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-♪ Look up there ♪
-♪ What do you see? ♪
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00:00:04,396 --> 00:00:05,896
♪ Nature and stuff ♪
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00:00:05,914 --> 00:00:07,155
-♪ Like a rock ♪
-♪ And a tree ♪
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00:00:07,249 --> 00:00:09,991
♪ Oh, the Great North ♪
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00:00:10,160 --> 00:00:13,587
♪ Way up here,
you can breathe the air ♪
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♪ Catch some fish ♪
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♪ Or gaze at a bear ♪
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♪ Wow ♪
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♪ Oh, the Great North ♪
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00:00:21,263 --> 00:00:22,412
♪ Here we live, oh, oh ♪
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♪ Here we'll stay, oh, whoo ♪
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♪ From longest night
to longest day ♪
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♪ In the Great North. ♪
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[cheering]
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[Wolf]
Honeybee, if you stare at
that dividend check any harder,
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we're gonna officially
be a throuple.
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[chuckles] I'm in.
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I still can't believe
I get a bunch of money
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00:00:42,284 --> 00:00:43,525
in dividends
from the Oil companies
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00:00:43,602 --> 00:00:45,952
every year
just for living in Alaska.
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Yep, It's like Christmas,
only Santa is the oil industry,
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which is, yes,
bleeding our state dry
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of its prehistoric goop.
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And in the process,
soaking our puffins in grease,
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diarrhea-ing our waters
with toxic runoff
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until the Earth herself
sobs for relief.
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-She's a lot of fun, huh?
-Nope, I am not.
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And, you know what, proud of it.
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I refuse to suckle from
the diseased teat of daddy oil.
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So I always rip up
my dividend check.
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And I always collect
those check scraps,
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tape 'em together and deposit
them into a savings account.
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And Judy pretends
not to know about that
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so she can yell at us.
35
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Well, this year
the only yelling I'll be doing
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is during my one-woman play,
Divi-Dead-End.
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I need to preserve my instrument
to scream "you're complicit"
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at individual audience members.
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Sounds... entertaining?
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It's not supposed to be
entertaining!
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It's supposed to stop people
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from taking
oil company bribe money.
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Okay, so, what are
the people who aren't
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ripping up their checks
doing with their money?
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Well, I do feel a little guilty
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about taking money
from the fossil fuel industry,
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so I always like
to throw it away
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on something truly frivolous.
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The bigger and dumber it is,
the less guilty I feel.
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00:01:48,016 --> 00:01:51,501
Last year's industrial churro
maker was hella dumb and big.
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Indeed, but the cinnamon-
and sugar-coated burns
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all over my body were
ultimately not worth it.
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-I want in on Team Big and Dumb.
-I'm in, too.
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I just saw Transformers.
We should buy a Bumblebee.
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Well, Judy has a point about
the dividend feeling bribe-y,
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but we're not
throwing our cash away.
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Wolf and I are actually
using our dividend
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00:02:07,294 --> 00:02:08,443
to invest in Alaska.
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We're starting
a business together.
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We're gonna open a gym
in the guest house.
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And you know me and Crispin
are obsessed with
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that gritty restaurant drama
Yes Chef.
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So we decided to spend
our dividend checks
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on expensive kitchen knives
and chef's clothes
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and open a smoothie stand
for the gym.
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[snorting]
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That's the sound of you suckling
that diseased oil teat.
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Ugh! Judy!
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Don't take the crude
if you don't want the rude.
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I'll continue to chastise you
like that tonight at my play.
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I expect you'll all be there
in the audience
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to support me screaming at you?
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Oh, I wish we could be,
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but the gym opens in two days,
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so we got to... uh, do that.
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Yup, yeah, and Crispin's gonna
teach me some, uh...
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restaurant stuff, so...
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I don't have a flimsy excuse,
Judy.
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I just don't want to go.
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Well, I'll be there, Jude.
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And I look forward to
enduring your art.
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[Judy groans]
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Look at everyone flaunting
their dividend purchases.
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It makes me sick.
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You're guilty!
Come to my premiere.
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Uh, Judy, Kima and I,
we friend-joyed your rehearsal,
87
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but the show was
kind of a... downer.
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Seriously,
if we weren't your friends
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and also your stage crew,
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I don't know
if we would have stayed.
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Uh-huh, hold on. You're
disgusting! Come to my show.
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Yup, this is one of
Anne Hathaway's actual tiaras
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from The Princess Diaries.
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I also got
her partially-eaten onion bagel
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from The Devil Wears Prada.
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I'm a real Anne-Fan.
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So many splurges to choose from.
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Our purchase needs to be
the perfect combination
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of flashy, dangerous and stupid.
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Imagine one of the number boxes
from Deal or No Deal
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but with a rhinestone axe
inside.
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Something like that.
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Do you want a 12-foot mummy
with big jugs?
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-I'm not saying no.
-Hmm.
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It's stupid, but is it
a complete waste of money?
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-Not to me.
-I think we'll keep looking.
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Don't take any offers
on the hot doll
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without calling us first.
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[Judy]
Ask me about Alaska's
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fattest cats in baskets.
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Meryl Streep is keeping sheep.
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[breathes deeply] She's ready.
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People of Alask-- Uh...
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[whispering] Mr. Golovkin.
We need to hold a few minutes
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for the audience
to take their seats.
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This is your audience, Judy.
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And as your faculty chaperone,
may I remind you
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that you only have this theater
for 45 more minutes,
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so I would advise you
to start your screaming.
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[clears throat]
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I am the yearly
Alaska dividend check!
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Shame on you! And you!
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And... you again?
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Oh, what's the point?
No one's here.
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I think you're doing great,
Jude.
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Aw, forget it.
Show's over! The end!
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[grunts]
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[crying]
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Your daughter is very talented.
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-[groaning]
-[knocking]
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Hey, hon.
I'm here to pick up Henry.
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Okay.
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[weakly] Henry...
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Uh, everything okay, Judy?
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If you must know, no one came
to my very important play
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about the evils of Big Oil
last night.
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I thought
I could open people's eyes
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by shoving my art into them.
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Like how Anthony Hopkins
got everyone
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to compost
their Halloween pumpkins
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00:05:04,530 --> 00:05:06,212
by doing that monologue
in Central Park.
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-But no one showed.
-Hmm.
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I've kind of got
the opposite problem myself.
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Our Triple-C-minor-league
hockey team,
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the Lone Moose Puck Chuckers,
is going under.
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But not because
we don't have fans.
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We can get a crowd,
but our sponsor dropped out.
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Of an airplane.
With no parachute.
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A crowd, huh?
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00:05:22,397 --> 00:05:24,230
And, uh,
your league has the usual,
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uh, breaks between periods,
right?
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With some kind of entertainment?
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00:05:26,718 --> 00:05:27,993
-Yup.
-Interesting.
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You know, um, I have some bucks.
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-You do?
-Yeah.
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My dad saves my dividend check
every year,
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and I was planning
to never touch it,
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but actually
this maybe makes sense.
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What kind of money would I need
to sponsor the audience?
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I mean, the team.
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Well, our yearly budget is
about 13 grand.
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And to be honest,
half of that's for beer.
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We use a low-grade buzz
instead of pads.
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You know what, Mrs. Tuntley?
I'll do it.
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-Do what?
-Sponsor the team.
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You need bucks and I need butts.
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The Puck Chucks are back in biz.
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All right. Then I'll see you
at our game tomorrow night.
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It's at 8:00,
but we start drinking at 4:15.
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Henry!
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00:06:05,941 --> 00:06:07,532
So, you're really
the hockey team sponsor now?
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Yep. Check cleared this morning,
and I sent everyone
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a very fun e-card
welcoming myself to the team.
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I enjoyed the one you sent me
that said,
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"Damn, Daniel, back at it again
with a Happy Father's Day."
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I didn't understand it, but
that's what made it exciting.
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All right, I got to get
in there and size up the crowd.
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Next week,
Divi-dead-end takes center ice.
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-[Judy] What the puck?
-Judy, you made it!
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I got put in the sin bin
for nut tapping the ref again,
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but I'll be back on the ice
in a jiff.
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Uh... question.
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00:06:42,327 --> 00:06:44,018
Where are the dozens
of loyal fans?
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00:06:44,071 --> 00:06:45,553
Oh, I never said
they were loyal.
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00:06:45,647 --> 00:06:48,556
We absolutely suck this year,
so they all stopped coming.
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What the hell, Dorothy?
I need the fans back.
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I'm trying to save the Earth
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with a one-woman show here.
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Well, maybe if we made
the playoffs
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the fans would come back,
but we're in such a hockey-hole
191
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stats-wise that I think
there's a better chance
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00:06:59,978 --> 00:07:02,403
that the ref
will go for an eye exam!
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00:07:02,497 --> 00:07:04,405
That's two more in
the bucket, for you, Dot.
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00:07:04,466 --> 00:07:07,426
-I'll put two more in
your mom's bucket!
-Hey!
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00:07:07,577 --> 00:07:09,577
-[belches]
-Woof. Are you drunk?
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00:07:09,671 --> 00:07:11,579
Of course I'm drunk,
I'm playing hockey.
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00:07:11,673 --> 00:07:13,414
-Aren't you drunk?
-I'm 16.
198
00:07:13,508 --> 00:07:16,268
16 beers in?
Wow, shoot, I gotta catch up.
199
00:07:16,419 --> 00:07:18,103
-Go grab me three.
-Ugh.
200
00:07:18,330 --> 00:07:19,512
Well, I can see why
you guys can't win.
201
00:07:19,665 --> 00:07:21,255
No one's passing,
no one's defending.
202
00:07:21,349 --> 00:07:23,333
You need to play
a 200-foot game.
203
00:07:23,351 --> 00:07:24,776
You guys are barely playing
a five-foot game.
204
00:07:24,945 --> 00:07:27,929
Oh, you know hockey? I thought
you were more of a curl girl.
205
00:07:28,097 --> 00:07:30,356
Oh, I'm not allowed
anywhere near curling anymore.
206
00:07:30,509 --> 00:07:31,933
It's the finest game
in the world,
207
00:07:32,027 --> 00:07:33,452
but it makes me a full psycho.
208
00:07:33,603 --> 00:07:35,787
[grunting]
209
00:07:36,531 --> 00:07:38,439
What? You guys are fighting
with each other?
210
00:07:38,459 --> 00:07:39,699
Dot, you're in.
211
00:07:39,793 --> 00:07:41,108
Wow. Where's your coach?
212
00:07:41,128 --> 00:07:42,610
-Prison.
-Oof.
213
00:07:42,629 --> 00:07:45,205
Ugh. Looks like if I want
an audience for my show,
214
00:07:45,299 --> 00:07:46,781
I'm gonna have to coach
these freaks myself.
215
00:07:46,800 --> 00:07:50,043
I wonder how many hockey teams
Greta Thunberg coaches.
216
00:07:50,195 --> 00:07:51,136
Probably a bunch.
217
00:07:51,363 --> 00:07:53,822
[Wolf] Well,
our dividend money
218
00:07:53,824 --> 00:07:54,956
is ready to pump some iron.
219
00:07:55,050 --> 00:07:57,050
And our gym name
absolutely rules.
220
00:07:57,202 --> 00:07:58,793
And I can't wait
to start each day
221
00:07:58,812 --> 00:08:00,812
getting a couples' green drink
at the smoothie stand
222
00:08:00,964 --> 00:08:02,147
and then ending it by wringing
223
00:08:02,316 --> 00:08:03,297
the sweat out of
each other's headbands.
224
00:08:03,391 --> 00:08:04,724
Ooh, and whenever
we have a break,
225
00:08:04,876 --> 00:08:06,710
let's spend it
walking hand in hand
226
00:08:06,728 --> 00:08:08,135
on the side-by-side treadmills.
227
00:08:08,155 --> 00:08:10,171
Oh, I've been thinking
on what our vibe should be.
228
00:08:10,173 --> 00:08:12,048
And here's what I've got: gains.
229
00:08:12,141 --> 00:08:13,383
Gains. Love it.
230
00:08:13,401 --> 00:08:14,901
Getting gains, offering gains,
231
00:08:15,053 --> 00:08:16,328
just gains all day.
232
00:08:16,555 --> 00:08:17,979
We are really using
our dividends
233
00:08:18,073 --> 00:08:19,239
to give back to the people,
234
00:08:19,333 --> 00:08:20,982
and what
we're giving them is gains.
235
00:08:21,001 --> 00:08:24,169
This place really has it all:
two treadmills, little towels
236
00:08:24,396 --> 00:08:25,562
rolled up in
a sweaty bowl of ice...
237
00:08:25,655 --> 00:08:27,914
And our rad motivational poster
that says
238
00:08:28,066 --> 00:08:29,674
"It's Jacked O'clock Somewhere."
239
00:08:29,901 --> 00:08:31,584
Not to mention
a full-on smoothie bar.
240
00:08:31,678 --> 00:08:33,178
Hey, you guys ready to blend up
241
00:08:33,329 --> 00:08:35,255
some sick smoothies
in the old outhouse
242
00:08:35,407 --> 00:08:36,740
-or what?
-Yes, Chef.
243
00:08:36,758 --> 00:08:38,575
That's just one of
the fun restaurant things
244
00:08:38,668 --> 00:08:41,335
-we learned to say from TV.
-All right, time to blast
245
00:08:41,355 --> 00:08:43,930
some C+C Music Factory
and get ready for
246
00:08:44,082 --> 00:08:45,415
that after-work rush.
247
00:08:45,433 --> 00:08:48,251
Hi. I saw your ad
in the Lone Moose Wind.
248
00:08:48,270 --> 00:08:50,420
I've been wanting
to get some gains.
249
00:08:50,422 --> 00:08:51,921
Is this that kind of a gym?
250
00:08:52,015 --> 00:08:54,774
Boy, is it. You're about
to get rock-hard, brother.
251
00:08:54,868 --> 00:08:56,034
Oh, hell yeah.
252
00:08:56,261 --> 00:08:58,278
This is it. This is the one.
253
00:08:58,430 --> 00:09:00,947
We use this to sneak
right past the Russki navy,
254
00:09:01,099 --> 00:09:03,099
next thing you know,
we're sittin' on Putin's lap
255
00:09:03,118 --> 00:09:04,617
snipping his nuts off.
256
00:09:04,711 --> 00:09:06,044
I love it, but let's not buy
257
00:09:06,195 --> 00:09:07,879
the first rotted-out
Soviet submarine
258
00:09:08,031 --> 00:09:09,272
that catches our eye.
259
00:09:09,291 --> 00:09:10,957
Let's go over to
the boat yard in Whippleton,
260
00:09:11,034 --> 00:09:13,385
Naval-tons,
and do some comparison shopping.
261
00:09:13,536 --> 00:09:16,629
Great call. Maybe they got
a midsized aircraft carrier.
262
00:09:16,782 --> 00:09:18,948
Willkómmen. Bienvenue.
263
00:09:18,967 --> 00:09:20,374
♪ Welcome. ♪
264
00:09:20,394 --> 00:09:21,785
Why are we having
hockey practice here?
265
00:09:21,803 --> 00:09:23,544
-And why aren't we drunk?
-Oh!
266
00:09:23,564 --> 00:09:25,212
I'll be the one
asking the questions.
267
00:09:25,232 --> 00:09:26,639
My theater exercises work
on the stage,
268
00:09:26,792 --> 00:09:28,049
and they'll work on the ice.
269
00:09:28,143 --> 00:09:31,385
Now, do you remember
what it feels like to win?
270
00:09:31,463 --> 00:09:33,296
I do. It was a summer day.
271
00:09:33,315 --> 00:09:34,314
And she smiled at me--
272
00:09:34,390 --> 00:09:36,316
Ugh, no,
not like that, Santiago!
273
00:09:36,392 --> 00:09:37,650
I mean win at hockey.
274
00:09:37,744 --> 00:09:38,802
Oh. No.
275
00:09:38,895 --> 00:09:40,470
Look, I decided
to sponsor this team
276
00:09:40,563 --> 00:09:42,414
because I was told
you have fans,
277
00:09:42,641 --> 00:09:45,066
and I want to force those fans
to watch my one-woman show
278
00:09:45,143 --> 00:09:46,233
about Big Oil dividends.
279
00:09:46,328 --> 00:09:47,977
But in order to get
the fans back,
280
00:09:47,996 --> 00:09:49,495
you guys have to start winning.
281
00:09:49,664 --> 00:09:50,922
So I'm taking over as coach,
282
00:09:50,999 --> 00:09:52,591
and I'm making
some big changes around here.
283
00:09:52,742 --> 00:09:54,500
-First of all, no more drinking.
-[beer cracks open]
284
00:09:54,653 --> 00:09:57,429
-Mrs. Tuntley!
-It's Miller Lite. Grow up.
285
00:09:57,580 --> 00:10:00,156
-What's in the other one?
-Bourbon.
286
00:10:00,325 --> 00:10:01,825
Put it down,
and get up here on stage.
287
00:10:01,843 --> 00:10:05,395
It's time to start acting
like a hockey team.
288
00:10:09,501 --> 00:10:10,516
Okay, now, if you're gonna
start working as a team,
289
00:10:10,669 --> 00:10:12,444
I need you to learn
a little saying
290
00:10:12,520 --> 00:10:14,279
we have in my improv group,
Nutty Nutty Boing Boing,
291
00:10:14,356 --> 00:10:16,522
and that saying is, "Yes and."
292
00:10:16,675 --> 00:10:20,101
-Well, that's dumb.
-Yes... and you're wrong.
293
00:10:20,120 --> 00:10:21,678
Today we're not
gonna pass a puck around.
294
00:10:21,696 --> 00:10:23,104
We're gonna pass words around.
295
00:10:23,198 --> 00:10:25,439
And tell a story
one word at a time.
296
00:10:25,533 --> 00:10:26,791
I'll start. I...
297
00:10:27,018 --> 00:10:28,960
-Hate...
-This.
298
00:10:29,112 --> 00:10:30,128
Judy... is dumb!
299
00:10:30,279 --> 00:10:31,354
-One word.
-Fine.
300
00:10:31,447 --> 00:10:33,706
-Judy...
-Is...
-Very...
301
00:10:33,800 --> 00:10:35,859
-Very...
Dumb! See? Teamwork.
302
00:10:35,952 --> 00:10:38,711
We told a story. Now let's
work on our animal spines.
303
00:10:38,864 --> 00:10:41,622
Everybody close your eyes,
and imagine an animal.
304
00:10:41,642 --> 00:10:44,959
-I can only see my Nonna's face.
-Try harder!
305
00:10:45,053 --> 00:10:49,296
-Wait. I'm Miss Piggy.
-Yes! Yes, you are!
306
00:10:49,391 --> 00:10:51,316
Chef, I asked you to prep.
307
00:10:51,393 --> 00:10:53,151
-You call this prep?
-Sorry, Chef.
308
00:10:53,302 --> 00:10:54,711
-I'm terrible.
-That's right.
309
00:10:54,729 --> 00:10:56,821
Your banana work is a joke.
310
00:10:57,048 --> 00:10:58,139
Again. Again!
311
00:10:58,233 --> 00:10:59,824
You're pushing me
to my breaking point.
312
00:11:00,051 --> 00:11:01,308
I'm hardest on the ones
I believe in the most.
313
00:11:01,328 --> 00:11:04,145
-Again!
-I'll take an Apple Proteini.
314
00:11:04,164 --> 00:11:07,499
-Chef, fire one Apple Proteini.
-One Apple Proteini all day!
315
00:11:07,726 --> 00:11:09,225
-Yes, Chef!
-Yes, Chef!
-Yes, Chef!
316
00:11:09,244 --> 00:11:11,652
-Not you.
-Sorry, Chef.
317
00:11:11,746 --> 00:11:13,821
Oh, there you are.
I wanted to let you know,
318
00:11:13,915 --> 00:11:15,581
a few people asked if they could
come work out at night,
319
00:11:15,734 --> 00:11:17,567
so even though
we are already pretty busy,
320
00:11:17,660 --> 00:11:19,511
-now we're open 24/7.
-Amazing.
321
00:11:19,662 --> 00:11:21,921
We'll just sleep in shifts
so that our customers
322
00:11:22,015 --> 00:11:23,664
can get rock hard
around the clock.
323
00:11:23,684 --> 00:11:25,591
Ooh, the treadmills are empty.
324
00:11:25,686 --> 00:11:27,185
Should we do
that hand in hand walk--
325
00:11:27,412 --> 00:11:28,745
Ah! Give him a towel!
Give him a towel! Oh...
326
00:11:28,763 --> 00:11:30,838
I did a pretty comprehensive
327
00:11:30,932 --> 00:11:32,932
body shave,
so your drain is clogged.
328
00:11:33,068 --> 00:11:35,360
Oh, and, uh, so is the toilet.
It wasn't me.
329
00:11:35,511 --> 00:11:38,087
Back to the house I go
for a plunger.
330
00:11:38,106 --> 00:11:39,698
Couples treadmill raincheck.
331
00:11:40,683 --> 00:11:42,775
Come on, don't look so down,
Jude. Maybe we'll get a tie.
332
00:11:42,869 --> 00:11:46,705
Ties are for Little League and
Diane Keaton's formal attire.
333
00:11:46,932 --> 00:11:49,040
Hey! Hey! Listen up,
mother-chuckers!
334
00:11:49,192 --> 00:11:50,858
-It's story time!
-What!?
335
00:11:50,877 --> 00:11:53,670
Tell. Me. A. Story.
336
00:11:55,882 --> 00:11:57,882
We...
337
00:11:58,034 --> 00:12:00,034
-Are...
-Scoring...
338
00:12:00,053 --> 00:12:02,036
-A...
-[Judy] Goal!
339
00:12:02,130 --> 00:12:03,947
[Santiago]
Oh, yes.
340
00:12:03,965 --> 00:12:06,391
And scene.
341
00:12:07,619 --> 00:12:09,376
-[cheering]
-Okay, okay,
calm down, everybody.
342
00:12:09,396 --> 00:12:11,120
We've still got a lot of work
ahead of us
343
00:12:11,214 --> 00:12:15,049
to make the playoffs
so I can have my play on.
344
00:12:15,143 --> 00:12:18,719
Ah! Damn it. Ted Lasso makes it
look so easy. Four wins.
345
00:12:18,813 --> 00:12:21,072
That's how many it'll take
to get into the playoffs.
346
00:12:21,224 --> 00:12:22,240
-[gasps] Oh.
-No.
347
00:12:22,391 --> 00:12:23,908
If we want to win,
we can't let up.
348
00:12:24,060 --> 00:12:27,412
Out of those uniforms
and into these berets.
349
00:12:27,563 --> 00:12:29,489
We're heading to
the theater for extra practice.
350
00:12:29,641 --> 00:12:31,232
-Tonight, we mime.
-♪ Sports... ♪
351
00:12:31,251 --> 00:12:33,918
Let's get trapped
in a box called victory.
352
00:12:34,145 --> 00:12:35,086
♪ Sports ♪
353
00:12:35,313 --> 00:12:36,479
♪ Sports on a stage ♪
354
00:12:36,498 --> 00:12:37,830
♪ Sports, sports,
sports, sports ♪
355
00:12:37,907 --> 00:12:39,424
♪ Then you look at a snake ♪
356
00:12:39,575 --> 00:12:40,666
-[yelling]
-♪ Sports, sports ♪
357
00:12:40,819 --> 00:12:42,151
♪ Look at the scoreboard ♪
358
00:12:42,320 --> 00:12:43,928
♪ Look at the hockey ♪
359
00:12:44,155 --> 00:12:46,506
-♪ Hockey ♪
-♪ Tape stuff to a wall ♪
360
00:12:46,600 --> 00:12:48,082
-♪ That's sports, too ♪
-[buzzer blares]
361
00:12:48,101 --> 00:12:49,675
♪ Walking around ♪
362
00:12:49,828 --> 00:12:51,177
♪ Put a bottle right there ♪
363
00:12:51,271 --> 00:12:53,179
♪ Sleep in your bed ♪
364
00:12:53,331 --> 00:12:54,439
♪ Everything is sports ♪
365
00:12:54,590 --> 00:12:55,681
Animal spines!
366
00:12:55,834 --> 00:12:56,833
[howling]
367
00:12:57,002 --> 00:12:59,134
♪ More sports, more sports ♪
368
00:12:59,136 --> 00:13:01,170
-[buzzer blares]
-♪ Those lights are sports ♪
369
00:13:01,189 --> 00:13:02,188
♪ Counting is sports ♪
370
00:13:02,340 --> 00:13:04,265
Behind, behind, corner, behind!
371
00:13:04,359 --> 00:13:05,450
Four blueberries all day.
372
00:13:05,601 --> 00:13:07,101
-Eighty-six the acai.
-Yes, Chef!
373
00:13:07,120 --> 00:13:08,361
-Behind, corner, behind!
-Yes, Chef!
374
00:13:08,530 --> 00:13:10,604
♪ Sports, sports,
sports, sports ♪
375
00:13:10,624 --> 00:13:12,439
-♪ Sports, sports ♪
-[buzzer blares]
376
00:13:12,459 --> 00:13:15,109
♪ Everything is
freakin' sports! ♪
377
00:13:15,128 --> 00:13:16,795
[Judy]
All right, 30 seconds left.
378
00:13:16,871 --> 00:13:18,463
We need just
one more goal to get a win
379
00:13:18,614 --> 00:13:20,857
and give me the chance
to share Divi-dead-ends with
380
00:13:20,875 --> 00:13:23,134
-with the world
I'm going to save.
-But, Jude,
381
00:13:23,286 --> 00:13:24,544
we haven't scored
382
00:13:24,638 --> 00:13:25,862
since they put
that guy in as goalie.
383
00:13:25,955 --> 00:13:27,213
[Old Jody Jr.]
They call him No Hole,
384
00:13:27,365 --> 00:13:28,622
'cause you can't get a puck
past him.
385
00:13:28,642 --> 00:13:30,383
Also, rumor is
he doesn't have a b-hole.
386
00:13:30,459 --> 00:13:32,293
He's held in all his poop
his whole life.
387
00:13:32,312 --> 00:13:35,371
Okay, now I really wanna talk
about that, but we gotta focus!
388
00:13:35,390 --> 00:13:37,390
Here's the plan. You three,
tell No Hole a story.
389
00:13:37,542 --> 00:13:40,026
Golovkin, do that character
you did during
390
00:13:40,136 --> 00:13:41,377
our improv exercises yesterday.
391
00:13:41,470 --> 00:13:43,713
But it's not ready.
It'll never work.
392
00:13:43,882 --> 00:13:46,115
Yes, and it will.
393
00:13:50,221 --> 00:13:51,979
-You...
-Have...
394
00:13:52,073 --> 00:13:53,739
-Never...
-Pooped!
395
00:13:53,834 --> 00:13:58,152
Oh, no, I'm an old man who
accidentally got on the ice.
396
00:13:58,246 --> 00:14:01,914
Aah!
397
00:14:02,067 --> 00:14:03,399
[buzzer blares]
398
00:14:03,492 --> 00:14:05,593
[cheering]
399
00:14:06,254 --> 00:14:07,420
[Judy] Yes!
400
00:14:07,572 --> 00:14:10,181
-We're completely out of
protein powder, Chef.
401
00:14:10,333 --> 00:14:12,091
Chef, I-I have an idea.
402
00:14:12,185 --> 00:14:13,834
Huh. I used to have ideas.
403
00:14:14,003 --> 00:14:15,912
Before the kitchen
squeezed them all out of me.
404
00:14:15,930 --> 00:14:19,582
What if we used this shredded
cheese and bacon as the protein?
405
00:14:19,601 --> 00:14:21,250
My God. Do you mean...?
406
00:14:21,269 --> 00:14:23,920
Yes. Savory smoothies.
407
00:14:24,013 --> 00:14:26,513
-Never mind, it's dumb.
-It's perfect.
408
00:14:26,533 --> 00:14:29,384
We might finally get
ourselves that Michelin Star.
409
00:14:29,386 --> 00:14:31,611
Oh, definitely. Let's go kiss
near the croissants,
410
00:14:31,705 --> 00:14:34,280
which are a metaphor
for the layers of our love.
411
00:14:34,374 --> 00:14:35,448
Yes, Chef.
412
00:14:35,600 --> 00:14:37,283
-Behind, behind, corner.
-Corner, corner.
413
00:14:37,377 --> 00:14:39,043
I've got my 30-second
break right now.
414
00:14:39,195 --> 00:14:40,603
Wanna go grab
a smoothie together?
415
00:14:40,622 --> 00:14:43,882
Oh, I'd love to, but can
we do it tomorrow at 4:00 a.m.?
416
00:14:44,033 --> 00:14:45,274
Running a successful business
417
00:14:45,368 --> 00:14:46,867
sure takes
a lot out of you, huh?
418
00:14:46,887 --> 00:14:50,613
But it was a great way
to invest our dividends and...
419
00:14:50,615 --> 00:14:53,540
-I love it.
-Oh, yeah, me, too.
420
00:14:53,618 --> 00:14:54,967
Hello! Uh, excuse me.
421
00:14:55,120 --> 00:14:56,710
Is this Rock Hard Gym?
422
00:14:56,804 --> 00:14:58,137
I'm here for
a health inspection.
423
00:14:58,289 --> 00:15:00,214
Oh! Oh! No, no!
424
00:15:00,233 --> 00:15:01,399
We aren't being shut down
425
00:15:01,550 --> 00:15:03,809
because of an anonymous tip,
are we?!
426
00:15:03,904 --> 00:15:05,128
Oh, I would be so angry
427
00:15:05,130 --> 00:15:06,720
and also surprised
if that happened.
428
00:15:06,740 --> 00:15:09,482
I did in fact receive
two separate anonymous tips,
429
00:15:09,634 --> 00:15:11,409
and while I would usually
do a full inspection,
430
00:15:11,560 --> 00:15:13,636
based on the fact that
this gym is in no way licensed
431
00:15:13,655 --> 00:15:17,081
and features a restaurant
in a bathroom,
432
00:15:17,233 --> 00:15:18,750
I'm gonna go ahead
and shut 'er down.
433
00:15:18,901 --> 00:15:21,235
-Oh, no.
-Darn.
434
00:15:21,329 --> 00:15:22,453
Everyone get the hell out!
435
00:15:22,605 --> 00:15:24,589
Farewell, I'll always
remember you all
436
00:15:24,740 --> 00:15:26,240
-as Rock Hard.
-[door closes]
437
00:15:26,259 --> 00:15:28,167
Honeybee, I have a confession.
438
00:15:28,319 --> 00:15:30,094
I called in the anonymous tip.
439
00:15:30,321 --> 00:15:31,763
Uh, yeah, hon,
I called in one, too.
440
00:15:31,932 --> 00:15:33,765
-I thought that was
pretty obvious.
-You did?!
441
00:15:33,934 --> 00:15:35,675
Yeah, I mean,
it's nice to know that
442
00:15:35,769 --> 00:15:37,268
we're great at business,
but that was exhausting.
443
00:15:37,495 --> 00:15:40,271
A classic tale of
too many gains too soon.
444
00:15:40,423 --> 00:15:42,665
And we never even took
that treadmill stroll together.
445
00:15:42,684 --> 00:15:44,651
Well, are you free now?
446
00:15:47,839 --> 00:15:49,188
-Hey, guys,
you got a blow dryer?
-[yelps]
447
00:15:49,282 --> 00:15:51,765
My downstairs hairs
are damp as hell.
448
00:15:51,859 --> 00:15:52,800
Under the sink!
449
00:15:53,528 --> 00:15:54,935
[Judy]
All right, Puck Chuckers,
450
00:15:54,955 --> 00:15:56,195
I'd like to make a dramatic
451
00:15:56,364 --> 00:15:57,680
and rousing speech,
but I'm finally
452
00:15:57,682 --> 00:15:59,182
doing my important play
about dividends tonight,
453
00:15:59,275 --> 00:16:00,683
so I'm going to conserve
my energy.
454
00:16:00,776 --> 00:16:04,128
But I will say this: it's been
an honor to be your coach.
455
00:16:04,355 --> 00:16:06,038
So you're...
not our coach anymore?
456
00:16:06,132 --> 00:16:08,466
I mean, I guess I am, but
remember, I just did all of this
457
00:16:08,693 --> 00:16:10,301
because I wanted
an audience for my play.
458
00:16:10,378 --> 00:16:12,119
But we just started not sucking.
459
00:16:12,213 --> 00:16:14,864
And I know you can
keep not sucking without me.
460
00:16:14,957 --> 00:16:16,290
So, go puck 'em up.
461
00:16:16,309 --> 00:16:17,642
Okay. You, too, Judy.
462
00:16:17,793 --> 00:16:21,145
♪ Sigourney Weaver's
bountiful beaver. ♪
463
00:16:21,297 --> 00:16:25,466
And now, some entertainment
brought to you by the sponsor
464
00:16:25,560 --> 00:16:27,877
of the Puck Chuckers,
Jeffrey Tobin.
465
00:16:27,970 --> 00:16:29,378
Judy Tubin!
466
00:16:29,397 --> 00:16:31,047
No, wait, no, no.
Sorry, that's--
467
00:16:31,065 --> 00:16:32,548
Never mind, here I go.
468
00:16:32,641 --> 00:16:34,659
I am the yearly
Alaskan dividend check!
469
00:16:34,810 --> 00:16:37,903
The one you take with
your greedy little meat hooks.
470
00:16:37,998 --> 00:16:39,572
You. And you!
471
00:16:39,648 --> 00:16:41,240
I'm gonna use my
meat hooks to get a beer.
472
00:16:41,334 --> 00:16:44,002
What's that sound?
The Earth dying.
473
00:16:44,229 --> 00:16:46,078
Good, then
I don't gotta watch this!
474
00:16:46,231 --> 00:16:49,340
I've come to shame you. Shame!
475
00:16:49,492 --> 00:16:51,175
Ah! My eyes!
476
00:16:51,327 --> 00:16:52,585
-Oh! Ow.
-[laughter]
477
00:16:52,737 --> 00:16:55,346
-Hey, no, that's--
-Bring back sports!
478
00:16:55,498 --> 00:16:57,348
[all chanting]
Bring back sports!
479
00:16:57,575 --> 00:17:00,426
Bring back sports!
Bring back sports!
480
00:17:00,578 --> 00:17:02,094
[announcer]
All right, you heard 'em.
481
00:17:02,247 --> 00:17:04,731
Let's give it up
for Jeffrey Tambor!
482
00:17:09,103 --> 00:17:10,361
-[groaning]
-[knock on door]
483
00:17:10,513 --> 00:17:11,754
Oh, hey.
484
00:17:11,865 --> 00:17:15,925
Judy, we wanted to let
you know we won the game, hon.
485
00:17:15,943 --> 00:17:17,452
Neat.
486
00:17:18,395 --> 00:17:20,112
We play again tonight and, uh...
487
00:17:20,206 --> 00:17:22,448
well, we'd love to have
our coach there.
488
00:17:22,600 --> 00:17:24,267
[sighs]
Unfortunately, I have plans.
489
00:17:24,285 --> 00:17:26,269
You see, I have to lay on this
couch for the rest of my life
490
00:17:26,362 --> 00:17:28,046
while Big Oil destroys
Mother Earth
491
00:17:28,197 --> 00:17:29,196
and all that lives upon it.
492
00:17:29,215 --> 00:17:30,456
Judy, come on.
493
00:17:30,608 --> 00:17:32,550
That's not the annoying idealist
we know and love.
494
00:17:32,701 --> 00:17:35,444
Divi-dead-end
has some good ideas in it.
495
00:17:35,463 --> 00:17:37,613
And I should know,
I chaperoned rehearsal after
496
00:17:37,632 --> 00:17:40,466
-endless rehearsal.
-Okay, that's not exactly
helping.
497
00:17:40,635 --> 00:17:42,785
Well, you were honest with us
about our hockey playing,
498
00:17:42,804 --> 00:17:45,045
so I'm being honest with you
about your performing.
499
00:17:45,065 --> 00:17:46,305
You have something to say, Judy.
500
00:17:46,474 --> 00:17:48,307
Something that people need
to hear about Alaska
501
00:17:48,476 --> 00:17:49,975
and about the money
we just take,
502
00:17:50,052 --> 00:17:52,812
but the way you're saying it,
frankly, sucks.
503
00:17:52,964 --> 00:17:55,106
Yeah.
You gotta fix your delivery.
504
00:17:55,300 --> 00:17:56,482
You can't start with shame.
505
00:17:56,634 --> 00:17:58,409
You gotta start
with entertainment.
506
00:17:58,561 --> 00:18:01,304
Life is hard,
and the dividends are a treat.
507
00:18:01,322 --> 00:18:03,306
If you want to talk
people out of taking 'em,
508
00:18:03,440 --> 00:18:05,308
your show has gotta
have some treats in it, too.
509
00:18:05,401 --> 00:18:07,660
All your show needs is
some zazz.
510
00:18:07,736 --> 00:18:08,978
And since you used theater
511
00:18:09,147 --> 00:18:10,313
to help us with hockey,
512
00:18:10,331 --> 00:18:11,905
we were thinking
maybe we can use hockey
513
00:18:12,074 --> 00:18:13,332
to help you with your show.
514
00:18:13,484 --> 00:18:15,259
I mean, there's a reason
people like to watch sports.
515
00:18:15,411 --> 00:18:18,321
They're big and dumb,
but they are fun.
516
00:18:18,339 --> 00:18:20,431
So we were thinking
we help you with the zazz,
517
00:18:20,583 --> 00:18:21,933
and then we perform with you
518
00:18:22,084 --> 00:18:24,435
during the second intermission
at tonight's playoff game.
519
00:18:24,587 --> 00:18:26,270
Huh? Safety in numbers.
520
00:18:26,422 --> 00:18:29,014
They can't shoot
tee-shirt cannons at all of us.
521
00:18:29,167 --> 00:18:30,257
They only have one.
522
00:18:30,351 --> 00:18:32,835
So, what do you say, Judy?
523
00:18:32,854 --> 00:18:34,094
I say yes! And...
524
00:18:34,188 --> 00:18:35,279
I also say thank you.
525
00:18:35,431 --> 00:18:37,356
Now, let's move this furniture
526
00:18:37,508 --> 00:18:39,300
so we can expand
our performance perimeter.
527
00:18:39,360 --> 00:18:41,360
There she is.
So here's the plan.
528
00:18:41,512 --> 00:18:42,695
First, ditch the turtleneck
529
00:18:42,847 --> 00:18:45,939
and the dumb check mask
for a fun mascot costume.
530
00:18:46,033 --> 00:18:47,350
People love that.
531
00:18:47,368 --> 00:18:49,943
Who here likes
the Puck Chuckers?
532
00:18:50,112 --> 00:18:51,295
[cheering]
533
00:18:51,372 --> 00:18:53,706
And who likes the Lumberjacks?
534
00:18:53,800 --> 00:18:55,024
[booing]
535
00:18:55,042 --> 00:18:57,026
Who here likes Alaska?
536
00:18:57,044 --> 00:18:58,118
[cheering]
537
00:18:58,212 --> 00:19:00,454
Did you know
Big Oil is ruining it?
538
00:19:00,548 --> 00:19:01,955
Well, it is.
539
00:19:02,049 --> 00:19:03,307
All right, now I'm gonna
fall over and make you laugh
540
00:19:03,534 --> 00:19:06,477
while you think about that.
Oh, whoa.
541
00:19:06,646 --> 00:19:08,037
[laughter, cheering]
542
00:19:08,055 --> 00:19:10,982
Sports fans love a gal
in a short, sparkly dress.
543
00:19:11,133 --> 00:19:13,376
Lucky for you,
I was in Smurfs on Ice
544
00:19:13,469 --> 00:19:15,302
for eight months in my twenties.
545
00:19:15,321 --> 00:19:16,970
[cheering]
546
00:19:16,990 --> 00:19:19,382
And there's one thing
during a hockey game
547
00:19:19,400 --> 00:19:21,975
that you know
is gonna bring down the house.
548
00:19:22,904 --> 00:19:25,163
-Take that, Greedy Oil Pig!
-[grunts]
549
00:19:25,356 --> 00:19:27,314
That really hurt, Judy!
Great job.
550
00:19:27,333 --> 00:19:29,149
Here, put some ice on it.
551
00:19:29,243 --> 00:19:31,544
-[grunting]
-[spectators cheering]
552
00:19:32,655 --> 00:19:33,579
[Judy yells]
553
00:19:33,731 --> 00:19:36,916
And finally,
you give 'em free stuff.
554
00:19:37,068 --> 00:19:38,250
Shirt me!
555
00:19:38,344 --> 00:19:41,012
-Oh!
-[spectators laugh]
556
00:19:41,163 --> 00:19:43,639
-[cheering, whooping]
-Yes!
557
00:19:45,410 --> 00:19:48,077
Well, Jude, turns out
everyone was pretty happy
558
00:19:48,095 --> 00:19:49,261
to endure your art.
559
00:19:49,414 --> 00:19:50,930
Yeah. One woman even said
560
00:19:51,006 --> 00:19:52,748
my show convinced her
to donate her dividend check
561
00:19:52,767 --> 00:19:55,175
to a good cause this year
instead of spending it all
562
00:19:55,195 --> 00:19:56,936
on cameos from Mark Cuban.
563
00:19:57,088 --> 00:19:57,862
You convinced us, too.
564
00:19:58,089 --> 00:19:59,197
Yeah, we're totes donating
565
00:19:59,348 --> 00:20:01,440
-our dividend check next year.
-Wow.
566
00:20:01,592 --> 00:20:02,700
I mean, I wanted my show
567
00:20:02,851 --> 00:20:04,685
to take down Big Oil entirely
and save Alaska,
568
00:20:04,704 --> 00:20:07,538
but changing three people's
minds is pretty neat, too.
569
00:20:07,690 --> 00:20:10,524
That's the spirit.
And hey, the Puck Chuckers won.
570
00:20:10,618 --> 00:20:12,618
Well, technically, the other
team got so sloshed
571
00:20:12,787 --> 00:20:15,438
during our show, several of
them fell asleep on the ice,
572
00:20:15,440 --> 00:20:16,789
-but a win is a win.
-[horn honks]
573
00:20:16,883 --> 00:20:19,366
[Beef]
Ah, I believe our ride is here.
574
00:20:19,444 --> 00:20:20,609
So you guys really bought that?
575
00:20:20,628 --> 00:20:22,202
You bet your ass we did.
576
00:20:22,296 --> 00:20:24,630
Now let's ride it home.
577
00:20:24,724 --> 00:20:26,724
♪ ♪
578
00:20:28,210 --> 00:20:30,061
♪ Corner, corner, yes, behind ♪
579
00:20:30,288 --> 00:20:31,896
♪ Hands, hands, yes, behind ♪
580
00:20:32,123 --> 00:20:33,880
♪ Yes, Chef, yes, Chef ♪
581
00:20:33,900 --> 00:20:35,733
♪ Corner, corner, yes, behind ♪
582
00:20:35,884 --> 00:20:37,902
♪ Now let's stahj
this family style ♪
583
00:20:38,129 --> 00:20:39,812
♪ Yes, Chef, yes, Chef ♪
584
00:20:39,906 --> 00:20:43,649
♪ Heard, Chef, heard, Chef,
hands all day ♪
585
00:20:43,743 --> 00:20:45,076
♪ Fire the apps ♪
586
00:20:45,303 --> 00:20:47,486
♪ Now let's brigade ♪
587
00:20:47,638 --> 00:20:49,305
♪ Corner, corner, yes, behind ♪
588
00:20:49,398 --> 00:20:50,823
♪ Let's all lose
our freaking minds ♪
589
00:20:50,917 --> 00:20:53,251
♪ Yes, Chef,
yes, Chef ♪
590
00:20:53,327 --> 00:20:55,311
♪ Yes, Chef, yes, Chef. ♪
591
00:20:55,329 --> 00:20:57,404
Captioning sponsored by
BENTO BOX ENTERTAINMENT
592
00:20:57,423 --> 00:20:59,674
and TOYOTA.