Good evening. This is MayKay Bueller reporting live
from outside the Greenpoint Mall,
where hours from now it's gonna be exploded
into itty-bitty smithereens.
Oooweee.
Built way back in, oooweee, 1994,
the mall's design boasted state-of-the-art
triangles and squiggles.
Oooweee.
But it lost its mojo thanks to changing consumer habits
and countless dressing room camera scandals.
It finally closed in 2010.
Mayor Webb, are you all set for the big demolition?
You're just gonna get your mouth right up there
- on that squishy bulb. - We sure are.
This town loves a big explosion,
especially around Halloween.
Don't we, gang?
I really wish they wouldn't do this.
Oh, me neither. This mall was all our whorlds.
No, I mean them. Why are they sneaking in?
Wayne, we're not sneaking in. They invited us.
They're having a final mall walk for superfans of the mall.
And this whole place is a perfectly preserved
time capsule of America's most glorious disaster:
The early 2000s.
An era of fashion that was the most accessorized
but also, somehow, the least attractive
I know there will be something perfect
for my Halloween costume in there.
What is your Halloween costume?
Violet, I don't choose the costume. The costume chooses me.
Jenny, that flier doesn't make any sense.
If they're having an event here,
why does everything say "Danger, Stay Out"?
If it said "Come On In," I wouldn't want to go.
- Ooh, secret entrance. - Entrances should never be secret.
Oh, neat! Rats. I do not feel good about this.
That's odd, 'cause I've never felt better about
anything in my life.
sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~
- Yah! - Chaboogity boogity!
Wayne, I know that Mom screaming "Chaboogity boogity"
was way out of line, but also, you need to chill.
- It's the mannequins. - What?
Wayne's afraid of mannequins.
I'm just saying there are a million reasons
not to go in here right now. Starting with
- the fact that it's condemned. - It's mannequins.
- And we're trespassing. - Totally mannequins.
- And the ceiling is riddled with asbestos. - It's mannequins. Mannequins.
- And it's wired with a million pounds of explosives. - Mannequins. Mannequins.
- It's mannequins. - Okay, fine!
Like every right-thinking person in America,
I am wary of mannequins.
What are they? Are they alive or dead?
No one knows! But what we do know is that
they are extremely susceptible to being inhabited by spirits.
We all saw the movie "Mannequin."
I mean, that idea doesn't come from nowhere.
Oh, God. No... Oh, there's another one!
They're teaming up. One just touched my butt.
Get 'em off me. Please, God!
Good Lord.
Oh, my God, it clawed its way into my shirt!
Why isn't anyone helping me?
'Cause you're in zero danger?
Oh, come on, guys, everyone has phobias.
Don't make fun of Wayne's. Here, Wayne, I got you.
Come on, let's walk down this memory lane.
- Violet Elizabeth, look. - Oh, my God.
- It's retail Indiana Jones. - Peanut Shack.
Radio Shack. Popcorn Barn.
- Record Barn. - Dress Barn.
Hickory Farms.
Oh, I just love that they're calling it out...
that basically humans are just all consumer chattel.
Rainforest Café?
You kids are lucky if you get to see a Rainforest Café.
Sadly, these very important restaurants are disappearing
- before our very eyes. - It's a tragedy what's happening
to the Rainforest Cafés, y'all.
- Oh... mall... God. - Stunned silence.
Explain to me what I'm seeing right now
- before I pass out. - Oh, yeah. Your mom never told you?
She was the face of Greenpoint Mall.
Got discovered by a famous photographer.
God, we were so cool.
♪ Oh... ♪
Whasssuup?
Whasssuup?!
Young ladies, the samples are only for paying customers.
I'd like to see you try to get it off my face
and back into that tube, beeyach.
- Do it. Do it! - We're young and hot. Deal with it.
I'm only getting pennies down here.
There's no way we'll be able
to afford an albino snake with this BS.
All the big money's up top. Launch me!
♪ Fall out ♪
♪ I like it when you, uh, uh ♪
♪ Girl, baby, make it, uh, uh. ♪
Wow. I'm looking for the right girl.
I think I just found her.
Wait, so some 40-year-old guy
asked you to model for him, and you said yes?
Violet, come on, now.
If 40-year-old men stopped wanting to take pictures
of 15-year-old girls, there wouldn't even be models.
- Now, is that the world you want? - A hundred percent.
Well, this guy wasn't creepy.
He was legit. He had a business card.
He had disco lights in his Humvee, a pinky ring...
Okay, now I'm hearing it.
Did he make you jump in every shot?
He just liked when my volleyball skort flew up.
- Oh, yeah, now I'm really hearing it now. - But it all worked out.
I mean, girl, that picture is bangin'.
Here, let me get it for you.
Aw, hell no.
Someone donged it? No worries, girl.
Here, there's more posters over there.
Oh, damn, these are all donged up, too.
This one's got devil horns made of dongs.
This one's got a bouquet of dongs.
This one, the water skis are dongs.
I mean, I hate who did this, and I will kill them,
but this is some really solid dong work.
Who would do this? So rude.
How would anyone deface the queen of the mall?
I mean, I'm not bragging, I'm just saying
have some respect for the office.
Well, we've all had an experience here today.
Great fun, a lot of lessons.
Let's call it and head outside before we get blown up
- or assaulted by a mannequin. - Wayne, we got to find
- at least one dong-free picture of me. - Yep. And I'm here to get my loot on.
Mother, you already looted this place the week it closed.
Yeah, and I hid some stuff I couldn't carry.
It's time for me to claim
what is wrongfully mine.
Violet, it's calling to me.
Something's happening.
The spirit of early 2000s teen drama characters
- is washing over me. - Ooh, Dawson's Creek.
Felicity. The O.C.
The brooding, the drama,
the almost unbearable teen angst.
- Don't fight it, David. - I'm not David.
I'm Joshua Hartnett Arquette,
and it's 2002, and I'm the assistant manager
at Wet Seal... and I have a secret.
And I'm Britney Tree Hill.
I work at Wet Seal, too.
My dad owns this town, but he doesn't own me.
Boy, y'all are dead set on not having a third friend, huh?
Listen, Jenny, none of your mall friends showed up for this walk.
Probably because it's a terrible idea
- and this place is creepy as hell. - Hi.
Are you guys here for the mall walk, too?
Yes. See, Wayne, other people are starting to come in.
Hold the flip phone. Is that Jenny Hart,
the face of the Greenpoint Mall?
- And her intimidating friend Brenda? - You take that back.
Brenda, down! Yes, it is me.
I can't believe you recognized me.
I mean, my face is everywhere, but still...
Of course I recognize you.
- Don't you recognize me? - Yeah... yeah...
I totally remember you. You're...
- ...that girl... - Stacy.
- Stacy! Nailed it. - That's right. I'm so glad
I'm not the only one here.
I just love this mall.
You know, I used to work here. Right at that kiosk.
I was the very last one to close shop.
For a while it was just me and Sbarro,
and when they closed, this place was just
Stacy's mall!
Hmm.
I can bling your phones if you want.
Free bling? I'm not saying no to that.
Guys, I got a bad feeling about Stacy. No one else
is getting a mannequin-come-to-life vibe from this lady?
Okay, Wayne, just walk me through this,
because I feel your theories are always evolving.
Thank you for asking.
My working theory is she's a spirit with unfinished business
caught between realms who has commandeered
a mannequin as a vessel for the purpose of luring us here
and stealing our souls.
All done.
- These are off the hizzy. - Oh, I like that you kept it subtle.
See, Wayne, she's nice. She's a little eccentric, sure,
but she loves the mall, like us.
Look. Mall rats.
Get it?
I mean, rats, ew. Ugh.
I'm not friends with them. Get away, Nelly and Fat Joe.
Okay, maybe she's a little weird,
but the fun kind of weird, you know, like-like Bjork.
Bjork is not on a first-name basis with rats.
- Are we sure? - I'll just go wait in the car.
Sorry for my boyfriend.
Some people just aren't cut out for the mall.
Ew!
- Oh, these are dust. - Aah!
It's chained shut! Someone locked us in!
Oh, my God!
The monkey mannequins are activated!
Um, guys, this door was not chained when we walked in.
Wayne, maybe this is a different door.
No way. This is Stacy's doing.
If she had fingerprints, they'd be all over this.
- Wayne... - Come on, man.
She's not a mannequin. Wayne.
- Come on. - Wayne, come on.
They are not real.
- Whoopsie. - Oh!
Oh, my gosh, I am so sorry about that.
Dale must have locked all the security doors
because he's a security guard.
I guarantee you there is no Dale.
Hey, Dale, I think some visitors
accidentally got locked in. Can you open the north doors?
Oh, yeah.
Hmm, seems like Dale's real. And hilarious.
Oh, my God, Dale! Isn't he so funny?
- Full disclosure, we are dating. - There, Dale's on it.
Brenda, let's go find a non-donged poster of me.
Uh, y'all, can we stick together, please?
Ugh, I still haven't found my Halloween costume.
Betty, come on, you can't deny something's off about that lady.
- Help me find another exit. - Fine. I'm headed that way anyway.
Got to get over to the payphone graveyard
to unearth some of my stashed loot.
Good Lord, Betty, what could you have possibly
stored in here ten years ago
that would be worth anything now?
Oh, I don't know, why don't you ask
this portable DVD player how much it's worth.
Now all we got to do is find where I stashed
the cigarette lighter adapter.
# #
Oh, here's a good one.
Look closer. All your fingers got
a little surprise on the end.
Oh, come on. They did that on purpose
so we'd have to get up close.
- Penis-drawing butts. - I'll tell you one thing.
No one would have gotten away with this disrespect
- back in the day. - # #
Hey, it's the poster girl.
- Jenny, do the jump. - Brenda, launch me!
# #
Can I get a picture with you?
Sure.
Wait, there's a camera in your phone?
Point five megapixels, baby.
- That's poppin'. - Hey, shawty, can you style me your digits?
Dope fo-sho.
♪ One, two, three, uh ♪
♪ My baby don't mess around ♪
♪ Because she loves me so and this I don't know... ♪
Hey, Jenny, Brenda, lookin' good.
- How are the dogs today, Kelly? - On a stick.
Ooh, looking good, Glen.
- How's Monica? - In my rearview.
Call me.
Hoobastank CDs just for you two.
♪ For sticking to-together 'cause we don't know how ♪
- # Hey ya... # - It's on the mall.
Oh, Danny, what are you doing to us?
Oh, man, friggin' glory days.
Brenda, I'm having a weird thought,
and I need you to talk me out of this.
Were we kind of... stuck up?
Brenda?
Brenda?!
Oh, come on, y'all.
Come on, Betty, you already got a tape deck audio adapter,
seven PalmPilot replacement styluses,
and an inexplicably enormous CD tower.
What other forms of outdated technology
could you possibly need?
- We got to get out of here! - This is the mother lode.
It looks like a Corvette, but it actually rewinds VHS tapes.
Okay, we can go find your precious exit now.
Wait. Does this nameplate say Dale Everton?
# #
Hello? Hello...
Sir?
- Oh, my God! - Oh, my Lord, y'all.
Is there lipstick on that thing?
I was right! She was lying about Dale.
I knew she was no good. I'm calling Jenny.
Oh, my God, there's a Nerds candy rope
shoved in my SIM card slot.
- That's what she said? - Damn it, not now, Betty.
My phone's not even in here.
It's just costume gems and chains.
A blingy ball of junk, y'all.
Brenda, this isn't cute anymore. Where the hell are you?
Oh, my God, Wayne was right. Stacy is bad news.
Why is she so obsessed with me?
I got to warn Violet and David!
- Aah! - Aah!
This day could not get any worse.
I'm trying out for equestrian tomorrow,
but my nemesis Kimberly spooked my prize steed.
Looks like I'm gonna have to put down another horse.
God, I wish I could see that.
You're obviously invited, Joshua.
- Chill. You're on the list. - No, Britney.
I can't see it because... I'm blind.
But you drove us here.
- On pure instinct. - Hang on, what's this?
Don't open it, it's my mother's eating disorder diary.
No, David, I'm serious. What the hell is this?
It looks like the walkie-talkie Stacy had.
Oh, yeah!
Oh, my God. This means there's no Dale.
David.
- Aah! - Oh, yeah!
- Jenny, Jenny... - I already know. Lacy's bad.
It's Stacy, and she's a mannequin.
And her boyfriend is, too. Tell her, Betty.
- Betty? - Oh, my God. Mother?
I got kidnapped, too, you dummy!
♪ I'm like a bird ♪
♪ I'll only fly away ♪
- # I don't know where my soul is #
♪ I don't know where my home is. ♪
# I'm like a bird #
♪ I'll only fly away... ♪
Okay, listen, we got the upper hand here.
I'll take the elevator and come up to her from behind.
You take the escalator and distract her from the front.
- Perfect plan. - You ready?
One, two...
I'm sorry, Jenny. I forgot that, on principle,
I won't hit a woman.
You don't even think she is a woman.
Well, she's still shaped like one.
Look who's here. The queen of the mall.
Stacy, what are you doing? You can't just tie people up.
Let 'em go! I'll help you.
Oh, I'm afraid I can't do that.
But while they're all tied up, why not have a picnic with me?
I got all the best mall food.
I got Panda Express, Dippin' Dots, and look,
a King Cheesesteak Potato
from the Great American Potato Company. Mmm.
No, Tracy! This food is so moldy it's practically penicillin.
You build up a tolerance, Jenny! And the name is Stacy!
Jenny, there's a kill switch.
Yeah, but how am I gonna get there?
Do your jump, girl.
I don't think I can. I'm not the same person I was.
- Come on, I believe in you. - Do the jump!
# #
Okay, that's on me.
Why are you doing this, Stephanie?
Stacy! Stacy! Stacy! Why is it so hard to remember?
It's the most clichéd name for a mall rat.
While the whole world
was celebrating you, Jennifer Hart,
I was there, too.
Let me refresh your memory.
I love you, Jenny!
Could you sign my poster?
Hey, can I get a picture with you?
You guys wanna hang out?
# #
Uh-uh, this is for Jenny Hart.
# #
Oh, yeah, we were definitely bitches.
- Stacy, I'm really sorry. - Too little too late.
I dedicated my life to you... and my book,
Mall In The Family, colon,
Friendship Is A Kiosk Named Love.
On sale now at Waldenbooks.
Aw, it's closed.
Don't you get it?! The mall is closed!
You're closed. This mall was my life.
Even after they shuttered it, I kept coming back day after day
hoping that maybe Jenny Hart would hang out with me.
And then I figured out a way to get Jenny Hart here.
- The flier. - And now that you're here,
you get to die with me. Y'all do.
- And she just lost me. - She just lost you?
So now we get to transition to the great mall in the sky.
And you can be the queen, and we'll be together
Forever... 21.
Wayne, you untied yourself.
- Get us the hell off this thing. - Yep, that's the plan.
Just having a...
...little bit of trouble moving with her, uh,
mannequin boyfriend staring right at me.
Wait, that's right. He's her boyfriend.
He's our way out of this.
The one thing that will get to her is jealousy.
It's classic teen drama stuff.
- So what do I do? - You know what to do.
Make her jealous with a performance
worthy of a Teen Choice Award.
Oh, my God, you're right.
Oh, no, Joshua, is that Dale making out
with the captain of the lacrosse team?
The day before regionals?
# #
♪ Kiss me ♪
♪ Out of the bearded barley ♪
♪ Nightly, beside... ♪
No! He said he would wait for me!
♪ Mm, what'd you say? ♪
He can't swim!
You monster! Aah!
♪ Mm, what'd you say? ♪
Wayne, you freakin' saved all our lives. You were so brave.
You totally went to second base with a mannequin.
Yeah, it used to be a mannequin would wipe your mind
after something like this, but nowadays,
- they have no decency. - Oh, good Lord.
Jenny, here you go. I went back in and got this.
Yeah, you know what,
I think maybe this version of me should just stay in the past.
Okay, I just risked my life going back in there,
but... Whatev.
We've talked about it, and we think it's best
that Britney and Joshua die with the mall, too.
Aw, but they were really growing on me.
Don't worry, their secret identical twins
will collect the life insurance.
Do you mean Christina Courtney Lohan
and Logan Romijn Stamos?
# #
Guys, here it comes!
Oooweee. This just in.
A Greenpoint family was trapped inside the mall
with a crazy woman, but made a dramatic escape.
An anonymous redheaded source tells us that Wayne Edwards
tricked the captor by locking lips with a mannequin.
Talk about ooowee.
Does everyone need to know that?
With me now is longtime mall security guard
Dale Everton.
What?
Dale, will it be sad to see the mall exploded?
Well, it was a big part of my life.
I met my girlfriend Stacy there.
Although she passed in 2002.
She got caught up in the carousel.
- Oh, what?! - All right, looks like
the moment is finally here.
All right, got all the mannequins out of there.
Haul 'em away.
♪ Kiss me ♪
♪ Out of the bearded barley... ♪
sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~