Okay, do we need anything else in this aisle?
Not unless you're looking to buy spiral notebooks,
VHS tapes or diabetes candy.
-(rock music plays over P.A.) -(gasps) Tarla J!
Is "Tarla J," like, a facial cream or...?
I'm not seeing it on this shelf.
No! This is Tarla J! Hello?
"Inhabit My Body," parentheses, "Get Inside," parentheses,
"My Heart," exclamation point!
This is my jam!
OMG, I used to want to be her!
Oh, come on, Violet. Get in on this!
You used to love me dancing in stores.
You used to laugh your little buns off.
♪ I see you over there ♪
-♪ Inhabit my body, get inside ♪ -Ma'am. Ma'am.
-♪ Get to know me, honey ♪ -Please stop dancing on me to Tarla J.
♪ Get into me like I'm into you... ♪
Mom, you are so embarrassing.
How are you not lit up right now, Vi?
If anything, it's dimming my life force.
-(Jenny whoops) -Okay,
I'm gonna go recharge my light and go stare
at the nervous teens in the family planning aisle.
♪ You're gonna love this ride... ♪
Mother!
♪ My emotions, my body is an ocean... ♪
Did you hear that? Ooh, here comes the hot drop.
-♪ Take a sip ♪ -♪ With those lips, mmm. ♪
♪ ♪
Vi, look what I got. Cakefetti!
Remember we used to make Cakefetti cakes
and dance around in the kitchen to Rock 92?
Let's make Cakefetti.
No. No, thanks.
Okay, well, you want to watch a Snapped marathon on Oxygen?
Or let's prank call funeral homes and say,
"Let me out! I'm still alive,
and I'm trapped in one of your coffins."
Mother!
And there you have it.
She'd rather sit alone in her room
and eat an apple than hang out with me.
Oh, my Lord on high! I found it!
A genuine, weather-worn Route 66 highway sign.
I made my high school boyfriend try to steal me one of these,
and he got creamed by a semi.
-Oh. -Ugh. Oh, Lord.
It's at the Mountain Flea up in Cullowhee.
-(Wayne sighs) -But I got to find a way
to get up the mountain to Cullowhee.
And early, since these things do go fast.
Wayne?
I'm not taking your mother to Cullowhee. No way.
I'm sick and tired of doing stuff for her
and never, ever getting a thank-you.
It's like she thinks I'm her manservant.
I don't like being taken for granted over and over.
Okay, Betty. I got your adult diapers
and your 'roid cream.
And your down-there irritation balm.
Wayne, you forgot my Bit-O-Honeys.
-(thunder crashes) -You see anything now?!
No. Just keep tilting it.
Oh, there we go. Perfect. Don't move it.
But it won't stay in this position on its own!
-(thunder crashes) -(yelling)
Hmm? (grunts)
Jenny, I can't do it anymore.
(sighs) So how do you want to get out of this?
You want to fake a nosebleed?
No, we've done that before.
It's got to be a real injury.
Where do you want it? Toe? Nutsack?
Okay, you know what? I'll take her.
Because on the way up that mountain,
I'm gonna demand a thank-you.
You're gonna demand a thank-you from Betty Hart?
Wayne, I'm offering you a much easier option
with this meat tenderizer to the crotch.
I'm gonna demand a thank-you,
and I bet my straightforwardness will finally earn her respect.
Mm...
-Hey, Betty, I can... -(horn honking)
(engine revs)
-(sustained honking) -(Wayne sighs)
I could watch hamsters eating tiny meals
24 hours a day for the rest of my mortal and immortal life.
Do you think when hamsters watch us eat, they think we're cute?
How could they not?
I tried to show this amazing vid to my mom.
She just stared at me like I was cray.
My mom and I don't have much in common anymore.
-It's, like, a bummer. -Wait.
Who is this gorgeous weirdo? Tarla J?
♪ ♪
-♪ Inhabit my body... ♪ -VIOLET: Oh, yeah.
That's that crappy song
my mom was dancing to in the grocery store.
♪ Inhabit... ♪
Hang on. I think we need to do a deeper dive.
I've seen her on Celebrity Prison-House.
I am sensing a train wreck here. Click on this one.
NARRATOR: Tarlulah Jade Bullock was born in Pensacola, Florida,
and was reborn "Tarla J" when discovered
by producer and star-maker Morty Grove at a Raging Waters.
He liked to scout at water parks to get,
"the lay of the land" on potential young stars.
Creepy Svengali manager. Yes!
NARRATOR: Success came swiftly for Tarla.
Perhaps too quickly.
Vi, this is actually great.
Her and her mom partying together
in matching Juicy tracksuits? Check.
Estranged trailer-park father uses Tarla's money
to start an acai-flavored vodka company? Check.
Please let there be a quickie marriage to a bodyguard
or a femmy grandson of a Greek shipping tycoon?
Check and... check.
You know what this trip reminds me of?
The time my meemaw drove me all the way down
to Florida for Wrestle-Con, and I just thanked her so much.
I never stopped thanking her.
It's so important to say "thank you" out loud
so people know how grateful you are.
Wayne, are you doing the speed limit?
Of course. Don't you worry about that.
You'll thank me later.
Oh, you idiot.
Everybody knows the real speed limit is ten above.
By the time we get to the Mountain Flea,
my sign will be gone-zo.
Fine. Is this what you want?
(engine revs, tires squeal)
♪
Why couldn't my daughter marry a man with a real car, Gene?
Lydia, this is a real car.
-(horn honking) -BETTY: Attention tiny car!
We have a flea market emergency. Move your ass!
Betty, stop. Tiny car, we have no quarrel with you.
Could you please move over? Thank you!
♪ Get out of the way, you're driving in the fast lane ♪
♪ Get out of the way, get out of the way ♪
♪ Get out of the way, you're driving in the fast lane ♪
♪ Get out of the way. ♪
-(chirps) -(siren wailing)
Great.
Don't worry, Wayne.
I got a couple sweater doughnuts for this cop.
-Betty, no! -(taps on glass)
-♪ If you don't lick it ♪ -♪ Lollipop song ♪
♪ If you don't lick it, I will ♪
-♪ Lollipop song ♪ -♪ Lollipop song... ♪
Oh, she fully embraced the Lolita image.
-Please let there be a meltdown. -Get to the meltdown.
Tarla! Tarla! How long have you been in the plant?
-Tarla! -You like that plant, Tarla?
(crowd clamoring)
You know what? Now that I know the human wreckage
behind this mindless pop song, I love it.
Blast it.
-♪ Inhabit my body ♪ -♪ Come inside ♪
♪ Come get to know me, honey... ♪
Vi, you'll miss me when I'm dead and gone.
You'll try to make Cakefetti, but it won't feel the same.
You will have tears in your Cakefetti.
-(music playing faintly) -(gasps) What?
Who's listening to Tarla J?
♪ Into me like I'm into you ♪
♪ I see you over there, boy... ♪
(high-pitched shrieking)
(high-pitched, sustained shrieking)
Mom, it's been two full minutes of you screaming silently.
You need to inhale.
(inhales) You like Tarla J?
Something I also genuinely like?
Am I awake? Are you my daughter?
Yes to all of it?
Well, turn it up!
♪ Inhabit my body ♪
♪ Come inside... ♪
Whoa! Mom, you look just like her.
I mean, before she got addicted to nighttime cold medicine.
Yeah, I only practiced it every day of my life
-all through puberty. -Violet.
This is a moment you can share with your mom.
I mean, look at her face.
♪ Get to know me, honey... ♪
Well, then, Ms. Hart, why don't you teach us?
Violet, we could literally inhabit Tarla J's body.
-Mm, maybe. -(horn honking)
(sustained honking)
Okay, on top of my speeding ticket,
you got a ticket for indecent exposure.
Oh, calm your panties. There's my sign!
See? We aren't too late.
Hey, you know I'm trying to remember the theme song
to The Golden Girls. How did that go?
♪ Do-do for being a friend... ♪
Ugh! What was that first part again?
(whispers): Thank you.
("Thank You for Being a Friend" plays)
Thank you! A million thank-yous.
I finally understand what my daughter sees in you.
It's so nice to finally feel seen by my mother-in-law.
-What? -And it's so nice to finally see you.
Thank you.
BETTY: There's no way you're gonna appreciate that sign
as much as me, you flat-assed nerds!
(tires screeching)
You know what, Betty? I should have just
let your daughter take a mallet to my nuts!
-What? -And by the way, it's "thank you for being a friend."
Thank you! I only agreed to take you on this fool's errand
so that I could get a thank-you for all the stuff I do for you.
But now I see that you are physically incapable.
I am done with you.
See you never, Betty!
Ditto, dumbass! I don't want
to ever see you again, either. Bye.
-Bye! -Bye! Aah! I'm getting scooped!
-Well, so am I. -Well, make it stop!
I can't!
(gasps)
♪
Oh, my God, Ms. Hart!
You were the Debbie Allen of this studio.
Mom, how come you haven't brought me down here before?
I mean, this place is the Jenny Hart Hall of Fame.
I just didn't think you were interested.
Every time I dance, you're so embarrassed.
Because we're never in a dance studio.
It's always in a Mega Lo Mart or a gas station parking lot.
And everybody's staring.
There's nothing wrong with that. It's fun!
Have you ever heard the saying "Dance like no one's watching"?
Yeah, but I'm not like you.
I'm more of a "dance when no one's watching" person.
Well, now no one's watching.
Now, Ms. Hart, we want to inhabit Tarla J,
really live her life.
-So start pushing us too... -Shut up!
Now you get your narrow asses in front of that mirror
and straighten up 'cause here's where you start paying...
in sweat.
-(gasps) That's from Fame. -I know.
BOTH: Squee...!
JENNY: Now let me refresh you
on the steps: five, six, seven, eight.
Step ball change, step ball change,
and heart and heart and glitter spray and glitter spray,
spin and thrust, chug, chug, thrust,
grapevine, grapevine, cabbage patch, running man,
Roger Rabbit, Roger Rabbit, splits, teacup, teacup,
booty thrust, scoop and changing the channels,
fly swatter, peekaboo, peekaboo, sternum, sternum, "I know you!"
And giddyup, giddyup, giddyup,
and sternum and sternum and front walkover cooter slam!
(panting): Okay, we got a lot of work to do.
(groans)
Try that button again!
I am. It doesn't do squat!
Use that top-heavy body and pull the door open or something.
(straining): Yeah, it won't budge. Too heavy.
-Help! Somebody get us out of here! -Please! Be a good "Samaritang"
and help! Help!
I'm trapped in here with a serial killer!
I'm about to get cubed up!
-Chopped into cubes! -Betty,
I am not a serial killer. What the hell?
I'm trying to get people's attention, you fool.
Help! I'm getting human centipeded in here!
I'm the front, which is why I can still use my mouth,
but I'm doing it for the guy at the end's benefit!
His name is Wayne Edwards!
Here, I got one. Help!
There's a brittle, almost corpse-like,
incontinent, elderly,
dried-up old Carolina raisin stuck in here,
and all her medications are wearing off!
That's all lies!
I'm 34!
And the man you just heard is about to get
-a mouthful of a bunch of other people's excrement! -(meows)
All right, this is dumb. I'm calling Jenny.
Damn it, my battery's at 3%.
Betty, gimme your phone.
My phone's a no-go.
I was sitting on it all the way up the mountain,
and my thigh meat was dialing and redialing
the wrong password the whole time,
so I'm locked out till June.
(groans) Well, that's just perfect.
Jenny, I have almost no battery power on my phone,
so I got to make this quick.
Great, then I'll be quick.
I'm teaching Violet how to dance!
No, no, no, listen, Jenny, I got to...
We're dancing together.
To Tarla J!
No way. You've always wanted to share
your love of dance with her.
-Jenny! We are stuck in a gar... -(phone beeps)
-(grunts) -(Wayne gasps) -(phone shatters)
That's it! (shouting)
-♪ If you don't lick it ♪ -(groans loudly)
-(shouting) -♪ If you don't lick it ♪
-♪ Lollipop song ♪ -(groaning)
-♪ If you don't lick it, ooh ♪ -(screaming)
-(shouting) -♪ If you don't lick it, yeah, yeah ♪
-♪ If you don't lick it ♪ -(groans)
-(shouts) -♪ Lollipop song. ♪ -Violet,
I want perfection.
Okay. The Fame thing was fun,
but this is getting a little too real.
So can we go now?
No! You need to focus, Violet.
I want you to get in the game.
Stop being such a weird wallflower
and hiding your light in a bushel.
Put yourself out there!
But I'm not a good dancer like you.
And I don't like drawing attention to myself.
And I feel like I'm gonna die.
Great. You're right where I need you.
Up until this moment, you've just been Violet Hart.
But now you're finally Tarlulah Jade Bullock,
the trashy little poor girl from the Panhandle,
thrown onstage at age three,
married your bodyguard at age 17.
Everyone saw you as trash.
Everyone thought you would sink
into the dirty, ugly swamp of the showbiz fringes,
but what they forgot was
that you were born in the swamp.
Now, you got 30 seconds to cry,
and then I want you to come back out here
and get inside Tarla J's heart.
Let's do it.
Mom, that was amazing.
♪ ♪
♪ Inhabit my body ♪
♪ Come inside ♪
♪ Inhabit my body ♪
-♪ Come inside ♪ -♪ Come get to know me, honey ♪
♪ Get into me like I'm into you ♪
♪ Inhabit my body ♪
-♪ Take a ride ♪ -♪ Come get to know me, honey ♪
♪ Get into me like I'm into you ♪
♪ I see you over there, boy ♪
♪ You want to get a taste, boy ♪
♪ There is no time to waste ♪
♪ I want to know you, too ♪
♪ Quit playing all these games, boy ♪
♪ I know you want the same, boy ♪
♪ My heart is open, come on inside ♪
♪ You're gonna love this ride ♪
♪ Don't toy with my emotions ♪
♪ My body is a potion ♪
♪ So come right up and take a sip ♪
♪ With those lips, mmm ♪
♪ Inhabit my body ♪
♪ Come inside ♪
♪ Come get to know me, honey ♪
♪ Get into me like I'm into you. ♪
-(panting) -You did it!
-We did it! -We did it!
Mom, that was everything.
Yeah. Now just wait till we tackle
her next video, "Push Push Push."
-Hmm? -I mean, it's gonna take a lot more time.
-Hmm? -'Cause there's acrobatics involved,
-but... -Yeah, Mom, I don't know.
It was fun being Tarla J for a couple hours,
but I think we're d...
"Was fun"? Was? No.
This is our thing now!
This is how we bond, and this is my dream.
And soon it'll be y'all's dream, 'cause that's how it works.
That's why you have children!
Now, David, call your mom, 'cause we're going all night.
Um...
All night.
(groans softly)
Violet, I, your mother,
have something very special I would like to give to you.
These were my dance shoes back in the day.
I have dreamed of passing the dance torch to you.
So I held on to these shoes all these years.
And I got to be honest, for a time there,
I was worried you wouldn't want to dance, but now,
thank God, I know you love it just as much as I do!
Mom, no.
You deserve them.
And also, my lucky leotard.
-Never been washed. -Nope.
This Ace bandage with toe blood from
-the Western Carolina finals. -Ew.
A journal I wrote in every day since you were born
called "Letters to My Dancer Daughter."
-Oh, God. -Let me see, hair extensions.
Sequins, scrunchies,
scrunchies, leg warmers, diet pills,
cigarettes-- Oh! More scrunchies.
Mom, Mom, stop.
This was a one-time thing. I don't want to be a dancer.
The end.
-Just let me put these shoes on you. -Mom, what are you doing?
-Come on. Here, once you get them on your foot... -Ow! Stop.
-...you will get the magic of... -Stop!
-Violet, this is my dream! -Mom, stop.
I know this is not a popular saying, but...
you got to give up on your dreams.
I can't believe I thought I was gonna get anywhere
with you this weekend.
You know, I am a great son-in-law,
and I have gone through fire for you.
The only thing I'm gonna "go through"
is this old stack of Playgirls I just found.
Betty, I'm done mincing words.
You are selfish and gross.
And you also suck.
-BETTY: I suck? -WAYNE: Yes, you do.
BETTY: Well, you're the suck master general
-that got us sucked into this garage. -WAYNE: Told you!
That's not a real position, Betty!
Good morning, Mom.
-Is it? -Uh-oh.
Just been up all night, getting my affairs in order.
-What affairs? -Ah, nothing.
I was just shopping for my casket. (chuckles)
I'm thinking of going just full pine box.
You know, it's perfect for an unremarkable woman
with a daughter who doesn't care about her.
Mom, you cannot be mad at me for this.
What do you want me to do?
Keep dancing and pretend to love it
and live a lie for the rest of my life?
-Would that be so hard? -Ah!
Good news! Ah, there's a sale on burlap sacks.
You guys can just toss me into a river
when the last of my light finally dims.
(Wayne shivering)
BETTY: Ooh.
What have we here?
Better get these back to my room before Wayne wakes up.
(Wayne shivering)
Hey. Hey, wake up.
You won't believe what I found.
Beer. Still cold.
We probably need to hydrate. Thanks.
-Cheers. -Cheers.
BETTY/WAYNE: ♪ If you like piña colada ♪
-♪ And getting bought in Ukraine ♪ -♪ Getting caught in the rain. ♪
They're both two cheaters with bad taste.
How is that a happy ending?
That's what I always said.
I do appreciate you, Wayne. So much.
Okay. W-What?
Wayne, if I went around all over the place
telling people "thank you, thank you, thank you,"
then I'm indebted to 'em.
I owe 'em. That's letting your guard down.
And when you let your guard down, you get sucker punched.
And I throw punches. I don't take them.
Betty, I would never sucker punch you.
(inhales deeply)
Thank...
-...you... -(garage door whirring)
No, no, no, no! Close it, close it!
We're not done!
-Run! -Dang it.
Here's money for the beer.
And sorry about the turds in the utility sink. Ha-ha!
Betty couldn't hold it.
BETTY: Uh, those were already in there.
Wayne?
-Yeah? -Thank you.
♪ ♪
Look at that loser-mobile.
You know what to do.
-♪ -(tires squeal)
Guess who got his thank-you.
Oh, awesome. Wow.
Wait. Where have you been hiding all day?
I didn't even hear you get up this morning.
You didn't notice I was gone all night?
Well, I'm going through a lot with Violet.
We had a great time, and then she just tells me
she doesn't want to dance ever again. Ugh.
What the hell am I supposed to do with that?
Jenny, you got to remember, your dreams are not her dreams.
Yeah, you're right.
(sighs) You are absolutely right.
So whenever you get a chance, check your e-mail,
'cause I just sent you a playlist for my funeral.
Wayne, can you pass the salt, please?
Thank you.
♪ ♪
(Jenny sighs)
-♪ Inhabit my body ♪ -(gasps)
(people gasping)
♪ Come inside ♪
♪ Inhabit my body... ♪
(high-pitched shrieking)
♪ Come get to know me, honey ♪
♪ Get into me like I'm into you ♪
♪ Inhabit my body... ♪
You're doing it. You're dancing in public
and putting yourself out there, but you're doing it for me,
and we're dancing together, and this is my dream!
Well, this is a one-time thing,
so I really hope you're enjoying it.
I am! I am.
Mom, just 'cause I don't want to learn to dance
doesn't mean there's not a lot of other people
who want to learn to dance.
♪ I know you want the same, boy ♪
♪ My heart is open, come on inside ♪
♪ You're gonna love this ride. ♪
Okay, people, this class isn't just about dancing,
it's about letting your soul
speak to your body and the thrill
of kinship with your fellow dancers.
Now take a deep breath and get ready to work!
I thought this was gonna be in a pool.
Well, get ready to swim in your own sweat.
Only if you're physically able, though.
Please do not have a heart attack in my class.
Five, six, seven, eight.
Step ball change, step ball change and heart,
and heart and glitter spray and glitter spray,
spin and thrust,
chug, chug, thrust, and grapevine, grapevine.
-(meows) -(horn honks musically)
Captioning sponsored by BENTO BOX ENTERTAINMENT
and TOYOTA.