1
00:00:15,432 --> 00:00:17,183
It finally happened, boys.
2
00:00:17,267 --> 00:00:19,144
-You had your first heart attack?
-[Ben] No!
3
00:00:19,227 --> 00:00:22,480
You're getting your own place
and becoming an independent adult?
4
00:00:22,564 --> 00:00:23,481
[Ben] Shut up!
5
00:00:23,565 --> 00:00:25,734
You finally accepted Jesus?
6
00:00:25,817 --> 00:00:29,571
What? Who are you?
What the fuck are you doing here?
7
00:00:29,654 --> 00:00:31,406
I'm just sharing the good word.
8
00:00:31,489 --> 00:00:32,699
Get out of here!
9
00:00:33,658 --> 00:00:35,994
Jesus can suck my flappy tits!
10
00:00:36,077 --> 00:00:38,329
-[kid groans]
-Gentlemen, listen up.
11
00:00:38,413 --> 00:00:39,748
For the first time ever,
12
00:00:39,831 --> 00:00:43,334
we've been invited
to the Cincinnati Invitational Tournament.
13
00:00:43,418 --> 00:00:45,503
Whoa! What do we get if we win?
14
00:00:45,587 --> 00:00:46,755
Guys, there's no way we win.
15
00:00:46,838 --> 00:00:49,424
These teams are actually good,
and you guys are very bad.
16
00:00:49,507 --> 00:00:51,384
[scoffs] Tell us how you really feel.
17
00:00:51,468 --> 00:00:54,345
This tournament
is the fucking prom for coaches.
18
00:00:54,429 --> 00:00:58,558
Even Phil Storm from Storm on Sports
on channel 60 will be there.
19
00:00:58,641 --> 00:01:01,436
Hey, yo! Incredible!
Phil Storm's gonna be there.
20
00:01:01,519 --> 00:01:02,729
You're a fan? You know him?
21
00:01:02,812 --> 00:01:04,189
No, I was being sarcastic,
22
00:01:04,272 --> 00:01:06,733
which is sometimes hard to do
with my lisp.
23
00:01:06,816 --> 00:01:08,359
Oh, I'm sorry, Coach.
24
00:01:08,443 --> 00:01:10,278
I won't be able
to do a lot of the mingling.
25
00:01:10,361 --> 00:01:13,490
I'll be too busy creating a perfect date
for Shannon's birthday at the hotel.
26
00:01:13,573 --> 00:01:14,824
Boring!
27
00:01:14,908 --> 00:01:17,994
Ron, how many times do I have to tell you,
28
00:01:18,078 --> 00:01:22,332
no romantic shit with my wife
during team activities.
29
00:01:22,415 --> 00:01:26,294
Boys, the bus leaves at 9:00 a.m. sharp.
30
00:01:26,377 --> 00:01:27,420
No excuses!
31
00:01:27,504 --> 00:01:29,839
Whoever's not there gets left behind.
32
00:01:30,215 --> 00:01:32,759
No one is above the rules!
33
00:01:32,842 --> 00:01:34,427
[kid] Except for Jesus.
34
00:01:34,511 --> 00:01:36,262
He makes the rules.
35
00:01:36,346 --> 00:01:37,931
Get outta here!
36
00:01:40,517 --> 00:01:42,519
[theme music playing]
37
00:01:45,480 --> 00:01:47,190
[whistle blows]
38
00:01:47,273 --> 00:01:48,399
♪ Hey, yeah ♪
39
00:01:48,483 --> 00:01:51,236
♪ Sick of my job
Sick of those damn kids ♪
40
00:01:52,237 --> 00:01:53,363
♪ Hey, yeah ♪
41
00:01:53,446 --> 00:01:56,032
♪ Driving me crazy
'Bout to lose my shit ♪
42
00:01:57,158 --> 00:01:57,992
♪ Hey, yeah ♪
43
00:01:58,076 --> 00:02:01,287
♪ Sick of my job
Sick of those damn kids ♪
44
00:02:02,122 --> 00:02:03,248
♪ Hey, yeah ♪
45
00:02:03,331 --> 00:02:05,542
♪ 'Bout to lose my shit, yeah ♪
46
00:02:06,584 --> 00:02:07,585
[tires screech]
47
00:02:11,089 --> 00:02:11,923
♪ Hoops! ♪
48
00:02:12,006 --> 00:02:12,882
[whistle blows]
49
00:02:12,966 --> 00:02:13,883
♪ Hoops! ♪
50
00:02:14,759 --> 00:02:15,885
♪ Hoops! ♪
51
00:02:16,594 --> 00:02:17,554
♪ Hoops! ♪
52
00:02:33,778 --> 00:02:36,114
Well, boys, we finally made it.
53
00:02:36,197 --> 00:02:38,616
Nothing is different here in Cincinnati.
54
00:02:38,700 --> 00:02:40,660
The rims are still ten feet high,
55
00:02:40,743 --> 00:02:43,079
the basketballs are still 22 ounces,
56
00:02:43,163 --> 00:02:46,249
and DJ is still 84 pounds overweight.
57
00:02:46,332 --> 00:02:49,002
[laughs] And that's after a big dump.
58
00:02:49,794 --> 00:02:52,005
Whoa! Phil Storm!
59
00:02:52,463 --> 00:02:55,383
Heard a lot of interesting things
about you, Coach Hopkins.
60
00:02:55,466 --> 00:02:59,470
-Mind if we do a quick interview?
-You want me to be on Storm on Sports?
61
00:02:59,554 --> 00:03:02,932
And we're live in three, two, one.
62
00:03:03,016 --> 00:03:04,309
[buzzer]
63
00:03:04,684 --> 00:03:06,311
Sorry, we can't go till that buzzer stops.
64
00:03:06,394 --> 00:03:08,271
Hey, knock it off!
I'm giving an interview.
65
00:03:08,354 --> 00:03:09,856
Stop that buzzer!
66
00:03:09,939 --> 00:03:12,483
Why don't you just
hit the snooze button again?
67
00:03:12,817 --> 00:03:14,694
[alarm buzzing]
68
00:03:14,777 --> 00:03:18,489
Oh, fucking RadioShack motherfuckers
fucked me again.
69
00:03:19,240 --> 00:03:21,910
-[glass smashes]
-[Ben] How the fuck is it still open?
70
00:03:24,996 --> 00:03:26,956
Ooh, this one gets me!
71
00:03:27,040 --> 00:03:28,583
[line ringing]
72
00:03:28,666 --> 00:03:30,501
You left me behind, you pricks.
73
00:03:30,585 --> 00:03:31,878
You said we had to.
74
00:03:31,961 --> 00:03:35,048
It was your rules.
You really should have seen that coming.
75
00:03:35,131 --> 00:03:37,675
Well, how the hell
am I supposed to get to Cincinnati now?
76
00:03:37,759 --> 00:03:40,595
Well, if you hurry, you could
probably catch a ride with Shannon.
77
00:03:40,678 --> 00:03:42,764
She's really coming on my trip?
78
00:03:42,847 --> 00:03:44,182
I thought you were joking.
79
00:03:44,265 --> 00:03:45,683
That's why I boring-ed you.
80
00:03:45,767 --> 00:03:46,851
It's her birthday.
81
00:03:46,935 --> 00:03:48,645
I mean, I planned a romantic weekend,
82
00:03:48,728 --> 00:03:51,856
and not making her ride on the bus
with the team is just the first
83
00:03:51,940 --> 00:03:54,192
in a series of birthday presents
I've arranged for her.
84
00:03:54,275 --> 00:03:56,110
Plus, she says
I get too chatty in the car.
85
00:03:56,194 --> 00:03:58,613
You know, she thinks I just go on and on.
86
00:03:58,696 --> 00:04:00,573
I think I get it from my Uncle Peter.
87
00:04:00,657 --> 00:04:04,035
Now, he wasn't a blood uncle,
just a good pal of my dad's.
88
00:04:04,661 --> 00:04:05,620
Hello?
89
00:04:06,287 --> 00:04:07,455
Ben's gonna catch a ride.
90
00:04:07,538 --> 00:04:10,375
I don't wanna hear a damn thing about Ben!
91
00:04:10,458 --> 00:04:12,418
That man ruined my whole weekend.
92
00:04:12,502 --> 00:04:14,420
You think I wanna be here chaperoning?
93
00:04:14,504 --> 00:04:18,675
I was gonna do a sensory deprivation tank
and trip inside my own body.
94
00:04:18,758 --> 00:04:20,843
But here I am with you fools.
95
00:04:20,927 --> 00:04:22,345
I love an overnighter.
96
00:04:22,428 --> 00:04:25,348
[chuckles] What happens on the road
stays on the road.
97
00:04:25,431 --> 00:04:26,599
Just like my dad.
98
00:04:26,683 --> 00:04:28,810
You guys are missing the forest
for the trees.
99
00:04:28,893 --> 00:04:31,062
This is a basketball tournament
on the road.
100
00:04:31,145 --> 00:04:32,355
You know who's gonna be there?
101
00:04:32,438 --> 00:04:35,066
Uh, basketball players,
coaches, scorekeepers.
102
00:04:35,149 --> 00:04:36,276
Supportive parents!
103
00:04:36,359 --> 00:04:38,152
No! Cheerleaders!
104
00:04:38,236 --> 00:04:40,738
Ones who don't know we're losers.
105
00:04:40,822 --> 00:04:42,782
-Oh, yeah. Cheerleaders are great.
-Oh, hell yeah.
106
00:04:43,283 --> 00:04:45,243
Oh, damn!
I brought road chili for the drive,
107
00:04:45,326 --> 00:04:46,703
but it leaked out of its container.
108
00:04:46,786 --> 00:04:48,121
Yeah, and all over your bag.
109
00:04:48,204 --> 00:04:49,622
The container was the bag.
110
00:04:49,706 --> 00:04:52,000
Why would I put a container
inside another container?
111
00:04:52,083 --> 00:04:53,918
That don't make no sense, you dumb shit.
112
00:04:56,170 --> 00:04:57,130
[tires screech]
113
00:04:57,213 --> 00:04:58,631
[smashes]
114
00:05:02,176 --> 00:05:04,762
I know, Mom, but Ron means well.
115
00:05:04,846 --> 00:05:07,223
He thinks it'll still be
a romantic birthday weekend,
116
00:05:07,307 --> 00:05:09,684
even with all the kids
and the games and the...
117
00:05:10,268 --> 00:05:11,227
Ben!
118
00:05:11,311 --> 00:05:13,146
No, sorry, Mom. Ben's here.
119
00:05:13,604 --> 00:05:16,607
A little heavier in the face,
but I think he's just bloated.
120
00:05:17,525 --> 00:05:19,902
I need a ride. Ron made me miss the bus.
121
00:05:19,986 --> 00:05:20,945
Nuh-uh.
122
00:05:21,029 --> 00:05:24,324
Ben, I just wanna have
a nice, peaceful drive up there
123
00:05:24,407 --> 00:05:26,451
listening to my podcasts
about brutal murders.
124
00:05:26,534 --> 00:05:29,412
Shannon, please.
It's the Cincinnati Invitational.
125
00:05:29,495 --> 00:05:31,748
Is that why you're dressed
like Colonel Sanders?
126
00:05:31,831 --> 00:05:34,500
Shannon, trust me.
You won't even know I'm in the car.
127
00:05:35,501 --> 00:05:37,086
[woman] Welcome to another episode
128
00:05:37,170 --> 00:05:41,174
of Women Who Might Kill
Listen to Women Who Did Kill.
129
00:05:41,257 --> 00:05:44,218
On this episode,
we explore the twisty-turny tale
130
00:05:44,302 --> 00:05:47,180
of a landlady murdered in cold blood,
131
00:05:47,263 --> 00:05:48,556
but who did it?
132
00:05:48,639 --> 00:05:50,266
-Our gripping t--
-It was the daughter!
133
00:05:50,350 --> 00:05:51,392
I saw it on the news.
134
00:05:51,476 --> 00:05:53,519
I really thought her sister did it,
but she didn't.
135
00:05:53,603 --> 00:05:55,480
You're gonna shit yourself! Here's why:
136
00:05:55,563 --> 00:05:58,649
you don't see it coming!
You really don't. It's an amazing ending.
137
00:05:58,733 --> 00:05:59,776
Argh!
138
00:06:02,320 --> 00:06:05,198
[boys struggling and groaning]
139
00:06:07,325 --> 00:06:08,159
Behold,
140
00:06:08,242 --> 00:06:10,870
the mecca of cheerleaders.
141
00:06:11,245 --> 00:06:12,080
Now what?
142
00:06:12,163 --> 00:06:14,624
We can't just go up to cheerleaders.
We need a plan.
143
00:06:14,707 --> 00:06:16,376
Yes, the perfect plan.
144
00:06:16,459 --> 00:06:20,505
Every move must be mapped out precisely,
and then, when the moment's right...
145
00:06:20,588 --> 00:06:21,798
Scott's talking to them.
146
00:06:21,881 --> 00:06:23,383
-[laughing]
-[girl] Oh, that's so funny!
147
00:06:23,466 --> 00:06:25,802
-Oh, my God. You're so stupid!
-[Scott] Now, stop it.
148
00:06:25,885 --> 00:06:26,886
[laughing]
149
00:06:27,678 --> 00:06:30,431
Hi. Checking in for Lenwood High School.
150
00:06:30,515 --> 00:06:32,266
You must be Ben Hopkins.
151
00:06:32,350 --> 00:06:33,601
Oh! [laughs]
152
00:06:33,684 --> 00:06:35,228
Oh, no, no, no!
153
00:06:35,311 --> 00:06:37,605
I mean, maybe someday, I hope,
154
00:06:37,688 --> 00:06:40,316
but right now, I'm Ron,
the assistant coach.
155
00:06:40,400 --> 00:06:42,068
Only real coaches...
156
00:06:42,151 --> 00:06:44,904
I'm sorry, head coaches can check in.
157
00:06:44,987 --> 00:06:48,074
If the head coach isn't here,
the team doesn't play.
158
00:06:48,157 --> 00:06:49,492
I'm Coach Hopkins.
159
00:06:49,575 --> 00:06:51,702
You're Mr. Ben Hopkins?
160
00:06:51,786 --> 00:06:53,579
Bitch, it's 2020!
161
00:06:53,663 --> 00:06:55,456
You really wanna do this?
162
00:06:56,499 --> 00:06:58,376
You're Ben until he shows up.
163
00:06:58,459 --> 00:07:01,712
Oh, OK. Then you have to set up
for Shannon's birthday.
164
00:07:01,796 --> 00:07:04,173
In there,
you'll find a list of every activity,
165
00:07:04,257 --> 00:07:06,384
color-coordinated by intimacy level.
166
00:07:06,467 --> 00:07:08,094
I need to watch the kids.
167
00:07:08,177 --> 00:07:09,345
Oh, the kids will be fine.
168
00:07:09,429 --> 00:07:11,055
Marcus is very maternal.
169
00:07:11,139 --> 00:07:13,516
Please, I need everything
to go perfectly for Shannon.
170
00:07:13,599 --> 00:07:17,645
Attention! All head coaches,
please report to Ballroom A.
171
00:07:17,728 --> 00:07:19,564
[yelps] I got to go be Coach.
172
00:07:19,647 --> 00:07:22,275
Let me know when Shannon gets here.
Hopkins out!
173
00:07:22,692 --> 00:07:24,026
[sighs] Great.
174
00:07:24,110 --> 00:07:27,113
Should be floating in a fucking tank,
tripping my balls off.
175
00:07:27,196 --> 00:07:29,782
Instead, I'm stuck in shitty Cincinnati.
176
00:07:32,034 --> 00:07:35,371
[angelic music plays]
177
00:07:35,455 --> 00:07:38,082
Cincinnati, hello!
178
00:07:38,166 --> 00:07:40,460
Ooh, this is nice!
179
00:07:41,085 --> 00:07:41,919
Mmm!
180
00:07:45,173 --> 00:07:46,507
What songs do you know?
181
00:07:46,591 --> 00:07:49,302
Well, I'm second chair
in the Cincinnati Philharmonic.
182
00:07:49,385 --> 00:07:52,555
-Do you know the song "Tubthumping"?
-Tchaikovsky?
183
00:07:53,097 --> 00:07:54,307
Chumbawamba.
184
00:07:54,932 --> 00:07:55,766
Oh...
185
00:07:56,309 --> 00:07:57,393
Yes.
186
00:07:59,145 --> 00:08:00,188
[horns honking]
187
00:08:03,274 --> 00:08:04,817
Are those Munchie Poppers?
188
00:08:04,901 --> 00:08:06,652
Yes, of course. It's a road trip!
189
00:08:06,736 --> 00:08:08,529
This is always our road trip food.
190
00:08:09,155 --> 00:08:11,657
OK, fine, since we're on a road trip.
191
00:08:11,741 --> 00:08:14,785
Yeah, we had so much fun
on those road trips.
192
00:08:14,869 --> 00:08:17,788
-[horns honking]
-The fuck is going on with this traffic?
193
00:08:17,872 --> 00:08:20,541
I mean, with traffic this bad,
the guy better be dead.
194
00:08:20,625 --> 00:08:21,834
I'm not happy he's dead,
195
00:08:21,918 --> 00:08:24,378
but this long of a wait,
we'd better have a death.
196
00:08:24,462 --> 00:08:26,339
[horns continue honking]
197
00:08:26,422 --> 00:08:28,799
[siren wailing]
198
00:08:28,883 --> 00:08:30,426
[exhales deeply]
199
00:08:33,012 --> 00:08:35,223
Yep, it's definitely a time bomb.
200
00:08:35,598 --> 00:08:39,018
What kind of sick fuck labels it?
201
00:08:39,101 --> 00:08:42,188
Please, get off at the next exit.
We gotta find another route.
202
00:08:42,271 --> 00:08:45,608
Oh, no way. Uh-uh.
That's how you always get us lost.
203
00:08:45,691 --> 00:08:47,777
[GPS] Estimated time in traffic, one hour.
204
00:08:47,860 --> 00:08:48,694
No! No way.
205
00:08:48,778 --> 00:08:50,071
No, no, no! No way!
206
00:08:50,154 --> 00:08:51,864
Argh! I'm sweating in my suit.
207
00:08:51,948 --> 00:08:53,282
Take off your jacket.
208
00:08:53,366 --> 00:08:55,576
I can't! It's a one-piece.
209
00:08:56,285 --> 00:08:57,203
Damn it!
210
00:08:59,872 --> 00:09:01,958
We're gonna have a great tournament,
head coaches.
211
00:09:02,041 --> 00:09:03,834
And I'm sure we can all agree
212
00:09:03,918 --> 00:09:07,713
that a team is only as good
as his assistant coach.
213
00:09:08,756 --> 00:09:10,174
[chuckling]
214
00:09:10,258 --> 00:09:12,301
[laughing]
215
00:09:13,553 --> 00:09:15,513
[laughing] All right, then.
216
00:09:15,596 --> 00:09:18,099
And now a special guest
who needs no introduction,
217
00:09:18,182 --> 00:09:21,561
one of the most famous
college basketball coaches of all time...
218
00:09:22,812 --> 00:09:23,854
[all gasp]
219
00:09:25,982 --> 00:09:26,941
[cell phone chimes]
220
00:09:29,485 --> 00:09:30,444
[Ben] Bobby Knight?
221
00:09:30,528 --> 00:09:32,989
He met my hero, Bobby Knight?
222
00:09:33,072 --> 00:09:34,907
Oh, he's gonna hear it now!
223
00:09:34,991 --> 00:09:37,368
You're not a coach, Ron. I'm the coach.
224
00:09:37,451 --> 00:09:39,495
Oh, damn it. Now we lost service!
225
00:09:39,579 --> 00:09:42,039
You got us lost
in the middle of goddamn nowhere.
226
00:09:42,123 --> 00:09:44,959
Oh, just relax.
There's a gas station right up there.
227
00:09:45,042 --> 00:09:47,128
We'll just pull in,
and we'll ask for directions.
228
00:09:47,211 --> 00:09:49,505
Fine. I have to pee anyway.
229
00:09:56,387 --> 00:09:57,513
Uh, excuse me.
230
00:09:57,597 --> 00:09:59,181
Hey! Hey, watch the suit!
231
00:09:59,265 --> 00:10:02,268
Sorry. You startled me.
Are you the new Colonel Sanders?
232
00:10:02,351 --> 00:10:03,686
I think it's still Gaffigan.
233
00:10:03,769 --> 00:10:04,604
Listen, buddy.
234
00:10:04,687 --> 00:10:07,231
I'm trying to get to Cincinnati.
What's the best way from here?
235
00:10:07,315 --> 00:10:09,150
Oh, you mean Sin City?
236
00:10:09,233 --> 00:10:10,735
[laughs] That's what I call it.
237
00:10:10,818 --> 00:10:13,779
I had a foursome there once.
You wanna see some pictures?
238
00:10:13,863 --> 00:10:15,281
Look, I'm in a hurry.
239
00:10:15,364 --> 00:10:16,907
But yeah, sure. Real quick.
240
00:10:27,001 --> 00:10:30,004
-What the hell happened?
-I'll tell you what the hell happened.
241
00:10:30,087 --> 00:10:33,549
This guy claims he was in a foursome,
but there's only two women here.
242
00:10:33,633 --> 00:10:36,302
Who do you think's
taking the picture, dumbass?
243
00:10:36,385 --> 00:10:37,803
I guess that checks.
244
00:10:41,349 --> 00:10:42,308
Where's the car?
245
00:10:42,391 --> 00:10:44,143
Shannon, what'd you do?
246
00:10:44,226 --> 00:10:46,646
Oh, fuck! You had to pee.
247
00:10:46,729 --> 00:10:50,024
That tiny little bladder of yours
always ruins everything.
248
00:10:50,816 --> 00:10:52,818
[violin playing]
249
00:10:59,283 --> 00:11:00,534
Don't judge me.
250
00:11:00,618 --> 00:11:01,702
[knock at door]
251
00:11:02,536 --> 00:11:04,622
Hi, you must be Shannon.
252
00:11:04,705 --> 00:11:06,582
We're here for your couple's massage.
253
00:11:06,666 --> 00:11:07,625
[Opal] Hmm!
254
00:11:07,708 --> 00:11:09,710
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
255
00:11:10,586 --> 00:11:12,588
[Opal moaning]
256
00:11:14,215 --> 00:11:17,677
Fuck it.
Perhaps I shall start driving for Uber.
257
00:11:21,389 --> 00:11:23,057
Argh! Son of a bitch!
258
00:11:23,140 --> 00:11:24,392
Who even cares?
259
00:11:24,475 --> 00:11:26,644
No one's gonna see me
in this great suit anyway.
260
00:11:26,727 --> 00:11:29,271
Ron's in Cincinnati. Where the fuck am I?
261
00:11:29,355 --> 00:11:31,857
Nowhere. We are nowhere.
262
00:11:31,941 --> 00:11:33,984
You really topped yourself this time, Ben.
263
00:11:34,068 --> 00:11:36,070
No phone, no wallets, and no car.
264
00:11:36,153 --> 00:11:37,321
Why are you blaming me?
265
00:11:37,405 --> 00:11:40,324
We should be blaming
that big-dicked asshole at the gas pump.
266
00:11:40,408 --> 00:11:42,868
Your job was to ask for directions.
267
00:11:42,952 --> 00:11:43,994
How hard is that?
268
00:11:44,078 --> 00:11:47,123
That's what I started with.
I can't predict where a conversation goes.
269
00:11:47,206 --> 00:11:49,417
Was I to say no to pictures of a foursome?
270
00:11:49,500 --> 00:11:53,754
Which, after much thought, I'm convinced
was just a threesome with a selfie stick.
271
00:11:53,838 --> 00:11:55,715
Will you stop talking about that guy?
272
00:11:55,798 --> 00:11:58,259
I'm just saying,
that angle was way too high.
273
00:11:58,342 --> 00:11:59,468
Cool guy though.
274
00:12:01,387 --> 00:12:02,388
[elevator pings]
275
00:12:04,181 --> 00:12:07,601
Why can't we just go knock on doors
and do a room-to-room cheerleader check?
276
00:12:07,685 --> 00:12:08,769
'Cause that's creepy.
277
00:12:08,853 --> 00:12:11,313
The smooth man's game
is to do what we're doing:
278
00:12:11,397 --> 00:12:13,691
wait in an elevator until they wander on.
279
00:12:16,277 --> 00:12:18,070
-I'm getting hungry.
-Shocker.
280
00:12:18,154 --> 00:12:19,822
-Check your pockets.
-[grunting]
281
00:12:20,281 --> 00:12:22,032
[gasps] It's a miracle.
282
00:12:22,116 --> 00:12:24,869
Stuffing your pockets with corn dogs
is not a miracle, DJ.
283
00:12:24,952 --> 00:12:26,871
It is if you forget you put 'em there.
284
00:12:27,371 --> 00:12:29,415
[gasps] Another miracle!
285
00:12:29,498 --> 00:12:31,083
God is sending me a message,
286
00:12:31,167 --> 00:12:33,627
-and it is delicious.
-[elevator bell dings]
287
00:12:37,840 --> 00:12:39,049
-Shit.
-Say something.
288
00:12:39,133 --> 00:12:41,635
-Do something. Goddamn. You!
-[boys whispering]
289
00:12:41,719 --> 00:12:44,013
-Say something.
-Hey! Get off me.
290
00:12:44,847 --> 00:12:45,931
You got this.
291
00:12:46,015 --> 00:12:47,057
Play it cool.
292
00:12:47,892 --> 00:12:48,726
[bell rings]
293
00:12:49,685 --> 00:12:50,770
What are you doing?
294
00:12:50,853 --> 00:12:52,605
I... Uh, we...
295
00:12:53,063 --> 00:12:54,982
-Corn dog?
-Eww! What?
296
00:12:55,065 --> 00:12:56,859
Oh my God. This is painful.
297
00:12:56,942 --> 00:12:58,944
Ladies, the guys and I
are gonna hit the pool later.
298
00:12:59,028 --> 00:13:00,988
-Do you wanna meet us there?
-Sure.
299
00:13:01,071 --> 00:13:02,823
[boys] Cool!
300
00:13:02,907 --> 00:13:04,241
[bell dings, door opens]
301
00:13:06,744 --> 00:13:09,955
Just another smooth play by Big Daddy DJ.
302
00:13:14,168 --> 00:13:15,419
Quiet down. [clears throat]
303
00:13:15,503 --> 00:13:17,296
Hand goes up, mouths go shut. All right.
304
00:13:17,379 --> 00:13:21,425
I hope that you're all enjoying
the complimentary buffet and open bar.
305
00:13:21,509 --> 00:13:24,011
Wait. It's free? Even the shrimp?
306
00:13:24,887 --> 00:13:26,680
I wanted to take this opportunity
307
00:13:26,764 --> 00:13:30,059
to welcome a coach
that's joining us for the first time.
308
00:13:30,643 --> 00:13:32,645
Well, that was going to be
the extent of the welcome,
309
00:13:32,728 --> 00:13:36,148
but he sent multiple emails
demanding to give a speech, so...
310
00:13:36,232 --> 00:13:38,692
[clears throat]
...please welcome Ben Hopkins.
311
00:13:38,776 --> 00:13:40,694
[applause]
312
00:13:40,778 --> 00:13:42,029
Oh, don't worry, Mr. Hopkins.
313
00:13:42,112 --> 00:13:45,574
The speech that you sent us
is in the prompter, just as you wrote it.
314
00:13:50,454 --> 00:13:52,581
Thank you all for coming here tonight.
315
00:13:56,210 --> 00:13:57,586
Oh my God, Coach.
316
00:13:57,670 --> 00:13:58,754
-[man] Hm?
-[coughing]
317
00:13:58,838 --> 00:14:01,006
You know what? Just turn the prompter off.
318
00:14:01,090 --> 00:14:03,759
I'm gonna go off script
and speak from the heart.
319
00:14:04,844 --> 00:14:06,804
What I love about being a coach
320
00:14:06,887 --> 00:14:09,515
is that we are in positions
of great leadership.
321
00:14:09,598 --> 00:14:12,268
And I hope we all remember
each and every day
322
00:14:12,351 --> 00:14:16,021
how fortunate we are to be
more than the next generation of leaders.
323
00:14:16,105 --> 00:14:19,483
We are the ones who lead the leaders.
324
00:14:19,567 --> 00:14:21,443
We're leader leaders!
325
00:14:21,527 --> 00:14:24,613
[murmuring]
326
00:14:25,030 --> 00:14:27,867
But most importantly, it's about the kids.
327
00:14:27,950 --> 00:14:31,245
Without us around,
who knows what trouble they'd get into.
328
00:14:33,831 --> 00:14:35,583
[Isaac] Oh, my God!
329
00:14:35,958 --> 00:14:38,919
-You know who I feel bad for?
-The family of the deceased?
330
00:14:39,003 --> 00:14:40,379
No! Us!
331
00:14:40,462 --> 00:14:42,506
We can't party with cheerleaders
in this dump.
332
00:14:42,590 --> 00:14:45,050
They're gonna get in here
and turn right back around.
333
00:14:45,134 --> 00:14:47,011
We won't see a single tankini.
334
00:14:48,220 --> 00:14:49,597
What? A tankini.
335
00:14:49,680 --> 00:14:53,142
A 16-year-old girl's modest transition
from a one-piece into a bikini.
336
00:14:53,225 --> 00:14:55,102
Tank top, bikini. A tankini.
337
00:14:55,477 --> 00:14:56,896
Tankinis.
338
00:14:56,979 --> 00:14:58,564
Maybe we should just go back to the room.
339
00:14:58,647 --> 00:15:00,691
It's gross there,
but not as gross as this.
340
00:15:00,774 --> 00:15:01,609
No!
341
00:15:02,067 --> 00:15:04,737
Guys, come on! We can fix this.
342
00:15:04,820 --> 00:15:06,280
Now, I know it's not pretty,
343
00:15:06,363 --> 00:15:10,326
but if we all work together,
we can make this pool sparkle.
344
00:15:10,409 --> 00:15:13,996
So let's roll up our sleeves
and get rid of all this disgusting DNA.
345
00:15:14,079 --> 00:15:15,748
-But--
-We are cleaning this pool!
346
00:15:15,831 --> 00:15:17,082
Tankinis!
347
00:15:17,166 --> 00:15:19,585
[electronic music playing]
348
00:15:24,757 --> 00:15:26,550
Guys, you gotta scrub harder.
349
00:15:26,634 --> 00:15:28,928
I can totally still smell all the murder.
350
00:15:29,011 --> 00:15:32,097
What I wanna know is how do you draw
a chalk outline under the water?
351
00:15:32,181 --> 00:15:33,849
That don't make no fucking sense.
352
00:15:39,188 --> 00:15:41,815
Look! Maybe somebody in there can help us.
353
00:15:41,899 --> 00:15:43,651
We can make it. We're not too late.
354
00:15:43,734 --> 00:15:46,779
We can try, but they're
not gonna let me in without an ID.
355
00:15:46,862 --> 00:15:48,489
I always get carded.
356
00:15:48,572 --> 00:15:49,823
[laughs]
357
00:15:49,907 --> 00:15:50,991
Good one.
358
00:15:51,700 --> 00:15:53,494
Oh, I'm sorry. You were serious.
359
00:15:56,205 --> 00:15:58,666
Hi. Now, you're probably
not gonna believe this.
360
00:15:58,749 --> 00:16:00,459
I just don't have my ID because...
361
00:16:00,542 --> 00:16:02,753
You're old and you forgot. No worries.
362
00:16:03,712 --> 00:16:04,755
Hi there.
363
00:16:04,838 --> 00:16:08,133
May I please borrow your phone
for just a teeny tiny second?
364
00:16:10,511 --> 00:16:13,180
-What are you doing? Call Ron.
-I don't know his number.
365
00:16:13,263 --> 00:16:15,766
I don't know anyone's phone number.
Here. You call Ron.
366
00:16:15,849 --> 00:16:17,726
I don't know his number
off the top of my head.
367
00:16:17,810 --> 00:16:20,270
How do you not know his number?
He's your boyfriend.
368
00:16:20,354 --> 00:16:22,356
Well, he's your assistant coach!
369
00:16:22,439 --> 00:16:23,440
Give me the phone!
370
00:16:23,524 --> 00:16:24,775
Call Ron!
371
00:16:26,110 --> 00:16:27,194
Hey, Kathy!
372
00:16:27,277 --> 00:16:28,904
Wait. Who the hell are you?
373
00:16:28,988 --> 00:16:31,490
-Who the hell are you? You're not Ron.
-Yes, I am.
374
00:16:31,573 --> 00:16:33,701
Well, you're not the Ron
I'm looking for, asshole.
375
00:16:33,784 --> 00:16:35,536
Well, you're not Kathy, asshole!
376
00:16:35,619 --> 00:16:37,413
What the hell is going on?
377
00:16:37,496 --> 00:16:40,457
It's official,
all Rons are fucking useless.
378
00:16:42,584 --> 00:16:43,502
[woman] Ow! Ow!
379
00:16:43,585 --> 00:16:45,004
It hurts! It hurts!
380
00:16:45,087 --> 00:16:46,714
[chuckles] OK, too bad.
381
00:16:46,797 --> 00:16:50,342
Now, the best time is still seven seconds.
382
00:16:50,426 --> 00:16:55,889
Can anybody beat seven seconds
and steal this jackpot?
383
00:16:55,973 --> 00:16:57,391
I have a new plan.
384
00:17:01,437 --> 00:17:03,856
I guess all those stories
we've heard about you being a hothead
385
00:17:03,939 --> 00:17:07,109
were wrong, Hopkins. Turns out
you're just a big old teddy bear.
386
00:17:07,192 --> 00:17:08,068
Coach Hopkins.
387
00:17:08,152 --> 00:17:11,613
That was one of the greatest speeches
I've heard in a very long time.
388
00:17:11,697 --> 00:17:14,575
How would you like
to be my featured guest tonight?
389
00:17:14,658 --> 00:17:16,076
-You... Me?
-That's right.
390
00:17:16,160 --> 00:17:18,829
I wanna put you, Coach,
in the Eye of the Storm.
391
00:17:18,912 --> 00:17:21,206
It's the most popular segment
of Storm on Sports,
392
00:17:21,290 --> 00:17:22,624
formerly known as the Storm Surge,
393
00:17:22,708 --> 00:17:24,585
and not to be confused
with Riders on the Storm,
394
00:17:24,668 --> 00:17:26,628
my hit podcast you can download today.
395
00:17:26,712 --> 00:17:30,132
Wow! A TV show and a podcast?
396
00:17:30,215 --> 00:17:32,176
Is there anything you can't do?
397
00:17:32,259 --> 00:17:34,344
[sighs] Yeah. Please a woman.
398
00:17:36,972 --> 00:17:38,640
You can barely see the chalk outline.
399
00:17:38,724 --> 00:17:41,560
Let's fill this baby up
before the tankinis get here.
400
00:17:45,272 --> 00:17:48,192
Goddamn it. What'd I tell y'all?
Soap is the devil's syrup.
401
00:17:48,275 --> 00:17:49,359
Jeez Louise!
402
00:17:49,443 --> 00:17:51,528
Now they're gonna think
we wanna take a bubble bath.
403
00:17:51,612 --> 00:17:53,113
That's not cool at all.
404
00:17:53,864 --> 00:17:55,699
This isn't what it looks like.
405
00:17:58,160 --> 00:18:00,829
What this looks like is a foam party!
406
00:18:00,913 --> 00:18:03,791
How did you know we love foam?
407
00:18:03,874 --> 00:18:07,211
This is so rad.
We gotta get everybody down here.
408
00:18:07,294 --> 00:18:08,879
There's more of you?
409
00:18:11,256 --> 00:18:12,841
Oh, beautiful!
410
00:18:12,925 --> 00:18:15,219
Tie-dye tankinis.
411
00:18:15,302 --> 00:18:16,428
Yeah.
412
00:18:16,887 --> 00:18:17,846
Still gay.
413
00:18:22,017 --> 00:18:24,853
This is all riding on you
riding that bull, babe.
414
00:18:25,521 --> 00:18:26,814
Don't call me babe.
415
00:18:27,940 --> 00:18:30,234
[fast rock music playing]
416
00:18:30,317 --> 00:18:31,527
Oh, yeah! [chuckles]
417
00:18:31,610 --> 00:18:33,487
[applause]
418
00:18:34,071 --> 00:18:34,905
Yes! [laughs]
419
00:18:35,322 --> 00:18:38,534
Look at her doing that!
That's how she likes to fuck a bull!
420
00:18:40,619 --> 00:18:41,453
[Ben] That's my wife!
421
00:18:41,537 --> 00:18:42,579
That's my wife!
422
00:18:42,996 --> 00:18:44,123
You've got this!
423
00:18:46,250 --> 00:18:51,672
Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new winner
and a brand new record!
424
00:18:51,755 --> 00:18:53,841
Ha! You've still got it!
425
00:18:54,341 --> 00:18:56,093
[wistful music playing]
426
00:18:59,304 --> 00:19:00,347
[music stops]
427
00:19:00,430 --> 00:19:02,099
Congratulations, ma'am.
428
00:19:02,182 --> 00:19:05,435
That was some of the finest
mechanical bull riding I ever seen.
429
00:19:05,519 --> 00:19:07,187
Just give us the jackpot.
430
00:19:09,356 --> 00:19:11,108
Are you fucking kidding me?
431
00:19:11,191 --> 00:19:12,985
And $200!
432
00:19:13,068 --> 00:19:14,903
Thank God! I was about to lose my mind.
433
00:19:14,987 --> 00:19:17,739
In gift certificates,
only acceptable here.
434
00:19:17,823 --> 00:19:19,825
Oh, you fucking piece of shit!
435
00:19:19,908 --> 00:19:22,494
[funky music playing]
436
00:19:25,414 --> 00:19:27,416
This party is amazing!
437
00:19:27,499 --> 00:19:29,084
Might be time to cut the foam off though.
438
00:19:29,168 --> 00:19:31,545
I'm starting to lose sight
of some of these tankinis.
439
00:19:31,628 --> 00:19:34,131
Yeah, my eyes are starting to burn.
440
00:19:34,214 --> 00:19:35,841
My rashes are starting to get rashes.
441
00:19:35,924 --> 00:19:40,262
It's probably because your foam is from
industrial-grade cleaning supplies.
442
00:19:40,345 --> 00:19:41,180
Ow!
443
00:19:41,263 --> 00:19:42,681
It really stings!
444
00:19:42,764 --> 00:19:43,891
I can't see!
445
00:19:44,641 --> 00:19:46,518
It's burning my eyes.
446
00:19:46,602 --> 00:19:48,562
Now I'm blind and fat!
447
00:19:49,313 --> 00:19:50,606
[kid] Oh, it burns!
448
00:19:50,689 --> 00:19:52,816
It was supposed to be the perfect plan.
449
00:19:52,900 --> 00:19:54,818
Now we're all gonna die!
450
00:19:54,902 --> 00:19:56,904
[music playing through headphones]
451
00:19:59,656 --> 00:20:01,992
[TV jingle plays]
452
00:20:02,075 --> 00:20:04,786
We are here with the man of the hour,
Ben Hopkins.
453
00:20:04,870 --> 00:20:08,332
Now, Coach Hopkins,
give us the full storm report.
454
00:20:08,415 --> 00:20:10,334
When your kids are storming the court,
455
00:20:10,417 --> 00:20:14,046
how do you make sure
your ego doesn't steal their thunder
456
00:20:14,129 --> 00:20:16,506
as you create the perfect storm?
457
00:20:18,342 --> 00:20:19,593
Are you the weatherman?
458
00:20:19,676 --> 00:20:21,720
[TV jingle plays]
459
00:20:22,095 --> 00:20:25,015
Ugh! What a fucking mess.
460
00:20:25,098 --> 00:20:27,643
Maybe we can still make it in time
for you to coach the game.
461
00:20:27,726 --> 00:20:29,269
Ah, who even cares anymore?
462
00:20:29,353 --> 00:20:31,230
The game wasn't even the point.
463
00:20:31,313 --> 00:20:32,940
Well, then what was the point?
464
00:20:33,023 --> 00:20:35,901
This was gonna be my chance
to be taken seriously.
465
00:20:35,984 --> 00:20:37,945
I know what people think of me as a coach,
466
00:20:38,028 --> 00:20:41,156
but... but this tournament
could have changed all that.
467
00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:43,283
Hobnobbing with other top coaches.
468
00:20:43,367 --> 00:20:44,618
Meeting Bobby Knight.
469
00:20:44,701 --> 00:20:46,703
Getting pounds of free shrimp.
470
00:20:47,579 --> 00:20:49,581
I'm sorry we didn't get you there.
471
00:20:49,665 --> 00:20:52,459
Ah, well,
I'm sorry we didn't get you there.
472
00:20:52,960 --> 00:20:54,878
But tonight was kind of nice, huh?
473
00:20:57,256 --> 00:20:58,465
What is this?
474
00:20:58,548 --> 00:21:00,300
It's your birthday present, Shan.
475
00:21:00,384 --> 00:21:02,594
I was gonna give it to you
when we got to Cincinnati.
476
00:21:02,678 --> 00:21:04,930
It's the only thing
I knew you wanted from me.
477
00:21:05,013 --> 00:21:06,890
Anyway, I gotta go drain the lizard.
478
00:21:07,307 --> 00:21:09,559
Psst! The lizard is my dick.
479
00:21:15,357 --> 00:21:16,942
[melancholy music playing]
480
00:21:20,362 --> 00:21:21,989
He signed them.
481
00:21:25,158 --> 00:21:26,076
[grunts]
482
00:21:26,159 --> 00:21:27,911
Ben, I'm so confused.
483
00:21:27,995 --> 00:21:29,329
It's not that confusing.
484
00:21:29,413 --> 00:21:31,999
The lizard is my dick.
The drain is my piss.
485
00:21:32,082 --> 00:21:34,459
Therefore, draining the lizard
is taking a piss.
486
00:21:34,543 --> 00:21:38,922
-No. You signed the divorce papers.
-Yeah. I know that's all you wanted. I...
487
00:21:39,006 --> 00:21:41,008
[both moaning]
488
00:21:43,302 --> 00:21:45,595
It, uh... It unzips in the back.
489
00:21:45,679 --> 00:21:46,722
Ugh!
490
00:21:46,805 --> 00:21:48,348
[Shannon moaning]
491
00:21:49,599 --> 00:21:51,727
[Shannon] Kernel Sanders!
492
00:21:51,810 --> 00:21:54,354
This is actually a Kernel Sanders costume?
493
00:21:54,438 --> 00:21:56,732
Yes. I've always just thought
it was a really cool look.
494
00:21:56,815 --> 00:22:00,402
-How did you even get into this?
-It's a process. Kirk was a big help.
495
00:22:00,944 --> 00:22:02,821
[Ben grunting and chuckling]
496
00:22:02,904 --> 00:22:03,864
There we are.
497
00:22:03,947 --> 00:22:06,158
Now, do you need help getting undressed?
498
00:22:06,241 --> 00:22:07,909
No, I wear normal clothes.
499
00:22:09,619 --> 00:22:11,038
-[Shannon moaning]
-Oh!
500
00:22:11,121 --> 00:22:12,164
Oh, yeah.
501
00:22:13,206 --> 00:22:15,709
-[Ben] Oh, my God!
-[moaning]
502
00:22:20,047 --> 00:22:22,466
♪ Shannon and Coach are having sex ♪
503
00:22:22,549 --> 00:22:24,593
♪ No, we ain't gonna show it ♪
504
00:22:24,676 --> 00:22:26,219
♪ At least not yet ♪
505
00:22:27,429 --> 00:22:30,265
♪ The show's got too much class ♪
506
00:22:30,349 --> 00:22:31,892
♪ So for right now ♪
507
00:22:31,975 --> 00:22:34,436
♪ Here's a picture of an ass ♪
508
00:22:35,062 --> 00:22:37,731
♪ Shannon and Coach are making love ♪
509
00:22:37,814 --> 00:22:39,649
♪ They're doing it with passion ♪
510
00:22:39,733 --> 00:22:41,526
♪ I tell you what ♪
511
00:22:41,610 --> 00:22:44,863
♪ We ain't gonna show 'em doing the deed ♪
512
00:22:44,946 --> 00:22:46,948
♪ But we promise you that ♪
513
00:22:47,032 --> 00:22:49,201
♪ They're varying the speed ♪
514
00:22:49,284 --> 00:22:52,954
♪ Coach's hands on Shannon's back ♪
515
00:22:53,038 --> 00:22:57,000
♪ Here's a quick flash
Of a vaginal crack ♪
516
00:22:57,084 --> 00:23:00,003
♪ No, we don't wanna show her nude ♪
517
00:23:00,087 --> 00:23:02,339
♪ Want women to watch this ♪
518
00:23:02,422 --> 00:23:04,466
♪ Not just dudes ♪
519
00:23:05,217 --> 00:23:08,011
-[rattling]
-♪ Didn't wanna show you the humping ♪
520
00:23:08,095 --> 00:23:09,721
♪ Much too gross ♪
521
00:23:09,805 --> 00:23:11,765
♪ So I thought of something ♪
522
00:23:12,391 --> 00:23:15,268
♪ Said why don't I just sing it? ♪
523
00:23:15,352 --> 00:23:16,812
♪ It's classier ♪
524
00:23:16,895 --> 00:23:19,398
♪ Than a vag with a dick in it ♪
525
00:23:27,989 --> 00:23:29,116
I understand.
526
00:23:29,199 --> 00:23:31,410
I'm very sorry we ruined your pool
527
00:23:31,493 --> 00:23:33,370
and contaminated your crime scene.
528
00:23:33,453 --> 00:23:36,498
But when has DNA
ever closed a case anyway?
529
00:23:40,794 --> 00:23:44,798
There goes the best
goddamn bull rider I ever seen.
530
00:23:45,298 --> 00:23:46,133
Hoo!
531
00:23:46,216 --> 00:23:48,468
Daddy, I am drunk!
532
00:23:49,719 --> 00:23:51,430
What the hell happened?
533
00:23:51,513 --> 00:23:54,433
I was you, Opal was Shannon,
and the tournament got canceled.
534
00:23:54,516 --> 00:23:56,643
On account of all the players
on all the teams
535
00:23:56,726 --> 00:23:59,062
gettin' severe chemical burns.
536
00:23:59,146 --> 00:24:01,440
[grunts] I saw 17 tankinis.
537
00:24:03,150 --> 00:24:05,235
I'm sorry I pretended to be you, Coach.
538
00:24:05,318 --> 00:24:06,528
I stole your thunder.
539
00:24:06,903 --> 00:24:09,030
That's a phrase I learned from Phil Storm.
540
00:24:09,489 --> 00:24:12,242
Anyway, I took something
that was supposed to be yours.
541
00:24:12,325 --> 00:24:14,911
A friend doesn't do that
to another friend.
542
00:24:14,995 --> 00:24:17,664
-I hope you can forgive me.
-[violin playing]
543
00:24:17,747 --> 00:24:19,332
Could you shut the fuck up?
544
00:24:19,833 --> 00:24:22,335
Sorry. I'm still technically on the clock.
545
00:24:22,794 --> 00:24:28,425
♪ My home is in Kentucky ♪
546
00:24:28,508 --> 00:24:33,597
♪ And that is where I'll die ♪
547
00:24:34,389 --> 00:24:37,225
♪ I hope it's soon ♪
548
00:24:37,309 --> 00:24:41,730
♪ 'Cause I presume ♪
549
00:24:41,813 --> 00:24:46,735
♪ It's all a waste of time ♪