --> 00:32:05,523 The role you were born to play. 597 00:32:05,523 --> 00:32:09,363 I've got to be careful, cause these type of glasses turn me on. 598 00:32:14,723 --> 00:32:18,323 James is wearing his ex-lover's glasses. 599 00:32:18,363 --> 00:32:21,203 Cause only an old square would wear a glasses chain, 600 00:32:21,243 --> 00:32:24,203 wouldn't they, James? 601 00:32:24,203 --> 00:32:26,243 Yeah, only an old, pathetic square. 602 00:32:26,243 --> 00:32:28,643 OK. Well, if your customer would like to come in. 603 00:32:45,003 --> 00:32:46,883 Very nice tune. 604 00:32:50,003 --> 00:32:52,163 It's getting further away from me. 605 00:32:52,163 --> 00:32:53,363 How may I help you? 606 00:32:53,403 --> 00:32:55,643 Um, I'd like, a book. 607 00:32:55,643 --> 00:32:57,003 Got any? 608 00:32:57,043 --> 00:32:58,123 I've got quite a few books. 609 00:32:58,163 --> 00:33:01,203 We just got a new shipment in today. Some great ones. 610 00:33:01,243 --> 00:33:03,763 I'm looking for sheet music. 611 00:33:03,803 --> 00:33:05,123 Oh, yeah, we've got a lot of sheet music. 612 00:33:05,163 --> 00:33:06,723 What songs do you want to learn? 613 00:33:06,763 --> 00:33:11,443 Well, would you like to join in me in a duet? 614 00:33:11,443 --> 00:33:14,483 Because I don't get much librarian action. 615 00:33:14,483 --> 00:33:16,523 Absolutely. You don't have to ask me twice. 616 00:33:16,523 --> 00:33:18,043 No, I wasn't planning on. 617 00:33:22,763 --> 00:33:27,963 Books, books, books, library books, open up and give 'em a look. 618 00:33:28,003 --> 00:33:33,083 Have a read, lots of words, some of them, are absurd, 619 00:33:33,123 --> 00:33:36,203 like turds, that's a silly word. 620 00:33:36,243 --> 00:33:38,763 Means shit, don't forget about it. 621 00:33:38,803 --> 00:33:43,443 I've got a desk, it's made of wood, not like the one in the Oval Office, 622 00:33:43,483 --> 00:33:44,523 that's no good. 623 00:33:53,083 --> 00:33:54,523 - Wow. - You know what? 624 00:33:54,523 --> 00:33:56,363 This is the most fun I've ever had in a library. 625 00:33:56,403 --> 00:33:59,603 Me too, although I would advise anyone who's going to improvise 626 00:33:59,643 --> 00:34:02,483 a song, don't do one with a rhyme structure that 627 00:34:02,523 --> 00:34:04,603 repeats so frequently. 628 00:34:04,643 --> 00:34:07,163 Me and you could write the next England football team song. 629 00:34:07,203 --> 00:34:08,763 You can get rid of those other guys, 630 00:34:08,763 --> 00:34:10,723 and me and you could write the next one. 631 00:34:10,763 --> 00:34:12,283 - Can you sing? - Yeah, yeah. 632 00:34:12,323 --> 00:34:14,243 You're in. 633 00:34:14,283 --> 00:34:16,323 Kick the ball, kick the ball, kick the fucking ball. 634 00:34:16,363 --> 00:34:18,683 Kick the ball in the fucking goal. 635 00:34:18,723 --> 00:34:21,883 We're gonna win the World Cup and everybody else is gonna 636 00:34:21,923 --> 00:34:23,963 cry like little babies. 637 00:34:24,003 --> 00:34:26,763 You're a bunch of little babies, best country in the world. 638 00:34:26,803 --> 00:34:27,803 Fuck you. 639 00:34:31,843 --> 00:34:33,483 - James? - Yeah? 640 00:34:33,523 --> 00:34:36,243 I mean normally we'd say do you think he could do it. 641 00:34:36,283 --> 00:34:38,123 I think he, I wouldn't be surprised if he does do it. 642 00:34:38,163 --> 00:34:40,723 I think Frank has spread happiness to this librarian, 643 00:34:40,763 --> 00:34:42,883 he's spread happiness throughout this whole studio, 644 00:34:42,923 --> 00:34:44,443 and there's no way he couldn't do this. 645 00:34:44,483 --> 00:34:45,763 I'm giving Frank the full three points. 646 00:34:45,803 --> 00:34:46,803 Three points. 647 00:34:48,523 --> 00:34:52,283 This is, can I say, this is gonna be my main problem. 648 00:35:04,923 --> 00:35:07,363 In this round we're going to deliver a series of rapid fire 649 00:35:07,403 --> 00:35:09,683 hypotheticals, which we want our panellists to solve 650 00:35:09,723 --> 00:35:11,003 as quickly as possible. 651 00:35:11,043 --> 00:35:13,443 Josh will read out the hypothetical and then I will say the name 652 00:35:13,483 --> 00:35:15,403 of the person that I would like to answer it. 653 00:35:15,443 --> 00:35:17,963 But if we think the answer is stupid we will hit our buttons to stop 654 00:35:18,003 --> 00:35:20,683 the clock and ask what the hell you're on about. 655 00:35:20,723 --> 00:35:22,763 Best player wins the round. 656 00:35:22,803 --> 00:35:24,243 OK. 657 00:35:24,283 --> 00:35:25,403 Lighting change. 658 00:35:27,323 --> 00:35:30,523 You must come up with a new greeting to replace the traditional "hello". 659 00:35:30,563 --> 00:35:31,563 Jones. 660 00:35:33,563 --> 00:35:36,003 Hello, there. 661 00:35:37,203 --> 00:35:39,123 So to replace "hello" we're going "hello there". 662 00:35:42,283 --> 00:35:44,843 I'm gonna say it. Shittest start we've ever had. 663 00:35:46,483 --> 00:35:50,363 Mine would be "I'm absolutely fine if you want to pretend you haven't 664 00:35:50,403 --> 00:35:54,843 seen me and we'll both just carry on what we were doing". 665 00:35:56,163 --> 00:35:58,483 You've been placed in a time machine that sends you back to the very 666 00:35:58,523 --> 00:36:00,923 recent past - one hour ago, to be exact. 667 00:36:00,963 --> 00:36:02,923 - What are you going to do differently? = Manito. 668 00:36:02,963 --> 00:36:06,883 Probably where we had a little chat and sorted out our team name. 669 00:36:06,923 --> 00:36:08,843 - I'd do that differently. - You'd do that differently? 670 00:36:08,843 --> 00:36:10,523 - Yeah. - You wouldn't go Dead Horse. 671 00:36:10,563 --> 00:36:12,443 No. Dead Donkey. 672 00:36:14,043 --> 00:36:15,523 Wrapping paper is bad for the environment. 673 00:36:15,563 --> 00:36:17,803 Come up with a new method of disguising birthday presents. 674 00:36:17,843 --> 00:36:19,243 Skinner. 675 00:36:19,283 --> 00:36:22,083 - Custard. - Yeah. 676 00:36:22,123 --> 00:36:24,683 You're in charge of marketing a new horror film about an evil pet 677 00:36:24,723 --> 00:36:25,843 called The Hamstering. 678 00:36:25,883 --> 00:36:27,363 It needs a tagline. 679 00:36:27,363 --> 00:36:28,563 Jones. 680 00:36:28,603 --> 00:36:33,083 Um, wheely, wheely fun. 681 00:36:33,123 --> 00:36:35,083 - Yeah. - Very good. 682 00:36:35,123 --> 00:36:37,603 Podcasts are huge business, with the biggest pulling 683 00:36:37,643 --> 00:36:38,843 in millions of listeners. 684 00:36:38,843 --> 00:36:40,283 For balance, come up with a podcast 685 00:36:40,283 --> 00:36:41,883 that absolutely no one would listen to. 686 00:36:41,883 --> 00:36:43,923 - Richardson. - I already have. 687 00:36:43,923 --> 00:36:45,443 It's called Jon Richardson and the Futurenauts 688 00:36:45,443 --> 00:36:47,163 and it's available wherever you get your podcasts. 689 00:36:51,723 --> 00:36:54,123 You have one hour to trim the grass on James's front lawn 690 00:36:54,163 --> 00:36:55,163 without using a lawnmower. 691 00:36:55,203 --> 00:36:56,843 - How do you do it? - Skinner. 692 00:36:56,883 --> 00:36:58,483 - Goat. - Yeah. 693 00:36:59,563 --> 00:37:00,883 Red Bull have been in contact. 694 00:37:00,923 --> 00:37:03,403 A cool $1 million is yours if you can invent the next 695 00:37:03,443 --> 00:37:04,643 big extreme sport. 696 00:37:04,683 --> 00:37:06,203 Jones. 697 00:37:06,203 --> 00:37:14,123 So making an adult version of a baby bouncer. 698 00:37:14,123 --> 00:37:16,403 That is a great idea. 699 00:37:16,403 --> 00:37:21,803 Just on a massive fuck off door. 700 00:37:22,883 --> 00:37:25,683 So bungee jumping, basically. 701 00:37:27,603 --> 00:37:29,643 You must make Colin this year's must-choose baby name. 702 00:37:29,683 --> 00:37:30,883 - How do you do it? - Manito. 703 00:37:30,923 --> 00:37:32,763 Put it on a birthday cake. 704 00:37:35,123 --> 00:37:37,243 You've been tasked with making the world's worst burglar alarm. 705 00:37:37,283 --> 00:37:38,243 What sound does it make? 706 00:37:38,523 --> 00:37:39,923 - Skinner. - Come in. 707 00:37:49,483 --> 00:37:50,563 You're at a bowling alley. 708 00:37:50,563 --> 00:37:52,363 Persuade the cashier to let you keep your normal shoes on. 709 00:37:52,403 --> 00:37:53,483 Manito. 710 00:37:53,483 --> 00:37:55,443 Er, just refuse. 711 00:37:55,483 --> 00:37:56,563 Say, "I will scream. 712 00:37:56,603 --> 00:37:59,603 "I will scream and scream and scream, and then I will burn the bowling 713 00:37:59,643 --> 00:38:01,683 "alley to the ground if you don't let me keep my shoes on." 714 00:38:01,723 --> 00:38:04,123 You've got a lot of issues we could talk about after the show. 715 00:38:04,123 --> 00:38:07,003 You're stood outside your house. The front door is unlocked. 716 00:38:07,043 --> 00:38:08,523 You need to get inside. What do you do? 717 00:38:08,563 --> 00:38:10,003 Jones. 718 00:38:10,163 --> 00:38:11,803 - You go in. - Correct. 719 00:38:11,843 --> 00:38:14,283 There's always an easy one. You're the lucky one today. 720 00:38:14,283 --> 00:38:15,563 Yes! 721 00:38:15,603 --> 00:38:16,843 The Highway Code has been in touch. 722 00:38:16,883 --> 00:38:19,403 As Britain's most responsible driver, they want you to come up 723 00:38:19,443 --> 00:38:21,003 with a new rule for UK motorways. 724 00:38:21,043 --> 00:38:22,363 Skinner. 725 00:38:22,403 --> 00:38:25,043 There has to be a six-inch nail sticking out the middle 726 00:38:25,083 --> 00:38:26,643 of the steering wheel. 727 00:38:28,483 --> 00:38:30,523 You would drive so carefully. 728 00:38:33,323 --> 00:38:34,443 Unarguable. 729 00:38:37,163 --> 00:38:40,123 You must circumnavigate the earth... 730 00:38:40,163 --> 00:38:42,443 That is the end of the round. James, who are you giving the points to? 731 00:38:42,483 --> 00:38:45,163 Um, I think "come in", having a burglar alarm saying "come 732 00:38:45,203 --> 00:38:46,723 in" is very funny. 733 00:38:46,723 --> 00:38:49,083 I'm gonna give it to Frank Skinner. 734 00:38:52,003 --> 00:38:54,483 And after all that, how many points are they getting? 735 00:38:54,523 --> 00:38:57,043 As always in this round, they get one point. 736 00:38:57,083 --> 00:38:59,523 It's time for our final round, the one that decides it all. 737 00:38:59,563 --> 00:39:01,763 We're heading back to the Wall of Celebs to ask the biggest 738 00:39:01,803 --> 00:39:03,203 question in showbiz. 739 00:39:03,243 --> 00:39:05,243 Is James Nesbitt as lovely as he seems? 740 00:39:05,283 --> 00:39:06,203 Not that question. 741 00:39:06,243 --> 00:39:09,243 The question is big hat or small hat? 742 00:39:14,363 --> 00:39:18,563 We asked our six celebs one final, all-important question - big hat 743 00:39:18,603 --> 00:39:19,763 or small hat? 744 00:39:19,763 --> 00:39:20,803 James, the rules. 745 00:39:20,803 --> 00:39:23,163 We told the celebrities you have to wear the hat for the rest 746 00:39:23,203 --> 00:39:26,123 of your life, you can't wear a medium size hat over the small 747 00:39:26,163 --> 00:39:29,483 hat, and these are the hats. 748 00:39:29,523 --> 00:39:32,603 All you have to do is tell us which hat the celebrity chose. 749 00:39:32,643 --> 00:39:35,163 James, before this question, what are the scores? 750 00:39:35,203 --> 00:39:38,763 Dead Horse has six points, whilst Jon and Carer are in the lead 751 00:39:38,803 --> 00:39:40,963 with eight points. 752 00:39:41,003 --> 00:39:43,403 Who is this question for and how many points is it worth? 753 00:39:43,443 --> 00:39:46,123 It's for Dead Horse and it's worth three points. 754 00:39:46,163 --> 00:39:47,283 Oh. 755 00:39:47,323 --> 00:39:49,723 So, Dead Horse, it all comes down to this. 756 00:39:49,763 --> 00:39:53,163 Can we have a dramatic lighting change, please? 757 00:39:53,203 --> 00:39:57,083 OK. To win the game, I'm gonna need you to choose a celebrity. 758 00:39:57,123 --> 00:39:59,883 Let's face it, we've only got Blobby for this episode, 759 00:39:59,923 --> 00:40:02,363 so I'm gonna have to insist you pick Blobby. 760 00:40:02,403 --> 00:40:03,803 OK. 761 00:40:03,843 --> 00:40:06,283 He was "Mr Blobby" at the start of the show. 762 00:40:06,323 --> 00:40:07,723 We've taken him for granted. 763 00:40:07,763 --> 00:40:09,403 Now he's just "Blobby". 764 00:40:11,003 --> 00:40:14,403 Um, would Mr Blobby go big hat, small hat? 765 00:40:14,443 --> 00:40:16,523 - What do you reckon, Esther? - What are you thinking, Esther? 766 00:40:16,563 --> 00:40:21,963 Well, because if it was a normal size head, then the big hat would go 767 00:40:22,003 --> 00:40:27,363 over the head, but for him it's kind of redundant whether it's 768 00:40:27,403 --> 00:40:28,363 big or small. 769 00:40:28,403 --> 00:40:32,643 If he wore the small hat he would look gargantuan. 770 00:40:32,683 --> 00:40:35,443 So if he, you're saying if he wore the big hat it might actually 771 00:40:35,483 --> 00:40:39,243 make him look slimmer, so for fashion-conscious reasons 772 00:40:39,283 --> 00:40:42,203 he's like, "I'll wear this big hat and I'll look more normal sized"? 773 00:40:42,243 --> 00:40:45,803 Yeah, I think the big hat would look more natural. 774 00:40:45,843 --> 00:40:47,243 Natural, on Mr Blobby? 775 00:40:47,283 --> 00:40:51,523 On Mr Blobby, whereas the small hat would make him look ridiculous. 776 00:40:53,523 --> 00:40:55,283 What are you gonna go for? Big hat? 777 00:40:55,323 --> 00:40:56,563 All right. Big hat. 778 00:40:56,603 --> 00:40:57,803 Big. Big. Big. Big. 779 00:40:57,803 --> 00:41:00,923 You're going big hat. To win it, let's see. 780 00:41:02,763 --> 00:41:03,883 Little blob. 781 00:41:03,883 --> 00:41:05,523 He's gone small hat. 782 00:41:07,843 --> 00:41:11,803 I love it so much. I love how he reveals it. 783 00:41:12,963 --> 00:41:14,923 It looks so funny on him. 784 00:41:14,923 --> 00:41:16,643 It's my favourite one ever. 785 00:41:16,643 --> 00:41:18,403 James, what are the final scores? 786 00:41:18,443 --> 00:41:21,283 Well, that means Dead Horse have six points, whilst Jon and Carer 787 00:41:21,323 --> 00:41:23,003 are the winners with eight points. 788 00:41:26,123 --> 00:41:27,563 Congratulations to Jon and Carer. 789 00:41:27,603 --> 00:41:30,763 You've proved your worth in a non-existent hypothetical universe. 790 00:41:30,763 --> 00:41:32,763 You are this week's winners. James, what have they won? 791 00:41:32,803 --> 00:41:35,803 As I said before, the hypothetical prizes are a bum bag full 792 00:41:35,843 --> 00:41:40,163 of teabags, an abnormally long egg, a fist bump from Carol Smillie 793 00:41:40,203 --> 00:41:43,643 and your very own bowl, but those were just hypothetical prizes. 794 00:41:43,683 --> 00:41:47,443 You've actually won a boatful of horny pensioners. Yes, please. 795 00:41:47,443 --> 00:41:51,363 Thanks to our guests, Frank Skinner, Esther Manito, 796 00:41:51,363 --> 00:41:53,803 Rosie Jones and Jon Richardson. 797 00:41:53,803 --> 00:41:57,923 Extra special thanks to my co-host and points enthusiast James Acaster. 798 00:41:57,923 --> 00:41:59,523 Goodnight.