1 00:00:03,341 --> 00:00:05,400 (moaning) 2 00:00:07,437 --> 00:00:09,362 Ugh, I hate when people do that. He clearly just wants someone 3 00:00:09,514 --> 00:00:10,864 to ask what he's sighing about. 4 00:00:11,015 --> 00:00:12,699 I mean, get to the point, Miss Thing. 5 00:00:12,926 --> 00:00:13,867 I'm trying to restart "Miss Thing." 6 00:00:14,094 --> 00:00:17,595 Well, it was fun while it lasted, I guess, 7 00:00:17,688 --> 00:00:20,373 but I guess hard work and a lifetime of public service 8 00:00:20,525 --> 00:00:23,543 means nothing to this town. 9 00:00:23,694 --> 00:00:26,046 Mayor Webb does this every time his term is up. 10 00:00:26,197 --> 00:00:29,865 He just mopes around until somebody begs him to run again. 11 00:00:29,959 --> 00:00:31,718 Well, thank God for the Last Supper. 12 00:00:31,887 --> 00:00:33,553 'Cause when I'm no longer mayor, 13 00:00:33,722 --> 00:00:35,889 this here booth's gonna be my home. 14 00:00:36,058 --> 00:00:37,373 Oh, no, no, no, no, we cannot have 15 00:00:37,467 --> 00:00:38,391 that Eeyore here all the time. 16 00:00:38,618 --> 00:00:39,801 He will drive us crazy. 17 00:00:39,895 --> 00:00:41,728 You know what? I'm gonna get ahead of this, 18 00:00:41,879 --> 00:00:43,454 go over there and give him a little pep talk. 19 00:00:43,548 --> 00:00:45,548 Here's the pep talk Mayor Webb needs: 20 00:00:45,642 --> 00:00:47,458 shave those face pubes, cry less, 21 00:00:47,552 --> 00:00:50,570 move out of your mother's condo, kill yourself. 22 00:00:50,739 --> 00:00:53,147 Mayor Webb, I just came over here to say we all want you 23 00:00:53,283 --> 00:00:54,390 to run for reelection. 24 00:00:54,484 --> 00:00:55,633 The town needs you, man. 25 00:00:55,652 --> 00:00:58,303 Really? Aw, that's so nice. 26 00:00:58,321 --> 00:01:00,805 I mean, I wasn't fishing or anything, but thank you 27 00:01:00,898 --> 00:01:03,583 for your unprompted support. 28 00:01:03,752 --> 00:01:07,087 Speaking of, my mother usually helps with my campaign, 29 00:01:07,314 --> 00:01:10,148 but... (crying) 30 00:01:10,241 --> 00:01:11,816 ...she passed. 31 00:01:11,985 --> 00:01:14,652 Oh, really? Oh, Mayor Webb, I'm so sorry. 32 00:01:14,671 --> 00:01:17,880 No, no, it's totally fine. 33 00:01:17,933 --> 00:01:20,658 I guess maybe I could help you? 34 00:01:20,751 --> 00:01:22,102 Whoa, jackpot! (laughs) 35 00:01:22,253 --> 00:01:25,163 Hey, see you tomorrow, Ms. Campaign Manager. 36 00:01:25,181 --> 00:01:26,514 Campaign manager? 37 00:01:26,608 --> 00:01:28,817 ♪ ♪ 38 00:01:59,048 --> 00:02:01,032 Explain to me again why Mayor Webb 39 00:02:01,125 --> 00:02:02,367 needs a campaign manager. 40 00:02:02,460 --> 00:02:04,035 He's running unopposed. 41 00:02:04,053 --> 00:02:05,478 Is he scared he might lose to Greenpoint's 42 00:02:05,705 --> 00:02:08,206 favorite write-in candidate, "Farts"? 43 00:02:08,224 --> 00:02:10,558 I know it's ridiculous, but I had no choice. 44 00:02:10,652 --> 00:02:12,301 If he doesn't win, he's gonna be hanging around 45 00:02:12,470 --> 00:02:13,878 the Last Supper constantly. 46 00:02:13,971 --> 00:02:16,397 Plus, did you know his mother just passed away? 47 00:02:16,549 --> 00:02:18,733 Oh, no. He must be devastated. 48 00:02:18,885 --> 00:02:20,735 They're so, mm, weirdly close. 49 00:02:20,887 --> 00:02:22,553 Weren't they married at some point? 50 00:02:22,647 --> 00:02:24,164 I'm pretty sure that's just a rumor. 51 00:02:24,391 --> 00:02:26,073 See, I love that nobody ever runs against Webb, 52 00:02:26,168 --> 00:02:28,893 because I can't stand what elections do to people. 53 00:02:28,986 --> 00:02:31,896 Arguments breaking out, Thanksgivings ruined, 54 00:02:32,065 --> 00:02:34,490 the normally calming oases of Facebook and Twitter 55 00:02:34,584 --> 00:02:36,083 becoming war zones. 56 00:02:36,178 --> 00:02:38,720 I honestly wish every election was unopposed. 57 00:02:39,514 --> 00:02:40,922 -What? -Yeah. 58 00:02:41,090 --> 00:02:44,017 Just one guy-- or lady-- in every election. 59 00:02:44,244 --> 00:02:47,261 It makes it easier on everybody. No choice necessary. 60 00:02:47,430 --> 00:02:50,523 Wayne, I don't know how to tell you this, but that's fascism. 61 00:02:50,750 --> 00:02:52,099 (scoffs) No way. 62 00:02:52,194 --> 00:02:54,769 It's just one person who looks out for us, 63 00:02:54,921 --> 00:02:58,180 and we do not question him, no matter what. 64 00:02:58,274 --> 00:03:00,849 How can you vote and I can't? 65 00:03:00,944 --> 00:03:02,535 Why are you helping that fool? 66 00:03:02,687 --> 00:03:05,020 A dustpan with a face would be a better mayor. 67 00:03:05,114 --> 00:03:07,040 Even the guy I usually vote for, Farts, 68 00:03:07,191 --> 00:03:08,599 would make a better mayor. 69 00:03:08,693 --> 00:03:10,618 Now here's a town in Texas that has a cute 70 00:03:10,787 --> 00:03:12,212 little doggy for a mayor. 71 00:03:12,439 --> 00:03:15,122 They used to be known for having a lake that caught on fire. 72 00:03:15,217 --> 00:03:16,716 I mean, the lake is still on fire, 73 00:03:16,867 --> 00:03:18,867 but now they got a dog mayor. 74 00:03:18,962 --> 00:03:21,387 That's what you call smart PR. 75 00:03:21,556 --> 00:03:22,722 What do you have against Webb? 76 00:03:22,949 --> 00:03:24,724 That man's had a personal vendetta against me 77 00:03:24,951 --> 00:03:26,542 since the moment he took office. 78 00:03:26,636 --> 00:03:28,394 Okay, Miss Thing. 79 00:03:30,047 --> 00:03:31,547 What? I heard that's coming back. 80 00:03:31,641 --> 00:03:34,067 Why, just last week, that dumb-butt Webb 81 00:03:34,236 --> 00:03:35,643 refused to waive a parking ticket 82 00:03:35,737 --> 00:03:37,962 that I received for no reason. 83 00:03:38,055 --> 00:03:39,555 There I was, just trying 84 00:03:39,649 --> 00:03:42,967 to get myself a toasty beef sandwich. 85 00:03:42,986 --> 00:03:45,803 The Quiznos parking lot was a zoo, as always, 86 00:03:45,896 --> 00:03:49,140 so I parked in my usual spot, across the street. 87 00:03:49,158 --> 00:03:52,810 -(sirens wailing) -And they had the gall to ticket me. 88 00:03:52,903 --> 00:03:56,481 So, naturally, once I'd obtained my fresh beef sandwich, 89 00:03:56,649 --> 00:03:57,924 I marched on down to city hall 90 00:03:58,151 --> 00:04:00,334 and gave the mayor a piece of my mind. 91 00:04:00,428 --> 00:04:02,244 Betty, I can't cancel your ticket. 92 00:04:02,338 --> 00:04:03,988 You're blocking the emergency room. 93 00:04:04,007 --> 00:04:06,657 There's a sign and everything, not that it needs a sign. 94 00:04:06,676 --> 00:04:08,935 Because it's a friggin' emergency room. 95 00:04:09,162 --> 00:04:11,104 Oh, so, what-- now if you want to use that spot, 96 00:04:11,331 --> 00:04:12,997 you have to drive an ambulance? 97 00:04:13,166 --> 00:04:15,424 Everyone in town driving an ambulance? 98 00:04:15,518 --> 00:04:16,759 What, no more cars? 99 00:04:16,853 --> 00:04:19,186 Well, goodbye, Detroit. Have a nice life. 100 00:04:19,281 --> 00:04:20,989 Congrats, China, you win. 101 00:04:22,342 --> 00:04:23,283 And it's all thanks 102 00:04:23,510 --> 00:04:26,268 to Mayor Carrol "Pube Face" Webb, 103 00:04:26,321 --> 00:04:29,013 who you have chosen to work for. 104 00:04:29,182 --> 00:04:30,272 I am done talking now. 105 00:04:30,292 --> 00:04:32,625 -Storming off. -(sighs) 106 00:04:34,354 --> 00:04:37,613 Here's my office. This is where the magic happens. 107 00:04:37,782 --> 00:04:39,782 Oh, did you know I'm also an amateur magician? 108 00:04:39,950 --> 00:04:42,284 Watch the quarter. (chuckles) 109 00:04:42,304 --> 00:04:44,453 (choking) 110 00:04:44,547 --> 00:04:46,197 Ta-da. 111 00:04:46,290 --> 00:04:47,956 Let's just go over what kind of help you're gonna need. 112 00:04:48,051 --> 00:04:50,701 Knock, knock. A citizen has arrived. 113 00:04:50,795 --> 00:04:52,812 (groans) What are you doing here? 114 00:04:53,039 --> 00:04:55,005 Well, now that I have someone on the inside, 115 00:04:55,132 --> 00:04:57,966 I've got some parking tickets that need to be shredded. 116 00:04:58,135 --> 00:04:59,110 (truck beeping) 117 00:05:00,137 --> 00:05:02,137 Betty, you can't park on the grass. 118 00:05:02,306 --> 00:05:05,049 Oh, so now every inch of land has to be paved? 119 00:05:05,142 --> 00:05:07,309 No green space in the whole city? 120 00:05:07,329 --> 00:05:09,053 Think of the drainage issues. 121 00:05:09,146 --> 00:05:12,056 This man will have us living in Waterworld. 122 00:05:12,149 --> 00:05:14,559 Get used to the taste of your own filtered pee-pee, 123 00:05:14,652 --> 00:05:16,077 ladies and gentlemen. 124 00:05:16,171 --> 00:05:17,395 Get out of here, Mother. 125 00:05:17,488 --> 00:05:20,757 Gladly. Storm and slam. 126 00:05:24,087 --> 00:05:25,327 Look at that. 127 00:05:25,513 --> 00:05:27,830 You see how nice politics can be when you run unopposed? 128 00:05:27,998 --> 00:05:29,164 Now doesn't that feel good? 129 00:05:29,258 --> 00:05:31,075 No one fighting about anything. 130 00:05:31,168 --> 00:05:35,170 It's like a warm hug that says, "Shh, it's done already." 131 00:05:35,264 --> 00:05:37,648 Ooh, that's another good slogan. 132 00:05:40,436 --> 00:05:41,936 No one else is picking up on 133 00:05:42,088 --> 00:05:44,088 the obvious authoritarian vibes here? 134 00:05:44,181 --> 00:05:46,014 Just me? Cool, cool. 135 00:05:46,109 --> 00:05:49,017 Hello, Greenpointers. I'm Jenny Hart. 136 00:05:49,112 --> 00:05:50,778 (whoops) I know her! 137 00:05:50,947 --> 00:05:53,856 Hi, David. And I am proud to be the campaign manager 138 00:05:53,950 --> 00:05:54,949 for Mayor Webb. 139 00:05:55,118 --> 00:05:57,693 You all know him, you've seen him around. 140 00:05:57,787 --> 00:05:59,712 And, now, I know he's running unopposed... 141 00:05:59,939 --> 00:06:01,506 -BETTY: Or is he? -(crowd gasps) 142 00:06:02,533 --> 00:06:04,050 Dear Lord. Please do not tell me 143 00:06:04,201 --> 00:06:05,292 you are running for mayor. 144 00:06:05,387 --> 00:06:06,794 Oh, don't worry. I'm not. 145 00:06:06,888 --> 00:06:08,629 But I am the campaign manager 146 00:06:08,723 --> 00:06:10,723 for a very exciting new candidate. 147 00:06:10,892 --> 00:06:14,135 Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you 148 00:06:14,229 --> 00:06:15,561 your next mayor, 149 00:06:15,730 --> 00:06:17,805 -Root Beer. -(barking) 150 00:06:17,974 --> 00:06:19,899 Oh, please, Mother. People are not gonna fall for... 151 00:06:20,050 --> 00:06:21,567 CROWD: Aw! 152 00:06:21,736 --> 00:06:23,569 (indistinct chatter) 153 00:06:23,738 --> 00:06:25,796 A dog mayor? That'll put us on the map. 154 00:06:25,890 --> 00:06:27,389 He's wearing a cowboy hat. 155 00:06:27,483 --> 00:06:29,742 (laughs) Like a real American. 156 00:06:29,969 --> 00:06:31,469 Maybe we'll get to be on the fourth hour 157 00:06:31,487 --> 00:06:33,137 of The Today Show. 158 00:06:33,230 --> 00:06:34,488 A dog mayor? 159 00:06:34,582 --> 00:06:37,158 That's just what this town needs. 160 00:06:37,252 --> 00:06:38,976 -(crowd oohing) -(laughs) 161 00:06:39,145 --> 00:06:40,144 Root Beer licked my knee. 162 00:06:40,237 --> 00:06:42,046 -Root Beer licked my knee. -CROWD: Aw. 163 00:06:44,150 --> 00:06:45,425 Mother... 164 00:06:49,822 --> 00:06:51,505 -(barks) -(crowd cheering) 165 00:06:51,674 --> 00:06:53,824 Mother. Why are you doing this to me? 166 00:06:53,843 --> 00:06:55,601 I'm not doing it against you. 167 00:06:55,828 --> 00:06:59,388 I'm doing it against that corduroy noodle of a mayor. 168 00:06:59,441 --> 00:07:01,274 Ugh, where did you even get that dog? 169 00:07:01,501 --> 00:07:03,109 What? This is my dog. 170 00:07:03,336 --> 00:07:05,503 Come here, Root Beer. 171 00:07:05,521 --> 00:07:08,022 CROWD: Aw. 172 00:07:08,116 --> 00:07:10,432 Oh, I didn't know your mom was into politics. 173 00:07:10,452 --> 00:07:12,785 She's not. She is only into herself, 174 00:07:12,937 --> 00:07:15,012 no matter how many lives are ruined in the process. 175 00:07:15,181 --> 00:07:16,956 Our only hope now is that she loses steam 176 00:07:17,183 --> 00:07:20,126 and moves onto one of her many other vendettas. 177 00:07:20,277 --> 00:07:22,110 -(phones ringing) -BETTY: I am not losing steam. 178 00:07:22,279 --> 00:07:25,280 Cancel my many other vendettas. 179 00:07:25,374 --> 00:07:26,949 Well, good morning, sleepyhead. 180 00:07:27,043 --> 00:07:29,785 Looks like your campaign's getting off to a late start. 181 00:07:29,879 --> 00:07:32,046 Mother, it's 6:00 in the morning. 182 00:07:32,140 --> 00:07:34,122 Oh, is it that late already? 183 00:07:34,142 --> 00:07:37,960 I've had a busy morning putting together my staff. 184 00:07:37,979 --> 00:07:42,464 Including the best social media team Greenpoint has to offer. 185 00:07:42,633 --> 00:07:44,375 Sorry, Mom. We thought about it, 186 00:07:44,468 --> 00:07:46,486 and we just really want a dog mayor. 187 00:07:46,713 --> 00:07:48,379 Also, she's paying us a hundred dollars each. 188 00:07:48,472 --> 00:07:51,565 You're paying all these people? Where is this money coming from? 189 00:07:51,659 --> 00:07:53,951 The donations are rolling in. 190 00:07:55,497 --> 00:07:56,996 Hey, listen, Betty. When y'all win, 191 00:07:57,256 --> 00:07:59,073 you got to get the food inspector off my back. 192 00:07:59,167 --> 00:08:02,502 My girls can't be expected to dance in hairnets. 193 00:08:03,821 --> 00:08:05,505 Now city hall will stop bothering me 194 00:08:05,732 --> 00:08:07,081 for stealing people's mail. 195 00:08:07,250 --> 00:08:09,300 Thank you, Root Beer. 196 00:08:10,236 --> 00:08:11,902 I need to have my house rezoned. 197 00:08:11,996 --> 00:08:14,889 I want to open an American Ninja Warrior practice gym. 198 00:08:16,017 --> 00:08:18,075 So you're just openly taking bribes? 199 00:08:18,168 --> 00:08:20,094 -(phone ringing) -What the hell is going on out here? 200 00:08:20,263 --> 00:08:23,189 Just my mother finding new and unique ways to ruin my life. 201 00:08:23,416 --> 00:08:26,267 Okay, this right here is why I don't like two-party elections. 202 00:08:26,419 --> 00:08:28,269 It's already bringing out the worst in people. 203 00:08:28,421 --> 00:08:30,437 I see no other solution except that I have to go dig up 204 00:08:30,590 --> 00:08:33,774 some dirt on this dog and disappear him ASAP. 205 00:08:33,926 --> 00:08:37,912 One candidate, one choice, everyone happy, or else. 206 00:08:39,615 --> 00:08:40,856 Jenny. Bad news flash. 207 00:08:40,950 --> 00:08:42,542 A bunch of raccoons took over my office. 208 00:08:42,769 --> 00:08:44,210 It's my fault. 209 00:08:44,361 --> 00:08:45,902 I left a bunch of drinkable yogurts on the fax machine. 210 00:08:45,955 --> 00:08:48,214 We got to run the campaign out of here now. 211 00:08:48,441 --> 00:08:49,549 Oh, God. 212 00:08:49,717 --> 00:08:51,717 All right, listen, we are in a fight now. 213 00:08:51,944 --> 00:08:53,553 I am not gonna lose to her. 214 00:08:53,780 --> 00:08:55,963 Don't you mean I'm not gonna lose to that dog? 215 00:08:56,057 --> 00:08:57,039 Shut up. 216 00:08:57,133 --> 00:08:58,799 No, I changed my mind. 217 00:08:58,893 --> 00:09:00,059 I don't want you to shut up. 218 00:09:00,228 --> 00:09:01,635 I want you to get up, stand up 219 00:09:01,729 --> 00:09:03,954 And somehow transform yourself into a leader. 220 00:09:04,048 --> 00:09:06,941 Now give me a sound-bite, give me a quotable. 221 00:09:08,052 --> 00:09:10,069 My mother usually helps me with that, 222 00:09:10,220 --> 00:09:11,720 but she passed. 223 00:09:11,814 --> 00:09:13,406 (sighs) That's a terrible sound-bite. 224 00:09:13,575 --> 00:09:15,132 What is that in your hand? 225 00:09:15,225 --> 00:09:17,651 -A two-piece chicken nuggets. -What the hell? 226 00:09:17,745 --> 00:09:19,653 Do you order from a toddler's menu? 227 00:09:19,747 --> 00:09:21,655 Think about the optics. (grunts) 228 00:09:21,749 --> 00:09:25,142 Whoa. Mom, this might be a bad time to tell you this, 229 00:09:25,161 --> 00:09:26,919 'cause it seems like you're already mad, 230 00:09:27,146 --> 00:09:28,312 but I think we just made something 231 00:09:28,481 --> 00:09:29,814 that's gonna make you mad. 232 00:09:29,832 --> 00:09:31,649 -Try not to be more mad. Bye. -Consider this 233 00:09:31,742 --> 00:09:33,968 a professional courtesy. Bye. 234 00:09:35,046 --> 00:09:37,504 BETTY: America. Patriatizium. 235 00:09:37,599 --> 00:09:40,007 Greenpoint. Root Beer. 236 00:09:40,101 --> 00:09:43,510 Root Beer has what it takes to lead Greenpoint. 237 00:09:43,679 --> 00:09:44,770 He has vowed to change 238 00:09:44,997 --> 00:09:48,515 our outdated parking laws on day one. 239 00:09:48,610 --> 00:09:51,944 He will build dozens of more Quiznos. 240 00:09:52,171 --> 00:09:54,521 We need a real American hero 241 00:09:54,616 --> 00:09:57,024 to turn this crap town around. 242 00:09:57,118 --> 00:09:59,677 Root Beer proudly served overseas 243 00:09:59,695 --> 00:10:02,455 as a bomb-sniffing K-9. 244 00:10:02,682 --> 00:10:04,940 And, unlike Mayor Webb, 245 00:10:05,034 --> 00:10:08,777 Root Beer will recognize Martin Luther King Day. 246 00:10:08,871 --> 00:10:12,039 What? I love MLK. Junior and Senior. 247 00:10:12,133 --> 00:10:15,617 Real classy, Mother. Just spreading lies. 248 00:10:15,637 --> 00:10:17,887 Satisfied smirk. 249 00:10:19,289 --> 00:10:20,973 WAYNE: Thanks for agreeing to talk with me. 250 00:10:21,200 --> 00:10:23,476 I hear you have some dirt on Root Beer. 251 00:10:23,703 --> 00:10:25,460 Root Beer? Oh, yeah. 252 00:10:25,629 --> 00:10:27,872 There is a lot of dirt on this dog. 253 00:10:27,965 --> 00:10:29,798 (whoops) That's what I'm talking about. 254 00:10:29,817 --> 00:10:31,800 Well, I should say, there was a lot of dirt on him, 255 00:10:31,969 --> 00:10:34,136 when he arrived at the shelter. 256 00:10:34,304 --> 00:10:35,896 He's a hurricane survivor. 257 00:10:35,990 --> 00:10:37,231 (sighs) 258 00:10:37,383 --> 00:10:40,050 But he did give me this scar. 259 00:10:40,144 --> 00:10:41,735 -(whoops) -How else was that little hero 260 00:10:41,888 --> 00:10:44,071 gonna pull me out of my burning car? 261 00:10:44,165 --> 00:10:46,724 -(sighs) -I'll tell you one thing, though. 262 00:10:46,817 --> 00:10:50,318 That dog put a lot of kids in the hospital. 263 00:10:50,487 --> 00:10:51,912 -(whoops) -Oop-- nope, sorry. 264 00:10:52,006 --> 00:10:54,732 I should have said visited a lot of kids in the hospital. 265 00:10:54,825 --> 00:10:56,901 I don't know why I said "put." 266 00:10:56,994 --> 00:10:58,585 Oh, what is wrong with you, lady? 267 00:10:58,738 --> 00:11:01,997 Like I said, I'm not so good with people. 268 00:11:02,091 --> 00:11:03,331 Uh, you never said that. 269 00:11:03,426 --> 00:11:05,134 Welp, thanks for your no help. 270 00:11:05,244 --> 00:11:06,427 Pleasure's all mine. 271 00:11:06,595 --> 00:11:09,188 Now I got to go put all these dogs down. 272 00:11:09,373 --> 00:11:11,006 -Oh, no! -No, no, no, no, no. 273 00:11:11,100 --> 00:11:14,919 I mean it's their nap time. I'm gonna read 'em this. 274 00:11:15,012 --> 00:11:17,113 Good Lord. 275 00:11:21,351 --> 00:11:23,018 You're getting powned by a dog. 276 00:11:23,112 --> 00:11:25,371 Do you understand everyone in this town 277 00:11:25,598 --> 00:11:26,872 is working for Root Beer? 278 00:11:27,024 --> 00:11:28,690 All we have is just you, me and Wayne. 279 00:11:28,784 --> 00:11:29,616 -(door opens) -WAYNE: Guys, 280 00:11:29,785 --> 00:11:31,359 -I quit. -What? 281 00:11:31,454 --> 00:11:32,786 I tried to dig up dirt on Root Beer, 282 00:11:32,880 --> 00:11:35,122 and all I found was heroic stories. 283 00:11:35,216 --> 00:11:38,551 Do you know how many toddlers he has rescued from wells? 284 00:11:38,778 --> 00:11:40,886 26, Jenny. 26! 285 00:11:41,113 --> 00:11:42,463 He's the perfect leader. 286 00:11:42,557 --> 00:11:44,206 He wags the wag and he barks the bark. 287 00:11:44,300 --> 00:11:46,892 Does everyone forget what I've done for this town? 288 00:11:47,061 --> 00:11:49,562 I was wagging and barking for years. 289 00:11:49,731 --> 00:11:51,564 Remember when I played Sandy the dog 290 00:11:51,733 --> 00:11:53,399 in our community theater production of Annie? 291 00:11:53,568 --> 00:11:55,550 What happened to just wanting one candidate? 292 00:11:55,644 --> 00:11:58,796 Nothing. But that one candidate needs to be Root Beer. 293 00:11:58,889 --> 00:12:00,314 I think you should drop out, 294 00:12:00,408 --> 00:12:03,968 and everyone should just accept Root Beer as their leader. 295 00:12:03,986 --> 00:12:06,971 Look at this poster I made for our sovereign ruler. 296 00:12:07,064 --> 00:12:08,973 Wayne, I'm starting to hear some of the subtle stuff 297 00:12:09,141 --> 00:12:10,140 Violet was picking up on. 298 00:12:10,251 --> 00:12:12,659 Just go take your supreme leader for a walk. 299 00:12:12,754 --> 00:12:14,569 Ha-ha-ho, it would be an honor. 300 00:12:14,663 --> 00:12:17,590 Whoo, looks like it's just you and me now, Jenny. 301 00:12:17,817 --> 00:12:19,592 Yeah, I can already feel us bonding. 302 00:12:19,819 --> 00:12:21,485 Now, after we lose, 303 00:12:21,578 --> 00:12:22,961 we can take a little trip together. 304 00:12:23,097 --> 00:12:24,989 There's a Renaissance faire in Boone 305 00:12:25,157 --> 00:12:26,006 with our names on it. 306 00:12:26,100 --> 00:12:27,508 Now, I know what you're thinking-- 307 00:12:27,602 --> 00:12:28,434 "I have nothing to wear"-- 308 00:12:28,661 --> 00:12:30,494 but worry not, milady. 309 00:12:30,513 --> 00:12:32,513 You can don Mother's bar wench outfit. 310 00:12:32,607 --> 00:12:34,940 (singsongy): It's pretty revealing. 311 00:12:35,167 --> 00:12:36,591 -(laughs) -Stop, 312 00:12:36,685 --> 00:12:38,168 you baby-handed mouse. 313 00:12:38,187 --> 00:12:40,112 We are not going to the Renaissance faire 314 00:12:40,339 --> 00:12:41,947 because we are not gonna lose this election. 315 00:12:42,174 --> 00:12:43,783 We're going dirty. 316 00:12:44,010 --> 00:12:45,409 ♪ ♪ 317 00:12:53,869 --> 00:12:55,127 ♪ 318 00:12:55,354 --> 00:12:57,630 -Aah! -(all gasp) 319 00:13:07,791 --> 00:13:09,391 (people screaming, shrieking) 320 00:13:16,967 --> 00:13:19,134 JENNY: Climate change. 321 00:13:19,153 --> 00:13:20,152 Taxes. 322 00:13:20,379 --> 00:13:21,320 Gas prices. 323 00:13:21,547 --> 00:13:22,896 Long lines. 324 00:13:23,049 --> 00:13:23,972 Traffic. 325 00:13:24,141 --> 00:13:25,324 Inflation. 326 00:13:25,551 --> 00:13:27,734 Time-lapse of an elephant decomposing. 327 00:13:27,829 --> 00:13:28,643 ISIS. 328 00:13:28,663 --> 00:13:30,070 Final goodbyes. 329 00:13:30,164 --> 00:13:31,555 Root Beer. 330 00:13:31,648 --> 00:13:33,315 What do those things have in common? 331 00:13:33,483 --> 00:13:36,226 Do you really want to find out? 332 00:13:36,320 --> 00:13:38,078 I'm Mayor "Bullseye" Webb. 333 00:13:38,172 --> 00:13:39,746 And I approve this message. 334 00:13:39,899 --> 00:13:41,248 That's why they call me... 335 00:13:41,417 --> 00:13:42,916 Bullseye! (chuckles) 336 00:13:43,069 --> 00:13:46,737 How the hell did you make that, Stephanie Spleelburg? 337 00:13:46,830 --> 00:13:48,255 Let's just say I had some help 338 00:13:48,407 --> 00:13:50,424 from your former social media team. 339 00:13:50,518 --> 00:13:52,834 You little baby Judases. 340 00:13:52,928 --> 00:13:54,687 Gram, you totally stiffed us. 341 00:13:54,914 --> 00:13:57,598 And when we confronted you, you fired us. 342 00:13:57,766 --> 00:13:59,600 So much for loyalty. 343 00:13:59,752 --> 00:14:01,509 That commercial was way out of line. 344 00:14:01,604 --> 00:14:03,087 See, this is why we need Root Beer 345 00:14:03,180 --> 00:14:04,697 in charge of the media, Miss Thing. 346 00:14:04,924 --> 00:14:06,273 Okay, he's completely wrong. 347 00:14:06,442 --> 00:14:07,591 But he did nail that "Miss Thing." 348 00:14:07,684 --> 00:14:09,259 I am telling you, it is back. 349 00:14:09,353 --> 00:14:11,261 Good evening, Miss Things. 350 00:14:11,313 --> 00:14:14,356 Well, we have finally arrived at election night. 351 00:14:14,450 --> 00:14:15,782 Ooh, oh, whoa. 352 00:14:15,951 --> 00:14:18,360 Root Beer the dog had a commanding lead, 353 00:14:18,454 --> 00:14:21,547 but after a spate of horrific campaign events 354 00:14:21,698 --> 00:14:24,049 and a recent barrage of attack ads, 355 00:14:24,276 --> 00:14:26,886 experts are calling the election a toss-up. 356 00:14:27,037 --> 00:14:29,221 (cheering) 357 00:14:29,390 --> 00:14:31,281 Guys, this is almost over. 358 00:14:31,450 --> 00:14:34,560 Now, can't you two lunatics just shake hands and move on? 359 00:14:35,804 --> 00:14:37,712 Mother, like the dog you work for, 360 00:14:37,806 --> 00:14:40,215 I did not roll over. Not this time. 361 00:14:40,309 --> 00:14:41,883 You might not have rolled over, 362 00:14:41,977 --> 00:14:44,645 but in the end, you'll be playing dead. 363 00:14:44,739 --> 00:14:48,073 Wow, that could not have backfired more spectacularly. 364 00:14:48,242 --> 00:14:51,135 Breaking news. With all precincts reporting, 365 00:14:51,228 --> 00:14:52,486 we have a winner. 366 00:14:52,580 --> 00:14:56,323 Greenpoint's next mayor will be... 367 00:14:56,417 --> 00:14:57,808 ♪ ♪ 368 00:14:57,826 --> 00:15:02,312 ...Root Beer! Ooh-wee! 369 00:15:02,406 --> 00:15:03,497 -(cheering) -(barks) 370 00:15:03,591 --> 00:15:05,149 (applause) 371 00:15:05,317 --> 00:15:07,167 (whoops) Suck it, y'all! 372 00:15:07,319 --> 00:15:09,336 Things are about to change around here. 373 00:15:09,430 --> 00:15:14,324 As per Root Beer, all parking tickets are now null and void. 374 00:15:14,418 --> 00:15:17,478 -(cheering, whooping) -(barking) 375 00:15:18,998 --> 00:15:22,424 And starting right now, we're doing reverse weekends. 376 00:15:22,518 --> 00:15:25,110 Two days on, five days off. 377 00:15:25,337 --> 00:15:27,613 Party all week. 378 00:15:27,840 --> 00:15:29,097 -(whooping) -Yes! 379 00:15:29,191 --> 00:15:33,510 And stop signs are now "Hurry The Hell Up" signs! 380 00:15:33,679 --> 00:15:37,681 And instead of giving tickets, cops are now Coinstar machines. 381 00:15:37,850 --> 00:15:40,350 -And pennies are worth a dollar. -(cash register dinging) 382 00:15:40,519 --> 00:15:41,685 And dollars are worth a nickel. 383 00:15:41,854 --> 00:15:44,538 Anything can be a coupon. 384 00:15:44,632 --> 00:15:46,190 And anyone can fly any helicopter. 385 00:15:46,283 --> 00:15:48,968 And if your name starts with a "B" and ends with "Y," 386 00:15:49,195 --> 00:15:52,062 guess what-- you get one full box of wine every day. 387 00:15:52,198 --> 00:15:54,622 Also, we're bringing back milkmen, 388 00:15:54,642 --> 00:15:56,308 but only if they're hot and willing. 389 00:15:56,460 --> 00:16:00,387 And I'm the final say. On that and everything. 390 00:16:00,481 --> 00:16:01,963 (cheering) 391 00:16:02,132 --> 00:16:04,316 And, Wayne, you'll like this one. 392 00:16:04,543 --> 00:16:06,301 No more elections. 393 00:16:06,320 --> 00:16:09,046 Okay, shoot. I get it now. 394 00:16:09,139 --> 00:16:10,638 Democracy's good. 395 00:16:10,807 --> 00:16:14,234 Now, let's get to work on those statues. Root Beer? 396 00:16:14,328 --> 00:16:15,911 Root Beer? 397 00:16:17,314 --> 00:16:18,622 (barks) 398 00:16:23,896 --> 00:16:25,579 Oh, don't give me that judgy look of yours. 399 00:16:25,673 --> 00:16:27,581 Sure, everybody loves you, but you don't know 400 00:16:27,675 --> 00:16:29,900 what you're doing. You're a dog. 401 00:16:29,993 --> 00:16:32,252 Yes, it is technically kidnapping. 402 00:16:32,346 --> 00:16:33,737 But someone had to do something. 403 00:16:33,830 --> 00:16:35,906 Look, I'm not gonna feel guilty about this. 404 00:16:35,999 --> 00:16:36,923 We are doing 405 00:16:37,092 --> 00:16:40,001 the right thing. 406 00:16:41,080 --> 00:16:43,096 And don't give me those eyes about the car ride. 407 00:16:43,249 --> 00:16:44,431 You had your head stuck out the window 408 00:16:44,525 --> 00:16:45,916 and you were loving it. 409 00:16:46,009 --> 00:16:47,768 Your snoot was going all over the place. 410 00:16:47,936 --> 00:16:49,419 (barks) 411 00:16:49,513 --> 00:16:50,937 Just work with me, Root Beer. 412 00:16:51,106 --> 00:16:53,515 Okay, we need to get you incognito. 413 00:16:53,609 --> 00:16:57,761 The goal is somewhere between Joan Jett and Rick Springfield. 414 00:16:57,854 --> 00:16:59,354 Just let me do my thing. 415 00:16:59,448 --> 00:17:01,373 Where is the mayor-elect? 416 00:17:01,600 --> 00:17:03,858 I made him this dog-sized sash. 417 00:17:03,952 --> 00:17:06,103 The dog hasn't been seen in hours. 418 00:17:06,196 --> 00:17:08,029 Where the hell are you, you dumb rat? 419 00:17:08,123 --> 00:17:09,697 I found his leash. 420 00:17:09,717 --> 00:17:11,550 That's certainly not a good sign. 421 00:17:11,701 --> 00:17:14,053 Whoops, sorry. Ha. That's my leash. 422 00:17:14,204 --> 00:17:16,555 Do not ask what it's for. It's for sex. 423 00:17:16,724 --> 00:17:18,891 We're officially without a mayor. 424 00:17:19,042 --> 00:17:21,802 That means all laws are suspended! 425 00:17:21,954 --> 00:17:24,379 -Ooh! -(cheering, shouting) 426 00:17:24,473 --> 00:17:26,565 Violet, have you seen your mother? 427 00:17:26,792 --> 00:17:29,626 Yes, Wayne. My eyes were focused on my mom 428 00:17:29,645 --> 00:17:31,553 while Brenda put on a dog collar 429 00:17:31,647 --> 00:17:33,721 and both Randy's legs bent the wrong way. 430 00:17:33,816 --> 00:17:36,241 You could have just said no, Vi. 431 00:17:36,410 --> 00:17:38,468 (phone rings) 432 00:17:38,562 --> 00:17:39,636 Jenny, where are you? 433 00:17:39,655 --> 00:17:40,971 I'm at the grocery store. 434 00:17:40,989 --> 00:17:42,806 Wow, they have some really good deals 435 00:17:42,825 --> 00:17:44,083 on ground turkey right now. 436 00:17:44,251 --> 00:17:46,734 Jenny, don't you lie to me about turkey deals. 437 00:17:46,754 --> 00:17:48,253 I know you took Root Beer. 438 00:17:48,480 --> 00:17:49,755 And since you're a Hart woman, 439 00:17:49,982 --> 00:17:51,481 I'm guessing you've already crossed state lines 440 00:17:51,650 --> 00:17:52,816 and started dying your hair. 441 00:17:52,909 --> 00:17:55,319 Actually, I am right at state lines, 442 00:17:55,412 --> 00:17:57,504 and I am dying... Root Beer's hair. 443 00:17:57,598 --> 00:18:00,099 So you're wrong on both counts. Ha! I win. 444 00:18:00,326 --> 00:18:03,160 Jenny, come on. There's been too much mudslinging and lies. 445 00:18:03,178 --> 00:18:04,494 It's truth time. 446 00:18:04,546 --> 00:18:06,163 You're crazy. Your mom's crazy. 447 00:18:06,181 --> 00:18:08,440 Now, just bring that dog back, and let's stop this chaos. 448 00:18:08,667 --> 00:18:10,776 No. I am not giving her the satisfaction. 449 00:18:10,927 --> 00:18:12,169 Stay still, Root Beer. 450 00:18:12,338 --> 00:18:13,445 WAYNE: Then what are you gonna do? 451 00:18:13,672 --> 00:18:14,855 I got it all worked out. 452 00:18:14,949 --> 00:18:16,673 I'm gonna change my name to "Donna Romero." 453 00:18:16,842 --> 00:18:18,450 Root Beer will become a Latino dog named "Chacho." 454 00:18:18,677 --> 00:18:20,268 We'll move every three months, 455 00:18:20,362 --> 00:18:22,454 and I'll communicate with you guys via coded Craigslist ads. 456 00:18:22,681 --> 00:18:23,956 (sighs) Perfect plan. 457 00:18:24,183 --> 00:18:26,867 Well, before I say goodbye to you forever, 458 00:18:27,002 --> 00:18:29,186 I just want to give you a little advice. 459 00:18:29,313 --> 00:18:32,280 The only way you're gonna find peace is to figure out a way 460 00:18:32,449 --> 00:18:33,948 not to let your mother get to you. 461 00:18:34,042 --> 00:18:37,719 She's not ever gonna change, so don't let her change you. 462 00:18:40,032 --> 00:18:41,198 Oh, well. 463 00:18:41,367 --> 00:18:43,892 Might as well finish the look before we go home. 464 00:18:47,148 --> 00:18:48,555 Uh, what happened? 465 00:18:48,649 --> 00:18:50,390 Yeah, your mother's the only one in charge. 466 00:18:50,484 --> 00:18:51,674 That's what happened. 467 00:18:51,676 --> 00:18:53,652 Mother, Root Beer's back. 468 00:18:53,879 --> 00:18:55,712 What are y'all talking about? 469 00:18:55,805 --> 00:18:57,063 Root Beer's right here. 470 00:18:57,158 --> 00:18:58,398 I don't even want to know. 471 00:18:58,550 --> 00:19:00,400 Mother, this has gotten way out of hand. 472 00:19:00,569 --> 00:19:03,996 I'm sorry for my part in it, but you need to step down ASAP. 473 00:19:04,223 --> 00:19:06,915 ♪ ♪ 474 00:19:10,153 --> 00:19:13,005 Agreed. This job majorly sucks. 475 00:19:13,232 --> 00:19:15,156 -Huh? -Everyone wants me to make good 476 00:19:15,250 --> 00:19:16,508 on their bribes. 477 00:19:16,677 --> 00:19:18,402 Stream of losers flowing in here, 478 00:19:18,495 --> 00:19:19,736 -asking for handouts. -(sirens wailing) 479 00:19:19,829 --> 00:19:21,738 Plus, for reasons I do not understand, 480 00:19:21,831 --> 00:19:23,998 the town is suddenly in chaos. 481 00:19:24,092 --> 00:19:26,727 I think I know someone who can help. 482 00:19:28,414 --> 00:19:32,340 Oh, you don't really want me to take over as assistant mayor. 483 00:19:32,434 --> 00:19:33,358 (sputters) 484 00:19:33,585 --> 00:19:35,419 (groans) 485 00:19:35,512 --> 00:19:37,178 Oh, please, please. 486 00:19:37,272 --> 00:19:38,530 We do, Mayor Webb. 487 00:19:38,682 --> 00:19:41,015 Yes, you're the best. 488 00:19:41,184 --> 00:19:42,684 We need you so bad. 489 00:19:42,778 --> 00:19:44,894 WOMAN: Is that the census taker, Carrol? 490 00:19:44,947 --> 00:19:47,206 Hey! Is-is that your mother in there? 491 00:19:47,433 --> 00:19:48,540 The one and only. 492 00:19:48,692 --> 00:19:51,859 I thought... you said... she passed! 493 00:19:51,954 --> 00:19:54,546 Yeah, passed on being my campaign manager. 494 00:19:54,773 --> 00:19:56,364 What else could that possibly mean? 495 00:19:56,458 --> 00:19:57,716 Oh, my God, listen to me. 496 00:19:57,885 --> 00:19:59,367 You're the only person in this town 497 00:19:59,536 --> 00:20:01,962 who likes filling out dumb forms and balancing stupid budgets. 498 00:20:02,056 --> 00:20:03,555 So stop feeling sorry for yourself, 499 00:20:03,724 --> 00:20:07,392 pull up your big boy corduroys, and just take the job! 500 00:20:09,212 --> 00:20:10,470 (laughs) I accept! 501 00:20:10,564 --> 00:20:11,546 Thank God. 502 00:20:11,640 --> 00:20:13,589 Here, take your boss for a walk. 503 00:20:13,642 --> 00:20:15,550 He's your responsibility now. 504 00:20:15,644 --> 00:20:17,461 I get to keep the mayor? 505 00:20:17,554 --> 00:20:19,905 MOTHER WEBB: Carrol, did you draw my bath? 506 00:20:20,074 --> 00:20:22,407 Better get on it, or I'll have no choice 507 00:20:22,576 --> 00:20:23,800 but to grab the paddle! 508 00:20:23,819 --> 00:20:26,394 Wives... I-I mean mothers, right? 509 00:20:26,488 --> 00:20:28,138 (laughs) Got to love 'em. 510 00:20:28,156 --> 00:20:31,141 Well, I guess our relationship could be a lot more messed up. 511 00:20:31,234 --> 00:20:32,642 It sure could. 512 00:20:32,736 --> 00:20:33,977 WEBB: All right, your bath 513 00:20:34,070 --> 00:20:36,588 and sponge boy are ready, Miss Thing! 514 00:20:36,815 --> 00:20:39,633 And "Miss Thing" is dead. 515 00:20:44,431 --> 00:20:45,931 I'll have the hot meat sandwich, please. 516 00:20:46,158 --> 00:20:47,991 I don't know what that is, ma'am. 517 00:20:48,010 --> 00:20:49,159 Oh, sure you do. 518 00:20:49,177 --> 00:20:50,494 You make it for me all the time. 519 00:20:50,587 --> 00:20:52,253 Is Chrissy here? She'll make it. 520 00:20:52,347 --> 00:20:54,106 No one named Chrissy works here. 521 00:20:54,333 --> 00:20:55,665 Oh, sure, she does. Chrissy! 522 00:20:55,684 --> 00:20:57,609 No Chrissy has ever worked here. 523 00:20:57,836 --> 00:20:59,093 Chrissy'll sort this out. 524 00:20:59,187 --> 00:21:00,687 Meanwhile, I'll just have a P'Zone. 525 00:21:00,781 --> 00:21:01,688 We don't have that. 526 00:21:01,782 --> 00:21:03,264 You're out of P'Zones? 527 00:21:03,358 --> 00:21:04,599 That's not a product we make. 528 00:21:04,618 --> 00:21:06,009 I think that's Pizza Hut. 529 00:21:06,178 --> 00:21:08,453 Hand to God, Chrissy made me a P'Zone here 530 00:21:08,680 --> 00:21:09,604 just last Saturday. 531 00:21:09,698 --> 00:21:11,515 Ma'am, that had to have been 532 00:21:11,608 --> 00:21:12,774 a completely different restaurant. 533 00:21:12,793 --> 00:21:14,684 Geez, this place has really gone downhill 534 00:21:14,853 --> 00:21:16,110 since Chrissy left. 535 00:21:16,130 --> 00:21:17,945 Okay, I have a partial sandwich in my purse. 536 00:21:18,114 --> 00:21:20,023 Could y'all just run it through your toasting conveyor belt 537 00:21:20,116 --> 00:21:21,115 -for me? -No. 538 00:21:21,209 --> 00:21:23,193 I don't understand why y'all's slogan 539 00:21:23,362 --> 00:21:24,619 is "have it your way." 540 00:21:24,638 --> 00:21:26,621 -(meows) -(horn honks musically) 541 00:21:26,640 --> 00:21:28,623 Captioning sponsored by BENTO BOX ENTERTAINMENT 542 00:21:28,717 --> 00:21:29,891 and TOYOTA.