♪ Look up there ♪
♪ What do you see? ♪
♪ Nature and stuff ♪
- ♪ Like a rock ♪ - ♪ And a tree ♪
♪ Oh, the Great North ♪
♪ Way up here, you can breathe the air ♪
♪ Catch some fish ♪
♪ Or gaze at a bear ♪
♪ Wow ♪
♪ Oh, the Great North ♪
♪ Here we live, oh, oh ♪
♪ Here we'll stay, oh, whoo ♪
♪ From longest night to longest day ♪
♪ In the Great North. ♪
[cheering]
♪ All the nets are in, my traps are checked. ♪
[phone rings]
- Hello? - Beef cheeks, it's Carissa.
Me and Dorothy and Marie are going to Gals Guzzle Free Night
at the Daiquiri Cave in Kenai. You wanna come?
Gonna be a lotta sturdy broads there!
Oh, I wish but... my... nets are tangled,
and my traps are on fire. Uh-oh!
[chuckles nervously] Uh, so got to take a rain check.
Beef, I love you, but you're a terrible liar.
You should be meetin' some bishes instead
of catchin' fishes, but your loss.
Smell you later.
[sighs]
Time to unwind after a full day of fishing
with a little more fishing.
[chuckles, grunts]
[creaking]
Oh, no.
Aah!
[gasping]
I'll just swim back. Oh, God, the current. [groans]
Oh, my leg is so stuck. [grunts]
Okay, think, Beef.
Your leg is stuck in the net.
You got to get untangled.
But pulling is seeming to tighten the ropes.
[shivers]
Cold water. Hypothermia.
- Probably have 15 minutes at best. - Beef.
- What? - Relax.
It's all okay.
God? Is that you?
Sorry I said I thought you were imaginary.
[chuckles] It's not God, Beef.
It's me! Your penis.
Oh, man, hypothermia must be setting in.
Wait, why do you have a southern accent?
'Cause I'm from down south.
On your body. I mean,
I was, when I was alive.
But now I'm dead. And I'm in heaven.
Me. Your beautiful body handle.
Deceased. Because you haven't used me in years.
What? That's not true. What about last month?
The latest issue of Fisherwoman's Quarterly.
That was a few minutes of fun.
I'm not talking about catchin' your own cod,
I'm talking about sex.
Sex is kinda my thing.
Well, I never have the opportunity to meet anyone.
"I never have the opportunity..." [scoffs]
You pass up opportunities all the time.
You just passed up an opportunity to go to
Gals Guzzle Free Night with Carissa.
I have ears, you know.
- You do? - Kinda.
Anyway, saying no to going to a literal Ladies Night
was the last straw for me.
It killed me. Just come join me in Heaven.
But I don't want to die.
Well, then, maybe I could help you.
- Please! - If you could also help me.
- I'll do anything. - Promise me you'll actually start living,
get me in the game?
Because I'm not asking for a lot!
I'd take a-a one-night stand.
Or, I don't know, let's say you meet a lady
at the bus station.
Y'all go to the bathroom together.
She gets you up on the changing table.
Her teeth fall out, but who cares?
Maybe that's part of it.
Wait, what am I saying? Please, help me get untangled!
Okay, the net is tangled around your left foot.
It's in a kind of a cinch knot, so slide it up your leg
to loosen it, then wiggle your foot out.
[grunting]
Holy hell.
I'm alive. I'm alive!
[panting] Sorry... I'm... late.
Uh, Beef, you okay there?
You look like the bear from The Revenant.
Uh, Dad, what happened to you?
Okay, I know this might sound bonkers,
but I had a near-death experience,
and I... saw something.
The cherubic faces of your beloved children?
No, I saw my...
...my penis in the sky, and it spoke unto me.
So you passed out, had a dream?
This was no dream, it was an epiphany.
My, uh, genital member was angry
about me not having...
- A falcon? - Sex.
And that's my cue. Glad you're okay, Dad.
I'll be on the porch not talking about this.
I'm also suppressing a scream of terror
at the prospect of discussing Dad's boudoir journey,
but I like to be perceived as sex-positive,
and I want Dad to be happy, so I'm just gonna stay here
but just nod and say "Mm... Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm."
I, on the other hand, am ready to dig in.
Father, are you saying that your downstairs dad
wants you to get a girlfriend?
He's not looking for commitment.
He's after a one-night stand.
Mm-hmm! Mm-hmm.
Maybe me and Honeybee can find you a date,
and then we can all go out together.
Ah, it's always been a dream of mine
to do some double-teaming with my dad.
I hope to God that's not what you meant to say.
Thank you for the offer, son.
But I've gleaned from TV
that if all I'm looking for is a "hooking up,"
I should just get on the... uh, applications.
Oh, yeah, if you're just after a little straddle-and-skedaddle,
then dating apps are just the ticket.
All right, once we finish dinner,
I will expose myself to the Internet.
Hey, Moon. Did you have to fart during dinner
so you came outside?
It happens to me all the time.
Just last week I had to run out of Steak 'n Shake.
Actually, the indoor conversation
got a little too grown-up for my liking.
What are you up to, Jerry?
Oh, I was just stopping by to grab
my spare Bigfoot head.
I left it over here last week.
Classy.
- May I? - Yeah.
Whoa, baby Bigfoot. Ooh, this is giving me an idea.
My gigs have slowed down a little lately,
and I could use a new gimmick.
You want to play Bigfoot's baby brother
at the birthday gig I'm headed to?
- For real? - Heck yeah, it'll be fun.
Plus, I always wanted a real-life baby brother,
but it never happened.
- So what do you say? - I'm in.
And we can split the tip.
Free money? Okay, you're already my new best big brother.
Let me go inform my family about my new life.
Okay, I uploaded the only picture we have of Dad smiling.
Remember? We took it after
you saw that monkey wearing human clothes.
[laughs] It's not what they're supposed to wear.
- So, I guess I just click this button... - [computer chimes]
- Oh, hey, you matched. - Wonderful.
What do I do-- send her a letter in the mail?
You meet her tonight at the Russian Restaurant.
And... send. If things go well, you'll be getting
an extra side of Russian un-dressing.
- [laughs] - I hope so.
Life is precious, and I cannot squander this second chance.
I must do what my trouser captain demands.
Mm-hmm! Mm-hmm...
Hello, uh...
- Tracy? - Hi.
Hi. I'm Sex Tobin.
I'm here for Beef. I mean sex.
I mean I'm here for a date.
Sex. Beef. [groans]
- Sex me. - I'm gonna go.
Oof. Rough start, but that's okay.
We got to get you back on that horse.
That sex horse. Yee-haw, Dad!
- Mm-hmm! - [computer chimes]
Ooh. Here we go.
I wonder if I've ever eaten a fish that you caught.
[laughs] That sure is fun to think about.
It is.
I hope you're enjoying your drink.
- Oh, I am. - You're welcome.
- I don't follow. - I invented cups.
You invented cups?
- Oh, yes. [laughs] - Is this a joke?
Also, I know you're... Hillary Clinton.
Mm. I can't wait to
wriggle that skin suit off you back at my place.
To be expected. You're gonna meet some people
who are bonkers in the wonkers.
Right. Back on the sex horse I sit again.
Maybe I'll get earplugs
or perhaps the Lord will take me.
Oh, here we go.
This lady looks nice and normal.
Uh, Nina?
[baby-talking] Hello, Daddy.
- My diaper was full. - Oh, no.
Beef! ♪ Here comes your bride ♪
♪ Her name is me. ♪ - Nope.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Um, Barbie?
[baby-talking] Uh-oh, I "dwopped" my pacifier, Daddy. Aw.
[Beef] Guys, I've been out every night
this week. I'm exhausted. And a new issue
of Fisherwoman's Quarterly arrived today,
so maybe I'll stay in and just read.
Beef, that last app sucked, but
I found one called Lumber Love that seems more your speed.
You're meeting a gal called Dee tonight.
She says she's gonna be wearing head-to-toe plaid.
- Well, that is a great start. - [knock on door]
Hey, guys. I'm here to pick Moon up.
Bigfoot and his little brother are a big hit.
This is our fifth party this week.
Let's go do what Bigfeet do.
Stackin' bills and delivering thrills.
[door opens]
[sighs] Well, there's my date in head-to-toe plaid.
Hey, Delmer. I think there might have been a fun little mix-up.
Oh, hell no!
[groans] Sorry, Mr. P,
- I really tried. - Ow!
Greta? What are you doing on the ground?
Oh, it's silly, I have something called cottage cheese knees.
The dumb things just give out sometimes.
I was just heading in for a drink. Are you leaving?
Buffalo Wild Wings.
That was because of the sex.
[Greta] Good morning.
Oh, wow, Beef.
You sure made a lot of bacon.
Which is great, because I'm pork deficient.
If I don't eat at least a half a pound a day,
my doctor says my hands could fall off.
I know it's just the two of us, but I set
six places out of habit.
I love it! I mean,
who doesn't love breakfast?
Well, there was my old co-worker Kedden
who used to scream at his hash browns
in the break room, but he died.
I also packed you a nutritious lunch.
So, that's there if you should want it.
I... [clears throat]
...um, haven't really, uh, had, you know,
a romantic encounter in a while.
I wasn't sure how to act.
Beef, just because we knocked galoshes
doesn't mean we have to act any differently.
- We're just friends who boned. - Friends who boned.
Okay, I like the sound of that.
Well, I have to go home
and prepare this exact same meal
for my entire family before they wake up.
- [family] Surprise! - Oh, uh...
We noticed you didn't come home last night,
so we threw a little something together for you.
Was it everything you'd hoped for?
Rose petals? Candles?
A single Hershey's kiss on your pillowcase?
- Spill. - Or, you know, don't spill. At all.
Son, those details are private.
Ah, but what the heck?
Give me a slice of that one-night-stand cake.
Why is there breakfast cake?
More like sex-fest cake. [laughs]
- Dad went all the way! - And back up I go.
Take me with you.
We did it, my penis.
We had a one-night stand. Of sex!
♪ Oh, yeah, a one-night stand of sex ♪
♪ We're just friends who boned ♪
♪ A one-night stand of sex ♪
♪ Oh, sex! ♪
Man, we're making money hand over fist.
And I'm finally getting to experience
the big brother thing.
Who knew it'd be so much fun
buying my little brother an amount of ice cream
that would make him physically sick?
- You're nailing it, Jer. - Well, hello, hello, hello.
Um... hello.
We heard you've been doing parties
around town, as a duo.
Even heard you did Ryan Ferguson's sixth birthday party.
- Uh, yeah. - Ferguson is our gig!
There's only room for one
big/little party duo in this town.
Used to be Big Cher and Little Cher.
Then someone gave 'em a pair of concrete wigs.
Now the only big/little duo is us. Capisce?
Okay, that was freaky.
Don't worry about it, little bro.
They're just party entertainers.
Yeah, what's the worst they could do--
hit us with a bucket of confetti?
Or make us a delightful balloon animal?
Honestly, I'd welcome it.
- [Judy] Mm... - Good morning, my fine family.
What are you looking at?
- Hi, Dad. - Morning.
- Uh, nothing. - Uh, Dad,
if you're thinking about reading
the Poetry Corner, don't bother.
It's just dumb.
But today's obituaries are popping off.
Don't be ridiculous, Judy.
You know Poetry Corner is always my first stop
after I read the date.
"October 14th."
[chuckles] Pretty good.
Hey! Uh, should we all go on a road trip?
Huh? Vegas?
- Let's go! - Not now, son.
And I'd thank you not to throw keys at my head.
Today's poem: "Red Meat No Gristle,
"Late Night Guided Missile.
By... Greta Meatweep"?
Hmm. "When he helped me up in the parking lot,
"suddenly things got very hot.
"In the darkness entwined, on each other, we dined.
"I was disrobing,
he was... Beef Tobin."
Oh, my God.
[Wolf] "Bedclothes askew;
"aroma, Beef stew.
"Night gives way to dawn,
- and yet our lovemaking goes on." - [groans]
- [groaning] - Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Very cool!
I wanted a discreet one-night stand,
not to be the star of a literary sex tape.
Dad, you got to celebrate your accomplishments.
This poem is going right up on the fridge.
[groans] I listened to my sky member,
and now I'm the town trollop.
Dad, relax.
I don't think anyone is gonna care much about this.
When Crispin and I started dating
we thought we'd be the talk of the town--
you know, being a new couple in a small Alaskan village--
but people moved on pretty quickly.
Frankly, a little more quickly
than my ego was comfortable with.
And, Beef, I didn't even know
there was a poetry corner in the Lone Moose Wind.
I bet no one's even read this.
You're probably right.
I mean, kids today, with their video games
and their LinkedIns, and their... kites.
I'm sure nobody cares about my sex-capades.
[groaning] Mm-hmm. [squealing] Mm-hmm!
I'm just gonna go run my errands and, uh,
not give it a second thought.
♪ ♪
[Ham] Dad? You okay?
You're sitting on your brooding log.
I was in town, and it seems like many other ladies
wanted me to dip my...
beef taquito in their lady queso.
[groaning] Mm-hmm.
Which I know a lot of guys would dig,
but being the center of attention
just isn't my style.
Dad, if you don't like all the attention,
you should go talk to Greta.
She should know that you'd rather keep
any further rhyming couplets about your romp private.
All right, Hamjam. When did you become so wise?
Oh, uh, about three years ago.
[Moon] Pretty crazy that we've done
three parties for this family in one week.
[Jerrybee] Yeah, they always give little Jay-Jay three parties.
He's gonna grow up to be a monster.
Hey, what in the...
I think those damn clowns pied your car.
[engine starts]
- [honks horn] Honk-honk, bitch. - Aah!
Oh! How'd you get in here?
You just couldn't leave well enough alone, could you?
Since you boys can't take a hint,
here's an ultimatum: Costume Battle.
Woods. Tomorrow night. You. Us.
Couple other guys. Derek's a maybe.
Appetizers, but not a meal. You get the picture.
What the hell's a costume battle?
It's how us local party entertainers
settle this kind of score.
Winner gets to keep their act. Loser loses theirs.
[grunts]
Boy, these clowns make the one from It seem chill.
I hope no one was watching them leave.
Be real disappointing to see
only two clowns get out of a car.
Hello, Greta. I read your poem.
Oh, you did? I'm so glad.
I was so stirred by our lovemaking
that I was finally able to rhyme.
Would you like to come in?
I, uh...
Yes, Beef?
Yes...
[Ham] So...
based on this second very graphic poem,
I'm guessing you didn't tell Greta
that you didn't love the first one?
Well, I tried, but no.
Let me guess-- you made significant eye contact
and then just boned again.
- We did. - Hoo...
"More Beef Broth Overfloweth My Trough,
by Greta Meatweep."
It's a great title for the sequel.
Wait. Let me just brace myself.
Okay. Proceed.
"Prime rib sandwich, open face.
Mid-day gravy, hot embrace."
[straining] No! No!
Nope, nope, nope! Sorry, I tried to be cool,
but I am not this cool. Good luck, Dad.
And I am going to go upstairs to my room
and then out the window to a therapist!
[cackling]
And I shall go to my room.
For the foreseeable future,
I shall moor my personal watercraft
in the safe harbor of my own underpants.
Hey, Judy, you want to bring the table piece back?
I could get started fixing it.
[loud rock music playing in distance]
[Jerrybee] Huh. This seems kind of bad.
Uh-huh. And I think you'll share my concern--
- where are the frickin' appetizers? - Oh, there's Noodie the Noodle.
Looks like he's been hitting the sauce pretty hard.
- Didn't think you'd show up. - Yeah, we showed up.
And you messed up by messing with
my Big Bigfoot Bro.
Go on, Jerry. Get 'em!
Oh, Moon! No, no, no, no. Don't say that.
- Uh, I-I'm not-- - All right.
Here's how this goes down.
First we strip down to our underwear
so we don't stain our costumes with blood.
Then we fistfight.
Then winners burn the losers' costumes.
But first, everybody gets ten minutes
to do whatever drugs they want.
Moon, look.
I think I've been so focused on being a fun brother
that I forgot about the other big brother stuff,
like protecting you.
I mean, taking you to a clearing in the woods
with a bunch of psychopaths?
That's not ideal big brother behavior.
I think it might be time to retire our Bigfoot team.
But maybe we could just hang out sometimes.
Oh, definitely.
Okay. When I say, "Run," run.
- Run! - Hey!
Get back here!
- Where are you going? - [honks]
I'll miss you...!
[Ham] Okay.
Yeah, this is bad.
Very, very bad.
Morning, my sibs.
Uh-oh. Your plates are saying flapjacks,
but your faces are saying, "Oh, crap."
"My Eager Vegan by Greta Meatweep"?
"Your long blonde rattail glistening in the sun.
Your lips like silken tofu, your patchouli-soaked man bun."
Uh-oh. This poem is not about your dad.
[Ham] "Truffle hunting at night,
"my garden delight. I unearthed his carrot,
and with glee he did share it."
I know this poem's not about Dad,
but I still hate it.
Looks like Greta took a veggie dip.
Dad's gonna be devastated.
He's just gotten himself
back on the market and now he's being recalled.
- Gee! Hi-hi, hi. - [stammering] Hi.
[chuckles nervously] Hi, Dad.
What, uh... What's going on?
Oh, th-th-the...
whole yard is-is on fire,
so... you better... go...
Oh. I see.
Excuse me.
- Oh, no, Greta broke his heart. - I'll go after him.
- Wolf, no. - But he's sad.
Yes, Wolf, probably.
But look, Dad chose to sleep with somebody.
Twice. And it got complicated.
But as someone who has had to think about
this kind of relationship and sex crap
from the time he was... [scoffs] 12
and first saw a Knight Rider rerun...
Hasselhoff. Vroom-vroom, baby.
Exactly. And that car was no slouch, either.
Look, as a gay dude, I always knew that
my love life might bring me a bit of, mm... scrutiny.
But the other choice-- hiding away-- kind of sucks.
And we got to let Dad process that.
Even if it means he lives in the shed for a month or two,
mumbling and eating cold spaghetti.
Okay, then, batten down the hatches.
It's about to get very forlorn around here.
Come on, Penis, show yourself. We need to talk.
Ugh, maybe I have to be at risk of death.
I guess I have to get in.
Oh, no! I'm in danger. I could die.
Beef! My man! What is up?
I am really proud of you.
You're the conductor of the Bone Town Express.
Choo-choo!
No. I am not that.
Although I do like trains. But I'm upset.
Oh. Is it because Greta took another lover?
The vegan?
How do you know that?
Beef, I'm a part of you.
I know everything you do.
I know you're about to fart right now.
Well, you're wro-- Oh.
[chuckles] See?
So, what's the big deal about Greta?
You jealous?
No. And that's what I'm upset about.
I was always kind of jealous of Kathleen,
so why am I not devastated
that I'm not Greta's only boy toy?
Has having casual sex turned me into some kind of a lothario?
Beef, if you want answers,
you need to talk to the guy who sent me.
No offense to me, but I am pretty dumb.
Someone sent you?
Your heart sent me.
- Hey, Heart. - Oh, hey, fellas.
I was just thinking about this cat I saw once
that only had three paws.
He rode around on a little scooter.
- He was so brave. - 'Sup, Dennis.
My heart's name is Dennis?
- Your name is Beef? - Fair.
Beef, it's not just your down-below dangler
that's been dead for years.
It's me, too.
What? I use you all the time.
I-I love the kids. And the boat.
And that cat with the three paws.
I remember when we saw Jangles on that website.
Beef, I'm talking about romantic love.
I haven't gotten to feel that in years.
Okay, but then why'd you send my wiener?
Come on, Beef, we all know the saying,
"The penis is the gateway to the heart."
That's not a saying.
Sure it is. I have it on a bumper sticker.
You have a car?
Sort of. Well, it's complicated.
Look, Beef, the point is, if you don't start
getting your old rod and reel back in the game,
then I have no chance, either.
And we've got a lot of good years ahead of us.
So you're saying that if I keep
- doing the deed... - Hell yeah!
...you can handle that, Dennis?
I mean, you were really messed up
back when you-know-who ran off.
Oh, yeah. I was a disaster.
Remember how we used to have to lie down in the shower
every time an Air Supply song came on?
We were both hanging on by our fingertips.
But I'm better now.
Hmm. I guess that's true.
These days, when I hear Air Supply,
I just turn the radio off
and sometimes rub a cool rag across my forehead.
We're just asking you not to fish your whole life away
while your friends go to Gals Guzzle Free Night.
Okay, I'll do what you guys want and get out there again.
Yes! But, Beef, it's actually what you want.
'Cause we're you, ding-dong.
Hey, since we're gonna be getting back out there again,
maybe we call that doll lady, huh?
- No. - [Beef] Absolutely not.
But I will keep trying. I promise.
All right, well, we'll be seeing you around, Beef.
Bye, player.
Don't be afraid to reach out.
Wait, my penis. I never got your name.
It's Cindy...!
Thanks for all the support through the years,
Captain Christy Covington,
beast of bass fishing and three-time cover girl.
But I got this now.
You know what? A man can change his mind.
♪ The penis is the gateway to the heart ♪
♪ I'm your johnson ♪
♪ And I'm where you should start ♪
♪ I'm here to hold your hand through love ♪
♪ And I'm closer to your farts ♪
♪ It's me ♪
♪ The downsouth Donald ♪
♪ That's the gateway to your heart ♪
♪ People see me hanging around ♪
♪ Think I'm up to nothing good ♪
♪ But I have schemes and dreams, you know ♪
♪ I'm not just made of wood ♪
♪ Not just made of wood ♪
♪ Get to know me better ♪
♪ And you'll see I can unlock ♪
♪ The golden road to that hunky dude ♪
♪ The one that beats ticktock ♪
♪ I'm the penis, the gateway to your heart. ♪