Hello, and welcome to Hypothetical, the show that pits my favourite
comedians against a variety of tricksy hypothetical scenarios.
Let's meet today's guests.
On my right it's Victoria Coren Mitchell and Isy Suttie.
And up against them it's Rosie Jones and Toussaint Douglass.
But now it's time to introduce my co-host
and arbiter of hypotheticals,
a man so angular that at school he was used as protractor.
It's James Acaster.
Perfect.
- All sorted? - Yeah, good, man.
Just needed that sprig.
Now, before we start we need some team names.
Victoria and Isy, what have you come up with?
We decided to go for a combination of symbols,
because we're quite mysterious.
- So... - Brackets?
Yeah.
Deal with it.
What have you come up with for your team name, Rosie and Toussaint?
So, there's several things wrong with this show.
And I think your biggest one is your calibre of guest.
You need to up your game.
So, our team name is Cher.
It's Cher.
Happy with your team name, Toussaint?
Yeah, I'm happy. I'm a massive fan of Cher.
I'm sitting on one now, so, yeah, happy with that.
Maybe we should be Sonny.
Yeah.
We could be Sonny, but like with a U, cause of our sunny disposition.
- Yes. - Yes.
- We'll say that means Sunny. - Yes.
- Sunny. - OK.
What are this week's hypothetical prizes, James?
This week's hypothetical prizes are Danny Dyer's deep-fat fryer,
one incredibly nervous vole,
a packet of pre-sucked Twiglets
and a bucket of tar.
As ever, all of our guests' responses are completely made up
on the spot.
None of them have seen today's hypotheticals before the show.
Our first round is What Would You Do?
How many points are up for grabs in this round, James?
I'll be awarding up to five points
depending on how they deal with the scenario,
from one, boo-hoo, up to five, woo-hoo.
The first question is a head to head. The winning team gets the points.
Victoria, you'll be representing Sunny,
and Rosie, you're playing for Cher.
Here is your hypothetical.
You have been sent back to Biblical times
one week after Moses ascends Mount Sinai
to chisel the Ten Commandments into his stone tablets.
You have until then to get him to add an eleventh commandment.
What do you do? James, the rules.
The commandment can be anything you like,
but remember we're all gonna be
living by these rules for thousands of years,
so don't make it something unrealistic, like
"Thou shall not wear corduroy."
Are you aware of the story of Moses and the Ten Commandments, Rosie?
Yeah. Are we saying it's true?
- 'Cause it's not, is it? - Well...
Cher, famously an atheist.
That song 'Believe'?
No, she didn't believe it at all, mate.
Did not believe a word of it.
Victoria, are you aware of the story of, um...?
- Of Moses and the Ten Commandments? - Yeah.
I am. I am, I am.
I think they're broadly, I think it's broadly a sensible set of rules.
I think anyone that's happy to come down with a stone tablet
with ten rules forever doesn't mind an eleventh.
I think they were having to hold him back with the chisel.
People either like making rules or they don't.
I think if we've learnt one thing in the last year,
there's the kind of people that like making rules for other people to do,
and the other kind.
Are you telling me that Moses was secretly in his house breaking
all the commandments?
This is the rule.
If you offer a social occasion to someone,
you've got to be specific about the date,
so that if they don't want to go they can pretend to be busy.
Um, how's he gonna fit all of this onto a stone tablet?
Well, first of all I've got to motivate him to do it,
which I do by just kind of going, "When are you free?"
- Getting a date off him. - Oh.
- And then having him round. - Yeah.
And it'll be my weird neighbour,
and a relative that I've owed for ages,
like I've been to a million kind of weddings
and never invited them.
And I knock them all off, and Moses is sitting right in the middle,
and I'm in the kitchen for most of the evening getting the food,
and he's hungry and bored.
Yeah.
After that he'll think of the rule for himself.
And what it'll be is
"Thou shalt always be specific with invitations."
- I like that. - I do like that.
That's good. Rosie?
Bible times.
That was ages ago.
So when I think of all the things that have gone wrong
from then till now,
and how I could make that better
with one rule,
it's easy.
"Thou shalt
"always listen to women".
Sorry, what was that?
Rosie, we need to know what your eleventh commandment is gonna be.
It's a flawless plan,
cause I'm telling him as a woman.
But does that make it a flawed plan?
Because if it's not a rule yet,
what if he doesn't listen to you cause it's not a rule?
Oh, Jim-Bob, that's a good point.
So, James, they're both good rules
that I think would change the world for the better.
Yes.
Um, turning one of them down is gonna be the end of my career.
Well, do you want to be Moses?
I thought you'd never ask. Yeah, I'll be Moses.
Yeah, I've got, in my fancy dress box.
Perfect.
So it's the dinner party plan, James.
Yeah.
Do you want anyone else to play
characters at the dinner party, Victoria?
I'm very happy to play my mum.
OK. Is your mum not good on social occasions?
No.
Well, she hates small talk,
and she sort of says as soon as she meets people,
"I hate small talk, by the way."
- That's her vibe. - Can we name her?
- Viv. - Viv, yeah.
So there's Viv, who won't do any small talk.
You need somebody else that's almost too game.
Yes.
Somebody that wants to start an aggressive truth or dare session.
- Cher. - Cher.
- OK. - Moses?
- Yeah? - Are you happy to go to this party?
Yeah, just arrived at the party.
Thanks for having me, VCM.
Do you like football? 'Cause I don't do small talk.
Er, yeah, I kind of like football. How are you, by the way?
What was the score in 1984 between Milton Keynes and Birmingham FC?
It's Bible times. Um...
Moses, something we thought, before you come in,
before you have a drink, everyone should write on a piece of paper
the name of a famous person they're pretending to be
and pin it on their head, and everyone else has to guess.
Oh, OK.
I mean, you know the famous person I'm gonna write down in the bowl.
My favourite celeb of all - G-O-D.
OK, good.
Having introduced this game, I'm going to push you into a room
where you know nobody, and retreat to the kitchen,
where I'll be back with dinner in two hours.
Oh. Hello.
I like your beard.
- Oh, thanks very much. - Can I have it?
Give it me, I dare you.
I'll get it. I'll get your beard.
Can I have your jacket?
OK, you can have my jacket.
Can I have your tie?
You know where this is going.
I tell you what, he's gonna wake up tomorrow morning
with such a good idea.
I think so. I think that would work.
Yeah, that would work. That was really strong.
That was vicious, it was disturbing.
I've got beard all over me.
Shall we try the other option, see how that works?
Yeah, although I'm aware the other option means I've got to be spoken
to by Rosie again and that wasn't very nice just now.
- Have you got any props for it? - Yeah, I can bring the mount out.
Oh, bring out the mount.
CLIFF! Bring the mount out right now.
Set it up.
# His name is Cliff, he works in props.
# He sets them up, and could do better. #
OK. Do you want to go down and be Moses?
Yeah, I'm gonna be Moses giving...
Well, it's not my Sermon on the Mount yet.
I'm gonna be giving the old,
I guess what he would have been doing pre-sermon on the Mount.
Yeah.
Which is like a lot of stand-up, probably.
Probably just doing a bit of riffing.
Hey, give me a cheer if you loved it when I parted the Red Sea.
I'm Moses, baby.
- Sit down. - Huh?
I don't have to listen to you.
I think you should, you know, because I've got a theory.
- Yeah? - You know all your rules and shit?
Yeah, yeah, got some great rules coming up.
Great rules, but I feel like they're all the same,
because all the rules
are about you thinking with your willy.
That is mainly what I do. I love it.
- When I parted the Red Sea... - Yeah.
..I just got a big old boner.
"Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's wife."
Yeah.
That's about using your willy with your neighbour.
Yeah. Whoo-whoo!
So, I reckon you should wrap
all of these commandments up
in just a really little eleventh one
"Thou shalt always listen to women".
Because between you and me,
if you say you like women,
and you listen to women,
they'll sleep with ya.
I like this.
So, OK, run this by me one more time, and reassure me here.
Reassure me.
Yeah.
I don't actually have to listen to them.
I can just say that I want to listen to them.
- Everyone thinks I'm a good guy. - Yeah.
And then I get slept with.
Hard.
This is good stuff.
I'll write it on there.
No prizes for guessing what I'm writing with.
- Thanks for coming by. - Thank you.
I think that was pretty conclusive.
If you want to convince him to write that,
telling him that he's gonna get laid is genius.
And that tactic still works today, by the way.
So who are you gonna give the points to, James?
This is actually genuinely a hard one, and I am gonna
split the points.
Three points to Rosie Jones, two points for VCM.
That's my final... that's my final word.
We'll take that.
It's time for James's Wishlist.
# James's Wishlist Wish upon a star! #
In this round we're gonna be picking something from James's ever-growing
list of dreams, and our panellists are gonna tell us
how they'd make it happen.
This is a head to head for Isy and Toussaint.
Best answer gets up to five points.
What's on your wish list this week, James?
Well, Josh, I'm currently setting up the world's first Jamesatorium,
featuring exhibits from the wonderful world of Jameses.
I've got a photo of St James's Square, a giant peach,
and the band James are playing the grand opening.
What if I told you that Isy and Toussaint
are also going to source me an item of clothing owned by famous Jameses?
Oh-ho-ho, get me a season ticket. Right.
To clarify, the hypothetical is
you must each acquire one item of clothing
owned by a famous person called James.
James, the rules.
Only one item of clothing can make it into the Jamesatorium.
The one I deem to be the best gets the points.
But remember, the more impressive the James,
the tougher the mission, so choose wisely.
And it can't be me.
I've already donated my pyjama bottoms.
Isy, any Jameses jumping out at you?
Well, the one that's jumping out at me is James Dornan,
which is, you know, Jamie Dornan.
- Jamie Dornan. - Yeah.
I mean, I imagine his real name must be James.
- I'll accept him. - Will you?
Although I will warn you, in the James community
we view Jamies as kind of weak.
We don't respect them.
I'm still gonna go for Jamie Dornan.
Yeah, yeah.
Um, I'm gonna get all of his clothing.
So you know he was in Fifty Shades of Grey?
Right, yeah, yeah.
I'm gonna write another film,
'cause he likes taking his clothes off.
Yeah.
Or he wouldn't have done it, you know.
That's the way it works.
That certainly sounds like a defence in court, doesn't it?
I'm gonna ring his agent.
I'm gonna say, "I've got the perfect project for him.
"He doesn't have to wear any clothes at all."
- Toussaint. - Mmm.
Are you thinking of a James?
The James that initially came to me was James Brown.
There's a slight issue, obviously.
- Mmm. - He's dead.
Is he dead? God, I didn't know that.
- Yeah. - What a way to find out.
Yeah.
Do you mind having a dead person's clothes in your Jamesatorium?
No, it's a Jamesatorium. It's all about all things James.
I mean having a Jamesatorium with nothing to do with James Brown in it
would seem like an oversight.
- And what about Jamie Dornan? - Jamie Dornan.
I don't think people would really notice
if there was no Jamie Dornan stuff there, to be fair.
But, you know, it might be nice to see while you're walking around.
You go, "Oh, hello," and his full outfit.
Everyone else has just got, you know, bits and bobs.
Yeah.
We could just get Jamie Dornan's entire wardrobe.
- You get his socks. - His socks, for example.
- Do you want to keep on listing? - Earplugs.
Whoa, I did not expect that second.
James Brown, no earplugs.
Famously, butt plug, though.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah, famously.
- Genuinely? - Did no-one hear about that?
No.
Well, it's amazing that you didn't know he was dead.
So you'd just approach the estate and you'd say...
I would approach the estate and I would just say.
Do you want me to be someone at the James Brown estate?
Yeah, do you want to phone...
Why don't you phone up the James Brown estate?
All right, yeah, let's do that.
Hi, hi. Is this the James Brown estate?
Yeah, yeah. Hold on, sorry.
I'm just a bit uncomfortable sitting down.
Um, look, this is quite a sensitive, subject.
You're telling me. That is the word.
Extremely sensitive.
I'm trying to source an item here, OK?
Uh-huh.
It's an item that was really precious to James, and I know
to your whole family.
Are you another person after the butt plug?
Yes, yes, but I want to give it a good home.
Um, a Jamesatorium, so it would be on display for,
it would give joy to all those who love Jameses.
What other things are in this Jamesatorium?
Is there a giant peach?
'Cause that would be perfect for the butt plug.
I like your thinking. You're on board.
Thank you very much.
This is the most uncomfortable act-out we've ever had on the show.
That's why I'm here.
See you at the Jamesatorium, I guess.
So, Isy,
I mean, it would be difficult to lose from this position.
Who are you ringing?
I'm ringing Jamie Dornan's agent.
What the fuck?
Jamie Dornan's agent.
Hello, is that Jamie Dornan's agent?
Who is that?
My name is Elaine Forester,
and I'm the best writer in all the world.
Listen, I gotta cut to the chase.
You wanna make some sweet dollar for Jamie or what?
Yeah, I'm their agent, that's what I do.
Do you think he'd wanna do my movie?
Pitch it to me. Let's hear this. Let's hear this movie.
OK, lemme pitch it to you.
I wish I'd thought of that.
- There's a guy. - Yeah.
He's called Christian White.
Oh, Christian White.
Yeah, and there's a girl.
She's called Sally-Anne, OK?
- Mmm. - They meet.
It's called A Hundred Shades of Rainbow.
Oh, I like it. Yeah, yeah.
Do you think he'd wanna appear in my movie?
Well, listen, is there any nudity?
Because I have to be very clear,
Jamie will not do any films that don't feature nudity.
He loves it.
He's gotta be naked throughout.
The only thing we request is that in the very first scene,
for the first three seconds, he's wearing earplugs and socks,
and then he takes them off.
Oh, that sounds good.
He always wants me to ask how that's important to the plot.
OK. He's in bed, he's got his earplugs in, like all good boys do.
He's got his socks on 'cause it's very cold,
but he's got no clothes on because it's a sexy time.
Do you know what I mean when I say sexy time?
Yeah, sometimes when I'm having sexy times
I hate hearing the panting of my partner, so I earplug up good,
and I don't hear any of their dirty talk and any of their criticisms,
'cause there's a lot.
You know what?
I think you and I need to go for a drink one day.
Hey, let me cut to the chase. Are you free this Saturday?
OK, so me and you will go for a drink this Saturday,
but let me cut to the chase.
Is Jamie gonna do the movie?
You bet he's gonna do the movie.
- He's gonna sign on the dotted line? - He's gonna sign on the dotted line.
We're gonna get the earplugs and the socks for the Jamesatorium?
Yeah, absolutely.
You got yourself a deal, and a new husband.
- Goodbye. - Bye.
Who are you gonna give the points to, James?
I'm giving it to Jamie Dornan. Four points.
Next up, it's time for the Great Wall of Celebrities.
There they are.
Weird they're in separate boxes when they all live in the same house.
There they are.
Any exciting ones for you there?
Kadeena Cox really, like, I don't know if you've ever
heard her talk, she really reminds me of you, Isy.
Does she?
Same with you and Mr Motivator, Victoria.
Right, who are you gonna go for?
Now you've pointed out my similarity to Mr Motivator.
Yeah.
Let's see if we think alike.
The squirrel fairy is going to bestow one of the following squirrel
characteristics on you.
Which do you choose?
Has somebody asked these questions of Mr Motivator?
Yeah.
I know he's usually a very serious man,
but, we thought we'd have a laugh.
There's absolutely no way Mr Motivator said he wanted to mate
with up to 14 sexual partners a day.
The man's not an animal.
C - he already can run very quickly across any clothesline.
Yes.
That's one of Mr Motivator's core skills.
So it must be A.
- Possib...very... - A is what I'd want.
- Is it? - Yes!
But you were saying B just the other day.
I remember you saying about, "I wish so much..."
Listen, I wish I didn't have B.
The reason we don't mate with 14 sexual partners a day
is surely through choice, right?
We retain those shreds of dignity.
I think by the fifth one you'd be like,
"Oh, no,
"I really shouldn't have entered into this.".
Let's have a look at what Mr Motivator said.
Yeah, mate with up to 14 partners a day.
That's me. Mmm-hmm.
Let me tell you, we've heard...
..we've heard his answers for other questions across the series,
and that does not surprise us.
That is par for the course.
Where was he when I was talking about butt plugs?
- Right. - Oh.
Who do you want?
Palsies stick together.
Let's go for Lost Voice Guy.
Lost Voice Guy.
You have to change your name by deed poll to one of the following.
What would you do?
Obviously Claire.
Mmm. Yeah. That was my first thought as well.
Does anyone else, when you see a Claire's Accessories,
do you sing it in your head to the tune of 'Bare Necessities',
or is it just me?
You know what?
I'm leaning towards WH Smith,
because it's the most normal name.
Uh-huh. So you're going WH Smith?
WH Smith. Yeah.
Let's see.
WH Smith, because hopefully they'd install a post office in me,
then I could do all my post from home.
Correct!
Who do you want?
I think we should go for Angellica Bell.
OK.
I just always think she looks very jolly.
She's doing a little dance.
Angellica, you started your career in kids' TV.
Which kids' TV punishment would you choose to go through
every single day?
Which would you choose?
I'd definitely choose a custard pie in the face.
- Would you? - I mean, I think that would be fun.
That would be on my list of things to do.
I think you're r... I think it's the pie. I'm with you.
I think Isy's right. I think it's pie.
Yeah.
Let's have a look if Angellica Bell agreed with you.
I'd probably have the hundred children in my house.
- How long would they be there? - Hundred kids in the house.
Hundred kids in the house.
- Every day? - Apparently.
Do you have to feed them?
I need to explain to Angellica,
I haven't had five hours sleep in one go since 2015
and we've got one child in the house.
That's the end of that round.
But of course we'll see the celebrities again later
in the show for Big Hat Small Hat.
It's time for the next round, which is Not For a Million Quid.
What would you do with a million pounds, James?
Er, I'd make a rocket that looks like my ding-dong
and send it into space.
- Like Jeff Bezos? - Who?
In this round we want to know how much you'd need to be paid to live
through a hypothetical situation.
The lowest bidder has to tell us how they'd do it.
There's three points on offer if we think they'd pull it off,
and if I don't believe your bid is genuine I'll disqualify you.
The question is how much to only travel by post for a year?
James, the rules.
The only journey you're allowed to make on foot
is to the post office.
Don't worry about postage costs.
We'll cover that, cause you've got enough on your plate.
OK. Any questions?
I feel like if I started asking questions about this it'd never stop.
I mean...
Let's get onto the bidding, then.
How much it would cost you for a year, every journey you make,
you are posted.
Never seen more serious looks on the panellists' faces.
- Right, everyone bid? - Yeah.
Shall we start with you, Rosie?
You know what?
I really, really want to do this,
so I would genuinely do it for 40 quid.
What are the pluses?
Oh, so many pluses!
I can't be arsed walking,
and just the joy
of everywhere I go,
someone being confused
and being like, "What's this?"
and me going, "Hello!"
Oh, yeah.
I want to do it.
Toussaint?
- I put 500k. - Yeah.
For the kind of physical and emotional costs of being
labelled a damaged item,
I'm gonna need some money.
Isy?
Er, I've gone for 350k.
- Yeah. - Um, I just...
I think you'd get a bit bruised.
I'd find it a bit lonely being on the journey.
I'm a bit of a control freak.
I like to know when I'm gonna get to places.
I've considered it, boys. It's not for me.
- Victoria. - I've put £5 million.
Yes.
Time is the problem.
I have not got time to post myself everywhere.
Yeah.
So there isn't an amount I'd do it for.
Fair enough, fair enough.
Although if you said £5 million is available I would rethink.
It's not,
but 40 quid is.
40 quid.
Can I have two £20 notes?
You can have two £20 notes,
but we do need to know that you'd be able to do it.
Yeah.
Is there a little test we can give Rosie, just to...?
Yeah, if you don't mind, Rosie, I'd like to put this to the test.
James, have we got any props for this?
- Yeah, it's right there. - Oh, yeah. Sorry, my mistake.
Right, James, do you want to be the postmaster?
Yeah.
I'm gonna work at the post office.
Rosie?
How long have you worked here for?
Quite a while now.
Oh, yeah, come round behind the counter. Why not?
Normally people don't come round here.
- I get very lonely. - OK.
Right. All right, love.
I've got a little query for you.
Oh, yeah? I love queries.
I want you to send a very special parcel.
I need to know what it is, cause, like, earlier this week someone
had me send a butt plug to a museum.
- Oh, no. - I need to know.
It is me.
- You? - Yeah.
OK.
I need to just check how much you have to pay.
You got past the knuckles.
That's actually quite impressive,
but I think your hand is genuinely stuck.
Yeah, that's on there pretty good.
I'm gonna put you down as a large letter.
I mean, if we're gonna put you in there,
I guess you'd need to be bubble-wrapped up or something.
Of course!
- Um... - Er...
I love doing this.
- You love doing? - Thank you for helping me.
Oh, you're welcome.
I mean, if you want I can put it popper side up,
so that you get to pop it while you're lying there.
- Oh! - I'm a considerate guy.
You are a gentleman.
- Yeah, just. - Right.
If you want to lie down this end.
And just roll me.
Ah.
Oh, does that feel nice?
I've gotta be honest, I'm kind of jealous here.
I always wanted to do this.
- Oh! Oh! - It's extremely sexual.
Are you close? OK.
Here we go. I'll just wrap you up here.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, lovely.
There you go.
You're nice and bubbly, you're very protected.
I think no one's getting into that.
Pop me.
This is like if Fifty Shades of Grey was set in WH Smith.
I'm ready.
I'm just gonna get some stamps for you here.
Some hypothetical stamps for you.
How many stamps do you need?
How heavy, am I?
Are you asking me to guess?
Yeah.
Where do you... Oh, I shouldn't ask this.
Er, I'm gonna need some sort of verbal confirmation
of where you want them, because if I just go
with what I think you're saying and then I get it wrong.
On my bum.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Here we go.
Am I trying to pop the bubble-wrap here?
Yeah, yeah.
Is licking not required?
For the stamps, for the stamps.
They're self-adhesive.
That's my supervisor.
Just, delicately place that on there.
- One. - One.
And another one.
Well, this is one of those rare act-outs where this looks funnier
from my angle than the audience's.
So, have you got a box?
Did you expect me to bring my own box?
Sorry. I can try and get this on you if you like.
No, just pop it there
and I'll sort it out myself.
There you go. Is that OK like this?
That is. Thank you for your help.
You're welcome. And bye.
Bon voyage.
Did somebody put any airholes in there, or?
James, do you think Rosie could do it?
I think Rosie did do it. Three points to Rosie.
Yeah!
It's time for On the Spot.
In this round we're going to deliver a series of rapid fire hypotheticals,
which we want our panellists to solve as quickly as possible.
I will read out the hypothetical and then James will say the name
of the person who he wants to answer it.
But if we think the answer is stupid we will hit our buttons
to stop the clock and ask what the hell you're on about.
Best player wins the round.
OK, here we go.
Lighting change, please.
It's widely accepted that the five-second rule is nonsense.
You must come up with a more sensible rule for dropped food.
Jones.
Always eat it.
You've been turned into a pigeon.
- What's the first thing you do? - Coren Mitchell.
Shit on everyone?
This round really helps us glimpse the real people.
Wood, laminate, carpet are getting stale.
You must come up with a fresh new surface for the world
of domestic flooring.
- Douglass. - Cream.
Yeah.
You can just slide along it.
Oh, yeah, that would be good.
And if you want to have a lick, have a lick.
Yeah.
Good slogan.
Upper Crust's domination of the railway food scene must end.
Come up with the next train platform food stop.
Suttie.
Lower Crust.
Stale bread filled with things that I found on the floor
in the railway station.
For a year you have to wear shoes on your hands.
What excuse do you give when people ask you
what the bloody hell you're up to?
Jones.
I'm disabled.
The makers of the "live, love, laugh" signs are now billionaires.
Come up with the next wall-mountable slogan for idiots.
- Coren Mitchell. - What are you talking about?
The makers of what?
So there are signs...
There are signs that people have made that say "live, laugh, love",
and people like to put them up in their kitchen
to show everyone that those are their values and stuff.
The slogan should be "This is all finite, nothing matters".
- I would buy it. - I would buy it.
I like "live, love, laugh".
The government has agreed that every home must replace one household
appliance with an animal that can do the task instead.
What appliance is leaving your house and what creature is coming in?
Douglass.
Er, dishwasher and pet monkey.
Yeah.
The word "gastropub" is to be replaced with a noise.
- Let's hear it. - Suttie.
Er-er-er.
The hand hold, the lingering hug, the snog with tongues.
- Come up with the next PDA. - Coren Mitchell.
Nothing. I don't believe in that sort of thing.
I mean, yeah.
I told you we shouldn't give her that one.
The beer hat, the fish bowl, the jello shot.
The alcoholic industry have asked you to come up with the next wacky
way to consume booze.
- What is it? - Douglass.
The eye hop.
Yeah, so it's where you, like, hop, and then just ding it in your eye.
- The eye hop. - Very good.
It's the hottest day of the year and you're incredibly thirsty.
- What do you do? - Coren Mitchell.
This is just terrifying.
This is like those psychological tests and you're gonna show me
an inkblot and I'm gonna shout "My grandfather's balls!"
And you'll completely reveal.
You see, this, immediate, into the unconscious,
and what you might shout, there's an audience watching
and they could, this is terrifying.
What was the question?
It's the hottest day of the year and you're incredibly thirsty.
What do you do?
I mean, is the answer not have a drink of water?
- What am I missing? - Well, yeah.
It says after this "There's always an easy one in there and you're
today's lucky player.".
- I would drink a glass of water. - Yeah, yeah.
- It's just an easy one, that one. - Oh, thank God.
But let's talk more about your grandfather's balls.
When is the end of the round?
We can't say "happy birthday" anymore.
Thanks a lot, woke brigade.
We need a new way to wish someone well on the day they were born.
Suttie.
Er, ooh,
someone's lucky.
Yeah, I love it.
Double points.
Happy to let that go on for as long as possible.
Didn't want to move on from that.
You must successfully rent out your loo for one grand a night Airbnb.
- How do you do it? - Jones?
Oh, I'm in there on the toilet,
and it's like an audience with Rosie Jones.
Well, what's the, I don't want you to recreate it properly,
but what's your pose you're doing?
One grand. Sold.
You must circumnavigate the earth.
Oh, so close.
That's the end of the round.
James, who are you giving the points to?
Er, well, just for that final image I've got to give it to Rosie Jones.
Of course the points are going there.
And how many points, is it?
As always, this round is worth one point.
- Congratulations. - One point.
It's time for our final round, the one that decides it all.
We're heading back to the Wall of Celebs
to ask the biggest question in show business.
It's big hat or small hat?
We asked our celebs one final, all-important question -
big hat or small hat?
James, the rules.
We told the celebrities you have to wear the hat for the rest
of your life, you can't wear a medium size hat over the small
hat, and these are the hats.
All you have to tell us is which hat the celebrity chose.
James, before this question, what are the scores?
Sunny has six points, while Cher is in the lead
with eight points.
And who is this question for and how many points is it worth?
It's for Sunny and it's worth three points.
Ooh.
So, Sunny, it all comes down to this.
Can we have the dramatic lighting change, please?
Which celebrity would you like to choose to play
Big Hat Small Hat?
- Well, I love Lost Voice Guy. - Yeah.
-I think he's very funny. - He's great.
- Please. - Um, so, yeah.
And what hat do you think he'd wear?
My instincts are saying big hat.
Mmm-hmm.
- Victoria? - I like your instincts.
- I think that's a good call. - Let's see.
To win the game, Lost Voice Guy, big hat.
The big hat, because now I look like the Monopoly man.
He's gone big hat.
Yay!
James, what are the final scores?
That means Cher has eight points, but Sunny are the winners
with nine points.
- Yes. - Well done.
Congratulations, Sunny.
You've proved your worth in a non-existent hypothetical universe.
You are this week's winners. James, what have they won?
As I said before, the hypothetical prizes are Danny Dyer's
deep-fat fryer, one incredibly nervous vole,
a packet of pre-sucked Twiglets and a bucket of tar.
But those were just hypothetical prizes.
You've actually won my grandfather's balls!
Thanks to our guests, Victoria Coren Mitchell,
Isy Suttie,
Rosie Jones and Toussaint Douglass.
And special thanks to my co-host and points enthusiast James Acaster.
Goodnight.