Oh, well, look. Slim Jim over here's flirting.
Mother. I hate how you get around truckers.
Ooh, let's see if I can get him to honk.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Oh, no! - Oh, Lord.
I'm MayKay Bueller reporting live from Highway 311
where an 18-wheeler hauling Slim Jims turned over,
shutting down the highway for hours.
Several injuries have been reported
as fights broke out over the errant Jims.
With me are a mother and daughter
who narrowly escaped the Jim Jam.
Just speak right into this top part right here.
- Here we are. - We were driving down 311
with all of our feet in the car, obviously,
and all of a sudden there was a huge crash.
That trucker must've gotten distracted.
Probably caught sight of a beautiful woman.
"Local Grandma"? What in the hell?!
♪ Somebody's gonna pay with their life! ♪
sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~
The squeegee man has returned.
Wayne, stop.
They hired you to wash the windows at that high-rise,
- not my butt. - Should I go?
I can't tell if this is romantic or not.
Okay, y'all, I need you to be serious for a minute.
When Mother comes in for breakfast,
she's gonna be all weird, so go easy on her.
She's taking this "local grandma" thing really hard.
Uh-oh.
Psych! Who's that teenager that just walked in?
Oh, it's me.
Instasnap. Chatgram.
LOL. I am triggered.
Oh, Mother, you look amazing.
You never looked more beautiful, Betty.
I hope this is the outfit that you one day haunt me in.
Can you believe my Miss Teen Tobacco leaf gown still fits?
Hell yeah, Betty. You didn't cause a 15-car pile-up
'cause you look like some old-ass grandma.
No duh. That trucker was looking over
at me like I was Claudia Swiffer.
Yeah, Gram. You look great for 60.
Oh, Violet. Run, baby, run.
- How old is she? - No one knows.
She hole-punched the date out of her driver's license.
Look at those rich butts and their untouched bread basket.
What kind of evil bitch doesn't eat a free roll?
Doo, doo-doo-doo.
Y'all better straighten up and act like somebody,
because those are the Ladies of Greenpoint.
Yes, they are community VIPs.
They adopt highways,
they do soup kitchens
and they give gently used sweater sets to homeless people.
Excuse me.
Hello?
Hell no. I hate being snapped at.
Uh-oh. Looks like someone just ordered a Filet-O-Fist.
I'll handle these high-society cooter clamps.
Okay, we have a Cobb salad, no cheese, no meat, no egg.
The chicken Caesar, hold the chicken, hold the Caesar.
Grilled shrimp salad, no shrimp.
And a BLT, hold the B, T and bread.
And a side of 24 lemon wedges.
Oh, what attention to detail.
Usually we have to send our orders back six or seven times,
and she just nailed it.
Wait, I know you. You're Betty Hart's daughter.
Don't tell me. Genevieve, uh, Juniper?
- It's Jenny. - Jennifer. Right.
I'm Marjune Culpepper, your mother's friend.
Ladies, you don't know this, but Jennifer's mother Betty and I
shared a lover.
- I'll have what she's having. - Randy.
Betty was courted by my beloved late husband Morris.
And later in life, I, too, caught Betty fever.
So, more waters?
Ladies, I just had one of my classic wonderful ideas.
Jennifer should be the food and beverage coordinator
- for our annual charity gala. - Yes.
- I agree. - Of course!
Um, I don't know.
Been so busy here working doubles, so I-I don't think so.
And the pay is hardly worth mentioning.
- Well, then definitely no. - $250.
I'll do it.
Wayne, I can't believe your job
is literally looking in people's windows.
- It's the best thing ever. - Well, my job is washing windows.
But, Wayne, you get to see people in their homes
when they don't know they're being watched.
It's literally a window into their lives.
Wayne, you have to let me come with you. Please?
- No, absolutely not. - Boo.
Nope. I don't care how mad you get, it's too dangerous.
"Oh, you never let me do anything."
"Violet, I'm just looking out for you." Door slam.
"Peanut, get out of there. It's been two days.
You got to eat." Breaks down the door.
She ran away. "Jenny, I tried."
Okay, yeah. Yeah, you can come with.
- What was that? - I gamed it out in my mind, and you won.
- Well played. - Okay. Yes, cool.
Can we also stop and get frozen yogurt?
No. We're not getting yogurt.
"Wayne, you're no fun."
"What? I'm the most fun." "You're not my real dad."
"Why'd you have to take it to that place?
Violet, come back. Those are train tracks."
"No! Jenny, I tried."
- Yogurt it is! - Good Lord.
Welcome, Ladies of Greenpoint.
This year, we are going to tackle
one of the most debilitating conditions
facing women around the globe: female age.
- Tragic. - That is so sad. - There has to be another way.
Female age is deadly
and affects 100% of the female population.
- Oh, you mean, just getting old? - Hush. This is important.
It starts with a single gray hair.
And suddenly, you are completely invisible.
No one holding a door for you,
no one offering to buy you a drink,
no one giving you the elevator eyes.
- No! - This is a charity?
Crow's feet. Flopjaw.
Raisin knees.
Forearm crepe.
Minotaur haunch. Loss of profile.
Sleeve Kleenex. Toe jumble.
Taffy lobes. Nest hair.
Horse gums. And... neck rings.
Statement jewelry can only work so hard.
Am I right, ladies?
What can be done?
Sadly, there is no cure.
But the symptoms can be managed,
through cosmetic surgery,
creams, slimes and foreskins.
This year, our annual gala
is dedicated to helping low-income sufferers
get the procedures they so desperately need.
Wait, this is for poor people to get plastic surgery?
Y'all, I'm exactly who this charity is meant for.
I got to shake my buns
and get me some of those charity procedures.
- Marjune! - Oh, hello, Betty.
Oh, you two, thank you for coming.
It is so nice to have some new faces around here.
Speaking of new faces,
how might I get one?
Oh, Betty, I don't think you need a thing.
Marjune, look at my face.
These are the crow's feet of a local grandma. Please!
You know what, my little cigarillo?
You just shot to the top of the Female Age Relief List.
And that's how you do that.
This is some ridiculous rich-butt crap.
$250 is not worth my soul.
Oh, Jennifer, I almost forgot. Here's the 250 I owe you.
- Marjune, these are all ten-dollar bills. - Yes, 250 ten-dollar bills.
That's $2,500. Shouldn't these be ones?
They stopped making one-dollar bills years ago.
Bye-bye, soul.
So we still on for margs and nachos at Slusheritos?
It's what I live for... getting slushed with my best Frenda.
What the hell? Jenny, did you rob a bank
and not bring me with?
You know that's on my bucket list.
No, it's my pay from the Ladies of Greenpoint thing I'm doing.
Bunch of rich finger-snappers.
You know what, Brenda, you're gonna get in on this, too.
- You're coming to the gala! - I don't think so.
There's gonna be a prime rib carving station.
The orange heat lamp, the wood block,
the husky man in the tall white hat with a big smile
- and a generous knife. - Don't try to use my love
of freshly carved meat to manipulate me.
Sorry, it's done. I'm putting your name
- on the list for the gala. - Whatever, dude.
I don't know why Brenda's so mad.
Come on, Jenny, do the math.
The Ladies of Greenpoint are the cool kids.
You and Brenda were best friends in middle school,
but now it's high school,
and you just got picked for J.V. cheerleading.
Jesus, have you been binging coming-of-age movies?
Brenda just doesn't want this new relationship
to affect your friendship.
Like in Pretty in Pink when Andie fell in love
with that rich guy and ignored Duckie?
Or in Mean Girls when Cady said she was gonna infiltrate
the Queen Bees, but instead became one of them?
Working for a bunch of rich ladies
isn't gonna change who I am.
♪ I'm still, I'm still Jenny from the block. ♪
Hey, you know, I gave J.Lo the idea for that song.
- You did? - Yeah, I give everyone their ideas for their songs.
Well, me and cocaine, but it's mostly me.
Oh, funny story, Eric Clapton's "Cocaine"... that was me.
But "Jesus Is Just Alright with Me"?
- Cocaine? - Yep, so much cocaine.
Jennifer!
♪ ♪
Sure your friend is still coming?
Her Slusherito is separating.
Dump it back in for another spin. She'll be here.
♪ I'm in control ♪
- ♪ My worries are few ♪
♪ 'Cause I got love like I never knew ♪
♪ Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh ♪
♪ I got a new attitude ♪
♪ I'm wearing a new dress ♪
♪ New hat ♪
♪ Brand-new ideals as a matter of fact ♪
♪ I've changed for good ♪
♪ ♪
♪ It must have been the cool night, new moon ♪
♪ Slight change or that look ♪
- ♪ In your eye that makes me... ♪ - Ah, what have we here?
What? That's just a nice old lady.
That's what she wants you to think.
Look how bowlegged she is.
She obviously used to ride horses. Or no, wait.
- Motorcycles. - That lady?
No way.
Dang! That is incredible.
- You were dead-on, Violet. - Let's do another one.
Oh, oh, oh, let me do this one!
Okay, this guy is clearly on death row,
and-and-and he's having his last meal.
How is he on death row in a condo?
Maybe it's house arrest death row?
Like they'll come to get him when it's time to kill him?
I'm not as good at this as you are.
Wayne, look at his mawashi.
He is clearly training to be a sumo wrestler.
Whoa! Violet, you are a genius at this.
Wayne, stop! Wigs... clearly this one
is a master of disguise.
Or maybe it's just a lady who likes to have fun,
but doesn't want to spend too much time getting ready.
Whoa! Now this is interesting.
Right? A stay-at-home jeweler.
No! He's a James Bond-level international jewel thief,
who can slip in and out of a room unnoticed.
Don't know why he's slumming it here in Greenpoint.
He usually works out of Monaco or St. Barths.
- Also, he's allergic to shellfish. - Hmm?
Go, go, go!
Brenda, what are you doing in here?
There's no reason to come out. I hate waiting tables.
The only reason I even come here is to be with my friend,
but she doesn't work here anymore.
She's been replaced by a straight-haired,
hoity-toity hooker
with a cold, dead heart.
Brenda, that's not fair. I'm sorry I had to bail
on Slusheritos, but I'm not a hooker.
You are doing things you don't want to do for money.
But it's a lot of money. And also, it just feels so good
to be in with the créme de la créme of Greenpoint.
You know, just like Dirty Dancing when Baby
is finally accepted by Johnny Castle and his friends.
But they were the scuzzbags in that situation.
Your analogy doesn't work.
Some of them are actually kind of nice.
Oh, there's this one girl you would love, her name's Kirkie...
What?! I cannot be friends
with someone who is friends with a Kirkie!
So just 'cause I'm working my butt off to make
a little extra money, we're not friends anymore?
I guess not, 'cause my friends show up.
Oh, come on, just come to the gala with me
and get to know them.
- I swear you'll have fun. - Not!
Seriously?
Oh! So you're the Female Age Grant recipient?
- In the soon to be tightened flesh. - Congratulations.
Okay, let's see what we're working with here.
Right, so we'll tighten this... boo-boo-boo.
Plump this... bop-bop-bop.
Move this... scoochie-scoochie.
Lift this... scooby-doobie, tuck and roll.
Injection... squank, zip, zap, zop and we're done.
And remember, no eating or drinking
- before the procedure tomorrow. - Oh, no.
But tonight's the gala. Okay, I'll make you a deal...
I won't eat or drink tonight,
and you throw in a little sprucing of my lady bouquet.
I don't know what that means.
You know, a little pressure wash of my fun zone.
Okay, I lied. I do know what that means.
I just wanted to end this conversation.
All right, y'all, welcome to my labor of love.
Ta-da!
Whoa, Mom, this is the fanciest thing I've ever seen.
Mmm, Mama could get used to this.
Great job, Jenny.
- And, wow, you look beautiful. Mmm... - Careful! Don't mash the hair.
Fresh blowout. Kirkie!
Uh, what did any of those words mean?
Maybe "Kirkie" is rich-person talk for "hello"?
Y'all, would you look at that buffet.
It's like a Shoney's for the Queen of England.
And I can't touch it because of my damn surgery tomorrow.
Lord, give me strength!
Waiter, just pour me a glass of ice...
w-w-water.
Wayne, look!
- Oh, no. - What the heck
is that stay-at-home jeweler doing here?
Not that I'm scared. I'm just asking.
Look at all these rich ladies wearing all their finest jewels.
Wayne, come on. We got to track him.
No way, Vi. We're not following some
stranger around at your mother's party.
"But, Wayne..."
"Come on, Violet, don't be like that."
Icy ride home.
"Violet, why won't you put on your seat belt?
What are those headlights?" Truck coming at us head-on.
"Violet. Violet, say something. Anything."
"Jenny, I tried." Okay, let's tail him.
- I got some walkie-talkies in my truck. - Yes!
Jennifer, we have just been blown away
by all the amazing work you've done.
And so we'd like to formally invite you
to become a Lady of Greenpoint.
Care to join our little band of sisters?
Really? Me?
Brenda! Oh, Brenda.
Can we put my friend on the list? Brenda Clemmons?
I don't think she's really our type of people.
- I'm sorry, all the tables are full. - Okay, um...
Jenny. Holy crap, is this Vanna White's house?
Brenda, I thought you said you weren't coming.
Aw, you look so nice.
Aw, I can't stay mad at you, Jenny. You know that.
Now point me towards that prime rib station.
Oh, Brenda, I'm so sorry.
Um, there's been a mix-up, uh, with the seating...
Oh, I get it. That's, uh, finger-snapper speak
for "They don't want me here."
Which is perfect, 'cause, uh, this is a prank.
Boom, bitches.
I wish y'all could see the ding-dong looks
- on your idiot, pranked faces. - Brenda!
If we're really gonna do this, we're gonna do it right.
I have experience in tracking people.
Remember, I was a security guard at Belks.
If he makes even one move for the door,
- I'll tackle him. - You're not tackling that adult man.
No, I'm for sure gonna tackle him.
This might be my only chance to tackle somebody. There he is.
I'm going over. You stay here.
- No tackling. - But I feel a tackle coming on.
I think I really screwed something up with Brenda.
Can't talk now. I'm tailing a jewel thief.
She thinks I'm a different person, but I'm not.
- Mm. Mm-hmm. - I didn't get her into the gala,
but she said she didn't want to come.
Oh, my God. He's gonna go for it.
This guy just wants to get tackled so bad.
I'm just doing this for the money.
It's not like I'm one of them.
Even though this pin is really pretty.
- You think this is rose gold? - Oh, no. He's coming over here.
Pretend we're having a conversation.
I thought we were having a conversation.
Oh, yes, Mom. Exactly what you just said.
It's funny 'cause it's true.
Okay, whatever, Violet.
I can't feel guilty about Brenda right now.
I have a frickin' job to do.
Wayne, I lost him.
Wayne, do you copy?
Wayne?
- What are you doing? - I didn't lose him. He's right there.
I'm on him like sunblock on Julianne Moore.
Oh, where'd he go?
Oh, God, oh, God.
Betty, I know you can't tell because my face
looks so frozen and wet, but I'm worried.
- Where is your light? - My light ran out of batteries,
- and my batteries are crab legs. - What?
I just got to get that surgery over with tomorrow,
and then I can chow down with my new young face.
Betty, a youthful appearance requires continual sacrifice.
During your gruesome recovery,
you'll only be able to drink broth through a straw.
And once you're healed, you will be addicted to pain killers.
But the good news is they'll keep your appetite at bay.
Betty, I haven't been in the sun or eaten anything
other than dry salads for 25 years.
Tomorrow is only the beginning.
You know what?
I think I know an easier way to fix this face.
Smoked Gouda. Sheer heaven.
Perfect.
Yep. Surgery's off.
- Thanks anyway, Marjune. - Betty, you're right.
I love seeing that cheese give you so much pleasure.
- May I feed you? - Uh, I-I guess.
Okay, this is taking too long. I got food to eat.
We have got a very special surprise guest
to kick off tonight's gala.
Please put your hands together for Patti LaBelle impersonator
Julie Vous Coucher.
Where are my backup singers?
Oh, my God. It's him.
♪ Running hot, running cold ♪
♪ I was running into overload ♪
♪ I got a new attitude... ♪
- That's what all the jewels were for. - Of course.
Oh, what? There's supposed to be champagne glasses here.
Can we get some champagne flutes here?
The stemmed glasses. Hello?
I can't believe it. I'm putting two fingers together
and snapping at another human being.
I'm still doing it. Stop it, Jenny!
I'd like all the Ladies of Greenpoint to come up on stage.
And I'd like everyone to give an especially warm welcome
to our newest member Jennifer Hart.
It's Jenny. My friends call me Jenny.
And I'd like to take this moment to say
that I am officially resigning from the Ladies of Greenpoint.
Y'all are so cool and so glamorous, but you know what?
This isn't for me.
I mean, i-it was great to be asked into the popular group
like a beautiful nerd in a teen movie,
but now I have put my glasses back on,
and I can see that this fundraiser is kind of a joke.
Female age?
This money should be going to climate change
or-or public schools. But, honestly,
I'm the one who hasn't been very charitable,
to my best friend Brenda.
And I let her down big-time.
I only wish she was here so I could give her
the dramatic public apology she deserves.
Oh, I'm here.
Security guards at these things
- are notoriously seducible. - There she is!
Okay, y'all. You see that woman,
climbing out from under the prime rib station,
looking all gorgeous? She would kill for me.
And I mean it, y'all. First degree murder.
And she'd never tell me, because she wouldn't want me
to be an accessory after the fact.
Now I'm gonna have the time of my life,
and I owe it all to you, Brenda.
♪ ♪
What's happening, what's happening?
- I'm falling forward. - Use your core!
Come on!
Whoa, Jenny.
Thank you for the double Diamondschlager Slusherito.
You got it, girl.
This friendship is worth its weight in Diamondschlager.
Julie Vous Coucher was a thief, kind of.
In that he stole my heart
doing the duet "On My Own" on his own.
A Patti LaBelle impersonator.
How could I have been so violently off?
♪ Are few, 'cause I got love ♪
♪ Like I never knew ♪
♪ Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh... ♪
sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~