♪ dramatic theme playing ♪
♪
♪ tense music playing ♪
TERRY: Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God.
I'm so excited for this dinner, I could plotz!
Lawry's cold-soaked tuna is the best!
I haven't eaten all week to get ready.
Just Red Bull mist and an occasional line of Cheeto dust.
Ooh, the Jake Paul diet.
You're almost at the ideal dickhead weight.
Welcome to Lawry's: The Prime Rib,
universally known for prime rib and really nothing else.
No need for earthly menus, Lawrence,
we'll have four orders of your finest cold soak.
Nobody ever orders the whole tuna ceviche.
We're mostly known for our prime rib and--
If I wanted to eat a cow, I'd grow one in a vat!
Stop trying to upsell us and get us our soaked tuna.
Yeah, so we're not offering cold-soaked tuna tonight.
[Terry, Jesse, and Yumyulack gasp] - Oh, my God.
- What? - Did something happen
to the tuna machine?
No, today is Valentine's Day,
and we do a special pre-fixed menu
with love as our inspiration.
Ugh, a celebration of the most disgusting,
dripping human emotion.
Our alien bodies are immune to stupid, stinky hormones like that.
Just find a mate and swap gametes.
Why do humans have to add candy
and cards and make money off their DNA swapping?
Just swap it.
But Valentine's Day is like the most romantic night of the year.
It's not just about DNA. Look around.
♪ romantic music playing ♪
No, fuck this.
We follow a strict eating calendar.
Every night of the year is booked at a different restaurant.
If we change it, it throws off the entire decade.
This is an attack.
This man is trying to starve us!
I don't know what to tell you.
If you want the tuna, you'll just have to come back
when it's not Valentine's Day.
I could turn this whole place to dust
with a snap of my Thanos ray, Lawrence.
My name's not Lawrence.
It's Antonio Sabato III.
You'll be hearing from my bot army, Larry.
We will never forget this.
♪ dreamy music ♪
Damn, that was a long year.
And while we had to make some sacrifices to our meal roster...
Rest in power, Guy Fieri's Flavor Trough.
...it was all worth it to make room
for the wettest meal of all, Lawry's cold-soaked tuna.
Fuck off with that. It's not Valentine's Day.
It's a Wednesday.
Valentine's Day is February 14th.
Always.
It's tied to the calendar day, not the day of the week.
[Opposites gasping]
TERRY: Oh, no!
Not again.
Korvo, do something!
This is going to keep happening unless someone has the guts
to stand up and stop the madness.
And even though we technically don't have guts,
just a bunch of alien twigs wrapped around nine beating hearts,
that someone be us.
Listen up, you romantic fucks!
The Solar Opposites are declaring a war on Valentine's Day.
Next year.
Tonight, we shall have four orders
of your second wettest dish.
Four bowls of sausage gravy comin' right up.
KORVO: Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia,
until the asteroid hit.
One hundred adults and their replicants were issued a Pupa,
and escaped into the... space,
searching for new homes on uninhabited worlds.
We crashed on Earth,
stranding us on an already overpopulated planet.
That's right, I've been talking this whole time.
I'm the one holding the Pupa.
My name's Korvo. This is my show.
Bollocks, I just dropped the Pupa.
Ugh. This is ridiculous. I hate Earth.
It's a horrible home.
People are stupid and confusing.
All this Valentine's Day shit is too huggy-feely.
You have a tiny baby flying around wearing a diaper
making people fall in love.
Why wear the diaper?
He should be shitting on cars like a bird.
♪ ominous music ♪
[lightning striking]
KORVO: Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
The hour is finally upon us.
Yes [laughing]
Wait, what are we doing again?
We're destroying Valentine's Day, remember?
We've been planning all year.
And how are we doing that again?
We're taking all the items we've gathered
that cause people to fall out of love
and depositing them into the cauldron from the Halloween episode.
The double bubble will extract the misery matter
while the toil and trouble distills it down
to a single sci-fi pill,
permanently removing love from everyone on Earth.
Mercury will be in retrograde no more.
Alright, what did everyone gather?
Oh, me first.
This crippling porn addiction should do the trick.
No marriage could survive a stash of feet pics
of every First Lady since 1869.
[sizzling]
Terry?
To add to this brew,
the video game Destiny 2,
with an endless amount of exotics to unlock in weekly raids,
it's either your fireteam or your family.
Well done, Terry.
My contribution are these texts from a friend
who's in town for a reptile convention and wants to catch up.
Aw, the Pupa brought heroin.
Good Pupa.
Jesse, you are awfully quiet.
Are you taking some sort of weird stand
like when you stopped eating meat
because you said the vegetables had it coming?
No. Sorta.
It's just that I actually like Valentine's Day.
[Terry, Korvo, and Yumyulack gasp] - Why?
It's about selling pink merch
and making people feel bad
about not even having a robot girlfriend.
Oh, come on, little baby Cupids, the heart decorations?
Are we sure we wanna get rid of love?
Um, we're Shlorpians, we don't even have love.
It means nothing to us.
Look what you did, Jesse. You made Terry be right.
We don't have love.
We don't?
No, we have teammate affinity.
It's an ingrained, unemotional attachment
that supports the mission.
[liquid bubbling]
♪ ominous music ♪
Okay, shut the fuck up about stupid-ass love.
Let's do this.
[computer beeping, machine whirring]
♪ intense music ♪
[all groan]
[all groaning]
You couldn't have made the thing any wider?
It triggered my scoliosis.
Watching Alabama sorority TikToks all day triggered your scoliosis.
Leave my kick-ass tube out of this.
Yumyulack, the emotioNOMeter.
[beeping]
Why does it look like one of those love tester machines from a bar?
I sprang for the thematic skin package.
[alarm blaring]
[laser charging]
[laser fires]
[man grunts] [horns honking]
♪ ominous music ♪
♪
Ha, ha! It's working!
[computer beeping]
[Opposites cheering]
Suck a butt, Nancy Meyers! We did it!
Love can now officially fuck off!
And just in time for February 14th.
Let's hope this was enough to get rid of Valentine's Day.
[all groan]
KORVO: Oh, God, yes.
Oh, the juice is so briny and pungent.
Mm, they really captured the aroma of a public bathroom.
These tiki drinks they added are tiki-mazing!
I'm just glad this place is back to normal.
[people sobbing quietly]
I really hope removing love from Earth didn't have any long-term side effects
like when we messed with the Jingleverse
in the holiday special?
Yeah, right, there's no way we'd be in another holiday special
where we turn everyone into zombies.
[Korvo, Terry, and Yumyulack laughing]
TERRY: Yeah.
♪ romantic music ♪
This is bullshit.
How am I supposed to find something to wear
for St. Patrick's Day when all the stores have been closed
and turned into Tommy Bahamas?
I tried to stop for lunch at Lolo Burger,
but every restaurant is now a Margaritaville,
Islands, or Cheeseburger in Paradise.
- What? - Wow, what a day.
I'm drunk as hell, but not throwing up.
[Terry vomits]
I made a bunch of friends on this tiki crawl.
We hit up the ukulele center
and jammed Trop-Rock hits until for hours.
Hours.
Only letdown was when we tried to buy some parrots.
Every pet store is sold out.
[gasps] Parrots are supes in vogue I guess.
Interesting, um, I'm gonna go take care of some stuff.
So if you're wondering where I am--
No one gives a shit.
Korvo, all this basic beach stuff must be our fault!
I told you we shouldn't have removed love from the world.
Oh, enough with the hysterics, Jesse.
You thought there were gonna be zombies.
Just because the town is taking on a bit of a chill island vibe
doesn't mean it has anything to do with our removing love from the planet.
I'm sure AISHA has an explanation
that completely exonerates us.
AISHA: Oh, this is one hundred percent y'all's fault.
Well, there's a first time for everything.
AISHA: When you removed love from everyone on Earth,
it left humans with "soul holes."
- Oh! - Dumb, but continue.
AISHA: You created a power vacuum, but for happiness.
The thing that most naturally fills a loveless hole
in a human soul is Parrot Head Margaritaville Tiki culture.
And that's happening to every human on earth.
Who cares, it's tiki time, muthafucka!
We need to release love back into the world before things get worse.
Just like it did in the Christmas special.
I already hung a lantern on that.
Tiki culture isn't going to destroy the world
and usher in a post-apocalyptic era
à la the greatest motion picture ever,
The Book of Eli.
I'll prove it to you.
♪ upbeat tropical music ♪
♪
[crane whirring]
[blender whirring]
[slurping]
No salt? BOTH: Oh!
♪ upbeat tropical music continues ♪
[marker squeaking]
♪
[drill whirring]
[alarm blaring]
Ah, geez, the Earth's core's made of rum!
[both yelling]
[people cheering]
♪
Okay, even though this isn't the same as the Christmas special
and you were wrong about the zombies. - Ah, geez.
♪ steel drums playing ♪ - It is very bad
and could have planet-destroying consequences.
The Pupa is supposed to destroy the planet, not us.
Terry, will you stop?
Put down those mallets.
It's time to release love back into the world.
Yeah, right, this new world rocks, Korvo.
I got a Blue Hawaiian at the post office.
I am not setting foot, nay, a toe
in a flip flop-less world.
No love means no 90 Day Fiancé, Terry.
[yelps] To the containment unit.
[Jesse gasps] - Where's the fucking thing?
Terry, you've been home this whole time!
How did you not notice someone stealing a gigantic heart-shaped containment unit?
You drink 37 Mai Tais and try noticing shit.
JESSE: Juul pods.
[sniffs] Balut egg.
[sniffs] New car smell. Caramel budino.
These are Yum's favorite flavors.
What's that awkward little fuckboy up to now?
- Woo-woo. - He's got his scent.
Good Pupa. Find the Yum-ster. [Pupa sniffing]
♪ wondrous music ♪
Nice tracking, Pupa.
Here's $700 to spend at Epcot Center.
No Magic Kingdom, you hear me?
We may be too late to save the Earth.
It's snowing in Florida.
Wait a second. That's not snow.
[sniffs] It's parrot poop.
Poop fight. [splatters]
We all love poop fights, but now is not the time.
What the flock?
[parrots squawking]
♪ ominous music ♪
Come, come, we've been expecting you.
Expecting you, expecting you.
Yumyulack, you little bitch, what is all of this?
[squawks] Little bitch.
Just my massively successful parrot breeding operation,
and it's all thanks to Terry.
Terry, Terry.
You're welcome. I mean what?
Your little tip about the parrot shortage.
Due to a lack of love, there was a high demand and low stock,
so I opened the biggest parrot mill in the world.
In the world. [squawks]
These repetitive dummies are making me rich.
As your mission leader, I demand you give up
this weird fucking bird business.
Yeah, right. Jimmy's got the music.
Tommy's got the shirts.
And Yummy's got the parrots.
Please, Yumyulack, please give us back the containment unit.
Do you really want the Pupa to grow up in a world without love?
Our TV shows suck now, Yumyulack.
Bob Works With Abishola?
Everybody Knows Raymond?
I dropped the containment unit into the bottom of the volcano
from Joe Versus the Volcano.
That doesn't exist.
These parrots are the perfect commodity.
Smart enough to be a good pet
but too stupid to ever fight back.
Nothing can stop me now.
[laughing maniacally]
No!
What did you just say to me?
♪ intense music ♪
[straining] I said no!
PARROTS: No! No! No!
What the hell? Are these parrots fighting back?
I've got it under control.
I'm the boss.
These stupid parrots have to listen to me.
[screaming]
PARROTS: No! No!
Freedom!
[parrots squawking]
[wings fluttering]
Aw, geez, parrot revolution!
It's still not zombies!
I never said zombies!
♪ intense music ♪
NARRATOR: After a family of aliens removed love
from the world,
their soul holes were filled with Margaritaville.
Yumyulack capitalized on island culture
by manufacturing and selling parrots
to every household across the globe.
But he didn't realize that they could read.
The New Yorker articles he used to line their cages
enhanced their already intelligent minds.
It was the perfect storm.
The parrots turned on their masters and broke their bonds.
With a bird in every house, the human race was caught unprepared
for the feathered uprising.
The parrots organized, militarized,
and went after the biggest prize of all,
civilization itself.
After a bloody conflict known as World War P,
the parrots emerged victorious.
They subjugated humanity,
becoming the dominant species on Earth practically overnight.
Humans are an afterthought.
The Age of the Parrot is now.
♪ intense music ♪
[parrot squawking]
[splatters]
♪ intense music ♪
[parrots squawking]
♪ somber music ♪
[parrot squawks] [human grunts]
I'll never say it. You can't make me.
Gah, you feathered fucks!
Just say "Korvo wants a cracker."
I'm telling you, man, life gets way easier once you sympathize.
No, I'm a hyper-intelligent alien with regenerative capabilities,
and I own a secret book that has all three answers
to the meaning of life.
These are birds, gah!
Fucking Yumyulack, this is all his fault.
Yeah, that little fart face really knows how to cling to power.
Jesse is our only hope.
You could probably find Jesse and her band of human rebels here.
She loves hiding here too.
Oh, if she's over here,
she definitely wouldn't see a brutal slaughter coming.
If you need me, I'll be in my room playing Mario Kart.
How about pasta for dinner tonight?
Everything's been so seed-forward lately.
We should mix it up.
[necks cracking] [parrots squawk]
No! My best friends, parrots number one and two!
Ah!
♪ ominous music ♪
Ow, that bag scraped my giant eyes!
Welcome to the resistance.
Of course, a nerd like you would drag me into school.
We turned it into our base.
Parrots won't come near it 'cause of all the asbestos.
It's because they're cool and school is for losers.
[Yumyulack grunts] - Oh, you.
We know the parrots are planning something.
Something big.
I... I don't know what you're talking about.
Boys.
[whooshing] - Ah!
Notorious bird killers Randy Johnson and Sully Sullenberger?
Let The Big Unit take care of this little traitor.
No, I know there's still good in you!
[drill whirring] - Yumyulack!
Down, boy.
You're a bounty hunter, Yum.
Help us take down the parrots and restore love to the world.
Then everything can go back to the way it used to be.
Why would I wanna go back
to another year of not getting any Valentine's Day cards?
What?
This was never about cold-soaked tuna.
I hated Valentine's Day more than anyone
because I never got a card from anybody at school.
I felt like such a loser.
What are you talking about?
Everyone gets cards.
It's school policy so nobody's feelings get hurt.
Well, mine did!
I never got a single Valentine, so stop rubbing it in.
They put them in our cubbies.
Oh, what's a cubby?
Holy shit!
I had no idea we had cubbies.
Look at all these Valentines.
All these people have a crush on me.
I knew I was a dime piece.
How are you this dumb?
Angela, Pamela, Sandra, and Rita.
What have I done?
The parrots are gonna use my satellite
to permanently remove the voices of everyone on Earth
so they can rule the world forever.
Yumyulack, how could you?
I didn't know about cubbies.
We live in a digital age.
These should be emails.
How much time do we have?
They're launching a spaceship to the satellite right fucking now.
Oh, no!
Wait, sorry, right in a fucking half an hour.
Did you just check your wrist?
Animation error? Let's go!
You were right, Terry. This actually isn't that bad.
And to be honest, Korvo really did want a cracker.
Oh, man, just wait till they lick off the crumbs
with their nubby little tongues.
It's like getting tickled by an eraser.
[airplane crashing]
It's no Hudson, but it'll do.
Ah, Sullenberger.
[parrots squawking]
♪ intense music ♪
[parrots squawking]
Curveball, slider, fastball, boom!
Changeup, boom!
And you're dead, woo, woo, woo.
[drill whirring]
[parrot squawking]
Come on!
Yumyulack!
I'm not ready to lose my voice.
I just learned about explaining things
to women they're already experts on.
Randy, hurry!
I love you, Jesse!
I love you too.
Sometimes the game doesn't go your way.
[screaming]
[parrots squawking]
[intercom beeping]
Can we please get some snacks?
Terry, focus, the parrots are on their way
to Yumyulack's satellite right now.
We need to find some other way to restore love to the world.
But how?
No way we can get that containment unit out of the volcano.
There is one other option.
A species on this planet with so much passion woven into their DNA
that they were immune to the effects of the love removal ray.
JESSE: Penguins!
Twice as monogamous as a human
and one of the most aquadynamic animals in the world.
Not once has a single penguin cheated with me.
They're very dedicated.
Why did that even come up?
Go on, in the hatch, you mate-for-life fuckers!
Come on, penguins, suck in those cute little bellies.
[Opposites groan]
We just need to get these two fancy fucks
to express their love inside the energy chamber.
My satellite will blast their emotions onto Earth,
completely restoring love to humanity.
Look!
We gotta hurry this shit up.
Whoa, nice parrot ship.
What the hell, Korvo?
How come ours isn't shaped like anything?
The fuck do you mean? It's shaped like a ship.
Quick, someone says sexy stuff to get these two feeling sweaty.
I brought some gear from the resistance headquarters
that should do the trick.
No one can resist the sounds of romance.
♪ Marvin Gaye's Let's Get It On playing ♪
♪ I've been really tryin', baby ♪
Ooh, look at the way she's checking you out.
That's one confident hunk of a penguin,
uh, is what she's thinking.
Girl, did you see the way he waddled in there?
Somebody's been hittin' the igloo gym.
I think it's working.
Fuck you!
Birds forever!
They just ejected themselves into space.
JESSE: The parrots must have already gotten to them.
The birds have joined forces.
YUMYULACK: Damn, penguins are truly an amazing animal.
I guess this is it, Terry.
We had a good run.
Ice Lava, trains, inventing NFTs.
I just wish there was something we could do
to save the world.
Ugh, why can't we love each other?
We could operate this stupid thing on our own.
We can't! Shlorpians only have teammate affinity.
Not once have we bought each other flowers
or given the other a RAV4 with a bow on it.
We've never done anything that defines love.
I hate stupid teammate affinity.
It's so annoying that I miss you uncontrollably
the moment you leave a room.
Right, and the way it makes the prickly bumps
on my arm stand up whenever you bend over
to pick up mail off the floor.
[ship squawks]
Since we're going to die anyway,
maybe teammate affinity will nudge the needle a little.
I doubt it,
but any excuse to feel your cold, cracked lips on mine.
[lips smacking]
[laser charging]
[laser fires]
♪ Ow ♪
♪ If you believe ♪
It says "Hubba Hubba."
Wait a minute?
Does that mean we love each other?
Quick, use more tongue!
Take him to mound town, Korvo!
This doesn't make sci-fi sense.
Shut up and kiss me, king.
♪
♪ Let's get it on ♪
♪ I know you know what I've been dreaming of ♪
♪ Don't you, baby ♪
[rumbling]
[palm squeaking]
Keep doing the nasty. it's working.
♪ Oh, help me ♪
♪ I ain't going away ♪
♪ No, I ain't gonna push ♪
♪ I won't push you, baby ♪
My mind isn't clouded by Buffett music.
[parrot squawks]
♪ Come on, come on, come on, come on, darling ♪
♪ Stop beating 'round the bush ♪
Love is back.
This is our chance.
[flames whooshing]
♪ Oh, gonna get it on ♪
♪ Begging you, baby ♪
[computer beeping]
Woo-hoo!
Alright, you guys can stop now.
♪ That it's wrong ♪
JESSE: Guys?
NARRATOR: A family of aliens turned the world upside down,
but that same family were the only ones who could save it.
Korvo and Terry sucked and fucked their way
to restoring humanity through the power of love.
The human uprising was swift and brutal.
They called it World War H
which was a little redundant, but nobody cared.
All parrots and Jimmy Buffett were exiled
to a remote island.
There was just one last thing to do.
♪ wedding march plays ♪
[tires screeching]
[car crashing] [parrot squawks]
♪ wedding music continues ♪
♪
AISHA: Korvo and Terry would like to welcome you,
their family, friends, and public domain characters,
to the undisputed wedding of the century.
Hell yeah, bitch!
I'm Bigfoot, and this shit is toit!
AISHA: Because the ritual of Shlorpian prayers
has the power to melt carbon-based life,
we'll skip straight to the vows.
Korvo?
Terry, you were randomly assigned to me at the brink
of our home planet's destruction.
I probably would've picked anyone else given the chance,
but I would've robbed myself
of the greatest mission partner an alien could want.
I love you.
Perhaps it's fate that today is Valentine's Day,
since you will once again be taking my heart,
not from tyranny, oppression, or persecution,
but from annihilation.
Today, the 14th of February, will no longer be known
as an American holiday
but as the day when the world declared in one voice,
we will not go quietly into the night,
we will not vanish without a fight,
we're going to love on!
We are going to marry Korvo!
[audience cheering]
That was beautiful.
AISHA: By the power vested in me by the Catholic church,
just for today,
I now pronounce you husband and husband.
Okay, go ahead and kiss, I wanna see this.
[glass shatters] [audience cheering]
[lips smacking]
♪ dramatic theme playing ♪
♪
[mimicking laser fire]