Hello, Lone Moose Lovers. It's us, your prom committee.
-(exclaiming) -Okay, these earthquakes
are officially freaking me out.
MOON: You dug holes in the ground
and just dumped meat in them?
All of that gas will eventually...
Explode. The kids! The prom!
-What the hell is that?! -KIMA: Oh, no.
-This is bad. -WOLF: Bel Biv DeVoe!
So this is how we all go.
(growls, roars)
(engine starts)
BEEF: All right, so here's the situation.
The bunker full of rotting meat underneath the school blew up
during the prom and there's no way to un-blow it.
Ugh, and we can't get ahold of the kids
because they all put their phones
into some kind of dumb safe or something.
It's a "live in the moment" lockbox.
Gibbons has been bedazzling it for weeks.
We just need to get across this meat muck,
past those extremely dangerous pizzlies
-and get our kids out. -I've got my rifle in my car.
You want me to take care of 'em?
I killed a crazed bear at the zoo once.
I doubt he could have gotten out of the cage,
but I wasn't gonna take any chances.
No, Dorothy, I'm afraid we can't shoot the pizzlies
because they're endangered
and they're not actively killing anyone right now.
I've called Anchorage emergency services,
but unfortunately it's gonna take them a while to get here.
So we just got to stay calm until then.
I can't just stay calm, Mayor P.
My sweet sibs are in that school.
I think I can outrun those bears.
On the track team they called me Sprintin' Tarantino,
mostly because I would do Tarantino movie quotes
-the whole time I ran. -Wolf, those bears can run 35 miles per hour,
and I don't think they've seen any Tarantino films.
What? Not even Pulp Fiction?
Damn it. I can't just wait around.
I'm gonna see if I can cross in my truck.
I'm going, too.
And I'm going too, too.
Because... cool hero line.
Babe, did you want to say a cool hero line
but then you couldn't come up with one?
Yup. Because this really feels like an action movie now.
Which is good because they always have happy endings,
and that's the only thing keeping me from
freaking out about my damn fam.
Well then, encouraging line from your smart, hot wife.
Oh, God, we're stuck.
Those bears will tear through this truck like a tin can.
-We got to run. -Walt, the child locks are on!
Oh, right. My niece Barbara was in the car, and...
-Walt, unlock! -Right, right.
(grunts) Uh-oh.
(growling)
Wolf! No!
"They call it a Royale with Cheese!"
Aah!
(groans)
The good news is that pizzly is gonna be a snoozly
for about four hours.
The bad news is
that was my second to last tranquilizer dart.
Ooh, so pointy. (groans)
And that was the last one.
Oop. Well, I'll go tuck Cheesecake in in the van
and let him get a little rest.
And I'll call the Lone Moose Senior Archery Club
so they can set up a perimeter.
They are terrible at archery, but it's better than nothing.
And maybe a couple of them will let themselves
get eaten if need be.
They've lived full lives.
Okay, so we tried
to figure out how to get out or get help,
but we cannot find the teachers anywhere.
Wait, there is one adult here.
Excuse me, Mr. DJ Airhorn, can you help us?
I'm actually 15 and a half. I'm an emancipated minor.
-(hip-hop air horn blares) -S-Sorry, sorry.
I-I air horn when I'm anxious.
You guys on the other side of this
weird, disgusting slime river
have to leave the school and go find help.
We'd love to, yes, but we checked all the exits
and a bunch of aggressive bears
-are surrounding the school. -(rumbling)
-(all exclaiming) -GILL: It's getting deeper!
-Oh, my God, it's growing. -Everyone, calm down.
Listen to me, your duly elected prom president.
Is it true that Crispin and I only wanted to become
president and vice president of prom
so we could feel drunk on power
and commandeer the best snacks?
A hundred percent.
But now, we are facing a true disaster,
and we are going to get you out of here.
Yes. Then we'll go have the perfect prom somewhere else.
Like that Curves gym that just went out of business.
Eh, all right, Ham, Crispin, what do we do?
Uh, how about grabbing those hay bales
and making a bridge across whatever this gunk is?
Solid plan, Ham-mander in chief,
and may I say, four more years.
(all groan)
Oh, God, we definitely can't get across.
Excuse me, Mr. President,
should I climb the rope to the skylight,
open it, and climb out on the roof?
Uh, can you really climb the ro... Ooh.
-Whoa! Look at him go. -(grunting)
I know he's trying to save all of our classmates,
but I hate watching him do it.
Aw, crab apples, it's locked.
(all exclaim)
Hey. I lived in the school for a week because my mom asked
if I wanted to quote, unquote "go on a nice walk" with her.
And I found a secret way to the roof
through the theater using the catwalks.
All right, those of us on this side will go with Bethany,
get on to the roof, open the skylight, and save you.
And you guys on the other side just, uh,
you know, hang out, relax, mingle.
Everyone who's coming with us,
grab a hockey stick for protection.
It could save your life.
And it could be helpful if the bears challenge us
to a hockey game.
Oh, let me grab my tuba
in case we want some walking music.
(Gibbons grunting)
It won't budge.
The earthquake must have knocked it out of alignment.
I told you all we shouldn't put our phones
in the "live in the moment" lockbox.
Adults shouldn't live in the moments.
-Moments are bad. -Hey.
Except for every moment with you, my darling,
which is obviously a dream.
Well, luckily I have something I think might cheer us up.
Now, I'm new to hip-hop dancing, so bear with me, but here goes.
(grunting)
Why on Earth is the ground still rumbling?
The bunker already blew.
Oh, that rumbling must be coming from the second bunker.
Bunker two. (chuckles) She's a biggie.
-(all gasp) -I'm sorry, what?
Oh, "biggie." It's a cute way
of saying something is big.
No, the part about the second bunker.
Yes, uh, there's a second bunker and it's, um, much bigger.
Uh, sorry, I thought you already knew about it.
It's right there in the blueprints.
-Let me see those. -I love the way you did that.
Just like The Rock in that movie Blueprints.
Oh, he humiliated that dumb-ass city.
See? Here it is.
It's twice as big as the other bunker.
All right, listen up, me and Wolf are now the people
in the disaster movie who stand near the blueprints.
Oh, do you know how to read those?
No, but in movies like this it's always the person
with the least experience who finds the solution.
Exactly. And we'll keep flipping through them
'cause at some point, we might notice something
on these babies that will be the key to saving us all.
There's got to be a way to diffuse the pressure
on this bologna bomb before it blows.
Nothing relieves my pressure
like a nice lavender-scented bath.
-Is that something? -It's not,
but I think I know what we need to do.
PEPPERS: Thank you both for volunteering to climb down
into the bunker and relieve the pressure.
Our town won't soon forget your sacrifice.
Uh, we're planning to live.
Oh, yes, sorry.
Thank you for your possible sacrifice.
That's a little better.
So, this is how you would slide the meat waste into the bunker?
Yes, it was pretty enjoyable to watch.
People would gather around.
We had a couple of Meat Chute meet cutes.
Also, a few deaths when people tumbled in.
We covered those up, too. We were not a good company.
All right. Beef and I will crawl down there
and carefully drill into the bunker wall
to create a relief valve
to prevent the bunker from exploding.
I've got my drill, my backup drill
and my spare drill.
Hmm. Maybe I should get my van drill out of the van.
I think we're good.
And while you're down there, I'll go to the junkyard
and get my ultimate Mad Max style rescue vehicle
out of her maxi pad.
That's what I call the shed I keep her in.
I also keep my maxi pads in there.
You just have a Mad Max style rescue vehicle sitting around?
Of course. I also have maxi pads.
-Did you hear that part? -All right, we're going in.
It's time to calm this grumpy gravy down.
You boys come back, you hear me? You come back.
-How's it going with Eli? -Yeah.
-Good. -Yeah. Me too, me too.
-With Laird. It's good. -(low growling)
Please tell me that was someone's stomach.
Or butt.
-(all exclaim) -(roars)
The scary bears are in the building now?
They know how to use doors?
I hope they learn how to use typewriters.
I'd love for them to be able to tell their own stories.
Get in, get in, get in!
-Go, go, go, go, go! -(exclaims)
(all gasp)
If he gets in here, I'll let him eat me
so you guys can run. (chuckles)
I'm a human version of a giant party hoagie.
Yeah, we'll cut you into sections and yell,
-(chuckles) "Help yourself." -(laughs)
All this Laird sandwich talk
reminds me of what's in the cafeteria.
-Oh. Chairs! -Very good, Ham. But also
-food. -Oh, I'm too terrified to eat right now.
-But help yourself. -Not for us, Ham.
-For the bears. -Right. I get it now.
But also, explain to me exactly what you mean.
I can't believe we have to climb down here
all because of that selfish meat company that left
a disgusting stain on the perfect dinner plate
that is Lone Moose.
Well, I don't know about perfect.
Lone Moose is like many towns-- some good, a lot of bad.
Mm-mmm. All good, zero bad. Agree to disagree.
-Ah, watch your head. It looks like the tunnel -Uh...
-narrows up here. -Uh, uh...
You okay there, pal?
Uh, I was, uh, uh, hoping that this wouldn't happen,
but sometimes I have a little crazy claustrophobia.
I'm, uh... (chuckles weakly)
kind of frozen right now.
-Okay, how-how can I help? -Uh, there is a song
that kind of helps if I sing it.
I'm here for you. Let's do it.
Okay.
♪ Think about it ♪
♪ There must be higher love ♪
♪ Down in a heart or hidden in the stars above ♪
BOTH: ♪ Without It ♪
♪ Life is wasted time ♪
♪ Look inside your heart ♪
♪ I'll look inside mine ♪
Better, let's keep going.
♪ Bring me a higher love ♪
I see it.
There's the wall to the bunker.
You keep singing, I'll start drilling.
♪ Worlds are turning. ♪
WOLF: Huh.
I don't think I'm leaning cool enough
when I stare at the blueprints
'cause I'm not seeing a solution.
Mm, I think we got to concentrate harder, hon.
Like, like we're almost angry at the blueprints.
Oh. What if we tried stroking our chins and going,
-"Hmm." -Great idea.
BOTH: Hmm...
-Whoa, how long did it take you to make this? -Decades.
Some people dream of their wedding day,
I've always dreamt of being asked to save
the town's children with a specialty vehicle.
I brought some gear to make some modifications
and get her across that muck.
You just give me some time and I'll give you those kids.
That was a very cool line, Kyle.
I'm trying hard not to be jealous.
We've run out of luck but we haven't run out of truck.
And another one.
(growling)
Sloppy Joes, go.
(grunts)
Took the bait! Go, go, go, go, go.
(exclaims)
-(grunts) -Wow, you're strong.
Yeah, I do a tuba workout called Brass 'n' Ass.
My doctor says I have way more abs than I'm supposed to.
-Your date's funny, Judy. -Yeah.
And yours is great. I mean, he's smart
and he's got a huge instrument
that he carries around all the time.
I love that.
Is it possible that we each chose the wrong...
Hold up, here's the door to the roof.
My emergency provisions--
a Minions voodoo doll, Mad Libs...
Oh, and a phone.
A phone! We're gonna get saved
and have our 16 Moments prom at Curves.
We won't get a signal in here
but it usually works on the roof.
And if there's enough moonlight up there,
I wouldn't mind a crack at those Mad Libs.
I spent my spring break up here, so I went for a beachy vibe.
Oh, wow, you've got refreshments? (gasps)
Are these Larry's Stiff Limeades?
Depends. You a cop?
Guys, you're saved. We saved you.
We're heroes. Start climbing.
BOTH: ♪ Worlds are turning ♪
♪ And we're just hanging on ♪
♪ Facing our fear ♪
♪ And standing out there alone. ♪
-We're through. -Brace for heavy stink!
Uh-oh, more than stink is coming out.
(both screaming)
-Dad! -Walt!
Oh, thank God, you're alive.
Beef 1, meat 0.
Well, Beef, if I had to be vomited out of a hole
in the ground with anyone, I'm glad it was you.
-Same. -Uh, guys, get over here.
You know how I said I might find something good
in the blueprints? Instead,
I found something really, really bad.
BEEF: Rutger Tobin?
-But that's... -There's another huge bunker.
It's not labeled, but it's under the school and it's about
ten times the size of bunker two.
-Oh, God. -Of course, bunker number three.
we called it the Devil's Derriere.
(all gasp)
How could I forget?
If it ever blew, ooh,
it would kill everyone in that school for sure.
Damn it. All right. Beef and I will go in again.
-Let's move. -Oh, there's no way in to
the Devil's Derriere.
We got pretty sloppy toward the end,
and just dumped meat in a huge hole,
sealed it up and walked away.
The good news is it's a lot deeper than the other two,
so there's still a chance it's fro...
-(loud rumbling) -(all exclaim)
Or that sound means it's gonna blow any minute now.
-We should get out of here. -What about the kids?
Oh, right. Of course. You guys... like them?
-Yes! -Kyle, we need that truck now.
Minutes away here, boss. Just getting the treads on.
-(phone rings) -Hello?
Ham, are you okay? Where are you?
The roof?
Oh, my God, the roof! The kids are safe-- look!
HAM: Dad? There's meat in the school, and mutants everywhere,
and all the teachers abandoned us! Also,
I'm sorry, how's your day going?
Wait, what do you mean the teachers abandoned you?
Oh, they aren't here. Aren't they out there?
They are not.
They must be trapped in the school somewhere.
Okay. Well, you guys will just save them after you save us.
Which brings me to the question, why haven't you saved us?!
Kyle's about to come rescue you,
but you need to find the teachers.
We'll only have one shot to get all of you.
And I'm sorry to tell you this, son,
but the whole school could blow at any moment.
-What?! -Yeah.
Don't tell any of the other kids.
We wouldn't want to cause a panic.
-(all gasp) -BEEF: Oh, dear.
-Am I on speakerphone? -No...?
-Hi, Dad. -Hi, Judy.
All right. John, you're sure
-the teachers are in the green room? -Positive.
Gibbons mentioned they were getting changed
for a skit, and I felt an embarrassment for them
that I shall simply never forget.
-I'll go get them. -I'll come with you.
Oh, good. Yes.
And I know we're all in incredible danger
and we do need to move quickly and all that, but maybe
just let me talk to Kima real quick over here. Kima?
As your best friend,
I feel like I need to tell you that I'm...
Uh, crushing on my prom date Eli?
Yes, but just say the word
and I'll never look at that Adam's apple again.
Judy, I'm not mad.
The fact is I'm actually crushing on Laird.
Oh, my God.
Are we having the perfect prom after all?
Oh, definitely not, we're all gonna die.
Right, right, okay, but date-wise, a switcheroo it is.
Off I go. (chuckles)
Judy, wait. I know we're in
a lot of danger right now, but I'm also
somehow having tons of fun with you tonight.
Like, I feel like I swallowed the moon
and it became my heart, if that makes sense?
Oh, it makes all the sense in the world, Eli.
I'm definitely feeling moment four:
a first kiss near a windmill.
But let's just wait until we're not also
-calf-deep in meat stink. -Yep. Yep.
GOLOVKIN: Hello? Who's there?
-Hello? -Are you guys okay in there?
GIBBONS: Yes, Judy, but the door is jammed.
-We keep pushing on it. -Okay. Okay,
let me see if I can pry it open from my si... Oh.
Wait, were you just trying to push the door outwards
this entire time when all we had to do was just pull it in?
Yes, but, uh... (chuckles weakly)
d-didn't you all enjoy my dancing?
That was an upside of our time together.
I'd love to stay here and talk about doors with my teachers,
but we have got to go or we're all gonna die.
Don't look so worried, Beef. Kyle will get the kids.
I know she will. It's... I'm... (sighs)
I saw something on the blueprints.
What was it?
It better not be a fourth bunker.
No, no, it's not that. It's just...
The blueprints listed the name
of the man who sold this land to Meat Chute.
It was my great grandfather, Rutger Tobin.
It was my family that set this all in motion.
Now my kids might die,
and I feel like it's all my fault.
Oh, Beef, it's not all your fault.
This is a lot bigger than you.
And I'm sure at the time the people who sold that land
didn't know the whole world was gonna heat up.
Listen, I'm positive your great grandpa sucked in his own way--
don't get me wrong--
but a lot of other people all over the world
also had to suck real bad to get us here.
And now Lone Moose is suffering, just like everywhere else.
Yeah. You were trying to say that earlier, huh?
And I ignored you.
Oh, don't worry about that.
My wife and daughter haven't listened to me for years.
I'm only really allowed to talk at dinner,
and even then, there's a 15-minute limit.
-(engine starts) -All right people, it's go time.
Those bears trucked with the wrong gal.
-(phone rings) -Go for President Tobin.
Copy that, Dad.
The adults are coming to save us.
(whooping cheering)
Finally, a car my size.
(giggles)
Whoa, we doing a switcheroo?
Yeah, me and Judy are both okay with it.
-Cool. Looks like we are, too. -Oh, no!
Aah! The bears are climbing onto the truck!
Guys, I don't think I can get any closer.
I'd be delivering the bears right to the kids.
-Why is she stopping? -I guess 'cause
she doesn't want us to get eaten by bears.
Oh, yeah. Is exploding
a little bit better than getting eaten?
Uh, maybe, a little. It's quicker. Less chewing.
Anybody, uh, want to hear a Mad Lib?
You know, it could cheer us up.
(clears throat) It was summer vacation
and my horny family was going on a nasty sandwich.
(chuckles weakly) That's pretty funny, huh, guys?
Okay, so prom getting ruined
is the end of the world after all.
Let me get a little hit of that
-Larry's Limeade, Bethany. -Five bucks.
I can't believe this is how my prom/life is ending.
Not only are we not getting moment five from the song,
we're skipping right to moment 16: our deaths.
Yup, where your children gather around your deathbed
and say good night.
-Only we don't have children. -We are children.
I mean, older children, but still.
Sorry we invited you guys here to die.
-Our bad. -It's okay.
Feels like you can get killed by a bunch of irresponsible adults
almost anywhere these days.
At least we're not dead yet.
Yeah. Yeah, we're not.
You know what, screw whoever's fault this is,
we should just have our prom anyway.
At least for a few minutes until we die.
Hey, Gill, you can climb that rope
while you're carrying stuff, right?
Of course I can, I can even climb it with just my feet.
Ew, gross. I mean, good.
I'm glad you can do that. Okay.
All right then, everyone.
Listen up! Prom is back on.
-(all whooping) -Gill, here's what we need from the gym.
We should really take away those cocktails.
It's very dangerous for teens to drink.
Yep. Drinking will, in fact, kill them.
And this building blowing up will also kill them.
A classic double whammy.
All right, everyone.
As chairs of the prom committee,
we welcome you to the Lone Moose Prom,
part two, the "We're all gonna die" edition.
Grab a drink, confess that secret,
kiss that crush-- consensually--
and enjoy your last moments on Earth.
DJ Airhorn, take it away.
♪ ♪
♪ There are 16 moments ♪
♪ That define who you are ♪
♪ They're like a real memory ♪
♪ That's bright as a star ♪
♪ Sixteen special moments ♪
♪ You feel in your gut ♪
♪ The moments that fill you ♪
♪ From your head to your butt... ♪
All right, lovers, this is the remix.
(distorted): DJ Airhorn.
-(hip-hop air horn blares) -(roars)
Guys, guys! The bears.
That first air horn sound sent two of them running.
We have to get very, very loud to save ourselves.
DJ Airhorn, do your air horn thing.
-Gladly. -(hip-hop air horn blaring)
Make as much noise as possible.
We got to make them hear us.
♪ Your life is a story ♪
♪ It has 16 parts ♪
♪ Like when you leave your psychiatry practice ♪
♪ For a new life in the arts ♪
♪ There are 16 moments... ♪
I don't know how,
but they're scaring the bears away.
-Is that an air horn? -Wait.
They got DJ Airhorn? We tried to get him
for our wedding and he told us he was booked through 2027.
The bears are off the truck, Kyle. Go, go!
All right, time to get this student group
in my big old scoop.
How does she do it?
I got to get her to give me some cool line lessons.
And that's why Chris Pine will never be my Captain Kirk.
Hmm, I'm so glad I survived this disaster
so I could hear that very long monologue about Star Trek.
You know, Ham, we got into politics
for exactly the wrong reasons,
but you were a pretty good president.
And we saved the school.
(all shouting)
(all exclaiming)
Okay, we might not have saved the school.
LOUIE: Here, here, and there's another one here.
But these meat bunkers were buried much later,
so they should be good for another few decades,
if we wanted to just deal with it later.
Uh, no offense, but are you freaking kidding me?
Look, I love Lone Moose
maybe more than a man should love a town.
But we've got to deal with all this rotten meat gunk
that's buried within it
or we'll be exploding our children right and left.
Or, just an idea, maybe we take this as a sign
that we don't need a school
and we all just move on with our lives.
Moon, we will begin rebuilding the school immediately.
Mayor Peppers, I hope you realize that
you will be losing my vote.
Welcome, everyone, to the "Much later
school is already out for the year" makeup prom.
Let's see that lipstick.
You know it's called "makeup prom"
because it makes up for the one that was ruined,
-not because of makeup, right? -Yes. Of course I do.
Thanks for flying down again.
And for texting me that tuba ballad about me.
I love that it's called "Judy Tub-in."
Of course. Thank you for mailing me
those handmade tuba charms.
I finally figured out
how to stop accidentally swallowing them when I play.
(imitating hip-hop air horn)
-DJ Airhorn! (imitates air horn) -(hip-hop air horn blares)
Oh, he's playing our song.
Yeah, I can't wait until we walk down the aisle
to that air horn sound.
(gasps) Moment 11.
And also, okay, slow down, bud.
♪ Sixteen moments ♪
♪ That you never forget. ♪
♪ Where he at, where he at, hey, where the yeti at? ♪
♪ Where he at, where he at, yo, where the yeti at? ♪
♪ Where he at, where he at, oh, where the yeti at? ♪
♪ Oh, yeti, where are you? ♪
♪ I'm gonna find you ♪
♪ Though you are hiding ♪
♪ He's big and ♪
♪ He's frightening ♪
♪ Where's he hiding? ♪
♪ I'm gonna find you ♪
♪ Where he at, where he at, oh, where the yeti at? ♪
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