1
00:00:01,001 --> 00:00:03,003
♪ dramatic theme playing ♪

2
00:00:03,003 --> 00:00:05,005
♪

3
00:00:09,009 --> 00:00:12,012
‐ Hey. Do you have anything that screams
"This guy watches golf"?

4
00:00:12,012 --> 00:00:12,638
‐ Oh yeah.

5
00:00:12,638 --> 00:00:15,641
This is from Samuel
by Sam Jackson for Kangol.

6
00:00:15,641 --> 00:00:17,059
It's the exact model he wore

7
00:00:17,059 --> 00:00:18,560
to the premiere
of his Capital One commercial.

8
00:00:18,560 --> 00:00:20,729
‐ Mmm. I love it
how you can wear it one way

9
00:00:20,729 --> 00:00:23,732
and look like a newsboy
and another way and look like a bad boy.

10
00:00:23,732 --> 00:00:25,484
‐ We patented that.
‐ Could we hurry this up?

11
00:00:25,484 --> 00:00:27,736
Apparently this mall has some sort
of gap full of babies

12
00:00:27,736 --> 00:00:29,238
and a locker full of lady's feet.

13
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I wanna see that stuff.

14
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‐ Damn, Terry. Lookin' smooth as eggs.

15
00:00:34,785 --> 00:00:35,827
‐ Oh!

16
00:00:37,037 --> 00:00:38,080
Red Goobler got a gun!

17
00:00:38,080 --> 00:00:40,457
‐ What the hell, Korvo?
You mangled my Kangol!

18
00:00:40,457 --> 00:00:41,500
‐ Red Goobler?

19
00:00:41,500 --> 00:00:42,751
Wait a hot fuckin' second,

20
00:00:42,751 --> 00:00:44,670
I thought you killed
the Red Goobler last year?

21
00:00:44,670 --> 00:00:46,213
After he hunted us
in the Halloween store?

22
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R‐remember that whole thing?
‐ Yeah, I lied about killing him.

23
00:00:48,757 --> 00:00:50,092
He got away,
and I kinda just thought

24
00:00:50,092 --> 00:00:52,594
maybe he'd disappear like that eye
that used to be on my back.

25
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‐ Damn it, Terry!
That eye is still there!

26
00:00:54,263 --> 00:00:55,472
And so is the Red Goobler!

27
00:00:55,472 --> 00:00:56,890
‐ Wait, what the fuck,
why is he so big?

28
00:00:56,890 --> 00:00:59,059
Last time we saw him, he was
about the size of a softball.

29
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Or like a fat baseball.

30
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‐ I don't know, Terry,
he probably grows when I'm stressed out.

31
00:01:02,729 --> 00:01:04,815
Or maybe he eats a lot.
Stop trying to poke holes.

32
00:01:04,815 --> 00:01:06,692
‐ Well, sorry for trying
to be consistent.

33
00:01:09,570 --> 00:01:12,739
‐ Wait, wait, wait, wait! I'm not trying
to kill you anymore, I swear!

34
00:01:12,739 --> 00:01:15,033
‐ Oh please, then what's with that
sweet‐ass laser gun?

35
00:01:15,033 --> 00:01:16,743
‐ It's just a barcode scanner.

36
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I'm registering for my wedding.

37
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‐ This trash isn't getting married.
Quick, Korvo, murder him!

38
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Shoot him, shoot him,
shoot him, shoot him‐‐

39
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‐ Gooby, what's going on?
‐ [sighs] This is my nightmare.

40
00:01:26,420 --> 00:01:28,213
Jen, meet Terry and Korvo.

41
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So yeah, um, Korvo birthed me
from his stress,

42
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and I used to yell "get fucked"
and try to kill him.

43
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I was a terrible, unhappy person

44
00:01:36,138 --> 00:01:37,681
and, Korvo, I'm so sorry.

45
00:01:37,681 --> 00:01:40,100
‐ You can shoot your apology
in the butt and bury it at sea.

46
00:01:40,100 --> 00:01:42,102
‐ You're right,
I don't deserve forgiveness.

47
00:01:42,102 --> 00:01:44,897
I live with the guilt
of how I treated you every day.

48
00:01:44,897 --> 00:01:46,398
‐ You aren't
that guy anymore, Red.

49
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‐ If I'm not,
it's because of you, Jen.

50
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Jen pulled me
out of a dark place.

51
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Now all I want to do is marry
this perfect woman,

52
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wake up every day
and make her bread

53
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with this Breville
Custom Loaf Bread Maker.

54
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[both moan]

55
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‐ Uh, okay. Well, just don't aim
at me with a laser gun.

56
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‐ Totally my fault.
Thanks for understanding.

57
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Hey, I've been dreading this
for a while,

58
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but it was honestly nice
running into you.

59
00:02:09,338 --> 00:02:10,839
‐ You too.
‐ Stay cool, brother.

60
00:02:12,591 --> 00:02:14,676
‐ I didn't buy any of that
for a second. Did you?

61
00:02:14,676 --> 00:02:16,803
‐ Oh, I totally bought it,
but my self‐esteem is so low

62
00:02:16,803 --> 00:02:18,180
that I'll go along
with whatever you feel.

63
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‐ He's a liar and he sucks.
‐ I know, right?

64
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Fuck that little asshole!

65
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‐ I love when you don't have
any conviction.

66
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‐ Then I do too.

67
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KORVO:
Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia.

68
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Until the asteroid hit.

69
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One hundred adults and their replicants
were issued a Pupa

70
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and escaped into, uh, the space,

71
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searching for new homes
on uninhabited worlds.

72
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We crashed on Earth, stranding us
on an already overpopulated planet.

73
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That's right,
I've been talking this whole time.

74
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I'm the one holding the Pupa.
My name's Korvo.

75
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This is‐‐ this is my show.
I just dropped the Pupa. Do you see me?

76
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[stammers]
This is ridiculous.

77
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I hate Earth.
It's a horrible home.

78
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People are stupid.
They're always arguing about politics.

79
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Everyone is so busy arguing
about politics,

80
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but no one is talking about
how the Earth is an egg.

81
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Why aren't they talking
about that?

82
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♪

83
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[whistle blows]

84
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YUMYULACK: What is with
humans' obsession with fitness?

85
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Haven't they figured out
that cardio causes cancer?

86
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‐ Oh geez, we're running
the mile today?

87
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I wore my fuck‐me pumps.
I can't run in them, they're rentals!

88
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‐ I suck at it too.

89
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My legs were made for operating
the left‐right orientation pedals

90
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in a hunter kill star tripper,
not running in a circle.

91
00:03:23,871 --> 00:03:25,873
‐ Eh, let's just walk it.
Nobody's gonna notice.

92
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‐ Don't you remember
what happened last year?

93
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[both panting]
‐ I'm gonna puke.

94
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‐ A 15‐minute mile?

95
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I am not letting you freaks
bring down the school average.

96
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Our math and science budget is based
on how fast you little shits can move.

97
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[blows whistle]
Everybody's running again!

98
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And if you don't like doing it,

99
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you can thank Mr. And Mrs. Kingdom
of the Crystal Fucking Skull over here.

100
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[both grunting]

101
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‐ My noogie rash just cleared up.

102
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‐ That's it.
We are not doing this again.

103
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Access cheating devices.

104
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‐ Ooh, I didn't know you had
a pocket dimension.

105
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‐ Pretty sweet, right?
‐ Yeah, maybe if it wasn't pink.

106
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‐ You don't get
to choose the color!

107
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‐ Wait, you're going to use
The Time Cheater helmet?

108
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Isn't that cheating?

109
00:04:05,787 --> 00:04:07,581
‐ Oh yeah, it's as cheating
as you can get.

110
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‐ But, but all the after‐school programs
I watch say cheating never works!

111
00:04:11,460 --> 00:04:13,712
‐ Look, you want people
to be mean to us all year? Hm?

112
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Or do you wanna be cheaters
for one quick second?

113
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‐ Well, alright,
but just this once.

114
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We gotta be careful, too.

115
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'Cause according to VeggieTales,

116
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cheating will make you
a gay potato.

117
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‐ That's a chance
I'm willing to take.

118
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[sighs]

119
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‐ What's with the helmets
and backpacks?

120
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‐ Um, you're actually not allowed
to ask us about it

121
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because they power
our gender identity or whatever.

122
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‐ Fine. You two better blow me away
with your mile time this year,

123
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or I will fucking kill you.

124
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[gunshot]
[both panting]

125
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♪ dramatic music playing ♪

126
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♪

127
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[both panting]

128
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‐ You did the entire mile
in exactly one minute?

129
00:04:55,504 --> 00:04:57,965
‐ That was fast, right?
So we can stop doing this stupid test?

130
00:04:57,965 --> 00:05:01,093
‐ No! Of course you can't.
Because you two are obviously chee...

131
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‐ Aw no, here it comes.
I knew it.

132
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‐ The best runners we've ever had.

133
00:05:04,680 --> 00:05:08,016
These beautiful aliens
are going to regionals!

134
00:05:08,016 --> 00:05:11,395
‐ Regionals? Oh no. Are you sure
we aren't getting in over our head?

135
00:05:11,395 --> 00:05:13,105
‐ Oh yeah. We definitely are.

136
00:05:13,105 --> 00:05:16,066
‐ American Airlines? One ticket
to Regionals in Hawaii please.

137
00:05:16,066 --> 00:05:17,150
WOMAN: [on phone]
Are you okay with coach?

138
00:05:17,150 --> 00:05:18,485
‐ Am I okay with what?
WOMAN: Coach?

139
00:05:18,485 --> 00:05:20,320
‐ Yes, I am the coach
and the principal.

140
00:05:20,320 --> 00:05:21,905
‐ Uh, no, I mean economy.

141
00:05:21,905 --> 00:05:23,240
‐ We all know the economy's great,

142
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but you're not talking me
into an expensive ticket.

143
00:05:25,117 --> 00:05:26,660
WOMAN:
Let's start over: Nonstop?

144
00:05:26,660 --> 00:05:28,245
‐ Wow, okay.
[deep breath]

145
00:05:28,245 --> 00:05:29,913
[speaking rapidly] One ticket to regionals
in your finest seat please.

146
00:05:29,913 --> 00:05:32,207
I'd like to pay with a credit card
ending in 7624.

147
00:05:32,207 --> 00:05:35,002
WOMAN: I'm just going to put you
in first class to end this conversation.

148
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‐ Works every time.

149
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‐ That swole tomato's up to something,
I can feel it in my mound.

150
00:05:41,550 --> 00:05:42,759
We need to be ready
for an attack.

151
00:05:42,759 --> 00:05:44,428
‐ I'm going to take
half my suicide pills now

152
00:05:44,428 --> 00:05:46,680
and save the other half
for when he tortures us.

153
00:05:46,680 --> 00:05:47,639
[gulps]
[doorbell rings]

154
00:05:47,639 --> 00:05:49,725
[gasps]
‐ If you're a Girl Scout, say it now,

155
00:05:49,725 --> 00:05:50,851
and I will still shoot you.

156
00:05:50,851 --> 00:05:52,144
‐ It's Jen!
‐ Please don't kill us!

157
00:05:52,144 --> 00:05:54,354
‐ Not even!
Sorry for dropping by unannounced,

158
00:05:54,354 --> 00:05:56,690
I just really need
to ask you guys for a favor.

159
00:05:56,690 --> 00:05:59,276
‐ Let me guess, you want us
to shoot ourselves through our throats?

160
00:05:59,276 --> 00:06:00,152
Well, fat chance!

161
00:06:00,152 --> 00:06:03,864
‐ Uh, no. I‐I was wondering if you two
would come to our wedding?

162
00:06:04,239 --> 00:06:05,490
‐ It's a trap, Terry, run!

163
00:06:05,490 --> 00:06:07,451
‐ No, stop.
Gooby doesn't know I'm here.

164
00:06:07,451 --> 00:06:09,536
You guys are the closest thing
he has to family.

165
00:06:09,536 --> 00:06:11,121
If you came to our wedding,
it might let him

166
00:06:11,121 --> 00:06:12,831
finally make peace with his past.

167
00:06:12,831 --> 00:06:14,541
‐ Attend a Red Goobler wedding?

168
00:06:14,541 --> 00:06:16,710
Ha. No fucking way.

169
00:06:16,710 --> 00:06:19,296
‐ Listen, as long as that goobler's
got something else in his life,

170
00:06:19,296 --> 00:06:21,340
he won't be trying to cut out your eyes
and shit in your mouth.

171
00:06:21,340 --> 00:06:23,842
‐ You might have a point.
Your annual one good idea.

172
00:06:23,842 --> 00:06:25,886
‐ Nuh‐uh, I had a good idea
last week! Remember?

173
00:06:25,886 --> 00:06:27,679
I raised money for our frat
by selling pies,

174
00:06:27,679 --> 00:06:29,348
but the bottom of the pie tin
had a naked picture

175
00:06:29,348 --> 00:06:30,724
of the Alpha Beta's girlfriends?

176
00:06:30,724 --> 00:06:33,560
That's why we sold so many pies?
The whole pie thing? Remember?

177
00:06:33,560 --> 00:06:35,020
‐ I will attend your ceremony,

178
00:06:35,020 --> 00:06:38,023
to trick the Red Goobler into being happy
so he won't hurt me anymore.

179
00:06:38,023 --> 00:06:41,026
‐ Fine, but can you also not be
this weird at the wedding?

180
00:06:41,026 --> 00:06:42,069
My mom's gonna there and‐‐

181
00:06:42,069 --> 00:06:43,487
‐ Shut up.
There's only one problem:

182
00:06:43,487 --> 00:06:45,697
you're far too basic
to keep Red Goobler satisfied.

183
00:06:45,697 --> 00:06:48,116
And if you break up, he'll become
more dangerous than ever before.

184
00:06:48,116 --> 00:06:51,119
‐ I'm engaged to a goobler.
I'm as not basic as they come.

185
00:06:51,119 --> 00:06:52,871
‐ Your name is Jen,
you're very forgettable.

186
00:06:52,871 --> 00:06:54,998
Where do you shop,
T. J. Minimum?

187
00:06:54,998 --> 00:06:56,917
‐ Sure he loves you now,
but once he's sick of you

188
00:06:56,917 --> 00:06:58,961
like we already are,
it's back to hunting me!

189
00:06:58,961 --> 00:07:01,213
‐ I'm starting to understand
why Red hates you.

190
00:07:01,213 --> 00:07:02,464
Ah! What the hell?
‐ Quick, Terry,

191
00:07:02,464 --> 00:07:04,049
go grab
the Rad Awesome Terrific Ray!

192
00:07:04,049 --> 00:07:05,300
‐ On it! Ah!

193
00:07:08,428 --> 00:07:09,471
‐ Terry, help!

194
00:07:09,471 --> 00:07:12,808
This Lululemon basic ho is kicking my ass
in the most boring way possible!

195
00:07:12,808 --> 00:07:14,393
Shoot her with
the Rad Awesome Terrific Ray!

196
00:07:14,393 --> 00:07:15,269
‐ What the hell is that!

197
00:07:15,269 --> 00:07:17,646
‐ Hold still, this ray's gonna
make you terrific and some other stuff.

198
00:07:17,646 --> 00:07:20,232
‐ Don't you dare shoot me with that!
I'll sue you!

199
00:07:20,232 --> 00:07:21,733
‐ She's getting basic‐er
by the second!

200
00:07:26,864 --> 00:07:28,365
[squeaks]

201
00:07:28,365 --> 00:07:29,783
‐ Give me that.

202
00:07:29,783 --> 00:07:31,743
You used the wrong ray!
This is the Rat Ray!

203
00:07:31,743 --> 00:07:33,662
We needed the R‐A‐T Ray.

204
00:07:34,454 --> 00:07:35,664
It's right there, you idiot.

205
00:07:35,664 --> 00:07:37,416
Can't you read?
‐ Of course I can.

206
00:07:37,416 --> 00:07:39,501
RON HOWARD: He can't.
[Arrested Development sting]

207
00:07:39,501 --> 00:07:41,253
‐ Why would you put them
in order of first letter?

208
00:07:41,253 --> 00:07:43,797
‐ It's alphabetical, Terry!
‐ Oh my god. What does that mean?

209
00:07:43,797 --> 00:07:45,465
Ahh!
‐ Shit! Grab her, grab her!

210
00:07:45,757 --> 00:07:48,135
Oh my god, Terry, if we don't get her back
in time for the wedding,

211
00:07:48,135 --> 00:07:49,469
the Red Goobler
will hunt us for sure!

212
00:07:49,469 --> 00:07:52,181
‐ Fuck! Okay, okay, okay,
I'll find her and de‐rat her

213
00:07:52,181 --> 00:07:53,765
while you keep
the Red Goobler distracted.

214
00:07:53,765 --> 00:07:54,933
Come out, Jen.

215
00:07:54,933 --> 00:07:58,228
We can go to a coffee shop
that has a painting of wings on a wall,

216
00:07:58,228 --> 00:08:00,689
you can pose
in front of it, so fun.

217
00:08:00,689 --> 00:08:03,066
Get the fuck out here!
♪ ice cream truck music playing ♪

218
00:08:03,066 --> 00:08:04,610
Ice cream break.

219
00:08:05,277 --> 00:08:06,528
[squeaking]

220
00:08:06,528 --> 00:08:07,613
I want a Sonic pop.

221
00:08:07,613 --> 00:08:10,157
Not the new design
Twitter bullied them into. The original!

222
00:08:10,157 --> 00:08:11,241
Oh no,
that's too complicated.

223
00:08:11,241 --> 00:08:13,285
Give me a Ninja Turtle pop
from the second of the first movies

224
00:08:13,285 --> 00:08:14,369
but not from the cartoons!

225
00:08:14,369 --> 00:08:16,371
Oh fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
Rat Jen, no!

226
00:08:16,371 --> 00:08:17,623
Ring me up!
Come on, let's go.

227
00:08:17,623 --> 00:08:18,999
Go, ninja!
Go, ninja, go!

228
00:08:20,501 --> 00:08:22,544
♪ jazz music playing ♪

229
00:08:22,544 --> 00:08:25,047
♪

230
00:08:27,549 --> 00:08:28,425
♪

231
00:08:28,425 --> 00:08:30,719
[slot machines beeping]
[coins clattering]

232
00:08:31,178 --> 00:08:33,222
‐ Welcome to your bachelor party!

233
00:08:33,222 --> 00:08:34,598
‐ Red already had one of these
a month ago.

234
00:08:34,598 --> 00:08:36,266
We built an orphanage
in Nicaragua.

235
00:08:36,266 --> 00:08:38,185
‐ Goddammit, Tanner!
You're always undercutting me.

236
00:08:38,185 --> 00:08:38,936
‐ Who are you?

237
00:08:38,936 --> 00:08:41,605
‐ I'm the guy who dropped
mucho shekels on a penthouse suite.

238
00:08:41,605 --> 00:08:43,190
And not to distract you
from anything,

239
00:08:43,190 --> 00:08:44,691
only because
I love hospitality.

240
00:08:44,691 --> 00:08:46,860
‐ Oh, that's amazing, Korvo!
Thank you!

241
00:08:46,860 --> 00:08:48,403
This is a dream come true.

242
00:08:48,403 --> 00:08:50,322
Ever since I saw
Wedding Crashers,

243
00:08:50,322 --> 00:08:52,908
I've wanted to have
a Hangover‐themed bachelor party.

244
00:08:52,908 --> 00:08:54,952
‐ It's your big night, baby.
[clattering]

245
00:08:54,952 --> 00:08:57,287
[baby wailing, tiger growling]
‐ Hangover stuff!

246
00:08:57,287 --> 00:08:58,580
[growls]
‐ Whoa!

247
00:08:58,580 --> 00:09:00,791
‐ This is the last night
before Red Goobler sells his land

248
00:09:00,791 --> 00:09:03,001
to Jen's family
in exchange for her dusty womb.

249
00:09:03,001 --> 00:09:04,169
Let's make it one
to remember!

250
00:09:04,169 --> 00:09:06,213
‐ Hell yeah! Let me just
check in with Jen,

251
00:09:06,213 --> 00:09:07,130
and then we can hit the fl‐‐

252
00:09:08,549 --> 00:09:10,968
‐ No phones, bro!
Bachelor party rules!

253
00:09:11,718 --> 00:09:14,721
Let's hit the strip Indiana Jones
passage of time style!

254
00:09:14,721 --> 00:09:16,056
Cocaine for everyone!

255
00:09:16,056 --> 00:09:17,683
Brrrr!
[sniffing]

256
00:09:17,683 --> 00:09:19,643
‐ Oh!
‐ Oh yeah.

257
00:09:19,643 --> 00:09:23,021
♪

258
00:09:30,279 --> 00:09:33,615
‐ Wow. Regionals is everything
I thought it would be.

259
00:09:33,615 --> 00:09:35,576
Alright, you filthy fucking aliens,
if you guys win,

260
00:09:35,576 --> 00:09:38,161
we're gonna be drowning
in Hawaiian pussy.

261
00:09:38,453 --> 00:09:39,830
Do this for me.

262
00:09:40,622 --> 00:09:42,666
‐ Oh no, oh man.
There are so many people here.

263
00:09:42,666 --> 00:09:43,959
We're gonna get caught
for sure.

264
00:09:43,959 --> 00:09:45,878
‐ Okay, look, I'll dial back
the Cheater device.

265
00:09:45,878 --> 00:09:47,796
That way, we can compete
but still lose.

266
00:09:47,796 --> 00:09:49,631
Then we'll just sip Mai Tais
on the beach

267
00:09:49,631 --> 00:09:50,799
while Cooke gets
his rocks off.

268
00:09:50,799 --> 00:09:52,050
‐ Okay.

269
00:09:52,050 --> 00:09:54,678
ANNOUNCER: [on speakers]
On your marks. Get set.

270
00:09:55,262 --> 00:09:55,929
[gunshot]

271
00:09:59,433 --> 00:10:00,934
[panting]

272
00:10:00,934 --> 00:10:02,519
‐ Holy fuck! Yes!

273
00:10:02,519 --> 00:10:03,145
[crowd cheering]

274
00:10:03,145 --> 00:10:05,314
‐ Thirty seconds?
You son of a bitch!

275
00:10:05,314 --> 00:10:06,857
We went even faster that time!

276
00:10:06,857 --> 00:10:08,358
‐ Shit! I must've adjusted it
the wrong way!

277
00:10:08,358 --> 00:10:10,444
‐ Maybe nobody noticed!
[clears throat]

278
00:10:10,444 --> 00:10:12,696
‐ Excuse me, I couldn't help
but notice you two‐‐

279
00:10:12,696 --> 00:10:14,948
‐ Oh god, we're so sorry.

280
00:10:14,948 --> 00:10:18,660
A homeless guy in a Hulu sweatshirt
made us do it!

281
00:10:18,660 --> 00:10:21,205
We don't even like going fast.

282
00:10:21,205 --> 00:10:23,540
‐ Stacy Grabowski,
this is my partner Flart.

283
00:10:23,540 --> 00:10:26,001
We're with
the Federal Student Athlete Police.

284
00:10:26,001 --> 00:10:28,212
There's something suspicious
going on here.

285
00:10:28,212 --> 00:10:29,379
‐ D‐uh. What do you mean?

286
00:10:29,379 --> 00:10:30,964
‐ It's suspicious that

287
00:10:30,964 --> 00:10:32,633
you two aren't running
in the Olympics!

288
00:10:32,633 --> 00:10:33,967
You're so fast!

289
00:10:33,967 --> 00:10:36,803
‐ Holy shit. I saw that coming
a mile away. Get it?

290
00:10:36,803 --> 00:10:39,556
‐ We're here scouting
for the US Teen Olympic track team,

291
00:10:39,556 --> 00:10:41,266
and we just need you
on our roster.

292
00:10:41,266 --> 00:10:43,101
The race is this Sunday
in Moscow.

293
00:10:43,101 --> 00:10:46,188
‐ Now we'll finally be able to beat
those no‐good cheatin' Russians

294
00:10:46,188 --> 00:10:50,025
with the most morally sound pair
of supersonic American children!

295
00:10:50,025 --> 00:10:52,653
‐ Ruskie Pusskie,
here we comski!

296
00:10:52,653 --> 00:10:53,695
‐ Mm, yeah.

297
00:10:55,989 --> 00:10:57,658
‐ [slurring] We're doing a blood pact.

298
00:10:57,658 --> 00:10:59,326
Hurry before I get dizzy.

299
00:10:59,993 --> 00:11:01,453
[all gasp]
Shit, sorry,

300
00:11:01,453 --> 00:11:03,789
I forgot how much my blood
loves the taste of human blood.

301
00:11:04,373 --> 00:11:06,333
Classic Vegas moment.

302
00:11:06,333 --> 00:11:07,167
[squeaking]

303
00:11:07,167 --> 00:11:09,670
‐ Jen, get that tight rat ass
back here, girl!

304
00:11:10,003 --> 00:11:11,129
Ooh, that's right,

305
00:11:11,129 --> 00:11:14,049
it's the entire series
of Terriers on Blu‐Ray.

306
00:11:14,049 --> 00:11:16,260
Rats love Terriers, don't you?

307
00:11:16,260 --> 00:11:17,970
There you go. Good girl.

308
00:11:17,970 --> 00:11:19,680
They should have
never canceled it.

309
00:11:19,680 --> 00:11:21,098
What the fuck
were they thinking?

310
00:11:21,098 --> 00:11:23,100
Nah. Ah, damn it!
Which one is Jen?

311
00:11:23,100 --> 00:11:24,601
Ah, they all have great asses!

312
00:11:24,601 --> 00:11:26,311
Goddammit.
Okay, Terry, buckle down.

313
00:11:26,311 --> 00:11:28,438
This is your moment to shine.
I will not rest until‐‐

314
00:11:28,438 --> 00:11:29,898
Ooh, ice cream!

315
00:11:30,649 --> 00:11:32,693
‐ Weird how he yelled,
"I'm invincible!"

316
00:11:32,693 --> 00:11:34,152
before proving
the exact opposite.

317
00:11:34,152 --> 00:11:35,487
‐ You put in six bullets!

318
00:11:35,487 --> 00:11:36,989
Don't you know
how to play Russian Roulette?

319
00:11:36,989 --> 00:11:39,575
‐ No, I don't. I thought I'd figure it out
as we went along.

320
00:11:39,575 --> 00:11:41,493
And now I know.
Less bullets, got it.

321
00:11:41,493 --> 00:11:42,786
Don't worry,
I can fix this.

322
00:11:43,203 --> 00:11:44,204
‐ [gasps] Whoa!

323
00:11:44,913 --> 00:11:46,290
‐ I don't want to go
into too much detail here,

324
00:11:46,290 --> 00:11:48,792
but, uh, it turns out
only some dogs go to Heaven.

325
00:11:48,792 --> 00:11:51,253
The other dogs are racist.
[whispers] White dogs.

326
00:11:51,253 --> 00:11:54,173
♪

327
00:11:54,173 --> 00:11:55,924
‐ Come on, come on.
[grunting]

328
00:11:55,924 --> 00:11:57,509
[rats squeaking]

329
00:11:57,509 --> 00:11:59,720
Ahh, why didn't I just do two trips?

330
00:12:01,096 --> 00:12:02,472
Hopefully, none
of those were Jen.

331
00:12:03,265 --> 00:12:05,601
AISHA, I need a machine
that puts wedding dresses on rats.

332
00:12:05,601 --> 00:12:07,686
AISHA:
Oooh! That's machine 25.

333
00:12:12,149 --> 00:12:14,484
‐ Come on, where are you,
you basic bride.

334
00:12:14,484 --> 00:12:17,112
Probably buying a rug
at Cost Plus World Market.

335
00:12:18,864 --> 00:12:20,407
[laughter]

336
00:12:20,407 --> 00:12:22,117
‐ What a night
of distracting activities!

337
00:12:22,117 --> 00:12:25,913
‐ I haven't had to bury a body
in the desert in quite some time.

338
00:12:25,913 --> 00:12:28,790
Thank you for tonight.
I know you put a lot of thought into it.

339
00:12:28,790 --> 00:12:30,459
‐ Anything for you, Red Goobler.

340
00:12:30,459 --> 00:12:33,295
‐ Hey, would it be crazy
if I changed my name to Chris?

341
00:12:33,295 --> 00:12:36,632
‐ It's a strong, beautiful name.
It suits you... Chris.

342
00:12:36,632 --> 00:12:38,383
‐ Here. Let me see your hand.

343
00:12:38,383 --> 00:12:40,427
‐ Ooh, your hands are so warm.

344
00:12:40,427 --> 00:12:41,762
‐ Look at your stress line.

345
00:12:41,762 --> 00:12:44,556
It begins at your palm
and travels all the way to your heart.

346
00:12:44,556 --> 00:12:47,059
‐ Mm. That feels good.

347
00:12:50,854 --> 00:12:52,397
Are we doing this?

348
00:12:53,398 --> 00:12:55,776
[rhythmic wailing]
‐ Hey! Hey! Dude. Buddy.

349
00:12:55,776 --> 00:12:57,361
Come on, wake up.
I need my stuff!

350
00:12:57,361 --> 00:13:00,155
Ugh. How is he sleeping
through that alarm, it's like blaring.

351
00:13:00,155 --> 00:13:02,533
[wailing gets louder]

352
00:13:06,119 --> 00:13:07,871
‐ I told you you'd get fucked.

353
00:13:07,871 --> 00:13:09,998
‐ Uhh, I didn't know
it was foreshadowing.

354
00:13:09,998 --> 00:13:12,334
[both laugh]

355
00:13:12,334 --> 00:13:14,461
‐ Oh God,
I just cheated on Jen,

356
00:13:14,461 --> 00:13:15,754
and I don't regret it!

357
00:13:15,754 --> 00:13:17,297
Does that mean
we shouldn't get married?

358
00:13:17,297 --> 00:13:19,007
‐ No. You still need to get married.

359
00:13:19,007 --> 00:13:21,093
To me! We're Runaway Bride‐ing this shit!

360
00:13:21,844 --> 00:13:23,637
[glass shatters]
[both laughing]

361
00:13:27,933 --> 00:13:29,434
‐ Ugh. This is it. We're done.

362
00:13:29,434 --> 00:13:31,353
Someone's gonna find out
we're big cheaters

363
00:13:31,353 --> 00:13:34,022
and then they're gonna kill us
just like they did with Lance Armstrong.

364
00:13:34,022 --> 00:13:35,607
‐ He wasn't killed,
they just took one nut.

365
00:13:35,607 --> 00:13:38,235
‐ But we don't have any nuts!
What are they gonna take?

366
00:13:38,235 --> 00:13:40,737
‐ Maybe this isn't as big
of a deal as it feels.

367
00:13:40,737 --> 00:13:42,698
Nobody pays attention
to the Teen Olympics.

368
00:13:42,698 --> 00:13:44,074
I haven't even heard of it before.

369
00:13:44,616 --> 00:13:46,994
‐ Michelle Obama?

370
00:13:46,994 --> 00:13:48,370
‐ Jesse, Yummy!

371
00:13:48,370 --> 00:13:50,998
My two American superstars.

372
00:13:50,998 --> 00:13:52,833
‐ Um, hi. What's up, MO?

373
00:13:52,833 --> 00:13:55,252
‐ Ever since I became President
in this timeline,

374
00:13:55,252 --> 00:13:57,337
I've been looking for heroes.

375
00:13:57,337 --> 00:14:00,299
You two are the image
of honesty and integrity,

376
00:14:00,299 --> 00:14:03,552
which is why I bet
the entire US treasury

377
00:14:03,552 --> 00:14:05,095
on you to win today.

378
00:14:05,095 --> 00:14:06,638
‐ Aw, man, that's legal?
‐ Hell yeah.

379
00:14:06,638 --> 00:14:09,975
Bush was riding high after 9/11,
and he lost it all on WrestleMania.

380
00:14:09,975 --> 00:14:14,104
‐ So the entire fate of the country
relies on us winning honestly?

381
00:14:14,104 --> 00:14:16,773
‐ Yes. And if you lose,
we'll have to close America,

382
00:14:16,773 --> 00:14:19,526
and everyone in the world
will know it's your fault.

383
00:14:21,945 --> 00:14:24,198
‐ I'll admit this has gone way too far.
‐ You think?

384
00:14:24,198 --> 00:14:25,949
‐ Let's just say we didn't eat
enough McDonald's

385
00:14:25,949 --> 00:14:28,160
so now we have explosive diarrhea
and can't run.

386
00:14:28,160 --> 00:14:30,078
‐ No. Enough is enough.

387
00:14:30,078 --> 00:14:32,623
We can't just keep cheating
and hoping nobody kills us.

388
00:14:32,623 --> 00:14:34,666
This is done.
‐ You're so right.

389
00:14:34,666 --> 00:14:36,710
It's time for us
to stand up and come clean.

390
00:14:36,710 --> 00:14:38,337
This charade ends now.

391
00:14:38,337 --> 00:14:41,798
Because what good is the fame,
the money, the sex,

392
00:14:41,798 --> 00:14:44,593
the American Express commercials
with Tina Fey and Michael Che?

393
00:14:44,593 --> 00:14:46,136
♪ patriotic music playing ♪

394
00:14:46,637 --> 00:14:49,932
‐ You've won the hearts
of millions with your speed

395
00:14:49,932 --> 00:14:52,184
but mostly with your integrity.

396
00:14:52,184 --> 00:14:53,268
‐ Thank you.
‐ You betcha.

397
00:14:53,268 --> 00:14:55,604
‐ All of us in the country
have chipped in

398
00:14:55,604 --> 00:14:57,940
to get you a little present.

399
00:14:57,940 --> 00:14:59,858
Ten million dollars!

400
00:14:59,858 --> 00:15:03,028
A million for each second you took
to run the mile today.

401
00:15:03,028 --> 00:15:04,571
Woo! So fast.

402
00:15:04,571 --> 00:15:06,573
[people cheering]
[Pupa sobbing]

403
00:15:09,743 --> 00:15:10,786
‐ We should've done this sooner.

404
00:15:10,786 --> 00:15:12,579
I've been searching
for a life‐mate for years

405
00:15:12,579 --> 00:15:14,456
not knowing one was
inside me all along.

406
00:15:14,456 --> 00:15:15,958
‐ I'm yours forever, Korvy.

407
00:15:15,958 --> 00:15:18,085
‐ Quick, love, Apple Maps
the nearest chapel.

408
00:15:18,085 --> 00:15:21,046
‐ There's a fast casual Mormon castle
two miles away.

409
00:15:21,046 --> 00:15:24,550
‐ Perfect! Let's listen to a podcast
together, as a couple, while we drive.

410
00:15:24,550 --> 00:15:28,136
PODCASTER: Today, we'll be talking
about the sound of brass.

411
00:15:28,136 --> 00:15:28,929
Brass tones‐‐

412
00:15:28,929 --> 00:15:30,681
‐ Can we, uh, listen
to something else?

413
00:15:30,681 --> 00:15:31,974
‐ Come on, give it a chance.

414
00:15:31,974 --> 00:15:34,309
‐ If this is going to work,
we need to be honest with each other.

415
00:15:34,309 --> 00:15:36,645
And I honestly hate everything
about this podcast.

416
00:15:36,645 --> 00:15:39,815
‐ Fine, my sweet.
What do you want to listen to?

417
00:15:40,858 --> 00:15:42,442
JOE ROGAN:
See, Ayahuasca might actually be

418
00:15:42,442 --> 00:15:44,319
the tree of life
we've been searching for.

419
00:15:44,319 --> 00:15:46,613
The healing properties
are astronomical.

420
00:15:46,613 --> 00:15:48,907
Free guns don't come free.
You have to lick feet.

421
00:15:48,907 --> 00:15:50,659
‐ This guy sucks!
I don't like this.

422
00:15:50,659 --> 00:15:53,370
‐ What? Joe Rogan is
our generation's Maya Angelou.

423
00:15:53,370 --> 00:15:55,497
‐ Our generation already has
a Maya Angelou.

424
00:15:55,497 --> 00:15:56,415
It's Mark Cuban!

425
00:15:56,415 --> 00:15:58,166
‐ Hey, hun?
‐ Yes, darling?

426
00:15:58,166 --> 00:16:00,085
‐ I love you,
but you sound like an asshole

427
00:16:00,085 --> 00:16:01,295
when you say stuff like that.

428
00:16:01,295 --> 00:16:03,130
‐ How can I sound like an asshole
when I don't even have one?

429
00:16:03,130 --> 00:16:05,465
Also, what were you fucking me in
earlier in that one scene?

430
00:16:05,465 --> 00:16:07,843
[gasps] Dammit, I'm gooblering!
See what you made me do?

431
00:16:07,843 --> 00:16:10,220
‐ Well, you liked what I made you do
last night, slut!

432
00:16:12,723 --> 00:16:15,642
‐ This isn't gonna work, is it, Chris?
‐ I'm afraid it isn't.

433
00:16:16,143 --> 00:16:19,521
What have I done? I can't believe
I ruined what I had with Jen.

434
00:16:19,521 --> 00:16:21,940
I'm an idiot.
I al‐‐ I always do this.

435
00:16:21,940 --> 00:16:23,150
‐ Maybe it's not too late.

436
00:16:23,150 --> 00:16:24,610
May‐‐ maybe we can get you back
for the wedding.

437
00:16:24,610 --> 00:16:26,445
‐ We don't have time.
‐ We have plenty of‐‐

438
00:16:26,445 --> 00:16:29,489
Shit! We gotta hurry! I forgot time
always moves forward on this planet.

439
00:16:29,489 --> 00:16:30,449
[tires squealing]

440
00:16:31,283 --> 00:16:32,534
[horn blaring]

441
00:16:32,534 --> 00:16:33,952
RED GOOBLER:
You're such a bad driver.

442
00:16:33,952 --> 00:16:35,078
‐ I fucking hate you.

443
00:16:35,412 --> 00:16:37,039
‐ [sighs] Tell me about yourself.

444
00:16:37,039 --> 00:16:38,832
‐ Squeeeeeeee.

445
00:16:38,832 --> 00:16:41,084
‐ Wait. Jen?
‐ Reee, reee, squeee.

446
00:16:41,084 --> 00:16:41,960
‐ Dammit! You're a rat.

447
00:16:42,461 --> 00:16:43,420
‐ Squeeee.

448
00:16:43,420 --> 00:16:45,088
‐ Fuck it! I just have
to make you awesome.

449
00:16:45,088 --> 00:16:46,632
Red Goobler won't even notice
the difference.

450
00:16:48,425 --> 00:16:50,010
‐ Ree. Reeee.

451
00:16:50,010 --> 00:16:51,136
‐ Squee, squee.

452
00:16:51,136 --> 00:16:53,388
‐ That's it,
you guys sound cool as hell!

453
00:16:55,349 --> 00:16:56,350
‐ Hey, just want to say again,

454
00:16:56,350 --> 00:16:58,227
congrats on winning everything
one could win

455
00:16:58,227 --> 00:16:59,561
and doing it without cheating.

456
00:17:00,395 --> 00:17:02,064
‐ Ugh, I can't take it anymore!

457
00:17:02,064 --> 00:17:03,482
When are we going
to learn a lesson?

458
00:17:03,482 --> 00:17:05,651
‐ Usually getting away with things
makes me feel good,

459
00:17:05,651 --> 00:17:06,693
but this blows.

460
00:17:06,693 --> 00:17:09,071
Getting into USC as a long snapper
was the last straw.

461
00:17:09,071 --> 00:17:12,449
‐ Usually at this point in our adventures,
we've learned a lesson.

462
00:17:12,449 --> 00:17:14,284
I feel like ants are crawling
on my skin.

463
00:17:14,284 --> 00:17:16,787
Is it cold? Is it hot?
Oh god, I'm sweating and freezing!

464
00:17:16,787 --> 00:17:18,205
‐ We're in lesson withdrawal!

465
00:17:18,205 --> 00:17:20,749
We're gonna keep feeling this way
unless we learn some lesson.

466
00:17:20,749 --> 00:17:22,543
‐ But how? What can we do?

467
00:17:22,543 --> 00:17:24,044
‐ Wait! This whole time,
we've been cheating.

468
00:17:24,044 --> 00:17:26,713
But what if cheated
even more than ever before

469
00:17:26,713 --> 00:17:29,675
and used another sci‐fi device
to double down on cheating?

470
00:17:29,675 --> 00:17:31,301
Do we have anything
that teaches a lesson?

471
00:17:31,301 --> 00:17:33,595
‐ Well, we do have
that Lesson‐alyzer helmet,

472
00:17:33,595 --> 00:17:36,014
but, I mean, we don't wanna
use that, do we?

473
00:17:36,014 --> 00:17:37,599
[rumbling]

474
00:17:37,599 --> 00:17:38,267
[bell dings]

475
00:17:39,476 --> 00:17:40,936
Did it work?
Did you learn a lesson?

476
00:17:40,936 --> 00:17:43,063
‐ Oh yeah, and it feels amazing.

477
00:17:43,063 --> 00:17:45,399
I learned "Don't count your chickens
before they hatch."

478
00:17:45,399 --> 00:17:47,192
‐ Oooh!
Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme!

479
00:17:47,818 --> 00:17:49,903
[bell dings]
Oh yeah, that's the good stuff.

480
00:17:49,903 --> 00:17:52,197
‐ What did you get?
‐ "Beer before liquor, never sicker."

481
00:17:52,197 --> 00:17:53,615
‐ Oh, that's a good one.

482
00:17:53,615 --> 00:17:55,450
‐ You want another hit?
‐ Yeah, fuck yeah.

483
00:17:55,450 --> 00:17:57,452
‐ I need your help moving
15 to 20 rat women

484
00:17:57,452 --> 00:17:58,662
to a Red Goobler wedding. Come on!

485
00:17:58,662 --> 00:18:00,664
‐ That's the most Solar Opposites thing
I've ever heard.

486
00:18:00,664 --> 00:18:02,583
[bell dings]
‐ Ohhh yeah.

487
00:18:02,583 --> 00:18:05,002
"The thicker the cushion,
the sweeter the pushin'."

488
00:18:05,002 --> 00:18:07,171
I gotta remember that
when I'm at the couch store.

489
00:18:07,754 --> 00:18:09,256
♪ church organ music playing ♪

490
00:18:09,256 --> 00:18:12,176
♪

491
00:18:12,176 --> 00:18:14,970
‐ We must never speak about
what happened in that hotel room.

492
00:18:16,096 --> 00:18:17,055
I'm talking about the fucking.

493
00:18:17,055 --> 00:18:19,558
‐ No shit, you idiot.
Why would you bring that up right now?

494
00:18:19,558 --> 00:18:20,642
I'm about to get married.

495
00:18:20,642 --> 00:18:23,395
‐ Sorry, I just hope that you
and Jen stay happily married,

496
00:18:23,395 --> 00:18:25,105
keeping us safe
from your repressed rage.

497
00:18:25,105 --> 00:18:26,398
[door opens]

498
00:18:26,398 --> 00:18:29,151
♪

499
00:18:30,944 --> 00:18:34,281
[squeaking]

500
00:18:35,866 --> 00:18:38,619
‐ Multiple brides?
Are we doing a YouTube thing?

501
00:18:38,619 --> 00:18:41,205
[crowd gasping, screaming]
Jen! Which one's Jen?

502
00:18:41,205 --> 00:18:43,540
‐ Aw, man, if you don't know,
then I definitely don't.

503
00:18:43,540 --> 00:18:46,210
‐ She's not here!
Who the hell are these brides?

504
00:18:46,210 --> 00:18:47,961
‐ Terry, what the hell?
You‐‐ you didn't find her?

505
00:18:47,961 --> 00:18:50,797
‐ What do you mean "find her"?
What the fuck is going on?

506
00:18:50,797 --> 00:18:51,965
‐ Oh wow, where to begin.

507
00:18:51,965 --> 00:18:53,425
I turned that bitch into a rat.

508
00:18:53,425 --> 00:18:54,384
‐ What?
[bell dings]

509
00:18:54,384 --> 00:18:56,887
‐ "Ass, grass, or gas.
Nobody rides for free."

510
00:18:56,887 --> 00:19:00,098
‐ Fuck you, you Shlorpian shit bags!
You've ruined my life!

511
00:19:00,098 --> 00:19:01,308
‐ You know what,
screw you, Red Chris!

512
00:19:01,308 --> 00:19:03,268
You pillow talk told me
you didn't really love Jen.

513
00:19:03,268 --> 00:19:05,687
‐ Yeah, this wasn't our fault‐‐
Wait, pillow talk?

514
00:19:05,687 --> 00:19:07,356
Did you two doink?
‐ Nothing. Forget it.

515
00:19:07,356 --> 00:19:09,066
We banged. Shut up about it.
[bell dings]

516
00:19:09,066 --> 00:19:12,361
‐ The best way to cope
with stress is to confront it.

517
00:19:12,361 --> 00:19:15,656
Only then can you truly be happy.

518
00:19:15,656 --> 00:19:18,200
Or at least satisfied a little bit.

519
00:19:18,200 --> 00:19:20,410
‐ She's right.
You are my stress, Red Goobler.

520
00:19:20,410 --> 00:19:23,914
I, I should have never gotten caught up
trying to manage you or work with you.

521
00:19:23,914 --> 00:19:25,499
I have to set boundaries.

522
00:19:25,499 --> 00:19:26,750
By lasering your ass!

523
00:19:27,543 --> 00:19:29,044
‐ Ah!
[crowd screaming]

524
00:19:31,839 --> 00:19:32,840
‐ Get fucked!

525
00:19:33,632 --> 00:19:35,384
‐ Goddammit, now we're back
where we started.

526
00:19:35,384 --> 00:19:37,261
‐ But we all learned a valuable lesson.

527
00:19:37,261 --> 00:19:38,720
At least you did, about stress,

528
00:19:38,720 --> 00:19:40,389
and I guess the replicants did
about cheating.

529
00:19:40,389 --> 00:19:41,640
I‐I didn't learn anything at all.

530
00:19:41,640 --> 00:19:42,808
‐ Give Terry the lesson helmet

531
00:19:42,808 --> 00:19:44,560
so he can learn a lesson
like the rest of us.

532
00:19:45,602 --> 00:19:46,603
[rumbling]

533
00:19:46,603 --> 00:19:47,271
[bell dings]
‐ Whoa,

534
00:19:47,271 --> 00:19:48,814
I just learned that sometimes

535
00:19:48,814 --> 00:19:51,275
emotional stories don't fit
into a rigid structure,

536
00:19:51,275 --> 00:19:53,569
and you just have to embrace the chaos
and not worry about it.

537
00:19:53,569 --> 00:19:55,237
‐ As a family.

538
00:19:56,905 --> 00:19:58,949
♪ dramatic music playing ♪

539
00:20:17,050 --> 00:20:19,469
♪

540
00:20:19,845 --> 00:20:22,055
‐ If you feel like you haven't learned
a lesson, please visit

541
00:20:22,055 --> 00:20:26,185
www.thesolaropposites.com/lessonalyzer.

542
00:20:26,185 --> 00:20:28,937
You get the first lesson for free,
but it's on the honor system after that.

543
00:20:28,937 --> 00:20:30,397
So you have to send us money.

544
00:20:30,397 --> 00:20:32,608
And if you agree to send the money,
then you've learned a lesson.

545
00:20:32,608 --> 00:20:35,444
And if you don't, well, you're a dick
that steals from cartoons.

546
00:20:35,444 --> 00:20:38,989
♪

547
00:20:38,989 --> 00:20:41,491
♪ theme music playing ♪

548
00:20:41,491 --> 00:20:45,704
♪

549
00:21:23,325 --> 00:21:24,826
[mimicking laser fire]