Pootie Shoe News Dump.
Cuties, dudies, this is Pootie.
I know you're wondering why I have not been streaming Mythic Quest today.
Before we get into it, I just want to say that
I've been playing this game since I was a kid,
and it's really always going to occupy a very special place inside my heart.
That said, Mythic Quest just isn't showing me the love anymore,
so I think it's time for a change.
-Oh, jeez. Oh, crackers. -As sad as it is for me to say this...
I will no longer be streaming Mythic Quest... ever again.
Now, fear not, Pootie Nation, I do have something new in the works.
Something new and fresh.
I hope you guys are gonna take that journey with me.
Pootie out!
Oh, fuck.
I cannot believe I'm doing this.
You're looking at this wrong.
Pootie drove a ton of traffic, but we had no control over him.
If we get the right streamer to play MQ,
then we're in charge of the messenger and the message.
And all we have to do is debase ourselves to children?
-It's a brave new world, my friend. -Yeah, I guess so.
There are still some diehards out there who play for the right reasons.
Look at this, the Masked Man!
Hello, little boy. I love your costume.
Hi.
I'm not a little boy.
I'm... I'm-- Hold on.
-Poppy. -No. Hold on.
I'm doing a big reveal.
Okay, can someone-- There's like a little clippy thing.
-Yeah. -Can you just-- Oh, my God.
-Okay, get it off. Can you get it off? -Yeah, yeah.
I'm really claustrophobic! Is it on the right side?
Pop, relax! Just relax!
-Get the clip off! -We got you. Take a breath.
Hey!
-What are you doing? -Sorry to crash your little boys' club,
but I'm a department head
and I should be included in big decisions like this.
Come on.
Navigating different personalities, making gut-check calls about people...
I don't know if those instincts are part of your skill set, Pop.
I have great instincts.
Right, like wearing full cosplay to a not-cosplay event.
And what's with the tester?
You're bringing the whole company? Guys, we look desperate.
I brought Dana because she gets it.
She's young, she's a woman in gaming,
and, unlike you, I actually value the voice of--
-Poppy needed a ride, right? -Yeah.
I tried to warn her about the cosplay thing, but then she yelled at me.
Okay, that is enough of your voice, Dana!
Go... explore.
Okay. Bye.
-Bye, Dana. -Bye, Dana.
Have fun.
Ian's gone, so it is officially "D-Day."
David Day.
Today, we can do whatever we want, Jo.
Yeah, when the bosses are away, the little mouse will play.
Aren't you the boss?
Well, yeah, yeah, but, you know.
Do you call yourself "a little mouse"?
Sometimes. Someone has to be the mouse, otherwise the expression doesn't--
You know what, Jo?
One of the things I don't wanna have to do today is explain myself to you. Okay?
David, do you think maybe I'd be more useful assisting Ian at the StreamerCon?
If I leave now, I could probably beat traffic.
Jo. Jo. Okay.
Let's just clear this up once and for all. You're my assistant.
You live to serve only me and my every whim.
You will speak when spoken to. And--
-Yeah? -Hey, David, man,
there's a bunch of girls out front here from Girls Can Code.
They say they're scheduled for a tour?
Oh, shit, is that today?
-Not just your average... -That one.
Hey, look at this.
Where my ladies at?
-Hi! How you doing? -Hello. Come on over.
My name is David Brittlesbee.
-Hi. Mr. Brittlesbee. -I'm executive producer.
Let me just say, I am so excited that you girls are all here.
You know, and you picked the right gaming company because,
let me tell you something, we value women here at Mythic Quest.
In fact, our head programmer is a woman. Poppy Li.
And she is in charge of programming the entire game.
Cool!
Yeah. And I'm not gonna sugarcoat it,
you're gonna have to work pretty hard to get where she's at
if you wanna be where she's at.
But I'll let her tell you all about that.
-Who wants to see a woman who can code? -Me!
Who wants to see the best engineer you could ever find?
Yeah!
-Okay, then let's go meet Poppy! -She's not here.
-What? -She's not here.
She went to StreamerCon.
Why didn't you tell me?
Because I only speak when spoken to, sir.
Are there any other female coders we can meet?
Yes. Obviously. Yes.
We have plenty of women who work here in various positions.
No. Not in this room. But in other rooms.
Because we are filled with women.
Jo! Jo's a woman.
-Right? Jo? -Yeah.
So why don't you tell the girls what you do?
Sure. I live only to serve a man, and that man is David.
Okay. She's normally not like this, okay?
Yeah, she usually won't listen to a word I say.
But she's only acting like that due to disciplinary action
resulting from weeks of insubordination, so...
You know what? It doesn't matter. Yeah.
Poppy will return.
In the meantime, let's go meet some ladies!
Yes!
Come on. Again, not in this room. We're gonna skip on past this one.
Yo. What's up, C.W.?
Apologies. I was lost in my ennui.
Ian's absence leaves me wandering the halls, feeling a bit unmoored.
-Yeah, I know what you mean. -I've never been in here.
We work at the same place, yet we exist in two completely different worlds.
Not surprising, I suppose.
I'm old, you're young. I'm a man, you're a boy.
What? I'm a woman.
Are you?
-I'll take your word for it. -Thanks.
So what do you do, exactly?
For real, dude?
I test the game for bugs and shit
so that when people like you play, it actually works.
-I've never played. -Wait, you've never played the game?
I deal in story and emotion, not games.
Dude, when a game is as good as this one,
playing it is just as emotional an experience as some story.
You can't tell me that gameplay has more emotional resonance than a good cutscene.
Cutscenes are boring, man. I skip them.
Oh, no. No, no!
Let me show you the power of a story, my dear boy.
Girl.
Okay, fine. But first, I'm gonna show you the power of the game, old man.
Grab a controller.
Wow. Okay, that's a mouse.
So we're just gonna start from the beginning.
So now I just frag the battle cruiser.
Mission cleared. That's so sick.
This campaign has everything that I love about Cold Alliance 2.
It's got killer missions, snap-tight controls,
and the sickest graphics of any MMORPG out there.
He's already playing our rival game?
I guess the piece of shit floated downstream.
And I know I just started playing,
but so far I'm inclined to give this game four and a half B-holes.
What? He shot them straight up to four and a half?
And a half?
That doesn't make any sense! What's a half a butthole?
-And then why not just give ten, right? -I don't know.
-Why not give 20? -Yeah.
A million buttholes! A million buttholes for all!
Nah, it's just business. They clearly made him a great offer.
I can't believe that companies are straight-up paying kids these days.
Like, why aren't gamers losing their shit?
Okay, come on. Don't be naive. All right?
Even fans know streamers make these arrangements.
And make no mistake about it,
we're gonna have to pony up too if we want quality.
What exactly passes for quality here?
Give it up for LOL_Trevor!
You guys wanna see a little bit of fire?
Yeah!
All right.
LOL!
I love you, guys. Thank you so much.
Remember, guys, laugh out loud, live out loud...
love out loud.
LOL!
Yeah! All right!
See you, guys! All right! Thank you! Peace!
-What a fucking douchebag. -Yeah, he's a piece of shit.
It's LOL_Trevor though. He's got a rock-solid fan base.
I mean, he's almost sickeningly positive. And he's cute as hell.
Okay, I'll handle the negotiation.
We're gonna go in there, we're gonna give him the terms,
and then we're gonna leave before he can answer. Standard power play.
Excuse me. Excuse me, children.
Hey, LOL_Trevor?
What's up, man? Pleased to meet you. I'm Brad. These are some of my colleagues.
We are here on behalf of Mythic Quest.
Yeah, Pootie just bailed on you guys, right?
That's exactly why we're here.
We were hoping to come to some kind of arrangement with you
to help bridge the gap left by our pal Pootie.
I'm sorry. Are we not going to address the large, menacing presence to our right?
That's just my bodyguard. He won't say shit.
Great. I feel safer.
I don't.
I don't either.
Sit down.
Just-- I think.
-You know what? I'm gonna stand. -All right.
So, LOL, how would you feel about playing a new weapons update
that we're releasing next month?
I'm thinking, I don't know, $5,000?
Yeah, I think I'm done dealing in dollars. I deal in percentages now.
Excuse me?
He said he's done dealing in dollars. He deals in percentages now.
No, I heard what he said.
I'm selling your weapons, I want gross points. 10%.
If he's selling your weapons, he wants gross points.
-No, I heard what he said again. -Okay.
Okay, I'm just processing this right now.
-Gross points are points of the-- -I understand what gross points are, okay?
And this is between me and Trevor. We got this, man.
-I'm just not familiar with this. -It seems like you're losing him.
I'm not losing him. I'm just not familiar with this. I'm off my game.
-Is this part of the negotiation tactic? -You guys, shut the freak up.
-I got this. I got this. -Okay.
10% or no deal.
I'll let you guys think about it.
Come on, Liam.
What just happened?
It would appear he gave you the terms and then left before you could answer.
It's a standard power play.
Now, admittedly, game development is a male-dominated field,
but we are working hard to change that.
Which is why we brought on board folks like... Michelle!
Hi, Michelle.
Michelle is one of our amazing female coders.
-One of two. -Thank you, Jo.
Michelle, do you wanna tell the girls what you're working on?
My résumé.
That's a joke. Michelle has a very unique sense of humor.
Okay, Michelle, do you wanna just tell the girls
what it's like to be a woman in tech?
Sure. Which part did you want me to talk about?
The part where you have to work twice as hard to make less money
or the part where you can't get ahead because it's a bro monoculture?
Okay, well, that's not necessarily the message we're trying to get across.
Maybe you want to talk about
what it's like to be a female in a male-dominated field?
I would not. Please go ahead.
Great. Thanks for your permission.
So no matter how smart you are or how hard you work,
your bosses will always treat you a little bit differently
because you're a woman.
Unless your boss is a woman. Like Poppy.
I was talking about Poppy. She hates me because I'm a woman.
See, because we're all fighting for the same positions,
it makes us incredibly competitive,
which, of course, we have to be in order to survive.
So, in a way, I don't blame Poppy.
In another way, I hate her more than anyone alive.
Can we please stay on message and say something inspiring?
Got it. Girls, here's the most important piece of advice I can give you.
Look to your left.
Now look to the girl on your right.
That's your competition.
She's not your friend.
You're going to have to fight her.
Not physically. That's what men do.
Emotionally. Up here.
-Okay, that's enough from Michelle! -I have more to say.
I'm sure you do, and I respect that, but we have a lot of women to meet.
-Do we? -We do. Come on. Let's go.
There's no one else.
Maybe there's someone more positive we can meet?
Yes. I know who we can go see.
Oh, my!
What a treat! And who might you ladies be?
Sue, these young women are from Girls Can Code...
Hi, Sue.
...and they're here to be inspired by our female employees.
Inspiration? Look no further than the good book.
I have got the inspiration right here.
-Sue? -This is-- Yeah?
-Work stuff. -Work stuff? Okay.
-Just talk about the job and whatnot. -Okay. Copy that.
Listen, girls, oh my, it is just so fantastic to see you all here.
We can always, always, always use more girls in gaming.
What's this?
No. That, sweetie, that is just player feedback.
So what do you do here?
I'm the community manager.
Yes. Sue has a very interesting job.
She interacts with our players online
to find out the things that they like and don't like about Mythic Quest.
Yeah. You know, and darn if they don't like a lot of things!
Sometimes I wonder why they play.
What's a typical day like for you?
How do I put this? Okay.
You know... Girls,
you know how when you just get so mad and frustrated
that you just wanna scream into a pillow?
You know? When you're mad at your mom?
I guess you could say, for our player community,
I'm kinda like their mom.
And the pillow.
You're super nice.
I wanna do what you do.
No!
No. No.
No.
And that's... Sue.
So, it has a really clean, simple design,
and you'll see that it just responds almost right away to your touch.
But what's most cool about it is it actually does
procedural level generation, with dynamic difficulty--
Hi.
Did you make this game?
Yeah, I did.
Cool. It's really impressive.
Is that Masked Man?
-Yeah. -That's perfect. It's amazing.
I know. It's really good with the mask on, but it's kinda tricky to-- Yeah.
-Oh, my God. Roscoe, right? -Yeah.
Yes! So good!
So, I actually work at Mythic Quest.
I'm the lead engineer.
Are you Poppy Li?
Yeah.
That is so cool.
It is.
-You're historical. -I know.
-You're legendary. -Yes.
-You're so talented. -Yes.
-I grew up playing your game. -Okay, that's enough.
So we're actually looking for a streamer right now to help promote the game.
And... I'm just going with my gut here,
but I think that you'd be perfect for the gig.
-Really? -Yeah.
I love Mythic Quest. It's, like, the most beautifully designed game ever.
Right.
Now I bet I can finally break 200 subs!
Sorry, you have less than 200 subscribers?
What's this line for?
The bathrooms.
I don't even know why I come to the cons.
My people skills are terrible, so I never get new fans.
Sometimes the-- Where are you going?
-Hey, Poppy! -Hey.
-I'm having so much fun. -Cool.
I don't even know what I'm standing in line for.
But you know what? I bet it's amazing.
You're in line for the bathrooms. The men's bathrooms.
Oh, well.
Hey, you wanna go to the merch table with me, buy some MQ shirts?
You know you can get those for free at work?
Yeah, but they have very special-edition ones
just for the cons and I really want some.
You go have fun! Stand in as many lines as you want.
I'm gonna go get a shitty pretzel.
They're actually not shitty. They're really good.
-Really? -I had four of 'em already.
-That's so many pretzels... -I know. I'm pretty stuffed.
...for such a tiny person.
Oh, yes. Yes. I see. I see!
What the hell? The paladin killed me!
That little shit.
C.W. Avenge my death.
-Hit him with a stun spell. -Yes. Yes.
-Okay, now fire spell. -Yes.
Smack him with a shovel!
Again.
Okay. Oh, my God. He's almost dead! Hit him again!
You killed him! You avenged me!
Huzzah! Avenging the death of a fellow guild member
and seizing control of the land. That was thrilling!
I feel like Beowulf after he slew Grendel.
I haven't seen Beowulf.
Seen? No, it's an epic poem.
It's a poem too?
Shit.
Have you no education at all?
No, I have a BA in Women's Studies.
-Women's Studies, huh? -Yeah.
What exactly is Women's Studies?
It's an academic curricula which-- it follows the experiences of women
and the contributions they've made to--
Inquiry withdrawn.
Okay, dude, look, the point is, we just made a story together.
And we were more invested because we were a part of it.
All that shit Ian says is right.
Yes, but it's still missing something, isn't it?
Sit back, milady.
And I'll show you something wonderful.
Poppy? You're Poppy Li, right?
Yeah.
I'm Dan Williams, producer at Cold Alliance Studios.
Cold Alliance? Fuck you.
Well, we're big fans of your work.
Thank you! I'm a huge fan of yours too.
Well, you just told me to fuck off.
Well, but that was before I knew that you liked me.
That shovel update, that was brilliant.
Thank you. That was actually Ian's idea, to turn it into a weapon.
I was actually talking about the digging feature.
It was such a novel way of integrating persistent environmental changes.
How did you know that would be so cool?
Yeah, I don't know. I guess I just kind of felt it in my gut.
Wow. You got great instincts.
Yeah. Yeah. I'm sorry. Dan, was it?
-Yeah, Dan Williams. -Yeah, cool.
Listen, I don't want to take up much more of your time.
But, well, we're looking for a new creative director,
and I think you'd be a perfect fit.
Creative director?
I'm actually-- I'm not looking for a new job.
And you guys already poached Pootie, so...
Well, what can I say? I mean, when we find talent, we go after it.
Cool. Thanks.
You're welcome. I'm looking forward to hearing from you.
-All right? Take care. -Okay.
Poppy! Poppy!
I've done it. I have found our streamer. Introducing Byron.
Byron has been playing MMORPGs for 20 years.
And best of all, he's never been paid for it.
Also, he's a big fan of mine.
He's a genius.
This guy's like a thousand in streamer years.
-Guys! -Hey.
Guys, our streaming problems are over.
Great. Another dude in his 40s.
And God forbid you pick a woman.
There's no such thing as a 40-year-old woman in gaming. That's a fact.
And secondly, Stephen here isn't the streamer.
Stephen?
-Excuse me. -Right. Okay.
Meet Aiko.
Aiko here is the future of the streamer hustle.
A 3-D model that I can completely control in a mo-cap suit.
It's a one-time cost.
She never ages or gets a better offer,
and we can make her do whatever we want.
Aiko is happy!
So you want to build a woman.
-Sort of like a Weird Science situation. -Exactly.
-What's Weird Science? -Oh, God!
Goddamn it, Poppy.
-Small Wonder? -Yeah, like Small Wonder maybe.
I don't know what that is.
-What? -God!
All right, just because something is old doesn't make it cool.
-What? -What do you--
Do you even understand our culture? You know what?
-It doesn't matter. -What culture?
Awful. Awful.
It's kind of creepy if I have to admit it. My guy, I think, is a little bit better.
Your guy? Your guy's got an ankle monitor.
Byron! What's that for?
-So-- -You know what? I don't want to know.
No one wants to know.
You know what? You guys do whatever you want.
I'm gonna go home. Where's my ride?
-Okay, so we're gonna go with Aiko? -Nope.
Dana. Come on. Let's go.
Hang on. I just gotta finish this.
Are you playing Mythic Quest?
You know you can do that back at the office.
I just got to the best part. I'm so close to leveling up, and when I do,
I get to finally equip the Great Trident of Tethys,
which has an insane DOT.
All right, y'all.
Chaining criticals. But don't worry, your girl is a boss battle badass.
Oh, my God.
Guys. Guys. What if I told you I found our new streamer?
She's perfect. She knows the game inside out.
She appeals to a young, diverse crowd.
She is so cool! She's--
Oh, my God. She's talking about herself. That is so sad.
See, I told you she would do this.
First of all, you're like 15 years too old.
Dana! Dana is the new streamer.
No, she's too good-looking. No one's gonna believe that she's a real gamer.
Okay, but the thing is she is a real gamer.
Yours isn't even a real person.
-Okay, Pop? You're great. -Yes.
-At something very specific. -Right.
It's sort of like, well, I'm this painter and you're my favorite brush.
Okay, hold on. Are you just about to recycle my whole thing
about the brush and the-- I'm not gonna-- Just--
Look, come over here, watch Dana play.
She's got this whole crowd of people around her.
Great work, Pop. We're gonna go over here and make the decision.
No, you guys come with me.
-See you back at the office. -Thanks so much for your time.
Guys, I really think I'm right about this!
Wow.
You're damn right.
It's a touching, bittersweet culmination to the story.
C.W., you're a really good writer.
I didn't even know this was our game.
No. It's not.
That's from Red Dead Redemption 2.
What, you didn't write that?
What about the other ones?
That was Assassin's Creed.
The one before that was Last of Us.
None of these are yours?
I'm afraid not.
Why did we watch that then?
To show you the power of story.
Alas, I'm a stranger in a strange land
and have yet to achieve that level of emotional resonance.
Outside of my novels, of course, for which I did win a Nebula Award.
Where the hell did that come from?
Never mind that.
Because you have opened my eyes.
I now know that I must engage with the game
on its most fundamental level by playing it.
And that will unlock rich, new stories for years to come.
Just come in here, you know.
We'll try this place again, see if any ladies have emerged.
How do we have so many dudes that work here? How?
Wait a second.
The testers. The testers! Yes! Come, come.
Okay, our testers are actually not just one, but two ladies.
Those aren't two ladies.
We had a wonderful time.
I just showed her mine, and she showed me hers.
Yeah, and first it was kinda weird 'cause he's old, you know?
But, boy, does he know what he's doing.
She cried.
I did cry. Well, he cried too.
I did. Come in, girls.
Don't go in there!
-Okay. I think that's enough. -I think that's enough too!
-Let's go. Let's go. -Yeah.
Let's--
Poppy!
Didn't you get my text? We have a tour today.
That was today?
Nice. I guess your good instincts don't include checking a calendar.
Crap! I completely forgot.
I don't want your excuses, okay? These girls need to be inspired.
-If it's inspiration you need, I can-- -Not you.
You are the last person they need to hear from.
These girls need to talk to someone
who understands what it's like to be a girl who loves games.
Someone who can speak to them on their level and get them excited.
-God, this is so sad. -Is she talking about herself?
She is, again. And I'm so embarrassed. I'm actually really uncomfortable.
I'm not talking about me!
I'm talking about Dana.
Come on.
Hi! Hey, girls.
This is Dana. She works here.
What do you do?
I play video games.
That's your job? That's so cool!
Cool!
Yeah, it is cool.
But it's also hard work sometimes.
I mean, it's crazy that this is a real job.
But I play to make the game better for our fans. And they pay me for it.
And, yeah, there aren't a lot of women here,
but they hired me and my friend Rachel, so they're trying.
And to be totally honest, it's still sometimes a hard place to be a girl.
But I'm not gonna give up, because I love my job and I'm good at it.
-You feel me? -Yeah.
I'm good at it.
And you know what else? Lean in.
I'm so good at it, that when I play against boys, I kick their butts.
You girls like kicking butts, right?
Yeah!
Then come work here.
Thank you, Dana. That was so inspiring.
No biggie.
You are so welcome.
-Come on, girls. -Bye, girls.
Holy shit.
Dana's the new streamer.
She had me at "Ian is a genius."
She didn't say that.
-I think she did. -No, I think she didn't.
Also I told you guys that she is who we should go with back at the convention.
You did?
Yes! You guys never listen to me.
Hey, let's go give Dana the good news.
Yeah, that'll feel good.
Yeah, well, one of the best things about being a boss is giving good news.
Hello, Dan Williams. Let's talk.
It's Poppy. Poppy Li.
I'm sorry. When will he be back?
Yeah, I can leave my number.
Hey, stranger.
Hey! Dude, I had the weirdest day, but it was also kind of awesome.
Me too. Ian and Brad just asked me to be the new streamer.
-Wait, what? -Yeah!
Just now. I mean, I guess it's kind of shady to have an in-house streamer, right?
But if it's what's best for the game...
Yeah, yeah.
I know that means we won't be testing together anymore,
but it's kind of my dream job, so...
do you think I should do it?
Yeah. Yeah. You should totally do it.
-I should do it, right? -Yeah.
Oh, my God! This is crazy.
I gotta call my mom.
Crazy. Okay.
Come on. Pick up.
See ya.
Ma. Hey!
You will never guess what happened at work today.
Okay, so I went to the convention with Ian, Brad, and Poppy, right?