(birds chirping)
- [Voiceover] Mommy's here now.
This will all be over in two shakes of a lamb's tail.
(brooding music)
Mr. K can send as many (shotgun racking)
dollies as he likes.
I'll fix them all.
(shotgun booming)
- [Radio DJ] Yeah, that was "Signed, Sealed, Delivered"
by Stevie Wonder.
Okay, this next one is going out to Fran and Jamie.
- [Jamie] Oh my god, they're playing my request.
- (sighing) Go on.
Turn it up.
- [Radio DJ] The two of them are off
to bonnie Scotland to take someone out.
Well, whatever you've got planned for them,
I'm sure they'll enjoy it.
- What a road trip.
* We're goin' up the country,
* Baby, don't you wanna go
- Just a couple of hot babes cutting loose,
letting the road take us where so e're it will.
- Let's stay sharp today, Jamie.
This target used to work for Mr. K.
- [Fran] Before she went completely insane.
- Oh my god.
Is it Annie Maddox?
- Yup.
- She wiped out an entire family
by drilling holes in their heads.
- Wasn't just the family, mate.
She wiped out the family, the pets,
the neighbors, and some poor guy
parked in a Mr. Whippy van outside.
Mr. K says we've got to deal with it
before she goes even more rogue.
(phone dinging)
I gave you my phone so that you can give me directions.
What are you doing?
- Nothing.
(phone dinging)
- [Jamie] Uh, Fran.
- Mm hm?
- Don't be cross,
but I might have signed you up to a dating app.
- What?
- Schwow is out of your life.
You're single.
You've gotta get back in there.
Apps are the way forward.
I'm on one.
I've talked to three guys already.
- I thought you were with Colin?
- Oh, I gave him the boot.
(phone dinging)
You're gonna really like this, Fran.
I did you an amazing profile.
There's a bunch of people already interested.
- Yeah, well I bet they're all weirdos.
- Somebody did send a picture of a grave
with your name on it,
but there are a couple of really, really cool people.
You might want to look at this.
She loves climbing and animals.
- No, you should delete the app.
- Well then how are you gonna know
if she's responded to your message?
- Have you messaged her?
- Well yeah.
Just put, "Hey."
And I also sent her a picture of you
dressed as the tin man of pride.
- Why would you do that?
Why would you send that picture?
(engine knocking)
When you went to the garage,
did you fill up with petrol
or diesel?
- Yup.
Now I couldn't remember what you'd said,
so I put in half and half.
(engine cranking)
- [Fran] It's not a fucking shandy, Jamie!
Nah, there's nothing.
Nothing.
- Should I call the AA?
- How you gonna explain all this?
- Is it that bad?
Oh, yeah.
- [Fran] (sighing)
- Do you wanna call them or shall I?
- Oh for fu--
(gravel crunching)
- [Liz] You just can't get enough of me, can you?
- [Charles] Hi, There, Guys!
Charles-- - Shut up, Charles!
So you had to call the competition
to bail your asses out again.
- Yeah, we just need dropping at the station,
and we can get on with our job.
- Sure.
We could do that.
Or we could drive you all the way there,
split the hit 50-50.
I hear you got Annie Maddox.
She's worth big money.
- Nope.
- Suit yourself.
(engine starting)
- Okay, um.
80-20.
- Deal! - Ignore him.
He's an idiot.
Good luck explaining this to Mr. K.
- Okay, 50-50.
40-60?
- Welcome to the fast lane, bitch.
(upbeat music)
- Few ground rules.
No chewing gum.
I just had the seats reupholstered.
No crying.
You need to cry,
do it outside the van.
Most importantly,
nobody touches the tech but me.
It's military grade
and finely-tuned to respond to my voice.
And my voice alone.
- [Robot] Ordering "Home Alone."
- Oh, obviously not!
Fucking thing's been acting up.
If you give me the target's address,
I'll plug it into the GPS.
- Yeah, but the thing is
if I gave you the location,
you'd just sling us out and take the job yourself
so I will direct you.
- Wow.
So this whole super uptight thing isn't just an act.
This should be fun.
- [Jamie] Your van is so much cooler than ours.
You've got carpet, phone charger,
bean bag back there.
Gun rack.
- Yup.
- Is that an espresso machine?
- It is indeed.
Well spotted.
I'm actually not allowed to use that.
Liz said so because I get quite gassy.
Yeah.
One Vanilio capsule and my asshole is in tatters.
(phone dinging)
- Oh my god, she messaged you back.
- Who?
- (whispering) Jamie.
Nobody.
It's nobody.
- Fran's Visa marriage just collapsed
so she signed up to a dating app,
and a really cute woman's messaging her.
- This should be fun.
What'd she say?
- Well that's none of your business.
- Okay.
New ground rule.
Everyone has to read out their messages.
- Your application for an overdraft has been denied.
- Not you, Charles!
- We're not messaging actually.
We're emoji-ing.
Gotta get with the kids.
And she sent me a thumbs up,
which is massive in my community.
- What a dick.
- [Jamie] You are so in there.
- Do you think?
- Definitely.
(phone dinging)
- What are you up to this weekend?
My flatmate is away
so I'm home alone.
- [Robot] Ordering "Home Alone."
- Jesus Christ!
Not again!
- Okay, guys.
Can I just say something?
I know Liz really well,
and I know she's getting really worked up,
so can everyone please not even say anything
that remotely sounds a bit like "Home Alone?"
- [Robot] Ordering "Home Alone."
- What the fuck!
- Can we pull over?
I think I might need another cry.
- Fuck my life.
(upbeat music)
- So I heard Annie Maddox
is holed up in an old school or something.
- Maybe.
- Guess she really lost it, huh?
Can you at least tell me how much further till I turn off?
- No way.
Just stay on the road until I tell you to come off.
- (coughing) Uptight.
- So this is your area of the van, I'm guessing.
- Yes, this is my man cave, if you will.
(laughing)
No, it's really lovely.
Liz even let me put up some of these pictures
that I've done here.
Can you see?
- [Jamie] Oh yeah.
Now who are those people?
- These guys are famous impressionists.
- [Jamie] Oh yeah?
- And heroes of mine.
I used to be actually quite involved
in the whole impression game myself.
I used to be pretty handy.
(laughing)
- Wow.
- Yeah, we used to have a monthly comedy night
back in Hellman,
when I was there as an Army nurse.
We used to call it Laugh-ganistan.
Laugh--
- Oh!
- Laugh-ganistan.
Play on words.
- That's good.
- Bit of play on words, yeah.
No, I seriously considered going pro actually
until Liz kind of reminded me,
"Look, you haven't got the talent,
you haven't got he ability..."
- The charisma.
She kinda just made me realize
that your dreams are just a waste of time.
- Right.
- Yeah.
- What's up?
- Well, we were just like emoji-ing,
and it was all going really well,
and then suddenly she just left the chat.
- Ouch.
What'd you send her?
- I mean, just the usual,
to be honest.
I did a fox, horse, fox, fox, fox, horse, unicorn.
- You sent the unicorn?
- Yeah.
- [Liz] Do you know what that means?
- Charles, come on. - Please, Jamie, I'm rusty.
- Just one.
Go on.
Just one.
- No, I'm shy.
I'm shy.
Shy boy.
- Okay.
Right.
I'll do one.
- Okay.
I'm E.T.
- Is...is it E.T?
- Yes.
- Oh, good.
I don't think E.T. ever says, "I'm E.T."
It was more kind of a (making strange noises).
- Oh, Charles, that is brilliant.
- Thank you.
- Is that one of your...yeah.
- It's one of those classics, yeah.
I'm famous for that one.
- I'd love to be able to do that.
- E.T. phone home.
- [Robot] Ordering "Home Alone."
- What the fuck, Charles!
- Sorry.
(upbeat music)
- [Liz] We'll stay here for the night.
We need to be fresh if we're gonna take Annie down.
Charles, let's check and see if they have any rooms.
- [Charles] Okay, cool.
Now or--
- Ándale!
- Yes, Mamacita!
- How is going up here?
- Well, my dating technique
can best be described as chilling.
- I meant with Liz.
I saw you guys,
chatting away.
- What?
- There's more than a whiff of chemistry, mate.
- I have not seen one single sign that she is into it.
- I got us a room.
- What?
- The four of us.
- Yeah, I mean, obviously.
All of us.
- They only had one left so.
- Well that makes sense.
Yeah.
- [Liz] Get your stuff.
- Yeah, I'll (clearing throat) see you in there.
- [Jamie] You look like you're gonna be
comfy down there tonight, Charles.
- That's good actually.
(grunting)
Right, yeah.
It's nice in here, isn't it?
- [Jamie] Yeah. - [Fran] Mm hm.
- Not sleeping on the bed?
- Oh, well basically me and Liz have this arrangement
where I let her sleep on the bed,
and in turn, she lets me sleep on the floor.
- [Liz] And you're welcome.
- Thank you.
I appreciate it.
It's lovely.
- Nice jim-jams, Charles.
- Oh, thank you very much.
They're paisley.
- You wanna take a picture, Fran?
- Yeah, actually I was taking in
the tea and coffee-making facilities.
Yup.
(knocking on door)
- [Liz] It's just one of our weapons guys.
We're running low on ammo.
- [Weapons Guy] I'm so sorry I'm late.
Drove as fast as I could.
I've got Ofsted in the morrow.
Day job's an absolute 'mare.
Forgot I had that in there.
That will auggie.
Not be needing a grenade.
Right.
Just the two boxes of the 9 mills then, is it?
- [Liz] Thank you.
Goodbye.
- Right.
While I've got ya,
can I interest you in anything else?
I've got a silencer.
Got an Uzi.
I have a mini-Uzi.
I've got an... Michelle Gordan's homework.
Fuck.
And the piece de resistance,
some weed brownies.
- Oh, dealing drugs now as well, are you?
- You try keeping up with child support
on a teacher's salary, pal.
- I love brownies.
- [Liz] Might be nice.
Help you chill the fuck out, Fran.
- Uh, I am actually super chilled.
- You spent most of the day harassing a climbing instructor.
- Did I harass the climbing instructor?
- You remember Sister May.
- Really sorry,
but could you just get off my bed?
- And there was Allison and Stella,
and they both left me,
and then there was the florist who went off
with he sperm that actually I had paid for
and now the Schwow is a really nice Brazillian breaster.
I tried to take of her
and he moved into my flat
and claimed of course his rights and evicted me
and now my credit card statement
literally looks like Ru Paul's wedding nest.
Can anyone else see that magical wizard?
- It's a good bake.
- I feel nothing.
- My love life's been pretty dormant since Aggie died.
- Oh, your partner's died.
I'm so sorry.
- Yeah.
Right before her 90th birthday as well.
- She was 90?
- Yeah, I like a mature woman.
Great memories with her though.
I used to wheel her out into the sun,
and sometimes her eyes would open.
- And?
- No, that's it.
The eyes would open.
(snoring)
(mellow music)
(grunting)
- [Fran] Well he's out cold.
- Hey, for what it's worth,
I'm sorry about your divorce.
That sucks.
- Yeah.
It was just nice having somebody in the phone really.
I think.
Well to be honest,
Schwow never answered my calls, so.
- This job gets pretty lonely.
Honestly, sometimes I feel
like I'm just one bad day away from doing something
really crazy like blowing up a zoo or becoming a Christian.
- Will you go for a drink with me?
- Sure.
Why not?
- Really?
- No!
- Oh fuck.
- Serious.
Fran, I'm fucking with you.
Of course I'll get that drink with you.
- Why do you have to be such a monumental dick all the time?
- It's just my way.
Let me give you my personal number.
- Oh, here.
- Let me drop you a line some time.
(man moaning)
- [Fran] Oh, fuck.
I've gotta go.
- Great.
Big day tomorrow.
(phone buzzing)
- Mr. K?
Hi.
Yeah, no, we are just approaching the target right now.
Jamie.
Liz and Charles have gone.
Mr. K, hi.
I'm so sorry.
I'm just having-- breaking up.
They are making our job,
they're making our job.
- [Jamie] Liz and Charles.
They're actually (mumbles)
- [Fran] This is my fault.
She asked for my phone,
and I gave it to her because I thought she meant it.
She said she was putting her personal number in it,
and she lied.
She was getting the location.
- Liz gave you her personal number.
Nice one, Fran.
- Now's not the time, Jamie.
- What time is it?
- Mate, I need to borrow your car.
- What?
No way.
I've got Ofsted this morning.
Not in the car.
- Yeah, it is gonna happen,
and Ofsted's pointless,
and I don't really care about it all so.
- No way--
- Nice one, Fran.
- Again, I will leave you hanging.
We don't have time.
(upbeat music)
- [Jamie] Blimey.
Is this where she's holed up?
- [Fran] Something's not right.
- Probably best sleep that off, mate.
- [Fran] Someone's trashed their van.
- [Jamie] Try phoning them.
- [Fran] I don't have any reception.
(creepy music)
(water dripping)
- What's that?
- Wow.
Those weed brownies have hit Liz and Charles pretty hard.
- [Fran] I don't think this dolly tea party was their idea.
- [Jamie] Annie's off her rocker.
- Just keep your eyes peeled.
- [Annie] Cooey!
(shotgun racking)
- Here you go, puppet.
- This is boiling.
- [Annie] Drink it.
- [Fran] It's boiling, it's boiling!
- Don't be silly.
Watch Mommy.
Now then, who's for more cake?
I said who's for more cake!
(group agreeing)
- I hate to be difficult,
but have you got a gluten-free option?
It's just that my stomach is--
- [Liz] Awesome job rescuing us.
Don't know what we'd do without you.
- If you hadn't double-crossed us,
we wouldn't be in this mess, would we?
I cannot believe that you pretended to like me
just so you could get the hit.
- Oh don't cry, Fran.
You'll ruin your makeup.
- I think I've shat myself honestly.
It's the gluten.
It goes right through me--
- I said shut up!
This always happens.
Dollies never do what Mommy says.
I'll just have to fix you all, won't I?
(fast music)
(screaming)
(clearing throat)
- I'm so sorry to disturb you.
If I could just grab my car keys,
and I'll be on my way.
(screaming)
- Oh, dear.
Battery must've died.
Back in a tick.
- Well that's my career up in smoke.
Visitation rights as well,
thanks a lot.
- Found it.
- For fuck's sake.
One of us must have something we can use.
- Did I know I was coming to Satan's tea party?
No.
Oh, the grenade.
The grenade.
It's still in me pocket from last night.
- Get it.
- I'm tied up.
Will someone else pull the pin?
My hands tied to the fucking chair.
- [Jamie] Fran's out.
She can pull it.
- So you need to grab it under your chin,
and you need to pass it down the line as quick as you can.
- It's like pass the orange.
I love pass the orange.
- [Liz] Fran?
- [Fran] Yeah.
- You can use your hands.
- I did know that.
(thudding)
- Oh shit.
Was it gone?
I've got it.
Now!
(dramatic music)
(screaming)
(explosion booming)
- Okay, that's Mommy all bagged up.
A shame, really.
If she wasn't a sociopath,
she would be really lovely, you know?
- Look, Charles and I really appreciate
you guys helping us out.
We know you didn't have to do that.
- Yeah, well, listen,
I know you would've done the same for us, so.
- Hundred percent.
You know what?
Come on.
Bring it in, guys.
No?
Okay, no worries.
- We should probably pack this all up.
- Hey.
You've done enough.
We'll pack.
You drive.
Ándele!
- Yup.
Thanks again, guys.
Keep in touch.
- I mean, I know we complain a lot about them,
but they're actually all right, mate, you know.
- Do you know what?
You had it right all along,
and I didn't believe you.
But actually, they're decent.
Do you think they could ever be--
(car starting)
Unbefuckinglievable.
- I'll let Mr. K know Charles and I got the job done.
Nothing personal.
Just business.
Let me know about that drink, Fran!
- Sure, yeah.
- Kids.
Jobs.
Car.
Would you like me clothes as well?
- Yup.
If it gets cold on the walk,
I might just take them.
- Phone an Uber.
- No reception.
- Oh, there's no reception.
I'm starving.
Can we at least order a pizza or something?
- [Fran] Again, no reception.
- [Jamie] Not even a small one?
- [Fran] The size of the pizza's not the issue.
(funky music)