1
00:00:06,047 --> 00:00:08,049
[indistinct chattering]

2
00:00:15,640 --> 00:00:16,850
[faint laughter]

3
00:00:18,518 --> 00:00:22,313
-[audience cheering and applauding]
-Oh!

4
00:00:22,814 --> 00:00:24,482
What the fuck, Boston?

5
00:00:25,108 --> 00:00:26,067
Goddamn!

6
00:00:27,527 --> 00:00:28,486
Thank you.

7
00:00:29,112 --> 00:00:31,489
It's good to be here.
Good to be back.

8
00:00:33,116 --> 00:00:33,950
Fuck!

9
00:00:34,993 --> 00:00:35,910
I love it.

10
00:00:36,286 --> 00:00:37,120
Goddamn it!

11
00:00:38,246 --> 00:00:39,706
Good to see happy people...

12
00:00:40,540 --> 00:00:41,541
having a good time.

13
00:00:42,751 --> 00:00:44,878
It's a tense world we're living in today.

14
00:00:45,712 --> 00:00:49,966
You got a president that's threatening
to fight an ex-vice president.

15
00:00:50,091 --> 00:00:51,217
[laughter]

16
00:00:51,301 --> 00:00:52,886
You pay attention to that shit?

17
00:00:53,386 --> 00:00:55,055
It's a couple weeks ago on Twitter.

18
00:00:55,138 --> 00:00:57,182
Donald Trump said that
if he fought Joe Biden,

19
00:00:57,265 --> 00:00:59,392
Joe Biden would go down fast and hard.

20
00:00:59,601 --> 00:01:01,061
[laughter]

21
00:01:01,186 --> 00:01:03,855
I want to get in his ear. I'll be like,
"Let's make this happen, bro."

22
00:01:03,938 --> 00:01:05,523
-[laughter]
-There's money on the table.

23
00:01:05,607 --> 00:01:07,942
-I'll commentate for free.
-[laughter]

24
00:01:08,026 --> 00:01:10,570
No rules, grow your nails out,
wear a diaper.

25
00:01:10,653 --> 00:01:12,572
-No clothes. To the death.
-[laughter]

26
00:01:13,323 --> 00:01:14,157
Fuck it.

27
00:01:15,825 --> 00:01:17,786
Let's bring this thing totally down.

28
00:01:18,495 --> 00:01:21,498
Seems like every day you turn on the news,
more and more crazy shit.

29
00:01:21,915 --> 00:01:24,918
When are we going to realize
we shouldn't have a fucking president?

30
00:01:25,001 --> 00:01:27,796
It's a ridiculous idea
to have a popularity contest

31
00:01:27,879 --> 00:01:29,547
to see who controls everything.

32
00:01:29,964 --> 00:01:31,800
Because if you could go back in time

33
00:01:31,883 --> 00:01:35,428
and grab Thomas Jefferson
and bring him to 2018...

34
00:01:36,638 --> 00:01:38,181
his first question would be...

35
00:01:39,140 --> 00:01:40,975
"You guys didn't write any new shit?

36
00:01:41,101 --> 00:01:43,103
[laughter]

37
00:01:46,731 --> 00:01:49,776
-Dude, I wrote that with a feather.
-[laughter]

38
00:01:51,069 --> 00:01:52,278
I did it by fire!

39
00:01:52,362 --> 00:01:54,364
That's the only way I could see
what I was writing!

40
00:01:54,781 --> 00:01:55,907
You lazy fucks!

41
00:01:56,658 --> 00:01:59,452
You guys have phones in your pockets
and spaceships!

42
00:02:01,204 --> 00:02:03,748
'But the wisdom of the scroll
shall not be adjusted.'

43
00:02:03,832 --> 00:02:05,667
What the fuck does that even mean?

44
00:02:05,792 --> 00:02:08,169
Who told you that, bro?"

45
00:02:08,461 --> 00:02:09,796
[laughter]

46
00:02:10,547 --> 00:02:13,925
We always like to say, "The long,
great history of the United States."

47
00:02:14,592 --> 00:02:15,969
Listen, that's not real.

48
00:02:16,928 --> 00:02:20,056
The United States was founded in 1776.

49
00:02:20,390 --> 00:02:21,850
People live to be a hundred.

50
00:02:23,309 --> 00:02:24,644
That's three people ago.

51
00:02:24,769 --> 00:02:26,312
[laughter]

52
00:02:30,275 --> 00:02:31,693
You're like, "Is he right?"

53
00:02:31,776 --> 00:02:32,610
Yeah!

54
00:02:32,735 --> 00:02:35,613
The Fear Factor guy just hit you
with a fucking math quiz!

55
00:02:35,697 --> 00:02:36,865
[laughter]

56
00:02:36,948 --> 00:02:38,658
Three people ago!

57
00:02:39,868 --> 00:02:42,871
Listen to me, you're not going
to get this from teachers.

58
00:02:43,037 --> 00:02:45,498
We used to be monkeys,
and we found mushrooms,

59
00:02:45,582 --> 00:02:49,127
and now we're different.
And it's real, real recent.

60
00:02:49,210 --> 00:02:50,253
[laughter]

61
00:02:50,336 --> 00:02:51,921
No one knows what's going on.

62
00:02:52,005 --> 00:02:56,050
Three people ago, slave owners
made boats out of trees,

63
00:02:56,259 --> 00:02:59,179
and used the power of the wind
to drift across the ocean.

64
00:02:59,596 --> 00:03:01,764
They didn't have a YouTube video
to watch first.

65
00:03:01,848 --> 00:03:03,683
They didn't talk to a travel agent.

66
00:03:04,517 --> 00:03:06,186
You know what they had?
A drawing.

67
00:03:06,269 --> 00:03:08,855
-Some guy went there and drew it.
-[laughter]

68
00:03:08,938 --> 00:03:10,899
Like, "Are you sure that's what you saw?"

69
00:03:10,982 --> 00:03:13,610
"That's what I saw!
You callin' me a liar?"

70
00:03:13,693 --> 00:03:16,112
And they had a gunfight
in the dirt streets.

71
00:03:16,196 --> 00:03:18,990
They were fucking savages
just three people ago.

72
00:03:19,157 --> 00:03:21,618
They took their baby
and jumped on a boat

73
00:03:21,701 --> 00:03:24,329
and floated across the fucking ocean
with their kids.

74
00:03:25,246 --> 00:03:26,164
Animals.

75
00:03:27,498 --> 00:03:28,416
That's us.

76
00:03:31,211 --> 00:03:32,086
It just happened.

77
00:03:32,712 --> 00:03:34,631
Real recent!

78
00:03:36,549 --> 00:03:38,176
"I just never saw Trump coming."

79
00:03:38,259 --> 00:03:40,261
Well, you don't pay attention to trends.

80
00:03:40,511 --> 00:03:42,555
We have a very clear trend
in this country.

81
00:03:42,764 --> 00:03:44,557
We try one person as president,

82
00:03:44,641 --> 00:03:47,101
and the next person has to be
completely opposite.

83
00:03:47,393 --> 00:03:50,021
'Cause no one can do the job correctly.

84
00:03:50,146 --> 00:03:52,649
So we let someone try it
and we're like, "He fucked it up."

85
00:03:52,732 --> 00:03:55,235
We go with this guy
who's totally different,

86
00:03:55,318 --> 00:03:57,111
who's got our interests in mind.

87
00:03:57,779 --> 00:03:59,197
And we always do the same thing.

88
00:03:59,280 --> 00:04:01,991
We go right, left, dumb, smart.
We give everybody a chance.

89
00:04:02,075 --> 00:04:04,327
-[laughter]
-We go Clinton, Bush.

90
00:04:04,410 --> 00:04:06,329
Then we go Bush, Obama.

91
00:04:06,412 --> 00:04:07,789
Obama, Trump.

92
00:04:08,623 --> 00:04:11,918
We just got out
of a long-term relationship

93
00:04:12,210 --> 00:04:15,880
with a very boring but sensible person,

94
00:04:16,798 --> 00:04:20,218
and now we're dating a whore.

95
00:04:20,510 --> 00:04:22,512
-[laughter]
-[cheers and applause]

96
00:04:23,888 --> 00:04:24,722
All right?

97
00:04:26,557 --> 00:04:28,309
She's got fake hair.

98
00:04:28,393 --> 00:04:29,686
She's racist.

99
00:04:30,645 --> 00:04:32,355
She's always lying.

100
00:04:32,438 --> 00:04:34,607
We don't care!

101
00:04:35,525 --> 00:04:37,277
We're not trying to start a family,

102
00:04:37,360 --> 00:04:39,362
we just want to run red lights
and fuck.

103
00:04:39,445 --> 00:04:41,447
-[laughter]
-All right?

104
00:04:41,531 --> 00:04:42,573
[applause]

105
00:04:42,782 --> 00:04:45,076
For real. We don't know what we're doing.

106
00:04:45,159 --> 00:04:49,080
If this country was a person, we'd be
on coke, driving a yellow Corvette,

107
00:04:49,914 --> 00:04:53,001
singing Mötley Crüe songs
in front of our ex's house.

108
00:04:53,084 --> 00:04:54,252
[laughter]

109
00:04:55,586 --> 00:04:58,423
-We're going crazy!
-[laughter]

110
00:04:59,549 --> 00:05:03,052
"Well, it would have been so much better
if Hillary won." [moans]

111
00:05:03,136 --> 00:05:05,555
-[audience cheers]
-"Oh, we got so close!"

112
00:05:05,638 --> 00:05:07,890
"Oh! We almost had a woman!"

113
00:05:09,767 --> 00:05:12,145
Oh, girls, relax.

114
00:05:12,478 --> 00:05:15,857
I think a woman can be president.

115
00:05:16,357 --> 00:05:21,112
But let's not use a lying old lady
who faints a lot.

116
00:05:21,195 --> 00:05:23,031
[laughter]

117
00:05:23,114 --> 00:05:25,116
I think you can do better.

118
00:05:26,409 --> 00:05:28,286
It's not that I don't think a woman
can be president.

119
00:05:28,369 --> 00:05:31,664
I'm fucking sure a woman can fuck it up
just as bad as the men that fucked it up.

120
00:05:31,748 --> 00:05:33,624
No one's going to do it right.

121
00:05:34,667 --> 00:05:37,795
But if Hillary Clinton was my own mom,
I'd be like, "Mom!

122
00:05:38,546 --> 00:05:40,006
You can't be president.

123
00:05:40,256 --> 00:05:42,050
You can't stand up fast."

124
00:05:42,175 --> 00:05:44,135
[laughter]

125
00:05:44,594 --> 00:05:45,803
"I'll show you!

126
00:05:45,887 --> 00:05:48,806
One ring to rule them all..."
[groans]

127
00:05:48,890 --> 00:05:50,767
[laughter and applause]

128
00:05:52,477 --> 00:05:56,147
[in a woman's voice]
"Oh, you're sexist! I see, you're sexist!

129
00:05:56,230 --> 00:05:57,690
As well as short.

130
00:05:57,815 --> 00:05:59,984
You're fucking sexist!"

131
00:06:00,777 --> 00:06:03,154
Ugh! Defuse my point of view.

132
00:06:04,405 --> 00:06:05,823
I am sexist.

133
00:06:06,866 --> 00:06:08,618
But I'm sexist against men.

134
00:06:09,369 --> 00:06:11,746
I decided during this whole
Harvey Weinstein thing.

135
00:06:12,080 --> 00:06:12,997
This is why.

136
00:06:13,081 --> 00:06:14,540
That's when I realized I was...

137
00:06:14,624 --> 00:06:16,376
I had some suspicions...

138
00:06:16,834 --> 00:06:18,711
that I might be sexist before that.

139
00:06:18,878 --> 00:06:20,380
[laughter]

140
00:06:22,006 --> 00:06:23,466
That's when I really decided.

141
00:06:23,716 --> 00:06:26,260
'Cause what Harvey Weinstein did,
it was fucking terrible.

142
00:06:26,344 --> 00:06:27,553
Can you imagine being an actress?

143
00:06:27,637 --> 00:06:30,390
You gotta fuck that guy
in order to make it. Like, ugh.

144
00:06:30,848 --> 00:06:34,644
What a horrible choice.
Like, what a terrible position to be in!

145
00:06:34,727 --> 00:06:38,564
"This is the only way?" That sucks.
That's fucking... That's criminal.

146
00:06:38,689 --> 00:06:41,984
I think that guy's a piece of shit.
I think he should be punished.

147
00:06:42,610 --> 00:06:45,071
-But!
-[laughter]

148
00:06:45,363 --> 00:06:48,533
If he had done the exact same thing
to men,

149
00:06:48,616 --> 00:06:50,118
I wouldn't give a fuck.

150
00:06:50,201 --> 00:06:51,619
[laughter]

151
00:06:54,622 --> 00:06:56,457
I wouldn't even be slightly upset.

152
00:06:56,541 --> 00:06:57,959
[laughter]

153
00:06:58,584 --> 00:07:01,212
If I was reading the morning paper
and I read a story

154
00:07:01,295 --> 00:07:04,632
about a bunch of dudes who let
Harvey Weinstein fuck 'em...

155
00:07:04,841 --> 00:07:07,552
-[laughter]
-so they could be in superhero movies...

156
00:07:07,635 --> 00:07:08,469
[laughter]

157
00:07:08,678 --> 00:07:11,264
I'd read that, I'd go, "Ha-ha!"

158
00:07:11,347 --> 00:07:12,682
[laughter]

159
00:07:12,807 --> 00:07:13,891
What else?

160
00:07:14,976 --> 00:07:16,811
What else is happening?
[chuckles]

161
00:07:16,894 --> 00:07:17,937
[laughter and applause]

162
00:07:18,020 --> 00:07:21,065
-I wouldn't be clamoring for justice.
-[audience member] Woo!

163
00:07:21,149 --> 00:07:22,692
[laughter]

164
00:07:23,067 --> 00:07:27,780
If Harvey Weinstein was a woman
who looked like Harvey Weinstein...

165
00:07:27,989 --> 00:07:29,490
[laughter]

166
00:07:29,574 --> 00:07:33,744
and she did the exact same shit to men,
my only question would be, "Hey!

167
00:07:34,036 --> 00:07:35,663
How bad you want to be Batman?

168
00:07:35,788 --> 00:07:37,790
[laughter and applause]

169
00:07:37,999 --> 00:07:39,625
How long is it going to take, bro?

170
00:07:39,709 --> 00:07:43,296
You could wait tables in this town
for 20 years and never catch a break.

171
00:07:44,130 --> 00:07:46,215
Or you give the nice lady what she wants.

172
00:07:46,299 --> 00:07:47,717
[laughter]

173
00:07:49,635 --> 00:07:52,930
Jude Law is in the waiting room
and he's wearing a lobster bib.

174
00:07:53,014 --> 00:07:55,141
-You tell me...
-[laughter]

175
00:07:55,266 --> 00:07:56,809
if you want to be a winner.

176
00:07:56,893 --> 00:07:58,269
[laughter]

177
00:07:58,478 --> 00:08:01,314
They don't fucking give
Ferraris away, son!

178
00:08:01,522 --> 00:08:03,232
They make 'em by hand."

179
00:08:03,316 --> 00:08:04,609
[laughter]

180
00:08:07,945 --> 00:08:10,490
If Harvey Weinstein propositioned
my daughter

181
00:08:10,573 --> 00:08:14,035
and offered her a movie role
in exchange for sex,

182
00:08:14,452 --> 00:08:18,080
I, like every other parent in this room,
would want to fuck him up.

183
00:08:22,084 --> 00:08:23,878
But if Harvina Weinstein...

184
00:08:24,045 --> 00:08:25,505
[laughter]

185
00:08:25,671 --> 00:08:28,299
came to my son with a solid contract...

186
00:08:28,382 --> 00:08:30,218
[laughter]

187
00:08:30,593 --> 00:08:33,596
I'd be like,
"Dude, you're gonna be Batman.

188
00:08:33,888 --> 00:08:35,806
[laughter and applause]

189
00:08:35,932 --> 00:08:37,141
Yes, you are.

190
00:08:37,225 --> 00:08:40,061
-[cheers and applause]
-[whistles]

191
00:08:40,144 --> 00:08:45,149
Hey, no crying!
Batman doesn't cry! Come on!"

192
00:08:48,152 --> 00:08:50,029
"Your own son? Really?"

193
00:08:50,112 --> 00:08:51,614
Jaaaaa.

194
00:08:52,198 --> 00:08:54,200
What's the worst thing that can happen?

195
00:08:57,537 --> 00:08:58,663
It'd be a harder job.

196
00:08:59,580 --> 00:09:01,165
It'd be hard to please Harvina.

197
00:09:01,499 --> 00:09:02,500
[laughter]

198
00:09:02,750 --> 00:09:03,584
Right?

199
00:09:04,043 --> 00:09:06,045
Rich old lady, it's probably real hard
to make 'em come.

200
00:09:06,128 --> 00:09:09,215
You gotta make eye contact,
you gotta lock in with them.

201
00:09:09,757 --> 00:09:13,052
They got to know
you're involved in this project.

202
00:09:13,928 --> 00:09:17,014
Right? Rich old ladies are probably
super skeptical. [grunts]

203
00:09:17,181 --> 00:09:18,933
[laughter]

204
00:09:21,936 --> 00:09:24,730
Look. Always, always maintain eye contact.

205
00:09:25,106 --> 00:09:26,315
That wouldn't be the hard part.

206
00:09:26,399 --> 00:09:28,901
The hard part is,
when you go down on Harvina,

207
00:09:28,985 --> 00:09:31,320
she likes to rest her fat gut
on your forehead.

208
00:09:31,904 --> 00:09:34,657
And the sweat!
The sweat gets in your eyes!

209
00:09:35,700 --> 00:09:37,577
And it stings like sunscreen!

210
00:09:37,660 --> 00:09:42,623
But you gotta keep 'em open
'cause you want a Ferrari! Aah! Aah!

211
00:09:42,707 --> 00:09:43,874
[laughter]

212
00:09:45,209 --> 00:09:46,294
Nobody cares.

213
00:09:47,128 --> 00:09:50,256
Nobody cares about boys
that have to eat pussy. No one cares.

214
00:09:50,339 --> 00:09:51,716
[laughter]

215
00:09:52,508 --> 00:09:54,719
We're all sexist against men.

216
00:09:55,386 --> 00:09:57,722
No one cares. No one feels bad.

217
00:09:57,972 --> 00:09:59,515
[faint laughter]

218
00:09:59,932 --> 00:10:02,476
"How'd you get that car?"
"Man, I had to eat pussy for it."

219
00:10:02,560 --> 00:10:03,728
"You gonna be okay?"

220
00:10:03,811 --> 00:10:05,688
[laughter]

221
00:10:07,315 --> 00:10:08,566
Feel bad for you.

222
00:10:10,401 --> 00:10:12,903
-[Joe laughs]
-[laughter]

223
00:10:13,070 --> 00:10:16,824
Look, I get it. Men are gross, ladies.
I'm on your side.

224
00:10:18,492 --> 00:10:20,369
My favorite example of the difference

225
00:10:20,494 --> 00:10:23,914
between the way men and women are treated
was always old school Fox News.

226
00:10:25,124 --> 00:10:27,793
I used to watch it without the sound on,

227
00:10:27,877 --> 00:10:30,296
so it's almost like watching
a wildlife program,

228
00:10:31,005 --> 00:10:32,506
just watch them move around.

229
00:10:32,798 --> 00:10:35,259
I was watching it once
and Megyn Kelly was on,

230
00:10:35,509 --> 00:10:38,763
and she was on with Bill O'Reilly.
They were right next to each other,

231
00:10:38,971 --> 00:10:41,098
so I assumed they were
in the same climate.

232
00:10:43,017 --> 00:10:45,603
But Bill O'Reilly was dressed
like there was a chill in the air.

233
00:10:46,520 --> 00:10:49,482
He had a jacket on, a shirt,
a tie, and pants.

234
00:10:49,899 --> 00:10:52,068
And Megyn Kelly was wearing

235
00:10:52,526 --> 00:10:56,405
what would best be described
as a vagina curtain.

236
00:10:56,614 --> 00:10:58,616
[laughter]

237
00:11:01,077 --> 00:11:02,495
Not a good curtain either.

238
00:11:02,828 --> 00:11:07,249
Not like one of those Vegas curtains
that lets you sleep in late. No, no, no.

239
00:11:07,333 --> 00:11:10,878
No, this curtain is like that curtain
that sits over Grandma's kitchen sink.

240
00:11:11,003 --> 00:11:12,630
-You know that one?
-[laughter]

241
00:11:12,838 --> 00:11:15,508
Kind of flutters in the breeze.
You could always see the yard.

242
00:11:15,591 --> 00:11:16,842
You know that one?

243
00:11:17,343 --> 00:11:20,721
And Megyn Kelly's on TV
with smooth, slippery skin

244
00:11:20,805 --> 00:11:24,141
that doesn't exist in nature
outside the dolphin community.

245
00:11:24,308 --> 00:11:26,310
[laughter]

246
00:11:26,686 --> 00:11:27,937
You'd see her toes.

247
00:11:28,229 --> 00:11:30,064
You'd see her feet and her toes.

248
00:11:30,231 --> 00:11:34,068
She could just kick off her shoes
and there's a Dorito-sized piece of cloth

249
00:11:34,235 --> 00:11:36,696
keeping you from the greatest show
on earth.

250
00:11:36,821 --> 00:11:37,905
And it's right there.

251
00:11:37,988 --> 00:11:40,074
She knows it's right there,
you know it's right there

252
00:11:40,157 --> 00:11:42,076
and no one's saying a fucking word.

253
00:11:42,201 --> 00:11:45,788
And if she disagrees with you, she'll
adjust the curtain and switch her legs.

254
00:11:45,913 --> 00:11:46,831
Hmm.

255
00:11:47,206 --> 00:11:49,208
-[faint chuckles]
-Hmm.

256
00:11:49,291 --> 00:11:51,168
Nobody says nothing.

257
00:11:52,503 --> 00:11:53,963
If I was talking to a dude...

258
00:11:54,797 --> 00:11:56,298
and he didn't have any pants on...

259
00:11:56,382 --> 00:11:58,008
[laughter]

260
00:11:58,509 --> 00:12:00,553
and he kept switching his legs
back and forth...

261
00:12:02,179 --> 00:12:04,640
I'd be like, "Hey, man.Are we cool?

262
00:12:04,765 --> 00:12:06,767
[laughter]

263
00:12:08,936 --> 00:12:11,105
Where the fuck
are the rest of your clothes?

264
00:12:11,689 --> 00:12:14,024
Why you so itchy?
Where'd you get those shoes?"

265
00:12:14,608 --> 00:12:16,026
No one says shit

266
00:12:16,110 --> 00:12:20,114
while Megyn Kelly's over there trying
to start a fake tan fire in her pussy.

267
00:12:20,197 --> 00:12:21,323
[laughter]

268
00:12:21,490 --> 00:12:24,243
[blows air]

269
00:12:24,452 --> 00:12:26,078
[a clap, laughter]

270
00:12:26,495 --> 00:12:30,332
It's weird. I'm not saying there's
anything wrong with it, but it's weird.

271
00:12:30,666 --> 00:12:33,502
She doesn't have any sleeves on.
Where are your sleeves?

272
00:12:33,836 --> 00:12:34,837
[laughter]

273
00:12:36,881 --> 00:12:38,716
That's not weird? It's not weird,

274
00:12:39,133 --> 00:12:40,176
it's strange.

275
00:12:41,427 --> 00:12:42,803
"I want you to respect me."

276
00:12:42,887 --> 00:12:45,598
I want to respect you, but you're
half-naked and I want to fuck you,

277
00:12:45,681 --> 00:12:48,934
so I'm confused. I don't know what to do.

278
00:12:49,727 --> 00:12:52,104
I'm thinking of saying anything you want.

279
00:12:52,938 --> 00:12:55,900
Whatever you want me to say, I'll say it.
I want you to like me more.

280
00:12:57,568 --> 00:13:00,404
That's the problem with a woman
that's that beautiful and super smart.

281
00:13:00,488 --> 00:13:02,490
You know she's smarter than you.
She's a lawyer.

282
00:13:02,573 --> 00:13:04,992
She never says "um,"
she's smart as fuck.

283
00:13:05,075 --> 00:13:06,160
[laughter]

284
00:13:06,243 --> 00:13:10,956
And she's really, really, really pretty,
and she doesn't have a lot of clothes on.

285
00:13:12,291 --> 00:13:14,668
-She's gonna get her way. All right?
-[laughter]

286
00:13:15,044 --> 00:13:18,297
You won't tell her to go fuck herself.
You've to be super secure to do that.

287
00:13:20,841 --> 00:13:22,468
And you can see some of her tit.

288
00:13:22,635 --> 00:13:25,262
[laughter]

289
00:13:25,554 --> 00:13:26,639
That's weird, right?

290
00:13:26,722 --> 00:13:29,767
If I came here like this, you'd be like,
"Joe, what the fuck are you doing, man?"

291
00:13:29,850 --> 00:13:31,143
[laughter]

292
00:13:31,977 --> 00:13:35,231
Right, but if Megyn Kelly's on TV,
"Oh, she's just got a cute shirt on.

293
00:13:35,314 --> 00:13:37,441
It's just cute. It's cute."

294
00:13:37,691 --> 00:13:39,151
You could see some tit.

295
00:13:39,276 --> 00:13:40,820
You could see some middle tit.

296
00:13:41,278 --> 00:13:43,697
You might even see some side tit
if you catch...

297
00:13:43,781 --> 00:13:45,741
if she's pointing at something,
she might just...

298
00:13:45,825 --> 00:13:49,036
"I didn't even know you were looking at
my side tit." She'll just pretend.

299
00:13:49,119 --> 00:13:53,374
But long as you don't show
the dirty, dirty dark skin.

300
00:13:53,833 --> 00:13:57,545
-[groans] There it is!
-[cheers and laughter]

301
00:13:57,628 --> 00:14:01,257
The sensitive, forbidden skin!
Put it away!

302
00:14:01,340 --> 00:14:03,175
It's not for strangers!

303
00:14:03,467 --> 00:14:05,135
[laughter]

304
00:14:05,469 --> 00:14:07,346
That's fucking strange, ladies.

305
00:14:07,471 --> 00:14:09,807
Listen, don't listen to me. I'm a moron.

306
00:14:10,724 --> 00:14:13,561
Wear what you're wearing,
it looks great, but it's weird.

307
00:14:15,563 --> 00:14:17,815
You can show some of a sex organ.

308
00:14:19,066 --> 00:14:20,609
What if that was the case with dudes?

309
00:14:20,693 --> 00:14:23,195
What if we had a window in our pants,
we could just see the shaft?

310
00:14:23,279 --> 00:14:24,488
[laughter]

311
00:14:24,572 --> 00:14:26,866
Right? Just the shaft.

312
00:14:26,949 --> 00:14:27,908
[laughter]

313
00:14:28,033 --> 00:14:30,411
You can't see the head of my dick,
I'm not a creep.

314
00:14:30,494 --> 00:14:31,912
[laughter]

315
00:14:32,329 --> 00:14:34,707
Okay? Just a little side dick.

316
00:14:34,790 --> 00:14:36,792
[laughter]

317
00:14:37,167 --> 00:14:40,754
You have cleavage, we have tubage,
it's no big deal. It's whatever.

318
00:14:42,256 --> 00:14:44,967
Just showing a little tubage.
Why do I dress like that?

319
00:14:45,050 --> 00:14:48,512
To look cute for my friends. Okay? God!

320
00:14:48,637 --> 00:14:50,347
You're so fucking jealous.

321
00:14:51,891 --> 00:14:54,184
I need to get a sip of water.
Excuse me for a moment here.

322
00:14:55,144 --> 00:14:56,228
[Joe clears throat]

323
00:14:59,023 --> 00:15:02,026
I probably should've taken this onstage
with me, but I'm trying to be cool.

324
00:15:04,320 --> 00:15:05,905
That's that cotton mouth, son.

325
00:15:06,071 --> 00:15:07,448
[laughter]

326
00:15:08,198 --> 00:15:09,658
[sniffs, clears throat]
Woo!

327
00:15:09,742 --> 00:15:11,160
[cheers and applause]

328
00:15:11,243 --> 00:15:12,494
Yeah, you guys are legal now.

329
00:15:12,578 --> 00:15:15,039
I grew up here. We used to hide
in the bushes and smoke weed.

330
00:15:15,581 --> 00:15:18,292
Ridiculous. Hiding from cops
that are now getting high.

331
00:15:18,751 --> 00:15:21,795
Going, "What do I do to all those
fucking kids? Hoo-hoo-hoo."

332
00:15:21,879 --> 00:15:23,881
[laughter]

333
00:15:24,673 --> 00:15:26,216
The real problem is the laws.

334
00:15:26,342 --> 00:15:28,177
And Massachusetts finally has good laws.

335
00:15:28,260 --> 00:15:31,722
-We'll be able to understand...
-[cheers and applause]

336
00:15:31,931 --> 00:15:33,807
what pot actually is.

337
00:15:34,600 --> 00:15:36,352
Florida's got the craziest laws,

338
00:15:36,435 --> 00:15:38,979
'cause Florida's trying to protect
their pain pill industry.

339
00:15:39,271 --> 00:15:41,565
So in Florida, they make it so illegal,

340
00:15:41,649 --> 00:15:45,361
this is one of the things they do
in Florida: they hire undercover cops

341
00:15:45,569 --> 00:15:47,613
to pretend to be high school students.

342
00:15:47,988 --> 00:15:50,532
Specifically a hot woman.

343
00:15:50,616 --> 00:15:53,202
They hired a 25-year-old hot woman

344
00:15:53,410 --> 00:15:55,829
to pretend to be a high school student,

345
00:15:56,246 --> 00:15:57,748
flirt with boys,

346
00:15:58,082 --> 00:16:00,334
get those boys to sell her weed,

347
00:16:00,751 --> 00:16:02,127
and then arrest them.

348
00:16:02,336 --> 00:16:03,963
[faint laughter]

349
00:16:05,089 --> 00:16:06,924
I don't like to use the word "cunt."

350
00:16:07,007 --> 00:16:09,009
[laughter]

351
00:16:09,885 --> 00:16:12,179
When I use it,
I want it to mean something.

352
00:16:12,596 --> 00:16:17,142
That's a cunt. That lady's a piece of...
fucking human garbage.

353
00:16:17,309 --> 00:16:19,853
-You fucking asshole. Here's the thing.
-[laughter]

354
00:16:20,896 --> 00:16:22,314
Not only is it not fair,

355
00:16:22,398 --> 00:16:25,150
that is one of the most sexist stories
you'll ever hear.

356
00:16:25,442 --> 00:16:28,195
Here's why it's sexist.
It's sexist against boys. Here's why.

357
00:16:28,278 --> 00:16:31,865
You could never imagine that story
if the genders were reversed.

358
00:16:33,200 --> 00:16:37,246
If you found out that a 25-year-old man
was throwing dick

359
00:16:37,413 --> 00:16:39,665
at your 17-year-old daughter,

360
00:16:39,915 --> 00:16:43,085
and he talked her into selling him weed,

361
00:16:43,168 --> 00:16:44,712
and then he arrested her,

362
00:16:44,837 --> 00:16:50,342
we would light that motherfucker
on fire in the street. Right?

363
00:16:50,634 --> 00:16:52,636
[cheers and applause]

364
00:16:54,346 --> 00:16:57,057
But if it was my own son
who got arrested by that cop,

365
00:16:57,141 --> 00:16:59,977
-I'd be like, "How'd it go?
-[laughter]

366
00:17:00,144 --> 00:17:01,395
Tell me what happened.

367
00:17:01,520 --> 00:17:04,898
Record? You're worried about your record?
You got a story, dude. You got a...

368
00:17:05,065 --> 00:17:09,319
You're the first guy ever
to get arrested by an undercover cop

369
00:17:09,403 --> 00:17:11,113
you thought was his girlfriend.

370
00:17:11,196 --> 00:17:12,406
[laughter]

371
00:17:12,698 --> 00:17:14,450
That's a fucking hell of a story."

372
00:17:16,076 --> 00:17:18,287
Some people are, like,
hard asses about it like,

373
00:17:18,370 --> 00:17:20,581
"Shoulda known better.
He's almost 18."

374
00:17:20,998 --> 00:17:23,042
Yeah, but he's almost 16 too.

375
00:17:23,125 --> 00:17:24,543
[laughter]

376
00:17:25,044 --> 00:17:27,421
Which is almost 15.
That's like a little kid.

377
00:17:27,796 --> 00:17:30,257
Do you remember what you were like
when you were 17?

378
00:17:30,340 --> 00:17:32,051
You didn't know
what the fuck was going on.

379
00:17:32,134 --> 00:17:33,927
And this kid wasn't even a drug dealer.

380
00:17:34,011 --> 00:17:38,307
This kid, it's not like he got caught.
No, this kid was a straight-A student

381
00:17:38,390 --> 00:17:40,768
that thought he was getting pot
for his girlfriend.

382
00:17:40,893 --> 00:17:43,312
He even tried to give it to her.
She wouldn't accept it.

383
00:17:43,395 --> 00:17:45,731
She wanted to give him money,
so she could arrest him.

384
00:17:47,608 --> 00:17:49,902
But he had to know,
he was a smart kid.

385
00:17:50,360 --> 00:17:52,863
He had to know.
He had to know something was off.

386
00:17:53,697 --> 00:17:54,990
'Cause here's what it's like:

387
00:17:55,074 --> 00:17:58,452
a 25-year-old woman is not the same
as a 17-year-old girl.

388
00:17:58,535 --> 00:18:00,704
They look similar,
but they're not the same.

389
00:18:00,871 --> 00:18:04,166
Here's what it's like: I had this dog once
that I got from the pound.

390
00:18:04,333 --> 00:18:06,335
[laughter]

391
00:18:06,835 --> 00:18:08,128
You know how you get a dog...

392
00:18:08,212 --> 00:18:10,506
"Are you comparing women to dogs?"
No!

393
00:18:10,589 --> 00:18:12,132
[laughter]

394
00:18:12,382 --> 00:18:13,217
You'll see.

395
00:18:13,425 --> 00:18:15,427
[laughter]

396
00:18:16,762 --> 00:18:18,931
The dog, she was a sweetheart
of a dog,

397
00:18:19,014 --> 00:18:21,225
but she had been the pound too long,
she was real sketchy.

398
00:18:21,308 --> 00:18:24,228
And I would bring her around other dogs,

399
00:18:24,311 --> 00:18:25,938
and, like, when a dog has been
in the pound,

400
00:18:26,021 --> 00:18:28,315
like, every other dog they think
is going to take their food

401
00:18:28,398 --> 00:18:30,776
or take their bed.
So I take it to the dog park,

402
00:18:30,859 --> 00:18:35,739
and she'd see dogs and go,
"Fuck off! Fuck off!"

403
00:18:36,031 --> 00:18:38,158
And every dog would be like,
"Whoa, Jesus."

404
00:18:38,242 --> 00:18:39,618
[laughter]

405
00:18:40,160 --> 00:18:43,664
That's how she acted with every single dog
till one day,

406
00:18:44,123 --> 00:18:46,291
one day I brought her to the dog park

407
00:18:46,458 --> 00:18:48,168
and somebody brought a wolf.

408
00:18:49,545 --> 00:18:54,258
Some fucking hippie asshole
with wooden beads on, wearing sandals,

409
00:18:54,341 --> 00:18:58,220
this motherfucker brought a thing
that eats dogs

410
00:18:58,720 --> 00:19:01,390
into a cage filled with dogs!

411
00:19:01,473 --> 00:19:02,891
[laughter]

412
00:19:03,100 --> 00:19:05,727
My dog looked at that wolf
and looked at me and went,

413
00:19:05,811 --> 00:19:07,855
"That's not a fucking dog!

414
00:19:09,022 --> 00:19:09,940
Aah!"

415
00:19:10,023 --> 00:19:10,983
[laughter]

416
00:19:11,191 --> 00:19:13,068
She knew.
I don't know how she knew.

417
00:19:13,318 --> 00:19:14,903
She didn't grow up in Alaska.

418
00:19:14,987 --> 00:19:17,739
She wasn't a Montana dog.
How the fuck did she know?

419
00:19:19,199 --> 00:19:20,200
But she knew.

420
00:19:21,493 --> 00:19:22,369
Somehow.

421
00:19:22,870 --> 00:19:24,872
Somehow.

422
00:19:25,706 --> 00:19:29,209
That had to be what it was like
when that 17-year-old boy

423
00:19:29,293 --> 00:19:31,128
was around that 25-year-old woman.

424
00:19:31,211 --> 00:19:33,255
Like, "Um, where'd you go to school?

425
00:19:33,380 --> 00:19:35,382
-Unh? Hmm?"
-[laughter]

426
00:19:35,674 --> 00:19:38,552
She's like touching him.
[groaning]

427
00:19:42,598 --> 00:19:46,059
'Cause 17-year-old girls don't sound
anything like 25-year-old women.

428
00:19:46,185 --> 00:19:47,769
You ever talk to a 17-year-old kid?

429
00:19:47,853 --> 00:19:49,438
They don't know
what the fuck they're saying.

430
00:19:49,521 --> 00:19:51,648
They're basically just practicing talking.

431
00:19:51,732 --> 00:19:54,109
[laughter]

432
00:19:54,526 --> 00:19:56,945
They've only been talking
for, like, a few years.

433
00:19:57,029 --> 00:19:58,280
[laughter]

434
00:19:58,488 --> 00:20:00,449
They don't know
how to make shit sound good.

435
00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:04,161
They're like, "Have you heard
the new Drake song? It's so fire!"

436
00:20:04,244 --> 00:20:05,829
You're like...
[groaning]

437
00:20:06,413 --> 00:20:09,833
Argh! What the fuck did you do to my ears?

438
00:20:13,378 --> 00:20:19,134
Meanwhile the 25-year-old cop's like,
"Let's go back to my house,

439
00:20:19,509 --> 00:20:21,887
smoke some pot,

440
00:20:22,054 --> 00:20:23,972
and snuggle."

441
00:20:25,140 --> 00:20:26,225
That kid's like...

442
00:20:27,392 --> 00:20:28,685
"You have a house?

443
00:20:28,769 --> 00:20:30,771
[laughter]

444
00:20:32,481 --> 00:20:35,234
-How the fuck did you get a house?"
-[laughter]

445
00:20:36,443 --> 00:20:38,695
Your dumb friends are like,
"She saves, bro.

446
00:20:38,820 --> 00:20:40,822
[laughter]

447
00:20:41,198 --> 00:20:43,200
My cousin did it,
my cousin bought a house."

448
00:20:43,283 --> 00:20:45,285
Kids are always lying.
17-year-old kids.

449
00:20:45,369 --> 00:20:48,038
"Yeah, my cousin bought three houses
by the time he was four."

450
00:20:48,413 --> 00:20:50,082
What? Four?

451
00:20:50,332 --> 00:20:52,334
[laughter]

452
00:20:53,126 --> 00:20:57,005
Seventeen. "You should know better."
You know how crazy that is to say?

453
00:20:57,172 --> 00:21:02,094
That is a short amount of time
on this planet, seventeen years old.

454
00:21:02,177 --> 00:21:03,929
And it's a confusing time.

455
00:21:04,012 --> 00:21:06,640
Maybe one of the most
confusing times ever for a boy,

456
00:21:06,723 --> 00:21:10,519
because your life is a certain way
for 13 years,

457
00:21:10,602 --> 00:21:13,105
and then you start getting
uncontrollable boners

458
00:21:13,188 --> 00:21:14,815
right around 13 years in.

459
00:21:14,940 --> 00:21:17,276
For 13 years you think you got
life mapped out.

460
00:21:17,359 --> 00:21:20,612
"I get life, you do what you want,
you kind of have a good time.

461
00:21:20,696 --> 00:21:22,739
You ride your bike
and you play your games,

462
00:21:22,823 --> 00:21:24,116
hang out with your buddies."

463
00:21:24,199 --> 00:21:26,660
And then suddenly two years later
you're waking up going,

464
00:21:26,743 --> 00:21:29,454
-[screaming] "What do you want from me?"
-[laughter]

465
00:21:29,538 --> 00:21:32,207
And your dick's like...
[groaning]

466
00:21:32,457 --> 00:21:33,667
Every day.

467
00:21:33,792 --> 00:21:37,170
Every day. Confusion. "Do I love you?"

468
00:21:37,296 --> 00:21:38,755
[laughter]

469
00:21:40,173 --> 00:21:43,302
"What are you gonna do for a living, bro?"
Another thing you get when you're 17.

470
00:21:43,385 --> 00:21:45,512
"What are you gonna do?
You're almost a man. Be a loser?"

471
00:21:45,595 --> 00:21:47,055
"I don't know."

472
00:21:47,264 --> 00:21:49,641
And then you see,
you see around you all these people

473
00:21:49,725 --> 00:21:51,101
that are chasing bullshit.

474
00:21:51,184 --> 00:21:53,854
Material possessions and nonsense lives,

475
00:21:53,979 --> 00:21:56,857
doing things they hate
and getting stuck in a rut.

476
00:21:56,940 --> 00:22:00,068
You don't want it to be you
and you don't know how to get out of that.

477
00:22:00,193 --> 00:22:02,446
And everybody's confused
and everybody's like,

478
00:22:02,571 --> 00:22:05,449
"Bro, what are you gonna do for a living?"
I don't know!

479
00:22:05,866 --> 00:22:06,992
I don't know.

480
00:22:07,409 --> 00:22:10,120
Just get together with your friends
and try to figure life out.

481
00:22:10,287 --> 00:22:12,748
Unwind, hang out, smoke a little joint.

482
00:22:12,831 --> 00:22:15,000
Like, 'Dude...
[snorts]

483
00:22:17,210 --> 00:22:18,837
I think my girlfriend's a cop."

484
00:22:19,046 --> 00:22:21,048
[laughter]

485
00:22:21,548 --> 00:22:25,135
[cheers and applause]

486
00:22:25,927 --> 00:22:27,637
I'm like, "Dude, you're paranoid.

487
00:22:28,889 --> 00:22:31,016
Trust me, it's the weed. There's no way."

488
00:22:32,434 --> 00:22:33,643
Meanwhile, he was right.

489
00:22:34,895 --> 00:22:36,605
Poor little fuck. Nobody cares.

490
00:22:38,607 --> 00:22:40,192
'Cause nobody cares about boys.

491
00:22:41,151 --> 00:22:43,195
Why? Listen, don't "aw." It's okay.

492
00:22:43,528 --> 00:22:44,696
We're running shit.

493
00:22:45,405 --> 00:22:46,656
[laughter]

494
00:22:46,740 --> 00:22:50,452
It's the balance of power.
Look, it's... it's all for good.

495
00:22:52,079 --> 00:22:53,330
So much tension.

496
00:22:55,540 --> 00:22:57,626
'Cause, like,
this is a new time for jokes too,

497
00:22:57,709 --> 00:23:00,087
because everything I say
on this Netflix special

498
00:23:00,170 --> 00:23:04,132
is going to get me in trouble,
but I... I knew coming in.

499
00:23:04,841 --> 00:23:06,802
But I want to explain to people
if they're mad at me.

500
00:23:06,885 --> 00:23:08,970
Talk to me offstage,
I'm super reasonable.

501
00:23:10,305 --> 00:23:13,016
But I say shit I don't mean
'cause it's funny.

502
00:23:14,101 --> 00:23:17,104
Like, people should get that
but they don't get that, not in 2018.

503
00:23:17,187 --> 00:23:19,356
Everybody wants to write it down
and make it literal.

504
00:23:19,439 --> 00:23:21,566
"This is exactly what he said,
here's a quote."

505
00:23:22,526 --> 00:23:26,238
"Oh, hate! Let's end the hate! Enh!"

506
00:23:26,321 --> 00:23:28,031
[applause]

507
00:23:28,615 --> 00:23:30,200
And people are way more sensitive now.

508
00:23:30,283 --> 00:23:32,702
Because of the Internet,
everybody has an opinion

509
00:23:32,786 --> 00:23:34,204
and they can all express it,

510
00:23:34,371 --> 00:23:36,706
when that's not really necessary
for some folk.

511
00:23:37,249 --> 00:23:39,584
Some folks, their opinion's not that good.

512
00:23:39,835 --> 00:23:42,421
They should... keep it to themselves.

513
00:23:43,588 --> 00:23:46,341
But today, anybody can express opinions.

514
00:23:47,008 --> 00:23:50,470
I've gotten death threats for shit
I don't even remember saying.

515
00:23:51,596 --> 00:23:53,807
Like, I did a podcast
with Tony Hinchcliffe,

516
00:23:53,890 --> 00:23:56,601
and apparently I said
I thought pro wrestling was gay.

517
00:23:56,685 --> 00:23:58,687
[laughter]

518
00:23:58,937 --> 00:24:01,731
-I don't even remember saying it.
-[laughter]

519
00:24:01,898 --> 00:24:04,234
But I got off the podcast

520
00:24:04,317 --> 00:24:05,777
and I checked my Twitter,

521
00:24:05,861 --> 00:24:08,155
and the fucking hurricane

522
00:24:08,822 --> 00:24:11,741
of misspelled hate messages
that came my way.

523
00:24:11,825 --> 00:24:13,702
I was like, "Aah!"

524
00:24:14,244 --> 00:24:15,579
What have I done?

525
00:24:15,745 --> 00:24:17,456
[laughter]

526
00:24:17,873 --> 00:24:19,791
I didn't even mean what I said.

527
00:24:19,916 --> 00:24:22,961
It was just a funny thing to say
in that moment 'cause he's so into it.

528
00:24:23,044 --> 00:24:26,256
I'm like, "It's gay." It's funny to say!

529
00:24:26,339 --> 00:24:27,591
[laughter]

530
00:24:28,008 --> 00:24:31,344
"No, it's not ever funny to say."
Well, you don't hang out with my friends.

531
00:24:32,095 --> 00:24:34,222
So I don't know what the fuck to tell you.

532
00:24:34,389 --> 00:24:37,350
"Well, you're a homophobic piece of shit!
I wouldn't hang out with your friends!"

533
00:24:37,476 --> 00:24:38,852
That's not true.

534
00:24:39,060 --> 00:24:40,812
Here's where you're wrong. I...

535
00:24:40,896 --> 00:24:44,691
'Cause people tell you
that you shouldn't say something's gay.

536
00:24:45,108 --> 00:24:46,443
But I love gay people.

537
00:24:47,194 --> 00:24:50,489
I've no problem with gay people.
I'm happy they're a real thing.

538
00:24:51,865 --> 00:24:54,784
I really am. I like it, mix it up.
Who gives a shit?

539
00:24:54,868 --> 00:24:56,328
[laughter]

540
00:24:57,370 --> 00:24:59,498
So if you don't like me
calling things gay,

541
00:25:00,207 --> 00:25:04,544
then what word would you like me
to use to describe gay shit?

542
00:25:04,711 --> 00:25:07,255
[laughter and applause]

543
00:25:08,507 --> 00:25:10,217
What are we doing here, man?

544
00:25:11,384 --> 00:25:14,304
There's certain noises we can't make
with our face anymore?

545
00:25:14,596 --> 00:25:16,973
You know, I think the same fucking thing,
right?

546
00:25:17,057 --> 00:25:18,141
[laughter]

547
00:25:20,852 --> 00:25:23,396
Gay's not negative. It's just gay.
Okay?

548
00:25:23,480 --> 00:25:25,315
There's certain things...
[chuckles]

549
00:25:25,398 --> 00:25:27,734
There's certain things that are gay
that have nothing to do with men

550
00:25:27,817 --> 00:25:29,069
having sex with each other.

551
00:25:30,487 --> 00:25:31,655
Like musicals.

552
00:25:31,905 --> 00:25:34,824
-[laughter]
-Right? No one knows why.

553
00:25:35,450 --> 00:25:36,493
They're just gay.

554
00:25:37,619 --> 00:25:39,412
Men wearing pearls, gay as fuck.

555
00:25:39,496 --> 00:25:41,498
[laughter]

556
00:25:42,374 --> 00:25:43,458
It's not a negative.

557
00:25:43,875 --> 00:25:46,002
And I don't really hate pro wrestling.

558
00:25:46,127 --> 00:25:47,337
I was just talking shit.

559
00:25:47,420 --> 00:25:50,632
Like, when I was a kid,
I loved Jimmy "The Superfly" Snuka,

560
00:25:50,924 --> 00:25:54,469
and Bob Backlund, and Hulk Hogan,
and I love The Rock.

561
00:25:54,594 --> 00:25:57,180
I go to his Twitter page every day
for inspiration.

562
00:25:57,556 --> 00:26:00,350
And who's not a fan of Ric Flair?

563
00:26:00,559 --> 00:26:02,477
[audience] Woo!

564
00:26:02,561 --> 00:26:04,854
-We didn't rehearse that!
-[laughter]

565
00:26:04,938 --> 00:26:06,231
You knew what to do!

566
00:26:07,107 --> 00:26:11,403
That man has an exuberant noise attached
to his name.

567
00:26:12,487 --> 00:26:15,073
That's one of the most American things
of all time.

568
00:26:16,116 --> 00:26:17,158
Right?

569
00:26:18,910 --> 00:26:21,746
I was just talking shit.
That's all it was.

570
00:26:22,581 --> 00:26:26,793
So Tony goes, "Listen, if you just
watch pro wrestling with me,

571
00:26:26,918 --> 00:26:30,046
you'll love it, and you'll become a fan."

572
00:26:30,171 --> 00:26:31,631
I'm like, "All right, dude.

573
00:26:32,674 --> 00:26:33,550
Turn it on."

574
00:26:33,675 --> 00:26:35,218
He turns it on!

575
00:26:35,343 --> 00:26:39,639
I see a guy with shaved legs,
wearing Speedos,

576
00:26:39,764 --> 00:26:42,142
with knee-high leather boots on,

577
00:26:42,475 --> 00:26:44,936
and he's holding another guy down.

578
00:26:45,812 --> 00:26:46,813
But not really.

579
00:26:46,938 --> 00:26:48,940
[laughter]

580
00:26:49,899 --> 00:26:51,526
The guy's like, "I can't even get up."

581
00:26:51,610 --> 00:26:54,821
And the guy he's holding down
is wearing a leather mask!

582
00:26:54,904 --> 00:26:58,074
-I'm like, "What the fuck, Tony!
-[laughter]

583
00:26:58,158 --> 00:27:00,535
Have you watched this
with a critical eye?"

584
00:27:00,744 --> 00:27:03,246
[uncontrollable laughter]

585
00:27:03,622 --> 00:27:05,582
I'm not saying it's gay.

586
00:27:05,790 --> 00:27:07,709
But let's just be honest.

587
00:27:08,376 --> 00:27:10,462
Everywhere else on the planet,

588
00:27:10,754 --> 00:27:12,172
other than that ring...

589
00:27:13,089 --> 00:27:14,382
[laughter]

590
00:27:15,050 --> 00:27:16,718
Everywhere else on Earth,

591
00:27:16,968 --> 00:27:19,179
when a dude shows up shirtless,

592
00:27:19,387 --> 00:27:21,723
wearing a leather mask and Speedos...

593
00:27:23,016 --> 00:27:25,018
he's there to suck dicks.

594
00:27:25,977 --> 00:27:27,020
Okay?

595
00:27:27,437 --> 00:27:30,023
-Period.
-[cheers and applause]

596
00:27:30,148 --> 00:27:31,983
I don't care what you tell the cops.

597
00:27:34,027 --> 00:27:36,279
That guy knew
what the fuck he was doing.

598
00:27:39,658 --> 00:27:42,661
So there's going to be people mad at me
for that, but I just want you to know,

599
00:27:43,578 --> 00:27:46,456
for a bunch of things.
Here's what's really important.

600
00:27:47,040 --> 00:27:49,959
And I can't believe you've to do this,
but in 2018 you've to do this.

601
00:27:50,043 --> 00:27:51,795
You've to say a joke and then you go,

602
00:27:51,920 --> 00:27:53,922
"Hey, that's not..."
This is what I really feel.

603
00:27:54,214 --> 00:27:56,007
This... this is what I really feel.

604
00:27:57,050 --> 00:27:59,761
There's nothing wrong...
I don't want anybody thinking I'm a bigot.

605
00:27:59,928 --> 00:28:01,930
There's nothing wrong with being gay,
nothing,

606
00:28:02,180 --> 00:28:06,393
and there's nothing wrong
with being a fan of pro wrestling.

607
00:28:06,559 --> 00:28:08,561
[laughter]

608
00:28:09,437 --> 00:28:10,480
But it's the same thing.

609
00:28:10,647 --> 00:28:12,649
[laughter and applause]

610
00:28:12,857 --> 00:28:13,692
To me.

611
00:28:14,359 --> 00:28:18,029
I respect both of them.
I think both of them are amazing.

612
00:28:18,697 --> 00:28:20,198
I'm super happy.

613
00:28:21,366 --> 00:28:23,660
I've had some other death threats
this year.

614
00:28:24,661 --> 00:28:27,330
I, uh...
[chuckles] ...put a poster up,

615
00:28:27,497 --> 00:28:30,125
put a picture up on Instagram
of some deer meat,

616
00:28:30,208 --> 00:28:32,335
and I wrote, "This is some meat
from a deer

617
00:28:32,419 --> 00:28:35,672
that liked to kick babies
and was about to join ISIS."

618
00:28:35,797 --> 00:28:37,799
[laughter]

619
00:28:39,259 --> 00:28:40,969
I was feeling real good about that post.

620
00:28:42,011 --> 00:28:46,057
Then I got cocky and I wrote hashtag
#vegan and that's where I fucked up.

621
00:28:46,141 --> 00:28:47,350
[laughter]

622
00:28:47,434 --> 00:28:50,186
Ooh! That wasn't worth it.

623
00:28:51,104 --> 00:28:52,480
That didn't feel good.

624
00:28:53,440 --> 00:28:55,775
Oh! The hate, the anger!

625
00:28:55,942 --> 00:28:58,069
Never in my life

626
00:28:58,236 --> 00:29:00,447
have I encountered such a ruthless,

627
00:29:00,613 --> 00:29:04,117
vicious group of kind,
compassionate people...

628
00:29:04,200 --> 00:29:06,202
[laughter]

629
00:29:06,995 --> 00:29:10,457
as I have in that fucking hashtag
#vegan group.

630
00:29:10,623 --> 00:29:12,625
[faint laughter]

631
00:29:13,418 --> 00:29:15,712
These vegans that are vegans
for good reasons, folks,

632
00:29:15,795 --> 00:29:17,046
but the problem with vegans

633
00:29:17,130 --> 00:29:20,049
is the problem with every single group
of human beings.

634
00:29:20,258 --> 00:29:23,845
If you get a group of 100 people,
just pick a random 100 people,

635
00:29:23,928 --> 00:29:26,931
what are the odds that one of them
is a fucking idiot?

636
00:29:27,974 --> 00:29:29,350
It's 100%.

637
00:29:29,726 --> 00:29:33,313
We nerf all the sharp edges in this world
and we let dummies survive.

638
00:29:33,396 --> 00:29:35,398
There's no wolves
running through our streets.

639
00:29:35,482 --> 00:29:38,777
It's 100% that one out of 100
is a fucking idiot.

640
00:29:40,278 --> 00:29:42,822
Some of those are vegans,
and this is how it works:

641
00:29:42,947 --> 00:29:46,868
if you got a group and you don't have
to take a test to get in there,

642
00:29:47,118 --> 00:29:49,204
some of them are in there
for the right reasons.

643
00:29:49,287 --> 00:29:51,748
Most vegans are vegans
'cause they're kind people.

644
00:29:51,831 --> 00:29:54,250
They don't want anything to die
so they can live.

645
00:29:54,375 --> 00:29:57,337
And those people are heroes,
'cause they're always tired,

646
00:29:57,504 --> 00:30:00,590
they're cranky,
their health's all fucked up.

647
00:30:00,840 --> 00:30:03,301
They're doing it
for all the right reasons.

648
00:30:05,929 --> 00:30:09,140
But then there's vegans
who are really only vegans

649
00:30:09,224 --> 00:30:11,351
'cause Scientology didn't find them first.

650
00:30:11,434 --> 00:30:13,520
-[laughter and applause]
-Okay?

651
00:30:13,853 --> 00:30:15,480
You know.

652
00:30:16,022 --> 00:30:17,690
Everybody knows certain vegans

653
00:30:17,774 --> 00:30:21,152
that would have joined the Taliban
if they took the wrong flight, all right?

654
00:30:21,236 --> 00:30:23,279
They're fucking dipshits.

655
00:30:24,948 --> 00:30:27,158
Those guys always have "vegan"
in their name.

656
00:30:27,784 --> 00:30:29,202
It's always like "vegan warrior."

657
00:30:30,036 --> 00:30:32,205
They just start eating plants
and start talking shit.

658
00:30:32,288 --> 00:30:33,331
They joined a gang.

659
00:30:33,915 --> 00:30:35,291
It's a plant-based gang.

660
00:30:35,792 --> 00:30:37,794
[hysterical laughter]

661
00:30:39,462 --> 00:30:41,214
I don't argue with these people but I do

662
00:30:41,297 --> 00:30:43,007
when they say something
totally crazy to me.

663
00:30:43,091 --> 00:30:44,551
I will check their profile,

664
00:30:45,301 --> 00:30:46,678
see what they're interested in.

665
00:30:46,803 --> 00:30:49,264
And this one lady said something
really fucked up.

666
00:30:49,389 --> 00:30:50,890
She wrote me, she goes,

667
00:30:50,974 --> 00:30:53,643
"I hope animals eat your children
in front of you.

668
00:30:53,726 --> 00:30:55,812
I hope everyone you know gets cancer.

669
00:30:55,937 --> 00:30:57,647
I hope you die in your mother's arms."

670
00:30:57,730 --> 00:30:58,940
And I'm like, "Well.

671
00:30:59,065 --> 00:31:01,067
[laughter]

672
00:31:02,026 --> 00:31:03,653
What's this healthy lady up to?"

673
00:31:03,778 --> 00:31:05,780
[laughter]

674
00:31:06,990 --> 00:31:08,992
[laughs] So I go...

675
00:31:09,450 --> 00:31:11,744
I go to her fucking page.

676
00:31:12,203 --> 00:31:13,830
She has a bunch of hashtags, right?

677
00:31:13,913 --> 00:31:17,000
Normal ones like hashtag #vegan,
hashtag #crueltyfree,

678
00:31:17,125 --> 00:31:18,877
and then I seen one
that I've never seen before.

679
00:31:19,794 --> 00:31:22,922
It says hashtag #vegancat.

680
00:31:23,214 --> 00:31:25,216
-[faint laughter]
-[Joe sighs]

681
00:31:26,175 --> 00:31:27,635
I check my watch.

682
00:31:27,760 --> 00:31:30,305
It's 1:00 in the morning, I'm like,
"Fuck, do I click this?"

683
00:31:30,388 --> 00:31:32,390
[laughter]

684
00:31:33,975 --> 00:31:37,103
I'm like, "I should just go to bed, right?
I should just go to sleep.

685
00:31:38,229 --> 00:31:39,647
I shouldn't do this.

686
00:31:40,148 --> 00:31:42,483
I should have some herbal tea
and read a book."

687
00:31:44,611 --> 00:31:48,990
And there's the other part of your brain
like, "Shut up, pussy. Click it. Come on!

688
00:31:49,240 --> 00:31:50,867
Come on!"
I always listen to that part.

689
00:31:51,701 --> 00:31:53,870
That's the secret to my success,
I always listen... [chuckles]

690
00:31:54,704 --> 00:31:56,039
"Come on, pussy! Come on!"

691
00:31:57,540 --> 00:31:58,374
I click it.

692
00:31:58,750 --> 00:32:00,001
I'm hoping... This is what I'm hoping.

693
00:32:00,084 --> 00:32:02,086
I'm hoping hashtag #vegancat...

694
00:32:03,171 --> 00:32:05,632
I'm hoping what that is
is, like, a support group.

695
00:32:05,798 --> 00:32:07,800
[laughter]

696
00:32:08,051 --> 00:32:08,885
Right?

697
00:32:09,385 --> 00:32:12,722
Like, we all have friends
that are vegans that also have cats.

698
00:32:13,848 --> 00:32:17,018
You go over to their house and
you're like, "So why are you vegan again?"

699
00:32:17,101 --> 00:32:19,604
"Well, I just don't think it's our right
to decide

700
00:32:19,687 --> 00:32:22,190
that an animal should live or die."

701
00:32:22,690 --> 00:32:25,193
And then they open up
a fat can of murder

702
00:32:25,276 --> 00:32:28,363
and give it to that little fucking
psychopath that they live with.

703
00:32:28,529 --> 00:32:30,031
And you're like, "Hey.
[chuckles]

704
00:32:30,156 --> 00:32:32,617
Hey, man. What's in that fucking can?

705
00:32:33,701 --> 00:32:34,953
What are you doing?"

706
00:32:35,370 --> 00:32:38,331
"Well, he's a carnivore
but I'm an herbivore."

707
00:32:39,207 --> 00:32:41,209
If you are a vegan with a pet cat,

708
00:32:41,292 --> 00:32:43,586
that's like being a doctor
with a pet vampire.

709
00:32:43,670 --> 00:32:46,422
-[laughter]
-Pick a team, fuck face.

710
00:32:46,547 --> 00:32:47,799
What are you doing?

711
00:32:48,299 --> 00:32:50,093
You live with a murderer! Okay?

712
00:32:50,176 --> 00:32:53,304
If you love animals, just shoot
that cat right in the fucking head.

713
00:32:54,472 --> 00:32:56,557
That thing eats 200 animals a year.

714
00:32:56,641 --> 00:32:58,518
[laughter]

715
00:32:59,102 --> 00:33:01,020
That is what I was hoping.

716
00:33:01,604 --> 00:33:04,232
That's what I was hoping
hashtag #vegancat meant.

717
00:33:04,357 --> 00:33:06,109
Oh! But no.

718
00:33:06,818 --> 00:33:07,652
No.

719
00:33:08,444 --> 00:33:11,489
#vegancat is a whole fucking community
of people

720
00:33:11,572 --> 00:33:14,534
who think it's a good idea
to feed your cat salad.

721
00:33:14,867 --> 00:33:16,869
[laughter]

722
00:33:19,122 --> 00:33:20,081
Now,

723
00:33:20,373 --> 00:33:22,083
before I go any further,

724
00:33:22,333 --> 00:33:24,961
it's very important that I be
completely truthful to you,

725
00:33:25,044 --> 00:33:28,506
'cause people call you out all the time.
It's always some guy. "Actually...

726
00:33:28,589 --> 00:33:31,342
Actually you can feed your cat
a vegan diet."

727
00:33:31,926 --> 00:33:34,554
They do that little cunt nod.
You know that thing that people do?

728
00:33:34,637 --> 00:33:35,847
[laughter]

729
00:33:36,014 --> 00:33:37,515
They tell you something and then...

730
00:33:38,474 --> 00:33:39,892
Oh, is that the worst?

731
00:33:40,059 --> 00:33:42,520
Even if they're right, you're like,
"Fuck you and your facts.

732
00:33:42,603 --> 00:33:44,731
This fucking face thing you're doing."

733
00:33:46,983 --> 00:33:48,109
But he's right.

734
00:33:48,609 --> 00:33:49,652
You can...

735
00:33:49,902 --> 00:33:51,279
feed your cat a vegan diet

736
00:33:51,362 --> 00:33:55,992
if you don't mind them going blind...
and dying young.

737
00:33:56,909 --> 00:33:59,037
"Is he serious?"
Yeah, I'm fucking serious.

738
00:33:59,203 --> 00:34:02,623
You will, after this show,
go on your phone

739
00:34:02,707 --> 00:34:05,835
and check out hashtag #vegancat,

740
00:34:05,960 --> 00:34:09,547
and you will be treated
to a collection of pets

741
00:34:09,672 --> 00:34:12,300
that look like they live in a house
with a gas leak.

742
00:34:12,425 --> 00:34:14,886
[laughter and applause]

743
00:34:15,511 --> 00:34:19,348
Every fucking cat is like,
"When is the real food coming?

744
00:34:19,849 --> 00:34:23,811
What the fuck is..."
They're all lying down! I'm not joking!

745
00:34:23,895 --> 00:34:25,772
Every fucking cat.
You're gonna go, "He's right!"

746
00:34:25,897 --> 00:34:28,733
They're all lying down! All of 'em!

747
00:34:30,443 --> 00:34:34,155
And they die young! Really fucking young!

748
00:34:34,447 --> 00:34:36,574
They take pictures, these fucking psychos.

749
00:34:36,657 --> 00:34:41,120
"RIP Tabby!
We had five amazing years together!"

750
00:34:41,245 --> 00:34:44,082
The cat's eyes are milky,
its legs are stiff. It's like...

751
00:34:44,999 --> 00:34:47,001
"What is this lady feeding me?

752
00:34:47,794 --> 00:34:49,504
Where's the real food, bitch?"

753
00:34:51,422 --> 00:34:54,133
It's a cat! You got to feed it cat food!

754
00:34:54,717 --> 00:34:56,385
"Hashtag #crueltyfree."

755
00:34:56,552 --> 00:35:00,223
Tell that to your blind, dead cat,
you fucking crazy asshole!

756
00:35:00,890 --> 00:35:04,685
-It's a cat! Okay?
-[whistles and cheers and applause]

757
00:35:05,103 --> 00:35:07,146
It doesn't want to eat mashed potatoes!

758
00:35:09,315 --> 00:35:12,026
It makes us uncomfortable that something
would want to kill something

759
00:35:12,110 --> 00:35:15,113
because what if someone wants to kill us?
I don't want that. That's what it is.

760
00:35:15,196 --> 00:35:18,241
It's just weird panic that we have
about our own mortality.

761
00:35:18,366 --> 00:35:19,826
But it's a real simple system.

762
00:35:19,909 --> 00:35:22,411
If this comes up in an argument,
feel free to use this.

763
00:35:22,495 --> 00:35:23,412
This is how it works:

764
00:35:23,621 --> 00:35:25,414
Green shit grows out of the ground,

765
00:35:25,623 --> 00:35:27,375
dumb shit eats the green shit,

766
00:35:27,583 --> 00:35:29,377
mean shit kills the dumb shit.

767
00:35:30,253 --> 00:35:31,629
That's your cat.

768
00:35:31,838 --> 00:35:34,590
That's why you don't have to hack your way
through a river of bunny rabbits

769
00:35:34,674 --> 00:35:37,385
to get your fucking Prius every morning.
Okay?

770
00:35:38,678 --> 00:35:40,596
You can't feed that thing cranberries.

771
00:35:40,680 --> 00:35:42,098
[laughter]

772
00:35:45,726 --> 00:35:49,272
"We went to see Joe Rogan
and he hates gays and cats.

773
00:35:50,690 --> 00:35:52,859
I am currently blogging about it."

774
00:35:53,151 --> 00:35:54,610
[laughter]

775
00:35:56,946 --> 00:36:00,241
None of this is true.
I love gay people and I have cats,

776
00:36:00,324 --> 00:36:02,743
and my cats are fluffy, which is gay.

777
00:36:02,827 --> 00:36:04,829
[laughter]

778
00:36:05,496 --> 00:36:07,206
I have gay things that I love.

779
00:36:07,331 --> 00:36:10,418
I listened to Miley Cyrus music
right before I got onstage tonight.

780
00:36:11,961 --> 00:36:13,421
There's plenty of gay things I love.

781
00:36:14,088 --> 00:36:17,717
I have those fluffy, those Monsanto,
GMO cats. You ever see those cats?

782
00:36:17,842 --> 00:36:19,844
Like, how the fuck
did that turn into that?

783
00:36:20,595 --> 00:36:23,556
You see a cat in a tundra
and then you see my fucking thing.

784
00:36:23,931 --> 00:36:26,976
They're called Ragdolls because,
like... I don't know you, ma'am,

785
00:36:27,101 --> 00:36:28,853
but if you came to my house,
you could scoop that cat up,

786
00:36:28,936 --> 00:36:30,563
they wouldn't get nervous.
"Who's this crazy lady?"

787
00:36:30,730 --> 00:36:33,524
They wouldn't... Anybody could just pick
one of those cats up

788
00:36:33,608 --> 00:36:37,486
and put it on their shoulder,
and they'd just go limp. [purrs]

789
00:36:37,862 --> 00:36:40,031
'Cause I have a seven-year-old daughter.

790
00:36:40,114 --> 00:36:43,326
My daughter just scoops that cat up
like a sandbag in a CrossFit class,

791
00:36:43,409 --> 00:36:45,411
and she's barely got this fucking cat,

792
00:36:45,494 --> 00:36:47,538
and they just limp. [purrs]

793
00:36:47,622 --> 00:36:48,664
Purring away.

794
00:36:48,748 --> 00:36:50,249
So happy to be touched.

795
00:36:51,334 --> 00:36:53,544
They have almost no instincts. Almost.

796
00:36:54,128 --> 00:36:55,254
Almost!

797
00:36:55,963 --> 00:36:58,591
'Cause those little fuckers
will sit in front of the window.

798
00:36:59,759 --> 00:37:01,761
And they see a squirrel across the street,

799
00:37:01,844 --> 00:37:03,471
their eyes lock on that squirrel,

800
00:37:03,554 --> 00:37:05,806
and they start making these
involuntary mouth noises like...

801
00:37:05,890 --> 00:37:08,100
-[Joe sputtering]
-[laughter]

802
00:37:08,434 --> 00:37:10,102
[repeats it]

803
00:37:10,436 --> 00:37:14,023
You ever see your cat do that?
It's so fucking creepy!

804
00:37:15,149 --> 00:37:16,400
They don't even know you're there.

805
00:37:16,484 --> 00:37:19,570
You can get right next to them, like,
"What the fuck are you doing, man?"

806
00:37:19,987 --> 00:37:22,114
They don't even look at you.
[sputters]

807
00:37:22,740 --> 00:37:24,700
I've had that cat since it was a baby.

808
00:37:24,825 --> 00:37:26,118
It's never been outside.

809
00:37:26,702 --> 00:37:28,996
Three-year-old cat, never been outside.

810
00:37:29,622 --> 00:37:32,083
And he sees those squirrels
across the street and he's like...

811
00:37:32,959 --> 00:37:34,043
"I remember.

812
00:37:34,168 --> 00:37:37,463
-[laughter]
-[Joe imitates a soft growl]

813
00:37:38,130 --> 00:37:39,924
I remember the old way."

814
00:37:41,050 --> 00:37:42,385
[growls]

815
00:37:44,220 --> 00:37:47,223
How the fuck does that DNA
get into that cat?

816
00:37:47,974 --> 00:37:49,475
He's not looking at that squirrel like,

817
00:37:49,558 --> 00:37:52,520
"That's my little friend
across the street. I'd like to meet him!"

818
00:37:52,645 --> 00:37:55,439
No, it's like,
"Ah! Your neck is right there."

819
00:37:55,564 --> 00:37:57,566
[laughter and applause]

820
00:37:58,401 --> 00:37:59,902
That's crazy.

821
00:38:00,236 --> 00:38:02,571
That's some crazy, murderous DNA.

822
00:38:03,489 --> 00:38:05,616
That's like if you had
a science experiment

823
00:38:05,700 --> 00:38:09,537
where you had a man in captivity,
and you never showed him a woman ever,

824
00:38:09,745 --> 00:38:10,997
until he was full grown,

825
00:38:11,205 --> 00:38:13,916
and then you show him a naked one
through prison glass.

826
00:38:14,125 --> 00:38:16,544
And as soon as he sees her,
he goes, "Time to fuck!

827
00:38:17,712 --> 00:38:20,589
Time... time to fucking fuck!"

828
00:38:20,673 --> 00:38:22,633
[laughter and applause]

829
00:38:22,717 --> 00:38:25,136
Dudes come over with clipboards.
"How do you know?

830
00:38:25,261 --> 00:38:27,471
How do you know what to do?"
"I know what I know, bro!

831
00:38:27,638 --> 00:38:31,559
I know when it's fuck time!
It's fuckety fuckin'!"

832
00:38:32,685 --> 00:38:34,812
That's what it's like for that cat.

833
00:38:35,604 --> 00:38:37,732
How the fuck does that cat know
what to do?

834
00:38:37,815 --> 00:38:39,317
[uncontrollable laughter]

835
00:38:39,525 --> 00:38:41,485
Explain that to me, science.

836
00:38:45,239 --> 00:38:46,949
Cats kill everything they can.

837
00:38:47,325 --> 00:38:48,451
Dogs will keep it together.

838
00:38:49,035 --> 00:38:51,746
If you've a good dog,
a good dog will keep it together.

839
00:38:51,871 --> 00:38:54,373
Like, you could could have a pet dog
and a pet hamster,

840
00:38:55,416 --> 00:38:57,585
and that pet hamster,
if you got a good dog,

841
00:38:57,668 --> 00:39:00,087
that pet hamster could live a long life.

842
00:39:00,171 --> 00:39:02,173
[laughter]

843
00:39:02,506 --> 00:39:05,134
But you got a pet cat and a pet hamster,

844
00:39:05,259 --> 00:39:07,094
that hamster's got an hour to live.

845
00:39:07,178 --> 00:39:08,512
[laughter]

846
00:39:08,596 --> 00:39:11,557
And that's just 'cause your cat's
going to torture it for 59 minutes.

847
00:39:12,183 --> 00:39:14,352
That poor little fucker's like,
"I think he's done!

848
00:39:14,435 --> 00:39:17,563
Finally it's gonna let me get away
and I'm just gonna be free!"

849
00:39:17,688 --> 00:39:20,149
And the cat's like,
"Not today, motherfucker.

850
00:39:20,733 --> 00:39:23,736
Not today. You just stick the fuck down."

851
00:39:25,196 --> 00:39:26,781
It's what they do.

852
00:39:28,574 --> 00:39:31,035
You can't feed 'em apples.
It's what they do.

853
00:39:32,244 --> 00:39:33,454
Dogs care.

854
00:39:34,038 --> 00:39:36,916
You can put a hamster on the floor
in a room with a good dog.

855
00:39:36,999 --> 00:39:39,502
A good dog will look at you,
look at the hamster.

856
00:39:41,796 --> 00:39:43,672
Look at you, look at the hamster.

857
00:39:43,798 --> 00:39:45,800
He'd be like, "Um...

858
00:39:46,050 --> 00:39:48,886
-can I fuck him up?"
-[laughter]

859
00:39:49,261 --> 00:39:52,056
"No! That's Mr. Fluffers!

860
00:39:52,264 --> 00:39:55,976
Mr. Fluffers is the newest member
of our family!"

861
00:39:58,062 --> 00:40:00,272
The dog just starts calculating,
like, "Okay, okay.

862
00:40:00,398 --> 00:40:02,024
[hysterical laughter]

863
00:40:02,358 --> 00:40:04,985
Okay, okay. I like free food.

864
00:40:05,236 --> 00:40:07,530
These people are nice to me. Okay.
[sniffs]

865
00:40:07,613 --> 00:40:08,739
[laughter]

866
00:40:08,906 --> 00:40:11,117
That's a fucking rat, dude.
That's a rat!

867
00:40:11,409 --> 00:40:13,035
Okay. Okay.

868
00:40:13,285 --> 00:40:15,287
Okay, family. Yeah. Family, family!"

869
00:40:16,372 --> 00:40:18,624
You can tell, though, when that dog's
not totally on board,

870
00:40:18,707 --> 00:40:20,626
they just get a little too close
to that hamster like,

871
00:40:20,709 --> 00:40:22,503
"Ooh! I was gonna fuck you up."

872
00:40:22,628 --> 00:40:24,630
[laughter]

873
00:40:27,716 --> 00:40:29,427
[a few claps]

874
00:40:30,052 --> 00:40:31,929
But a cat, you don't have a chance.

875
00:40:32,388 --> 00:40:34,557
Cats, they will make Exorcist noises.

876
00:40:35,558 --> 00:40:38,185
You can try to hold your cat in a room
with a hamster, your cat starts going...

877
00:40:38,269 --> 00:40:41,105
-[Joe caterwauling]
-[laughter]

878
00:40:45,025 --> 00:40:46,026
He's letting you know, "Bitch,

879
00:40:46,110 --> 00:40:48,904
I'm about to claw your fucking eyes out!
You'll never see your kids again!"

880
00:40:50,114 --> 00:40:52,450
They don't care how long
you been feeding them.

881
00:40:52,575 --> 00:40:55,161
They don't care about your history
of free massages.

882
00:40:55,703 --> 00:40:59,039
"There's a rat on the floor!
If you let me go, I can kill the rat!"

883
00:40:59,957 --> 00:41:01,959
-[loud meow]
-[laughter]

884
00:41:04,545 --> 00:41:07,756
And people keep those things as pets.
That's what's so fucked up.

885
00:41:08,591 --> 00:41:11,469
Imagine if your kid did that,
a kid that you couldn't have in a room

886
00:41:11,552 --> 00:41:13,762
with something smaller than him,
he's like, "Gotta kill, Mommy!

887
00:41:13,846 --> 00:41:15,264
Murder! Kill!"

888
00:41:15,347 --> 00:41:16,891
Like, "Junior, sit down!"

889
00:41:16,974 --> 00:41:18,309
"No! Fuck you!

890
00:41:19,185 --> 00:41:20,102
Death!"

891
00:41:21,562 --> 00:41:25,191
"Well, we just can't have a pet cat,
'cause Junior breaks the cat's neck.

892
00:41:25,274 --> 00:41:27,276
He's crazy. I don't know what to do."

893
00:41:28,819 --> 00:41:31,489
We just accept the fact
this fucking cat's a murderer.

894
00:41:33,282 --> 00:41:35,534
Can't feed that thing cranberries,
you crazy bitch.

895
00:41:36,577 --> 00:41:38,621
Okay? You're the monster.

896
00:41:39,288 --> 00:41:41,999
Dogs feel bad when they kill things too
if you're mad.

897
00:41:42,583 --> 00:41:45,169
Like if your dog kills a hamster
and you're like, "How could you!"

898
00:41:45,294 --> 00:41:47,296
[sobs] "How could I?

899
00:41:48,380 --> 00:41:51,383
Shit! Did I do that?
[groans]

900
00:41:51,550 --> 00:41:52,551
Damn it!"

901
00:41:53,636 --> 00:41:55,804
"I'm so disappointed in you."

902
00:41:55,888 --> 00:41:57,640
"I'm disappointed in myself!

903
00:41:57,723 --> 00:41:59,725
-[laughter]
-[Joe groans]

904
00:41:59,892 --> 00:42:02,520
-I'm sorry!" [sobs]
-[laughter]

905
00:42:02,770 --> 00:42:07,441
They walk to you sideways.
"I fucked up, dude. Fucking seriously."

906
00:42:10,152 --> 00:42:12,530
But your cat,
the cat doesn't feel remotely bad.

907
00:42:13,572 --> 00:42:15,866
Your cat kills something,
you're like, "How could you?"

908
00:42:16,075 --> 00:42:18,911
-He's like, "Bitch, you know me."
-[laughter]

909
00:42:19,495 --> 00:42:21,205
He'll walk away slow
with his tail in the air

910
00:42:21,288 --> 00:42:22,456
so you can see his asshole.

911
00:42:22,540 --> 00:42:25,751
[uproarious laughter, applause]

912
00:42:27,002 --> 00:42:29,713
They don't care. You scream at him.
"You're a monster!"

913
00:42:29,797 --> 00:42:32,007
They pull their ears back.
Like, "Why you so loud?"

914
00:42:32,967 --> 00:42:35,219
And just lie down right in front of you
and lick their own dick.

915
00:42:35,344 --> 00:42:39,723
"How about you just shut the fuck up
while I lick my dick?"

916
00:42:39,807 --> 00:42:42,476
-[cheers and applause]
-[whistles blowing]

917
00:42:43,018 --> 00:42:44,019
They don't care.

918
00:42:45,312 --> 00:42:46,647
They don't care about you.

919
00:42:49,233 --> 00:42:50,818
Cats know when you're high too.

920
00:42:52,111 --> 00:42:54,029
They seem to know, you're vulnerable.

921
00:42:54,363 --> 00:42:55,948
Dogs don't have a clue.

922
00:42:56,490 --> 00:42:59,243
You come home high, your dog's like,
"You're extra friendly today!"

923
00:42:59,368 --> 00:43:01,370
[laughter]

924
00:43:02,663 --> 00:43:05,249
If I'm watching Black Mirror
at 1:00 in the morning,

925
00:43:05,499 --> 00:43:07,876
my cat will, like, sit down
next to me and be like...

926
00:43:08,919 --> 00:43:12,006
-"You know you're going to die, right?"
-[laughter]

927
00:43:13,924 --> 00:43:16,969
[hysterical laughter, cheers and applause]

928
00:43:19,555 --> 00:43:21,181
Creepy little fuckers.

929
00:43:24,435 --> 00:43:25,394
Something...

930
00:43:25,561 --> 00:43:28,731
something spooky about predators,
living with a little predator.

931
00:43:29,023 --> 00:43:29,857
You know?

932
00:43:30,065 --> 00:43:31,191
I think it's good for us.

933
00:43:31,400 --> 00:43:33,152
I think it's good for us to be nervous.

934
00:43:33,402 --> 00:43:34,320
I really do.

935
00:43:34,987 --> 00:43:36,322
I think we all need Jesus.

936
00:43:36,405 --> 00:43:38,407
[laughter]

937
00:43:39,408 --> 00:43:42,077
I grew up... I was raised Catholic
for a little while,

938
00:43:42,161 --> 00:43:44,371
and then I wised up
when I was about seven.

939
00:43:44,580 --> 00:43:45,998
-And, um...
-[laughter]

940
00:43:46,915 --> 00:43:50,085
Since then, I was like, that discipline
is probably pretty good for people.

941
00:43:50,628 --> 00:43:54,757
One of the things that gets me about, um,
people that are really into Jesus is that

942
00:43:55,215 --> 00:43:57,760
you're supposed to think
that Jesus is going to return.

943
00:43:58,677 --> 00:44:00,262
But if he did, you'd never believe it.

944
00:44:00,387 --> 00:44:01,680
[faint chuckles]

945
00:44:01,889 --> 00:44:02,765
Right?

946
00:44:03,432 --> 00:44:05,184
Like, nobody believes new miracles.

947
00:44:05,893 --> 00:44:09,396
If someone came up to you and go,
"Yo, dude. You gotta meet my cousin.

948
00:44:09,855 --> 00:44:12,733
He was dead for three days
and he came back to life

949
00:44:12,858 --> 00:44:14,318
and he hangs out with hookers,

950
00:44:14,401 --> 00:44:16,779
but he don't fuck 'em,
he only gives 'em advice.

951
00:44:16,904 --> 00:44:18,906
[laughter]

952
00:44:19,198 --> 00:44:20,699
Want me to give him your number?"

953
00:44:21,533 --> 00:44:23,494
You'd be like,
"Yeah, sounds like a good idea.

954
00:44:23,577 --> 00:44:24,912
I want to talk to him forever.

955
00:44:25,579 --> 00:44:27,081
He sounds totally legit."

956
00:44:27,289 --> 00:44:28,624
[faint laughter]

957
00:44:29,833 --> 00:44:32,336
No, we only like old miracles.

958
00:44:33,379 --> 00:44:35,881
But I think there's a new miracle
that we might have missed,

959
00:44:35,964 --> 00:44:37,341
and I'm going to tell you this story.

960
00:44:38,175 --> 00:44:41,762
There was a woman who was born in Africa,
she had a birth defect.

961
00:44:42,137 --> 00:44:44,223
She was born without a vagina.

962
00:44:45,140 --> 00:44:47,601
Grew to be a full grown woman,
she had no other problems.

963
00:44:47,726 --> 00:44:49,269
Grew to be a full grown woman,

964
00:44:49,395 --> 00:44:52,815
gave a guy a blowjob,
and then got into a knife fight.

965
00:44:54,400 --> 00:44:56,318
The knife went through her stomach,

966
00:44:56,402 --> 00:44:58,987
the sperm hitched the ride
on the blade,

967
00:44:59,071 --> 00:45:00,698
and landed on her eggs.

968
00:45:00,781 --> 00:45:02,741
She got pregnant.

969
00:45:03,200 --> 00:45:05,703
Nine months later, by cesarean section,

970
00:45:05,786 --> 00:45:08,914
they open her up like a sleeping bag
and pull out a normal kid.

971
00:45:10,582 --> 00:45:11,875
That's a real fucking story.

972
00:45:12,042 --> 00:45:14,169
You're like, "The Fear Factor guy
just makes shit up

973
00:45:14,253 --> 00:45:16,797
to make his stupid fucking jokes work.

974
00:45:17,840 --> 00:45:21,677
That's why they took our phones away,
so we can't call him out on his bullshit."

975
00:45:21,760 --> 00:45:23,762
[laughter]

976
00:45:24,722 --> 00:45:26,682
No, I'm telling you a true story.

977
00:45:27,474 --> 00:45:29,059
Y'all don't yell. It's true.

978
00:45:29,143 --> 00:45:32,771
A woman without a vagina gave birth
to a kid.

979
00:45:33,814 --> 00:45:34,690
Now...

980
00:45:35,566 --> 00:45:36,692
here's my question.

981
00:45:37,693 --> 00:45:38,819
Isn't that a miracle?

982
00:45:39,278 --> 00:45:40,779
That seems like a miracle.

983
00:45:41,238 --> 00:45:42,197
Like, if you...

984
00:45:42,614 --> 00:45:44,283
People that believe in Jesus,

985
00:45:44,366 --> 00:45:46,452
you're supposed to believe
he's going to come back.

986
00:45:47,411 --> 00:45:48,579
But if he's going to come back,

987
00:45:48,662 --> 00:45:50,789
do you think he'd come back
looking like Jesus?

988
00:45:50,914 --> 00:45:52,499
Wouldn't that be super obvious?

989
00:45:53,584 --> 00:45:55,627
We'd see him coming.
We'd see the robe

990
00:45:55,711 --> 00:45:57,546
and the beard, like,
"Dude, that's Jesus. Hold my hand."

991
00:45:57,629 --> 00:46:00,174
♪ Kumbaya my Lord ♪

992
00:46:00,340 --> 00:46:01,884
♪ Kumbaya ♪

993
00:46:02,050 --> 00:46:04,261
"Oh! Hi, Jesus.
We didn't even know you were coming.

994
00:46:04,344 --> 00:46:06,847
-This is what we do."
-[laughter]

995
00:46:08,015 --> 00:46:10,392
Jesus'd be like,
"Hmm, I don't know."

996
00:46:11,894 --> 00:46:14,354
I think if is Jesus is going to return

997
00:46:14,563 --> 00:46:16,356
and find out what we've really been up to,

998
00:46:16,523 --> 00:46:19,610
he's going to return as
the miracle-blowjob knife-fight baby.

999
00:46:19,693 --> 00:46:21,695
[laughter]

1000
00:46:25,365 --> 00:46:27,618
And we'd never even see it coming,

1001
00:46:28,202 --> 00:46:29,995
'cause we're not looking for it.

1002
00:46:31,705 --> 00:46:32,998
That kid's got to go to school.

1003
00:46:34,958 --> 00:46:37,544
Other kids are going
to ask questions... right?

1004
00:46:37,628 --> 00:46:40,297
You remember what childhood was like.
Kids are fucking brutal.

1005
00:46:40,464 --> 00:46:41,590
Everybody's insecure,

1006
00:46:41,673 --> 00:46:43,550
so they try to find someone
more insecure than them

1007
00:46:43,634 --> 00:46:44,718
and fuck with 'em.

1008
00:46:45,427 --> 00:46:47,846
I had a good childhood,
but it was weird.

1009
00:46:48,138 --> 00:46:51,141
And it was weird because my parents
split up when I was young,

1010
00:46:51,225 --> 00:46:54,311
and then my mom lived
with my stepdad for a few years

1011
00:46:54,394 --> 00:46:56,605
before they got married,
and we moved a lot.

1012
00:46:56,855 --> 00:46:58,106
It wasn't bad, but it was...

1013
00:46:58,273 --> 00:47:00,943
Kids would ask questions like,
"Hey, man, is that your dad?"

1014
00:47:02,319 --> 00:47:05,072
"No, it's my mom's... boyfriend."

1015
00:47:06,532 --> 00:47:08,617
"Oh, so it's a dude who fucks your mom?"

1016
00:47:08,700 --> 00:47:10,702
[laughter]

1017
00:47:13,413 --> 00:47:14,623
"Hey, man, I'm eight.

1018
00:47:14,706 --> 00:47:16,708
[laughter]

1019
00:47:19,878 --> 00:47:20,879
What about your parents?"

1020
00:47:20,963 --> 00:47:22,714
"Dude, Dude!

1021
00:47:23,215 --> 00:47:28,011
My parents have been married
since high school.

1022
00:47:28,470 --> 00:47:31,598
The first time my mom and dad
ever had sex,

1023
00:47:31,682 --> 00:47:33,267
my mom got pregnant with me.

1024
00:47:34,601 --> 00:47:35,936
Bro...

1025
00:47:37,312 --> 00:47:39,731
my dad cries a lot.

1026
00:47:41,191 --> 00:47:42,776
He just cries!

1027
00:47:42,943 --> 00:47:44,862
He'll just fall down and start crying.

1028
00:47:45,070 --> 00:47:46,405
We ignore him now.

1029
00:47:46,488 --> 00:47:47,781
[laughter]

1030
00:47:48,448 --> 00:47:49,658
No one cares.

1031
00:47:49,783 --> 00:47:52,327
Step over him, pass the peas.
We don't give a shit.

1032
00:47:52,411 --> 00:47:54,746
This poor fucker's just weeping
on the ground.

1033
00:47:56,456 --> 00:47:57,833
Life isn't a movie, man.

1034
00:47:58,000 --> 00:47:59,543
I never saw that in a movie.

1035
00:48:00,294 --> 00:48:02,754
Life's not a fucking movie, dude.
Life is hard."

1036
00:48:03,839 --> 00:48:04,756
"Yeah, man.

1037
00:48:05,048 --> 00:48:06,925
Yeah, dude, life is hard, dude.

1038
00:48:07,092 --> 00:48:09,136
It really is. It's fucking hard.

1039
00:48:11,930 --> 00:48:13,515
What's your story, Mutombo?"

1040
00:48:15,976 --> 00:48:17,394
"Oh, you know!

1041
00:48:17,978 --> 00:48:19,563
Same old story.

1042
00:48:22,232 --> 00:48:23,901
Mom ain't got no vagina.

1043
00:48:24,026 --> 00:48:25,402
[laughter]

1044
00:48:25,485 --> 00:48:27,529
Suck a dick, get stabbed.

1045
00:48:28,488 --> 00:48:29,531
Here I am.

1046
00:48:29,740 --> 00:48:31,575
[faint laughter]

1047
00:48:31,742 --> 00:48:33,911
You know, could be worse.
Hashtag #blessed."

1048
00:48:33,994 --> 00:48:35,954
[laughter]

1049
00:48:36,538 --> 00:48:38,540
[a few claps]

1050
00:48:39,207 --> 00:48:40,834
From the humblest of beginnings,

1051
00:48:41,877 --> 00:48:44,004
he'd be around us as we judged him.

1052
00:48:45,839 --> 00:48:46,882
Change our ways.

1053
00:48:47,841 --> 00:48:48,926
We should change our ways.

1054
00:48:49,009 --> 00:48:50,761
The first thing we gotta do
is stop doing this.

1055
00:48:50,844 --> 00:48:51,929
You know what that is?

1056
00:48:52,012 --> 00:48:54,389
That's the symbol of the cross
where Jesus was murdered.

1057
00:48:54,765 --> 00:48:56,308
We got to stop doing this.

1058
00:48:56,808 --> 00:48:57,976
Start doing this.

1059
00:48:58,435 --> 00:49:00,437
[laughter]

1060
00:49:01,355 --> 00:49:03,398
Love... and life.

1061
00:49:03,732 --> 00:49:05,692
Love and life, brothers and sisters.

1062
00:49:09,529 --> 00:49:11,782
Don't get mad at me!
You knew why you came here!

1063
00:49:13,575 --> 00:49:15,452
You get mad. We're a fucking hour in.

1064
00:49:15,535 --> 00:49:17,704
If you're mad now... Jesus Christ!

1065
00:49:18,288 --> 00:49:19,414
[audience member] Woo!

1066
00:49:20,082 --> 00:49:22,000
"Your point of view is terrible."

1067
00:49:22,501 --> 00:49:25,170
-Yeah, it's how I make a living.
-[laughter]

1068
00:49:25,921 --> 00:49:28,006
I say fucked-up shit.
You don't have the time to think up.

1069
00:49:28,090 --> 00:49:28,966
That's all it is.

1070
00:49:30,634 --> 00:49:31,677
Listen.

1071
00:49:32,344 --> 00:49:33,929
Violence against women isn't funny.

1072
00:49:34,012 --> 00:49:36,348
I don't know why you're laughing.
You guys are assholes.

1073
00:49:36,765 --> 00:49:38,558
Ass-holes!

1074
00:49:39,893 --> 00:49:41,687
"Especially in this day and age.

1075
00:49:41,770 --> 00:49:43,772
-Ooh!
-[laughter]

1076
00:49:43,939 --> 00:49:45,941
Oh! Dangerous time.

1077
00:49:46,108 --> 00:49:48,110
Oh!"

1078
00:49:48,652 --> 00:49:50,612
My own mom said this to me.
She goes...

1079
00:49:50,779 --> 00:49:53,115
"I just wish
that Hillary Clinton was president,

1080
00:49:53,198 --> 00:49:54,449
because I think it's about time

1081
00:49:54,533 --> 00:49:57,285
a woman does the most important job
in the world."

1082
00:49:58,537 --> 00:49:59,371
Okay.

1083
00:50:00,122 --> 00:50:03,333
I'm like, "Yeah, but you already make
all the people."

1084
00:50:03,667 --> 00:50:05,669
[laughter]

1085
00:50:07,671 --> 00:50:09,673
-Like...
-[cheers and applause]

1086
00:50:09,965 --> 00:50:13,385
I'm not saying, ladies,
that that's the only thing you can do.

1087
00:50:13,468 --> 00:50:15,512
You make all the humans.

1088
00:50:16,138 --> 00:50:17,889
That's a big fucking deal.

1089
00:50:18,515 --> 00:50:20,642
There's seven billion people
on the planet.

1090
00:50:20,726 --> 00:50:23,478
All of them came out of a woman's body.

1091
00:50:24,813 --> 00:50:28,108
If babies came out of dude's dicks,
there'd be six of us.

1092
00:50:28,191 --> 00:50:30,193
[laughter]

1093
00:50:30,318 --> 00:50:33,030
An abortion would be an app
on your phone.

1094
00:50:33,905 --> 00:50:34,990
All right?

1095
00:50:35,198 --> 00:50:37,159
It'd be snowing out,
you'd pull your phone out,

1096
00:50:37,242 --> 00:50:38,201
"Fuck this kid.

1097
00:50:39,036 --> 00:50:41,788
I'm not shoveling snow
and breastfeeding."

1098
00:50:43,248 --> 00:50:46,251
How about that, ladies?
You make food with your tits!

1099
00:50:47,044 --> 00:50:49,504
You know how goddamn crazy that is?

1100
00:50:49,671 --> 00:50:52,841
You make the most nutritious
baby food known to man,

1101
00:50:52,924 --> 00:50:55,635
with your tits,
while you're doing other shit.

1102
00:50:55,761 --> 00:50:57,763
[laughter]

1103
00:50:59,514 --> 00:51:01,641
'Cause no one's giving you
enough credit for it,

1104
00:51:01,725 --> 00:51:04,686
because so many of you can do it.
That's the problem.

1105
00:51:04,770 --> 00:51:07,814
Almost every woman can make people.
That's the problem.

1106
00:51:08,023 --> 00:51:09,524
If only one lady did it,

1107
00:51:09,691 --> 00:51:12,402
one giant bitch
that lived in the middle of the city...

1108
00:51:12,486 --> 00:51:14,488
[hysterical laughter]

1109
00:51:14,613 --> 00:51:16,281
She had a huge, clear abdomen

1110
00:51:16,364 --> 00:51:18,909
with all our children floating around
inside of it.

1111
00:51:19,034 --> 00:51:21,453
We'd bring her food and blessings.

1112
00:51:22,579 --> 00:51:26,124
That's just as weird as a baby
coming out of a person.

1113
00:51:26,917 --> 00:51:28,668
We're just used to our weird.

1114
00:51:29,252 --> 00:51:31,171
But if that was the way you did it
and someone just said,

1115
00:51:31,254 --> 00:51:34,466
"I'm making my own people. Look."
You'd be like, "Aah!"

1116
00:51:34,549 --> 00:51:35,967
[laughter]

1117
00:51:36,384 --> 00:51:38,804
If people didn't come out of people
and then they started,

1118
00:51:38,887 --> 00:51:40,597
we would freak the fuck out.

1119
00:51:40,931 --> 00:51:42,349
We'd be like, "What's next?"

1120
00:51:43,475 --> 00:51:45,227
No, the problem with the thing is,

1121
00:51:45,644 --> 00:51:50,107
when you... childbirth, you have to be
in the room to really understand it.

1122
00:51:50,524 --> 00:51:53,568
It's not like a thing you watch
in a video and go, "Oh, I get it."

1123
00:51:54,361 --> 00:51:55,487
You think you get it,

1124
00:51:55,695 --> 00:51:58,281
but you never get to see the kid
unless it's yours.

1125
00:51:58,365 --> 00:52:00,242
No one lets you watch.

1126
00:52:00,450 --> 00:52:02,369
Your friends never let you watch.

1127
00:52:02,619 --> 00:52:04,371
Even my sister wouldn't let me watch.

1128
00:52:04,454 --> 00:52:07,833
I go, "What do you think?
I'm gonna get horny and fuck you? Come on!

1129
00:52:08,125 --> 00:52:09,167
Let me see the kid!

1130
00:52:09,835 --> 00:52:11,128
I want to see my nephew."

1131
00:52:11,795 --> 00:52:14,339
Nobody lets you in. Nobody.

1132
00:52:14,548 --> 00:52:15,757
It's got to be your kid.

1133
00:52:15,924 --> 00:52:17,050
By then it's too late.

1134
00:52:17,217 --> 00:52:20,762
'Cause you see the kid come out,
you're like, "Oh!

1135
00:52:21,054 --> 00:52:22,806
Oh, okay."

1136
00:52:22,889 --> 00:52:25,183
And then you start thinking,
"How often is this happening?

1137
00:52:26,518 --> 00:52:29,521
This is happening right now
all over the world!"

1138
00:52:29,604 --> 00:52:30,730
But you don't get to see it.

1139
00:52:30,814 --> 00:52:34,067
There's a website you can go to
where you can see the actual numbers.

1140
00:52:34,151 --> 00:52:36,862
You can see every time a baby
is registered as being born.

1141
00:52:36,945 --> 00:52:40,073
There's like a world population number
and that number is like this....

1142
00:52:40,240 --> 00:52:43,243
[mock buzzing]
It's just fucking spinning.

1143
00:52:43,326 --> 00:52:44,578
It's not sustainable.

1144
00:52:44,661 --> 00:52:47,581
It's not like, "Well, we gained
a few people, we lost a few people.

1145
00:52:47,664 --> 00:52:49,332
Keeping a healthy balance
here on Earth."

1146
00:52:49,416 --> 00:52:52,586
No, it's just people shooting loads
into each other, just fucking...

1147
00:52:52,836 --> 00:52:56,631
[mock buzzing] Eating food and coming
in each other. [groans]

1148
00:52:57,048 --> 00:53:00,594
You just don't see it.
But if there was a place you could see it,

1149
00:53:00,677 --> 00:53:03,722
like if there was a giant
drive-thru movie screen,

1150
00:53:03,847 --> 00:53:07,058
and it was every baby coming out
of every vagina

1151
00:53:07,142 --> 00:53:09,269
in real-time all over the world,
you'd be like,

1152
00:53:09,394 --> 00:53:11,396
"It's a fucking invasion!"

1153
00:53:12,522 --> 00:53:14,232
You'd be like,
"Oh my God, now I get it!

1154
00:53:14,316 --> 00:53:16,943
The vagina is a portal
to another dimension.

1155
00:53:17,277 --> 00:53:19,863
It's like a well of souls
and they're coming through

1156
00:53:19,946 --> 00:53:22,490
with pleasure and love and confusing us!

1157
00:53:22,616 --> 00:53:25,243
And then they grow up
and they do whatever the fuck they want!

1158
00:53:25,327 --> 00:53:27,454
This is how culture gets shaped!

1159
00:53:27,704 --> 00:53:30,332
From aliens from another dimension!"

1160
00:53:31,625 --> 00:53:32,459
Ladies...

1161
00:53:34,211 --> 00:53:35,629
you do that.

1162
00:53:35,712 --> 00:53:36,713
[faint laughter]

1163
00:53:36,963 --> 00:53:38,173
You make people.

1164
00:53:38,423 --> 00:53:40,175
You make all the people.

1165
00:53:41,676 --> 00:53:46,723
And you want to be president too?
You fucking greedy bitches. Jesus Christ!

1166
00:53:47,432 --> 00:53:50,560
What else do you want?
You want bigger dicks than us?

1167
00:53:50,685 --> 00:53:52,270
You want all the money?

1168
00:53:52,354 --> 00:53:53,855
[laughter]

1169
00:53:54,397 --> 00:53:57,317
If I was a woman,
I'd definitely be a feminist. 100%.

1170
00:53:57,609 --> 00:53:59,194
Men are bigger,
they make more money,

1171
00:53:59,277 --> 00:54:01,154
they always try to fuck you,
they lie to you.

1172
00:54:01,238 --> 00:54:02,572
That's too many things.

1173
00:54:02,781 --> 00:54:04,241
[laughter]

1174
00:54:04,324 --> 00:54:05,992
It's too many. It's not balanced.

1175
00:54:06,701 --> 00:54:08,245
I get it, ladies.

1176
00:54:08,703 --> 00:54:10,038
You know what I don't get?

1177
00:54:10,121 --> 00:54:11,748
Men's rights activists.

1178
00:54:13,416 --> 00:54:16,127
Every one I've ever met,
I want to go, "Dude,

1179
00:54:16,461 --> 00:54:17,587
we got all the rights.

1180
00:54:17,796 --> 00:54:19,798
[laughter]

1181
00:54:20,298 --> 00:54:21,132
We got 'em all."

1182
00:54:21,716 --> 00:54:23,927
Fucking relax! The problem is,

1183
00:54:24,177 --> 00:54:27,389
guys that are clamoring for,
"What about men's rights?"

1184
00:54:27,889 --> 00:54:29,891
They're going to pay attention
to what we do.

1185
00:54:30,433 --> 00:54:31,434
This is the thing.

1186
00:54:31,518 --> 00:54:34,771
If girls start doing an audit
of what men do versus what women do,

1187
00:54:34,896 --> 00:54:36,439
it's a big fucking difference.

1188
00:54:36,523 --> 00:54:39,651
Men cause all war.

1189
00:54:40,944 --> 00:54:44,656
That is somehow or another
some weird fact that slipped us by.

1190
00:54:46,366 --> 00:54:48,660
Can you imagine if women caused
all the war?

1191
00:54:50,245 --> 00:54:52,372
How long would it take
before we were like,

1192
00:54:52,455 --> 00:54:55,375
"Yo, we got to kill these
fucking crazy bitches.

1193
00:54:56,293 --> 00:54:57,168
Dude,

1194
00:54:57,294 --> 00:55:00,005
I came home, the girls are in the backyard
making a plane

1195
00:55:00,088 --> 00:55:02,841
to fly over the ocean
and fuck people up they never met.

1196
00:55:02,966 --> 00:55:04,217
These bitches are bloodthirsty.

1197
00:55:04,301 --> 00:55:07,262
They never want to stay put,
constantly conquering new ground,

1198
00:55:07,345 --> 00:55:08,888
stealing people's oil."

1199
00:55:09,264 --> 00:55:10,557
Can you imagine?

1200
00:55:11,683 --> 00:55:15,645
"What about men's rights?"
Shut the fuck up. Stop.

1201
00:55:17,272 --> 00:55:18,898
Men cause most of the murder.

1202
00:55:18,982 --> 00:55:20,900
Men cause most of the rape.

1203
00:55:21,026 --> 00:55:21,901
A guy stops me.

1204
00:55:22,027 --> 00:55:25,238
"Actually, here's a statistic
you're probably not aware of.

1205
00:55:25,947 --> 00:55:28,700
But men actually get raped
more than women."

1206
00:55:29,993 --> 00:55:32,954
Yeah, by other men, you fucking dipshit!

1207
00:55:33,163 --> 00:55:35,665
-Jesus Christ!
-[laughter and applause]

1208
00:55:35,790 --> 00:55:38,126
You're making my point for me,
you stupid fuck.

1209
00:55:39,169 --> 00:55:41,046
What did you think was happening?

1210
00:55:42,881 --> 00:55:46,426
When you heard that number you're like,
"No more investigations needed.

1211
00:55:47,510 --> 00:55:51,598
Clearly there's packs of cheerleaders
out there raping soldiers.

1212
00:55:52,223 --> 00:55:53,975
We got to put a stop to it."

1213
00:55:54,059 --> 00:55:55,518
[cheers and laughter]

1214
00:55:58,229 --> 00:56:00,523
No, men are so gross,
we fuck each other.

1215
00:56:00,648 --> 00:56:02,650
[laughter]

1216
00:56:03,943 --> 00:56:05,820
See, I say that and no one gets mad.

1217
00:56:07,030 --> 00:56:10,283
No men are like, "Bro, you're fucking
generalizing massively.

1218
00:56:10,533 --> 00:56:12,202
[laughter]

1219
00:56:12,577 --> 00:56:16,623
It's such a douchebag move
to just criticize an entire gender."

1220
00:56:18,458 --> 00:56:20,877
Men don't care, 'cause I'm one of you,
and you know.

1221
00:56:20,960 --> 00:56:23,380
Like if I say guys jerk off
to basketball games, you're like,

1222
00:56:23,463 --> 00:56:25,715
-"Some of us.
-[laughter]

1223
00:56:25,799 --> 00:56:26,758
For sure."

1224
00:56:28,176 --> 00:56:30,470
Right? But if I say anything

1225
00:56:30,678 --> 00:56:33,390
even remotely critical about women,

1226
00:56:34,015 --> 00:56:36,142
people will get really mad.

1227
00:56:37,602 --> 00:56:38,436
Watch.

1228
00:56:38,770 --> 00:56:40,772
[laughter]

1229
00:56:43,525 --> 00:56:45,110
Ladies, I love you.

1230
00:56:45,318 --> 00:56:47,195
You're some of my favorite people.

1231
00:56:48,279 --> 00:56:49,572
But let's be honest,

1232
00:56:50,115 --> 00:56:51,783
you don't invent a lot of shit.

1233
00:56:51,950 --> 00:56:53,535
[laughter]

1234
00:56:54,244 --> 00:56:56,121
Ooh! Feel that?

1235
00:56:56,413 --> 00:56:57,705
Yeah!

1236
00:56:57,872 --> 00:56:59,999
That's some ride-home arguments
in the air.

1237
00:57:00,959 --> 00:57:04,295
Right? You can feel the tension.
"No, you were laughing. It's not funny.

1238
00:57:04,379 --> 00:57:07,132
You were fucking laughing! It's sexist!

1239
00:57:07,340 --> 00:57:09,134
No, he makes fun of men first

1240
00:57:09,217 --> 00:57:11,928
so he can make fun of women later,
you fucking moron.

1241
00:57:12,011 --> 00:57:15,515
Oh my God, you don't even know comedy.
You don't even know what you like.

1242
00:57:15,598 --> 00:57:17,183
Drop me off.
Just fucking drop me off.

1243
00:57:17,308 --> 00:57:19,853
Just... drop me off."

1244
00:57:22,147 --> 00:57:25,066
But you know I'm right.
Here's what's important about this.

1245
00:57:25,525 --> 00:57:28,069
When it comes to inventions,
we're talking about inventions.

1246
00:57:28,153 --> 00:57:32,073
Let's be really clear.
I am a fucking moron.

1247
00:57:32,323 --> 00:57:34,742
Okay? I've never invented shit.

1248
00:57:34,868 --> 00:57:37,579
And I'm guessing
you're probably pretty dumb too,

1249
00:57:37,662 --> 00:57:40,290
which is why you're here
listening to me talk.

1250
00:57:41,291 --> 00:57:45,253
-Okay, let's just be honest.
-[cheers and applause and whistles]

1251
00:57:45,920 --> 00:57:48,006
We're not talking about us.

1252
00:57:49,340 --> 00:57:51,176
We're talking about inventors.

1253
00:57:51,301 --> 00:57:52,635
Okay, it's not us.

1254
00:57:52,719 --> 00:57:55,763
Why do we have to be on Team Penis
versus Team Vagina on this one?

1255
00:57:55,847 --> 00:57:56,681
It's crazy.

1256
00:57:56,931 --> 00:58:00,226
The men and the women in this room,
we have more in common with each other

1257
00:58:00,310 --> 00:58:03,521
than we do with those
fucking freaks out there

1258
00:58:03,605 --> 00:58:06,441
inventing all the shit we need
to make our life awesome.

1259
00:58:08,109 --> 00:58:08,943
Okay?

1260
00:58:09,027 --> 00:58:11,529
But those freaks out there inventing shit

1261
00:58:11,613 --> 00:58:13,990
are almost all dudes.

1262
00:58:15,116 --> 00:58:16,367
And I don't know why.

1263
00:58:16,826 --> 00:58:18,953
But that makes me feel like a winner.

1264
00:58:19,120 --> 00:58:21,122
[laughter]

1265
00:58:22,415 --> 00:58:23,541
I feel like I won.

1266
00:58:24,250 --> 00:58:25,877
I really do. I feel pretty good.

1267
00:58:26,127 --> 00:58:27,795
And I'm looking around
at some of you ladies

1268
00:58:27,879 --> 00:58:29,130
and you look like losers.

1269
00:58:30,673 --> 00:58:32,175
You look like you lost.

1270
00:58:32,509 --> 00:58:34,969
You're not even in the contest.
You're like, "Hey!

1271
00:58:35,220 --> 00:58:38,431
[grunts] I don't like this part."
[grunts again]

1272
00:58:38,806 --> 00:58:40,141
If you'd your phone you'd be like,

1273
00:58:40,225 --> 00:58:42,477
"Surely women have invented
a bunch of things."

1274
00:58:42,602 --> 00:58:45,104
No, they haven't. I wish they had.

1275
00:58:46,898 --> 00:58:49,651
Women invented, like, 40 things ever.

1276
00:58:50,610 --> 00:58:52,237
And it was all shit they needed.

1277
00:58:52,362 --> 00:58:54,364
[laughter]

1278
00:58:56,741 --> 00:58:59,118
A woman invented
the dishwashing machine.

1279
00:58:59,327 --> 00:59:02,121
[cheers and applause and laughter]

1280
00:59:03,831 --> 00:59:07,210
I didn't even write a joke for that. I'll
let you figure out why you're laughing.

1281
00:59:08,086 --> 00:59:10,672
Can't call me out on a non-existent
sexist joke.

1282
00:59:10,964 --> 00:59:12,215
It's just a fact.

1283
00:59:14,509 --> 00:59:16,844
Women invented some
very important things, actually.

1284
00:59:16,928 --> 00:59:19,305
Like, no bullshit, all jokes aside,

1285
00:59:19,389 --> 00:59:21,015
a woman invented Kevlar,

1286
00:59:21,182 --> 00:59:24,477
which is the bulletproof material they use
for first responder vests.

1287
00:59:24,561 --> 00:59:29,232
Who knows how many lives were saved
because of one woman's invention?

1288
00:59:29,899 --> 00:59:31,651
[cheers and applause]

1289
00:59:32,235 --> 00:59:33,111
But!

1290
00:59:34,195 --> 00:59:37,365
I bet it was probably a chick
who wanted to shoot her husband...

1291
00:59:37,448 --> 00:59:39,117
[laughter]

1292
00:59:39,450 --> 00:59:42,203
but she didn't want him to die,

1293
00:59:42,829 --> 00:59:45,832
'cause then she'd have to get a job.
She's like, "Hmm.

1294
00:59:45,957 --> 00:59:47,458
[cheers and applause]

1295
00:59:49,794 --> 00:59:51,421
There's got to be a way

1296
00:59:51,504 --> 00:59:55,091
to shoot this motherfucker
and still sleep in."

1297
00:59:56,926 --> 01:00:00,555
Again, I'm a fucking moron!
Don't get mad at me!

1298
01:00:01,014 --> 01:00:03,141
We're just talking about inventors.

1299
01:00:03,600 --> 01:00:05,893
I don't want to leave any
really important women inventors

1300
01:00:05,977 --> 01:00:08,146
on the list
who are all way smarter than me,

1301
01:00:08,229 --> 01:00:10,398
but, like, one of them was Hedy Lamarr,

1302
01:00:10,565 --> 01:00:12,650
a gorgeous actress from the 1940s.

1303
01:00:12,734 --> 01:00:15,236
She invented spread spectrum technology,

1304
01:00:15,361 --> 01:00:18,114
which is how we use GPS
and Wi-Fi today.

1305
01:00:18,197 --> 01:00:19,407
This one woman did that.

1306
01:00:19,490 --> 01:00:21,784
But she was hot, no one cared.
They were just trying to fuck her.

1307
01:00:21,909 --> 01:00:24,912
Nobody paid attention
to anything smart she said.

1308
01:00:24,996 --> 01:00:26,289
They had to wait until she died.

1309
01:00:26,372 --> 01:00:28,750
They're going through her notes,
like, "Fucking Wi-Fi. Hmm."

1310
01:00:28,833 --> 01:00:30,335
[laughter]

1311
01:00:31,085 --> 01:00:34,881
Yeah. 'Cause we're gross!
I already told you we're gross.

1312
01:00:36,174 --> 01:00:38,384
A woman invented
the first hypodermic needle.

1313
01:00:38,468 --> 01:00:41,888
It was one woman's idea of how
to effectively get medication into people.

1314
01:00:41,971 --> 01:00:43,723
Who knows how many lives she saved?

1315
01:00:43,806 --> 01:00:45,975
One woman's idea

1316
01:00:46,476 --> 01:00:48,645
was computer coding. One woman.

1317
01:00:48,895 --> 01:00:50,647
She invented the computer code.

1318
01:00:50,730 --> 01:00:53,107
Without her contribution, who knows?

1319
01:00:53,358 --> 01:00:54,233
One person.

1320
01:00:54,317 --> 01:00:56,486
Without this one woman's contribution,

1321
01:00:56,694 --> 01:00:59,113
who knows where technology would be today?

1322
01:01:00,323 --> 01:01:01,199
After that...

1323
01:01:01,949 --> 01:01:02,992
big drop off.

1324
01:01:04,535 --> 01:01:06,454
I mean, fucking, like a cliff.

1325
01:01:06,579 --> 01:01:12,293
The number 11 most impressive invention
by a woman is the chocolate chip cookie.

1326
01:01:13,628 --> 01:01:15,296
Again, I'm a fucking idiot.

1327
01:01:15,421 --> 01:01:17,298
Way better than anything I'll invent.

1328
01:01:18,132 --> 01:01:20,301
But a dude invented the chocolate chip

1329
01:01:20,426 --> 01:01:22,178
and a dude invented the cookie,

1330
01:01:22,720 --> 01:01:24,472
and he probably just wanted
to go to bed.

1331
01:01:26,057 --> 01:01:29,143
He was probably like, "You nailed it.
You're an inventor. Goodnight."

1332
01:01:29,644 --> 01:01:31,521
She's got her chef's hat on.
"Write it down.

1333
01:01:32,230 --> 01:01:33,898
Write it down."

1334
01:01:34,023 --> 01:01:36,025
[laughter]

1335
01:01:37,985 --> 01:01:40,822
I'll leave you with this
'cause it's uncomfortable but also true.

1336
01:01:41,906 --> 01:01:43,908
A man invented the tampon.

1337
01:01:46,035 --> 01:01:47,078
Let that soak in.

1338
01:01:47,995 --> 01:01:51,165
-Oh! Oh! How'd I do that to you?
-[laughter and applause]

1339
01:01:51,249 --> 01:01:54,127
I had to. That's what you have
to say right there. I know.

1340
01:01:54,627 --> 01:01:57,422
But for real,
a tampon is not a good invention.

1341
01:01:57,714 --> 01:02:00,591
It's just one of those things
that's been around for a long time,

1342
01:02:00,675 --> 01:02:02,093
but it's like a legacy invention.

1343
01:02:02,176 --> 01:02:04,554
It seems like a male solution

1344
01:02:04,846 --> 01:02:06,848
to a body part he doesn't have

1345
01:02:07,223 --> 01:02:09,058
and a problem he doesn't understand.

1346
01:02:09,976 --> 01:02:10,893
Like, "What?

1347
01:02:11,227 --> 01:02:13,229
What's going on? Huh?

1348
01:02:13,479 --> 01:02:15,565
Aah! Just stuff something up there!"

1349
01:02:15,690 --> 01:02:17,942
[laughter and applause]

1350
01:02:20,403 --> 01:02:22,947
No woman is ever going to invent a tampon!

1351
01:02:23,072 --> 01:02:24,741
A woman would have invent a maxi pad.

1352
01:02:24,824 --> 01:02:27,160
Like, "Hey, hey, stupid.
We're not stuffing anything.

1353
01:02:27,243 --> 01:02:29,620
We're just going to take this,
put it there, leave it alone.

1354
01:02:29,746 --> 01:02:30,788
It will be fine."

1355
01:02:31,414 --> 01:02:32,540
"Fuck that!

1356
01:02:32,665 --> 01:02:35,001
We're gonna make a cotton dick
and just stuff it up there.

1357
01:02:35,084 --> 01:02:37,086
-Get in there."
-[laughter]

1358
01:02:37,503 --> 01:02:38,671
"What if it gets stuck?"

1359
01:02:38,755 --> 01:02:41,382
"I'm going to put a rope on the end of it
and yank it out like a fish."

1360
01:02:42,008 --> 01:02:44,719
-Thank you, Boston!
-[cheers and applause]

1361
01:02:44,802 --> 01:02:47,346
I had a great fucking time!
I love you, people!

1362
01:02:47,430 --> 01:02:49,432
[cheering and applause continue]

1363
01:02:49,766 --> 01:02:53,728
For real, it makes me incredibly happy
to be able to do this here.

1364
01:02:54,103 --> 01:02:57,064
This is where I started.
You people are the shit and I love you.

1365
01:02:57,148 --> 01:02:58,608
Thank you. Thanks for coming.

1366
01:02:59,233 --> 01:03:00,109
Thank you!

1367
01:03:34,393 --> 01:03:35,812
SDH created by: Chiranjib Sahoo