1
00:00:00,520 --> 00:00:02,450
WOMAN OVER PHONE: Hello, Fran Fernandez?
2
00:00:02,663 --> 00:00:04,175
Er, yes?
3
00:00:04,304 --> 00:00:07,050
This is Linda from the
Fraud Prevention Team.
4
00:00:07,246 --> 00:00:10,164
We've noticed some suspicious
activity on your card.
5
00:00:10,182 --> 00:00:12,190
As a precaution, Mrs Fernandez,
6
00:00:12,230 --> 00:00:14,683
I'd like to go through some
of your recent purchases.
7
00:00:14,723 --> 00:00:16,226
Is this a good time?
8
00:00:16,255 --> 00:00:18,322
- (CREAK, GRUNT)
- Yeah, sure.
9
00:00:18,339 --> 00:00:22,163
Did you purchase a couples spa
weekend at the Carinthia Hotel?
10
00:00:22,170 --> 00:00:25,047
That was probably my
husband. We share an account.
11
00:00:25,076 --> 00:00:28,525
Sometimes he will make
purchases without my knowing.
12
00:00:28,548 --> 00:00:31,495
Oh, I'm sorry. I've probably
ruined a nice surprise for you.
13
00:00:31,702 --> 00:00:33,650
Oh, God, don't worry.
He won't be taking ME.
14
00:00:33,730 --> 00:00:38,209
OK. You're absolutely sure it's
your husband using the card?
15
00:00:38,261 --> 00:00:39,924
Yeah. Pretty sure.
16
00:00:40,137 --> 00:00:42,630
Linda, can I just check
the last transaction?
17
00:00:42,681 --> 00:00:45,756
Let's see. 03:35 AM,
I've got bottle service
18
00:00:45,796 --> 00:00:47,793
in a nightclub called Snakes And Lads.
19
00:00:47,822 --> 00:00:49,664
Oh, yes, that's definitely Joao.
20
00:00:49,711 --> 00:00:50,989
It's his favourite gay bar.
21
00:00:51,010 --> 00:00:53,729
It's for ã2,600.
22
00:00:55,761 --> 00:00:58,323
Gosh. Tha... that is...
that is a lot, isn't it?
23
00:00:58,340 --> 00:01:01,333
I will very much bring that up
with my husband when he gets home.
24
00:01:01,379 --> 00:01:03,602
- You have a nice day now.
- Thanks so much, Linda.
25
00:01:03,650 --> 00:01:05,010
(GRUNTS)
26
00:01:07,264 --> 00:01:09,570
[SPENCER DAVIS GROUP: I'M A MAN]
27
00:01:15,509 --> 00:01:17,328
Stop trying to run away.
28
00:01:17,363 --> 00:01:19,050
(MUFFLED CRIES)
29
00:01:20,356 --> 00:01:21,570
What?
30
00:01:22,527 --> 00:01:25,250
Of course I'm trying to bloody run away!
31
00:01:25,924 --> 00:01:28,895
Will you two please quit cocking about?
32
00:01:28,912 --> 00:01:31,778
You are making a huge mistake.
33
00:01:31,801 --> 00:01:33,425
When my people realise I'm missing,
34
00:01:33,471 --> 00:01:36,430
they're gonna find you two clowns
and bury you in your own shit.
35
00:01:36,450 --> 00:01:38,330
Wait. You've got people?
36
00:01:38,387 --> 00:01:40,529
I'm the head of a wealth management firm
37
00:01:40,552 --> 00:01:43,034
operating in over 100 countries.
38
00:01:43,074 --> 00:01:46,983
My house has four AGAs. Of
course I have fucking people!
39
00:01:47,006 --> 00:01:49,217
- Well, Mr K...
- (COCKS GUN)
40
00:01:49,424 --> 00:01:51,796
... also has people...
41
00:01:52,072 --> 00:01:54,018
- Us.
- If you pull that trigger,
42
00:01:54,035 --> 00:01:55,549
your boss is gonna lose a lot more
43
00:01:55,566 --> 00:01:58,255
- (PHONE VIBRATING)
- than the few hundred thousand quid I've skimmed.
44
00:02:01,565 --> 00:02:02,814
Hello?
45
00:02:03,781 --> 00:02:06,459
- Yeah, we've got her.
- Let me speak to him. Put him on.
46
00:02:06,464 --> 00:02:08,048
She wants to talk to you.
47
00:02:08,842 --> 00:02:11,345
Christian? Hi, good
evening. How are you?
48
00:02:11,374 --> 00:02:13,930
Listen, this has all been terrific fun,
49
00:02:13,953 --> 00:02:15,790
but er, here's the thing.
50
00:02:15,812 --> 00:02:17,896
I've been quietly
putting all your savings
51
00:02:17,919 --> 00:02:21,190
into a high-security bank
account that only I can access.
52
00:02:21,224 --> 00:02:24,759
- Think of it as an insurance policy.
- Clever. I'd never think of that.
53
00:02:24,765 --> 00:02:27,776
Yeah, and that's why this suit cost
more than everything you two own.
54
00:02:27,810 --> 00:02:29,773
I doubt it. Fran's got an Xbox.
55
00:02:29,808 --> 00:02:31,955
Now, here's the really juicy part.
56
00:02:31,990 --> 00:02:34,293
If I don't sign into that
account every six hours,
57
00:02:34,345 --> 00:02:37,758
it becomes permanently
frozen. Bye-bye, savings.
58
00:02:37,786 --> 00:02:39,571
Hello, Chicken Cottage.
59
00:02:39,894 --> 00:02:41,362
It's a fast-food restaurant.
60
00:02:41,368 --> 00:02:43,325
My stepson goes there
when he's on drugs.
61
00:02:43,573 --> 00:02:47,603
The fact is, I last signed in,
let's see, around three hours ago,
62
00:02:47,631 --> 00:02:50,263
so you might want to let me
go sooner rather than later.
63
00:02:50,286 --> 00:02:51,490
OK?
64
00:02:52,060 --> 00:02:54,264
Oh. He wants to speak to you.
65
00:02:56,366 --> 00:02:57,850
Get the password how?
66
00:02:58,190 --> 00:02:59,376
Torture her?
67
00:02:59,451 --> 00:03:00,614
Erm...
68
00:03:01,754 --> 00:03:03,654
... torture isn't really our thing.
69
00:03:03,671 --> 00:03:05,997
We just like a nice clean kill.
70
00:03:06,325 --> 00:03:10,718
Tell him if he lets me go now,
I'll split the money 50-50.
71
00:03:12,157 --> 00:03:14,195
- Understood.
- [WOLFMOTHER: VICTORIOUS]
72
00:03:22,306 --> 00:03:23,815
Waterboarding?
73
00:03:23,872 --> 00:03:25,628
Oh, no, no way.
74
00:03:25,892 --> 00:03:27,291
Racking?
75
00:03:27,355 --> 00:03:28,771
Riding the rail.
76
00:03:28,794 --> 00:03:30,659
The brazen bull?
77
00:03:31,540 --> 00:03:34,228
These torture techniques look
like tantric sex positions.
78
00:03:34,234 --> 00:03:36,197
- Fran, this is not our bag.
- No.
79
00:03:36,237 --> 00:03:38,165
I mean, it's one thing
killing somebody but...
80
00:03:38,211 --> 00:03:40,456
popping their tips in
a laminator, I mean...
81
00:03:40,496 --> 00:03:42,926
Listen! Your boss isn't an idiot.
82
00:03:42,946 --> 00:03:45,026
He will take the deal, and when he does,
83
00:03:45,056 --> 00:03:47,426
if you've so much as
scuffed my Louboutins,
84
00:03:47,480 --> 00:03:49,248
I'm gonna make sure he has you killed,
85
00:03:49,294 --> 00:03:52,926
then resuscitated by a team of
very expensive Swiss surgeons
86
00:03:52,955 --> 00:03:54,768
and then killed again.
87
00:04:01,711 --> 00:04:03,904
There's no way we're doing
any of that awful stuff.
88
00:04:03,927 --> 00:04:06,626
We need to... We need
to think out of the box.
89
00:04:07,220 --> 00:04:09,306
Mints. Extra Strong.
90
00:04:09,333 --> 00:04:12,752
Pop three of these in her
mouth at once and... (CHUCKLES)
91
00:04:12,873 --> 00:04:14,998
- Not exactly Saw, is it?
- (PHONE VIBRATING)
92
00:04:16,394 --> 00:04:19,346
- Oh, God, it's Joao.
- Is he stealing from you again?
93
00:04:19,426 --> 00:04:20,925
Jamie, it's not stealing.
94
00:04:20,948 --> 00:04:23,441
He's simply taking my
money without permission.
95
00:04:23,482 --> 00:04:25,324
- He's been with you for six months?
- Mm.
96
00:04:25,352 --> 00:04:27,955
He's got his visa now.
You could be out there,
97
00:04:27,978 --> 00:04:32,014
meeting someone that means
something to you. Fran...
98
00:04:32,099 --> 00:04:35,186
Do you know, I can totally
see you getting it together
99
00:04:35,215 --> 00:04:37,719
with a Salma Hayek figure, yeah?
100
00:04:37,748 --> 00:04:41,648
And she is not gonna steal money
from you, because she is loaded.
101
00:04:41,666 --> 00:04:44,713
Can I just say, I dated for years
and all I ever got was heartbreak...
102
00:04:44,951 --> 00:04:47,466
and the occasional bout of oral thrush.
103
00:04:47,546 --> 00:04:48,826
(BANGING)
104
00:04:49,546 --> 00:04:51,376
Oi! Loose Women!
105
00:04:51,393 --> 00:04:53,281
Tick-fucking-tock!
106
00:04:53,306 --> 00:04:55,428
Tell Mr K to take the deal!
107
00:04:56,866 --> 00:04:59,055
Fran, talking of oral thrush...
108
00:04:59,066 --> 00:05:00,667
I don't have time to give her that now.
109
00:05:00,724 --> 00:05:03,315
No, why don't we seduce her
110
00:05:03,346 --> 00:05:06,125
with a bit of S-and-M hostage role-play?
111
00:05:06,346 --> 00:05:07,864
Now, I'm totally up for it,
112
00:05:07,881 --> 00:05:11,190
but full disclosure, I am
on day four of these Spanx,
113
00:05:11,214 --> 00:05:12,279
- so...
- Oh, God.
114
00:05:12,290 --> 00:05:14,461
I don't know who would be into that.
115
00:05:14,628 --> 00:05:17,196
- What, you've never tried role-play in the bedroom?
- Er...
116
00:05:17,570 --> 00:05:19,591
sex is like life, Jamie.
117
00:05:19,626 --> 00:05:21,773
You just want to rattle
through it quickly
118
00:05:21,826 --> 00:05:23,264
and then apologise.
119
00:05:23,333 --> 00:05:25,205
Although, having said that... (SIGHS)
120
00:05:25,216 --> 00:05:26,834
... it doesn't always work.
121
00:05:27,248 --> 00:05:28,838
This guy I'm seeing at the moment.
122
00:05:28,861 --> 00:05:31,941
There is nothing about Colin
I can get excited about.
123
00:05:31,958 --> 00:05:34,969
It's like having sex with
a piece of Shredded Wheat.
124
00:05:35,130 --> 00:05:37,634
I've burned through most
of my role-play repertoire
125
00:05:37,657 --> 00:05:40,473
trying to spice things up a
bit, you know, the French maid,
126
00:05:40,506 --> 00:05:42,701
the naughty nurse,
the disgraced dentist.
127
00:05:42,730 --> 00:05:44,204
He's not into any of it.
128
00:05:44,233 --> 00:05:47,946
(BANG ON VAN) Trust me, this
is a waste of everyone's time!
129
00:05:48,026 --> 00:05:50,456
My personal trainer says
I have the pain threshold
130
00:05:50,466 --> 00:05:52,713
of someone in a medically-induced coma!
131
00:05:52,788 --> 00:05:54,348
Right. Listen.
132
00:05:54,423 --> 00:05:56,271
If we're gonna get
that psycho to break...
133
00:05:56,795 --> 00:05:58,827
- we need to get in here.
- Into your head.
134
00:05:58,879 --> 00:06:01,896
Into HER head, Jamie.
135
00:06:01,908 --> 00:06:04,383
- Sounds intense.
- It can be.
136
00:06:04,999 --> 00:06:06,536
Leave this to me.
137
00:06:07,653 --> 00:06:10,117
I don't want you to get
caught in the crossfire.
138
00:06:11,073 --> 00:06:14,251
Come on. That's it. Let it all out.
139
00:06:14,266 --> 00:06:16,237
(SOBBING) I'm...
140
00:06:16,761 --> 00:06:19,392
The thing is, it's
really hard, you know,
141
00:06:19,473 --> 00:06:23,423
because I really try and I try,
and I don't get anything back.
142
00:06:23,699 --> 00:06:25,910
We're not properly married but...
143
00:06:25,957 --> 00:06:27,822
Fran, you need to wise up.
144
00:06:27,874 --> 00:06:30,401
Tell this Joao what I
told my mother last week.
145
00:06:30,426 --> 00:06:32,546
If you can't pay your
way, you're on the streets.
146
00:06:32,626 --> 00:06:34,146
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
147
00:06:35,323 --> 00:06:36,746
Oh. Sorry.
148
00:06:36,826 --> 00:06:38,666
It's just it... Well, it's been...
149
00:06:39,250 --> 00:06:42,290
It's been a while. Just
thought I'd check in.
150
00:06:42,491 --> 00:06:46,659
See how the... WHISPERING:
mind game's going.
151
00:06:46,694 --> 00:06:47,955
(SOBS)
152
00:06:48,237 --> 00:06:50,114
I've just been telling Fran here
153
00:06:50,146 --> 00:06:52,255
that she needs to be more
assertive with this...
154
00:06:52,324 --> 00:06:54,989
excuse my French, fuck-wit Joao.
155
00:06:55,007 --> 00:06:56,866
He is walking all over her.
156
00:06:56,946 --> 00:06:58,577
- Thank you!
- Yeah.
157
00:06:58,628 --> 00:07:00,666
That's what I've been
telling her. Fran...
158
00:07:00,730 --> 00:07:03,694
she's right. Joao is taking the piss.
159
00:07:03,740 --> 00:07:05,456
Yeah, listen to your friend, Fran.
160
00:07:05,473 --> 00:07:08,392
Yeah. I... I will. And
you're... you're both right.
161
00:07:08,426 --> 00:07:09,906
I'm gonna go call him now
162
00:07:09,923 --> 00:07:12,560
- and tell him he now I feel.
- Oh, good girl!
163
00:07:12,767 --> 00:07:14,374
Thank you.
164
00:07:14,904 --> 00:07:17,892
WHISPERING: Keep the pressure up
because I think she's about to crack.
165
00:07:18,068 --> 00:07:19,428
WHISPERING: Absolutely, mate.
166
00:07:19,508 --> 00:07:20,776
Thank you again.
167
00:07:20,995 --> 00:07:23,148
I'll tidy myself up and speak to him.
168
00:07:23,228 --> 00:07:24,948
(SOBBING)
169
00:07:25,185 --> 00:07:27,667
Right, you're gonna
give me the password.
170
00:07:27,684 --> 00:07:30,661
Come on, then. What have you got?
171
00:07:31,228 --> 00:07:32,486
Joao?
172
00:07:32,595 --> 00:07:34,253
Joao, it's me.
173
00:07:34,581 --> 00:07:36,308
Your sham wife?
174
00:07:36,388 --> 00:07:38,184
Joao, turn the music down.
175
00:07:38,588 --> 00:07:41,379
Turn the music down!
176
00:07:42,748 --> 00:07:44,724
I don't care there's a foam party.
177
00:07:44,748 --> 00:07:47,183
Just please get them out of the house.
178
00:07:47,275 --> 00:07:48,588
OK, listen.
179
00:07:48,617 --> 00:07:51,910
I will shut down that joint account
unless you start contributing.
180
00:07:52,428 --> 00:07:53,901
Contributing.
181
00:07:54,348 --> 00:07:57,206
Con... Oh, fuck, hang on, what is it?
182
00:07:57,228 --> 00:07:59,008
Con... Oh, hang on.
183
00:07:59,148 --> 00:08:01,753
Contribuir... that's it!
184
00:08:04,010 --> 00:08:07,228
How are you er... doing with those?
185
00:08:08,041 --> 00:08:11,644
- Ready to talk?
- I've actually had a bit of a sniffle coming on,
186
00:08:11,668 --> 00:08:14,413
so it is helping to clear
out the old nasal passage.
187
00:08:14,440 --> 00:08:17,203
(SIGHS) I'm actually rubbish
at this torture stuff.
188
00:08:17,228 --> 00:08:19,447
Jamie, don't do yourself down.
189
00:08:19,839 --> 00:08:22,206
I think you're the
brains of this outfit.
190
00:08:22,228 --> 00:08:24,251
- Really?
- Yes, it's so obvious.
191
00:08:24,279 --> 00:08:26,954
Fran's out there, yacking
away to her husband
192
00:08:26,982 --> 00:08:28,995
while you're in here manning the ship.
193
00:08:29,548 --> 00:08:31,748
You're the one who's really in charge.
194
00:08:32,201 --> 00:08:35,467
And that's why I'm going
to give you the password.
195
00:08:35,532 --> 00:08:36,715
For what?
196
00:08:37,282 --> 00:08:38,708
The bank account.
197
00:08:38,788 --> 00:08:41,201
- Wait, seriously?
- Yes.
198
00:08:41,446 --> 00:08:43,426
OK. Are you ready?
199
00:08:43,548 --> 00:08:45,212
The password is...
200
00:08:45,516 --> 00:08:46,691
two.
201
00:08:48,302 --> 00:08:50,697
That's it, just two?
202
00:08:50,752 --> 00:08:53,696
Yeah. Nice and simple
so I don't forget it.
203
00:08:53,935 --> 00:08:55,404
Smart.
204
00:08:56,948 --> 00:08:58,716
Are you gonna call
your boss and tell him?
205
00:08:58,868 --> 00:09:01,369
I actually... I'm not
allowed to call Mr K.
206
00:09:01,383 --> 00:09:03,289
- It's usually Fran...
- Uh-oh-oh-oh, Jamie?
207
00:09:03,308 --> 00:09:06,564
I thought we'd just agreed
that you're in charge?
208
00:09:07,158 --> 00:09:09,465
- Who's the one who's got the password?
- The password?
209
00:09:09,479 --> 00:09:12,077
- To the bank account!
- Yes. Yes, yes, yes.
210
00:09:13,657 --> 00:09:14,670
Wait, what was it again?
211
00:09:14,684 --> 00:09:15,821
- Two!
- Two.
212
00:09:16,308 --> 00:09:17,802
Two. Got it.
213
00:09:19,773 --> 00:09:22,444
Can you imagine how pleased he'll
be when you call and tell him?
214
00:09:22,832 --> 00:09:25,948
He'll probably give you
some kind of special reward.
215
00:09:26,028 --> 00:09:27,676
I don't know what you're into.
216
00:09:27,948 --> 00:09:29,031
A...
217
00:09:29,428 --> 00:09:30,689
bicycle?
218
00:09:30,892 --> 00:09:32,048
Or a...
219
00:09:32,668 --> 00:09:33,701
button?
220
00:09:35,228 --> 00:09:37,354
Hoo. Great news.
221
00:09:38,428 --> 00:09:41,044
Joao has finally agreed to
pull his weight financially.
222
00:09:41,068 --> 00:09:43,356
Great. Yep, he's planning
to set up a nightclub,
223
00:09:43,379 --> 00:09:45,655
which, if my Portuguese
translation is correct,
224
00:09:45,668 --> 00:09:48,132
I think he's gonna call Cock-A-Hoop.
225
00:09:50,242 --> 00:09:51,969
- What are you doing?
- Calling Mr K.
226
00:09:51,978 --> 00:09:53,521
Why? You're not supposed to do that!
227
00:09:53,548 --> 00:09:56,648
Hang on, I broke her. I've
got the password. It's two.
228
00:09:57,075 --> 00:09:58,992
- What do you mean it's two?
- It's two.
229
00:09:59,009 --> 00:10:00,943
It's just two. Can you believe it?
230
00:10:00,948 --> 00:10:03,493
No, I can't believe it
because it's not just two.
231
00:10:03,508 --> 00:10:05,065
She's playing... Give me that.
232
00:10:05,168 --> 00:10:06,924
No! Just cos you're jealous.
233
00:10:06,970 --> 00:10:09,319
- Cos I'm manning the ship.
- Rubbish!
234
00:10:10,628 --> 00:10:12,941
Er, hello, Mr K? Yep, erm...
235
00:10:12,991 --> 00:10:15,395
Well, we just wanted
to ring in and erm...
236
00:10:15,474 --> 00:10:18,288
well, just see how you
are, really. How are you?
237
00:10:18,322 --> 00:10:19,911
And how's...
238
00:10:21,586 --> 00:10:23,077
Right. Just shut the fuck up.
239
00:10:23,112 --> 00:10:24,994
I will do that. And...
240
00:10:25,268 --> 00:10:27,418
Yeah, I'll get on with it now.
241
00:10:27,868 --> 00:10:30,861
Yes, because my life depends on it.
242
00:10:31,188 --> 00:10:33,492
Thank you for... Lovely to catch up.
243
00:10:33,762 --> 00:10:36,756
This is turning out to be quite fun.
244
00:10:40,997 --> 00:10:44,019
If we can't make her give us
the password in the next hour,
245
00:10:44,048 --> 00:10:45,462
we are both dead.
246
00:10:45,482 --> 00:10:49,110
Mate, I promise you, I'm pushing
my brain to the absolute limit.
247
00:10:50,408 --> 00:10:51,608
(KNOCKING)
248
00:10:52,596 --> 00:10:55,023
- Who's that?
- Oh...
249
00:10:55,387 --> 00:10:57,243
God, it's Colin.
250
00:10:58,488 --> 00:10:59,563
- That's Colin?
- Yep.
251
00:10:59,609 --> 00:11:01,219
- Colin you've been seeing?
- Yes.
252
00:11:01,248 --> 00:11:02,566
- Mr Shredded Wheat?
- Yep.
253
00:11:03,610 --> 00:11:05,745
God. You didn't tell me he was coming.
254
00:11:05,768 --> 00:11:07,919
You also didn't tell me
he was so insanely hot.
255
00:11:07,929 --> 00:11:10,538
I dropped a pin, and
he's brought us some soup.
256
00:11:10,569 --> 00:11:12,956
Erm... that's your boyfriend?
257
00:11:13,097 --> 00:11:14,994
What escort agency is he with?
258
00:11:15,101 --> 00:11:16,423
What does he think we do?
259
00:11:16,458 --> 00:11:18,774
TV licence inspectors.
260
00:11:18,930 --> 00:11:20,187
That's not even a thing anymore.
261
00:11:20,202 --> 00:11:22,054
You might as well have
said we're chimney sweeps.
262
00:11:22,105 --> 00:11:23,492
What do you tell Joao?
263
00:11:23,553 --> 00:11:26,234
- He's never really asked.
- Does Colin charge by the hour?
264
00:11:26,295 --> 00:11:28,126
Will you shut up? Or I'll kill you.
265
00:11:28,162 --> 00:11:29,504
You won't get the password.
266
00:11:29,524 --> 00:11:32,270
Fine. I'll wee in a bath
every day and drown you in it.
267
00:11:32,517 --> 00:11:34,752
I've got a client who'd
pay a lot of money for that.
268
00:11:34,808 --> 00:11:37,240
The soup is gonna be cold.
269
00:11:37,648 --> 00:11:39,687
- So let's deal with this.
- Hey, babe.
270
00:11:39,753 --> 00:11:41,128
Hi.
271
00:11:42,755 --> 00:11:43,966
Sorry I'm late.
272
00:11:43,986 --> 00:11:46,232
The orphanage is really
understaffed the moment,
273
00:11:46,247 --> 00:11:48,271
- so it was tough to get away.
- Whatever.
274
00:11:48,639 --> 00:11:50,728
- You must be Fran.
- Hi.
275
00:11:50,763 --> 00:11:53,503
Did you say you
worked... in an orphanage?
276
00:11:53,549 --> 00:11:54,848
Volunteer.
277
00:11:54,928 --> 00:11:56,702
My day job is swimwear modelling,
278
00:11:56,728 --> 00:11:58,634
but that's just to
put bread on the table.
279
00:11:58,730 --> 00:12:02,061
My true passion has always been
my work with disadvantaged kids.
280
00:12:02,091 --> 00:12:03,883
Do you do couples?
281
00:12:04,438 --> 00:12:06,270
- Who's that?
- TV licence dodger.
282
00:12:06,471 --> 00:12:07,747
You put them in the van with you?
283
00:12:07,762 --> 00:12:10,553
Well, it's the only way those
cheating bastards will learn.
284
00:12:10,653 --> 00:12:11,733
Yes.
285
00:12:12,066 --> 00:12:13,565
- Thank you.
- No worries.
286
00:12:13,611 --> 00:12:15,336
It was worth it just to see you.
287
00:12:15,387 --> 00:12:17,219
Listen, Jamie...
288
00:12:17,568 --> 00:12:19,428
- Now what?
- I was thinking a lot about,
289
00:12:19,449 --> 00:12:21,174
you know, the other night.
290
00:12:21,346 --> 00:12:23,385
I can get into the naughty nurse thing,
291
00:12:23,411 --> 00:12:24,924
as long as we make it clear
292
00:12:24,929 --> 00:12:27,059
that I'm only naughty in my own time.
293
00:12:28,835 --> 00:12:30,541
What about the croutons?
294
00:12:30,657 --> 00:12:33,330
Just leave them outside. Cheers.
295
00:12:35,008 --> 00:12:37,422
You know, I usually use Omega Escorts,
296
00:12:37,448 --> 00:12:40,568
but the last one they sent
me was such a let-down.
297
00:12:40,571 --> 00:12:42,650
Six-foot seven, completely hairless
298
00:12:42,688 --> 00:12:44,537
and hung like a frightened lab rat.
299
00:12:44,638 --> 00:12:46,918
God, he's such a dork.
300
00:12:50,511 --> 00:12:52,887
That's it. Off you fuck.
301
00:12:53,154 --> 00:12:56,168
(GROANS) Vegetable soup!
302
00:12:56,612 --> 00:12:58,353
Classic Colin.
303
00:12:58,568 --> 00:13:00,876
If you're not going to
eat it, can I have some?
304
00:13:00,911 --> 00:13:01,930
Sure.
305
00:13:01,976 --> 00:13:03,908
Whoa! Whoa, there.
306
00:13:04,029 --> 00:13:06,810
If she's that hungry, we can
maybe use it to break her.
307
00:13:07,612 --> 00:13:10,362
I'm not gonna get so
hungry in the next two hours
308
00:13:10,368 --> 00:13:13,626
that I give up millions of
pounds. I'm not a cartoon bear!
309
00:13:13,652 --> 00:13:15,155
All right, fine.
310
00:13:21,831 --> 00:13:23,368
It's quite nice, actually.
311
00:13:25,313 --> 00:13:27,690
- God. What a fuck-up.
- I know, right?
312
00:13:27,691 --> 00:13:30,470
Vegetable soup. He is such a tit.
313
00:13:30,541 --> 00:13:32,489
No... Oh, forget it.
314
00:13:33,705 --> 00:13:35,178
Hang on, what's in that?
315
00:13:35,996 --> 00:13:38,448
Ooh, er... onions...
316
00:13:38,528 --> 00:13:40,806
celery, soy sauce...
317
00:13:40,847 --> 00:13:44,066
Soy sauce? Shitting hell! I
am seriously allergic to soy!
318
00:13:44,088 --> 00:13:45,625
You have to get me to a hospital.
319
00:13:45,648 --> 00:13:48,436
- Oh, nice try.
- No, I'm not fucking around!
320
00:13:48,448 --> 00:13:50,142
Bullshit!
321
00:13:50,258 --> 00:13:52,543
(PANTING, GROANING)
322
00:13:53,003 --> 00:13:55,238
- (WHEEZING)
- Oh, God! Stay with us,
323
00:13:55,248 --> 00:13:57,045
you horrid, fancy cow!
324
00:13:57,181 --> 00:13:59,796
Oh, God, she's passing out!
No, we need to keep alive
325
00:13:59,808 --> 00:14:01,491
until she gives us the password.
326
00:14:02,662 --> 00:14:05,498
- What do you do with allergic reactions?
- I don't know.
327
00:14:05,528 --> 00:14:07,027
How about a YouTube tutorial?
328
00:14:07,048 --> 00:14:08,526
That's a great idea. Look it up.
329
00:14:08,813 --> 00:14:10,741
Breathe. Breathe.
330
00:14:10,756 --> 00:14:12,260
- First aid.
- Yeah.
331
00:14:12,331 --> 00:14:13,769
- Allergic reaction.
- Great!
332
00:14:13,981 --> 00:14:16,312
- I know what you're thinking...
- Skip the ad!
333
00:14:16,332 --> 00:14:18,502
- How do I skip it?
- Skip ad"! Four seconds.
334
00:14:19,102 --> 00:14:21,777
- Bottom right!
- There's no skip... Got it!
335
00:14:21,787 --> 00:14:25,779
MAN: Hello, and welcome
to Emergency Room For You.
336
00:14:26,369 --> 00:14:28,518
- (GROANING)
- In this three-hour tutorial...
337
00:14:28,861 --> 00:14:31,954
For fuck sake! Maybe we
should take her to hospital.
338
00:14:31,968 --> 00:14:35,017
- No, it's too risky.
- Who else is gonna help us with this?
339
00:14:35,254 --> 00:14:37,887
- ... dairy, shellfish...
- No!
340
00:14:37,938 --> 00:14:41,060
- I am not calling Liz and Charles.
- Do we have a choice?
341
00:14:43,135 --> 00:14:46,661
LIZ: Calling Mr K's A-team
to mop up your mess again?
342
00:14:46,705 --> 00:14:48,008
So pathetic.
343
00:14:48,088 --> 00:14:51,185
Setting up all this shit just
so you have an excuse to see me.
344
00:14:51,200 --> 00:14:53,410
In my dreams. Er, your
dreams. WHISPERING: Fuck sake!
345
00:14:53,430 --> 00:14:56,291
There we go. She should
be absolutely fine.
346
00:14:57,728 --> 00:14:59,208
You skip lunch?
347
00:14:59,711 --> 00:15:01,808
Cos you got some hungry eyes, girl.
348
00:15:04,928 --> 00:15:06,801
Thanks, Charles. You're a lifesaver.
349
00:15:06,808 --> 00:15:08,445
Oh, no, honestly, it's been an honour.
350
00:15:08,466 --> 00:15:11,881
It's been really lovely to flex
the old medical muscles again.
351
00:15:11,977 --> 00:15:14,807
Reminds me of my time when I
was an Army nurse in Helmand.
352
00:15:14,838 --> 00:15:16,457
Good times. Can't go back.
353
00:15:16,558 --> 00:15:19,187
Literally. We left it
in an absolute mess.
354
00:15:19,208 --> 00:15:21,570
Come on, Charles! We got
better things to do than...
355
00:15:21,630 --> 00:15:23,149
bail out these assholes.
356
00:15:23,164 --> 00:15:26,106
Well, if Mr K loses all his
money, you'll be out of job.
357
00:15:26,232 --> 00:15:28,714
Anyway, why are you all
dressed up in that sexy outfit?
358
00:15:28,728 --> 00:15:31,167
I mean, not that I find
it sexy. Not my bag at all.
359
00:15:31,182 --> 00:15:32,944
Don't like it. Can't look at it. Urgh.
360
00:15:32,974 --> 00:15:34,932
We're infiltrating a sex party.
361
00:15:34,987 --> 00:15:36,431
Billionaire Russian pervs.
362
00:15:36,436 --> 00:15:37,809
Why don't we get jobs like that?
363
00:15:37,848 --> 00:15:39,388
Yeah, well, no offence,
364
00:15:39,413 --> 00:15:43,536
but you're less high-end sex
party, more Warhammer convention.
365
00:15:44,157 --> 00:15:47,008
Righty-ho, keep her
off anything soy-based.
366
00:15:47,128 --> 00:15:49,008
She was very lucky this time.
367
00:15:50,166 --> 00:15:52,573
Charles, we couldn't
borrow that stuff, could we?
368
00:15:52,901 --> 00:15:54,823
Yeah, sure. Why not?
369
00:15:55,066 --> 00:15:56,267
Thanks.
370
00:15:56,648 --> 00:15:59,168
Charles, are they really
gonna let you in wearing that?
371
00:15:59,197 --> 00:16:01,043
Me? Oh, I'm actually not going in.
372
00:16:01,074 --> 00:16:03,243
I'm gonna be in the
car park. Liz's orders.
373
00:16:03,258 --> 00:16:04,746
So why are you wearing that?
374
00:16:06,093 --> 00:16:08,768
- Just feels nice.
- Fuck sake, Charles! Let's go!
375
00:16:08,848 --> 00:16:11,150
- OK.
- (GROANING)
376
00:16:11,368 --> 00:16:13,528
Why did you keep
talking to those idiots?
377
00:16:13,572 --> 00:16:15,737
I was boiling in there
with his goddamn thing on.
378
00:16:15,762 --> 00:16:18,366
My body's slicker than a
fucking sea otter right now!
379
00:16:18,412 --> 00:16:19,800
Other side.
380
00:16:20,208 --> 00:16:23,196
- Give us the password.
- No.
381
00:16:23,694 --> 00:16:26,407
All right. Jamie, what have we got?
382
00:16:26,501 --> 00:16:29,302
Ooh, I've got tofu, edamame beans,
383
00:16:29,315 --> 00:16:30,993
miso dressing, Taste The Difference.
384
00:16:31,062 --> 00:16:32,848
Flumps, some teriyaki...
385
00:16:32,888 --> 00:16:34,088
Sorry, Flumps?
386
00:16:34,122 --> 00:16:35,488
- Do they have soy in them?
- No.
387
00:16:35,549 --> 00:16:37,144
Sorry, I got those for me.
388
00:16:37,154 --> 00:16:40,035
You can't kill me. We
both know you're bluffing.
389
00:16:40,061 --> 00:16:42,926
You're right, I can't kill
you, but what I can do...
390
00:16:42,972 --> 00:16:45,772
is just take you to the very brink...
391
00:16:45,828 --> 00:16:49,420
again and again and again,
and then just bring you back.
392
00:16:49,516 --> 00:16:52,971
Anyway, Jamie, I think
I'd like to start with the
393
00:16:53,224 --> 00:16:55,464
salmon teriyaki, please.
394
00:16:56,779 --> 00:16:59,801
- Shouldn't we start small?
- Oh, I'm done fucking around.
395
00:17:00,608 --> 00:17:01,968
Let us commence.
396
00:17:03,048 --> 00:17:04,808
(SNIFFS)
397
00:17:04,888 --> 00:17:06,170
Mmm.
398
00:17:08,567 --> 00:17:11,645
Oh, fine, fine, fine!
399
00:17:11,848 --> 00:17:14,097
I'll give you the password.
400
00:17:15,288 --> 00:17:18,189
It's encrypted so you
need to take to my office.
401
00:17:19,328 --> 00:17:22,433
Now get that sushi out of my face!
402
00:17:28,292 --> 00:17:30,088
- (KEYS TAPPING)
- How long's this gonna take?
403
00:17:30,168 --> 00:17:32,247
I'm going as fast as I can.
404
00:17:32,248 --> 00:17:34,307
There's a very complex security system.
405
00:17:34,328 --> 00:17:35,848
This isn't Pigeon Canyon.
406
00:17:35,928 --> 00:17:39,608
- What's Pigeon Canyon?
- It's an online game for children.
407
00:17:39,688 --> 00:17:41,209
My stepson got kicked off it
408
00:17:41,210 --> 00:17:43,146
for using it as a
platform to sell Ecstasy.
409
00:17:43,168 --> 00:17:45,368
- Oh, is this him?
- Please don't touch that.
410
00:17:45,537 --> 00:17:47,823
- It's very precious.
- See? You love him really.
411
00:17:47,848 --> 00:17:50,099
No, I loathe him but
the frame is a Lalique.
412
00:17:50,128 --> 00:17:51,699
(PHONE CHIMES)
413
00:17:52,602 --> 00:17:54,191
Oh, God, it's Joao.
414
00:17:54,499 --> 00:17:57,007
"My heart is chock-a-block with sorry."
415
00:17:57,008 --> 00:17:59,050
He's using some rubbish
new translation app.
416
00:17:59,090 --> 00:18:01,846
Erm, "Cock-A-Hoop is a no-go-go-go,
417
00:18:01,851 --> 00:18:04,253
but I will promise I
will find wet assets."
418
00:18:04,263 --> 00:18:06,489
I presume he means
"liquid". There's a...
419
00:18:06,519 --> 00:18:08,248
Hang on, there's a link to a page.
420
00:18:08,285 --> 00:18:09,647
See? He's not all bad.
421
00:18:09,657 --> 00:18:12,851
Mate, I was too quick to judge
him. It's an eBay page. Hang on.
422
00:18:14,288 --> 00:18:15,344
What... ?
423
00:18:15,409 --> 00:18:17,930
Hang on, he's selling
all my stuff online.
424
00:18:17,931 --> 00:18:19,451
Look, those are my shoes.
425
00:18:19,521 --> 00:18:21,464
My laptop's selling for a tenner.
426
00:18:21,655 --> 00:18:24,526
You are not bidding on my laptop, Jamie.
427
00:18:25,048 --> 00:18:26,888
(DOOR HANDLE RATTLING)
428
00:18:27,266 --> 00:18:29,088
Who the fuck is that?
429
00:18:29,744 --> 00:18:33,831
Oh! The cavalry's here.
Told you I had people!
430
00:18:40,663 --> 00:18:42,732
Get down. Get down.
431
00:18:45,062 --> 00:18:47,035
- Where's your gun?
- It's in the van.
432
00:18:47,055 --> 00:18:48,528
Well, why would you do that?
433
00:18:48,608 --> 00:18:50,935
- This was our weapon of choice.
- Oh, don't be ridic..
434
00:18:51,465 --> 00:18:52,928
No! (GRUNTING)
435
00:19:00,168 --> 00:19:02,513
- I'm over he...
- (MUFFLED SCREAMS)
436
00:19:03,276 --> 00:19:05,711
Ow! You bit me, you bitch!
437
00:19:05,728 --> 00:19:08,170
Is that teriyaki on your hand?
438
00:19:10,989 --> 00:19:12,686
Gimme the injection!
439
00:19:12,812 --> 00:19:14,208
Yeah?
440
00:19:14,351 --> 00:19:15,777
Oi!
441
00:19:16,048 --> 00:19:18,048
(YELLS)
442
00:19:18,073 --> 00:19:21,782
What are you doing, Brian?
You nearly bloody killed me!
443
00:19:21,814 --> 00:19:24,639
- Fran, get the gun!
- What do you think I'm trying to do?
444
00:19:32,605 --> 00:19:34,107
Oh, fuck.
445
00:19:34,201 --> 00:19:35,968
(WHEEZING)
446
00:19:36,048 --> 00:19:37,328
Come here!
447
00:19:37,408 --> 00:19:39,584
(YELLS) (GRUNTS)
448
00:19:40,007 --> 00:19:42,410
Shit! Oh, fuck!
449
00:19:44,447 --> 00:19:46,722
(YELLS) (GRUNTS)
450
00:19:47,248 --> 00:19:49,226
(SPLUTTERING)
451
00:19:49,547 --> 00:19:51,488
(FIRE EXTINGUISHER CLANGS)
452
00:19:51,568 --> 00:19:54,248
(GROANING, GARGLING)
453
00:19:55,956 --> 00:19:57,928
(BODY THUDS)
454
00:20:00,655 --> 00:20:02,928
Well, your cavalry's dead.
455
00:20:04,275 --> 00:20:06,288
(LABOURED BREATHING)
456
00:20:06,331 --> 00:20:08,747
WEAKLY: Help me. Please.
457
00:20:08,768 --> 00:20:11,688
- Only if you give us what we need.
- You'll just kill me.
458
00:20:11,768 --> 00:20:13,995
You're gonna die anyway.
459
00:20:14,001 --> 00:20:15,283
If you give us the password,
460
00:20:15,288 --> 00:20:17,648
there's a small chance
Mr K might let you live.
461
00:20:18,928 --> 00:20:20,448
(FRUSTRATED YELL)
462
00:20:20,528 --> 00:20:23,048
(KEYS TAPPING)
463
00:20:25,072 --> 00:20:26,233
Yep.
464
00:20:26,379 --> 00:20:27,878
She's doing it now.
465
00:20:30,729 --> 00:20:32,187
- _
- It's gone.
466
00:20:33,378 --> 00:20:34,806
Have you got it?
467
00:20:36,542 --> 00:20:37,728
Great.
468
00:20:38,490 --> 00:20:40,559
OK, what do you want us to do with her?
469
00:20:43,623 --> 00:20:44,905
OK.
470
00:20:46,888 --> 00:20:49,224
- (COCKS GUN)
- No, hang on. You said...
471
00:20:49,290 --> 00:20:51,556
I did say it was a very small chance.
472
00:20:51,568 --> 00:20:53,554
- No, no, no, no, no!
- Yes!
473
00:20:53,568 --> 00:20:54,808
What?
474
00:20:55,678 --> 00:20:57,616
You've just bought my
laptop, haven't you?
475
00:20:57,648 --> 00:20:59,089
Mate, it was real bargain.
476
00:20:59,109 --> 00:21:00,669
- (FRUSTRATED YELL)
- (GUNSHOT)
477
00:21:00,987 --> 00:21:03,328
[JESSIE J, ARIANA GRANDE,
NICKI MINAJ: BANG BANG]
478
00:21:05,568 --> 00:21:08,237
I'm thinking I'm finally
ready to have a baby, Fran.
479
00:21:18,122 --> 00:21:20,842
- It's fresh...
- Why did you just lick that poo?
480
00:21:20,878 --> 00:21:22,160
I don't know.
481
00:21:29,608 --> 00:21:31,041
Why have you got an egg on your head?
482
00:21:31,062 --> 00:21:33,524
It's a responsibility exercise,
I'm thinking of having a kid.
483
00:21:39,048 --> 00:21:40,436
Any funny business...
484
00:21:42,693 --> 00:21:43,808
Right.
485
00:21:44,308 --> 00:21:49,308
- Synced and corrected by chamallow -
- www.addic7ed.com -