1
00:00:02,628 --> 00:00:04,545
-♪ look up there ♪
-♪ what do you see? ♪
2
00:00:04,672 --> 00:00:05,879
♪ nature and stuff ♪
3
00:00:05,965 --> 00:00:07,172
-♪ like a rock ♪
-♪ and a tree ♪
4
00:00:07,299 --> 00:00:10,050
♪ oh, the great north ♪
5
00:00:10,177 --> 00:00:13,637
♪ way up here,
you can breathe the air ♪
6
00:00:13,764 --> 00:00:14,847
♪ catch some fish ♪
7
00:00:14,932 --> 00:00:16,515
♪ or gaze at a bear ♪
8
00:00:16,600 --> 00:00:17,641
♪ wow ♪
9
00:00:17,768 --> 00:00:21,145
♪ oh, the great north ♪
10
00:00:21,230 --> 00:00:22,396
♪ here we live, oh, oh ♪
11
00:00:22,481 --> 00:00:24,064
♪ here we'll stay, oh, whoo ♪
12
00:00:24,150 --> 00:00:25,649
♪ from longest night
to longest day ♪
13
00:00:25,776 --> 00:00:29,611
♪ in the great north. ♪
14
00:00:31,407 --> 00:00:33,449
[cheering]
15
00:00:34,660 --> 00:00:36,869
Now remember,
people are gonna see this banner
16
00:00:36,912 --> 00:00:39,663
Right when they walk in the door
for the lil' prommers prom prep
17
00:00:39,749 --> 00:00:42,583
For lil' preppers practice prom,
so it can't be crooked.
18
00:00:42,668 --> 00:00:45,252
-Okay, how does that look?
-Uh... Perfect.
19
00:00:45,379 --> 00:00:48,464
-Meow. Meow.
-Moon, you okay there?
20
00:00:48,591 --> 00:00:51,050
You only involuntarily meow
when you're extremely stressed.
21
00:00:51,177 --> 00:00:52,926
I'm not stressed.
22
00:00:53,054 --> 00:00:54,845
-Meow.
-Oh, I see.
23
00:00:54,930 --> 00:00:56,764
Is today the day
you ask quinn to the dance?
24
00:00:56,932 --> 00:00:58,474
Oh, boy. It's good
that he's just meowing.
25
00:00:58,601 --> 00:01:00,350
We'll know
he's really nervous if he--
26
00:01:00,478 --> 00:01:01,477
[yowling]
27
00:01:01,604 --> 00:01:03,353
Aw, come on, moon!
As a fellow prepper,
28
00:01:03,439 --> 00:01:05,314
I'm sure you've run through
every possible scenario.
29
00:01:05,399 --> 00:01:07,316
What's the worst thing
that could happen?
30
00:01:07,401 --> 00:01:09,026
-I die.
-I'm sure she'll say "yes."
31
00:01:09,153 --> 00:01:11,445
You're one of the top ten
most eligible preppers.
32
00:01:11,572 --> 00:01:14,364
You're smart, you're funny,
you own your own bear suit.
33
00:01:14,533 --> 00:01:15,741
Moon, go.
34
00:01:15,826 --> 00:01:18,911
Hey, quinn, it's moon.
From school?
35
00:01:18,996 --> 00:01:21,497
Hi, moon. I knew it was you,
because of how I can see you.
36
00:01:21,582 --> 00:01:24,374
Cool. Cool.
Anyway, I was just thinking, um,
37
00:01:24,502 --> 00:01:26,168
I'm going
to the lil' prommers prom prep
38
00:01:26,253 --> 00:01:27,419
For lil' preppers practice prom.
39
00:01:27,505 --> 00:01:29,379
You're going
to the lil' prommers prom prep
40
00:01:29,465 --> 00:01:31,673
For lil' preppers
practice prom, so...
41
00:01:31,801 --> 00:01:33,300
What if we went together?
42
00:01:33,385 --> 00:01:34,426
Oh. No.
43
00:01:34,512 --> 00:01:36,512
[distorted, echoing]
no. No. No. No.
44
00:01:36,597 --> 00:01:38,430
No. No...
45
00:01:38,516 --> 00:01:39,306
Meow.
46
00:01:39,433 --> 00:01:41,350
[laughs]
oh, my god, everybody,
47
00:01:41,435 --> 00:01:44,311
Moon just asked quinn to
the dance, but she said, "no."
48
00:01:44,396 --> 00:01:45,687
Moo. [yowling]
49
00:01:45,815 --> 00:01:47,731
Oh, god, he mooed a meow!
50
00:01:47,817 --> 00:01:49,817
Does anyone know the science
on that?!
51
00:01:49,944 --> 00:01:51,443
[crowing]
52
00:01:51,570 --> 00:01:53,612
Maybe it would have been better
if he died.
53
00:01:53,697 --> 00:01:55,072
[beef]
son, I ironed
54
00:01:55,157 --> 00:01:57,658
Your suit for the lil'
practice prommers... Ah.
55
00:01:57,743 --> 00:01:59,743
I see you're packing
your most prized possessions
56
00:01:59,870 --> 00:02:01,203
Into a duffel bag.
57
00:02:01,288 --> 00:02:03,622
-I assume this means
you're going off-grid?
-Yup.
58
00:02:03,707 --> 00:02:05,249
Well, may I ask what triggered
59
00:02:05,334 --> 00:02:07,084
This latest rupture
with society?
60
00:02:07,211 --> 00:02:10,337
School? Siblings?
Social circle? Lady troubles?
61
00:02:10,381 --> 00:02:12,297
Troubles doesn't begin
to describe it.
62
00:02:12,383 --> 00:02:16,301
Mm, I see. I fear I also
have been in your shoes.
63
00:02:16,387 --> 00:02:18,053
I wish I could
make this better for you,
64
00:02:18,180 --> 00:02:20,848
But some time in the woods alone
is indeed one
65
00:02:20,933 --> 00:02:22,307
Of the only known cures.
66
00:02:22,434 --> 00:02:24,309
Thank you.
I'll need that headlamp,
67
00:02:24,436 --> 00:02:25,519
And that family-size bag
68
00:02:25,604 --> 00:02:27,688
Of captain aloof's
cheezy poofs, please.
69
00:02:27,773 --> 00:02:28,981
The weather band said
70
00:02:29,066 --> 00:02:30,566
A chinook wind might
blow through tonight.
71
00:02:30,651 --> 00:02:32,693
So I would also ask you
to take a walkie-talkie
72
00:02:32,820 --> 00:02:34,444
-In case of emergency.
-All right, but where I'm going,
73
00:02:34,572 --> 00:02:37,573
It's gonna be a lot more walkie
than talkie.
74
00:02:37,700 --> 00:02:38,991
Goodbye, father.
75
00:02:39,076 --> 00:02:41,660
Remember to report to the van
at 0800 hours.
76
00:02:41,745 --> 00:02:45,747
You may go off the grid, but not
off the school attendance list.
77
00:02:45,833 --> 00:02:48,542
[moon]
ah. This is the life.
78
00:02:48,627 --> 00:02:50,460
And with each moment,
I care less and less
79
00:02:50,588 --> 00:02:52,504
About you-know-who
saying you-know-what
80
00:02:52,590 --> 00:02:54,381
About the little
you-know-what prep
81
00:02:54,466 --> 00:02:56,758
For you-know-what practice
you-know-what.
82
00:02:56,886 --> 00:02:58,802
-[snoring]
-[wind howling]
83
00:02:58,888 --> 00:03:00,137
Aah! Oh.
84
00:03:00,181 --> 00:03:01,889
-Chinook wind.
-[wind howling]
85
00:03:01,932 --> 00:03:04,933
Nice try, nature. You're not
gonna get rid of me that easy!
86
00:03:05,060 --> 00:03:06,768
-[moon gasps]
-[loud panting]
87
00:03:06,896 --> 00:03:08,270
Mysterious figure in a gas mask
88
00:03:08,472 --> 00:03:10,147
And hazmat suit
running through the woods?
89
00:03:10,274 --> 00:03:13,025
Oh, you better believe I'm gonna
see where the hell this leads.
90
00:03:13,152 --> 00:03:15,527
[loud, rapid panting]
91
00:03:18,866 --> 00:03:20,365
[grunts]
92
00:03:20,451 --> 00:03:22,743
[grunting]
93
00:03:22,870 --> 00:03:24,453
[moon]
code wintermint!
94
00:03:24,538 --> 00:03:25,704
Code wintermint!
95
00:03:25,789 --> 00:03:28,373
Wintermint. Wintermint.
96
00:03:28,459 --> 00:03:30,209
"wintermint:
Mysterious figure in gas mask
97
00:03:30,336 --> 00:03:32,127
"sighted
on tobin property disappearing
98
00:03:32,213 --> 00:03:33,587
Into locked hatch
in the ground"?
99
00:03:33,714 --> 00:03:35,881
This is why
I never remove my under-poncho
100
00:03:35,966 --> 00:03:37,507
During rainy season.
101
00:03:37,635 --> 00:03:40,302
Ah, man, you guys woke me up
from the craziest dream.
102
00:03:40,387 --> 00:03:42,137
The mucinex booger made
me dinner,
103
00:03:42,223 --> 00:03:44,306
But we couldn't eat
until I sneezed?
104
00:03:44,391 --> 00:03:46,308
And then I did,
and it was such a good sneeze
105
00:03:46,477 --> 00:03:48,894
That the mucinex booger
was crying!
106
00:03:48,979 --> 00:03:50,938
And now I'm in the woods
with a frying pan.
107
00:03:51,023 --> 00:03:52,773
Judy, uh, what's the,
uh, book for?
108
00:03:52,900 --> 00:03:54,566
Y-you gonna use it as a weapon?
109
00:03:54,693 --> 00:03:56,818
Maybe. It's 1001 irish jokes.
110
00:03:56,862 --> 00:03:58,362
If he's irish,
he could be devastated.
111
00:03:58,489 --> 00:04:00,447
Okay, weapons ready.
We're almost there.
112
00:04:00,532 --> 00:04:02,824
The hatch door is camouflaged
to look like the ground.
113
00:04:02,952 --> 00:04:05,285
That's probably why
we never noticed it before.
114
00:04:05,371 --> 00:04:08,080
Attention, trespasser:
Please show yourself!
115
00:04:08,165 --> 00:04:10,040
[hatch-dweller]
nice try, ya crummy commies!
116
00:04:10,125 --> 00:04:11,500
You'll never take me alive!
117
00:04:11,543 --> 00:04:13,252
Uh, we are not commies,
118
00:04:13,337 --> 00:04:15,671
And we mean you no harm.
What is your name?
119
00:04:15,798 --> 00:04:17,047
My name's
mind your own business,
120
00:04:17,132 --> 00:04:20,050
Boris, nuclear mutant
of the eternal wasteland!
121
00:04:20,135 --> 00:04:23,470
And my name is beef tobin.
You're on my property.
122
00:04:23,597 --> 00:04:26,298
-Did you say "beef tobin"?
-Affirmative.
123
00:04:26,350 --> 00:04:28,058
If you're a tobin,
then prove it.
124
00:04:28,185 --> 00:04:29,601
Do the tobin handshake.
125
00:04:29,687 --> 00:04:31,436
There is no tobin handshake.
126
00:04:31,522 --> 00:04:33,814
Correct. That was a test,
and you passed.
127
00:04:33,899 --> 00:04:35,816
I'm dirtrude,
but I just go by "dirt."
128
00:04:35,901 --> 00:04:39,903
My god! Legendary long-lost
tobin family member aunt dirt?
129
00:04:39,989 --> 00:04:42,239
Well, benny goodman's blowhole,
you found me!
130
00:04:46,328 --> 00:04:48,453
Sorry for calling you commies,
but you can't be too careful.
131
00:04:48,580 --> 00:04:50,080
I'd rather be apologizing
to you here
132
00:04:50,207 --> 00:04:52,165
Than bending the knee
to brezhnev in moscow,
133
00:04:52,251 --> 00:04:54,951
-If know what I mean.
-Absolutely.
134
00:04:55,045 --> 00:04:57,296
Aunt dirt,
I can't believe it's really you.
135
00:04:57,381 --> 00:04:59,881
Believe it, buddy boy.
Your dad's big sister.
136
00:04:59,967 --> 00:05:01,800
Dirtrude gertrude tobin.
137
00:05:01,927 --> 00:05:03,176
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
138
00:05:03,304 --> 00:05:05,178
So is this place,
like, your she shed
139
00:05:05,264 --> 00:05:06,346
Or your murder dungeon?
140
00:05:06,473 --> 00:05:08,557
This is my survival bunker,
dollface.
141
00:05:08,642 --> 00:05:10,642
I've lived here since
the soviets invaded america.
142
00:05:10,728 --> 00:05:12,185
Wait. When did that happen?
143
00:05:12,271 --> 00:05:13,979
-It did not.
-It did! It was good Friday,
144
00:05:14,064 --> 00:05:17,107
March 27, 1964,
when the earth shook
145
00:05:17,192 --> 00:05:19,359
As their tanks rumbled ashore.
146
00:05:19,528 --> 00:05:21,486
I believe
you are actually referring
147
00:05:21,530 --> 00:05:24,364
To the great alaskan earthquake
of 1964,
148
00:05:24,491 --> 00:05:27,034
During which you disappeared
and were presumed dead.
149
00:05:27,161 --> 00:05:29,536
Better presumed dead than red,
you know what I mean?
150
00:05:29,621 --> 00:05:32,456
Your version of off-the-grid
is off the charts.
151
00:05:32,583 --> 00:05:33,832
It's amazing
that you were able
152
00:05:33,959 --> 00:05:35,909
To survive down here
this whole time.
153
00:05:35,961 --> 00:05:38,503
Survive?
I thrived, short stack.
154
00:05:38,630 --> 00:05:41,256
I got everything a 25-year-old
woman could ever want
155
00:05:41,342 --> 00:05:44,176
Or need in this baby:
Canned beans,
156
00:05:44,261 --> 00:05:45,761
The collected works
of ray bradbury,
157
00:05:45,846 --> 00:05:49,806
A 1963 cheesecake calendar
from skagway studebaker sales
158
00:05:49,933 --> 00:05:52,351
And service for, um... Company.
159
00:05:52,478 --> 00:05:55,771
-[gasps] is that--
-yup, the tc-320 carbonizer,
160
00:05:55,856 --> 00:05:58,523
A world-class
urine filtration system.
161
00:05:58,650 --> 00:06:00,192
-Wow.
-Turns my tinkle
162
00:06:00,277 --> 00:06:01,735
Into clean,
potable drinking water
163
00:06:01,820 --> 00:06:03,987
That barely even tastes
like tinkle.
164
00:06:04,114 --> 00:06:05,489
Just a hint, but you want that.
165
00:06:05,532 --> 00:06:07,532
Oh, thank you so much,
but I, uh...
166
00:06:07,618 --> 00:06:08,867
Had tinkle for lunch.
167
00:06:08,952 --> 00:06:12,079
Ooh. Doctor bojangles'
energy crackers.
168
00:06:12,206 --> 00:06:14,414
Ugh! These are awful. Ugh!
169
00:06:14,500 --> 00:06:16,666
And yet,
I can't stop eating them.
170
00:06:16,752 --> 00:06:18,418
These crackers make me want
to start a business.
171
00:06:18,545 --> 00:06:20,837
I'm talking synergy.
I'm talking seed funding.
172
00:06:20,997 --> 00:06:22,547
I'm talking leverage.
I'm still talking.
173
00:06:22,633 --> 00:06:24,257
-Judy, uh, it looks like...
-[grunting]
174
00:06:24,343 --> 00:06:26,593
...Dr. B.'s e.C.'s
are mostly ephedrine,
175
00:06:26,678 --> 00:06:28,595
Which is speed,
so maybe don't eat anymore.
176
00:06:28,680 --> 00:06:30,806
Yup. Yup. Yup. Yup.
Yup. Yup. Just this box.
177
00:06:30,891 --> 00:06:32,182
And, hey, ham,
let's roll some calls.
178
00:06:32,351 --> 00:06:33,767
-Get my boy greek on the line.
-On it!
179
00:06:33,811 --> 00:06:35,811
Oh, and let's have kevin order
a bunch of sushi
180
00:06:35,896 --> 00:06:38,105
For when the investors arrive.
Kevin!
181
00:06:38,190 --> 00:06:41,566
Wait. So, aunt dirt,
if you came down here in 1964,
182
00:06:41,652 --> 00:06:44,194
Does that mean you've never
seen a single movie?
183
00:06:44,279 --> 00:06:45,987
Babe, they had movies
before 1964.
184
00:06:46,073 --> 00:06:47,197
That can't be right.
185
00:06:47,324 --> 00:06:48,782
Well, don't you worry,
aunt dirt.
186
00:06:48,867 --> 00:06:50,492
Me and honeybee
will introduce you
187
00:06:50,536 --> 00:06:52,369
To the magical world
of the moving image.
188
00:06:52,454 --> 00:06:54,413
We can pick out all
the best movies you missed
189
00:06:54,456 --> 00:06:55,747
While you were down here
and catch you up.
190
00:06:55,874 --> 00:06:57,624
The list basically
writes itself.
191
00:06:57,709 --> 00:06:59,000
Number one with a bullet:
192
00:06:59,086 --> 00:07:01,294
The judi dench masterpiece,
nanny fanny.
193
00:07:01,380 --> 00:07:03,130
What? You're going nanny fanny
194
00:07:03,257 --> 00:07:06,007
When away in a danger
starring the rock is out there?
195
00:07:06,051 --> 00:07:08,885
-He humiliated
those dumbass wise men.
-Fair point.
196
00:07:08,971 --> 00:07:10,345
Ooh, and we can't forget
197
00:07:10,472 --> 00:07:12,139
The look who's talking
cinematic universe.
198
00:07:12,224 --> 00:07:15,016
There will be plenty of time
to bring aunt dirt up to speed.
199
00:07:15,102 --> 00:07:16,768
Oh, another great movie. Speed!
200
00:07:16,895 --> 00:07:18,728
-I love speed.
-Oh, hell, yeah!
201
00:07:18,814 --> 00:07:20,480
Okay, I'm gonna collect all
of these to burn
202
00:07:20,566 --> 00:07:21,982
-While you guys get dressed.
-[judy grunting]
203
00:07:22,067 --> 00:07:23,775
Then let's take aunt dirt
to maude's all day
204
00:07:23,902 --> 00:07:27,028
For a modern breakfast before
I drop you kids at school.
205
00:07:27,197 --> 00:07:29,614
Aunt dirt, is it okay
if I stay down here instead?
206
00:07:29,741 --> 00:07:33,201
[shakily]
this place fully rips.
207
00:07:33,287 --> 00:07:35,036
Of course.
Make yourself at home.
208
00:07:35,164 --> 00:07:37,581
Uh, you have school,
but you can come down here
209
00:07:37,666 --> 00:07:39,541
And rip when you get home.
210
00:07:39,626 --> 00:07:40,917
Oh, I almost forgot.
211
00:07:41,044 --> 00:07:43,420
You will not need a gun
at breakfast, aunt dirt.
212
00:07:43,547 --> 00:07:45,672
Ha! That's what
they'd like you to think.
213
00:07:45,799 --> 00:07:47,632
Stop playing their game,
sweetie pie.
214
00:07:47,718 --> 00:07:49,009
Cary grant's anus,
215
00:07:49,094 --> 00:07:52,012
-I forgot my smokes.
-Oh, no, your smokes!
216
00:07:52,097 --> 00:07:53,346
Uh, you can't smoke
217
00:07:53,432 --> 00:07:54,848
In any public spaces
anymore, aunt dirt.
218
00:07:54,933 --> 00:07:56,933
-Not even in hospitals?
-Aunt dirt, you were
219
00:07:57,060 --> 00:07:58,643
In the bunker for 60 years.
220
00:07:58,729 --> 00:08:00,103
A lot's changed in that time.
221
00:08:00,230 --> 00:08:02,189
Shirley temple's balls! 60?
222
00:08:02,316 --> 00:08:04,649
Wow. I'm over 80 years old.
223
00:08:04,693 --> 00:08:06,067
Hot dog! This is great news!
224
00:08:06,195 --> 00:08:07,944
Daddy can no longer pressure me
to get hitched
225
00:08:08,030 --> 00:08:10,071
And become
a baby-making machine.
226
00:08:10,199 --> 00:08:11,615
How is daddy, by the way?
227
00:08:11,700 --> 00:08:13,325
-Mm...
-[aunt dirt] all right.
228
00:08:13,452 --> 00:08:17,621
Yeah, if I'm 80-something,
then, uh... Math.
229
00:08:17,748 --> 00:08:19,080
Thanks for the coffee, sweetie.
230
00:08:19,166 --> 00:08:20,540
-Honk.
-[gasps] hey, now!
231
00:08:20,626 --> 00:08:23,168
-Aunt dirt!
-Sorry. She's from the past.
232
00:08:23,295 --> 00:08:24,878
What's the big deal?
Back in my day,
233
00:08:24,963 --> 00:08:26,755
Honking a boob
was basically a handshake.
234
00:08:26,840 --> 00:08:30,383
Oh, it happens. Ma'am, that'll
be a dollar for the honk jar.
235
00:08:30,511 --> 00:08:32,219
Pay the broad.
236
00:08:32,304 --> 00:08:33,470
What's the matter with this one?
237
00:08:33,555 --> 00:08:35,472
I believe he is dreading
going to school.
238
00:08:35,599 --> 00:08:37,557
Ugh. I know how that is.
I hated school.
239
00:08:37,643 --> 00:08:38,767
But cheer up, champ.
240
00:08:38,977 --> 00:08:40,977
You're almost old enough
to work at a factory.
241
00:08:41,063 --> 00:08:42,938
Or if you're lucky, get drafted.
242
00:08:43,065 --> 00:08:44,314
I would kill to be drafted.
243
00:08:44,441 --> 00:08:46,149
Then I could skip
that stupid dance.
244
00:08:46,235 --> 00:08:48,818
The dance? Let me guess--
some hot number turned you down?
245
00:08:48,904 --> 00:08:52,280
Quinn. She didn't even give me
a reason, just a flat-out "no."
246
00:08:52,366 --> 00:08:54,991
Well, she probably has a reason.
Most likely diphtheria.
247
00:08:55,077 --> 00:08:56,243
Huh. Maybe you're right.
248
00:08:56,328 --> 00:08:58,411
Put it on his tab, toots!
249
00:08:58,497 --> 00:09:01,373
Don't forget to ask your chippie
if she's got the dippie.
250
00:09:01,458 --> 00:09:03,959
Hey, beef, you think
you could take me by woolworths?
251
00:09:04,044 --> 00:09:06,044
I want to get a new fm radio
so I can hear
252
00:09:06,088 --> 00:09:08,088
Freddie frost-tone's
alaskan boogie minute.
253
00:09:08,173 --> 00:09:09,965
Well, there hasn't been
a woolworth's here
254
00:09:10,050 --> 00:09:11,258
For about 40 years,
255
00:09:11,385 --> 00:09:12,968
And freddie frost-tone
tragically
256
00:09:13,053 --> 00:09:15,929
And ironically burned to death
in the '90s.
257
00:09:15,973 --> 00:09:17,389
All right, fine.
258
00:09:17,516 --> 00:09:19,766
There's a couple other places
I want to get my peepers on.
259
00:09:19,893 --> 00:09:22,561
But first things first.
[grunting]
260
00:09:22,688 --> 00:09:26,064
Whatever these things are,
they freaking chafe.
261
00:09:28,360 --> 00:09:29,150
[sighs]
262
00:09:29,236 --> 00:09:30,443
-Hi, quinn.
-Hi, moon.
263
00:09:30,529 --> 00:09:32,904
Out of curiosity,
do you have diphtheria?
264
00:09:32,990 --> 00:09:34,406
No, but thank you so much
for asking.
265
00:09:34,533 --> 00:09:37,242
Is there a thick grey-white
coating covering the back
266
00:09:37,327 --> 00:09:39,286
Of my throat, nose and tongue
that I am unaware of?
267
00:09:39,371 --> 00:09:41,788
Uh, no, I just thought
maybe you said "no"
268
00:09:41,873 --> 00:09:44,291
To going to the dance with me
because you have diphtheria
269
00:09:44,418 --> 00:09:46,251
Or some other
bacterial infection.
270
00:09:46,336 --> 00:09:47,711
Oh. No. I turned you down
271
00:09:47,796 --> 00:09:49,337
Because I'm going
with someone else.
272
00:09:49,423 --> 00:09:50,463
I see.
273
00:09:50,632 --> 00:09:53,633
[meows, hisses]
274
00:09:53,719 --> 00:09:55,010
-Moon! Where are you going?
-[yowling]
275
00:09:55,095 --> 00:09:58,346
-It's blt day in the cafeteria!
-[meowing]
276
00:09:58,473 --> 00:10:01,641
[aunt dirt]
the hell is this crap?!
They put in a mall?!
277
00:10:01,727 --> 00:10:04,978
What is this-- paris? Where is
johnny tiny's burlesque hall?
278
00:10:05,105 --> 00:10:07,439
Johnny tiny's was torn down
20 years ago
279
00:10:07,524 --> 00:10:10,025
After a bunch of dancers
fell off the silver moon
280
00:10:10,193 --> 00:10:12,068
They descended from
the ceiling on.
281
00:10:12,195 --> 00:10:14,195
What a waste of legs.
282
00:10:14,281 --> 00:10:16,406
A left up here.
Get ready, beef. You're about
283
00:10:16,491 --> 00:10:18,408
To have the best egg cream
you've ever tasted in--
284
00:10:18,493 --> 00:10:21,244
[gasps]
oh, my god. I'm in hell.
285
00:10:21,330 --> 00:10:23,496
I live in hell now. [sighs]
286
00:10:23,624 --> 00:10:26,249
Please, just take me
to my friend melinda's house.
287
00:10:26,335 --> 00:10:28,293
I need to see a friendly face.
288
00:10:28,420 --> 00:10:32,172
Melinda's house is...
This frigging crap?
289
00:10:32,257 --> 00:10:33,590
[beef]
I'm sorry, dirtrude.
290
00:10:33,675 --> 00:10:36,676
[aunt dirt sighs]
just take me back to the bunker.
291
00:10:38,597 --> 00:10:41,181
What in richard burton's
butt crack? It's locked!
292
00:10:41,266 --> 00:10:43,725
[moon]
sorry! Occupied!
293
00:10:48,148 --> 00:10:49,064
Moon, I need you to open
the door,
294
00:10:49,149 --> 00:10:50,482
And more importantly,
295
00:10:50,567 --> 00:10:52,609
-Return to school.
-Oh. No, thank you, father.
296
00:10:52,694 --> 00:10:54,361
The second I open this door,
297
00:10:54,488 --> 00:10:56,279
Someone could rush in
and utterly reject me
298
00:10:56,406 --> 00:10:58,156
In favor
of some above-ground-boy.
299
00:10:58,200 --> 00:11:01,993
Ah. I see. I take it
quinn doesn't have diphtheria?
300
00:11:02,079 --> 00:11:03,578
She doesn't even have cholera!
301
00:11:03,705 --> 00:11:05,914
Well, I'm sorry your friend
is in excellent health.
302
00:11:06,041 --> 00:11:07,874
I really don't love the notion
of one of my kids
303
00:11:07,959 --> 00:11:10,669
Being in a hole in the ground
all alone, but
304
00:11:10,796 --> 00:11:12,587
If this is what you need,
I guess I'll allow it.
305
00:11:12,673 --> 00:11:14,130
But keep the walkie on.
306
00:11:14,299 --> 00:11:17,008
Roger that, but if the batteries
die, I'm not changing them.
307
00:11:17,135 --> 00:11:19,135
All right. Care to come up
with me to the main house?
308
00:11:19,304 --> 00:11:21,846
I can make us some lunch.
Maybe some hot pockets?
309
00:11:21,932 --> 00:11:23,598
-Hot pockets?!
-You know what?
310
00:11:23,684 --> 00:11:26,309
Let's just head in,
and I'll show you what I mean.
311
00:11:26,395 --> 00:11:28,353
[aunt dirt]
mmm. Now what do you call
312
00:11:28,438 --> 00:11:31,606
That contraption you cooked
it in again? Lenin's lunchbox?
313
00:11:31,692 --> 00:11:33,525
Close. A microwave.
314
00:11:33,652 --> 00:11:34,859
Now, if you like hot pockets,
315
00:11:34,945 --> 00:11:36,611
There are many more
culinary innovations
316
00:11:36,697 --> 00:11:38,029
I can introduce you to.
317
00:11:38,115 --> 00:11:40,782
Let me start by asking you
to imagine this.
318
00:11:40,867 --> 00:11:43,284
What if a hamburger
could help you?
319
00:11:43,412 --> 00:11:45,328
I would ask,
what's in it for the hamburger?
320
00:11:45,497 --> 00:11:47,038
Nothing's free
in this world, son.
321
00:11:47,165 --> 00:11:49,541
Aunt dirt, since you're locked
out of your bunker for now,
322
00:11:49,626 --> 00:11:52,043
Maybe we can all help
ease you into modern living.
323
00:11:52,129 --> 00:11:55,046
Ooh, yes, I'd love to do
a feminist history presentation,
324
00:11:55,132 --> 00:11:56,339
Catch you up on that.
325
00:11:56,425 --> 00:11:57,882
I'm gonna call it
my "judy x talk,"
326
00:11:57,968 --> 00:11:59,884
And I will be wearing
a black turtleneck
327
00:12:00,011 --> 00:12:01,219
And walking back and forth
328
00:12:01,346 --> 00:12:03,680
And steepling my fingers a lot
like this.
329
00:12:03,765 --> 00:12:04,973
-No, thank you.
-And how about
330
00:12:05,100 --> 00:12:06,725
We get you going
on that movie catch-up tonight?
331
00:12:06,810 --> 00:12:09,310
Yeah! We can start with a
double feature of two classics:
332
00:12:09,396 --> 00:12:12,439
Scorsese's mean streets and
adam sandler's hubie Halloween.
333
00:12:12,566 --> 00:12:14,858
Aunt dirt, it's moon.
Do you copy?
334
00:12:15,026 --> 00:12:15,984
Go for dirtrude.
335
00:12:16,111 --> 00:12:17,736
I'm in the mood
for a little music.
336
00:12:17,863 --> 00:12:19,863
Which of your 45s
do you recommend?
337
00:12:19,990 --> 00:12:23,241
Well, I was always partial
to "the atom bomb dance-along."
338
00:12:23,368 --> 00:12:26,578
Or if you really want to boogie,
I'd put on "the polio pounce."
339
00:12:26,705 --> 00:12:28,997
♪ doo-doo, doo-doo-doo,
doo-doo, doo-doo ♪
340
00:12:29,082 --> 00:12:31,583
♪ get out your iron lung,
the dance has begun ♪
341
00:12:31,668 --> 00:12:34,294
♪ now we're doin'
the polio pounce! Whoo! ♪
342
00:12:34,379 --> 00:12:37,630
♪ ♪
343
00:12:39,593 --> 00:12:41,509
Knock, knock.
It's time for school.
344
00:12:41,636 --> 00:12:43,094
[moon]
no can do, big man.
345
00:12:43,221 --> 00:12:45,680
What if I told you, after school
we're taking aunt dirt
346
00:12:45,766 --> 00:12:48,892
To the paint-ball place
in whippleton, splattletons?
347
00:12:49,060 --> 00:12:51,060
I'd say that having felt
the sting of the paintball
348
00:12:51,188 --> 00:12:54,606
Called "romantic rejection,"
I care to play no more.
349
00:12:54,733 --> 00:12:57,692
Ugh. Fine, moon. One more day.
350
00:13:02,073 --> 00:13:04,616
All right, son,
your bunker pass is revoked,
351
00:13:04,743 --> 00:13:06,910
But your pancake pass
just came through.
352
00:13:06,995 --> 00:13:08,703
I wish I could
eat pancakes, dad,
353
00:13:08,830 --> 00:13:10,205
But having burned my tongue
354
00:13:10,332 --> 00:13:11,998
On the bitter syrup
of rejection,
355
00:13:12,083 --> 00:13:13,458
I prefer the taste of nothing
356
00:13:13,543 --> 00:13:17,253
-And the company of no one.
-Hmm.
357
00:13:21,092 --> 00:13:22,467
Care to dance?
358
00:13:22,552 --> 00:13:25,053
♪ ♪
359
00:13:34,898 --> 00:13:36,940
[laughing]
okay, I'll bite, natalie.
360
00:13:37,025 --> 00:13:38,900
What do you call a mop in space?
361
00:13:39,027 --> 00:13:41,778
[laughing]
oh, my god, you are so funny.
362
00:13:41,863 --> 00:13:44,280
-A vacuum cleaner.
-[knocking]
363
00:13:44,366 --> 00:13:46,032
Are you expecting someone?
364
00:13:46,159 --> 00:13:47,659
-Go away!
-[beef] I will not.
365
00:13:47,786 --> 00:13:49,410
Moon, it's been four days.
366
00:13:49,496 --> 00:13:51,913
-I need you to come out.
-Ha! Days mean nothing.
367
00:13:52,040 --> 00:13:54,374
They're an invention
of the greeting card industry.
368
00:13:54,501 --> 00:13:56,334
Listen, we're heading
to the mall, and I can't believe
369
00:13:56,419 --> 00:13:58,002
I'm saying this,
but if you'll get out
370
00:13:58,088 --> 00:14:01,005
Of this damned hole in the
ground and come with us, I'll...
371
00:14:01,132 --> 00:14:05,093
I'll buy you the
rs470 vapor crossbow package.
372
00:14:05,253 --> 00:14:08,179
What on earth would I do
with a crossbow in here, father?
373
00:14:08,306 --> 00:14:10,431
Are you joking?
You've been begging me
374
00:14:10,517 --> 00:14:13,560
For the rs470 every single day
for two years.
375
00:14:13,645 --> 00:14:17,772
I was so naive, but now my eyes
are open wider than natalie's.
376
00:14:17,941 --> 00:14:18,982
Who is natalie?
377
00:14:19,109 --> 00:14:20,358
Dad, I'm not coming out
for the crossbow.
378
00:14:20,443 --> 00:14:23,152
Or for anything.
I'm more bunker than boy now.
379
00:14:23,238 --> 00:14:26,531
-I'm staying in here forever!
-[groans]
380
00:14:34,040 --> 00:14:36,165
-[aunt dirt] can't sleep,
you big galoot?
-Nope.
381
00:14:36,334 --> 00:14:37,792
-You?
-Nope. Keep calling old friends
382
00:14:37,878 --> 00:14:42,505
To catch up, and finding out
they died 20 years ago. Lol.
383
00:14:42,591 --> 00:14:44,757
Am I using that right?
"lots of loss"?
384
00:14:44,843 --> 00:14:46,968
Anyway,
what's mel-ing your tormé?
385
00:14:47,095 --> 00:14:48,386
I'm just worried about moon.
386
00:14:48,471 --> 00:14:50,722
He's gone off the grid before,
but never like this.
387
00:14:50,807 --> 00:14:53,433
You never wanted to take a
powder from the world for a bit?
388
00:14:53,560 --> 00:14:56,978
Of course, I love taking
a powder, but where does it end?
389
00:14:57,063 --> 00:15:00,064
Yeah. Lucky for me, prom
happened before I checked out.
390
00:15:00,150 --> 00:15:01,441
Best night of my life.
391
00:15:01,610 --> 00:15:04,360
My friend melinda snuck in
a flask of mint juleps,
392
00:15:04,446 --> 00:15:07,155
And we spent the whole night
dancing to mary wells
393
00:15:07,240 --> 00:15:09,240
Before we barfed beneath
the northern lights together.
394
00:15:09,326 --> 00:15:11,659
Sounds like
a pretty groovy time.
395
00:15:11,745 --> 00:15:14,662
-It was absolutely boss.
-[sighs]
396
00:15:14,748 --> 00:15:15,955
All right, enough is enough.
397
00:15:16,041 --> 00:15:18,541
Moon is going
to his lil' prommers prom prep
398
00:15:18,668 --> 00:15:19,959
For lil' preppers practice prom
399
00:15:20,045 --> 00:15:21,544
If I have to dig
through the earth's crust
400
00:15:21,630 --> 00:15:24,213
And come up through
the bunker floor to get him out.
401
00:15:24,299 --> 00:15:25,506
Well, you don't have
to go that far.
402
00:15:25,592 --> 00:15:26,925
Don't tell the russkies,
403
00:15:27,052 --> 00:15:29,344
But one of the bunker walls is
just straight up plywood.
404
00:15:29,429 --> 00:15:31,346
Kind of ran out
of bunker cash at the end.
405
00:15:31,473 --> 00:15:33,473
All you got to do
is dig down a couple feet,
406
00:15:33,516 --> 00:15:34,682
Give it a swift kick.
407
00:15:34,768 --> 00:15:36,267
-[laughing]
-[beef grunts]
408
00:15:36,394 --> 00:15:38,102
-[moon gasps]
-[beef grunts]
409
00:15:38,188 --> 00:15:39,687
What in the actual hell?
410
00:15:39,856 --> 00:15:41,147
Moon,
the lil' prommers prom prep
411
00:15:41,232 --> 00:15:43,691
For lil' preppers practice prom
is in 12 hours,
412
00:15:43,860 --> 00:15:45,109
And you're gonna be there.
413
00:15:45,195 --> 00:15:46,736
-Hard pass.
-Enough!
414
00:15:46,821 --> 00:15:49,656
I will not have you wasting
your life buried in some tomb.
415
00:15:49,783 --> 00:15:51,908
-Okay, rude.
-Nice try, boomer!
416
00:15:52,035 --> 00:15:54,035
[grunts]
417
00:15:54,162 --> 00:15:55,578
-[grunts]
-where did he...?
418
00:15:55,664 --> 00:15:57,038
Where did my son go?!
419
00:15:57,123 --> 00:16:00,249
Uh, well, I guess he discovered
the back-up bunker.
420
00:16:00,335 --> 00:16:02,001
The bunker has a back-up bunker?
421
00:16:02,170 --> 00:16:03,920
-And you didn't tell me?
-My bad.
422
00:16:04,047 --> 00:16:06,339
You ever hear that one before,
beef? "my bad"?
423
00:16:06,424 --> 00:16:07,966
It's just one of the fun bits
of slang
424
00:16:08,126 --> 00:16:10,176
I've picked up this week,
and I love it.
425
00:16:10,303 --> 00:16:12,512
It really sings.
"my bad!"
426
00:16:16,559 --> 00:16:18,184
Moon, please,
you can't just live in a hole
427
00:16:18,228 --> 00:16:19,936
In a hole in the ground.
428
00:16:20,021 --> 00:16:22,230
I can as long
as someone regularly
429
00:16:22,315 --> 00:16:23,898
Dribbles some beans
down the air vent.
430
00:16:23,984 --> 00:16:26,985
-Technically, that's true.
-Son, I get it.
431
00:16:27,028 --> 00:16:29,153
Your aunt dirt's return
has made me realize
432
00:16:29,280 --> 00:16:32,115
That we tobins have
a natural bunker mentality.
433
00:16:32,200 --> 00:16:35,618
But your aunt and I have not set
the best example for you.
434
00:16:35,704 --> 00:16:37,245
What?! I'm incredible.
435
00:16:37,414 --> 00:16:38,871
-[moon] agreed!
-Think of all the things
436
00:16:38,957 --> 00:16:41,290
You'd miss if you really
stayed in here, moon.
437
00:16:41,376 --> 00:16:42,500
I mean, the sound of your boots
438
00:16:42,585 --> 00:16:44,961
Crunching over
freshly-fallen August snow,
439
00:16:45,046 --> 00:16:48,047
Or that first sip of coffee
as the sun rises.
440
00:16:48,133 --> 00:16:49,590
What about deal or no deal?
441
00:16:49,718 --> 00:16:49,924
You love
to watch howie make a deal.
442
00:16:51,553 --> 00:16:53,594
Blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah, dad!
443
00:16:53,763 --> 00:16:56,222
Aunt dirt lived without
those things, and she's perfect.
444
00:16:56,266 --> 00:16:57,932
I'm gonna be just like her.
445
00:16:58,059 --> 00:16:59,809
Ugh. Moon, listen.
446
00:16:59,936 --> 00:17:02,395
I understand
exactly how you feel.
447
00:17:02,480 --> 00:17:04,605
Sometimes it feels like
the whole world's one big,
448
00:17:04,733 --> 00:17:07,358
Scary communist trying
to violently invade alaska
449
00:17:07,444 --> 00:17:10,111
And make your secret girlfriend
melinda break up with you
450
00:17:10,196 --> 00:17:13,614
So she can marry frank,
the molasses king of wasilla.
451
00:17:13,700 --> 00:17:16,034
That's not exactly how I feel.
452
00:17:16,161 --> 00:17:18,578
Wait. Melinda?
From the prom and the barfing?
453
00:17:18,747 --> 00:17:21,581
-That's why you went in here.
-Well, the, uh...
454
00:17:21,708 --> 00:17:24,459
It was mostly the soviets, but,
yeah, yeah, also a little bit
455
00:17:24,586 --> 00:17:27,128
The secret girlfriend
marrying frank thing.
456
00:17:27,255 --> 00:17:29,088
So, you got rejected, too?
457
00:17:29,215 --> 00:17:32,175
Oh, big time. When those russian
tanks rolled out of the sea--
458
00:17:32,260 --> 00:17:34,177
-It was an earthquake.
-Well, that was the morning
459
00:17:34,262 --> 00:17:37,430
I got the news that melinda
went ahead and married frank.
460
00:17:37,515 --> 00:17:40,516
I know how that feels. Quinn
didn't just say "no" to me.
461
00:17:40,643 --> 00:17:41,934
She's going with someone else.
462
00:17:42,062 --> 00:17:43,978
My only choice was
to come in the bunker.
463
00:17:44,064 --> 00:17:45,480
Just like you, aunt dirt.
464
00:17:45,607 --> 00:17:48,566
Well, now, a few days ago,
I would have agreed with you.
465
00:17:48,693 --> 00:17:50,943
But since you guys coaxed me
out of my hidey-hole,
466
00:17:50,987 --> 00:17:53,529
I've realized
how much I've missed out on.
467
00:17:53,615 --> 00:17:54,822
Like toaster strudel.
468
00:17:54,908 --> 00:17:56,949
And pornography
that moves around.
469
00:17:57,035 --> 00:17:59,952
And things getting better
for gals like me.
470
00:18:00,080 --> 00:18:03,206
-All equally
amazing developments.
-Hmm.
471
00:18:03,291 --> 00:18:04,916
So, yeah,
I get you want to be like me,
472
00:18:05,001 --> 00:18:06,626
Because I'm basically vince
from that movie
473
00:18:06,711 --> 00:18:09,462
I watched this morning--
entourage: The movie.
474
00:18:09,589 --> 00:18:12,632
But, moon,
don't be like this part of me.
475
00:18:12,759 --> 00:18:13,966
I realize you can't see me,
476
00:18:14,094 --> 00:18:15,927
But I am gesturing
to the bunker right now.
477
00:18:16,012 --> 00:18:18,513
But what if I never
get over my heartbreak?
478
00:18:18,640 --> 00:18:20,348
Did you ever get over yours?
479
00:18:20,433 --> 00:18:22,016
I think so.
I'm actually thinking
480
00:18:22,102 --> 00:18:24,852
I'm gonna ask out that spicy
waitress at the diner.
481
00:18:24,938 --> 00:18:28,022
You guys made a fuss, but she
was eye-honking me right back.
482
00:18:28,066 --> 00:18:30,108
And it might not have worked out
with quinn,
483
00:18:30,193 --> 00:18:33,361
But you could meet another
hotsy-totsy at a sock hop
484
00:18:33,488 --> 00:18:35,321
Or a clambake
or a beatles concert.
485
00:18:35,448 --> 00:18:37,824
[gasps] boy, I'd love
to see my favorites,
486
00:18:37,867 --> 00:18:40,451
-John and george, again.
-Oh, boy.
487
00:18:40,537 --> 00:18:41,953
-What?
-Nothing. Uh...
488
00:18:42,038 --> 00:18:43,329
Uh, aunt dirt's right, moon.
489
00:18:43,414 --> 00:18:44,997
Your life's
gonna be pretty good.
490
00:18:45,125 --> 00:18:46,874
Be a shame if you missed it.
491
00:18:47,961 --> 00:18:50,753
I am willing
to give society one more chance,
492
00:18:50,839 --> 00:18:53,172
If aunt dirt will
honor one request.
493
00:18:53,299 --> 00:18:54,590
Shoot your shot, playa.
494
00:18:54,676 --> 00:18:57,385
Oh, is that not a real slang?
Did honeybee trick me?
495
00:18:57,512 --> 00:18:59,929
♪ ♪
496
00:19:00,014 --> 00:19:02,265
[sighs]
497
00:19:04,018 --> 00:19:05,935
Incredible.
Nasa figured out how
498
00:19:06,020 --> 00:19:08,020
To make spoons out
of chips, huh?
499
00:19:08,106 --> 00:19:09,522
Wait till ham hears about this.
500
00:19:09,649 --> 00:19:12,483
I think ham knows about
tostitos scoops, aunt dirt.
501
00:19:12,527 --> 00:19:14,318
Hi, moon. Nice to see you
this fine evening.
502
00:19:14,404 --> 00:19:16,696
Hello, quinn.
Where's your date?
503
00:19:16,823 --> 00:19:18,156
I'm prepared
to shake his hand.
504
00:19:18,283 --> 00:19:20,950
Moon, this is my date-- david.
David, moon.
505
00:19:21,035 --> 00:19:24,036
You turned me down
for a pot-bellied pig in a vest?
506
00:19:24,164 --> 00:19:26,497
He also had little pants,
but he pooped them.
507
00:19:26,541 --> 00:19:28,082
-And then ate them.
-I see.
508
00:19:28,168 --> 00:19:30,751
And I... Turned you down
because this is a practice prom
509
00:19:30,837 --> 00:19:32,712
So I wanted
to bring a practice date.
510
00:19:32,797 --> 00:19:34,463
Besides, david loves to dance.
511
00:19:34,591 --> 00:19:37,216
Oh. In that case,
mind if I cut in?
512
00:19:37,260 --> 00:19:39,051
My dance card's been empty
for years.
513
00:19:39,137 --> 00:19:42,221
Care to, uh, dance?
514
00:19:43,933 --> 00:19:46,100
♪ ♪
515
00:19:52,233 --> 00:19:55,651
Have you seen this? The ipod
nano? Look how small it is.
516
00:19:55,778 --> 00:19:57,153
Guess how many songs
it can hold?
517
00:19:57,280 --> 00:19:59,530
-A hundred billion.
-Pretty much.
518
00:19:59,657 --> 00:20:01,240
Wow. What'll they think of next?
519
00:20:01,367 --> 00:20:02,700
I guess I'll find out, huh?
520
00:20:02,785 --> 00:20:04,577
You can keep bringing
cool stuff down to the bunker
521
00:20:04,704 --> 00:20:07,330
For me to see, because
the hatch is always open.
522
00:20:07,457 --> 00:20:09,457
Literally,
thanks to your father.
523
00:20:09,584 --> 00:20:12,210
Okay, all the locks
are off all the hatch doors.
524
00:20:12,295 --> 00:20:15,504
Unless there's a hatch within
the hatch within the hatch?
525
00:20:15,590 --> 00:20:17,048
-Nope, that's it.
-I just hope
526
00:20:17,175 --> 00:20:19,217
No commies break in
in the middle of the night.
527
00:20:19,344 --> 00:20:20,593
Okay, lenny bruce,
that's not funny.
528
00:20:20,762 --> 00:20:21,928
Don't even joke about that.
529
00:20:22,055 --> 00:20:23,638
I mean,
if you want to joke around,
530
00:20:23,765 --> 00:20:24,805
At least tell a real one. Like,
531
00:20:24,891 --> 00:20:26,807
Why didn't the lifeguard
save the hippie?
532
00:20:26,926 --> 00:20:29,602
'cause he was too far out, man.
533
00:20:29,687 --> 00:20:31,687
Ya got to help me, doc.
534
00:20:31,773 --> 00:20:34,523
I just feel
so dang tired all the time.
535
00:20:35,860 --> 00:20:39,528
Here, billy, try one of these
dr. Bojangles energy crackers.
536
00:20:46,079 --> 00:20:48,621
♪ when you're feeling
kinda sluggish ♪
537
00:20:48,706 --> 00:20:50,206
♪ not so very ruggish
and you pray ♪
538
00:20:50,291 --> 00:20:52,917
♪ the day will simply go away ♪
539
00:20:53,002 --> 00:20:54,502
♪ have yourself
a dr. Bojangles ♪
540
00:20:54,587 --> 00:20:56,337
♪ the cracker
with all the angles ♪
541
00:20:56,422 --> 00:20:58,047
♪ which nine million
out of ten doctors ♪
542
00:20:58,174 --> 00:21:00,466
♪ prescribe today! ♪
543
00:21:00,551 --> 00:21:02,426
Captioning sponsored by
bento box entertainment
544
00:21:02,512 --> 00:21:05,054
And toyota.