Hello, and welcome to Hypothetical, the show that pits my favourite
comedians against a variety of tricksy hypothetical scenarios.
Let's meet today's guests.
On my right it's Frank Skinner and Esther Manito.
And up against them it's Rosie Jones and Jon Richardson.
And now it's time to introduce my co-host and arbiter
of hypotheticals, a man who has achieved the impossible -
combining head to toe corduroy with having a girlfriend,
it's James Acaster.
You all right?
Good, thank you.
Thank you for letting everyone know I have a girlfriend.
Before we start we need some team names.
Frank and Esther, what have you come up with?
- Um, well, Esther came up with. - Oh.
Oh, OK I'm getting the blame for this.
OK, we came up with Dead Horse.
Dead Horse?
We were in my dressing room and on the telly was a dead donkey.
- For a long time. - Yeah.
I brought some of my videos in from home.
Get you in the headspace.
Yeah, so there was a dead donkey on there, and Esther said,
"Well, let's go for Dead Horse."
I don't know why she avoided the actual donkey.
- Like a flogging a dead horse. - Flogging a dead horse, you know.
Yeah, I didn't mistake the donkey for a horse.
- Oh, you didn't. - Yeah, I'm not, like, that stupid.
Rosie and Jon, what have you got for us?
Well, obviously, one of us needs a lot of help,
so we've gone for Jon and Carer.
- Yeah, very nice. - Very nice.
Jon and Carer.
Happy with that one, Jon?
I mean, Rosie is the first person on TV to admit to caring for me.
Oh. Oh.
And I make a show with my wife.
Right, we've met our teams.
Let's find out what they're playing for, James.
This week's hypothetical prizes are a bum bag full of teabags,
an abnormally long egg, a fist bump from Carol Smillie,
and your very own bowl.
Whoo!
Finally, people react to the prizes.
That is the first time anyone has given a shit about the prizes.
As ever, all our guests' responses
will be completely made up on the spot.
None of them have had so much as a sniff of tonight's script.
Which is lucky, because I spilled my chicken bhuna on it this morning
and it really pongs.
Our first round is What Would You Do?
James, how many points are up for grabs?
I'll be awarding up to five points depending on how they deal
with the scenario, from one, you're feeling all out of sorts,
up to five, you're eating some Liquorice Allsorts.
The first question is a head to head.
The winning team gets the points.
Frank, you'll be representing Dead Horse, and Rosie,
you're playing for Jon and Carer.
Here is your hypothetical.
You have one week to get Mr Blobby into a photo with the President
of the United States of America.
What do you do? James, the rules.
The photo must take place in the Oval Office.
The President must know that Blobby is in the photo.
No photoshopping or photobombing, only photoblobbing.
And just to be clear, Mr Blobby is a real being.
He lives in Crinkley Bottom in Somerset with his best friend
Noel Edmonds.
He's loud, clumsy and a complete liability.
Any feelings towards Mr Blobby, Frank?
So it's not a man, we're not operating as if it's a man
in an outfit, Mr Blobby.
We're operating as if it's a sentient being in its own right.
Has to be...
I don't understand the first part of what you said there at all,
Frank.
OK.
The Mr Blobby.
And likewise with Joe Biden?
You know this would be a much easier task with the previous
president, wouldn't it?
You feel he would have embraced the whole thing.
- If you turned up with Blobby. - Yeah.
He wouldn't really have questioned it.
If you said, "This is the President of Finland,"
Trump would have been absolutely OK with it,
and said, "Hey, let's have a drink and bomb North Korea".
What are you thinking, Rosie?
I think Biden is a lovely man, but he's very old and very gullible.
So if he has no idea about Blobby, we just say,
Oh, it's a new pandemic.
People keep getting yellow spots.
In order to promote awareness of this new pandemic.
Yeah.
You need to talk to Blobby.
So people keep getting yellow spots.
Yeah.
You're 89, or whatever, so you're high-risk.
Yeah.
Could you stand next to someone with the yellow spots?
Yeah.
How are you feeling about that plan, Jon?
Well, I feel like even having this conversation
we risk bringing Blobby back.
- And I think. - Oh, here he comes.
While we're talking about pandemics, Blobby is a virus that we dealt
with at the time.
We all worked very hard to enter a postBlobby world,
and I'm quite happy living in that world.
What if I said to Biden that this was a bloke,
part of the American administrative staff who'd had to dress like that
to get out of Afghanistan quickly.
He now found he couldn't remove it, and he would go to the press
unless he got a selfie with the President.
I think that's a superb...
Of all the outfits, though, to try and escape from somewhere quickly,
that is probably the worst outfit you could choose.
Yeah, but I think you could imagine the Taliban would be wary
of approaching Mr Blobby.
Yeah.
What are you thinking here, James? We've got two good plans.
I think the blackmail, kind of like, proper, like, "This is your fault.
"If you don't do this, I'm gonna take your whole
administration down," I like that.
- Yeah. - I think that would work.
Um, I think there is a bit of a risk of saying,
like, He's severely ill with a brand new virus,
will you have your photo taken next to him?
Yeah, but it's like when people have a photo with terminally ill kids.
It makes them look good.
When I was a little disabled kid,
all the celebrities got their photo with me.
Did they?
Neil Buchanan, Phillipa Forrester, Michael Flatley, all of them.
I actually told her to fuck off.
That was you!
Just having a bad day, Rosie, I'm sorry.
- Well, how about, James... - Yeah.
Do you want to see if Rosie could convince you?
Yeah, cause I'm pretty sure that Frank's, I buy that,
but I need a bit more convincing with Rosie's one.
So, I'm gonna set the Oval Office up, Rosie,
and we'll see if you can convince Biden.
CLIFF!
Bring out the Oval Office right now.
His name is Cliff, he works in props.
He sets them up, and could do better.
Right.
So, who do you want to be, James?
I'm gonna play President Joe Biden.
- OK. - Just get into my costume.
And who do you want? Rosie Jones down there?
Rosie Jones, if you would like to join me in the Oval Office,
and you've got to convince me proper.
- Ready. - Where'd you get that camera from?
I brought it.
Er.
Got to be prepared.
This is the most dignified, like,
I feel like we proper did walk into the Oval Office then, arm in arm.
Right.
First of all, before we get going, I want you to know how strong I am.
You seem very strong.
That's a good point.
You've got my attention now. You've got my attention.
Have you heard of Blobbyitis?
Blobbyitis? No, I'm not familiar with Blobbyitis.
We're trying to, like, tackle a lot of different stuff at the minute.
It's a real problem sweeping through the UK.
Have you heard of Battenberg cake?
Yeah, I am familiar with Battenberg cake, yeah.
I know the pattern of it.
Really tasty.
Oh, delicious.
Do not eat loads of it.
What would happen?
I imagine it would just taste delicious
and everything else would be fine.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, Joey.
Please, call me Bide-a-tron.
Basically, if you eat shitloads of Battenburg
you go to a seven-foot pink monster.
Whoa. What can I do to help?
I'll happily help with this.
I think just having you there to promote it and to say,
"Look, ease off the cake".
Yeah, yeah.
Just a photo of me on my own? I can do that. I can do that now.
Well, could you have it with Blobby?
It's not infectious. It's not.
And before you reply, can I just remind you.
Yeah, no, I don't want anything else in this office getting damaged.
Can you guarantee me this Blobby guy,
everything is gonna stay as it is?
No more damage to my desk?
Blobby will not damage you.
Maybe.
- Send Blobby in. Send him in. - Blobby!
Send in Blobby.
Blobby.
Blobby, put that phone, tell him to put the phone down.
Tell him to put the phone down. This is very important.
Oh, hello, Blobby.
I don't want anything else getting damaged.
- Hello. - Oh, Jesus Christ.
Blobby. What the hell?
Just have a little photo.
I don't dare go anywhere near him.
That's my Newton's cradle.
That was given to me by Newton himself.
Just have a little photo.
- Ready? - Blobby.
Say cheese.
- Blobby. - Yes.
We did it!
Thank you very much, Mr Blobby.
James, your thoughts?
I mean, Frank's very strong idea, Rosie's very strong idea.
Remember, Rosie would probably, you know, have got thrown out
for smashing up the desk before Blobby had got there.
Look, I don't normally agree with violence.
I don't think it's the best way forward, but it worked in that case.
I'm giving Rosie Jones four points.
Four points to Rosie Jones.
Yes!
It's time for James's Wishlist.
Dreams can come true, look at me babe, I'm with you.
It's not just the desk that's cheap.
In this round we're gonna be picking something from James's ever-growing
list of dreams, and our panellists are gonna tell us how they'd
make it happen.
This is a head to head for Jon and Esther.
Best answer gets up to five points.
So tell us, what's on your wish list this week, James?
I'm in the market for a new vehicle.
In fact, I've got my sights set on this.
I want the decommissioned Royal Navy cruiser the HMS Belfast
as my own private transportation.
Are there any rules?
In one week's time, I'll be waiting on Southend pier to take delivery
of my new warship.
If you get so much as a scratch on it I'll be livid.
That's my sweet ride.
James, you do know the HMS Belfast is a museum which is permanently
moored on the Thames?
Josh, I've always dreamt of sailing my own museum
down a river.
That's why I'm banned from the V&A.
Right. Jon, have you been to the HMS Belfast?
No, I haven't.
Are you a museum kind of guy?
You'd think I would be, wouldn't you?
Yeah.
But, turns out, too busy shagging.
By which I mean visiting the carpet museum.
I actually combined those two.
I once had sex under the Cutty Sark.
What?
Honestly, in Greenwich.
In the sea?
No.
How old are you?
No, it was, it's moored in Greenwich.
- Yeah. - You can stand under it.
Esther, are you a museums fan?
No, not massively.
What museums have been to?
The Natural History.
- Yeah. - Quite a long wait, isn't it?
Not a lot of pay-off.
I mean you see the dinosaur and you're kind of like,
that's it, that's the main bit done, and then you've just got a lot
of walking to get to the gift shop,
and in between that you can see a lot of butterflies.
So, any initial thoughts on how you'd get the HMS Belfast, Jon?
My immediate instinct is, how do you, if you are,
you know, a working class person, how do you get a boat?
And the answer is Bullseye.
So somehow we've got to bring Bullseye back,
but with bigger boats.
If we can get some money behind it.
You know, Netflix have got all the money now, haven't they?
We've got to somehow get Netflix into Bullseye.
People go to Netflix for certain kinds of programmes,
which seem to be, like, murders.
Yeah.
So you've got to start by sexing up darts by killing a darts player
in a sort of unsolved way.
I know we've got a seven-day deadline, but if presumably
on Monday you can push a darts player down the stairs.
That was the original start to the Craig David
song, wasn't it?
I think you've got to kill someone on Monday, not get caught
on Tuesday, film a Netflix series about it on Wednesday,
get everybody in the world to watch it on Thursday,
then on Friday you bring Bullseye back.
You are the host of Bullseye.
- You convince Netflix. - Yes.
We've got to ramp it up, so instead of the speedboat,
how about the HMS Belfast as a prize?
You say, "Don't worry, no one's gonna win it.
I'll rig it."
You take the prize. You film that on Saturday.
Sunday, Southend pier, wallop, got yourself a warship.
Yes.
Not a bad idea, not a bad idea.
So what are you, presumably not going along the same lines, Esther?
No, I've taken a different path.
I think we should turn the HMS Belfast into just like one massive
giftshop / cafe.
- Mmm? - Mmm?
- The perfect museum. - The perfect museum.
And then get all the people who would get really excited
by that, so we'll use like an army of school children and old people.
And we'll get them to lasso it, and we'll drag it to the pier
to meet you.
So why are they dragging it?
Because... Well, good question.
- Yeah. - So, well done.
I'm sounding like a bit of a stickler here, but normally
if people get excited about visiting a museum,
they don't get so excited that they drag it to Portsmouth.
Wherever it is.
If you say to the school children you will never have to go
to a museum trip again.
Yeah.
If you drag this, so you've got to get that legislation out
in the national curriculum, and then get the children to drag
the ship, and then the old people can come inside to have tea
with you on a regular basis.
So the old people live on the ship now?
They live with you.
- So I'm sharing this ship with... - Yeah.
- ..loads of pensioners. - Yeah.
You could make it a Duke of Edinburgh award thing
for the young people.
Oh, yeah, the young people love a Duke of Edinburgh award.
Or you could just say it's a broken...
You know when your car breaks down?
You get out, there's always like a couple of blokes who come
over and help you to push it.
Yeah.
You could just stand by the side of HMS Belfast and go,
"Oh, can't get this started.
"Mate, can you give us a...?"
and before you know where you are, you're passing the Thames Barrier.
Drag it away.
As it's being dragged, just reveals Frank shagging underneath.
Shall we see how Esther's pitch would go to HMS Belfast, James?
Yeah, I'd like to see this in action.
James, have you got a set for this?
- Yeah, it's right there. - Oh, yeah, sorry, my mistake.
Right, do you want to play the captain of HMS Belfast?
I'll play the captain.
Yeah, it's a museum, but it still needs a captain, I reckon.
So, like, I'm just gonna be, just kicking around in the poop nest.
The poop nest?
Yeah.
I'm just the captain.
Do you want to see me pop a wheely?
Whoa.
Pretty cool captain.
Can I come in and talk to you?
Yes, please knock on the belt, yes.
I mean, I would, yeah, I'll just walk round it,
cause there's space there.
Um, so I'm not 100% sure that this is the job for you.
You don't seem... No, you shouldn't do that.
It's not really.
I mean I clearly know more about this, and your hat kind
of indicates that maybe you shouldn't be here.
So what I think is, is that you just need to maybe retire.
- Mmm? - And then just give me the ship.
You say you know more about this than I do?
Well, I think it's pretty evident that most people do.
Give me some ship facts, and if you know more about ships
than I do, I'll hand over the ship.
OK.
So that is your boiler steam turner gadget hose.
- Yeah? - Ah, I underestimated you.
Yeah.
And then you've got the door to port starboard.
Wrong. That is my PlayStation room.
Well, I don't know if you know about this comedian
who's called James Acaster.
He really wants to live on the ship,
so it would be a really honourable thing
if you could just give him the ship.
- Question for you. - Yeah.
If I give up this ship...
- Which you will. - ..is it just gonna be...
Is it just gonna be James Acaster on here, or are other people gonna
be living on this ship?
'Cause I'm very particular about who lives on this ship.
Well, James Acaster has an army of elderly ladies.
- Just ladies now? - Just ladies.
He's really into them.
- You're telling me... - Yeah.
..James Acaster the comedian...
- Yeah. - ..loves old women...
- Yeah. - ..in a sexual way?
Well, yes.
And as a result he has populated the HMS Belfast with them
and is sailing the seven seas with them.
Yeah. So, see, you can't really use it,
so it's probably best if I just take it now.
Well, listen, I'll think about it, but as it is, let me know what cabin
Mr Acaster is staying in, and I'll send Mildred and Ethel down.
I like all my passengers to leave satisfied.
But not Mildred and Ethel.
Thank you.
- Well, James. - Yes?
You've got the darts-based Netflix pitch, and you've got,
the pitch based on the fact that you like to have sex with old women.
That took a turn, didn't it?
Look, I'm gonna have to go with Jon, because otherwise I'm...
..I'm saying a lot of things about myself that I'm
not comfortable with.
How many points are you gonna give him, James?
I'm gonna give Jon Richardson four points.
Four points.
Where does this leave the scores?
That means Dead Horse has zero points, while Jon and Carer
are in the lead with eight points.
Yeah!
Next up, it's time for the Great Wall of Celebrities.
There they are, the last six winners of Rear of the Year.
Yet another award I was robbed of.
Thanks a bunch, Blobby.
Teams, you must take it in turns to pick a celeb and guess how
they answered a tricky hypothetical.
Each question is worth one point.
Jon and Rosie, who are you gonna go for?
I think it's a no-brainer.
We've gotta go for our lord and saviour, our hero,
Blobby.
We said to Mr Blobby you have to be turned into an inanimate object.
What do you choose?
"Turned into" is generous for a start, isn't it?
What would you choose?
I'd like to be a bottle opener, because everyone is always really
pleased when they see a bottle opener.
I think that's a very strong answer. Rosie?
Easy. A bra.
Always warm, always near tits.
I am literally the only comedian who could say that and get a clap.
Who do you think Mr, what do you think Mr...
I think the genius of picking Blobby now is I think we're gonna get this,
cause I think he said "Blobby, blobby, blobby".
You're gonna go with blobby, blobby, blobby?
- Yeah, yeah. - OK, let's see.
Blob, blob, blobby, pencil.
It was a pencil.
He has never spoken before.
He's never been asked that question.
Er, who would you like to choose, you two?
- Shall we go for Blobby again? - Yeah, we'll go for Blobby again.
Would you rather, we said to Mr Blobby would you rather be
a dog with the brain of a human, a human with the brain of a dog,
or a dog?
Which do you think the happiest is of those three?
I can't imagine a dog with the brain of a human is that happy.
You'd be really frustrated.
Yeah.
Whereas a human with the brain of a dog, one imagines,
would be blissfully happy.
Um, one meets examples of it all the time.
I think there could be fun with being a dog with the brain
of a human, couldn't there?
And probably a pretty healthy career in military intelligence.
I think he'd probably go for the dog with the brain of a human.
I don't know, I think he'd prefer to be a dog.
He said he wanted to be a pencil earlier.
Yeah, if you remember that earlier question,
where instead of a choice of three we got asked to pick any object
from the history of time.
You run your quiz how you want, lads.
Well, I'm really happy to go with you, Esther,
cause I feel that you are, you don't agree with my choice.
No, I'm happy to go with you.
Dog with the brain of a human, yeah?
- All right, OK. - Let's see.
Blob. Blob. Blob. Blob.
Oh-oh-oh-oh! Blobby.
We've got "dog" written down here.
You can have the point, because I think that's fair enough.
- It could have been any. - Yeah, yeah.
- Right, Jon and Rosie. - Blobby, innit?
Shall we go for your girlfriend?
I think they've already done Mr Blobby, haven't they?
Well, I think the mind I would most, the mind I've spent the most time
with up there is that of Susie Dent.
- Yeah. - OK.
We said to Susie Dent the horn on your car is going to be replaced.
What new noise do you want it to make?
From all the noises in the history of time.
Do you know what?
There's no options and I'm really pleased about it, Jon.
You know what?
She likes a word, doesn't she?
Yeah.
Maybe just a different swear word every time.
Like "fuck!"
"Sheet!"
"Twat!"
Jon, what are you thinking?
It would be nice to have a tut, wouldn't it?
There's no more annoying, cause the real horn is to piss off
the other person, isn't it?
And there is no more annoying noise than.
The horn is too aggressive, but I think Susie would be like me,
and if she uses the horn she would instantly regret it
and shit herself, so she'd want it to say "sorry" immediately.
Is there a way to swear as an apology?
- I'm fucking sorry. - I'm fucking sorry.
OK, we're gonna go with "I'm fucking sorry".
Can I say, if I was her, I would have...
(hums Countdown timer music)
If she says that you can have a bonus point.
Thanks.
"I'm fucking sorry." Let's see if she goes with it.
Well, there's only one answer to this.
It's got to be... (hums Countdown timer music)
You've got to be gutted about that.
Well, do you know?
It occurred to me, and then I know from being on the show that it costs
money to even hum that much of it, so I thought I've seen your props,
they ain't paying that guy.
And that is the end of the round.
But of course, we'll see the celebrities again at the end
of the show for Big Hat Small Hat.
It's time for our next round, which is Not For a Million Quid.
In this round we want to know how much you'd need to be paid to live
through a hypothetical situation.
The lowest bidder has to tell us how they'd do it.
There's three points on offer if we think you'd pull it off,
and if I don't believe your bid is genuine I'll disqualify you.
The question is how much to live as a one-man band for a year?
A one-man band. James, the rules.
Whenever you're awake you must be making noise with the kit.
You can take it off at night to sleep
but you must put it on again if you get up to go to the loo.
You can't tamper with the kit in any way,
unless tampering somehow makes it louder.
OK. And what's the one-man band look like, James?
Oh, it looks like this. Put it on the screen there.
- There I am. - That is the one-man band.
Any questions about how this would affect your life?
So you can take it off when you're sleeping?
- Yeah. - Yeah.
What about showering?
- Have it on. - What about shagging?
- Have it on. - Have it on.
Have it on when you're having it off.
Easier for the security guard at the Cutty Sark,
I imagine.
Any other questions?
Everyone is happy with their bids.
Right. Jon, how much to do it for a year?
(hums Countdown timer music)
£12,000.
£12,000, what I got paid to be a sales rep.
Just to be clear, you worked in sales?
Yeah. 'Cause of my charm.
Rosie, how much?
I am absolutely not doing this.
- £100 million. - £100 million.
Esther?
Um, I wrote 500 per week, so that works out as 24 grand a year.
24 grand.
I don't know why I thought 500 per week, but I thought that's quite a solid salary, isn't it?
Yeah, that's good. Yeah, yeah.
Frank?
I went two quid.
Um, I'm guessing that's an average salary.
No, I obsessively sing all the time.
I've had to fight it when I'm on air, and I honestly think I'd
find it very enriching.
I'd be sitting here, well, I'd have to stand.
James, does his enthusiasm make you think he could do it?
It does, actually.
It's quite nice to hear, this would be like a whole new thing
- for Frank, a new venture. - Yeah.
I'd like to see it in action, of course.
I'm not gonna just take his word for it.
- But it's looking good. - Yeah.
Well, shall we see it in action?
Yeah, let's get a set out here and see how you'd do, Frank.
CLIFF!
Cliff, get a library out here right now.
His name is Cliff, he works in props.
He sets them up, and could do better.
Do you want to go down and, do you want to be a librarian?
Yeah, I'd love to be a librarian. Got a librarian.
The role you were born to play.
I've got to be careful, cause these type of glasses turn me on.
James is wearing his ex-lover's glasses.
Cause only an old square would wear a glasses chain,
wouldn't they, James?
Yeah, only an old, pathetic square.
OK. Well, if your customer would like to come in.
Very nice tune.
It's getting further away from me.
How may I help you?
Um, I'd like, a book.
Got any?
I've got quite a few books.
We just got a new shipment in today. Some great ones.
I'm looking for sheet music.
Oh, yeah, we've got a lot of sheet music.
What songs do you want to learn?
Well, would you like to join in me in a duet?
Because I don't get much librarian action.
Absolutely. You don't have to ask me twice.
No, I wasn't planning on.
Books, books, books, library books, open up and give 'em a look.
Have a read, lots of words, some of them, are absurd,
like turds, that's a silly word.
Means shit, don't forget about it.
I've got a desk, it's made of wood, not like the one in the Oval Office,
that's no good.
- Wow. - You know what?
This is the most fun I've ever had in a library.
Me too, although I would advise anyone who's going to improvise
a song, don't do one with a rhyme structure that
repeats so frequently.
Me and you could write the next England football team song.
You can get rid of those other guys,
and me and you could write the next one.
- Can you sing? - Yeah, yeah.
You're in.
Kick the ball, kick the ball, kick the fucking ball.
Kick the ball in the fucking goal.
We're gonna win the World Cup and everybody else is gonna
cry like little babies.
You're a bunch of little babies, best country in the world.
Fuck you.
- James? - Yeah?
I mean normally we'd say do you think he could do it.
I think he, I wouldn't be surprised if he does do it.
I think Frank has spread happiness to this librarian,
he's spread happiness throughout this whole studio,
and there's no way he couldn't do this.
I'm giving Frank the full three points.
Three points.
This is, can I say, this is gonna be my main problem.
In this round we're going to deliver a series of rapid fire
hypotheticals, which we want our panellists to solve
as quickly as possible.
Josh will read out the hypothetical and then I will say the name
of the person that I would like to answer it.
But if we think the answer is stupid we will hit our buttons to stop
the clock and ask what the hell you're on about.
Best player wins the round.
OK.
Lighting change.
You must come up with a new greeting to replace the traditional "hello".
Jones.
Hello, there.
So to replace "hello" we're going "hello there".
I'm gonna say it. Shittest start we've ever had.
Mine would be "I'm absolutely fine if you want to pretend you haven't
seen me and we'll both just carry on what we were doing".
You've been placed in a time machine that sends you back to the very
recent past - one hour ago, to be exact.
- What are you going to do differently? = Manito.
Probably where we had a little chat and sorted out our team name.
- I'd do that differently. - You'd do that differently?
- Yeah. - You wouldn't go Dead Horse.
No. Dead Donkey.
Wrapping paper is bad for the environment.
Come up with a new method of disguising birthday presents.
Skinner.
- Custard. - Yeah.
You're in charge of marketing a new horror film about an evil pet
called The Hamstering.
It needs a tagline.
Jones.
Um, wheely, wheely fun.
- Yeah. - Very good.
Podcasts are huge business, with the biggest pulling
in millions of listeners.
For balance, come up with a podcast
that absolutely no one would listen to.
- Richardson. - I already have.
It's called Jon Richardson and the Futurenauts
and it's available wherever you get your podcasts.
You have one hour to trim the grass on James's front lawn
without using a lawnmower.
- How do you do it? - Skinner.
- Goat. - Yeah.
Red Bull have been in contact.
A cool $1 million is yours if you can invent the next
big extreme sport.
Jones.
So making an adult version of a baby bouncer.
That is a great idea.
Just on a massive fuck off door.
So bungee jumping, basically.
You must make Colin this year's must-choose baby name.
- How do you do it? - Manito.
Put it on a birthday cake.
You've been tasked with making the world's worst burglar alarm.
What sound does it make?
- Skinner. - Come in.
You're at a bowling alley.
Persuade the cashier to let you keep your normal shoes on.
Manito.
Er, just refuse.
Say, "I will scream.
"I will scream and scream and scream, and then I will burn the bowling
"alley to the ground if you don't let me keep my shoes on."
You've got a lot of issues we could talk about after the show.
You're stood outside your house. The front door is unlocked.
You need to get inside. What do you do?
Jones.
- You go in. - Correct.
There's always an easy one. You're the lucky one today.
Yes!
The Highway Code has been in touch.
As Britain's most responsible driver, they want you to come up
with a new rule for UK motorways.
Skinner.
There has to be a six-inch nail sticking out the middle
of the steering wheel.
You would drive so carefully.
Unarguable.
You must circumnavigate the earth...
That is the end of the round. James, who are you giving the points to?
Um, I think "come in", having a burglar alarm saying "come
in" is very funny.
I'm gonna give it to Frank Skinner.
And after all that, how many points are they getting?
As always in this round, they get one point.
It's time for our final round, the one that decides it all.
We're heading back to the Wall of Celebs to ask the biggest
question in showbiz.
Is James Nesbitt as lovely as he seems?
Not that question.
The question is big hat or small hat?
We asked our six celebs one final, all-important question - big hat
or small hat?
James, the rules.
We told the celebrities you have to wear the hat for the rest
of your life, you can't wear a medium size hat over the small
hat, and these are the hats.
All you have to do is tell us which hat the celebrity chose.
James, before this question, what are the scores?
Dead Horse has six points, whilst Jon and Carer are in the lead
with eight points.
Who is this question for and how many points is it worth?
It's for Dead Horse and it's worth three points.
Oh.
So, Dead Horse, it all comes down to this.
Can we have a dramatic lighting change, please?
OK. To win the game, I'm gonna need you to choose a celebrity.
Let's face it, we've only got Blobby for this episode,
so I'm gonna have to insist you pick Blobby.
OK.
He was "Mr Blobby" at the start of the show.
We've taken him for granted.
Now he's just "Blobby".
Um, would Mr Blobby go big hat, small hat?
- What do you reckon, Esther? - What are you thinking, Esther?
Well, because if it was a normal size head, then the big hat would go
over the head, but for him it's kind of redundant whether it's
big or small.
If he wore the small hat he would look gargantuan.
So if he, you're saying if he wore the big hat it might actually
make him look slimmer, so for fashion-conscious reasons
he's like, "I'll wear this big hat and I'll look more normal sized"?
Yeah, I think the big hat would look more natural.
Natural, on Mr Blobby?
On Mr Blobby, whereas the small hat would make him look ridiculous.
What are you gonna go for? Big hat?
All right. Big hat.
Big. Big. Big. Big.
You're going big hat. To win it, let's see.
Little blob.
He's gone small hat.
I love it so much. I love how he reveals it.
It looks so funny on him.
It's my favourite one ever.
James, what are the final scores?
Well, that means Dead Horse have six points, whilst Jon and Carer
are the winners with eight points.
Congratulations to Jon and Carer.
You've proved your worth in a non-existent hypothetical universe.
You are this week's winners. James, what have they won?
As I said before, the hypothetical prizes are a bum bag full
of teabags, an abnormally long egg, a fist bump from Carol Smillie
and your very own bowl, but those were just hypothetical prizes.
You've actually won a boatful of horny pensioners. Yes, please.
Thanks to our guests, Frank Skinner, Esther Manito,
Rosie Jones and Jon Richardson.
Extra special thanks to my co-host and points enthusiast James Acaster.
Goodnight.