♪ dramatic theme playing ♪
♪
‐ Hey. Do you have anything that screams "This guy watches golf"?
‐ Oh yeah.
This is from Samuel by Sam Jackson for Kangol.
It's the exact model he wore
to the premiere of his Capital One commercial.
‐ Mmm. I love it how you can wear it one way
and look like a newsboy and another way and look like a bad boy.
‐ We patented that. ‐ Could we hurry this up?
Apparently this mall has some sort of gap full of babies
and a locker full of lady's feet.
I wanna see that stuff.
‐ Damn, Terry. Lookin' smooth as eggs.
‐ Oh!
Red Goobler got a gun!
‐ What the hell, Korvo? You mangled my Kangol!
‐ Red Goobler?
Wait a hot fuckin' second,
I thought you killed the Red Goobler last year?
After he hunted us in the Halloween store?
R‐remember that whole thing? ‐ Yeah, I lied about killing him.
He got away, and I kinda just thought
maybe he'd disappear like that eye that used to be on my back.
‐ Damn it, Terry! That eye is still there!
And so is the Red Goobler!
‐ Wait, what the fuck, why is he so big?
Last time we saw him, he was about the size of a softball.
Or like a fat baseball.
‐ I don't know, Terry, he probably grows when I'm stressed out.
Or maybe he eats a lot. Stop trying to poke holes.
‐ Well, sorry for trying to be consistent.
‐ Wait, wait, wait, wait! I'm not trying to kill you anymore, I swear!
‐ Oh please, then what's with that sweet‐ass laser gun?
‐ It's just a barcode scanner.
I'm registering for my wedding.
‐ This trash isn't getting married. Quick, Korvo, murder him!
Shoot him, shoot him, shoot him, shoot him‐‐
‐ Gooby, what's going on? ‐ [sighs] This is my nightmare.
Jen, meet Terry and Korvo.
So yeah, um, Korvo birthed me from his stress,
and I used to yell "get fucked" and try to kill him.
I was a terrible, unhappy person
and, Korvo, I'm so sorry.
‐ You can shoot your apology in the butt and bury it at sea.
‐ You're right, I don't deserve forgiveness.
I live with the guilt of how I treated you every day.
‐ You aren't that guy anymore, Red.
‐ If I'm not, it's because of you, Jen.
Jen pulled me out of a dark place.
Now all I want to do is marry this perfect woman,
wake up every day and make her bread
with this Breville Custom Loaf Bread Maker.
[both moan]
‐ Uh, okay. Well, just don't aim at me with a laser gun.
‐ Totally my fault. Thanks for understanding.
Hey, I've been dreading this for a while,
but it was honestly nice running into you.
‐ You too. ‐ Stay cool, brother.
‐ I didn't buy any of that for a second. Did you?
‐ Oh, I totally bought it, but my self‐esteem is so low
that I'll go along with whatever you feel.
‐ He's a liar and he sucks. ‐ I know, right?
Fuck that little asshole!
‐ I love when you don't have any conviction.
‐ Then I do too.
KORVO: Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia.
Until the asteroid hit.
One hundred adults and their replicants were issued a Pupa
and escaped into, uh, the space,
searching for new homes on uninhabited worlds.
We crashed on Earth, stranding us on an already overpopulated planet.
That's right, I've been talking this whole time.
I'm the one holding the Pupa. My name's Korvo.
This is‐‐ this is my show. I just dropped the Pupa. Do you see me?
[stammers] This is ridiculous.
I hate Earth. It's a horrible home.
People are stupid. They're always arguing about politics.
Everyone is so busy arguing about politics,
but no one is talking about how the Earth is an egg.
Why aren't they talking about that?
♪
[whistle blows]
YUMYULACK: What is with humans' obsession with fitness?
Haven't they figured out that cardio causes cancer?
‐ Oh geez, we're running the mile today?
I wore my fuck‐me pumps. I can't run in them, they're rentals!
‐ I suck at it too.
My legs were made for operating the left‐right orientation pedals
in a hunter kill star tripper, not running in a circle.
‐ Eh, let's just walk it. Nobody's gonna notice.
‐ Don't you remember what happened last year?
[both panting] ‐ I'm gonna puke.
‐ A 15‐minute mile?
I am not letting you freaks bring down the school average.
Our math and science budget is based on how fast you little shits can move.
[blows whistle] Everybody's running again!
And if you don't like doing it,
you can thank Mr. And Mrs. Kingdom of the Crystal Fucking Skull over here.
[both grunting]
‐ My noogie rash just cleared up.
‐ That's it. We are not doing this again.
Access cheating devices.
‐ Ooh, I didn't know you had a pocket dimension.
‐ Pretty sweet, right? ‐ Yeah, maybe if it wasn't pink.
‐ You don't get to choose the color!
‐ Wait, you're going to use The Time Cheater helmet?
Isn't that cheating?
‐ Oh yeah, it's as cheating as you can get.
‐ But, but all the after‐school programs I watch say cheating never works!
‐ Look, you want people to be mean to us all year? Hm?
Or do you wanna be cheaters for one quick second?
‐ Well, alright, but just this once.
We gotta be careful, too.
'Cause according to VeggieTales,
cheating will make you a gay potato.
‐ That's a chance I'm willing to take.
[sighs]
‐ What's with the helmets and backpacks?
‐ Um, you're actually not allowed to ask us about it
because they power our gender identity or whatever.
‐ Fine. You two better blow me away with your mile time this year,
or I will fucking kill you.
[gunshot] [both panting]
♪ dramatic music playing ♪
♪
[both panting]
‐ You did the entire mile in exactly one minute?
‐ That was fast, right? So we can stop doing this stupid test?
‐ No! Of course you can't. Because you two are obviously chee...
‐ Aw no, here it comes. I knew it.
‐ The best runners we've ever had.
These beautiful aliens are going to regionals!
‐ Regionals? Oh no. Are you sure we aren't getting in over our head?
‐ Oh yeah. We definitely are.
‐ American Airlines? One ticket to Regionals in Hawaii please.
WOMAN: [on phone] Are you okay with coach?
‐ Am I okay with what? WOMAN: Coach?
‐ Yes, I am the coach and the principal.
‐ Uh, no, I mean economy.
‐ We all know the economy's great,
but you're not talking me into an expensive ticket.
WOMAN: Let's start over: Nonstop?
‐ Wow, okay. [deep breath]
[speaking rapidly] One ticket to regionals in your finest seat please.
I'd like to pay with a credit card ending in 7624.
WOMAN: I'm just going to put you in first class to end this conversation.
‐ Works every time.
‐ That swole tomato's up to something, I can feel it in my mound.
We need to be ready for an attack.
‐ I'm going to take half my suicide pills now
and save the other half for when he tortures us.
[gulps] [doorbell rings]
[gasps] ‐ If you're a Girl Scout, say it now,
and I will still shoot you.
‐ It's Jen! ‐ Please don't kill us!
‐ Not even! Sorry for dropping by unannounced,
I just really need to ask you guys for a favor.
‐ Let me guess, you want us to shoot ourselves through our throats?
Well, fat chance!
‐ Uh, no. I‐I was wondering if you two would come to our wedding?
‐ It's a trap, Terry, run!
‐ No, stop. Gooby doesn't know I'm here.
You guys are the closest thing he has to family.
If you came to our wedding, it might let him
finally make peace with his past.
‐ Attend a Red Goobler wedding?
Ha. No fucking way.
‐ Listen, as long as that goobler's got something else in his life,
he won't be trying to cut out your eyes and shit in your mouth.
‐ You might have a point. Your annual one good idea.
‐ Nuh‐uh, I had a good idea last week! Remember?
I raised money for our frat by selling pies,
but the bottom of the pie tin had a naked picture
of the Alpha Beta's girlfriends?
That's why we sold so many pies? The whole pie thing? Remember?
‐ I will attend your ceremony,
to trick the Red Goobler into being happy so he won't hurt me anymore.
‐ Fine, but can you also not be this weird at the wedding?
My mom's gonna there and‐‐
‐ Shut up. There's only one problem:
you're far too basic to keep Red Goobler satisfied.
And if you break up, he'll become more dangerous than ever before.
‐ I'm engaged to a goobler. I'm as not basic as they come.
‐ Your name is Jen, you're very forgettable.
Where do you shop, T. J. Minimum?
‐ Sure he loves you now, but once he's sick of you
like we already are, it's back to hunting me!
‐ I'm starting to understand why Red hates you.
Ah! What the hell? ‐ Quick, Terry,
go grab the Rad Awesome Terrific Ray!
‐ On it! Ah!
‐ Terry, help!
This Lululemon basic ho is kicking my ass in the most boring way possible!
Shoot her with the Rad Awesome Terrific Ray!
‐ What the hell is that!
‐ Hold still, this ray's gonna make you terrific and some other stuff.
‐ Don't you dare shoot me with that! I'll sue you!
‐ She's getting basic‐er by the second!
[squeaks]
‐ Give me that.
You used the wrong ray! This is the Rat Ray!
We needed the R‐A‐T Ray.
It's right there, you idiot.
Can't you read? ‐ Of course I can.
RON HOWARD: He can't. [Arrested Development sting]
‐ Why would you put them in order of first letter?
‐ It's alphabetical, Terry! ‐ Oh my god. What does that mean?
Ahh! ‐ Shit! Grab her, grab her!
Oh my god, Terry, if we don't get her back in time for the wedding,
the Red Goobler will hunt us for sure!
‐ Fuck! Okay, okay, okay, I'll find her and de‐rat her
while you keep the Red Goobler distracted.
Come out, Jen.
We can go to a coffee shop that has a painting of wings on a wall,
you can pose in front of it, so fun.
Get the fuck out here! ♪ ice cream truck music playing ♪
Ice cream break.
[squeaking]
I want a Sonic pop.
Not the new design Twitter bullied them into. The original!
Oh no, that's too complicated.
Give me a Ninja Turtle pop from the second of the first movies
but not from the cartoons!
Oh fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Rat Jen, no!
Ring me up! Come on, let's go.
Go, ninja! Go, ninja, go!
♪ jazz music playing ♪
♪
[slot machines beeping] [coins clattering]
‐ Welcome to your bachelor party!
‐ Red already had one of these a month ago.
We built an orphanage in Nicaragua.
‐ Goddammit, Tanner! You're always undercutting me.
‐ Who are you?
‐ I'm the guy who dropped mucho shekels on a penthouse suite.
And not to distract you from anything,
only because I love hospitality.
‐ Oh, that's amazing, Korvo! Thank you!
This is a dream come true.
Ever since I saw Wedding Crashers,
I've wanted to have a Hangover‐themed bachelor party.
‐ It's your big night, baby. [clattering]
[baby wailing, tiger growling] ‐ Hangover stuff!
[growls] ‐ Whoa!
‐ This is the last night before Red Goobler sells his land
to Jen's family in exchange for her dusty womb.
Let's make it one to remember!
‐ Hell yeah! Let me just check in with Jen,
and then we can hit the fl‐‐
‐ No phones, bro! Bachelor party rules!
Let's hit the strip Indiana Jones passage of time style!
Cocaine for everyone!
Brrrr! [sniffing]
‐ Oh! ‐ Oh yeah.
♪
‐ Wow. Regionals is everything I thought it would be.
Alright, you filthy fucking aliens, if you guys win,
we're gonna be drowning in Hawaiian pussy.
Do this for me.
‐ Oh no, oh man. There are so many people here.
We're gonna get caught for sure.
‐ Okay, look, I'll dial back the Cheater device.
That way, we can compete but still lose.
Then we'll just sip Mai Tais on the beach
while Cooke gets his rocks off.
‐ Okay.
ANNOUNCER: [on speakers] On your marks. Get set.
[gunshot]
[panting]
‐ Holy fuck! Yes!
[crowd cheering]
‐ Thirty seconds? You son of a bitch!
We went even faster that time!
‐ Shit! I must've adjusted it the wrong way!
‐ Maybe nobody noticed! [clears throat]
‐ Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice you two‐‐
‐ Oh god, we're so sorry.
A homeless guy in a Hulu sweatshirt made us do it!
We don't even like going fast.
‐ Stacy Grabowski, this is my partner Flart.
We're with the Federal Student Athlete Police.
There's something suspicious going on here.
‐ D‐uh. What do you mean?
‐ It's suspicious that
you two aren't running in the Olympics!
You're so fast!
‐ Holy shit. I saw that coming a mile away. Get it?
‐ We're here scouting for the US Teen Olympic track team,
and we just need you on our roster.
The race is this Sunday in Moscow.
‐ Now we'll finally be able to beat those no‐good cheatin' Russians
with the most morally sound pair of supersonic American children!
‐ Ruskie Pusskie, here we comski!
‐ Mm, yeah.
‐ [slurring] We're doing a blood pact.
Hurry before I get dizzy.
[all gasp] Shit, sorry,
I forgot how much my blood loves the taste of human blood.
Classic Vegas moment.
[squeaking]
‐ Jen, get that tight rat ass back here, girl!
Ooh, that's right,
it's the entire series of Terriers on Blu‐Ray.
Rats love Terriers, don't you?
There you go. Good girl.
They should have never canceled it.
What the fuck were they thinking?
Nah. Ah, damn it! Which one is Jen?
Ah, they all have great asses!
Goddammit. Okay, Terry, buckle down.
This is your moment to shine. I will not rest until‐‐
Ooh, ice cream!
‐ Weird how he yelled, "I'm invincible!"
before proving the exact opposite.
‐ You put in six bullets!
Don't you know how to play Russian Roulette?
‐ No, I don't. I thought I'd figure it out as we went along.
And now I know. Less bullets, got it.
Don't worry, I can fix this.
‐ [gasps] Whoa!
‐ I don't want to go into too much detail here,
but, uh, it turns out only some dogs go to Heaven.
The other dogs are racist. [whispers] White dogs.
♪
‐ Come on, come on. [grunting]
[rats squeaking]
Ahh, why didn't I just do two trips?
Hopefully, none of those were Jen.
AISHA, I need a machine that puts wedding dresses on rats.
AISHA: Oooh! That's machine 25.
‐ Come on, where are you, you basic bride.
Probably buying a rug at Cost Plus World Market.
[laughter]
‐ What a night of distracting activities!
‐ I haven't had to bury a body in the desert in quite some time.
Thank you for tonight. I know you put a lot of thought into it.
‐ Anything for you, Red Goobler.
‐ Hey, would it be crazy if I changed my name to Chris?
‐ It's a strong, beautiful name. It suits you... Chris.
‐ Here. Let me see your hand.
‐ Ooh, your hands are so warm.
‐ Look at your stress line.
It begins at your palm and travels all the way to your heart.
‐ Mm. That feels good.
Are we doing this?
[rhythmic wailing] ‐ Hey! Hey! Dude. Buddy.
Come on, wake up. I need my stuff!
Ugh. How is he sleeping through that alarm, it's like blaring.
[wailing gets louder]
‐ I told you you'd get fucked.
‐ Uhh, I didn't know it was foreshadowing.
[both laugh]
‐ Oh God, I just cheated on Jen,
and I don't regret it!
Does that mean we shouldn't get married?
‐ No. You still need to get married.
To me! We're Runaway Bride‐ing this shit!
[glass shatters] [both laughing]
‐ Ugh. This is it. We're done.
Someone's gonna find out we're big cheaters
and then they're gonna kill us just like they did with Lance Armstrong.
‐ He wasn't killed, they just took one nut.
‐ But we don't have any nuts! What are they gonna take?
‐ Maybe this isn't as big of a deal as it feels.
Nobody pays attention to the Teen Olympics.
I haven't even heard of it before.
‐ Michelle Obama?
‐ Jesse, Yummy!
My two American superstars.
‐ Um, hi. What's up, MO?
‐ Ever since I became President in this timeline,
I've been looking for heroes.
You two are the image of honesty and integrity,
which is why I bet the entire US treasury
on you to win today.
‐ Aw, man, that's legal? ‐ Hell yeah.
Bush was riding high after 9/11, and he lost it all on WrestleMania.
‐ So the entire fate of the country relies on us winning honestly?
‐ Yes. And if you lose, we'll have to close America,
and everyone in the world will know it's your fault.
‐ I'll admit this has gone way too far. ‐ You think?
‐ Let's just say we didn't eat enough McDonald's
so now we have explosive diarrhea and can't run.
‐ No. Enough is enough.
We can't just keep cheating and hoping nobody kills us.
This is done. ‐ You're so right.
It's time for us to stand up and come clean.
This charade ends now.
Because what good is the fame, the money, the sex,
the American Express commercials with Tina Fey and Michael Che?
♪ patriotic music playing ♪
‐ You've won the hearts of millions with your speed
but mostly with your integrity.
‐ Thank you. ‐ You betcha.
‐ All of us in the country have chipped in
to get you a little present.
Ten million dollars!
A million for each second you took to run the mile today.
Woo! So fast.
[people cheering] [Pupa sobbing]
‐ We should've done this sooner.
I've been searching for a life‐mate for years
not knowing one was inside me all along.
‐ I'm yours forever, Korvy.
‐ Quick, love, Apple Maps the nearest chapel.
‐ There's a fast casual Mormon castle two miles away.
‐ Perfect! Let's listen to a podcast together, as a couple, while we drive.
PODCASTER: Today, we'll be talking about the sound of brass.
Brass tones‐‐
‐ Can we, uh, listen to something else?
‐ Come on, give it a chance.
‐ If this is going to work, we need to be honest with each other.
And I honestly hate everything about this podcast.
‐ Fine, my sweet. What do you want to listen to?
JOE ROGAN: See, Ayahuasca might actually be
the tree of life we've been searching for.
The healing properties are astronomical.
Free guns don't come free. You have to lick feet.
‐ This guy sucks! I don't like this.
‐ What? Joe Rogan is our generation's Maya Angelou.
‐ Our generation already has a Maya Angelou.
It's Mark Cuban!
‐ Hey, hun? ‐ Yes, darling?
‐ I love you, but you sound like an asshole
when you say stuff like that.
‐ How can I sound like an asshole when I don't even have one?
Also, what were you fucking me in earlier in that one scene?
[gasps] Dammit, I'm gooblering! See what you made me do?
‐ Well, you liked what I made you do last night, slut!
‐ This isn't gonna work, is it, Chris? ‐ I'm afraid it isn't.
What have I done? I can't believe I ruined what I had with Jen.
I'm an idiot. I al‐‐ I always do this.
‐ Maybe it's not too late.
May‐‐ maybe we can get you back for the wedding.
‐ We don't have time. ‐ We have plenty of‐‐
Shit! We gotta hurry! I forgot time always moves forward on this planet.
[tires squealing]
[horn blaring]
RED GOOBLER: You're such a bad driver.
‐ I fucking hate you.
‐ [sighs] Tell me about yourself.
‐ Squeeeeeeee.
‐ Wait. Jen? ‐ Reee, reee, squeee.
‐ Dammit! You're a rat.
‐ Squeeee.
‐ Fuck it! I just have to make you awesome.
Red Goobler won't even notice the difference.
‐ Ree. Reeee.
‐ Squee, squee.
‐ That's it, you guys sound cool as hell!
‐ Hey, just want to say again,
congrats on winning everything one could win
and doing it without cheating.
‐ Ugh, I can't take it anymore!
When are we going to learn a lesson?
‐ Usually getting away with things makes me feel good,
but this blows.
Getting into USC as a long snapper was the last straw.
‐ Usually at this point in our adventures, we've learned a lesson.
I feel like ants are crawling on my skin.
Is it cold? Is it hot? Oh god, I'm sweating and freezing!
‐ We're in lesson withdrawal!
We're gonna keep feeling this way unless we learn some lesson.
‐ But how? What can we do?
‐ Wait! This whole time, we've been cheating.
But what if cheated even more than ever before
and used another sci‐fi device to double down on cheating?
Do we have anything that teaches a lesson?
‐ Well, we do have that Lesson‐alyzer helmet,
but, I mean, we don't wanna use that, do we?
[rumbling]
[bell dings]
Did it work? Did you learn a lesson?
‐ Oh yeah, and it feels amazing.
I learned "Don't count your chickens before they hatch."
‐ Oooh! Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme!
[bell dings] Oh yeah, that's the good stuff.
‐ What did you get? ‐ "Beer before liquor, never sicker."
‐ Oh, that's a good one.
‐ You want another hit? ‐ Yeah, fuck yeah.
‐ I need your help moving 15 to 20 rat women
to a Red Goobler wedding. Come on!
‐ That's the most Solar Opposites thing I've ever heard.
[bell dings] ‐ Ohhh yeah.
"The thicker the cushion, the sweeter the pushin'."
I gotta remember that when I'm at the couch store.
♪ church organ music playing ♪
♪
‐ We must never speak about what happened in that hotel room.
I'm talking about the fucking.
‐ No shit, you idiot. Why would you bring that up right now?
I'm about to get married.
‐ Sorry, I just hope that you and Jen stay happily married,
keeping us safe from your repressed rage.
[door opens]
♪
[squeaking]
‐ Multiple brides? Are we doing a YouTube thing?
[crowd gasping, screaming] Jen! Which one's Jen?
‐ Aw, man, if you don't know, then I definitely don't.
‐ She's not here! Who the hell are these brides?
‐ Terry, what the hell? You‐‐ you didn't find her?
‐ What do you mean "find her"? What the fuck is going on?
‐ Oh wow, where to begin.
I turned that bitch into a rat.
‐ What? [bell dings]
‐ "Ass, grass, or gas. Nobody rides for free."
‐ Fuck you, you Shlorpian shit bags! You've ruined my life!
‐ You know what, screw you, Red Chris!
You pillow talk told me you didn't really love Jen.
‐ Yeah, this wasn't our fault‐‐ Wait, pillow talk?
Did you two doink? ‐ Nothing. Forget it.
We banged. Shut up about it. [bell dings]
‐ The best way to cope with stress is to confront it.
Only then can you truly be happy.
Or at least satisfied a little bit.
‐ She's right. You are my stress, Red Goobler.
I, I should have never gotten caught up trying to manage you or work with you.
I have to set boundaries.
By lasering your ass!
‐ Ah! [crowd screaming]
‐ Get fucked!
‐ Goddammit, now we're back where we started.
‐ But we all learned a valuable lesson.
At least you did, about stress,
and I guess the replicants did about cheating.
I‐I didn't learn anything at all.
‐ Give Terry the lesson helmet
so he can learn a lesson like the rest of us.
[rumbling]
[bell dings] ‐ Whoa,
I just learned that sometimes
emotional stories don't fit into a rigid structure,
and you just have to embrace the chaos and not worry about it.
‐ As a family.
♪ dramatic music playing ♪
♪
‐ If you feel like you haven't learned a lesson, please visit
www.thesolaropposites.com/lessonalyzer.
You get the first lesson for free, but it's on the honor system after that.
So you have to send us money.
And if you agree to send the money, then you've learned a lesson.
And if you don't, well, you're a dick that steals from cartoons.
♪
♪ theme music playing ♪
♪
[mimicking laser fire]