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00:00:01,543 --> 00:00:03,169
♪ Look up there ♪
2
00:00:03,169 --> 00:00:05,922
- ♪ What do you see? ♪
- ♪ Nature and stuff ♪
3
00:00:05,922 --> 00:00:07,590
- ♪ Like a rock ♪
- ♪ And a tree ♪
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00:00:07,590 --> 00:00:10,719
[all] ♪ Hup, the Great North ♪
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{\an8}- ♪ Way up here, you can breathe the air ♪
- [all] ♪ Hup, hey, oh ♪
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{\an8}- ♪ Catch some fish ♪
- ♪ Or gaze at a bear ♪
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{\an8}♪ Wow ♪
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00:00:17,892 --> 00:00:21,104
{\an8}♪ Hup, the Great North ♪
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- ♪ Here we live ♪
- [all] ♪ Hup, oh ♪
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- ♪ Here we'll stay ♪
- ♪ Whoo ♪
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♪ From longest night to longest day ♪
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♪ In the Great North ♪
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{\an8}[cheering]
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{\an8}Now remember,
people are gonna see this banner
15
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{\an8}right when they walk in the door
for the Lil Prommers Prom Prep
16
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{\an8}for Lil Preppers Practice Prom,
so it can't be crooked.
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{\an8}Okay, how does that look?
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{\an8}Uh, perfect.
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{\an8}- Meow. Meow.
- Moon, you okay there?
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{\an8}You only involuntarily meow
when you're extremely stressed.
21
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{\an8}I'm not stressed.
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{\an8}- Meow.
- Oh, I see.
23
00:00:55,013 --> 00:00:56,973
{\an8}Is today the day
you ask Quinn to the dance?
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{\an8}Oh, boy. It's good that he's just meowing.
25
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{\an8}We'll know he's really nervous if he--
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{\an8}[moos]
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{\an8}Aw, come on, Moon!
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{\an8}As a fellow Prepper,
29
00:01:03,980 --> 00:01:06,232
{\an8}I'm sure you've run through
every possible scenario.
30
00:01:06,232 --> 00:01:08,401
{\an8}- What's the worst thing that could happen?
- I die.
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{\an8}I'm sure she'll say yes.
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{\an8}You're one of the top ten
most eligible Preppers.
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{\an8}You're smart. You're funny.
You own your own bear suit.
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{\an8}Moon, go.
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{\an8}Hey, Quinn, it's Moon. From school?
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{\an8}Hi, Moon. I knew it was you,
because of how I can see you.
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{\an8}Cool. Cool.
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{\an8}Anyway, I was just thinking, um,
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{\an8}I'm going to the Lil Prommers Prom Prep
for Lil Preppers Practice Prom.
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{\an8}You're going to the Lil Prommers Prom Prep
for Lil Preppers Practice Prom,
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{\an8}so what if we went together?
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{\an8}Oh. No.
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{\an8}[distorted, echoing] No. No. No. No.
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{\an8}Meow.
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{\an8}[laughs] Oh, my God, everybody,
46
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{\an8}Moon just asked Quinn to the dance,
but she said no.
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{\an8}- [students laughing]
- [moos, meows]
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{\an8}Oh, God, he mooed a meow!
49
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{\an8}Does anyone know the science on that?
50
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{\an8}[crows]
51
00:01:51,528 --> 00:01:53,738
{\an8}Maybe it would have been better
if he died.
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00:01:54,531 --> 00:01:58,159
{\an8}Son, I ironed your suit
for the Lil Practice Prommers-- Ah.
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{\an8}I see you're packing your most
prized possessions into a duffel bag.
54
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{\an8}I assume this means you're going off-grid?
55
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{\an8}- Yep.
- Well, may I ask what triggered
56
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{\an8}this latest rupture with society?
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00:02:07,460 --> 00:02:10,588
{\an8}School? Siblings? Social circle?
Lady troubles?
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00:02:10,588 --> 00:02:12,715
Troubles doesn't begin to describe it.
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Mmm, I see.
I fear I also have been in your shoes.
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I wish I could make this better for you,
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but some time in the woods alone is indeed
one of the only known cures.
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Thank you. I'll need that headlamp,
63
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and that family-size bag
of Captain Aloof's Cheezy Poofs, please.
64
00:02:27,772 --> 00:02:30,817
The weather band said a Chinook wind
might blow through tonight.
65
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So I would also ask you to take
a walkie-talkie in case of emergency.
66
00:02:34,320 --> 00:02:38,158
All right, but where I'm going, it's gonna
be a lot more walkie than talkie.
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Goodbye, Father.
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Remember to report to the van
at 0800 hours.
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You may go off the grid,
but not off the school attendance list.
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[Moon] Ah. This is the life.
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And with each moment, I care less and less
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about you-know-who saying you-know-what
about the little you-know-what prep
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for you-know-what practice you-know-what.
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- [snoring]
- [wind howling]
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[screams] Oh.
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Chinook wind.
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Nice try, nature.
You're not gonna get rid of me that easy!
78
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- [Moon gasps]
- [panting]
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00:03:06,811 --> 00:03:09,480
Mysterious figure in a gas mask
and hazmat suit
80
00:03:09,480 --> 00:03:10,773
running through the woods?
81
00:03:10,773 --> 00:03:13,776
Oh, you better believe I'm gonna
see where the hell this leads.
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[panting]
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[grunts]
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[Moon] Code Wintermint!
85
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Code Wintermint!
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Wintermint. Wintermint.
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"Wintermint: Mysterious figure
in gas mask sighted on Tobin property
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disappearing into locked hatch
in the ground!"
89
00:03:34,088 --> 00:03:37,926
This is why I never remove
my under-poncho during rainy season.
90
00:03:37,926 --> 00:03:40,678
Ah, man, you guys woke me up
from the craziest dream.
91
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The Mucinex Booger made me dinner,
but we couldn't eat until I sneezed.
92
00:03:44,682 --> 00:03:46,768
And then I did,
and it was such a good sneeze
93
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that the Mucinex Booger was crying!
94
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And now I'm in the woods
with a frying pan.
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Judy, uh, what's the, uh, book for?
Y-You gonna use it as a weapon?
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00:03:54,776 --> 00:03:57,028
{\an8}Maybe. It's 1001 Irish Jokes.
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{\an8}If he's Irish, he could be devastated.
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Okay, weapons ready. We're almost there.
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The hatch door is camouflaged
to look like the ground.
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That's probably why
we never noticed it before.
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Attention, trespasser,
please show yourself.
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[hatch-dweller] Nice try,
ya crummy commies!
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You'll never take me alive!
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Uh, we are not commies,
and we mean you no harm.
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What is your name?
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[hatch-dweller] My name's
Mind Your Own Business, Boris,
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nuclear mutant of the eternal wasteland!
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And my name is Beef Tobin.
You're on my property.
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- [hatch-dweller] Did you say Beef Tobin?
- Affirmative.
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If you're a Tobin, then prove it.
Do the Tobin handshake.
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There is no Tobin handshake.
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Correct. That was a test, and you passed.
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I'm Dirtrude, but I just go by Dirt.
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My God! Legendary long-lost
Tobin family member Aunt Dirt?
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Well, Benny Goodman's blowhole,
you found me.
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Sorry for calling you commies,
but you can't be too careful.
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00:04:48,746 --> 00:04:50,540
I'd rather be apologizing to you here
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than bending the knee
to Brezhnev in Moscow,
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if you know what I mean.
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[scoffs] Absolutely.
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[chuckles] Aunt Dirt,
I can't believe it's really you.
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Believe it, buddy boy.
Your dad's big sister.
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Dirtrude Gertrude Tobin.
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00:05:02,010 --> 00:05:03,428
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
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00:05:03,428 --> 00:05:06,889
So, is this place, like, your she shed
or your murder dungeon?
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00:05:06,889 --> 00:05:09,100
This is my survival bunker, dollface.
127
00:05:09,100 --> 00:05:11,394
I've lived here
since the Soviets invaded America.
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- Wait. When did that happen?
- It did not.
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It did.
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It was Good Friday, March 27, 1964,
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when the earth shook
as their tanks rumbled ashore.
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00:05:19,902 --> 00:05:24,866
I believe you are actually referring
to the Great Alaskan Earthquake of 1964,
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during which you disappeared
and were presumed dead.
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Better presumed dead than red,
you know what I mean?
135
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Your version of off-the-grid
is off the charts.
136
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It's amazing that you were able
to survive down here this whole time.
137
00:05:36,377 --> 00:05:39,213
Survive? I thrived, short stack.
138
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I got everything a 25-year-old woman
could ever want or need in this baby.
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00:05:43,426 --> 00:05:46,471
Canned beans, the collected works
of Ray Bradbury,
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00:05:46,471 --> 00:05:51,309
a 1963 cheesecake calendar from
Skagway Studebaker Sales and Service
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00:05:51,309 --> 00:05:52,852
for, um, company.
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- [gasps] Is that--
- Yep.
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The TC 320 Carbonizer,
a world-class urine filtration system.
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Wow.
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Turns my tinkle into clean,
potable drinking water
146
00:06:02,612 --> 00:06:04,280
that barely even tastes like tinkle.
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00:06:04,280 --> 00:06:05,948
Just a hint, but you want that.
148
00:06:05,948 --> 00:06:09,369
Oh, thank you so much,
but I, uh, had tinkle for lunch.
149
00:06:09,369 --> 00:06:11,829
Ooh. Dr. Bojangle’s Energy Crackers.
150
00:06:12,789 --> 00:06:15,208
Ugh! These are awful. Ugh!
151
00:06:15,708 --> 00:06:17,460
And yet, I can't stop eating them.
152
00:06:17,460 --> 00:06:19,545
These crackers make me want
to start a business!
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00:06:19,545 --> 00:06:21,464
I'm talking synergy.
I'm talking seed funding.
154
00:06:21,464 --> 00:06:23,049
I'm talking leverage. I'm still talking!
155
00:06:23,049 --> 00:06:25,927
- Judy, uh, it looks like Dr. B.'s EC's...
- [grunting]
156
00:06:25,927 --> 00:06:29,305
...are mostly ephedrine, which is speed,
so maybe don't eat anymore.
157
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Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep.
Yep. Yep. Just this box.
158
00:06:31,265 --> 00:06:32,767
And, hey, Ham, let's roll some calls.
159
00:06:32,767 --> 00:06:34,394
- Get my boy Greek on the line.
- On it!
160
00:06:34,394 --> 00:06:36,729
Oh, and let's have Kevin order
a bunch of sushi
161
00:06:36,729 --> 00:06:38,606
for when the investors arrive. Kevin!
162
00:06:38,606 --> 00:06:42,318
Wait. So, Aunt Dirt,
if you came down here in 1964,
163
00:06:42,318 --> 00:06:44,654
does that mean you've never
seen a single movie?
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00:06:44,654 --> 00:06:47,782
- Babe, they had movies before 1964.
- That can't be right.
165
00:06:47,782 --> 00:06:49,367
Well, don't you worry, Aunt Dirt.
166
00:06:49,367 --> 00:06:52,995
Me and Honeybee will introduce you
to the magical world of the moving image.
167
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We can pick out all
the best movies you missed
168
00:06:54,747 --> 00:06:56,374
while you were down here and catch you up.
169
00:06:56,374 --> 00:06:58,042
The list basically writes itself.
170
00:06:58,042 --> 00:07:01,879
Number one with a bullet,
the Judi Dench masterpiece, Nanny Fanny.
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00:07:01,879 --> 00:07:03,548
What? You're going Nanny Fanny
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00:07:03,548 --> 00:07:06,676
when Away in a Danger
starring The Rock is out there?
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00:07:06,676 --> 00:07:09,303
- He humiliated those dumbass Wise Men.
- Fair point.
174
00:07:09,303 --> 00:07:12,890
Ooh, and we can't forget
the Look Who's Talking cinematic universe.
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00:07:12,890 --> 00:07:15,476
There will be plenty of time
to bring Aunt Dirt up to speed.
176
00:07:15,476 --> 00:07:17,395
Oh, another great movie. Speed!
177
00:07:17,395 --> 00:07:19,063
{\an8}- I love speed.
- Oh, hell yeah!
178
00:07:19,063 --> 00:07:20,773
{\an8}Okay, I'm gonna collect
all of these to burn
179
00:07:20,773 --> 00:07:22,525
{\an8}- while you guys get dressed.
- [Judy grunting]
180
00:07:22,525 --> 00:07:24,819
Then let's take Aunt Dirt
to Maude's All-Day
181
00:07:24,819 --> 00:07:27,572
for a modern breakfast before
I drop you kids at school.
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00:07:27,572 --> 00:07:30,074
Aunt Dirt, is it okay
if I stay down here instead?
183
00:07:30,074 --> 00:07:33,744
[shakily] This place fully rips.
184
00:07:33,744 --> 00:07:35,621
Of course. Make yourself at home.
185
00:07:35,621 --> 00:07:38,374
Uh, you have school,
but you can come down here
186
00:07:38,374 --> 00:07:40,042
and rip when you get home.
187
00:07:40,042 --> 00:07:41,419
Oh, I almost forgot.
188
00:07:41,419 --> 00:07:43,963
You will not need a gun
at breakfast, Aunt Dirt.
189
00:07:43,963 --> 00:07:45,965
Ha! That's what they'd like you to think.
190
00:07:45,965 --> 00:07:48,092
Stop playing their game, sweetie pie.
191
00:07:48,676 --> 00:07:51,053
Cary Grant's anus, I forgot my smokes.
192
00:07:51,053 --> 00:07:52,472
Oh, no, your smokes!
193
00:07:52,472 --> 00:07:55,308
Uh, you can't smoke
in any public spaces anymore, Aunt Dirt.
194
00:07:55,308 --> 00:07:56,392
Not even in hospitals?
195
00:07:56,392 --> 00:07:59,145
Aunt Dirt, you were
in the bunker for 60 years.
196
00:07:59,145 --> 00:08:00,646
A lot's changed in that time.
197
00:08:00,646 --> 00:08:03,065
Shirley Temple's balls! Sixty?
198
00:08:03,065 --> 00:08:05,109
Wow. I'm over 80 years old.
199
00:08:05,109 --> 00:08:06,861
Hot dog! This is great news!
200
00:08:06,861 --> 00:08:08,779
Daddy can no longer pressure me
to get hitched
201
00:08:08,779 --> 00:08:10,573
and become a baby-making machine.
202
00:08:10,573 --> 00:08:13,284
- How is Daddy, by the way?
- Mmm...
203
00:08:13,284 --> 00:08:18,206
Ah, right. Yeah, if I'm 80-something,
then, uh... Math.
204
00:08:18,206 --> 00:08:19,874
Thanks for the coffee, sweetie.
205
00:08:19,874 --> 00:08:21,042
- Honk.
- [gasps] Hey, now!
206
00:08:21,042 --> 00:08:23,794
- Aunt Dirt!
- Sorry. She's from the past.
207
00:08:23,794 --> 00:08:24,879
What's the big deal?
208
00:08:24,879 --> 00:08:27,673
Back in my day, honking a boob
was basically a handshake.
209
00:08:27,673 --> 00:08:30,843
Oh, it happens. Ma'am, that'll be
a dollar for the honk jar.
210
00:08:30,843 --> 00:08:32,094
Pay the broad.
211
00:08:32,845 --> 00:08:34,180
What's the matter with this one?
212
00:08:34,180 --> 00:08:36,224
I believe he is dreading going to school.
213
00:08:36,224 --> 00:08:38,476
Ugh. I know how that is. I hated school.
214
00:08:38,476 --> 00:08:41,562
But cheer up, champ. You're almost
old enough to work at a factory.
215
00:08:41,562 --> 00:08:43,481
Or if you're lucky, get drafted.
216
00:08:43,481 --> 00:08:45,066
I would kill to be drafted.
217
00:08:45,066 --> 00:08:47,026
Then I could skip that stupid dance.
218
00:08:47,026 --> 00:08:49,779
Dance? Let me guess.
Some hot number turned you down?
219
00:08:49,779 --> 00:08:52,949
Quinn. She didn't even give me
a reason, just a flat-out "no."
220
00:08:52,949 --> 00:08:55,618
Well, she probably has a reason.
Most likely diphtheria.
221
00:08:55,618 --> 00:08:56,911
Huh. Maybe you're right.
222
00:08:57,703 --> 00:08:59,205
Put it on his tab, toots!
223
00:08:59,789 --> 00:09:02,333
Don't forget to ask your chippie
if she's got the dippie.
224
00:09:02,333 --> 00:09:04,710
Hey, Beef, you think
you could take me by Woolworths?
225
00:09:04,710 --> 00:09:06,212
I want to get a new FM radio
226
00:09:06,212 --> 00:09:08,839
so I can hear Freddie Frost-Tone's
Alaskan Boogie Minute.
227
00:09:08,839 --> 00:09:12,051
Well, there hasn't been a Woolworth's here
for about 40 years,
228
00:09:12,051 --> 00:09:16,389
and Freddie Frost-Tone tragically and
ironically burned to death in the '90s.
229
00:09:16,389 --> 00:09:18,349
All right, fine.
230
00:09:18,349 --> 00:09:20,935
There's a couple other places
I want to get my peepers on.
231
00:09:20,935 --> 00:09:22,937
But first things first.
232
00:09:22,937 --> 00:09:26,190
[grunting] Whatever these things are,
they freaking chafe.
233
00:09:28,776 --> 00:09:29,777
[sighs]
234
00:09:29,777 --> 00:09:31,195
- Hi, Quinn.
- Hi, Moon.
235
00:09:31,195 --> 00:09:33,447
Out of curiosity, do you have diphtheria?
236
00:09:33,447 --> 00:09:35,366
No, but thank you so much for asking.
237
00:09:35,366 --> 00:09:37,034
Is there a thick gray-white coating
238
00:09:37,034 --> 00:09:40,037
covering the back of my throat, nose
and tongue that I am unaware of?
239
00:09:40,037 --> 00:09:43,791
Uh, no, I just thought maybe you said "no"
to going to the dance with me
240
00:09:43,791 --> 00:09:47,003
because you have diphtheria
or some other bacterial infection.
241
00:09:47,003 --> 00:09:49,797
Oh. No. I turned you down
because I'm going with someone else.
242
00:09:49,797 --> 00:09:51,090
I see.
243
00:09:51,090 --> 00:09:54,260
[meows, hisses]
244
00:09:54,260 --> 00:09:56,053
- Moon! Where are you going?
- [yowls]
245
00:09:56,053 --> 00:09:59,390
- It's BLT day in the cafeteria!
- [meowing]
246
00:10:00,266 --> 00:10:01,684
[Aunt Dirt] The hell is this crap?
247
00:10:01,684 --> 00:10:03,853
They put in a mall? What is this, Paris?
248
00:10:03,853 --> 00:10:05,855
Where is Johnny Tiny's burlesque hall?
249
00:10:05,855 --> 00:10:08,608
Johnny Tiny's was torn down 20 years ago
250
00:10:08,608 --> 00:10:11,110
after a bunch of dancers
fell off the silver moon
251
00:10:11,110 --> 00:10:12,695
they descended from the ceiling on.
252
00:10:12,695 --> 00:10:14,822
What a waste of legs.
253
00:10:14,822 --> 00:10:16,240
A left up here.
254
00:10:16,240 --> 00:10:17,325
Get ready, Beef.
255
00:10:17,325 --> 00:10:19,994
You're about to have the best egg cream
you've ever tasted in your--
256
00:10:19,994 --> 00:10:21,996
[gasps] Oh, my God. I'm in hell.
257
00:10:21,996 --> 00:10:24,373
I live in hell now. [sighs]
258
00:10:24,373 --> 00:10:27,001
Please, just take me
to my friend Melinda's house.
259
00:10:27,001 --> 00:10:29,086
I need to see a friendly face.
260
00:10:30,004 --> 00:10:32,882
Melinda's house is this frigging crap?
261
00:10:32,882 --> 00:10:34,383
[Beef] I'm sorry, Dirtrude.
262
00:10:34,383 --> 00:10:37,053
[sighs] Just take me back to the bunker.
263
00:10:39,180 --> 00:10:42,141
What in Richard Burton's butt crack?
It's locked!
264
00:10:42,141 --> 00:10:44,143
[Moon] Sorry! Occupied!
265
00:10:47,647 --> 00:10:49,732
Moon, I need you to open the door,
266
00:10:49,732 --> 00:10:52,068
and more importantly, return to school.
267
00:10:52,068 --> 00:10:53,569
Oh. No, thank you, Father.
268
00:10:53,569 --> 00:10:55,154
The second I open this door,
269
00:10:55,154 --> 00:10:57,281
someone could rush in
and utterly reject me
270
00:10:57,281 --> 00:10:59,116
in favor of some aboveground boy.
271
00:10:59,116 --> 00:11:02,620
Ah. I see.
I take it Quinn doesn't have diphtheria?
272
00:11:02,620 --> 00:11:04,205
She doesn't even have cholera!
273
00:11:04,205 --> 00:11:06,707
Well, I'm sorry your friend
is in excellent health.
274
00:11:06,707 --> 00:11:08,167
I really don't love the notion
275
00:11:08,167 --> 00:11:11,629
of one of my kids
being in a hole in the ground all alone,
276
00:11:11,629 --> 00:11:13,923
but if this is what you need,
I guess I'll allow it.
277
00:11:13,923 --> 00:11:15,216
But keep the walkie on.
278
00:11:15,216 --> 00:11:18,010
Roger that, but if the batteries die,
I'm not changing them.
279
00:11:18,010 --> 00:11:20,221
All right. Care to come up with me
to the main house?
280
00:11:20,221 --> 00:11:22,807
I can make us some lunch.
Maybe some Hot Pockets?
281
00:11:22,807 --> 00:11:23,891
Hot Pockets?
282
00:11:23,891 --> 00:11:27,144
You know what? Let's just head in,
and I'll show you what I mean.
283
00:11:27,144 --> 00:11:30,898
Mmm. Now what do you call
that contraption you cooked it in again?
284
00:11:30,898 --> 00:11:32,149
Lenin's lunch box?
285
00:11:32,149 --> 00:11:34,360
Close. A microwave.
286
00:11:34,360 --> 00:11:35,820
Now, if you like Hot Pockets,
287
00:11:35,820 --> 00:11:38,989
there are many more culinary innovations
I can introduce you to.
288
00:11:38,989 --> 00:11:41,617
Let me start by asking you
to imagine this:
289
00:11:41,617 --> 00:11:44,203
What if a hamburger could help you?
290
00:11:44,203 --> 00:11:46,288
I would ask,
what's in it for the hamburger?
291
00:11:46,288 --> 00:11:47,915
Nothing's free in this world, son.
292
00:11:47,915 --> 00:11:50,543
Aunt Dirt, since you're locked
out of your bunker for now,
293
00:11:50,543 --> 00:11:53,003
maybe we can all help
ease you into modern living.
294
00:11:53,003 --> 00:11:56,215
Ooh, yes, I'd love to do
a feminist history presentation,
295
00:11:56,215 --> 00:11:57,299
catch you up on that.
296
00:11:57,299 --> 00:11:58,843
I'm gonna call it my "Judy X Talk,"
297
00:11:58,843 --> 00:12:02,179
and I will be wearing a black turtleneck
and walking back and forth
298
00:12:02,179 --> 00:12:05,141
- and steepling my fingers a lot like this.
- No, thank you.
299
00:12:05,141 --> 00:12:07,852
And how about we get you going
on that movie catch-up tonight?
300
00:12:07,852 --> 00:12:10,521
Yeah! We can start with a
double feature of two classics,
301
00:12:10,521 --> 00:12:13,441
Scorsese's Mean Streets and
Adam Sandler's Hubie Halloween.
302
00:12:13,441 --> 00:12:15,776
[Moon] Aunt Dirt, it's Moon. Do you copy?
303
00:12:15,776 --> 00:12:16,861
Go for Dirtrude.
304
00:12:16,861 --> 00:12:18,654
I'm in the mood for a little music.
305
00:12:18,654 --> 00:12:20,698
Which of your 45s do you recommend?
306
00:12:20,698 --> 00:12:24,285
Well, I was always partial
to "The Atom Bomb Dance-along."
307
00:12:24,285 --> 00:12:27,621
Or if you really want to boogie,
I'd put on "The Polio Pounce."
308
00:12:28,205 --> 00:12:30,249
[on record player]
♪ Doo-doo-doo doo-doo ♪
309
00:12:30,249 --> 00:12:32,418
♪ Get out your iron lung
The dance has begun ♪
310
00:12:32,418 --> 00:12:34,920
♪ Now we're doin' the Polio Pounce
Whoo! ♪
311
00:12:34,920 --> 00:12:37,006
[ragtime band music playing]
312
00:12:40,468 --> 00:12:42,845
{\an8}Knock, knock. It's time for school.
313
00:12:42,845 --> 00:12:44,138
{\an8}[Moon] No can do, big man.
314
00:12:44,138 --> 00:12:46,807
What if I told you,
after school we're taking Aunt Dirt
315
00:12:46,807 --> 00:12:49,894
to the paintball place
in Whippleton, Splattletons?
316
00:12:49,894 --> 00:12:53,814
I'd say that having felt the sting of
the paintball called "romantic rejection,"
317
00:12:53,814 --> 00:12:55,483
I care to play no more.
318
00:12:55,483 --> 00:12:58,152
Ugh. Fine, Moon. One more day.
319
00:12:58,152 --> 00:12:59,403
[music continues]
320
00:13:03,073 --> 00:13:05,701
{\an8}All right, Son,
your bunker pass is revoked,
321
00:13:05,701 --> 00:13:07,828
{\an8}but your pancake pass just came through.
322
00:13:07,828 --> 00:13:09,538
I wish I could eat pancakes, Dad,
323
00:13:09,538 --> 00:13:12,792
but having burned my tongue
on the bitter syrup of rejection,
324
00:13:12,792 --> 00:13:16,796
I prefer the taste of nothing
and the company of no one.
325
00:13:16,796 --> 00:13:17,713
Hmm.
326
00:13:21,884 --> 00:13:23,177
Care to dance?
327
00:13:23,177 --> 00:13:25,429
[music continues]
328
00:13:35,773 --> 00:13:38,067
[laughing] Okay, I'll bite, Natalie.
329
00:13:38,067 --> 00:13:39,944
What do you call a mop in space?
330
00:13:39,944 --> 00:13:43,489
[laughs] Oh, my God, you are so funny.
331
00:13:43,489 --> 00:13:45,741
- A vacuum cleaner.
- [knocking]
332
00:13:45,741 --> 00:13:46,909
Are you expecting someone?
333
00:13:46,909 --> 00:13:48,786
- Go away!
- [Beef] I will not.
334
00:13:48,786 --> 00:13:50,246
Moon, it's been four days.
335
00:13:50,246 --> 00:13:51,539
I need you to come out.
336
00:13:51,539 --> 00:13:52,998
Ha! Days mean nothing!
337
00:13:52,998 --> 00:13:55,292
They're an invention
of the greeting card industry!
338
00:13:55,292 --> 00:13:58,420
Listen, we're heading to the mall,
and I can't believe I'm saying this,
339
00:13:58,420 --> 00:14:02,132
but if you'll get out of this damned hole
in the ground and come with us, I'll--
340
00:14:02,132 --> 00:14:06,178
I'll buy you the RS-470 Vapor
crossbow package.
341
00:14:06,178 --> 00:14:09,223
[Moon] What on earth would I do
with a crossbow in here, Father?
342
00:14:09,223 --> 00:14:10,307
Are you joking?
343
00:14:10,307 --> 00:14:14,687
You've been begging me for the RS470
every single day for two years.
344
00:14:14,687 --> 00:14:18,524
I was so naive, but now my eyes
are open wider than Natalie's.
345
00:14:18,524 --> 00:14:19,942
Who is Natalie?
346
00:14:19,942 --> 00:14:21,861
Dad, I'm not coming out for the crossbow.
347
00:14:21,861 --> 00:14:24,321
Or for anything.
I'm more bunker than boy now.
348
00:14:24,321 --> 00:14:27,032
- I'm staying in here forever!
- [Beef groans]
349
00:14:35,082 --> 00:14:37,209
- [Aunt Dirt] Can't sleep, you big galoot?
- Nope.
350
00:14:37,209 --> 00:14:38,377
- You?
- Nope.
351
00:14:38,377 --> 00:14:42,506
Keep calling old friends to catch up,
and finding out they died 20 years ago.
352
00:14:42,506 --> 00:14:43,716
LOL.
353
00:14:43,716 --> 00:14:45,718
Am I using that right? "Lots Of Loss"?
354
00:14:45,718 --> 00:14:47,887
Anyway, what's Mel-ing your Tormé?
355
00:14:47,887 --> 00:14:49,430
I'm just worried about Moon.
356
00:14:49,430 --> 00:14:51,891
He's gone off the grid before,
but never like this.
357
00:14:51,891 --> 00:14:54,602
You never wanted to take a powder
from the world for a bit?
358
00:14:54,602 --> 00:14:58,105
Of course. I love taking a powder,
but where does it end?
359
00:14:58,105 --> 00:15:01,233
Yeah. Lucky for me,
prom happened before I checked out.
360
00:15:01,233 --> 00:15:02,568
Best night of my life.
361
00:15:02,568 --> 00:15:05,487
My friend Melinda snuck in
a flask of mint juleps,
362
00:15:05,487 --> 00:15:08,073
and we spent the whole night
dancing to Mary Wells
363
00:15:08,073 --> 00:15:10,659
before we barfed beneath
the northern lights together.
364
00:15:10,659 --> 00:15:12,703
Sounds like a pretty groovy time.
365
00:15:12,703 --> 00:15:15,581
- It was absolutely boss.
- [sighs]
366
00:15:15,581 --> 00:15:17,041
All right, enough is enough.
367
00:15:17,041 --> 00:15:20,878
Moon is going to his Lil Prommers
Prom Prep for Lil Preppers Practice Prom
368
00:15:20,878 --> 00:15:22,755
if I have to dig through the Earth's crust
369
00:15:22,755 --> 00:15:25,132
and come up through
the bunker floor to get him out.
370
00:15:25,132 --> 00:15:26,800
Well, you don't have to go that far.
371
00:15:26,800 --> 00:15:28,010
Don't tell the Russkies,
372
00:15:28,010 --> 00:15:30,471
but one of the bunker walls is
just straight up plywood.
373
00:15:30,471 --> 00:15:32,556
Kind of ran out of bunker cash at the end.
374
00:15:32,556 --> 00:15:35,726
All you gotta do is dig down
a couple feet, give it a swift kick.
375
00:15:35,726 --> 00:15:37,478
- [laughing]
- [Beef grunts]
376
00:15:37,478 --> 00:15:39,063
- [Moon gasps]
- [Beef grunts]
377
00:15:39,063 --> 00:15:40,648
What in the actual hell?
378
00:15:40,648 --> 00:15:44,026
Moon, the Lil Prommers Prom Prep
for Lil Preppers Practice Prom
379
00:15:44,026 --> 00:15:46,153
is in 12 hours, and you're gonna be there.
380
00:15:46,153 --> 00:15:47,613
- Hard pass.
- Enough!
381
00:15:47,613 --> 00:15:50,574
I will not have you wasting
your life buried in some tomb.
382
00:15:50,574 --> 00:15:51,659
Okay, rude.
383
00:15:51,659 --> 00:15:53,327
Nice try, boomer!
384
00:15:53,327 --> 00:15:55,037
[grunts]
385
00:15:55,037 --> 00:15:56,664
- [grunts]
- Where did he...
386
00:15:56,664 --> 00:15:57,957
Where did my son go?
387
00:15:57,957 --> 00:16:01,210
Uh, well, I guess he discovered
the backup bunker.
388
00:16:01,210 --> 00:16:03,128
The bunker has a backup bunker?
389
00:16:03,128 --> 00:16:05,255
- And you didn't tell me?
- My bad.
390
00:16:05,255 --> 00:16:07,424
You ever hear that one before, Beef?
"My bad."
391
00:16:07,424 --> 00:16:11,261
It's just one of the fun bits of slang
I've picked up this week, and I love it.
392
00:16:11,261 --> 00:16:12,471
It really sings.
393
00:16:12,471 --> 00:16:13,597
My bad.
394
00:16:17,017 --> 00:16:21,063
Moon, please, you can't just live in
a hole in a hole in the ground.
395
00:16:21,063 --> 00:16:25,025
I can as long as someone regularly
dribbles some beans down the air vent.
396
00:16:25,025 --> 00:16:27,736
- Technically, that's true.
- Son, I get it.
397
00:16:27,736 --> 00:16:30,364
Your Aunt Dirt's return
has made me realize
398
00:16:30,364 --> 00:16:33,534
that we Tobins have
a natural bunker mentality.
399
00:16:33,534 --> 00:16:36,620
But your aunt and I have not set
the best example for you.
400
00:16:36,620 --> 00:16:39,039
- What? I'm incredible.
- [Moon] Agreed!
401
00:16:39,039 --> 00:16:42,251
Think of all the things you'd miss
if you really stayed in here, Moon.
402
00:16:42,251 --> 00:16:46,422
I mean, the sound of your boots
crunching over freshly-fallen August snow,
403
00:16:46,422 --> 00:16:49,049
or that first sip of coffee
as the sun rises.
404
00:16:49,049 --> 00:16:50,801
What about Deal or No Deal?
405
00:16:50,801 --> 00:16:52,720
You love to watch Howie make a deal.
406
00:16:52,720 --> 00:16:54,972
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, Dad!
407
00:16:54,972 --> 00:16:57,391
Aunt Dirt lived without those things,
and she's perfect.
408
00:16:57,391 --> 00:16:58,892
I'm gonna be just like her.
409
00:16:58,892 --> 00:17:00,853
Ugh. Moon, listen.
410
00:17:00,853 --> 00:17:03,605
I understand exactly how you feel.
411
00:17:03,605 --> 00:17:06,900
Sometimes it feels like
the whole world's one big scary communist
412
00:17:06,900 --> 00:17:09,028
trying to violently invade Alaska
413
00:17:09,028 --> 00:17:11,697
and make your secret girlfriend
Melinda break up with you
414
00:17:11,697 --> 00:17:14,658
so she can marry Frank,
the Molasses King of Wasilla.
415
00:17:14,658 --> 00:17:17,411
That's not exactly how I feel.
416
00:17:17,411 --> 00:17:20,205
Wait. Melinda?
From the prom and the barfing?
417
00:17:20,205 --> 00:17:22,291
That's why you went in here.
418
00:17:22,291 --> 00:17:24,543
Well, the, uh-- It was mostly the Soviets,
419
00:17:24,543 --> 00:17:28,172
but, yeah, yeah, also a little bit the
secret-girlfriend-marrying-Frank thing.
420
00:17:28,172 --> 00:17:30,424
So, you got rejected too?
421
00:17:30,424 --> 00:17:33,510
Oh, big time. When those Russian
tanks rolled out of the sea--
422
00:17:33,510 --> 00:17:34,762
It was an earthquake.
423
00:17:34,762 --> 00:17:38,724
Well, that was the morning I got the news
that Melinda went ahead and married Frank.
424
00:17:38,724 --> 00:17:41,560
I know how that feels.
Quinn didn't just say "no" to me.
425
00:17:41,560 --> 00:17:43,270
She's going with someone else.
426
00:17:43,270 --> 00:17:45,272
My only choice was to come in the bunker.
427
00:17:45,272 --> 00:17:46,648
Just like you, Aunt Dirt.
428
00:17:46,648 --> 00:17:49,735
Well, now, a few days ago,
I would have agreed with you.
429
00:17:49,735 --> 00:17:52,154
But since you guys coaxed me
out of my hidey-hole,
430
00:17:52,154 --> 00:17:54,573
I've realized how much I've missed out on.
431
00:17:54,573 --> 00:17:56,033
Like Toaster Strudel.
432
00:17:56,033 --> 00:17:58,410
And pornography that moves around.
433
00:17:58,410 --> 00:18:01,205
And things getting better
for gals like me.
434
00:18:01,205 --> 00:18:04,333
- All equally amazing developments.
- [Moon] Hmm.
435
00:18:04,333 --> 00:18:06,376
So, yeah, I get you want to be like me
436
00:18:06,376 --> 00:18:09,296
because I'm basically Vince
from that movie I watched this morning--
437
00:18:09,296 --> 00:18:10,923
Entourage: The Movie.
438
00:18:10,923 --> 00:18:13,634
But, Moon, don't be like this part of me.
439
00:18:13,634 --> 00:18:17,221
I realize you can't see me, but
I am gesturing to the bunker right now.
440
00:18:17,221 --> 00:18:19,640
But what if I never
get over my heartbreak?
441
00:18:19,640 --> 00:18:21,558
Did you ever get over yours?
442
00:18:21,558 --> 00:18:22,726
I think so.
443
00:18:22,726 --> 00:18:26,188
I'm actually thinking I'm gonna ask out
that spicy waitress at the diner.
444
00:18:26,188 --> 00:18:29,399
You guys made a fuss,
but she was eye-honking me right back.
445
00:18:29,399 --> 00:18:31,443
And it might not have worked out
with Quinn,
446
00:18:31,443 --> 00:18:34,530
but you could meet another hotsy-totsy
at a sock hop
447
00:18:34,530 --> 00:18:36,782
or a clambake or a Beatles concert.
448
00:18:36,782 --> 00:18:40,702
[gasps] Boy, I'd love to see my favorites
John and George again.
449
00:18:40,702 --> 00:18:41,912
- Oh, boy.
- What?
450
00:18:41,912 --> 00:18:43,080
Nothing. Uh--
451
00:18:43,080 --> 00:18:44,748
Uh, Aunt Dirt's right, Moon.
452
00:18:44,748 --> 00:18:46,625
Your life's gonna be pretty good.
453
00:18:46,625 --> 00:18:48,418
Be a shame if you missed it.
454
00:18:49,378 --> 00:18:52,089
I am willing to give society
one more chance,
455
00:18:52,089 --> 00:18:54,299
if Aunt Dirt will honor one request.
456
00:18:54,299 --> 00:18:56,009
Shoot your shot, playa.
457
00:18:56,009 --> 00:18:58,470
Oh, is that not a real slang?
Did Honeybee trick me?
458
00:18:58,470 --> 00:19:00,973
[instrumental dance music playing]
459
00:19:01,890 --> 00:19:03,058
[sighs]
460
00:19:05,310 --> 00:19:09,106
Incredible. NASA figured out how
to make spoons out of chips, huh?
461
00:19:09,106 --> 00:19:10,774
Wait till Ham hears about this.
462
00:19:10,774 --> 00:19:13,944
I think Ham knows about
Tostitos Scoops, Aunt Dirt.
463
00:19:13,944 --> 00:19:15,904
Hi, Moon. Nice to see you
this fine evening.
464
00:19:15,904 --> 00:19:17,823
Hello, Quinn. Where's your date?
465
00:19:17,823 --> 00:19:19,491
I'm prepared to shake his hand.
466
00:19:19,491 --> 00:19:21,368
Moon, this is my date, David.
467
00:19:21,368 --> 00:19:22,619
- David, Moon.
- [David squeals]
468
00:19:22,619 --> 00:19:25,455
You turned me down
for a potbellied pig in a vest?
469
00:19:25,455 --> 00:19:27,791
He also had little pants,
but he pooped them.
470
00:19:27,791 --> 00:19:29,376
- And then ate them.
- I see.
471
00:19:29,376 --> 00:19:32,212
And I turned you down
because this is a practice prom
472
00:19:32,212 --> 00:19:34,047
so I wanted to bring a practice date.
473
00:19:34,047 --> 00:19:35,716
Besides, David loves to dance.
474
00:19:35,716 --> 00:19:38,427
Oh. In that case, mind if I cut in?
475
00:19:38,427 --> 00:19:40,429
My dance card's been empty for years.
476
00:19:40,971 --> 00:19:43,098
Care to, uh, dance?
477
00:19:53,734 --> 00:19:55,652
Have you seen this? The iPod Nano?
478
00:19:55,652 --> 00:19:56,862
Look how small it is.
479
00:19:56,862 --> 00:19:58,405
Guess how many songs it can hold?
480
00:19:58,405 --> 00:20:00,699
- A hundred billion.
- Pretty much.
481
00:20:00,699 --> 00:20:02,534
Wow. What'll they think of next?
482
00:20:02,534 --> 00:20:04,077
I guess I'll find out, huh?
483
00:20:04,077 --> 00:20:06,997
You can keep bringing cool stuff
down to the bunker for me to see
484
00:20:06,997 --> 00:20:08,999
because the hatch is always open.
485
00:20:08,999 --> 00:20:10,876
Literally, thanks to your father.
486
00:20:10,876 --> 00:20:13,795
Okay, all the locks
are off all the hatch doors.
487
00:20:13,795 --> 00:20:16,798
Unless there's a hatch
within the hatch within the hatch?
488
00:20:16,798 --> 00:20:17,883
Nope, that's it.
489
00:20:17,883 --> 00:20:20,510
I just hope no commies break in
in the middle of the night.
490
00:20:20,510 --> 00:20:23,555
Okay, Lenny Bruce, that's not funny.
Don't even joke about that.
491
00:20:23,555 --> 00:20:26,099
I mean, if you want to joke around,
at least tell a real one.
492
00:20:26,099 --> 00:20:28,310
Like, why didn't the lifeguard
save the hippie?
493
00:20:28,310 --> 00:20:30,812
'Cause he was too far out, man.
494
00:20:31,772 --> 00:20:33,065
{\an8}Ya gotta help me, Doc.
495
00:20:33,065 --> 00:20:35,567
{\an8}I just feel so dang tired all the time.
496
00:20:37,444 --> 00:20:40,822
{\an8}Here, Billy, try one of these
Dr. Bojangle’s Energy Crackers.
497
00:20:40,822 --> 00:20:42,074
{\an8}[crunches]
498
00:20:48,205 --> 00:20:49,915
{\an8}♪ When you're feeling kinda sluggish ♪
499
00:20:49,915 --> 00:20:51,500
{\an8}♪ Not so very ruggish ♪
500
00:20:51,500 --> 00:20:54,336
{\an8}♪ And you pray the day
Will simply go away ♪
501
00:20:54,336 --> 00:20:56,088
{\an8}♪ Have yourself a Dr. Bojangle’s ♪
502
00:20:56,088 --> 00:20:59,925
{\an8}♪ The cracker with all the angles
Which nine million out of ten doctors ♪
503
00:20:59,925 --> 00:21:02,427
{\an8}♪ Prescribe today! ♪