1
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♪ dramatic music playing ♪

2
00:00:05,026 --> 00:00:07,028
♪

3
00:00:09,030 --> 00:00:10,615
‐ Do you know why you're here?

4
00:00:10,615 --> 00:00:14,160
‐ It's probably 'cause Yumyulack
did something to get us in trouble,

5
00:00:14,160 --> 00:00:15,620
as per "uush."

6
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‐ Oh, you mean something awesome
you tattle on me for?

7
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‐ I'm no snitch!

8
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‐ Then why are you getting stitches?

9
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[both arguing]

10
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‐ Oh my God, shut up!

11
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You both ruined the school year
with your weird science.

12
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‐ You trapped the chess team
in an alternative dimension,

13
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reanimated all the fetal pigs,
and we can't prove this,

14
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but we're reasonably confident that
you gave Miss Kim a three‐month period

15
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after she took away your glowing orb.

16
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‐ Snitch!
‐ Not today!

17
00:00:38,726 --> 00:00:40,019
‐ Die! Die! Die!
‐ No, you don't. No, you don't.

18
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‐ Yumyulack, out of 180 days
of school this year,

19
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you've been late 179 times.

20
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‐ And Jesse, you've been late three times.

21
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‐ I'm a monster!
‐ It's true, she is.

22
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‐ If either of you are ever late
or miss class ever again,

23
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then you will be expelled.

24
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Which means you'll have
to go to military school,

25
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where the bullies will fuck you.

26
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‐ And they make you shave your head.

27
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‐ But my hair defines me.

28
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‐ Then don't fuck up!

29
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[door closes]
‐ Oh, it's so hot
when you yell at children.

30
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I dump a Dixie cup worth
of fuck juice in my pants

31
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every time you put something
on their permanent record.

32
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Oh, that shit follows them to college.

33
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‐ Brace yourself. I saw this on Starz.

34
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‐ Oh, what the fu‐‐!

35
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KORVO:
Terry, a‐a little help.

36
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[Terry sighs]
Really,

37
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you're too lazy to even look at me?

38
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‐ Ohh, I'm limiting myself
to three neck movements a day.

39
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I only got one left.

40
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‐ We need to re‐facet the dorsal prism,

41
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the lavatic reactor needs more Aa,

42
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and you paired your phone
to the ship stereo

43
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and I don't know how to get it off.

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If I have to listen to the "Gone
in 60 Seconds" soundtrack one more time‐‐

45
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‐ Oh man, you know I'm too dumb to help.

46
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‐ Just zap yourself with the smart ray.

47
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It takes one second.

48
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‐ Hard pass. Smart people are sad.

49
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Wait. Wh‐what are you doing?

50
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‐ Terry, get back here.
Let me shoot you with the smart ray.

51
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[electricity zaps]

52
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‐ Ha ha!
‐ Terry!

53
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‐ I didn't know it would break that easy.

54
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‐ Hey, can you please trap Jesse
in the hell dimension? She sucks ass.

55
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‐ No. That dimension is for work enemies
and Ansel Elgort only.

56
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And for trash when we forget
to put the bin out.

57
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‐ Yumyulack got us in trouble again.

58
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And they for sure figured out
that shit with the orb.

59
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‐ Can I just quit school?
What does it matter anyway?

60
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The Pupa is gonna evolve into
its true form and destroy this planet.

61
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Can't I just watch TV until that happens?

62
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‐ Pepsi.
‐ L‐look, this thing is unpredictable.

63
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It could go off in a week or in a year.

64
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It just said "Pepsi."
Who knows what's going on with it.

65
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‐ Goddammit, Terry, you're supposed
to know. You're the Pupa specialist.

66
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‐ Whatever.
‐ All right, you two, listen,

67
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school is important
and it makes you smart,

68
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and being smart is more important
than anything else ever.

69
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‐ Counterpoint: Korvo's stupid.

70
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School is important 'cause it's super‐fun

71
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and the stakes are super‐low

72
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and there's tons of hot people there
who want to party‐slash‐do finger stuff.

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‐ Wait, Terry, you like school?

74
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‐ Heck yeah, dum‐dums, school rules!

75
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‐ Really? You know,
we could go to school too.

76
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‐ Ah, I wish.

77
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‐ There is a school for adults
behind the cement factory, Terry.

78
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‐ There is?
‐ Yes, we could go there.

79
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We could get smart
and compete for the teacher's approval.

80
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‐ Or we could meet cool girls,
join a frat,

81
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and never work on the ship.

82
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‐ Or you could learn responsibility,
become a better person,

83
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and help me with the ship.

84
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‐ Terry and Korvo, going to school
for the exact same reasons.

85
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KORVO:
Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia.

86
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Until the asteroid hit.

87
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One hundred adults and their replicants
were issued a Pupa

88
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and escaped into, uh, the space,

89
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searching for new homes
on uninhabited worlds.

90
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We crashed on Earth, stranding us
on an already overpopulated planet.

91
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That's right,
I've been talking this whole time.

92
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I'm the one holding the Pupa.
My name's Korvo.

93
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This is‐‐ this is my show.
I just dropped the Pupa. Do you see me?

94
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[stammers]
This is ridiculous.

95
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I hate Earth.
It's a horrible home.

96
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People are stupid.

97
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The second you point out
Christ was an alien,

98
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they get all wound up
and start yelling at you,

99
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even though he did a bunch of alien stuff.

100
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Get with it. It's‐‐ it's no big duh.

101
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♪

102
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‐ Hey, do I look cool?
I think I look cool.

103
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First day of school, baby. Whoo!
‐ Terry, stop acting like a spaz

104
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and just be cool like me.

105
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‐ Spooky robes are not cool.

106
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‐ You're just jealous of my swish.

107
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[robe swishing]

108
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‐ [quietly]
God, that's so fucking cool.

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‐ This is gonna be good for you, Terry.

110
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Maybe this will stop you
from being lazy all the time.

111
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‐ You know, I'm not gonna
even respond to that

112
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because I'm too lazy
to think of a response.

113
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‐ Then why in God's name are you
so excited to be at the school?

114
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‐ Because I love classic college movies,

115
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like "Monsters University,"
"PCU," and "The Skulls."

116
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My plan is to do cool movie stuff
and then just cheat off you

117
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at the end of the semester.

118
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‐ You know, you need to learn to not take
shortcuts all the time, Terry.

119
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How's that for me teeing up
an episode arc for your character?

120
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‐ You're the one who wanted me
to zap myself with the smart gun.

121
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‐ Now that's an example of an appropriate
use of corner cutting, and I'll te‐‐

122
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‐ No, I won the argument.
Better hurry or you're gonna be late.

123
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And then you'll have
to take a shortcut to class,

124
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and I know how much you hate those.
[school bell ringing]

125
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I like my notes in blue ink!

126
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‐ Make way for my peep, beggar!

127
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‐ Not so fast!
[grunts]

128
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Get his bag.
SONNY: What the hell?

129
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‐ Well, this is interesting.
‐ That belongs to The Duke.

130
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‐ Not anymore.
‐ You're dead! You're all dead!

131
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‐ Like my son, you tiny bastard!

132
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‐ No! We don't kill.
[Sonny gagging]

133
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That's what separates us
from the people that do kill.

134
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We don't‐‐ We do the opposite
of what they do.

135
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In terms of killing, we don't.

136
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Got it?
[grunts]

137
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JESSE: [voice echoing] Hello!

138
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Fellow students, teachers, anyone?

139
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‐ Today's been a great day.

140
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No one's called me a "gay‐lien,"

141
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and I didn't have to hide in the bathroom
and pretend to have a butthole.

142
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‐ Yeah, because nobody's here.
‐ Wait, what?

143
00:05:14,502 --> 00:05:16,337
Oh my God. I didn't even notice.
What the hell?

144
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‐ I think we're being tested.

145
00:05:18,464 --> 00:05:21,843
Principal Cooke is trying to see
if we'll be late or go to class

146
00:05:21,843 --> 00:05:23,553
even when nobody's watching us.

147
00:05:23,553 --> 00:05:25,722
‐ This must be what summer school is.

148
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An intense psychological mind game,

149
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not unlike the Academy award‐winning film
"Suicide Squad."

150
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So don't get in my way!

151
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‐ You don't get in my way, buster.

152
00:05:33,938 --> 00:05:36,566
‐ This is about to be
the most epic challenge of our lives.

153
00:05:36,566 --> 00:05:38,026
I don't want you messing me up.

154
00:05:38,026 --> 00:05:40,236
[ringing]

155
00:05:40,236 --> 00:05:44,032
♪ ominous music playing ♪

156
00:05:45,116 --> 00:05:47,160
[school bell rings]

157
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‐ [crunching]
‐ [slurping]

158
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[school bell rings]

159
00:05:52,373 --> 00:05:55,210
[shoes squeaking]

160
00:05:58,213 --> 00:06:01,216
‐ His name was Charles Paulson Ginsburg,

161
00:06:01,216 --> 00:06:05,470
but you may know him as the father
of the video cassette recorder.

162
00:06:05,470 --> 00:06:07,931
I know him as the father of me.

163
00:06:07,931 --> 00:06:09,140
[laughs]

164
00:06:09,140 --> 00:06:12,143
‐ Kegger at my place tonight.
Real college experience.

165
00:06:12,143 --> 00:06:14,395
Beers and shots and we might
even steal a police horse.

166
00:06:14,395 --> 00:06:15,605
‐ I'd have to get a baby‐sitter.

167
00:06:15,605 --> 00:06:18,608
‐ Well, bring them kids, girl.
We don't ID at Casa de Terry's.

168
00:06:18,608 --> 00:06:19,359
‐ Terry, shut up.

169
00:06:19,359 --> 00:06:22,070
‐ Delores, you gonna come
and get tore up at my party?

170
00:06:22,070 --> 00:06:25,365
‐ I have to go home and watch "NCIS."

171
00:06:25,365 --> 00:06:26,533
‐This sucks.

172
00:06:26,533 --> 00:06:29,744
No one's appreciated or even mentioned
that I'm dressed exactly like Van Wilder,

173
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you know, the mentor of Taj.
‐ Will you please pay attention?

174
00:06:31,829 --> 00:06:34,165
‐ That's your job. Mine is to be awesome.

175
00:06:34,165 --> 00:06:35,875
‐ I just missed what the C in VCR means.

176
00:06:35,875 --> 00:06:37,710
It could mean anything.
‐ Man, this is bullshit.

177
00:06:37,710 --> 00:06:39,546
College is supposed to be
about partying all night

178
00:06:39,546 --> 00:06:41,506
and getting into legal trouble
but my dad's a lawyer,

179
00:06:41,506 --> 00:06:43,424
so I'm walking away scot‐free.

180
00:06:43,424 --> 00:06:45,134
Guess I have to step up my game.

181
00:06:46,427 --> 00:06:48,972
Ohh! Hey, hey, whoa, look out!

182
00:06:48,972 --> 00:06:49,973
Hey, I'm the Frisbee guy.

183
00:06:49,973 --> 00:06:51,975
‐ Now let's say I have
to repair a DVD player.

184
00:06:51,975 --> 00:06:53,268
Is that the same as the VCR?

185
00:06:53,268 --> 00:06:55,728
‐ Ohh, I wish I knew it.

186
00:06:55,728 --> 00:06:58,356
‐ Terry, stop it. Nobody likes Frisbee.
You look like an idiot.

187
00:06:58,356 --> 00:07:00,692
‐ Hey, does the Frisbee match the drapes?

188
00:07:00,692 --> 00:07:02,610
‐ I don't know, do you have
the balls to find out?

189
00:07:02,610 --> 00:07:04,988
♪ hard rock music playing ♪

190
00:07:04,988 --> 00:07:07,156
♪

191
00:07:07,156 --> 00:07:09,075
♪

192
00:07:09,075 --> 00:07:11,327
‐ Thank God we got the mattress
with the fabric‐encased coils.

193
00:07:11,327 --> 00:07:13,329
Otherwise, I'd be bouncing
all over the place.

194
00:07:14,747 --> 00:07:17,834
Class is starting soon, Terry.
Were you out all night partying again?

195
00:07:17,834 --> 00:07:20,295
‐ Oh yeah, I was out all night
looking for a party.

196
00:07:20,295 --> 00:07:22,338
Rumor had it the swim team
was raging at The Rock

197
00:07:22,338 --> 00:07:23,965
but it was just two homeless guys dancing.

198
00:07:23,965 --> 00:07:27,051
‐ Ugh. So Jesse, Yumyulack,
how's school going for you two?

199
00:07:27,051 --> 00:07:29,762
‐ I'm in the middle of this
complicated psychological test

200
00:07:29,762 --> 00:07:32,432
not unlike the Academy award‐wining film
"Suicide Squad."

201
00:07:32,432 --> 00:07:35,310
‐ Yeah. And none of the teachers are there
to tell us what to do.

202
00:07:35,310 --> 00:07:36,978
‐ I'm sure that's all part of the test.

203
00:07:36,978 --> 00:07:38,938
Probably just trying to get you
to think outside the box.

204
00:07:38,938 --> 00:07:40,773
‐ Oh, oh, oh, I don't mean
to live más right now

205
00:07:40,773 --> 00:07:42,275
but instead of thinking outside the box,

206
00:07:42,275 --> 00:07:43,610
maybe they should be thinking
outside the‐‐

207
00:07:45,486 --> 00:07:48,781
‐ Saying this goes against every fiber
of my brotherness,

208
00:07:48,781 --> 00:07:50,116
but you know what we have to do.

209
00:07:50,116 --> 00:07:50,867
‐ Knife fight!

210
00:07:50,867 --> 00:07:52,994
‐ No, we can't hate each other
like siblings.

211
00:07:52,994 --> 00:07:55,371
We have to hate each other academically.

212
00:07:55,371 --> 00:07:57,665
We have to be each other's teachers.

213
00:07:57,665 --> 00:08:00,418
‐ Well, then look to your left
and look to your right, motherfucker,

214
00:08:00,418 --> 00:08:02,837
'cause I'm about to matriculate your ass.

215
00:08:02,837 --> 00:08:06,090
‐ Do you realize what this is?
This has The Duke's whole empire.

216
00:08:06,090 --> 00:08:08,927
Food caches, secret passages, and ugh,

217
00:08:08,927 --> 00:08:11,554
he has his own personal '50s diner
called Bop Bops.

218
00:08:11,554 --> 00:08:14,265
‐ We can empty the stockpile
and redistribute to the rest of the wall.

219
00:08:14,265 --> 00:08:15,850
‐ And nobody will know it was us.

220
00:08:15,850 --> 00:08:17,143
It's the perfect crime.

221
00:08:17,143 --> 00:08:18,811
‐ Just like in "Ocean's Thirteen."

222
00:08:18,811 --> 00:08:21,022
‐ It's Elliott Gould's best work
since the '70s.

223
00:08:21,022 --> 00:08:24,317
‐ Guys, he was also great on "Friends."

224
00:08:24,317 --> 00:08:26,110
[school bell rings]

225
00:08:26,110 --> 00:08:28,154
‐ Everyone, sit down and shut up,

226
00:08:28,154 --> 00:08:31,658
or I swear to God I'll have you
back on the streets before lunch.

227
00:08:31,658 --> 00:08:33,910
I am gonna get real with you.

228
00:08:33,910 --> 00:08:37,956
I bet you didn't know
Shakespeare was the original rapper.

229
00:08:37,956 --> 00:08:39,791
‐ Oh, did Shakespeare live
on Sedgwick Avenue

230
00:08:39,791 --> 00:08:42,669
with DJ Kool Herc in the Bronx
five years before the Son of Sam?

231
00:08:42,669 --> 00:08:45,421
‐ Yeah, sure, that's why
Shakespeare's writing is like rap.

232
00:08:45,421 --> 00:08:47,715
Plus he made a bunch of money
and sampled other playwrights

233
00:08:47,715 --> 00:08:48,716
without giving them any credit.

234
00:08:48,716 --> 00:08:50,009
‐ This makes me like Shakespeare.

235
00:08:50,009 --> 00:08:51,135
‐ Of course it does.

236
00:08:51,135 --> 00:08:55,098
‐ My tough‐yet‐relatable teaching style
is breaking through your emotional armor.

237
00:08:55,098 --> 00:08:56,140
‐ And how.

238
00:08:58,017 --> 00:09:02,021
♪ drumline music playing ♪

239
00:09:03,648 --> 00:09:05,525
‐ Aah!
[crashing]

240
00:09:05,525 --> 00:09:08,236
‐ Terry, I'm trying to study,
which is what you should be doing.

241
00:09:08,236 --> 00:09:10,446
‐ I am. I'm studying
how to get into a drumline,

242
00:09:10,446 --> 00:09:11,489
like in that movie "Whiplash."

243
00:09:11,489 --> 00:09:13,575
‐ Do you have any idea what happens
if you fail out of school, Terry?

244
00:09:13,575 --> 00:09:15,910
‐ I assume it's some type
of spanking situation.

245
00:09:15,910 --> 00:09:17,787
‐ No, I thought school would give you
some discipline.

246
00:09:17,787 --> 00:09:19,163
Instead, you've left me no other choice.

247
00:09:19,163 --> 00:09:20,832
‐ If you fail, no more TV,

248
00:09:20,832 --> 00:09:23,084
no more video games, and no more Hulu,

249
00:09:23,084 --> 00:09:24,502
the subscription‐based service.

250
00:09:24,502 --> 00:09:26,170
‐ But Netflix doesn't have
the Hulu production

251
00:09:26,170 --> 00:09:28,756
of the Hulu presentation
of "The Looming Tower."

252
00:09:28,756 --> 00:09:31,384
How do I know what happens
about "The Looming Tower," Korvo.

253
00:09:31,384 --> 00:09:32,468
‐ That's the only way you'll learn.

254
00:09:32,468 --> 00:09:34,762
‐ Can't you just make me glasses that
allow me to see through people's bodies

255
00:09:34,762 --> 00:09:35,763
so I can cheat off of them.

256
00:09:35,763 --> 00:09:37,640
‐ Obviously yes,
but not in time for the test.

257
00:09:37,640 --> 00:09:39,934
Wait, no, I‐I'm not helping you
cut corners anymore.

258
00:09:39,934 --> 00:09:42,562
You have to do this on your own.
That's that arc popping its head up again.

259
00:09:42,562 --> 00:09:44,647
‐ Argh! Okay. Fine.

260
00:09:44,647 --> 00:09:46,441
I'll go get my books.

261
00:09:46,441 --> 00:09:49,152
Dammit, I can't even shoot myself
with the smart ray.

262
00:09:49,152 --> 00:09:50,320
What am I gonna do?

263
00:09:50,695 --> 00:09:52,238
Pupa, you know you can't play
with the dumb ray.

264
00:09:52,238 --> 00:09:55,992
If you shoot anyone,
they'll become... super dumb and fun.

265
00:09:55,992 --> 00:09:57,368
Like me.

266
00:09:57,994 --> 00:10:00,288
‐ Hah! This human math
is honestly very easy.

267
00:10:00,288 --> 00:10:02,457
They haven't even found the number
that comes before zero.

268
00:10:02,457 --> 00:10:04,542
What are you doing with the dumb ray?
‐ I'm holding it.

269
00:10:05,043 --> 00:10:06,169
Get dumb, motherfucker.

270
00:10:06,669 --> 00:10:08,588
‐ Terry, we're only supposed
to use that in emergencies,

271
00:10:08,588 --> 00:10:09,631
when we're overthinking things.

272
00:10:09,631 --> 00:10:10,757
‐ That's what's happening right now.

273
00:10:10,757 --> 00:10:13,134
‐ Please don't make me dumb. None of
my podcasts are gonna make any sense.

274
00:10:13,134 --> 00:10:15,011
‐ If you're dumb and I'm dumb,
then we can be dumb together.

275
00:10:15,011 --> 00:10:16,221
‐ But that plan is dumb.

276
00:10:16,221 --> 00:10:17,597
[grunts]
Ow!

277
00:10:18,348 --> 00:10:20,433
‐ Oh my gosh, Korvo. Are you okay?

278
00:10:22,894 --> 00:10:24,187
[zapping]

279
00:10:26,731 --> 00:10:30,109
[Korvo moaning]
Hey, bud, how you feeling?

280
00:10:30,109 --> 00:10:31,236
Are you dumb now?

281
00:10:31,236 --> 00:10:32,862
‐ I wanna watch
the "Look Who's Talking" trilogy

282
00:10:32,862 --> 00:10:34,155
and eat hot dogs with ketchup.

283
00:10:34,155 --> 00:10:35,698
‐ Yeah! Dab it!

284
00:10:37,200 --> 00:10:39,202
♪

285
00:10:39,202 --> 00:10:41,120
‐ I love getting beer in my body
as fast as I can.

286
00:10:41,120 --> 00:10:42,205
‐ Preaching to the choir, bro.

287
00:10:42,205 --> 00:10:43,998
‐ Do you wanna buy everything
on the McDonald's menu

288
00:10:43,998 --> 00:10:45,542
and smoosh it together into a big ball

289
00:10:45,542 --> 00:10:47,126
and then eat it with a knife
and fork with me?

290
00:10:47,126 --> 00:10:49,754
‐ Yes, a million times, yes.

291
00:10:50,255 --> 00:10:52,298
‐ 2Pac is like oxygen

292
00:10:52,298 --> 00:10:53,841
because we need him to live,

293
00:10:53,841 --> 00:10:55,802
while Sisqo is more like plutonium

294
00:10:55,802 --> 00:10:57,929
because he was kinda just
a one‐hit wonder

295
00:10:57,929 --> 00:10:59,013
that we've forgotten about.

296
00:10:59,013 --> 00:11:02,684
‐ Wow, I never realized that
every school subject is basically rap.

297
00:11:02,684 --> 00:11:05,395
‐ That's the most rap thing
you've said all day.

298
00:11:05,395 --> 00:11:06,312
A plus.
[school bell rings]

299
00:11:06,312 --> 00:11:08,982
Oh crap. We're running out of time.
It's my turn. Teach me now.

300
00:11:08,982 --> 00:11:10,733
‐ Well, welcome to English 101.

301
00:11:10,733 --> 00:11:12,402
Everyone, pick up your textbook.

302
00:11:12,402 --> 00:11:14,195
Now throw it out!

303
00:11:14,195 --> 00:11:16,239
We won't be needing it.
I teach from the heart.

304
00:11:16,239 --> 00:11:19,033
[Jesse grunts]
Wait. Actually, go grab it from the trash.

305
00:11:19,033 --> 00:11:21,578
Yeah, we're gonna rely heavily
on the text.

306
00:11:22,662 --> 00:11:24,497
Now throw it out!
‐ Oh, come on!

307
00:11:24,497 --> 00:11:25,748
KORVO:
Rager at our place.

308
00:11:26,291 --> 00:11:29,210
Party starts at triple question marks
and goes till 2:00 a. m.

309
00:11:29,210 --> 00:11:30,420
‐ We have a hard out.

310
00:11:31,045 --> 00:11:33,006
♪

311
00:11:33,006 --> 00:11:34,549
[scratching]

312
00:11:39,178 --> 00:11:40,805
[grunting]

313
00:11:45,310 --> 00:11:48,771
[grunting and panting]

314
00:11:48,771 --> 00:11:50,273
‐ Grab onto here. Hold here.

315
00:11:50,273 --> 00:11:51,733
Spider! Nobody move.

316
00:11:51,733 --> 00:11:53,067
[growling]

317
00:11:56,863 --> 00:11:58,114
Fuck you, spider.

318
00:12:00,700 --> 00:12:03,411
♪ hip‐hop music playing ♪

319
00:12:03,411 --> 00:12:05,747
‐ Ugh, why did we start the party
at triple question mark?

320
00:12:05,747 --> 00:12:07,081
People have been rolling in all day.

321
00:12:07,081 --> 00:12:08,666
‐ Who wants to see me smash this bottle.

322
00:12:08,666 --> 00:12:09,709
‐ [all cheering]
‐ [bottle shatters]

323
00:12:09,709 --> 00:12:10,501
‐ Yeah!

324
00:12:10,960 --> 00:12:13,838
‐ Touch my robes.
Someone touch my fucking robes.

325
00:12:14,505 --> 00:12:16,716
‐ Okay, I got a 95, you got a 33.

326
00:12:16,716 --> 00:12:19,802
Ah, we passed, and we were
at school every single day.

327
00:12:19,802 --> 00:12:22,263
‐ Yeah, we did it!
‐ Yay!

328
00:12:23,681 --> 00:12:26,809
I said we were here every day!

329
00:12:27,685 --> 00:12:29,854
‐ Hey, we did it.
You can come out now.

330
00:12:29,854 --> 00:12:31,022
What are you waiting for?

331
00:12:32,232 --> 00:12:34,609
Huh. You'd think they'd be raring
to get out here.

332
00:12:34,609 --> 00:12:37,362
‐ Unless nobody's been watching us

333
00:12:37,362 --> 00:12:39,572
and when they said we couldn't miss
a day of school,

334
00:12:39,572 --> 00:12:41,616
they meant when everyone else
was here too.

335
00:12:41,616 --> 00:12:44,035
‐ So we got along this whole time
for no reason?

336
00:12:44,035 --> 00:12:46,120
‐ I guess so. So, now what?

337
00:12:46,120 --> 00:12:47,622
‐ You wanna trash the school
with sci‐fi stuff?

338
00:12:47,622 --> 00:12:48,498
‐ Fuck yeah.

339
00:12:48,498 --> 00:12:50,250
[laughing]
‐ Hey, watch out!

340
00:12:50,250 --> 00:12:53,294
♪ hard rock music playing ♪

341
00:12:53,294 --> 00:12:55,213
♪

342
00:12:55,213 --> 00:12:56,673
YUMYULACK: Ooh, yeah. Whoo!
JESSE: Yeah!

343
00:12:58,383 --> 00:12:59,259
[laughs]

344
00:13:00,802 --> 00:13:02,845
‐ All right, one of us has
to attach this to the door

345
00:13:02,845 --> 00:13:04,347
and get away before it detonates.

346
00:13:04,347 --> 00:13:06,933
I've been practicing avoiding explosions
in my free time,

347
00:13:06,933 --> 00:13:08,309
so I think I can pull it off.
‐ No.

348
00:13:08,309 --> 00:13:11,020
In the before‐fore, I was
a 7‐Eleven employee.

349
00:13:11,020 --> 00:13:12,105
A really bad one.

350
00:13:12,105 --> 00:13:15,441
I was mean to everyone, and I used
to piss in the Slurpee machine.

351
00:13:15,441 --> 00:13:18,736
But things are different in here.
In here, I can die a hero.

352
00:13:18,736 --> 00:13:19,696
‐ Bryson, I just told you.

353
00:13:19,696 --> 00:13:21,656
Nobody has to die,
because I think I can jump away

354
00:13:21,656 --> 00:13:23,950
well before the explosion‐‐
‐ Blaze of glory!

355
00:13:23,950 --> 00:13:24,826
TIM: Oh shit.

356
00:13:25,451 --> 00:13:26,619
Run! Run, Bryson!
CHERIE: Bryson, run!

357
00:13:26,619 --> 00:13:28,121
‐ No! There's no time.
[beeping]

358
00:13:29,873 --> 00:13:31,124
Oh, okay. Actually, there may‐‐

359
00:13:31,124 --> 00:13:32,125
Aah!
‐ Bryson!

360
00:13:35,461 --> 00:13:36,921
‐ Holy shit!

361
00:13:36,921 --> 00:13:38,631
‐ Ah. I'm alive.

362
00:13:38,631 --> 00:13:39,757
But I'm blind.

363
00:13:39,757 --> 00:13:41,426
‐ You should have run.
Why didn't you run?

364
00:13:41,426 --> 00:13:44,304
‐ Oh no, my dick got blown off.

365
00:13:44,304 --> 00:13:46,681
I'm blind and I have no dick.

366
00:13:47,056 --> 00:13:48,933
Oh.
‐ Uh‐‐

367
00:13:48,933 --> 00:13:50,852
‐ Please, just leave.

368
00:13:50,852 --> 00:13:54,063
I'm blind and I have no dick.

369
00:13:54,606 --> 00:13:56,441
Hey, I found it.

370
00:13:56,441 --> 00:13:59,652
It was there all along.
Just lower than I thought.

371
00:14:01,112 --> 00:14:02,614
‐ Check this out, Terry. Watch.

372
00:14:02,614 --> 00:14:03,907
‐ Wait, wait, wait.
Don't you always tell me

373
00:14:03,907 --> 00:14:05,617
that pressing buttons on the ship
can be dangerous?

374
00:14:05,617 --> 00:14:07,493
‐ Don't be a little beeyatch.

375
00:14:09,412 --> 00:14:10,580
[screaming]

376
00:14:12,415 --> 00:14:15,210
See, it's fine.
‐ Man, I love dumb Korvo.

377
00:14:15,210 --> 00:14:17,128
‐ Dude, Korvo, get over here
and snort this with us.

378
00:14:17,128 --> 00:14:19,923
‐ Oink‐oink, mother‐fuckah!

379
00:14:24,219 --> 00:14:26,596
[electricity crackling]

380
00:14:29,182 --> 00:14:31,684
‐ [screams]
Ice lava.

381
00:14:31,684 --> 00:14:33,019
It's freezing.

382
00:14:33,019 --> 00:14:34,854
Oh my God and then it burns.

383
00:14:38,691 --> 00:14:40,360
[people screaming]

384
00:14:43,196 --> 00:14:44,572
JESSE: Ha ha, stop.
[laser beams firing]

385
00:14:44,572 --> 00:14:46,866
Don't laser me. That tickles.

386
00:14:46,866 --> 00:14:48,493
‐ Oh, I got you now.
[both scream]

387
00:14:51,079 --> 00:14:53,706
‐ Did we make ice lava?
‐ I don't know. Maybe.

388
00:14:54,374 --> 00:14:55,375
‐ Ohh!
‐ You're it.

389
00:14:55,375 --> 00:14:56,960
‐ No fair. I was distracted.

390
00:14:56,960 --> 00:14:58,628
[both laughing]

391
00:14:58,628 --> 00:14:59,629
‐ Korvo, what do we do?

392
00:14:59,629 --> 00:15:02,048
The hot cold lava that powers the ship
is getting on everyone.

393
00:15:02,048 --> 00:15:03,758
‐ Don't worry, I know what to do.

394
00:15:03,758 --> 00:15:04,842
[grunts]

395
00:15:04,842 --> 00:15:06,636
I'm boning an alien, bro.

396
00:15:06,636 --> 00:15:07,887
‐ Stop being dumb.

397
00:15:07,887 --> 00:15:09,389
You're the only one
who knows about ice lava.

398
00:15:09,389 --> 00:15:10,557
‐ Terry, I know how to fix it.

399
00:15:10,557 --> 00:15:13,226
We just kick back
and watch some movie trilogies.

400
00:15:13,226 --> 00:15:14,978
Th‐this whole thing
will sort itself out on its own.

401
00:15:14,978 --> 00:15:16,771
‐ We don't have time for even one trilogy.

402
00:15:16,771 --> 00:15:18,147
Ugh. Who would have thought
cutting corners

403
00:15:18,147 --> 00:15:19,524
and making you dumb
would blow up like this.

404
00:15:19,524 --> 00:15:22,026
‐ Maybe the second "Matrix" movie
will help. They're better out of order.

405
00:15:22,026 --> 00:15:23,570
‐ Maybe if I can learn
how to fix the smart gun,

406
00:15:23,570 --> 00:15:25,321
I can zap you back
into fixing the ship.

407
00:15:25,321 --> 00:15:27,824
[loudly]
Stay here. I will make you smart again.

408
00:15:27,824 --> 00:15:30,034
‐ Hey, just 'cause I'm dumb
doesn't mean that I'm deaf.

409
00:15:31,870 --> 00:15:33,079
‐ Come on. Come on.

410
00:15:33,538 --> 00:15:35,915
Ah, yes. Hey, the manual isn't too big.

411
00:15:35,915 --> 00:15:37,125
Aah! Ah, crap.

412
00:15:37,125 --> 00:15:39,127
Okay, Terry, you can do this.

413
00:15:39,127 --> 00:15:41,212
Focus. Learn. Be smart.

414
00:15:41,212 --> 00:15:43,965
KORVO: Damn, Morpheus, how'd you get
those motherfucking sunglasses

415
00:15:43,965 --> 00:15:44,841
to stick to your face?

416
00:15:44,841 --> 00:15:47,135
‐ Ooh, I gotta see that. No! No!

417
00:15:47,135 --> 00:15:47,969
Focus.

418
00:15:49,596 --> 00:15:51,806
Ooh!
Once you know how to reroute the lava‐‐

419
00:15:51,806 --> 00:15:54,475
‐ Check it out, Terry,
I'm a fucking Morpheus now.

420
00:15:54,475 --> 00:15:55,560
Watch out.

421
00:15:56,102 --> 00:15:58,354
I think we should invest in a racehorse
because I want to go to Kentucky

422
00:15:58,354 --> 00:15:59,272
and wear a big old hat,

423
00:15:59,272 --> 00:16:01,065
and also I've got a great name
for a racehorse.

424
00:16:01,065 --> 00:16:02,859
Get ready. Horseus.

425
00:16:02,859 --> 00:16:03,985
From the thing
we were just talking about‐‐

426
00:16:03,985 --> 00:16:05,111
‐ Will you shut the hell up?

427
00:16:05,111 --> 00:16:06,905
I'm never gonna learn
how to repair the smart gun.

428
00:16:06,905 --> 00:16:08,865
I'm only one chapter past
the lavatic reactor.

429
00:16:08,865 --> 00:16:10,658
[gasps]
Oh, holy crapsters.

430
00:16:10,658 --> 00:16:13,494
I accidentally learned how to repair
the lavatic reactor.

431
00:16:15,663 --> 00:16:17,999
I just want you to know
if I don't make it out of this,

432
00:16:17,999 --> 00:16:21,085
it has been the great honor of my life
to come to Earth with you.

433
00:16:21,085 --> 00:16:22,587
Korvo, I love you‐‐

434
00:16:22,587 --> 00:16:25,006
‐ I'm gonna go hit a bullet
with a hammer, Terry. U‐S‐A!

435
00:16:25,006 --> 00:16:26,758
U‐S‐A! U‐S‐A!

436
00:16:26,758 --> 00:16:29,135
♪ dramatic music playing ♪

437
00:16:29,135 --> 00:16:31,888
♪

438
00:16:45,818 --> 00:16:48,530
♪

439
00:16:51,616 --> 00:16:53,243
‐ Holy shit. I think I fixed it.

440
00:16:53,243 --> 00:16:55,787
I actually did something
without taking a shortcut.

441
00:16:55,787 --> 00:16:57,038
W‐w‐what are you doing?

442
00:16:57,038 --> 00:16:58,456
‐ Hey, whoa, whoa, I thought
you were sending signals.

443
00:16:58,456 --> 00:17:00,750
‐ What? No. Man, when does
the dumb ray wear off?

444
00:17:00,750 --> 00:17:02,710
‐ I want White Castle.
‐ Is this what I sound like all the time?

445
00:17:02,710 --> 00:17:04,546
‐ Whoa, Terry, let's watch
all the "Resident Evils."

446
00:17:04,546 --> 00:17:05,463
‐ Yeah, that's me.

447
00:17:05,463 --> 00:17:07,382
[both moaning]
‐ Oh yes.

448
00:17:07,382 --> 00:17:09,217
‐ God, I love the last week
of summer break.

449
00:17:09,217 --> 00:17:11,511
This place is so nice
when the kids are gone.

450
00:17:11,511 --> 00:17:13,972
‐ After this, let's do reverse cowgirl
in the theater.

451
00:17:13,972 --> 00:17:15,515
Then we're ass‐eating in the chem lab.

452
00:17:15,515 --> 00:17:17,183
‐ But I'm wearing open‐toed sandals.

453
00:17:17,183 --> 00:17:18,184
‐ [both laughing]
‐ [Ms. Frankie yelps]

454
00:17:18,184 --> 00:17:19,602
‐ Whoo!
‐ What the fuck are you doing here?

455
00:17:20,436 --> 00:17:21,980
[both wailing]

456
00:17:22,438 --> 00:17:25,191
Oh no!
‐ We did what you said.

457
00:17:25,191 --> 00:17:28,361
We've been in our chairs
every day at 7 a. m.

458
00:17:28,361 --> 00:17:29,988
‐ How long have you been here on your own?

459
00:17:29,988 --> 00:17:32,365
‐ We're good students. We did‐‐
‐ We were never late. We were on time.

460
00:17:32,365 --> 00:17:33,867
‐ Mercy. Show us mercy.

461
00:17:33,867 --> 00:17:35,159
‐ Go wait outside.

462
00:17:36,744 --> 00:17:38,746
‐ What the fuck is wrong with those two?

463
00:17:38,746 --> 00:17:40,123
I don't care if they like each other.

464
00:17:40,123 --> 00:17:42,125
We didn't tell them to come in all summer!

465
00:17:42,125 --> 00:17:43,626
This is clearly abuse.

466
00:17:43,626 --> 00:17:46,004
Maybe no one will believe them.
It's their word against ours.

467
00:17:46,004 --> 00:17:47,672
‐ They found us humping in the lunch room.

468
00:17:47,672 --> 00:17:49,507
I was about to stick
my tongue up your ass.

469
00:17:49,507 --> 00:17:50,800
‐ Oh, Jesus.

470
00:17:50,800 --> 00:17:52,552
I guess we have to do the right thing.

471
00:17:52,552 --> 00:17:53,511
[groans]

472
00:17:53,511 --> 00:17:56,139
‐ Okay, what will it take for you
to keep your mouth shut?

473
00:17:56,139 --> 00:17:56,848
A thousand dollars?

474
00:17:56,848 --> 00:17:58,266
‐ We want A's, bitches.
‐ We want A's.

475
00:17:58,266 --> 00:18:00,351
‐ That's it? In what?
‐ In everything.

476
00:18:00,351 --> 00:18:03,521
‐ So we give you the A's and we forget
that this whole thing ever happened.

477
00:18:03,521 --> 00:18:05,732
Finger in the ass, the neglect,
the eating of a‐‐

478
00:18:05,732 --> 00:18:07,192
‐ Congrats. You're both
on the honor rolls.

479
00:18:07,192 --> 00:18:08,067
‐ Woo‐hoo!
‐ Yeah!

480
00:18:08,067 --> 00:18:09,235
YUMYULACK: Honor roll, dude!
JESSE: Woo‐hoo!

481
00:18:09,235 --> 00:18:10,361
[cheering continues]

482
00:18:10,361 --> 00:18:11,613
‐ We've been bad.

483
00:18:11,613 --> 00:18:13,573
[both moaning]

484
00:18:17,785 --> 00:18:19,120
[machine powers up]

485
00:18:19,120 --> 00:18:21,122
[babies cooing, babbling]

486
00:18:21,122 --> 00:18:23,291
‐ Man, gathering up
the ashes of my victims

487
00:18:23,291 --> 00:18:26,878
and reconstituting them into babies is
way more work than I thought it would be.

488
00:18:26,878 --> 00:18:29,088
But, hey, they get a second chance
at life, so that's cool.

489
00:18:29,088 --> 00:18:30,006
What's up with you dorks?

490
00:18:30,006 --> 00:18:32,091
‐ We caught the teachers
eating each other's asses,

491
00:18:32,091 --> 00:18:33,927
so they gave us A's in all our classes.

492
00:18:33,927 --> 00:18:35,261
‐ And we're best friends again.

493
00:18:35,261 --> 00:18:37,013
And we're out of Frosted Flakes.

494
00:18:37,013 --> 00:18:38,014
‐ I'll pick some up tomorrow.

495
00:18:38,014 --> 00:18:40,683
Hey, uh, don't open the bathroom door
because I locked Korvo in there

496
00:18:40,683 --> 00:18:41,476
until he gets smart again.

497
00:18:41,476 --> 00:18:43,102
KORVO: Let me out of here!
There's an alien in here!

498
00:18:43,102 --> 00:18:44,520
Oh, wait, that's‐‐
it's just me in the mirror.

499
00:18:44,520 --> 00:18:46,397
‐ Wow, he sounds really stupid.

500
00:18:46,397 --> 00:18:48,608
‐ Yeah, I shot him with the dumb gun
like 10 times.

501
00:18:48,608 --> 00:18:50,735
‐ Oh geez, that will take forever
to wear off.

502
00:18:50,735 --> 00:18:51,986
Feel better, Korvo.

503
00:18:51,986 --> 00:18:54,405
Don't sleep face down
or you might suffocate.

504
00:18:54,405 --> 00:18:57,450
KORVO: Let me out. Gal Gadot is a witch
that was put into American society

505
00:18:57,450 --> 00:18:59,494
to make us all forget
about the 2008 recession.

506
00:18:59,494 --> 00:19:01,079
‐ Okay, buddy, very cool.

507
00:19:01,079 --> 00:19:03,248
KORVO: Let me out right now!
I‐I‐I've got a hostage in here.

508
00:19:03,248 --> 00:19:04,332
[high‐pitched voice]
Help me, let me out.

509
00:19:04,332 --> 00:19:06,918
[normal voice] Don't worry, it's a joke.
I'm doing both voices. Play along.

510
00:19:06,918 --> 00:19:08,628
[British accent]
'Ello, what are you two doing in here?

511
00:19:08,628 --> 00:19:09,879
[normal voice]
Shh, hey, be quiet.

512
00:19:10,630 --> 00:19:13,550
♪ ominous music playing ♪

513
00:19:13,550 --> 00:19:15,677
‐ It's empty. No, this is all wrong.

514
00:19:15,677 --> 00:19:16,594
‐ Come on, we have to get out of here.

515
00:19:16,594 --> 00:19:18,471
[clapping]

516
00:19:18,471 --> 00:19:20,348
‐ You stupid fucks.

517
00:19:20,348 --> 00:19:23,101
‐ What are you gonna do, Duke,
take us all on? You're outnumbered.

518
00:19:24,936 --> 00:19:26,145
‐ You see, Tim, my boy,

519
00:19:26,145 --> 00:19:28,106
this was the trap.

520
00:19:28,106 --> 00:19:30,275
Enrique and I set up the whole thing.

521
00:19:30,275 --> 00:19:32,485
The map, the Peep, everything.

522
00:19:32,485 --> 00:19:34,863
‐ Enrique, why?
‐ You killed my son.

523
00:19:34,863 --> 00:19:38,449
The Duke might have pulled the trigger,
but you dragged him into this whole thing.

524
00:19:38,449 --> 00:19:39,951
‐ See, I'm a man of rules.

525
00:19:39,951 --> 00:19:42,871
It's rules that keep everyone alive
in the wall.

526
00:19:42,871 --> 00:19:45,290
But when someone breaks said rules,

527
00:19:45,290 --> 00:19:46,291
you need a punishment.

528
00:19:46,291 --> 00:19:49,168
I found the perfect form of punishment.

529
00:19:49,168 --> 00:19:50,211
The Boo Hoo Hole.

530
00:19:50,545 --> 00:19:52,839
Tim, you ever heard
of the Boo Hoo Hole.

531
00:19:53,548 --> 00:19:55,091
[screams]

532
00:19:55,091 --> 00:19:58,052
‐ Noooo!

533
00:19:58,052 --> 00:20:00,555
‐ I have different plans for you, Tim.

534
00:20:04,142 --> 00:20:07,896
These genius aliens are a billion times
smarter than any man.

535
00:20:08,271 --> 00:20:10,940
They are truly worthy adversaries.

536
00:20:11,357 --> 00:20:12,192
[door opens]

537
00:20:12,192 --> 00:20:14,903
‐ Thank you for letting me out.
I'm feeling much smarter.

538
00:20:14,903 --> 00:20:15,945
I'm smart now. Thank you.

539
00:20:15,945 --> 00:20:18,323
‐ Okay, we're all trusting you
to be smart.

540
00:20:18,323 --> 00:20:20,116
And we all learned a lesson today,

541
00:20:20,116 --> 00:20:22,243
so let's all buckle down
and be smart together

542
00:20:22,243 --> 00:20:23,244
and help repair the ship.

543
00:20:23,244 --> 00:20:25,121
‐ What've you got there?
Are those hyperdrive plans?

544
00:20:25,121 --> 00:20:27,540
‐ Oh, Jesse, nice try.
We don't even have a hyperdrive.

545
00:20:27,540 --> 00:20:30,210
No, no, no, this is
my 700‐page screenplay for "Ted 3."

546
00:20:30,210 --> 00:20:32,003
You all have to give me notes.
‐ Oh, fuck, he's still dumb.

547
00:20:32,003 --> 00:20:33,796
‐ It's called "T3D."
It's not in 3D though.

548
00:20:33,796 --> 00:20:35,840
Ted and Wahlberg go on a treasure hunt
and meet a witch.

549
00:20:35,840 --> 00:20:37,592
I copyrighted this with WGA‐North.

550
00:20:37,592 --> 00:20:39,510
It takes place in the Harry Potter world
in the future,

551
00:20:39,510 --> 00:20:40,595
where every city is Boston.

552
00:20:40,595 --> 00:20:41,930
Ben Affleck and Matt Damon are president.

553
00:20:41,930 --> 00:20:43,306
Papa John's has cool pizza.

554
00:20:43,306 --> 00:20:44,891
I'm gonna be a professional poker player.

555
00:20:44,891 --> 00:20:47,310
Let me out of the ropy bag.
Free me from the ropy bag.

556
00:20:47,310 --> 00:20:49,771
‐ It's nice to do stuff as a family.

557
00:20:50,271 --> 00:20:54,025
♪ theme music playing ♪

558
00:20:54,025 --> 00:20:58,112
♪

559
00:21:34,607 --> 00:21:36,109
[imitating laser fire]