1 00:00:38,603 --> 00:00:41,963 Hello, and welcome to Hypothetical, the show that pits my favourite 2 00:00:41,963 --> 00:00:45,723 comedians against a variety of tricksy hypothetical scenarios. 3 00:00:45,723 --> 00:00:47,603 Let's meet today's guests. 4 00:00:47,603 --> 00:00:51,603 On my right it's Victoria Coren Mitchell and Isy Suttie. 5 00:00:54,603 --> 00:00:57,723 And up against them it's Rosie Jones and Toussaint Douglass. 6 00:01:04,083 --> 00:01:06,083 But now it's time to introduce my co-host 7 00:01:06,083 --> 00:01:07,283 and arbiter of hypotheticals, 8 00:01:07,283 --> 00:01:10,363 a man so angular that at school he was used as protractor. 9 00:01:10,363 --> 00:01:12,443 It's James Acaster. 10 00:01:29,763 --> 00:01:31,163 Perfect. 11 00:01:32,843 --> 00:01:35,123 - All sorted? - Yeah, good, man. 12 00:01:35,123 --> 00:01:37,043 Just needed that sprig. 13 00:01:38,923 --> 00:01:41,403 Now, before we start we need some team names. 14 00:01:41,403 --> 00:01:43,483 Victoria and Isy, what have you come up with? 15 00:01:43,483 --> 00:01:47,203 We decided to go for a combination of symbols, 16 00:01:47,243 --> 00:01:49,283 because we're quite mysterious. 17 00:01:49,283 --> 00:01:52,083 - So... - Brackets? 18 00:01:52,083 --> 00:01:53,283 Yeah. 19 00:01:53,323 --> 00:01:54,883 Deal with it. 20 00:01:56,203 --> 00:01:59,083 What have you come up with for your team name, Rosie and Toussaint? 21 00:01:59,083 --> 00:02:06,043 So, there's several things wrong with this show. 22 00:02:08,083 --> 00:02:10,923 And I think your biggest one is your calibre of guest. 23 00:02:21,443 --> 00:02:25,043 You need to up your game. 24 00:02:26,363 --> 00:02:32,163 So, our team name is Cher. 25 00:02:32,163 --> 00:02:33,683 It's Cher. 26 00:02:35,323 --> 00:02:36,923 Happy with your team name, Toussaint? 27 00:02:36,923 --> 00:02:39,563 Yeah, I'm happy. I'm a massive fan of Cher. 28 00:02:39,563 --> 00:02:42,323 I'm sitting on one now, so, yeah, happy with that. 29 00:02:45,323 --> 00:02:47,443 Maybe we should be Sonny. 30 00:02:47,443 --> 00:02:48,363 Yeah. 31 00:02:48,403 --> 00:02:51,083 We could be Sonny, but like with a U, cause of our sunny disposition. 32 00:02:51,123 --> 00:02:52,243 - Yes. - Yes. 33 00:02:52,243 --> 00:02:53,883 - We'll say that means Sunny. - Yes. 34 00:02:53,923 --> 00:02:55,163 - Sunny. - OK. 35 00:02:55,163 --> 00:02:57,403 What are this week's hypothetical prizes, James? 36 00:02:57,403 --> 00:03:00,843 This week's hypothetical prizes are Danny Dyer's deep-fat fryer, 37 00:03:00,843 --> 00:03:03,203 one incredibly nervous vole, 38 00:03:03,203 --> 00:03:05,043 a packet of pre-sucked Twiglets 39 00:03:05,043 --> 00:03:06,763 and a bucket of tar. 40 00:03:06,763 --> 00:03:08,843 As ever, all of our guests' responses are completely made up 41 00:03:08,883 --> 00:03:10,243 on the spot. 42 00:03:10,243 --> 00:03:12,843 None of them have seen today's hypotheticals before the show. 43 00:03:12,843 --> 00:03:14,923 Our first round is What Would You Do? 44 00:03:17,283 --> 00:03:19,883 How many points are up for grabs in this round, James? 45 00:03:19,883 --> 00:03:21,483 I'll be awarding up to five points 46 00:03:21,483 --> 00:03:23,323 depending on how they deal with the scenario, 47 00:03:23,323 --> 00:03:26,003 from one, boo-hoo, up to five, woo-hoo. 48 00:03:26,003 --> 00:03:28,723 The first question is a head to head. The winning team gets the points. 49 00:03:28,723 --> 00:03:30,963 Victoria, you'll be representing Sunny, 50 00:03:30,963 --> 00:03:33,363 and Rosie, you're playing for Cher. 51 00:03:33,363 --> 00:03:35,123 Here is your hypothetical. 52 00:03:35,123 --> 00:03:37,083 You have been sent back to Biblical times 53 00:03:37,083 --> 00:03:40,043 one week after Moses ascends Mount Sinai 54 00:03:40,043 --> 00:03:43,523 to chisel the Ten Commandments into his stone tablets. 55 00:03:43,523 --> 00:03:47,563 You have until then to get him to add an eleventh commandment. 56 00:03:47,563 --> 00:03:50,003 What do you do? James, the rules. 57 00:03:50,043 --> 00:03:52,923 The commandment can be anything you like, 58 00:03:52,923 --> 00:03:54,283 but remember we're all gonna be 59 00:03:54,283 --> 00:03:56,283 living by these rules for thousands of years, 60 00:03:56,323 --> 00:03:59,083 so don't make it something unrealistic, like 61 00:03:59,083 --> 00:04:01,083 "Thou shall not wear corduroy." 62 00:04:02,803 --> 00:04:05,843 Are you aware of the story of Moses and the Ten Commandments, Rosie? 63 00:04:05,843 --> 00:04:11,443 Yeah. Are we saying it's true? 64 00:04:11,443 --> 00:04:14,283 - 'Cause it's not, is it? - Well... 65 00:04:17,883 --> 00:04:21,323 Cher, famously an atheist. 66 00:04:21,323 --> 00:04:22,923 That song 'Believe'? 67 00:04:22,923 --> 00:04:25,363 No, she didn't believe it at all, mate. 68 00:04:25,363 --> 00:04:27,683 Did not believe a word of it. 69 00:04:29,883 --> 00:04:32,443 Victoria, are you aware of the story of, um...? 70 00:04:32,443 --> 00:04:34,763 - Of Moses and the Ten Commandments? - Yeah. 71 00:04:34,763 --> 00:04:36,483 I am. I am, I am. 72 00:04:36,523 --> 00:04:39,963 I think they're broadly, I think it's broadly a sensible set of rules. 73 00:04:39,963 --> 00:04:42,443 I think anyone that's happy to come down with a stone tablet 74 00:04:42,443 --> 00:04:44,763 with ten rules forever doesn't mind an eleventh. 75 00:04:44,763 --> 00:04:47,403 I think they were having to hold him back with the chisel. 76 00:04:47,403 --> 00:04:49,203 People either like making rules or they don't. 77 00:04:49,203 --> 00:04:53,123 I think if we've learnt one thing in the last year, 78 00:04:53,123 --> 00:04:57,323 there's the kind of people that like making rules for other people to do, 79 00:04:57,323 --> 00:04:58,843 and the other kind. 80 00:04:58,843 --> 00:05:02,403 Are you telling me that Moses was secretly in his house breaking 81 00:05:02,403 --> 00:05:04,403 all the commandments? 82 00:05:10,563 --> 00:05:12,323 This is the rule. 83 00:05:12,323 --> 00:05:16,003 If you offer a social occasion to someone, 84 00:05:16,003 --> 00:05:18,483 you've got to be specific about the date, 85 00:05:18,483 --> 00:05:21,363 so that if they don't want to go they can pretend to be busy. 86 00:05:21,363 --> 00:05:24,123 Um, how's he gonna fit all of this onto a stone tablet? 87 00:05:24,123 --> 00:05:27,483 Well, first of all I've got to motivate him to do it, 88 00:05:27,483 --> 00:05:30,203 which I do by just kind of going, "When are you free?" 89 00:05:30,243 --> 00:05:31,603 - Getting a date off him. - Oh. 90 00:05:31,643 --> 00:05:33,403 - And then having him round. - Yeah. 91 00:05:33,403 --> 00:05:36,003 And it'll be my weird neighbour, 92 00:05:36,003 --> 00:05:38,763 and a relative that I've owed for ages, 93 00:05:38,763 --> 00:05:40,683 like I've been to a million kind of weddings 94 00:05:40,683 --> 00:05:42,003 and never invited them. 95 00:05:42,003 --> 00:05:45,963 And I knock them all off, and Moses is sitting right in the middle, 96 00:05:45,963 --> 00:05:48,883 and I'm in the kitchen for most of the evening getting the food, 97 00:05:48,883 --> 00:05:50,523 and he's hungry and bored. 98 00:05:50,523 --> 00:05:51,643 Yeah. 99 00:05:51,643 --> 00:05:54,283 After that he'll think of the rule for himself. 100 00:05:54,283 --> 00:05:55,723 And what it'll be is 101 00:05:55,723 --> 00:05:59,043 "Thou shalt always be specific with invitations." 102 00:05:59,043 --> 00:06:00,923 - I like that. - I do like that. 103 00:06:00,923 --> 00:06:02,883 That's good. Rosie? 104 00:06:02,883 --> 00:06:05,483 Bible times. 105 00:06:05,483 --> 00:06:09,483 That was ages ago. 106 00:06:09,483 --> 00:06:17,323 So when I think of all the things that have gone wrong 107 00:06:17,323 --> 00:06:20,563 from then till now, 108 00:06:20,563 --> 00:06:26,123 and how I could make that better 109 00:06:26,123 --> 00:06:28,723 with one rule, 110 00:06:28,723 --> 00:06:31,003 it's easy. 111 00:06:31,003 --> 00:06:33,363 "Thou shalt 112 00:06:33,363 --> 00:06:37,603 "always listen to women". 113 00:06:42,323 --> 00:06:44,163 Sorry, what was that? 114 00:06:45,043 --> 00:06:49,523 Rosie, we need to know what your eleventh commandment is gonna be. 115 00:06:51,843 --> 00:06:55,323 It's a flawless plan, 116 00:06:55,323 --> 00:07:00,123 cause I'm telling him as a woman. 117 00:07:00,123 --> 00:07:01,923 But does that make it a flawed plan? 118 00:07:01,923 --> 00:07:04,283 Because if it's not a rule yet, 119 00:07:04,283 --> 00:07:07,243 what if he doesn't listen to you cause it's not a rule? 120 00:07:07,243 --> 00:07:10,883 Oh, Jim-Bob, that's a good point. 121 00:07:18,283 --> 00:07:20,243 So, James, they're both good rules 122 00:07:20,243 --> 00:07:22,203 that I think would change the world for the better. 123 00:07:22,203 --> 00:07:23,963 Yes. 124 00:07:23,963 --> 00:07:27,563 Um, turning one of them down is gonna be the end of my career. 125 00:07:29,763 --> 00:07:33,363 Well, do you want to be Moses? 126 00:07:33,363 --> 00:07:36,283 I thought you'd never ask. Yeah, I'll be Moses. 127 00:07:36,323 --> 00:07:39,683 Yeah, I've got, in my fancy dress box. 128 00:07:40,963 --> 00:07:42,603 Perfect. 129 00:07:44,083 --> 00:07:45,963 So it's the dinner party plan, James. 130 00:07:46,003 --> 00:07:47,083 Yeah. 131 00:07:47,083 --> 00:07:48,643 Do you want anyone else to play 132 00:07:48,643 --> 00:07:50,003 characters at the dinner party, Victoria? 133 00:07:50,003 --> 00:07:53,163 I'm very happy to play my mum. 134 00:07:53,163 --> 00:07:55,803 OK. Is your mum not good on social occasions? 135 00:07:55,803 --> 00:07:57,243 No. 136 00:07:57,243 --> 00:07:59,883 Well, she hates small talk, 137 00:07:59,883 --> 00:08:02,043 and she sort of says as soon as she meets people, 138 00:08:02,043 --> 00:08:03,883 "I hate small talk, by the way." 139 00:08:03,883 --> 00:08:05,803 - That's her vibe. - Can we name her? 140 00:08:05,803 --> 00:08:07,603 - Viv. - Viv, yeah. 141 00:08:07,603 --> 00:08:08,963 So there's Viv, who won't do any small talk. 142 00:08:08,963 --> 00:08:12,043 You need somebody else that's almost too game. 143 00:08:12,043 --> 00:08:13,043 Yes. 144 00:08:13,043 --> 00:08:17,203 Somebody that wants to start an aggressive truth or dare session. 145 00:08:17,203 --> 00:08:19,003 - Cher. - Cher. 146 00:08:19,003 --> 00:08:20,843 - OK. - Moses? 147 00:08:20,843 --> 00:08:23,243 - Yeah? - Are you happy to go to this party? 148 00:08:23,243 --> 00:08:25,563 Yeah, just arrived at the party. 149 00:08:25,563 --> 00:08:27,123 Thanks for having me, VCM. 150 00:08:27,123 --> 00:08:29,603 Do you like football? 'Cause I don't do small talk. 151 00:08:29,603 --> 00:08:31,683 Er, yeah, I kind of like football. How are you, by the way? 152 00:08:31,683 --> 00:08:35,123 What was the score in 1984 between Milton Keynes and Birmingham FC? 153 00:08:35,123 --> 00:08:37,203 It's Bible times. Um... 154 00:08:39,163 --> 00:08:42,203 Moses, something we thought, before you come in, 155 00:08:42,203 --> 00:08:44,843 before you have a drink, everyone should write on a piece of paper 156 00:08:44,843 --> 00:08:47,363 the name of a famous person they're pretending to be 157 00:08:47,363 --> 00:08:49,763 and pin it on their head, and everyone else has to guess. 158 00:08:49,763 --> 00:08:51,443 Oh, OK. 159 00:08:51,443 --> 00:08:55,483 I mean, you know the famous person I'm gonna write down in the bowl. 160 00:08:55,483 --> 00:08:58,243 My favourite celeb of all - G-O-D. 161 00:08:58,243 --> 00:09:00,363 OK, good. 162 00:09:00,363 --> 00:09:04,163 Having introduced this game, I'm going to push you into a room 163 00:09:04,163 --> 00:09:06,323 where you know nobody, and retreat to the kitchen, 164 00:09:06,323 --> 00:09:08,083 where I'll be back with dinner in two hours. 165 00:09:08,123 --> 00:09:10,723 Oh. Hello. 166 00:09:10,723 --> 00:09:13,603 I like your beard. 167 00:09:13,603 --> 00:09:16,603 - Oh, thanks very much. - Can I have it? 168 00:09:18,243 --> 00:09:21,123 Give it me, I dare you. 169 00:09:22,683 --> 00:09:26,203 I'll get it. I'll get your beard. 170 00:09:27,323 --> 00:09:30,323 Can I have your jacket? 171 00:09:32,923 --> 00:09:34,523 OK, you can have my jacket. 172 00:09:34,523 --> 00:09:37,163 Can I have your tie? 173 00:09:38,883 --> 00:09:42,803 You know where this is going. 174 00:09:45,363 --> 00:09:46,963 I tell you what, he's gonna wake up tomorrow morning 175 00:09:46,963 --> 00:09:48,683 with such a good idea. 176 00:09:48,723 --> 00:09:50,403 I think so. I think that would work. 177 00:09:50,403 --> 00:09:52,283 Yeah, that would work. That was really strong. 178 00:09:52,283 --> 00:09:54,123 That was vicious, it was disturbing. 179 00:09:55,443 --> 00:09:57,843 I've got beard all over me. 180 00:09:57,843 --> 00:10:00,723 Shall we try the other option, see how that works? 181 00:10:00,723 --> 00:10:04,923 Yeah, although I'm aware the other option means I've got to be spoken 182 00:10:04,963 --> 00:10:07,723 to by Rosie again and that wasn't very nice just now. 183 00:10:09,083 --> 00:10:11,843 - Have you got any props for it? - Yeah, I can bring the mount out. 184 00:10:11,843 --> 00:10:13,763 Oh, bring out the mount. 185 00:10:13,763 --> 00:10:17,243 CLIFF! Bring the mount out right now. 186 00:10:17,243 --> 00:10:18,963 Set it up. 187 00:10:19,003 --> 00:10:22,283 # His name is Cliff, he works in props. 188 00:10:22,283 --> 00:10:24,843 # He sets them up, and could do better. # 189 00:10:26,643 --> 00:10:28,483 OK. Do you want to go down and be Moses? 190 00:10:28,483 --> 00:10:30,003 Yeah, I'm gonna be Moses giving... 191 00:10:30,003 --> 00:10:32,523 Well, it's not my Sermon on the Mount yet. 192 00:10:32,523 --> 00:10:34,883 I'm gonna be giving the old, 193 00:10:34,883 --> 00:10:37,843 I guess what he would have been doing pre-sermon on the Mount. 194 00:10:37,883 --> 00:10:39,603 Yeah. 195 00:10:39,603 --> 00:10:42,363 Which is like a lot of stand-up, probably. 196 00:10:42,363 --> 00:10:44,323 Probably just doing a bit of riffing. 197 00:10:44,323 --> 00:10:46,763 Hey, give me a cheer if you loved it when I parted the Red Sea. 198 00:10:50,243 --> 00:10:51,563 I'm Moses, baby. 199 00:10:52,563 --> 00:10:54,163 - Sit down. - Huh? 200 00:10:54,163 --> 00:10:56,203 I don't have to listen to you. 201 00:10:57,203 --> 00:11:03,563 I think you should, you know, because I've got a theory. 202 00:11:03,563 --> 00:11:08,043 - Yeah? - You know all your rules and shit? 203 00:11:08,043 --> 00:11:10,283 Yeah, yeah, got some great rules coming up. 204 00:11:10,283 --> 00:11:15,563 Great rules, but I feel like they're all the same, 205 00:11:15,563 --> 00:11:19,403 because all the rules 206 00:11:19,403 --> 00:11:26,763 are about you thinking with your willy. 207 00:11:26,803 --> 00:11:28,883 That is mainly what I do. I love it. 208 00:11:28,883 --> 00:11:30,723 - When I parted the Red Sea... - Yeah. 209 00:11:30,723 --> 00:11:32,443 ..I just got a big old boner. 210 00:11:34,283 --> 00:11:39,883 "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's wife." 211 00:11:39,883 --> 00:11:41,163 Yeah. 212 00:11:41,163 --> 00:11:47,523 That's about using your willy with your neighbour. 213 00:11:47,523 --> 00:11:49,483 Yeah. Whoo-whoo! 214 00:11:49,483 --> 00:11:53,523 So, I reckon you should wrap 215 00:11:53,523 --> 00:11:57,763 all of these commandments up 216 00:11:57,763 --> 00:12:04,203 in just a really little eleventh one 217 00:12:04,203 --> 00:12:10,043 "Thou shalt always listen to women". 218 00:12:10,043 --> 00:12:14,763 Because between you and me, 219 00:12:14,763 --> 00:12:19,523 if you say you like women, 220 00:12:19,523 --> 00:12:23,643 and you listen to women, 221 00:12:23,643 --> 00:12:27,043 they'll sleep with ya. 222 00:12:28,363 --> 00:12:29,723 I like this. 223 00:12:29,723 --> 00:12:35,323 So, OK, run this by me one more time, and reassure me here. 224 00:12:35,323 --> 00:12:36,963 Reassure me. 225 00:12:36,963 --> 00:12:38,243 Yeah. 226 00:12:39,243 --> 00:12:41,123 I don't actually have to listen to them. 227 00:12:41,123 --> 00:12:44,283 I can just say that I want to listen to them. 228 00:12:44,283 --> 00:12:46,283 - Everyone thinks I'm a good guy. - Yeah. 229 00:12:46,283 --> 00:12:47,723 And then I get slept with. 230 00:12:47,723 --> 00:12:49,363 Hard. 231 00:12:54,323 --> 00:12:56,323 This is good stuff. 232 00:12:57,483 --> 00:12:59,043 I'll write it on there. 233 00:12:59,043 --> 00:13:01,403 No prizes for guessing what I'm writing with. 234 00:13:06,803 --> 00:13:09,203 - Thanks for coming by. - Thank you. 235 00:13:10,723 --> 00:13:13,043 I think that was pretty conclusive. 236 00:13:13,083 --> 00:13:16,043 If you want to convince him to write that, 237 00:13:16,043 --> 00:13:19,523 telling him that he's gonna get laid is genius. 238 00:13:19,523 --> 00:13:22,403 And that tactic still works today, by the way. 239 00:13:22,443 --> 00:13:24,683 So who are you gonna give the points to, James? 240 00:13:24,683 --> 00:13:28,523 This is actually genuinely a hard one, and I am gonna 241 00:13:28,523 --> 00:13:30,083 split the points. 242 00:13:30,083 --> 00:13:32,043 Three points to Rosie Jones, two points for VCM. 243 00:13:32,043 --> 00:13:33,483 That's my final... that's my final word. 244 00:13:34,723 --> 00:13:37,043 We'll take that. 245 00:13:37,043 --> 00:13:39,163 It's time for James's Wishlist. 246 00:13:39,163 --> 00:13:43,283 # James's Wishlist Wish upon a star! # 247 00:13:43,283 --> 00:13:46,523 In this round we're gonna be picking something from James's ever-growing 248 00:13:46,523 --> 00:13:48,883 list of dreams, and our panellists are gonna tell us 249 00:13:48,883 --> 00:13:50,283 how they'd make it happen. 250 00:13:50,283 --> 00:13:52,523 This is a head to head for Isy and Toussaint. 251 00:13:52,563 --> 00:13:55,363 Best answer gets up to five points. 252 00:13:55,363 --> 00:13:56,883 What's on your wish list this week, James? 253 00:13:56,883 --> 00:14:00,603 Well, Josh, I'm currently setting up the world's first Jamesatorium, 254 00:14:00,603 --> 00:14:03,923 featuring exhibits from the wonderful world of Jameses. 255 00:14:03,923 --> 00:14:07,163 I've got a photo of St James's Square, a giant peach, 256 00:14:07,163 --> 00:14:09,803 and the band James are playing the grand opening. 257 00:14:09,803 --> 00:14:12,483 What if I told you that Isy and Toussaint 258 00:14:12,483 --> 00:14:16,843 are also going to source me an item of clothing owned by famous Jameses? 259 00:14:16,843 --> 00:14:19,803 Oh-ho-ho, get me a season ticket. Right. 260 00:14:19,803 --> 00:14:21,803 To clarify, the hypothetical is 261 00:14:21,803 --> 00:14:24,043 you must each acquire one item of clothing 262 00:14:24,043 --> 00:14:27,963 owned by a famous person called James. 263 00:14:27,963 --> 00:14:29,403 James, the rules. 264 00:14:29,403 --> 00:14:32,563 Only one item of clothing can make it into the Jamesatorium. 265 00:14:32,563 --> 00:14:34,683 The one I deem to be the best gets the points. 266 00:14:34,683 --> 00:14:37,523 But remember, the more impressive the James, 267 00:14:37,523 --> 00:14:40,003 the tougher the mission, so choose wisely. 268 00:14:40,003 --> 00:14:41,643 And it can't be me. 269 00:14:41,643 --> 00:14:44,283 I've already donated my pyjama bottoms. 270 00:14:44,283 --> 00:14:47,643 Isy, any Jameses jumping out at you? 271 00:14:47,643 --> 00:14:53,163 Well, the one that's jumping out at me is James Dornan, 272 00:14:53,163 --> 00:14:55,403 which is, you know, Jamie Dornan. 273 00:14:55,403 --> 00:14:57,043 - Jamie Dornan. - Yeah. 274 00:14:57,043 --> 00:14:59,243 I mean, I imagine his real name must be James. 275 00:14:59,243 --> 00:15:00,883 - I'll accept him. - Will you? 276 00:15:00,883 --> 00:15:03,443 Although I will warn you, in the James community 277 00:15:03,443 --> 00:15:05,963 we view Jamies as kind of weak. 278 00:15:10,643 --> 00:15:12,363 We don't respect them. 279 00:15:12,403 --> 00:15:13,843 I'm still gonna go for Jamie Dornan. 280 00:15:13,843 --> 00:15:15,043 Yeah, yeah. 281 00:15:15,043 --> 00:15:18,683 Um, I'm gonna get all of his clothing. 282 00:15:18,683 --> 00:15:20,883 So you know he was in Fifty Shades of Grey? 283 00:15:20,883 --> 00:15:22,403 Right, yeah, yeah. 284 00:15:22,403 --> 00:15:26,403 I'm gonna write another film, 285 00:15:26,403 --> 00:15:28,563 'cause he likes taking his clothes off. 286 00:15:28,563 --> 00:15:29,683 Yeah. 287 00:15:29,683 --> 00:15:31,483 Or he wouldn't have done it, you know. 288 00:15:31,523 --> 00:15:33,283 That's the way it works. 289 00:15:33,283 --> 00:15:36,243 That certainly sounds like a defence in court, doesn't it? 290 00:15:37,963 --> 00:15:39,563 I'm gonna ring his agent. 291 00:15:39,563 --> 00:15:41,883 I'm gonna say, "I've got the perfect project for him. 292 00:15:41,883 --> 00:15:44,163 "He doesn't have to wear any clothes at all." 293 00:15:45,283 --> 00:15:47,483 - Toussaint. - Mmm. 294 00:15:47,483 --> 00:15:48,803 Are you thinking of a James? 295 00:15:48,803 --> 00:15:53,203 The James that initially came to me was James Brown. 296 00:15:53,203 --> 00:15:54,843 There's a slight issue, obviously. 297 00:15:54,883 --> 00:15:56,243 - Mmm. - He's dead. 298 00:15:56,283 --> 00:15:58,003 Is he dead? God, I didn't know that. 299 00:15:58,003 --> 00:15:59,923 - Yeah. - What a way to find out. 300 00:15:59,923 --> 00:16:01,003 Yeah. 301 00:16:02,003 --> 00:16:06,043 Do you mind having a dead person's clothes in your Jamesatorium? 302 00:16:06,043 --> 00:16:09,043 No, it's a Jamesatorium. It's all about all things James. 303 00:16:09,043 --> 00:16:12,123 I mean having a Jamesatorium with nothing to do with James Brown in it 304 00:16:12,123 --> 00:16:13,803 would seem like an oversight. 305 00:16:13,803 --> 00:16:15,763 - And what about Jamie Dornan? - Jamie Dornan. 306 00:16:15,763 --> 00:16:18,483 I don't think people would really notice 307 00:16:18,483 --> 00:16:22,003 if there was no Jamie Dornan stuff there, to be fair. 308 00:16:22,003 --> 00:16:25,003 But, you know, it might be nice to see while you're walking around. 309 00:16:25,003 --> 00:16:27,283 You go, "Oh, hello," and his full outfit. 310 00:16:27,283 --> 00:16:28,883 Everyone else has just got, you know, bits and bobs. 311 00:16:28,923 --> 00:16:30,043 Yeah. 312 00:16:30,043 --> 00:16:31,683 We could just get Jamie Dornan's entire wardrobe. 313 00:16:31,683 --> 00:16:34,003 - You get his socks. - His socks, for example. 314 00:16:35,083 --> 00:16:37,403 - Do you want to keep on listing? - Earplugs. 315 00:16:37,403 --> 00:16:39,843 Whoa, I did not expect that second. 316 00:16:39,843 --> 00:16:42,203 James Brown, no earplugs. 317 00:16:42,203 --> 00:16:43,963 Famously, butt plug, though. 318 00:16:43,963 --> 00:16:45,843 - Oh, yeah? - Yeah, famously. 319 00:16:45,843 --> 00:16:48,123 - Genuinely? - Did no-one hear about that? 320 00:16:48,123 --> 00:16:49,323 No. 321 00:16:49,323 --> 00:16:51,203 Well, it's amazing that you didn't know he was dead. 322 00:16:53,203 --> 00:16:56,203 So you'd just approach the estate and you'd say... 323 00:16:56,243 --> 00:16:58,843 I would approach the estate and I would just say. 324 00:16:58,843 --> 00:17:01,003 Do you want me to be someone at the James Brown estate? 325 00:17:01,003 --> 00:17:02,683 Yeah, do you want to phone... 326 00:17:02,683 --> 00:17:04,363 Why don't you phone up the James Brown estate? 327 00:17:04,363 --> 00:17:05,523 All right, yeah, let's do that. 328 00:17:08,323 --> 00:17:10,523 Hi, hi. Is this the James Brown estate? 329 00:17:10,603 --> 00:17:13,123 Yeah, yeah. Hold on, sorry. 330 00:17:13,123 --> 00:17:15,003 I'm just a bit uncomfortable sitting down. 331 00:17:17,163 --> 00:17:22,203 Um, look, this is quite a sensitive, subject. 332 00:17:22,203 --> 00:17:24,403 You're telling me. That is the word. 333 00:17:24,443 --> 00:17:25,883 Extremely sensitive. 334 00:17:25,883 --> 00:17:27,723 I'm trying to source an item here, OK? 335 00:17:27,763 --> 00:17:28,803 Uh-huh. 336 00:17:28,803 --> 00:17:32,003 It's an item that was really precious to James, and I know 337 00:17:32,083 --> 00:17:33,563 to your whole family. 338 00:17:33,563 --> 00:17:35,203 Are you another person after the butt plug? 339 00:17:36,643 --> 00:17:40,283 Yes, yes, but I want to give it a good home. 340 00:17:40,283 --> 00:17:45,323 Um, a Jamesatorium, so it would be on display for, 341 00:17:45,323 --> 00:17:49,163 it would give joy to all those who love Jameses. 342 00:17:49,163 --> 00:17:51,283 What other things are in this Jamesatorium? 343 00:17:51,283 --> 00:17:52,683 Is there a giant peach? 344 00:17:52,683 --> 00:17:54,283 'Cause that would be perfect for the butt plug. 345 00:17:57,683 --> 00:17:59,803 I like your thinking. You're on board. 346 00:17:59,843 --> 00:18:01,523 Thank you very much. 347 00:18:01,523 --> 00:18:04,443 This is the most uncomfortable act-out we've ever had on the show. 348 00:18:05,923 --> 00:18:07,603 That's why I'm here. 349 00:18:07,603 --> 00:18:10,523 See you at the Jamesatorium, I guess. 350 00:18:14,643 --> 00:18:16,763 So, Isy, 351 00:18:16,763 --> 00:18:20,403 I mean, it would be difficult to lose from this position. 352 00:18:22,363 --> 00:18:23,563 Who are you ringing? 353 00:18:23,603 --> 00:18:26,323 I'm ringing Jamie Dornan's agent. 354 00:18:26,323 --> 00:18:27,763 What the fuck? 355 00:18:36,683 --> 00:18:38,123 Jamie Dornan's agent. 356 00:18:38,123 --> 00:18:40,523 Hello, is that Jamie Dornan's agent? 357 00:18:40,523 --> 00:18:42,203 Who is that? 358 00:18:45,043 --> 00:18:48,083 My name is Elaine Forester, 359 00:18:48,083 --> 00:18:51,123 and I'm the best writer in all the world. 360 00:18:51,123 --> 00:18:53,683 Listen, I gotta cut to the chase. 361 00:18:55,803 --> 00:18:59,203 You wanna make some sweet dollar for Jamie or what? 362 00:18:59,203 --> 00:19:01,323 Yeah, I'm their agent, that's what I do. 363 00:19:01,323 --> 00:19:03,883 Do you think he'd wanna do my movie? 364 00:19:03,883 --> 00:19:07,083 Pitch it to me. Let's hear this. Let's hear this movie. 365 00:19:07,083 --> 00:19:08,923 OK, lemme pitch it to you. 366 00:19:10,123 --> 00:19:11,843 I wish I'd thought of that. 367 00:19:13,763 --> 00:19:15,723 - There's a guy. - Yeah. 368 00:19:15,723 --> 00:19:18,083 He's called Christian White. 369 00:19:18,083 --> 00:19:20,043 Oh, Christian White. 370 00:19:20,043 --> 00:19:22,563 Yeah, and there's a girl. 371 00:19:22,603 --> 00:19:24,763 She's called Sally-Anne, OK? 372 00:19:24,763 --> 00:19:26,323 - Mmm. - They meet. 373 00:19:26,323 --> 00:19:29,523 It's called A Hundred Shades of Rainbow. 374 00:19:29,563 --> 00:19:31,163 Oh, I like it. Yeah, yeah. 375 00:19:31,163 --> 00:19:33,843 Do you think he'd wanna appear in my movie? 376 00:19:33,843 --> 00:19:36,883 Well, listen, is there any nudity? 377 00:19:36,883 --> 00:19:38,803 Because I have to be very clear, 378 00:19:38,803 --> 00:19:42,163 Jamie will not do any films that don't feature nudity. 379 00:19:42,163 --> 00:19:43,683 He loves it. 380 00:19:43,683 --> 00:19:45,443 He's gotta be naked throughout. 381 00:19:45,443 --> 00:19:48,003 The only thing we request is that in the very first scene, 382 00:19:48,003 --> 00:19:51,243 for the first three seconds, he's wearing earplugs and socks, 383 00:19:51,283 --> 00:19:52,883 and then he takes them off. 384 00:19:52,883 --> 00:19:54,403 Oh, that sounds good. 385 00:19:54,403 --> 00:19:57,123 He always wants me to ask how that's important to the plot. 386 00:19:57,123 --> 00:20:02,923 OK. He's in bed, he's got his earplugs in, like all good boys do. 387 00:20:02,923 --> 00:20:05,323 He's got his socks on 'cause it's very cold, 388 00:20:05,323 --> 00:20:08,643 but he's got no clothes on because it's a sexy time. 389 00:20:08,643 --> 00:20:11,003 Do you know what I mean when I say sexy time? 390 00:20:11,003 --> 00:20:13,723 Yeah, sometimes when I'm having sexy times 391 00:20:13,723 --> 00:20:18,843 I hate hearing the panting of my partner, so I earplug up good, 392 00:20:18,843 --> 00:20:22,323 and I don't hear any of their dirty talk and any of their criticisms, 393 00:20:22,323 --> 00:20:24,323 'cause there's a lot. 394 00:20:24,323 --> 00:20:25,843 You know what? 395 00:20:25,843 --> 00:20:28,523 I think you and I need to go for a drink one day. 396 00:20:28,523 --> 00:20:31,323 Hey, let me cut to the chase. Are you free this Saturday? 397 00:20:34,243 --> 00:20:36,523 OK, so me and you will go for a drink this Saturday, 398 00:20:36,523 --> 00:20:37,883 but let me cut to the chase. 399 00:20:37,883 --> 00:20:39,483 Is Jamie gonna do the movie? 400 00:20:39,483 --> 00:20:41,043 You bet he's gonna do the movie. 401 00:20:41,043 --> 00:20:45,203 - He's gonna sign on the dotted line? - He's gonna sign on the dotted line. 402 00:20:45,203 --> 00:20:48,643 We're gonna get the earplugs and the socks for the Jamesatorium? 403 00:20:48,643 --> 00:20:50,043 Yeah, absolutely. 404 00:20:50,043 --> 00:20:52,923 You got yourself a deal, and a new husband. 405 00:20:54,923 --> 00:20:57,443 - Goodbye. - Bye. 406 00:21:03,803 --> 00:21:05,643 Who are you gonna give the points to, James? 407 00:21:05,643 --> 00:21:07,403 I'm giving it to Jamie Dornan. Four points. 408 00:21:10,123 --> 00:21:12,323 Next up, it's time for the Great Wall of Celebrities. 409 00:21:16,283 --> 00:21:17,323 There they are. 410 00:21:17,323 --> 00:21:20,083 Weird they're in separate boxes when they all live in the same house. 411 00:21:20,083 --> 00:21:21,523 There they are. 412 00:21:21,523 --> 00:21:23,643 Any exciting ones for you there? 413 00:21:23,643 --> 00:21:27,363 Kadeena Cox really, like, I don't know if you've ever 414 00:21:27,363 --> 00:21:29,403 heard her talk, she really reminds me of you, Isy. 415 00:21:29,403 --> 00:21:30,683 Does she? 416 00:21:30,683 --> 00:21:32,803 Same with you and Mr Motivator, Victoria. 417 00:21:34,243 --> 00:21:35,723 Right, who are you gonna go for? 418 00:21:35,723 --> 00:21:39,203 Now you've pointed out my similarity to Mr Motivator. 419 00:21:39,243 --> 00:21:40,283 Yeah. 420 00:21:40,283 --> 00:21:42,363 Let's see if we think alike. 421 00:21:42,363 --> 00:21:45,163 The squirrel fairy is going to bestow one of the following squirrel 422 00:21:45,203 --> 00:21:47,123 characteristics on you. 423 00:21:47,163 --> 00:21:49,363 Which do you choose? 424 00:22:01,083 --> 00:22:04,763 Has somebody asked these questions of Mr Motivator? 425 00:22:04,763 --> 00:22:06,043 Yeah. 426 00:22:06,043 --> 00:22:09,083 I know he's usually a very serious man, 427 00:22:09,083 --> 00:22:11,883 but, we thought we'd have a laugh. 428 00:22:11,883 --> 00:22:14,483 There's absolutely no way Mr Motivator said he wanted to mate 429 00:22:14,483 --> 00:22:16,083 with up to 14 sexual partners a day. 430 00:22:16,083 --> 00:22:18,163 The man's not an animal. 431 00:22:18,163 --> 00:22:21,323 C - he already can run very quickly across any clothesline. 432 00:22:21,323 --> 00:22:22,323 Yes. 433 00:22:22,323 --> 00:22:24,163 That's one of Mr Motivator's core skills. 434 00:22:24,163 --> 00:22:25,963 So it must be A. 435 00:22:25,963 --> 00:22:28,563 - Possib...very... - A is what I'd want. 436 00:22:28,563 --> 00:22:30,483 - Is it? - Yes! 437 00:22:30,483 --> 00:22:32,763 But you were saying B just the other day. 438 00:22:32,763 --> 00:22:36,003 I remember you saying about, "I wish so much..." 439 00:22:36,003 --> 00:22:39,363 Listen, I wish I didn't have B. 440 00:22:41,443 --> 00:22:44,003 The reason we don't mate with 14 sexual partners a day 441 00:22:44,003 --> 00:22:45,923 is surely through choice, right? 442 00:22:45,923 --> 00:22:48,043 We retain those shreds of dignity. 443 00:22:48,043 --> 00:22:50,123 I think by the fifth one you'd be like, 444 00:22:50,123 --> 00:22:51,883 "Oh, no, 445 00:22:51,883 --> 00:22:54,363 "I really shouldn't have entered into this.". 446 00:22:56,203 --> 00:22:58,443 Let's have a look at what Mr Motivator said. 447 00:22:58,443 --> 00:23:02,803 Yeah, mate with up to 14 partners a day. 448 00:23:02,803 --> 00:23:05,523 That's me. Mmm-hmm. 449 00:23:07,283 --> 00:23:09,643 Let me tell you, we've heard... 450 00:23:12,483 --> 00:23:16,283 ..we've heard his answers for other questions across the series, 451 00:23:16,283 --> 00:23:18,203 and that does not surprise us. 452 00:23:18,203 --> 00:23:20,843 That is par for the course. 453 00:23:20,843 --> 00:23:23,563 Where was he when I was talking about butt plugs? 454 00:23:25,243 --> 00:23:27,203 - Right. - Oh. 455 00:23:27,203 --> 00:23:28,523 Who do you want? 456 00:23:28,523 --> 00:23:32,163 Palsies stick together. 457 00:23:32,163 --> 00:23:36,763 Let's go for Lost Voice Guy. 458 00:23:36,763 --> 00:23:38,043 Lost Voice Guy. 459 00:23:38,043 --> 00:23:41,283 You have to change your name by deed poll to one of the following. 460 00:23:52,283 --> 00:23:53,683 What would you do? 461 00:23:53,683 --> 00:23:56,403 Obviously Claire. 462 00:23:56,403 --> 00:23:59,123 Mmm. Yeah. That was my first thought as well. 463 00:23:59,123 --> 00:24:02,163 Does anyone else, when you see a Claire's Accessories, 464 00:24:02,163 --> 00:24:04,603 do you sing it in your head to the tune of 'Bare Necessities', 465 00:24:04,603 --> 00:24:06,523 or is it just me? 466 00:24:09,363 --> 00:24:11,363 You know what? 467 00:24:11,363 --> 00:24:17,363 I'm leaning towards WH Smith, 468 00:24:17,363 --> 00:24:22,163 because it's the most normal name. 469 00:24:22,163 --> 00:24:23,843 Uh-huh. So you're going WH Smith? 470 00:24:23,843 --> 00:24:25,203 WH Smith. Yeah. 471 00:24:25,203 --> 00:24:26,323 Let's see. 472 00:24:26,323 --> 00:24:31,683 WH Smith, because hopefully they'd install a post office in me, 473 00:24:31,683 --> 00:24:34,803 then I could do all my post from home. 474 00:24:34,803 --> 00:24:37,043 Correct! 475 00:24:39,803 --> 00:24:41,443 Who do you want? 476 00:24:41,443 --> 00:24:43,283 I think we should go for Angellica Bell. 477 00:24:43,283 --> 00:24:44,283 OK. 478 00:24:44,283 --> 00:24:45,803 I just always think she looks very jolly. 479 00:24:45,803 --> 00:24:47,243 She's doing a little dance. 480 00:24:47,243 --> 00:24:49,723 Angellica, you started your career in kids' TV. 481 00:24:49,723 --> 00:24:52,403 Which kids' TV punishment would you choose to go through 482 00:24:52,403 --> 00:24:54,123 every single day? 483 00:25:03,803 --> 00:25:05,483 Which would you choose? 484 00:25:05,483 --> 00:25:07,963 I'd definitely choose a custard pie in the face. 485 00:25:07,963 --> 00:25:11,323 - Would you? - I mean, I think that would be fun. 486 00:25:11,323 --> 00:25:13,603 That would be on my list of things to do. 487 00:25:13,603 --> 00:25:15,283 I think you're r... I think it's the pie. I'm with you. 488 00:25:15,283 --> 00:25:16,523 I think Isy's right. I think it's pie. 489 00:25:16,523 --> 00:25:17,523 Yeah. 490 00:25:17,523 --> 00:25:19,243 Let's have a look if Angellica Bell agreed with you. 491 00:25:19,243 --> 00:25:21,003 I'd probably have the hundred children in my house. 492 00:25:21,003 --> 00:25:22,883 - How long would they be there? - Hundred kids in the house. 493 00:25:22,883 --> 00:25:24,323 Hundred kids in the house. 494 00:25:24,323 --> 00:25:26,163 - Every day? - Apparently. 495 00:25:26,163 --> 00:25:27,843 Do you have to feed them? 496 00:25:29,123 --> 00:25:31,363 I need to explain to Angellica, 497 00:25:31,363 --> 00:25:34,403 I haven't had five hours sleep in one go since 2015 498 00:25:34,403 --> 00:25:36,203 and we've got one child in the house. 499 00:25:37,323 --> 00:25:38,923 That's the end of that round. 500 00:25:40,163 --> 00:25:43,563 But of course we'll see the celebrities again later 501 00:25:43,563 --> 00:25:45,603 in the show for Big Hat Small Hat. 502 00:25:45,603 --> 00:25:48,483 It's time for the next round, which is Not For a Million Quid. 503 00:25:54,003 --> 00:25:56,083 What would you do with a million pounds, James? 504 00:25:56,083 --> 00:25:58,163 Er, I'd make a rocket that looks like my ding-dong 505 00:25:58,163 --> 00:26:00,403 and send it into space. 506 00:26:00,843 --> 00:26:02,883 - Like Jeff Bezos? - Who? 507 00:26:02,883 --> 00:26:07,123 In this round we want to know how much you'd need to be paid to live 508 00:26:07,123 --> 00:26:08,763 through a hypothetical situation. 509 00:26:08,763 --> 00:26:11,043 The lowest bidder has to tell us how they'd do it. 510 00:26:11,043 --> 00:26:13,203 There's three points on offer if we think they'd pull it off, 511 00:26:13,203 --> 00:26:16,603 and if I don't believe your bid is genuine I'll disqualify you. 512 00:26:16,603 --> 00:26:22,083 The question is how much to only travel by post for a year? 513 00:26:24,163 --> 00:26:25,803 James, the rules. 514 00:26:25,803 --> 00:26:28,323 The only journey you're allowed to make on foot 515 00:26:28,323 --> 00:26:29,843 is to the post office. 516 00:26:29,883 --> 00:26:31,523 Don't worry about postage costs. 517 00:26:31,523 --> 00:26:34,163 We'll cover that, cause you've got enough on your plate. 518 00:26:34,163 --> 00:26:36,443 OK. Any questions? 519 00:26:36,443 --> 00:26:39,443 I feel like if I started asking questions about this it'd never stop. 520 00:26:39,443 --> 00:26:41,203 I mean... 521 00:26:41,563 --> 00:26:43,363 Let's get onto the bidding, then. 522 00:26:43,363 --> 00:26:46,403 How much it would cost you for a year, every journey you make, 523 00:26:46,403 --> 00:26:48,203 you are posted. 524 00:26:48,243 --> 00:26:52,843 Never seen more serious looks on the panellists' faces. 525 00:26:52,843 --> 00:26:55,483 - Right, everyone bid? - Yeah. 526 00:26:55,483 --> 00:26:57,563 Shall we start with you, Rosie? 527 00:26:57,563 --> 00:26:59,803 You know what? 528 00:26:59,803 --> 00:27:04,043 I really, really want to do this, 529 00:27:04,043 --> 00:27:10,323 so I would genuinely do it for 40 quid. 530 00:27:13,363 --> 00:27:16,083 What are the pluses? 531 00:27:16,123 --> 00:27:19,363 Oh, so many pluses! 532 00:27:19,363 --> 00:27:24,403 I can't be arsed walking, 533 00:27:24,403 --> 00:27:28,803 and just the joy 534 00:27:28,803 --> 00:27:32,563 of everywhere I go, 535 00:27:32,563 --> 00:27:36,443 someone being confused 536 00:27:36,443 --> 00:27:39,643 and being like, "What's this?" 537 00:27:39,643 --> 00:27:42,923 and me going, "Hello!" 538 00:27:44,843 --> 00:27:47,243 Oh, yeah. 539 00:27:47,243 --> 00:27:49,803 I want to do it. 540 00:27:49,803 --> 00:27:51,243 Toussaint? 541 00:27:51,243 --> 00:27:54,363 - I put 500k. - Yeah. 542 00:27:54,363 --> 00:27:58,483 For the kind of physical and emotional costs of being 543 00:27:58,483 --> 00:28:02,403 labelled a damaged item, 544 00:28:02,403 --> 00:28:04,283 I'm gonna need some money. 545 00:28:04,283 --> 00:28:05,283 Isy? 546 00:28:05,283 --> 00:28:07,963 Er, I've gone for 350k. 547 00:28:07,963 --> 00:28:11,363 - Yeah. - Um, I just... 548 00:28:11,363 --> 00:28:14,363 I think you'd get a bit bruised. 549 00:28:14,363 --> 00:28:16,723 I'd find it a bit lonely being on the journey. 550 00:28:16,723 --> 00:28:18,123 I'm a bit of a control freak. 551 00:28:18,123 --> 00:28:19,883 I like to know when I'm gonna get to places. 552 00:28:19,883 --> 00:28:21,963 I've considered it, boys. It's not for me. 553 00:28:23,203 --> 00:28:25,563 - Victoria. - I've put £5 million. 554 00:28:25,603 --> 00:28:26,803 Yes. 555 00:28:26,843 --> 00:28:28,843 Time is the problem. 556 00:28:28,843 --> 00:28:31,523 I have not got time to post myself everywhere. 557 00:28:31,523 --> 00:28:32,563 Yeah. 558 00:28:32,563 --> 00:28:34,163 So there isn't an amount I'd do it for. 559 00:28:34,163 --> 00:28:35,563 Fair enough, fair enough. 560 00:28:35,563 --> 00:28:37,643 Although if you said £5 million is available I would rethink. 561 00:28:37,643 --> 00:28:39,283 It's not, 562 00:28:39,283 --> 00:28:41,123 but 40 quid is. 563 00:28:41,123 --> 00:28:42,963 40 quid. 564 00:28:42,963 --> 00:28:47,763 Can I have two £20 notes? 565 00:28:48,803 --> 00:28:50,203 You can have two £20 notes, 566 00:28:50,203 --> 00:28:52,163 but we do need to know that you'd be able to do it. 567 00:28:52,163 --> 00:28:53,163 Yeah. 568 00:28:53,163 --> 00:28:55,243 Is there a little test we can give Rosie, just to...? 569 00:28:55,243 --> 00:28:57,843 Yeah, if you don't mind, Rosie, I'd like to put this to the test. 570 00:28:57,843 --> 00:28:59,483 James, have we got any props for this? 571 00:28:59,483 --> 00:29:01,643 - Yeah, it's right there. - Oh, yeah. Sorry, my mistake. 572 00:29:01,643 --> 00:29:04,563 Right, James, do you want to be the postmaster? 573 00:29:04,563 --> 00:29:05,603 Yeah. 574 00:29:05,603 --> 00:29:07,643 I'm gonna work at the post office. 575 00:29:08,603 --> 00:29:09,963 Rosie? 576 00:29:11,323 --> 00:29:15,603 How long have you worked here for? 577 00:29:15,603 --> 00:29:17,003 Quite a while now. 578 00:29:17,003 --> 00:29:19,363 Oh, yeah, come round behind the counter. Why not? 579 00:29:19,363 --> 00:29:21,803 Normally people don't come round here. 580 00:29:21,803 --> 00:29:24,643 - I get very lonely. - OK. 581 00:29:24,643 --> 00:29:28,363 Right. All right, love. 582 00:29:28,363 --> 00:29:34,043 I've got a little query for you. 583 00:29:34,083 --> 00:29:35,843 Oh, yeah? I love queries. 584 00:29:35,843 --> 00:29:42,643 I want you to send a very special parcel. 585 00:29:42,643 --> 00:29:45,163 I need to know what it is, cause, like, earlier this week someone 586 00:29:45,163 --> 00:29:46,843 had me send a butt plug to a museum. 587 00:29:46,843 --> 00:29:49,243 - Oh, no. - I need to know. 588 00:29:49,283 --> 00:29:53,403 It is me. 589 00:29:53,403 --> 00:29:55,563 - You? - Yeah. 590 00:29:55,563 --> 00:29:56,923 OK. 591 00:29:56,923 --> 00:30:01,723 I need to just check how much you have to pay. 592 00:30:04,603 --> 00:30:06,723 You got past the knuckles. 593 00:30:08,323 --> 00:30:10,403 That's actually quite impressive, 594 00:30:10,403 --> 00:30:13,123 but I think your hand is genuinely stuck. 595 00:30:13,123 --> 00:30:15,163 Yeah, that's on there pretty good. 596 00:30:16,923 --> 00:30:19,163 I'm gonna put you down as a large letter. 597 00:30:22,363 --> 00:30:24,763 I mean, if we're gonna put you in there, 598 00:30:24,803 --> 00:30:27,243 I guess you'd need to be bubble-wrapped up or something. 599 00:30:27,243 --> 00:30:29,363 Of course! 600 00:30:29,363 --> 00:30:31,283 - Um... - Er... 601 00:30:31,283 --> 00:30:34,043 I love doing this. 602 00:30:34,043 --> 00:30:37,643 - You love doing? - Thank you for helping me. 603 00:30:37,643 --> 00:30:39,163 Oh, you're welcome. 604 00:30:39,163 --> 00:30:41,923 I mean, if you want I can put it popper side up, 605 00:30:41,923 --> 00:30:43,483 so that you get to pop it while you're lying there. 606 00:30:43,483 --> 00:30:45,843 - Oh! - I'm a considerate guy. 607 00:30:45,843 --> 00:30:49,683 You are a gentleman. 608 00:30:49,683 --> 00:30:51,363 - Yeah, just. - Right. 609 00:30:51,363 --> 00:30:53,803 If you want to lie down this end. 610 00:30:53,843 --> 00:30:56,083 And just roll me. 611 00:30:56,083 --> 00:30:57,443 Ah. 612 00:30:57,443 --> 00:30:59,203 Oh, does that feel nice? 613 00:31:03,243 --> 00:31:05,643 I've gotta be honest, I'm kind of jealous here. 614 00:31:05,643 --> 00:31:07,963 I always wanted to do this. 615 00:31:09,563 --> 00:31:12,243 - Oh! Oh! - It's extremely sexual. 616 00:31:15,043 --> 00:31:18,323 Are you close? OK. 617 00:31:22,403 --> 00:31:26,403 Here we go. I'll just wrap you up here. 618 00:31:26,443 --> 00:31:28,403 Oh, yeah. 619 00:31:32,643 --> 00:31:35,723 Oh, lovely. 620 00:31:35,723 --> 00:31:37,763 There you go. 621 00:31:37,763 --> 00:31:40,683 You're nice and bubbly, you're very protected. 622 00:31:40,683 --> 00:31:43,203 I think no one's getting into that. 623 00:31:43,203 --> 00:31:45,523 Pop me. 624 00:31:47,963 --> 00:31:51,283 This is like if Fifty Shades of Grey was set in WH Smith. 625 00:31:53,083 --> 00:31:54,963 I'm ready. 626 00:31:54,963 --> 00:31:57,403 I'm just gonna get some stamps for you here. 627 00:31:57,403 --> 00:31:59,243 Some hypothetical stamps for you. 628 00:31:59,243 --> 00:32:00,843 How many stamps do you need? 629 00:32:00,843 --> 00:32:04,003 How heavy, am I? 630 00:32:04,003 --> 00:32:05,923 Are you asking me to guess? 631 00:32:06,443 --> 00:32:08,003 Yeah. 632 00:32:08,003 --> 00:32:09,963 Where do you... Oh, I shouldn't ask this. 633 00:32:19,723 --> 00:32:22,963 Er, I'm gonna need some sort of verbal confirmation 634 00:32:22,963 --> 00:32:26,643 of where you want them, because if I just go 635 00:32:26,643 --> 00:32:29,843 with what I think you're saying and then I get it wrong. 636 00:32:29,843 --> 00:32:31,883 On my bum. 637 00:32:31,883 --> 00:32:33,843 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 638 00:32:33,843 --> 00:32:36,083 Here we go. 639 00:32:38,003 --> 00:32:40,083 Am I trying to pop the bubble-wrap here? 640 00:32:40,083 --> 00:32:41,763 Yeah, yeah. 641 00:32:41,763 --> 00:32:44,163 Is licking not required? 642 00:32:45,043 --> 00:32:47,763 For the stamps, for the stamps. 643 00:32:47,763 --> 00:32:50,203 They're self-adhesive. 644 00:32:50,203 --> 00:32:52,083 That's my supervisor. 645 00:32:56,003 --> 00:32:59,803 Just, delicately place that on there. 646 00:33:01,243 --> 00:33:03,923 - One. - One. 647 00:33:05,243 --> 00:33:08,683 And another one. 648 00:33:09,843 --> 00:33:13,363 Well, this is one of those rare act-outs where this looks funnier 649 00:33:13,363 --> 00:33:15,723 from my angle than the audience's. 650 00:33:15,723 --> 00:33:20,363 So, have you got a box? 651 00:33:20,363 --> 00:33:25,643 Did you expect me to bring my own box? 652 00:33:25,643 --> 00:33:29,363 Sorry. I can try and get this on you if you like. 653 00:33:29,363 --> 00:33:32,643 No, just pop it there 654 00:33:32,763 --> 00:33:37,163 and I'll sort it out myself. 655 00:33:37,163 --> 00:33:39,323 There you go. Is that OK like this? 656 00:33:39,323 --> 00:33:43,323 That is. Thank you for your help. 657 00:33:43,323 --> 00:33:45,643 You're welcome. And bye. 658 00:33:45,643 --> 00:33:47,163 Bon voyage. 659 00:34:01,483 --> 00:34:04,283 Did somebody put any airholes in there, or? 660 00:34:04,323 --> 00:34:08,083 James, do you think Rosie could do it? 661 00:34:08,083 --> 00:34:10,443 I think Rosie did do it. Three points to Rosie. 662 00:34:12,763 --> 00:34:14,883 Yeah! 663 00:34:16,163 --> 00:34:18,163 It's time for On the Spot. 664 00:34:24,763 --> 00:34:27,803 In this round we're going to deliver a series of rapid fire hypotheticals, 665 00:34:27,803 --> 00:34:31,723 which we want our panellists to solve as quickly as possible. 666 00:34:31,723 --> 00:34:34,723 I will read out the hypothetical and then James will say the name 667 00:34:34,723 --> 00:34:37,123 of the person who he wants to answer it. 668 00:34:37,123 --> 00:34:39,883 But if we think the answer is stupid we will hit our buttons 669 00:34:39,883 --> 00:34:42,523 to stop the clock and ask what the hell you're on about. 670 00:34:42,523 --> 00:34:44,603 Best player wins the round. 671 00:34:44,603 --> 00:34:46,083 OK, here we go. 672 00:34:46,083 --> 00:34:47,683 Lighting change, please. 673 00:34:49,243 --> 00:34:51,603 It's widely accepted that the five-second rule is nonsense. 674 00:34:51,603 --> 00:34:53,883 You must come up with a more sensible rule for dropped food. 675 00:34:53,883 --> 00:34:55,083 Jones. 676 00:34:55,083 --> 00:34:56,843 Always eat it. 677 00:34:59,483 --> 00:35:01,243 You've been turned into a pigeon. 678 00:35:01,243 --> 00:35:03,163 - What's the first thing you do? - Coren Mitchell. 679 00:35:03,163 --> 00:35:05,083 Shit on everyone? 680 00:35:08,603 --> 00:35:12,963 This round really helps us glimpse the real people. 681 00:35:12,963 --> 00:35:14,803 Wood, laminate, carpet are getting stale. 682 00:35:14,803 --> 00:35:16,523 You must come up with a fresh new surface for the world 683 00:35:16,523 --> 00:35:18,083 of domestic flooring. 684 00:35:18,083 --> 00:35:19,683 - Douglass. - Cream. 685 00:35:19,683 --> 00:35:21,203 Yeah. 686 00:35:21,203 --> 00:35:22,923 You can just slide along it. 687 00:35:22,923 --> 00:35:24,563 Oh, yeah, that would be good. 688 00:35:24,563 --> 00:35:26,283 And if you want to have a lick, have a lick. 689 00:35:26,283 --> 00:35:27,803 Yeah. 690 00:35:27,803 --> 00:35:29,323 Good slogan. 691 00:35:29,843 --> 00:35:33,883 Upper Crust's domination of the railway food scene must end. 692 00:35:33,883 --> 00:35:36,123 Come up with the next train platform food stop. 693 00:35:36,123 --> 00:35:37,123 Suttie. 694 00:35:37,123 --> 00:35:39,483 Lower Crust. 695 00:35:39,483 --> 00:35:42,203 Stale bread filled with things that I found on the floor 696 00:35:42,203 --> 00:35:43,683 in the railway station. 697 00:35:44,723 --> 00:35:46,403 For a year you have to wear shoes on your hands. 698 00:35:46,403 --> 00:35:48,163 What excuse do you give when people ask you 699 00:35:48,163 --> 00:35:49,283 what the bloody hell you're up to? 700 00:35:49,283 --> 00:35:50,283 Jones. 701 00:35:50,283 --> 00:35:53,723 I'm disabled. 702 00:35:57,163 --> 00:35:59,683 The makers of the "live, love, laugh" signs are now billionaires. 703 00:35:59,683 --> 00:36:01,963 Come up with the next wall-mountable slogan for idiots. 704 00:36:01,963 --> 00:36:05,163 - Coren Mitchell. - What are you talking about? 705 00:36:05,163 --> 00:36:07,203 The makers of what? 706 00:36:07,203 --> 00:36:08,763 So there are signs... 707 00:36:10,003 --> 00:36:12,883 There are signs that people have made that say "live, laugh, love", 708 00:36:12,883 --> 00:36:15,003 and people like to put them up in their kitchen 709 00:36:15,043 --> 00:36:18,163 to show everyone that those are their values and stuff. 710 00:36:18,163 --> 00:36:21,243 The slogan should be "This is all finite, nothing matters". 711 00:36:23,163 --> 00:36:25,883 - I would buy it. - I would buy it. 712 00:36:25,883 --> 00:36:28,243 I like "live, love, laugh". 713 00:36:28,243 --> 00:36:31,843 The government has agreed that every home must replace one household 714 00:36:31,843 --> 00:36:34,763 appliance with an animal that can do the task instead. 715 00:36:34,763 --> 00:36:37,363 What appliance is leaving your house and what creature is coming in? 716 00:36:37,403 --> 00:36:38,483 Douglass. 717 00:36:38,483 --> 00:36:40,603 Er, dishwasher and pet monkey. 718 00:36:40,603 --> 00:36:41,683 Yeah. 719 00:36:41,683 --> 00:36:44,003 The word "gastropub" is to be replaced with a noise. 720 00:36:44,003 --> 00:36:45,483 - Let's hear it. - Suttie. 721 00:36:45,483 --> 00:36:48,243 Er-er-er. 722 00:36:48,243 --> 00:36:50,843 The hand hold, the lingering hug, the snog with tongues. 723 00:36:50,843 --> 00:36:53,323 - Come up with the next PDA. - Coren Mitchell. 724 00:36:53,323 --> 00:36:55,323 Nothing. I don't believe in that sort of thing. 725 00:36:56,723 --> 00:36:58,363 I mean, yeah. 726 00:36:58,363 --> 00:37:00,683 I told you we shouldn't give her that one. 727 00:37:00,723 --> 00:37:03,403 The beer hat, the fish bowl, the jello shot. 728 00:37:03,403 --> 00:37:06,123 The alcoholic industry have asked you to come up with the next wacky 729 00:37:06,123 --> 00:37:07,563 way to consume booze. 730 00:37:07,563 --> 00:37:08,963 - What is it? - Douglass. 731 00:37:08,963 --> 00:37:10,963 The eye hop. 732 00:37:10,963 --> 00:37:15,563 Yeah, so it's where you, like, hop, and then just ding it in your eye. 733 00:37:15,563 --> 00:37:18,003 - The eye hop. - Very good. 734 00:37:18,003 --> 00:37:20,203 It's the hottest day of the year and you're incredibly thirsty. 735 00:37:20,203 --> 00:37:22,283 - What do you do? - Coren Mitchell. 736 00:37:22,283 --> 00:37:23,843 This is just terrifying. 737 00:37:23,843 --> 00:37:26,443 This is like those psychological tests and you're gonna show me 738 00:37:26,443 --> 00:37:28,963 an inkblot and I'm gonna shout "My grandfather's balls!" 739 00:37:28,963 --> 00:37:31,283 And you'll completely reveal. 740 00:37:31,283 --> 00:37:33,923 You see, this, immediate, into the unconscious, 741 00:37:33,923 --> 00:37:35,923 and what you might shout, there's an audience watching 742 00:37:35,923 --> 00:37:37,723 and they could, this is terrifying. 743 00:37:37,723 --> 00:37:39,043 What was the question? 744 00:37:39,043 --> 00:37:41,323 It's the hottest day of the year and you're incredibly thirsty. 745 00:37:41,323 --> 00:37:42,963 What do you do? 746 00:37:42,963 --> 00:37:45,923 I mean, is the answer not have a drink of water? 747 00:37:45,923 --> 00:37:47,843 - What am I missing? - Well, yeah. 748 00:37:47,883 --> 00:37:51,043 It says after this "There's always an easy one in there and you're 749 00:37:51,043 --> 00:37:52,563 today's lucky player.". 750 00:37:52,563 --> 00:37:54,363 - I would drink a glass of water. - Yeah, yeah. 751 00:37:54,363 --> 00:37:56,283 - It's just an easy one, that one. - Oh, thank God. 752 00:37:56,283 --> 00:37:58,363 But let's talk more about your grandfather's balls. 753 00:38:02,363 --> 00:38:04,243 When is the end of the round? 754 00:38:08,563 --> 00:38:10,603 We can't say "happy birthday" anymore. 755 00:38:10,603 --> 00:38:12,523 Thanks a lot, woke brigade. 756 00:38:12,523 --> 00:38:15,043 We need a new way to wish someone well on the day they were born. 757 00:38:15,043 --> 00:38:16,963 Suttie. 758 00:38:16,963 --> 00:38:18,763 Er, ooh, 759 00:38:18,763 --> 00:38:20,843 someone's lucky. 760 00:38:23,123 --> 00:38:24,763 Yeah, I love it. 761 00:38:24,763 --> 00:38:26,243 Double points. 762 00:38:26,243 --> 00:38:28,283 Happy to let that go on for as long as possible. 763 00:38:28,323 --> 00:38:29,963 Didn't want to move on from that. 764 00:38:29,963 --> 00:38:33,443 You must successfully rent out your loo for one grand a night Airbnb. 765 00:38:33,443 --> 00:38:35,363 - How do you do it? - Jones? 766 00:38:35,363 --> 00:38:41,843 Oh, I'm in there on the toilet, 767 00:38:41,843 --> 00:38:47,563 and it's like an audience with Rosie Jones. 768 00:38:47,563 --> 00:38:50,843 Well, what's the, I don't want you to recreate it properly, 769 00:38:50,843 --> 00:38:52,843 but what's your pose you're doing? 770 00:38:59,803 --> 00:39:02,203 One grand. Sold. 771 00:39:02,203 --> 00:39:04,043 You must circumnavigate the earth. 772 00:39:04,083 --> 00:39:06,283 Oh, so close. 773 00:39:06,323 --> 00:39:07,683 That's the end of the round. 774 00:39:07,683 --> 00:39:09,523 James, who are you giving the points to? 775 00:39:09,523 --> 00:39:12,323 Er, well, just for that final image I've got to give it to Rosie Jones. 776 00:39:12,323 --> 00:39:14,403 Of course the points are going there. 777 00:39:16,363 --> 00:39:18,403 And how many points, is it? 778 00:39:18,403 --> 00:39:20,563 As always, this round is worth one point. 779 00:39:20,603 --> 00:39:22,523 - Congratulations. - One point. 780 00:39:22,523 --> 00:39:25,003 It's time for our final round, the one that decides it all. 781 00:39:25,003 --> 00:39:26,603 We're heading back to the Wall of Celebs 782 00:39:26,603 --> 00:39:29,443 to ask the biggest question in show business. 783 00:39:29,443 --> 00:39:31,403 It's big hat or small hat? 784 00:39:36,403 --> 00:39:39,003 We asked our celebs one final, all-important question - 785 00:39:39,003 --> 00:39:40,643 big hat or small hat? 786 00:39:40,643 --> 00:39:41,843 James, the rules. 787 00:39:41,843 --> 00:39:43,963 We told the celebrities you have to wear the hat for the rest 788 00:39:44,003 --> 00:39:46,763 of your life, you can't wear a medium size hat over the small 789 00:39:46,803 --> 00:39:49,963 hat, and these are the hats. 790 00:39:49,963 --> 00:39:53,043 All you have to tell us is which hat the celebrity chose. 791 00:39:53,043 --> 00:39:55,363 James, before this question, what are the scores? 792 00:39:55,363 --> 00:39:57,803 Sunny has six points, while Cher is in the lead 793 00:39:57,803 --> 00:39:59,203 with eight points. 794 00:39:59,203 --> 00:40:01,843 And who is this question for and how many points is it worth? 795 00:40:01,843 --> 00:40:04,683 It's for Sunny and it's worth three points. 796 00:40:04,723 --> 00:40:05,883 Ooh. 797 00:40:05,883 --> 00:40:08,083 So, Sunny, it all comes down to this. 798 00:40:08,083 --> 00:40:10,803 Can we have the dramatic lighting change, please? 799 00:40:10,803 --> 00:40:13,523 Which celebrity would you like to choose to play 800 00:40:13,523 --> 00:40:15,683 Big Hat Small Hat? 801 00:40:15,683 --> 00:40:17,603 - Well, I love Lost Voice Guy. - Yeah. 802 00:40:17,603 --> 00:40:19,963 -I think he's very funny. - He's great. 803 00:40:19,963 --> 00:40:21,963 - Please. - Um, so, yeah. 804 00:40:22,043 --> 00:40:23,483 And what hat do you think he'd wear? 805 00:40:23,483 --> 00:40:25,643 My instincts are saying big hat. 806 00:40:25,683 --> 00:40:27,083 Mmm-hmm. 807 00:40:27,083 --> 00:40:29,243 - Victoria? - I like your instincts. 808 00:40:29,243 --> 00:40:31,563 - I think that's a good call. - Let's see. 809 00:40:31,563 --> 00:40:34,523 To win the game, Lost Voice Guy, big hat. 810 00:40:34,523 --> 00:40:38,843 The big hat, because now I look like the Monopoly man. 811 00:40:38,843 --> 00:40:40,363 He's gone big hat. 812 00:40:40,363 --> 00:40:42,363 Yay! 813 00:40:42,363 --> 00:40:44,963 James, what are the final scores? 814 00:40:44,963 --> 00:40:48,363 That means Cher has eight points, but Sunny are the winners 815 00:40:48,363 --> 00:40:49,963 with nine points. 816 00:40:49,963 --> 00:40:51,963 - Yes. - Well done. 817 00:40:51,963 --> 00:40:53,283 Congratulations, Sunny. 818 00:40:53,283 --> 00:40:56,443 You've proved your worth in a non-existent hypothetical universe. 819 00:40:56,443 --> 00:40:58,843 You are this week's winners. James, what have they won? 820 00:40:58,843 --> 00:41:01,723 As I said before, the hypothetical prizes are Danny Dyer's 821 00:41:01,763 --> 00:41:04,443 deep-fat fryer, one incredibly nervous vole, 822 00:41:04,443 --> 00:41:07,323 a packet of pre-sucked Twiglets and a bucket of tar. 823 00:41:07,323 --> 00:41:09,163 But those were just hypothetical prizes. 824 00:41:09,163 --> 00:41:11,723 You've actually won my grandfather's balls! 825 00:41:13,003 --> 00:41:16,083 Thanks to our guests, Victoria Coren Mitchell, 826 00:41:16,083 --> 00:41:17,723 Isy Suttie, 827 00:41:17,723 --> 00:41:20,443 Rosie Jones and Toussaint Douglass. 828 00:41:20,443 --> 00:41:23,803 And special thanks to my co-host and points enthusiast James Acaster. 829 00:41:23,803 --> 00:41:25,003 Goodnight.