1
00:00:01,001 --> 00:00:03,003
[♪ dramatic theme playing]
2
00:00:07,007 --> 00:00:08,383
{\an8}[school bell rings]
3
00:00:09,217 --> 00:00:10,510
Hey, come on, we gotta hurry
4
00:00:10,593 --> 00:00:12,012
or we'll miss the new Drew Barrymore Show.
5
00:00:12,095 --> 00:00:15,265
Drew's having a reunion
with the bicycle from E.T.
6
00:00:15,348 --> 00:00:17,350
The first time she did coke
was right off the seat.
7
00:00:17,434 --> 00:00:18,601
No can do, Yum.
8
00:00:18,685 --> 00:00:20,311
My new boyfriend's pro Call of Duty team
9
00:00:20,395 --> 00:00:23,064
has a match against the New Brunswick
Acid Lions today.
10
00:00:23,148 --> 00:00:24,649
I have to be here to show support.
11
00:00:24,733 --> 00:00:25,734
Ugh, you're such a bot.
12
00:00:25,817 --> 00:00:26,943
You're only into eSports
13
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because you're dating a Twitch Partner.
14
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Nah-uh. I liked Z'ash
when he was just an Affiliate.
15
00:00:31,364 --> 00:00:33,992
Plus, he's played all
the Horizon Zero Dawn DLC,
16
00:00:34,075 --> 00:00:35,994
so he knows how to respect women.
17
00:00:36,077 --> 00:00:38,121
Weren't you just dating
the debate captain?
18
00:00:38,204 --> 00:00:40,331
And before that, some emo douche?
19
00:00:40,415 --> 00:00:42,584
You're really tossing out
the boy toys, Jesse.
20
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You sure this isn't
about you and not them?
21
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[motor rumbling]
22
00:00:46,546 --> 00:00:47,589
'Sup, @Jesse?
23
00:00:47,672 --> 00:00:49,049
Z'ash has entered the chat.
24
00:00:49,132 --> 00:00:52,052
Ooh! I love how online you are in IRL.
25
00:00:52,135 --> 00:00:54,804
People come to the Oasis
for all the things they can do,
26
00:00:54,888 --> 00:00:57,098
but they stay for
all the things they can be.
27
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What does that even mean?
28
00:00:58,641 --> 00:01:01,478
Whisk me away on my gaming chair-iot!
29
00:01:01,561 --> 00:01:04,022
Let the hunt for
Halliday's Easter Eggs begin.
30
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Have fun going home in a chair
not ergonomically designed
31
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for extended subathons, loser!
32
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A better reality awaits!
33
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[Korvo] Planet Shlorp
was a perfect utopia,
34
00:01:15,742 --> 00:01:17,744
until the asteroid hit.
35
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One hundred adults and their replicants
were issued a Pupa
36
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and escaped into the... space,
37
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searching for new homes
on uninhabited worlds.
38
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We crashed on Earth,
39
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{\an8}stranding us on an already
overpopulated planet.
40
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{\an8}That's right, I've been talking
this whole time.
41
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{\an8}I'm the one holding the Pupa.
42
00:01:31,800 --> 00:01:33,510
{\an8}My name is Korvo. This is my show.
43
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{\an8}Bollocks, I just dropped the Pupa.
44
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{\an8}Ugh. This is ridiculous. I hate Earth.
45
00:01:36,846 --> 00:01:37,847
{\an8}It's a horrible home.
46
00:01:37,931 --> 00:01:39,516
{\an8}People are stupid and confusing.
47
00:01:39,599 --> 00:01:41,476
{\an8}Why are there so many types of nipples?
48
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{\an8}Just settle on one size
and shape of nipple
49
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{\an8}so I can pass my figure drawing class!
50
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[♪ dramatic music playing]
51
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Pupa.
52
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[JK Sevens beeps, dings]
53
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Ah.
54
00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:01,121
[JK Sevens beeping]
55
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[♪ dramatic music]
56
00:02:06,000 --> 00:02:07,168
Keep it up, old guy.
57
00:02:07,252 --> 00:02:08,586
Once we get all those yard bucks,
58
00:02:08,670 --> 00:02:09,963
I can pay off my debts
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00:02:10,046 --> 00:02:11,339
and maybe even have enough left over
60
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to buy a little homestead
by the tire swing
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00:02:13,883 --> 00:02:16,302
where Terry popped his eye out
trying to do a Jackass.
62
00:02:16,386 --> 00:02:17,470
[Hedgey squeaks]
63
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{\an8}[laughs] You got that right.
64
00:02:19,597 --> 00:02:20,598
{\an8}[sighs]
65
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Oh, hang on, I gotta take a leak.
66
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[unzips]
67
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[urinating]
68
00:02:24,602 --> 00:02:26,062
Awww, yeah.
69
00:02:26,646 --> 00:02:27,689
[Sofia sneezes]
70
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Shit, thought I cured that.
71
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[Sofia sneezes]
72
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- [Sofia screams]
- [grunts]
73
00:02:35,530 --> 00:02:37,198
What the fuck are you doin' here?
74
00:02:37,282 --> 00:02:39,576
{\an8}Honestly, I'm surprised you didn't notice
I was hiding in there.
75
00:02:39,659 --> 00:02:41,369
{\an8}The hedgehog saw me sneaking
a look a couple times.
76
00:02:41,452 --> 00:02:43,538
{\an8}- Oh, he did, did he?
- [squeaks]
77
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{\an8}Well, may as well sit upfront now.
78
00:02:45,707 --> 00:02:47,375
{\an8}Don't feel like you have
to fart less on my behalf.
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00:02:47,458 --> 00:02:49,085
{\an8}Whoa, whoa, you're not going anywhere.
80
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{\an8}You're going back to Gutterville.
81
00:02:50,628 --> 00:02:52,714
{\an8}And for your information,
that is not farting,
82
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{\an8}the cart seat makes that noise.
83
00:02:54,465 --> 00:02:57,343
You don't understand,
my Uncle Oscar was murdered.
84
00:02:57,427 --> 00:02:59,095
What are you talkin' about?
I just saw him.
85
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{\an8}This bounty hunter guy showed up
on a lizard and killed him.
86
00:03:02,765 --> 00:03:04,893
{\an8}If I go back, he'll get me too.
87
00:03:04,976 --> 00:03:06,603
{\an8}Crap, I think I know that guy.
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{\an8}Was the lizard kind of flopping around,
89
00:03:08,313 --> 00:03:09,564
like its bones were optional?
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00:03:09,647 --> 00:03:11,566
Yeah, [sniffs] super floppy.
91
00:03:11,649 --> 00:03:13,902
{\an8}- Oh, shit. That's Little Richard.
- The singer?
92
00:03:13,985 --> 00:03:16,112
{\an8}No, people call him that
because his name is Richard,
93
00:03:16,196 --> 00:03:18,072
{\an8}- and he's little now.
- But we're all little.
94
00:03:18,156 --> 00:03:19,991
{\an8}Look, I owe money all over the yard.
95
00:03:20,074 --> 00:03:21,826
{\an8}Someone must have hired to hunt me down.
96
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{\an8}Your uncle was collateral damage.
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[Sofia sobbing]
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[sighs]
99
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I'll deliver you to the little village
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{\an8}that formed in the raccoon skull.
101
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{\an8}It smells like dead raccoon,
but you'll be safe, okay?
102
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{\an8}I promise I won't slow you down.
103
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{\an8}You already have.
104
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{\an8}Luckily, I know a shortcut.
105
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[Gavin farts]
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[Sofia] Oh, it really is the seat!
107
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[Gavin] Nah, that one was me.
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[♪ gentle music playing]
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{\an8}Hey! Everyone pay attention to me!
110
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{\an8}I just got the greatest
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{\an8}fuckerfudgin' email of my life.
112
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{\an8}Don't tell me that Italian prince
needs more money.
113
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{\an8}I'm starting to think he'll never be king.
114
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{\an8}Korvo, you are never going
to believe this,
115
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{\an8}but we have finally become
MeUndies Power Bottoms!
116
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{\an8}Sound the ancient horn
and light the ancestral fires!
117
00:04:02,116 --> 00:04:04,077
{\an8}Today, we are the princes.
118
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{\an8}What's a Power Bottom?
119
00:04:05,411 --> 00:04:07,372
{\an8}It means we bought
so many pairs of MeUndies
120
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{\an8}that we've gained Ultra Diamond status!
121
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{\an8}We're the white meat turkey
of boxer brief subscribers!
122
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{\an8}Hold on to your milkers
123
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{\an8}'cause they're sending
MeUndies and YouUndies
124
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{\an8}on an all-expenses-paid trip
125
00:04:16,923 --> 00:04:19,509
{\an8}to their Balls Fresh Tropicool island!
126
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This is gonna be awesome!
127
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- [Korvo spits]
- [Terry and Korvo laugh]
128
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Oh, bitch, you're not going.
129
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Why can't this bitch go?
130
00:04:26,057 --> 00:04:28,768
Because you buy Hanes in a 20-pack plastic
sack like a freak!
131
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They don't even collab with Rihanna.
132
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Imagine a Hanes boy thinking he can go
133
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to the MeUndies Tropicool island.
134
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Come on, guys, I really wanna go.
135
00:04:35,733 --> 00:04:37,360
Yeah, that's the point of status.
136
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Rubbing it in is half the fun,
137
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which is why we'll be sending you pictures
138
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to make you jealous the whole time.
139
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Have fun with your FOMO, you little shit.
140
00:04:44,033 --> 00:04:45,743
[Terry and Korvo laughing]
141
00:04:45,827 --> 00:04:48,663
Pfft, like I care about
a stupid underpants island.
142
00:04:48,746 --> 00:04:49,831
[phone dings]
143
00:04:49,914 --> 00:04:51,749
Aw, man, I'm hella jealous,
144
00:04:51,833 --> 00:04:53,626
and they're not even out of the driveway!
145
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I just don't understand
146
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why you won't let me
come on the whole journey.
147
00:04:58,089 --> 00:05:00,425
I've always wanted to see
all of the backyard.
148
00:05:00,508 --> 00:05:01,926
Yard's a dangerous place.
149
00:05:02,010 --> 00:05:03,761
You've spent most
of your little life sheltered.
150
00:05:03,845 --> 00:05:05,221
Don't trick yourself into thinking
151
00:05:05,305 --> 00:05:06,723
that you know how to survive out here.
152
00:05:06,806 --> 00:05:08,641
Hey, buddy! I can take care of myself!
153
00:05:08,725 --> 00:05:09,809
[earring sparkles]
154
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- [gasps]
- [both grunt]
155
00:05:11,894 --> 00:05:14,022
- Get those things off your head!
- Why did you do that?
156
00:05:14,105 --> 00:05:16,316
- Your earrings! Get rid of 'em!
- No!
157
00:05:16,399 --> 00:05:18,735
- [Hedgey squeaks]
- Lawn hasn't been watered in weeks.
158
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- The animals are gettin' desperate.
- So?
159
00:05:20,737 --> 00:05:22,989
So a hungry squirrel's attracted
to shiny things.
160
00:05:23,072 --> 00:05:24,532
Like those fuckin' earrings.
161
00:05:24,615 --> 00:05:27,035
Okay, well, I didn't know that.
162
00:05:27,118 --> 00:05:28,578
That's what I meant by sheltered.
163
00:05:28,661 --> 00:05:30,079
I'm a quick study.
164
00:05:30,163 --> 00:05:32,540
I only had to watch,
like, six YouTube tutorials
165
00:05:32,623 --> 00:05:34,042
- to master a cat eye.
- Yeah, well,
166
00:05:34,125 --> 00:05:36,085
just try not to get us killed by a cat.
167
00:05:36,169 --> 00:05:38,254
[Sofia] [grumbling]
That doesn't even make sense.
168
00:05:38,880 --> 00:05:40,465
[squirrel chittering]
169
00:05:40,548 --> 00:05:43,384
Vacuum. Vacuum ghosts. Vacuum ghosts.
170
00:05:43,468 --> 00:05:44,886
Wow, look at Z'ash go.
171
00:05:44,969 --> 00:05:47,722
He's like the Michael Jordan
of Luigi's Mansion!
172
00:05:47,805 --> 00:05:50,475
Terry and Korvo won't stop
sending me pictures
173
00:05:50,558 --> 00:05:52,143
from their stupid awesome vacation.
174
00:05:52,226 --> 00:05:54,520
Look at their room.
It's built into a cave,
175
00:05:54,604 --> 00:05:56,439
and they have their own goth butler.
176
00:05:56,522 --> 00:05:58,358
Why did I have to wear
the wrong underwear?
177
00:05:58,441 --> 00:06:01,486
Oh, my God, that's my goth
ex-boyfriend Allister.
178
00:06:01,569 --> 00:06:03,112
His real name is Carl, but he changed it
179
00:06:03,196 --> 00:06:05,615
to better reflect the
dark nature of his outfits.
180
00:06:05,698 --> 00:06:07,408
Huh, weird that Allister/Carl
181
00:06:07,492 --> 00:06:09,035
works at the MeUndies resort now.
182
00:06:09,118 --> 00:06:11,746
Oh, no, that's Harrison and Graham.
183
00:06:11,829 --> 00:06:14,916
Ah, geez, okay, look, that's Isla Chafa,
184
00:06:14,999 --> 00:06:16,417
an uninhabited island
185
00:06:16,501 --> 00:06:18,294
where I've been dumping
all my ex-boyfriends
186
00:06:18,378 --> 00:06:19,754
once they get too clingy.
187
00:06:19,837 --> 00:06:21,756
Damn, the staff all have sick rifles.
188
00:06:21,839 --> 00:06:23,174
Would you listen to me?
189
00:06:23,257 --> 00:06:24,384
Terry and Korvo have been kidnapped
190
00:06:24,467 --> 00:06:25,635
by my ex-boyfriends,
191
00:06:25,718 --> 00:06:27,678
and now I have to rescue their asses!
192
00:06:27,762 --> 00:06:30,348
And possibly confront
my heartbreaker past!
193
00:06:30,431 --> 00:06:33,267
Ooh, that's a great excuse
to crash their vacation.
194
00:06:33,351 --> 00:06:34,852
It's not a vacation.
195
00:06:34,936 --> 00:06:36,813
How FOMO blind are you?
196
00:06:36,896 --> 00:06:38,815
Please let me come with you.
I deserve a treat!
197
00:06:38,898 --> 00:06:40,483
I haven't ruined someone's life in, like,
198
00:06:40,566 --> 00:06:41,776
10 hours.
199
00:06:41,859 --> 00:06:44,112
God, you are so stupid.
Okay, fine. Let's go.
200
00:06:44,779 --> 00:06:47,490
[cart rattling]
201
00:06:48,241 --> 00:06:50,451
There it is, Sandbox Town.
202
00:06:50,785 --> 00:06:53,204
You know, before they built it,
it was just a sandbox.
203
00:06:53,287 --> 00:06:55,289
And before that,
a place for cats to take a shit.
204
00:06:55,373 --> 00:06:57,750
[Sofia] One of the six wonders
of the backyard!
205
00:06:57,834 --> 00:07:00,711
[♪ mellow Western music]
206
00:07:06,968 --> 00:07:08,010
Where is everybody?
207
00:07:08,094 --> 00:07:09,470
I don't know.
208
00:07:09,554 --> 00:07:10,596
Keep your guard up.
209
00:07:16,102 --> 00:07:19,105
[creaking]
210
00:07:23,317 --> 00:07:25,194
{\an8}[all] Lift, lift, lift.
211
00:07:25,820 --> 00:07:27,738
{\an8}[all] Lift, lift, lift.
212
00:07:28,489 --> 00:07:30,908
- Lift, lift, lift.
- Wow, they really want that bottle.
213
00:07:30,992 --> 00:07:33,786
You got a lot of balls
showing face in Sandbox Town,
214
00:07:33,870 --> 00:07:36,622
you roughly one-centimeter-tall
piece of human garbage.
215
00:07:36,706 --> 00:07:38,416
Anthony! Look, I swear to God,
216
00:07:38,499 --> 00:07:40,251
I thought that paper plane could carry us.
217
00:07:42,462 --> 00:07:44,881
I'm just fuckin' with you, man!
218
00:07:45,506 --> 00:07:47,216
But now I'm not kidding.
219
00:07:48,384 --> 00:07:50,470
[laughs] I was just kidding again.
220
00:07:50,553 --> 00:07:52,180
Comedy rule of twos, you know.
221
00:07:52,263 --> 00:07:54,098
Look how awesome my sword is.
222
00:07:54,182 --> 00:07:56,851
You totally thought
I was gonna stab you, bro.
223
00:07:56,934 --> 00:07:59,228
Your face was like, "Oh! Don't stab me!"
224
00:07:59,312 --> 00:08:01,147
[chuckles nervously]
Good to see you, Anthony.
225
00:08:01,230 --> 00:08:02,773
Welcome to my town.
226
00:08:02,857 --> 00:08:04,442
It used to be the sandbox.
227
00:08:04,525 --> 00:08:05,818
Yeah, that's pretty clear.
228
00:08:05,902 --> 00:08:09,197
{\an8}Stop diggin', start vibin'.
We have guests!
229
00:08:09,280 --> 00:08:11,032
{\an8}[crowd cheering]
230
00:08:12,492 --> 00:08:15,244
[camera clicking]
231
00:08:18,498 --> 00:08:19,540
Ugh!
232
00:08:21,250 --> 00:08:22,835
We need to be careful
233
00:08:22,919 --> 00:08:25,004
to not run into any of my ex-boyfriends.
234
00:08:25,087 --> 00:08:26,797
They've been abandoned here for so long
235
00:08:26,881 --> 00:08:29,300
they've probably gone a little cuckoo.
236
00:08:29,383 --> 00:08:32,386
[laughing] I just sent a selfie
to Terry and Korvo.
237
00:08:32,470 --> 00:08:35,139
They're gonna be so pissed
that I crashed their vacation.
238
00:08:35,223 --> 00:08:36,390
They've been kidnapped!
239
00:08:36,474 --> 00:08:37,642
You're the only one who isn't seeing
240
00:08:37,725 --> 00:08:38,935
what's happening here.
241
00:08:39,018 --> 00:08:40,853
[growling softly]
242
00:08:41,646 --> 00:08:42,772
[phone dings]
243
00:08:42,855 --> 00:08:44,649
Oh! That little Hanes-wearing shit
244
00:08:44,732 --> 00:08:46,025
is on our island!
245
00:08:46,108 --> 00:08:48,069
His FOMO is going to be
wearing off by the second!
246
00:08:48,152 --> 00:08:49,362
Quick, order us room service!
247
00:08:49,445 --> 00:08:50,863
Can we get some food over here?
248
00:08:50,947 --> 00:08:53,074
Look at this picture of
Terry and Korvo's resort food.
249
00:08:53,157 --> 00:08:55,159
They just got free moldy bread!
250
00:08:55,243 --> 00:08:57,828
I gotta figure out a way
to make them as jealous as I am.
251
00:08:57,912 --> 00:08:59,038
Do you see any free snacks?
252
00:08:59,121 --> 00:09:00,414
Did you hear that?
253
00:09:00,498 --> 00:09:02,083
- [chain clinking]
- Wallet chain!
254
00:09:02,833 --> 00:09:04,627
[Allister groaning]
255
00:09:07,838 --> 00:09:10,132
It's Allister. Being outside
of his mom's basement
256
00:09:10,216 --> 00:09:11,842
for this long must be making him crazy.
257
00:09:11,926 --> 00:09:13,344
We gotta get past him.
258
00:09:13,427 --> 00:09:15,471
- [phone dings]
- Oh, Terry's sending smug selfies now.
259
00:09:15,555 --> 00:09:16,847
[Allister growls]
260
00:09:17,723 --> 00:09:19,850
Shit, pentagram necklace!
261
00:09:19,934 --> 00:09:21,477
[Allister growls]
262
00:09:22,603 --> 00:09:24,605
Hurry, that'll only
distract him for a moment!
263
00:09:24,689 --> 00:09:25,940
Two can play at this game.
264
00:09:26,023 --> 00:09:29,819
Hashtag no filter. Hashtag Hanesboy.
265
00:09:30,903 --> 00:09:32,905
- [phone dings]
- Silence your phone, dumbass,
266
00:09:32,989 --> 00:09:35,032
or you'll alert more feral boyfriends!
267
00:09:35,116 --> 00:09:37,410
Where do you think they do
the vacation braids here?
268
00:09:37,493 --> 00:09:39,579
If Terry sees me with vacation braids,
269
00:09:39,662 --> 00:09:41,330
he's gonna dump gooblers.
270
00:09:41,414 --> 00:09:44,333
Oh, no, it's Graham, my VSCO ex-boyfriend,
271
00:09:44,417 --> 00:09:46,460
and Harrison, leader of the debate team.
272
00:09:46,544 --> 00:09:47,920
They've learned to hunt as a pack.
273
00:09:48,004 --> 00:09:49,714
We have to get out of here.
274
00:09:49,797 --> 00:09:51,090
Sksksksk.
275
00:09:51,173 --> 00:09:52,383
See, the affirmative starts
276
00:09:52,466 --> 00:09:54,260
and they have six minutes
to make their case.
277
00:09:55,177 --> 00:09:57,221
- Grarrrrrr
- Oh, no. Run!
278
00:09:57,722 --> 00:09:59,890
[Jesse and Yumyulack panting]
279
00:09:59,974 --> 00:10:01,434
- [Jesse grunts]
- [both screaming]
280
00:10:03,519 --> 00:10:04,895
[Jesse] Come on, let's hide behind
281
00:10:04,979 --> 00:10:06,564
the stunningly beautiful waterfall.
282
00:10:06,647 --> 00:10:08,816
I bet Terry and Korvo haven't seen this.
283
00:10:10,901 --> 00:10:13,487
Oh, my God, Z'ash! You came to save me.
284
00:10:13,571 --> 00:10:15,114
You're the best boyfriend of all time.
285
00:10:15,197 --> 00:10:16,824
Game over, Jesse.
286
00:10:16,907 --> 00:10:18,826
Basketballs? I don't get it.
287
00:10:18,909 --> 00:10:20,328
Are those from NBA2K?
288
00:10:20,411 --> 00:10:21,495
- [Jesse groans]
- [Yumyulack yelps]
289
00:10:25,416 --> 00:10:28,252
[♪ exotic music playing]
290
00:10:28,336 --> 00:10:31,088
♪
291
00:10:34,383 --> 00:10:36,385
The Pupa buried
that bottle of Maker's Mark
292
00:10:36,469 --> 00:10:38,012
with Little Buddy last year.
293
00:10:38,095 --> 00:10:39,847
That guy was a real bad influence.
294
00:10:39,930 --> 00:10:42,016
You've really found a new life here, Tony.
295
00:10:42,099 --> 00:10:43,643
We're all just grains of sand,
296
00:10:43,726 --> 00:10:45,978
passing through fingers, tickling toes,
297
00:10:46,062 --> 00:10:48,814
a couple of grains getting stuck
around the labia flaps.
298
00:10:48,898 --> 00:10:50,650
When you become one with the sand,
299
00:10:50,733 --> 00:10:52,401
you truly find yourself.
300
00:10:52,485 --> 00:10:53,653
So what are you gonna do
301
00:10:53,736 --> 00:10:55,363
with the bottle once you get it out?
302
00:10:55,446 --> 00:10:57,239
Nada. That's nothing in Mexican.
303
00:10:57,323 --> 00:10:59,325
[laughs] That's a lot of work for nothin'.
304
00:10:59,408 --> 00:11:01,911
We've already removed the plastic shovels
and candy wrappers.
305
00:11:01,994 --> 00:11:03,746
Once we get that bottle out,
306
00:11:03,829 --> 00:11:07,166
the sand will finally be at peace.
307
00:11:07,249 --> 00:11:09,543
Mm, this place is great.
308
00:11:10,002 --> 00:11:11,754
Plus, this food is amazing!
309
00:11:11,837 --> 00:11:14,965
Yeah, everyone seems a little too into it.
310
00:11:16,384 --> 00:11:18,260
[rapturous groaning]
311
00:11:18,344 --> 00:11:20,388
Hey, something weird's
going on around here, right?
312
00:11:20,471 --> 00:11:22,306
Yeah, usually hippies dive into
313
00:11:22,390 --> 00:11:24,350
an orgy way faster than this.
314
00:11:24,433 --> 00:11:25,643
They're harmless.
315
00:11:25,726 --> 00:11:26,936
So you love sand, huh?
316
00:11:27,019 --> 00:11:29,480
Oh, yeah. I-I could talk
about it at length.
317
00:11:29,563 --> 00:11:30,898
[Gavin] Hmm, please do.
318
00:11:32,775 --> 00:11:34,360
[moans] Where are we?
319
00:11:34,443 --> 00:11:36,904
Look, boys, the princess is awake.
320
00:11:37,905 --> 00:11:39,740
Z'ash, I can't believe
you would do this to me.
321
00:11:39,824 --> 00:11:42,243
I changed your diapers
during your Destiny raids.
322
00:11:42,326 --> 00:11:44,245
Did Krota mean nothing to you?
323
00:11:44,328 --> 00:11:46,997
The eSports boyfriend
that you knew as Z'ash
324
00:11:47,081 --> 00:11:48,249
was just a fiction,
325
00:11:48,332 --> 00:11:51,335
a ploy to distract you into complacency.
326
00:11:51,419 --> 00:11:54,630
In reality, I am, and have always been,
327
00:11:54,714 --> 00:11:56,298
Splash Mondoon,
328
00:11:56,382 --> 00:11:58,551
your regular sports boyfriend.
329
00:11:58,634 --> 00:12:01,429
I like basketball, hockey, and et cetera!
330
00:12:01,512 --> 00:12:03,514
No wonder you were so bad at Destiny 2.
331
00:12:03,597 --> 00:12:05,558
I planned all of this to get back at you
332
00:12:05,641 --> 00:12:08,519
for abandoning me and your dumb other exes
on this cursed island.
333
00:12:08,602 --> 00:12:10,479
I used my rowing techniques to escape,
334
00:12:10,563 --> 00:12:13,065
then lured you here
with my general sports charisma.
335
00:12:13,149 --> 00:12:16,193
Now you know how it feels
to be trapped by a lover.
336
00:12:16,277 --> 00:12:18,529
Jesse, what the hell is happening here?
337
00:12:18,612 --> 00:12:21,157
Ugh! I already explained it and so did he.
338
00:12:21,240 --> 00:12:22,867
Yeah, but even half paying attention,
339
00:12:22,950 --> 00:12:25,578
why are these exes
so heightened and specific?
340
00:12:25,661 --> 00:12:28,748
Because they aren't normal ex-boyfriends.
341
00:12:29,498 --> 00:12:31,208
At school, I was having a hard time
342
00:12:31,292 --> 00:12:32,793
finding my own identity.
343
00:12:32,877 --> 00:12:35,045
All the other girls in my class
have distinct personalities,
344
00:12:35,129 --> 00:12:37,882
and I'm just a boring old space alien.
345
00:12:37,965 --> 00:12:39,842
So I used a device on the ship
346
00:12:39,925 --> 00:12:43,596
to 3D print flesh hunks coded
with hyper-specific interests,
347
00:12:43,679 --> 00:12:46,223
then I dated them so I could adopt
their personalities.
348
00:12:46,307 --> 00:12:47,725
[Splash] But that didn't work, did it?
349
00:12:47,808 --> 00:12:49,268
[Jesse] No. I kept getting bored
350
00:12:49,351 --> 00:12:51,854
and ashamed of being
such a poser with each guy,
351
00:12:51,937 --> 00:12:53,272
so instead of breaking up with them,
352
00:12:53,355 --> 00:12:54,648
I threw them away on this island
353
00:12:54,732 --> 00:12:56,275
and started from scratch.
354
00:12:56,358 --> 00:12:58,194
- [Yumyulack] Jesse. Oh, my God.
- I know!
355
00:12:58,277 --> 00:13:00,446
I love 'em, leave 'em,
and never retrieve 'em.
356
00:13:00,529 --> 00:13:02,948
Our cave is twice as big
as Terry and Korvo's.
357
00:13:03,032 --> 00:13:04,200
That is so lit.
358
00:13:04,283 --> 00:13:06,243
Yum, your ADHD has gone from cute
359
00:13:06,327 --> 00:13:08,120
to troubling real quick.
360
00:13:08,204 --> 00:13:10,581
Well, I'm glad you can finally
admit what you did, Jesse.
361
00:13:10,664 --> 00:13:12,750
It was cruel of you to use us
and then lose us.
362
00:13:12,833 --> 00:13:14,543
I know and I'm sorry.
363
00:13:14,627 --> 00:13:16,003
Just let my family go, Splash.
364
00:13:16,086 --> 00:13:17,588
They don't deserve this.
365
00:13:17,671 --> 00:13:20,132
Uh, I'm gonna have to give you
a red card on that one, chief.
366
00:13:20,216 --> 00:13:22,885
We're gonna leave you and your family
to rot in this cave.
367
00:13:22,968 --> 00:13:24,303
And after that, we're going
to move into your house
368
00:13:24,428 --> 00:13:26,305
so we can take a shit in a real bathroom.
369
00:13:26,388 --> 00:13:28,682
- [phone beeps]
- Yumyulack's room is bigger.
370
00:13:28,766 --> 00:13:30,810
That whiny little pussy
must have gotten upgraded!
371
00:13:30,893 --> 00:13:33,437
Okay, sure. B-b-but does he have
all these bats? Huh?
372
00:13:33,521 --> 00:13:34,647
Send him a picture of those.
373
00:13:34,730 --> 00:13:36,816
[bats squealing]
374
00:13:39,819 --> 00:13:42,279
Hey, Gavin. Wake up, man. What's the deal?
375
00:13:42,363 --> 00:13:43,948
[mumbling] Yummy Eric Bana.
376
00:13:44,031 --> 00:13:45,866
I'm going to T-Bell, you want a new face?
377
00:13:45,950 --> 00:13:47,618
Are you stoned?
378
00:13:53,457 --> 00:13:54,792
Hmm.
379
00:13:55,292 --> 00:13:59,588
♪
380
00:14:05,344 --> 00:14:07,137
[gags, gasps]
381
00:14:11,433 --> 00:14:12,601
A-ha! I knew it.
382
00:14:12,685 --> 00:14:14,353
[Anthony] [gasps] What're you doing here?
383
00:14:14,436 --> 00:14:16,063
You're using these mushrooms
384
00:14:16,146 --> 00:14:18,983
to drug your people
into zonked-out hippies.
385
00:14:19,066 --> 00:14:20,985
What? No. These are shiitake.
386
00:14:21,068 --> 00:14:24,738
I know magic mushrooms grow
in a shit-positive environment,
387
00:14:24,864 --> 00:14:26,866
that's why this hole smells like ass.
388
00:14:26,949 --> 00:14:28,617
Okay, fine, you're right.
389
00:14:28,701 --> 00:14:30,744
The backyard is a terrifying place to live
390
00:14:30,828 --> 00:14:34,206
and the psilocybin, it helps us become
one with the sand.
391
00:14:34,290 --> 00:14:36,250
And also we have killer orgies.
392
00:14:36,333 --> 00:14:37,918
Bullshit! If it was all good,
393
00:14:38,002 --> 00:14:39,503
then you wouldn't be sneaking off.
394
00:14:39,587 --> 00:14:41,797
I'm gonna tell the truth
and let your people decide
395
00:14:41,881 --> 00:14:43,924
if they like tripping balls all day.
396
00:14:44,008 --> 00:14:46,135
- Aah!
- You like truth, huh? Fine.
397
00:14:46,218 --> 00:14:49,179
I need these people stoned
so they keep digging.
398
00:14:49,263 --> 00:14:50,681
All this for sand?
399
00:14:50,764 --> 00:14:53,142
I don't care about the stupid sand.
400
00:14:53,225 --> 00:14:55,185
What I want is the bottle.
401
00:14:55,269 --> 00:14:56,770
When I get that whiskey,
402
00:14:56,854 --> 00:14:59,648
I'm going to corner the market
on booze in the backyard.
403
00:14:59,732 --> 00:15:01,442
I'll be so rich with yard bucks,
404
00:15:01,525 --> 00:15:03,110
I can leave all these dummies behind
405
00:15:03,193 --> 00:15:04,486
and move to Basketballburgh
406
00:15:04,570 --> 00:15:06,363
where I can buy my way into the elite.
407
00:15:06,447 --> 00:15:08,782
So you're just gonna abandon these people?
408
00:15:08,866 --> 00:15:10,075
Of course, I am.
409
00:15:10,159 --> 00:15:11,577
Rich people can do whatever they want.
410
00:15:11,660 --> 00:15:13,412
Not if I tell them what you're up to.
411
00:15:13,495 --> 00:15:14,997
Uh, yeah, about that.
412
00:15:15,080 --> 00:15:16,749
Remember my awesome sword?
413
00:15:16,832 --> 00:15:17,833
I'm gonna kill you with it.
414
00:15:17,917 --> 00:15:19,668
- [sword swishes]
- [Sofia yelps]
415
00:15:21,962 --> 00:15:23,631
You got shit in my eyes!
416
00:15:23,714 --> 00:15:26,133
Fuck! It's under my contact lens!
417
00:15:26,216 --> 00:15:29,303
Sorry, Yum. If I just had
confidence in who I was,
418
00:15:29,386 --> 00:15:31,680
I wouldn't have had to make
all those fake boyfriends
419
00:15:31,764 --> 00:15:33,307
and none of this would've happened.
420
00:15:33,390 --> 00:15:34,558
We almost have an ocean view.
421
00:15:34,642 --> 00:15:36,185
I don't need to get an identity
422
00:15:36,268 --> 00:15:37,728
from ship-printed boyfriends.
423
00:15:37,811 --> 00:15:39,063
I just have to be myself,
424
00:15:39,146 --> 00:15:41,023
and then the power of my true personality
425
00:15:41,106 --> 00:15:43,651
will overcome these boyfriends
and they'll release me.
426
00:15:43,734 --> 00:15:45,110
Hey, Splash.
427
00:15:45,194 --> 00:15:46,278
- What do you want?
- [Allister groans]
428
00:15:46,362 --> 00:15:47,696
This is the real me.
429
00:15:47,780 --> 00:15:50,074
I like my family. I love to sleep in.
430
00:15:50,157 --> 00:15:52,785
Once I returned Cheetos Flaming Hot Wings
from Applebee's
431
00:15:52,868 --> 00:15:54,370
and said it was 'cause they were cold,
432
00:15:54,453 --> 00:15:56,413
but I just regretted ordering them.
433
00:15:56,497 --> 00:15:58,165
That's the real Jesse.
434
00:15:58,248 --> 00:15:59,333
Now you know.
435
00:15:59,917 --> 00:16:01,543
[laughs]
436
00:16:01,627 --> 00:16:04,171
Nice try. That was just
a list of boring traits.
437
00:16:04,254 --> 00:16:06,507
Teenagers don't develop real personalities
438
00:16:06,590 --> 00:16:08,550
until they get in their 20s.
439
00:16:08,634 --> 00:16:11,720
Oh, no! So being myself didn't work?
440
00:16:11,804 --> 00:16:15,307
No, just like Wendy's fries, you're bland.
441
00:16:15,391 --> 00:16:17,476
We're gonna be trapped here until I'm 20?
442
00:16:17,559 --> 00:16:19,436
Will Hulu even exist then?
443
00:16:19,520 --> 00:16:21,563
Wait. Hey, Harrison, debate boyfriend.
444
00:16:21,647 --> 00:16:23,107
Yumyulack was just saying he wanted
445
00:16:23,190 --> 00:16:24,483
to use an ad hominem attack.
446
00:16:24,566 --> 00:16:26,110
What? No way, you-you can't do that.
447
00:16:26,819 --> 00:16:27,903
Ah! [groans]
448
00:16:29,655 --> 00:16:31,115
[Jesse and Yumyulack panting]
449
00:16:31,198 --> 00:16:33,325
Wait, don't you wanna hear me
establish my assertion
450
00:16:33,409 --> 00:16:34,827
with evidence and logic?
451
00:16:35,369 --> 00:16:37,538
- Stop them!
- [blowing whistle]
452
00:16:37,621 --> 00:16:39,581
[Jesse screaming]
453
00:16:43,752 --> 00:16:45,587
Gavin, we gotta go.
454
00:16:45,671 --> 00:16:48,507
Just disco fries, please.
I hide the key in my armpit.
455
00:16:48,590 --> 00:16:50,009
Come on, big guy, wake up.
456
00:16:50,092 --> 00:16:51,218
[Gavin groaning]
457
00:16:51,301 --> 00:16:53,804
[♪ intense music]
458
00:16:53,887 --> 00:16:56,098
You gotta sober up, man. Come on.
459
00:17:08,861 --> 00:17:10,029
Wh-where are we?
460
00:17:10,112 --> 00:17:11,822
I need you to get your head on straight.
461
00:17:11,905 --> 00:17:13,032
- Anthony is--
- [Anthony grunts]
462
00:17:13,115 --> 00:17:14,950
[Anthony and Sofia scream]
463
00:17:15,034 --> 00:17:16,118
[Sofia groans]
464
00:17:16,952 --> 00:17:20,497
[both grunting]
465
00:17:20,789 --> 00:17:21,999
What's going on?
466
00:17:22,082 --> 00:17:24,877
This bottle belongs
to all the sand people.
467
00:17:24,960 --> 00:17:26,879
It could change their lives.
468
00:17:29,256 --> 00:17:32,134
With that thinking, you'll never survive
in the backyard.
469
00:17:32,217 --> 00:17:33,510
- [sword sparkles]
- [squirrel growling]
470
00:17:33,594 --> 00:17:35,804
Wow, that sword really is cool.
471
00:17:36,305 --> 00:17:38,432
- Where did you buy it?
- Buy it? [scoffs]
472
00:17:38,515 --> 00:17:40,059
I made this by hand.
473
00:17:40,142 --> 00:17:43,395
Unlike you, I've had to scratch
and claw my own way
474
00:17:43,479 --> 00:17:44,813
through this godforsaken yard.
475
00:17:44,897 --> 00:17:46,648
Wow, tell me more.
476
00:17:46,732 --> 00:17:49,318
I made it from the nail file part
of some clippers,
477
00:17:49,401 --> 00:17:51,403
and the handle is a piece of sticker.
478
00:17:51,487 --> 00:17:53,989
I once heard that having something shiny
479
00:17:54,073 --> 00:17:56,658
in the backyard is a really bad idea.
480
00:17:57,201 --> 00:17:58,285
- [squirrel screeching]
- [gasps]
481
00:17:59,912 --> 00:18:01,288
No, no. [yells]
482
00:18:01,872 --> 00:18:03,248
[growling]
483
00:18:05,417 --> 00:18:08,504
[♪ dramatic music]
484
00:18:08,587 --> 00:18:09,838
[sword swishing]
485
00:18:14,176 --> 00:18:15,344
[rumbling]
486
00:18:18,388 --> 00:18:19,515
[thud]
487
00:18:19,932 --> 00:18:21,350
[screeches]
488
00:18:22,643 --> 00:18:24,186
[roars]
489
00:18:24,269 --> 00:18:27,356
[Anthony laughing]
490
00:18:27,439 --> 00:18:30,234
That's right. I control the sand.
491
00:18:30,317 --> 00:18:31,443
[wood creaking]
492
00:18:34,655 --> 00:18:36,365
- Get out of there.
- No.
493
00:18:36,448 --> 00:18:37,991
I've got this!
494
00:18:39,827 --> 00:18:42,329
I'm the master of the sand!
495
00:18:42,412 --> 00:18:43,914
[screaming]
496
00:18:46,125 --> 00:18:47,251
Let's get the fuck out of here
497
00:18:47,334 --> 00:18:48,460
before he springs out of the sand.
498
00:18:48,544 --> 00:18:50,629
I have seen too many
of those kind of movies.
499
00:18:50,712 --> 00:18:53,006
[all grunting]
500
00:18:53,090 --> 00:18:55,300
♪
501
00:18:57,010 --> 00:18:58,303
Hashtag cardio life.
502
00:18:58,387 --> 00:18:59,471
I'll never beat these boys
503
00:18:59,555 --> 00:19:01,223
without a real personality.
504
00:19:01,306 --> 00:19:03,433
I need life experience fast.
505
00:19:03,517 --> 00:19:04,726
Maybe I can date a vegan
506
00:19:04,810 --> 00:19:06,311
or travel to Belize for one month
507
00:19:06,395 --> 00:19:07,771
and make it my whole thing.
508
00:19:07,855 --> 00:19:09,606
But that's still so basic.
509
00:19:09,690 --> 00:19:11,900
Ah, great, now it's loading car ads first.
510
00:19:11,984 --> 00:19:14,111
Why does it do that? Just post already.
511
00:19:14,444 --> 00:19:16,446
Wait! Yumyulack, that's it.
512
00:19:16,530 --> 00:19:18,282
Uh, what the hell is going on?
513
00:19:18,365 --> 00:19:20,284
When did we end up on a cliff?
What day is it?
514
00:19:21,201 --> 00:19:22,578
I'm gonna throw you off this mountain
515
00:19:22,661 --> 00:19:25,038
and kill your uncharismatic ass for good.
516
00:19:25,122 --> 00:19:28,083
I may be basic,
but now I'm basic with this.
517
00:19:28,167 --> 00:19:29,293
You bought a car?
518
00:19:29,376 --> 00:19:30,752
That's the one thing that simulates
519
00:19:30,836 --> 00:19:32,963
an identity in teens! Yech.
520
00:19:33,046 --> 00:19:35,716
That's right. A 2009 Saturn Vue
521
00:19:35,799 --> 00:19:37,426
in clinical blue.
522
00:19:37,509 --> 00:19:39,636
My credit journey starts today.
523
00:19:39,720 --> 00:19:42,014
You have more personality
than anyone in your grade.
524
00:19:42,097 --> 00:19:43,849
Why is this happening to me?
525
00:19:43,932 --> 00:19:46,935
The more interesting I get,
the weaker you become.
526
00:19:47,019 --> 00:19:48,896
I'm gonna get a "coexist" bumper sticker
527
00:19:48,979 --> 00:19:51,398
and be a designated driver, bitch.
528
00:19:51,481 --> 00:19:53,567
Everyone will wanna hang out with me now.
529
00:19:54,568 --> 00:19:56,278
[Splash yells]
530
00:19:58,906 --> 00:20:00,908
[♪ triumphant crescendo]
531
00:20:04,411 --> 00:20:05,871
- [tires squeal]
- [girl] Ugh.
532
00:20:05,954 --> 00:20:07,331
How long is this going to take?
533
00:20:07,414 --> 00:20:08,874
We're starting to sober up.
534
00:20:08,957 --> 00:20:10,751
This will just take a minute, Stacis.
535
00:20:10,834 --> 00:20:12,628
And then we can go back to being popular.
536
00:20:12,711 --> 00:20:14,630
{\an8}Hit a whippet while I wrap up my shit.
537
00:20:14,713 --> 00:20:17,132
{\an8}Turn me up, queen.
538
00:20:18,467 --> 00:20:20,928
Come on, it's okay. You can do it.
539
00:20:21,011 --> 00:20:22,429
[groaning]
540
00:20:22,512 --> 00:20:24,932
You'll be safe here.
These are your people.
541
00:20:25,015 --> 00:20:27,434
[Allister groans]
542
00:20:29,311 --> 00:20:30,938
Don't worry, I'm gonna get you all
543
00:20:31,021 --> 00:20:32,564
to your natural habitats.
544
00:20:32,648 --> 00:20:35,317
Because I have a car.
545
00:20:35,400 --> 00:20:37,569
- [girls cheer]
- Jesse rules!
546
00:20:37,653 --> 00:20:39,404
Let's get fucked up on hard seltzer
547
00:20:39,488 --> 00:20:41,073
and disappoint our stepdads.
548
00:20:41,156 --> 00:20:42,532
Whoo-hoo!
549
00:20:44,243 --> 00:20:45,410
[Jesse] Wow, what a day.
550
00:20:45,494 --> 00:20:47,913
We saved the boyfriends,
confronted my past,
551
00:20:47,996 --> 00:20:49,748
and we even rescued Terry and Korvo.
552
00:20:49,831 --> 00:20:51,083
I can't believe they thought
553
00:20:51,166 --> 00:20:52,834
they were on a vacation the whole time.
554
00:20:52,918 --> 00:20:54,294
What a couple of dipshits.
555
00:20:54,378 --> 00:20:56,964
Wait a minute,
did we rescue Terry and Korvo?
556
00:20:57,047 --> 00:20:59,049
Yeah, right? I thought we did.
557
00:20:59,132 --> 00:21:01,551
Didn't Terry make us
those Skittles frittatas for brunch?
558
00:21:01,635 --> 00:21:02,678
I made those.
559
00:21:02,761 --> 00:21:03,929
Ah, geez.
560
00:21:04,680 --> 00:21:08,100
Oh, man. I've never felt
this relaxed in my life.
561
00:21:08,183 --> 00:21:11,228
Best wellness retreat ever.
562
00:21:12,479 --> 00:21:14,147
Damn, Korv, you're so relaxed.
563
00:21:14,231 --> 00:21:17,276
Yum's gonna be so jealous...
564
00:21:20,988 --> 00:21:22,155
How are you feeling?
565
00:21:22,239 --> 00:21:23,615
Like shit.
566
00:21:24,491 --> 00:21:25,826
I'm glad you trusted your gut,
567
00:21:25,909 --> 00:21:28,370
or we'd be stoned
and digging in sand right now.
568
00:21:28,453 --> 00:21:29,746
Huh.
569
00:21:29,830 --> 00:21:32,124
Maybe you do have what it takes
to make it out here.
570
00:21:32,207 --> 00:21:33,667
I still have a lot to learn.
571
00:21:33,750 --> 00:21:35,544
Like, I can't believe that even after
572
00:21:35,627 --> 00:21:37,170
we told everyone about Anthony's plan,
573
00:21:37,254 --> 00:21:39,298
they still decided to keep doing mushrooms
574
00:21:39,381 --> 00:21:40,716
and worshiping the sand.
575
00:21:40,799 --> 00:21:42,551
[Gavin] Ah, I guess we all have
576
00:21:42,634 --> 00:21:44,344
to find some way to be happy.
577
00:21:48,140 --> 00:21:49,141
[groaning]
578
00:21:49,224 --> 00:21:50,934
[bounty hunter] Tell me where they went.
579
00:21:51,018 --> 00:21:53,895
- I told you I don't know.
- Just like the rest of 'em.
580
00:21:54,896 --> 00:21:56,481
You're no use to me.
581
00:22:01,278 --> 00:22:02,821
[lizard growls]
582
00:22:09,453 --> 00:22:12,622
[♪ thrilling music]
583
00:22:16,793 --> 00:22:19,713
[♪ dramatic theme]
584
00:23:01,171 --> 00:23:02,672
[mimicking laser fire]