Hello, and welcome to Hypothetical, the show that pits my favourite
comedians against a variety of tricksy hypothetical scenarios.
Let's meet today's guests.
On my right it's Ross Noble and Angela Barnes.
And up against them, Sunil Patel and Lou Sanders.
And now to introduce my co-host and arbiter of hypotheticals.
He has four hit Netflix specials, but often struggled
in the weekend comedy clubs.
It's James Acaster.
Now, before we start, we need some names.
Ross and Angela, what have you come up with?
- Ah, well. - Well.
It's obvious, innit?
- Yeah, cause I'm Barnes. - Yeah.
- Noble. - Yeah.
Waterstones.
Very good. Love it. Waterstones.
Lou and Sunil, what have you gone for?
Lovely... Lovely Mums.
- Lovely Mums. - Lovely Mums.
Cause we think it'll be a hit on Instagram.
Oh.
Get a hashtag going, the Lovely Mums.
Oh, the Lovely Mums.
Yeah, I don't think Lovely Mums on Instagram is quite
what you think it is.
Ah.
Right, we've met our teams, let's find out what they're playing for.
James, what are the hypothetical prizes?
This week's hypothetical prizes are a black and white Rubik's cube,
two home laminating machines, a multipack of packets
and a bespoke suit tailored to the dimensions of Sir Paul McCartney.
As ever, all our guests' responses will be completely made up
on the spot.
None of our comedians have seen today's hypotheticals before
the show, and in some cases they haven't even seen the show.
Guilty.
Our first round is What Would You Do?
James, how many points are up for grabs?
I'll be awarding up to five points depending on how they deal
with the scenario, from one, two away from the magic number,
up to five, also two away from the magic number,
but in a good way.
The first question is a head to head.
The winning team gets the points.
Ross, you'll be representing Waterstones, and Sunil,
you're playing for Lovely Mums.
Right, the question is great news, dweebs, there's a brand
new mega-budget Lord of the Rings TV series currently in production.
The challenge for you is very simple.
You must appear in it.
James, what are the rules?
For your entire time on-screen you must be wearing shorts,
specifically, these shorts.
The shorts must be visible on-screen, you can't just wear them
under your goblin jodhpurs, and the loser must appear
in the new Game of Thrones series, so everyone will see your butt.
Do you like the shorts, Ross?
No.
Tell me one thing that's not to like about those shorts, Ross.
You'd call those Bermuda shorts, but I think what you've got
there is more of a sort of, it's a colourful swimsuit.
This netting in the middle, does that mean they're not shorts
and they are swimming trunks?
- I think, yeah. - Swimming shorts, right?
To support your Bermuda triangle.
- Do you like the shorts, Sunil? - Yeah, I actually like them.
I don't normally wear shorts, but they look right up
my street, yeah.
You swim in trousers, do you?
Yeah, old school.
Ross, who would you style yourself as, then?
Are you gonna be one of the characters from the film?
You're assuming that I'm gonna wear them as shorts.
No. I'm gonna wear them as a hat, because in a way, like,
a wizard's hat starts wide and goes thin.
Whereas shorts on your head, starts thin and goes out.
So I'm like a sort of reverse wizard.
So already people are going, "He's a wizard.
Look again," like that, and then I put some, greebles.
What are greebles?
Don't know, just made them up.
Couple of greebles, I'll get Peter Jackson to make me some rubber
things peeping out the top, like that.
And then if people go, "That's a bit of an '80s,
contemporary sort of colour," I'll be spinning, and the centrifugal
force of the greebles as I spin, that'll sort of blur,
and you won't see that it's a modern item, you'll just go,
"That's a spinning reverse wizard with a couple of greebles."
Problem solved.
And Sunil, same answer?
Er.
I think I'd just wear them as shorts.
There must be somebody who would have worn a brightly
coloured piece of clothing back in the day.
- What would they be called? - Maybe it would be like...
It has to be sort of an old, it would be like a... Thock.
Thock.
- Thock. - Thock.
- Like "sock" with a lisp. - Yeah.
He's like a traveller from ages ago, seven foot tall, big lad,
able to handle himself, but he wore shorts.
And make him relatable for all the fans, so they're on board.
So just say he's, like, a virgin, still lives with his mum,
and they'll be like, "Can't relate, can't relate."
Yeah.
What would you pair the shorts with?
- Er. - A boner.
A boner and no top.
- A boner and no top? - Yeah.
Trouble is, it's very much frowned down upon,
having a large erection in Middle Earth, because of the,
Hobbits.
It's Hobbit height.
Can I ask?
So this character turns up and he's got the shorts and the boner,
and he's called Thock.
- Yeah. - And what's his backstory?
Er, sort of wandering warrior monk type figure.
- Could he be a warrior from Bermuda? - Yeah.
Maybe that's where the ships that disappear in the Bermuda Triangle go.
- Oh, yeah, to Middle Earth. - To Middle Earth.
Oh, in that case I can just be a man who's fallen off a cruise ship
and found myself amongst some Orcs.
Yeah. Easy.
So are you still going with Thock?
No, I'm gonna be.
You might as well just call yourself Graham. It doesn't really matter.
Yeah, I'm Graham. I went on a cruise and now I'm here.
- Still got the boner though. - I've still got the boner, yeah.
If you've been on a cruise ship that's not going down any time soon.
Yeah, I buy that. Do you buy it?
I'm quite excited about that.
If that was an episode in the new Lord of the Rings,
and they were going, like, you know, they were really bringing in people
from the real world into it, and you're going, "Oh man,
"they're saying that the Bermuda Triangle is a gateway
"to Middle Earth," I would be more excited about it than whatever
it is they're actually gonna do, which sounds boring.
Josh, didn't you once audition as a Hobbit?
- I did, yeah. - Did you really?
- Yeah, he did. - Yeah.
We won't tell you how it went.
Well, it didn't go well, clearly.
- You didn't get the gig as a Hobbit? - No.
I auditioned as the main Hobbit as well.
- What's he called? - Martin Freeman?
- Yeah. - Well.
- Martin Freeman the Hobbit. - Do you know what?
When it said that on the script I should have been worried.
He didn't know anything about Lord of the Rings, anything about The Hobbit.
I had to explain it to him, and he doesn't like fantasy films and stuff,
and it was really funny, just being like, "So at one point
there's a dragon." "Oh, you've got to be shitting me. What?"
I didn't think I'd get the role, but to look at me I thought I'm
a shoo-in for being flown out for some, you know, extras work.
Yeah.
At the back with a mead, that kind of.
The only Hobbit wearing glasses.
Right. Do you want to test who's got the best character here, James?
Yeah, I think the best way to test it is to,
like, literally see them on set.
Do you wanna bring out the set then, James?
Yeah, let's get the set out. Cliff!
Cliff, bring the Lord of the Rings set out right now.
His name is Cliff, he works in props.
He sets them up, and could do better.
Do you wanna play the director, James?
Yeah, I'm gonna be the director of the new Lord of the Rings TV series.
Very exciting. Um, I need a Hobbit though.
I need a leading man.
Maybe someone who's auditioned in the past and wants another bite
of the cherry.
- No. - Josh Widdicombe to set, please.
I know you're not prepared.
I'll be honest with you, James.
This wig should have tipped me off where we were going.
- Come on. - Yes.
Here he comes, perfect for the role. Don't know why he didn't get it.
- You look like the Queen. - Oh, you look the part.
You look perfect for it.
God, this takes me back.
- OK. - So who am I?
Bilbo Baggins.
I want you walking in the forest, cause that's what most of the film
is, is walking.
And first of all I'd say we have Sunil, if you wanna crash this
at any point you want.
So, action. Action, Josh.
Why has Gandalf chosen me for this quest?
More. More Hobbity.
- Why has Gandalf chosen me for this quest? - Yeah, yeah.
I am but a humble Hobbit, not a brave warrior.
Think about how much you love the ring.
I've been travelling for too long now.
My enormous hairy feet are so tired.
OK. A guy seems to be...
No, do you know what, mate? I'm all for improvs.
Get in there.
We'll go with what this guy's doing. I like his spirit.
- OK. Who are you? - Oh, I just.
I just got off a boat.
It's over there.
I was on holiday and now I just arrived here.
- Where, am I? - You're in Middle Earth.
Question his erection.
I'm sorry, why have you got a stiffy?
Oh, I was in the middle of something on the boat.
Let's drill down into what he was in the middle of, please.
- What were you in the middle of? - Er, just a bit of golf.
And it gave you a stiffy?
I get very excited with the game.
Why are you in Middle Earth, and why is there a cruise liner behind you?
I don't know, we just arrived here out of nowhere.
What is Middle Earth?
Er, you're asking the wrong person there.
I think that's good from Sunil.
I wanna see how Ross would deal with it now.
- Right, OK, great. - OK, cool.
Great stuff, Sunil. I believed you.
Do you want some more, do you want some more of these?
Yeah, yeah. I want you to talk about how much you love Middle Earth
and walk along.
Oh, man, I love Middle Earth.
Knees higher. Knees higher.
- Knees higher? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, man, I love Middle Earth.
I can see someone coming.
Are you back on the cruise ship?
Hello.
Ah, young Hobbit, you must listen to me.
I have travelled, but do not look directly into my shorts,
for you will die.
These wonderful colours, they will enchant your eyes,
and therefore I will spin.
Don't look at me, Hobbit. Don't look at me.
Look away.
What's that on top of your head?
Clearly greebles. Look at them.
A new guy has just joined the scene.
Can you do it sexier, please?
Hobbit, your feet are hairy.
Show me your buttocks.
Sing a Hobbit song.
Oh, come on now.
Oh, Middle Earth.
You gave birth to tiny weevils.
They grow quite big, they become greebles.
I can't compete with that.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
Er, listen, I'm impressed with everyone there.
Absolutely incredible work.
You don't need to still be talking through it.
It's hard to stop talking through it once you start.
Er, you were both fantastic.
I think Ross came up with, like, the more imaginative character,
but Sunil came up with the more exhilarating backstory.
I can do it again with an erection.
I am gonna split the points, actually, Josh.
I'm gonna give three points to Sunil, two points to Ross Noble.
It was fantastic.
Really strong.
And James, is there a correct answer?
There is a correct answer.
You convince them to rebrand the Lord of the Rings series as Lord
of the Rings. Hawaii Nights.
Suddenly surf's up and everyone's wearing board shorts, baby.
Not a million miles from Sunil's answer.
I'm gonna give Sunil a bonus point for getting close
to the correct answer.
- Sweet. - It's time for James's Wishlist.
Dreams can come true, look at me, babe, I'm with you.
What you've got to remember is James recorded that.
That's your first dream come true.
Yeah. It felt like it needed something.
I made the lyrics up off the top of my head,
made up the melody.
In this round we're gonna be picking something from James's ever-growing
list of dreams, and our panels are gonna tell us how they'd
make it happen.
Best answer gets up to five points.
So, James?
By this time tomorrow I want a memory foam mattress containing
an imprint of Andy Murray, and I want Lou and Angela to tell me
how they'd do it.
- Any rules? - Er, yeah, yeah, yeah.
We'll provide the mattress, and if after a hundred days you're
not happy with it you can return it for a full refund.
The body print has to be of the actual Andy Murray,
so you can't try and fob me off with a rubbish alternative.
OK. Are you a fan of tennis, Angela?
No, not remotely.
I once got tricked into going to Wimbledon cause my friend told me
it was a men's singles event.
That's not right.
You're not a fan of Andy Murray?
No, I'm not a fan of any sport, really.
And when you've got a sportsman who's also really boring,
sort of a double whammy, really.
Why are you shocked when she said he was boring?
We've got categoric evidence that he's boring.
Lou, are you a tennis / Andy Murray fan?
I'm not exactly sure who he is.
Try and say who you think Andy Murray is.
OK. I think he's got brown hair, and his mum has been on the telly
as well, and she's ever so proud of him.
Yes.
He's often wearing like a white, sort of tennis T-shirt.
And there was a bit of a kerfor with him a couple of years ago.
- He won Wimbledon? - Something, yeah.
So that's my boy. Anyway, I think this would be quite easy.
- Oh, yeah? - And everyone likes a free thing.
So you're gonna go free stuff.
So I'd go, "So, look, Andy, this is the best mattress in the world.
"It's the one that Kim Kardashian uses.
"Like, you know, it's like golden, it's yours for free,
"and half the money goes to charity," and it does,
I'm not even lying, because it's free.
I've got to ask. When it's free...
Yeah. Oh, the money goes to charity.
I'm not spending a penny.
And then it's a shit mattress.
He doesn't know this.
And then he lays on it and he's like, "I don't want this mattress,"
and he says, "Pick this mattress up," and then I've got the body
of Andy Murray.
The body?
There's only one slight flaw in that, right?
Andy Murray, famously, very slight man, isn't he?
Very slight.
- I don't think his impression... - Oh, sorry.
I dye Andy Murray beforehand, top to tail.
- You what? - I dye him.
So then you've got the dye imprint.
How are you dyeing him?
I phone up from another company and offer him a spray tan.
- And then... - Oh, that's a good...
You know what? I'd buy that.
Or I just get him in the spray tanning salon, and then push him
against the mattress.
Yeah, that's good, that's good.
- You want an imprint, not a sort of. - Yeah.
Yeah, I don't want a potato pressing, which is what.
Yeah, yeah.
I think saying that Andy Murray wants all this free stuff is just
upholding that stereotype of Scottish people being tight,
and I'm not having it.
Someone's worried about calling him boring and trying to rebuild.
Too right.
So, I would invite Andy Murray to IKEA, Wimbledon branch.
Yeah.
So it's in June, and I go to Wimbledon, and what I'd do,
I'd also tell him that I'm on Mock the Week,
cause he likes going to see that.
He does.
He's been in the audience on Mock of the Week a few times.
- So I reckon then he'll want to meet me, right? - Yeah.
So he'll come and meet me, and I'll go, "I'd really love
"to chat, Andy, but I need to buy some tealights.
"I'm getting low, cause, you know, I last went to IKEA ten years ago
"and I've just run out."
Yeah.
"So do you want to come with me to IKEA, and then we can chat,
"you know, I can tell you everything you want to know about Dara.
"I can tell you all the gossip." Oh, yeah?
Let's play this out, cause I want to hear it, all this stuff about Dara.
OK, yeah, yeah.
- Do you want me to be Andy Murray? - Yeah.
OK.
- That's my costume. - OK.
Er, so I'm just at Wimbledon, just backstage.
So, Andy, how do you feel about...
- Oh, hello. Who, are you? - Sorry, your mum let me in.
She said you might want to meet me, cause,
I'm on that panel show, Mock the Week. I know you...
WHAT?
Read all about it, news of the world, news of the world.
I love Mock the Week.
Ask her what Dara's like.
What's Dara like?
He's, very famously Irish.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, dish the dirt.
I will dish the dirt, but I've got to get to IKEA before it shuts.
Oh, but I want to hear all this gossip.
I need to buy some tealights and a memory foam mattress.
If you want you can come with me.
- We could chat about Dara on the way. - Uh-huh.
And then you could help me buy the mattress. What do you reckon?
I think that sounds like a great idea.
- One little question before we go. - Yeah.
Er, what is the most unlikely thing to hear as a dentist?
- Do you buy that? - Yeah, yeah.
- Very strong. - I'd follow you into IKEA.
Yeah. How do you feel about Lou's tanning salon, pushing him
against a mattress?
I'm gonna be honest, I think it's dead in the water, but.
I do want to see how it would play out.
OK. James, have we got any props?
Yeah, it's right there.
Oh, yeah.
- A memory foam mattress. - A memory foam mattress.
OK, you come in, and you come into the spray salon.
- Yeah. - OK? And...
This is the spray salon. I haven't been tanned yet.
Spray salon. Got my racquet with me, as always.
You're Andy Murray. Um.
Better not be tanned through this.
If it sprays me through this I'll be in big trouble.
OK, you can put the racquet down.
Never. I never put my racquet down.
I'm Andy Murray!
And then you'll come into the solarium to do your spray tan.
- Oh. - This is just the room.
- I'll just step in here for my spray tan. - Yeah?
And apparently, cause of COVID, I'm not allowed to get
you on the mattress.
It's either COVID or it's cause I'm a bit Me Too-y.
I think we know which one it is.
- I need to just push the mattress into you. - Huh?
Need to just push the mattress?
Cause I'm not allowed to touch you, but the mattress is,
and then you just pop yourself down on there.
There we go.
And then I just bring that to Josh, and that's Andy Murray.
Are you doing the steps as well?
And there we go.
There's only one way to find out. Did it leave an imprint, James?
Could you just...
Success.
Oh, wow.
Really successful.
Well, James, James, James.
Two very strong answers.
We've got Lou's attack in a tanning salon, and Angela selling Dara down
the river in an attempt to win over Andy Murray.
Yeah. Look, I know that we've seen that that would technically work.
We saw the imprint there.
But I've got to say, I actually can't see Andy Murray
saying yes to the free tan and the free mattress.
I don't think he'd care that they were free.
Oh, you can see him going down IKEA, can you?
I can see him being so enamoured with a star of Mock the Week
he would follow her anywhere.
I'm gonna have to give the points to Angela Barnes.
I'm gonna give her the full five points.
The full five points to Angela Barnes!
OK.
Where does that leave the points, James?
Lovely Mums have four points and Waterstones are in the lead
with seven points.
Seven points.
Next up it's the Great Wall of Celebrities.
Whoa.
We need Jackie Weaver to keep this Zoom call in line.
Teams, you must take it in turns to pick a celeb and guess how
they answered a tricky hypothetical.
Each question is worth one juicy point.
OK, Waterstones, who are you going to pick?
Kadeena Cox?
I quite liked her on MasterChef.
We said to Kadeena Cox the wheels on your bike are missing
and you have to replace them with something else round.
What do you choose?
I love a bit of sport, right?
Not all the Olympics and that, but the Gloucestershire...
- The cheese. - Cheese rolling, right?
Oh.
Now if she's an Olympian, and then she's got a big Gloucester
wheel of cheese, one at the front, one at the back, all them lads
are running down the hill, trying to keep up with the cheese.
She's got one in front.
She's always gonna be ahead of the back wheel.
Yes.
So she's gonna win the event, extra medal for her.
In fact, if she was to get close to the bottom,
start applying the brakes, the friction and heat, oh, fromage.
Fondue.
But there again she is a sportsperson and therefore
probably dull.
So, probably gonna be something not that, is it?
It's gonna be, like, records, or.
Mmm. Bap, or a.
- A bap. - I think, yeah.
Couple of lovely floury baps.
So your options are cheese or a couple of lovely floury baps.
What are you gonna go for?
I think cheese is our answer, but I think hers will
be floury baps.
Let's have a look.
I think I would choose a Jammie Dodger, so if I get hungry
I can have a little nibble along the way.
Jammie Dodger.
No points.
Sunil and Lou, who would you like to choose?
- Motivator? - Yeah, Motivator, Mr, please.
OK.
You're a '90s icon.
Which of these '90s fads would you choose to permanently adopt?
Making all your calls on a huge mobile phone,
wearing the Spice Girls Impulse perfume, or telling everyone
you meet to talk to the hand.
Can I just say, for full disclosure, I used to be
Mr Motivator's warm-up man?
What? You motivated the crowd before Mr Motivator?
Exactly. Exactly.
I worked with him quite a lot.
- Really? - In the mid '90s.
He was at the height of his fame.
He's a lovely bloke. Derek.
Derek Evans, his real name is.
Do not ruin it.
The best one ever, right, Mr Motivator, he was on the beach,
and there was like hundreds of people in a big circle,
like that, and he had an earpiece, right, but everyone was listening
through speakers, and he stood there like that, and he's going,
"Oh, yeah, come on. Work it up. Step it up,"
And everyone's copying, and his earpiece went down, and he went...
And a thousand people went...
What do you reckon? You've got some inside goss there.
Oh, God.
Well, it looks like A, doesn't it?
- Yeah, I think A. - Gotta be the big phone.
Cause he's very amenable.
He wouldn't want to go "talk to the hand".
It's too frosty. He's not that guy.
He's a big personality, big phone, yeah.
Let's see. Talk to the hand, baby.
Oh, no.
- Oh, Derek. - That's ruined it.
He's changed!
- Wow. - No points.
Waterstones, who are you gonna go for?
Let's go for the self-styled colourful vicar.
- Yeah, Rev Bottley. - Rev Bottley.
Your agent says that to attract a lucrative vegan market you have
to change your last name to a vegetable.
- Right. - Which do you choose?
It's gonna be something God-bother-y, isn't it?
It's got to be. It's got to be something, ah.
Something that represents the Holy Trinity.
A radish. Upside down radish.
So she'd be called Reverend Kate Upside Down Radish.
Yeah.
Open brackets, to represent the Holy Trinity, close brackets.
Again, that's our answer.
I think hers might be broccoli.
- Shall we see? - I'd be Kate Potato.
Everyone loves a potato.
They're round, they're homely, they're easy to handle and they're
often covered in dirt, bit like me.
What is she talking about?
OK, Sunil and Lou, who are you going for?
- Susie Dent, I think. - Susie Dent.
Every time you go outside, Susie Dent, you must wear
a four-foot protruding codpiece, plastic stag do boobs,
or bum hat.
- Bum hat? - I think she'd go bum hat.
I think bum hat.
Surely for Sunil it should be the codpiece to hide his boner.
Yeah, you'd think so.
I think, stag do boobs.
- That's what you'd wear? - They're fun, isn't it? Yeah.
My dad ran a sex shop for a living, and when he died, in the funeral
director's they'd laid this sort of lacy pillow under his head,
and I didn't think it was right, so I went out and bought inflatable
boobs and put them under.
My dad's still alive, but I'm gonna do that for him as well.
- Yeah. I think it's what he'd want. - Yeah, yeah.
What are you gonna go for?
- Bum hat. - Bum hat.
Bum hat.
I'm going to go with the codpiece, and I'm gonna make it a really
special, dazzling, bejewelled codpiece, like Henry VIII apparently
had, and it was huge, too.
You think you know someone.
No points. That is the end of that round.
But of course we'll see the celebrities again at the end
of the show for Big Hat Small Hat, if they can stay off the drink.
We're looking at you Motivator.
He's a nightmare after a few Lucozades.
Time for our next round, which is Not For a Million Quid.
OK. James, what would you do if you had a million quid?
Er, I'd make a lot of calamari, Josh.
A million quid, not squid.
I heard you.
In this round we want to know how much you'd need to be paid to live
through a hypothetical situation.
The lowest bidder has to tell us how they'd do it.
There's three points on offer if we think you could pull it off,
and if I don't believe your bid is genuine I'll disqualify you.
The question is how much to endure this for one year?
Every time you have a conversation with someone you have to give
them a bollocking.
James, the rules.
Every time you talk to someone you have to find something specific
to give them a proper bollocking about.
For example, their stupid glasses, their weird,
like, navy jacket or their nasal voice.
- What? - You know, their stupid.
- What? - Stupid.
What?
Also, it has to be a true bollocking, right?
We're talking raised voices, pointed fingers and aggressive
language, the full hair dryer treatment.
And just to be clear, giving someone a bollocking isn't
the same thing as tea-bagging someone.
It's tricky, innit, cause I do quite enjoy being confrontational.
Like I was doing the school run, and one of the other parents had
parked really quite badly, and I went, "You happy
with that?" You know.
My wife said, "That's a bit of a dickish thing to do." It
made me feel happy.
Do you find that you hate motorists more because you're on the bike
a lot of the time?
Yeah, there's an element of that, but I just think there's no excuse
for bad parking, is there?
- No, there's no excuse. - No excuse, you know.
James, do not go around accusing people of being bad drivers.
You've had three crashes.
Yeah, but only three of them have been my fault.
Have we got any questions about how this would play out for you?
Do we have to live our lives as we normally would?
- Well, no, you can adapt your life. - What are you thinking?
I can't just, like, lock myself in a room and just order stuff
on the Internet?
I mean, imagine just being in your home for most of a year.
Just on the Internet all the time.
Well, good luck enduring that, Sunil.
Who do you want to go first?
I think we start with Lou, work our way round.
OK.
£3 million.
Because you can have a nice house but you'd be really lonely.
- No one would come round. - Yeah.
That's like my life now, really, without the money.
What price have you put on ruining your life, Sunil?
£100,000.
Why are you putting such a small price on stuff? I mean.
Is that small? OK.
100,000?
For a year off, like a gap year.
A year off from people?
You can't see your mum.
If you do you've got to say, you know.
Yeah. I've just got to bollock my... OK, I'm happy to bollock my mum.
We all are, but, you know, think beyond that.
- Angela, what have you gone for? - I've gone really high.
I've gone five million, cause I, like, I don't like it.
I don't like being mean to people. Passive aggression, sure.
- Oh, mate. - I can do that.
But actual aggression, it upsets me too much.
I'd need to be paid the big bucks.
- Uh-huh. - Ross?
I went exact, well, actually, I went 100,000 Euro.
We've never had that before,
where we've had to do a quick exchange rate in the gallery.
Ross is the lowest one.
- So, sorry, Sunil. - It's a confusing situation.
A man who lives in Australia and is in England has chosen
to do euros.
I'm an international kind of guy.
Are you a good bollocker?
I think you'd quite relish this.
Yeah, I do, I do like having a...
I do like, yeah.
Shall we just play out one of those very quickly?
The kind of situation you can't get out of.
- Yeah. A wedding? - Yeah, a wedding.
Maybe I'm a happy groom, and I've invited you,
my friend, to my wedding.
James, have you got any props for us?
- Yeah, right there. - Oh, yeah, my mistake.
So who do you want to play?
I'm gonna be the groom. It's gonna be my wedding.
I've invited Ross.
This is the reception.
I've had such a great day.
Everything has gone right.
Yeah, nothing can ruin this.
The weather held out.
Perfect weather.
Oh, I'm so happy. Ah.
- You discarded your... - Oh, thank you, Ross.
- How many times have I told you? - Whoa!
Don't drop flowers on the floor.
There's kids around here, sliding around on the floor at low
levels, and some of them, some of them have got allergies,
and you drop that on the floor, they're sneezing up,
it's going into all of this wood, slipping about.
There's pensioners.
They'll fall on the muscus-y floor, thanks to you and your lack
of pollen-based, antics.
You're right.
Oh, talking of pensioners, wait there.
Stop talking about pensioners.
They creep me out, sucking on their Werther's Originals.
I'm sick of it.
I'm just gonna go and check on my grandfather.
Where are you?
I'm sat here. You've left me alone at the table.
Unbel... Oh.
Whoa.
Oh, hello.
Have you seen my grandson?
He got married today.
I came to see him.
- Just wanted to say. - See him? See him?
- That's what you're doing, is it? - Yeah.
You're an old man. I can see from here you've got cataracts.
So you didn't come to see him, did you?
You came to be in the same space as him.
So stop pissing on my back and telling me it's raining.
- I didn't mean to... - Use that walking frame properly!
You're just using the wheels.
You're supposed to put the things down to create a bit of purchase.
Do you know what? I'd love to be like this.
My step-dad is exactly like this all the time.
Ah, hello.
Hello, Ross.
Er, I don't suppose you've seen my grandfather?
My brother got married today.
Have you met my new baby? Lovely little...
She's just learning to talk.
Hello, Ross.
Oh, my baby is talking to you.
You're a tiny baby. You're a tiny baby.
How are you even able to talk?
You can't talk, and he is clearly a ventriloquist, right?
Peel that face off. You'd better not be Nina Conti.
- James? - Well, obviously Ross could do it.
Stop talking to the audience.
Sorry, are we still doing it?
James, what do you think?
Oh, full three points to Ross Noble.
Of course he could do it.
It's time for On The Spot.
In this round we're going to deliver a series of rapid fire hypotheticals
which we want our panellists to solve as quickly as possible.
You're gonna have to think faster than Usain Bolt playing
in a speed chess tournament.
- Because he's no good at chess. - Right.
Josh is gonna read out the hypothetical and I will say
the name of the person that I would like to answer it.
But.
Yeah, normally I'd say the name of the person that I'd
like to answer it, but because we didn't know
who was gonna do the act-out with the baby, we recorded
everyone's name.
Lou! Sunil! Angela! Ross!
So I'm just gonna use that instead.
Why not?
We've spent £10,000 on it.
Right.
But if we're not buying the answer
we will hit our buttons to stop the clock
and ask what the hell you're on about, just to be clear on that.
- Right. - Yeah, best player wins the round.
Here we go.
You've got ten minutes to get the word "sofa" trending on Twitter.
Angela.
Hashtag sofa.
Love it.
Shirt pocket, trouser pocket, back pocket, front pocket.
You have to come up with a new pocket.
- Ross. - Er, ankle pocket.
You have to give James a nightmare tonight.
Sunil.
Er, me with a boner.
I said a nightmare, not a dream.
The dessert trolley feels painfully outmoded.
You have to come up with a new vehicle for parading puddings.
Ross.
Er, ooh, the creamy space hopper.
Textbook.
You have 15 minutes to paint the entire exterior of a house.
- How do you do it? - Angela.
With a helicopter with a big hose.
- That's a good answer. - Yeah.
People are tired of the words "knife", "fork" and "spoon".
- You must rename them all. - Lou.
Bigigoo.
Yes.
A goon, and a silg.
I just wanna ask this.
Can you say those three again and see if you can get them exactly?
Bibi, bigoo, bigigoo.
- Which one's that? - That's all three.
- That's all three? - Yeah, that's the package.
Bigigoo.
We haven't got a word for that, so actually that's quite good.
Cutlery.
You having a go at everyone, that's over now. OK?
What I want to see from you is a bit of positivity, Ross, OK.
Man buns are over, mullets are out.
You must come up with a cutting edge new hairstyle.
Sunil.
Er, just shaven in the middle, across, like that.
Oh, that is good.
You must invent a new kind of juice, one that's never
been squeezed before.
Angela.
Koala bear.
Koala juice.
Sort of eucalyptus-y, so it clears your nasal passages as well.
Very nice.
Just with a nice hint of chlamydia.
Mmm, lovely.
They've all got chlamydia, haven't they?
Yeah, I found that out.
Ariana Grande has Cloud, Rihanna has Nude, Bruce Willis has
Bruce Willis.
What's your signature celebrity perfume, and what does it smell like?
Lou.
It's called Phwoar and it smells like your dad's fingers.
You're famously one of the nicest people in showbiz.
Thank you.
This question is not going to you.
So to give you a bit of an edge, your agent has suggested you rebrand
yourself as more of a bad boy.
- What's your first move? - Ross.
I'd give a Shetland pony a dead leg.
Job done. Job done.
We're bored of saying "bless you".
Think of a better thing to say when someone sneezes.
- Sunil. - Spiders.
James Dyson made bags of money out of a bagless hoover.
He's offering you big bucks to come up with a new idea for something
to make bagless.
- What have you got? - Ross.
A colostomy system.
So instead of a colostomy bag, it's like you know when you get
those, those muck spreaders on a farm,
and it just sprays the shit everywhere.
You must circumnavigate the globe with nothing but...
Oh, so close.
So, James, after all that, who's getting the points?
Oh, man, just cause I'd love to hear people say "spiders"
when they sneeze, Sunil gets the points.
- And, yeah. - Sunil gets the points!
After all that, how many points does Sunil get?
Sunil gets one point.
- It was worth it. - Yeah, yeah.
Right, it's time for our final round, the one that decides it all.
We're heading back to the wall of the celebrities for the biggest
question in showbiz.
Why has Only Fools and Horses got two theme tunes?
No, it's Big Hat Small Hat.
We asked our six celebs one final, all-important question - big hat
or small hat?
James, the rules.
We told the celebrities you have to wear the hat for the rest
of your life, you can't wear a medium size had over the small
hat, and these are the hats.
All you have to do is tell us which hat the celebrity chose.
James, before the question, what are the scores?
Lovely Mums has five points, and Waterstones are in the lead
with ten points.
Who is the question for and how many points is it worth?
It's for Lovely Mums and it's worth six points.
So, Lovely Mums, it all comes down to this.
Can we have a dramatic lighting change, please?
Which celebrity would you like to choose?
- Wadia? - Yeah.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
- Wadia. - Yeah, Wadia.
Nina Wadia. Have you met her?
No, but mums go on instincts, don't we?
That's right, we do.
And so what do you think Nina Wadia's hat is gonna be?
- My instinct is little. - Right.
Um, but I haven't...my instincts aren't very good.
OK. My instinct is big hat.
And your instincts have got you, let's say big hat.
- Let's say big hat? - Yeah.
But will you be upset if it's small hat?
No, no.
I've got no vested interest in the game.
OK.
We're gonna go for big hat.
OK. Let's see.
- Big hat. - Oh, well done, Sunil.
There we go.
- Well done. - Oh, yes.
James, what are the final scores?
That means the final scores are Waterstones have ten points,
while Lovely Mums are this week's winners with 11 points.
Congratulations to Lovely Mums.
You've proved your worth in a non-existent hypothetical universe.
You are this week's winners. James, what have they won?
As I said before, the hypothetical prizes are a black and white Rubik's
cube, two home laminating machines, a multipack of packets and a bespoke
suit tailored to the dimensions of Sir Paul McCartney,
but those were just hypothetical prizes.
You've actually won a pair of greebles.
Thanks to our guests, Ross Noble, Angela Barnes,
Lou Sanders and Sunil Patel.
Extra special thanks to my co-host and points enthusiast James Acaster.
Goodnight.