What's going on with y'all this weekend?
I heard Brenda on the phone,
ordering a party bus and a dirty cantaloupe centerpiece
from Edible Arrangements.
Edible Derangements.
It's like an erotic knockoff? Probably not gonna
stand up in court. Anyway,
Brenda is throwing a bachelorette party
for her cousin Brenda.
Not just a bachelorette party.
The throwdown to end all throwdowns,
starring the whole Brenda clan.
We got a party bus, drunk tubing,
and as many male strippers as you can legally have
before you got to call it a "nudist colony."
Ooh, now, Jenny, just be careful.
Last time one of the Brendas had
a bachelorette party, this one went missing for five days,
and this one--
meaning you, Jenny-- got bit by a police horse.
Yeah, it was awful.
You know what, Brenda?
I-I think I got to sit this one out.
Good for you, Jenny.
You keep this up, soon you'll be having
just as much fun as me.
Okay, off to my dead husband's grave.
Doo-doo-doo-doo!
What the hell are you going?
I'm pouring out some weak sauce
to honor my best friend,
who died of Can't Hang Disease.
Oh, come on, Brenda. I-I can't party like I used to.
-I'm a mom now. -(man shouts)
-(Jenny laughs) -There's my little hellraiser.
♪ ♪
Jenny, shouldn't you be packing?
Oh, for the Brenda Bachelorette?
Yeah, I don't know.
I don't know if I want to go to an all-weekend party.
I mean, it's not that I can't hang. I was just planning
on organizing my closet this weekend.
Jenny, just go.
You can be a responsible adult
and still have fun every once in a while.
When's the last time you really blew it out?
Yeah, go party, Miss Martyr. I can watch Violet.
There's a covered dish tonight at church.
Violet can be my arm candy.
Sorry, but there's no way
that I'm going to another church potluck.
If I see green Jell-O with marshmallows in it,
I will never stop screaming.
Violet, you don't have to get within six feet of Jell-O.
We can hang out this weekend, you and me.
-Wait, really? -Yep, a father-daughter weekend.
Sorry, common-law stepfather.
Ah, nope. Wayne-Violet weekend.
No father anywhere near that.
Wayne, you're gonna have to be more like a father than a buddy.
-(horn honking) -(women whooping)
Come on, Jenny! Jump through the ring of fire, girl!
-Go! I got this. -Mom, just go.
-(women whooping, cheering) -You're sure?
-Oh, my Lord, just go! -Okay, you talked me into it.
Don't eat a bunch of trash and stay up too late.
And lock all the doors. And drink all the milk
before it expires!
(women whooping, clamoring)
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ Oh, yeah, one, two, three, four... ♪
(cheering and whooping)
I cannot for the life of me understand
why my potato salad is still untouched.
People are passing it up just to spite me.
Bobbie Nell, your potato salad is always
covered in cigarette ashes.
Uh-oh! Looks like we got a Bud situation.
BETTY: Never comes to service.
He only worships at the altar of free food.
BOBBIE NELL: He pounded all the ham biscuits
and laid waste to the ambrosia.
Oh, and now he's moved on to my chicken?
Eating it up before any actual children of God can get a taste?
This stops now.
Well, well, well,
if it isn't Bud Bullard.
All right now, Betty. If it wasn't for my strip club,
no one would even feel guilty enough to come here on Sunday.
(inhales deeply)
Plus, your thighs are my favorite.
You are gross. Manhandling my breasts, as well.
Welp, back to reveling in the Lord's bounty.
This stops now.
I got to get this blasphemous pig out of the Lord's trough.
-(phone rings, vibrates) -Go for Bud.
(deep voice): Bud, where you at?
I just pulled into your club, and it's on fire!
-What?! -I said
your filthy strip club is on fire.
Oh, no! My club! My girls!
Hup-- oh, gaw! Oh, my heart!
Here it comes. Oh, this ain't good.
Uh-oh.
Don't you quit on me, heart! Oh!
I'm gonna take one more bite of this-- nope, bad idea.
Ooh. Overshot it.
Okay, we've got French bread, pizzas,
popcorn and fixings for s'mores.
I was thinking we could have a movie night,
-then an indoor campout. -(girls laughing)
Um, sure.
I think people are really loving our shirts.
They're so jealous.
Okay, so since I put on your fun T-shirt,
can we do something I want to do now?
Like, can we buy these fedoras
and go over to the Mega Joe Mart Café
and take our pictures as we sip espressos
and pretend we're in Paris?
One million percent yes on the fedoras,
but I'm pretty sure your mom doesn't like you
to have caffeine-- let me check.
No, Wayne. You don't need to call Mom! (groans)
(women whooping, clamoring)
-BRENDA: Hey, don't splash me! -(phone ringing)
Jenny Hart speaking here.
Hey, Jenny. Violet's fine.
-Uh, I just wanted to ask... -Catch!
(whooping)
-ALL: Oh! -My cooter bone!
(slurring): Wait, sorry, Wayne. Say that again?
I just wanted to check, is Violet allowed to have espresso?
Oh, right. Okay, here are the caffeine rules...
Jenny, come on!
You're talking about rules?
Like some Jenny narc-ass lifeguard?
Lame.
Wayne, there are no rules this weekend! (chuckles)
(quietly): Except for the important ones.
Which you know which is which.
The only rules this weekend are people that rule!
(quietly): Use your best judgment.
We're both using our best judgment this weekend.
(shouts)
-I'm covered in snakes! -(beeps)
So, what did she say?
Um, she said I should decide for myself.
Okay, well, what do you say?
All right, let me think it through.
Huh?
Sorry, Vi, you can't have that coffee drink.
"Okay, Wayne, I'll look for a different kind of high.
Drugs. Alcohol. Whipped cream cans."
Vi, you're drunk. You got to get clean.
"Then I'm running away."
Berlin. Discotheques.
(German accent): "Yeah, Fraulein,
you really want to party?"
Wake up. Bathtub full of ice.
Kidneys gone.
Nein!
Jenny, I'm sorry!
Okay. Two espressos.
I wrote a screenplay, Wayne. I wrote a screenplay.
It's 230 pages, Wayne.
It all takes place in the basket of a hot-air balloon, Wayne.
-What are you waiting for? Take my picture. Take it! -(gasps)
Take it, take it, take it! Take it now.
(sips, chuckles)
WAYNE: Holy!
Okay, giving you the credit card
was probably a mistake.
Was it? (laughs)
Yeah! Look at this.
(door creaking)
(monitor beeping steadily)
Poor dumb baby. What did I do to you?
Just came to check on you, 'cause-'cause I feel guil...
guil... guilty.
♪
Oh, look at you, laying there so vulnerable
in the moonlight glow.
Layin' down, your stomach flattens out a little bit.
I get a glimpse of the potent, virile man you once were.
Betty, stop it.
What are these thoughts you're having?
Do not let your guilt get you all horned-up.
Betty? Is that Betty Hart?
(shushing) Save your strength.
I'll be honest, I didn't know
if anyone would turn out to visit me.
I'm used to people crossing the street to avoid this old perv.
Bud, you know what,
when you aren't slobbering all over young boobies,
you're actually kind of sweet.
Betty, what time is it?
-6:30. -Mm.
What was that for?
I promised myself if you ever gave me the time of day,
I'd kiss you like there's no tomorrow.
Oh, lookee there.
The clock just struck 6:31.
(kissing)
(Bud and Betty laugh)
Did you know that all matter is merely energy
condensed to a slow vibration
and we are all one consciousness
experiencing itself subjectively?
(gasps) Ooh, ooh, ooh! Let's go see a movie.
Oh, Vi, I-I don't know. It's so late.
Let's maybe let your mom weigh in on this.
Wayne, no...
(ringing, vibrating)
(laughing)
You sure that's the horse
-that bit ya? -(snorts)
Brenda, you don't forget the sumbitch police horse
who bit you at a bachelorette party in 2012!
Well, what are you gonna do about it,
write your congressman?
(gulping)
-(bottle shatters) -Taste teeth, pig horse!
-Attagirl. -(whooping)
-COP: Hey! -(horse neighs)
(groans) She's not picking up.
Because she so completely trusts you
to do the right thing, Wayne. Didn't you hear her say that?
I heard her say that.
Yeah, but I don't know...
Okay. Bye-bye to the best weekend of my life.
Guess this Hang Zone shirt
isn't worth the poly-cotton blend it's printed on.
No, you're right.
This is the Hang Zone!
Grab those melted-into-a-blob Twizzlers out
of the glove compartment.
We're going to the dang movies!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
♪ ♪
-(cheering) -(pulsing dance music playing)
Wayne, I want a nose ring!
Violet, no. Absolutely n...
♪ ♪
-(clicks) -Hang Zone!
Hang Zone.
Hello? Could you shine that spotlight down a hair?
-(gasps) -(jangling)
-What the? -All jump for the Honorable Judge David Lee Roth.
As the bailiff, I will be translating,
as Judge DLR only speaks in "whoas"
and "bozy-bozy-bob-ditty-bops."
Wow!
Oh, man.
DLR's a judge?
(scatting)
Ow!
Yes.
(scatting) Bad dad!
(scatting) Negligence!
Ditty-bop! Whoa!
Witness. Ow!
You're on trial for gross negligence
and for being a piss-poor father.
Who's our first witness?
Violet!
State your name.
Whoa! Aah!
I was once known as Violet Hart.
But now I'm Violence Hate.
I live on the fringe between the cracks,
in the seedy underbelly of...
(scatting): What made you this way, little ditty-bop?
He did. I used to think some things were sacred:
laws, family, Bea Arthur's musical number
in The Star Wars Holiday Special.
Then Wayne taught me anything can be defiled,
even the nose on your face.
Thank you, Wayne, for teaching me
the real unsightly hole... is society!
Violet, no!
Hi, guys. I'm home.
My baby!
Wayne, how could you let... this... happen?
-(gavel bangs) -♪ I-I-I-I-I-I ♪
♪ I declare you guilty ♪
♪ So guilty, so guilty! ♪
-Wayne Edwards, you're guilty. -(gasps)
(scatting)
Judge DLR wants to know what you are doing
after the trial, honey.
Visiting your chambers.
(scatting)
Wow! (speaking gibberish)
I deserve this!
Aah! Violet.
Violet, you got to take that thing out.
Your mom's gonna kill us both, and then
she's gonna dig me up and kill me again.
It's fine, it's fun. She's gonna love it.
-How do you work this thing? -There's a switch on the back.
Nah. No! What am I doing?
♪ Let's give 'em something to talk about ♪
Just hide that thing until we figure out what to do.
♪ How about love, love, love? ♪
You got a piercing, didn't you?
-How did you know? -Y'all were giving off panic pheromones
from a mile away.
Now Vi's got her head in the fridge?
Either you're trying to get to Narnia via the Frigidaire,
or you got something on your face.
And by the timb-ray of your voice, I'm guessing nose ring.
-(can hissing) -Nope, you're wrong about that,
'cause I'm just huffing whipped cream.
Don't you try to Miss Doubtfire me.
I invented that move.
-Ugh. -Betty, real quick.
Can you get Jenny to get Violet to take out her nose ring
without realizing that Violet even has a nose ring,
or that I let her get it? Please?
I can't right now! I'm freakin' out in love!
-So? What's new? -It's all new.
He's completely wrong for me.
Wrong time, wrong man.
But apparently, all these wrongs are adding up
to something that is oh, so right.
Now I got to go splash some Jean Naté on my fun zones
-'cause everything's moving at lightning speed. -Oh!
Ding-dong.
Nurse Betty's here to give you your tongue bath.
There she is, the original hottie.
Betty, meet Tampa and Emoji.
They're gonna take me home. I'm getting released.
-Hey! -Hey!
Okay, ring, ring. It's recess.
All you school kids get on out of here.
Nurse Betty will take it from here.
Okay, feel better, Bud!
You two have fun.
(women giggle)
How you doing, Bud?
Ah, they got me eating egg whites
and salt-free chicken soup.
It's all the worst foods without their best part.
Sure makes me miss your fried chicken.
And I missed your Polish sausage.
(laughing): Oh, Betty, you are so gross.
So are you, Bud.
But together, we make something beautiful.
You know, it's the craziest thing.
I still can't remember what happened
right before my heart attacked.
I was making a plate, and then...
Wait a minute. Did I get a phone call?
I don't know, but you're about to get a bone call.
Looks like I finally got the medicine I needed.
Ten cc's of Smoochacil coming right up.
Uh-uh.
Hmm?
(grunts)
-(camera clicking) -You saw how fast Betty Hart figured out what we did.
I guarantee you Jenny Hart is not far behind.
She's probably having a phantom pain in her nostril as we speak.
Wayne, you made a decision.
And it was the right decision because now I love you.
Oh, my God, I hate being in charge. (sighs)
I'll text Jenny and tell her how great everything's going
to buy us some time.
"Dear Jenny..."
-(ringing) -Ah, shoot! I hit FaceTime!
-Just hang up. -Oh, I can't.
She'll think something's up. Cover your face!
(all whooping, laughing)
(snoring)
Crap! Wayne wants to FaceTime.
I'm on my way home. We're getting the check.
Everything's fine on our end, too.
Don't you worry. Just stay and have fun.
Violet's just drinking coffee, or... juice out of a mug.
Which is how she likes it. Isn't that right?
Yeah. Orange juice-y.
Great. I'm sober and my eyes are open.
(imitates static)
Whoa! Bad connection, I guess. Bye.
I'm proud of you, Bud.
Following doctor's orders, eating all healthy.
I'll tell you, it is weird to be attracted
to someone I do not employ.
Oh, look who got that wrap dress I wanted.
I would have purchased it, but someone called me
when I was at checkout and said my house was on fire.
Ha. Well, it was nice seeing you.
It's Betty's go-to move, you know.
What?!
Your filthy strip club is on fire!
Oh, no, no, no. I-I remember it now.
That call I got right before my heart attacked--
-that was you! -(gasps) I can explain.
That's why you're-you're here with me?
'Cause you feel guilty?
No! I-I... I mean, at first, maybe I did.
But then I fell for you, Bud, for real.
Oh, I don't care about stuff like this.
I'm a pervert and that's all I am.
-(door closes) -Oops.
-Bud, wait! -Wait! You haven't paid!
Your manager just told me that your house is on fire.
Oh, no!
I'm home! Hope you guys didn't get into any trouble,
'cause I sure didn't. Ha.
(hiccups) That wasn't... anything.
Well, our weekend was great, too.
So fun and just good clean, responsible fun.
Oh, I did go kind of crazy
and get all these piercings. (laughs)
Is that the craziest thing you've ever seen in your life?
Ha-ha, yup! There's no topping this one.
Oh, and Violet pierced her nose.
Anyway, maybe I'll regret it, maybe I won't.
Just life. That's all. Life decisions.
(grunts) Okay. Geez.
Wow. Well,
I'm gonna go lay down for 8,000 hours.
Oh, my God, did that actually...?
-Violet, did you pierce your freaking nose?! -(both gasp)
And, Wayne, did you glue some fishing tackle
and hairpins on your face to try and distract me?
Jenny, you don't understand.
We were in the Hang Zone Extreme Zone.
A nose ring?! You know what, Wayne?
These aren't your decisions to make.
Lucky you, you-you get to swoop in here
and do the fun stuff 'cause you're not her dad.
(groans)
I'll take care of this.
You just go hang out in the Fun Zone or whatever.
And I'm gonna need my bob pins back!
(door closes)
JENNY: Here's what's happening.
Violet, you're grounded till you're 38.
Now get your bedazzled little honker
in your room until I say you can come out. Now!
All right, give it to me, too.
I deserve it. Read me the riot act.
No, you are not gonna get me to not lay into you
by playing like you want me to lay into you.
-What? -I don't know.
I can't even look at you right now.
I'm so frustrated and hungover.
Just never make a decision about Violet ever again.
(sighs)
(pulsing dance music playing)
♪ ♪
Stop the music!
-(music stops) -Shame on you, Betty Hart.
Playing with a man's emotions like that.
And not even for money. You're disgusting!
He's a mess, thanks to you.
Girls, what happened to the music?
Oh. Hello, Betty.
-Can we talk? -Hmm. Hmm.
Bud, it's true.
I did make that call saying your club was ablaze.
-But I'm not gonna say I'm sorry. -Uh, what?
'Cause it brought me into your life.
Aw, Betty, you broke my heart, and that's how I know it's real.
I promise to never break your heart again.
Get in here.
Mmm. Oh, Betty, yeah.
Mmm, mmm. Oh, Bet...
Oh. Oh, God! My heart!
Emoji, call 911!
(dog barking)
Oh, I thought you left.
I'm not leaving you here alone.
You're grounded. Now, get back in your room.
Can I just get a snack?
I guess.
-Whoa! -What?
You look like a punk-rock Rudolph.
Which I know sounds awesome, but trust me, it's not.
Ow! No, don't touch it.
It's how it's supposed to look.
No. It's definitely infected.
We're going to the doctor.
If you take me to the doctor,
I am never stepping foot in the Hang Zone again.
Welp, nice knowing you.
(distant siren wailing)
(chime over P.A.)
Can you help us? I think her nose is infected.
Oh, yeah, we need to get on that quick.
Okay, Dad, we just need you to fill out these forms,
-and we'll get her on back. -(Violet yells)
Well, I'm... (sighs)
I'm not exactly her father.
Oh. Well, we're gonna need to speak to a legal guardian.
(sighs)
(phone rings, vibrates)
Jenny, I'm at the hospital with Violet. She's fine.
But her nose is infected.
They're gonna patch her up, but they want
to talk to a legal guardian.
-Mom, my nose is fine! -Your nose is not fine!
Jenny, I know I'm not her bio dad,
but I love her like a dad, and I want to take care of her
like a dad, and this nose ring is coming out now!
Wayne, you're the suckiest person in the world.
Wait, Violet. What did you just call him?
The suckiest person in the whole world.
Okay, well, if you're saying Wayne sucks,
then I know he's doing something right parent-wise.
Point the phone at the nurse.
I'm listening.
I can confirm Wayne is officially a dad now.
(rapid beeping)
Lord, forgive me. I did it again, y'all.
I'd like to propose a toast: to healing, both relationships
-and noses. -Violet,
I still can't believe you would defile your body like that.
You can't just go crazy and go wherever your impulses take you.
-Whoops! -Here, let me help you with those.
Mom! Did you...?
Okay, I can explain.
Jenny Hart, what the hell have you done to your body?
Okay, this is totally different. I am an adult,
and this is a very classy and understated artistic expression
that the Brendas dared me to get.
-(meows) -(horn honks musically)
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