1
00:00:07,007 --> 00:00:08,383
{\an8}
2
00:00:09,217 --> 00:00:10,510
Hey, come on, we gotta hurry
3
00:00:10,593 --> 00:00:12,012
or we'll miss the new Drew Barrymore Show.
4
00:00:12,095 --> 00:00:15,265
Drew's having a reunion
with the bicycle from E.T.
5
00:00:15,348 --> 00:00:17,350
The first time she did coke
was right off the seat.
6
00:00:17,434 --> 00:00:18,601
No can do, Yum.
7
00:00:18,685 --> 00:00:20,311
My new boyfriend's pro Call of Duty team
8
00:00:20,395 --> 00:00:23,064
has a match against the New Brunswick
Acid Lions today.
9
00:00:23,148 --> 00:00:24,649
I have to be here to show support.
10
00:00:24,733 --> 00:00:25,734
Ugh, you're such a bot.
11
00:00:25,817 --> 00:00:26,943
You're only into eSports
12
00:00:27,027 --> 00:00:28,445
because you're dating a Twitch Partner.
13
00:00:28,528 --> 00:00:31,281
Nah-uh. I liked Z'ash
when he was just an Affiliate.
14
00:00:31,364 --> 00:00:33,992
Plus, he's played all
the Horizon Zero Dawn DLC,
15
00:00:34,075 --> 00:00:35,994
so he knows how to respect women.
16
00:00:36,077 --> 00:00:38,121
Weren't you just dating
the debate captain?
17
00:00:38,204 --> 00:00:40,331
And before that, some emo douche?
18
00:00:40,415 --> 00:00:42,584
You're really tossing out
the boy toys, Jesse.
19
00:00:42,667 --> 00:00:44,586
You sure this isn't
about you and not them?
20
00:00:46,546 --> 00:00:47,589
'Sup, @Jesse?
21
00:00:47,672 --> 00:00:49,049
Z'ash has entered the chat.
22
00:00:49,132 --> 00:00:52,052
Ooh! I love how online you are in IRL.
23
00:00:52,135 --> 00:00:54,804
People come to the Oasis
for all the things they can do,
24
00:00:54,888 --> 00:00:57,098
but they stay for
all the things they can be.
25
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What does that even mean?
26
00:00:58,641 --> 00:01:01,478
Whisk me away on my gaming chair-iot!
27
00:01:01,561 --> 00:01:04,022
Let the hunt for
Halliday's Easter Eggs begin.
28
00:01:04,105 --> 00:01:07,233
Have fun going home in a chair
not ergonomically designed
29
00:01:07,317 --> 00:01:09,277
for extended subathons, loser!
30
00:01:09,986 --> 00:01:12,322
A better reality awaits!
31
00:01:13,114 --> 00:01:15,658
Planet Shlorp
was a perfect utopia,
32
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until the asteroid hit.
33
00:01:18,244 --> 00:01:20,705
One hundred adults and their replicants
were issued a Pupa
34
00:01:20,789 --> 00:01:22,582
and escaped into the... space,
35
00:01:22,665 --> 00:01:25,251
searching for new homes
on uninhabited worlds.
36
00:01:25,335 --> 00:01:26,669
We crashed on Earth,
37
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{\an8}stranding us on an already
overpopulated planet.
38
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{\an8}That's right, I've been talking
this whole time.
39
00:01:30,548 --> 00:01:31,716
{\an8}I'm the one holding the Pupa.
40
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{\an8}My name is Korvo. This is my show.
41
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{\an8}Bollocks, I just dropped the Pupa.
42
00:01:34,844 --> 00:01:36,763
{\an8}Ugh. This is ridiculous. I hate Earth.
43
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{\an8}It's a horrible home.
44
00:01:37,931 --> 00:01:39,516
{\an8}People are stupid and confusing.
45
00:01:39,599 --> 00:01:41,476
{\an8}Why are there so many types of nipples?
46
00:01:41,559 --> 00:01:43,645
{\an8}Just settle on one size
and shape of nipple
47
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{\an8}so I can pass my figure drawing class!
48
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Pupa.
49
00:01:58,451 --> 00:01:59,661
Ah.
50
00:02:06,000 --> 00:02:07,168
Keep it up, old guy.
51
00:02:07,252 --> 00:02:08,586
Once we get all those yard bucks,
52
00:02:08,670 --> 00:02:09,963
I can pay off my debts
53
00:02:10,046 --> 00:02:11,339
and maybe even have enough left over
54
00:02:11,422 --> 00:02:13,800
to buy a little homestead
by the tire swing
55
00:02:13,883 --> 00:02:16,302
where Terry popped his eye out
trying to do a Jackass.
56
00:02:17,554 --> 00:02:19,514
{\an8}You got that right.
57
00:02:19,597 --> 00:02:20,598
{\an8}
58
00:02:20,682 --> 00:02:22,350
Oh, hang on, I gotta take a leak.
59
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Awww, yeah.
60
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Shit, thought I cured that.
61
00:02:35,530 --> 00:02:37,198
What the fuck are you doin' here?
62
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{\an8}Honestly, I'm surprised you didn't notice
I was hiding in there.
63
00:02:39,659 --> 00:02:41,369
{\an8}The hedgehog saw me sneaking
a look a couple times.
64
00:02:41,452 --> 00:02:43,538
{\an8}- Oh, he did, did he?
65
00:02:43,621 --> 00:02:45,623
{\an8}Well, may as well sit upfront now.
66
00:02:45,707 --> 00:02:47,375
{\an8}Don't feel like you have
to fart less on my behalf.
67
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{\an8}Whoa, whoa, you're not going anywhere.
68
00:02:49,169 --> 00:02:50,545
{\an8}You're going back to Gutterville.
69
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{\an8}And for your information,
that is not farting,
70
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{\an8}the cart seat makes that noise.
71
00:02:54,465 --> 00:02:57,343
You don't understand,
my Uncle Oscar was murdered.
72
00:02:57,427 --> 00:02:59,095
What are you talkin' about?
I just saw him.
73
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{\an8}This bounty hunter guy showed up
on a lizard and killed him.
74
00:03:02,765 --> 00:03:04,893
{\an8}If I go back, he'll get me too.
75
00:03:04,976 --> 00:03:06,603
{\an8}Crap, I think I know that guy.
76
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{\an8}Was the lizard kind of flopping around,
77
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like its bones were optional?
78
00:03:09,647 --> 00:03:11,566
Yeah, super floppy.
79
00:03:11,649 --> 00:03:13,902
{\an8}- Oh, shit. That's Little Richard.
The singer?
80
00:03:13,985 --> 00:03:16,112
{\an8}No, people call him that
because his name is Richard,
81
00:03:16,196 --> 00:03:18,072
{\an8}- and he's little now.
But we're all little.
82
00:03:18,156 --> 00:03:19,991
{\an8}Look, I owe money all over the yard.
83
00:03:20,074 --> 00:03:21,826
{\an8}Someone must have hired to hunt me down.
84
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{\an8}Your uncle was collateral damage.
85
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I'll deliver you to the little village
86
00:03:29,250 --> 00:03:30,668
{\an8}that formed in the raccoon skull.
87
00:03:30,752 --> 00:03:33,463
{\an8}It smells like dead raccoon,
but you'll be safe, okay?
88
00:03:33,546 --> 00:03:35,215
{\an8}I promise I won't slow you down.
89
00:03:35,298 --> 00:03:36,424
{\an8}You already have.
90
00:03:36,507 --> 00:03:38,009
{\an8}Luckily, I know a shortcut.
91
00:03:40,595 --> 00:03:42,555
Oh, it really is the seat!
92
00:03:42,639 --> 00:03:44,057
Nah, that one was me.
93
00:03:46,392 --> 00:03:47,727
{\an8}Hey! Everyone pay attention to me!
94
00:03:47,810 --> 00:03:48,811
{\an8}I just got the greatest
95
00:03:48,895 --> 00:03:50,396
{\an8}fuckerfudgin' email of my life.
96
00:03:50,480 --> 00:03:52,690
{\an8}Don't tell me that Italian prince
needs more money.
97
00:03:52,774 --> 00:03:54,400
{\an8}I'm starting to think he'll never be king.
98
00:03:54,484 --> 00:03:56,027
{\an8}Korvo, you are never going
to believe this,
99
00:03:56,110 --> 00:03:59,364
{\an8}but we have finally become
MeUndies Power Bottoms!
100
00:03:59,447 --> 00:04:02,033
{\an8}Sound the ancient horn
and light the ancestral fires!
101
00:04:02,116 --> 00:04:04,077
{\an8}Today, we are the princes.
102
00:04:04,160 --> 00:04:05,328
{\an8}What's a Power Bottom?
103
00:04:05,411 --> 00:04:07,372
{\an8}It means we bought
so many pairs of MeUndies
104
00:04:07,455 --> 00:04:09,249
{\an8}that we've gained Ultra Diamond status!
105
00:04:09,332 --> 00:04:11,668
{\an8}We're the white meat turkey
of boxer brief subscribers!
106
00:04:11,751 --> 00:04:13,044
{\an8}Hold on to your milkers
107
00:04:13,127 --> 00:04:15,338
{\an8}'cause they're sending
MeUndies and YouUndies
108
00:04:15,421 --> 00:04:16,839
{\an8}on an all-expenses-paid trip
109
00:04:16,923 --> 00:04:19,509
{\an8}to their Balls Fresh Tropicool island!
110
00:04:19,592 --> 00:04:20,969
This is gonna be awesome!
111
00:04:22,845 --> 00:04:24,180
Oh, bitch, you're not going.
112
00:04:24,264 --> 00:04:25,974
Why can't this bitch go?
113
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Because you buy Hanes in a 20-pack plastic
sack like a freak!
114
00:04:28,851 --> 00:04:30,019
They don't even collab with Rihanna.
115
00:04:30,103 --> 00:04:32,105
Imagine a Hanes boy thinking he can go
116
00:04:32,188 --> 00:04:34,148
to the MeUndies Tropicool island.
117
00:04:34,232 --> 00:04:35,650
Come on, guys, I really wanna go.
118
00:04:35,733 --> 00:04:37,360
Yeah, that's the point of status.
119
00:04:37,443 --> 00:04:38,653
Rubbing it in is half the fun,
120
00:04:38,736 --> 00:04:40,113
which is why we'll be sending you pictures
121
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to make you jealous the whole time.
122
00:04:41,531 --> 00:04:43,950
Have fun with your FOMO, you little shit.
123
00:04:45,827 --> 00:04:48,663
Pfft, like I care about
a stupid underpants island.
124
00:04:49,914 --> 00:04:51,749
Aw, man, I'm hella jealous,
125
00:04:51,833 --> 00:04:53,626
and they're not even out of the driveway!
126
00:04:54,836 --> 00:04:56,087
I just don't understand
127
00:04:56,170 --> 00:04:58,006
why you won't let me
come on the whole journey.
128
00:04:58,089 --> 00:05:00,425
I've always wanted to see
all of the backyard.
129
00:05:00,508 --> 00:05:01,926
Yard's a dangerous place.
130
00:05:02,010 --> 00:05:03,761
You've spent most
of your little life sheltered.
131
00:05:03,845 --> 00:05:05,221
Don't trick yourself into thinking
132
00:05:05,305 --> 00:05:06,723
that you know how to survive out here.
133
00:05:06,806 --> 00:05:08,641
Hey, buddy! I can take care of myself!
134
00:05:11,894 --> 00:05:14,022
- Get those things off your head!
- Why did you do that?
135
00:05:14,105 --> 00:05:16,316
- Your earrings! Get rid of 'em!
- No!
136
00:05:16,399 --> 00:05:18,735
Lawn hasn't been watered in weeks.
137
00:05:18,818 --> 00:05:20,653
- The animals are gettin' desperate.
- So?
138
00:05:20,737 --> 00:05:22,989
So a hungry squirrel's attracted
to shiny things.
139
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Like those fuckin' earrings.
140
00:05:24,615 --> 00:05:27,035
Okay, well, I didn't know that.
141
00:05:27,118 --> 00:05:28,578
That's what I meant by sheltered.
142
00:05:28,661 --> 00:05:30,079
I'm a quick study.
143
00:05:30,163 --> 00:05:32,540
I only had to watch,
like, six YouTube tutorials
144
00:05:32,623 --> 00:05:34,042
- to master a cat eye.
- Yeah, well,
145
00:05:34,125 --> 00:05:36,085
just try not to get us killed by a cat.
146
00:05:36,169 --> 00:05:38,254
That doesn't even make sense.
147
00:05:40,548 --> 00:05:43,384
Vacuum. Vacuum ghosts. Vacuum ghosts.
148
00:05:43,468 --> 00:05:44,886
Wow, look at Z'ash go.
149
00:05:44,969 --> 00:05:47,722
He's like the Michael Jordan
of Luigi's Mansion!
150
00:05:47,805 --> 00:05:50,475
Terry and Korvo won't stop
sending me pictures
151
00:05:50,558 --> 00:05:52,143
from their stupid awesome vacation.
152
00:05:52,226 --> 00:05:54,520
Look at their room.
It's built into a cave,
153
00:05:54,604 --> 00:05:56,439
and they have their own goth butler.
154
00:05:56,522 --> 00:05:58,358
Why did I have to wear
the wrong underwear?
155
00:05:58,441 --> 00:06:01,486
Oh, my God, that's my goth
ex-boyfriend Allister.
156
00:06:01,569 --> 00:06:03,112
His real name is Carl, but he changed it
157
00:06:03,196 --> 00:06:05,615
to better reflect the
dark nature of his outfits.
158
00:06:05,698 --> 00:06:07,408
Huh, weird that Allister/Carl
159
00:06:07,492 --> 00:06:09,035
works at the MeUndies resort now.
160
00:06:09,118 --> 00:06:11,746
Oh, no, that's Harrison and Graham.
161
00:06:11,829 --> 00:06:14,916
Ah, geez, okay, look, that's Isla Chafa,
162
00:06:14,999 --> 00:06:16,417
an uninhabited island
163
00:06:16,501 --> 00:06:18,294
where I've been dumping
all my ex-boyfriends
164
00:06:18,378 --> 00:06:19,754
once they get too clingy.
165
00:06:19,837 --> 00:06:21,756
Damn, the staff all have sick rifles.
166
00:06:21,839 --> 00:06:23,174
Would you listen to me?
167
00:06:23,257 --> 00:06:24,384
Terry and Korvo have been kidnapped
168
00:06:24,467 --> 00:06:25,635
by my ex-boyfriends,
169
00:06:25,718 --> 00:06:27,678
and now I have to rescue their asses!
170
00:06:27,762 --> 00:06:30,348
And possibly confront
my heartbreaker past!
171
00:06:30,431 --> 00:06:33,267
Ooh, that's a great excuse
to crash their vacation.
172
00:06:33,351 --> 00:06:34,852
It's not a vacation.
173
00:06:34,936 --> 00:06:36,813
How FOMO blind are you?
174
00:06:36,896 --> 00:06:38,815
Please let me come with you.
I deserve a treat!
175
00:06:38,898 --> 00:06:40,483
I haven't ruined someone's life in, like,
176
00:06:40,566 --> 00:06:41,776
10 hours.
177
00:06:41,859 --> 00:06:44,112
God, you are so stupid.
Okay, fine. Let's go.
178
00:06:48,241 --> 00:06:50,451
There it is, Sandbox Town.
179
00:06:50,785 --> 00:06:53,204
You know, before they built it,
it was just a sandbox.
180
00:06:53,287 --> 00:06:55,289
And before that,
a place for cats to take a shit.
181
00:06:55,373 --> 00:06:57,750
One of the six wonders
of the backyard!
182
00:07:06,968 --> 00:07:08,010
Where is everybody?
183
00:07:08,094 --> 00:07:09,470
I don't know.
184
00:07:09,554 --> 00:07:10,596
Keep your guard up.
185
00:07:23,317 --> 00:07:25,194
{\an8}Lift, lift, lift.
186
00:07:25,820 --> 00:07:27,738
{\an8}Lift, lift, lift.
187
00:07:28,489 --> 00:07:30,908
- Lift, lift, lift.
- Wow, they really want that bottle.
188
00:07:30,992 --> 00:07:33,786
You got a lot of balls
showing face in Sandbox Town,
189
00:07:33,870 --> 00:07:36,622
you roughly one-centimeter-tall
piece of human garbage.
190
00:07:36,706 --> 00:07:38,416
Anthony! Look, I swear to God,
191
00:07:38,499 --> 00:07:40,251
I thought that paper plane could carry us.
192
00:07:42,462 --> 00:07:44,881
I'm just fuckin' with you, man!
193
00:07:45,506 --> 00:07:47,216
But now I'm not kidding.
194
00:07:48,384 --> 00:07:50,470
I was just kidding again.
195
00:07:50,553 --> 00:07:52,180
Comedy rule of twos, you know.
196
00:07:52,263 --> 00:07:54,098
Look how awesome my sword is.
197
00:07:54,182 --> 00:07:56,851
You totally thought
I was gonna stab you, bro.
198
00:07:56,934 --> 00:07:59,228
Your face was like, "Oh! Don't stab me!"
199
00:07:59,312 --> 00:08:01,147
Good to see you, Anthony.
200
00:08:01,230 --> 00:08:02,773
Welcome to my town.
201
00:08:02,857 --> 00:08:04,442
It used to be the sandbox.
202
00:08:04,525 --> 00:08:05,818
Yeah, that's pretty clear.
203
00:08:05,902 --> 00:08:09,197
{\an8}Stop diggin', start vibin'.
We have guests!
204
00:08:09,280 --> 00:08:11,032
{\an8}
205
00:08:18,498 --> 00:08:19,540
Ugh!
206
00:08:21,250 --> 00:08:22,835
We need to be careful
207
00:08:22,919 --> 00:08:25,004
to not run into any of my ex-boyfriends.
208
00:08:25,087 --> 00:08:26,797
They've been abandoned here for so long
209
00:08:26,881 --> 00:08:29,300
they've probably gone a little cuckoo.
210
00:08:29,383 --> 00:08:32,386
I just sent a selfie
to Terry and Korvo.
211
00:08:32,470 --> 00:08:35,139
They're gonna be so pissed
that I crashed their vacation.
212
00:08:35,223 --> 00:08:36,390
They've been kidnapped!
213
00:08:36,474 --> 00:08:37,642
You're the only one who isn't seeing
214
00:08:37,725 --> 00:08:38,935
what's happening here.
215
00:08:42,855 --> 00:08:44,649
Oh! That little Hanes-wearing shit
216
00:08:44,732 --> 00:08:46,025
is on our island!
217
00:08:46,108 --> 00:08:48,069
His FOMO is going to be
wearing off by the second!
218
00:08:48,152 --> 00:08:49,362
Quick, order us room service!
219
00:08:49,445 --> 00:08:50,863
Can we get some food over here?
220
00:08:50,947 --> 00:08:53,074
Look at this picture of
Terry and Korvo's resort food.
221
00:08:53,157 --> 00:08:55,159
They just got free moldy bread!
222
00:08:55,243 --> 00:08:57,828
I gotta figure out a way
to make them as jealous as I am.
223
00:08:57,912 --> 00:08:59,038
Do you see any free snacks?
224
00:08:59,121 --> 00:09:00,414
Did you hear that?
225
00:09:00,498 --> 00:09:02,083
Wallet chain!
226
00:09:07,838 --> 00:09:10,132
It's Allister. Being outside
of his mom's basement
227
00:09:10,216 --> 00:09:11,842
for this long must be making him crazy.
228
00:09:11,926 --> 00:09:13,344
We gotta get past him.
229
00:09:13,427 --> 00:09:15,471
Oh, Terry's sending smug selfies now.
230
00:09:17,723 --> 00:09:19,850
Shit, pentagram necklace!
231
00:09:22,603 --> 00:09:24,605
Hurry, that'll only
distract him for a moment!
232
00:09:24,689 --> 00:09:25,940
Two can play at this game.
233
00:09:26,023 --> 00:09:29,819
Hashtag no filter. Hashtag Hanesboy.
234
00:09:30,903 --> 00:09:32,905
Silence your phone, dumbass,
235
00:09:32,989 --> 00:09:35,032
or you'll alert more feral boyfriends!
236
00:09:35,116 --> 00:09:37,410
Where do you think they do
the vacation braids here?
237
00:09:37,493 --> 00:09:39,579
If Terry sees me with vacation braids,
238
00:09:39,662 --> 00:09:41,330
he's gonna dump gooblers.
239
00:09:41,414 --> 00:09:44,333
Oh, no, it's Graham, my VSCO ex-boyfriend,
240
00:09:44,417 --> 00:09:46,460
and Harrison, leader of the debate team.
241
00:09:46,544 --> 00:09:47,920
They've learned to hunt as a pack.
242
00:09:48,004 --> 00:09:49,714
We have to get out of here.
243
00:09:49,797 --> 00:09:51,090
Sksksksk.
244
00:09:51,173 --> 00:09:52,383
See, the affirmative starts
245
00:09:52,466 --> 00:09:54,260
and they have six minutes
to make their case.
246
00:09:55,177 --> 00:09:57,221
- Grarrrrrr
- Oh, no. Run!
247
00:10:03,519 --> 00:10:04,895
Come on, let's hide behind
248
00:10:04,979 --> 00:10:06,564
the stunningly beautiful waterfall.
249
00:10:06,647 --> 00:10:08,816
I bet Terry and Korvo haven't seen this.
250
00:10:10,901 --> 00:10:13,487
Oh, my God, Z'ash! You came to save me.
251
00:10:13,571 --> 00:10:15,114
You're the best boyfriend of all time.
252
00:10:15,197 --> 00:10:16,824
Game over, Jesse.
253
00:10:16,907 --> 00:10:18,826
Basketballs? I don't get it.
254
00:10:18,909 --> 00:10:20,328
Are those from NBA2K?
255
00:10:34,383 --> 00:10:36,385
The Pupa buried
that bottle of Maker's Mark
256
00:10:36,469 --> 00:10:38,012
with Little Buddy last year.
257
00:10:38,095 --> 00:10:39,847
That guy was a real bad influence.
258
00:10:39,930 --> 00:10:42,016
You've really found a new life here, Tony.
259
00:10:42,099 --> 00:10:43,643
We're all just grains of sand,
260
00:10:43,726 --> 00:10:45,978
passing through fingers, tickling toes,
261
00:10:46,062 --> 00:10:48,814
a couple of grains getting stuck
around the labia flaps.
262
00:10:48,898 --> 00:10:50,650
When you become one with the sand,
263
00:10:50,733 --> 00:10:52,401
you truly find yourself.
264
00:10:52,485 --> 00:10:53,653
So what are you gonna do
265
00:10:53,736 --> 00:10:55,363
with the bottle once you get it out?
266
00:10:55,446 --> 00:10:57,239
Nada. That's nothing in Mexican.
267
00:10:57,323 --> 00:10:59,325
That's a lot of work for nothin'.
268
00:10:59,408 --> 00:11:01,911
We've already removed the plastic shovels
and candy wrappers.
269
00:11:01,994 --> 00:11:03,746
Once we get that bottle out,
270
00:11:03,829 --> 00:11:07,166
the sand will finally be at peace.
271
00:11:07,249 --> 00:11:09,543
Mm, this place is great.
272
00:11:10,002 --> 00:11:11,754
Plus, this food is amazing!
273
00:11:11,837 --> 00:11:14,965
Yeah, everyone seems a little too into it.
274
00:11:18,344 --> 00:11:20,388
Hey, something weird's
going on around here, right?
275
00:11:20,471 --> 00:11:22,306
Yeah, usually hippies dive into
276
00:11:22,390 --> 00:11:24,350
an orgy way faster than this.
277
00:11:24,433 --> 00:11:25,643
They're harmless.
278
00:11:25,726 --> 00:11:26,936
So you love sand, huh?
279
00:11:27,019 --> 00:11:29,480
Oh, yeah. I-I could talk
about it at length.
280
00:11:29,563 --> 00:11:30,898
Hmm, please do.
281
00:11:32,775 --> 00:11:34,360
Where are we?
282
00:11:34,443 --> 00:11:36,904
Look, boys, the princess is awake.
283
00:11:37,905 --> 00:11:39,740
Z'ash, I can't believe
you would do this to me.
284
00:11:39,824 --> 00:11:42,243
I changed your diapers
during your Destiny raids.
285
00:11:42,326 --> 00:11:44,245
Did Krota mean nothing to you?
286
00:11:44,328 --> 00:11:46,997
The eSports boyfriend
that you knew as Z'ash
287
00:11:47,081 --> 00:11:48,249
was just a fiction,
288
00:11:48,332 --> 00:11:51,335
a ploy to distract you into complacency.
289
00:11:51,419 --> 00:11:54,630
In reality, I am, and have always been,
290
00:11:54,714 --> 00:11:56,298
Splash Mondoon,
291
00:11:56,382 --> 00:11:58,551
your regular sports boyfriend.
292
00:11:58,634 --> 00:12:01,429
I like basketball, hockey, and et cetera!
293
00:12:01,512 --> 00:12:03,514
No wonder you were so bad at Destiny 2.
294
00:12:03,597 --> 00:12:05,558
I planned all of this to get back at you
295
00:12:05,641 --> 00:12:08,519
for abandoning me and your dumb other exes
on this cursed island.
296
00:12:08,602 --> 00:12:10,479
I used my rowing techniques to escape,
297
00:12:10,563 --> 00:12:13,065
then lured you here
with my general sports charisma.
298
00:12:13,149 --> 00:12:16,193
Now you know how it feels
to be trapped by a lover.
299
00:12:16,277 --> 00:12:18,529
Jesse, what the hell is happening here?
300
00:12:18,612 --> 00:12:21,157
Ugh! I already explained it and so did he.
301
00:12:21,240 --> 00:12:22,867
Yeah, but even half paying attention,
302
00:12:22,950 --> 00:12:25,578
why are these exes
so heightened and specific?
303
00:12:25,661 --> 00:12:28,748
Because they aren't normal ex-boyfriends.
304
00:12:29,498 --> 00:12:31,208
At school, I was having a hard time
305
00:12:31,292 --> 00:12:32,793
finding my own identity.
306
00:12:32,877 --> 00:12:35,045
All the other girls in my class
have distinct personalities,
307
00:12:35,129 --> 00:12:37,882
and I'm just a boring old space alien.
308
00:12:37,965 --> 00:12:39,842
So I used a device on the ship
309
00:12:39,925 --> 00:12:43,596
to 3D print flesh hunks coded
with hyper-specific interests,
310
00:12:43,679 --> 00:12:46,223
then I dated them so I could adopt
their personalities.
311
00:12:46,307 --> 00:12:47,725
But that didn't work, did it?
312
00:12:47,808 --> 00:12:49,268
No. I kept getting bored
313
00:12:49,351 --> 00:12:51,854
and ashamed of being
such a poser with each guy,
314
00:12:51,937 --> 00:12:53,272
so instead of breaking up with them,
315
00:12:53,355 --> 00:12:54,648
I threw them away on this island
316
00:12:54,732 --> 00:12:56,275
and started from scratch.
317
00:12:56,358 --> 00:12:58,194
- Jesse. Oh, my God.
- I know!
318
00:12:58,277 --> 00:13:00,446
I love 'em, leave 'em,
and never retrieve 'em.
319
00:13:00,529 --> 00:13:02,948
Our cave is twice as big
as Terry and Korvo's.
320
00:13:03,032 --> 00:13:04,200
That is so lit.
321
00:13:04,283 --> 00:13:06,243
Yum, your ADHD has gone from cute
322
00:13:06,327 --> 00:13:08,120
to troubling real quick.
323
00:13:08,204 --> 00:13:10,581
Well, I'm glad you can finally
admit what you did, Jesse.
324
00:13:10,664 --> 00:13:12,750
It was cruel of you to use us
and then lose us.
325
00:13:12,833 --> 00:13:14,543
I know and I'm sorry.
326
00:13:14,627 --> 00:13:16,003
Just let my family go, Splash.
327
00:13:16,086 --> 00:13:17,588
They don't deserve this.
328
00:13:17,671 --> 00:13:20,132
Uh, I'm gonna have to give you
a red card on that one, chief.
329
00:13:20,216 --> 00:13:22,885
We're gonna leave you and your family
to rot in this cave.
330
00:13:22,968 --> 00:13:24,303
And after that, we're going
to move into your house
331
00:13:24,428 --> 00:13:26,305
so we can take a shit in a real bathroom.
332
00:13:26,388 --> 00:13:28,682
Yumyulack's room is bigger.
333
00:13:28,766 --> 00:13:30,810
That whiny little pussy
must have gotten upgraded!
334
00:13:30,893 --> 00:13:33,437
Okay, sure. B-b-but does he have
all these bats? Huh?
335
00:13:33,521 --> 00:13:34,647
Send him a picture of those.
336
00:13:39,819 --> 00:13:42,279
Hey, Gavin. Wake up, man. What's the deal?
337
00:13:42,363 --> 00:13:43,948
Yummy Eric Bana.
338
00:13:44,031 --> 00:13:45,866
I'm going to T-Bell, you want a new face?
339
00:13:45,950 --> 00:13:47,618
Are you stoned?
340
00:13:53,457 --> 00:13:54,792
Hmm.
341
00:14:11,433 --> 00:14:12,601
A-ha! I knew it.
342
00:14:12,685 --> 00:14:14,353
What're you doing here?
343
00:14:14,436 --> 00:14:16,063
You're using these mushrooms
344
00:14:16,146 --> 00:14:18,983
to drug your people
into zonked-out hippies.
345
00:14:19,066 --> 00:14:20,985
What? No. These are shiitake.
346
00:14:21,068 --> 00:14:24,738
I know magic mushrooms grow
in a shit-positive environment,
347
00:14:24,864 --> 00:14:26,866
that's why this hole smells like ass.
348
00:14:26,949 --> 00:14:28,617
Okay, fine, you're right.
349
00:14:28,701 --> 00:14:30,744
The backyard is a terrifying place to live
350
00:14:30,828 --> 00:14:34,206
and the psilocybin, it helps us become
one with the sand.
351
00:14:34,290 --> 00:14:36,250
And also we have killer orgies.
352
00:14:36,333 --> 00:14:37,918
Bullshit! If it was all good,
353
00:14:38,002 --> 00:14:39,503
then you wouldn't be sneaking off.
354
00:14:39,587 --> 00:14:41,797
I'm gonna tell the truth
and let your people decide
355
00:14:41,881 --> 00:14:43,924
if they like tripping balls all day.
356
00:14:44,008 --> 00:14:46,135
- Aah!
- You like truth, huh? Fine.
357
00:14:46,218 --> 00:14:49,179
I need these people stoned
so they keep digging.
358
00:14:49,263 --> 00:14:50,681
All this for sand?
359
00:14:50,764 --> 00:14:53,142
I don't care about the stupid sand.
360
00:14:53,225 --> 00:14:55,185
What I want is the bottle.
361
00:14:55,269 --> 00:14:56,770
When I get that whiskey,
362
00:14:56,854 --> 00:14:59,648
I'm going to corner the market
on booze in the backyard.
363
00:14:59,732 --> 00:15:01,442
I'll be so rich with yard bucks,
364
00:15:01,525 --> 00:15:03,110
I can leave all these dummies behind
365
00:15:03,193 --> 00:15:04,486
and move to Basketballburgh
366
00:15:04,570 --> 00:15:06,363
where I can buy my way into the elite.
367
00:15:06,447 --> 00:15:08,782
So you're just gonna abandon these people?
368
00:15:08,866 --> 00:15:10,075
Of course, I am.
369
00:15:10,159 --> 00:15:11,577
Rich people can do whatever they want.
370
00:15:11,660 --> 00:15:13,412
Not if I tell them what you're up to.
371
00:15:13,495 --> 00:15:14,997
Uh, yeah, about that.
372
00:15:15,080 --> 00:15:16,749
Remember my awesome sword?
373
00:15:16,832 --> 00:15:17,833
I'm gonna kill you with it.
374
00:15:21,962 --> 00:15:23,631
You got shit in my eyes!
375
00:15:23,714 --> 00:15:26,133
Fuck! It's under my contact lens!
376
00:15:26,216 --> 00:15:29,303
Sorry, Yum. If I just had
confidence in who I was,
377
00:15:29,386 --> 00:15:31,680
I wouldn't have had to make
all those fake boyfriends
378
00:15:31,764 --> 00:15:33,307
and none of this would've happened.
379
00:15:33,390 --> 00:15:34,558
We almost have an ocean view.
380
00:15:34,642 --> 00:15:36,185
I don't need to get an identity
381
00:15:36,268 --> 00:15:37,728
from ship-printed boyfriends.
382
00:15:37,811 --> 00:15:39,063
I just have to be myself,
383
00:15:39,146 --> 00:15:41,023
and then the power of my true personality
384
00:15:41,106 --> 00:15:43,651
will overcome these boyfriends
and they'll release me.
385
00:15:43,734 --> 00:15:45,110
Hey, Splash.
386
00:15:45,194 --> 00:15:46,278
What do you want?
387
00:15:46,362 --> 00:15:47,696
This is the real me.
388
00:15:47,780 --> 00:15:50,074
I like my family. I love to sleep in.
389
00:15:50,157 --> 00:15:52,785
Once I returned Cheetos Flaming Hot Wings
from Applebee's
390
00:15:52,868 --> 00:15:54,370
and said it was 'cause they were cold,
391
00:15:54,453 --> 00:15:56,413
but I just regretted ordering them.
392
00:15:56,497 --> 00:15:58,165
That's the real Jesse.
393
00:15:58,248 --> 00:15:59,333
Now you know.
394
00:16:01,627 --> 00:16:04,171
Nice try. That was just
a list of boring traits.
395
00:16:04,254 --> 00:16:06,507
Teenagers don't develop real personalities
396
00:16:06,590 --> 00:16:08,550
until they get in their 20s.
397
00:16:08,634 --> 00:16:11,720
Oh, no! So being myself didn't work?
398
00:16:11,804 --> 00:16:15,307
No, just like Wendy's fries, you're bland.
399
00:16:15,391 --> 00:16:17,476
We're gonna be trapped here until I'm 20?
400
00:16:17,559 --> 00:16:19,436
Will Hulu even exist then?
401
00:16:19,520 --> 00:16:21,563
Wait. Hey, Harrison, debate boyfriend.
402
00:16:21,647 --> 00:16:23,107
Yumyulack was just saying he wanted
403
00:16:23,190 --> 00:16:24,483
to use an ad hominem attack.
404
00:16:24,566 --> 00:16:26,110
What? No way, you-you can't do that.
405
00:16:26,819 --> 00:16:27,903
Ah!
406
00:16:31,198 --> 00:16:33,325
Wait, don't you wanna hear me
establish my assertion
407
00:16:33,409 --> 00:16:34,827
with evidence and logic?
408
00:16:35,369 --> 00:16:37,538
Stop them!
409
00:16:43,752 --> 00:16:45,587
Gavin, we gotta go.
410
00:16:45,671 --> 00:16:48,507
Just disco fries, please.
I hide the key in my armpit.
411
00:16:48,590 --> 00:16:50,009
Come on, big guy, wake up.
412
00:16:53,887 --> 00:16:56,098
You gotta sober up, man. Come on.
413
00:17:08,861 --> 00:17:10,029
Wh-where are we?
414
00:17:10,112 --> 00:17:11,822
I need you to get your head on straight.
415
00:17:11,905 --> 00:17:13,032
Anthony is--
416
00:17:20,789 --> 00:17:21,999
What's going on?
417
00:17:22,082 --> 00:17:24,877
This bottle belongs
to all the sand people.
418
00:17:24,960 --> 00:17:26,879
It could change their lives.
419
00:17:29,256 --> 00:17:32,134
With that thinking, you'll never survive
in the backyard.
420
00:17:33,594 --> 00:17:35,804
Wow, that sword really is cool.
421
00:17:36,305 --> 00:17:38,432
- Where did you buy it?
- Buy it?
422
00:17:38,515 --> 00:17:40,059
I made this by hand.
423
00:17:40,142 --> 00:17:43,395
Unlike you, I've had to scratch
and claw my own way
424
00:17:43,479 --> 00:17:44,813
through this godforsaken yard.
425
00:17:44,897 --> 00:17:46,648
Wow, tell me more.
426
00:17:46,732 --> 00:17:49,318
I made it from the nail file part
of some clippers,
427
00:17:49,401 --> 00:17:51,403
and the handle is a piece of sticker.
428
00:17:51,487 --> 00:17:53,989
I once heard that having something shiny
429
00:17:54,073 --> 00:17:56,658
in the backyard is a really bad idea.
430
00:17:59,912 --> 00:18:01,288
No, no.
431
00:18:27,439 --> 00:18:30,234
That's right. I control the sand.
432
00:18:34,655 --> 00:18:36,365
- Get out of there.
- No.
433
00:18:36,448 --> 00:18:37,991
I've got this!
434
00:18:39,827 --> 00:18:42,329
I'm the master of the sand!
435
00:18:46,125 --> 00:18:47,251
Let's get the fuck out of here
436
00:18:47,334 --> 00:18:48,460
before he springs out of the sand.
437
00:18:48,544 --> 00:18:50,629
I have seen too many
of those kind of movies.
438
00:18:57,010 --> 00:18:58,303
Hashtag cardio life.
439
00:18:58,387 --> 00:18:59,471
I'll never beat these boys
440
00:18:59,555 --> 00:19:01,223
without a real personality.
441
00:19:01,306 --> 00:19:03,433
I need life experience fast.
442
00:19:03,517 --> 00:19:04,726
Maybe I can date a vegan
443
00:19:04,810 --> 00:19:06,311
or travel to Belize for one month
444
00:19:06,395 --> 00:19:07,771
and make it my whole thing.
445
00:19:07,855 --> 00:19:09,606
But that's still so basic.
446
00:19:09,690 --> 00:19:11,900
Ah, great, now it's loading car ads first.
447
00:19:11,984 --> 00:19:14,111
Why does it do that? Just post already.
448
00:19:14,444 --> 00:19:16,446
Wait! Yumyulack, that's it.
449
00:19:16,530 --> 00:19:18,282
Uh, what the hell is going on?
450
00:19:18,365 --> 00:19:20,284
When did we end up on a cliff?
What day is it?
451
00:19:21,201 --> 00:19:22,578
I'm gonna throw you off this mountain
452
00:19:22,661 --> 00:19:25,038
and kill your uncharismatic ass for good.
453
00:19:25,122 --> 00:19:28,083
I may be basic,
but now I'm basic with this.
454
00:19:28,167 --> 00:19:29,293
You bought a car?
455
00:19:29,376 --> 00:19:30,752
That's the one thing that simulates
456
00:19:30,836 --> 00:19:32,963
an identity in teens! Yech.
457
00:19:33,046 --> 00:19:35,716
That's right. A 2009 Saturn Vue
458
00:19:35,799 --> 00:19:37,426
in clinical blue.
459
00:19:37,509 --> 00:19:39,636
My credit journey starts today.
460
00:19:39,720 --> 00:19:42,014
You have more personality
than anyone in your grade.
461
00:19:42,097 --> 00:19:43,849
Why is this happening to me?
462
00:19:43,932 --> 00:19:46,935
The more interesting I get,
the weaker you become.
463
00:19:47,019 --> 00:19:48,896
I'm gonna get a "coexist" bumper sticker
464
00:19:48,979 --> 00:19:51,398
and be a designated driver, bitch.
465
00:19:51,481 --> 00:19:53,567
Everyone will wanna hang out with me now.
466
00:20:04,411 --> 00:20:05,871
Ugh.
467
00:20:05,954 --> 00:20:07,331
How long is this going to take?
468
00:20:07,414 --> 00:20:08,874
We're starting to sober up.
469
00:20:08,957 --> 00:20:10,751
This will just take a minute, Stacis.
470
00:20:10,834 --> 00:20:12,628
And then we can go back to being popular.
471
00:20:12,711 --> 00:20:14,630
{\an8}Hit a whippet while I wrap up my shit.
472
00:20:14,713 --> 00:20:17,132
{\an8}Turn me up, queen.
473
00:20:18,467 --> 00:20:20,928
Come on, it's okay. You can do it.
474
00:20:22,512 --> 00:20:24,932
You'll be safe here.
These are your people.
475
00:20:29,311 --> 00:20:30,938
Don't worry, I'm gonna get you all
476
00:20:31,021 --> 00:20:32,564
to your natural habitats.
477
00:20:32,648 --> 00:20:35,317
Because I have a car.
478
00:20:35,400 --> 00:20:37,569
Jesse rules!
479
00:20:37,653 --> 00:20:39,404
Let's get fucked up on hard seltzer
480
00:20:39,488 --> 00:20:41,073
and disappoint our stepdads.
481
00:20:41,156 --> 00:20:42,532
Whoo-hoo!
482
00:20:44,243 --> 00:20:45,410
Wow, what a day.
483
00:20:45,494 --> 00:20:47,913
We saved the boyfriends,
confronted my past,
484
00:20:47,996 --> 00:20:49,748
and we even rescued Terry and Korvo.
485
00:20:49,831 --> 00:20:51,083
I can't believe they thought
486
00:20:51,166 --> 00:20:52,834
they were on a vacation the whole time.
487
00:20:52,918 --> 00:20:54,294
What a couple of dipshits.
488
00:20:54,378 --> 00:20:56,964
Wait a minute,
did we rescue Terry and Korvo?
489
00:20:57,047 --> 00:20:59,049
Yeah, right? I thought we did.
490
00:20:59,132 --> 00:21:01,551
Didn't Terry make us
those Skittles frittatas for brunch?
491
00:21:01,635 --> 00:21:02,678
I made those.
492
00:21:02,761 --> 00:21:03,929
Ah, geez.
493
00:21:04,680 --> 00:21:08,100
Oh, man. I've never felt
this relaxed in my life.
494
00:21:08,183 --> 00:21:11,228
Best wellness retreat ever.
495
00:21:12,479 --> 00:21:14,147
Damn, Korv, you're so relaxed.
496
00:21:14,231 --> 00:21:17,276
Yum's gonna be so jealous...
497
00:21:20,988 --> 00:21:22,155
How are you feeling?
498
00:21:22,239 --> 00:21:23,615
Like shit.
499
00:21:24,491 --> 00:21:25,826
I'm glad you trusted your gut,
500
00:21:25,909 --> 00:21:28,370
or we'd be stoned
and digging in sand right now.
501
00:21:28,453 --> 00:21:29,746
Huh.
502
00:21:29,830 --> 00:21:32,124
Maybe you do have what it takes
to make it out here.
503
00:21:32,207 --> 00:21:33,667
I still have a lot to learn.
504
00:21:33,750 --> 00:21:35,544
Like, I can't believe that even after
505
00:21:35,627 --> 00:21:37,170
we told everyone about Anthony's plan,
506
00:21:37,254 --> 00:21:39,298
they still decided to keep doing mushrooms
507
00:21:39,381 --> 00:21:40,716
and worshiping the sand.
508
00:21:40,799 --> 00:21:42,551
Ah, I guess we all have
509
00:21:42,634 --> 00:21:44,344
to find some way to be happy.
510
00:21:49,224 --> 00:21:50,934
Tell me where they went.
511
00:21:51,018 --> 00:21:53,895
- I told you I don't know.
- Just like the rest of 'em.
512
00:21:54,896 --> 00:21:56,481
You're no use to me.