1 00:00:02,895 --> 00:00:03,818 WAYNE: Jenny Hart, 2 00:00:03,912 --> 00:00:05,487 welcome to your date night 3 00:00:05,655 --> 00:00:06,913 with all the fixin's. 4 00:00:07,066 --> 00:00:09,916 And I put the rosé in the freezer. 5 00:00:10,069 --> 00:00:12,569 Oh, Wayne! It's a perfect slush. 6 00:00:12,738 --> 00:00:13,995 Madame. 7 00:00:14,164 --> 00:00:16,498 Hit pause on the humpin'. Mama's home. 8 00:00:16,666 --> 00:00:17,832 -Oh, what? -Mother, I thought 9 00:00:17,926 --> 00:00:18,925 you were playing bridge. 10 00:00:19,078 --> 00:00:21,762 I had a falling out with Norma 11 00:00:21,914 --> 00:00:23,764 about what's the best way to get to Myrtle Beach, 12 00:00:23,916 --> 00:00:26,007 and the rest of those losers took her side. 13 00:00:26,176 --> 00:00:27,860 And I'm afraid it's spilled over into my Bible study 14 00:00:28,011 --> 00:00:29,528 and my quilting group. 15 00:00:29,679 --> 00:00:32,105 (sighs) Thought we finally had a night alone. 16 00:00:32,258 --> 00:00:34,700 Oh, my Lord. She's going through The Purge. 17 00:00:34,851 --> 00:00:36,777 -The what? -It happens every few years. 18 00:00:36,978 --> 00:00:38,686 She just burns through an entire swath of friends 19 00:00:38,855 --> 00:00:40,614 like a horde of locusts. 20 00:00:40,708 --> 00:00:42,833 (music playing on TV) 21 00:00:43,878 --> 00:00:46,545 Ooh, is that Under the Tuscan Sun? 22 00:00:46,696 --> 00:00:48,547 Oh, I know her. I know her. 23 00:00:48,698 --> 00:00:50,624 This one thinks she's hot stuff. 24 00:00:50,793 --> 00:00:52,776 Would you look at that smokeshow. 25 00:00:52,795 --> 00:00:54,887 I love me an Italiano. 26 00:00:55,038 --> 00:00:58,448 You know what they say-- bushy eyebrows, bushy... 27 00:00:58,467 --> 00:01:00,117 Who was she married to again? 28 00:01:00,135 --> 00:01:03,120 Oh, look. It's Grey's Anatomy. What's her name? 29 00:01:03,138 --> 00:01:04,229 Sandra Oh. 30 00:01:04,398 --> 00:01:05,397 Sandra O'what? 31 00:01:05,599 --> 00:01:07,958 It's Sandra Oh. O-H. 32 00:01:07,976 --> 00:01:09,401 Gonna be a long date night. 33 00:01:09,628 --> 00:01:11,461 Hush. I can't hear Sandra O.H. 34 00:01:11,480 --> 00:01:13,647 She's talking about what's going on in Tuscan. 35 00:01:13,849 --> 00:01:16,992 ♪ ♪ 36 00:01:44,772 --> 00:01:47,331 Oh, my God, she is crapping on our date night. 37 00:01:47,349 --> 00:01:49,499 What do we have to do to get her out and about a little bit? 38 00:01:49,518 --> 00:01:52,336 Oh, I know-- let's get her arrested and thrown in jail. 39 00:01:52,504 --> 00:01:55,263 Yeah. Something with no bail. Like attempted terrorism? 40 00:01:55,357 --> 00:01:57,341 It's kind of a stretch, but she is terrorizing us 41 00:01:57,359 --> 00:01:58,784 on a household scale. 42 00:01:59,044 --> 00:02:00,344 We can try to get her thrown into the looney bin, 43 00:02:00,437 --> 00:02:01,845 but she'd just wear 'em down. 44 00:02:01,864 --> 00:02:03,513 Can't she just go get a job? 45 00:02:03,682 --> 00:02:06,016 Hmm, Mother getting a job is not a bad idea. 46 00:02:06,185 --> 00:02:08,185 But we can't tell her it's 'cause we need space, 47 00:02:08,203 --> 00:02:09,353 or else she'll get insulted and make our lives 48 00:02:09,521 --> 00:02:10,778 even more of a living hell. 49 00:02:10,798 --> 00:02:12,280 BETTY: Hey, can y'all 50 00:02:12,299 --> 00:02:14,374 help me? I dropped a hard-boiled egg 51 00:02:14,526 --> 00:02:17,636 under the furniture, and I cannot find it. 52 00:02:19,398 --> 00:02:20,864 -Can I have your horchata? -Yeah. 53 00:02:21,033 --> 00:02:22,957 -Can I have your Golden Rounds? -Yeah. 54 00:02:23,126 --> 00:02:25,293 We make this trade every day. Should we just tell our parents 55 00:02:25,462 --> 00:02:26,553 to get us different snacks? 56 00:02:26,705 --> 00:02:28,963 -No, I like the ritual. -Me, too. 57 00:02:28,983 --> 00:02:30,724 KID: Zing, zing! Die, Father! 58 00:02:30,876 --> 00:02:33,210 -Oh! Real people here! Uh, keep turning. -Turn, turn. Okay. 59 00:02:33,379 --> 00:02:34,969 -Now go straight. Watch the railing. -Ooh, watch the railing. 60 00:02:35,063 --> 00:02:37,472 There are so many stupid cliques at this school. 61 00:02:37,641 --> 00:02:38,640 The cyber geeks. 62 00:02:38,734 --> 00:02:39,641 Slime heads. 63 00:02:39,851 --> 00:02:41,476 Wannabe influencers. 64 00:02:41,570 --> 00:02:44,812 It's pathetic that the coolest group in the school-- us-- 65 00:02:44,907 --> 00:02:46,907 doesn't have a bigger presence. 66 00:02:47,059 --> 00:02:48,909 Hmm, can you really call us a group? 67 00:02:49,061 --> 00:02:50,744 A group's at least three people, right? 68 00:02:50,896 --> 00:02:53,172 Well, what if we got a third friend? 69 00:02:53,340 --> 00:02:56,233 What? No. It's just us two, and it's always been us two. 70 00:02:56,402 --> 00:02:58,159 No, I'm not talking about someone equal to us, David. 71 00:02:58,328 --> 00:03:01,829 I'm talking about a third who is on a slightly lower tier. 72 00:03:01,998 --> 00:03:04,999 Okay, now I'm feeling this. 73 00:03:05,168 --> 00:03:07,168 Someone who's sort of in but not fully in, 74 00:03:07,262 --> 00:03:09,188 so we can feed off their desperate energy? 75 00:03:09,339 --> 00:03:11,598 VIOLET: One of these lucky nobodies is about to be 76 00:03:11,750 --> 00:03:13,266 plucked from obscurity. 77 00:03:13,435 --> 00:03:15,611 (thumping) 78 00:03:17,198 --> 00:03:20,607 Jenny! Guess what the hot-ass UPS guy just brought me? 79 00:03:20,759 --> 00:03:22,850 My Slap Chops! 80 00:03:23,019 --> 00:03:25,946 Ugh, I don't think she's left this house in three days. 81 00:03:26,040 --> 00:03:27,447 Look, we got to get her the hell out of here, 82 00:03:27,616 --> 00:03:30,542 but we got to make her think getting a job was her idea. 83 00:03:30,694 --> 00:03:32,786 Uh, I'm not good at playing mind games. 84 00:03:32,955 --> 00:03:34,713 It'll be fine. Just follow my lead. 85 00:03:34,864 --> 00:03:36,790 Y'all want to try? 86 00:03:36,884 --> 00:03:39,292 No, I can't. Ugh, I don't have time. 87 00:03:39,461 --> 00:03:41,127 Just gearing up to go to my job. 88 00:03:41,329 --> 00:03:43,722 It's so fun to get out of the house, have a purpose. 89 00:03:43,873 --> 00:03:46,299 Not just moping around here, sad and empty inside. 90 00:03:46,393 --> 00:03:48,894 Yep, thank God for my job. Right, Wayne? 91 00:03:49,045 --> 00:03:51,788 Absolutely. Having a job is the only thing 92 00:03:51,807 --> 00:03:53,232 that keeps me from putting a gun in my mouth, 93 00:03:53,400 --> 00:03:56,610 pulling the trigger and blowing my head off. 94 00:03:58,388 --> 00:03:59,738 (whispers): I told you, this is not my area. 95 00:03:59,907 --> 00:04:01,573 Oh, I see what's happening. 96 00:04:01,766 --> 00:04:05,077 Y'all are trying to do perverse psychology on me right now. 97 00:04:05,228 --> 00:04:06,578 Mother, we think you should get a job. 98 00:04:06,747 --> 00:04:08,247 It'll give you something to focus on. 99 00:04:08,415 --> 00:04:09,806 Earn a little pocket money. 100 00:04:09,825 --> 00:04:12,976 Oh, hell no. I gave up working a long time ago. 101 00:04:12,995 --> 00:04:14,811 Wait, you had a job? 102 00:04:14,830 --> 00:04:16,421 Jobs. Plural, fool. 103 00:04:16,648 --> 00:04:19,741 I'm no stranger to the working girl lifestyle. 104 00:04:19,760 --> 00:04:21,927 I worked as a secretary. 105 00:04:22,096 --> 00:04:25,764 Do you want me to take a memo, Mr. Stetson? 106 00:04:25,933 --> 00:04:29,584 No, but I'd like to take a mammo. 107 00:04:29,603 --> 00:04:33,663 An assistant to the assistant manager at Hobby Lobby. 108 00:04:33,832 --> 00:04:35,999 You know, Betty, I-I never crafted jack squat. 109 00:04:36,018 --> 00:04:39,093 I come here to see you. 110 00:04:39,187 --> 00:04:44,007 And a line worker at the Dr. Mister factory. 111 00:04:44,100 --> 00:04:45,342 (cheering) 112 00:04:45,360 --> 00:04:47,844 You know what? I like earning my keep, 113 00:04:47,863 --> 00:04:49,346 and I like being out in the world. 114 00:04:49,364 --> 00:04:54,184 And you cannot beat the inter-office dalliances. 115 00:04:54,353 --> 00:04:56,520 Thank the Lord I spent the bulk of last evening 116 00:04:56,613 --> 00:04:59,022 Edward Scissorhands-ing my bathing suit area. 117 00:04:59,191 --> 00:05:02,192 Now I'm going out to Kinko's to work on my resume. 118 00:05:02,285 --> 00:05:04,210 How long do you think it'll take her to find out 119 00:05:04,363 --> 00:05:05,620 there's no more Kinko's? 120 00:05:05,639 --> 00:05:07,714 I hope she drives around for two solid days. 121 00:05:07,866 --> 00:05:11,560 BOTH (singsongy): We got the house back, we got the house back. 122 00:05:14,815 --> 00:05:16,723 Our new friend audition flyer 123 00:05:16,875 --> 00:05:18,375 might be the best thing we've ever done. 124 00:05:18,544 --> 00:05:21,044 A hundred thousand percent. Let's read it one more time. 125 00:05:21,213 --> 00:05:22,470 "It's June 1975. 126 00:05:22,639 --> 00:05:24,397 "You're standing outside CBGB. 127 00:05:24,550 --> 00:05:26,066 "David Byrne comes up to you and says, 128 00:05:26,218 --> 00:05:28,068 "'I'm looking for a fourth Talking Head.' 129 00:05:28,236 --> 00:05:30,645 "That is the scale of this opportunity. 130 00:05:30,814 --> 00:05:32,331 Are you ready to be one of us?" 131 00:05:32,482 --> 00:05:35,316 An opening in the most exclusive club in town? 132 00:05:35,410 --> 00:05:38,795 When the masses find out, it's gonna be a human stampede. 133 00:05:40,265 --> 00:05:42,582 Maybe we need to give it a little more time. 134 00:05:42,734 --> 00:05:44,926 (clock ticking) 135 00:05:46,905 --> 00:05:48,996 Um, hey, I'm Parker. 136 00:05:49,165 --> 00:05:50,891 Am I too late for the audition? 137 00:05:52,094 --> 00:05:54,335 Okay, so your name is Parker. 138 00:05:54,504 --> 00:05:55,837 It's a nickname. 139 00:05:55,931 --> 00:05:57,505 'Cause I tend to just kind of sit in one place. 140 00:05:57,674 --> 00:05:59,507 I gave it to myself. 141 00:05:59,676 --> 00:06:01,777 Sugar-free rock candy? 142 00:06:02,604 --> 00:06:03,937 (Violet and David sigh) 143 00:06:04,089 --> 00:06:05,864 First question: what's your favorite movie? 144 00:06:06,015 --> 00:06:08,850 Um, whatever movie I saw last. 145 00:06:08,944 --> 00:06:10,610 Which was Boss Baby 2. 146 00:06:10,704 --> 00:06:12,112 (Violet and David groan) 147 00:06:12,280 --> 00:06:15,707 All right, next question: what music do you listen to? 148 00:06:15,859 --> 00:06:17,784 Oh, yeah, I'm a big music fan. 149 00:06:17,936 --> 00:06:23,364 I love, um, instruments, and, uh, vocals. 150 00:06:23,533 --> 00:06:24,624 (Violet and David groan loudly) 151 00:06:24,793 --> 00:06:26,126 Oh, my God. 152 00:06:26,294 --> 00:06:28,778 We got to get this dud out of here. 153 00:06:28,797 --> 00:06:31,297 He's like if a manila folder became self-aware. 154 00:06:31,466 --> 00:06:32,391 Huh? 155 00:06:32,559 --> 00:06:34,451 Wait, he is a manila folder. 156 00:06:34,544 --> 00:06:37,287 Which means he can hold anything we put in him. 157 00:06:37,347 --> 00:06:38,730 He's a blank slate. 158 00:06:38,882 --> 00:06:40,065 (sighs) I don't know. 159 00:06:40,234 --> 00:06:42,234 Do we really have the energy to build a friend 160 00:06:42,385 --> 00:06:43,568 from the ground up? 161 00:06:43,737 --> 00:06:45,145 Did I mention I have a car? 162 00:06:45,313 --> 00:06:46,613 Okay, you're in. 163 00:06:48,075 --> 00:06:50,057 -(whistling) -Well, somebody got 164 00:06:50,077 --> 00:06:51,743 new batteries in her wiggle stick. 165 00:06:51,912 --> 00:06:54,304 What? No, I'm just in a good mood. 166 00:06:54,473 --> 00:06:56,806 I've had a whole hour and a half with no Mother. 167 00:06:56,825 --> 00:06:58,992 Uh, it was a real glimpse into how it's gonna be 168 00:06:59,161 --> 00:07:00,977 -when she's dead. -Huh? 169 00:07:00,996 --> 00:07:02,479 I say that with love. 170 00:07:02,648 --> 00:07:03,813 I hope y'all are sitting down 171 00:07:03,832 --> 00:07:05,815 'cause I have some bad news. 172 00:07:05,834 --> 00:07:07,759 That's an expression; keep working. 173 00:07:07,928 --> 00:07:11,004 We got some negative Yelp reviews, y'all. 174 00:07:11,173 --> 00:07:13,823 "No wonder this place is called the Last Supper 175 00:07:13,992 --> 00:07:19,438 because the food here is a biblical plague. One star." 176 00:07:19,665 --> 00:07:21,831 -Aah! -Louise, it's just one person's opinion. 177 00:07:21,850 --> 00:07:23,257 It's not that big a deal. 178 00:07:23,426 --> 00:07:25,259 The Internet sucks. It's only good 179 00:07:25,279 --> 00:07:27,170 for one thing: getting people to commit 180 00:07:27,263 --> 00:07:29,448 to a long-term relationship without ever meeting you. 181 00:07:29,616 --> 00:07:31,341 Just ignore it, Louise. 182 00:07:31,359 --> 00:07:32,842 Long story short, 183 00:07:33,011 --> 00:07:35,845 people need to get seated quicker, so I hired a hostess. 184 00:07:35,939 --> 00:07:38,290 -BETTY: Does anybody even work here? -(gasps) 185 00:07:38,459 --> 00:07:41,960 Greetings from your new greeter, y'all! 186 00:07:46,300 --> 00:07:48,358 Oh, dear God. You hired my mother? 187 00:07:48,451 --> 00:07:50,451 Test, testing, one-two. 188 00:07:50,471 --> 00:07:52,028 ♪ Delta Dawn... ♪ 189 00:07:52,197 --> 00:07:53,955 Oh, yeah, this works for me. 190 00:07:53,974 --> 00:07:56,457 -(laughing) -Mother, there are people 191 00:07:56,626 --> 00:07:57,701 waiting to be seated. 192 00:07:57,869 --> 00:07:59,035 Well, what are you doing right now? 193 00:07:59,128 --> 00:08:01,538 I am entertaining customers. 194 00:08:01,631 --> 00:08:03,206 The hospitality doesn't end 195 00:08:03,299 --> 00:08:05,466 once their butts are in the booths, Jenny. 196 00:08:05,486 --> 00:08:07,210 Now, don't be coy. 197 00:08:07,379 --> 00:08:10,471 I know you must be a model or an actor. 198 00:08:10,491 --> 00:08:12,199 Okay, now what's this? 199 00:08:13,401 --> 00:08:15,994 I need to try the menu so when people ask, 200 00:08:16,163 --> 00:08:17,554 "Is this good? Is that good? 201 00:08:17,723 --> 00:08:19,556 What's this?" 202 00:08:19,725 --> 00:08:21,625 I can have an answer. 203 00:08:23,228 --> 00:08:25,653 Jenny! My new friends over here 204 00:08:25,822 --> 00:08:27,655 need some more iced teas. Think fast! 205 00:08:27,749 --> 00:08:30,133 -(laughter) -(sighs) 206 00:08:31,903 --> 00:08:33,494 VIOLET: Perfection. 207 00:08:33,663 --> 00:08:36,923 So I'm cooler now? 208 00:08:37,092 --> 00:08:40,260 A thousand percent, which brings you up to almost cool. 209 00:08:40,461 --> 00:08:41,761 Ooh, what do we do next? 210 00:08:41,913 --> 00:08:44,097 Should we play something cool like Frisbee? 211 00:08:44,249 --> 00:08:46,266 Sit. We're watching a documentary 212 00:08:46,360 --> 00:08:47,692 about the band Styx. 213 00:08:47,844 --> 00:08:49,936 Oh. And cool people like them? 214 00:08:50,088 --> 00:08:53,273 No. (sighs) Parker, this isn't about liking something. 215 00:08:53,441 --> 00:08:55,700 It's about enjoying how much you don't like something. 216 00:08:55,852 --> 00:08:57,777 We like Styx ironically. 217 00:08:57,871 --> 00:08:59,779 Oh, I get it. 218 00:08:59,931 --> 00:09:03,208 You don't like it, so you do like it. 219 00:09:03,359 --> 00:09:04,543 Okay, let me try: 220 00:09:04,694 --> 00:09:07,712 I like that my gamgam's in the hospital. 221 00:09:07,864 --> 00:09:10,123 Oh, my God. We got so much work to do. 222 00:09:11,126 --> 00:09:12,792 And when I told her I wouldn't give her half my tips, 223 00:09:12,886 --> 00:09:14,719 she wrote my cell phone number on the wall 224 00:09:14,871 --> 00:09:15,962 in the men's bathroom. 225 00:09:16,131 --> 00:09:17,705 So check my phone if you want to know 226 00:09:17,724 --> 00:09:19,132 what every kind of penis looks like. 227 00:09:19,226 --> 00:09:22,118 Jenny, a Yelp review ruined our beautiful plan 228 00:09:22,137 --> 00:09:24,062 and a Yelp review can fix it. 229 00:09:26,641 --> 00:09:28,291 Jenny, there's something I've been meaning 230 00:09:28,310 --> 00:09:30,402 -to tell you for a long... -Wayne, 231 00:09:30,553 --> 00:09:32,237 are you a secret online vigilante? 232 00:09:32,406 --> 00:09:33,646 Oh, come on! 233 00:09:33,740 --> 00:09:35,240 How could you have figured that out? 234 00:09:35,409 --> 00:09:37,075 I gave you zero clues. 235 00:09:37,226 --> 00:09:40,078 Anyways, allow me to introduce to you 236 00:09:40,305 --> 00:09:41,821 my online personage, 237 00:09:41,990 --> 00:09:43,582 Ronnie Tim Tanner. 238 00:09:43,750 --> 00:09:45,083 ♪ ♪ 239 00:09:45,252 --> 00:09:46,976 Ex-Green Beret who's also a three-time 240 00:09:46,995 --> 00:09:49,921 Olympic medalist in the shot put. 241 00:09:50,090 --> 00:09:51,815 That's great, Wayne, 'cause Louise really listens 242 00:09:51,833 --> 00:09:53,574 to male authority figures online. 243 00:09:53,594 --> 00:09:55,985 Uh, everyone does. And not only that. 244 00:09:56,004 --> 00:09:58,488 He dedicated his last gold medal 245 00:09:58,506 --> 00:10:00,414 to an inner-city kid who had beaten cancer. 246 00:10:00,434 --> 00:10:03,435 When an ex-military Olympic medalist with a heart of gold 247 00:10:03,604 --> 00:10:05,937 tells you your small business is getting sloppy, 248 00:10:06,106 --> 00:10:07,421 you listen. 249 00:10:07,666 --> 00:10:09,107 Ronnie Tim and I single-handedly turned around 250 00:10:09,276 --> 00:10:11,835 a Mexican restaurant that had switched to processed cheese, 251 00:10:12,003 --> 00:10:14,854 a mom-and-pop florist that was churning out bouquets 252 00:10:14,948 --> 00:10:17,173 of filler flowers, and we also got people 253 00:10:17,192 --> 00:10:19,266 to give a second chance to a library 254 00:10:19,435 --> 00:10:21,177 where there was a murder in the parking lot. 255 00:10:21,346 --> 00:10:24,514 Then Ronnie Tim became a raging alcoholic. 256 00:10:24,532 --> 00:10:25,915 JENNY: Oh, no. 257 00:10:26,960 --> 00:10:28,275 Why? 258 00:10:28,295 --> 00:10:29,777 WAYNE: Currently, Ronnie Tim can only afford 259 00:10:29,796 --> 00:10:31,204 to live on a houseboat, 260 00:10:31,373 --> 00:10:32,947 blowing his money on booze and hookers. 261 00:10:32,966 --> 00:10:34,448 Any given day, you can see him 262 00:10:34,468 --> 00:10:36,025 stumbling around, 263 00:10:36,194 --> 00:10:37,527 trying not to fall off his house. 264 00:10:37,620 --> 00:10:38,695 Poor guy. 265 00:10:38,864 --> 00:10:40,363 -How much more can he take? -(sighs) 266 00:10:40,532 --> 00:10:42,699 And thanks to long-term steroid abuse, 267 00:10:42,868 --> 00:10:46,127 he's also got jelly dong. 268 00:10:46,146 --> 00:10:47,887 (gasps) Oh, no. 269 00:10:48,039 --> 00:10:50,039 This man has earned the right to be heard. 270 00:10:50,208 --> 00:10:52,058 I think it's time Ronnie Tim 271 00:10:52,210 --> 00:10:54,544 chimed in about the new hostess at the Last Supper. 272 00:10:54,713 --> 00:10:56,062 On it. 273 00:10:56,990 --> 00:10:58,305 VIOLET: Okay, Parker, you were right. 274 00:10:58,325 --> 00:10:59,991 That eyepatch did affect your driving, 275 00:11:00,218 --> 00:11:01,809 -so you can take it off. -Now this, Parker, 276 00:11:01,903 --> 00:11:04,904 is our favorite game: Mega Lo Mart Bingo. 277 00:11:04,998 --> 00:11:07,073 We point out people and award each other points 278 00:11:07,225 --> 00:11:08,983 based on how much of a hot mess they are. 279 00:11:09,152 --> 00:11:10,985 Here, I'll show you. A guy on a Rascal, 280 00:11:11,154 --> 00:11:14,080 two American flags, oxygen tank, buying cigarettes? 281 00:11:14,232 --> 00:11:16,416 -Score, please. -That is actually pretty common, 282 00:11:16,584 --> 00:11:17,917 so that's just 25 points. 283 00:11:18,069 --> 00:11:20,403 Oh, 26, because butt crack. 284 00:11:20,572 --> 00:11:24,832 Now, David, what do I get for... lady in a terrycloth jumpsuit, 285 00:11:25,001 --> 00:11:27,260 drinking a 72-hour energy drink that she hasn't paid for yet. 286 00:11:27,429 --> 00:11:29,929 She isn't shopping, she's clearly just in here waiting 287 00:11:30,081 --> 00:11:33,507 for something to blow over. 288 00:11:33,676 --> 00:11:35,768 Oh, my God, that's 95 points. 289 00:11:35,862 --> 00:11:37,754 Oh, now look at this, Violet. 290 00:11:37,847 --> 00:11:40,573 Kid sniffing deodorants, greasy hair, anime bowling shirt. 291 00:11:40,725 --> 00:11:41,774 I don't even know what to give that. 292 00:11:41,943 --> 00:11:42,942 That's my boy, Brian. 293 00:11:43,111 --> 00:11:45,370 -Brian! -Hey, Parker. 294 00:11:45,521 --> 00:11:47,521 You got to smell the new Axe. It's off the chain. 295 00:11:47,690 --> 00:11:50,783 My mom's gonna be so excited for her fresh-smelling boy. 296 00:11:50,877 --> 00:11:52,618 Wait, you know this guy? 297 00:11:52,787 --> 00:11:54,787 Of course I do. I invited him. 298 00:11:54,881 --> 00:11:57,440 You have other friends? W-Why did you audition? 299 00:11:57,609 --> 00:11:59,959 Hey, I never turn down a chance for friendship. 300 00:12:00,128 --> 00:12:03,888 Violet and David are the coolest people I've ever met. 301 00:12:04,040 --> 00:12:06,282 They're teaching me about irony. 302 00:12:06,301 --> 00:12:08,134 It's like when you say you love something 303 00:12:08,303 --> 00:12:11,120 -that you actually hate. -Ooh, let me try. 304 00:12:11,139 --> 00:12:14,399 I love that my mom's work friend opened the bathroom door on me 305 00:12:14,550 --> 00:12:16,526 while I was peeing last night. 306 00:12:17,462 --> 00:12:19,404 Well, nice meeting you, Brian. 307 00:12:19,631 --> 00:12:21,130 That's what my mom's work friend said 308 00:12:21,149 --> 00:12:23,742 as he shut the bathroom door. 309 00:12:23,893 --> 00:12:26,227 ♪ Look around the world, pretty baby ♪ 310 00:12:26,246 --> 00:12:27,653 ♪ Is it everything... ♪ 311 00:12:27,822 --> 00:12:30,415 This is the worst song I've ever heard. 312 00:12:30,642 --> 00:12:32,976 Total ear acid. 313 00:12:32,994 --> 00:12:35,828 My foot's tapping. Why? 314 00:12:35,997 --> 00:12:37,330 ♪ Look around your world, pretty baby... ♪ 315 00:12:37,499 --> 00:12:39,073 Stop it. 316 00:12:39,242 --> 00:12:41,408 ♪ Is it everything you hoped it would be? ♪ 317 00:12:41,428 --> 00:12:42,986 No! What's happening? 318 00:12:43,004 --> 00:12:44,929 Man, listen to those instruments. 319 00:12:45,156 --> 00:12:48,099 ♪ The wrong guy, the wrong situation ♪ 320 00:12:48,326 --> 00:12:51,770 ♪ The right time to roll to me... ♪ 321 00:12:55,350 --> 00:12:58,518 (gasps) That review we sent wasn't too mean, right? 322 00:12:58,686 --> 00:13:00,336 (grunts) No way. 323 00:13:00,505 --> 00:13:04,616 I mean, there's not a mean bone in Ronnie Tim's body. 324 00:13:06,269 --> 00:13:09,345 (gasps) Unless he's drinking. 325 00:13:09,438 --> 00:13:12,682 LOUISE: Here's a review from Ronnie Tim Tanner. 326 00:13:12,775 --> 00:13:14,350 "If I could give that vulgar, 327 00:13:14,519 --> 00:13:18,354 "dumb-as-a-bag-of-pine-cones hostess zero stars, I would. 328 00:13:18,523 --> 00:13:21,024 "As a former Olympian, I'm here to tell you 329 00:13:21,192 --> 00:13:23,876 "that if they gave gold medals for being terrible at your job 330 00:13:24,029 --> 00:13:26,362 "and having devil eyes, 331 00:13:26,455 --> 00:13:28,865 "Betty Hart would be on that middle podium, 332 00:13:29,034 --> 00:13:30,366 "slaughtering 'The Star-Spangled Banner' 333 00:13:30,535 --> 00:13:33,536 with those Funyuns she calls vocal cords." 334 00:13:33,705 --> 00:13:34,871 (groans) 335 00:13:34,964 --> 00:13:37,298 "Also, the rude hostess made a ton 336 00:13:37,317 --> 00:13:39,133 "of graphic personal phone calls 337 00:13:39,227 --> 00:13:41,377 "and said the owner of the establishment 338 00:13:41,546 --> 00:13:43,746 had a bird face"? 339 00:13:43,748 --> 00:13:45,306 (distorted): Bird face? 340 00:13:45,474 --> 00:13:47,242 Bird face? 341 00:13:48,311 --> 00:13:49,643 Oh, here comes Birdface. 342 00:13:49,812 --> 00:13:51,387 (chuckles): Hi! 343 00:13:51,556 --> 00:13:52,980 (bird screeches) 344 00:13:53,149 --> 00:13:57,076 So, Betty, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to let you go. 345 00:13:57,228 --> 00:13:59,295 ♪ ♪ 346 00:14:04,569 --> 00:14:05,802 (tires screeching) 347 00:14:08,756 --> 00:14:11,424 Welp, that's the end of Betty Hart at the Last Supper. 348 00:14:11,593 --> 00:14:13,167 Good for you, Birdface. 349 00:14:13,336 --> 00:14:14,644 (tires screeching) 350 00:14:18,083 --> 00:14:21,526 All right, looks like my baby needs a spanking. 351 00:14:21,677 --> 00:14:24,845 Time to fight fire with fire. 352 00:14:24,865 --> 00:14:26,030 (line rings) 353 00:14:26,182 --> 00:14:28,867 Rex? Yeah, it's Betty. I need a favor. 354 00:14:29,035 --> 00:14:30,443 Anything you need, Bet. 355 00:14:30,612 --> 00:14:33,096 I got two Judases who need a piece of their own medicine. 356 00:14:33,264 --> 00:14:36,541 What you want-- frame job, rough-up, full-blown murder? 357 00:14:36,710 --> 00:14:38,117 No, I'll tell you what I need-- 358 00:14:38,286 --> 00:14:41,120 an Internet smear campaign via Yelp. 359 00:14:41,272 --> 00:14:43,789 Put the word out-- the nastier the review, 360 00:14:43,884 --> 00:14:45,625 the nastier the reward. 361 00:14:45,719 --> 00:14:47,460 -Betty Hart? -On it. -Anything for Betty. 362 00:14:47,629 --> 00:14:49,220 TRUCKER: Betty, I miss you. 363 00:14:53,876 --> 00:14:56,394 Jenny, can I talk to you? 364 00:14:56,563 --> 00:14:58,621 -(gasps) -(bird screeches) 365 00:14:58,640 --> 00:15:00,899 Louise, what did you do to your face? 366 00:15:01,050 --> 00:15:02,567 Oh, I was just trying some contouring 367 00:15:02,736 --> 00:15:04,551 to make my nose look like less of a beak. 368 00:15:04,571 --> 00:15:07,513 Anyway, Jenny, I was just going through my Yelps, 369 00:15:07,649 --> 00:15:13,244 and you are named in no less than 17 one-star reviews. 370 00:15:13,396 --> 00:15:15,079 -Oh, what? -Oh, yup. 371 00:15:15,248 --> 00:15:17,140 One said you don't wash your hands. 372 00:15:17,158 --> 00:15:19,142 Another said you spit in all the food 373 00:15:19,160 --> 00:15:22,170 and that it's a sexual thing. 374 00:15:23,256 --> 00:15:25,331 PARKER: Thanks for letting us stop here. 375 00:15:25,500 --> 00:15:26,816 Bri and I cannot pass 376 00:15:26,834 --> 00:15:28,818 Boingzone's Jumptastic Trampatheater 377 00:15:28,836 --> 00:15:30,820 without grabbing a few jumps. 378 00:15:30,838 --> 00:15:32,822 How did we end up in this vanilla nightmare? 379 00:15:32,840 --> 00:15:34,915 I mean, look at these snooze-os. 380 00:15:34,935 --> 00:15:37,936 (laughter and playful chatter) 381 00:15:38,163 --> 00:15:40,329 We still hate this, right? 382 00:15:40,348 --> 00:15:41,755 ♪ ♪ 383 00:15:41,775 --> 00:15:44,517 I'm really enjoying this. 384 00:15:44,611 --> 00:15:46,502 Ironically or unironically? 385 00:15:46,671 --> 00:15:48,262 Unclear. 386 00:15:48,281 --> 00:15:49,839 Look how high we're getting. 387 00:15:50,008 --> 00:15:51,007 -Yeah. -You're right. 388 00:15:51,176 --> 00:15:52,116 -Whoa. -Maybe it's too high. 389 00:15:52,285 --> 00:15:54,935 Agreed. Everything in moderation. 390 00:15:54,955 --> 00:15:56,788 Hey, nice moderate jumps. 391 00:15:56,939 --> 00:15:58,347 Right at the recommended level. 392 00:15:58,441 --> 00:15:59,348 Thanks. 393 00:15:59,442 --> 00:16:00,516 You want to jump with us? 394 00:16:00,685 --> 00:16:02,293 Sure. I have some pals, too. 395 00:16:02,462 --> 00:16:03,962 Mind if they jump along? 396 00:16:04,130 --> 00:16:06,355 You know Boingzone's motto. 397 00:16:06,524 --> 00:16:09,375 KIDS: You can never have too many hoppers. 398 00:16:09,469 --> 00:16:11,952 Wait a minute. We just wanted one new friend to push around, 399 00:16:11,972 --> 00:16:14,121 and now he's somehow in charge? 400 00:16:14,140 --> 00:16:18,868 We... have... to... put a stop... to this. 401 00:16:18,961 --> 00:16:21,037 Yeah... sucks. 402 00:16:21,147 --> 00:16:23,889 We'll do... one game of... bouncy basketball, 403 00:16:24,042 --> 00:16:25,466 and then we'll tell 'em what's up. 404 00:16:25,485 --> 00:16:28,227 Exactly. No more than two games of bouncy ball, 405 00:16:28,379 --> 00:16:29,737 and then we're done. 406 00:16:35,553 --> 00:16:38,979 Hey, Mom, I hope you're having a great day. 407 00:16:39,907 --> 00:16:42,074 I was just reading one of my latest Yelp reviews, 408 00:16:42,243 --> 00:16:44,651 and one of them was all about my B.O., 409 00:16:44,820 --> 00:16:46,746 and the other says I ignore the elderly. 410 00:16:46,898 --> 00:16:48,898 Can you believe that? 411 00:16:49,067 --> 00:16:50,583 No. That's so awful 412 00:16:50,735 --> 00:16:54,661 that an anonymous person would slander you like that. 413 00:16:54,830 --> 00:16:57,089 These Internet people can be brutal, can't they? 414 00:16:57,242 --> 00:16:59,726 Yes, they can. 415 00:17:03,915 --> 00:17:05,839 Uh-oh, what'd I walk into? 416 00:17:05,933 --> 00:17:07,525 Wayne, I thought you were at work. 417 00:17:07,676 --> 00:17:09,027 Nope, I got sent home 418 00:17:09,178 --> 00:17:11,512 'cause Bigsby's got a Yelp review that said 419 00:17:11,680 --> 00:17:14,515 "Wayne Edwards pee-pees in the floor sample toilets 420 00:17:14,609 --> 00:17:16,776 and thinks the DMV did 9/11." 421 00:17:16,870 --> 00:17:18,560 (gasps) Mother. 422 00:17:18,687 --> 00:17:20,112 I'm as upset as you are, 423 00:17:20,206 --> 00:17:24,042 and, boy, I hope more bad Yelp reviews aren't on the way. 424 00:17:24,193 --> 00:17:27,103 But something tells me they sure as hell are. (laughs) 425 00:17:27,196 --> 00:17:30,381 Wayne, I, I think you've got some e-mails to write, 426 00:17:30,533 --> 00:17:31,382 don't you? 427 00:17:31,534 --> 00:17:33,593 Yeah, okay. 428 00:17:34,796 --> 00:17:36,637 (knuckles cracking) 429 00:17:38,224 --> 00:17:39,799 ♪ 430 00:17:39,967 --> 00:17:42,935 What are you waiting for, soft boy? 431 00:17:44,305 --> 00:17:45,805 RONNIE TIM: You caused this, Wayne. 432 00:17:45,899 --> 00:17:47,640 Huh? Who's talking to me right now? 433 00:17:47,792 --> 00:17:50,234 It's me, Olympic hero Ronnie Tim. 434 00:17:50,461 --> 00:17:51,811 Can't you see me? 435 00:17:51,963 --> 00:17:53,780 Focus on my voice. 436 00:17:55,149 --> 00:17:57,241 Wow, this is exactly how I imagined it. 437 00:17:57,468 --> 00:18:00,745 Wayne, I know you created me with good intentions, 438 00:18:00,914 --> 00:18:02,747 and we put quite a few small businesses 439 00:18:02,898 --> 00:18:04,640 on the right track together, 440 00:18:04,659 --> 00:18:07,310 but this isn't online justice. 441 00:18:07,328 --> 00:18:08,586 It's trolling, 442 00:18:08,813 --> 00:18:11,147 and I can't be a part of that anymore. 443 00:18:11,165 --> 00:18:13,925 I'm gonna solve this for the both of us. 444 00:18:15,336 --> 00:18:17,136 Ronnie Tim! 445 00:18:17,931 --> 00:18:19,138 (distorted): No. 446 00:18:20,040 --> 00:18:22,325 Y'all, get off your devices. 447 00:18:22,343 --> 00:18:25,603 We've got to hash this out in the real world, face-to-face. 448 00:18:25,830 --> 00:18:27,772 Betty, I was the one who came up with the idea 449 00:18:27,941 --> 00:18:31,167 to write the negative review to get you fired. 450 00:18:31,336 --> 00:18:33,611 -From the job y'all told me to get. -JENNY: Yes, 451 00:18:33,762 --> 00:18:36,172 but what we should have told you from the very beginning is, 452 00:18:36,341 --> 00:18:38,574 sometimes we need space from you. 453 00:18:40,477 --> 00:18:41,285 Well... 454 00:18:41,454 --> 00:18:42,845 (exhales) 455 00:18:42,938 --> 00:18:45,197 There it is, y'all. 456 00:18:45,350 --> 00:18:47,274 Mother, get away from the knife drawer. 457 00:18:47,293 --> 00:18:48,684 I'm just getting my keys. 458 00:18:48,853 --> 00:18:49,961 I'm gonna go hang out with people 459 00:18:50,130 --> 00:18:53,297 who actually want to see me. 460 00:18:54,950 --> 00:18:56,359 (distant laughter and playful chatter) 461 00:18:56,527 --> 00:18:58,861 How come we're not sitting closer to Parker? 462 00:18:58,954 --> 00:19:00,787 This is bullcrap. 463 00:19:00,923 --> 00:19:02,865 Parker's one job was to love and adore us. 464 00:19:02,958 --> 00:19:04,884 But then he goes and adds all these other strays? 465 00:19:04,978 --> 00:19:07,103 We got to tell Parker to just cut them loose. 466 00:19:08,373 --> 00:19:10,556 Hey, Parker, can we talk? 467 00:19:10,708 --> 00:19:12,224 (inhales) 468 00:19:12,377 --> 00:19:14,968 Yeah, I need to talk to you, too. 469 00:19:14,988 --> 00:19:19,306 We've had a vote and we decided-- ah, I hate this-- 470 00:19:19,400 --> 00:19:23,143 but you guys don't belong in our group anymore. 471 00:19:23,163 --> 00:19:24,220 Your group? 472 00:19:24,389 --> 00:19:25,404 Yeah, we had a vote, 473 00:19:25,648 --> 00:19:28,649 and I'm afraid you two are gonna have to bounce, 474 00:19:28,817 --> 00:19:30,651 and not in the awesome way. 475 00:19:30,819 --> 00:19:32,745 Wait, you're kicking us out? 476 00:19:32,897 --> 00:19:35,414 Don't worry, whenever no one else is around, 477 00:19:35,566 --> 00:19:38,492 I'll totally be friends with you. 478 00:19:38,586 --> 00:19:40,661 Also, I just want you to know 479 00:19:40,829 --> 00:19:44,307 I didn't enjoy hanging out with you today. 480 00:19:48,170 --> 00:19:49,595 Ooh, you want to go flag down motorists 481 00:19:49,764 --> 00:19:51,171 like it's an emergency, 482 00:19:51,191 --> 00:19:52,598 and then, when they pull over, call them pedos? 483 00:19:52,750 --> 00:19:54,266 Get out of my head. 484 00:19:54,419 --> 00:19:56,009 Good call on carryout. 485 00:19:56,178 --> 00:19:57,678 Oh, it's gonna feel so good 486 00:19:57,846 --> 00:19:59,697 eating these Bloomin' Onions in an empty house. 487 00:19:59,848 --> 00:20:01,348 I'd eat a box of hair 488 00:20:01,517 --> 00:20:03,776 as long as we get to eat it in an empty house. (whoops) 489 00:20:03,945 --> 00:20:06,687 ♪ Empty house is just you and me ♪ 490 00:20:06,781 --> 00:20:07,780 ♪ We can bone in the kitchen ♪ 491 00:20:07,949 --> 00:20:10,958 ♪ And no one'll see. ♪ 492 00:20:15,790 --> 00:20:17,381 (sighs) 493 00:20:17,533 --> 00:20:19,792 BETTY: Now, why'd y'all make me rush home? 494 00:20:19,961 --> 00:20:22,553 All my girlfriends were so disappointed 495 00:20:22,705 --> 00:20:24,113 I had to bail early. 496 00:20:24,131 --> 00:20:26,724 Well, I'm sure all your best friends will miss you, 497 00:20:26,875 --> 00:20:29,468 but the thing is, Wayne and I need you more. 498 00:20:29,637 --> 00:20:32,063 Uh, yeah, we realized date night 499 00:20:32,214 --> 00:20:34,473 just wasn't the same without you. 500 00:20:34,567 --> 00:20:36,792 I thought y'all needed space. 501 00:20:36,811 --> 00:20:40,387 Yes, Mother, sometimes that will be the case. 502 00:20:40,556 --> 00:20:45,201 But tonight we were hoping you'd join us for family date night. 503 00:20:46,061 --> 00:20:47,411 What are we watching? 504 00:20:47,638 --> 00:20:49,247 Ooh, she has let herself go. 505 00:20:49,415 --> 00:20:50,414 Who's she married to again? 506 00:20:50,641 --> 00:20:51,532 That's not his real hair. 507 00:20:51,584 --> 00:20:52,825 She's put on weight. 508 00:20:52,994 --> 00:20:54,794 Isn't he a druggie? 509 00:20:59,150 --> 00:21:01,133 I don't trust that guy. Those aren't his real teeth. 510 00:21:01,261 --> 00:21:02,426 Wait, and is that a wig? 511 00:21:02,595 --> 00:21:04,762 Ten dollars says that man is fully bald. 512 00:21:04,989 --> 00:21:06,931 He barely even has eyebrows left. 513 00:21:07,100 --> 00:21:09,767 I think I might be enjoying this unironically. 514 00:21:09,936 --> 00:21:11,327 What does that mean? 515 00:21:11,345 --> 00:21:13,437 Think it means if you can't beat 'em, join 'em. 516 00:21:13,606 --> 00:21:15,331 I'm sorry, but that lady has had too much work done. 517 00:21:15,500 --> 00:21:18,442 Yeah, the only acting she can do is wide awake. 518 00:21:18,594 --> 00:21:21,261 Listen up, y'all, somebody's gonna jump out any second. 519 00:21:21,281 --> 00:21:23,614 They should've put Cassandra Bullock in this one. 520 00:21:23,783 --> 00:21:25,283 Y'all, I'm telling you, any second... 521 00:21:25,451 --> 00:21:27,285 -(woman screams on TV) -(all scream) -Oh, my God! 522 00:21:27,453 --> 00:21:29,787 BETTY: Spoiler alert: that's a man. 523 00:21:30,047 --> 00:21:31,847 -(meows) -(horn honks musically) 524 00:21:32,016 --> 00:21:33,440 Captioning sponsored by BENTO BOX ENTERTAINMENT 525 00:21:33,459 --> 00:21:35,126 and TOYOTA.