1
00:00:35,410 --> 00:00:38,204
Let's do some texting, you jelly dick.

2
00:00:42,459 --> 00:00:45,045
Ben, I can't believe you asked me out!

3
00:00:45,128 --> 00:00:47,172
I mean, I haven't talked to you
since high school.

4
00:00:47,255 --> 00:00:49,466
-You seem so different.
-I do?

5
00:00:49,549 --> 00:00:52,510
It's kind of cool, actually.
You're, like, more mature.

6
00:00:52,594 --> 00:00:54,763
Oh! More mature!

7
00:00:54,846 --> 00:00:57,474
OK, Alison. I see what's going on here.

8
00:00:57,557 --> 00:00:58,641
I didn't ask you out.

9
00:00:58,725 --> 00:00:59,976
No, I...

10
00:01:00,060 --> 00:01:02,479
I know it's you
'cause I... I got the text right here.

11
00:01:02,562 --> 00:01:04,022
"Alison, you up?

12
00:01:04,105 --> 00:01:07,067
You, me, steaks tomorrow. Bring Magnums."

13
00:01:07,150 --> 00:01:08,610
"Bring Magnums."

14
00:01:08,693 --> 00:01:10,820
That wasn't me, Alison. I didn't write it.

15
00:01:10,904 --> 00:01:11,780
Pill Ben did.

16
00:01:11,863 --> 00:01:13,031
Who's Pill Ben?

17
00:01:13,114 --> 00:01:17,452
Look, when I take sleeping pills,
I black out and become super confident.

18
00:01:17,535 --> 00:01:21,790
Thus, the Magnums which, believe me,
my dick would be swimming in.

19
00:01:21,873 --> 00:01:24,918
But now that the ice is broken,
a little bit about real Ben.

20
00:01:25,001 --> 00:01:26,961
You know, it's getting kind of late.

21
00:01:27,045 --> 00:01:29,547
You see, I have no sex drive these days.

22
00:01:29,631 --> 00:01:31,091
I crash at my friend's place.

23
00:01:31,174 --> 00:01:33,093
And do you remember
that guy Ron from high school?

24
00:01:33,176 --> 00:01:34,344
Yeah!

25
00:01:34,427 --> 00:01:36,805
He never tried to bone me. Is he gay?

26
00:01:36,888 --> 00:01:38,890
Is Ron gay? Quite the opposite.

27
00:01:38,973 --> 00:01:41,142
He's currently fucking my wife.

28
00:01:41,226 --> 00:01:42,769
But I'm cool with it.

29
00:01:42,852 --> 00:01:45,396
He's a great guy with a great dick.

30
00:01:45,980 --> 00:01:47,482
Alison! Where are you going?

31
00:01:47,565 --> 00:01:50,735
I'm out of here, Ben!
Those texts made me think you'd changed,

32
00:01:50,819 --> 00:01:53,363
but you're the same loser
you were back in high school.

33
00:01:53,446 --> 00:01:56,616
Why don't you tell Pill Ben
to give me a call sometime?

34
00:01:58,743 --> 00:01:59,953
You see, old people?

35
00:02:00,036 --> 00:02:02,330
This is why I don't wanna get divorced.

36
00:02:02,413 --> 00:02:05,875
But good for you two, knowing you were
the best each other could get.

37
00:02:13,675 --> 00:02:14,801
♪ Hey, yeah ♪

38
00:02:14,884 --> 00:02:17,595
♪ Sick of my job
Sick of those damn kids ♪

39
00:02:18,763 --> 00:02:19,848
♪ Hey, yeah ♪

40
00:02:19,931 --> 00:02:22,433
♪ Driving me crazy
'Bout to lose my shit ♪

41
00:02:23,560 --> 00:02:24,394
♪ Hey, yeah ♪

42
00:02:24,894 --> 00:02:27,689
♪ Sick of my job
Sick of those damn kids ♪

43
00:02:28,523 --> 00:02:29,607
♪ Hey, yeah ♪

44
00:02:29,691 --> 00:02:31,943
♪ 'Bout to lose my shit, yeah ♪

45
00:02:37,532 --> 00:02:38,408
♪ Hoops!♪

46
00:02:38,491 --> 00:02:40,243
♪ Hoops!♪

47
00:02:41,202 --> 00:02:42,287
♪ Hoops!♪

48
00:02:43,037 --> 00:02:43,955
♪ Hoops!♪

49
00:02:53,256 --> 00:02:54,299
Mwah!

50
00:02:56,843 --> 00:02:58,887
What in the fuck was that?

51
00:02:58,970 --> 00:03:00,471
That's Wendy, Matty's girlfriend.

52
00:03:00,555 --> 00:03:02,390
Since when does Matty have a girlfriend?

53
00:03:02,473 --> 00:03:05,351
Since when does Matty
interrupt my practice

54
00:03:05,435 --> 00:03:07,187
to be with his fucking girlfriend?

55
00:03:07,270 --> 00:03:09,314
Goddamn it, guys!

56
00:03:09,397 --> 00:03:10,773
What's our number one rule?

57
00:03:10,857 --> 00:03:12,442
Don't chub it up in the shower.

58
00:03:12,525 --> 00:03:13,943
Don't stare at Scott's mom.

59
00:03:14,027 --> 00:03:16,112
If it's brown, flush it down, man.

60
00:03:16,196 --> 00:03:17,488
No, fuckheads!

61
00:03:17,572 --> 00:03:20,909
I'm talking about
the number one rule in all of sports.

62
00:03:20,992 --> 00:03:23,786
-Have fun!
-Run ten laps, Marcus.

63
00:03:25,163 --> 00:03:27,081
Guys, the rule is:

64
00:03:27,165 --> 00:03:29,000
no girlfriends!

65
00:03:29,083 --> 00:03:32,837
Because women weaken legs.

66
00:03:32,921 --> 00:03:34,255
Name the fucking film.

67
00:03:34,339 --> 00:03:36,382
- Little Man Tate!
- Little Man Fucking Tate.

68
00:03:36,466 --> 00:03:38,843
Normally, yes, but this time it's Rocky.

69
00:03:38,927 --> 00:03:43,348
Great film about a Philadelphia boxer
with an incredible New York accent

70
00:03:43,431 --> 00:03:46,267
who may or may not be mentally challenged.

71
00:03:46,351 --> 00:03:48,436
The point is, no girlfriends.

72
00:03:48,519 --> 00:03:50,772
Come on, Coach! I don't wanna die alone!

73
00:03:50,855 --> 00:03:53,274
Honestly, I don't have to tell you
not to have girlfriends.

74
00:03:53,358 --> 00:03:55,860
I could just say, "Keep being yourselves."

75
00:03:55,944 --> 00:03:58,071
Your terrible, unlovable selves.

76
00:03:58,154 --> 00:03:59,155
Oh, Coach.

77
00:03:59,239 --> 00:04:00,615
I think you have it wrong.

78
00:04:00,698 --> 00:04:04,327
Rocky won because he had
the love of a woman named Yo-Adrian.

79
00:04:04,410 --> 00:04:07,247
Ron, Rocky famously lost.

80
00:04:07,330 --> 00:04:09,540
Look, Adrian is also mentally challenged.

81
00:04:09,624 --> 00:04:10,583
I... I think.

82
00:04:10,667 --> 00:04:13,378
It's a movie
about two slow adults falling in love,

83
00:04:13,461 --> 00:04:15,421
and also, it's about boxing.

84
00:04:15,505 --> 00:04:18,091
Oh, right! In the first one.

85
00:04:18,174 --> 00:04:21,177
Look, I never saw that one.
I don't like sad endings.

86
00:04:21,261 --> 00:04:24,681
So what are you talking about?
Jesus Christ!

87
00:04:24,764 --> 00:04:25,807
Another sad ending.

88
00:04:25,890 --> 00:04:27,225
All right, run ten laps!

89
00:04:27,308 --> 00:04:29,394
-But I'm the assistant coach.
-Run!

90
00:04:29,769 --> 00:04:31,145
Actually, all of you run.

91
00:04:33,314 --> 00:04:34,983
And don't get girlfriends!

92
00:04:42,156 --> 00:04:43,658
Argh!

93
00:04:45,952 --> 00:04:47,745
Go for Opal.

94
00:04:47,829 --> 00:04:49,622
I got your text. What's the emergency?

95
00:04:49,706 --> 00:04:52,208
It's over between me and Mike.

96
00:04:52,292 --> 00:04:54,502
Girl, he said there's no chemistry.

97
00:04:54,585 --> 00:04:56,337
Oh, will you just fuck already?

98
00:04:56,421 --> 00:04:57,463
That's what I said.

99
00:04:57,547 --> 00:04:58,631
Oh, sorry. Not you.

100
00:04:58,715 --> 00:05:01,551
I got this thoroughbred mare
all excited and ready to go,

101
00:05:01,634 --> 00:05:03,344
and the stud won't even touch her.

102
00:05:03,428 --> 00:05:04,262
Too soon!

103
00:05:04,345 --> 00:05:07,348
Opal, don't you dare
feel sorry for yourself.

104
00:05:07,432 --> 00:05:08,474
Why don't you come over?

105
00:05:08,558 --> 00:05:10,393
We'll do what we always do
when this happens.

106
00:05:10,476 --> 00:05:14,105
Watch The Notebook and fast-forward
through all the sad Alzheimer's shit.

107
00:05:14,188 --> 00:05:16,566
Oh, girl, I was hoping you would say that.

108
00:05:16,649 --> 00:05:18,943
I really gotta figure out my love life.

109
00:05:19,027 --> 00:05:21,154
Stick it in there!

110
00:05:21,237 --> 00:05:23,323
It's not gonna fuck itself.

111
00:05:23,406 --> 00:05:27,118
I know you're talking about the horse,
but that is not a bad idea.

112
00:05:27,201 --> 00:05:28,119
Bye, girl.

113
00:05:28,202 --> 00:05:30,246
What?

114
00:05:30,330 --> 00:05:32,790
Shannon, how do you get a high school girl
to break up with you?

115
00:05:32,874 --> 00:05:35,251
Just grab her hindquarters and mount her!

116
00:05:35,335 --> 00:05:39,255
Whoa! That would definitely work,
but I don't think that's a good idea.

117
00:05:39,339 --> 00:05:41,341
I need this girl Wendy
to break up with Matty

118
00:05:41,424 --> 00:05:42,925
so he can focus on basketball.

119
00:05:43,009 --> 00:05:44,385
I don't have time for this!

120
00:05:44,469 --> 00:05:46,137
You want advice? Stay out of it.

121
00:05:46,220 --> 00:05:48,056
You useless stud!

122
00:05:48,139 --> 00:05:49,265
Stud?

123
00:05:49,349 --> 00:05:51,434
You still got it, Hopkins.

124
00:05:53,978 --> 00:05:55,104
Coach Hopkins?

125
00:05:55,188 --> 00:05:57,607
What are you doing here?
Why are you at my house?

126
00:05:57,690 --> 00:06:00,026
Ma'am, I'm here to talk to your daughter
about her love life.

127
00:06:00,109 --> 00:06:01,486
Can I have a minute alone with her?

128
00:06:01,569 --> 00:06:02,779
Absolutely not!

129
00:06:02,862 --> 00:06:04,989
You know what?
That's fair and appropriate.

130
00:06:05,073 --> 00:06:07,825
You're killing this mom thing,
which is why you should know

131
00:06:07,909 --> 00:06:10,745
that your daughter,
well, she's dating a monster.

132
00:06:10,828 --> 00:06:11,788
-Matty?
-Yup.

133
00:06:11,871 --> 00:06:14,415
Matty the monster.
That's what we call him.

134
00:06:14,499 --> 00:06:17,710
You should strongly consider
putting an end to that relationship.

135
00:06:17,794 --> 00:06:19,462
But he came over for spaghetti.

136
00:06:19,545 --> 00:06:21,089
He seems like such a nice kid.

137
00:06:21,172 --> 00:06:24,342
Look, he may seem nice,
but he's a dog-shit person.

138
00:06:24,425 --> 00:06:27,053
He has no respect for Wendy or women.

139
00:06:27,136 --> 00:06:30,056
He described Bill Cosby
as "boyfriend goals."

140
00:06:30,139 --> 00:06:32,475
I once watched him
punch an old woman's teeth out.

141
00:06:32,558 --> 00:06:34,102
OK, I've heard enough.

142
00:06:34,185 --> 00:06:35,561
I'll handle this situation.

143
00:06:35,645 --> 00:06:37,480
Consider their relationship over.

144
00:06:37,563 --> 00:06:40,817
Ah, you're a good mom. You know that?
A good mom.

145
00:06:40,900 --> 00:06:43,820
Don't tell me those are tacos?

146
00:06:43,903 --> 00:06:45,780
But it's not even Tuesday!

147
00:06:45,863 --> 00:06:48,574
Wendy's mom, you're a fuckin' maniac.

148
00:06:50,159 --> 00:06:51,160
Nailed it.

149
00:07:11,347 --> 00:07:14,475
Matty's on fire.
I think he's got over 20 points already.

150
00:07:14,559 --> 00:07:17,228
No shit, Ron. That's because
I took care of Wendy last night.

151
00:07:17,311 --> 00:07:18,354
You murdered Wendy?

152
00:07:18,438 --> 00:07:22,150
No, I didn't murder Wendy, you dope.
What I'm saying is, I poisoned the well.

153
00:07:22,233 --> 00:07:24,360
Now her whole family's gonna die?

154
00:07:24,444 --> 00:07:26,946
Not to mention anyone
who drinks out of that well.

155
00:07:27,029 --> 00:07:29,240
I mean, that's even worse, Coach.

156
00:07:29,323 --> 00:07:30,575
I didn't kill anyone.

157
00:07:30,658 --> 00:07:33,661
I just ended his relationship
because women weaken legs.

158
00:07:33,744 --> 00:07:36,873
-Now, if I were to kill a family--
-I'm not interested.

159
00:07:36,956 --> 00:07:40,334
The first thing I would do is
go to nursing school and get a degree.

160
00:07:40,418 --> 00:07:41,919
Then I become their family nurse

161
00:07:42,003 --> 00:07:44,922
and slowly poison them
by micro-dosing their food

162
00:07:45,006 --> 00:07:49,427
while simultaneously providing
insufficient medical care.

163
00:07:49,510 --> 00:07:51,387
So by the time they finally died,

164
00:07:51,471 --> 00:07:57,059
it will be innocuous, untraceable,
and very lucrative for me personally.

165
00:07:59,187 --> 00:08:02,398
Shannon and I,
we listen to a lot of murder podcasts.

166
00:08:03,357 --> 00:08:05,026
I feel like you're judging me.

167
00:08:05,109 --> 00:08:07,320
-I am.
-Oh, so I was right to feel that way.

168
00:08:07,403 --> 00:08:09,113
A hundred percent.

169
00:08:09,197 --> 00:08:10,531
Matty, you're crushing it!

170
00:08:10,615 --> 00:08:12,950
What can I say? I guess I'm in the zone.

171
00:08:13,034 --> 00:08:15,786
I love the fucking zone!

172
00:08:15,870 --> 00:08:17,163
Hey, you little rats.

173
00:08:17,246 --> 00:08:18,623
Stay out of his way.

174
00:08:18,706 --> 00:08:20,583
He's in the... Say it again, Matty.

175
00:08:20,666 --> 00:08:21,501
Uh, zone?

176
00:08:21,584 --> 00:08:24,170
Fuck, yes! He's in the fucking zone!

177
00:08:25,463 --> 00:08:27,131
I fucking did it!

178
00:08:27,215 --> 00:08:29,008
Don't ask me how, but I did it.

179
00:08:29,091 --> 00:08:31,135
This is some of my best coaching ever.

180
00:08:31,219 --> 00:08:34,347
Matty's in the motherfuckin' zone
'cause of me,

181
00:08:34,430 --> 00:08:38,017
and we're gonna keep feedin' him the ball
in that motherfuckin' zone,

182
00:08:38,100 --> 00:08:40,645
and then we're gonna fuckin' win
'cause of me.

183
00:08:42,063 --> 00:08:43,022
Where the hell is he?

184
00:08:43,105 --> 00:08:45,775
He was talking to Wendy in the hall.
They were crying and kissing.

185
00:08:45,858 --> 00:08:47,318
Oh, crying and kithing?

186
00:08:47,401 --> 00:08:49,153
Goddamn it, DJ!

187
00:08:49,237 --> 00:08:51,906
I don't like hearing bad news with a lisp.

188
00:08:51,989 --> 00:08:55,117
There's a reason doctors and cops
don't have lisps, buddy.

189
00:08:55,201 --> 00:08:58,287
Thorry, thir. Based
on the evidence, it was a murder-suicide.

190
00:08:58,371 --> 00:09:01,415
Well, sir, if the evidence says
it was a murder-suicide--

191
00:09:01,499 --> 00:09:02,667
Enough, DJ!

192
00:09:02,750 --> 00:09:04,919
Fat or lisp? Choose one!

193
00:09:07,088 --> 00:09:10,967
I can't believe
you punched an old lady's teeth out!

194
00:09:14,845 --> 00:09:15,930
Matty, what's up?

195
00:09:16,013 --> 00:09:18,683
Something happen in the zone?
Feels like there's been a zoning change.

196
00:09:18,766 --> 00:09:21,310
Yeah, there's been a zoning change.
I'm in the friend zone.

197
00:09:21,394 --> 00:09:23,396
-She goddamn broke up with me.
-Again?

198
00:09:23,479 --> 00:09:24,522
What? No!

199
00:09:24,605 --> 00:09:26,274
What do you mean? Just now.

200
00:09:26,357 --> 00:09:27,858
What do you mean "just now"?

201
00:09:27,942 --> 00:09:32,113
Like, before the game when she dumped you
and then put you in the zone, right?

202
00:09:32,196 --> 00:09:35,408
No. Like, right now, Coach.
What the hell? What does it even matter?

203
00:09:35,491 --> 00:09:38,411
No. She broke up with you
before the first half, right?

204
00:09:40,413 --> 00:09:42,456
Uh, good... good idea, Matty.
This is great.

205
00:09:42,540 --> 00:09:45,001
You're resting up for a huge second half.

206
00:09:58,848 --> 00:10:00,016
Cheer up, Matty.

207
00:10:00,099 --> 00:10:02,101
Life only gets worse from here.

208
00:10:09,442 --> 00:10:10,651
Ooh!

209
00:10:12,695 --> 00:10:13,571
You know what's crazy?

210
00:10:13,654 --> 00:10:16,907
Matty played better with a girlfriend,
and he's worse without one.

211
00:10:16,991 --> 00:10:19,493
You got a real firm grasp
of this story, buddy.

212
00:10:19,577 --> 00:10:22,830
Oh, shit. He's laying down again
in the middle of the fucking court.

213
00:10:23,956 --> 00:10:25,541
Matty, come on. Get up!

214
00:10:25,625 --> 00:10:26,584
Come on, Matty.

215
00:10:26,667 --> 00:10:27,793
Get up!

216
00:10:27,877 --> 00:10:28,711
Matty!

217
00:10:28,794 --> 00:10:30,796
Matty! Matty!

218
00:10:30,880 --> 00:10:33,758
It's not like she ever really loved you
in the first place.

219
00:10:33,841 --> 00:10:36,552
Get up! But only if you want to!

220
00:10:41,307 --> 00:10:42,892
Oh, shit!

221
00:10:42,975 --> 00:10:47,271
Now his heart is most likely enlarged
and broken.

222
00:10:49,482 --> 00:10:50,941
I have a big announcement.

223
00:10:51,025 --> 00:10:55,780
I've given this a lot of thought,
and it turns out women strengthen legs.

224
00:10:55,863 --> 00:10:59,533
Which brings me to a new team rule:
everybody needs a girlfriend.

225
00:10:59,617 --> 00:11:00,701
It's mandatory.

226
00:11:00,785 --> 00:11:02,244
-Really?
-About time.

227
00:11:02,328 --> 00:11:05,373
-Yes! Oh, my God. I'm free at last!
-A girlfriend?

228
00:11:05,456 --> 00:11:06,957
I'm still learning to love myself.

229
00:11:07,041 --> 00:11:10,795
Yeah, it's great news for everybody.
So let's get girlfriends, fast.

230
00:11:10,878 --> 00:11:13,506
As in, like, before tomorrow's game.
Right, Matty?

231
00:11:14,507 --> 00:11:16,384
You've already done the moaning.
Get to it!

232
00:11:16,467 --> 00:11:18,636
Fuck love.
I'm never having a girlfriend again.

233
00:11:18,719 --> 00:11:21,722
OK, shit. Coach is gonna
handle it for you, Matty. No problem.

234
00:11:21,806 --> 00:11:23,891
Coach, don't worry.
We're gonna get those girl--

235
00:11:23,974 --> 00:11:25,101
Don't care, DJ.

236
00:11:25,184 --> 00:11:28,604
Ron, help me grab the giraffe
and drag him outta here. I got a plan.

237
00:11:29,689 --> 00:11:31,691
Ow! Ow!

238
00:11:32,525 --> 00:11:33,442
Ow!

239
00:11:33,526 --> 00:11:34,402
Ow!

240
00:11:34,485 --> 00:11:35,528
Wow, ow!

241
00:11:35,611 --> 00:11:38,406
Ow! This pain actually feels good.

242
00:11:38,906 --> 00:11:40,616
Oh, shit. We're really losing him.

243
00:11:44,495 --> 00:11:46,997
This new girlfriend thing
is super awesome.

244
00:11:47,081 --> 00:11:48,874
The only reason
I haven't lost my virginity

245
00:11:48,958 --> 00:11:50,876
-was that dumb fucking rule.
-And your tail.

246
00:11:50,960 --> 00:11:52,378
Hey, we gotta love how we're born

247
00:11:52,461 --> 00:11:54,755
like Lady Gaga says
in that horrible song you sing.

248
00:11:54,839 --> 00:11:56,382
We're gonna get so laid!

249
00:11:56,465 --> 00:11:58,843
Guys, this isn't about getting laid.

250
00:11:58,926 --> 00:12:00,636
It's about getting girlfriends.

251
00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:02,763
That means dates, walks in the park...

252
00:12:02,847 --> 00:12:05,599
Where are we supposed
to find girlfriends... in one day?

253
00:12:05,683 --> 00:12:09,478
Wow! I can't believe
you guys have your own bus!

254
00:12:09,562 --> 00:12:10,938
Dick me up, boys.

255
00:12:11,021 --> 00:12:14,608
Sorry, but you wouldn't believe the girl
who just agreed to get on this Bang Bus.

256
00:12:14,692 --> 00:12:16,444
- That's it!
- That's how we do it!

257
00:12:18,904 --> 00:12:21,198
No, no, no. No way! It's not a bus.

258
00:12:21,282 --> 00:12:23,534
That's my aunt's flower van
for her business.

259
00:12:23,617 --> 00:12:26,746
Flowers in a Bang Bus?
Can you imagine anything more romantic?

260
00:12:29,957 --> 00:12:33,335
I really thought for a second
Mike was the one,

261
00:12:33,419 --> 00:12:36,797
until he climbed out the bathroom window
and left me with the check.

262
00:12:36,881 --> 00:12:40,009
Why do they even have
bathroom windows at Subway?

263
00:12:40,092 --> 00:12:42,052
Opal, he's a loser.

264
00:12:42,136 --> 00:12:45,222
The last thing you wanna have
is a loser in your life.

265
00:12:45,306 --> 00:12:47,057
Trust me. I know.

266
00:12:47,141 --> 00:12:48,934
You know what a loser gets you?

267
00:12:49,018 --> 00:12:51,228
Shannon, emergency!

268
00:12:51,312 --> 00:12:52,438
S-O-S!

269
00:12:52,521 --> 00:12:54,106
You know what a loser gets ya?

270
00:12:54,190 --> 00:12:56,484
Ding fucking dong!

271
00:12:56,567 --> 00:13:00,613
Emergency! Open your door!
It's your husband and your boyfriend.

272
00:13:00,696 --> 00:13:03,073
It gets you this...

273
00:13:03,157 --> 00:13:04,325
Oh, thank God!

274
00:13:04,408 --> 00:13:05,743
Matty has been stabbed.

275
00:13:05,826 --> 00:13:07,328
- My God!
- What happened?

276
00:13:07,411 --> 00:13:09,705
I'll get the horse gauze.
Where'd he get stabbed?

277
00:13:09,789 --> 00:13:11,499
In the heart...

278
00:13:11,582 --> 00:13:12,917
...by Cupid's arrow.

279
00:13:13,000 --> 00:13:15,044
Oh, for fuck's sake, Ben!

280
00:13:15,127 --> 00:13:17,213
You scared the shit out of me, Ben!

281
00:13:17,296 --> 00:13:20,299
Do you know how much paperwork
I have to do when a kid dies?

282
00:13:20,382 --> 00:13:22,009
Also, it's very sad.

283
00:13:23,302 --> 00:13:24,762
Oh, fuck!

284
00:13:24,845 --> 00:13:27,306
I need to help this kid
get his girlfriend back.

285
00:13:27,389 --> 00:13:29,934
Shannon, I gotta show him the tape.

286
00:13:30,017 --> 00:13:31,685
-Hell no.
-Oh, funny.

287
00:13:31,769 --> 00:13:36,524
That's exactly what you said
in October 2002 when I asked you out.

288
00:13:36,607 --> 00:13:38,192
And what happened after that, Shannon?

289
00:13:38,275 --> 00:13:40,694
Fifteen years of my life I can't get back.

290
00:13:40,778 --> 00:13:44,406
And it all started
with the greatest romantic piece of cinema

291
00:13:44,490 --> 00:13:47,284
in the history of man fucking kind.

292
00:13:47,368 --> 00:13:48,285
Gone Girl?

293
00:13:48,369 --> 00:13:49,495
-Bird Box?
-No!

294
00:13:49,870 --> 00:13:51,747
-Shannon...
-I'm not doing this.

295
00:13:51,831 --> 00:13:53,499
OK, then just tell me this:

296
00:13:53,582 --> 00:13:55,835
did... the tape... work?

297
00:13:55,918 --> 00:13:57,920
I'm... with... Ron.

298
00:13:58,003 --> 00:14:00,798
Answer... the... question, Shan.

299
00:14:00,881 --> 00:14:04,844
Why... are... we... talking...
like... this?

300
00:14:04,927 --> 00:14:07,137
If I play the tape,
will you leave right after?

301
00:14:07,221 --> 00:14:10,391
Yes. You play it, we'll leave.
That's a deal. I promise.

302
00:14:11,350 --> 00:14:12,643
Matty, relax.

303
00:14:12,726 --> 00:14:14,520
It's great fucking filmmaking.

304
00:14:14,603 --> 00:14:16,605
After you view this tape, kiddo,

305
00:14:16,689 --> 00:14:20,276
you'll have to peel Wendy off of ya
and throw her in the fucking dryer.

306
00:14:20,359 --> 00:14:22,444
Hm, Ben, you nasty!

307
00:14:26,407 --> 00:14:29,451
Marcus, "Boyfriend Bus"
is the dumbest name ever.

308
00:14:29,535 --> 00:14:32,246
How about "Vag Van" or "Sex Shuttle"?

309
00:14:32,329 --> 00:14:36,083
"Titty Tram" or, like,
"Fuck Trolley" or like, uh...

310
00:14:36,166 --> 00:14:38,043
There's no art in any of those names.

311
00:14:38,127 --> 00:14:39,628
Any guy can have sex,

312
00:14:39,712 --> 00:14:42,298
but we're the fellas
that are gonna be there in the morning.

313
00:14:42,381 --> 00:14:44,174
Shut up! There's some girls from school.

314
00:14:44,258 --> 00:14:45,259
Pull up alongside them.

315
00:14:48,095 --> 00:14:50,306
Hey, there.
You chicks ever hear of the Bang Bus?

316
00:14:50,389 --> 00:14:51,932
Well, this is the Boyfriend Bus,

317
00:14:52,016 --> 00:14:54,602
but don't worry,
we can totally still bang if you want.

318
00:14:54,685 --> 00:14:56,312
Really cool, Isaac.

319
00:14:56,395 --> 00:14:58,147
To Catch a Predator much?

320
00:15:00,190 --> 00:15:02,443
OK, that line really should have worked.

321
00:15:02,526 --> 00:15:05,404
They could smell the desperation
on you guys.

322
00:15:05,487 --> 00:15:06,780
We need different girls.

323
00:15:06,864 --> 00:15:09,158
Well, my sister was in juvie
in Winchester.

324
00:15:09,241 --> 00:15:11,702
Those girls were cool as hell,
and they loved fucking.

325
00:15:11,785 --> 00:15:12,828
Half of them were pregnant.

326
00:15:12,912 --> 00:15:16,332
I'd love to date a pregnant one.
I've always seen myself as a stepdad.

327
00:15:22,421 --> 00:15:24,048
One viewing, then you leave.

328
00:15:24,131 --> 00:15:25,883
Just roll the fucking thing.

329
00:15:31,347 --> 00:15:33,182
OK. Don't you worry, buddy.

330
00:15:33,265 --> 00:15:35,809
This tape is like a master class
for getting bush.

331
00:15:35,893 --> 00:15:37,436
What is bush?

332
00:15:37,519 --> 00:15:39,521
Bush. You don't know what a bush is?

333
00:15:39,605 --> 00:15:40,898
Jesus Christ!

334
00:15:40,981 --> 00:15:42,274
Millennials!

335
00:15:42,358 --> 00:15:43,776
That's a generational thing.

336
00:15:43,859 --> 00:15:46,153
Opal, will you explain to this kid
what a bush is?

337
00:15:46,236 --> 00:15:48,489
Are you out of your damn mind, Ben?

338
00:15:48,572 --> 00:15:50,616
I am not explaining to a child

339
00:15:50,699 --> 00:15:54,662
that we used to grow our pubic hair so big
that our jeans couldn't contain it.

340
00:15:54,745 --> 00:15:56,121
I'm a principal.

341
00:15:57,247 --> 00:15:59,667
♪ Gu-gu-gu-gu
Gu-gu-gu-gu-gooo ♪

342
00:15:59,750 --> 00:16:01,293
♪ You said goodbye♪

343
00:16:01,710 --> 00:16:03,545
♪ I don’t know why♪

344
00:16:04,088 --> 00:16:05,881
♪ Oh, my Shan ♪

345
00:16:05,965 --> 00:16:07,675
♪ I wanna die♪

346
00:16:08,092 --> 00:16:10,010
♪ You said we’re through♪

347
00:16:10,094 --> 00:16:12,054
♪ It can’t be true♪

348
00:16:12,429 --> 00:16:14,181
♪ Oh, my Shan ♪

349
00:16:14,264 --> 00:16:15,933
♪ I’m so, so blue♪

350
00:16:19,144 --> 00:16:21,647
Wow! It's as great as I remember.

351
00:16:21,730 --> 00:16:24,608
Ben, it wasn't even really you
who sang the song.

352
00:16:24,692 --> 00:16:26,860
You were on fucking sleeping pills
when you made it.

353
00:16:26,944 --> 00:16:28,153
Oh, Ben!

354
00:16:28,237 --> 00:16:32,157
Don't take this the wrong way,
but why can't you be on pills at work?

355
00:16:32,241 --> 00:16:34,159
Sometimes I am, Opal.

356
00:16:34,243 --> 00:16:36,120
Sometimes I am.

357
00:16:39,206 --> 00:16:40,207
Oh, man!

358
00:16:40,290 --> 00:16:43,419
Those girls look like
they make bad decisions. Let's ask them.

359
00:16:46,255 --> 00:16:49,550
Hey, lady-dudes. Check out our van.
It's like a sex cave on wheels.

360
00:16:49,633 --> 00:16:52,261
Wanna get in
and play "sexy first cousins" with us?

361
00:16:52,344 --> 00:16:53,929
What are you guys doing?

362
00:16:54,013 --> 00:16:55,973
Cruising for boys to be boyfriends?

363
00:16:56,974 --> 00:16:58,267
Why? Have you seen any?

364
00:16:58,350 --> 00:16:59,560
Can we drink in there?

365
00:16:59,643 --> 00:17:02,021
Well, technically, no,
because we don't have our limo license.

366
00:17:02,104 --> 00:17:05,065
Fun fact: limos are the only cars
that you're allowed to drink in,

367
00:17:05,149 --> 00:17:06,150
except for the chauffeur--

368
00:17:06,233 --> 00:17:08,902
Yes! Of course booze is welcome
on the Boyfriend Bus.

369
00:17:14,700 --> 00:17:16,493
♪ You keep saying no ♪

370
00:17:16,869 --> 00:17:18,662
♪ But I can’t go♪

371
00:17:19,079 --> 00:17:20,831
♪ Oh, my Shan ♪

372
00:17:20,914 --> 00:17:22,666
♪ I love you so♪

373
00:17:23,042 --> 00:17:24,835
♪ You say we’re done♪

374
00:17:25,252 --> 00:17:27,004
♪ We’ve had our run♪

375
00:17:27,087 --> 00:17:29,173
♪ Shan, if you leave♪

376
00:17:29,256 --> 00:17:31,383
♪ I’ll eat this gun♪

377
00:17:35,596 --> 00:17:39,516
Officer, I told you
I'm not hiding anything up there.

378
00:17:39,600 --> 00:17:41,226
I don't believe you.

379
00:17:41,310 --> 00:17:42,978
Now spread 'em.

380
00:17:44,646 --> 00:17:46,732
Get out! Get out! Everybody out!

381
00:17:46,815 --> 00:17:48,859
I can't believe
I let you talk me into this!

382
00:17:48,942 --> 00:17:51,445
Talk you into it? I had no choice.
I was a prisoner.

383
00:17:51,528 --> 00:17:52,863
We had a deal.

384
00:17:52,946 --> 00:17:54,782
I showed you the tape, now get out!

385
00:17:54,865 --> 00:17:56,867
Shouldn't you be sending me
out the back door?

386
00:17:56,950 --> 00:17:58,160
Hey, yo!

387
00:17:59,495 --> 00:18:03,165
She tried that with me as well,
but I demanded to see a search warrant.

388
00:18:07,336 --> 00:18:09,505
-So nobody knows you took this van?
-Nope.

389
00:18:09,588 --> 00:18:10,589
-Totally free.
-Not a soul.

390
00:18:10,672 --> 00:18:11,715
My mom tracks my phone.

391
00:18:11,799 --> 00:18:14,384
Wow! You guys are badasses.

392
00:18:14,468 --> 00:18:16,720
And we all know what badasses want.

393
00:18:16,804 --> 00:18:18,138
Yes. Girlfriends.

394
00:18:18,222 --> 00:18:19,389
Adorable!

395
00:18:19,473 --> 00:18:20,516
But let me ask this:

396
00:18:20,599 --> 00:18:22,476
do you guys want girlfriends,

397
00:18:22,559 --> 00:18:25,896
or do you wanna take your clothes off
and get this party started?

398
00:18:29,900 --> 00:18:31,401
Yeah! Fuckin' A.

399
00:18:32,277 --> 00:18:33,362
The former, please.

400
00:18:37,533 --> 00:18:38,867
All right. First of all, Matty,

401
00:18:38,951 --> 00:18:40,953
I'm sorry you saw
the second half of that tape.

402
00:18:41,036 --> 00:18:43,997
If you're feeling weird
about the sexiness of my butt, don't.

403
00:18:44,081 --> 00:18:45,916
That's not why I feel weird, Coach.

404
00:18:45,999 --> 00:18:47,835
Sure, keep telling yourself that.
I don't care.

405
00:18:47,918 --> 00:18:49,503
You just need to stay focused now

406
00:18:49,586 --> 00:18:51,797
'cause now you know
what you need to do to get Wendy back.

407
00:18:51,880 --> 00:18:56,260
You need to be romantic as fuck,
like I was in the first half of that tape.

408
00:18:56,343 --> 00:18:57,469
Coach, I can't do that.

409
00:18:57,553 --> 00:19:00,639
I don't have any moves to win her back.
I can't sing or anything.

410
00:19:00,722 --> 00:19:02,891
Look, Matty, I'm no ladies' man either.

411
00:19:02,975 --> 00:19:05,435
That wasn't me singing. It was Pill Ben.

412
00:19:05,519 --> 00:19:08,522
He's got the confidence
of a man with Lenny Kravitz's dick.

413
00:19:08,605 --> 00:19:12,109
Lenny Kravitz? Sounds like an accountant,
but I'll take your word for it.

414
00:19:12,609 --> 00:19:15,320
Do you think Pill Ben could help me?

415
00:19:15,404 --> 00:19:17,531
Um, I don't know, Matty.

416
00:19:17,614 --> 00:19:20,576
He has a mind of his own,
but, you know, it's worth a shot.

417
00:19:20,659 --> 00:19:22,828
How about this?
Give me your phone for the night.

418
00:19:22,911 --> 00:19:23,996
OK.

419
00:19:24,079 --> 00:19:27,124
But, hey, if you get a call from my dad,
please let me know.

420
00:19:27,207 --> 00:19:29,251
Sure. Of course. Does he call a lot?

421
00:19:29,334 --> 00:19:31,170
No, it'd be the first time.

422
00:19:34,173 --> 00:19:37,551
OK, Pill Ben,
I really need you to text your ass off.

423
00:19:37,634 --> 00:19:39,094
Win Wendy back for Matty

424
00:19:39,178 --> 00:19:42,014
so I can have my superstar ready
for the game tomorrow.

425
00:19:43,974 --> 00:19:45,726
And this should go without saying,

426
00:19:45,809 --> 00:19:47,895
but no dick pics.

427
00:20:12,169 --> 00:20:14,796
Oh, fuck! Pill Ben let me down.

428
00:20:14,880 --> 00:20:17,883
The only fucking time I needed him,
and he didn't do shit.

429
00:20:17,966 --> 00:20:19,801
Thank God you're up!

430
00:20:19,885 --> 00:20:22,179
Your phone has been ringing all morning.

431
00:20:22,262 --> 00:20:23,722
Why didn't you wake me up?

432
00:20:23,805 --> 00:20:26,058
Because it sounded
like you were having a wet dream.

433
00:20:26,141 --> 00:20:28,685
No judgment, but it's time to get up.

434
00:20:28,769 --> 00:20:29,728
Matty's in jail.

435
00:20:29,811 --> 00:20:31,021
Matty's in jail?

436
00:20:31,104 --> 00:20:33,106
Noooooo!

437
00:20:35,442 --> 00:20:36,485
Ohhhhh!

438
00:20:39,363 --> 00:20:41,198
Officer, what happened with Matty?

439
00:20:41,281 --> 00:20:43,533
The kid flipped out over some girl,
lost it,

440
00:20:43,617 --> 00:20:46,245
went to her house at 2:00 a.m. last night
and destroyed the place.

441
00:20:46,328 --> 00:20:47,329
2:00 a.m.?

442
00:20:51,792 --> 00:20:54,044
We got work to do, lady arms,

443
00:20:54,670 --> 00:20:56,004
but we ain't texting.

444
00:20:59,675 --> 00:21:02,427
Eat some of these flowers, you bitch.
They'll give you strength.

445
00:21:02,511 --> 00:21:03,804
You're gonna need it tonight.

446
00:21:04,596 --> 00:21:06,640
Flowers are fucking vegetables.

447
00:21:06,723 --> 00:21:08,308
Vegetables are energy.

448
00:21:09,851 --> 00:21:10,978
No keys.

449
00:21:11,061 --> 00:21:12,771
No keys. Can't get in.

450
00:21:12,854 --> 00:21:14,982
Use God's keys, you half-man.

451
00:21:28,620 --> 00:21:31,707
♪ What's-her-face and Matty
Sittin' in a tree♪

452
00:21:32,249 --> 00:21:35,335
♪ P-I-S-S-I-N-G ♪

453
00:21:37,796 --> 00:21:39,881
Ah, fuck, Matty. I'm sorry.

454
00:21:39,965 --> 00:21:42,551
But the truth is, this isn't my fault.

455
00:21:42,634 --> 00:21:44,136
Pill Ben fucked us.

456
00:21:44,219 --> 00:21:45,512
Well, it could be worse.

457
00:21:45,595 --> 00:21:47,014
At least I have my pants.

458
00:21:48,098 --> 00:21:49,266
Jesus Christ!

459
00:21:49,349 --> 00:21:50,934
You guys gotta work out more.

460
00:21:51,018 --> 00:21:53,228
Coach, we have good news and bad news.

461
00:21:53,312 --> 00:21:56,398
The bad news is that
we sort of borrowed a van from my aunt

462
00:21:56,481 --> 00:21:57,941
and then the van was stolen from us.

463
00:21:58,025 --> 00:22:02,070
But the good news is,
it was stolen by our girlfriends!

464
00:22:02,154 --> 00:22:04,614
Don't care.
Matty, what's going on with Wendy,

465
00:22:04,698 --> 00:22:06,575
the only girlfriend
I actually do care about?

466
00:22:06,658 --> 00:22:07,576
I don't know, Coach,

467
00:22:07,659 --> 00:22:10,454
but I don't think you pissing on her floor
really helped anything.

468
00:22:10,537 --> 00:22:13,373
I told you it wasn't me. It was Pill Ben.

469
00:22:13,457 --> 00:22:17,169
Oh, yeah. Well, I bet if we tested
the piss, it'd match yours exactly.

470
00:22:17,252 --> 00:22:20,255
You guys got no idea what you're in for.

471
00:22:20,339 --> 00:22:24,426
Prison's gonna chew you up
and spit you out, starting right now.

472
00:22:24,509 --> 00:22:27,137
And I'm gonna take the first bite.

473
00:22:28,263 --> 00:22:30,724
Charges dropped. You're all free to go.

474
00:22:30,807 --> 00:22:33,185
Yes! Yeah! Whoo!

475
00:22:33,268 --> 00:22:35,228
- Fuckin' jailbreak!
- Yeah, baby!

476
00:22:40,150 --> 00:22:42,527
Whoa! That woman is not attractive.

477
00:22:42,611 --> 00:22:44,321
She looks like if DJ was a man.

478
00:22:44,404 --> 00:22:46,782
Again, I am so sorry, Aunt Jenny.

479
00:22:46,865 --> 00:22:51,161
You boys are very lucky they found the van
and that Marcus was still in it.

480
00:22:52,746 --> 00:22:54,915
I can't believe you, of all people,
got some action.

481
00:22:54,998 --> 00:22:56,416
It's not as good as it looks.

482
00:22:56,500 --> 00:22:59,127
All I got was physical affection,
no real connection.

483
00:22:59,211 --> 00:23:00,295
I did lose my flower.

484
00:23:00,712 --> 00:23:02,047
Oh, no, it's in my pocket.

485
00:23:05,050 --> 00:23:09,221
Wendy, I wanna come totally clean
and say that some of this was my fault,

486
00:23:09,304 --> 00:23:12,557
so I'll take care
of all the damages under $150.

487
00:23:12,641 --> 00:23:13,892
Above that, you're on your own.

488
00:23:13,975 --> 00:23:17,354
Look, it wasn't easy
convincing my mom to drop the charges,

489
00:23:17,437 --> 00:23:20,315
but Matty told me you inspired his video.

490
00:23:20,399 --> 00:23:22,192
♪ You said we’re through ♪

491
00:23:22,609 --> 00:23:24,152
♪ You said that’s it♪

492
00:23:24,945 --> 00:23:26,446
♪ Coach told you ♪

493
00:23:26,530 --> 00:23:28,448
♪ That I’m dog shit ♪

494
00:23:28,532 --> 00:23:30,617
♪ It’s the end of the road♪

495
00:23:30,700 --> 00:23:32,577
♪ We’re heading south♪

496
00:23:32,661 --> 00:23:34,663
♪ But I never punched♪

497
00:23:34,746 --> 00:23:38,333
♪ That old bag’s mouth ♪

498
00:23:39,126 --> 00:23:40,919
Fucking ladies' man!

499
00:23:41,002 --> 00:23:42,838
I knew you had it in you, Matty.

500
00:23:42,921 --> 00:23:44,131
And no pills.

501
00:23:44,214 --> 00:23:45,924
Now, lady who looks like DJ,

502
00:23:46,007 --> 00:23:48,218
can we get a ride to the game
in the Boyfriend Bus?

503
00:23:48,301 --> 00:23:50,846
Sure, but I don't look like DJ.

504
00:23:50,929 --> 00:23:53,181
DJ looks like me, motherfucker!

505
00:23:53,265 --> 00:23:57,310
Yeah, we got the same fat ass,
but ladies actually want me.

506
00:23:57,394 --> 00:24:00,772
Whoa! Now, that's a feisty meatball.

507
00:24:02,774 --> 00:24:04,067
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Not so fast.

508
00:24:04,151 --> 00:24:06,486
No girlfriends on the team bus,
and I mean it!

509
00:24:07,863 --> 00:24:10,699
Look at Matty. He's about to have
a fucking heart attack.

510
00:24:10,782 --> 00:24:12,367
I'm kidding. Do whatever you want.

511
00:24:12,451 --> 00:24:15,537
Eat spaghetti dinner.
Kiss in the gym. Eat each other's butts.

512
00:24:15,620 --> 00:24:18,748
I don't care,
as long as Matty stays in the zone.

513
00:24:21,001 --> 00:24:22,711
Yeah! Whoo!

514
00:24:24,463 --> 00:24:26,256
What a happy ending.

515
00:24:26,339 --> 00:24:28,216
I don't know about anyone else,

516
00:24:28,300 --> 00:24:30,677
but I didn't learn a goddamn thing.

517
00:24:31,720 --> 00:24:37,392
♪ My home is in Kentucky ♪

518
00:24:37,476 --> 00:24:42,647
♪ And that is where I'll die ♪

519
00:24:43,273 --> 00:24:46,109
♪ I hope it's soon ♪

520
00:24:46,193 --> 00:24:50,489
♪ 'Cause I presume ♪

521
00:24:50,572 --> 00:24:55,494
♪ It's all a waste of time ♪