In Palm Beach, everyone has money, but not everyone is truly rich.
Nigel, go upstairs and find out what's taking everyone so long.
Yes, ma'am.
Hello.
I was learning quickly that, in Palm Beach,
an untold secret is like a loaded gun.
You never know when it will go off.
Or who it might hit.
And, full disclosure, I suppose I had one or two little secrets of my own.
For the sake of my marriage and my sanity, I had to tell the truth.
- It's a beautiful day, isn't it? - That it is.
Thank you.
Douglas,
there's something-- Well, a few things I need to tell you.
Well, you can tell me anything.
I may have passed some bad checks.
The Fibs still haven't received your $75,000 check.
Plus a $10,000 check.
If you plan on coming to my Havana Nights Gala next week.
And maybe pawned some of Norma's jewelry,
which in some circles might be misconstrued as stealing.
And I might have run up a little mountain of debt.
- And how will you be paying? - You take a check?
Not including the 75 grand I was bullied into paying
for a stone cat that we already own.
$75,000!
That's not so bad.
Douglas, did you hear what I said about the jewelry?
Diamonds are temporary. Our love is forever.
Unlike our inheritance, which is never!
- Cocktails! - Hey, babe.
The great unburdening would have to wait.
Why let the truth spoil a sunny day?
I couldn't bear to tell him that his inheritance had been rerouted
to a cat sanctuary.
It'd break his heart.
Where's the key?
Damn it!
Norma, everything is going to hell without you!
I'm trying to save you, me. Hell, the whole world.
Norma? Are you in there?
Can you hear me?
Blink once for yes. Two for no.
I knew it! You still got it!
Oh, God. I've missed you, my dear friend.
And I'm sure you've missed me.
Well, that hurt, 'cause--
All right, Norma, listen. I want you to listen very carefully.
Is the Rolodex in this room?
One, two. Okay, I knew it. It's in the safety deposit box.
All right, so is the key in this room?
Two. Thr-- Wait a minute. That's three blinks. Unless that's a maybe.
Is three blinks a maybe? Is three--
Norma, stop fucking with me! This is serious!
Are you sitting on it?
Sorry, Norma.
You got a bony ass, Norma.
I know it's in here somewhere, Norma.
I'm gonna shake it out of you!
Yes, Your Honor. No, Your Honor.
- Hey! - Hey, pool boy,
I'll take a little bit more mai in my tai.
Have you been in the pool house?
Why would I go into the pool house when I have the real house?
A little hoity-toity for a pool boy.
I'll say. I'll put some more mai in your tai.
Thanks, babe.
- I love you. - And I love you.
You know what? Today is the day.
My final flight in the 737.
Miami, Toledo. Toledo, Des Moines.
And then I'm hanging up my wings for good.
Douglas!
- Does that make you happy? - So happy.
Why would I keep working when I've got all this and you?
Linda?
Hi, ladies. Have you seen Linda?
Linda.
Tall. Red hair. Wears too much denim. Turquoise jewelry.
Thanks.
Linda, I need you.
- Do you need a book? - Very funny.
I need my new best friend.
Well, maybe a little early for best friend.
You know, if you need a healer or a therapist, massage therapist,
there are names on the corkboard. You can get a session.
Gee, thanks. Hope they can do a session in prison.
- What? - I am a thief and a liar and a squatter.
And I learned last night, courtesy of your stepmother,
there is no way to right the ship.
- I'm not following. - We are disinherited!
But don't tell a soul.
You just told everybody in the bookstore.
I don't think I will ever see any of these people ever again.
What'd your husband say?
He doesn't like when things get messy.
- Maxine, you have to tell him. - No, I ca--
Yes, the sooner the better.
He's never been more in love with me than he is now. I can't.
Oh, Maxine.
All right. Come here. It's gonna be okay.
- Okay. - All right? So breathe and listen to me.
Palm Beach is just a shell game,
and you're playing like one of the natives.
I really wanna be a native.
Down here, you're only a criminal if you get caught, and probably not even then.
So you're good.
See, look at us. We are best friends.
A man in a fedora.
I can see you in there, ma'am.
Good morrow.
I'm looking for a Mr. and Mrs. Douglas Dellacorte Simmons.
We dropped the Simmons.
Sergeant Tom Sanka, Palm Beach Police.
Is this about the jewelry? The checks? Stoned Mabel?
Look, I will tell you everything. I can't live like this.
You need to appear in probate court tomorrow at 4:00
in the matter of Norma Dellacorte's guardianship.
Consider yourself served.
Served?
Your Honor, my husband and I are just mystified
as to why this matter has been adjudicated,
as we are Mrs. Norma Dellacorte's only living family.
Fellas have a way of crawling out of the woodwork in situations like these.
Mr. Diaz has
petitioned the court for conservatorship.
I'm sorry. Mr. who? I've never heard that name in my entire...
- ...life. - I'm sorry, I'm late, Your Honor.
You're not off to a very good start, Mr. Diaz.
The role of conservator requires sober and timely administration
of all the Dellacorte trusts and assets, including health proxies.
Trusts and assets? Please clarify. I'm just a wife.
This fella has filed to be conservator of the Dellacorte trust.
In other words, he who's the nurse, gets the purse.
Proceed.
Miss Simmons has moved into Miss Dellacorte's home,
- stolen precious family heirlooms-- - I object!
You don't object. You--
Your Honor, that matter has been sorted.
Your Honor, we've all heard stories about gold diggers
who come to Palm Beach and bleed the elderly dry.
It would break my heart
- if Norma became another cautionary tale. - Gold digger?
Please strike that from the record.
- How very dare you! - What?
Your Honor, permission to approach the bench.
No, no, you don't do that here. It--
This man is no caretaker.
He is a "pool boy"
and he has been squatting at Ms. Dellacorte's home
with no written agreement.
Your Honor, I am a veteran.
She is a pageant runner-up strutting around the house
- as if she owns it. - Runner-up?
That is a gross misrepresentation. Strike that from the record.
- Order in the court! - Pardon.
- Excuse me. I was gonna say that. - Sorry.
We're gonna table this matter until one of you comes up with documentation
to back up the accusations you've just made.
Yes. Your Honor, I apologize for my outburst.
Adjourned.
Thank you.
I don't know why you felt the need to escalate.
Really?
It's just so uncivilized to get the law involved.
You've been stealing from Norma. Now you've stolen from me.
From you?
What do you have that I could possibly want?
- Robert. Robert! - What?
Listen.
Clearly, we both want what's best for dear Norma, right?
So maybe we could help each other.
What's your game?
I am set to throw Norma's end-of-season Beach Ball with Mrs. Rollins.
In Norma's honor, of course.
And Mrs. Rollins has mentioned
a certain Rolodex of Norma's that she has in a safety deposit box.
You wouldn't happen to have that key, would you?
You didn't do it?
I assure you I'm innocent of whatever accusation has crossed your mind.
I can't believe I'm gonna say this, but I believe you.
Well, good.
Everyone is just out for themselves, Norma.
But you knew that, and you protected us.
So, why can't I protect you?
Hey.
Hi.
How's Norma?
Same. How's your father?
Fading.
I'm sorry to hear that.
Thanks.
Why did you do it?
What are you talking about?
You come to my house, you get me high, and you stole from me.
Well, technically, I stole from Norma.
A helpless old woman.
That woman is not helpless.
I have a secret in that Rolodex, and I can't have it get out.
What about all the other secrets?
Don't worry. They'll all end with me.
Secrets destroy people.
So I'm gonna destroy that fucking Rolodex.
Better with you than with Maxine.
This we know.
You wanna meet my dad?
I would love that.
Pop?
- Hey, there she is. - Hey.
I brought a friend. I want you to meet Robert.
He's close with Norma.
Has the old
frail "curmudgeoness" tried to marry you off to my daughter yet?
Not yet.
- You wanna sit? - Thank you.
Hey, Bud. Welcome.
Pleasure.
Dad, Robert was in Korea.
Another pointless fucking war.
Why you look at me like that?
Oh, no, I-- Dad, I think he's just surprised that someone
who inherited his fortune from warmongers isn't a military apologist.
I've been dying for 20 years, okay?
And the one thing you learn is how to confront the truth.
My biggest regret in life
is that I never did a goddamn thing about that.
But I guess that's my little piece of luggage.
You ever read Timothy Leary?
No, should I?
Does Pinocchio have a wooden dick?
Harvard grad, high priest, the fucking master.
You got a book in your bookstore. The Psychedelic Experience.
- Get it for him. I know you got it. - Cool.
- Put it on my bill. - Done.
You got a presence, bud.
You've got a presence.
If the present trend continues,
another four million will join the welfare willingly...
Hola, mi corazón.
Look at you, handsome man.
- Max. - Yes?
I did it. I quit my job.
So soon?
Well, our fortune's about to come in any day now, right?
Yes. Yay. I'm working on it.
What's that?
Oh, well, you just wait here. I'm gonna do my finishing touches.
Don't wanna be late.
Bienvenidos. Bonsoir. We want to welcome you all to Old Havana night.
A celebration of life the way it used to be.
The way it could be.
A celebration of freedom!
Babe, you didn't tell me there was gonna be craps.
Well, now, let's not get ahead of ourselves, Douglas.
Dougie-doo, you old bungbucket!
Damn my eyes, Perry Donahue.
Babe, would you get us a few drinks? I'm gonna warm up my throwing hand.
Well, well. Not too warm, okay?
Come on, let's go warm up those tables, baby.
Have you ever seen such a tacky shit parade in your life?
Gosh, no.
What's wrong with it?
Raquel took the most beloved hotel in Palm Beach and "bacchanalized" it.
This is why it's important for me to co-host the Beach Ball, Maxine.
Have you managed to locate the key to the safety deposit box?
Evelyn, I have turned that house inside and out. No luck.
We all want to give a warm welcome home to my dear husband, Pinky.
Welcome home from Sing Sing. It's true. Just last Tuesday.
These lucky wheels and tables are from my old casino.
Everything you win, you get to keep.
Everything you lose goes to our struggling Batista refugees, huh?
He's a mobster.
They don't call it that, but that's what he is. A gangster out on parole.
Mark my words, this is the face of things to come in Palm Beach.
The rise of the common criminal.
Hideous. I hate criminals.
I can feel it happening already.
Feel what?
My social casting-out.
Why, Evelyn?
With Norma embolized, you are the woman to know in Palm Beach.
I don't like you, Maxine.
And though there are plenty of rumors about my actual feelings for Skeet,
I'm lonely without him.
He was always a bit of a prick, but he was fun.
He used to take me out dancing.
He was terrible at it, but he was game.
And I had enough style to cover for him.
Now he lies about in his robe all day,
slowly but surely turning into a hippie Howard Hughes.
It is no picnic caring for an ailing spouse.
The last time I was with him, his catheter came loose,
and he accidentally shot urine into my mouth.
I'm so sorry.
At the same time, I have so many questions about how that happened.
I've got nothing left to cement my status in this town.
Nothing but the Beach Ball.
How can I compete with stricken infants and a bacchanal like this?
Maxine!
Pool. Now. Excuse us.
If I were you, I wouldn't treat me as if I were invisible, Dinah.
Then don't become invisible, Evelyn.
- Come on, Maxine. Come on. - Coming.
Eddie's jealous of Perry. Says he's going to kill him.
What? Wh-- Eddie's gonna murder your husband?
Please. He's only kidding, I think.
Regardless, I thought it was kind of sweet.
Why is Eddie jealous of Perry? Wouldn't it be the other way around?
That's exactly what I said.
Eddie asked if Perry and I still had sex, and I said, well, if a hand job
on the Chris-Craft last Wednesday counted as sex, then sure.
But Perry had just bought me a new tennis bracelet,
so I figured, what the hell.
Anyway, that plus Douglas being back in town
had bought me more time with Eddie than ever.
So maybe, Maxine, I should thank you.
Well, you're welcome.
What does my Douglas have to do with a handy?
Oh, you silly goose.
Apparently, Douglas and Perry were inseparable
back in their prep school days, and now they're back at it,
which helps me avoid scrutiny.
Perry says that he and Douglas bring out the worst in each other.
But he laughs every time he says it, so I interpret that to mean fun.
- The worst? - The worst.
I'm sure by "worst" he means they do nice, good, clean stuff.
Have you met Perry?
Come on, baby. Come on, dice.
- Come on, lucky hog. Sixes! - Come on!
Douglas, sweetie, why don't we sit this one out?
Come, let's go have a rum punch.
No! I believe in us, Maxine. I am doubling down.
- Right. - Place your bets.
Bartender, can I get a bourbon neat and a grassho--
Grasshopper? Hi, gold digger.
Hi, pool boy. Didn't think you'd be working this party.
- Someone has to work. - Pity to be you.
Everybody, I hope you will all join us on the dance floor for a rumba!
Dance freely, drink freely, spend freely, love freely.
Jeezy-creezy. Norma's ruby.
I wonder how Raquel got a hold of Norma's ruby,
which I remember putting in Norma's jewelry box at Destiny Vistas.
As her caretaker, don't you have unrestricted access to her jewelry?
Same access you have as a loving family.
I wonder what the judge would make of this.
Okay, ladies and gentlemen. Damas y caballeros.
We're gonna do this the way we did it in El Tropicana.
Everybody grab yourself a partner and get ready to rumba!
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go dance with the hostess.
Those rubies have a story to tell.
Hello!
- Shall we dance? - Oh, papi, I thought you'd never ask.
- Raquel! - Hey, babe! It's time to rumba.
- Silly, I don't know how to rumba. - Neither do I.
So, how much did you win?
- A ton. - Really?
Yeah, but I lost even more. But who cares?
It's small beans compared to what we got coming to us, right?
Yeah.
Perry has got a tasty real estate deal coming through with his frogs,
and he says we can get in on the ground floor.
Wow. Seems too good to be true.
I know, right?
Hey, babe? Babe?
Norma was always very tight-lipped about your friendship.
We had-- have a very special relationship.
I'm sure you brought her a lot, a lot of pleasure. Rumors abound.
Imagine with the poor dear out of commission,
you're gonna need a new sponsor.
Maybe. Maybe not.
Let's say within the next few days, I'll be in a more responsible position.
Speaking of,
great necklace.
How'd you come by it?
Pinky, he's always getting me these little trinkets.
There's a lot more where this came from
if you can do that voodoo you apparently do so well.
Okay, ladies and gentlemen. We're gonna switch it up.
Turn to your left. Turn to your right.
Now find yourself a new rumba partner!
Find me later, Robert!
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
Hello!
- Perry. - Mrs. Dougerie-doo.
I hear you and my Douglas are cooking up quite a little business scheme.
Yes, sirree. It's good to have my wingman back in town
after hiding out from us for all these years.
Yeah. You're breeding frogs?
Frogs! You're such a pip.
No, it's my Luxembourgian investors. It's a global venture, but local too.
And switch again!
- Have to switch. - Yeah.
All right, toodles.
And switch your partners one more time!
If you get left out in the cold, make a little threesome.
A Cubano sandwich. That's a little ham, a little pork and a little cheese. Hey!
- Robert! - Hey, Raquel.
Oh, Raquel, what a beautiful necklace.
Pinky gave it to her. I wonder where he got it from.
- Maxine. - Why is everyone talking
- about my necklace? - Shall we?
Check it out. I think I'm finally getting the hang of this.
Absolutely.
Listen, I was thinking. Since Perry's deal is still brewing,
maybe it was a bit of a rash decision for you to quit,
and you should go back and tell them maybe you're having second thoughts?
It's too late.
Well, it's never too late to say, "I made a mistake."
How could this be a mistake? Choosing you. Choosing this life.
Look at all the fun we're having.
Plus, what could go wrong?
Could you excuse me just for a minute? I'll be back. Just keep doing that.
Mitzi.
Maxine. I'm so excited. This is my first modeling gig.
Sweetie, this isn't really a modeling gig.
And there's so many eligible men. I've already forgotten my boyfriend.
Oh, well. I guess there's good news in that.
Hello, friend.
Mary.
I've been looking for you.
- Wow, you're dancing the boy part. - Well, I went to a girls' school.
Half of us had to learn on the left foot. Half on the right. I was a left-foot girl.
Oh, well-- How handy.
You'll never believe what happened.
You wrote me a funny check for the Fibs. It bounced like a red rubber ball.
I'm just juggling so many accounts these days.
I probably just wrote it from the wrong one.
Oh, yes. That happens to all of us.
Guess I'll have my accountant sort it out in the morning.
- See that you do. - Okay.
- You wouldn't want to get a reputation. - Okay. Well--
With the Beach Ball coming up.
Look, there's my purse. I've been looking for that.
I just gotta get some mints for later.
You're so tall.
I guess.
You know, some men would be intimidated by that.
I, however, am not.
I've been thinking.
Whatever Norma paid you, I'm willing to double it.
I don't need your sponsorship.
I guess you still belong to Norma.
You know what else belongs to Norma?
What?
That necklace was stolen from Norma Dellacorte.
Are you accusing my husband of theft?
I just want it back. No questions asked.
It would be a shame if Pinky had to go back on vacation.
Wouldn't it?
Raquel. I'll fix it.
What is it, Maxine?
Nothing. Nothing.
Maxine, do you have a pen?
I met a really cute guy, and he wants my number.
These things don't have pockets.
Okay. Here.
- Thank you. - Okay. Be careful.
Sergeant Tom Sanka? Maxine Dellacorte.
I'd like to report a stolen jewel.
Indeed, your Honor, as you can see by my sworn, typed affidavit,
this ruby necklace was recovered from the Havana Nights Gala
and then found in Mr. Diaz's pocket.
The same Mr. Diaz who came to this very court asking for conservatorship.
Yes. This precious stone, ladies and gentlemen,
was in fact stolen from the Dellacorte home
where Mr. Diaz purportedly worked as a "caretaker."
It's your lucky day.
Somebody posted bail for you.
And yet, in my heart of hearts, I know Mr. Diaz is a troubled man.
Shall I be granted conservatorship, on behalf of Norma and her estate,
we have generously decided not to press charges.
I know she would want it that way.
In the matter of Norma Dellacorte,
the court hereby grants sole custody and conservatorship
to Mrs. Douglas Dellacorte.
And as such, all trusts, bank accounts,
safety deposit boxes and any offshore assets
shall immediately be transferred to her control and discretion.
Under one condition.
Anything. Anything for dear Aunt Norma, Your Honor.
Are you sure you want to keep her here? It is a big responsibility.
We're up to it.
That smell is kind of unpleasant.
I don't know where exactly it's coming from.
Douglas. We don't know what she can hear and not hear.
The home says she's in a "twilight stupor."
Which, from what I understand, is catty-corner to coma.
Well, can she talk?
Oh, well, poor dear can sort of moan and yodel,
but consonants are off the table.
I don't know. Shouldn't she be under the care of medical professionals?
No, no, no. Look, all we have to do is flip her over every 30 minutes
to keep her blood flowing, give her a shot every six hours.
The home showed me how to do it.
Seriously?
You know, in the short amount of time I've spent with Norma,
I've grown kind of close to her. Poor dear.
She got a rotten deal withering away in that place.
We are gonna show her the best care we can.
Well, I guess it's the least we can do for her
considering all the ka-ching that's coming our way.
About that.
Douglas, there's something I have to tell you.
Max?
Well, while I was attending to Norma's guardianship,
I became aware of something that will disturb you.
Uh-huh.
When she passes, her estate is going to a cat sanctuary.
Why would she do that?
I'm sure she was non compos mentis when she made that decision.
I'm her favorite nephew. I'm her only nephew.
- I thought she loved me. - She did. She does.
We both know it was me she never liked.
I'm gonna kill her.
No. No! Don't say that.
It is of the utmost importance that we keep her alive as long as we can.
Because?
Because it is the right thing to do.
And because, silver lining,
the two of you now have time to work on your relationship.
And because, as her legal conservator,
I have permission to pay us a salary commensurate with her level of care.
So as long as she's in a stupor, we get the checkbook.
And if she dies, it goes to the cat place.
Palm Beach Pedigree Feline Conservancy.
I just wanted to have it all figured out before I told you.
You know, cushion the blow and all that.
I can't believe you did this for me. For us.
Time to flip.
Come on. Here. Maybe we take this down.
- I don't know. To be honest... - How we gonna do this?
...she's kind of creeping me out.
- Is she looking at us? - Douglas, maybe she can hear you.
On my three. One, two, three.
I don't believe it.
The key.
The what?
It's no Four Seasons, but here we are.
There we go.
Thank you so much for helping me out.
Yeah, sure.
I can't believe they didn't give you conservatorship.
You're the one that really loves Norma.
Seems to be the way for people like me.
People like you?
Yes. People like me.
People like you might really like reading material in aisle seven.
It seems we're on the cusp of victory after all. Congratulations, Maxine.
My one hope is that you and Linda can mend fences.
I hate that there's tension between my two closest friends in town.
Her name's Penelope, dear.
The Linda business is a pompous affectation.
She's been quite clear that she identifies as Linda.
You're an awfully good friend to Linda, all things considered.
All things considered?
Ladies, who has the key?
Seven.
Seven, seven, seven.
- What's that? - Nothing.
Is that why you hiding nothing?
I got nothing to hide.
Clearly.
Hell.
I think that's everything.
If you need anything else, I'll be right outside.
Please tell Norma to get well soon.
- Thank you. - I will.
All right.
Wow.
Norma was always eclectic.
Let's look in the next box.
All right.
Norma wears that every year at the Beach Ball.
And this year will be no different.
Must be in that one. Come on.
Are you ready?
It's empty.
Is there a fourth box?
- Well, this is unconscionable. - Oh, no.
There's no place else she would've kept it.
Well, unless I missed it amongst the other valuables.
For fuck's sake, Maxine. You really are completely useless.
Evelyn.
Someday.
Norma.
Quite the gunslinger.
"Skeet Rollins cordially requests the pleasure of your company
at the wedding of his beloved daughter Penelope Rollins to..."
Douglas!
Douglas Darby Dellacorte Simmons! Douglas!
Norma?
Norma, did you say something?
What?
I don't know what... is.