1 00:00:01,543 --> 00:00:03,169 ♪ Look up there ♪ 2 00:00:03,169 --> 00:00:05,922 - ♪ What do you see? ♪ - ♪ Nature and stuff ♪ 3 00:00:05,922 --> 00:00:07,590 - ♪ Like a rock ♪ - ♪ And a tree ♪ 4 00:00:07,590 --> 00:00:10,719 ♪ Hup, the Great North ♪ 5 00:00:10,719 --> 00:00:13,763 {\an8}♪ Way up here, you can breathe the air ♪ ♪ Hup, hey, oh ♪ 6 00:00:13,763 --> 00:00:16,891 {\an8}- ♪ Catch some fish ♪ - ♪ Or gaze at a bear ♪ 7 00:00:16,891 --> 00:00:17,892 {\an8}♪ Wow ♪ 8 00:00:17,892 --> 00:00:21,104 {\an8}♪ Hup, the Great North ♪ 9 00:00:21,104 --> 00:00:23,106 ♪ Here we live ♪ ♪ Hup, oh ♪ 10 00:00:23,106 --> 00:00:24,357 - ♪ Here we'll stay ♪ - ♪ Whoo ♪ 11 00:00:24,357 --> 00:00:26,192 ♪ From longest night to longest day ♪ 12 00:00:26,192 --> 00:00:29,237 ♪ In the Great North ♪ 13 00:00:35,285 --> 00:00:37,287 {\an8}Now remember, people are gonna see this banner 14 00:00:37,287 --> 00:00:40,123 {\an8}right when they walk in the door for the Lil Prommers Prom Prep 15 00:00:40,123 --> 00:00:42,834 {\an8}for Lil Preppers Practice Prom, so it can't be crooked. 16 00:00:42,834 --> 00:00:44,419 {\an8}Okay, how does that look? 17 00:00:44,419 --> 00:00:45,962 {\an8}Uh, perfect. 18 00:00:45,962 --> 00:00:48,882 {\an8}- Meow. Meow. - Moon, you okay there? 19 00:00:48,882 --> 00:00:51,718 {\an8}You only involuntarily meow when you're extremely stressed. 20 00:00:51,718 --> 00:00:52,927 {\an8}I'm not stressed. 21 00:00:52,927 --> 00:00:55,013 {\an8}- Meow. - Oh, I see. 22 00:00:55,013 --> 00:00:56,973 {\an8}Is today the day you ask Quinn to the dance? 23 00:00:56,973 --> 00:00:59,059 {\an8}Oh, boy. It's good that he's just meowing. 24 00:00:59,059 --> 00:01:00,643 {\an8}We'll know he's really nervous if he-- 25 00:01:01,811 --> 00:01:02,896 {\an8}Aw, come on, Moon! 26 00:01:02,896 --> 00:01:03,980 {\an8}As a fellow Prepper, 27 00:01:03,980 --> 00:01:06,232 {\an8}I'm sure you've run through every possible scenario. 28 00:01:06,232 --> 00:01:08,401 {\an8}- What's the worst thing that could happen? - I die. 29 00:01:08,401 --> 00:01:09,694 {\an8}I'm sure she'll say yes. 30 00:01:09,694 --> 00:01:11,905 {\an8}You're one of the top ten most eligible Preppers. 31 00:01:11,905 --> 00:01:14,574 {\an8}You're smart. You're funny. You own your own bear suit. 32 00:01:14,574 --> 00:01:15,867 {\an8}Moon, go. 33 00:01:15,867 --> 00:01:19,245 {\an8}Hey, Quinn, it's Moon. From school? 34 00:01:19,245 --> 00:01:21,831 {\an8}Hi, Moon. I knew it was you, because of how I can see you. 35 00:01:21,831 --> 00:01:22,957 {\an8}Cool. Cool. 36 00:01:22,957 --> 00:01:24,584 {\an8}Anyway, I was just thinking, um, 37 00:01:24,584 --> 00:01:27,796 {\an8}I'm going to the Lil Prommers Prom Prep for Lil Preppers Practice Prom. 38 00:01:27,796 --> 00:01:31,174 {\an8}You're going to the Lil Prommers Prom Prep for Lil Preppers Practice Prom, 39 00:01:31,174 --> 00:01:33,259 {\an8}so what if we went together? 40 00:01:33,259 --> 00:01:34,636 {\an8}Oh. No. 41 00:01:34,636 --> 00:01:37,555 No. No. No. No. 42 00:01:38,640 --> 00:01:39,516 {\an8}Meow. 43 00:01:39,516 --> 00:01:41,392 Oh, my God, everybody, 44 00:01:41,392 --> 00:01:44,312 {\an8}Moon just asked Quinn to the dance, but she said no. 45 00:01:45,855 --> 00:01:47,899 {\an8}Oh, God, he mooed a meow! 46 00:01:47,899 --> 00:01:49,818 {\an8}Does anyone know the science on that? 47 00:01:51,528 --> 00:01:53,738 {\an8}Maybe it would have been better if he died. 48 00:01:54,531 --> 00:01:58,159 {\an8}Son, I ironed your suit for the Lil Practice Prommers-- Ah. 49 00:01:58,159 --> 00:02:01,496 {\an8}I see you're packing your most prized possessions into a duffel bag. 50 00:02:01,496 --> 00:02:03,456 {\an8}I assume this means you're going off-grid? 51 00:02:03,456 --> 00:02:05,667 {\an8}- Yep. - Well, may I ask what triggered 52 00:02:05,667 --> 00:02:07,460 {\an8}this latest rupture with society? 53 00:02:07,460 --> 00:02:10,588 {\an8}School? Siblings? Social circle? Lady troubles? 54 00:02:10,588 --> 00:02:12,715 Troubles doesn't begin to describe it. 55 00:02:12,715 --> 00:02:16,761 Mmm, I see. I fear I also have been in your shoes. 56 00:02:16,761 --> 00:02:18,638 I wish I could make this better for you, 57 00:02:18,638 --> 00:02:22,642 but some time in the woods alone is indeed one of the only known cures. 58 00:02:22,642 --> 00:02:24,602 Thank you. I'll need that headlamp, 59 00:02:24,602 --> 00:02:27,772 and that family-size bag of Captain Aloof's Cheezy Poofs, please. 60 00:02:27,772 --> 00:02:30,817 The weather band said a Chinook wind might blow through tonight. 61 00:02:30,817 --> 00:02:34,320 So I would also ask you to take a walkie-talkie in case of emergency. 62 00:02:34,320 --> 00:02:38,158 All right, but where I'm going, it's gonna be a lot more walkie than talkie. 63 00:02:38,158 --> 00:02:39,367 Goodbye, Father. 64 00:02:39,367 --> 00:02:42,203 Remember to report to the van at 0800 hours. 65 00:02:42,203 --> 00:02:45,999 You may go off the grid, but not off the school attendance list. 66 00:02:46,791 --> 00:02:48,668 Ah. This is the life. 67 00:02:48,668 --> 00:02:51,171 And with each moment, I care less and less 68 00:02:51,171 --> 00:02:54,757 about you-know-who saying you-know-what about the little you-know-what prep 69 00:02:54,757 --> 00:02:56,593 for you-know-what practice you-know-what. 70 00:02:58,761 --> 00:03:00,346 Oh. 71 00:03:00,346 --> 00:03:01,472 Chinook wind. 72 00:03:02,682 --> 00:03:05,602 Nice try, nature. You're not gonna get rid of me that easy! 73 00:03:06,811 --> 00:03:09,480 Mysterious figure in a gas mask and hazmat suit 74 00:03:09,480 --> 00:03:10,773 running through the woods? 75 00:03:10,773 --> 00:03:13,776 Oh, you better believe I'm gonna see where the hell this leads. 76 00:03:23,203 --> 00:03:25,997 Code Wintermint! 77 00:03:26,789 --> 00:03:28,750 Wintermint. Wintermint. 78 00:03:28,750 --> 00:03:31,878 "Wintermint: Mysterious figure in gas mask sighted on Tobin property 79 00:03:31,878 --> 00:03:34,088 disappearing into locked hatch in the ground!" 80 00:03:34,088 --> 00:03:37,926 This is why I never remove my under-poncho during rainy season. 81 00:03:37,926 --> 00:03:40,678 Ah, man, you guys woke me up from the craziest dream. 82 00:03:40,678 --> 00:03:44,682 The Mucinex Booger made me dinner, but we couldn't eat until I sneezed. 83 00:03:44,682 --> 00:03:46,768 And then I did, and it was such a good sneeze 84 00:03:46,768 --> 00:03:49,270 that the Mucinex Booger was crying! 85 00:03:49,270 --> 00:03:51,356 And now I'm in the woods with a frying pan. 86 00:03:51,356 --> 00:03:54,776 Judy, uh, what's the, uh, book for? Y-You gonna use it as a weapon? 87 00:03:54,776 --> 00:03:57,028 {\an8}Maybe. It's 1001 Irish Jokes. 88 00:03:57,028 --> 00:03:58,571 {\an8}If he's Irish, he could be devastated. 89 00:03:58,571 --> 00:04:00,907 Okay, weapons ready. We're almost there. 90 00:04:00,907 --> 00:04:03,201 The hatch door is camouflaged to look like the ground. 91 00:04:03,201 --> 00:04:05,620 That's probably why we never noticed it before. 92 00:04:05,620 --> 00:04:08,456 Attention, trespasser, please show yourself. 93 00:04:08,456 --> 00:04:10,416 Nice try, ya crummy commies! 94 00:04:10,416 --> 00:04:11,668 You'll never take me alive! 95 00:04:11,668 --> 00:04:15,088 Uh, we are not commies, and we mean you no harm. 96 00:04:15,088 --> 00:04:16,172 What is your name? 97 00:04:16,172 --> 00:04:18,549 My name's Mind Your Own Business, Boris, 98 00:04:18,549 --> 00:04:20,593 nuclear mutant of the eternal wasteland! 99 00:04:20,593 --> 00:04:23,972 And my name is Beef Tobin. You're on my property. 100 00:04:23,972 --> 00:04:26,683 Did you say Beef Tobin? - Affirmative. 101 00:04:26,683 --> 00:04:29,852 If you're a Tobin, then prove it. Do the Tobin handshake. 102 00:04:29,852 --> 00:04:31,813 There is no Tobin handshake. 103 00:04:31,813 --> 00:04:34,190 Correct. That was a test, and you passed. 104 00:04:34,190 --> 00:04:36,317 I'm Dirtrude, but I just go by Dirt. 105 00:04:36,317 --> 00:04:40,363 My God! Legendary long-lost Tobin family member Aunt Dirt? 106 00:04:40,363 --> 00:04:43,199 Well, Benny Goodman's blowhole, you found me. 107 00:04:45,952 --> 00:04:48,746 Sorry for calling you commies, but you can't be too careful. 108 00:04:48,746 --> 00:04:50,540 I'd rather be apologizing to you here 109 00:04:50,540 --> 00:04:53,084 than bending the knee to Brezhnev in Moscow, 110 00:04:53,084 --> 00:04:54,294 if you know what I mean. 111 00:04:54,294 --> 00:04:55,503 Absolutely. 112 00:04:55,503 --> 00:04:57,797 Aunt Dirt, I can't believe it's really you. 113 00:04:57,797 --> 00:04:59,966 Believe it, buddy boy. Your dad's big sister. 114 00:04:59,966 --> 00:05:02,010 Dirtrude Gertrude Tobin. 115 00:05:02,010 --> 00:05:03,428 Uh-huh, uh-huh. 116 00:05:03,428 --> 00:05:06,889 So, is this place, like, your she shed or your murder dungeon? 117 00:05:06,889 --> 00:05:09,100 This is my survival bunker, dollface. 118 00:05:09,100 --> 00:05:11,394 I've lived here since the Soviets invaded America. 119 00:05:11,394 --> 00:05:13,396 - Wait. When did that happen? - It did not. 120 00:05:13,396 --> 00:05:14,480 It did. 121 00:05:14,480 --> 00:05:17,358 It was Good Friday, March 27, 1964, 122 00:05:17,358 --> 00:05:19,902 when the earth shook as their tanks rumbled ashore. 123 00:05:19,902 --> 00:05:24,866 I believe you are actually referring to the Great Alaskan Earthquake of 1964, 124 00:05:24,866 --> 00:05:27,702 during which you disappeared and were presumed dead. 125 00:05:27,702 --> 00:05:30,163 Better presumed dead than red, you know what I mean? 126 00:05:30,163 --> 00:05:33,291 Your version of off-the-grid is off the charts. 127 00:05:33,291 --> 00:05:36,377 It's amazing that you were able to survive down here this whole time. 128 00:05:36,377 --> 00:05:39,213 Survive? I thrived, short stack. 129 00:05:39,213 --> 00:05:43,426 I got everything a 25-year-old woman could ever want or need in this baby. 130 00:05:43,426 --> 00:05:46,471 Canned beans, the collected works of Ray Bradbury, 131 00:05:46,471 --> 00:05:51,309 a 1963 cheesecake calendar from Skagway Studebaker Sales and Service 132 00:05:51,309 --> 00:05:52,852 for, um, company. 133 00:05:52,852 --> 00:05:54,354 Is that-- - Yep. 134 00:05:54,354 --> 00:05:58,858 The TC 320 Carbonizer, a world-class urine filtration system. 135 00:05:58,858 --> 00:06:00,068 Wow. 136 00:06:00,068 --> 00:06:02,612 Turns my tinkle into clean, potable drinking water 137 00:06:02,612 --> 00:06:04,280 that barely even tastes like tinkle. 138 00:06:04,280 --> 00:06:05,948 Just a hint, but you want that. 139 00:06:05,948 --> 00:06:09,369 Oh, thank you so much, but I, uh, had tinkle for lunch. 140 00:06:09,369 --> 00:06:11,829 Ooh. Dr. Bojangle’s Energy Crackers. 141 00:06:12,789 --> 00:06:15,208 Ugh! These are awful. Ugh! 142 00:06:15,708 --> 00:06:17,460 And yet, I can't stop eating them. 143 00:06:17,460 --> 00:06:19,545 These crackers make me want to start a business! 144 00:06:19,545 --> 00:06:21,464 I'm talking synergy. I'm talking seed funding. 145 00:06:21,464 --> 00:06:23,049 I'm talking leverage. I'm still talking! 146 00:06:23,049 --> 00:06:25,927 Judy, uh, it looks like Dr. B.'s EC's... 147 00:06:25,927 --> 00:06:29,305 ...are mostly ephedrine, which is speed, so maybe don't eat anymore. 148 00:06:29,305 --> 00:06:31,265 Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep. Just this box. 149 00:06:31,265 --> 00:06:32,767 And, hey, Ham, let's roll some calls. 150 00:06:32,767 --> 00:06:34,394 - Get my boy Greek on the line. - On it! 151 00:06:34,394 --> 00:06:36,729 Oh, and let's have Kevin order a bunch of sushi 152 00:06:36,729 --> 00:06:38,606 for when the investors arrive. Kevin! 153 00:06:38,606 --> 00:06:42,318 Wait. So, Aunt Dirt, if you came down here in 1964, 154 00:06:42,318 --> 00:06:44,654 does that mean you've never seen a single movie? 155 00:06:44,654 --> 00:06:47,782 - Babe, they had movies before 1964. - That can't be right. 156 00:06:47,782 --> 00:06:49,367 Well, don't you worry, Aunt Dirt. 157 00:06:49,367 --> 00:06:52,995 Me and Honeybee will introduce you to the magical world of the moving image. 158 00:06:52,995 --> 00:06:54,747 We can pick out all the best movies you missed 159 00:06:54,747 --> 00:06:56,374 while you were down here and catch you up. 160 00:06:56,374 --> 00:06:58,042 The list basically writes itself. 161 00:06:58,042 --> 00:07:01,879 Number one with a bullet, the Judi Dench masterpiece, Nanny Fanny. 162 00:07:01,879 --> 00:07:03,548 What? You're going Nanny Fanny 163 00:07:03,548 --> 00:07:06,676 when Away in a Danger starring The Rock is out there? 164 00:07:06,676 --> 00:07:09,303 - He humiliated those dumbass Wise Men. - Fair point. 165 00:07:09,303 --> 00:07:12,890 Ooh, and we can't forget the Look Who's Talking cinematic universe. 166 00:07:12,890 --> 00:07:15,476 There will be plenty of time to bring Aunt Dirt up to speed. 167 00:07:15,476 --> 00:07:17,395 Oh, another great movie. Speed! 168 00:07:17,395 --> 00:07:19,063 {\an8}- I love speed. - Oh, hell yeah! 169 00:07:19,063 --> 00:07:20,773 {\an8}Okay, I'm gonna collect all of these to burn 170 00:07:20,773 --> 00:07:22,525 {\an8}while you guys get dressed. 171 00:07:22,525 --> 00:07:24,819 Then let's take Aunt Dirt to Maude's All-Day 172 00:07:24,819 --> 00:07:27,572 for a modern breakfast before I drop you kids at school. 173 00:07:27,572 --> 00:07:30,074 Aunt Dirt, is it okay if I stay down here instead? 174 00:07:30,074 --> 00:07:33,744 This place fully rips. 175 00:07:33,744 --> 00:07:35,621 Of course. Make yourself at home. 176 00:07:35,621 --> 00:07:38,374 Uh, you have school, but you can come down here 177 00:07:38,374 --> 00:07:40,042 and rip when you get home. 178 00:07:40,042 --> 00:07:41,419 Oh, I almost forgot. 179 00:07:41,419 --> 00:07:43,963 You will not need a gun at breakfast, Aunt Dirt. 180 00:07:43,963 --> 00:07:45,965 Ha! That's what they'd like you to think. 181 00:07:45,965 --> 00:07:48,092 Stop playing their game, sweetie pie. 182 00:07:48,676 --> 00:07:51,053 Cary Grant's anus, I forgot my smokes. 183 00:07:51,053 --> 00:07:52,472 Oh, no, your smokes! 184 00:07:52,472 --> 00:07:55,308 Uh, you can't smoke in any public spaces anymore, Aunt Dirt. 185 00:07:55,308 --> 00:07:56,392 Not even in hospitals? 186 00:07:56,392 --> 00:07:59,145 Aunt Dirt, you were in the bunker for 60 years. 187 00:07:59,145 --> 00:08:00,646 A lot's changed in that time. 188 00:08:00,646 --> 00:08:03,065 Shirley Temple's balls! Sixty? 189 00:08:03,065 --> 00:08:05,109 Wow. I'm over 80 years old. 190 00:08:05,109 --> 00:08:06,861 Hot dog! This is great news! 191 00:08:06,861 --> 00:08:08,779 Daddy can no longer pressure me to get hitched 192 00:08:08,779 --> 00:08:10,573 and become a baby-making machine. 193 00:08:10,573 --> 00:08:13,284 - How is Daddy, by the way? - Mmm... 194 00:08:13,284 --> 00:08:18,206 Ah, right. Yeah, if I'm 80-something, then, uh... Math. 195 00:08:18,206 --> 00:08:19,874 Thanks for the coffee, sweetie. 196 00:08:19,874 --> 00:08:21,042 Honk. Hey, now! 197 00:08:21,042 --> 00:08:23,794 - Aunt Dirt! - Sorry. She's from the past. 198 00:08:23,794 --> 00:08:24,879 What's the big deal? 199 00:08:24,879 --> 00:08:27,673 Back in my day, honking a boob was basically a handshake. 200 00:08:27,673 --> 00:08:30,843 Oh, it happens. Ma'am, that'll be a dollar for the honk jar. 201 00:08:30,843 --> 00:08:32,094 Pay the broad. 202 00:08:32,845 --> 00:08:34,180 What's the matter with this one? 203 00:08:34,180 --> 00:08:36,224 I believe he is dreading going to school. 204 00:08:36,224 --> 00:08:38,476 Ugh. I know how that is. I hated school. 205 00:08:38,476 --> 00:08:41,562 But cheer up, champ. You're almost old enough to work at a factory. 206 00:08:41,562 --> 00:08:43,481 Or if you're lucky, get drafted. 207 00:08:43,481 --> 00:08:45,066 I would kill to be drafted. 208 00:08:45,066 --> 00:08:47,026 Then I could skip that stupid dance. 209 00:08:47,026 --> 00:08:49,779 Dance? Let me guess. Some hot number turned you down? 210 00:08:49,779 --> 00:08:52,949 Quinn. She didn't even give me a reason, just a flat-out "no." 211 00:08:52,949 --> 00:08:55,618 Well, she probably has a reason. Most likely diphtheria. 212 00:08:55,618 --> 00:08:56,911 Huh. Maybe you're right. 213 00:08:57,703 --> 00:08:59,205 Put it on his tab, toots! 214 00:08:59,789 --> 00:09:02,333 Don't forget to ask your chippie if she's got the dippie. 215 00:09:02,333 --> 00:09:04,710 Hey, Beef, you think you could take me by Woolworths? 216 00:09:04,710 --> 00:09:06,212 I want to get a new FM radio 217 00:09:06,212 --> 00:09:08,839 so I can hear Freddie Frost-Tone's Alaskan Boogie Minute. 218 00:09:08,839 --> 00:09:12,051 Well, there hasn't been a Woolworth's here for about 40 years, 219 00:09:12,051 --> 00:09:16,389 and Freddie Frost-Tone tragically and ironically burned to death in the '90s. 220 00:09:16,389 --> 00:09:18,349 All right, fine. 221 00:09:18,349 --> 00:09:20,935 There's a couple other places I want to get my peepers on. 222 00:09:20,935 --> 00:09:22,937 But first things first. 223 00:09:22,937 --> 00:09:26,190 Whatever these things are, they freaking chafe. 224 00:09:29,777 --> 00:09:31,195 - Hi, Quinn. - Hi, Moon. 225 00:09:31,195 --> 00:09:33,447 Out of curiosity, do you have diphtheria? 226 00:09:33,447 --> 00:09:35,366 No, but thank you so much for asking. 227 00:09:35,366 --> 00:09:37,034 Is there a thick gray-white coating 228 00:09:37,034 --> 00:09:40,037 covering the back of my throat, nose and tongue that I am unaware of? 229 00:09:40,037 --> 00:09:43,791 Uh, no, I just thought maybe you said "no" to going to the dance with me 230 00:09:43,791 --> 00:09:47,003 because you have diphtheria or some other bacterial infection. 231 00:09:47,003 --> 00:09:49,797 Oh. No. I turned you down because I'm going with someone else. 232 00:09:49,797 --> 00:09:51,090 I see. 233 00:09:54,260 --> 00:09:56,053 Moon! Where are you going? 234 00:09:56,053 --> 00:09:59,390 It's BLT day in the cafeteria! 235 00:10:00,266 --> 00:10:01,684 The hell is this crap? 236 00:10:01,684 --> 00:10:03,853 They put in a mall? What is this, Paris? 237 00:10:03,853 --> 00:10:05,855 Where is Johnny Tiny's burlesque hall? 238 00:10:05,855 --> 00:10:08,608 Johnny Tiny's was torn down 20 years ago 239 00:10:08,608 --> 00:10:11,110 after a bunch of dancers fell off the silver moon 240 00:10:11,110 --> 00:10:12,695 they descended from the ceiling on. 241 00:10:12,695 --> 00:10:14,822 What a waste of legs. 242 00:10:14,822 --> 00:10:16,240 A left up here. 243 00:10:16,240 --> 00:10:17,325 Get ready, Beef. 244 00:10:17,325 --> 00:10:19,994 You're about to have the best egg cream you've ever tasted in your-- 245 00:10:19,994 --> 00:10:21,996 Oh, my God. I'm in hell. 246 00:10:21,996 --> 00:10:24,373 I live in hell now. 247 00:10:24,373 --> 00:10:27,001 Please, just take me to my friend Melinda's house. 248 00:10:27,001 --> 00:10:29,086 I need to see a friendly face. 249 00:10:30,004 --> 00:10:32,882 Melinda's house is this frigging crap? 250 00:10:32,882 --> 00:10:34,383 I'm sorry, Dirtrude. 251 00:10:34,383 --> 00:10:37,053 Just take me back to the bunker. 252 00:10:39,180 --> 00:10:42,141 What in Richard Burton's butt crack? It's locked! 253 00:10:42,141 --> 00:10:44,143 Sorry! Occupied! 254 00:10:47,647 --> 00:10:49,732 Moon, I need you to open the door, 255 00:10:49,732 --> 00:10:52,068 and more importantly, return to school. 256 00:10:52,068 --> 00:10:53,569 Oh. No, thank you, Father. 257 00:10:53,569 --> 00:10:55,154 The second I open this door, 258 00:10:55,154 --> 00:10:57,281 someone could rush in and utterly reject me 259 00:10:57,281 --> 00:10:59,116 in favor of some aboveground boy. 260 00:10:59,116 --> 00:11:02,620 Ah. I see. I take it Quinn doesn't have diphtheria? 261 00:11:02,620 --> 00:11:04,205 She doesn't even have cholera! 262 00:11:04,205 --> 00:11:06,707 Well, I'm sorry your friend is in excellent health. 263 00:11:06,707 --> 00:11:08,167 I really don't love the notion 264 00:11:08,167 --> 00:11:11,629 of one of my kids being in a hole in the ground all alone, 265 00:11:11,629 --> 00:11:13,923 but if this is what you need, I guess I'll allow it. 266 00:11:13,923 --> 00:11:15,216 But keep the walkie on. 267 00:11:15,216 --> 00:11:18,010 Roger that, but if the batteries die, I'm not changing them. 268 00:11:18,010 --> 00:11:20,221 All right. Care to come up with me to the main house? 269 00:11:20,221 --> 00:11:22,807 I can make us some lunch. Maybe some Hot Pockets? 270 00:11:22,807 --> 00:11:23,891 Hot Pockets? 271 00:11:23,891 --> 00:11:27,144 You know what? Let's just head in, and I'll show you what I mean. 272 00:11:27,144 --> 00:11:30,898 Mmm. Now what do you call that contraption you cooked it in again? 273 00:11:30,898 --> 00:11:32,149 Lenin's lunch box? 274 00:11:32,149 --> 00:11:34,360 Close. A microwave. 275 00:11:34,360 --> 00:11:35,820 Now, if you like Hot Pockets, 276 00:11:35,820 --> 00:11:38,989 there are many more culinary innovations I can introduce you to. 277 00:11:38,989 --> 00:11:41,617 Let me start by asking you to imagine this: 278 00:11:41,617 --> 00:11:44,203 What if a hamburger could help you? 279 00:11:44,203 --> 00:11:46,288 I would ask, what's in it for the hamburger? 280 00:11:46,288 --> 00:11:47,915 Nothing's free in this world, son. 281 00:11:47,915 --> 00:11:50,543 Aunt Dirt, since you're locked out of your bunker for now, 282 00:11:50,543 --> 00:11:53,003 maybe we can all help ease you into modern living. 283 00:11:53,003 --> 00:11:56,215 Ooh, yes, I'd love to do a feminist history presentation, 284 00:11:56,215 --> 00:11:57,299 catch you up on that. 285 00:11:57,299 --> 00:11:58,843 I'm gonna call it my "Judy X Talk," 286 00:11:58,843 --> 00:12:02,179 and I will be wearing a black turtleneck and walking back and forth 287 00:12:02,179 --> 00:12:05,141 - and steepling my fingers a lot like this. - No, thank you. 288 00:12:05,141 --> 00:12:07,852 And how about we get you going on that movie catch-up tonight? 289 00:12:07,852 --> 00:12:10,521 Yeah! We can start with a double feature of two classics, 290 00:12:10,521 --> 00:12:13,441 Scorsese's Mean Streets and Adam Sandler's Hubie Halloween. 291 00:12:13,441 --> 00:12:15,776 Aunt Dirt, it's Moon. Do you copy? 292 00:12:15,776 --> 00:12:16,861 Go for Dirtrude. 293 00:12:16,861 --> 00:12:18,654 I'm in the mood for a little music. 294 00:12:18,654 --> 00:12:20,698 Which of your 45s do you recommend? 295 00:12:20,698 --> 00:12:24,285 Well, I was always partial to "The Atom Bomb Dance-along." 296 00:12:24,285 --> 00:12:27,621 Or if you really want to boogie, I'd put on "The Polio Pounce." 297 00:12:28,205 --> 00:12:30,249 ♪ Doo-doo-doo doo-doo ♪ 298 00:12:30,249 --> 00:12:32,418 ♪ Get out your iron lung The dance has begun ♪ 299 00:12:32,418 --> 00:12:34,920 ♪ Now we're doin' the Polio Pounce Whoo! ♪ 300 00:12:40,468 --> 00:12:42,845 {\an8}Knock, knock. It's time for school. 301 00:12:42,845 --> 00:12:44,138 No can do, big man. 302 00:12:44,138 --> 00:12:46,807 What if I told you, after school we're taking Aunt Dirt 303 00:12:46,807 --> 00:12:49,894 to the paintball place in Whippleton, Splattletons? 304 00:12:49,894 --> 00:12:53,814 I'd say that having felt the sting of the paintball called "romantic rejection," 305 00:12:53,814 --> 00:12:55,483 I care to play no more. 306 00:12:55,483 --> 00:12:58,152 Ugh. Fine, Moon. One more day. 307 00:13:03,073 --> 00:13:05,701 {\an8}All right, Son, your bunker pass is revoked, 308 00:13:05,701 --> 00:13:07,828 {\an8}but your pancake pass just came through. 309 00:13:07,828 --> 00:13:09,538 I wish I could eat pancakes, Dad, 310 00:13:09,538 --> 00:13:12,792 but having burned my tongue on the bitter syrup of rejection, 311 00:13:12,792 --> 00:13:16,796 I prefer the taste of nothing and the company of no one. 312 00:13:16,796 --> 00:13:17,713 Hmm. 313 00:13:21,884 --> 00:13:23,177 Care to dance? 314 00:13:35,773 --> 00:13:38,067 Okay, I'll bite, Natalie. 315 00:13:38,067 --> 00:13:39,944 What do you call a mop in space? 316 00:13:39,944 --> 00:13:43,489 Oh, my God, you are so funny. 317 00:13:43,489 --> 00:13:45,741 A vacuum cleaner. 318 00:13:45,741 --> 00:13:46,909 Are you expecting someone? 319 00:13:46,909 --> 00:13:48,786 Go away! I will not. 320 00:13:48,786 --> 00:13:50,246 Moon, it's been four days. 321 00:13:50,246 --> 00:13:51,539 I need you to come out. 322 00:13:51,539 --> 00:13:52,998 Ha! Days mean nothing! 323 00:13:52,998 --> 00:13:55,292 They're an invention of the greeting card industry! 324 00:13:55,292 --> 00:13:58,420 Listen, we're heading to the mall, and I can't believe I'm saying this, 325 00:13:58,420 --> 00:14:02,132 but if you'll get out of this damned hole in the ground and come with us, I'll-- 326 00:14:02,132 --> 00:14:06,178 I'll buy you the RS-470 Vapor crossbow package. 327 00:14:06,178 --> 00:14:09,223 What on earth would I do with a crossbow in here, Father? 328 00:14:09,223 --> 00:14:10,307 Are you joking? 329 00:14:10,307 --> 00:14:14,687 You've been begging me for the RS470 every single day for two years. 330 00:14:14,687 --> 00:14:18,524 I was so naive, but now my eyes are open wider than Natalie's. 331 00:14:18,524 --> 00:14:19,942 Who is Natalie? 332 00:14:19,942 --> 00:14:21,861 Dad, I'm not coming out for the crossbow. 333 00:14:21,861 --> 00:14:24,321 Or for anything. I'm more bunker than boy now. 334 00:14:24,321 --> 00:14:27,032 I'm staying in here forever! 335 00:14:35,082 --> 00:14:37,209 Can't sleep, you big galoot? - Nope. 336 00:14:37,209 --> 00:14:38,377 - You? - Nope. 337 00:14:38,377 --> 00:14:42,506 Keep calling old friends to catch up, and finding out they died 20 years ago. 338 00:14:42,506 --> 00:14:43,716 LOL. 339 00:14:43,716 --> 00:14:45,718 Am I using that right? "Lots Of Loss"? 340 00:14:45,718 --> 00:14:47,887 Anyway, what's Mel-ing your Tormé? 341 00:14:47,887 --> 00:14:49,430 I'm just worried about Moon. 342 00:14:49,430 --> 00:14:51,891 He's gone off the grid before, but never like this. 343 00:14:51,891 --> 00:14:54,602 You never wanted to take a powder from the world for a bit? 344 00:14:54,602 --> 00:14:58,105 Of course. I love taking a powder, but where does it end? 345 00:14:58,105 --> 00:15:01,233 Yeah. Lucky for me, prom happened before I checked out. 346 00:15:01,233 --> 00:15:02,568 Best night of my life. 347 00:15:02,568 --> 00:15:05,487 My friend Melinda snuck in a flask of mint juleps, 348 00:15:05,487 --> 00:15:08,073 and we spent the whole night dancing to Mary Wells 349 00:15:08,073 --> 00:15:10,659 before we barfed beneath the northern lights together. 350 00:15:10,659 --> 00:15:12,703 Sounds like a pretty groovy time. 351 00:15:12,703 --> 00:15:15,581 It was absolutely boss. 352 00:15:15,581 --> 00:15:17,041 All right, enough is enough. 353 00:15:17,041 --> 00:15:20,878 Moon is going to his Lil Prommers Prom Prep for Lil Preppers Practice Prom 354 00:15:20,878 --> 00:15:22,755 if I have to dig through the Earth's crust 355 00:15:22,755 --> 00:15:25,132 and come up through the bunker floor to get him out. 356 00:15:25,132 --> 00:15:26,800 Well, you don't have to go that far. 357 00:15:26,800 --> 00:15:28,010 Don't tell the Russkies, 358 00:15:28,010 --> 00:15:30,471 but one of the bunker walls is just straight up plywood. 359 00:15:30,471 --> 00:15:32,556 Kind of ran out of bunker cash at the end. 360 00:15:32,556 --> 00:15:35,726 All you gotta do is dig down a couple feet, give it a swift kick. 361 00:15:39,063 --> 00:15:40,648 What in the actual hell? 362 00:15:40,648 --> 00:15:44,026 Moon, the Lil Prommers Prom Prep for Lil Preppers Practice Prom 363 00:15:44,026 --> 00:15:46,153 is in 12 hours, and you're gonna be there. 364 00:15:46,153 --> 00:15:47,613 - Hard pass. - Enough! 365 00:15:47,613 --> 00:15:50,574 I will not have you wasting your life buried in some tomb. 366 00:15:50,574 --> 00:15:51,659 Okay, rude. 367 00:15:51,659 --> 00:15:53,327 Nice try, boomer! 368 00:15:55,037 --> 00:15:56,664 Where did he... 369 00:15:56,664 --> 00:15:57,957 Where did my son go? 370 00:15:57,957 --> 00:16:01,210 Uh, well, I guess he discovered the backup bunker. 371 00:16:01,210 --> 00:16:03,128 The bunker has a backup bunker? 372 00:16:03,128 --> 00:16:05,255 - And you didn't tell me? - My bad. 373 00:16:05,255 --> 00:16:07,424 You ever hear that one before, Beef? "My bad." 374 00:16:07,424 --> 00:16:11,261 It's just one of the fun bits of slang I've picked up this week, and I love it. 375 00:16:11,261 --> 00:16:12,471 It really sings. 376 00:16:12,471 --> 00:16:13,597 My bad. 377 00:16:17,017 --> 00:16:21,063 Moon, please, you can't just live in a hole in a hole in the ground. 378 00:16:21,063 --> 00:16:25,025 I can as long as someone regularly dribbles some beans down the air vent. 379 00:16:25,025 --> 00:16:27,736 - Technically, that's true. - Son, I get it. 380 00:16:27,736 --> 00:16:30,364 Your Aunt Dirt's return has made me realize 381 00:16:30,364 --> 00:16:33,534 that we Tobins have a natural bunker mentality. 382 00:16:33,534 --> 00:16:36,620 But your aunt and I have not set the best example for you. 383 00:16:36,620 --> 00:16:39,039 What? I'm incredible. Agreed! 384 00:16:39,039 --> 00:16:42,251 Think of all the things you'd miss if you really stayed in here, Moon. 385 00:16:42,251 --> 00:16:46,422 I mean, the sound of your boots crunching over freshly-fallen August snow, 386 00:16:46,422 --> 00:16:49,049 or that first sip of coffee as the sun rises. 387 00:16:49,049 --> 00:16:50,801 What about Deal or No Deal? 388 00:16:50,801 --> 00:16:52,720 You love to watch Howie make a deal. 389 00:16:52,720 --> 00:16:54,972 Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, Dad! 390 00:16:54,972 --> 00:16:57,391 Aunt Dirt lived without those things, and she's perfect. 391 00:16:57,391 --> 00:16:58,892 I'm gonna be just like her. 392 00:16:58,892 --> 00:17:00,853 Ugh. Moon, listen. 393 00:17:00,853 --> 00:17:03,605 I understand exactly how you feel. 394 00:17:03,605 --> 00:17:06,900 Sometimes it feels like the whole world's one big scary communist 395 00:17:06,900 --> 00:17:09,028 trying to violently invade Alaska 396 00:17:09,028 --> 00:17:11,697 and make your secret girlfriend Melinda break up with you 397 00:17:11,697 --> 00:17:14,658 so she can marry Frank, the Molasses King of Wasilla. 398 00:17:14,658 --> 00:17:17,411 That's not exactly how I feel. 399 00:17:17,411 --> 00:17:20,205 Wait. Melinda? From the prom and the barfing? 400 00:17:20,205 --> 00:17:22,291 That's why you went in here. 401 00:17:22,291 --> 00:17:24,543 Well, the, uh-- It was mostly the Soviets, 402 00:17:24,543 --> 00:17:28,172 but, yeah, yeah, also a little bit the secret-girlfriend-marrying-Frank thing. 403 00:17:28,172 --> 00:17:30,424 So, you got rejected too? 404 00:17:30,424 --> 00:17:33,510 Oh, big time. When those Russian tanks rolled out of the sea-- 405 00:17:33,510 --> 00:17:34,762 It was an earthquake. 406 00:17:34,762 --> 00:17:38,724 Well, that was the morning I got the news that Melinda went ahead and married Frank. 407 00:17:38,724 --> 00:17:41,560 I know how that feels. Quinn didn't just say "no" to me. 408 00:17:41,560 --> 00:17:43,270 She's going with someone else. 409 00:17:43,270 --> 00:17:45,272 My only choice was to come in the bunker. 410 00:17:45,272 --> 00:17:46,648 Just like you, Aunt Dirt. 411 00:17:46,648 --> 00:17:49,735 Well, now, a few days ago, I would have agreed with you. 412 00:17:49,735 --> 00:17:52,154 But since you guys coaxed me out of my hidey-hole, 413 00:17:52,154 --> 00:17:54,573 I've realized how much I've missed out on. 414 00:17:54,573 --> 00:17:56,033 Like Toaster Strudel. 415 00:17:56,033 --> 00:17:58,410 And pornography that moves around. 416 00:17:58,410 --> 00:18:01,205 And things getting better for gals like me. 417 00:18:01,205 --> 00:18:04,333 All equally amazing developments. Hmm. 418 00:18:04,333 --> 00:18:06,376 So, yeah, I get you want to be like me 419 00:18:06,376 --> 00:18:09,296 because I'm basically Vince from that movie I watched this morning-- 420 00:18:09,296 --> 00:18:10,923 The Movie. 421 00:18:10,923 --> 00:18:13,634 But, Moon, don't be like this part of me. 422 00:18:13,634 --> 00:18:17,221 I realize you can't see me, but I am gesturing to the bunker right now. 423 00:18:17,221 --> 00:18:19,640 But what if I never get over my heartbreak? 424 00:18:19,640 --> 00:18:21,558 Did you ever get over yours? 425 00:18:21,558 --> 00:18:22,726 I think so. 426 00:18:22,726 --> 00:18:26,188 I'm actually thinking I'm gonna ask out that spicy waitress at the diner. 427 00:18:26,188 --> 00:18:29,399 You guys made a fuss, but she was eye-honking me right back. 428 00:18:29,399 --> 00:18:31,443 And it might not have worked out with Quinn, 429 00:18:31,443 --> 00:18:34,530 but you could meet another hotsy-totsy at a sock hop 430 00:18:34,530 --> 00:18:36,782 or a clambake or a Beatles concert. 431 00:18:36,782 --> 00:18:40,702 Boy, I'd love to see my favorites John and George again. 432 00:18:40,702 --> 00:18:41,912 - Oh, boy. - What? 433 00:18:41,912 --> 00:18:43,080 Nothing. Uh-- 434 00:18:43,080 --> 00:18:44,748 Uh, Aunt Dirt's right, Moon. 435 00:18:44,748 --> 00:18:46,625 Your life's gonna be pretty good. 436 00:18:46,625 --> 00:18:48,418 Be a shame if you missed it. 437 00:18:49,378 --> 00:18:52,089 I am willing to give society one more chance, 438 00:18:52,089 --> 00:18:54,299 if Aunt Dirt will honor one request. 439 00:18:54,299 --> 00:18:56,009 Shoot your shot, playa. 440 00:18:56,009 --> 00:18:58,470 Oh, is that not a real slang? Did Honeybee trick me? 441 00:19:05,310 --> 00:19:09,106 Incredible. NASA figured out how to make spoons out of chips, huh? 442 00:19:09,106 --> 00:19:10,774 Wait till Ham hears about this. 443 00:19:10,774 --> 00:19:13,944 I think Ham knows about Tostitos Scoops, Aunt Dirt. 444 00:19:13,944 --> 00:19:15,904 Hi, Moon. Nice to see you this fine evening. 445 00:19:15,904 --> 00:19:17,823 Hello, Quinn. Where's your date? 446 00:19:17,823 --> 00:19:19,491 I'm prepared to shake his hand. 447 00:19:19,491 --> 00:19:21,368 Moon, this is my date, David. 448 00:19:21,368 --> 00:19:22,619 David, Moon. 449 00:19:22,619 --> 00:19:25,455 You turned me down for a potbellied pig in a vest? 450 00:19:25,455 --> 00:19:27,791 He also had little pants, but he pooped them. 451 00:19:27,791 --> 00:19:29,376 - And then ate them. - I see. 452 00:19:29,376 --> 00:19:32,212 And I turned you down because this is a practice prom 453 00:19:32,212 --> 00:19:34,047 so I wanted to bring a practice date. 454 00:19:34,047 --> 00:19:35,716 Besides, David loves to dance. 455 00:19:35,716 --> 00:19:38,427 Oh. In that case, mind if I cut in? 456 00:19:38,427 --> 00:19:40,429 My dance card's been empty for years. 457 00:19:40,971 --> 00:19:43,098 Care to, uh, dance? 458 00:19:53,734 --> 00:19:55,652 Have you seen this? The iPod Nano? 459 00:19:55,652 --> 00:19:56,862 Look how small it is. 460 00:19:56,862 --> 00:19:58,405 Guess how many songs it can hold? 461 00:19:58,405 --> 00:20:00,699 - A hundred billion. - Pretty much. 462 00:20:00,699 --> 00:20:02,534 Wow. What'll they think of next? 463 00:20:02,534 --> 00:20:04,077 I guess I'll find out, huh? 464 00:20:04,077 --> 00:20:06,997 You can keep bringing cool stuff down to the bunker for me to see 465 00:20:06,997 --> 00:20:08,999 because the hatch is always open. 466 00:20:08,999 --> 00:20:10,876 Literally, thanks to your father. 467 00:20:10,876 --> 00:20:13,795 Okay, all the locks are off all the hatch doors. 468 00:20:13,795 --> 00:20:16,798 Unless there's a hatch within the hatch within the hatch? 469 00:20:16,798 --> 00:20:17,883 Nope, that's it. 470 00:20:17,883 --> 00:20:20,510 I just hope no commies break in in the middle of the night. 471 00:20:20,510 --> 00:20:23,555 Okay, Lenny Bruce, that's not funny. Don't even joke about that. 472 00:20:23,555 --> 00:20:26,099 I mean, if you want to joke around, at least tell a real one. 473 00:20:26,099 --> 00:20:28,310 Like, why didn't the lifeguard save the hippie? 474 00:20:28,310 --> 00:20:30,812 'Cause he was too far out, man. 475 00:20:31,772 --> 00:20:33,065 {\an8}Ya gotta help me, Doc. 476 00:20:33,065 --> 00:20:35,567 {\an8}I just feel so dang tired all the time. 477 00:20:37,444 --> 00:20:40,822 {\an8}Here, Billy, try one of these Dr. Bojangle’s Energy Crackers. 478 00:20:48,205 --> 00:20:49,915 {\an8}♪ When you're feeling kinda sluggish ♪ 479 00:20:49,915 --> 00:20:51,500 {\an8}♪ Not so very ruggish ♪ 480 00:20:51,500 --> 00:20:54,336 {\an8}♪ And you pray the day Will simply go away ♪ 481 00:20:54,336 --> 00:20:56,088 {\an8}♪ Have yourself a Dr. Bojangle’s ♪ 482 00:20:56,088 --> 00:20:59,925 {\an8}♪ The cracker with all the angles Which nine million out of ten doctors ♪ 483 00:20:59,925 --> 00:21:02,427 {\an8}♪ Prescribe today! ♪