(groans) I'm gonna need a stronger stream.
Oh! Gross!
Eh, close enough.
Hey, Jenny, why the hell are you cleaning out
dookie chairs before your shift starts, girl?
It's called "going the extra mile."
I'm dropping hints left and right to Louise
that I deserve a raise.
Dropping hints for a raise? That never works.
Well, if I just storm up to her and demand a raise,
she'll think I'm being unladylike and rude
-and just shut me down. -Yeah. That's why I avoided all that
and just gave myself a raise,
in the form of free toilet paper,
cleaning supplies, and most of the lesser ordered fish.
I don't want sand dabs and TP. I want cash.
"Mon-nee." And I know how to get it.
I speak "Louise."
Watch this.
Oh, hey, Louise. Ugh, sorry.
Oh, I'm out here just cleaning out
these real dirty high chairs.
I hope you don't mind. I didn't clock in yet.
I'm just doing it on my own time.
(chuckles) Totally don't mind, extra mile.
Well, what I wish somebody would do
is clean up all this garbage.
I hope somebody does that.
Somebody might be working on it.
Wait. What are you doing?
Giving myself a bonus in the form of high-test petroleum.
Aah! Freakin' 89 octane?
Come on, Louise, give me the good stuff.
♪ ♪
And then I went and organized the walk-in fridge.
So, mission accomplished.
Louise would have to be blind not to get the message.
Wait. What is the message again?
Wayne, duh. That I want a raise.
Jenny, I didn't even know the point of your story
until just now.
Why don't you just say it?
I did. I practically screamed it.
Believe me, it's crystal clear.
After washing the poopy high chairs,
I made sure to go inside,
panting, sweating and sighing loudly
in her presence.
(loud, exhausted sigh)
That's a huge neon sign that says:
"I am busting my ass off for you."
Then, to let her know, loud and clear,
how much I need more money, I let her catch me
fixing the strap on my purse with tape.
(groans loudly)
Which screams: "Hello. I'm a poor person
making the best of it."
And then, while scrolling through my phone, I said...
Huh. Oh, wow.
...to get her to say...
-What, Jenny? -So that I could point out
that the cost of living has gone up
for three consecutive quarters.
Jenny, asking for a raise is not the time
for the typical passive-aggressive
-Southern lady stuff. -Rude.
Vi, I'm so sorry I can't make
your parent-teacher night tonight.
I swear I'll make the next one.
Gram's been getting ready all day
to make her grand return to her alma mater.
Violet, I should warn you.
Tonight's parent-slash-teacher conference
might end up turning into a Oh, My Lord, She's Back!
Slash Who, Princess Di?
No, Better Than That
Colon Greenpoint High's Own Betty Jean Bryant! conference.
Come on, Vi, I can't wait for you to see this.
Your stock's about to go up.
Oh, no.
Violet, I'm so sorry.
Oh, Mother, no. This is gonna be amazing.
There's nothing more deliciously tragic
than someone who peaked in high school.
Oh, come on, now, Betty didn't peak in high school.
Greenpoint High School, we make 'em say wow!
When we walk onto the field, it goes pow, pow...
-(loud thump) -Paah!
Okay, I cooter-slammed onto a pine cone.
(pop music playing faintly)
(groans)
Okay, here's where you get your raise.
Or, more likely, find out that Louise
didn't catch any of your drifts.
Oh, Lord, y'all. Jenny. Just the person I want to see.
Told you. Somebody's drift got caught.
Raise time!
We have got a serious bathroom situation.
Some crazy woman is hogging the stall.
Oh, no. We got a stall camper?
How long's she been in there? Five, ten minutes?
35 minutes, Jenny!
I'm hurtling towards a UTI.
There's two stalls, Norma. Just use the other one.
Oh, Jenny, you know that other toilet's out of commission
due to all the tampons and shrimp
that people keep flushing down it.
Nobody saw who it is?
All we know is she's wearing blue Skoocher Ship-Shapes.
Why don't y'all just go in there
and just tell her to get the hell out?
(women gasping)
Now, I'm with Bud on this one.
Just go knock on the door and say, "Hurry it up!"
Are you nuts? We don't talk to each other in the bathroom.
Why not?
'Cause we don't make sounds in there.
We have a protocol.
If you walk in, and there's another woman in the stall,
you wait politely.
If she needs more time, she'll give you a throat clear.
And then the woman in waiting responds with a throat clear
that says, "I respect your space, honey."
What if you have to fart?
BOBBIE NELL: If the bathroom's empty?
Anything goes.
But as soon as someone walks i, you got to hold everything.
If something is halfway out,
you best vacuum it back in.
What? Oh, no!
That's insane!
It is a system that has been in place since time began.
I mean, I'm assuming.
You don't need a damn system.
You know what we do in the men's room?
Anything and everything.
(video game music playing)
I'll take the order and sanity of the women's room any day.
-Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. -Yeah! I agree!
Now, let's get back to the problem at hand.
Has anyone given her a throat clear?
Isn't she supposed to do the first one?
If you don't get a throat clear first,
you can initiate.
I'm gonna go in there and see what's what.
(taking deep breath): Okay.
(clearing throat softly)
(clearing throat loudly)
(clearing throat)
(drips echoing)
What the...?
This woman is a nightmare!
(others chattering, groaning)
Sorry I keep getting recognized, y'all.
Yes, it's me,
Betty Jean Hart, née Bryant.
Lord, I know this is supposed to be about you, hon.
It's not gonna be.
But it's supposed to be.
Oh, my Lord, your gram looks amazing.
-What did I miss? -Five words:
She went here. Glory days.
(gasps)
Well, if it isn't my Mr. Erickson. (gasps)
Wait. He taught chemistry when you went here?
He sure did.
And just like David LeRoth says:
I was hot for teacher.
Oh, wow. She is really feeling herself.
These innuendos are en fuego.
Somebody call the fuego department,
'cause I'm about to fan the flames.
You know, Mr. Erickson sure does use a lot of Bunsen burners.
His buns will be burning
once I'm done slapping 'em silly.
Oh, we're also learning about protons and ions.
I have an i-on his bulge.
Amazing. What can you do with...
-a beaker? -Beaker? Mm.
Sounds like Mr. Erickson's box spring later tonight.
(imitating creaking): Be-ker, be-ker, be-ker.
-(gasps) Amazing. -Very high degree of difficulty.
(huffs) This woman is ruining everything!
Am I missing something here? Just be direct.
Trust me. It has to be handled
in a very specific and delicate way.
Watch this.
Jenny, that squatter sure is a problem.
(sighs) She sure is, Louise.
I sure wish someone could get her out.
Oh, preach, girlfriend.
If someone could get her out, that person would be
a real valuable employee, wouldn't they?
Oh, my gosh, it would be very appreciated.
(both sigh loudly)
Oh, my God. Did you pick up on that?
Well, why don't you tell me what you think just happened.
Clearly, she's offering me a raise
to get that woman out of the restroom.
This is the height of dumbness.
A smart person would see how smart it is.
-What? -Nothing!
Folks, we interrupt tonight's live finale
of Who Wants A New Penis?
to bring you this breaking story.
Some lady psychopath has broken every societal norm
by camping out in a public restroom
and ignoring multiple throat clears. Ooh-wee-woo.
Normally I get juiced up by chaos,
but this mess is a nightmare.
There are ways of getting a woman out of a restroom
without asking directly like an animal.
It's very simple. Watch this.
Somebody get me a boombox
-and a ska CD! -What?
(ska music playing)
(banging loudly)
(leaf blower whirring loudly)
"My Life in the Black Eyed Pea, by Taboo.
"Chapter One: In the summer of 2001,
I met apl.de.ap."
(groans)
♪ ♪
(horn toots)
(toilet flushing)
(horn tooting)
I saw you. You're done. You've done your business.
-(gasps, groans) -Ooh, ooh, Jenny!
Jenny Hart, any updates on the situation in there?
-You're just gonna speak righ... -Get out of my face, MayKay!
(horn tooting)
(indistinct chatter)
Randy, I've heard enough talking.
Jenny needs action to help her get that raise.
What would my favorite action heroes do?
Now, Steven Seagal would put on Asian lady's pajamas
and start doing some sleepy karate.
Okay, not that.
Oh. Sarah Connor. That would mean
I would have to father a robot-taming baby...
Nah, I don't have time for that.
What I really gotta do is get in that bathroom.
How about through the vents, baby?
Oh, yeah. That's it.
Time for John McClane.
You about to do a Die Hard?
With a vengeance.
Come on. Push me harder.
-Lift me higher. -RANDY: I'm trying.
I don't have any strength in my limbs, baby. I'm all core.
My arms and legs are like noodles.
♪ ♪
Mmm. He's still got it.
The good news is, so do I.
My senior year talent show,
we had a moment he couldn't forget even if he tried.
♪ All the boys think she's a spy ♪
♪ She's got Bette Davis eyes. ♪
(excited chatter)
♪ ♪
-Good job. -(exhales)
Well, hello, Mr. Erickson.
It's me, Betty Jean Bryant.
Sorry, not ringing a bell.
Wait, what? Now, wh...
(all gasp)
Fire drill!
♪ Catch me, Jesus, I'm falling ♪
Okay, y'all, enough of this mess.
I appreciate all your thoughts and prayers,
but if you are standing in this restaurant,
you have got to order something.
Lookie-loos, you got to order.
Reverends, you got to order.
Asian film crew, y'all need to order, too.
Choir, you can sing your order.
John 3:16 guys, you got to order.
Y'all all got to order.
Oh, my God, that's it.
Somebody hand me
-a frickin' menu. -(all gasp)
How could Mr. Erickson not remember me?
It makes zero sense.
I have been told I am medically unforgettable.
Uh-oh, this is real.
I know. If it were a movie, I'd own it in every format.
But this has zero rewatchability.
If Mr. Erickson doesn't remember me,
then maybe no one else does, either.
Gram, don't worry, we still love you.
Of course you love me. You're my grandbaby.
Come on, let's just get out of here.
Screw that. I know what I got to do.
I've got to recreate my legendary performance
at this assembly.
Betty Jean Bryant Davis Eyes rides again.
Oh, no. I think we have to help her, David.
Yeah. Or else act three of this rom-com is gonna be real sad.
These ducts are so much smaller than they are in the movies.
And dirtier.
(yells) Oh, my God!
-(hisses) -(screams)
Fine. Take my dumb lighter.
It's not like you know how to use it anyway.
Oh, crap. What did you do, Wayne?
You just gave possums fire.
-You idiot. -(all hissing)
You can't make that poor lady order
and eat food on the toilet.
I mean... (scoffs) girl, I'll eat anywhere.
Snarfing down corn dogs at the gyno? That's my jam.
But on a toilet? No way.
That's the point.
(exhales)
Hey, how y'all doing today? Have you dined with us before?
(laughs) No worries.
Got a menu right here for you.
Let me tell you a little bit about our specials today.
We've got a stuffed flounder which comes with a baked potato
and our signature jalapeño hush puppies. Yum.
And our chef is really letting it rip
with a southwestern shrimp entree on a bed of rice pilaf.
Any of this striking your fancy?
Yeah, you don't want to eat on the toilet.
Don't blame you. Kind of gross.
(gasps)
She wants clam strips!
-(all yelling, groaning) -No!
Clams on the toilet?!
-♪ ♪ -(horses neighing)
Mighty nice clams today.
Thank you, Lord, for this bounty.
(bell clanging)
Great haul today, Jebediah.
This is the saddest part. Watching them go.
I only wish I could be there to witness the moment
when some lucky person gets to enjoy them.
For to be in the presence of these clams
is to be in the presence of God Himself.
JENNY: Here are your toilet clams, you weird monster.
You happy now?
(indistinct chatter, shushing)
She wants tartar sauce.
(all yelling, groaning)
"Come out to the Last Supper, we'll get you a quick raise,
in and out. Yeah."
Aha! Here we are. Showtime.
You in there, please evacuate,
or you will be manually extracted through this vent.
And trust me, you do not want that.
There's a nasty possum up here
that you do not want to mess with.
Oh, God, it's the ceiling ghost.
I didn't want to make those toilet clams.
WAYNE: Oh, sorry. (chuckles)
Just trying to get to the women's bathroom.
Uh, n-not in the creepy way. The hero way.
(cheering and applause)
And that concludes our events for tonight's open house.
Wrong! Hit it, David.
("Bette Davis Eyes" playing)
♪ Her hair is Harpo goal ♪
♪ Her lips are speedy guys ♪
♪ Her hands are never coal ♪
♪ She got Betty Bryant eyes ♪
♪ She's precoated ♪
♪ And she knows, mm, yeah, yeah ♪
(babbling)
♪ Po-bush ♪
♪ She got Gerta Darbo standoff flies ♪
♪ She got ♪
♪ Betty Bryant eyes. ♪
Remember me now, Mr. Erickson?
(grunts)
Ooh...
Okay, yes. Of course I remember you.
You're that girl I one time
said "good job" to, and then you thought I was in love with you.
I even tried to get a restraining order against you,
and they said "It wouldn't look good."
I thought I was done with you, but now you're back?
Ugh.
Well, on the bright side, at least he remembered you.
There's no bright side. My glory days were a fraud.
Clearly a figment of my imagination.
So what I thought was my peak was just a whiff,
a zero, a total airball.
Gram, you know what I think?
You didn't peak in high school, you're peaking right now.
You know what everyone's gonna be talking about after today?
Betty Jean Bryant.
♪ ♪
Yeah, I guess you're right.
Let's get out of here.
I always was too good for this place.
(inhales sharply) I'm in a bathroom
serving tartar sauce to a woman on a toilet?
And why? Why did I have to go
and tie my raise to a stupid stunt?
Because I have been taught it's not ladylike
to directly ask for what I want, that's why.
And look at you. You're in the same boat.
All you want is to be left alone.
Probably came in here, accidentally let one fly,
which is also "so unladylike,"
and then that little voice came into your head saying
"You're not allowed to fart."
"You're not allowed to ask for a raise."
"You're not allowed to be president."
Well, this ends now.
You know what? Stay in here as long as you want.
WAYNE (laughs): Oh, my God, Jenny.
-Great speech. -Thanks, Wayne.
Are you Die Hardin' it up there?
WAYNE: You know it. 'Cause it was time to take action
and get something done.
Well, as you can see, I just got it done.
I still think the direct approach would've been better.
What's direct about crawling around in the ceiling?
(woman clears throat)
(gasps)
Oh, got it. I hear you, girl.
Ha. You do you.
WAYNE: Message received. Scooting out.
(heavy thumping overhead)
That toilet lady has pushed me to my limit,
but I'm hanging in there.
-You just speak into the bulb... -I know where to speak.
-Everybody, listen up. -(others shushing)
Instead of harassing that poor lady,
we should be asking ourselves why we were so quick
to label her a monster.
We go in bathrooms afraid to make a sound,
and we go to work afraid to stand up for ourselves.
We are literally and figuratively afraid
to make a stink.
Well, I say: ladies, let's make a stink.
Louise Culp, I want a raise! Boom.
-(cheering and applause) -♪ Catch me, Jesus, I'm falling ♪
Hell yeah. I'm gonna tell my boss I want a raise, too.
-Enough is enough! -Yeah!
Jenny. (stammers)
Well, I was gonna give you a raise all day today.
(toilet flushes)
(people gasping)
My name's Darlene Sims...
...and yes, I destroyed your toilet.
(all gasp)
(cheering and applause)
Darlene, that is so brave.
I was on my way to the most
important job interview of my life.
And like many women, I have chronic anxious IBS.
Let it out, Darlene, baby.
And I want y'all to know, it was coming out of me
the second I walked into your bathroom.
Let me paint a picture.
JENNY: And so, Darlene Sims openly shared
her bathroom journey with a level of detail
that few women have publicly expressed.
And the inspiration was infectious.
And as we continued to share stories
of struggle and triumph, one thing became clear:
our days of holding it in were finally over.
Run! Possum's right behind me!
And he's got fire, which he totally had when I met him!
ANNOUNCER: Please welcome to the stage,
from the upcoming comedy Forty-Nine Hands,
Carl Joharnsarn and Bethany Vallway.
And the winner for best foreign-language
short-form documentary.
From Japan, Hiroki Kakatani's A Stall Too Far: How One
Tiny Woman Held a Bathroom Mirror
Up to a Small Town and Their Beliefs.
ANNOUNCER: This is Hiroki's 15th nomination and first win
(speaking Japanese)
Jenny Hart... (continues in Japanese)
-Oh, my Lord, oh, my Lord! -Yeah!
-We're famous! -(cheers)
-(meows) -(horn honks musically)