1
00:00:02,895 --> 00:00:03,818
WAYNE:
Jenny Hart,
2
00:00:03,912 --> 00:00:05,487
welcome to your date night
3
00:00:05,655 --> 00:00:06,913
with all the fixin's.
4
00:00:07,066 --> 00:00:09,916
And I put the rosé
in the freezer.
5
00:00:10,069 --> 00:00:12,569
Oh, Wayne!
It's a perfect slush.
6
00:00:12,738 --> 00:00:13,995
Madame.
7
00:00:14,164 --> 00:00:16,498
Hit pause on the humpin'.
Mama's home.
8
00:00:16,666 --> 00:00:17,832
-Oh, what?
-Mother, I thought
9
00:00:17,926 --> 00:00:18,925
you were playing bridge.
10
00:00:19,078 --> 00:00:21,762
I had a falling out with Norma
11
00:00:21,914 --> 00:00:23,764
about what's the best way to
get to Myrtle Beach,
12
00:00:23,916 --> 00:00:26,007
and the rest of those losers
took her side.
13
00:00:26,176 --> 00:00:27,860
And I'm afraid it's spilled over
into my Bible study
14
00:00:28,011 --> 00:00:29,528
and my quilting group.
15
00:00:29,679 --> 00:00:32,105
(sighs) Thought we finally
had a night alone.
16
00:00:32,258 --> 00:00:34,700
Oh, my Lord.
She's going through The Purge.
17
00:00:34,851 --> 00:00:36,777
-The what?
-It happens every few years.
18
00:00:36,978 --> 00:00:38,686
She just burns through
an entire swath of friends
19
00:00:38,855 --> 00:00:40,614
like a horde of locusts.
20
00:00:40,708 --> 00:00:42,833
(music playing on TV)
21
00:00:43,878 --> 00:00:46,545
Ooh, is that
Under the Tuscan Sun?
22
00:00:46,696 --> 00:00:48,547
Oh, I know her.
I know her.
23
00:00:48,698 --> 00:00:50,624
This one thinks she's hot stuff.
24
00:00:50,793 --> 00:00:52,776
Would you look at
that smokeshow.
25
00:00:52,795 --> 00:00:54,887
I love me an Italiano.
26
00:00:55,038 --> 00:00:58,448
You know what they say--
bushy eyebrows, bushy...
27
00:00:58,467 --> 00:01:00,117
Who was she married to again?
28
00:01:00,135 --> 00:01:03,120
Oh, look. It's Grey's Anatomy.
What's her name?
29
00:01:03,138 --> 00:01:04,229
Sandra Oh.
30
00:01:04,398 --> 00:01:05,397
Sandra O'what?
31
00:01:05,599 --> 00:01:07,958
It's Sandra Oh.
O-H.
32
00:01:07,976 --> 00:01:09,401
Gonna be a long date night.
33
00:01:09,628 --> 00:01:11,461
Hush.
I can't hear Sandra O.H.
34
00:01:11,480 --> 00:01:13,647
She's talking about
what's going on in Tuscan.
35
00:01:13,849 --> 00:01:16,992
♪ ♪
36
00:01:44,772 --> 00:01:47,331
Oh, my God, she is crapping
on our date night.
37
00:01:47,349 --> 00:01:49,499
What do we have to do to get her
out and about a little bit?
38
00:01:49,518 --> 00:01:52,336
Oh, I know-- let's get her
arrested and thrown in jail.
39
00:01:52,504 --> 00:01:55,263
Yeah. Something with no bail.
Like attempted terrorism?
40
00:01:55,357 --> 00:01:57,341
It's kind of a stretch,
but she is terrorizing us
41
00:01:57,359 --> 00:01:58,784
on a household scale.
42
00:01:59,044 --> 00:02:00,344
We can try to get her thrown
into the looney bin,
43
00:02:00,437 --> 00:02:01,845
but she'd just wear 'em down.
44
00:02:01,864 --> 00:02:03,513
Can't she just go get a job?
45
00:02:03,682 --> 00:02:06,016
Hmm, Mother getting a job
is not a bad idea.
46
00:02:06,185 --> 00:02:08,185
But we can't tell her
it's 'cause we need space,
47
00:02:08,203 --> 00:02:09,353
or else she'll get
insulted and make our lives
48
00:02:09,521 --> 00:02:10,778
even more of a living hell.
49
00:02:10,798 --> 00:02:12,280
BETTY:
Hey, can y'all
50
00:02:12,299 --> 00:02:14,374
help me?
I dropped a hard-boiled egg
51
00:02:14,526 --> 00:02:17,636
under the furniture,
and I cannot find it.
52
00:02:19,398 --> 00:02:20,864
-Can I have your horchata?
-Yeah.
53
00:02:21,033 --> 00:02:22,957
-Can I have your Golden Rounds?
-Yeah.
54
00:02:23,126 --> 00:02:25,293
We make this trade every day.
Should we just tell our parents
55
00:02:25,462 --> 00:02:26,553
to get us different snacks?
56
00:02:26,705 --> 00:02:28,963
-No, I like the ritual.
-Me, too.
57
00:02:28,983 --> 00:02:30,724
KID:
Zing, zing! Die, Father!
58
00:02:30,876 --> 00:02:33,210
-Oh! Real people here!
Uh, keep turning.
-Turn, turn. Okay.
59
00:02:33,379 --> 00:02:34,969
-Now go straight.
Watch the railing.
-Ooh, watch the railing.
60
00:02:35,063 --> 00:02:37,472
There are so many
stupid cliques at this school.
61
00:02:37,641 --> 00:02:38,640
The cyber geeks.
62
00:02:38,734 --> 00:02:39,641
Slime heads.
63
00:02:39,851 --> 00:02:41,476
Wannabe influencers.
64
00:02:41,570 --> 00:02:44,812
It's pathetic that the coolest
group in the school-- us--
65
00:02:44,907 --> 00:02:46,907
doesn't have a bigger presence.
66
00:02:47,059 --> 00:02:48,909
Hmm, can you really
call us a group?
67
00:02:49,061 --> 00:02:50,744
A group's at least
three people, right?
68
00:02:50,896 --> 00:02:53,172
Well, what if we
got a third friend?
69
00:02:53,340 --> 00:02:56,233
What? No. It's just us two,
and it's always been us two.
70
00:02:56,402 --> 00:02:58,159
No, I'm not talking about
someone equal to us, David.
71
00:02:58,328 --> 00:03:01,829
I'm talking about a third
who is on a slightly lower tier.
72
00:03:01,998 --> 00:03:04,999
Okay, now I'm feeling this.
73
00:03:05,168 --> 00:03:07,168
Someone who's sort of in
but not fully in,
74
00:03:07,262 --> 00:03:09,188
so we can feed off
their desperate energy?
75
00:03:09,339 --> 00:03:11,598
VIOLET:
One of these lucky nobodies
is about to be
76
00:03:11,750 --> 00:03:13,266
plucked from obscurity.
77
00:03:13,435 --> 00:03:15,611
(thumping)
78
00:03:17,198 --> 00:03:20,607
Jenny! Guess what the hot-ass
UPS guy just brought me?
79
00:03:20,759 --> 00:03:22,850
My Slap Chops!
80
00:03:23,019 --> 00:03:25,946
Ugh, I don't think she's left
this house in three days.
81
00:03:26,040 --> 00:03:27,447
Look, we got to get her
the hell out of here,
82
00:03:27,616 --> 00:03:30,542
but we got to make her think
getting a job was her idea.
83
00:03:30,694 --> 00:03:32,786
Uh, I'm not good
at playing mind games.
84
00:03:32,955 --> 00:03:34,713
It'll be fine.
Just follow my lead.
85
00:03:34,864 --> 00:03:36,790
Y'all want to try?
86
00:03:36,884 --> 00:03:39,292
No, I can't.
Ugh, I don't have time.
87
00:03:39,461 --> 00:03:41,127
Just gearing up to go to my job.
88
00:03:41,329 --> 00:03:43,722
It's so fun to get out
of the house, have a purpose.
89
00:03:43,873 --> 00:03:46,299
Not just moping around here,
sad and empty inside.
90
00:03:46,393 --> 00:03:48,894
Yep, thank God for my job.
Right, Wayne?
91
00:03:49,045 --> 00:03:51,788
Absolutely.
Having a job is the only thing
92
00:03:51,807 --> 00:03:53,232
that keeps me from
putting a gun in my mouth,
93
00:03:53,400 --> 00:03:56,610
pulling the trigger
and blowing my head off.
94
00:03:58,388 --> 00:03:59,738
(whispers):
I told you, this is not my area.
95
00:03:59,907 --> 00:04:01,573
Oh, I see what's happening.
96
00:04:01,766 --> 00:04:05,077
Y'all are trying to do perverse
psychology on me right now.
97
00:04:05,228 --> 00:04:06,578
Mother, we think
you should get a job.
98
00:04:06,747 --> 00:04:08,247
It'll give you something
to focus on.
99
00:04:08,415 --> 00:04:09,806
Earn a little pocket money.
100
00:04:09,825 --> 00:04:12,976
Oh, hell no. I gave up working
a long time ago.
101
00:04:12,995 --> 00:04:14,811
Wait, you had a job?
102
00:04:14,830 --> 00:04:16,421
Jobs. Plural, fool.
103
00:04:16,648 --> 00:04:19,741
I'm no stranger to
the working girl lifestyle.
104
00:04:19,760 --> 00:04:21,927
I worked as a secretary.
105
00:04:22,096 --> 00:04:25,764
Do you want me to take
a memo, Mr. Stetson?
106
00:04:25,933 --> 00:04:29,584
No, but I'd like
to take a mammo.
107
00:04:29,603 --> 00:04:33,663
An assistant to the assistant
manager at Hobby Lobby.
108
00:04:33,832 --> 00:04:35,999
You know, Betty,
I-I never crafted jack squat.
109
00:04:36,018 --> 00:04:39,093
I come here to see you.
110
00:04:39,187 --> 00:04:44,007
And a line worker
at the Dr. Mister factory.
111
00:04:44,100 --> 00:04:45,342
(cheering)
112
00:04:45,360 --> 00:04:47,844
You know what?
I like earning my keep,
113
00:04:47,863 --> 00:04:49,346
and I like being out
in the world.
114
00:04:49,364 --> 00:04:54,184
And you cannot beat
the inter-office dalliances.
115
00:04:54,353 --> 00:04:56,520
Thank the Lord I spent
the bulk of last evening
116
00:04:56,613 --> 00:04:59,022
Edward Scissorhands-ing
my bathing suit area.
117
00:04:59,191 --> 00:05:02,192
Now I'm going out to Kinko's
to work on my resume.
118
00:05:02,285 --> 00:05:04,210
How long do you think
it'll take her to find out
119
00:05:04,363 --> 00:05:05,620
there's no more Kinko's?
120
00:05:05,639 --> 00:05:07,714
I hope she drives around
for two solid days.
121
00:05:07,866 --> 00:05:11,560
BOTH (singsongy):
We got the house back,
we got the house back.
122
00:05:14,815 --> 00:05:16,723
Our new friend audition flyer
123
00:05:16,875 --> 00:05:18,375
might be the best thing
we've ever done.
124
00:05:18,544 --> 00:05:21,044
A hundred thousand percent.
Let's read it one more time.
125
00:05:21,213 --> 00:05:22,470
"It's June 1975.
126
00:05:22,639 --> 00:05:24,397
"You're standing outside CBGB.
127
00:05:24,550 --> 00:05:26,066
"David Byrne comes up to you
and says,
128
00:05:26,218 --> 00:05:28,068
"'I'm looking for
a fourth Talking Head.'
129
00:05:28,236 --> 00:05:30,645
"That is the scale
of this opportunity.
130
00:05:30,814 --> 00:05:32,331
Are you ready to be one of us?"
131
00:05:32,482 --> 00:05:35,316
An opening in the most exclusive
club in town?
132
00:05:35,410 --> 00:05:38,795
When the masses find out,
it's gonna be a human stampede.
133
00:05:40,265 --> 00:05:42,582
Maybe we need to give it
a little more time.
134
00:05:42,734 --> 00:05:44,926
(clock ticking)
135
00:05:46,905 --> 00:05:48,996
Um, hey, I'm Parker.
136
00:05:49,165 --> 00:05:50,891
Am I too late for the audition?
137
00:05:52,094 --> 00:05:54,335
Okay, so your name is Parker.
138
00:05:54,504 --> 00:05:55,837
It's a nickname.
139
00:05:55,931 --> 00:05:57,505
'Cause I tend to just kind of
sit in one place.
140
00:05:57,674 --> 00:05:59,507
I gave it to myself.
141
00:05:59,676 --> 00:06:01,777
Sugar-free rock candy?
142
00:06:02,604 --> 00:06:03,937
(Violet and David sigh)
143
00:06:04,089 --> 00:06:05,864
First question:
what's your favorite movie?
144
00:06:06,015 --> 00:06:08,850
Um, whatever movie I saw last.
145
00:06:08,944 --> 00:06:10,610
Which was Boss Baby 2.
146
00:06:10,704 --> 00:06:12,112
(Violet and David groan)
147
00:06:12,280 --> 00:06:15,707
All right, next question:
what music do you listen to?
148
00:06:15,859 --> 00:06:17,784
Oh, yeah, I'm a big music fan.
149
00:06:17,936 --> 00:06:23,364
I love, um, instruments,
and, uh, vocals.
150
00:06:23,533 --> 00:06:24,624
(Violet and David groan loudly)
151
00:06:24,793 --> 00:06:26,126
Oh, my God.
152
00:06:26,294 --> 00:06:28,778
We got to get this dud
out of here.
153
00:06:28,797 --> 00:06:31,297
He's like if a manila folder
became self-aware.
154
00:06:31,466 --> 00:06:32,391
Huh?
155
00:06:32,559 --> 00:06:34,451
Wait, he is a manila folder.
156
00:06:34,544 --> 00:06:37,287
Which means he can hold
anything we put in him.
157
00:06:37,347 --> 00:06:38,730
He's a blank slate.
158
00:06:38,882 --> 00:06:40,065
(sighs) I don't know.
159
00:06:40,234 --> 00:06:42,234
Do we really have the energy
to build a friend
160
00:06:42,385 --> 00:06:43,568
from the ground up?
161
00:06:43,737 --> 00:06:45,145
Did I mention I have a car?
162
00:06:45,313 --> 00:06:46,613
Okay, you're in.
163
00:06:48,075 --> 00:06:50,057
-(whistling)
-Well, somebody got
164
00:06:50,077 --> 00:06:51,743
new batteries
in her wiggle stick.
165
00:06:51,912 --> 00:06:54,304
What? No, I'm just
in a good mood.
166
00:06:54,473 --> 00:06:56,806
I've had a whole hour
and a half with no Mother.
167
00:06:56,825 --> 00:06:58,992
Uh, it was a real glimpse
into how it's gonna be
168
00:06:59,161 --> 00:07:00,977
-when she's dead.
-Huh?
169
00:07:00,996 --> 00:07:02,479
I say that with love.
170
00:07:02,648 --> 00:07:03,813
I hope y'all are sitting down
171
00:07:03,832 --> 00:07:05,815
'cause I have some bad news.
172
00:07:05,834 --> 00:07:07,759
That's an expression;
keep working.
173
00:07:07,928 --> 00:07:11,004
We got some negative
Yelp reviews, y'all.
174
00:07:11,173 --> 00:07:13,823
"No wonder this place is called
the Last Supper
175
00:07:13,992 --> 00:07:19,438
because the food here is
a biblical plague. One star."
176
00:07:19,665 --> 00:07:21,831
-Aah!
-Louise, it's just
one person's opinion.
177
00:07:21,850 --> 00:07:23,257
It's not that big a deal.
178
00:07:23,426 --> 00:07:25,259
The Internet sucks.
It's only good
179
00:07:25,279 --> 00:07:27,170
for one thing:
getting people to commit
180
00:07:27,263 --> 00:07:29,448
to a long-term relationship
without ever meeting you.
181
00:07:29,616 --> 00:07:31,341
Just ignore it, Louise.
182
00:07:31,359 --> 00:07:32,842
Long story short,
183
00:07:33,011 --> 00:07:35,845
people need to get seated
quicker, so I hired a hostess.
184
00:07:35,939 --> 00:07:38,290
-BETTY: Does anybody
even work here?
-(gasps)
185
00:07:38,459 --> 00:07:41,960
Greetings from your
new greeter, y'all!
186
00:07:46,300 --> 00:07:48,358
Oh, dear God.
You hired my mother?
187
00:07:48,451 --> 00:07:50,451
Test, testing, one-two.
188
00:07:50,471 --> 00:07:52,028
♪ Delta Dawn... ♪
189
00:07:52,197 --> 00:07:53,955
Oh, yeah, this works for me.
190
00:07:53,974 --> 00:07:56,457
-(laughing)
-Mother, there are people
191
00:07:56,626 --> 00:07:57,701
waiting to be seated.
192
00:07:57,869 --> 00:07:59,035
Well, what are you doing
right now?
193
00:07:59,128 --> 00:08:01,538
I am entertaining customers.
194
00:08:01,631 --> 00:08:03,206
The hospitality doesn't end
195
00:08:03,299 --> 00:08:05,466
once their butts are
in the booths, Jenny.
196
00:08:05,486 --> 00:08:07,210
Now, don't be coy.
197
00:08:07,379 --> 00:08:10,471
I know you must be a model
or an actor.
198
00:08:10,491 --> 00:08:12,199
Okay, now what's this?
199
00:08:13,401 --> 00:08:15,994
I need to try the menu
so when people ask,
200
00:08:16,163 --> 00:08:17,554
"Is this good? Is that good?
201
00:08:17,723 --> 00:08:19,556
What's this?"
202
00:08:19,725 --> 00:08:21,625
I can have an answer.
203
00:08:23,228 --> 00:08:25,653
Jenny! My new friends over here
204
00:08:25,822 --> 00:08:27,655
need some more iced teas.
Think fast!
205
00:08:27,749 --> 00:08:30,133
-(laughter)
-(sighs)
206
00:08:31,903 --> 00:08:33,494
VIOLET:
Perfection.
207
00:08:33,663 --> 00:08:36,923
So I'm cooler now?
208
00:08:37,092 --> 00:08:40,260
A thousand percent, which brings
you up to almost cool.
209
00:08:40,461 --> 00:08:41,761
Ooh, what do we do next?
210
00:08:41,913 --> 00:08:44,097
Should we play something cool
like Frisbee?
211
00:08:44,249 --> 00:08:46,266
Sit.
We're watching a documentary
212
00:08:46,360 --> 00:08:47,692
about the band Styx.
213
00:08:47,844 --> 00:08:49,936
Oh. And cool people like them?
214
00:08:50,088 --> 00:08:53,273
No. (sighs) Parker, this isn't
about liking something.
215
00:08:53,441 --> 00:08:55,700
It's about enjoying how much
you don't like something.
216
00:08:55,852 --> 00:08:57,777
We like Styx ironically.
217
00:08:57,871 --> 00:08:59,779
Oh, I get it.
218
00:08:59,931 --> 00:09:03,208
You don't like it,
so you do like it.
219
00:09:03,359 --> 00:09:04,543
Okay, let me try:
220
00:09:04,694 --> 00:09:07,712
I like that my gamgam's
in the hospital.
221
00:09:07,864 --> 00:09:10,123
Oh, my God.
We got so much work to do.
222
00:09:11,126 --> 00:09:12,792
And when I told her I wouldn't
give her half my tips,
223
00:09:12,886 --> 00:09:14,719
she wrote my cell phone number
on the wall
224
00:09:14,871 --> 00:09:15,962
in the men's bathroom.
225
00:09:16,131 --> 00:09:17,705
So check my phone
if you want to know
226
00:09:17,724 --> 00:09:19,132
what every kind of penis
looks like.
227
00:09:19,226 --> 00:09:22,118
Jenny, a Yelp review ruined
our beautiful plan
228
00:09:22,137 --> 00:09:24,062
and a Yelp review can fix it.
229
00:09:26,641 --> 00:09:28,291
Jenny, there's something
I've been meaning
230
00:09:28,310 --> 00:09:30,402
-to tell you for a long...
-Wayne,
231
00:09:30,553 --> 00:09:32,237
are you a secret online
vigilante?
232
00:09:32,406 --> 00:09:33,646
Oh, come on!
233
00:09:33,740 --> 00:09:35,240
How could you have
figured that out?
234
00:09:35,409 --> 00:09:37,075
I gave you zero clues.
235
00:09:37,226 --> 00:09:40,078
Anyways, allow me
to introduce to you
236
00:09:40,305 --> 00:09:41,821
my online personage,
237
00:09:41,990 --> 00:09:43,582
Ronnie Tim Tanner.
238
00:09:43,750 --> 00:09:45,083
♪ ♪
239
00:09:45,252 --> 00:09:46,976
Ex-Green Beret
who's also a three-time
240
00:09:46,995 --> 00:09:49,921
Olympic medalist
in the shot put.
241
00:09:50,090 --> 00:09:51,815
That's great, Wayne,
'cause Louise really listens
242
00:09:51,833 --> 00:09:53,574
to male authority figures
online.
243
00:09:53,594 --> 00:09:55,985
Uh, everyone does.
And not only that.
244
00:09:56,004 --> 00:09:58,488
He dedicated his last gold medal
245
00:09:58,506 --> 00:10:00,414
to an inner-city kid
who had beaten cancer.
246
00:10:00,434 --> 00:10:03,435
When an ex-military Olympic
medalist with a heart of gold
247
00:10:03,604 --> 00:10:05,937
tells you your small business
is getting sloppy,
248
00:10:06,106 --> 00:10:07,421
you listen.
249
00:10:07,666 --> 00:10:09,107
Ronnie Tim and I
single-handedly turned around
250
00:10:09,276 --> 00:10:11,835
a Mexican restaurant that had
switched to processed cheese,
251
00:10:12,003 --> 00:10:14,854
a mom-and-pop florist
that was churning out bouquets
252
00:10:14,948 --> 00:10:17,173
of filler flowers,
and we also got people
253
00:10:17,192 --> 00:10:19,266
to give a second chance
to a library
254
00:10:19,435 --> 00:10:21,177
where there was a murder
in the parking lot.
255
00:10:21,346 --> 00:10:24,514
Then Ronnie Tim
became a raging alcoholic.
256
00:10:24,532 --> 00:10:25,915
JENNY:
Oh, no.
257
00:10:26,960 --> 00:10:28,275
Why?
258
00:10:28,295 --> 00:10:29,777
WAYNE: Currently,
Ronnie Tim can only afford
259
00:10:29,796 --> 00:10:31,204
to live on a houseboat,
260
00:10:31,373 --> 00:10:32,947
blowing his money on booze
and hookers.
261
00:10:32,966 --> 00:10:34,448
Any given day, you can see him
262
00:10:34,468 --> 00:10:36,025
stumbling around,
263
00:10:36,194 --> 00:10:37,527
trying not to
fall off his house.
264
00:10:37,620 --> 00:10:38,695
Poor guy.
265
00:10:38,864 --> 00:10:40,363
-How much more can he take?
-(sighs)
266
00:10:40,532 --> 00:10:42,699
And thanks to long-term
steroid abuse,
267
00:10:42,868 --> 00:10:46,127
he's also got jelly dong.
268
00:10:46,146 --> 00:10:47,887
(gasps) Oh, no.
269
00:10:48,039 --> 00:10:50,039
This man has earned the right
to be heard.
270
00:10:50,208 --> 00:10:52,058
I think it's time Ronnie Tim
271
00:10:52,210 --> 00:10:54,544
chimed in about the new hostess
at the Last Supper.
272
00:10:54,713 --> 00:10:56,062
On it.
273
00:10:56,990 --> 00:10:58,305
VIOLET:
Okay, Parker, you were right.
274
00:10:58,325 --> 00:10:59,991
That eyepatch did affect
your driving,
275
00:11:00,218 --> 00:11:01,809
-so you can take it off.
-Now this, Parker,
276
00:11:01,903 --> 00:11:04,904
is our favorite game:
Mega Lo Mart Bingo.
277
00:11:04,998 --> 00:11:07,073
We point out people
and award each other points
278
00:11:07,225 --> 00:11:08,983
based on how much
of a hot mess they are.
279
00:11:09,152 --> 00:11:10,985
Here, I'll show you.
A guy on a Rascal,
280
00:11:11,154 --> 00:11:14,080
two American flags, oxygen tank,
buying cigarettes?
281
00:11:14,232 --> 00:11:16,416
-Score, please.
-That is actually pretty common,
282
00:11:16,584 --> 00:11:17,917
so that's just 25 points.
283
00:11:18,069 --> 00:11:20,403
Oh, 26, because butt crack.
284
00:11:20,572 --> 00:11:24,832
Now, David, what do I get for...
lady in a terrycloth jumpsuit,
285
00:11:25,001 --> 00:11:27,260
drinking a 72-hour energy drink
that she hasn't paid for yet.
286
00:11:27,429 --> 00:11:29,929
She isn't shopping, she's
clearly just in here waiting
287
00:11:30,081 --> 00:11:33,507
for something to blow over.
288
00:11:33,676 --> 00:11:35,768
Oh, my God, that's 95 points.
289
00:11:35,862 --> 00:11:37,754
Oh, now look at this, Violet.
290
00:11:37,847 --> 00:11:40,573
Kid sniffing deodorants, greasy
hair, anime bowling shirt.
291
00:11:40,725 --> 00:11:41,774
I don't even know
what to give that.
292
00:11:41,943 --> 00:11:42,942
That's my boy, Brian.
293
00:11:43,111 --> 00:11:45,370
-Brian!
-Hey, Parker.
294
00:11:45,521 --> 00:11:47,521
You got to smell the new Axe.
It's off the chain.
295
00:11:47,690 --> 00:11:50,783
My mom's gonna be so excited
for her fresh-smelling boy.
296
00:11:50,877 --> 00:11:52,618
Wait, you know this guy?
297
00:11:52,787 --> 00:11:54,787
Of course I do. I invited him.
298
00:11:54,881 --> 00:11:57,440
You have other friends?
W-Why did you audition?
299
00:11:57,609 --> 00:11:59,959
Hey, I never turn down
a chance for friendship.
300
00:12:00,128 --> 00:12:03,888
Violet and David are the
coolest people I've ever met.
301
00:12:04,040 --> 00:12:06,282
They're teaching me about irony.
302
00:12:06,301 --> 00:12:08,134
It's like when you say
you love something
303
00:12:08,303 --> 00:12:11,120
-that you actually hate.
-Ooh, let me try.
304
00:12:11,139 --> 00:12:14,399
I love that my mom's work friend
opened the bathroom door on me
305
00:12:14,550 --> 00:12:16,526
while I was peeing last night.
306
00:12:17,462 --> 00:12:19,404
Well, nice meeting you, Brian.
307
00:12:19,631 --> 00:12:21,130
That's what my mom's
work friend said
308
00:12:21,149 --> 00:12:23,742
as he shut the bathroom door.
309
00:12:23,893 --> 00:12:26,227
♪ Look around the world,
pretty baby ♪
310
00:12:26,246 --> 00:12:27,653
♪ Is it everything... ♪
311
00:12:27,822 --> 00:12:30,415
This is the worst song
I've ever heard.
312
00:12:30,642 --> 00:12:32,976
Total ear acid.
313
00:12:32,994 --> 00:12:35,828
My foot's tapping. Why?
314
00:12:35,997 --> 00:12:37,330
♪ Look around your world,
pretty baby... ♪
315
00:12:37,499 --> 00:12:39,073
Stop it.
316
00:12:39,242 --> 00:12:41,408
♪ Is it everything you hoped
it would be? ♪
317
00:12:41,428 --> 00:12:42,986
No! What's happening?
318
00:12:43,004 --> 00:12:44,929
Man, listen
to those instruments.
319
00:12:45,156 --> 00:12:48,099
♪ The wrong guy,
the wrong situation ♪
320
00:12:48,326 --> 00:12:51,770
♪ The right time
to roll to me... ♪
321
00:12:55,350 --> 00:12:58,518
(gasps) That review we sent
wasn't too mean, right?
322
00:12:58,686 --> 00:13:00,336
(grunts)
No way.
323
00:13:00,505 --> 00:13:04,616
I mean, there's not a mean bone
in Ronnie Tim's body.
324
00:13:06,269 --> 00:13:09,345
(gasps)
Unless he's drinking.
325
00:13:09,438 --> 00:13:12,682
LOUISE:
Here's a review
from Ronnie Tim Tanner.
326
00:13:12,775 --> 00:13:14,350
"If I could give that vulgar,
327
00:13:14,519 --> 00:13:18,354
"dumb-as-a-bag-of-pine-cones
hostess zero stars, I would.
328
00:13:18,523 --> 00:13:21,024
"As a former Olympian,
I'm here to tell you
329
00:13:21,192 --> 00:13:23,876
"that if they gave gold medals
for being terrible at your job
330
00:13:24,029 --> 00:13:26,362
"and having devil eyes,
331
00:13:26,455 --> 00:13:28,865
"Betty Hart would be
on that middle podium,
332
00:13:29,034 --> 00:13:30,366
"slaughtering
'The Star-Spangled Banner'
333
00:13:30,535 --> 00:13:33,536
with those Funyuns
she calls vocal cords."
334
00:13:33,705 --> 00:13:34,871
(groans)
335
00:13:34,964 --> 00:13:37,298
"Also, the rude hostess
made a ton
336
00:13:37,317 --> 00:13:39,133
"of graphic personal phone calls
337
00:13:39,227 --> 00:13:41,377
"and said the owner
of the establishment
338
00:13:41,546 --> 00:13:43,746
had a bird face"?
339
00:13:43,748 --> 00:13:45,306
(distorted):
Bird face?
340
00:13:45,474 --> 00:13:47,242
Bird face?
341
00:13:48,311 --> 00:13:49,643
Oh, here comes Birdface.
342
00:13:49,812 --> 00:13:51,387
(chuckles):
Hi!
343
00:13:51,556 --> 00:13:52,980
(bird screeches)
344
00:13:53,149 --> 00:13:57,076
So, Betty, I'm afraid
I'm gonna have to let you go.
345
00:13:57,228 --> 00:13:59,295
♪ ♪
346
00:14:04,569 --> 00:14:05,802
(tires screeching)
347
00:14:08,756 --> 00:14:11,424
Welp, that's the end of
Betty Hart at the Last Supper.
348
00:14:11,593 --> 00:14:13,167
Good for you, Birdface.
349
00:14:13,336 --> 00:14:14,644
(tires screeching)
350
00:14:18,083 --> 00:14:21,526
All right, looks like my baby
needs a spanking.
351
00:14:21,677 --> 00:14:24,845
Time to fight fire with fire.
352
00:14:24,865 --> 00:14:26,030
(line rings)
353
00:14:26,182 --> 00:14:28,867
Rex? Yeah, it's Betty.
I need a favor.
354
00:14:29,035 --> 00:14:30,443
Anything you need, Bet.
355
00:14:30,612 --> 00:14:33,096
I got two Judases who need
a piece of their own medicine.
356
00:14:33,264 --> 00:14:36,541
What you want-- frame job,
rough-up, full-blown murder?
357
00:14:36,710 --> 00:14:38,117
No, I'll tell you what I need--
358
00:14:38,286 --> 00:14:41,120
an Internet smear campaign
via Yelp.
359
00:14:41,272 --> 00:14:43,789
Put the word out--
the nastier the review,
360
00:14:43,884 --> 00:14:45,625
the nastier the reward.
361
00:14:45,719 --> 00:14:47,460
-Betty Hart?
-On it.
-Anything for Betty.
362
00:14:47,629 --> 00:14:49,220
TRUCKER:
Betty, I miss you.
363
00:14:53,876 --> 00:14:56,394
Jenny, can I talk to you?
364
00:14:56,563 --> 00:14:58,621
-(gasps)
-(bird screeches)
365
00:14:58,640 --> 00:15:00,899
Louise, what did you do
to your face?
366
00:15:01,050 --> 00:15:02,567
Oh, I was just trying
some contouring
367
00:15:02,736 --> 00:15:04,551
to make my nose look
like less of a beak.
368
00:15:04,571 --> 00:15:07,513
Anyway, Jenny, I was just going
through my Yelps,
369
00:15:07,649 --> 00:15:13,244
and you are named in no less
than 17 one-star reviews.
370
00:15:13,396 --> 00:15:15,079
-Oh, what?
-Oh, yup.
371
00:15:15,248 --> 00:15:17,140
One said you don't wash
your hands.
372
00:15:17,158 --> 00:15:19,142
Another said you spit
in all the food
373
00:15:19,160 --> 00:15:22,170
and that it's a sexual thing.
374
00:15:23,256 --> 00:15:25,331
PARKER:
Thanks for letting us stop here.
375
00:15:25,500 --> 00:15:26,816
Bri and I cannot pass
376
00:15:26,834 --> 00:15:28,818
Boingzone's Jumptastic
Trampatheater
377
00:15:28,836 --> 00:15:30,820
without grabbing a few jumps.
378
00:15:30,838 --> 00:15:32,822
How did we end up
in this vanilla nightmare?
379
00:15:32,840 --> 00:15:34,915
I mean, look at these snooze-os.
380
00:15:34,935 --> 00:15:37,936
(laughter and playful chatter)
381
00:15:38,163 --> 00:15:40,329
We still hate this, right?
382
00:15:40,348 --> 00:15:41,755
♪ ♪
383
00:15:41,775 --> 00:15:44,517
I'm really enjoying this.
384
00:15:44,611 --> 00:15:46,502
Ironically or unironically?
385
00:15:46,671 --> 00:15:48,262
Unclear.
386
00:15:48,281 --> 00:15:49,839
Look how high we're getting.
387
00:15:50,008 --> 00:15:51,007
-Yeah.
-You're right.
388
00:15:51,176 --> 00:15:52,116
-Whoa.
-Maybe it's too high.
389
00:15:52,285 --> 00:15:54,935
Agreed.
Everything in moderation.
390
00:15:54,955 --> 00:15:56,788
Hey, nice moderate jumps.
391
00:15:56,939 --> 00:15:58,347
Right at the recommended level.
392
00:15:58,441 --> 00:15:59,348
Thanks.
393
00:15:59,442 --> 00:16:00,516
You want to jump with us?
394
00:16:00,685 --> 00:16:02,293
Sure. I have some pals, too.
395
00:16:02,462 --> 00:16:03,962
Mind if they jump along?
396
00:16:04,130 --> 00:16:06,355
You know Boingzone's motto.
397
00:16:06,524 --> 00:16:09,375
KIDS:
You can never have
too many hoppers.
398
00:16:09,469 --> 00:16:11,952
Wait a minute. We just wanted
one new friend to push around,
399
00:16:11,972 --> 00:16:14,121
and now he's somehow in charge?
400
00:16:14,140 --> 00:16:18,868
We... have... to...
put a stop... to this.
401
00:16:18,961 --> 00:16:21,037
Yeah... sucks.
402
00:16:21,147 --> 00:16:23,889
We'll do... one game of...
bouncy basketball,
403
00:16:24,042 --> 00:16:25,466
and then we'll tell 'em
what's up.
404
00:16:25,485 --> 00:16:28,227
Exactly. No more than two games
of bouncy ball,
405
00:16:28,379 --> 00:16:29,737
and then we're done.
406
00:16:35,553 --> 00:16:38,979
Hey, Mom, I hope you're having
a great day.
407
00:16:39,907 --> 00:16:42,074
I was just reading one
of my latest Yelp reviews,
408
00:16:42,243 --> 00:16:44,651
and one of them was
all about my B.O.,
409
00:16:44,820 --> 00:16:46,746
and the other says
I ignore the elderly.
410
00:16:46,898 --> 00:16:48,898
Can you believe that?
411
00:16:49,067 --> 00:16:50,583
No. That's so awful
412
00:16:50,735 --> 00:16:54,661
that an anonymous person
would slander you like that.
413
00:16:54,830 --> 00:16:57,089
These Internet people
can be brutal, can't they?
414
00:16:57,242 --> 00:16:59,726
Yes, they can.
415
00:17:03,915 --> 00:17:05,839
Uh-oh, what'd I walk into?
416
00:17:05,933 --> 00:17:07,525
Wayne, I thought
you were at work.
417
00:17:07,676 --> 00:17:09,027
Nope, I got sent home
418
00:17:09,178 --> 00:17:11,512
'cause Bigsby's got
a Yelp review that said
419
00:17:11,680 --> 00:17:14,515
"Wayne Edwards pee-pees
in the floor sample toilets
420
00:17:14,609 --> 00:17:16,776
and thinks the DMV did 9/11."
421
00:17:16,870 --> 00:17:18,560
(gasps)
Mother.
422
00:17:18,687 --> 00:17:20,112
I'm as upset as you are,
423
00:17:20,206 --> 00:17:24,042
and, boy, I hope more bad
Yelp reviews aren't on the way.
424
00:17:24,193 --> 00:17:27,103
But something tells me
they sure as hell are. (laughs)
425
00:17:27,196 --> 00:17:30,381
Wayne, I, I think you've got
some e-mails to write,
426
00:17:30,533 --> 00:17:31,382
don't you?
427
00:17:31,534 --> 00:17:33,593
Yeah, okay.
428
00:17:34,796 --> 00:17:36,637
(knuckles cracking)
429
00:17:38,224 --> 00:17:39,799
♪
430
00:17:39,967 --> 00:17:42,935
What are you waiting for,
soft boy?
431
00:17:44,305 --> 00:17:45,805
RONNIE TIM:
You caused this, Wayne.
432
00:17:45,899 --> 00:17:47,640
Huh? Who's talking
to me right now?
433
00:17:47,792 --> 00:17:50,234
It's me,
Olympic hero Ronnie Tim.
434
00:17:50,461 --> 00:17:51,811
Can't you see me?
435
00:17:51,963 --> 00:17:53,780
Focus on my voice.
436
00:17:55,149 --> 00:17:57,241
Wow, this is exactly
how I imagined it.
437
00:17:57,468 --> 00:18:00,745
Wayne, I know you created me
with good intentions,
438
00:18:00,914 --> 00:18:02,747
and we put
quite a few small businesses
439
00:18:02,898 --> 00:18:04,640
on the right track together,
440
00:18:04,659 --> 00:18:07,310
but this isn't online justice.
441
00:18:07,328 --> 00:18:08,586
It's trolling,
442
00:18:08,813 --> 00:18:11,147
and I can't be a part
of that anymore.
443
00:18:11,165 --> 00:18:13,925
I'm gonna solve this
for the both of us.
444
00:18:15,336 --> 00:18:17,136
Ronnie Tim!
445
00:18:17,931 --> 00:18:19,138
(distorted):
No.
446
00:18:20,040 --> 00:18:22,325
Y'all, get off your devices.
447
00:18:22,343 --> 00:18:25,603
We've got to hash this out
in the real world, face-to-face.
448
00:18:25,830 --> 00:18:27,772
Betty, I was the one
who came up with the idea
449
00:18:27,941 --> 00:18:31,167
to write the negative review
to get you fired.
450
00:18:31,336 --> 00:18:33,611
-From the job
y'all told me to get.
-JENNY: Yes,
451
00:18:33,762 --> 00:18:36,172
but what we should have told you
from the very beginning is,
452
00:18:36,341 --> 00:18:38,574
sometimes we need space
from you.
453
00:18:40,477 --> 00:18:41,285
Well...
454
00:18:41,454 --> 00:18:42,845
(exhales)
455
00:18:42,938 --> 00:18:45,197
There it is, y'all.
456
00:18:45,350 --> 00:18:47,274
Mother, get away
from the knife drawer.
457
00:18:47,293 --> 00:18:48,684
I'm just getting my keys.
458
00:18:48,853 --> 00:18:49,961
I'm gonna go hang out
with people
459
00:18:50,130 --> 00:18:53,297
who actually want to see me.
460
00:18:54,950 --> 00:18:56,359
(distant laughter
and playful chatter)
461
00:18:56,527 --> 00:18:58,861
How come we're not sitting
closer to Parker?
462
00:18:58,954 --> 00:19:00,787
This is bullcrap.
463
00:19:00,923 --> 00:19:02,865
Parker's one job was
to love and adore us.
464
00:19:02,958 --> 00:19:04,884
But then he goes and adds
all these other strays?
465
00:19:04,978 --> 00:19:07,103
We got to tell Parker
to just cut them loose.
466
00:19:08,373 --> 00:19:10,556
Hey, Parker, can we talk?
467
00:19:10,708 --> 00:19:12,224
(inhales)
468
00:19:12,377 --> 00:19:14,968
Yeah, I need
to talk to you, too.
469
00:19:14,988 --> 00:19:19,306
We've had a vote and
we decided-- ah, I hate this--
470
00:19:19,400 --> 00:19:23,143
but you guys don't belong
in our group anymore.
471
00:19:23,163 --> 00:19:24,220
Your group?
472
00:19:24,389 --> 00:19:25,404
Yeah, we had a vote,
473
00:19:25,648 --> 00:19:28,649
and I'm afraid you two
are gonna have to bounce,
474
00:19:28,817 --> 00:19:30,651
and not in the awesome way.
475
00:19:30,819 --> 00:19:32,745
Wait, you're kicking us out?
476
00:19:32,897 --> 00:19:35,414
Don't worry,
whenever no one else is around,
477
00:19:35,566 --> 00:19:38,492
I'll totally be friends
with you.
478
00:19:38,586 --> 00:19:40,661
Also, I just want you to know
479
00:19:40,829 --> 00:19:44,307
I didn't enjoy hanging out
with you today.
480
00:19:48,170 --> 00:19:49,595
Ooh, you want to go
flag down motorists
481
00:19:49,764 --> 00:19:51,171
like it's an emergency,
482
00:19:51,191 --> 00:19:52,598
and then, when they pull over,
call them pedos?
483
00:19:52,750 --> 00:19:54,266
Get out of my head.
484
00:19:54,419 --> 00:19:56,009
Good call on carryout.
485
00:19:56,178 --> 00:19:57,678
Oh, it's gonna feel so good
486
00:19:57,846 --> 00:19:59,697
eating these Bloomin' Onions
in an empty house.
487
00:19:59,848 --> 00:20:01,348
I'd eat a box of hair
488
00:20:01,517 --> 00:20:03,776
as long as we get to eat it
in an empty house. (whoops)
489
00:20:03,945 --> 00:20:06,687
♪ Empty house is
just you and me ♪
490
00:20:06,781 --> 00:20:07,780
♪ We can bone in the kitchen ♪
491
00:20:07,949 --> 00:20:10,958
♪ And no one'll see. ♪
492
00:20:15,790 --> 00:20:17,381
(sighs)
493
00:20:17,533 --> 00:20:19,792
BETTY:
Now, why'd y'all
make me rush home?
494
00:20:19,961 --> 00:20:22,553
All my girlfriends
were so disappointed
495
00:20:22,705 --> 00:20:24,113
I had to bail early.
496
00:20:24,131 --> 00:20:26,724
Well, I'm sure all
your best friends will miss you,
497
00:20:26,875 --> 00:20:29,468
but the thing is,
Wayne and I need you more.
498
00:20:29,637 --> 00:20:32,063
Uh, yeah, we realized date night
499
00:20:32,214 --> 00:20:34,473
just wasn't the same
without you.
500
00:20:34,567 --> 00:20:36,792
I thought y'all needed space.
501
00:20:36,811 --> 00:20:40,387
Yes, Mother, sometimes
that will be the case.
502
00:20:40,556 --> 00:20:45,201
But tonight we were hoping you'd
join us for family date night.
503
00:20:46,061 --> 00:20:47,411
What are we watching?
504
00:20:47,638 --> 00:20:49,247
Ooh, she has let herself go.
505
00:20:49,415 --> 00:20:50,414
Who's she married to again?
506
00:20:50,641 --> 00:20:51,532
That's not his real hair.
507
00:20:51,584 --> 00:20:52,825
She's put on weight.
508
00:20:52,994 --> 00:20:54,794
Isn't he a druggie?
509
00:20:59,150 --> 00:21:01,133
I don't trust that guy.
Those aren't his real teeth.
510
00:21:01,261 --> 00:21:02,426
Wait, and is that a wig?
511
00:21:02,595 --> 00:21:04,762
Ten dollars says
that man is fully bald.
512
00:21:04,989 --> 00:21:06,931
He barely even has
eyebrows left.
513
00:21:07,100 --> 00:21:09,767
I think I might be enjoying
this unironically.
514
00:21:09,936 --> 00:21:11,327
What does that mean?
515
00:21:11,345 --> 00:21:13,437
Think it means
if you can't beat 'em, join 'em.
516
00:21:13,606 --> 00:21:15,331
I'm sorry, but that lady
has had too much work done.
517
00:21:15,500 --> 00:21:18,442
Yeah, the only acting
she can do is wide awake.
518
00:21:18,594 --> 00:21:21,261
Listen up, y'all, somebody's
gonna jump out any second.
519
00:21:21,281 --> 00:21:23,614
They should've put
Cassandra Bullock in this one.
520
00:21:23,783 --> 00:21:25,283
Y'all, I'm telling you,
any second...
521
00:21:25,451 --> 00:21:27,285
-(woman screams on TV)
-(all scream)
-Oh, my God!
522
00:21:27,453 --> 00:21:29,787
BETTY:
Spoiler alert: that's a man.
523
00:21:30,047 --> 00:21:31,847
-(meows)
-(horn honks musically)
524
00:21:32,016 --> 00:21:33,440
Captioning sponsored by
BENTO BOX ENTERTAINMENT
525
00:21:33,459 --> 00:21:35,126
and TOYOTA.