1 00:00:37,283 --> 00:00:41,323 Hello, and welcome to Hypothetical, the show that pits my favourite 2 00:00:41,323 --> 00:00:45,203 comedians against a variety of tricksy hypothetical scenarios. 3 00:00:45,243 --> 00:00:46,763 Let's meet today's guests. 4 00:00:46,803 --> 00:00:49,803 On my right it's Ross Noble and Angela Barnes. 5 00:00:53,083 --> 00:00:56,643 And up against them, Sunil Patel and Lou Sanders. 6 00:00:59,963 --> 00:01:03,803 And now to introduce my co-host and arbiter of hypotheticals. 7 00:01:03,803 --> 00:01:07,603 He has four hit Netflix specials, but often struggled 8 00:01:07,603 --> 00:01:09,203 in the weekend comedy clubs. 9 00:01:09,203 --> 00:01:11,043 It's James Acaster. 10 00:01:22,883 --> 00:01:24,563 Now, before we start, we need some names. 11 00:01:25,643 --> 00:01:27,763 Ross and Angela, what have you come up with? 12 00:01:27,763 --> 00:01:29,243 - Ah, well. - Well. 13 00:01:29,243 --> 00:01:30,443 It's obvious, innit? 14 00:01:30,443 --> 00:01:32,203 - Yeah, cause I'm Barnes. - Yeah. 15 00:01:32,203 --> 00:01:35,083 - Noble. - Yeah. 16 00:01:35,083 --> 00:01:36,243 Waterstones. 17 00:01:39,563 --> 00:01:42,003 Very good. Love it. Waterstones. 18 00:01:42,003 --> 00:01:43,683 Lou and Sunil, what have you gone for? 19 00:01:43,683 --> 00:01:44,723 Lovely... Lovely Mums. 20 00:01:44,723 --> 00:01:46,523 - Lovely Mums. - Lovely Mums. 21 00:01:46,523 --> 00:01:49,123 Cause we think it'll be a hit on Instagram. 22 00:01:49,123 --> 00:01:50,403 Oh. 23 00:01:50,403 --> 00:01:51,803 Get a hashtag going, the Lovely Mums. 24 00:01:51,803 --> 00:01:53,163 Oh, the Lovely Mums. 25 00:01:53,163 --> 00:01:55,203 Yeah, I don't think Lovely Mums on Instagram is quite 26 00:01:55,203 --> 00:01:56,683 what you think it is. 27 00:01:58,523 --> 00:02:00,203 Ah. 28 00:02:00,203 --> 00:02:02,963 Right, we've met our teams, let's find out what they're playing for. 29 00:02:02,963 --> 00:02:05,363 James, what are the hypothetical prizes? 30 00:02:05,363 --> 00:02:09,243 This week's hypothetical prizes are a black and white Rubik's cube, 31 00:02:09,243 --> 00:02:12,163 two home laminating machines, a multipack of packets 32 00:02:12,163 --> 00:02:15,803 and a bespoke suit tailored to the dimensions of Sir Paul McCartney. 33 00:02:15,803 --> 00:02:18,243 As ever, all our guests' responses will be completely made up 34 00:02:18,283 --> 00:02:20,443 on the spot. 35 00:02:20,443 --> 00:02:23,243 None of our comedians have seen today's hypotheticals before 36 00:02:23,243 --> 00:02:26,923 the show, and in some cases they haven't even seen the show. 37 00:02:28,083 --> 00:02:29,923 Guilty. 38 00:02:31,083 --> 00:02:32,563 Our first round is What Would You Do? 39 00:02:35,683 --> 00:02:37,283 James, how many points are up for grabs? 40 00:02:37,323 --> 00:02:39,923 I'll be awarding up to five points depending on how they deal 41 00:02:39,963 --> 00:02:43,003 with the scenario, from one, two away from the magic number, 42 00:02:43,043 --> 00:02:45,683 up to five, also two away from the magic number, 43 00:02:45,723 --> 00:02:47,003 but in a good way. 44 00:02:48,003 --> 00:02:49,563 The first question is a head to head. 45 00:02:49,603 --> 00:02:50,923 The winning team gets the points. 46 00:02:50,963 --> 00:02:53,683 Ross, you'll be representing Waterstones, and Sunil, 47 00:02:53,723 --> 00:02:54,963 you're playing for Lovely Mums. 48 00:02:58,883 --> 00:03:01,803 Right, the question is great news, dweebs, there's a brand 49 00:03:01,843 --> 00:03:06,003 new mega-budget Lord of the Rings TV series currently in production. 50 00:03:06,043 --> 00:03:08,443 The challenge for you is very simple. 51 00:03:08,483 --> 00:03:10,443 You must appear in it. 52 00:03:10,483 --> 00:03:12,003 James, what are the rules? 53 00:03:12,043 --> 00:03:15,843 For your entire time on-screen you must be wearing shorts, 54 00:03:15,883 --> 00:03:18,403 specifically, these shorts. 55 00:03:19,883 --> 00:03:22,803 The shorts must be visible on-screen, you can't just wear them 56 00:03:22,843 --> 00:03:26,003 under your goblin jodhpurs, and the loser must appear 57 00:03:26,043 --> 00:03:30,123 in the new Game of Thrones series, so everyone will see your butt. 58 00:03:30,163 --> 00:03:32,443 Do you like the shorts, Ross? 59 00:03:32,483 --> 00:03:33,483 No. 60 00:03:35,923 --> 00:03:38,843 Tell me one thing that's not to like about those shorts, Ross. 61 00:03:38,883 --> 00:03:41,843 You'd call those Bermuda shorts, but I think what you've got 62 00:03:41,883 --> 00:03:45,883 there is more of a sort of, it's a colourful swimsuit. 63 00:03:45,923 --> 00:03:48,043 This netting in the middle, does that mean they're not shorts 64 00:03:48,083 --> 00:03:49,283 and they are swimming trunks? 65 00:03:49,323 --> 00:03:51,443 - I think, yeah. - Swimming shorts, right? 66 00:03:51,443 --> 00:03:53,963 To support your Bermuda triangle. 67 00:04:00,043 --> 00:04:02,123 - Do you like the shorts, Sunil? - Yeah, I actually like them. 68 00:04:02,163 --> 00:04:03,883 I don't normally wear shorts, but they look right up 69 00:04:03,923 --> 00:04:05,003 my street, yeah. 70 00:04:05,043 --> 00:04:07,083 You swim in trousers, do you? 71 00:04:09,883 --> 00:04:11,083 Yeah, old school. 72 00:04:11,083 --> 00:04:13,043 Ross, who would you style yourself as, then? 73 00:04:13,083 --> 00:04:15,563 Are you gonna be one of the characters from the film? 74 00:04:15,603 --> 00:04:18,003 You're assuming that I'm gonna wear them as shorts. 75 00:04:18,043 --> 00:04:23,163 No. I'm gonna wear them as a hat, because in a way, like, 76 00:04:23,203 --> 00:04:25,603 a wizard's hat starts wide and goes thin. 77 00:04:25,603 --> 00:04:28,763 Whereas shorts on your head, starts thin and goes out. 78 00:04:28,763 --> 00:04:31,523 So I'm like a sort of reverse wizard. 79 00:04:31,523 --> 00:04:34,083 So already people are going, "He's a wizard. 80 00:04:34,123 --> 00:04:40,003 Look again," like that, and then I put some, greebles. 81 00:04:40,003 --> 00:04:41,363 What are greebles? 82 00:04:41,403 --> 00:04:42,803 Don't know, just made them up. 83 00:04:44,443 --> 00:04:47,923 Couple of greebles, I'll get Peter Jackson to make me some rubber 84 00:04:47,963 --> 00:04:50,163 things peeping out the top, like that. 85 00:04:50,163 --> 00:04:52,163 And then if people go, "That's a bit of an '80s, 86 00:04:52,203 --> 00:04:57,483 contemporary sort of colour," I'll be spinning, and the centrifugal 87 00:04:57,523 --> 00:05:02,363 force of the greebles as I spin, that'll sort of blur, 88 00:05:02,403 --> 00:05:05,523 and you won't see that it's a modern item, you'll just go, 89 00:05:05,563 --> 00:05:09,003 "That's a spinning reverse wizard with a couple of greebles." 90 00:05:09,683 --> 00:05:11,003 Problem solved. 91 00:05:15,323 --> 00:05:16,683 And Sunil, same answer? 92 00:05:16,723 --> 00:05:18,643 Er. 93 00:05:18,683 --> 00:05:21,323 I think I'd just wear them as shorts. 94 00:05:23,843 --> 00:05:25,803 There must be somebody who would have worn a brightly 95 00:05:25,843 --> 00:05:28,283 coloured piece of clothing back in the day. 96 00:05:28,323 --> 00:05:30,003 - What would they be called? - Maybe it would be like... 97 00:05:30,003 --> 00:05:31,803 It has to be sort of an old, it would be like a... Thock. 98 00:05:31,843 --> 00:05:33,483 Thock. 99 00:05:33,523 --> 00:05:34,963 - Thock. - Thock. 100 00:05:35,003 --> 00:05:37,163 - Like "sock" with a lisp. - Yeah. 101 00:05:37,323 --> 00:05:42,403 He's like a traveller from ages ago, seven foot tall, big lad, 102 00:05:42,443 --> 00:05:44,723 able to handle himself, but he wore shorts. 103 00:05:44,723 --> 00:05:48,483 And make him relatable for all the fans, so they're on board. 104 00:05:48,523 --> 00:05:51,643 So just say he's, like, a virgin, still lives with his mum, 105 00:05:51,683 --> 00:05:54,603 and they'll be like, "Can't relate, can't relate." 106 00:05:54,603 --> 00:05:55,843 Yeah. 107 00:05:55,843 --> 00:05:57,443 What would you pair the shorts with? 108 00:05:57,443 --> 00:05:59,003 - Er. - A boner. 109 00:06:00,963 --> 00:06:02,683 A boner and no top. 110 00:06:02,723 --> 00:06:04,963 - A boner and no top? - Yeah. 111 00:06:05,003 --> 00:06:06,963 Trouble is, it's very much frowned down upon, 112 00:06:07,003 --> 00:06:11,083 having a large erection in Middle Earth, because of the, 113 00:06:11,123 --> 00:06:12,523 Hobbits. 114 00:06:12,563 --> 00:06:14,923 It's Hobbit height. 115 00:06:16,243 --> 00:06:17,443 Can I ask? 116 00:06:17,443 --> 00:06:20,083 So this character turns up and he's got the shorts and the boner, 117 00:06:20,083 --> 00:06:21,603 and he's called Thock. 118 00:06:21,643 --> 00:06:24,483 - Yeah. - And what's his backstory? 119 00:06:24,523 --> 00:06:27,563 Er, sort of wandering warrior monk type figure. 120 00:06:27,603 --> 00:06:30,843 - Could he be a warrior from Bermuda? - Yeah. 121 00:06:30,883 --> 00:06:34,923 Maybe that's where the ships that disappear in the Bermuda Triangle go. 122 00:06:34,963 --> 00:06:36,643 - Oh, yeah, to Middle Earth. - To Middle Earth. 123 00:06:36,683 --> 00:06:39,923 Oh, in that case I can just be a man who's fallen off a cruise ship 124 00:06:39,923 --> 00:06:43,843 and found myself amongst some Orcs. 125 00:06:43,883 --> 00:06:45,883 Yeah. Easy. 126 00:06:45,923 --> 00:06:47,883 So are you still going with Thock? 127 00:06:47,923 --> 00:06:49,123 No, I'm gonna be. 128 00:06:50,163 --> 00:06:52,603 You might as well just call yourself Graham. It doesn't really matter. 129 00:06:52,723 --> 00:06:54,443 Yeah, I'm Graham. I went on a cruise and now I'm here. 130 00:06:54,443 --> 00:06:56,523 - Still got the boner though. - I've still got the boner, yeah. 131 00:06:56,563 --> 00:06:59,403 If you've been on a cruise ship that's not going down any time soon. 132 00:06:59,443 --> 00:07:02,083 Yeah, I buy that. Do you buy it? 133 00:07:02,083 --> 00:07:04,283 I'm quite excited about that. 134 00:07:04,323 --> 00:07:06,923 If that was an episode in the new Lord of the Rings, 135 00:07:06,963 --> 00:07:09,323 and they were going, like, you know, they were really bringing in people 136 00:07:09,323 --> 00:07:11,403 from the real world into it, and you're going, "Oh man, 137 00:07:11,443 --> 00:07:13,283 "they're saying that the Bermuda Triangle is a gateway 138 00:07:13,323 --> 00:07:16,523 "to Middle Earth," I would be more excited about it than whatever 139 00:07:16,563 --> 00:07:19,603 it is they're actually gonna do, which sounds boring. 140 00:07:19,643 --> 00:07:21,803 Josh, didn't you once audition as a Hobbit? 141 00:07:21,803 --> 00:07:23,283 - I did, yeah. - Did you really? 142 00:07:23,283 --> 00:07:25,043 - Yeah, he did. - Yeah. 143 00:07:25,083 --> 00:07:27,123 We won't tell you how it went. 144 00:07:27,163 --> 00:07:30,043 Well, it didn't go well, clearly. 145 00:07:30,083 --> 00:07:32,323 - You didn't get the gig as a Hobbit? - No. 146 00:07:32,363 --> 00:07:34,403 I auditioned as the main Hobbit as well. 147 00:07:34,443 --> 00:07:36,043 - What's he called? - Martin Freeman? 148 00:07:36,083 --> 00:07:37,323 - Yeah. - Well. 149 00:07:38,603 --> 00:07:40,403 - Martin Freeman the Hobbit. - Do you know what? 150 00:07:40,403 --> 00:07:42,483 When it said that on the script I should have been worried. 151 00:07:43,843 --> 00:07:46,563 He didn't know anything about Lord of the Rings, anything about The Hobbit. 152 00:07:46,603 --> 00:07:49,643 I had to explain it to him, and he doesn't like fantasy films and stuff, 153 00:07:49,643 --> 00:07:52,283 and it was really funny, just being like, "So at one point 154 00:07:52,323 --> 00:07:56,003 there's a dragon." "Oh, you've got to be shitting me. What?" 155 00:07:57,043 --> 00:08:00,163 I didn't think I'd get the role, but to look at me I thought I'm 156 00:08:00,203 --> 00:08:03,443 a shoo-in for being flown out for some, you know, extras work. 157 00:08:03,443 --> 00:08:04,443 Yeah. 158 00:08:04,443 --> 00:08:06,523 At the back with a mead, that kind of. 159 00:08:06,523 --> 00:08:08,083 The only Hobbit wearing glasses. 160 00:08:10,523 --> 00:08:13,323 Right. Do you want to test who's got the best character here, James? 161 00:08:13,363 --> 00:08:15,963 Yeah, I think the best way to test it is to, 162 00:08:16,003 --> 00:08:17,683 like, literally see them on set. 163 00:08:17,723 --> 00:08:19,283 Do you wanna bring out the set then, James? 164 00:08:19,283 --> 00:08:21,123 Yeah, let's get the set out. Cliff! 165 00:08:21,123 --> 00:08:24,163 Cliff, bring the Lord of the Rings set out right now. 166 00:08:25,283 --> 00:08:28,363 His name is Cliff, he works in props. 167 00:08:28,403 --> 00:08:30,323 He sets them up, and could do better. 168 00:08:30,363 --> 00:08:32,923 Do you wanna play the director, James? 169 00:08:32,963 --> 00:08:36,243 Yeah, I'm gonna be the director of the new Lord of the Rings TV series. 170 00:08:36,283 --> 00:08:38,603 Very exciting. Um, I need a Hobbit though. 171 00:08:38,643 --> 00:08:41,643 I need a leading man. 172 00:08:41,683 --> 00:08:45,403 Maybe someone who's auditioned in the past and wants another bite 173 00:08:45,443 --> 00:08:47,083 of the cherry. 174 00:08:47,083 --> 00:08:50,163 - No. - Josh Widdicombe to set, please. 175 00:08:50,203 --> 00:08:52,123 I know you're not prepared. 176 00:08:53,683 --> 00:08:55,643 I'll be honest with you, James. 177 00:08:55,683 --> 00:08:59,363 This wig should have tipped me off where we were going. 178 00:08:59,363 --> 00:09:01,043 - Come on. - Yes. 179 00:09:01,043 --> 00:09:03,563 Here he comes, perfect for the role. Don't know why he didn't get it. 180 00:09:03,603 --> 00:09:05,963 - You look like the Queen. - Oh, you look the part. 181 00:09:05,963 --> 00:09:08,843 You look perfect for it. 182 00:09:08,843 --> 00:09:11,443 God, this takes me back. 183 00:09:11,483 --> 00:09:12,803 - OK. - So who am I? 184 00:09:12,843 --> 00:09:14,483 Bilbo Baggins. 185 00:09:14,523 --> 00:09:17,203 I want you walking in the forest, cause that's what most of the film 186 00:09:17,243 --> 00:09:18,883 is, is walking. 187 00:09:18,923 --> 00:09:23,723 And first of all I'd say we have Sunil, if you wanna crash this 188 00:09:23,763 --> 00:09:24,843 at any point you want. 189 00:09:24,883 --> 00:09:27,163 So, action. Action, Josh. 190 00:09:27,203 --> 00:09:29,643 Why has Gandalf chosen me for this quest? 191 00:09:29,683 --> 00:09:30,963 More. More Hobbity. 192 00:09:32,723 --> 00:09:35,323 - Why has Gandalf chosen me for this quest? - Yeah, yeah. 193 00:09:35,363 --> 00:09:38,003 I am but a humble Hobbit, not a brave warrior. 194 00:09:38,043 --> 00:09:40,803 Think about how much you love the ring. 195 00:09:42,363 --> 00:09:44,403 I've been travelling for too long now. 196 00:09:44,443 --> 00:09:46,803 My enormous hairy feet are so tired. 197 00:09:46,843 --> 00:09:48,003 OK. A guy seems to be... 198 00:09:48,003 --> 00:09:50,243 No, do you know what, mate? I'm all for improvs. 199 00:09:50,283 --> 00:09:51,803 Get in there. 200 00:09:51,803 --> 00:09:53,803 We'll go with what this guy's doing. I like his spirit. 201 00:09:53,803 --> 00:09:57,563 - OK. Who are you? - Oh, I just. 202 00:09:57,563 --> 00:09:58,923 I just got off a boat. 203 00:10:00,643 --> 00:10:01,883 It's over there. 204 00:10:03,403 --> 00:10:06,043 I was on holiday and now I just arrived here. 205 00:10:06,083 --> 00:10:08,083 - Where, am I? - You're in Middle Earth. 206 00:10:08,123 --> 00:10:09,683 Question his erection. 207 00:10:11,563 --> 00:10:13,883 I'm sorry, why have you got a stiffy? 208 00:10:13,923 --> 00:10:17,483 Oh, I was in the middle of something on the boat. 209 00:10:17,523 --> 00:10:20,603 Let's drill down into what he was in the middle of, please. 210 00:10:20,643 --> 00:10:23,883 - What were you in the middle of? - Er, just a bit of golf. 211 00:10:23,883 --> 00:10:25,163 And it gave you a stiffy? 212 00:10:25,203 --> 00:10:27,523 I get very excited with the game. 213 00:10:28,763 --> 00:10:31,123 Why are you in Middle Earth, and why is there a cruise liner behind you? 214 00:10:31,163 --> 00:10:33,243 I don't know, we just arrived here out of nowhere. 215 00:10:33,283 --> 00:10:35,403 What is Middle Earth? 216 00:10:35,443 --> 00:10:37,083 Er, you're asking the wrong person there. 217 00:10:41,203 --> 00:10:42,523 I think that's good from Sunil. 218 00:10:42,563 --> 00:10:43,923 I wanna see how Ross would deal with it now. 219 00:10:43,963 --> 00:10:44,963 - Right, OK, great. - OK, cool. 220 00:10:45,003 --> 00:10:46,963 Great stuff, Sunil. I believed you. 221 00:10:47,163 --> 00:10:50,963 Do you want some more, do you want some more of these? 222 00:10:51,003 --> 00:10:53,683 Yeah, yeah. I want you to talk about how much you love Middle Earth 223 00:10:53,723 --> 00:10:54,763 and walk along. 224 00:10:54,763 --> 00:10:56,123 Oh, man, I love Middle Earth. 225 00:10:56,363 --> 00:10:57,803 Knees higher. Knees higher. 226 00:10:57,803 --> 00:10:59,163 - Knees higher? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. 227 00:10:59,203 --> 00:11:01,883 Oh, man, I love Middle Earth. 228 00:11:01,923 --> 00:11:03,803 I can see someone coming. 229 00:11:03,843 --> 00:11:05,043 Are you back on the cruise ship? 230 00:11:11,763 --> 00:11:13,163 Hello. 231 00:11:13,163 --> 00:11:15,723 Ah, young Hobbit, you must listen to me. 232 00:11:15,763 --> 00:11:21,043 I have travelled, but do not look directly into my shorts, 233 00:11:21,083 --> 00:11:22,803 for you will die. 234 00:11:22,843 --> 00:11:26,123 These wonderful colours, they will enchant your eyes, 235 00:11:26,163 --> 00:11:28,323 and therefore I will spin. 236 00:11:31,923 --> 00:11:35,243 Don't look at me, Hobbit. Don't look at me. 237 00:11:35,243 --> 00:11:37,323 Look away. 238 00:11:37,323 --> 00:11:39,243 What's that on top of your head? 239 00:11:39,283 --> 00:11:41,443 Clearly greebles. Look at them. 240 00:11:43,883 --> 00:11:45,283 A new guy has just joined the scene. 241 00:11:45,323 --> 00:11:47,243 Can you do it sexier, please? 242 00:11:47,243 --> 00:11:51,003 Hobbit, your feet are hairy. 243 00:11:51,043 --> 00:11:52,603 Show me your buttocks. 244 00:11:55,403 --> 00:11:56,443 Sing a Hobbit song. 245 00:11:56,483 --> 00:11:58,243 Oh, come on now. 246 00:11:58,283 --> 00:12:00,083 Oh, Middle Earth. 247 00:12:00,123 --> 00:12:02,363 Oh, Middle Earth. 248 00:12:02,363 --> 00:12:06,283 You gave birth to tiny weevils. 249 00:12:06,323 --> 00:12:09,363 They grow quite big, they become greebles. 250 00:12:11,563 --> 00:12:13,123 I can't compete with that. 251 00:12:13,123 --> 00:12:14,523 Oh, for fuck's sake. 252 00:12:21,483 --> 00:12:25,723 Er, listen, I'm impressed with everyone there. 253 00:12:25,763 --> 00:12:26,923 Absolutely incredible work. 254 00:12:26,963 --> 00:12:28,843 You don't need to still be talking through it. 255 00:12:28,883 --> 00:12:31,723 It's hard to stop talking through it once you start. 256 00:12:31,763 --> 00:12:33,363 Er, you were both fantastic. 257 00:12:33,403 --> 00:12:38,283 I think Ross came up with, like, the more imaginative character, 258 00:12:38,323 --> 00:12:42,323 but Sunil came up with the more exhilarating backstory. 259 00:12:42,363 --> 00:12:44,843 I can do it again with an erection. 260 00:12:46,683 --> 00:12:48,643 I am gonna split the points, actually, Josh. 261 00:12:48,683 --> 00:12:50,963 I'm gonna give three points to Sunil, two points to Ross Noble. 262 00:12:51,003 --> 00:12:52,083 It was fantastic. 263 00:12:52,083 --> 00:12:54,323 Really strong. 264 00:12:56,643 --> 00:12:58,203 And James, is there a correct answer? 265 00:12:58,203 --> 00:12:59,403 There is a correct answer. 266 00:12:59,443 --> 00:13:02,723 You convince them to rebrand the Lord of the Rings series as Lord 267 00:13:02,763 --> 00:13:04,723 of the Rings. Hawaii Nights. 268 00:13:04,763 --> 00:13:07,923 Suddenly surf's up and everyone's wearing board shorts, baby. 269 00:13:07,963 --> 00:13:09,763 Not a million miles from Sunil's answer. 270 00:13:09,803 --> 00:13:11,963 I'm gonna give Sunil a bonus point for getting close 271 00:13:12,003 --> 00:13:13,003 to the correct answer. 272 00:13:13,043 --> 00:13:14,098 - Sweet. - It's time for James's Wishlist. 273 00:13:16,323 --> 00:13:21,323 Dreams can come true, look at me, babe, I'm with you. 274 00:13:23,083 --> 00:13:25,003 What you've got to remember is James recorded that. 275 00:13:26,643 --> 00:13:27,923 That's your first dream come true. 276 00:13:27,963 --> 00:13:29,283 Yeah. It felt like it needed something. 277 00:13:29,323 --> 00:13:30,843 I made the lyrics up off the top of my head, 278 00:13:30,883 --> 00:13:32,203 made up the melody. 279 00:13:33,963 --> 00:13:36,723 In this round we're gonna be picking something from James's ever-growing 280 00:13:36,763 --> 00:13:40,843 list of dreams, and our panels are gonna tell us how they'd 281 00:13:40,883 --> 00:13:41,923 make it happen. 282 00:13:41,963 --> 00:13:44,243 Best answer gets up to five points. 283 00:13:44,283 --> 00:13:45,763 So, James? 284 00:13:45,803 --> 00:13:48,963 By this time tomorrow I want a memory foam mattress containing 285 00:13:49,003 --> 00:13:53,043 an imprint of Andy Murray, and I want Lou and Angela to tell me 286 00:13:53,083 --> 00:13:54,203 how they'd do it. 287 00:13:54,203 --> 00:13:56,163 - Any rules? - Er, yeah, yeah, yeah. 288 00:13:56,203 --> 00:13:59,563 We'll provide the mattress, and if after a hundred days you're 289 00:13:59,603 --> 00:14:02,243 not happy with it you can return it for a full refund. 290 00:14:03,443 --> 00:14:05,923 The body print has to be of the actual Andy Murray, 291 00:14:05,963 --> 00:14:08,483 so you can't try and fob me off with a rubbish alternative. 292 00:14:09,603 --> 00:14:11,843 OK. Are you a fan of tennis, Angela? 293 00:14:11,883 --> 00:14:12,803 No, not remotely. 294 00:14:12,843 --> 00:14:15,043 I once got tricked into going to Wimbledon cause my friend told me 295 00:14:15,083 --> 00:14:16,363 it was a men's singles event. 296 00:14:16,363 --> 00:14:18,243 That's not right. 297 00:14:19,883 --> 00:14:21,003 You're not a fan of Andy Murray? 298 00:14:21,043 --> 00:14:23,563 No, I'm not a fan of any sport, really. 299 00:14:23,563 --> 00:14:26,883 And when you've got a sportsman who's also really boring, 300 00:14:26,923 --> 00:14:29,043 sort of a double whammy, really. 301 00:14:29,083 --> 00:14:31,363 Why are you shocked when she said he was boring? 302 00:14:31,403 --> 00:14:34,683 We've got categoric evidence that he's boring. 303 00:14:36,643 --> 00:14:39,483 Lou, are you a tennis / Andy Murray fan? 304 00:14:39,523 --> 00:14:41,523 I'm not exactly sure who he is. 305 00:14:41,523 --> 00:14:44,363 Try and say who you think Andy Murray is. 306 00:14:44,403 --> 00:14:48,523 OK. I think he's got brown hair, and his mum has been on the telly 307 00:14:48,563 --> 00:14:50,323 as well, and she's ever so proud of him. 308 00:14:50,363 --> 00:14:51,363 Yes. 309 00:14:51,363 --> 00:14:54,723 He's often wearing like a white, sort of tennis T-shirt. 310 00:14:56,643 --> 00:15:00,963 And there was a bit of a kerfor with him a couple of years ago. 311 00:15:01,003 --> 00:15:02,923 - He won Wimbledon? - Something, yeah. 312 00:15:04,203 --> 00:15:07,043 So that's my boy. Anyway, I think this would be quite easy. 313 00:15:07,083 --> 00:15:09,803 - Oh, yeah? - And everyone likes a free thing. 314 00:15:09,843 --> 00:15:11,643 So you're gonna go free stuff. 315 00:15:11,683 --> 00:15:14,643 So I'd go, "So, look, Andy, this is the best mattress in the world. 316 00:15:14,683 --> 00:15:17,323 "It's the one that Kim Kardashian uses. 317 00:15:17,363 --> 00:15:20,483 "Like, you know, it's like golden, it's yours for free, 318 00:15:20,523 --> 00:15:23,403 "and half the money goes to charity," and it does, 319 00:15:23,403 --> 00:15:25,163 I'm not even lying, because it's free. 320 00:15:25,163 --> 00:15:26,843 I've got to ask. When it's free... 321 00:15:26,883 --> 00:15:31,003 Yeah. Oh, the money goes to charity. 322 00:15:31,043 --> 00:15:33,323 I'm not spending a penny. 323 00:15:33,363 --> 00:15:36,843 And then it's a shit mattress. 324 00:15:36,883 --> 00:15:37,963 He doesn't know this. 325 00:15:38,003 --> 00:15:40,963 And then he lays on it and he's like, "I don't want this mattress," 326 00:15:41,003 --> 00:15:43,763 and he says, "Pick this mattress up," and then I've got the body 327 00:15:43,803 --> 00:15:45,043 of Andy Murray. 328 00:15:45,083 --> 00:15:46,083 The body? 329 00:15:48,083 --> 00:15:50,443 There's only one slight flaw in that, right? 330 00:15:50,483 --> 00:15:53,683 Andy Murray, famously, very slight man, isn't he? 331 00:15:53,723 --> 00:15:54,803 Very slight. 332 00:15:54,843 --> 00:15:57,283 - I don't think his impression... - Oh, sorry. 333 00:15:57,323 --> 00:16:00,403 I dye Andy Murray beforehand, top to tail. 334 00:16:00,443 --> 00:16:01,723 - You what? - I dye him. 335 00:16:01,723 --> 00:16:04,483 So then you've got the dye imprint. 336 00:16:04,483 --> 00:16:05,923 How are you dyeing him? 337 00:16:05,963 --> 00:16:10,163 I phone up from another company and offer him a spray tan. 338 00:16:12,403 --> 00:16:14,163 - And then... - Oh, that's a good... 339 00:16:14,163 --> 00:16:16,283 You know what? I'd buy that. 340 00:16:16,323 --> 00:16:20,083 Or I just get him in the spray tanning salon, and then push him 341 00:16:20,123 --> 00:16:21,403 against the mattress. 342 00:16:21,403 --> 00:16:22,723 Yeah, that's good, that's good. 343 00:16:22,723 --> 00:16:25,403 - You want an imprint, not a sort of. - Yeah. 344 00:16:25,443 --> 00:16:27,163 Yeah, I don't want a potato pressing, which is what. 345 00:16:27,203 --> 00:16:28,483 Yeah, yeah. 346 00:16:28,523 --> 00:16:31,443 I think saying that Andy Murray wants all this free stuff is just 347 00:16:31,483 --> 00:16:34,163 upholding that stereotype of Scottish people being tight, 348 00:16:34,203 --> 00:16:35,563 and I'm not having it. 349 00:16:35,603 --> 00:16:39,003 Someone's worried about calling him boring and trying to rebuild. 350 00:16:39,003 --> 00:16:40,803 Too right. 351 00:16:40,843 --> 00:16:46,763 So, I would invite Andy Murray to IKEA, Wimbledon branch. 352 00:16:46,803 --> 00:16:47,803 Yeah. 353 00:16:47,843 --> 00:16:52,123 So it's in June, and I go to Wimbledon, and what I'd do, 354 00:16:52,163 --> 00:16:53,763 I'd also tell him that I'm on Mock the Week, 355 00:16:53,803 --> 00:16:55,163 cause he likes going to see that. 356 00:16:55,203 --> 00:16:56,203 He does. 357 00:16:56,203 --> 00:16:58,043 He's been in the audience on Mock of the Week a few times. 358 00:16:58,043 --> 00:17:00,043 - So I reckon then he'll want to meet me, right? - Yeah. 359 00:17:00,083 --> 00:17:03,843 So he'll come and meet me, and I'll go, "I'd really love 360 00:17:03,883 --> 00:17:07,643 "to chat, Andy, but I need to buy some tealights. 361 00:17:07,683 --> 00:17:11,803 "I'm getting low, cause, you know, I last went to IKEA ten years ago 362 00:17:11,843 --> 00:17:13,043 "and I've just run out." 363 00:17:13,083 --> 00:17:14,443 Yeah. 364 00:17:14,483 --> 00:17:18,283 "So do you want to come with me to IKEA, and then we can chat, 365 00:17:18,323 --> 00:17:20,723 "you know, I can tell you everything you want to know about Dara. 366 00:17:20,723 --> 00:17:22,123 "I can tell you all the gossip." Oh, yeah? 367 00:17:22,123 --> 00:17:24,443 Let's play this out, cause I want to hear it, all this stuff about Dara. 368 00:17:24,483 --> 00:17:25,443 OK, yeah, yeah. 369 00:17:25,483 --> 00:17:28,003 - Do you want me to be Andy Murray? - Yeah. 370 00:17:28,043 --> 00:17:29,363 OK. 371 00:17:29,363 --> 00:17:31,603 - That's my costume. - OK. 372 00:17:33,723 --> 00:17:38,763 Er, so I'm just at Wimbledon, just backstage. 373 00:17:38,803 --> 00:17:40,363 So, Andy, how do you feel about... 374 00:17:40,403 --> 00:17:42,243 - Oh, hello. Who, are you? - Sorry, your mum let me in. 375 00:17:42,283 --> 00:17:44,203 She said you might want to meet me, cause, 376 00:17:44,203 --> 00:17:45,923 I'm on that panel show, Mock the Week. I know you... 377 00:17:45,923 --> 00:17:47,483 WHAT? 378 00:17:50,843 --> 00:17:56,443 Read all about it, news of the world, news of the world. 379 00:17:59,923 --> 00:18:01,963 I love Mock the Week. 380 00:18:01,963 --> 00:18:03,523 Ask her what Dara's like. 381 00:18:03,563 --> 00:18:04,643 What's Dara like? 382 00:18:04,683 --> 00:18:06,803 He's, very famously Irish. 383 00:18:06,843 --> 00:18:09,683 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, dish the dirt. 384 00:18:11,363 --> 00:18:16,163 I will dish the dirt, but I've got to get to IKEA before it shuts. 385 00:18:16,203 --> 00:18:17,883 Oh, but I want to hear all this gossip. 386 00:18:17,883 --> 00:18:22,083 I need to buy some tealights and a memory foam mattress. 387 00:18:22,123 --> 00:18:23,483 If you want you can come with me. 388 00:18:23,483 --> 00:18:25,403 - We could chat about Dara on the way. - Uh-huh. 389 00:18:25,443 --> 00:18:27,443 And then you could help me buy the mattress. What do you reckon? 390 00:18:27,443 --> 00:18:28,963 I think that sounds like a great idea. 391 00:18:29,083 --> 00:18:31,523 - One little question before we go. - Yeah. 392 00:18:31,523 --> 00:18:34,563 Er, what is the most unlikely thing to hear as a dentist? 393 00:18:36,803 --> 00:18:38,003 - Do you buy that? - Yeah, yeah. 394 00:18:38,043 --> 00:18:39,643 - Very strong. - I'd follow you into IKEA. 395 00:18:39,683 --> 00:18:42,443 Yeah. How do you feel about Lou's tanning salon, pushing him 396 00:18:42,483 --> 00:18:43,563 against a mattress? 397 00:18:43,563 --> 00:18:46,043 I'm gonna be honest, I think it's dead in the water, but. 398 00:18:48,563 --> 00:18:50,563 I do want to see how it would play out. 399 00:18:50,603 --> 00:18:52,643 OK. James, have we got any props? 400 00:18:52,683 --> 00:18:53,643 Yeah, it's right there. 401 00:18:53,683 --> 00:18:54,923 Oh, yeah. 402 00:18:54,963 --> 00:18:56,883 - A memory foam mattress. - A memory foam mattress. 403 00:18:56,883 --> 00:18:59,443 OK, you come in, and you come into the spray salon. 404 00:18:59,483 --> 00:19:00,963 - Yeah. - OK? And... 405 00:19:00,963 --> 00:19:02,563 This is the spray salon. I haven't been tanned yet. 406 00:19:02,563 --> 00:19:04,243 Spray salon. Got my racquet with me, as always. 407 00:19:04,243 --> 00:19:06,283 You're Andy Murray. Um. 408 00:19:06,283 --> 00:19:07,483 Better not be tanned through this. 409 00:19:08,803 --> 00:19:10,763 If it sprays me through this I'll be in big trouble. 410 00:19:10,803 --> 00:19:12,083 OK, you can put the racquet down. 411 00:19:12,123 --> 00:19:13,763 Never. I never put my racquet down. 412 00:19:13,763 --> 00:19:15,923 I'm Andy Murray! 413 00:19:15,963 --> 00:19:19,283 And then you'll come into the solarium to do your spray tan. 414 00:19:19,283 --> 00:19:20,763 - Oh. - This is just the room. 415 00:19:20,763 --> 00:19:22,843 - I'll just step in here for my spray tan. - Yeah? 416 00:19:22,883 --> 00:19:24,603 And apparently, cause of COVID, I'm not allowed to get 417 00:19:24,603 --> 00:19:25,643 you on the mattress. 418 00:19:25,803 --> 00:19:27,963 It's either COVID or it's cause I'm a bit Me Too-y. 419 00:19:29,643 --> 00:19:31,283 I think we know which one it is. 420 00:19:32,683 --> 00:19:34,923 - I need to just push the mattress into you. - Huh? 421 00:19:34,923 --> 00:19:37,003 Need to just push the mattress? 422 00:19:39,283 --> 00:19:41,923 Cause I'm not allowed to touch you, but the mattress is, 423 00:19:41,923 --> 00:19:44,883 and then you just pop yourself down on there. 424 00:19:44,883 --> 00:19:46,203 There we go. 425 00:19:46,203 --> 00:19:50,683 And then I just bring that to Josh, and that's Andy Murray. 426 00:19:50,683 --> 00:19:51,923 Are you doing the steps as well? 427 00:19:58,043 --> 00:19:59,883 And there we go. 428 00:20:06,403 --> 00:20:08,523 There's only one way to find out. Did it leave an imprint, James? 429 00:20:08,563 --> 00:20:10,203 Could you just... 430 00:20:13,483 --> 00:20:14,923 Success. 431 00:20:15,243 --> 00:20:16,483 Oh, wow. 432 00:20:17,963 --> 00:20:19,523 Really successful. 433 00:20:19,563 --> 00:20:21,043 Well, James, James, James. 434 00:20:21,083 --> 00:20:22,803 Two very strong answers. 435 00:20:22,843 --> 00:20:28,643 We've got Lou's attack in a tanning salon, and Angela selling Dara down 436 00:20:28,683 --> 00:20:31,643 the river in an attempt to win over Andy Murray. 437 00:20:31,683 --> 00:20:36,123 Yeah. Look, I know that we've seen that that would technically work. 438 00:20:36,163 --> 00:20:37,883 We saw the imprint there. 439 00:20:37,923 --> 00:20:41,443 But I've got to say, I actually can't see Andy Murray 440 00:20:41,483 --> 00:20:43,483 saying yes to the free tan and the free mattress. 441 00:20:43,483 --> 00:20:44,963 I don't think he'd care that they were free. 442 00:20:44,963 --> 00:20:46,403 Oh, you can see him going down IKEA, can you? 443 00:20:46,403 --> 00:20:50,163 I can see him being so enamoured with a star of Mock the Week 444 00:20:50,203 --> 00:20:52,043 he would follow her anywhere. 445 00:20:52,083 --> 00:20:53,643 I'm gonna have to give the points to Angela Barnes. 446 00:20:53,683 --> 00:20:54,963 I'm gonna give her the full five points. 447 00:20:55,003 --> 00:20:56,723 The full five points to Angela Barnes! 448 00:20:58,883 --> 00:21:00,843 OK. 449 00:21:00,883 --> 00:21:02,203 Where does that leave the points, James? 450 00:21:02,243 --> 00:21:05,123 Lovely Mums have four points and Waterstones are in the lead 451 00:21:05,163 --> 00:21:06,243 with seven points. 452 00:21:06,283 --> 00:21:07,283 Seven points. 453 00:21:08,243 --> 00:21:11,283 Next up it's the Great Wall of Celebrities. 454 00:21:15,123 --> 00:21:16,083 Whoa. 455 00:21:16,083 --> 00:21:18,643 We need Jackie Weaver to keep this Zoom call in line. 456 00:21:18,643 --> 00:21:21,803 Teams, you must take it in turns to pick a celeb and guess how 457 00:21:21,843 --> 00:21:23,843 they answered a tricky hypothetical. 458 00:21:23,883 --> 00:21:27,043 Each question is worth one juicy point. 459 00:21:27,083 --> 00:21:29,843 OK, Waterstones, who are you going to pick? 460 00:21:29,883 --> 00:21:31,043 Kadeena Cox? 461 00:21:31,083 --> 00:21:32,723 I quite liked her on MasterChef. 462 00:21:32,763 --> 00:21:36,243 We said to Kadeena Cox the wheels on your bike are missing 463 00:21:36,283 --> 00:21:39,523 and you have to replace them with something else round. 464 00:21:39,563 --> 00:21:40,603 What do you choose? 465 00:21:40,643 --> 00:21:42,603 I love a bit of sport, right? 466 00:21:42,603 --> 00:21:45,483 Not all the Olympics and that, but the Gloucestershire... 467 00:21:45,483 --> 00:21:47,803 - The cheese. - Cheese rolling, right? 468 00:21:47,803 --> 00:21:48,803 Oh. 469 00:21:48,803 --> 00:21:52,643 Now if she's an Olympian, and then she's got a big Gloucester 470 00:21:52,683 --> 00:21:56,283 wheel of cheese, one at the front, one at the back, all them lads 471 00:21:56,323 --> 00:21:59,323 are running down the hill, trying to keep up with the cheese. 472 00:21:59,363 --> 00:22:00,443 She's got one in front. 473 00:22:00,483 --> 00:22:03,163 She's always gonna be ahead of the back wheel. 474 00:22:03,203 --> 00:22:04,283 Yes. 475 00:22:04,283 --> 00:22:07,363 So she's gonna win the event, extra medal for her. 476 00:22:07,403 --> 00:22:10,883 In fact, if she was to get close to the bottom, 477 00:22:10,923 --> 00:22:15,563 start applying the brakes, the friction and heat, oh, fromage. 478 00:22:15,603 --> 00:22:16,603 Fondue. 479 00:22:20,283 --> 00:22:22,883 But there again she is a sportsperson and therefore 480 00:22:22,923 --> 00:22:24,363 probably dull. 481 00:22:24,403 --> 00:22:28,803 So, probably gonna be something not that, is it? 482 00:22:28,843 --> 00:22:30,403 It's gonna be, like, records, or. 483 00:22:30,443 --> 00:22:33,243 Mmm. Bap, or a. 484 00:22:33,283 --> 00:22:34,763 - A bap. - I think, yeah. 485 00:22:34,763 --> 00:22:37,123 Couple of lovely floury baps. 486 00:22:37,163 --> 00:22:40,763 So your options are cheese or a couple of lovely floury baps. 487 00:22:40,763 --> 00:22:42,003 What are you gonna go for? 488 00:22:42,043 --> 00:22:45,603 I think cheese is our answer, but I think hers will 489 00:22:45,643 --> 00:22:46,923 be floury baps. 490 00:22:46,963 --> 00:22:48,563 Let's have a look. 491 00:22:48,603 --> 00:22:52,603 I think I would choose a Jammie Dodger, so if I get hungry 492 00:22:52,643 --> 00:22:54,483 I can have a little nibble along the way. 493 00:22:54,523 --> 00:22:56,523 Jammie Dodger. 494 00:22:56,563 --> 00:22:58,403 No points. 495 00:22:58,443 --> 00:23:00,603 Sunil and Lou, who would you like to choose? 496 00:23:00,643 --> 00:23:02,563 - Motivator? - Yeah, Motivator, Mr, please. 497 00:23:02,603 --> 00:23:03,603 OK. 498 00:23:03,643 --> 00:23:05,203 You're a '90s icon. 499 00:23:06,483 --> 00:23:10,483 Which of these '90s fads would you choose to permanently adopt? 500 00:23:10,523 --> 00:23:13,883 Making all your calls on a huge mobile phone, 501 00:23:13,923 --> 00:23:17,843 wearing the Spice Girls Impulse perfume, or telling everyone 502 00:23:17,883 --> 00:23:19,923 you meet to talk to the hand. 503 00:23:19,963 --> 00:23:23,803 Can I just say, for full disclosure, I used to be 504 00:23:23,843 --> 00:23:27,003 Mr Motivator's warm-up man? 505 00:23:27,163 --> 00:23:30,123 What? You motivated the crowd before Mr Motivator? 506 00:23:30,123 --> 00:23:32,523 Exactly. Exactly. 507 00:23:32,563 --> 00:23:34,123 I worked with him quite a lot. 508 00:23:34,163 --> 00:23:35,763 - Really? - In the mid '90s. 509 00:23:35,803 --> 00:23:37,323 He was at the height of his fame. 510 00:23:37,363 --> 00:23:38,763 He's a lovely bloke. Derek. 511 00:23:38,803 --> 00:23:40,043 Derek Evans, his real name is. 512 00:23:40,083 --> 00:23:43,043 Do not ruin it. 513 00:23:43,083 --> 00:23:46,283 The best one ever, right, Mr Motivator, he was on the beach, 514 00:23:46,323 --> 00:23:49,723 and there was like hundreds of people in a big circle, 515 00:23:49,763 --> 00:23:52,643 like that, and he had an earpiece, right, but everyone was listening 516 00:23:52,683 --> 00:23:55,723 through speakers, and he stood there like that, and he's going, 517 00:23:55,763 --> 00:23:57,763 "Oh, yeah, come on. Work it up. Step it up," 518 00:23:57,763 --> 00:24:01,203 And everyone's copying, and his earpiece went down, and he went... 519 00:24:01,203 --> 00:24:03,243 And a thousand people went... 520 00:24:08,683 --> 00:24:11,843 What do you reckon? You've got some inside goss there. 521 00:24:11,843 --> 00:24:12,923 Oh, God. 522 00:24:12,963 --> 00:24:14,043 Well, it looks like A, doesn't it? 523 00:24:14,083 --> 00:24:16,203 - Yeah, I think A. - Gotta be the big phone. 524 00:24:16,243 --> 00:24:17,443 Cause he's very amenable. 525 00:24:17,483 --> 00:24:19,283 He wouldn't want to go "talk to the hand". 526 00:24:19,323 --> 00:24:21,323 It's too frosty. He's not that guy. 527 00:24:21,363 --> 00:24:23,123 He's a big personality, big phone, yeah. 528 00:24:23,163 --> 00:24:25,603 Let's see. Talk to the hand, baby. 529 00:24:25,643 --> 00:24:26,723 Oh, no. 530 00:24:26,723 --> 00:24:28,443 - Oh, Derek. - That's ruined it. 531 00:24:28,443 --> 00:24:29,643 He's changed! 532 00:24:31,403 --> 00:24:33,123 - Wow. - No points. 533 00:24:33,163 --> 00:24:35,323 Waterstones, who are you gonna go for? 534 00:24:35,363 --> 00:24:38,283 Let's go for the self-styled colourful vicar. 535 00:24:38,323 --> 00:24:40,403 - Yeah, Rev Bottley. - Rev Bottley. 536 00:24:40,443 --> 00:24:44,163 Your agent says that to attract a lucrative vegan market you have 537 00:24:44,203 --> 00:24:47,243 to change your last name to a vegetable. 538 00:24:47,283 --> 00:24:48,763 - Right. - Which do you choose? 539 00:24:48,803 --> 00:24:51,083 It's gonna be something God-bother-y, isn't it? 540 00:24:51,123 --> 00:24:54,323 It's got to be. It's got to be something, ah. 541 00:24:54,363 --> 00:24:57,403 Something that represents the Holy Trinity. 542 00:24:57,403 --> 00:25:00,123 A radish. Upside down radish. 543 00:25:00,163 --> 00:25:02,563 So she'd be called Reverend Kate Upside Down Radish. 544 00:25:02,603 --> 00:25:04,363 Yeah. 545 00:25:04,403 --> 00:25:08,443 Open brackets, to represent the Holy Trinity, close brackets. 546 00:25:08,483 --> 00:25:09,643 Again, that's our answer. 547 00:25:09,683 --> 00:25:11,963 I think hers might be broccoli. 548 00:25:12,003 --> 00:25:14,603 - Shall we see? - I'd be Kate Potato. 549 00:25:14,643 --> 00:25:15,723 Everyone loves a potato. 550 00:25:15,763 --> 00:25:19,563 They're round, they're homely, they're easy to handle and they're 551 00:25:19,603 --> 00:25:22,083 often covered in dirt, bit like me. 552 00:25:24,163 --> 00:25:26,843 What is she talking about? 553 00:25:26,883 --> 00:25:28,643 OK, Sunil and Lou, who are you going for? 554 00:25:28,683 --> 00:25:30,243 - Susie Dent, I think. - Susie Dent. 555 00:25:30,243 --> 00:25:34,083 Every time you go outside, Susie Dent, you must wear 556 00:25:34,123 --> 00:25:38,123 a four-foot protruding codpiece, plastic stag do boobs, 557 00:25:38,163 --> 00:25:39,443 or bum hat. 558 00:25:42,163 --> 00:25:44,163 - Bum hat? - I think she'd go bum hat. 559 00:25:44,203 --> 00:25:45,443 I think bum hat. 560 00:25:45,443 --> 00:25:47,923 Surely for Sunil it should be the codpiece to hide his boner. 561 00:25:47,963 --> 00:25:49,243 Yeah, you'd think so. 562 00:25:49,283 --> 00:25:51,203 I think, stag do boobs. 563 00:25:52,363 --> 00:25:54,563 - That's what you'd wear? - They're fun, isn't it? Yeah. 564 00:25:54,563 --> 00:25:58,923 My dad ran a sex shop for a living, and when he died, in the funeral 565 00:25:58,963 --> 00:26:02,083 director's they'd laid this sort of lacy pillow under his head, 566 00:26:02,123 --> 00:26:04,283 and I didn't think it was right, so I went out and bought inflatable 567 00:26:04,323 --> 00:26:05,843 boobs and put them under. 568 00:26:05,843 --> 00:26:08,603 My dad's still alive, but I'm gonna do that for him as well. 569 00:26:08,643 --> 00:26:11,563 - Yeah. I think it's what he'd want. - Yeah, yeah. 570 00:26:11,603 --> 00:26:12,883 What are you gonna go for? 571 00:26:12,883 --> 00:26:13,883 - Bum hat. - Bum hat. 572 00:26:13,883 --> 00:26:15,603 Bum hat. 573 00:26:15,643 --> 00:26:20,163 I'm going to go with the codpiece, and I'm gonna make it a really 574 00:26:20,203 --> 00:26:26,363 special, dazzling, bejewelled codpiece, like Henry VIII apparently 575 00:26:26,403 --> 00:26:28,643 had, and it was huge, too. 576 00:26:28,683 --> 00:26:30,603 You think you know someone. 577 00:26:32,043 --> 00:26:35,043 No points. That is the end of that round. 578 00:26:38,003 --> 00:26:40,283 But of course we'll see the celebrities again at the end 579 00:26:40,323 --> 00:26:43,843 of the show for Big Hat Small Hat, if they can stay off the drink. 580 00:26:43,883 --> 00:26:45,763 We're looking at you Motivator. 581 00:26:45,803 --> 00:26:47,483 He's a nightmare after a few Lucozades. 582 00:26:47,523 --> 00:26:51,323 Time for our next round, which is Not For a Million Quid. 583 00:26:56,363 --> 00:26:59,363 OK. James, what would you do if you had a million quid? 584 00:26:59,403 --> 00:27:03,083 Er, I'd make a lot of calamari, Josh. 585 00:27:03,083 --> 00:27:04,683 A million quid, not squid. 586 00:27:06,283 --> 00:27:07,443 I heard you. 587 00:27:09,203 --> 00:27:12,483 In this round we want to know how much you'd need to be paid to live 588 00:27:12,523 --> 00:27:14,563 through a hypothetical situation. 589 00:27:14,603 --> 00:27:17,123 The lowest bidder has to tell us how they'd do it. 590 00:27:17,163 --> 00:27:19,403 There's three points on offer if we think you could pull it off, 591 00:27:19,443 --> 00:27:22,923 and if I don't believe your bid is genuine I'll disqualify you. 592 00:27:22,963 --> 00:27:27,963 The question is how much to endure this for one year? 593 00:27:28,003 --> 00:27:31,163 Every time you have a conversation with someone you have to give 594 00:27:31,203 --> 00:27:32,483 them a bollocking. 595 00:27:33,843 --> 00:27:34,923 James, the rules. 596 00:27:34,963 --> 00:27:37,883 Every time you talk to someone you have to find something specific 597 00:27:37,923 --> 00:27:39,443 to give them a proper bollocking about. 598 00:27:39,483 --> 00:27:42,203 For example, their stupid glasses, their weird, 599 00:27:42,243 --> 00:27:44,763 like, navy jacket or their nasal voice. 600 00:27:44,803 --> 00:27:47,203 - What? - You know, their stupid. 601 00:27:47,203 --> 00:27:48,243 - What? - Stupid. 602 00:27:48,283 --> 00:27:49,203 What? 603 00:27:49,243 --> 00:27:51,403 Also, it has to be a true bollocking, right? 604 00:27:51,443 --> 00:27:54,123 We're talking raised voices, pointed fingers and aggressive 605 00:27:54,163 --> 00:27:55,923 language, the full hair dryer treatment. 606 00:27:55,963 --> 00:27:58,883 And just to be clear, giving someone a bollocking isn't 607 00:27:58,923 --> 00:28:01,043 the same thing as tea-bagging someone. 608 00:28:03,683 --> 00:28:08,683 It's tricky, innit, cause I do quite enjoy being confrontational. 609 00:28:08,723 --> 00:28:12,203 Like I was doing the school run, and one of the other parents had 610 00:28:12,243 --> 00:28:14,923 parked really quite badly, and I went, "You happy 611 00:28:14,963 --> 00:28:17,603 with that?" You know. 612 00:28:17,643 --> 00:28:20,163 My wife said, "That's a bit of a dickish thing to do." It 613 00:28:20,203 --> 00:28:21,523 made me feel happy. 614 00:28:24,803 --> 00:28:27,803 Do you find that you hate motorists more because you're on the bike 615 00:28:27,843 --> 00:28:28,763 a lot of the time? 616 00:28:28,803 --> 00:28:31,603 Yeah, there's an element of that, but I just think there's no excuse 617 00:28:31,643 --> 00:28:32,763 for bad parking, is there? 618 00:28:32,803 --> 00:28:34,883 - No, there's no excuse. - No excuse, you know. 619 00:28:34,923 --> 00:28:40,083 James, do not go around accusing people of being bad drivers. 620 00:28:40,123 --> 00:28:42,363 You've had three crashes. 621 00:28:42,403 --> 00:28:45,803 Yeah, but only three of them have been my fault. 622 00:28:48,483 --> 00:28:52,163 Have we got any questions about how this would play out for you? 623 00:28:52,203 --> 00:28:54,883 Do we have to live our lives as we normally would? 624 00:28:54,923 --> 00:28:57,323 - Well, no, you can adapt your life. - What are you thinking? 625 00:28:57,363 --> 00:28:59,683 I can't just, like, lock myself in a room and just order stuff 626 00:28:59,723 --> 00:29:00,803 on the Internet? 627 00:29:00,803 --> 00:29:03,723 I mean, imagine just being in your home for most of a year. 628 00:29:05,443 --> 00:29:07,403 Just on the Internet all the time. 629 00:29:07,443 --> 00:29:09,363 Well, good luck enduring that, Sunil. 630 00:29:11,603 --> 00:29:13,003 Who do you want to go first? 631 00:29:13,003 --> 00:29:15,363 I think we start with Lou, work our way round. 632 00:29:15,403 --> 00:29:16,403 OK. 633 00:29:16,643 --> 00:29:18,963 £3 million. 634 00:29:19,003 --> 00:29:21,443 Because you can have a nice house but you'd be really lonely. 635 00:29:21,483 --> 00:29:23,403 - No one would come round. - Yeah. 636 00:29:23,443 --> 00:29:27,763 That's like my life now, really, without the money. 637 00:29:27,803 --> 00:29:29,443 What price have you put on ruining your life, Sunil? 638 00:29:29,443 --> 00:29:32,043 £100,000. 639 00:29:35,203 --> 00:29:37,083 Why are you putting such a small price on stuff? I mean. 640 00:29:37,123 --> 00:29:38,203 Is that small? OK. 641 00:29:38,243 --> 00:29:39,603 100,000? 642 00:29:39,643 --> 00:29:41,923 For a year off, like a gap year. 643 00:29:42,923 --> 00:29:44,803 A year off from people? 644 00:29:46,043 --> 00:29:47,243 You can't see your mum. 645 00:29:47,283 --> 00:29:48,963 If you do you've got to say, you know. 646 00:29:49,003 --> 00:29:52,603 Yeah. I've just got to bollock my... OK, I'm happy to bollock my mum. 647 00:29:52,643 --> 00:29:57,843 We all are, but, you know, think beyond that. 648 00:29:57,843 --> 00:29:59,683 - Angela, what have you gone for? - I've gone really high. 649 00:29:59,683 --> 00:30:03,403 I've gone five million, cause I, like, I don't like it. 650 00:30:03,443 --> 00:30:06,163 I don't like being mean to people. Passive aggression, sure. 651 00:30:06,243 --> 00:30:08,243 - Oh, mate. - I can do that. 652 00:30:08,243 --> 00:30:11,483 But actual aggression, it upsets me too much. 653 00:30:11,523 --> 00:30:12,923 I'd need to be paid the big bucks. 654 00:30:12,963 --> 00:30:14,603 - Uh-huh. - Ross? 655 00:30:14,643 --> 00:30:18,923 I went exact, well, actually, I went 100,000 Euro. 656 00:30:20,483 --> 00:30:21,763 We've never had that before, 657 00:30:21,763 --> 00:30:24,443 where we've had to do a quick exchange rate in the gallery. 658 00:30:24,443 --> 00:30:26,043 Ross is the lowest one. 659 00:30:26,083 --> 00:30:28,523 - So, sorry, Sunil. - It's a confusing situation. 660 00:30:28,563 --> 00:30:31,323 A man who lives in Australia and is in England has chosen 661 00:30:31,363 --> 00:30:33,043 to do euros. 662 00:30:33,083 --> 00:30:36,083 I'm an international kind of guy. 663 00:30:36,123 --> 00:30:37,883 Are you a good bollocker? 664 00:30:40,963 --> 00:30:42,443 I think you'd quite relish this. 665 00:30:42,483 --> 00:30:45,523 Yeah, I do, I do like having a... 666 00:30:45,563 --> 00:30:47,683 I do like, yeah. 667 00:30:47,723 --> 00:30:49,243 Shall we just play out one of those very quickly? 668 00:30:49,243 --> 00:30:51,443 The kind of situation you can't get out of. 669 00:30:51,443 --> 00:30:53,523 - Yeah. A wedding? - Yeah, a wedding. 670 00:30:53,563 --> 00:30:56,643 Maybe I'm a happy groom, and I've invited you, 671 00:30:56,683 --> 00:30:58,083 my friend, to my wedding. 672 00:30:58,123 --> 00:30:59,363 James, have you got any props for us? 673 00:30:59,403 --> 00:31:02,003 - Yeah, right there. - Oh, yeah, my mistake. 674 00:31:02,043 --> 00:31:03,643 So who do you want to play? 675 00:31:03,683 --> 00:31:05,243 I'm gonna be the groom. It's gonna be my wedding. 676 00:31:05,283 --> 00:31:06,563 I've invited Ross. 677 00:31:06,603 --> 00:31:08,003 This is the reception. 678 00:31:08,043 --> 00:31:10,603 I've had such a great day. 679 00:31:10,643 --> 00:31:11,803 Everything has gone right. 680 00:31:11,843 --> 00:31:13,003 Yeah, nothing can ruin this. 681 00:31:13,043 --> 00:31:14,363 The weather held out. 682 00:31:14,403 --> 00:31:16,203 Perfect weather. 683 00:31:16,243 --> 00:31:18,683 Oh, I'm so happy. Ah. 684 00:31:18,723 --> 00:31:20,283 - You discarded your... - Oh, thank you, Ross. 685 00:31:20,283 --> 00:31:21,883 - How many times have I told you? - Whoa! 686 00:31:21,923 --> 00:31:24,203 Don't drop flowers on the floor. 687 00:31:27,403 --> 00:31:30,523 There's kids around here, sliding around on the floor at low 688 00:31:30,563 --> 00:31:33,803 levels, and some of them, some of them have got allergies, 689 00:31:33,843 --> 00:31:36,323 and you drop that on the floor, they're sneezing up, 690 00:31:36,363 --> 00:31:39,003 it's going into all of this wood, slipping about. 691 00:31:39,043 --> 00:31:40,003 There's pensioners. 692 00:31:40,043 --> 00:31:43,883 They'll fall on the muscus-y floor, thanks to you and your lack 693 00:31:43,923 --> 00:31:47,403 of pollen-based, antics. 694 00:31:47,443 --> 00:31:48,443 You're right. 695 00:31:48,483 --> 00:31:51,883 Oh, talking of pensioners, wait there. 696 00:31:51,923 --> 00:31:55,043 Stop talking about pensioners. 697 00:31:55,043 --> 00:31:58,043 They creep me out, sucking on their Werther's Originals. 698 00:31:58,043 --> 00:31:59,963 I'm sick of it. 699 00:31:59,963 --> 00:32:02,643 I'm just gonna go and check on my grandfather. 700 00:32:02,643 --> 00:32:04,003 Where are you? 701 00:32:04,043 --> 00:32:06,283 I'm sat here. You've left me alone at the table. 702 00:32:06,283 --> 00:32:07,563 Unbel... Oh. 703 00:32:11,883 --> 00:32:13,523 Whoa. 704 00:32:13,523 --> 00:32:15,363 Oh, hello. 705 00:32:15,443 --> 00:32:16,803 Have you seen my grandson? 706 00:32:16,843 --> 00:32:18,643 He got married today. 707 00:32:18,683 --> 00:32:20,683 I came to see him. 708 00:32:20,723 --> 00:32:22,643 - Just wanted to say. - See him? See him? 709 00:32:22,683 --> 00:32:24,163 - That's what you're doing, is it? - Yeah. 710 00:32:24,203 --> 00:32:27,403 You're an old man. I can see from here you've got cataracts. 711 00:32:29,083 --> 00:32:30,563 So you didn't come to see him, did you? 712 00:32:30,603 --> 00:32:33,003 You came to be in the same space as him. 713 00:32:33,043 --> 00:32:35,603 So stop pissing on my back and telling me it's raining. 714 00:32:41,123 --> 00:32:45,763 - I didn't mean to... - Use that walking frame properly! 715 00:32:45,803 --> 00:32:47,323 You're just using the wheels. 716 00:32:47,363 --> 00:32:51,963 You're supposed to put the things down to create a bit of purchase. 717 00:32:52,003 --> 00:32:54,683 Do you know what? I'd love to be like this. 718 00:32:54,723 --> 00:32:58,083 My step-dad is exactly like this all the time. 719 00:32:58,083 --> 00:32:59,683 Ah, hello. 720 00:32:59,723 --> 00:33:00,803 Hello, Ross. 721 00:33:00,843 --> 00:33:04,803 Er, I don't suppose you've seen my grandfather? 722 00:33:04,843 --> 00:33:06,003 My brother got married today. 723 00:33:06,043 --> 00:33:07,883 Have you met my new baby? Lovely little... 724 00:33:07,923 --> 00:33:09,763 She's just learning to talk. 725 00:33:09,803 --> 00:33:11,723 Hello, Ross. 726 00:33:11,763 --> 00:33:14,683 Oh, my baby is talking to you. 727 00:33:14,723 --> 00:33:17,603 You're a tiny baby. You're a tiny baby. 728 00:33:17,643 --> 00:33:19,843 How are you even able to talk? 729 00:33:19,883 --> 00:33:24,323 You can't talk, and he is clearly a ventriloquist, right? 730 00:33:24,363 --> 00:33:27,483 Peel that face off. You'd better not be Nina Conti. 731 00:33:33,363 --> 00:33:35,683 - James? - Well, obviously Ross could do it. 732 00:33:35,723 --> 00:33:37,923 Stop talking to the audience. 733 00:33:37,963 --> 00:33:39,443 Sorry, are we still doing it? 734 00:33:41,923 --> 00:33:43,003 James, what do you think? 735 00:33:43,043 --> 00:33:44,923 Oh, full three points to Ross Noble. 736 00:33:44,963 --> 00:33:46,283 Of course he could do it. 737 00:33:48,323 --> 00:33:49,883 It's time for On The Spot. 738 00:33:56,163 --> 00:33:59,403 In this round we're going to deliver a series of rapid fire hypotheticals 739 00:33:59,443 --> 00:34:02,483 which we want our panellists to solve as quickly as possible. 740 00:34:02,523 --> 00:34:05,163 You're gonna have to think faster than Usain Bolt playing 741 00:34:05,203 --> 00:34:06,683 in a speed chess tournament. 742 00:34:06,723 --> 00:34:09,123 - Because he's no good at chess. - Right. 743 00:34:09,163 --> 00:34:11,043 Josh is gonna read out the hypothetical and I will say 744 00:34:11,083 --> 00:34:13,403 the name of the person that I would like to answer it. 745 00:34:13,443 --> 00:34:14,523 But. 746 00:34:14,523 --> 00:34:16,283 Yeah, normally I'd say the name of the person that I'd 747 00:34:16,323 --> 00:34:18,523 like to answer it, but because we didn't know 748 00:34:18,563 --> 00:34:21,283 who was gonna do the act-out with the baby, we recorded 749 00:34:21,283 --> 00:34:22,523 everyone's name. 750 00:34:22,523 --> 00:34:26,443 Lou! Sunil! Angela! Ross! 751 00:34:26,443 --> 00:34:28,203 So I'm just gonna use that instead. 752 00:34:28,203 --> 00:34:29,883 Why not? 753 00:34:29,883 --> 00:34:31,363 We've spent £10,000 on it. 754 00:34:31,363 --> 00:34:32,683 Right. 755 00:34:32,683 --> 00:34:33,843 But if we're not buying the answer 756 00:34:33,843 --> 00:34:35,563 we will hit our buttons to stop the clock 757 00:34:35,563 --> 00:34:37,803 and ask what the hell you're on about, just to be clear on that. 758 00:34:37,803 --> 00:34:39,803 - Right. - Yeah, best player wins the round. 759 00:34:39,843 --> 00:34:41,763 Here we go. 760 00:34:43,643 --> 00:34:47,163 You've got ten minutes to get the word "sofa" trending on Twitter. 761 00:34:47,203 --> 00:34:48,283 Angela. 762 00:34:48,323 --> 00:34:49,443 Hashtag sofa. 763 00:34:49,483 --> 00:34:50,483 Love it. 764 00:34:55,683 --> 00:34:58,243 Shirt pocket, trouser pocket, back pocket, front pocket. 765 00:34:58,283 --> 00:35:00,403 You have to come up with a new pocket. 766 00:35:00,443 --> 00:35:02,123 - Ross. - Er, ankle pocket. 767 00:35:03,683 --> 00:35:05,563 You have to give James a nightmare tonight. 768 00:35:05,603 --> 00:35:07,323 Sunil. 769 00:35:07,363 --> 00:35:09,563 Er, me with a boner. 770 00:35:11,443 --> 00:35:14,443 I said a nightmare, not a dream. 771 00:35:14,483 --> 00:35:16,243 The dessert trolley feels painfully outmoded. 772 00:35:16,283 --> 00:35:18,523 You have to come up with a new vehicle for parading puddings. 773 00:35:18,523 --> 00:35:20,163 Ross. 774 00:35:20,203 --> 00:35:23,043 Er, ooh, the creamy space hopper. 775 00:35:25,003 --> 00:35:26,003 Textbook. 776 00:35:27,403 --> 00:35:29,803 You have 15 minutes to paint the entire exterior of a house. 777 00:35:29,843 --> 00:35:31,563 - How do you do it? - Angela. 778 00:35:31,603 --> 00:35:34,723 With a helicopter with a big hose. 779 00:35:35,003 --> 00:35:37,363 - That's a good answer. - Yeah. 780 00:35:37,403 --> 00:35:39,283 People are tired of the words "knife", "fork" and "spoon". 781 00:35:39,323 --> 00:35:41,643 - You must rename them all. - Lou. 782 00:35:41,683 --> 00:35:43,043 Bigigoo. 783 00:35:43,043 --> 00:35:44,403 Yes. 784 00:35:44,443 --> 00:35:49,043 A goon, and a silg. 785 00:35:53,683 --> 00:35:54,763 I just wanna ask this. 786 00:35:54,803 --> 00:35:57,083 Can you say those three again and see if you can get them exactly? 787 00:35:57,123 --> 00:35:58,883 Bibi, bigoo, bigigoo. 788 00:35:58,923 --> 00:36:01,363 - Which one's that? - That's all three. 789 00:36:01,403 --> 00:36:03,443 - That's all three? - Yeah, that's the package. 790 00:36:03,483 --> 00:36:04,483 Bigigoo. 791 00:36:04,483 --> 00:36:06,963 We haven't got a word for that, so actually that's quite good. 792 00:36:07,003 --> 00:36:08,003 Cutlery. 793 00:36:12,763 --> 00:36:14,883 You having a go at everyone, that's over now. OK? 794 00:36:17,363 --> 00:36:20,643 What I want to see from you is a bit of positivity, Ross, OK. 795 00:36:22,803 --> 00:36:23,963 Man buns are over, mullets are out. 796 00:36:24,003 --> 00:36:25,803 You must come up with a cutting edge new hairstyle. 797 00:36:25,843 --> 00:36:26,803 Sunil. 798 00:36:26,843 --> 00:36:28,923 Er, just shaven in the middle, across, like that. 799 00:36:28,963 --> 00:36:30,483 Oh, that is good. 800 00:36:30,523 --> 00:36:32,803 You must invent a new kind of juice, one that's never 801 00:36:32,843 --> 00:36:34,363 been squeezed before. 802 00:36:34,403 --> 00:36:35,403 Angela. 803 00:36:36,523 --> 00:36:37,523 Koala bear. 804 00:36:38,323 --> 00:36:40,043 Koala juice. 805 00:36:40,043 --> 00:36:43,003 Sort of eucalyptus-y, so it clears your nasal passages as well. 806 00:36:43,003 --> 00:36:44,003 Very nice. 807 00:36:44,043 --> 00:36:45,923 Just with a nice hint of chlamydia. 808 00:36:45,963 --> 00:36:47,043 Mmm, lovely. 809 00:36:47,043 --> 00:36:48,483 They've all got chlamydia, haven't they? 810 00:36:48,523 --> 00:36:50,163 Yeah, I found that out. 811 00:36:53,963 --> 00:36:57,003 Ariana Grande has Cloud, Rihanna has Nude, Bruce Willis has 812 00:36:57,043 --> 00:36:58,003 Bruce Willis. 813 00:36:58,003 --> 00:37:01,203 What's your signature celebrity perfume, and what does it smell like? 814 00:37:01,203 --> 00:37:02,323 Lou. 815 00:37:02,323 --> 00:37:04,563 It's called Phwoar and it smells like your dad's fingers. 816 00:37:07,923 --> 00:37:09,923 You're famously one of the nicest people in showbiz. 817 00:37:09,963 --> 00:37:10,963 Thank you. 818 00:37:12,843 --> 00:37:15,243 This question is not going to you. 819 00:37:16,643 --> 00:37:19,243 So to give you a bit of an edge, your agent has suggested you rebrand 820 00:37:19,283 --> 00:37:20,763 yourself as more of a bad boy. 821 00:37:20,803 --> 00:37:22,963 - What's your first move? - Ross. 822 00:37:23,003 --> 00:37:24,883 I'd give a Shetland pony a dead leg. 823 00:37:27,723 --> 00:37:29,763 Job done. Job done. 824 00:37:29,803 --> 00:37:31,083 We're bored of saying "bless you". 825 00:37:31,123 --> 00:37:33,283 Think of a better thing to say when someone sneezes. 826 00:37:33,283 --> 00:37:35,323 - Sunil. - Spiders. 827 00:37:38,163 --> 00:37:41,283 James Dyson made bags of money out of a bagless hoover. 828 00:37:41,323 --> 00:37:44,603 He's offering you big bucks to come up with a new idea for something 829 00:37:44,643 --> 00:37:45,763 to make bagless. 830 00:37:45,763 --> 00:37:47,443 - What have you got? - Ross. 831 00:37:47,443 --> 00:37:49,403 A colostomy system. 832 00:37:52,043 --> 00:37:54,803 So instead of a colostomy bag, it's like you know when you get 833 00:37:54,843 --> 00:37:57,323 those, those muck spreaders on a farm, 834 00:37:57,323 --> 00:37:59,643 and it just sprays the shit everywhere. 835 00:38:01,443 --> 00:38:03,483 You must circumnavigate the globe with nothing but... 836 00:38:03,683 --> 00:38:05,283 Oh, so close. 837 00:38:05,323 --> 00:38:07,603 So, James, after all that, who's getting the points? 838 00:38:07,643 --> 00:38:11,163 Oh, man, just cause I'd love to hear people say "spiders" 839 00:38:11,203 --> 00:38:12,683 when they sneeze, Sunil gets the points. 840 00:38:12,683 --> 00:38:13,923 - And, yeah. - Sunil gets the points! 841 00:38:13,963 --> 00:38:19,803 After all that, how many points does Sunil get? 842 00:38:19,843 --> 00:38:22,043 Sunil gets one point. 843 00:38:24,323 --> 00:38:26,043 - It was worth it. - Yeah, yeah. 844 00:38:26,083 --> 00:38:29,603 Right, it's time for our final round, the one that decides it all. 845 00:38:29,643 --> 00:38:32,843 We're heading back to the wall of the celebrities for the biggest 846 00:38:32,883 --> 00:38:35,083 question in showbiz. 847 00:38:35,123 --> 00:38:37,963 Why has Only Fools and Horses got two theme tunes? 848 00:38:38,003 --> 00:38:40,923 No, it's Big Hat Small Hat. 849 00:38:46,643 --> 00:38:50,603 We asked our six celebs one final, all-important question - big hat 850 00:38:50,643 --> 00:38:51,843 or small hat? 851 00:38:51,843 --> 00:38:53,403 James, the rules. 852 00:38:53,443 --> 00:38:55,963 We told the celebrities you have to wear the hat for the rest 853 00:38:56,003 --> 00:38:58,843 of your life, you can't wear a medium size had over the small 854 00:38:58,883 --> 00:39:01,643 hat, and these are the hats. 855 00:39:01,683 --> 00:39:04,603 All you have to do is tell us which hat the celebrity chose. 856 00:39:04,643 --> 00:39:07,083 James, before the question, what are the scores? 857 00:39:07,123 --> 00:39:11,123 Lovely Mums has five points, and Waterstones are in the lead 858 00:39:11,163 --> 00:39:12,883 with ten points. 859 00:39:12,923 --> 00:39:15,323 Who is the question for and how many points is it worth? 860 00:39:15,363 --> 00:39:18,683 It's for Lovely Mums and it's worth six points. 861 00:39:20,963 --> 00:39:23,203 So, Lovely Mums, it all comes down to this. 862 00:39:23,243 --> 00:39:25,683 Can we have a dramatic lighting change, please? 863 00:39:27,563 --> 00:39:29,563 Which celebrity would you like to choose? 864 00:39:30,843 --> 00:39:33,203 - Wadia? - Yeah. 865 00:39:33,243 --> 00:39:34,403 - Yeah? - Yeah. 866 00:39:34,403 --> 00:39:35,643 - Wadia. - Yeah, Wadia. 867 00:39:35,683 --> 00:39:37,163 Nina Wadia. Have you met her? 868 00:39:37,203 --> 00:39:39,683 No, but mums go on instincts, don't we? 869 00:39:39,723 --> 00:39:41,123 That's right, we do. 870 00:39:42,123 --> 00:39:45,203 And so what do you think Nina Wadia's hat is gonna be? 871 00:39:45,243 --> 00:39:47,283 - My instinct is little. - Right. 872 00:39:47,323 --> 00:39:50,203 Um, but I haven't...my instincts aren't very good. 873 00:39:50,243 --> 00:39:53,443 OK. My instinct is big hat. 874 00:39:53,483 --> 00:39:56,003 And your instincts have got you, let's say big hat. 875 00:39:56,043 --> 00:39:57,243 - Let's say big hat? - Yeah. 876 00:39:57,243 --> 00:39:58,683 But will you be upset if it's small hat? 877 00:39:58,723 --> 00:39:59,963 No, no. 878 00:40:00,003 --> 00:40:01,723 I've got no vested interest in the game. 879 00:40:01,763 --> 00:40:03,323 OK. 880 00:40:06,203 --> 00:40:07,883 We're gonna go for big hat. 881 00:40:07,923 --> 00:40:09,843 OK. Let's see. 882 00:40:11,523 --> 00:40:14,403 - Big hat. - Oh, well done, Sunil. 883 00:40:14,403 --> 00:40:15,443 There we go. 884 00:40:15,443 --> 00:40:17,123 - Well done. - Oh, yes. 885 00:40:17,163 --> 00:40:19,363 James, what are the final scores? 886 00:40:19,403 --> 00:40:22,523 That means the final scores are Waterstones have ten points, 887 00:40:22,563 --> 00:40:25,003 while Lovely Mums are this week's winners with 11 points. 888 00:40:27,963 --> 00:40:29,443 Congratulations to Lovely Mums. 889 00:40:29,483 --> 00:40:32,283 You've proved your worth in a non-existent hypothetical universe. 890 00:40:32,323 --> 00:40:34,563 You are this week's winners. James, what have they won? 891 00:40:34,603 --> 00:40:37,643 As I said before, the hypothetical prizes are a black and white Rubik's 892 00:40:37,683 --> 00:40:41,003 cube, two home laminating machines, a multipack of packets and a bespoke 893 00:40:41,043 --> 00:40:43,883 suit tailored to the dimensions of Sir Paul McCartney, 894 00:40:43,923 --> 00:40:45,563 but those were just hypothetical prizes. 895 00:40:45,603 --> 00:40:47,683 You've actually won a pair of greebles. 896 00:40:49,483 --> 00:40:53,003 Thanks to our guests, Ross Noble, Angela Barnes, 897 00:40:53,003 --> 00:40:54,923 Lou Sanders and Sunil Patel. 898 00:40:54,923 --> 00:40:59,043 Extra special thanks to my co-host and points enthusiast James Acaster. 899 00:40:59,043 --> 00:41:00,923 Goodnight.