♪ dramatic theme playing ♪
♪
[screams]
- Is that a fucking mosquito?
[screeches]
- Run!
♪ dramatic music playing ♪
[screeches]
Ugh! It fucking slimed me!
- I'm not a goddamn runner!
I have flat feet and a super-long torso!
[grunts]
- Aah! - What the shit!
[screeches]
[growls]
[both grunt] - My skin is burning!
[both scream]
[screeching]
[Halk grunts] CHERIE: What the hell?
- You got skeeter saliva on you.
Scrub it, or you'll itch for a week.
Come with me if you want to larva.
You know, 'cause baby mosquitoes are larva and the movie--
Uh, whatever, just let's go so you don't die.
KORVO: Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia.
Until the asteroid hit.
One hundred adults and their replicants were issued a Pupa
and escaped into, uh, the space,
searching for new homes on uninhabited worlds.
We crashed on Earth, stranding us on an already overpopulated planet.
That's right, I've been talking this whole time.
I'm the one holding the Pupa. My name's Korvo.
This is-- this is my show. I just dropped the Pupa. Do you see me?
[stammers] This is ridiculous.
I hate Earth. It's a horrible home.
People are stupid and confusing.
Why do you let Tom Cruise do all his own stunts?
The man's going to get himself killed.
Please, Mr. Cruise, if you're within the sound of my voice,
scale it back.
You're the greatest entertainer the world has ever known.
And I'm sure your beliefs are reasonable too.
I haven't looked into it.
♪
[panting]
[grunting]
- Ah.
[gasps]
[straining]
[grunts]
[machinery whirring]
- Mm.
The winner of the house smoothie challenge is... Terry.
- What? - Yes, biatches! I only used vodka!
- In what world does my Hot Meatloaf Smoothie not win?
Taste it again. That's real-ass butter, son.
[all scream]
- Eat meatloaf, monster!
JESSE: Please stop!
- Jesse! What the hell happened to our Emily in Paris body suit?
- Guys, I was undercover in the human suit
when I overheard huge news.
- There's a Ray Donovan cast reunion?
- No. - Then what the fuck, Jesse?
- There I was, doing hard investigative journalism
on why humans like hummus and then suddenly--
KORVO: Snore. Skip to the end!
JESSE: I heard that our town might be listed by Parade Magazine
as one of the Ten Nicest Places to Live!
And the judges are coming this week!
KORVO: Don't care. This is a horrible use of a flashback.
- And our family was not invited to the giant town photo.
- What... - The... - Hell!
- We weren't invited to something? Now I fucking care.
- Hold up, everyone hold your butts.
You sure they're talking about The Solars?
Or was it The Kohlers, those kitchen sink CEOs down the block?
'Cause last time I checked, this town straight-up loves us.
We totally settled this with Nanobot Man, 'member?
The whole people liking us stuff?
- And I'm basically the moral center of this town.
That's why I gave the mayor my Yum-signal
in case they ever need my vigilante services.
[siren wailing in distance]
[bird coos]
- Yumyulack, you're the moral center of dick.
And, Jesse, your sources suck.
Why are we fucking paying for that journalism MBA
from Grand Canyon University? - It's true!
People are afraid of us 'cause we're always zapping them
into random things.
- "Zapping"? Please. I don't zap. Name one time.
- When you turned people who love dinner parties into bottles of wine.
- Look at how tight my calves were.
- And remember Terry turning Red Goobler's fiancée into a rat?
- Who is framing these?
- That was a couple of losers who deserved it.
But this idea that the entire town is scared of us is batshit.
Watch, I-I-I'll prove it to you.
- See? The mailman is delivering our mail like he does for everybody.
From a safe distance, with an LA Sparks-branded T-shirt cannon.
What up, Franklin!
- Please don't turn me into horsey sauce
like you did to Doug, who used to have this route!
- Well, maybe Doug shouldn't have crinkled my magazines!
- Hang on. I'm sensing a pattern. [men gasp]
That group of tough guys wearing Judas Priest shirts
crossed the street only after they saw us.
And is this why planes never fly over our house?
Harrison Ford has crashed into every yard on this street except ours.
[tires screeching]
- And did you guys ever notice how the Pupa only has "away-game" playdates?
- [gasps] Wait a fucking minute.
Is that DoorDash guy delivering food
straight to Kevin's door?
I thought the "Dash" was on us!
- I always have to pick it up from DoorDash HQ in San Francisco.
The ramen turns into a cold brick by the time I get home.
- Fam, we gotta fix this. I want that hot Dash!
- Jesse, you're always annoyingly preachy about kindness.
Teach us how not to be jerks.
- First lesson: say please.
- No, I'm the goddamn boss.
Put a dime in the "Know Your Place" jar, you snizz.
- Oh, this ain't gonna be easy.
- Hey, isn't this where we had our Shlorpian sexual harassment training?
Who was the hot guy who ran it?
Real strong shoulders,
like cum gutters on the roof, know what I'm sayin'?
- Listen up, maggots!
I only have 23 hours to teach you some empathy
before Parade Magazine judges this town!
[ticks]
This is a paintball gun that represents our sci-fi rays.
Repeat after me. I will not use this--
[firing] [Pupa gulps]
- I need more paintballs, woman!
Please. [Pupa burps]
[alarm blares]
- Okay, Korvo. You're at a car shop.
And this mechanic's gonna tell you what's wrong with your car.
- This piece of cardboard shit thinks he knows more than me?
JESSE: We're just gonna listen to him.
- You see, when the warning light goes on,
that means there's a problem.
- I know what a warning light is, cocksnot!
JESSE: Ah-ah-ah. Patience.
Remember, he's just trying to help.
This here's yer spark plug.
Ya want me to write those words down for ya?
- Bitch! JESSE: Hear him out.
- That'll be $300.
[screams] [firing]
[alarm blares]
- Okay. Terry, you're in an Uber pool.
- Wow, how frugal of me. I'm growing already!
JESSE: All you need to do is make it across the room.
- Okay, I see what's happening.
These Red Sox fans are gonna yammer on about Beantown,
and you think I'm gonna turn them into chowda or some shit.
But joke's on you, kid, because I love Boston.
That's why I got a We Bought a Zoo Matt Damon tattoo inside my lip!
So start her up, Jesse. Gimme your worst!
CARDBOARD SOX FAN 1: Did you hear what happened at the end
of Fast and Furious 10: 10 Fast, 10 Furious?
- Ahh. No spoilers! Stop the car!
JESSE: Stay calm and use your words.
- I heard Vinnie Diesel steals the Space Shuttle.
- Remove your mouths from your faces!
- I couldn't believe they killed--
- I will burn every last Dunkin Donuts in this hemisphere,
you Guinness-blooded dem-apple havers!
[firing]
[alarm blares] [Pupa gasps, gulps]
[whistling sigh]
JESSE: Okay, we're gonna make this real simple.
Just order from the menu.
- I'd like a grilled cheese... please.
JESSE: That's the ticket!
- Would you like mozzarella, American, provolone--
[Yumyulack screams] [paintball gun fires]
- Why would you do that?
- Come on! Cheddar wasn't even in their top three!
[whistling]
CHERIE: Jesus. This was the prison level.
You can still see the tally marks on the walls.
Oh god, this guy only made it one day.
That's depressing.
- Well, prisons in the time of The Duke, yeah.
But now, it's home.
Come on! You must be starving.
- What the hell are we doing?
Do I need to remind you that the last people we followed
ate Joe Sanders?
- Dude. That's the Janitor. He was one of the first people in the Wall.
- So?
- So, he must know how to stop the mosquitoes.
- We did what we came to do. The power is on. Let's go home.
- And put my baby to sleep every night
knowing that at any second a dumpster Dracula could suck her dry?
Fuck that. Who knows how many there are?
- Well, there's about ten by your feet right now.
[gasps, screams]
[larva squeals]
- How do we kill them all?
- You can't. I'll show you why.
[Janitor whistles]
- Hell no. Absolutely not.
No goddamn respect.
No one listens, fucking bugs spittin' on me and shit--
- So... How'd we do?
- You all failed miserably!
- Uh, recount much?
- Not one of you thought about another person's feelings!
The Parade Magazine judges will be here in a few hours!
[ticks]
- Whatever. Who cares if we're not invited.
I say we photobomb these losers.
- Hard agree.
What if we turn everyone who was shitting on us into actual Polaroids?
I can whip up a ray gun that will-- - Brill, Korvo.
- You leave me no choice.
I invoke Taro Nedgerton!
[all gasp] [Pupa coughs]
- You're banishing us?
- A Shlorpian can only invoke Taro Nedgerton once in a lifetime.
You can't just willy-nilly invoke Taro Nedgerton.
- We did it the first day we landed and now we can't invoke shite.
- I invoke! [blows whistle]
KORVO: Don't do this, Jesse! Please!
AISHA: Banished Shlorpians must remain
in the brainwashing room for a full solar cycle.
- A year?
AISHA: Or until you assholes learn empathy.
- A year?
AISHA: Commencing sympathy re-education in three, two--
♪ upbeat music playing ♪ [all scream]
KORVO: Why is a puppy friends with an otter?
They don't share a habitat!
YUMYULACK: The rainbows! They burn my eyes!
- Now everyone in town can be who they want
without sci-fi messing up their life.
TERRY: Okay, I think it's over--
Oh no. Babies discovering bubbles!
[all scream]
- Oh god no. Marlo! Marlo, get back here!
Not the aliens' house.
Anywhere but the aliens' house!
Shit, shit, shit. Oh god, oh god, oh god.
- Hi there, neighbs!
- Oh god, I'm sorry! The leash slipped. Please don't tell Korvo. Oh god.
- You don't have to worry about my family anymore.
They're all hella locked up. Have a fun day!
[humming]
- Hey! Remember those dicks who turned me into a gummy bear last year?
- It was technically a Swedish Fish.
I tried to bone you in the gummy butt.
It was the second craziest 9-11 of my life.
- Well, they're all locked up! We can be jerks again!
[all chuckle] ♪ electronic music playing ♪
ALL: [howling] Jeeerks!
[man grunts]
[girl screams]
- Jeeerks!
Jeeerks!
- Jerk! Jerk! Jerk! Jerk! Jerk!
Jerks!
[howling]
[howling continues]
- Jerk! Jerk! Jerk! Jeeerks!
- Now generally, I'm a dark meat guy.
But when it comes to skeetos, you want that sweet yellow meat.
- So you're kinda like Quint from Jaws, but for bugs?
- Hey, that's what I'm going for.
I got bored making diaphragms
out of the lambskin scraps Yumyulack gives us.
So now I come down to the lower levels, catch a bug,
go back up, sell its meat at the meat market.
All this time, you thought you were eating turkey jerky.
But no, that is grade-A mosquito.
- Mm. This is good.
- Gotta use all parts of the skee-buffalo.
Steaks from the thorax. Netting from the wings.
Check this out: Would you believe this hat
used to be a mosquito's head?
You can't fight nature. You gotta learn to live with it.
- I really think the point of all humanity is that you don't.
- Take it from a First Gen Wallian. I've seen it all.
We went from gum boys to the Tim era.
Now we're blessed with mosquito protein.
These disgusting monsters are our future.
This is how we rid ourselves
of our reliance on the aliens' candy.
- Mm, this tastes just like a freshly microwaved Bob Evans!
- We gotta convince Parliament to protect these bugs.
It's the only way the Wall can be in harmony with itself.
- Mm.
Goddammit. Yeah, this is delicious.
- Ugh. We've had a good run, Maddie.
But this town no longer needs its Civic Responsibility Manager.
I can't believe my life's work was to create
the world's first Jerk Monitoring System,
and now I'll never get to use it.
But now that we're up for Top Ten Nicest Places to Live,
there are no more jerks to be monitored.
- Do you want me to unplug it?
- Please. I can't bear it.
[beep] Wait!
[beeping]
The jerks, the jerks are filling up the streets!
No, no, they aren't hiding anymore.
The jerks are on the move!
Get me the mayor!
If we don't act now, here's how many jerks we'll be at in ten minutes.
Twenty minutes.
And in an hour's time, we'll have completely lost our city.
Oh god. We might be too late.
Kid Rock just announced he's bringing
his Make America Squirt Again festival to our town!
[gasps] - Well, I know what I need to do.
I'm gonna sleep with my mistress in my own bed!
Jeeerks! THOM: Wow.
All this time, the mayor was a jerk.
That's a political first. It's up to us now, Maddie.
[blows]
- Nope. It's up to you now! You're fat. Byeee!
- The town is full of jerks, and Parade Magazine is coming today.
We have to do something before they-- [airplane whooshing]
Oh no.
Oh god, no!
- Hey. Bones writer.
- Man, how long was I asleep?
Those skeeto poppers really knocked me out.
- Whoa. What the hell?
- Your partner's lost her cool-haircut head. Untie me.
- Hey, psycho, what's with the hostage?
- The Janitor needed to be taken out of the equation, he'll be fine.
- We were his guests! What equation?
- E equals kill every mosquito.
- What? We can feed the whole Wall.
- Anything that can hurt Pezlie needs to be destroyed.
- Jesus, Cherie, how many more people have to die
because you have to nuke every threat?
- Well, maybe you could start helping with some threats.
I thought you were a hero.
- I've never wanted to be a hero!
That's it. I'm done. I'm going home.
- You can't quit! We're partners!
- My wife is my partner.
I never should have left her behind. - Fine! Fuck it!
Go! - Don't you get it?
There's always gonna be another battle.
It'll never end! - Then I'll keep fighting!
- What's the point of fighting for your family
if you never get to be with your family?
Go home, Cherie. Before you make that baby an orphan.
- So this is where we are, huh?
You're just like Tim. And The Duke.
- You don't know shit about Ringo.
- We've been given a blessing!
But you're too busy "leading" to see it.
Liars, always holding on to power with your stupid lies.
- No, I got rid of all the liars.
- If you think that, then you don't know who's lying to you.
- Oh, shut up. [grunts] [Janitor groans]
Mm. Ugh, this would be so much easier if this wasn't so delicious.
♪ dramatic music playing ♪
♪
- Okay, Pupa. Let's go get in that town photo.
Now that the three biggest town jerks are locked in our ship,
we can be free to-- [squishing]
Eww! [gasps]
[people shouting] [glass shatters]
[cheering]
- Listen to this dream I had last night.
It's super long, and you're totally not in it.
[laughs]
[thud]
- What's happening?
There's a lot of people around in summer scarves!
- Those aliens who turned us into iguanas last year are gone!
- We totally deserved it, too.
But now, the jerks are back, baybee!
[howling]
- Oh no, I was wrong!
Korvo, Terry, and Yum weren't the problem, they were the solution!
- Ahh! I tried arson, but it backfired!
Oh god! Ahh!
♪
- Hey! Emily in Paris!
This is how it will look in five minutes.
In ten minutes. - I don't have time for this!
Goddammit.
♪
That's the silhouette he chose?
[all sobbing]
- I get it now. I fucking love empathy!
- Yes, we've seen soldiers surprising their kids at the airport,
and we double-watched Scrooged.
It expanded every heart I have!
AISHA: Hold up. Got a message for Yum.
- Oh my god, the town finally needs its moral center!
- Aisha, release us! AISHA: I don't think you're ready.
- Fam, I was wrong!
Jerks have totally taken over, and only you assholes can save this town!
- Come on, Ai-eesh, we need to get out!
- Come on, sister girl, we're running out of time!
AISHA: Jesus, you fucking aliens get into some stupid shit.
Okay, we can skip to the final test.
I ordered a pizza, all you gotta do is talk to the delivery guy
and get your pizza. Okay?
- Wow, that's it?
- Easy. Not even hungry.
AISHA: Also, he's two hours late.
- What? Where the fuck's my 'za?
- Come on, you guys can do this.
As of now, I believe in you!
[doorbell rings]
[spits]
- Ah! My Teen Titans collector vases!
- Ugh. Let's get this over with.
- Hello, pizza representative.
PIZZA DUDE: Uh yeah, I got a pizza
for Korn, Larry, and HackitySack.
- Call me by my Christian name!
- No, no, calm your tits, Yumyulack. This can be done.
Thank you.
AISHA: Cute. Now tip him.
- For not doing his job?
- Come on. We gotta get out of here. The city needs me.
- Uh, does it go any lower than ten percent?
No, ten is the bottom? Of course it is.
[beep] Okay, we did it, open the doors.
AISHA: Give him five stars.
- What? - Fuck off!
I can't. A perfect five-star rating means something, dammit.
- Okay, if I've learned anything today,
it's that empathy isn't about doing the correct thing.
It's about skipping what makes sense to make someone else feel good.
Come on, what would Scrooged do?
- He would... think about what other people want
and give them that because he's actually Santa.
- Yes! Wait, what? No, did you even watch the movie?
- No, I had my eyes closed the whole time, but I remember the poster.
[dings]
- Yeah! - Alright!
- It's empathy time, motherfuckers. Let's get decent!
♪ What the world needs now ♪
♪ Is love, sweet love ♪
[horn honks]
♪ It's the only thing ♪
♪ That there's just too little of ♪
♪ What the world needs now ♪
♪ Is love ♪
♪ Sweet love ♪
♪ No, not just for some ♪
[screams]
[yelping]
[both scream]
[beeping]
- Oh my god, I did it.
All the jerks are gone!
Which means
I get to be the only jerk in town!
[evil laughter]
What a fuckin' reveal!
♪ serene music playing ♪
- Whoa, our town looks gorgeous!
- Yeah, we empathized the fuck outta this place.
[vehicles approach]
- In all my time as a Parade judge,
I have never seen nicer townfolk.
Surely the Top Ten will include the gorgeous city of GeenaDavisville.
[seagulls squawking]
- Yeah! MAN: Check it out,
I'm giving this fountain a golden shower!
JESSE: Oh no, this is bad.
[grunts] [coins clatter]
- [blows] Sorry.
Please continue.
- Oh my god.
Did you just turn that man into coins?
♪
- Aw, I love our family pics. Really makes this house a home.
- Ah yes, every time I walk by this picture,
I'll remember what a total bag of shit that guy was.
- Fudgeballs. After all that,
I can't believe we didn't get listed in the Ten Nicest Places to Live.
We could've been on the cover!
- Nah, son! This cover is way better.
"Town's Moral Center Saves Everyone's Ass."
Oooh! One-- no, two-- no, three-- no, four!
Four recipes for creamy chowders?
Yeah, baby!
[Cherie grunts] [squealing]
No. Ow. No, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
[choking, coughing]
[Halk grunts]
- Halk! You came back.
- You know me. [larva squeals]
Always the hero.
[both grunt] [larvae squeal]
- There are way too many! - The lighter!
We can use the fluid!
One... two...
[larvae squealing]
- Good teamwork... partner.
[crack]
- What was-- [crack]
- The floor! Run!
[screaming]
♪
[mimicking laser fire]