♪ dramatic theme playing ♪
♪
- Goddammit, Terrance! - You rang?
- Of course, I fucking rang.
Did we or did we not decide to paint an accent ceiling?
- Yass.
- And did we or did we not decide to paint it eggshell white?
The whitest of all whites.
The Kaley Cuoco of whites.
The "calling the cops on a barbecue" of whites.
- Sounds famil.
- Then what in holy Gragnor's Crack is this?
- Hot dog consensually railing a cupcake!
Painted it last night after I smoked some meth from my English pipe.
It's a red velvet cupcake so you know it's c-lassy.
Ahh, you broke my Pipe-r Perabo!
- Ha, missed me, sucka!
- Choke on some of this lattice red paint!
TERRY: Ah, yeah! [Jesse grunting]
- Stop it! Stop it all of you!
This was supposed to be something we did as a family.
Like playing golf or when we got that portrait
where we were all in black turtlenecks and gold chains
like Death Row Records.
- Hi, Terry! - Oh, hells no.
Pupa can't join in. He always gets paint all over himself,
and then we don't know what color he really is.
- Yeah, remember when we thought he was purple
and had to sacrifice that virgin e-sports kid?
- Shame he died a virgin, but at least he wasn't buried as one.
- What's done is done.
Now, as leader of this family and unquestioned star of the show,
I decree we paint the ceiling white.
- Well, I don't decree that bullshite. Do you guys decree that?
- No! - Kree-aw from Captain Marvel?
- Okay, I've heard all of your well-thought-out arguments
and decided on a course of action.
- The fuck you gonna do with that gargoyle ray, fart face.
- Oh nothing. Just gonna freeze you guys for a while
so I can finally do what I want!
[grunting] Dammit.
- Now, Phil, Dr. Sarner said
this was the best dialysis machine.
Oh dammit, I'm so sick of those gargoyle-making aliens.
Look what they've done to us.
Our couch: gargoyle. Our TV: gargoyle.
Our dog: gargoyle.
Fucking Mr. Peaches is a symbolic gothic demon, Phil.
And those dick-faced alien kids run around all day with no supervision.
Well, I am done.
I'm calling the city before they turn you into a--
Son of a bitch!
KORVO: Planet Shlorp was the perfect utopia
until the asteroid hit.
One hundred adults and their replicants were issued a pupa
and escaped into... the space,
searching for new homes on uninhabited worlds.
We crashed on Earth, stranding us on an already overpopulated planet.
That's right. I've been talking this whole time.
I'm the one holding the Pupa. My name's Korvo.
This is-- this is my show. I just dropped the Pupa. Do you see me?
[stammers] This is ridiculous.
I hate Earth. It's a horrible home.
People are stupid and confusing.
I can't believe humans haven't solved Pi yet.
I almost want to tell you the answer because it's embarrassing for you.
Okay, it's four.
♪
- Ugh! Our water bill is crazy this month.
Why do you guys take such long showers?
Are you touching your mounds again?
You gotta stop touching it or it's gonna fall off!
- Man, this sucks! That hot dog was art.
- No, Terry, Ready Player Three is art.
Stop whining and hand me another can of white paint.
- Oh, this one? You want this one? Okay.
Yeah, just grab it. Go ahead.
- Don't make me come down there.
- Get it now. - Goddammit.
Would you give me that! - Suck a big dick!
- Whoa! [doorbell rings]
- Everyone freeze! Child Protective Services!
We got an anonymous tip that children were being turned
into gargoyles in this house.
[sobs]
CPS AGENT 2: Uh, Jim. Which one are the kids?
- Well, shit, they're drinking herbal tea and clearly paying household bills
but they're taller.
- Plus, this one feels like she has an old soul.
- Huh?
- [yelling] She says you have an old soul!
- Pshhh. Ahh.
- Only one way to find out who's a kid and who's not.
- Okay, we gave you IQ tests
and you two scored the lowest, so you must be the kids.
- That's bullshit, you know these tests are culturally biased
against plant-based lifeforms.
- I don't test well! I have attention deficit dis--
Oh, I love your jacket! Where did you get that?
Is that Topman?
- This is for the best.
The accent ceiling is just a white symbol for how much you guys don't get me.
I need to be with people who... are going in that sweet-looking van?
- Shotgun! - Fuck you, Terry.
[grunting] - Hey.
Ah. Stop it.
Ah, ow. Ow, ow, ow, ow.
Ow, ow, ow, I said.
- What's going to happen to them?
- If they're lucky, they'll be lost in the system,
then end up on the street,
sucking and fucking their way to a dollar and a cent.
- Oh man, that sounds like Terry. He's gonna thrive.
- What can we do? - Forget about those kids.
Go on with your life.
Buy a Jimmy John's franchise or a Jersey Mike's. Maybe a Blimpie's?
Anything in the fast casual sandwich space.
That's my side hustle. Let me know.
[van door closes] [engine starts]
- You think Terry and Korvo are gonna be okay?
- I really hope so. I like them.
- Today is gonna be one of those weird Solar Opposites days, right?
- You betcha! Probably best to just roll with it.
Last one to the school bus is a deviled egg!
CPS AGENT 1: Welcome to CPS HQ.
To save money, we share office space with a Wing Stop.
You're lucky, the cops have to share with a Jiffy Lube.
OFFICER 1: Motherfucker! OFFICER 2: Freeze!
- Wing Stop for da win! Yay-yay!
- I'm still mad at you but in this one case, you are spot on.
These Mango Habanero ones are the T-I-Ts.
- Bet they would taste great with some Terry sauce.
- Oh hell yes. Gimme!
- It's too bad you can't have any because you ruined my painting!
[squirts]
- Did you see what that kid just did?
I think we might finally have one for "Project Dark Brilliance."
My Little Pony omega code three.
Franklin, get him ready for transport.
YUMYULACK: Oh shit! JESSE: Oh no!
- What in the fuck are you two cocknobbers doing in the hallway?
- Oww!
- Wait, I thought the Stacis weren't bullying us anymore.
- That's because our bullies union was in negotiation with the teachers union,
but we struck a deal that says we can smoke cigarettes
and bully kids on Wednesday.
- Ah jeepers, it's Humpday.
You gotta admire these ladies.
By outsourcing their bullying, they keep their hands clean.
- It's called plausible deniability, bitches!
I learned it from my dad!
- Principal Cooke, can you please tell the Stacis to stop this?
- I can't be talking to any students today.
I am not in a good place.
Oh. Why! Why does the world hate me?
- Geez Louise, we gotta get our life together
or we're gonna end up just like that sad bastard.
- The only way we'll ever beat the Stacis of the world
is by understanding how they think.
- We could use the Psyche Ray to get inside their heads.
- I smell what you're dealing, and I like it.
- Okay, now boy alien tell girl alien how gross her ankles are.
- They look like mushy green straws.
- Hyah! [Yumyulack grunts]
- See, Kevin, that's how you land like a boss.
Go cry to your whore mother.
Hey, where's Terry? Is he dead? Is he in Kentucky?
- Terry is special, and he went to a school for special kids.
- Okay, but I thought we couldn't call them "special" anymore
because of Antifa.
What about me?
- We've found you a great home with a very nice couple.
- And I'll be their only child? The center of their attention?
The apple of their eye? The star of their spin-off?
- Uh, sure. He's a CPA, woo!
And she is in charge of writing instructions
for all Best Buy branded refridge--
- Shut up, you had me at Best Buy branded refridge.
[gulping]
[foreboding music playing] [crow cawing]
[beeping]
- Dr. Weatherstone, how are the new recruits looking?
- Too early to tell, sir.
Subject Delta 2 looks to be able to summon fire from his penis.
Subject Gamma 4 can move a pineapple with her brain.
And Theta 5 does a mean Robert De Niro impression.
- [mimicking Robert De Niro] I have nipples, can you milk me, Greg?
- That's one of the easy impressions, like Kermit.
Throw her in the kiln.
- But it's Vega 6 that's got real potential.
His numbers are off the charts. Check this out.
- New York, Atlanta, OC, Dallas, DC,
Bev Hills, Miami, SLC, DC--
[speeding up] DC, OC, OC, NYC, Bev Hills, Potomac, Miami, SLC--
- He got all the Real Housewives.
No kid has ever been able to do a perfect RHO sequence.
He's the one.
- He's special, but he's also an innocent.
You can see it in his eyes. I'm worried he won't make it.
- Let me make this clear, Dr. Weatherstone.
I don't care that you're the most attentive lover I've ever had,
I make the rules around here.
Prep him for surgery.
Some crazy evil shit is about to go down.
[door closes] - This is wrong.
Someone has to do something, and soon, or we're all--
[alarm beeps] Oh, lunchtime!
Taco salad, come to mama!
[door opens, closes]
- Listen up!
I am Officer Clark.
This is my partner, Officer McGar.
We both served two tours in Afghanistan.
I'm only going to say this once!
We are so fucking
happy for you guys!
You're all going to loving homes and families!
Ha, ha, ha! Oh, and these aren't shotguns,
they're candy cannons!
Boom! Boom! Sweetarts for everyone! [kids cheering]
♪ dramatic music playing ♪
♪
TOUR GUIDE: Fun fact, the tunnel scenes for Daylight were filmed right here
due to tax rebates and the fact that Sly Stallone got chlamydia
from visiting a New York bathhouse that he still frequents to this day!
[groaning]
[engine revving]
[tires squealing]
- I have been assured my new family will allow me
to paint an accent ceiling the color of my choosing.
- My new family said I could only stain a chair.
- Sucks for you, Belinda.
[tires squealing]
[all screaming]
[tires squealing]
- Oh god, I was wrong. It sucks for all of us!
[metallic creaking]
- Is this part of the tour?
- Great question. But actually, no.
- It's just one of those horrible coincidences,
like when the people on the Fast and Furious 3D ride
all had sex with Tyrese.
- But I am part of the tour!
- Holy shit, it's fuckin' Sly!
- That's right, it's me, Sly Stallone.
Sometimes I get bored of all the charity work I do.
I like to ride the bus undercover and see how people react.
[rumbling]
Come on, let's get you out of here!
- Don't fucking touch me, Sylvester Stallone.
Don't you know who I am? I'm Korvo! I do the hero shit around here!
[eating noisily]
[gasps]
[sighs]
- Okay, I'm gonna go in and make sure Staci K. is alone,
then I'll give you the signal.
Wait for it. - Wh-wh-what's the signal?
- I don't know, I'm just making this shit up as I go along.
[sizzling]
- Principal Cooke?
Uh, what are you doing?
- This is the only place that has a strong enough power outlet
for my hotplate.
Please don't tell on me.
If I get caught cooking beans and eggs on school grounds again, I'll lose my job.
This is all I have!
- Die, motherfucker! - No, wait!
[screaming]
[farts]
- Well, this day just took a turn.
But I guess this is exactly what I thought
a boring principal's brain would look like.
- Ugh. Even basic thinks this is basic.
- How do we get out of here?
- Good thing I read the Psyche Ray manual
so I know what to do.
- Yeah, I read it too.
But maybe explain the rules to me as if I was, like, someone
who binge-watches premium streaming TV.
- Yay, you.
All we have to do is find Cooke's inner child,
and he will lead us out.
- Seems simple enough.
JESSE: Aw jeez, turns out Principal Cooke is hella deep.
♪
- Son, I wish your mom had miscarried you when she got kicked in the stomach
by that Budweiser Clydesdale.
- Wow. I just thought Principal Cooke was a big bag of sad
'cause he had to work with kids, but he clearly has daddy issues!
Surprised he's not workin' a pole.
- I don't know, I think his dad seems rad.
Hey, is that the Inner Child? [growls]
- I don't think so. Check out that Fudgsicle.
Cooke went crazy when it spilled before.
This must be Cooke's Temper Monster!
It's fueled by all his anger.
If he catches us, we'll never get out of the psyche!
[roars]
[screaming]
[shivering]
[grunts] [can clatters]
- Hey Dr. W., has anyone ever told you,
you look just like that girl from the movies.
- Amy Adams? Rachel McAdams? - No. No.
- Elizabeth Banks? Emma Stone? - Nah.
- No. Oh, it's Kathy Bates!
- What? Forget it. I've decided to break you out. To save you.
- But I love it here.
I got my Switch, and they let me paint my accent ceiling any color I want!
- [Dr. Weatherstone gasps] Oh wow, that's fucking classy.
But look, Terry, you're too special for this place.
Trust me, they are going to do terrible stuff to you
if you stay here.
[whispers]: Butt stuff.
- [gasps] But I don't have a butt!
- That's even worse! Come on!
[alarm blaring]
[engine starts]
MAN ON RADIO: The tunnel is closed due to a cinematic crash.
There seems to be some sort of Daylight situation going on.
- Dammit, the tunnel was our way out!
- I don't understand what's happening right now!
♪
- Okay, Sylvester Stallone, I've got places to be and families to join.
This is big boy time, and you and I are clearly the alpha dogs here.
The main men, the stinkiest poops.
What's our plan to save the day?
- Listen, little blue boy, go back with the other orphans
and let an 11-time Golden Raspberry Award-winning actor take care of this.
- Not good enough, Demolition Man, I need the deets.
- Okay, I promise I will get all of you out of here alive.
It's not gonna be easy, some of you will die,
but if we can swim through the water
without getting eaten by the tunnel alligators,
then as God as my witness, I will save all of your lives.
Except most of you, who will probably die.
- Pfft! That sounds super fucking lame.
First, tunnel alligators don't exist, only rats that cook French food.
B, everyone should come with me 'cause I'm an alien,
I'm a leader, and I know leader shit.
Like, um, heat signatures. Huh? Huh? That's pretty cool.
Who's impressed? I know that guy is.
[rumbling]
- We'll go with you. - Good luck, suckers.
Hope you're not Expendable! Get it?
♪
[electricity crackling]
- Told you this would be way cooler than whatever Rocky IV is doing.
[metallic creaking] [all scream]
- You sure this is safe? - Yeah, man, don't be such a--
[growling] Holy fuck, tunnel gators!
I knew it! I'll save you!
[men screaming]
You guys got this, right?
- No, we don't have it! Come back!
[Temper Monster growling]
[thudding footsteps]
- I think we're lost! None of this was in the manual!
- Wait, I know what this is. It's Super Mario 64, right?
- I don't know boomer shit like that!
- Come on, if we wanna get out of here, we have to jump into the paintings.
- Are you sure?
- I've never been more sure of anything in my entire life.
[both grunt]
- Stop trying to play the trumpet.
You are going to be a principal. That's why I named you Principal.
- Oh my god, Principal Cooke's name is Principal Principal Cooke?
[playing off-tune]
- I told you to stop playing!
You'll never be as good as Trumpet, your brother, and he's dead!
[slams door]
[grunting]
[rumbling] [screams]
- Keep trying, you piece of shit! Keep trying!
You've killed everybody else!
You know what, you haven't killed me!
- Mr. Stallone, who are you talking to?
- I actually don't know who I was talking to.
It's from my best movie, 1996's Daylight.
Have you heard of it?
- Uh, maybe you were yelling at the tunnel itself
because it's kind of the bad guy character in the movie.
- Exactly! Like how Paris is a character in London Has Fallen.
Yo! What the hell are you doing back here?
- I saved those other guys and came back to save all of you
'cause I'm sure Stallone cocked it all up.
[rumbling] [Korvo screams]
Fuck!
- Hold on! I'll save you!
- Yeah, hold on! I'm saving you!
- That's literally impossible!
- You're literally impossible! [grunts]
[Stallone screaming]
- Sly! No!
- You guys saw that. I tried to save him.
Th-there was nothing I could do!
I'm the leader now. L-let's go.
- Look!
[Stallone grunts] - That asshole ran off and left me to die!
- Not true. No. I-I-I went to get help.
[rumbling]
- We have to get out now. We don't have time for this.
- But we do have time for me to make a dramatic speech.
When we first met,
we were a bunch of beautiful strangers thrown together
in an impossible situation.
But now, we are tunnel brothers and sisters.
Some of us may have sex with--
Ah! - That's what I'm talking about!
[rumbling]
♪ dramatic music playing ♪
♪
- Hurr!
[firing]
[screaming]
- [yawns] Where are we, Kathy Bates?
- No idea. Let's get some food and get back on the road.
I made contact with "The Genius Initiative."
They're a secret group that protects specials like you.
I've thrown away everything I ever worked for for you, Terry.
I'm going to be with you the whole time.
I couldn't have my own children 'cause I was kicked in the stomach
by a Budweiser Clydesdale.
I'm gonna be your Mommy now.
God, I've waited all my life to say that!
- [yawns] Whatevs. Let's eat.
I got a hankering for a Salisbury Steak or maybe some Sand Dabs.
Definitely in need of a large glass of scotch.
- Wait, what? Scotch? Sand Dabs? No kid would ever eat that.
- BevMo Card, Kleenex, ticket stub to a Counting Crows concert,
a fucking digital camera!
You're not a special kid!
- Doy. I never said I was a kid.
- Holy shit, what have I done?
[grunts]
- What about my Nintendo?
[grunts] [tires squealing]
Switchy!
- Whoa. Principal Cooke has seen some darkness.
Now I kinda like him. - Me too!
All he ever wanted to do was play the trumpet,
but his Dad was a big fat piece of shit.
Maybe we were meant to be here.
Maybe today is about seeing people through their eyes
and not how we perceive them.
Maybe if we help Principal Cooke, we'll get out alive
and with a better understanding of how a life not lived
can crush a man's soul.
- Okay, that is way too bleak for me.
This isn't Bojack Horseman.
[Temper Monster growling] Oh shit.
We're running out of time!
- This has gotta be it. Cooke's playroom when he was a kid.
Look, PPC: Principal Principal Cooke.
[growling]
- There's the Inner Child!
- What the teets?
- I think it's an American Boy doll they released in the '70s.
DOLL: I'm going to find a wife that will cook and clean
while I'm out screwing my Brazilian secretary!
[thudding footsteps] [both scream]
[roaring]
COOKE: Did I burn down the girls' bathroom
making beef stew on my hot plate?
Yes. Yes, I did.
The question we should really be asking is:
was the beef stew good?
No. No, it was not.
- You were told not to cook at school anymore.
I don't care if beef stew is my third favorite stew,
I have no choice but to fire--
[babbling]
[moaning]
[grunting]
- This is Cooke's room. And these are Cooke's toys, right?
If the Temper Monster can control them,
then maybe he is actually the Inner Child.
- Yes! Cooke must have so much residual anger and regret
that his child turned into the monster.
- Of course! The answer is jazz!
- Goddammit! Why is the answer always fucking jazz?
- Hey, bud. Remember what you wanted to be.
It's not too late. You can still be like Trumpet, you know.
- Huh.
- Quick, Yum, what do you know about jazz?
You watched all of Treme.
- That's just 'cause I love Steve Zahn.
But I think you just make a lot of noises, and that counts as jazz.
Scrippity-doo-doo, bee-bop!
Scrippity-doo-doo, bee-bop--
- This feels really disrespectful and borders on cultural misappropriation!
- In this one case, it's okay!
[both scatting]
[sighs]
- It's working! - We're getting out of here!
[crying]
- Trumpet! I miss my dead brother!
It should've been me that died in that vat of cookie dough at Mrs. Fields!
- Cooke, what's wrong with you?
- I'm sorry, the only way I can describe it is through jazz!
[scatting]
♪ Get it? ♪
[all applauding]
- We get it now. Jazz made us totally get it.
- Our work here is done. BOTH: Ah.
- STACI K: What the fuck are you doing in our hallway?
To the bleachers now!
- Ah, son of a bitch, it's still Wednesday I guess.
[grunts]
♪
- Click.
♪
[indiscernible radio chatter]
- Hey, Korvo. Sorry I roundhouse kicked you in the head.
I just had to do what a leader does.
You know, it's moments like this, moments of crisis,
when you find out who you really are and where you belong.
- Wow, Sylvester Stallone, I never thought of it that way.
- I learned that from Dolly Parton on the set of Rhinestone
when a grip was choking on an egg roll.
I froze up. But Dolly didn't.
She saved that fat man's life.
That was the moment I realized she was the star,
and I was not... gonna get a look at those massive hooters.
Anyway. I'm out. You need a ride somewhere?
- Yes, I do. I need to go home to my family.
That's where I belong. Holy shit.
Is that the truck from Over The Top?
- Yep. I keep everything from my films.
I got the plans for my escape from Escape Plan in the cab.
You wanna see them? - Hell fuckin' yes!
Hey, w-will you autograph my neck?
What a day.
You want to know what I learned? - No one's asking.
- I learned that every story can't be through your eyes.
You can't always be the star.
Sometimes you have to be the funny-talking foreigner,
like Rob Schneider in every movie for a hot second.
- What about Deuce Bigalow? He was the lead in that one.
- And The Animal. Oh, and The Hot Chick.
- Man, Schneider had a lot of swings at the plate.
- He's got star quality!
Look, I've been the lead in this family for far too long.
It's time for someone else.
Terry, this is very hard for me,
we can paint the accent ceiling whatever you want it to be.
- What's an accent ceiling?
- Wow, Korvo. Yum and I kinda learned the same thing as you.
- I love it when a theme comes together!
- Goddammit, Pupa. What did I tell you about the paint?
- He's a total mess.
- Have you just been sitting around here all day getting dirty, ya little shit?
- Why are you such a lazy sack of shit, Pupa? Answer me!
[all shouting]
[thunder rumbling]
- Trumpet, I know I haven't tooted you in ages.
All my life, I thought I was the one that should have died in that Mrs. Fields.
But now I realize, no, you were supposed to die
and I was supposed to live
so I could give the world this!
[inhales deeply]
[playing off-tune]
Shit!
[playing off-tune]
Fuck!
[playing off-tune]
♪ dramatic theme playing ♪
♪
[mimicking laser fire]