1 00:00:07,007 --> 00:00:08,383 {\an8} 2 00:00:09,217 --> 00:00:10,510 Hey, come on, we gotta hurry 3 00:00:10,593 --> 00:00:12,012 or we'll miss the new Drew Barrymore Show. 4 00:00:12,095 --> 00:00:15,265 Drew's having a reunion with the bicycle from E.T. 5 00:00:15,348 --> 00:00:17,350 The first time she did coke was right off the seat. 6 00:00:17,434 --> 00:00:18,601 No can do, Yum. 7 00:00:18,685 --> 00:00:20,311 My new boyfriend's pro Call of Duty team 8 00:00:20,395 --> 00:00:23,064 has a match against the New Brunswick Acid Lions today. 9 00:00:23,148 --> 00:00:24,649 I have to be here to show support. 10 00:00:24,733 --> 00:00:25,734 Ugh, you're such a bot. 11 00:00:25,817 --> 00:00:26,943 You're only into eSports 12 00:00:27,027 --> 00:00:28,445 because you're dating a Twitch Partner. 13 00:00:28,528 --> 00:00:31,281 Nah-uh. I liked Z'ash when he was just an Affiliate. 14 00:00:31,364 --> 00:00:33,992 Plus, he's played all the Horizon Zero Dawn DLC, 15 00:00:34,075 --> 00:00:35,994 so he knows how to respect women. 16 00:00:36,077 --> 00:00:38,121 Weren't you just dating the debate captain? 17 00:00:38,204 --> 00:00:40,331 And before that, some emo douche? 18 00:00:40,415 --> 00:00:42,584 You're really tossing out the boy toys, Jesse. 19 00:00:42,667 --> 00:00:44,586 You sure this isn't about you and not them? 20 00:00:46,546 --> 00:00:47,589 'Sup, @Jesse? 21 00:00:47,672 --> 00:00:49,049 Z'ash has entered the chat. 22 00:00:49,132 --> 00:00:52,052 Ooh! I love how online you are in IRL. 23 00:00:52,135 --> 00:00:54,804 People come to the Oasis for all the things they can do, 24 00:00:54,888 --> 00:00:57,098 but they stay for all the things they can be. 25 00:00:57,182 --> 00:00:58,558 What does that even mean? 26 00:00:58,641 --> 00:01:01,478 Whisk me away on my gaming chair-iot! 27 00:01:01,561 --> 00:01:04,022 Let the hunt for Halliday's Easter Eggs begin. 28 00:01:04,105 --> 00:01:07,233 Have fun going home in a chair not ergonomically designed 29 00:01:07,317 --> 00:01:09,277 for extended subathons, loser! 30 00:01:09,986 --> 00:01:12,322 A better reality awaits! 31 00:01:13,114 --> 00:01:15,658 Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia, 32 00:01:15,742 --> 00:01:17,744 until the asteroid hit. 33 00:01:18,244 --> 00:01:20,705 One hundred adults and their replicants were issued a Pupa 34 00:01:20,789 --> 00:01:22,582 and escaped into the... space, 35 00:01:22,665 --> 00:01:25,251 searching for new homes on uninhabited worlds. 36 00:01:25,335 --> 00:01:26,669 We crashed on Earth, 37 00:01:26,753 --> 00:01:28,922 {\an8}stranding us on an already overpopulated planet. 38 00:01:29,005 --> 00:01:30,465 {\an8}That's right, I've been talking this whole time. 39 00:01:30,548 --> 00:01:31,716 {\an8}I'm the one holding the Pupa. 40 00:01:31,800 --> 00:01:33,510 {\an8}My name is Korvo. This is my show. 41 00:01:33,593 --> 00:01:34,761 {\an8}Bollocks, I just dropped the Pupa. 42 00:01:34,844 --> 00:01:36,763 {\an8}Ugh. This is ridiculous. I hate Earth. 43 00:01:36,846 --> 00:01:37,847 {\an8}It's a horrible home. 44 00:01:37,931 --> 00:01:39,516 {\an8}People are stupid and confusing. 45 00:01:39,599 --> 00:01:41,476 {\an8}Why are there so many types of nipples? 46 00:01:41,559 --> 00:01:43,645 {\an8}Just settle on one size and shape of nipple 47 00:01:43,728 --> 00:01:45,688 {\an8}so I can pass my figure drawing class! 48 00:01:54,155 --> 00:01:55,323 Pupa. 49 00:01:58,451 --> 00:01:59,661 Ah. 50 00:02:06,000 --> 00:02:07,168 Keep it up, old guy. 51 00:02:07,252 --> 00:02:08,586 Once we get all those yard bucks, 52 00:02:08,670 --> 00:02:09,963 I can pay off my debts 53 00:02:10,046 --> 00:02:11,339 and maybe even have enough left over 54 00:02:11,422 --> 00:02:13,800 to buy a little homestead by the tire swing 55 00:02:13,883 --> 00:02:16,302 where Terry popped his eye out trying to do a Jackass. 56 00:02:17,554 --> 00:02:19,514 {\an8}You got that right. 57 00:02:19,597 --> 00:02:20,598 {\an8} 58 00:02:20,682 --> 00:02:22,350 Oh, hang on, I gotta take a leak. 59 00:02:24,602 --> 00:02:26,062 Awww, yeah. 60 00:02:27,772 --> 00:02:29,440 Shit, thought I cured that. 61 00:02:35,530 --> 00:02:37,198 What the fuck are you doin' here? 62 00:02:37,282 --> 00:02:39,576 {\an8}Honestly, I'm surprised you didn't notice I was hiding in there. 63 00:02:39,659 --> 00:02:41,369 {\an8}The hedgehog saw me sneaking a look a couple times. 64 00:02:41,452 --> 00:02:43,538 {\an8}- Oh, he did, did he? 65 00:02:43,621 --> 00:02:45,623 {\an8}Well, may as well sit upfront now. 66 00:02:45,707 --> 00:02:47,375 {\an8}Don't feel like you have to fart less on my behalf. 67 00:02:47,458 --> 00:02:49,085 {\an8}Whoa, whoa, you're not going anywhere. 68 00:02:49,169 --> 00:02:50,545 {\an8}You're going back to Gutterville. 69 00:02:50,628 --> 00:02:52,714 {\an8}And for your information, that is not farting, 70 00:02:52,797 --> 00:02:54,382 {\an8}the cart seat makes that noise. 71 00:02:54,465 --> 00:02:57,343 You don't understand, my Uncle Oscar was murdered. 72 00:02:57,427 --> 00:02:59,095 What are you talkin' about? I just saw him. 73 00:02:59,179 --> 00:03:02,682 {\an8}This bounty hunter guy showed up on a lizard and killed him. 74 00:03:02,765 --> 00:03:04,893 {\an8}If I go back, he'll get me too. 75 00:03:04,976 --> 00:03:06,603 {\an8}Crap, I think I know that guy. 76 00:03:06,686 --> 00:03:08,229 {\an8}Was the lizard kind of flopping around, 77 00:03:08,313 --> 00:03:09,564 like its bones were optional? 78 00:03:09,647 --> 00:03:11,566 Yeah, super floppy. 79 00:03:11,649 --> 00:03:13,902 {\an8}- Oh, shit. That's Little Richard. The singer? 80 00:03:13,985 --> 00:03:16,112 {\an8}No, people call him that because his name is Richard, 81 00:03:16,196 --> 00:03:18,072 {\an8}- and he's little now. But we're all little. 82 00:03:18,156 --> 00:03:19,991 {\an8}Look, I owe money all over the yard. 83 00:03:20,074 --> 00:03:21,826 {\an8}Someone must have hired to hunt me down. 84 00:03:21,910 --> 00:03:23,828 {\an8}Your uncle was collateral damage. 85 00:03:27,665 --> 00:03:29,167 I'll deliver you to the little village 86 00:03:29,250 --> 00:03:30,668 {\an8}that formed in the raccoon skull. 87 00:03:30,752 --> 00:03:33,463 {\an8}It smells like dead raccoon, but you'll be safe, okay? 88 00:03:33,546 --> 00:03:35,215 {\an8}I promise I won't slow you down. 89 00:03:35,298 --> 00:03:36,424 {\an8}You already have. 90 00:03:36,507 --> 00:03:38,009 {\an8}Luckily, I know a shortcut. 91 00:03:40,595 --> 00:03:42,555 Oh, it really is the seat! 92 00:03:42,639 --> 00:03:44,057 Nah, that one was me. 93 00:03:46,392 --> 00:03:47,727 {\an8}Hey! Everyone pay attention to me! 94 00:03:47,810 --> 00:03:48,811 {\an8}I just got the greatest 95 00:03:48,895 --> 00:03:50,396 {\an8}fuckerfudgin' email of my life. 96 00:03:50,480 --> 00:03:52,690 {\an8}Don't tell me that Italian prince needs more money. 97 00:03:52,774 --> 00:03:54,400 {\an8}I'm starting to think he'll never be king. 98 00:03:54,484 --> 00:03:56,027 {\an8}Korvo, you are never going to believe this, 99 00:03:56,110 --> 00:03:59,364 {\an8}but we have finally become MeUndies Power Bottoms! 100 00:03:59,447 --> 00:04:02,033 {\an8}Sound the ancient horn and light the ancestral fires! 101 00:04:02,116 --> 00:04:04,077 {\an8}Today, we are the princes. 102 00:04:04,160 --> 00:04:05,328 {\an8}What's a Power Bottom? 103 00:04:05,411 --> 00:04:07,372 {\an8}It means we bought so many pairs of MeUndies 104 00:04:07,455 --> 00:04:09,249 {\an8}that we've gained Ultra Diamond status! 105 00:04:09,332 --> 00:04:11,668 {\an8}We're the white meat turkey of boxer brief subscribers! 106 00:04:11,751 --> 00:04:13,044 {\an8}Hold on to your milkers 107 00:04:13,127 --> 00:04:15,338 {\an8}'cause they're sending MeUndies and YouUndies 108 00:04:15,421 --> 00:04:16,839 {\an8}on an all-expenses-paid trip 109 00:04:16,923 --> 00:04:19,509 {\an8}to their Balls Fresh Tropicool island! 110 00:04:19,592 --> 00:04:20,969 This is gonna be awesome! 111 00:04:22,845 --> 00:04:24,180 Oh, bitch, you're not going. 112 00:04:24,264 --> 00:04:25,974 Why can't this bitch go? 113 00:04:26,057 --> 00:04:28,768 Because you buy Hanes in a 20-pack plastic sack like a freak! 114 00:04:28,851 --> 00:04:30,019 They don't even collab with Rihanna. 115 00:04:30,103 --> 00:04:32,105 Imagine a Hanes boy thinking he can go 116 00:04:32,188 --> 00:04:34,148 to the MeUndies Tropicool island. 117 00:04:34,232 --> 00:04:35,650 Come on, guys, I really wanna go. 118 00:04:35,733 --> 00:04:37,360 Yeah, that's the point of status. 119 00:04:37,443 --> 00:04:38,653 Rubbing it in is half the fun, 120 00:04:38,736 --> 00:04:40,113 which is why we'll be sending you pictures 121 00:04:40,196 --> 00:04:41,447 to make you jealous the whole time. 122 00:04:41,531 --> 00:04:43,950 Have fun with your FOMO, you little shit. 123 00:04:45,827 --> 00:04:48,663 Pfft, like I care about a stupid underpants island. 124 00:04:49,914 --> 00:04:51,749 Aw, man, I'm hella jealous, 125 00:04:51,833 --> 00:04:53,626 and they're not even out of the driveway! 126 00:04:54,836 --> 00:04:56,087 I just don't understand 127 00:04:56,170 --> 00:04:58,006 why you won't let me come on the whole journey. 128 00:04:58,089 --> 00:05:00,425 I've always wanted to see all of the backyard. 129 00:05:00,508 --> 00:05:01,926 Yard's a dangerous place. 130 00:05:02,010 --> 00:05:03,761 You've spent most of your little life sheltered. 131 00:05:03,845 --> 00:05:05,221 Don't trick yourself into thinking 132 00:05:05,305 --> 00:05:06,723 that you know how to survive out here. 133 00:05:06,806 --> 00:05:08,641 Hey, buddy! I can take care of myself! 134 00:05:11,894 --> 00:05:14,022 - Get those things off your head! - Why did you do that? 135 00:05:14,105 --> 00:05:16,316 - Your earrings! Get rid of 'em! - No! 136 00:05:16,399 --> 00:05:18,735 Lawn hasn't been watered in weeks. 137 00:05:18,818 --> 00:05:20,653 - The animals are gettin' desperate. - So? 138 00:05:20,737 --> 00:05:22,989 So a hungry squirrel's attracted to shiny things. 139 00:05:23,072 --> 00:05:24,532 Like those fuckin' earrings. 140 00:05:24,615 --> 00:05:27,035 Okay, well, I didn't know that. 141 00:05:27,118 --> 00:05:28,578 That's what I meant by sheltered. 142 00:05:28,661 --> 00:05:30,079 I'm a quick study. 143 00:05:30,163 --> 00:05:32,540 I only had to watch, like, six YouTube tutorials 144 00:05:32,623 --> 00:05:34,042 - to master a cat eye. - Yeah, well, 145 00:05:34,125 --> 00:05:36,085 just try not to get us killed by a cat. 146 00:05:36,169 --> 00:05:38,254 That doesn't even make sense. 147 00:05:40,548 --> 00:05:43,384 Vacuum. Vacuum ghosts. Vacuum ghosts. 148 00:05:43,468 --> 00:05:44,886 Wow, look at Z'ash go. 149 00:05:44,969 --> 00:05:47,722 He's like the Michael Jordan of Luigi's Mansion! 150 00:05:47,805 --> 00:05:50,475 Terry and Korvo won't stop sending me pictures 151 00:05:50,558 --> 00:05:52,143 from their stupid awesome vacation. 152 00:05:52,226 --> 00:05:54,520 Look at their room. It's built into a cave, 153 00:05:54,604 --> 00:05:56,439 and they have their own goth butler. 154 00:05:56,522 --> 00:05:58,358 Why did I have to wear the wrong underwear? 155 00:05:58,441 --> 00:06:01,486 Oh, my God, that's my goth ex-boyfriend Allister. 156 00:06:01,569 --> 00:06:03,112 His real name is Carl, but he changed it 157 00:06:03,196 --> 00:06:05,615 to better reflect the dark nature of his outfits. 158 00:06:05,698 --> 00:06:07,408 Huh, weird that Allister/Carl 159 00:06:07,492 --> 00:06:09,035 works at the MeUndies resort now. 160 00:06:09,118 --> 00:06:11,746 Oh, no, that's Harrison and Graham. 161 00:06:11,829 --> 00:06:14,916 Ah, geez, okay, look, that's Isla Chafa, 162 00:06:14,999 --> 00:06:16,417 an uninhabited island 163 00:06:16,501 --> 00:06:18,294 where I've been dumping all my ex-boyfriends 164 00:06:18,378 --> 00:06:19,754 once they get too clingy. 165 00:06:19,837 --> 00:06:21,756 Damn, the staff all have sick rifles. 166 00:06:21,839 --> 00:06:23,174 Would you listen to me? 167 00:06:23,257 --> 00:06:24,384 Terry and Korvo have been kidnapped 168 00:06:24,467 --> 00:06:25,635 by my ex-boyfriends, 169 00:06:25,718 --> 00:06:27,678 and now I have to rescue their asses! 170 00:06:27,762 --> 00:06:30,348 And possibly confront my heartbreaker past! 171 00:06:30,431 --> 00:06:33,267 Ooh, that's a great excuse to crash their vacation. 172 00:06:33,351 --> 00:06:34,852 It's not a vacation. 173 00:06:34,936 --> 00:06:36,813 How FOMO blind are you? 174 00:06:36,896 --> 00:06:38,815 Please let me come with you. I deserve a treat! 175 00:06:38,898 --> 00:06:40,483 I haven't ruined someone's life in, like, 176 00:06:40,566 --> 00:06:41,776 10 hours. 177 00:06:41,859 --> 00:06:44,112 God, you are so stupid. Okay, fine. Let's go. 178 00:06:48,241 --> 00:06:50,451 There it is, Sandbox Town. 179 00:06:50,785 --> 00:06:53,204 You know, before they built it, it was just a sandbox. 180 00:06:53,287 --> 00:06:55,289 And before that, a place for cats to take a shit. 181 00:06:55,373 --> 00:06:57,750 One of the six wonders of the backyard! 182 00:07:06,968 --> 00:07:08,010 Where is everybody? 183 00:07:08,094 --> 00:07:09,470 I don't know. 184 00:07:09,554 --> 00:07:10,596 Keep your guard up. 185 00:07:23,317 --> 00:07:25,194 {\an8}Lift, lift, lift. 186 00:07:25,820 --> 00:07:27,738 {\an8}Lift, lift, lift. 187 00:07:28,489 --> 00:07:30,908 - Lift, lift, lift. - Wow, they really want that bottle. 188 00:07:30,992 --> 00:07:33,786 You got a lot of balls showing face in Sandbox Town, 189 00:07:33,870 --> 00:07:36,622 you roughly one-centimeter-tall piece of human garbage. 190 00:07:36,706 --> 00:07:38,416 Anthony! Look, I swear to God, 191 00:07:38,499 --> 00:07:40,251 I thought that paper plane could carry us. 192 00:07:42,462 --> 00:07:44,881 I'm just fuckin' with you, man! 193 00:07:45,506 --> 00:07:47,216 But now I'm not kidding. 194 00:07:48,384 --> 00:07:50,470 I was just kidding again. 195 00:07:50,553 --> 00:07:52,180 Comedy rule of twos, you know. 196 00:07:52,263 --> 00:07:54,098 Look how awesome my sword is. 197 00:07:54,182 --> 00:07:56,851 You totally thought I was gonna stab you, bro. 198 00:07:56,934 --> 00:07:59,228 Your face was like, "Oh! Don't stab me!" 199 00:07:59,312 --> 00:08:01,147 Good to see you, Anthony. 200 00:08:01,230 --> 00:08:02,773 Welcome to my town. 201 00:08:02,857 --> 00:08:04,442 It used to be the sandbox. 202 00:08:04,525 --> 00:08:05,818 Yeah, that's pretty clear. 203 00:08:05,902 --> 00:08:09,197 {\an8}Stop diggin', start vibin'. We have guests! 204 00:08:09,280 --> 00:08:11,032 {\an8} 205 00:08:18,498 --> 00:08:19,540 Ugh! 206 00:08:21,250 --> 00:08:22,835 We need to be careful 207 00:08:22,919 --> 00:08:25,004 to not run into any of my ex-boyfriends. 208 00:08:25,087 --> 00:08:26,797 They've been abandoned here for so long 209 00:08:26,881 --> 00:08:29,300 they've probably gone a little cuckoo. 210 00:08:29,383 --> 00:08:32,386 I just sent a selfie to Terry and Korvo. 211 00:08:32,470 --> 00:08:35,139 They're gonna be so pissed that I crashed their vacation. 212 00:08:35,223 --> 00:08:36,390 They've been kidnapped! 213 00:08:36,474 --> 00:08:37,642 You're the only one who isn't seeing 214 00:08:37,725 --> 00:08:38,935 what's happening here. 215 00:08:42,855 --> 00:08:44,649 Oh! That little Hanes-wearing shit 216 00:08:44,732 --> 00:08:46,025 is on our island! 217 00:08:46,108 --> 00:08:48,069 His FOMO is going to be wearing off by the second! 218 00:08:48,152 --> 00:08:49,362 Quick, order us room service! 219 00:08:49,445 --> 00:08:50,863 Can we get some food over here? 220 00:08:50,947 --> 00:08:53,074 Look at this picture of Terry and Korvo's resort food. 221 00:08:53,157 --> 00:08:55,159 They just got free moldy bread! 222 00:08:55,243 --> 00:08:57,828 I gotta figure out a way to make them as jealous as I am. 223 00:08:57,912 --> 00:08:59,038 Do you see any free snacks? 224 00:08:59,121 --> 00:09:00,414 Did you hear that? 225 00:09:00,498 --> 00:09:02,083 Wallet chain! 226 00:09:07,838 --> 00:09:10,132 It's Allister. Being outside of his mom's basement 227 00:09:10,216 --> 00:09:11,842 for this long must be making him crazy. 228 00:09:11,926 --> 00:09:13,344 We gotta get past him. 229 00:09:13,427 --> 00:09:15,471 Oh, Terry's sending smug selfies now. 230 00:09:17,723 --> 00:09:19,850 Shit, pentagram necklace! 231 00:09:22,603 --> 00:09:24,605 Hurry, that'll only distract him for a moment! 232 00:09:24,689 --> 00:09:25,940 Two can play at this game. 233 00:09:26,023 --> 00:09:29,819 Hashtag no filter. Hashtag Hanesboy. 234 00:09:30,903 --> 00:09:32,905 Silence your phone, dumbass, 235 00:09:32,989 --> 00:09:35,032 or you'll alert more feral boyfriends! 236 00:09:35,116 --> 00:09:37,410 Where do you think they do the vacation braids here? 237 00:09:37,493 --> 00:09:39,579 If Terry sees me with vacation braids, 238 00:09:39,662 --> 00:09:41,330 he's gonna dump gooblers. 239 00:09:41,414 --> 00:09:44,333 Oh, no, it's Graham, my VSCO ex-boyfriend, 240 00:09:44,417 --> 00:09:46,460 and Harrison, leader of the debate team. 241 00:09:46,544 --> 00:09:47,920 They've learned to hunt as a pack. 242 00:09:48,004 --> 00:09:49,714 We have to get out of here. 243 00:09:49,797 --> 00:09:51,090 Sksksksk. 244 00:09:51,173 --> 00:09:52,383 See, the affirmative starts 245 00:09:52,466 --> 00:09:54,260 and they have six minutes to make their case. 246 00:09:55,177 --> 00:09:57,221 - Grarrrrrr - Oh, no. Run! 247 00:10:03,519 --> 00:10:04,895 Come on, let's hide behind 248 00:10:04,979 --> 00:10:06,564 the stunningly beautiful waterfall. 249 00:10:06,647 --> 00:10:08,816 I bet Terry and Korvo haven't seen this. 250 00:10:10,901 --> 00:10:13,487 Oh, my God, Z'ash! You came to save me. 251 00:10:13,571 --> 00:10:15,114 You're the best boyfriend of all time. 252 00:10:15,197 --> 00:10:16,824 Game over, Jesse. 253 00:10:16,907 --> 00:10:18,826 Basketballs? I don't get it. 254 00:10:18,909 --> 00:10:20,328 Are those from NBA2K? 255 00:10:34,383 --> 00:10:36,385 The Pupa buried that bottle of Maker's Mark 256 00:10:36,469 --> 00:10:38,012 with Little Buddy last year. 257 00:10:38,095 --> 00:10:39,847 That guy was a real bad influence. 258 00:10:39,930 --> 00:10:42,016 You've really found a new life here, Tony. 259 00:10:42,099 --> 00:10:43,643 We're all just grains of sand, 260 00:10:43,726 --> 00:10:45,978 passing through fingers, tickling toes, 261 00:10:46,062 --> 00:10:48,814 a couple of grains getting stuck around the labia flaps. 262 00:10:48,898 --> 00:10:50,650 When you become one with the sand, 263 00:10:50,733 --> 00:10:52,401 you truly find yourself. 264 00:10:52,485 --> 00:10:53,653 So what are you gonna do 265 00:10:53,736 --> 00:10:55,363 with the bottle once you get it out? 266 00:10:55,446 --> 00:10:57,239 Nada. That's nothing in Mexican. 267 00:10:57,323 --> 00:10:59,325 That's a lot of work for nothin'. 268 00:10:59,408 --> 00:11:01,911 We've already removed the plastic shovels and candy wrappers. 269 00:11:01,994 --> 00:11:03,746 Once we get that bottle out, 270 00:11:03,829 --> 00:11:07,166 the sand will finally be at peace. 271 00:11:07,249 --> 00:11:09,543 Mm, this place is great. 272 00:11:10,002 --> 00:11:11,754 Plus, this food is amazing! 273 00:11:11,837 --> 00:11:14,965 Yeah, everyone seems a little too into it. 274 00:11:18,344 --> 00:11:20,388 Hey, something weird's going on around here, right? 275 00:11:20,471 --> 00:11:22,306 Yeah, usually hippies dive into 276 00:11:22,390 --> 00:11:24,350 an orgy way faster than this. 277 00:11:24,433 --> 00:11:25,643 They're harmless. 278 00:11:25,726 --> 00:11:26,936 So you love sand, huh? 279 00:11:27,019 --> 00:11:29,480 Oh, yeah. I-I could talk about it at length. 280 00:11:29,563 --> 00:11:30,898 Hmm, please do. 281 00:11:32,775 --> 00:11:34,360 Where are we? 282 00:11:34,443 --> 00:11:36,904 Look, boys, the princess is awake. 283 00:11:37,905 --> 00:11:39,740 Z'ash, I can't believe you would do this to me. 284 00:11:39,824 --> 00:11:42,243 I changed your diapers during your Destiny raids. 285 00:11:42,326 --> 00:11:44,245 Did Krota mean nothing to you? 286 00:11:44,328 --> 00:11:46,997 The eSports boyfriend that you knew as Z'ash 287 00:11:47,081 --> 00:11:48,249 was just a fiction, 288 00:11:48,332 --> 00:11:51,335 a ploy to distract you into complacency. 289 00:11:51,419 --> 00:11:54,630 In reality, I am, and have always been, 290 00:11:54,714 --> 00:11:56,298 Splash Mondoon, 291 00:11:56,382 --> 00:11:58,551 your regular sports boyfriend. 292 00:11:58,634 --> 00:12:01,429 I like basketball, hockey, and et cetera! 293 00:12:01,512 --> 00:12:03,514 No wonder you were so bad at Destiny 2. 294 00:12:03,597 --> 00:12:05,558 I planned all of this to get back at you 295 00:12:05,641 --> 00:12:08,519 for abandoning me and your dumb other exes on this cursed island. 296 00:12:08,602 --> 00:12:10,479 I used my rowing techniques to escape, 297 00:12:10,563 --> 00:12:13,065 then lured you here with my general sports charisma. 298 00:12:13,149 --> 00:12:16,193 Now you know how it feels to be trapped by a lover. 299 00:12:16,277 --> 00:12:18,529 Jesse, what the hell is happening here? 300 00:12:18,612 --> 00:12:21,157 Ugh! I already explained it and so did he. 301 00:12:21,240 --> 00:12:22,867 Yeah, but even half paying attention, 302 00:12:22,950 --> 00:12:25,578 why are these exes so heightened and specific? 303 00:12:25,661 --> 00:12:28,748 Because they aren't normal ex-boyfriends. 304 00:12:29,498 --> 00:12:31,208 At school, I was having a hard time 305 00:12:31,292 --> 00:12:32,793 finding my own identity. 306 00:12:32,877 --> 00:12:35,045 All the other girls in my class have distinct personalities, 307 00:12:35,129 --> 00:12:37,882 and I'm just a boring old space alien. 308 00:12:37,965 --> 00:12:39,842 So I used a device on the ship 309 00:12:39,925 --> 00:12:43,596 to 3D print flesh hunks coded with hyper-specific interests, 310 00:12:43,679 --> 00:12:46,223 then I dated them so I could adopt their personalities. 311 00:12:46,307 --> 00:12:47,725 But that didn't work, did it? 312 00:12:47,808 --> 00:12:49,268 No. I kept getting bored 313 00:12:49,351 --> 00:12:51,854 and ashamed of being such a poser with each guy, 314 00:12:51,937 --> 00:12:53,272 so instead of breaking up with them, 315 00:12:53,355 --> 00:12:54,648 I threw them away on this island 316 00:12:54,732 --> 00:12:56,275 and started from scratch. 317 00:12:56,358 --> 00:12:58,194 - Jesse. Oh, my God. - I know! 318 00:12:58,277 --> 00:13:00,446 I love 'em, leave 'em, and never retrieve 'em. 319 00:13:00,529 --> 00:13:02,948 Our cave is twice as big as Terry and Korvo's. 320 00:13:03,032 --> 00:13:04,200 That is so lit. 321 00:13:04,283 --> 00:13:06,243 Yum, your ADHD has gone from cute 322 00:13:06,327 --> 00:13:08,120 to troubling real quick. 323 00:13:08,204 --> 00:13:10,581 Well, I'm glad you can finally admit what you did, Jesse. 324 00:13:10,664 --> 00:13:12,750 It was cruel of you to use us and then lose us. 325 00:13:12,833 --> 00:13:14,543 I know and I'm sorry. 326 00:13:14,627 --> 00:13:16,003 Just let my family go, Splash. 327 00:13:16,086 --> 00:13:17,588 They don't deserve this. 328 00:13:17,671 --> 00:13:20,132 Uh, I'm gonna have to give you a red card on that one, chief. 329 00:13:20,216 --> 00:13:22,885 We're gonna leave you and your family to rot in this cave. 330 00:13:22,968 --> 00:13:24,303 And after that, we're going to move into your house 331 00:13:24,428 --> 00:13:26,305 so we can take a shit in a real bathroom. 332 00:13:26,388 --> 00:13:28,682 Yumyulack's room is bigger. 333 00:13:28,766 --> 00:13:30,810 That whiny little pussy must have gotten upgraded! 334 00:13:30,893 --> 00:13:33,437 Okay, sure. B-b-but does he have all these bats? Huh? 335 00:13:33,521 --> 00:13:34,647 Send him a picture of those. 336 00:13:39,819 --> 00:13:42,279 Hey, Gavin. Wake up, man. What's the deal? 337 00:13:42,363 --> 00:13:43,948 Yummy Eric Bana. 338 00:13:44,031 --> 00:13:45,866 I'm going to T-Bell, you want a new face? 339 00:13:45,950 --> 00:13:47,618 Are you stoned? 340 00:13:53,457 --> 00:13:54,792 Hmm. 341 00:14:11,433 --> 00:14:12,601 A-ha! I knew it. 342 00:14:12,685 --> 00:14:14,353 What're you doing here? 343 00:14:14,436 --> 00:14:16,063 You're using these mushrooms 344 00:14:16,146 --> 00:14:18,983 to drug your people into zonked-out hippies. 345 00:14:19,066 --> 00:14:20,985 What? No. These are shiitake. 346 00:14:21,068 --> 00:14:24,738 I know magic mushrooms grow in a shit-positive environment, 347 00:14:24,864 --> 00:14:26,866 that's why this hole smells like ass. 348 00:14:26,949 --> 00:14:28,617 Okay, fine, you're right. 349 00:14:28,701 --> 00:14:30,744 The backyard is a terrifying place to live 350 00:14:30,828 --> 00:14:34,206 and the psilocybin, it helps us become one with the sand. 351 00:14:34,290 --> 00:14:36,250 And also we have killer orgies. 352 00:14:36,333 --> 00:14:37,918 Bullshit! If it was all good, 353 00:14:38,002 --> 00:14:39,503 then you wouldn't be sneaking off. 354 00:14:39,587 --> 00:14:41,797 I'm gonna tell the truth and let your people decide 355 00:14:41,881 --> 00:14:43,924 if they like tripping balls all day. 356 00:14:44,008 --> 00:14:46,135 - Aah! - You like truth, huh? Fine. 357 00:14:46,218 --> 00:14:49,179 I need these people stoned so they keep digging. 358 00:14:49,263 --> 00:14:50,681 All this for sand? 359 00:14:50,764 --> 00:14:53,142 I don't care about the stupid sand. 360 00:14:53,225 --> 00:14:55,185 What I want is the bottle. 361 00:14:55,269 --> 00:14:56,770 When I get that whiskey, 362 00:14:56,854 --> 00:14:59,648 I'm going to corner the market on booze in the backyard. 363 00:14:59,732 --> 00:15:01,442 I'll be so rich with yard bucks, 364 00:15:01,525 --> 00:15:03,110 I can leave all these dummies behind 365 00:15:03,193 --> 00:15:04,486 and move to Basketballburgh 366 00:15:04,570 --> 00:15:06,363 where I can buy my way into the elite. 367 00:15:06,447 --> 00:15:08,782 So you're just gonna abandon these people? 368 00:15:08,866 --> 00:15:10,075 Of course, I am. 369 00:15:10,159 --> 00:15:11,577 Rich people can do whatever they want. 370 00:15:11,660 --> 00:15:13,412 Not if I tell them what you're up to. 371 00:15:13,495 --> 00:15:14,997 Uh, yeah, about that. 372 00:15:15,080 --> 00:15:16,749 Remember my awesome sword? 373 00:15:16,832 --> 00:15:17,833 I'm gonna kill you with it. 374 00:15:21,962 --> 00:15:23,631 You got shit in my eyes! 375 00:15:23,714 --> 00:15:26,133 Fuck! It's under my contact lens! 376 00:15:26,216 --> 00:15:29,303 Sorry, Yum. If I just had confidence in who I was, 377 00:15:29,386 --> 00:15:31,680 I wouldn't have had to make all those fake boyfriends 378 00:15:31,764 --> 00:15:33,307 and none of this would've happened. 379 00:15:33,390 --> 00:15:34,558 We almost have an ocean view. 380 00:15:34,642 --> 00:15:36,185 I don't need to get an identity 381 00:15:36,268 --> 00:15:37,728 from ship-printed boyfriends. 382 00:15:37,811 --> 00:15:39,063 I just have to be myself, 383 00:15:39,146 --> 00:15:41,023 and then the power of my true personality 384 00:15:41,106 --> 00:15:43,651 will overcome these boyfriends and they'll release me. 385 00:15:43,734 --> 00:15:45,110 Hey, Splash. 386 00:15:45,194 --> 00:15:46,278 What do you want? 387 00:15:46,362 --> 00:15:47,696 This is the real me. 388 00:15:47,780 --> 00:15:50,074 I like my family. I love to sleep in. 389 00:15:50,157 --> 00:15:52,785 Once I returned Cheetos Flaming Hot Wings from Applebee's 390 00:15:52,868 --> 00:15:54,370 and said it was 'cause they were cold, 391 00:15:54,453 --> 00:15:56,413 but I just regretted ordering them. 392 00:15:56,497 --> 00:15:58,165 That's the real Jesse. 393 00:15:58,248 --> 00:15:59,333 Now you know. 394 00:16:01,627 --> 00:16:04,171 Nice try. That was just a list of boring traits. 395 00:16:04,254 --> 00:16:06,507 Teenagers don't develop real personalities 396 00:16:06,590 --> 00:16:08,550 until they get in their 20s. 397 00:16:08,634 --> 00:16:11,720 Oh, no! So being myself didn't work? 398 00:16:11,804 --> 00:16:15,307 No, just like Wendy's fries, you're bland. 399 00:16:15,391 --> 00:16:17,476 We're gonna be trapped here until I'm 20? 400 00:16:17,559 --> 00:16:19,436 Will Hulu even exist then? 401 00:16:19,520 --> 00:16:21,563 Wait. Hey, Harrison, debate boyfriend. 402 00:16:21,647 --> 00:16:23,107 Yumyulack was just saying he wanted 403 00:16:23,190 --> 00:16:24,483 to use an ad hominem attack. 404 00:16:24,566 --> 00:16:26,110 What? No way, you-you can't do that. 405 00:16:26,819 --> 00:16:27,903 Ah! 406 00:16:31,198 --> 00:16:33,325 Wait, don't you wanna hear me establish my assertion 407 00:16:33,409 --> 00:16:34,827 with evidence and logic? 408 00:16:35,369 --> 00:16:37,538 Stop them! 409 00:16:43,752 --> 00:16:45,587 Gavin, we gotta go. 410 00:16:45,671 --> 00:16:48,507 Just disco fries, please. I hide the key in my armpit. 411 00:16:48,590 --> 00:16:50,009 Come on, big guy, wake up. 412 00:16:53,887 --> 00:16:56,098 You gotta sober up, man. Come on. 413 00:17:08,861 --> 00:17:10,029 Wh-where are we? 414 00:17:10,112 --> 00:17:11,822 I need you to get your head on straight. 415 00:17:11,905 --> 00:17:13,032 Anthony is-- 416 00:17:20,789 --> 00:17:21,999 What's going on? 417 00:17:22,082 --> 00:17:24,877 This bottle belongs to all the sand people. 418 00:17:24,960 --> 00:17:26,879 It could change their lives. 419 00:17:29,256 --> 00:17:32,134 With that thinking, you'll never survive in the backyard. 420 00:17:33,594 --> 00:17:35,804 Wow, that sword really is cool. 421 00:17:36,305 --> 00:17:38,432 - Where did you buy it? - Buy it? 422 00:17:38,515 --> 00:17:40,059 I made this by hand. 423 00:17:40,142 --> 00:17:43,395 Unlike you, I've had to scratch and claw my own way 424 00:17:43,479 --> 00:17:44,813 through this godforsaken yard. 425 00:17:44,897 --> 00:17:46,648 Wow, tell me more. 426 00:17:46,732 --> 00:17:49,318 I made it from the nail file part of some clippers, 427 00:17:49,401 --> 00:17:51,403 and the handle is a piece of sticker. 428 00:17:51,487 --> 00:17:53,989 I once heard that having something shiny 429 00:17:54,073 --> 00:17:56,658 in the backyard is a really bad idea. 430 00:17:59,912 --> 00:18:01,288 No, no. 431 00:18:27,439 --> 00:18:30,234 That's right. I control the sand. 432 00:18:34,655 --> 00:18:36,365 - Get out of there. - No. 433 00:18:36,448 --> 00:18:37,991 I've got this! 434 00:18:39,827 --> 00:18:42,329 I'm the master of the sand! 435 00:18:46,125 --> 00:18:47,251 Let's get the fuck out of here 436 00:18:47,334 --> 00:18:48,460 before he springs out of the sand. 437 00:18:48,544 --> 00:18:50,629 I have seen too many of those kind of movies. 438 00:18:57,010 --> 00:18:58,303 Hashtag cardio life. 439 00:18:58,387 --> 00:18:59,471 I'll never beat these boys 440 00:18:59,555 --> 00:19:01,223 without a real personality. 441 00:19:01,306 --> 00:19:03,433 I need life experience fast. 442 00:19:03,517 --> 00:19:04,726 Maybe I can date a vegan 443 00:19:04,810 --> 00:19:06,311 or travel to Belize for one month 444 00:19:06,395 --> 00:19:07,771 and make it my whole thing. 445 00:19:07,855 --> 00:19:09,606 But that's still so basic. 446 00:19:09,690 --> 00:19:11,900 Ah, great, now it's loading car ads first. 447 00:19:11,984 --> 00:19:14,111 Why does it do that? Just post already. 448 00:19:14,444 --> 00:19:16,446 Wait! Yumyulack, that's it. 449 00:19:16,530 --> 00:19:18,282 Uh, what the hell is going on? 450 00:19:18,365 --> 00:19:20,284 When did we end up on a cliff? What day is it? 451 00:19:21,201 --> 00:19:22,578 I'm gonna throw you off this mountain 452 00:19:22,661 --> 00:19:25,038 and kill your uncharismatic ass for good. 453 00:19:25,122 --> 00:19:28,083 I may be basic, but now I'm basic with this. 454 00:19:28,167 --> 00:19:29,293 You bought a car? 455 00:19:29,376 --> 00:19:30,752 That's the one thing that simulates 456 00:19:30,836 --> 00:19:32,963 an identity in teens! Yech. 457 00:19:33,046 --> 00:19:35,716 That's right. A 2009 Saturn Vue 458 00:19:35,799 --> 00:19:37,426 in clinical blue. 459 00:19:37,509 --> 00:19:39,636 My credit journey starts today. 460 00:19:39,720 --> 00:19:42,014 You have more personality than anyone in your grade. 461 00:19:42,097 --> 00:19:43,849 Why is this happening to me? 462 00:19:43,932 --> 00:19:46,935 The more interesting I get, the weaker you become. 463 00:19:47,019 --> 00:19:48,896 I'm gonna get a "coexist" bumper sticker 464 00:19:48,979 --> 00:19:51,398 and be a designated driver, bitch. 465 00:19:51,481 --> 00:19:53,567 Everyone will wanna hang out with me now. 466 00:20:04,411 --> 00:20:05,871 Ugh. 467 00:20:05,954 --> 00:20:07,331 How long is this going to take? 468 00:20:07,414 --> 00:20:08,874 We're starting to sober up. 469 00:20:08,957 --> 00:20:10,751 This will just take a minute, Stacis. 470 00:20:10,834 --> 00:20:12,628 And then we can go back to being popular. 471 00:20:12,711 --> 00:20:14,630 {\an8}Hit a whippet while I wrap up my shit. 472 00:20:14,713 --> 00:20:17,132 {\an8}Turn me up, queen. 473 00:20:18,467 --> 00:20:20,928 Come on, it's okay. You can do it. 474 00:20:22,512 --> 00:20:24,932 You'll be safe here. These are your people. 475 00:20:29,311 --> 00:20:30,938 Don't worry, I'm gonna get you all 476 00:20:31,021 --> 00:20:32,564 to your natural habitats. 477 00:20:32,648 --> 00:20:35,317 Because I have a car. 478 00:20:35,400 --> 00:20:37,569 Jesse rules! 479 00:20:37,653 --> 00:20:39,404 Let's get fucked up on hard seltzer 480 00:20:39,488 --> 00:20:41,073 and disappoint our stepdads. 481 00:20:41,156 --> 00:20:42,532 Whoo-hoo! 482 00:20:44,243 --> 00:20:45,410 Wow, what a day. 483 00:20:45,494 --> 00:20:47,913 We saved the boyfriends, confronted my past, 484 00:20:47,996 --> 00:20:49,748 and we even rescued Terry and Korvo. 485 00:20:49,831 --> 00:20:51,083 I can't believe they thought 486 00:20:51,166 --> 00:20:52,834 they were on a vacation the whole time. 487 00:20:52,918 --> 00:20:54,294 What a couple of dipshits. 488 00:20:54,378 --> 00:20:56,964 Wait a minute, did we rescue Terry and Korvo? 489 00:20:57,047 --> 00:20:59,049 Yeah, right? I thought we did. 490 00:20:59,132 --> 00:21:01,551 Didn't Terry make us those Skittles frittatas for brunch? 491 00:21:01,635 --> 00:21:02,678 I made those. 492 00:21:02,761 --> 00:21:03,929 Ah, geez. 493 00:21:04,680 --> 00:21:08,100 Oh, man. I've never felt this relaxed in my life. 494 00:21:08,183 --> 00:21:11,228 Best wellness retreat ever. 495 00:21:12,479 --> 00:21:14,147 Damn, Korv, you're so relaxed. 496 00:21:14,231 --> 00:21:17,276 Yum's gonna be so jealous... 497 00:21:20,988 --> 00:21:22,155 How are you feeling? 498 00:21:22,239 --> 00:21:23,615 Like shit. 499 00:21:24,491 --> 00:21:25,826 I'm glad you trusted your gut, 500 00:21:25,909 --> 00:21:28,370 or we'd be stoned and digging in sand right now. 501 00:21:28,453 --> 00:21:29,746 Huh. 502 00:21:29,830 --> 00:21:32,124 Maybe you do have what it takes to make it out here. 503 00:21:32,207 --> 00:21:33,667 I still have a lot to learn. 504 00:21:33,750 --> 00:21:35,544 Like, I can't believe that even after 505 00:21:35,627 --> 00:21:37,170 we told everyone about Anthony's plan, 506 00:21:37,254 --> 00:21:39,298 they still decided to keep doing mushrooms 507 00:21:39,381 --> 00:21:40,716 and worshiping the sand. 508 00:21:40,799 --> 00:21:42,551 Ah, I guess we all have 509 00:21:42,634 --> 00:21:44,344 to find some way to be happy. 510 00:21:49,224 --> 00:21:50,934 Tell me where they went. 511 00:21:51,018 --> 00:21:53,895 - I told you I don't know. - Just like the rest of 'em. 512 00:21:54,896 --> 00:21:56,481 You're no use to me.