1
00:00:02,453 --> 00:00:03,651
-(chewing)
-(indistinct chatter)
2
00:00:03,754 --> 00:00:05,820
Lort, thank you for blessing us
3
00:00:05,923 --> 00:00:07,731
with this portable bounty
4
00:00:07,791 --> 00:00:09,733
as we eat Thanksgiving dinner
5
00:00:09,793 --> 00:00:11,585
the way it was meant
to be eaten,
6
00:00:11,721 --> 00:00:14,905
in line for Black Friday deals
at Mega Lo Mart.
7
00:00:14,965 --> 00:00:16,757
Amen!
8
00:00:16,909 --> 00:00:18,500
Did everyone get enough dinner
in their bags?
9
00:00:18,561 --> 00:00:19,834
Protein's in the tote.
10
00:00:19,895 --> 00:00:21,169
Sides in the rolling suitcase.
11
00:00:21,188 --> 00:00:22,670
Gravy and stuffing
in the JanSport.
12
00:00:22,732 --> 00:00:24,414
Wait, where is
the cranberry sauce?
13
00:00:24,475 --> 00:00:25,766
I got it.
14
00:00:25,918 --> 00:00:27,008
Let me... (sucks)
get it started for you.
15
00:00:27,069 --> 00:00:29,920
(sucking)
Ah.
16
00:00:29,980 --> 00:00:31,772
You know what?
I'm good.
17
00:00:31,866 --> 00:00:33,866
Whew. I'm sweating bullets.
18
00:00:34,017 --> 00:00:35,350
I should've gone with my gut
19
00:00:35,453 --> 00:00:37,185
and worn a mesh football jersey
and pasties.
20
00:00:37,204 --> 00:00:38,779
Well, here's something
to cool you down.
21
00:00:38,873 --> 00:00:40,280
(singsongy):
I made gravy pops.
22
00:00:40,374 --> 00:00:42,449
I got porkcicles,
turkey skin pops,
23
00:00:42,585 --> 00:00:44,951
and, Vi, I do have
a green bean casserole pop,
24
00:00:45,087 --> 00:00:46,787
but, keep in mind,
it's kinda gross.
25
00:00:46,922 --> 00:00:47,862
(sighs)
Lord,
26
00:00:47,882 --> 00:00:49,122
remember the last time
27
00:00:49,258 --> 00:00:51,216
we had gravy pops
on Black Friday?
28
00:00:51,368 --> 00:00:53,034
That was back
before I even knew y'all.
29
00:00:53,095 --> 00:00:55,387
I had a pretty sweet part-time
job driving a dairy truck,
30
00:00:55,580 --> 00:00:58,540
and I narrowly escaped
a disaster of epic proportions.
31
00:00:58,559 --> 00:00:59,558
BETTY:
Snore.
32
00:00:59,751 --> 00:01:01,285
Get me my weighted body pillow,
33
00:01:01,386 --> 00:01:03,044
'cause you are putting me
to sleep.
34
00:01:03,105 --> 00:01:05,822
An actually epic story
is how I executed
35
00:01:05,849 --> 00:01:07,215
the most flawless slip-and-fall
36
00:01:07,318 --> 00:01:10,402
the United States of Hamerica
has ever seen.
37
00:01:10,554 --> 00:01:12,071
Wait, are we
really doing this again?
38
00:01:12,222 --> 00:01:13,221
Doing what?
39
00:01:13,282 --> 00:01:15,299
Telling stories on Black Friday
40
00:01:15,359 --> 00:01:17,317
about other Black Fridays.
41
00:01:17,411 --> 00:01:19,078
It all started when...
42
00:01:19,229 --> 00:01:20,728
No. Not listening.
43
00:01:20,790 --> 00:01:23,082
I'm in the middle of
a groundbreaking murder podcast
44
00:01:23,233 --> 00:01:24,583
called
The Husband Didn't Do It.
45
00:01:24,752 --> 00:01:26,234
Oh, I see
what's happening here.
46
00:01:26,253 --> 00:01:27,569
You're afraid if we reminisce,
47
00:01:27,588 --> 00:01:29,404
you're gonna cry
like you did last year.
48
00:01:29,423 --> 00:01:32,816
(quietly): You promised me that
you'd never bring that up again.
49
00:01:32,876 --> 00:01:35,427
Everyone, we're telling
Black Friday stories over here,
50
00:01:35,579 --> 00:01:37,321
so Violet might get
a little emotional!
51
00:01:37,422 --> 00:01:39,323
Ugh, why is there
never a husband around
52
00:01:39,424 --> 00:01:40,766
when you want to be killed?
53
00:01:40,959 --> 00:01:42,935
♪ ♪
54
00:02:11,990 --> 00:02:13,357
WAYNE:
Okay,
55
00:02:13,417 --> 00:02:14,449
so where were we?
56
00:02:14,552 --> 00:02:16,301
It was Black Friday Eve--
57
00:02:16,453 --> 00:02:17,469
which some people call
Thanksgiving--
58
00:02:17,662 --> 00:02:19,972
on a night just like tonight.
59
00:02:20,123 --> 00:02:21,640
I was 18 years old,
60
00:02:21,791 --> 00:02:24,050
and I was reeling
from my first-ever heartbreak,
61
00:02:24,186 --> 00:02:26,036
Anita Upchurch.
62
00:02:26,054 --> 00:02:27,587
She told me I was too sensitive,
63
00:02:27,648 --> 00:02:29,539
because, apparently,
"real men" don't cry
64
00:02:29,600 --> 00:02:30,724
at dog food commercials.
65
00:02:30,818 --> 00:02:32,151
Get it together, Wayne.
66
00:02:32,302 --> 00:02:33,393
Stupid tear ducts.
67
00:02:33,487 --> 00:02:34,895
She wanted a hero type.
68
00:02:34,989 --> 00:02:36,488
But little did she know,
69
00:02:36,640 --> 00:02:38,548
I was about to become one.
70
00:02:38,609 --> 00:02:41,218
Uh-oh. I feel like this is
gonna be a Wayne story
71
00:02:41,236 --> 00:02:43,811
that's half memory and
half Michael Bay fever dream.
72
00:02:43,873 --> 00:02:44,997
They're my memories!
73
00:02:45,148 --> 00:02:46,890
I can spice them up
however I want.
74
00:02:46,950 --> 00:02:48,816
Now, here's
exactly what happened.
75
00:02:48,878 --> 00:02:52,045
(beeping)
76
00:02:52,197 --> 00:02:54,489
The refrigeration
on my milk truck went out,
77
00:02:54,592 --> 00:02:56,991
leaving me only 20 minutes
to deliver my creams,
78
00:02:57,011 --> 00:02:59,344
butters and nogs
before they went bad.
79
00:03:02,466 --> 00:03:03,849
(dramatic music playing)
80
00:03:04,018 --> 00:03:05,684
(horn blares)
81
00:03:09,023 --> 00:03:13,901
So there I was, going about 250
miles per hour down the highway.
82
00:03:18,857 --> 00:03:20,515
Quit your yapping, Wayne.
83
00:03:20,576 --> 00:03:22,534
Violet doesn't want to hear
your milk memories.
84
00:03:22,727 --> 00:03:24,185
She wants to hear my story.
85
00:03:24,288 --> 00:03:25,762
About my slip-and-fall.
86
00:03:25,781 --> 00:03:27,447
Which needs no embellishment.
87
00:03:27,599 --> 00:03:30,358
Oh, to be clear, I don't want
to hear anyone's story.
88
00:03:30,419 --> 00:03:33,861
It was a hot and balmy night.
89
00:03:33,881 --> 00:03:38,884
My décolletage was glistening
from the moist air.
90
00:03:39,053 --> 00:03:43,388
There she is, the Paula Abdula
of Greenpoint.
91
00:03:43,557 --> 00:03:45,966
And the newest member
of the Carolina Panther
92
00:03:46,118 --> 00:03:47,467
cheerleading squad.
93
00:03:47,561 --> 00:03:48,802
How'd the audition go?
94
00:03:48,896 --> 00:03:50,787
You guys, I'm sure I didn't
get it.
95
00:03:50,889 --> 00:03:52,806
Some of those girls have
danced on cruise ships.
96
00:03:52,900 --> 00:03:54,975
Hush, Jenny, you're getting
the hell out of Greenpoint.
97
00:03:55,069 --> 00:03:57,385
You'll spend a year or two
as a Panthers girl,
98
00:03:57,446 --> 00:04:00,405
then go the J.Lo route:
seduce a music producer,
99
00:04:00,598 --> 00:04:03,300
make a mint for all of us,
then star in an epic flop
100
00:04:03,360 --> 00:04:05,893
with Ben Affleck
and come out even stronger.
101
00:04:05,955 --> 00:04:07,988
And once you make the team,
I'm coming with,
102
00:04:08,082 --> 00:04:09,489
'cause you're gonna need
an entourage.
103
00:04:09,625 --> 00:04:11,566
You know, like that HBO show,
Arliss.
104
00:04:11,627 --> 00:04:13,752
You guys, I'm not moving
to Charlotte.
105
00:04:13,945 --> 00:04:16,421
Now, living in Charlotte
is not gonna be cheap.
106
00:04:16,614 --> 00:04:19,483
Fortunately, I have got a plan.
107
00:04:19,501 --> 00:04:20,984
Oh, Lord, please don't say
you're gonna do a slip-and-fall
108
00:04:21,003 --> 00:04:22,486
and pretend to get hurt
for money.
109
00:04:22,504 --> 00:04:25,322
♪ I'm gonna do
a slip-and-fall. ♪
110
00:04:25,382 --> 00:04:27,248
Okay, everyone.
111
00:04:27,268 --> 00:04:29,601
Now, before the doors open,
I have prepared
112
00:04:29,794 --> 00:04:33,755
a whimsical acrostic
for the occasion: shopping.
113
00:04:33,857 --> 00:04:37,517
The "S" stands for safety,
wherever you may browse.
114
00:04:37,611 --> 00:04:39,185
The "H" stands for...
115
00:04:39,338 --> 00:04:40,353
Oh, my God!
116
00:04:40,447 --> 00:04:43,857
Move it or lose it.
(grunts)
117
00:04:43,951 --> 00:04:47,360
Eat forehead, nerd.
118
00:04:47,513 --> 00:04:50,455
-All your garbage is mine now.
-Oh, no.
119
00:04:50,624 --> 00:04:54,184
-What?
-My plan just hit
its first major snag.
120
00:04:54,244 --> 00:04:58,188
See that spicy
fleur-de-lis over there?
121
00:04:58,248 --> 00:05:01,633
That man is Henri Tomber.
122
00:05:01,826 --> 00:05:04,694
Hails from New Orleans.
He's a slip-and-fall detective.
123
00:05:04,713 --> 00:05:05,971
They have those?
124
00:05:06,164 --> 00:05:08,807
(sighs) He works for the
insurance company,
125
00:05:09,000 --> 00:05:10,884
protecting stores
from phony claims.
126
00:05:11,020 --> 00:05:12,144
I clashed with him
three years ago
127
00:05:12,295 --> 00:05:13,887
at a Kroger in Randleman.
128
00:05:14,023 --> 00:05:17,149
He sent me away for 20 days
of hard community service.
129
00:05:17,318 --> 00:05:19,967
Him being here just made
my job a lot tougher.
130
00:05:19,987 --> 00:05:23,613
But you know I got a perma-boner
for a good challenge.
131
00:05:28,186 --> 00:05:29,235
(grunts)
132
00:05:29,330 --> 00:05:31,404
I for real fell!
133
00:05:31,498 --> 00:05:33,665
Sir, are you okay? Ugh.
134
00:05:33,858 --> 00:05:35,983
I'll get the paperwork
for you to start suing us.
135
00:05:36,086 --> 00:05:37,561
HENRI:
Now, wait a minute.
136
00:05:37,579 --> 00:05:39,153
Let me take a look here.
137
00:05:39,256 --> 00:05:41,506
I understand you had
some kind of whoopsie-doodle.
138
00:05:41,658 --> 00:05:42,899
Ooh! Aah.
139
00:05:42,959 --> 00:05:45,235
Why don't you tell Henri
all about it.
140
00:05:45,253 --> 00:05:47,495
Oh, it hurts real bad,
my babies.
141
00:05:47,556 --> 00:05:51,257
I fell on this barbecue sauce
that was left here negligently.
142
00:05:51,352 --> 00:05:53,167
I may never walk again.
143
00:05:53,187 --> 00:05:55,395
Hmm, barbecue sauce, you say?
144
00:05:59,526 --> 00:06:03,436
I happen to know a little bit
about barbecue sauces.
145
00:06:03,530 --> 00:06:05,422
You-you do?
146
00:06:05,440 --> 00:06:07,941
And this here sauce I'm tasting
is Screamin' Steve's
147
00:06:08,035 --> 00:06:11,018
barbecue sauce,
which, if I'm not mistaken,
148
00:06:11,080 --> 00:06:13,855
isn't sold within
15 miles of this here store.
149
00:06:13,916 --> 00:06:16,766
Rookie mistake.
Hate to see it.
150
00:06:16,868 --> 00:06:19,378
You sure did slip, boy.
Slipped up.
151
00:06:19,571 --> 00:06:21,004
Take him away.
152
00:06:22,925 --> 00:06:25,942
You have no idea
how good Henri is.
153
00:06:25,961 --> 00:06:28,111
It's just like I always say:
154
00:06:28,171 --> 00:06:29,946
"If you're gonna fake a tumbo,
155
00:06:29,965 --> 00:06:32,115
beware the Gumbo Columbo."
156
00:06:32,175 --> 00:06:34,375
Mother, just now is the first
time you've ever said that.
157
00:06:34,436 --> 00:06:36,302
(phone rings)
158
00:06:36,397 --> 00:06:39,714
Oh, my God,
a Charlotte area code.
159
00:06:39,775 --> 00:06:41,808
I feel like I'm gonna throw up.
160
00:06:41,960 --> 00:06:43,402
(breathing heavily)
161
00:06:43,595 --> 00:06:45,979
Just pick it up, dumbass.
162
00:06:46,131 --> 00:06:47,313
Hello?
163
00:06:47,408 --> 00:06:49,223
Hi, Jennifer,
this is Austin McNutt
164
00:06:49,284 --> 00:06:50,558
from the Carolina Panthers.
165
00:06:50,577 --> 00:06:52,318
I'm calling to say
166
00:06:52,413 --> 00:06:55,229
that unfortunately there were
a lot of girls who tried out...
167
00:06:55,290 --> 00:06:58,475
-so I have bad news.
-I knew it.
168
00:06:58,493 --> 00:07:00,994
Which is that you're gonna
have to move away...
169
00:07:01,088 --> 00:07:03,663
-(all gasp)
-...because you got the job!
170
00:07:03,757 --> 00:07:05,165
Wait, I got it?
171
00:07:05,259 --> 00:07:07,241
Let me finish.
You got the job
172
00:07:07,302 --> 00:07:09,169
of wiping away tears...
173
00:07:09,263 --> 00:07:11,171
-Oh.
-What?
- ...of joy...
174
00:07:11,265 --> 00:07:12,338
I think I'm back in?
175
00:07:12,433 --> 00:07:14,007
...off the faces of the girls
176
00:07:14,159 --> 00:07:16,083
who actually did make the team.
177
00:07:16,186 --> 00:07:18,085
-Okay, what now?
-Which includes you!
178
00:07:18,147 --> 00:07:19,921
I straight-up hate this dude.
179
00:07:20,023 --> 00:07:23,349
So congratulations,
or should I say condolences,
180
00:07:23,502 --> 00:07:25,685
for having to come in and work
with my silly ass.
181
00:07:25,821 --> 00:07:27,687
Did she get it or not?!
182
00:07:27,839 --> 00:07:29,597
She got in. She totally got in.
I'm sorry.
183
00:07:29,658 --> 00:07:31,933
I-I just did so many poppers
last night.
184
00:07:31,994 --> 00:07:33,526
(cheering, laughing)
185
00:07:33,620 --> 00:07:35,120
All right!
186
00:07:35,271 --> 00:07:38,272
I'm in!
High kick, air punch, high kick.
187
00:07:38,333 --> 00:07:40,292
-Oh, sorry.
-Whoo! Good one, Jenny.
188
00:07:40,443 --> 00:07:41,685
Take his stuff.
189
00:07:41,786 --> 00:07:44,111
Hold on.
Gram, why did you tell me
190
00:07:44,131 --> 00:07:45,705
this story was about
your slip-and-fall?
191
00:07:45,799 --> 00:07:48,358
It's clearly the story
of Mom getting her dream job.
192
00:07:48,376 --> 00:07:50,635
And, Mom, why have I never
heard about this?
193
00:07:50,828 --> 00:07:52,529
Oh, it wasn't really a big deal.
194
00:07:52,589 --> 00:07:55,790
Not a big deal?
Mom, that job was a huge deal.
195
00:07:55,809 --> 00:07:57,867
An-And speaking of
huge deal jobs,
196
00:07:57,928 --> 00:08:00,537
my dairy truck situation
certainly
197
00:08:00,555 --> 00:08:03,039
-was not getting any easier.
-Wait, no, don't.
198
00:08:03,099 --> 00:08:04,983
WAYNE:
I was gonna make it
by the skin of my teeth,
199
00:08:05,152 --> 00:08:08,545
as long as there were
no surprises.
200
00:08:08,563 --> 00:08:10,989
But things rarely go
according to plan
201
00:08:11,158 --> 00:08:13,717
in the fast-paced world
of hauling perishables.
202
00:08:13,777 --> 00:08:15,051
(quacks)
203
00:08:15,111 --> 00:08:17,370
-(cries out)
-(tires screeching)
204
00:08:22,860 --> 00:08:23,943
(exhales)
205
00:08:24,004 --> 00:08:27,247
(all quacking)
206
00:08:27,341 --> 00:08:29,582
A lot to unpack here.
207
00:08:29,676 --> 00:08:31,751
You're definitely winning me
over with the periscope,
208
00:08:31,887 --> 00:08:34,070
but I do need to
get back to Mom's thing.
209
00:08:34,130 --> 00:08:37,073
Oh, my God, I got the job.
I'm an NFL cheerleader!
210
00:08:37,092 --> 00:08:38,908
Oh, my God,
my mouth's getting dry.
211
00:08:38,927 --> 00:08:40,519
I can't feel my hands. Are my
teeth loose? I'm so nauseous.
212
00:08:40,670 --> 00:08:42,354
That's the sweet adrenaline rush
of knowing
213
00:08:42,523 --> 00:08:44,597
you're better than
everyone else.
214
00:08:44,750 --> 00:08:46,583
-Mother, no.
-Listen up, losers.
215
00:08:46,685 --> 00:08:48,342
My daughter, Jenny Hart,
216
00:08:48,403 --> 00:08:50,011
has just been accepted to
217
00:08:50,072 --> 00:08:52,589
the Carolina Panthers
cheerleader squad.
218
00:08:52,691 --> 00:08:54,015
So we're better than you now.
219
00:08:54,076 --> 00:08:55,759
So pucker your smoochers
220
00:08:55,819 --> 00:08:58,111
and start kissing our
boo-heinies immediately.
221
00:08:58,263 --> 00:08:59,763
Okay, Mom, that's enough.
222
00:08:59,823 --> 00:09:02,207
There are two tiers
of people now: tier one, us,
223
00:09:02,400 --> 00:09:04,434
tier two, y'all.
224
00:09:04,494 --> 00:09:07,194
Now, let's shop!
225
00:09:07,256 --> 00:09:09,622
With the whole town in a tizzy
over Jenny's news,
226
00:09:09,775 --> 00:09:11,941
I could focus on my own plan.
227
00:09:12,002 --> 00:09:13,626
Mother, did you just purposely
grab a cart
228
00:09:13,779 --> 00:09:15,128
with a broken wheel?
229
00:09:15,280 --> 00:09:17,797
The less you know
about my plan, the better.
230
00:09:17,949 --> 00:09:22,452
Now, you may be wondering
what, exactly, my plan was.
231
00:09:22,554 --> 00:09:24,788
No, we're not focusing
on your plan.
232
00:09:24,848 --> 00:09:26,380
Mom, what happened next?
233
00:09:26,400 --> 00:09:27,791
I'll tell you
what happened next.
234
00:09:27,809 --> 00:09:30,310
Now that your mom
was a celebrity,
235
00:09:30,462 --> 00:09:31,886
the vultures started circling.
236
00:09:31,947 --> 00:09:33,387
And they all wanted something:
237
00:09:33,448 --> 00:09:35,056
Jenny's smoking-hot carcass.
238
00:09:35,158 --> 00:09:37,742
Oh, I'm so proud of you, Jenny.
Can I get an autograph?
239
00:09:37,894 --> 00:09:40,245
So you can turn around
and sell it on eBay?
240
00:09:40,438 --> 00:09:42,806
Nice try, Norma.
241
00:09:42,824 --> 00:09:45,658
When I grow up,
I want to be just like...
242
00:09:45,752 --> 00:09:48,587
She's not loaning you money.
Scram!
243
00:09:48,755 --> 00:09:51,314
Oof. I don't feel so good.
244
00:09:51,374 --> 00:09:53,149
On behalf of Mega Lo Mart,
245
00:09:53,209 --> 00:09:55,318
here's a bucket of
celebratory popcorn.
246
00:09:55,378 --> 00:09:59,514
Plain, caramel,
and habanero ranch.
247
00:10:00,717 --> 00:10:02,434
(retching)
248
00:10:02,585 --> 00:10:04,160
You show him, Jenny.
249
00:10:04,179 --> 00:10:06,663
You hear that, y'all
phony-baloney hangers-on-ers?
250
00:10:06,681 --> 00:10:08,498
You make us friggin' sick.
251
00:10:08,558 --> 00:10:10,817
Actually, I haven't been
feeling good all day.
252
00:10:13,805 --> 00:10:15,855
Jenny, can I say something?
253
00:10:16,007 --> 00:10:18,116
No, no, no, no, no.
There is no way I'm pregnant.
254
00:10:18,309 --> 00:10:20,101
No way, nuh-uh.
There are things I am and things
255
00:10:20,162 --> 00:10:22,203
I'm not-- a cheerleader, yes;
pregnant, no.
256
00:10:23,198 --> 00:10:24,347
(gasps)
257
00:10:24,407 --> 00:10:26,249
(whimpering):
I'm pregnant.
258
00:10:30,955 --> 00:10:33,239
Wait, so you had just
gotten your dream job,
259
00:10:33,391 --> 00:10:35,116
and then you found out
you were pregnant with me?
260
00:10:35,218 --> 00:10:36,376
You must have been freaking out.
261
00:10:36,470 --> 00:10:38,194
What? (scoffs)
262
00:10:38,213 --> 00:10:39,879
Freaking out with happiness
maybe.
263
00:10:40,031 --> 00:10:43,716
Oh, this is the worst thing
that's ever happened to me!
264
00:10:43,810 --> 00:10:45,368
My life is over.
My mom's gonna kill me.
265
00:10:45,428 --> 00:10:46,961
I am dead. Dead!
266
00:10:46,980 --> 00:10:49,397
What the freak am I gonna do
with a crapping baby?
267
00:10:50,984 --> 00:10:53,467
Anyway, we love you.
We're real glad you're here.
268
00:10:53,528 --> 00:10:56,379
Now let's talk about something
I wasn't glad was there:
269
00:10:56,439 --> 00:10:57,730
those ducks.
270
00:10:57,824 --> 00:10:59,232
Nailed the segue, dude.
271
00:10:59,326 --> 00:11:01,551
They cost me
eight precious minutes.
272
00:11:01,611 --> 00:11:02,568
And unless I could find
another way
273
00:11:02,721 --> 00:11:04,162
to keep my creams cold,
274
00:11:04,355 --> 00:11:06,572
that truck was headed
straight to Curdle Town
275
00:11:06,725 --> 00:11:07,815
on the Sour Milk Expressway,
276
00:11:07,918 --> 00:11:10,835
population: spoiled.
277
00:11:11,028 --> 00:11:12,319
(tires screech)
278
00:11:12,422 --> 00:11:14,397
-♪ ♪
-(all gasp)
279
00:11:14,416 --> 00:11:17,250
I'm gonna need the contents
of all your Slusherito machines.
280
00:11:17,386 --> 00:11:19,585
Oh, snap. You trying
to keep your creams cold?
281
00:11:19,721 --> 00:11:20,995
You know it.
282
00:11:21,056 --> 00:11:22,906
(chuckles):
You're crazy, man.
283
00:11:22,924 --> 00:11:25,758
Wayne, I'm loving your story.
Zero notes.
284
00:11:25,852 --> 00:11:27,927
But can we hear
what happened to Mom first?
285
00:11:28,021 --> 00:11:29,854
-And, Gram,
I don't have time for...
-The pieces
286
00:11:30,023 --> 00:11:32,173
were falling into place,
but Henri,
287
00:11:32,234 --> 00:11:35,193
the Cajun Complication,
was hot on my tail.
288
00:11:35,344 --> 00:11:37,696
Beatrice Jean Bryant.
289
00:11:37,889 --> 00:11:40,773
Henri Bourbon Street Tomber.
290
00:11:40,867 --> 00:11:43,201
Why am I not surprised
to see you here?
291
00:11:43,352 --> 00:11:45,186
You wouldn't be
planning on taking
292
00:11:45,288 --> 00:11:47,539
a little accidental tumbo,
would you?
293
00:11:47,690 --> 00:11:49,690
Who, me? Oh, I'm just shopping.
294
00:11:49,751 --> 00:11:52,118
Is that a crime now, Detective?
295
00:11:52,270 --> 00:11:53,378
Now, let's just take a look
at your cart,
296
00:11:53,529 --> 00:11:55,230
shall we, s'il vous plaît?
297
00:11:55,257 --> 00:11:59,467
Rifle your calloused hands
through my goods all you want.
298
00:12:00,912 --> 00:12:03,388
Bananas.
A thousand-pack of marbles.
299
00:12:03,581 --> 00:12:05,039
Motor oil.
300
00:12:05,100 --> 00:12:07,133
That's a mighty slippery
assortment of items
301
00:12:07,285 --> 00:12:08,952
you're shopping for.
302
00:12:09,012 --> 00:12:10,303
But why don't I
do you a kindness
303
00:12:10,397 --> 00:12:12,472
and hold these items
for you up front.
304
00:12:12,624 --> 00:12:16,067
-If you must.
-Oh, I must certainly must.
305
00:12:16,219 --> 00:12:18,478
BETTY: But what
he didn't know was...
306
00:12:18,572 --> 00:12:20,238
Gram, I don't care.
307
00:12:20,389 --> 00:12:21,481
Mom, what happened next?
308
00:12:21,575 --> 00:12:23,742
(sighs)
What am I gonna do?
309
00:12:23,935 --> 00:12:25,559
I just broke up
with that butthole Don,
310
00:12:25,620 --> 00:12:27,637
and I was all ready
to start my life in Charlotte
311
00:12:27,697 --> 00:12:30,490
as a Panthers girl,
not be a single mom.
312
00:12:30,625 --> 00:12:33,251
Okay, just spitballing
right off the top of my head.
313
00:12:33,420 --> 00:12:35,144
I heard
that you can leave a baby
314
00:12:35,205 --> 00:12:37,422
at any fire station,
and they have to raise it.
315
00:12:37,615 --> 00:12:40,741
Plus, bonus, that baby's
got a built-in job for life.
316
00:12:40,761 --> 00:12:43,428
I am not leaving a baby
at a fire station.
317
00:12:43,621 --> 00:12:45,321
And do you think
that's how we get firemen?
318
00:12:45,423 --> 00:12:47,414
You think a person
with two parents
319
00:12:47,476 --> 00:12:49,750
would run
into a burning building?
320
00:12:49,770 --> 00:12:51,919
Okay, well, we can't
tell anyone. I need to think.
321
00:12:51,980 --> 00:12:53,587
Doo, doo-doo-doo.
322
00:12:53,648 --> 00:12:55,089
Knock, knock.
323
00:12:55,150 --> 00:12:58,259
Hey, Jenny. I'm so proud of you.
324
00:12:58,278 --> 00:12:59,519
Look at us, y'all.
325
00:12:59,613 --> 00:13:03,597
Two successful,
career-oriented women.
326
00:13:03,658 --> 00:13:07,026
Me, bravely inheriting
my family's seafood restaurant,
327
00:13:07,120 --> 00:13:10,863
and you, a full-fledged
football dancer.
328
00:13:10,957 --> 00:13:12,457
Yep. Look at us.
329
00:13:12,626 --> 00:13:15,518
Anyway, congratulations.
330
00:13:15,578 --> 00:13:18,129
You and I beat the odds because,
you know, most of the girls
331
00:13:18,322 --> 00:13:20,189
out here just get blessed
with child
332
00:13:20,291 --> 00:13:22,634
right out of high school
and then they fall directly
333
00:13:22,827 --> 00:13:25,136
into a life of stripping
and boom-boom.
334
00:13:25,288 --> 00:13:26,712
But not you and me, Jenny.
335
00:13:26,807 --> 00:13:29,307
Doo, doo-doo-doo.
See you at the top.
336
00:13:29,458 --> 00:13:32,535
And, Brenda,
I will pray for you.
337
00:13:32,595 --> 00:13:35,814
So, how did Gram react
when you told her?
338
00:13:36,007 --> 00:13:37,707
Well, I was waiting
for the perfect time.
339
00:13:37,725 --> 00:13:38,875
You know, you don't want
to interrupt her
340
00:13:38,893 --> 00:13:39,984
when she's mid-grift.
341
00:13:40,177 --> 00:13:41,878
BETTY:
By all appearances,
342
00:13:41,896 --> 00:13:43,304
Henri had gotten the best of me.
343
00:13:43,365 --> 00:13:47,116
But appearances
can be deceiving.
344
00:13:48,144 --> 00:13:49,643
Stupid cart's fighting me
345
00:13:49,746 --> 00:13:52,221
like a big-bosomed lady
demanding her Mardi Gras beads.
346
00:13:52,323 --> 00:13:54,249
Wobbly wheel, check.
347
00:13:55,710 --> 00:13:58,670
Precariously stacked
soup pyramid, check.
348
00:14:02,750 --> 00:14:06,344
Teetering panini press over
a "what you doing here" yogurt.
349
00:14:08,039 --> 00:14:10,056
It's showtime.
350
00:14:11,059 --> 00:14:13,500
(distorted shout)
351
00:14:13,562 --> 00:14:16,003
-(dinging)
-(all gasp)
352
00:14:16,064 --> 00:14:18,022
Ma'am, are you okay?
353
00:14:18,215 --> 00:14:20,507
Oh, I must have slipped
on that yogurt.
354
00:14:20,569 --> 00:14:23,177
I saw the whole thing.
It's that guy's fault.
355
00:14:23,196 --> 00:14:25,588
Now, now, listen here.
She set me up.
356
00:14:25,648 --> 00:14:27,699
She tricked me
into pushing that wobbly cart.
357
00:14:27,850 --> 00:14:30,517
A-And now she must've placed
that panini press precariously.
358
00:14:30,579 --> 00:14:33,279
I say, she's faux-hurt
from that yogurt.
359
00:14:33,373 --> 00:14:35,281
Oh, my back.
360
00:14:35,433 --> 00:14:38,668
I'm in an expensive amount
of pain.
361
00:14:39,862 --> 00:14:41,028
(sighs):
God, I'm such a dumbass.
362
00:14:41,089 --> 00:14:42,622
I had a chance
at something huge,
363
00:14:42,716 --> 00:14:44,790
and I blew it in the most
cliché way imaginable.
364
00:14:44,885 --> 00:14:48,444
I skipped all the fun J.Lo stuff
and went straight to Gigli.
365
00:14:48,504 --> 00:14:50,037
You didn't blow anything.
366
00:14:50,098 --> 00:14:51,781
You'll pop that sucker out,
367
00:14:51,799 --> 00:14:53,374
get a Curves membership,
and get back
368
00:14:53,435 --> 00:14:55,268
to Tight Butt Fly Girl City.
369
00:14:55,419 --> 00:14:58,229
(sighs) Yeah, if my mom
doesn't kill me first.
370
00:14:58,422 --> 00:15:00,957
(echoing): Jenny, she'll accept
it. She'll know what to do.
371
00:15:01,017 --> 00:15:03,234
-(heart beating)
-Everything will be okay.
372
00:15:03,386 --> 00:15:06,220
-(baby crying)
-Come on, work with Mama here.
373
00:15:06,323 --> 00:15:07,572
Come on. Come on.
374
00:15:07,765 --> 00:15:09,073
WOMAN:
No, Justin.
375
00:15:09,266 --> 00:15:11,467
I told you to stop it. Ugh.
376
00:15:11,527 --> 00:15:13,894
Why can't we just
talk about it, honey?
377
00:15:13,955 --> 00:15:15,396
'Cause I hate you, Mom!
378
00:15:15,457 --> 00:15:17,081
(panting):
I need some fresh air.
379
00:15:18,293 --> 00:15:19,584
(alarm sounding)
380
00:15:19,777 --> 00:15:21,661
We got a shoplifter!
381
00:15:21,755 --> 00:15:24,480
Sure do! I think
that's Jenny Hart.
382
00:15:24,499 --> 00:15:25,739
Oh, the girl who just got
383
00:15:25,759 --> 00:15:27,500
the professional
cheerleading job?
384
00:15:27,594 --> 00:15:29,335
And now she's caught
stealing something?
385
00:15:29,429 --> 00:15:30,653
What'd she steal?
386
00:15:30,755 --> 00:15:33,431
A baker's dozen pregnancy tests.
387
00:15:33,624 --> 00:15:35,266
Negative or positive?
388
00:15:35,459 --> 00:15:37,769
Positive, brother.
389
00:15:38,772 --> 00:15:40,163
Attention, we've got
390
00:15:40,223 --> 00:15:41,664
a pregnant shoplifter
391
00:15:41,724 --> 00:15:44,275
-by the name of Jenny Hart.
-What?
392
00:15:44,468 --> 00:15:46,852
Ho, ho. You wanted us
to think you was hurt,
393
00:15:46,947 --> 00:15:49,596
but you popped up
like a baby in a king cake.
394
00:15:49,616 --> 00:15:51,449
Only thing fatter
than Tuesday is your lies.
395
00:15:51,618 --> 00:15:53,910
(gasps)
No!
396
00:15:57,073 --> 00:16:00,291
So, not only did you find out
you were pregnant with me
397
00:16:00,484 --> 00:16:02,627
at a Mega Lo Mart bathroom,
but the cherry
398
00:16:02,778 --> 00:16:05,871
on this ambrosia salad is that
you immediately got arrested?
399
00:16:06,024 --> 00:16:08,541
Well, don't forget,
I also had just pulled off
400
00:16:08,635 --> 00:16:13,495
the most amazing, epic slip-and-
fall in Mega Lo Mart history.
401
00:16:13,556 --> 00:16:14,847
But you were immediately busted.
402
00:16:18,036 --> 00:16:19,960
Ow! Can I just finish my story?
403
00:16:20,021 --> 00:16:21,813
I mean,
does it even matter what I...
404
00:16:21,964 --> 00:16:23,055
WAYNE:
The mixture
of banana fluffernutter
405
00:16:23,149 --> 00:16:25,132
and Sex on the Beach Slusheritos
406
00:16:25,193 --> 00:16:26,726
was only going to buy me
so much time,
407
00:16:26,878 --> 00:16:28,987
but I knew,
where there's a will,
408
00:16:29,155 --> 00:16:30,321
there's a Wayne.
409
00:16:31,658 --> 00:16:32,824
Don't cry, little buddy.
410
00:16:33,017 --> 00:16:35,827
I'm getting you home safe.
411
00:16:36,020 --> 00:16:37,829
(engine starts)
412
00:16:37,998 --> 00:16:39,163
(shouts)
413
00:16:39,356 --> 00:16:41,407
No! Not now.
414
00:16:41,559 --> 00:16:43,167
Not after all of this.
415
00:16:43,319 --> 00:16:45,169
It was gonna take a miracle
to pull this one off.
416
00:16:45,362 --> 00:16:49,507
And then, sure enough,
one pulled up right next to me.
417
00:16:49,700 --> 00:16:52,585
Looks like your milk truck
is past its expiration date.
418
00:16:52,721 --> 00:16:55,162
It sure is. Oh, my God.
419
00:16:55,181 --> 00:16:57,998
You're professional wrestler
turned movie star Bear Vulcano.
420
00:16:58,059 --> 00:17:00,000
You drive a flower truck?
421
00:17:00,020 --> 00:17:03,003
Course I do. I used to haul
weapons-grade nitroglycerin,
422
00:17:03,023 --> 00:17:06,024
but then I realized I don't have
to prove anything to anybody.
423
00:17:06,217 --> 00:17:10,603
I like flowers and wrestling
and acting, in that order.
424
00:17:10,697 --> 00:17:12,755
That is so cool,
Real Bear Vulcano.
425
00:17:12,815 --> 00:17:15,758
Wait a minute. You got room
in there for a load of dairy?
426
00:17:15,777 --> 00:17:19,945
Are peonies the perfect flower
for dads and grads?
427
00:17:20,098 --> 00:17:22,689
(chuckles) Yeah.
We got the creams in on time.
428
00:17:22,751 --> 00:17:25,451
That's it? I mean,
I love the Bear Vulcano cameo,
429
00:17:25,545 --> 00:17:27,378
I just through there would be
an explosion or something.
430
00:17:27,530 --> 00:17:29,130
(chuckles):
Oh, there was.
431
00:17:33,336 --> 00:17:35,202
-Who's this?
-My ex.
432
00:17:35,263 --> 00:17:38,205
She thinks I'm not a real man
because I'm too emotional.
433
00:17:38,266 --> 00:17:41,059
Guess I'm not the big,
masculine hero she needs.
434
00:17:42,920 --> 00:17:45,897
Your ex sounds like a real turd.
435
00:17:46,048 --> 00:17:47,548
There's nothing more manly
than getting
436
00:17:47,650 --> 00:17:51,143
in a no-holds-barred cage match
with your emotions.
437
00:17:51,237 --> 00:17:53,646
I want to thank you,
Real Bear Vulcano.
438
00:17:53,740 --> 00:17:55,131
No, thank you.
439
00:17:55,191 --> 00:17:56,908
Any day I get to hand someone
a flower
440
00:17:57,059 --> 00:17:58,484
and tell them
it's gonna be okay,
441
00:17:58,620 --> 00:18:00,411
that's a win for me.
442
00:18:02,290 --> 00:18:04,582
My flowers! The nitro!
443
00:18:04,733 --> 00:18:06,976
Great, bravo. I love
how you brought it home.
444
00:18:07,036 --> 00:18:08,811
Now, Mom, where were we?
445
00:18:08,830 --> 00:18:10,421
Well, there's not much else
to tell.
446
00:18:10,614 --> 00:18:12,423
I still didn't have the courage
to face Mother,
447
00:18:12,575 --> 00:18:13,883
so I went and hid
in the back of the store.
448
00:18:19,307 --> 00:18:22,850
(sighs)
Ugh, sweating for two.
449
00:18:24,128 --> 00:18:26,771
-Oh, sorry.
-WAYNE: No worries.
450
00:18:26,922 --> 00:18:28,272
Just restocking the nogs.
451
00:18:28,465 --> 00:18:31,000
Hang on. You were
in the back of the store,
452
00:18:31,060 --> 00:18:33,836
-like, the dairy section?
-Yeah, why?
453
00:18:33,896 --> 00:18:36,689
(gasps)
No freaking way.
454
00:18:36,825 --> 00:18:39,117
-You okay, ma'am?
-No, nothing's okay.
455
00:18:39,285 --> 00:18:41,510
Everyone had such
high expectations for me,
456
00:18:41,529 --> 00:18:42,954
and then I let them all down.
457
00:18:43,147 --> 00:18:44,938
WAYNE:
Aw, who cares
what everyone thinks?
458
00:18:45,074 --> 00:18:47,683
Being a hero
isn't about impressing people.
459
00:18:47,743 --> 00:18:49,710
It's about being there
when someone needs you.
460
00:18:51,247 --> 00:18:54,173
Yeah, now there's really
someone who needs me.
461
00:18:55,301 --> 00:18:56,450
Hey.
462
00:18:56,511 --> 00:18:58,302
I know what'll cheer you up.
463
00:18:59,330 --> 00:19:00,787
JENNY:
Aw, a violet.
464
00:19:00,849 --> 00:19:02,198
(chuckles)
Pretty.
465
00:19:02,216 --> 00:19:04,717
Oh, my God, that was you.
466
00:19:04,811 --> 00:19:06,886
You were the man
that gave me that flower.
467
00:19:07,021 --> 00:19:10,039
We met before
we ever actually met?
468
00:19:10,057 --> 00:19:12,150
How crazy is that?
469
00:19:12,301 --> 00:19:13,467
VIOLET:
So dumb.
470
00:19:13,528 --> 00:19:16,154
So, it turns out
Wayne actually named me?
471
00:19:16,322 --> 00:19:18,972
Huh. Yeah, I guess
he sort of did.
472
00:19:19,033 --> 00:19:21,050
That is so stupid.
473
00:19:21,152 --> 00:19:23,828
How much dumber
could this dumb story get?
474
00:19:24,021 --> 00:19:26,572
Well, it does get
a teeny bit dumber.
475
00:19:26,724 --> 00:19:28,416
See, when I walked back
to the front of the store...
476
00:19:33,456 --> 00:19:35,080
What's all this?
477
00:19:35,233 --> 00:19:38,825
A showering of gifts
for the baby, my baby.
478
00:19:38,887 --> 00:19:40,569
I got you these.
479
00:19:40,630 --> 00:19:42,829
Jenny, I'm so sorry
I said all that stuff earlier.
480
00:19:42,849 --> 00:19:44,407
If I had known,
I would have said it
481
00:19:44,467 --> 00:19:46,500
behind your back, at church,
482
00:19:46,519 --> 00:19:49,578
under the guise of asking people
to pray for you.
483
00:19:49,639 --> 00:19:52,081
But I think you're gonna be
a great mom.
484
00:19:52,141 --> 00:19:53,916
Aw, thanks, Louise.
485
00:19:54,018 --> 00:19:56,009
I got you some baby bibs.
486
00:19:56,070 --> 00:19:58,512
This one says "Goo Goo"
in the Google font.
487
00:19:58,573 --> 00:20:00,589
What a humorous use of typeface.
488
00:20:00,650 --> 00:20:02,925
These are Mega Lo Mart Dumpers.
489
00:20:02,985 --> 00:20:04,593
They can't legally
be called diapers
490
00:20:04,654 --> 00:20:07,613
'cause they contain
trace amounts of fiberglass,
491
00:20:07,765 --> 00:20:09,356
which technically
makes them insulation.
492
00:20:09,459 --> 00:20:10,783
That's very thoughtful.
493
00:20:10,877 --> 00:20:12,376
Dance shoes?
494
00:20:12,528 --> 00:20:14,620
I think these might be
a little big for the baby.
495
00:20:14,714 --> 00:20:16,622
They are not for the baby,
dummy.
496
00:20:16,758 --> 00:20:18,624
They are for you,
'cause being a mom
497
00:20:18,718 --> 00:20:20,793
does not mean you got
to give up on your dreams.
498
00:20:20,887 --> 00:20:22,386
Yeah, it's just a curveball.
499
00:20:22,555 --> 00:20:25,539
Some milk guy told
me the same thing.
500
00:20:25,600 --> 00:20:27,207
(all gasp)
501
00:20:27,268 --> 00:20:29,727
Mother, I already know
what you're gonna say.
502
00:20:29,920 --> 00:20:31,878
Okay? You're disappointed.
503
00:20:31,898 --> 00:20:35,066
(shushes) You're right.
I am disappointed.
504
00:20:35,259 --> 00:20:38,051
I'm disappointed
that you were afraid to tell me,
505
00:20:38,112 --> 00:20:41,739
because I will always be
there for you,
506
00:20:41,932 --> 00:20:43,783
no matter what.
507
00:20:45,528 --> 00:20:49,488
Now, some of you are skimping
on your shower gifts.
508
00:20:49,582 --> 00:20:52,583
This is my grandbaby
we're talking about.
509
00:20:52,735 --> 00:20:56,587
Let's turn this shower
into a waterfall, y'all.
510
00:21:00,301 --> 00:21:02,260
VIOLET:
Wow, they threw you an impromptu
511
00:21:02,453 --> 00:21:03,486
Black Friday baby shower?
512
00:21:03,546 --> 00:21:05,245
Man, the people in this town
513
00:21:05,265 --> 00:21:06,913
really look out
for each other, don't they?
514
00:21:06,975 --> 00:21:08,749
They sure do.
515
00:21:08,768 --> 00:21:11,251
-(air horn blowing)
-Let's do it!
516
00:21:11,312 --> 00:21:13,104
(excited shouting)
517
00:21:14,607 --> 00:21:16,499
Someone crowd-surf me
over to the headphones.
518
00:21:16,559 --> 00:21:18,017
My tube top is slipping.
519
00:21:18,111 --> 00:21:20,503
-Someone's biting me.
-I'm biting someone!
520
00:21:20,563 --> 00:21:22,947
I found a tube top, babies!
521
00:21:26,619 --> 00:21:28,119
MANAGER WEBB:
Whoa, whoa, man. Hey!
522
00:21:28,288 --> 00:21:29,695
(glass shatters)
523
00:21:29,847 --> 00:21:31,580
-(meows)
-(horn honks musically)