‐ I really loved the pieces you submitted in your application.
That troll piece was fascinating.
So insightful. ‐ Thank you.
Yeah, I've really tried to push myself this past month,
and, you know, this is the kind of in‐depth stuff
I could've never done at "The Thorn."
‐ It is really impressive to me that someone so young
has such a clearly defined voice.
‐ Whew, I'm impressed by everything about you.
[chuckles] I‐I mean, I would love to work for you.
And I'm kind of a workaholic.
Like, if I'm not busy, I'm sad.
[laughter]
‐ Well, you are a great essayist.
But unfortunately, Annie,
I do not think "The Bridgetown Tribune"
would be a good fit for you. ‐ Oh.
‐ I mean, a daily newspaper is a totally different animal,
and we're looking for a beat reporter
with a lot of experience.
But I would love to offer you an internship.
Though I should mention it's unpaid.
‐ Oh, fuck. ‐ Mm.
‐ Um, it's just that‐‐ that sounds so nice.
I just‐‐I also need money.
‐ Well, typically, our interns get another job to earn money.
‐ Okay, but this was me getting a job for money.
Um, you know, I've been submitting everywhere,
and I assumed that something would lead to something,
but it's really led to nothing,
and it's been a‐‐ it's been a bad month.
So could you please just let me work here?
For money?
‐ I'm gonna say good‐bye, okay?
‐ Yeah. Um‐‐
‐ And thank you for coming in.
‐ Thank you. ‐ Mm‐hmm.
‐ That was‐‐that was bad.
[sighs]
[upbeat music]
♪ ♪
‐ [sighs]
‐ Make sure you face the labels out.
‐ You don't work here anymore.
‐ Doesn't mean I can't, like, hang out and help.
‐ Well, it kind of does, actually.
And Dave doesn't want you touching the shelves, so...
‐ I worked here for five years, okay?
My blood is all over these shelves.
‐ All right, cool.
‐ I think I can touch whatever I want.
Fuckin' Dave.
‐ You have to find somewhere else to be.
How about that?
Because you can't be here anymore.
‐ Ryan, you don't work here anymore.
‐ Oh.
‐ Which makes me the customer, which means I'm always right.
‐ You have to leave.
‐ Mike was stacking the cans wrong.
‐ I don't give a shit. This is my business!
Now get out of here before I call the cops...
or your mom.
MIKE: See?
[Muzak playing]
♪ ♪
DAVE: Make sure the labels are facing out.
‐ I know. Yeah, they're‐‐ I will‐‐they will.
‐ Mom?
Dad?
Hello?
[THICK's "So Sick"]
SINGER: ♪ Ask your dad, ask your dad ♪
♪ To pay my rent ♪
♪ Maybe we should hang out ♪
♪ We should all be friends ♪
‐ Holy shit.
♪ ♪
‐ Okay, listen to this.
Maureen tells everybody that her uncle
came up with the ideas for Hooters
and that his name is Fred Hooters.
‐ See, this is the kind of scorching‐hot gossip
that I can't believe I only get it, like, every few weeks now.
‐ Yeah, but you're doing good, though, right?
‐ Um, it's definitely different
than I thought it would be.
But I'm‐‐I'm good.
I'm really good. I, uh...
I just had an interview at "The Bridgetown Tribune."
‐ Oh. ‐ And it was great.
It was great, and I think it's gonna happen.
‐ That's great.
‐ Yeah, but who cares about that?
I want to hear about the big promotion.
‐ Ah, well, it's mostly just taking care
of people's dumb shit.
Like, Andy came to my desk four times today.
He wanted to go home 'cause his tooth fell out.
‐ What? ‐ Yeah.
I let him go. ‐ Ugh.
I miss everybody, like, a lot more than I thought I would.
‐ We miss you, too. Oh, you know what?
You should come to Ruthie's birthday party.
It's gonna be at the Oaks Park skating rink.
‐ Oh. ‐ Studio 54 theme.
‐ Wow.
"1970s dress code.
Must have"... BOTH: "Full bush."
‐ Full bush. ‐ Wow. Wow.
This is actually very much my kind of party.
‐ Yeah?
You should come rub your success in everyone's face.
‐ [laughing] Oh. Yeah, definitely.
Oh, um, actually, I'm gonna cover this,
because we're actually celebrating
a very important promotion.
So I have $3 here,
and then I have this gift card, and it does‐‐
it says RadioShack, but it's actually very good anywhere.
You can use it. ‐ Oh, you know what?
Actually, why don't you let me get this?
I can expense this 'cause I am the boss now.
‐ Wow.
That's extremely fancy and really nice.
‐ Yeah, you're welcome.
‐ I'll, uh... I can leave...
the tip.
‐ It's a origami duck.
‐ [laughs] ‐ Nice.
[women laughing]
‐ Wait, you want us to believe
that the woman who called me a prude bitch
for never being in an orgy hasn't had sex in a month?
‐ Not a soul, not even a soulless being.
I haven't even fucked a ghost.
‐ Okay, and we're using "ghost"
as, like, a code word for masturbation, right?
I'm just trying to understand how dire the situation is.
‐ Well, I haven't hooked up with anyone in a month,
and I'm masturbating tastefully and sparingly.
‐ Oof. ‐ Oh.
‐ Okay, you're braiding too tight.
Please don't take your sexual repression out on my scalp.
‐ Okay, there's no repression.
I've just been hooking up with people since I was 15.
It feels good to finally get off the roller coaster.
‐ I got off on a roller coaster once.
[door opens] ‐ Tacky.
‐ I'm sorry. I need help.
I'm so nervous about this party,
and I've been jamming on teen YouTube tutorials
for about two hours now,
and I'm concerned that I'm starting to look
like the queen of the raccoons.
‐ Okay, just let me do your hair
and don't try to do it yourself.
‐ Oh, good. I'm gonna get me some more damn wine.
‐ Oh, me too, please.
‐ I love when I get to be your little gorgeous baby doll.
‐ Oh, and don't call yourself that.
‐ Why? [laughter]
‐ Annie, what do you think of Fran's record‐long dry spell?
‐ No, wrong. It's only a dry spell if you're thirsty.
‐ I feel like it was very hard with the Vic shit, you know?
Like, if she wants to take a break, she should do that.
‐ Okay, yes, but I'm moving on to the next stage of my life,
which means no more emotionally destroying
all of the women in the Pacific Northwest.
[laughter]
And, Annie, how do you feel
about adding about 4 pounds more hair?
‐ Oh, yes, I very much want to look
like a horse in heat.
‐ A gorgeous horse in heat. ‐ Ooh.
[disco music playing] ‐ Oh, wow!
RYAN: You didn't tell me this was gonna be '70s themed.
‐ Yeah, I mean, why are you dressed like that?
‐ 'Cause this is the way I dress.
‐ Hey! What the fucking shit is this?
‐ Oh, God. Ruthie, I'm sorry.
Amadi told me about your party, so I thought it was okay.
‐ I'm just‐‐ I'm just fucking with you.
Scaring people makes me horny.
[gasps] Wow, it's my birthday.
Did you bring me a gift?
‐ Oh, no, the invitation said "no gifts."
‐ Give me your earrings. ‐ Oh.
Well, these are actually my mom's from college.
‐ [laughs] "Mom's from college."
A woman belongs in the home, especially a mom.
‐ Wow.
‐ Are you okay? ‐ Yeah.
Yeah, actually, that could have been so much worse.
But I think tonight I'll be okay.
[people shouting indistinctly] ‐ What's wrong with you?
‐ Hey, chill. Chill.
‐ A claw machine.
Cool!
‐ Yeah, those are the distro guys.
They actually deliver the papers.
They're really nice.
You should go claw with them if you want.
‐ Oh, no. I'm‐‐I'm here for you tonight.
‐ Aw.
I‐I actually feel good.
Honestly, like, I feel fine.
And I see my buds. I'm good.
Yeah, go. Go claw it up.
‐ Okay. All right.
[people shouting indistinctly]
‐ Whoa‐ho! [Ryan laughs]
PLAYER: Come on! RYAN: Damn.
[groovy music]
SINGER: ♪ I wanna tell you today ♪
‐ Hey, Annie.
‐ There she is. ANNIE: Oh, hi!
‐ Annie!
Okay, I have to ask you a favor.
Can you please guard the ladies' room
so I can have sex with my husband, the boss,
in one of the stalls?
‐ Uh, sorry, what is happening?
‐ Cindy's very into me since the promotion, sex‐wise.
I tried to tell her I don't even have a wall in my office.
It's just, like, a stack of books.
‐ Okay, whatever.
You're making more money, and now I can get an SUV.
Ooh, Annie, speaking of new big things, "The Tribune"?
‐ Oh, yeah. Yeah, "The Tribune."
It's‐‐it's gonna be great.
‐ Well, Amadi was worried
that it was gonna be rough for you after you left,
and I just said, "Shut up, loser.
This is Annie, and she is gonna make it happen."
‐ Oh, yeah. I'm gonna make it happen.
And I'm feeling good.
And I'm gonna have a fucking great night.
[laughs] ‐ Yes!
And you and Amadi are gonna fucking run this stupid city.
‐ [laughs] ‐ Okay.
ANNIE: Wow, whoo!
[laughing]
SINGER: ♪ Love ♪
♪ Love will keep us together ♪
‐ Oh.
MATTEO: You're like the male Cruella de Vil.
‐ Okay.
‐ But don't be mad, because your outfit...
incroyable!
‐ Well, thank you. I appreciate that.
These are actually my own clothes.
‐ Did you wear it to party at Club 54?
‐ It's called Studio 54.
What did you think, I was ten years old
going from Little League to doing lines with Halston?
‐ Who's that? GABE: [laughs]
Plus, your clothes are all wrong.
They're all from the fuckin' '90s.
Rollerblades didn't exist in the '70s.
‐ Well, neither did we,
but, um, I don't know, we just thought
it was, like, old and vintage.
‐ Like you.
‐ Um, what the fuck is this music?
Is this, like, a joke song or something?
‐ It's Captain & Tennille, you pieces of shit.
‐ [laughs]
[both laugh]
‐ I‐I got you a White Russian.
‐ Oh, Maureen, thank you.
[chuckles] Wow.
‐ Well, I actually kissed a white Russian man in 2007.
I‐I mean I assume he was Russian
'cause he didn't say a word.
‐ Wow. ‐ It's‐‐yeah.
‐ That's cool. You know, I might‐‐
‐ So, you know, it's so fun,
just two gal pals in the city talking sex.
‐ Mm!
‐ Yeah. ‐ But, you know...
Uh, you're my hero for quitting like you did.
No one stands up to Gabe like that,
and it meant a lot to a bunch of us.
‐ Oh, um, well, thank you.
Thanks for saying that.
That‐‐that means a lot.
‐ So what's been going on?
‐ Uh...
I got a job at "The Tribune."
Uh, I'm gonna cover local politics...
I think, so...
‐ I knew you'd do something amazing.
‐ Yeah.
‐ Hey, hey, did I ever tell you about the time my brother
tried to wear a top hat to high school?
It's long but worth it.
‐ Oh, I‐I want to hear that, but I just‐‐
I finished my drink, so I might get a freshie.
You know? ‐ Okay, cool.
You know, it was actually not my brother‐‐it was me.
My brother wore a cowboy hat. He looked hot.
♪ ♪
REGGIE: Come on, I believe in you.
I'll knock you and throw you down the fucking stairs
like my fuckin' dad did‐‐ let's go!
BEAU: You got this. You're a modern‐day Jesus Christ.
Now just bring us home.
‐ Oh, there's a Casio watch right there!
‐ Where? What?
‐ Right by the stuffed cell phone and the big‐eyed baby cat.
There's a fucking Casio watch! ‐ It's too stacked.
I don't think I can get in there.
‐ Stop thinking that way!
Stop with the stinking thinking
and start with the money thinking.
PLAYER: Come on! ‐ All right?
Now go! Go!
We love you! PLAYER: We love you!
PLAYER 2: You're awesome!
[all groan] It's okay.
It's okay. It's okay.
‐ I suck! ‐ Hey!
You are not a loser! ‐ Do not!
‐ But you are acting like one! ‐ Yes!
Get your ass back in the game, dude.
SINGER: ♪ Hold on ♪
♪ Babe, you got to hold on ♪
‐ So Andy's going by DJ Pussyhound now?
That guy's a nasty little freak.
RUTHIE: Everybody, listen up. This is an emergency.
[music stops]
There is an active shooter in the skating rink right now.
[chuckles] That active shooter is me...
because I'm about to blow your fucking minds off.
[cheers and applause]
Thank you all so much for being here.
I know that I may be turning 24
and I may look 16,
but my wish
is to be as wise and amazing
as the oldest person I know,
my gay grandpa, Gabe.
‐ [laughs] Fuck you, honey.
RUTHIE: Kill yourself.
DJ, play my backing track?
[electronic music playing]
♪ The day I was born, my mother felt a pain ♪
♪ Like the Devil was trying to run a train ♪
♪ On her genitalianus ♪
‐ Oh.
‐ ♪ I tore my mom from end to end to end ♪
♪ I tore my mom from receive to send ♪
♪ I tore my mom from end to end to end ♪
[cake splats] MAUREEN: Shit.
[crowd gasps]
[voice breaking] My perfect moment is ruined.
[mic thuds, whines]
MAUREEN: I'm‐‐I'm sorry.
[Lipps Inc.'s "Funkytown" playing]
‐ So what‐‐what are you up to?
‐ Uh... I'm great, Angus.
‐ Cool, but, like, what‐‐ what are you doing now?
‐ Fuck, man, I'm fucking good.
Tell everybody I'm fucking great, man.
Fuck!
Fuck.
RUTHIE: Hey, really enjoy that.
That's the last bag my dealer sold me before she died.
‐ Oh.
‐ [hisses] Fuck. RUTHIE: Oh.
‐ Fuck this whole night. ‐ Oh, hey, Gabe.
Do you want us to clear out of here
so you can take your trademark tiny shit?
‐ Very funny.
Oh, Jesus, I love drugs. ‐ Oh, pee‐pee.
Oh, Gabe. FRIEND: Hey, be careful, dude.
FRIEND 2: Whoa. FRIEND: Dude, that's ketamine.
GABE: Mm‐hmm. RUTHIE: Uh, yeah.
Think about how much coke you would normally do
and do, like, a tenth of that.
‐ Please, honey. I invented drugs.
Here we go. [sniffs]
[coughs]
Oh. [coughs]
RUTHIE: Oh, my God.
Um, you are about to go into a K hole.
‐ What's that?
‐ [sighs]
‐ A K hole is the darkest place in the world,
where you're fully paralyzed
because you've done too much ketamine.
‐ No, the '80s was the darkest place in the world.
This I can handle.
PLAYER: Take the dog away from the Casio.
‐ Ryan.
‐ Yeah. ‐ Come on.
‐ Ryan. ‐ Shake it up.
‐ [gasps] ‐ Oh, Annie!
‐ Annie sauce! ‐ Ha ha ha.
You did not tell us that you were with Annie.
‐ Yeah.
‐ What the hell? I thought that you liked us?
‐ Both of you?
‐ Yeah. ‐ Yeah.
‐ I like you as friends, but... Come on.
Please?
Maybe just the two of us can talk?
‐ Yeah.
Oh, and I got you this.
‐ Oh. ‐ So if you need to talk to me
at any point, just give me a ring.
‐ Okay.
Okay, I just, um...
I'm kind of freaking the fuck out right now.
I told everyone, like, "Oh, I'm great," or whatever,
but that's fucking fake, you know?
And my hair is so heavy because it's fake,
and I‐I drank a lot.
Like, I drank a lot of liquids.
Different liquids all mixed up, and I'm just‐‐
Like, do I seem okay?
Be honest, please.
Like, does the feelings in my brain‐‐
are they starting to also come out to the outside of me?
‐ You're fine.
You're great.
‐ Are you sure?
‐ I promise.
SINGER: ♪ Even when you can't see it ♪
♪ You try to believe ♪
‐ Yeah. I feel great.
I feel actually really fucking great.
Thanks.
I feel fucking great.
It's dog shit out there, Andrew.
Really fucking bad, okay?
And I don't have anything to show for it.
I'm sad, I'm mad, nobody in the world will hire me.
Everyone's real fucking good on their wheel shoes
showing off making me look like a dumbass.
Hello, 911?
Yes, could you please kill me
and then bury my body in the fucking dump?
Sucks.
‐ Dr. Martin Luther King once said‐‐
‐ Oh, my God. Shut up.
I don't need to talk to you anymore,
'cause there's my real fucking friend.
Amadi?
Amadi. AMADI: Annie.
‐ Can I have a real honesty talk with you, please?
‐ Yeah, okay, I get it‐‐she's drunk, and she's getting real.
‐ Yeah. Yeah. ‐ [laughs]
‐ [crying] I lied so much.
I miss working at "The Thorn."
I miss you guys. I miss money.
And I know Gabe is a dick, but I should have never quit.
And I have to tell you the truth.
There is‐‐ there's no job at "The Trib."
‐ Oh.
‐ So now I'm just a big fucking dumb liar who sucks.
‐ Hey, everyone's full of shit, okay?
It doesn't matter.
And if you want your job back, just go ask for it.
Gabe didn't fire you, you quit.
‐ Yeah, but I fucked everything up with Gabe,
and now he hates me, and he won't even look at me.
‐ No, he doesn't. I've been working with him a lot, okay?
When you quit, it spun him out.
‐ Really? ‐ Yeah.
He feels like an old close‐minded jerk.
And he might not admit it,
but he wants a redo just as bad as you do.
‐ You really think so? ‐ Yeah.
Now, go eat some shit and go get your job back.
I saw Gabe a minute ago over by the lockers.
‐ Okay, you are such a angel to me.
Such a true angel.
And you actually have a call. ‐ All right.
‐ It's from God. ‐ Okay. It's God?
‐ And He wants to thank you for your service.
‐ Okay. God, what's up, man?
[psychedelic rock music]
‐ [sighs] Gabe?
Are we allowed in here?
Um...
I'm just‐‐ I'm just gonna say it.
I want my job back, and I'm sorry.
And I also should confess.
Currently I am drunk.
But I do still mean all the words.
And‐‐and‐‐
and if you have me back,
you can give me all the shit assignments you want.
Anything you want, and I will say thank you,
and I'll do it with a smile.
I just really, really, really want people with real eyes
to read my work again and not just penis bots.
♪ ♪
Please. ‐ Okay, I like "please."
"Please" I like.
I like a long ple‐e‐ase.
‐ I should have never quit.
I should have come to talk to you,
and I always thought you were the coolest,
the most authentic, smart, cool‐‐
‐ I‐I am.
‐ Yes.
You‐‐you totally are.
‐ If I was to take you back, Annie,
you would have to experience my res‐‐
you'd have to respect my experience,
because I have been doing this for 20 years.
And you have been doing this for 20 minutes.
‐ Yes, and maybe you could be open
to the idea that I am talented
and I deserve respect as well.
♪ ♪
Or‐‐or‐‐or not.
It's not a deal breaker.
I'll come back either that way or the other way, with no‐‐
‐ Annie, you need to learn what the rules are before you‐‐
before you just break 'em.
‐ That is‐‐that is so smart.
‐ I want to be your mentor.
But you won't let me.
‐ Yeah, but does that mean I can come back?
‐ Yeah!
‐ Oh, wow, yes.
Thank you. Thank you so much.
I was so scared you were gonna say no,
and I'm so happy.
I‐I promise you,
I can really appreciate what "The Thorn" is now.
♪ ♪
Gabe?
[Gabe muttering indistinctly]
Gabe?
‐ K hole.
[Gabe muttering] Why won't...anybody help me?
‐ What?
‐ [muttering] Get me out of my body.
‐ Help you get out of your body?
‐ I want that fucking thing, man!
Come on! Machines have taken over!
They atomized the Midwest! The opioid epidemic is happening!
All right, give me this fucking thing!
‐ I believe in you!
‐ Machines will not control me!
[people roar]
Get it! Get the fuckin' thing! Get it!
‐ Oh, my God. ‐ Give me the watch!
‐ Right there. ‐ Yeah!
[all cheering] Yes! We did it!
‐ Fuck society!
‐ That's right! [all screaming]
I did this for you guys!
I'm the one that‐‐ ‐ Ryan!
‐ Oh, shit.
‐ Ryan!
I love you!
You're one of us now!
‐ I love you guys! BEAU: I love you, too.
‐ My hair. ‐ No.
No. Okay, see?
Gabe, we're gonna get you home nice and safe, okay?
And, yes, Monday you're my boss,
but tonight you're my baby.
You know, and babies get kissed.
See that? Oh!
Here's a car that I called for you, okay?
Hi. Tyler?
Okay, you actually‐‐ This is Gabe.
And you're gonna have a baby on board here, okay?
So you need to get him home, okeydokey?
‐ [grunts]
‐ Thank you, sir.
Um, okay, Gabe?
I'm gonna see you on Monday.
I love you.
Bye!
Oh, this is the best night of my life!
[retches, gasps]
I'm sorry.
[retches, coughs]
I'm so disgusting.
Just, please, don't look at me.
‐ It's okay.
It's totally okay.
Oh, shit.
I just broke your hair.
‐ [crying] It's fucking fake. It's all fucking fake.
I'm so sorry you have to see me like this.
[sobs] ‐ I want to help.
‐ No, but you already helped me so much tonight.
Thank you for coming with me, 'cause I was so scared.
I was so embarrassed,
and now you're pushing my puke down the drain.
‐ I want to help.
‐ I'm so disgusting. I'm sorry.
[sobs]
[sighs]
‐ Don't say that.
Don't say you're gross and disgusting.
I don't care.
I'm sometimes gross.
We're allowed to be gross with each other.
I'll be gross with you always, Annie.
I love you.
‐ What?
‐ Yeah. I love you.
I've known for a while now.
[Jenny Lewis' "Do Si Do"]
‐ I love you. too.
JENNY LEWIS: ♪ Get back on your Paxil ♪
♪ Do‐si‐do ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ You're a pro ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Do‐si‐do ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Make the grown man cry ♪
♪ It's suicide ♪
♪ My, oh, my ♪
♪ Powerful minds ♪
♪ And suicide ♪
♪ My, oh, my ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Powerful minds ♪
♪ And suicide ♪
♪ My, oh, my ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Do‐si‐do ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Rock and roll ♪
♪ ♪