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00:00:01,485 --> 00:00:04,670
-♪ Look up there ♪
-♪ What do you see? ♪
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00:00:04,897 --> 00:00:06,005
♪ Nature and stuff ♪
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-♪ Like a rock ♪
-♪ And a tree ♪
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♪ Oh, the Great North ♪
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♪ Way up here,
you can breathe the air ♪
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♪ Catch some fish ♪
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♪ Or gaze at a bear ♪
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♪ Wow ♪
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♪ Oh, the Great North ♪
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00:00:21,338 --> 00:00:22,837
♪ Here we live, oh, oh ♪
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♪ Here we'll stay, oh, whoo ♪
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♪ From longest night
to longest day ♪
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♪ In the Great North. ♪
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(cheering)
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NARRATOR:
The year was 1904.
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It was Alaska's
longest and coldest winter
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00:00:38,931 --> 00:00:40,021
in recorded history.
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00:00:40,041 --> 00:00:41,874
The winter known
as Mother Death.
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The citizens of Lone Moose
were on the verge of running out
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00:00:44,712 --> 00:00:47,120
of food, firewood and even hope.
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But then,
one very early morning,
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Mayor Parsnips went out on yet
another search for sustenance
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and found...
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PARSNIPS:
I have found a huge pile
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of moose droppings.
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Brown gold. Brown gold!
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NARRATOR:
First he searched
for the moose itself
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00:00:59,376 --> 00:01:01,226
to kill and eat it right away,
yum, yum, yum.
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But he never found
the bounteous beast.
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Instead, day after day,
he did find
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a prodigious pile of poops.
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A blessing from the behind.
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He collected them
and distributed
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00:01:10,887 --> 00:01:12,404
the magical manure
house to house.
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Thus the citizens of Lone Moose
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00:01:14,316 --> 00:01:17,225
used the beige bounty
to keep their fires burning,
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to plant potatoes indoors,
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to patch the cracks
in their windows and, yes,
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one guy did eat them,
and soon died.
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But if it weren't
for the rear gifts given
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from moose to mayor, the whole
town might have perished
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00:01:28,422 --> 00:01:30,905
before the winter
finally let up in mid-July.
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And so, each spring,
the citizens of Lone Moose
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gather to celebrate
both mooses and mayors
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at the Rear Gifts Festival,
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an event that culminates
in the legendary Turd Drop,
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where everyone in town
shellacs a moose poop to drop.
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And whoever gets
their fortunate fece closest
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00:01:45,681 --> 00:01:48,089
to the target
on the Mayor Parsnips monument
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00:01:48,183 --> 00:01:49,924
wins a big prize.
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Thanks for watching,
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and see you at the festival.
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-(applause)
-First off, a big thank you
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to the Lone Moose
Civic Light Opera actors
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for helping me with
that remarkable short film.
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Please go see
their current production
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00:02:01,438 --> 00:02:03,847
of Lars von Trier's Melancholia.
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00:02:03,866 --> 00:02:05,457
It'll really get you thinking.
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00:02:05,609 --> 00:02:06,941
Now, a lot of you
are probably wondering,
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"Mayor Peppers,
why did you spend $160
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of the city's operating budget
to make this tape?"
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Yeah. Should've spent it on dip.
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-Spend it on dip.
-(chanting): Spend it on dip.
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Spend it on dip.
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I did get dip. I always get dip.
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It's on the back table. Geez.
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I made the video because
I wanted to remind everyone--
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00:02:26,129 --> 00:02:27,962
but specifically the Evanoffs,
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00:02:28,056 --> 00:02:29,815
the Tobins and the Tuntleys--
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00:02:29,966 --> 00:02:31,892
of what the festival
is all about.
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00:02:32,044 --> 00:02:34,895
It's about winning the Turd Drop
by any means necessary.
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Including cheating,
injury and death.
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-Hell yeah.
-No. It's about town unity.
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-Eh! Wrong.
-Please, guys.
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You know the festival
is the one day a year
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the Lone Moose mayor gets
to take a vacation day,
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in honor of Mayor Parsnips.
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But I never get to enjoy it
because of your stupid rivalry
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and bonkers behavior.
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So I'm begging you,
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let me have my one day
of peace this year.
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Can't you guys just do this
for the mayor?
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-This is nuts.
-Thank you, Honeybee.
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I just want to pop a weed gummy,
maybe grab a sandwich
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from Lone Moose's
latest food truck sensation,
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Barbara Baconbottom's
Bottomless Bacon Truck.
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Ooh, I'll have one
ready for you, Mayor dear.
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Thank you, Barbara Baconbottoms.
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And once I'm a little high,
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I just want to go in the
bounce house and enjoy myself.
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Can you guys please
focus your rivalry
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back where we usually focus it?
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on our hatred of our rival town
Ted's Folly
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and my archnemesis Mayor Ted?
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(sighs)
Mayor Peppers is right.
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He does a lot for the town.
It's the least we could do.
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-Fine.
-I guess I agree, but I hate it.
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Great. It's settled.
Thank you, Tobins,
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Evanoffs and Tuntleys.
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This year, we will just have
a nice, normal Turd Festival.
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May our love
for each other shine
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like a pile of turds
in the morning light.
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♪ X-X-O-O ♪
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♪ I don't like
playing tic-tac-toe! ♪
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Okay, that's a blondie break.
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Apologies for the quality
of the blondies, guys.
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My dad got his hands
caught in a wasp's nest,
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so I had to make them.
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(robotically):
Bees do not compute.
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(beeping)
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(laughter)
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Ham, Crispin,
you guys aren't laughing.
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(robotically): Don't tell me
you didn't see the movie.
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Oh, no, we saw it.
We definitely saw it.
115
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-Which one again?
-Uh, Dandroid,
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00:04:13,145 --> 00:04:15,254
where Adam Sandler
plays a robot named Dan,
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00:04:15,405 --> 00:04:16,755
who's the butler
for the president.
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He's a robot,
but he's allergic to bees.
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It's incredible.
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(laughs) A bunch of us
saw it this weekend.
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-(robotically): We loved it.
-Oh, yeah. Now I remember.
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We also saw it and loved it.
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-Uh, we did?
-Yeah, remember?
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W-We saw it and you loved it.
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I-I remember because you said
"I love this movie!"
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You yelled it. Remember?
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I'm surprised you don't
remember yelling that.
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CRISPIN:
So, um,
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00:04:41,264 --> 00:04:42,764
are we gonna talk
about how you pretended
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we saw an Adam Sandler movie
about a robot or...?
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Oh. Yeah. Sorry.
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I just go along with whatever
teenage boys are talking about
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since I don't have a lot of,
you know, guy friends.
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What do you mean
you don't have guy friends?
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00:04:54,520 --> 00:04:56,202
You're literally in a band
with dudes.
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00:04:56,355 --> 00:04:58,705
But I'm not really, like,
friends with them.
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I mean, I have other friends.
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There's Goldie, my Aunt Denice,
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00:05:01,710 --> 00:05:02,634
Barbara Baconbottoms
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00:05:02,861 --> 00:05:03,951
from the Bottomless Bacon Truck.
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Uh, all perfect human beings.
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Yes, but all older ladies.
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00:05:08,867 --> 00:05:10,884
Older ladies
have a lot to offer--
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00:05:11,036 --> 00:05:12,960
menopause jokes,
thoughts on wine.
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00:05:12,980 --> 00:05:15,814
Yeah, and their divorce stories
are incredible.
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00:05:15,965 --> 00:05:17,390
But I do feel like a full freak.
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Well, if you're that worried
about it, Ham,
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why don't you try to...
make a new friend our age?
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Oh! Maybe you can meet a new bud
at the Rear Gifts Fest.
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00:05:24,808 --> 00:05:26,216
Oh, yeah! Great idea.
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00:05:26,234 --> 00:05:28,827
I'll meet a new teen guy friend,
and, next thing you know,
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we'll be pruning
his prize rose bushes together.
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Ham, honey, no.
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JUDY:
Hey, Kima,
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what did you get
for number four?
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Uh, I put "C,"
but, to be honest,
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I chose at random
and I'm not looking back.
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-"C" it is.
-Hmm.
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Why aren't you guys
being mean to each other?
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Isn't this your families'
weird turd rivalry time?
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It is. But Mayor Peppers begged
our families and the Tuntleys
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to call a truce
for the Rear Gifts Festival,
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so the truce is loose.
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And speaking of rear gifts,
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excuse me while I drop some off
in the gift collector.
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Loud and proud. I love it.
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Do your thing, chicken wing.
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-ESTHER: You can't do this!
-Hmm?
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You're not wearing that magnetic
paint to cheat at the Turd Drop!
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WALT:
It says on the package,
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"Can be worn up to 30 minutes
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"before side effects begin,
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00:06:07,350 --> 00:06:08,775
"including coma, liver failure,
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00:06:08,927 --> 00:06:10,351
mild skin irritations
and death."
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00:06:10,371 --> 00:06:12,520
It says that on the package?!
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Look, my plan is solid--
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I'm gonna put a magnet
in our turd, wear this paint,
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stand near the center
of the target and make sure
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we win first place.
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Then I'll run right to the river
to wash it off.
181
00:06:21,215 --> 00:06:24,365
You're going to wash off
deadly paint in the river?!
182
00:06:24,459 --> 00:06:26,551
You're an environmental
scientist, Walt!
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00:06:26,778 --> 00:06:28,035
Come on, Esther.
184
00:06:28,130 --> 00:06:30,705
You know my whole life
is rules and facts and figures
185
00:06:30,799 --> 00:06:32,391
and recycling and composting.
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But at Rear Gifts,
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I get to let my turd flag fly.
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Plus, you think
the Tuntleys and Tobins
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are really gonna not cheat?
190
00:06:38,899 --> 00:06:41,066
Of course not. But we promised.
191
00:06:41,293 --> 00:06:42,383
I had my fingers crossed.
192
00:06:42,477 --> 00:06:44,403
(gasps)
His fingers were crossed?
193
00:06:44,554 --> 00:06:46,312
I guess the poops
in the early morning light
194
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aren't gonna unite us all.
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00:06:47,908 --> 00:06:49,908
(pants)
I got to go tell my family!
196
00:06:50,059 --> 00:06:51,893
-(panting)
-Judy! Where are you going?!
197
00:06:52,061 --> 00:06:54,246
Oh. Uh, I have diarrhea!
And the flu!
198
00:06:54,397 --> 00:06:57,140
And, uh, a-a family emergency!
So it's a classic triple threat!
199
00:06:57,159 --> 00:06:58,917
Bye, guys!
Bye, bye, bye, bye, bye!
200
00:07:02,089 --> 00:07:04,089
So, yup,
the Evanoffs are cheating
201
00:07:04,240 --> 00:07:05,573
at the Turd Drop after all.
202
00:07:05,667 --> 00:07:07,317
What naive fools we've been.
203
00:07:07,335 --> 00:07:09,819
And now we're sitting here
with no dangerous cheating plan
204
00:07:09,838 --> 00:07:13,339
and zero chance of winning
that mani-pedi gift certificate.
205
00:07:13,492 --> 00:07:14,841
Hold up. The prize for winning
206
00:07:14,993 --> 00:07:16,993
is just
a mani-pedi gift certificate?
207
00:07:17,086 --> 00:07:19,104
Yes, and we desire it
with all our hearts.
208
00:07:19,331 --> 00:07:21,848
But the festival is tomorrow and
we don't have anything planned.
209
00:07:22,000 --> 00:07:25,835
Well, what if one of us
already had a plan in motion
210
00:07:25,854 --> 00:07:27,337
that will win us
the competition?
211
00:07:27,355 --> 00:07:28,763
-KIDS: Yes!
-I'm listening.
212
00:07:28,782 --> 00:07:30,507
Now, what do we all know
is the biggest challenge
213
00:07:30,600 --> 00:07:32,600
of finding the right
backdoor brownie to drop?
214
00:07:32,619 --> 00:07:36,062
OTHERS:
The consistency of a moose fece
can make it hard to shellac.
215
00:07:36,214 --> 00:07:40,107
-Exactly.
-I wonder if I could drive all
the way back to Fresno tonight.
216
00:07:40,202 --> 00:07:42,294
So, after the town hall
Turd Fest meeting,
217
00:07:42,521 --> 00:07:44,796
I saw a moose in the woods
and I thought, "Huh, the moose
218
00:07:44,948 --> 00:07:47,281
"is out here just eating
whatever he can get his lips on.
219
00:07:47,301 --> 00:07:49,283
"But me? Hell, I'm a human.
220
00:07:49,377 --> 00:07:51,470
"I can eat moose food
in just the right combination
221
00:07:51,621 --> 00:07:53,046
"on purpose,
222
00:07:53,198 --> 00:07:55,715
"so as to create a perfectly
formed Downtown Smoothie Brown
223
00:07:55,867 --> 00:07:57,809
-that's easy to shellac."
-My God.
224
00:07:57,961 --> 00:07:58,885
Yep. I had help.
225
00:07:58,979 --> 00:08:01,221
I went to see the vet,
Dr. French.
226
00:08:01,315 --> 00:08:03,890
I would not recommend eating
the diet of a wild animal, Wolf.
227
00:08:04,042 --> 00:08:05,817
But Lord knows
no one can stop you weirdos
228
00:08:05,969 --> 00:08:07,894
from injuring yourselves
trying to win the Turd Drop.
229
00:08:07,988 --> 00:08:09,729
So, what the hell, I'll play.
230
00:08:09,823 --> 00:08:11,472
What's your favorite
aquatic vegetation?
231
00:08:11,566 --> 00:08:14,159
Oh, pondweed, for sure.
It's not even close.
232
00:08:14,386 --> 00:08:15,568
So ever since then,
233
00:08:15,737 --> 00:08:18,479
I've been munching moose grass
pretty hard.
234
00:08:18,499 --> 00:08:19,405
-Honey, no.
-What?
235
00:08:19,500 --> 00:08:21,891
That sounds...
Never mind. Go on.
236
00:08:21,985 --> 00:08:23,076
I'm a little plugged up
right now,
237
00:08:23,228 --> 00:08:25,411
but I know
my perfect posterior pellet
238
00:08:25,564 --> 00:08:27,822
is on its beautiful journey
towards birth.
239
00:08:27,841 --> 00:08:29,824
Babe, please,
remember the filter.
240
00:08:29,843 --> 00:08:30,917
Would Barack tell Michelle that?
241
00:08:30,994 --> 00:08:32,344
If the Obamas were lucky enough
242
00:08:32,495 --> 00:08:34,237
to be a part of the fest,
he would.
243
00:08:34,256 --> 00:08:36,681
Now, the moose poop
from my behind is, simply put,
244
00:08:36,833 --> 00:08:38,165
going to be superior.
245
00:08:38,260 --> 00:08:39,518
It'll be more fibrous, denser,
246
00:08:39,745 --> 00:08:42,169
meaning it won't be blown
side to side by the wind.
247
00:08:42,189 --> 00:08:44,247
Plus, with the new
instant shellac I ordered,
248
00:08:44,266 --> 00:08:46,766
the turnaround time
on a late-breaking butt bullet
249
00:08:46,918 --> 00:08:48,175
is almost nonexistent.
250
00:08:48,195 --> 00:08:49,586
Uh, which way is the ocean?
251
00:08:49,604 --> 00:08:50,678
I'm gonna walk into it.
252
00:08:50,697 --> 00:08:52,438
Guys, I just got to do this.
253
00:08:52,591 --> 00:08:53,439
For the family!
254
00:08:53,534 --> 00:08:55,367
E-Everyone else
has a great skill.
255
00:08:55,518 --> 00:08:57,277
Ham makes cakes,
Judy's an artist,
256
00:08:57,429 --> 00:08:59,612
Moon can track any animal.
But me?
257
00:08:59,706 --> 00:09:03,357
Well, my one real skill is going
absolutely nuts to the butts
258
00:09:03,377 --> 00:09:06,119
for the Turd Drop every year
and bringing home the prize.
259
00:09:06,271 --> 00:09:09,789
Hmm. Wolf, this is
a terrible, disgusting idea.
260
00:09:09,883 --> 00:09:11,608
But if everyone else
is cheating,
261
00:09:11,701 --> 00:09:12,884
well, we got to go for it.
262
00:09:13,036 --> 00:09:14,778
And Mayor Peppers,
he won't even have to know.
263
00:09:14,796 --> 00:09:17,705
Yes! This year,
my caboose will be our moose!
264
00:09:17,799 --> 00:09:19,282
Okay, the fest is tomorrow,
265
00:09:19,375 --> 00:09:21,393
so please excuse me
to go eat some more pondweed.
266
00:09:21,620 --> 00:09:23,136
It's turd o'clock, baby!
267
00:09:23,288 --> 00:09:24,545
BEEF:
Any luck in there, son?
268
00:09:24,565 --> 00:09:25,789
Nothing yet.
269
00:09:25,807 --> 00:09:27,290
I was really hungry yesterday,
270
00:09:27,383 --> 00:09:28,958
so I think I might've eaten
too many sticks.
271
00:09:28,977 --> 00:09:30,310
I can tell they're creating
272
00:09:30,462 --> 00:09:32,070
a sort of a beaver dam situation
in there.
273
00:09:32,297 --> 00:09:33,721
I'm gonna think
about that sentence
274
00:09:33,740 --> 00:09:34,906
for the rest of my life.
275
00:09:35,058 --> 00:09:36,316
Well, why don't we all go over
276
00:09:36,468 --> 00:09:38,468
and get some lettuce bowls
from Leticia's Lettuces
277
00:09:38,486 --> 00:09:40,579
-to help get things moving.
-Uh-oh.
278
00:09:40,730 --> 00:09:43,230
Hello there, good friends
we have made a truce with.
279
00:09:43,250 --> 00:09:45,642
-How pleasant to see you!
-(chuckles nervously)
280
00:09:45,660 --> 00:09:46,826
And you as well!
281
00:09:46,920 --> 00:09:47,977
MRS. TUNTLEY:
What's going on here?
282
00:09:48,071 --> 00:09:49,162
BEEF:
Absolutely nothing.
283
00:09:49,314 --> 00:09:50,922
Just greeting friends...
284
00:09:50,999 --> 00:09:52,498
(chuckles):
at a joyous festival.
285
00:09:52,593 --> 00:09:54,593
Where there will be
no cheating at all.
286
00:09:54,744 --> 00:09:56,669
-Oh, I agree.
-Yup! Yup.
287
00:09:56,763 --> 00:09:58,671
So, what's in the bags,
Tuntleys?
288
00:09:58,824 --> 00:10:00,432
There's nothing controversial
in our satchels,
289
00:10:00,659 --> 00:10:02,826
and I for one resent
the implication.
290
00:10:02,919 --> 00:10:04,661
How'd you get hurt there,
Mr. Tuntley?
291
00:10:04,679 --> 00:10:06,012
He's not hurt. He's just tired.
292
00:10:06,106 --> 00:10:07,772
Especially in the... arm.
293
00:10:07,924 --> 00:10:09,182
It has nothing to do
with the drop,
294
00:10:09,334 --> 00:10:10,591
if that's what you're implying.
295
00:10:10,611 --> 00:10:13,503
(overlapping arguing)
296
00:10:13,505 --> 00:10:14,520
PEPPERS:
Stop!
297
00:10:14,673 --> 00:10:16,189
This better not be
what it looks like.
298
00:10:16,283 --> 00:10:18,358
'Cause what it looks like
is the three families
299
00:10:18,510 --> 00:10:20,118
that always cheat at the drop
300
00:10:20,269 --> 00:10:23,513
having some kind of fight
that will result in violence
301
00:10:23,531 --> 00:10:24,772
and ruin my day off.
302
00:10:24,791 --> 00:10:26,516
Oh, Mayor Peppers.
303
00:10:26,534 --> 00:10:28,034
May-or Pep-pers.
304
00:10:28,111 --> 00:10:30,703
(chuckles):
No, no, no, no. Not at all.
305
00:10:30,797 --> 00:10:32,689
We were just, um...
306
00:10:32,782 --> 00:10:34,207
hugging. With our words.
307
00:10:34,359 --> 00:10:37,710
Good! Because the message this
year is unity and togetherness.
308
00:10:37,863 --> 00:10:41,381
Now, I'm gonna take my ass over
and jump in the jump house.
309
00:10:41,475 --> 00:10:42,307
Keep it together.
310
00:10:42,458 --> 00:10:44,142
All right. Time to grab a plate
311
00:10:44,293 --> 00:10:46,144
and hit this best bro buffet.
312
00:10:46,295 --> 00:10:47,479
Bon voyage, fair Ham.
313
00:10:47,630 --> 00:10:49,797
Bring me good news
from the friend front.
314
00:10:49,891 --> 00:10:51,483
Aye, aye, Captain Boyfriend.
315
00:10:51,710 --> 00:10:52,817
-Oh, and Ham?
-Yes?
316
00:10:53,044 --> 00:10:54,486
No meeting
any new older lady friends,
317
00:10:54,637 --> 00:10:57,638
no matter how shimmery
their natural gray streaks look
318
00:10:57,658 --> 00:10:58,639
in a low braid.
319
00:10:58,659 --> 00:10:59,640
Crispin, I promise.
320
00:10:59,734 --> 00:11:01,901
-Oh, wow.
-Ham!
321
00:11:02,053 --> 00:11:04,404
Yep! Sorry!
Boy, that braid shimmered.
322
00:11:04,556 --> 00:11:06,331
I'll start assembling
the turbine.
323
00:11:06,558 --> 00:11:09,334
Henry, you dig up the generator
from where we pre-buried it.
324
00:11:09,561 --> 00:11:10,560
Copy that, Mom.
325
00:11:10,729 --> 00:11:11,819
Appreciate the hustle.
326
00:11:11,838 --> 00:11:14,230
Turd Day is my time to shine,
327
00:11:14,323 --> 00:11:15,823
so put your back into it.
328
00:11:15,842 --> 00:11:17,676
Okay. Lookin' for boys,
329
00:11:17,827 --> 00:11:19,010
possible friends.
330
00:11:19,237 --> 00:11:20,737
Ooh! Tie-dye a turd?
331
00:11:20,830 --> 00:11:21,680
That sounds fun.
332
00:11:21,831 --> 00:11:23,589
No, Ham. Focus.
333
00:11:23,742 --> 00:11:25,074
(weakly):
Hi.
334
00:11:25,168 --> 00:11:27,410
Good, good.
Yeah, just get warmed up.
335
00:11:27,429 --> 00:11:28,761
-(loudly): Hello!
-Aah! Geez.
336
00:11:28,914 --> 00:11:30,355
-(groans)
-Sorry. Sorry.
337
00:11:30,506 --> 00:11:32,673
Okay, too loud. No problem.
Just dialing it in.
338
00:11:32,693 --> 00:11:34,693
Ooh! Barbara's bacon truck.
339
00:11:34,844 --> 00:11:36,936
Maybe I'll just take
a little breather with her.
340
00:11:37,088 --> 00:11:38,345
(British accent):
Hello, Ham!
341
00:11:38,423 --> 00:11:39,605
Hello, Barbara!
342
00:11:39,700 --> 00:11:42,183
Top of the bacon to ya,
my fine fire-headed friend.
343
00:11:42,202 --> 00:11:43,443
What can I do ya for?
344
00:11:43,611 --> 00:11:45,370
Well, I'm actually over here
looking for teen boys.
345
00:11:45,597 --> 00:11:47,706
Not in a sexy way--
in a make-a-friend way.
346
00:11:47,933 --> 00:11:50,116
Do you think teen boys
would like this icebreaker--
347
00:11:50,210 --> 00:11:52,711
what's your preferred
Internet service provider?
348
00:11:52,862 --> 00:11:53,786
(chuckles):
Oh-ho-ho, Ham.
349
00:11:53,880 --> 00:11:56,272
Go get yourself a BFT, dear--
350
00:11:56,365 --> 00:11:58,383
a bacon, friend and tomato.
351
00:11:58,610 --> 00:12:01,294
Well, it's pretty clear all
three of the Big Rear families
352
00:12:01,446 --> 00:12:02,870
have some kind
of cheating planned.
353
00:12:02,964 --> 00:12:05,706
If that was a gigantic turd
in the Tuntleys' backpack,
354
00:12:05,726 --> 00:12:07,392
by God, I respect them.
355
00:12:07,619 --> 00:12:10,119
All right. I think all this kale
has finally loosened my tail.
356
00:12:10,138 --> 00:12:12,455
You know what? I think
I'm gonna head out to the woods
357
00:12:12,474 --> 00:12:15,066
like a real moose
to do a glorious number two
358
00:12:15,293 --> 00:12:16,568
under the clear blue sky.
359
00:12:16,795 --> 00:12:17,902
Beautiful, son.
360
00:12:18,129 --> 00:12:19,963
Come on, butt.
What would a moose poop?
361
00:12:20,056 --> 00:12:23,316
Damn, this wig is hot. I'm
sweating right through my boobs!
362
00:12:23,410 --> 00:12:26,636
(gasps) Barbara Baconbottoms
is actually Mayor Ted Folly,
363
00:12:26,729 --> 00:12:28,079
our mayor's nemesis?
364
00:12:28,231 --> 00:12:29,748
Hello? Is someone there?
365
00:12:29,975 --> 00:12:31,140
I'm hearing things.
366
00:12:31,159 --> 00:12:32,751
All right,
time for a little test run
367
00:12:32,902 --> 00:12:35,478
of my remote-controlled
turd drone.
368
00:12:35,647 --> 00:12:36,829
Diarrhea Day-Lewis.
369
00:12:36,982 --> 00:12:39,758
Mayor Ted's trying to pull
some crap with the poop.
370
00:12:42,578 --> 00:12:44,912
All right,
I know we are enemies today,
371
00:12:44,931 --> 00:12:46,580
so thank you
for agreeing to meet with us.
372
00:12:46,674 --> 00:12:48,415
Are you just gonna accuse us
of cheating again?
373
00:12:48,584 --> 00:12:51,511
Oh, no. I know you were
all still planning to cheat,
374
00:12:51,663 --> 00:12:52,678
and, frankly, so were we.
375
00:12:52,831 --> 00:12:53,679
-This is what we do.
-(assenting)
376
00:12:53,832 --> 00:12:55,089
This is the way.
377
00:12:55,183 --> 00:12:56,849
But I didn't call this meeting
to talk about that.
378
00:12:57,002 --> 00:12:58,592
It's something much worse--
379
00:12:58,612 --> 00:13:01,780
a non-Lone Moose resident is
trying to enter the Turd Drop.
380
00:13:01,931 --> 00:13:03,597
-(gasping)
-Who is it?
381
00:13:03,617 --> 00:13:05,099
Barbara Baconbottoms.
382
00:13:05,118 --> 00:13:07,619
But Barbara moved here
fair and square two months ago.
383
00:13:07,770 --> 00:13:09,603
(laughs)
I agree, Mrs. Tuntley,
384
00:13:09,697 --> 00:13:12,698
that someone calling themselves
Barbara Baconbottoms
385
00:13:12,793 --> 00:13:14,275
did, in fact, move here.
386
00:13:14,294 --> 00:13:17,962
But Babs Bacons is not actually
a lovely British lady.
387
00:13:18,072 --> 00:13:21,024
She's the mayor
of our rival town, Ted's Folly.
388
00:13:21,042 --> 00:13:22,692
-(gasping)
-And Ted knows,
389
00:13:22,710 --> 00:13:24,527
he knows,
that Mayor Peppers' day--
390
00:13:24,546 --> 00:13:27,530
nay, his decade--
would be ruined
391
00:13:27,549 --> 00:13:31,125
if his archnemesis Mayor Ted
won the big town prize.
392
00:13:31,294 --> 00:13:33,703
And it gets worse--
Barbara/Ted has a drone
393
00:13:33,796 --> 00:13:35,371
that looks exactly like a poop.
394
00:13:35,390 --> 00:13:36,648
Damn it, Dad!
Why didn't you think of that?
395
00:13:36,799 --> 00:13:39,466
-Yeah, Uncle Walt.
-I'm sincerely sorry, guys.
396
00:13:39,486 --> 00:13:40,634
But what do we do now?
397
00:13:40,728 --> 00:13:42,636
Uh, go right to Mayor Peppers
and tell him
398
00:13:42,730 --> 00:13:44,547
and then do the Turd Drop
without cheating
399
00:13:44,566 --> 00:13:45,639
like you promised.
400
00:13:45,808 --> 00:13:47,383
Well, that's dumb.
Any other ideas?
401
00:13:47,476 --> 00:13:49,977
Yes. Since we were all gonna
cheat at the Turd Drop anyway,
402
00:13:49,996 --> 00:13:52,479
how 'bout we keep
our cool cheating plans
403
00:13:52,499 --> 00:13:54,499
but do them together,
for Peppers?
404
00:13:54,650 --> 00:13:56,650
-For Peppers.
-OTHERS: For Peppers.
-Yeah.
405
00:13:56,670 --> 00:13:58,670
Okay. I guess you guys
are doing this instead?
406
00:13:58,821 --> 00:14:01,747
-Hands in.
-Fire up the griddle
of righteousness.
407
00:14:01,900 --> 00:14:04,175
It's time to fry some bacon.
408
00:14:04,344 --> 00:14:05,343
Hi. Hello.
409
00:14:05,570 --> 00:14:06,511
Uh, hi?
410
00:14:06,662 --> 00:14:07,737
So, what's, uh,
411
00:14:07,830 --> 00:14:10,014
your preferred
Internet service provider?
412
00:14:10,166 --> 00:14:12,016
I... don't have one.
413
00:14:12,243 --> 00:14:14,760
Yeah. Me neither.
414
00:14:14,929 --> 00:14:16,245
(sighs)
415
00:14:16,339 --> 00:14:18,189
REGINA:
You see anything you like?
416
00:14:18,341 --> 00:14:19,582
♪ ♪
417
00:14:19,675 --> 00:14:20,600
Uh, yeah.
418
00:14:20,694 --> 00:14:21,767
You.
419
00:14:21,862 --> 00:14:24,345
...and that's what a mammogram
feels like.
420
00:14:24,364 --> 00:14:25,029
Fascinating.
421
00:14:25,256 --> 00:14:26,513
-Hello, Ham.
-(gasps)
422
00:14:26,608 --> 00:14:28,774
You simply must introduce me
to your new friend.
423
00:14:28,927 --> 00:14:32,019
Oh! Yeah, well, this is Regina,
424
00:14:32,097 --> 00:14:34,780
and she's a... 16-year-old boy.
425
00:14:34,933 --> 00:14:36,040
-Oh, really?
-Uh-huh.
426
00:14:36,267 --> 00:14:37,876
And where do you go to school,
Regina?
427
00:14:38,027 --> 00:14:39,377
Don't talk to him.
He's my friend.
428
00:14:39,528 --> 00:14:41,604
Um, what's happening here
exactly?
429
00:14:41,697 --> 00:14:42,714
Is this sexting?
430
00:14:42,941 --> 00:14:45,291
Regina,
this is my boyfriend Crispin.
431
00:14:45,460 --> 00:14:47,552
I was supposed to be trying
to befriend guys my own age,
432
00:14:47,629 --> 00:14:48,869
but I was mesmerized by you,
433
00:14:48,889 --> 00:14:50,613
and now, well, here we are.
434
00:14:50,632 --> 00:14:51,872
Ham, Ham, Ham, Ham,
435
00:14:51,892 --> 00:14:53,449
get me one
of those organic sodas
436
00:14:53,468 --> 00:14:54,893
and let's figure this out
together.
437
00:14:55,120 --> 00:14:56,786
Oh! You want a Dandelion Diva
438
00:14:56,879 --> 00:14:58,212
or a Joint-Health Jackfruit?
439
00:14:58,231 --> 00:14:59,972
Oh, Joint-Health, please.
440
00:15:00,066 --> 00:15:01,974
And then, at the last second,
we were gonna use
441
00:15:02,068 --> 00:15:04,235
this generator you see here
to turn on
442
00:15:04,387 --> 00:15:05,737
this powerful wind turbine,
443
00:15:05,964 --> 00:15:07,739
blow all the turds
to hell and gone.
444
00:15:07,890 --> 00:15:09,632
And while everyone
was distracted,
445
00:15:09,725 --> 00:15:10,909
Jim was gonna find our turd
446
00:15:11,060 --> 00:15:12,410
and put it right in the middle
of the target.
447
00:15:12,561 --> 00:15:14,303
How was Jim gonna find
your poop?
448
00:15:14,397 --> 00:15:17,749
Oh, he's got a photographic
memory for the shapes of turds.
449
00:15:17,900 --> 00:15:20,084
I do. It's a blessing
and a curse.
450
00:15:20,311 --> 00:15:21,811
A masterful plan, Dorothy.
451
00:15:21,904 --> 00:15:24,238
Thank you. There's a reason
I was valedictorian
452
00:15:24,332 --> 00:15:25,757
of my veterinary college.
453
00:15:25,984 --> 00:15:27,650
But there is one tiny problem--
454
00:15:27,743 --> 00:15:30,670
the turbine on/off switch is...
on the fritz.
455
00:15:30,838 --> 00:15:33,156
When we were practicing,
my wife, uh... (chuckles)
456
00:15:33,249 --> 00:15:35,600
couldn't turn it off,
so it blew me into a tree
457
00:15:35,827 --> 00:15:37,176
and I broke my collarbone.
458
00:15:37,328 --> 00:15:38,752
OTHERS:
Congratulations.
459
00:15:38,846 --> 00:15:40,087
Thank you.
(chuckles)
460
00:15:40,181 --> 00:15:42,498
It also blew all
of my clothes completely off.
461
00:15:42,517 --> 00:15:44,500
You don't know pride until
you've seen your naked father
462
00:15:44,669 --> 00:15:48,112
crumpled in the snow in service
of a dangerous Turd Drop stunt.
463
00:15:48,264 --> 00:15:50,281
All right, based
on the intelligence from Wolf,
464
00:15:50,433 --> 00:15:53,009
we can assume that Ted plans
to beat the system
465
00:15:53,011 --> 00:15:56,103
by activating his drone
just as the turds drop.
466
00:15:56,197 --> 00:15:58,939
Gravity causes all objects
to fall at the same rate.
467
00:15:59,033 --> 00:16:01,367
But Ted's turd
won't be falling--
468
00:16:01,461 --> 00:16:02,702
it'll be flying.
469
00:16:02,854 --> 00:16:04,203
To defeat
Ted's mechanized weaponry,
470
00:16:04,355 --> 00:16:06,113
we'll need the wind machine.
The kids and I
471
00:16:06,207 --> 00:16:08,024
will help camouflage it
and stand by to help.
472
00:16:08,117 --> 00:16:10,451
Meanwhile, Walt will wait
till the last minute
473
00:16:10,470 --> 00:16:12,528
to get painted
so he does not literally die.
474
00:16:12,621 --> 00:16:14,363
Once Walt
looks like the Tin Man,
475
00:16:14,365 --> 00:16:17,141
he'll run to the target,
attracting the drone
476
00:16:17,293 --> 00:16:18,217
to his magnetized body.
477
00:16:18,369 --> 00:16:20,144
This will infuriate Mayor Ted
478
00:16:20,221 --> 00:16:22,705
and lead him
to physically attack Walt.
479
00:16:22,724 --> 00:16:24,890
Then the Tuntleys
will switch on the wind turbine
480
00:16:24,967 --> 00:16:27,801
and it will blow off Barbara's
wig, revealing her to be
481
00:16:27,821 --> 00:16:29,803
none other than Ted Folly.
482
00:16:29,823 --> 00:16:31,230
His plan will be foiled,
483
00:16:31,382 --> 00:16:32,973
and Peppers will salute us all
484
00:16:33,067 --> 00:16:34,383
-as heroes.
-(Honeybee sniffles)
485
00:16:34,402 --> 00:16:35,809
Why am I crying?
486
00:16:35,829 --> 00:16:37,644
I thought this whole thing
was so stupid, but...
487
00:16:37,664 --> 00:16:40,056
I think I get it now
and I want to enter next year
488
00:16:40,074 --> 00:16:42,074
and I want to win
and I want to cheat.
489
00:16:42,168 --> 00:16:44,151
And, again, why am I crying?
490
00:16:44,170 --> 00:16:45,745
-(sniffles)
-'Cause you're a Lone Mooser
now.
491
00:16:45,897 --> 00:16:47,488
The thought
of destroying Ted Folly
492
00:16:47,507 --> 00:16:48,731
-touches your heart.
-(sniffles)
493
00:16:48,824 --> 00:16:49,841
But, wait,
who will win the drop?
494
00:16:50,068 --> 00:16:51,676
That's the best part--
we all will.
495
00:16:51,903 --> 00:16:54,420
We're gonna give Peppers
his unity after all.
496
00:16:54,514 --> 00:16:56,906
Seriously, I can't stop!
I'm so moved!
497
00:16:56,999 --> 00:16:59,575
-(sniffles)
-But since the turds
are already in the chopper,
498
00:16:59,744 --> 00:17:02,002
we will need a new one
for all of us to sign.
499
00:17:02,096 --> 00:17:04,338
Son, your butt
has been called into battle.
500
00:17:04,432 --> 00:17:07,191
-It's time to drop
the moose deuce.
-Yes!
501
00:17:10,530 --> 00:17:13,105
The Turd Fest
is actually going smoothly
502
00:17:13,258 --> 00:17:14,681
for the first time in years.
503
00:17:14,776 --> 00:17:16,759
This is your moment, Peppers.
504
00:17:16,778 --> 00:17:17,610
This is your day.
505
00:17:17,762 --> 00:17:19,762
Ah. Thanks for coming along
506
00:17:19,781 --> 00:17:21,039
to support me, you guys.
507
00:17:21,266 --> 00:17:23,115
I really do want to find
a new teen friend.
508
00:17:23,268 --> 00:17:24,267
Well, what about him?
509
00:17:24,285 --> 00:17:26,026
HAM:
He's-- huh, yeah--
510
00:17:26,120 --> 00:17:28,271
-eating his own hair.
-Maybe him?
511
00:17:28,364 --> 00:17:29,622
CRISPIN:
Yeah, he's...
512
00:17:29,698 --> 00:17:31,107
really into his bike.
513
00:17:31,125 --> 00:17:33,626
-Him?
-HAM: Yeah.
I think he has a certain
514
00:17:33,720 --> 00:17:36,220
-friend something.
-Why don't you go say hi?
515
00:17:36,372 --> 00:17:37,446
Uh, yeah.
516
00:17:37,465 --> 00:17:39,282
You know you aren't walking,
right?
517
00:17:39,284 --> 00:17:43,210
Ham, I have a pillow that says
"Caesar Salad the Day."
518
00:17:43,229 --> 00:17:45,897
I don't know what it means.
I was drunk when I bought it.
519
00:17:46,124 --> 00:17:48,624
But I think the point is,
life is short.
520
00:17:48,643 --> 00:17:51,477
Go out there and Caesar salad
yourself a new friend.
521
00:17:51,571 --> 00:17:53,979
Okay. Um, will you guys
walk over with me?
522
00:17:54,132 --> 00:17:54,888
Sure, babe.
523
00:17:54,908 --> 00:17:56,299
♪ Drain pipes ♪
524
00:17:56,392 --> 00:17:57,742
♪ Where do they go? ♪
525
00:17:57,893 --> 00:17:58,968
♪ Drain pipes ♪
526
00:17:59,061 --> 00:18:00,894
♪ Does anybody know? ♪
527
00:18:01,063 --> 00:18:04,231
-Whatcha playin'?
-Oh. Just a song I wrote
about drain pipes.
528
00:18:04,325 --> 00:18:06,567
Oh. Well, uh, I'm Ham
529
00:18:06,586 --> 00:18:09,312
and this is my boyfriend Crispin
and my friend Regina.
530
00:18:09,330 --> 00:18:10,904
She is an older lady and,
531
00:18:11,073 --> 00:18:13,574
you know what,
maybe that does make me a freak,
532
00:18:13,668 --> 00:18:15,742
but do you want to hang out
with all of us?
533
00:18:15,762 --> 00:18:17,153
Uh, yeah, you guys seem great.
534
00:18:17,246 --> 00:18:19,155
Especially you.
I enjoy your comforting
535
00:18:19,248 --> 00:18:21,157
but glamorous
Julianne Moore energy.
536
00:18:21,175 --> 00:18:23,768
Thank you.
Now, what do you guys say--
537
00:18:23,919 --> 00:18:25,103
should we all head back
to my booth
538
00:18:25,254 --> 00:18:27,438
and I can tell you
about my friend Nancy's divorce?
539
00:18:27,665 --> 00:18:29,014
'Cause it's a wild one.
540
00:18:29,109 --> 00:18:31,350
Yes, please.
Did it involve a juicy affair?
541
00:18:31,502 --> 00:18:32,926
-You know it did.
-Ooh.
542
00:18:32,946 --> 00:18:36,172
And I'd love it if there was
a dispute over a beach house.
543
00:18:36,190 --> 00:18:37,782
Ham, there was!
544
00:18:37,933 --> 00:18:40,343
All right. It's turd time.
545
00:18:40,361 --> 00:18:42,011
I might never meet
my grandchildren,
546
00:18:42,029 --> 00:18:43,454
-but it'll be worth it.
-Mom,
547
00:18:43,606 --> 00:18:45,364
you already have grandchildren.
I'm an uncle.
548
00:18:45,458 --> 00:18:47,608
Let your mother
have her moment, son.
549
00:18:47,627 --> 00:18:49,034
And if we lose Dad
550
00:18:49,187 --> 00:18:51,778
as he uses his body
to attract a turd drone today,
551
00:18:51,873 --> 00:18:55,374
let us trust that this is part
of life's great mystery.
552
00:18:55,526 --> 00:18:57,860
Friends and neighbors, thank you
553
00:18:58,029 --> 00:18:59,637
for a wonderful, peaceful day
554
00:18:59,806 --> 00:19:01,697
where I didn't have to call in
a SWAT team,
555
00:19:01,866 --> 00:19:03,141
reset a broken femur
556
00:19:03,292 --> 00:19:05,309
or figure out
how to anticipate a lawsuit.
557
00:19:05,461 --> 00:19:07,979
And now the dropping
of the gifts!
558
00:19:08,055 --> 00:19:09,872
KIMA:
It's almost time, Dad!
559
00:19:09,891 --> 00:19:12,466
-Get ready!
-Go, Walter! Go, go, go!
560
00:19:12,485 --> 00:19:15,044
Here come the turds!
561
00:19:15,062 --> 00:19:16,879
(panting, grunts)
562
00:19:16,881 --> 00:19:20,158
Oh! Oh! Don't you dare!
563
00:19:20,385 --> 00:19:22,493
Fire up the generator!
564
00:19:23,646 --> 00:19:25,163
-Oh, what's happening?!
-(gasps) My wig!
565
00:19:25,390 --> 00:19:27,498
-It's Mayor Ted!
-(clamoring)
566
00:19:27,650 --> 00:19:30,168
No, no, no!
Turn off the wind, Tuntley!
567
00:19:30,395 --> 00:19:32,895
Uh-oh! The button's not working
568
00:19:32,914 --> 00:19:34,154
-again, guys!
-(shouting)
569
00:19:34,174 --> 00:19:36,749
-(whimpering, shouting)
-Hit it again!
570
00:19:36,901 --> 00:19:39,594
Stay with me, brave underwear!
571
00:19:41,088 --> 00:19:43,072
-Well, there we go.
-KIMA: Dad!
572
00:19:43,090 --> 00:19:45,741
The poisonous paint!
Get up! Get up!
573
00:19:45,834 --> 00:19:47,518
Run to the river!
574
00:19:47,745 --> 00:19:48,835
Don't worry, everyone!
575
00:19:48,930 --> 00:19:50,262
I pooped the winning poop.
576
00:19:50,431 --> 00:19:52,506
Mayor Ted didn't win here today.
577
00:19:52,600 --> 00:19:55,084
Lone Moose did.
578
00:19:55,920 --> 00:19:57,269
Huh. Oh, uh...
(chuckles nervously)
579
00:19:57,422 --> 00:19:58,863
Uh, hello, Mayor Peppers.
580
00:19:59,090 --> 00:20:01,090
-Great Turd Drop, huh?
-(groans)
581
00:20:01,183 --> 00:20:03,442
Uh, one for the books...
582
00:20:03,594 --> 00:20:05,536
At the town meeting,
I asked everyone
583
00:20:05,763 --> 00:20:07,872
to keep things under control
at the festival.
584
00:20:08,099 --> 00:20:09,540
And that didn't exactly happen.
585
00:20:09,767 --> 00:20:12,359
But, today, the three families
that normally cheat
586
00:20:12,420 --> 00:20:14,603
to beat each other
cheated to help me.
587
00:20:14,622 --> 00:20:17,940
In their own special way,
they're my moose poops.
588
00:20:17,959 --> 00:20:19,700
-Hell yeah, we are!
-(sniffles)
589
00:20:19,794 --> 00:20:21,034
I'm crying again.
590
00:20:21,054 --> 00:20:22,445
PEPPERS:
And perhaps it was foolish of me
591
00:20:22,463 --> 00:20:24,613
to ask you
to not injure yourselves
592
00:20:24,632 --> 00:20:26,206
being stupidly competitive.
593
00:20:26,300 --> 00:20:28,542
After all, we're Alaskans.
594
00:20:28,561 --> 00:20:29,543
We get burnt.
595
00:20:29,562 --> 00:20:30,544
We fall in holes.
596
00:20:30,713 --> 00:20:31,971
We die too young.
597
00:20:32,123 --> 00:20:33,155
And we can't change.
598
00:20:33,215 --> 00:20:34,290
And we won't change.
599
00:20:34,383 --> 00:20:35,716
We outright refuse.
600
00:20:35,735 --> 00:20:38,644
Because life's too short
not to die once in a while.
601
00:20:38,796 --> 00:20:41,797
Now, who will take
this mani-pedi gift certificate?
602
00:20:41,816 --> 00:20:42,907
We're gonna share it.
603
00:20:43,134 --> 00:20:44,967
We're each gonna get
one nail done.
604
00:20:45,060 --> 00:20:46,059
That's beautiful!
605
00:20:46,228 --> 00:20:47,803
Now, if you'll excuse me,
606
00:20:47,896 --> 00:20:49,747
I'm going back
in the bounce house.
607
00:20:49,898 --> 00:20:52,808
♪ Older lady friend ♪
608
00:20:52,827 --> 00:20:55,736
♪ She's just what I want ♪
609
00:20:55,830 --> 00:21:00,149
♪ She knows what to order
in every single restaurant ♪
610
00:21:00,167 --> 00:21:01,700
♪ Yeah! ♪
611
00:21:01,761 --> 00:21:04,987
♪ She recently stopped shaving
her pits ♪
612
00:21:05,080 --> 00:21:08,266
♪ Her ideal boyfriend
is Jimmy Smits ♪
613
00:21:08,434 --> 00:21:10,768
♪ Oh, there's just something
about her ♪
614
00:21:10,995 --> 00:21:14,680
♪ Something
that tells me I would die ♪
615
00:21:14,832 --> 00:21:17,333
♪ Oh, without her! ♪
616
00:21:17,351 --> 00:21:19,518
♪ Older lady friend! ♪
617
00:21:19,595 --> 00:21:21,762
Captioning sponsored by
BENTO BOX ENTERTAINMENT
618
00:21:21,839 --> 00:21:24,115
and TOYOTA.