Hello, and welcome to Hypothetical, the show that pits my favourite
comedians against a variety of tricksy hypothetical scenarios.
Let's meet today's guests.
On my right it's Judi Love and Amy Gledhill.
And up against them it's Liza Tarbuck and Josh Pugh.
But now it's time to introduce my co-host and arbiter
of hypotheticals, a man who's managed to make a career out
of asking people what they want to eat for tea.
Please welcome the dinner lady of comedy, it's James Acaster.
Good evening, James.
Hello.
- How are you? - Good, thank you, yeah.
Had a laugh with that backstage just then,
but, actually, I shouldn't say what we were doing with it.
Now, before we start, we need some team names.
Judi and Amy, what have you come up with?
We have come up with Sexy Waltzers.
Because Judi obviously did her dancing.
Waltzers. Oh, yeah, Waltzers.
And was a waltzer, and I like to get drunk at fairgrounds.
So.
- That's good, I like that. - Yeah.
Liza and Josh, what have you gone for?
We're Team Gasoline.
- Gasoline. - Yeah.
It's young, it's fresh, it's current.
Yeah.
Team Gasoline.
Wow, that is cool.
Ooh. That was hot.
We've met our teams, let's find out what they're
playing for, James.
This week's hypothetical prizes are three restaurant-quality
lasagnes, some trapped wind, 56 bald cats and a mini fridge
containing a second even smaller mini fridge.
As ever, all our guests' responses will be completely made up
on the spot.
None of them have seen today's hypotheticals before the show.
They'll just be winging it, making everything up
as they go along.
And if that sounds scary, remember, it's how we all live our lives every
single day anyway.
Our first round is What Would You Do?
James, how many points are up for grabs?
I'll be awarding up to five points depending on how they deal
with the scenario, from one, you're out in the cold,
up to five, you're wearing long johns in a sauna.
The first question is a head to head.
Winning team gets the points.
Judi, you'll be representing the Sexy Waltzers, and Josh,
you'll be playing for Team Gasoline.
Here is the hypothetical.
The seven wealthiest people in the world are Ronald McDonald,
Colonel Sanders and the five guys from Five Guys.
It's time to get in on the action.
You must create the next huge fast food chain,
one that will get the world drooling.
James, the rules.
Your chain must have its own distinct cuisine,
a beloved mascot, an instantly recognisable brand, and only one
chain can win.
The loser will become store manager for the winner's many outlets.
A decent enough job, sure, but a daily reminder
of what could have been.
I mean that's a lot of information.
Yeah, you're not on Loose Women now, mate.
I can tell. I can tell, I can tell.
Are you a fan of fast food chains?
Ha. Hello?
What's your favoured fast food?
I do like a fried chicken, but I can make a perfect fried
chicken, I must say.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
- What's your secret? - I let my ancestors guide me.
You know, black people, we don't, listen, we do not weigh,
or, you know, put into a little measuring cup how much seasoning.
We just dash everything in, dash it in, dash it in.
It looks like it's dancing, we're dancing, we're vibing,
it's cooked, it's as dark as me and I'm like, Let's go. Yeah.
So do you think that could be something you could play on?
Could the whole restaurant be based around dashing it in?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Good, cause that sounds like fast food as well.
'Dash it in' is quite a good slogan for a fast food restaurant.
I think so.
It is, because you would dash in and get, and dash out.
Yeah, I like this.
I mean that's.
You're a foodie as well, James, actually.
I'm a foodie, yeah. Hey, I make sure all my food is as dark as me.
I've had salmonella six times this week.
Well, look, with 'dash it in', right.
Yeah. Yeah.
It's about you having the experience of, like,
quickly going in, ordering chillies, this, this,
this, they give it to you in these little slots and you just dash it
in, or you can have the premium one where we dash it all in for you.
And you put the main in a box and it's got a little 'dash it in'
face on it, and then you can pick what face,
because if it's 'dash it in' and you dash in everything,
you could pick like your ex and put his face on it,
cause there's an app.
There's gonna be an app, right? I'm going really far with this.
And as you go to the drive-in you can just upload your person,
who you want to be on your box, so it identifies that's your box,
so when you come, you get your box with your ex's face on it,
and then you're dashing your food in it.
Do you get what I mean? Get out all your frustration.
- You have people's faces on there. - Yeah.
So that you know it's yours as it's coming through,
- and I like that. - Yeah.
Does it have to be someone who's pissing you off?
Can it not be someone who you like, so it comes through and you feel happy?
Or is this a place for angry people?
It can. It could be someone you wanna look at and eat out, that's fine.
You just dash it in.
There it is, my favourite face in comedy, Judi Love pretending
to be innocent after she's said something really dirty.
Always makes me happy. "What?".
Josh, are you a fast food fan?
No, but I have got an idea, which is helpful, innit?
Yeah.
- Oh, you've got an idea? - Yeah.
Wanna share it now, or?
Yeah.
It's, Tracy's Dinners.
- Who's Tracy? - Tracy, yeah.
Yeah. She's a dinner lady.
Yeah.
And the whole thing, it's based around school dinners.
- Oh, that's nice. - Oh, wow.
We're only open 12 00 'til 1 00.
- Yeah. - It is an issue.
It's just school dinners.
You get in, you have a tray at the door, slop.
Oh, that's really nostalgic, and, like, you've got a tray,
and there's custard, and there's like, the other things.
Yeah.
No backchat. Tracy wouldn't have any of that, I tell you that now.
You'd be on report straightaway.
Yeah.
- She might have her favourites. - Yeah.
Yeah.
My brother was the dinner lady's favourite.
Was he?
He got extra toast.
Extra toast.
How many slices are we talking here?
Well, per charm.
Oh, OK, yeah.
Actually, what is it? Do you know what?
My mind just then went, what collective of birds
is called a charm?
I don't know.
Isn't it a charm of, a charm of finches?
- Yeah. - If you say so.
I've been told goldfinches in my ear.
We've just been told goldfinches, Liza.
Well, actually, maybe they should be on the menu.
Yeah.
- It would be charming. - Yeah.
- It could be a special. - Yeah.
- Thanks, Josh. - It could be a special, yeah.
Like every good school, the special today is goldfinch.
Er, if you don't win this, you're the worst player we've ever
had on the show, because that is awful.
Amy, what are you thinking of this idea?
I think school dinners, as an asthmatic ginger kid,
would give me PTSD, so I don't think you're gonna get many bullied people
coming to Josh's.
Oh, yeah.
No snowflakes, that's one of the rules.
Yeah, you know where they can go.
Wimpy.
- Right. James? - Yeah?
How would you like to test them?
I think the only way to really know, cause,
you know, we're not experts in fast food, you and I,
Josh, but I know who is.
- It's obviously the Burger Prince. - The Burger Prince.
Er, he's obviously related to the Burger King.
Next in line to the throne, so I think it's best
that we get our contestants to pitch it to the Burger Prince himself.
James, have we got any props?
Yeah, they're right there.
What do you want here, then, James?
Er, the Burger Prince I think would like to hear a pitch
from Josh Pugh, and then I would like to see an advert
from Judi Love, in that order.
Oh.
So, I'll take the pitch from Josh first, and you can sit
there frantically thinking about what your advert is gonna be.
Er, good afternoon, your highness.
Firstly, thanks for seeing me.
No worries. Any friend of Tarbuck's is a friend of mine.
So, you know, you're busy in the kingdom of burgers.
Oh, yeah.
So what's perfect for you, Prince, is.
Oh, a drawing. I love drawings.
That's a plate.
I've not seen a plate in a while.
Ah, washing machine.
Ah, it's an aerial view of a burger.
It's a tray, with a plate in the middle.
Ah.
I'm here today from Tracy's School Lunches,
and we're here today with a very, very exciting opportunity.
It's 12 o'clock, you've had a busy morning, you're very peckish.
Yeah.
But you want something quick.
You can't be faffing about, you know, potentially
dashing your own food in, just for example,
dashing your own food.
Let me tell you this right now.
Four series we've had of this show. No one's ever got booed before.
Do you like birds?
Do I like birds?
Do you like finches?
So far you have drawn an empty plate, some cutlery and a tray.
Yeah.
And you've attempted to take down a rival,
who I haven't even met yet, I'm not even aware of,
and now you appear to be riffing
on whether I'm gonna eat a goldfinch.
So, we're looking for 60%,
for £250,000.
Well, thank you for coming in.
- Thank you. - Thank you. Wow.
James, should Judi be confident at this point?
I think Judi should be very confident at this point.
I'm just gonna turn the TV on and see if there's any adverts
on, I guess.
I love watching the adverts, apparently.
Ah, what's this?
Have you ever felt like time has gone in a flash?
Then maybe you should dash and smash.
Whoa.
Do you want fast food that is a representation
of your individuality?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Then drive in to Dash and Smash.
Maybe you've had a fed up time with your manager
and you want their face printed on your beautiful,
personalised packaging, and you want a nice fry-up
on your UK box and you just dash in a bit of egg,
dash in a bit of bacon, dash in a bit of... bacon.
Oh, double bacon. Yes.
Dash in a bit of toast.
Whatever you need, you come to mama and I'll dash,
and hopefully later on you'll smash.
Whoa.
Normally the audience would be on tenterhooks to see who's won,
but obviously the winner is Judi Love and she gets five points.
Five points.
Dreams can come true, look at me, babe, I'm with you.
Would you play that on Radio 2?
Yeah, damn right I would.
Your Radio 2 show - incredible.
Thank you.
I listened to it once, and the phone-in was 'I've got 'AV'
in the top corner of my screen and I don't know how to get it off.
Can someone help me?'?
Yeah, yeah.
Although some glorious person rang in and helped me.
Ah.
It was driving me mad on a big screen.
It kept drawing my eye, and I'm easily distracted.
Today's phone-in what flock of birds is referred to as a charm?
In this round we're gonna be picking something from James's ever-growing
list of wishes, and our panellists are gonna tell us how they'd
make it happen.
This is a head to head for Liza and Amy.
Best answer gets up to five points.
So tell us, what's on your wish list this week, James?
Like all right-thinking people, I'm a massive fan
of Ant and Dec.
TV royalty.
God save the kings.
So, I want you to help me achieve my dream of forming
a triple act.
Ant and Dec and James.
Wow.
And what are the rules?
I must join them in hosting one of their highly
successful TV vehicles.
We're talking Britain's Got Talent, I'm a Celeb, or a brand-new show
tailormade for the three of us.
And you'll know that we've made it when we get to the stage
where people are asking, 'Is that one Ant or Dec or James?'?
Amy, are you a fan of Ant and Dec?
Oh, big time.
I think they're the first people I've ever lusted over.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
Them posters in the rooms got quite a few kisses from me.
That's the weirdest thing I've ever said.
That was post PJ and Duncan, presumably.
Well, it was when they were changing.
It's when they had, their own albums coming out.
Yeah.
Which I love.
And part of the way I would get you involved is cause
I still remember some of their lyrics to some of their,
sort of, B, C, D, E sides,
and I reckon I could give you some insider tips.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
And some dance moves.
I think if you just started doing them, they'd be like,
'He must have already been in PJ and Duncan to know them.'
Oh, yeah, I like that.
- Yeah? - Yeah, yeah.
Liza?
I think we're gonna have to go for the packed lunch thing, aren't we?
The packed lunch?
Is that what it's called? Ant and Dec's Packed Lunch.
No, that was. I see what's happened here. I see what's happened.
There was a lot of talk about school dinners earlier.
Yeah, yeah.
And now you're remembering.
And now it's moved into my mind, yes.
- Saturday Night Takeaway. - Saturday Night Takeaway.
Saturday Night Takeaway, there you go, you see.
It all makes sense.
So would you fancy that as an idea, or would you like it to be,
sort of, somewhere entirely different, something fresh?
Well, you got me excited about Ant and Dec's Packed Lunch now.
Yeah.
Maybe a spiritual show with you, Ant and Dec,
about, about near-death experiences.
Yeah?
And moving everybody forward into a higher
state of understanding.
Sure.
What role do you want James to play on the spiritual afterlife show?
The spirit.
Some sort of, some sort of wizard, definitely.
- So it's an afterlife show. - Yeah.
And I play a wizard.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
I'm gonna say it. I've never looked forward to a play-out more than this.
Oh, God.
By the sound of things, I'm gonna be playing a wizard
telling recently bereaved people that their loved ones
are in a better place.
Amy, have you got a way of contacting Ant and Dec?
No, but I reckon.
How about a spiritual wizard?
Babes, I'm your contact, babes.
I'm your contact.
Have you got their numbers in your phone?
No, but trust me, I can find it.
Yeah? All right, all right. OK.
So, say you were phoning up Ant and Dec initially.
Yeah.
Shall we play that out, James?
Sure. Yeah, do you want me to be Ant or Dec?
Ant?
- Ant McPartlin. - Yes, please.
OK, it's a two-parter for the Ant costume.
Ooh.
Oh, God almighty.
OK, do you want to give Ant a call?
Ant, not Dec.
Love, I'm gonna have to phone you back.
It's finally happened.
Are you still there, Ant? Are you still there?
Yeah, I just, oh, God.
Also, during all this confusion, I've managed to get another prop,
which was a sticky moustache, stuck to my fingers.
Ant, you don't know me,
but you know my friend Judi, probably.
You know Judi Love?
Oh, do I know Judi Love, yeah.
Um, oh, and my name's Amy. I'm real big fan.
Er, not Amy Gledhill, is it?
Er, hmm, what's the problem with that?
We received a lot of pretty soggy posters from you in the '90s,
that had been kissed within an inch of their lives.
OK.
Well, James has been saying that he wants to be part of you and Dec.
- James who? - James Acaster.
- Oh, big fan. - Big fan, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Um, well, I think it's time to do a, not a reunion,
cause you and Dec are still together, but.
Sadly.
I fucking hate him, Amy.
I reckon, if you get James in, you can slowly get Dec out.
Oh.
He's dead weight to you, Ant. You're the one.
Yeah.
You're the one with the big forehead.
- Yeah. - What's he bringing to it?
Yeah. Finally, someone gets me.
Well, I reckon you get James in, you teach him a few moves.
Yes.
Slowly you phase Dec out, and also, I shouldn't really tell you this,
but James doesn't like his co-host, Josh.
- Hello? - Oh, hello.
Hi, Josh. Er, just trying to order Dash and Smash but it's not
gone through properly.
Just keeping you on your toes.
Speaking of Dash and Smash, I've got to go and get a takeaway,
and no prizes for guessing whose face I'm gonna have on the box.
Fucking Dec.
Er, I'll get back to you. I like the sound of this.
Thank you very much for calling.
All right, thank you. I'll get my hair back. Thank you. Bye.
Wow. What a dream.
Good. Impressed?
Impressed by my own incompetence, yes.
Do you want to test Liza's idea?
Yeah, I would like to test.
Yeah, somebody needs to.
Yeah, I'd like to test Liza's idea.
Really bracing myself for this phone call.
It's great news straightaway, because I don't want
to speak to Ant.
Hi, Declan D, please.
OK, I'll just get Dec.
Sorry.
Dec speaking.
Hi, Dec. Liza Tarbuck here.
I've got an idea for a programme
that I think you're gonna go nuts for.
It's dealing with the bigger picture of
what happens to you once we leave our meat suits
on this planet and go somewhere else.
That is the most poetic way I've ever heard it phrased.
Now, I don't know about you, but I'm partial to a log
cabin somewhere beautiful.
Yeah.
Cause I need to introduce somebody else to your team.
You may know him. James Acaster.
Not a fan.
I like Josh Widdicombe, personally, but I'm open-minded.
Let me hear what happens at this log cabin.
Well, we'll all get up there and we'll just have a few
moments where, we'll start going through what we think,
and introducing, new thoughts, perhaps, taking ourselves a little
bit higher, deeper, into places that we've never
thought of before.
OK. I'm gonna stop you there.
Yeah.
I've been in showbiz for decades now.
I know an orgy when I hear one.
I like the way your mind is moving,
but sadly I don't know where you'd come up to.
Probably about there, and that's not, that really isn't my bag.
Well, listen, I hate to have to pitch myself for an orgy I didn't
want to go to in the first place, but usually Ant and I stand on each
other's shoulders, and we get in that way, and we haven't had any
complaints so far.
See you in the cabin, I guess.
- Ciao. - Bye.
Easy decision?
Yeah, Amy gets the full five points.
Yay.
Sorry, Josh.
No.
Next up, it's time for the Great Wall of Celebrities.
Those are the last six people I matched with on Kinder.
Do you mean Tinder?
No, I mean Kinder.
It's a dating app for people who love chocolate eggs.
When you turn up you don't know who it's gonna be.
It's a surprise.
Teams, you must take it in turns to pick a celeb and guess how
they answered a tricky hypothetical.
Each question is worth one juicy point.
Judi and Amy, who are you gonna pick?
Shall we pick Bell?
- Angellica Bell? - Yeah.
Yeah.
We said to Angellica Bell for the rest of your life you can
only use items beginning with one letter.
Which letter did she choose?
What do you think, to get a variety?
B.
A, B, C.
Here we go.
The thought process out loud, let's hear it.
It's either A, C or R or S or T.
Or E.
D is quite a rounded word though.
D. Oh, my God, D.
D.
D, D.
D, D, D.
What am I thinking about?
Let's see if Angellica Bell went with D.
So my letter would be B, of course.
OK?
Broom, keep things tidy.
Brush, toothbrush.
And a bed.
Hey. Beat that, then.
She went with B.
See, the mistake we made with Angellica is that she's quite.
- Practical. - Practical.
Practical.
Where, yeah, we, yeah, we showed our true light.
No points.
Josh and Liza, who are you going for?
We'll go for Kadeena.
Kadeena Cox.
You've just appeared on I'm a Celebrity.
For the rest of your life you have to endure one of these I'm
a Celeb traditions.
Which do you choose?
Cook every meal over a campfire,
make all of your calls from a phone box in a castle,
once a day someone pours a bucket of cockroaches over your head.
If it was me, Liza, I'd go.
First thing in the morning. Get it done, live your life.
What would you do?
See, making calls from a phone box in a castle, that's never gonna
happen, is it?
How often are you calling a day?
Never. I don't ring anyone and nobody rings me.
I've turned the tide, James.
That's a first as well. No one's ever got that.
Yeah.
It's a rollercoaster, yeah.
No one's ever got the sympathetic sigh.
Liza, what are you going for?
I think she's gonna cook every meal over a campfire,
and she's just gonna have to travel round with one of them,
you know, street food little vans.
Easy.
I'm happy to go with Liza.
It's the right answer.
This is the new loveable me, do you know what I mean?
Yeah.
This is the new, open, loveable me.
So, yeah, whatever my.
OK, you're campfire.
Yeah.
Let's see.
Make all my phone calls from a telephone box in a castle.
You fucking idiot.
Under Josh's breath he just called me a fucking idiot.
I think he's right.
I think that's really just fantastic.
Thank you, sir, I'll take that.
No points, and that's the end of that round.
But of course we'll see the celebrities again at the end
of the show for Big Hat Small Hat.
It's time for our next round, which is Not For a Million Quid.
What would you do with a million quid, James?
- Er, I wouldn't let it change me. - Oh.
Put it that way. I'd keep on driving that bus.
You don't drive a bus.
Oh, yeah, sorry, I would let it change me.
In this round we want to know how much you'd need to be paid to live
through a hypothetical situation.
The lowest bidder has to tell us how they'd do it.
There's three points on offer if we think you could pull it off,
and if I don't believe your bid is genuine, I'll disqualify you.
The question is how much to be constantly either putting
on or taking off clothes for a year?
James, the rules.
We're talking proper clothes.
No messing about with gloves or scarves.
You don't need to go down to your peanut hammocks,
you just need to be always removing or putting on an item of clothing,
and you can't just keep putting on and taking off the same
item of clothing.
In public?
In public, in private, in conversation.
Constantly.
Any questions on this side about it?
No, not really.
I don't expect much from this round, to be honest with you.
How are you feeling, Josh? Josh Pugh?
- Stressed at the thought of this. - Yeah.
And would you be confident you could do it, were the money on the table?
I wouldn't agree to it, Josh, unless I thought I could do it.
Yeah.
I wouldn't waste your time and I wouldn't waste my time.
Have we all got a figure?
Yeah.
Right, Judi first.
I said 25,000.
That's, that's not much.
I mean 25,000 a year, that's like two grand a month.
- Uh-huh. - Yeah.
For sitting down in your own warm house, taking off your socks,
putting it back on, taking off your knickers, putting it back on.
Might be the only chance of being able to do that.
Putting on and taking off your bra.
I mean, depending on how big your chest is, it might take
you a few minutes to take off your bra.
- Uh-huh. - You know what I mean?
You could be living quite a nice life.
Do you know what? It's a very good argument.
Sorry, I'm aroused.
That's very unprofessional. Never happened to me before on this show.
I. I apologise.
Right, we'll move on. Amy?
Oh, I've gone 455,000.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
- Cause it's gonna be so annoying. - Yeah, it is.
And you're not gonna get much done.
But if I'm driving I've got quite good at taking my bra off,
like on the motorway, to get comfy, you know, for the drive.
- I knew we'd get on. - Do you do that?
I knew we'd get on.
- I knew it. - Get it off.
It's the worst when the back gets catch and the breast is halfway
hanging out, and you start driving like this.
Can I just ask, James, still aroused?
Don't worry, back to normal now.
Josh, what have you gone for?
Yeah, similar to Amy, and for similar reasons.
Um, 500.
500.
Am I just cheap?
Judi, I'm gonna level with you. That is mad.
- Liza? - I've completely.
- 150 million. - Yeah.
'Cause I'd just be driven insane by it.
Yeah. Yeah, I think that's a realistic.
Yeah, yeah, that's what we were expecting.
Realistic, Judi.
Um, and, your bids weren't outside the realms of possibility.
Never in a million years did I think anyone was gonna say,
"What's the minimum wage? I'll do it for that."
I think I meant to put an extra zero on there.
- Yeah, well. - It's still the lowest.
25 grand might not sound a lot to you rich guys, right?
And it depends on what your sleeping patterns are like.
Out of 24 hours, I might sleep 23 hours.
Do you understand what I'm saying? And I'm up for an hour.
Yeah.
Do you know what? I'd get people involved and make it
a community thing.
We'd get together.
You know what? I'm gonna join in, and I'm gonna donate,
and then it's gonna be on Loose Women.
Do you understand what I'm saying?
And then everyone, you lot would do it, wouldn't you? Yeah.
How long is an episode of Loose Women?
It's an hour.
- So that's your hour. - That's my hour, yeah.
- So you're sleeping. - Yeah.
- In the studio, I'm guessing. - Yes.
Wake up, straight onto set, clothes on and off, audience doing
it as well, straight off, in the bed again.
Well, let's see if Judi in a situation can kind of.
- Oh. - Yeah.
Now, here's the thing.
Shall we bring out the clothes?
Yeah, let's bring out the clothes for Judi Love.
But I have my own clothes on.
We are not gonna make you take those off.
Cliff.
Cliff, bring a bag of clothes out for Judi Love.
# His name is Cliff, he works in props.
# He sets them up, and could do better. #
So I've just got to take it off and put it back on again?
Yeah, while we're on Loose Women, and I'll be.
I'll be... I'll be the host. Kay is the host.
I'll be Carol.
OK, and Josh?
- I'll be Stacey Solomon. - You be Stacey Solomon.
- OK. - I could be Janet Street-Porter.
OK.
Well, I'll be Katie Price, then.
Yeah.
Hello, welcome to Loose Women with me, Kay Adams, Carol McGiffin .
I say what I like.
Katie Price.
Hiya.
- Stacey Solomon. - Hiya.
And Janet Street-Porter.
All right?
And of course Judi Love
And what are you doing, Judi?
So, yeah, we're doing this campaign where you,
you know, put stuff on and you take it off,
and, you know, it's really therapeutic.
Um, in fact, actually, I started doing this
with my teenager because I thought she was so addicted to her phone.
And it's really important.
Just the hat and the sock.
Have you just got two items that you do, Judi?
Oh, yeah, no, it's really important for us to be able to have those
moments where we can just reflect, and when I had this thought
of taking off and putting on your clothes, it gave me
and my daughter time, you know?
And this is a question that I ask to many parents,
if they're actually thinking about the time they're spending
with their children.
What do you think, Carol?
I think all kids should be burnt, but you can't say that now.
You know, I used to be a clothes shedder.
I used to shed clothes, more than my weight,
just to get five pound an hour.
And because of that, I'm dedicating an hour a day,
when I'm on here, where's the camera?
I'm dedicating my hour on Loose Women
back to shedding clothes, cause I don't forget where I came from.
But I'm doing it for all the other potential Loose Women out there,
don't take my fucking job though,
that one day you could be up here with us, talking about real
topics with real girls.
I love you girls. I love you.
I love you, babe.
That's so good.
Wow.
- Carol? - Yeah.
Any thoughts?
I don't think COVID is real, PC gone mad.
Janet, would you do it with me, Janet?
No, I couldn't be fucking bothered.
That's what Janet would say.
Yeah.
OK, James, do you think she could do it?
Look, I was on the fence until the emotional speech started.
She's still doing it.
It's dedication, girls.
Who could argue with that? Four points to Judi Love.
- Four points. - Yay.
It's time for On the Spot.
In this round we're going to deliver a series of rapid fire
hypotheticals, which we want our panellists to solve
as quickly as possible.
It's gonna be as high-octane as a skydive, without any of the danger.
Or excitement.
Josh will read out the hypothetical and then I will say the name
of the person that I want to answer it.
But if we think the answer is stupid we'll hit our buttons to stop
the clock and ask what the hell they're on about.
The best player gets the points.
OK. Here we go.
Starters, mains, puddings.
You have to come up with a new course.
Pugh.
Pre-pre-starter.
You eat it at home before you go to the restaurant.
Love it. Love it. Love it.
Scientists have come up with a way of creating a hybrid
of any two animals.
What are you making and what's its name?
Love.
Er, it would be a giraffe and an elephant.
And what's it called?
And it would be called a safari-hari.
- Yes, it would. - Very good.
They've just added an eighth day of the week. What's it called?
- Tarbuck. - Yinx.
You get that Friday feeling, Wednesday is hump day
and you have a roast on Sunday.
What do you do on Yinx?
Gledhill.
- Sex. - Yeah.
Yinx.
You and your best friend must get in to watch the Wimbledon
final without tickets.
By the way, your best friend is a hippo.
Pugh.
We've, trained as ball boys. There's a shortage.
They've put an announcement out. We've stepped forward.
We've saved the day. Let us in.
The hippo has been trained as a ball boy?
It's a feel-good story.
Actually, the only limiting factor is age.
As long as the hippo was under 15
he's probably got a better chance of getting in.
It's more believable.
You're at Kew Gardens with Monty Don.
Convince him to strim a massive cock and balls into the lawn.
Love.
I would say to him that this is a charity event,
and Loose Women are backing it.
You're holding a banana.
How do you get to the edible bit in the middle?
- Tarbuck. - I think I'd just squeeze it.
Yeah.
Now, every show we put an easy one in that's really obvious,
that you'd just peel the banana and eat it.
We deliberately gave that one to you going,
"I bet she doesn't do that."
You've got an hour to get as far underground as possible.
Gledhill.
You go to Yorkshire Mining Museum and you go right down in the shaft.
No one's arguing with that.
You're at a local swimming baths.
You must get the staff to start draining the pool
by shouting five words or less.
Pugh.
I have shat myself again.
You must invent a new UK accent.
Love.
Er, so it would be, it would be something like this,
like, it would be kind of like do you know what I'm saying,
do you know what I'm saying, do you know what I'm saying.
That's what it would be.
You know what I'm saying?
I actually don't know what you're saying, but.
That's the point. That's the accent.
Yeah, I like it.
The British Swimming Association has tasked you
with inventing a new stroke. Name it.
Gledhill.
Way-oh.
Show us way-oh.
Way-ay-oh.
This seems to be inspired by your technique for taking your bra off
in a car.
That's how you get it back on.
The makers of James Bond have been in touch.
They've had enough of "shaken, not stirred".
Come up with a new way for Bond to order his martini.
Tarbuck.
Er, chewed and spat out.
You must circumnavigate the...
Oh, no, we'll never get to that one.
Right, that's the end of the round.
James, who are you giving the points to?
Well, I was very keen on all of those, but just
because way-oh is such a good swimming stroke,
I'm giving the points to Amy Gledhill.
Yay. Thank you.
It was a hell of a journey, James, and how many points does Amy get?
- One point. - One point.
- Wow. - Wow. - Wow.
It's time for our final round, the one that decides it all.
We're heading back to the Wall of Celebrities
to ask the biggest question in showbiz.
Is it true that if you press the right button on the Teletubbies'
telly screen you can see what they've just eaten?
No, the question is big hat or small hat?
We've asked our six celebs one final, all-important question big
hat or small hat?
James, what are the rules of the question?
We told the celebrities you have to wear the hat for the rest
of your life, you can't wear a medium size hat over the small
hat, and these are the hats.
All you have to do is tell us which hat the celebrity chose.
James, before the question, can we have the scores as they stand?
Yes.
Team Gasoline has zero points, whilst Sexy Waltzers are in the lead
with 14 points.
Woo.
Never seen it before.
Who is this question for and how many points is it worth?
It's for Team Gasoline and it's worth 15 points.
What a story it would be.
- What a story it would be. - Never.
Team Gasoline, it comes down to this one.
Who would you like to choose?
Er, I'm happy to go Kadeena Cox again.
- OK. - Yeah.
And do you think Kadeena Cox went big hat or small hat?
What one would you go for?
I'd go small.
Well, I am flabbergasted.
Are you?
Yeah, big hat every time.
- Would you? - Yeah, go big or go home.
I called you a name earlier in the show.
Yeah.
I shouldn't have done that, and I want to let you, this is yours.
This is you now.
That is, in my book, slippy of you.
Er, I think I'm gonna go with you on this.
Small.
Well, let's see.
To win it, did Kadeena Cox go small hat?
Gotta be small hat.
She's gone small hat.
Oh.
They've won it. They've won it, from nowhere.
Is this where I go like that?
And we've got some worked out routine.
Oh-ho-ho.
James, absolute shocker.
James, what are the final scores?
Sexy Waltzers have 14 points.
Nothing to be ashamed of. Be proud of that.
Team Gasoline, very close, this, this is by a hair -
are the winners with 15 points.
I mean that's tight. It's been a tight game.
You played very well, but you just didn't quite...
So what this game is, is basically come up here and do
fuck all, and then still win at the end?
We're seeing your true colours now, aren't we,
after I got booed earlier in the show.
Congratulations.
Fucking idiots.
Congratulations to Team Gasoline.
You've proved your worth in a non-existent hypothetical
universe, so you are this week's winners.
James, what have they won?
Well, as said before, the hypothetical prizes are three
restaurant-quality lasagnes, some trapped wind, 56 bald cats
and a mini fridge containing a second even smaller mini fridge,
but those were just hypothetical prizes.
You've actually won a charm of goldfinches.
Thanks to our guests, Judi Love
Amy Gledhill,
Liza Tarbuck and Josh Pugh.
Extra special thanks to my co-host and points enthusiast James Acaster.
Goodnight.