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♪ Look up there ♪
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♪ What do you see? ♪
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♪ Nature and stuff ♪
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- ♪ Like a rock ♪
- ♪ And a tree ♪
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♪ Oh, the Great North ♪
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{\an8}♪ Way up here, you can breathe the air ♪
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♪ Catch some fish ♪
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♪ Or gaze at a bear ♪
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♪ Wow ♪
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♪ Oh, the Great North ♪
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♪ Here we live, oh, oh ♪
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♪ Here we'll stay, oh, whoo ♪
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♪ From longest night to longest day ♪
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♪ In the Great North. ♪
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{\an8}I can't remember
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{\an8}if it's fork on the left
or spoon on the left.
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{\an8}If I don't figure this out now,
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{\an8}what will I do if I get crowned princess
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{\an8}of a small European country?
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{\an8}If you behead a few people
right off the bat,
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{\an8}they won't care
how you place your flatware.
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{\an8}Luckily, our table-setting expert
is right here.
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{\an8}Care to weigh in,
Lone Moose's Cup King, Ham Tobin?
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{\an8}So... not like I had it?
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{\an8}Sorry, Wolf. I'm in the middle
of a major crisis here.
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{\an8}I am freaking out
about the stupid assignment
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{\an8}for my public speaking elective.
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{\an8}It's worth 50% of our grade
and it's known as...
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{\an8}The soul crusher.
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{\an8}You belong to me now, Ham.
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{\an8}As you can probably guess
by how demonic Moon is acting,
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{\an8}the assignment
is to give a speech to his class.
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{\an8}No, not room 15.
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{\an8}They're notorious hecklers.
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{\an8}I heard Jeremy Nicholbottom
transferred schools
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{\an8}after presenting
to that class last semester.
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{\an8}Who did you hear that from?
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{\an8}Who didn't I hear it from?
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{\an8}The heckles get so bad most people
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{\an8}don't even finish the speech.
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{\an8}Mr. Golovkin teaches my class
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{\an8}and he loves failing people
for not finishing.
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{\an8}He called it "one of life's delights."
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{\an8}And the topic of the speech
isn't helping, either.
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{\an8}It's "Alaska: Wow."
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{\an8}That sounds easy. Alaska is full of wows.
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{\an8}Which of its many wonders
are you focusing on?
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{\an8}Let me read you what I have so far.
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{\an8}"Alaska has the longest coastline
in the nation
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{\an8}with 66,000 miles of shorelines. Wow."
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{\an8}Oh, Ham, my class is gonna eat you alive.
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{\an8}And I'll personally
pick the last bit of gristle
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{\an8}off your bones.
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Moon, that's your brother.
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Family means nothing in room 15.
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What if this brings
my grade down to a B-minus?
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That's a Ham Tobin F.
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I'll have to run away to Seattle,
and I'm no Frasier.
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I'm not even a Niles.
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Ham, buddy, calm down.
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You just need a more "Alaska: Wow" topic.
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If I were giving the speech--
which I am not
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because I chose turquoise jewelry design
as my elective--
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I'd tell a story with some sizzle.
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I, too, could spin
any number of colorful Alaskan yarns.
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I've also got an Alaskan story in my butt
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that'll make you say "what?"
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Fools.
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I bet none of your stories
would impress me.
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How about we make it a contest?
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We each tell our own "Alaska: Wow" story
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and Moon chooses the best one.
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And then I can use that one
for my presentation.
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It's not plagiarism when
you're saving your own life.
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I'm in. And like velour sweatpants
and infinity scarves,
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you're both already out.
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And if you snooze, you lose.
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Sorry, just some good-natured ribbing,
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nothing personal meant by it.
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Whereas everything I say
during your stories will be personal.
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Who's first?
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The loud teen, the plaid mumbler
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or the lady dressed as Barney's sister?
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The heckling has begun.
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I stay ready so I don't have to get ready.
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I'll go first. [sighs] Now presenting:
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the true story of how Bob Ross,
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one of America's most beloved painters
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found inspiration in Alaska.
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Perfect topic, Judy.
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Ten-year-olds go crazy
for beloved painters.
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Well, no.
Well, no, it was-it was more exciting
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than just that because, uh, uh, true fact:
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Bob Ross was stationed here
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in the Air Force.
You like airplanes, right?
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And he was part of a, um,
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Air Force fighter pilot training thingy.
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And it's really exciting.
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And cinematic, actually, some might say.
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We see Bob-Judy Maverick Ross,
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flying in a very cool fighter jet.
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Wow, Ham Hock,
look at these gorgeous clouds.
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I mean, I know we're in the middle
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of life-or-death flight training,
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but I-I... I simply must paint them.
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Uh, Bob-Judy Maverick Ross,
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I think you should fly the plane.
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Sorry, but you know they call me Maverick
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because of my unorthodox flying style.
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Aah! Bob-Judy Maverick Ross,
please stop painting.
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- We're headed right for a mountain!
- Whoops.
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Eh, Ham Hock might be okay.
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Ham Hock's dead.
That's the eighth navigator you've killed
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this week with your painting.
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What can I say? I'm a Maverick.
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Damn it, I ought to ground you,
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but because everyone else is dead
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and you have a cool leather jacket,
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I'm sending you
to the most elite flight academy
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in the country: Snow Gun.
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Bob-Judy was sent
to Snow Gun in Alaska,
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and Chief Beeferson was also going,
for plot reasons.
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So, Bob-Judy sets off for the North.
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As he's landing, he knows he's gonna
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love Snow Gun Alaska because--
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Because they had hunk volleyball!
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Just a bunch of shirtless dudes
having fun,
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patting butts, screaming, "Yeah!"
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in slow-motion.
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What are the rules?
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Nobody knows and nobody cares.
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- Wolf.
- What?
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We were all waiting for that scene.
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Stop messing up my story.
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Yeah, she wants to mess it up herself.
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Judy, please. I need this to be good.
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And it will be, because
the best thing about Snow Gun was
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the gorgeous Alaskan scenery.
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Bob-Judy knew right away
that he would need to paint
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all of it while flying
and killing more pilots.
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I need to paint all of this while flying
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and killing more pilots.
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And then Maverick
meets his new nemeses,
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IceWolf and HoneyBarf.
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We know all about
your reputation, Maverick.
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You're too dangerous to be in a plane.
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Your dad was reckless, too.
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Hundreds of men died on D-Day
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because your dad was sculpting
in his plane over Normandy.
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And in the War of 1812, your great-grandpa
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would fall off his horse
because of his damn decoupage.
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Wow, you guys know a lot about my family.
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We know your painting
is writing checks your plane can't cash.
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And even though
we hate each other right now
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we're gonna later
come to share a mutual respect.
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Looking forward to it.
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Maverick!
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I finally found someone
willing to fly with you.
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- Call sign: Goose.
- Honk.
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Bob-Judy, no more painting up there.
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I can't bury another man,
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even if that man is a goose.
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Damn this majestic Alaskan scenery.
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Maybe I'll just paint
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one little happy tree...
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Honk!
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Eject, Goose, eject!
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Bob-Judy ejects just in time,
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but Goose couldn't work the ejection lever
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because uh, because he was a goose.
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- Honk! Honk, honk, honk, honk!
- No!
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- But, luckily, Goose remembered
- Honk.
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- he could fly.
- Honk. Honk!
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But then he got sucked into the engine.
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My painting.
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Oh, and Goose!
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Moon, I hope you're liking
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this story because things
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are about to get "soary."
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The only thing you should
be "soary" about is talking, babe.
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Did you just call your sister "babe"?
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It's an energy, Dad.
Please don't question it.
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Come on, Judy, I need something good.
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I'm gonna be pulled limb from limb
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by a bunch of toddlers tomorrow.
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And then we'll sword fight with your arms
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while your
partially-living head still screams.
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Fun. So,
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Bob-Judy is despondent
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after losing-slash-killing
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his best and only friend, Goose.
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Goose's wife and child were also sad.
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- Honk.
- Honk.
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But this isn't about them.
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It's about our cool hero,
who expressed his sadness
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by riding a motorcycle. But then
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something exciting happened.
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Damn it. We've got bogeys.
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Scramble the jets!
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What the hell?
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Damn it, Mav.
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We have to send these planes up now.
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Oh, really?
Can we at least let them dry first?
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So, IceWolf and HoneyBarf
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are fighting the enemy and saying
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cool fighter stuff, like...
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- Lock and load.
- Roger that.
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Aircraft carrier.
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The MiG on our six is not engaging.
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It's like... it's like he can't see us.
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And that's when they realized
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Bob-Judy's painting had made the planes...
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Invisible. Damn it, Mav, you did it.
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But then Chief Beeferson notices...
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The sun is setting.
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All the sky colors
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are changing in a breathtaking way.
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But Beeferson had an idea.
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IceWolf, HoneyBarf, I need you to fly
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full speed towards that building.
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Sounds great, you got it.
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Pull up, pull up!
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And because
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of how much Alaska
made Bob-Judy say, "Wow!,"
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the good guys from America won against
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the vague but definitely evil bad guys.
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Well, Maverick,
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- I guess I respect you now.
- To Maverick.
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Then Bob-Judy
pops the champagne bottle
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and hits the mom goose,
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- who also dies.
- Honk!
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- Geez, Judy.
- What? You wanted excitement.
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Okay. Moon, did you love it?
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I love when it ended.
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Not to worry, Ham. I've got a speech
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about something that makes
everyone say "wow": flags.
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Your groans of excitement are warranted.
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I'm gonna tell you the true story
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of how Alaska's actual state flag
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came to be designed by
a 14-year-old named Benny Benson.
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A real Alaskan hero
close in age to yourself,
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and I will tell it based on
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a truly action-packed movie I recently saw
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that was originally
about math and janitors.
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- Young Benny Quinnson...
- Oh, my God.
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Did you change the boy
who designed the Alaskan flag
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into Moon's crush Quinn
in a sad attempt to win?
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I definitely don't have a crush on Quinn.
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That's defamation, but I'm listening.
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Benny Quinnson worked as a janitor
251
00:08:49,529 --> 00:08:51,155
at Alaska Flag University,
252
00:08:51,155 --> 00:08:53,491
the foremost institution for flag design.
253
00:08:53,491 --> 00:08:55,952
Well, if it isn't Mary Moppins.
254
00:08:57,578 --> 00:09:00,331
Mop that, loser.
You're just a 14-year-old punk
255
00:09:00,331 --> 00:09:02,833
who doesn't know
anything about flag design and, uh,
256
00:09:02,833 --> 00:09:05,461
- you never will.
- But Benny Quinnson had a secret
257
00:09:05,461 --> 00:09:07,463
none of the flag design students knew:
258
00:09:07,463 --> 00:09:11,217
she was a flag design genius,
with the ability to see
259
00:09:11,217 --> 00:09:14,136
the beautiful complexity
of flags that others couldn't.
260
00:09:14,136 --> 00:09:17,056
But she kept it to herself
because all of her friends
261
00:09:17,056 --> 00:09:19,016
were nice but also super dumb.
262
00:09:19,016 --> 00:09:20,768
And all they did was play
263
00:09:20,768 --> 00:09:22,645
hunk volleyball!
264
00:09:22,645 --> 00:09:24,730
Just a bunch of shirtless townies
265
00:09:24,730 --> 00:09:26,232
breaking into the university at night,
266
00:09:26,232 --> 00:09:27,316
and the air conditioning is off,
267
00:09:27,316 --> 00:09:28,568
so they're greasy as hell.
268
00:09:28,568 --> 00:09:29,819
What are the rules out here?
269
00:09:29,819 --> 00:09:31,862
Nobody knows and nobody cares.
270
00:09:31,862 --> 00:09:33,447
- Wolf.
- Okay, fine.
271
00:09:33,447 --> 00:09:35,533
Actually, all Benny and her friends did
272
00:09:35,533 --> 00:09:38,578
was hang out at the local bar
in their Alaskan town.
273
00:09:38,578 --> 00:09:40,496
Hello, my dirtbag friend, HoneyBen.
274
00:09:40,496 --> 00:09:43,165
I'm also a dirtbag
who turns out to be a genius
275
00:09:43,165 --> 00:09:45,084
but never forgets her dirtbag roots.
276
00:09:45,084 --> 00:09:46,711
As your best friend
who's the same age as you,
277
00:09:46,711 --> 00:09:47,920
you want a drink?
278
00:09:47,920 --> 00:09:49,505
Of course, because I have a sad
279
00:09:49,505 --> 00:09:51,007
flag-related thing in my past
280
00:09:51,007 --> 00:09:52,592
I'm trying to repress.
281
00:09:52,592 --> 00:09:55,136
I can't believe that you're
so much better at creating flags
282
00:09:55,136 --> 00:09:57,763
than everyone at the school,
but you're just a janitor there.
283
00:09:57,763 --> 00:10:00,391
That's all I've ever known.
My dad was a janitor
284
00:10:00,391 --> 00:10:01,892
and his dad was a janitor
285
00:10:01,892 --> 00:10:03,394
and his dad was a mop.
286
00:10:03,394 --> 00:10:05,104
You know, every morning
when I come to your house,
287
00:10:05,104 --> 00:10:06,522
I hope you're not there.
288
00:10:06,522 --> 00:10:08,316
That's a mean thing to say.
289
00:10:08,316 --> 00:10:11,527
No. It's-it's heartfelt.
Because you're too smart.
290
00:10:11,527 --> 00:10:13,571
You know, they're looking
for someone to make a new flag
291
00:10:13,571 --> 00:10:14,822
for our great state of Alaska.
292
00:10:14,822 --> 00:10:16,532
If it ain't about sweeping or trash,
293
00:10:16,532 --> 00:10:17,617
I don't want to hear it.
294
00:10:17,617 --> 00:10:18,993
I've put flags behind me
295
00:10:18,993 --> 00:10:21,454
because of that sad
flag-related thing in my past.
296
00:10:24,624 --> 00:10:27,335
{\an8}Wow, you really know
how to make a floor wet.
297
00:10:27,335 --> 00:10:28,753
{\an8}Thank you.
298
00:10:28,753 --> 00:10:31,672
But you know what
you know even more? Flags.
299
00:10:31,672 --> 00:10:33,799
I know you solved the unsolvable equation
300
00:10:33,799 --> 00:10:35,051
that I left on the board.
301
00:10:35,051 --> 00:10:36,927
You could be the next Flannery McBanner,
302
00:10:36,927 --> 00:10:38,846
and they named banners after her.
303
00:10:38,846 --> 00:10:40,890
Flags aren't just pieces of fabric
304
00:10:40,890 --> 00:10:42,642
flapping in the wind like idiots,
305
00:10:42,642 --> 00:10:44,143
they give us our identity,
306
00:10:44,143 --> 00:10:46,812
and you could create
the one our state needs.
307
00:10:46,812 --> 00:10:48,439
- I can't.
- Is it because
308
00:10:48,439 --> 00:10:50,483
you have a sad flag-related thing
in your past?
309
00:10:50,483 --> 00:10:52,735
Yes, that's exactly what it is.
310
00:10:52,735 --> 00:10:54,987
Then I need to send you
to a "tell it like it is" therapist
311
00:10:54,987 --> 00:10:56,614
who will never give up on you.
312
00:10:56,614 --> 00:10:59,367
{\an8}I'm Dr. Notyafault,
and I'm gonna help you
313
00:10:59,367 --> 00:11:02,244
{\an8}with the sad flag-related thing
in your past.
314
00:11:02,244 --> 00:11:04,330
{\an8}I'm also gonna tell it like it is.
315
00:11:04,330 --> 00:11:07,833
Let me guess-- a flag killed
your beloved pony, Peppermint?
316
00:11:07,833 --> 00:11:09,835
Yes. That is what happened.
317
00:11:09,835 --> 00:11:12,421
{\an8}All I wanted was to show
my beloved pony, Peppermint,
318
00:11:12,421 --> 00:11:13,923
{\an8}the largest flag in the world.
319
00:11:13,923 --> 00:11:16,342
{\an8}He also loved flags, because who doesn't?
320
00:11:16,342 --> 00:11:18,260
{\an8}But when I stood back
to take a photo of my pony
321
00:11:18,260 --> 00:11:20,388
{\an8}near the flag, the flag was too heavy.
322
00:11:20,388 --> 00:11:23,265
{\an8}It flattened him to death.
323
00:11:23,265 --> 00:11:25,059
The only thing left to bury was his tail.
324
00:11:25,059 --> 00:11:26,394
After that, I swore
325
00:11:26,394 --> 00:11:28,062
I'd never have anything
to do with flags again,
326
00:11:28,062 --> 00:11:29,480
which is why I bought a zoo
327
00:11:29,480 --> 00:11:31,524
and tried to deal with my amnesia
while being chased
328
00:11:31,524 --> 00:11:34,402
by international assassins
hell-bent on killing me.
329
00:11:35,444 --> 00:11:37,238
Here's the deed to your zoo.
330
00:11:37,238 --> 00:11:39,949
- Aah!
- Beef,
331
00:11:39,949 --> 00:11:41,951
no! Those are totally different
Matt Damon movies.
332
00:11:41,951 --> 00:11:42,952
- Are they?
- Yep.
333
00:11:42,952 --> 00:11:43,953
Right.
334
00:11:43,953 --> 00:11:45,037
So then...
335
00:11:45,037 --> 00:11:46,747
Benny Quinnson, I know you're sad
336
00:11:46,747 --> 00:11:48,624
that a flag flattened Peppermint,
337
00:11:48,624 --> 00:11:50,209
but I must tell it like it is.
338
00:11:50,209 --> 00:11:51,794
You're a flag genius.
339
00:11:51,794 --> 00:11:53,170
You can't keep running from this.
340
00:11:53,170 --> 00:11:54,922
Yes, I can.
341
00:11:54,922 --> 00:11:56,507
I'll never give up on you,
342
00:11:56,507 --> 00:11:58,134
but I will bill you for this session
343
00:11:58,134 --> 00:12:00,261
even though you have 44 minutes left.
344
00:12:02,346 --> 00:12:04,265
And so Benny ran.
345
00:12:04,265 --> 00:12:07,017
Ran even though she knew
she should stop running.
346
00:12:07,017 --> 00:12:09,437
Just like you should
stop running your damn mouth.
347
00:12:09,437 --> 00:12:11,272
- Moon.
- If you can't stand the heat,
348
00:12:11,272 --> 00:12:13,023
stay out of the crematorium, babe.
349
00:12:13,023 --> 00:12:15,317
Come on, Dad, I need a miracle.
350
00:12:15,317 --> 00:12:17,862
Hang in there, Ham. So, Dr. Notyafault
351
00:12:17,862 --> 00:12:19,488
doesn't give up on Benny
352
00:12:19,488 --> 00:12:21,031
because he refuses to.
353
00:12:21,031 --> 00:12:22,408
Hi, Dr. Notyafault.
354
00:12:22,408 --> 00:12:23,784
Thinking about flags, kid?
355
00:12:23,784 --> 00:12:25,077
Always.
356
00:12:25,077 --> 00:12:26,954
Benny, what happened to Peppermint--
357
00:12:26,954 --> 00:12:28,289
it's not ya fault.
358
00:12:28,289 --> 00:12:29,415
Yes, it is.
359
00:12:29,415 --> 00:12:30,416
- Isn't.
- Is.
360
00:12:30,416 --> 00:12:32,334
- No, it's not.
- Hm, yeah.
361
00:12:32,334 --> 00:12:34,253
I never looked at it that way before.
It's not my fault.
362
00:12:34,253 --> 00:12:35,629
You're cured.
363
00:12:35,629 --> 00:12:38,132
Now, can I tell you the story
of how my wife died?
364
00:12:38,132 --> 00:12:40,050
- No, thank you.
- Well, I listened to your thing,
365
00:12:40,050 --> 00:12:41,469
but fine. You know,
366
00:12:41,469 --> 00:12:43,804
a flag can say so much with so little.
367
00:12:43,804 --> 00:12:47,725
That flag of our great state
of Alaska will stay blank,
368
00:12:47,725 --> 00:12:49,018
saying nothing at all,
369
00:12:49,018 --> 00:12:51,645
unless somebody
figures out how to fill it in.
370
00:12:54,607 --> 00:12:56,150
Huh. Now that my best friend left
371
00:12:56,150 --> 00:12:57,401
without even saying goodbye,
372
00:12:57,401 --> 00:12:59,361
it actually feels pretty bad.
373
00:12:59,361 --> 00:13:01,572
So even though Benny was only 14,
374
00:13:01,572 --> 00:13:04,658
she created a flag
that was just like Alaska--
375
00:13:04,658 --> 00:13:07,036
beautiful in its simplicity.
376
00:13:07,036 --> 00:13:09,789
That son of a bitch.
This flag was her fault.
377
00:13:09,789 --> 00:13:11,540
And I love it.
378
00:13:11,540 --> 00:13:14,376
The majesty...
379
00:13:14,376 --> 00:13:15,878
of flags.
380
00:13:15,878 --> 00:13:19,131
Father, the only interest I have in flags
381
00:13:19,131 --> 00:13:21,258
is you moving ours to half-mast
382
00:13:21,258 --> 00:13:24,220
'cause your funeral
is right around the corner, old man.
383
00:13:24,220 --> 00:13:25,721
You see how I'm talking to Dad, Ham?
384
00:13:25,721 --> 00:13:27,598
To our own father,
whom I actually respect?
385
00:13:27,598 --> 00:13:29,391
Now imagine there's 20 of me,
386
00:13:29,391 --> 00:13:31,393
desperate to get to
their pudding pack at lunch.
387
00:13:31,393 --> 00:13:33,187
Oh, God, I'm doomed.
388
00:13:33,187 --> 00:13:36,023
Maybe I should see if Jeff Bezos
wants to take me to space
389
00:13:36,023 --> 00:13:37,817
like that little Dutch boy.
390
00:13:37,817 --> 00:13:40,027
Ham, keep it together,
'cause I'm about to destroy
391
00:13:40,027 --> 00:13:41,237
your father and sister.
392
00:13:41,237 --> 00:13:42,863
- Leave the threats to me.
- So sorry.
393
00:13:42,863 --> 00:13:44,657
Now, before I start up my story car
394
00:13:44,657 --> 00:13:46,700
and drive it directly into your brain,
395
00:13:46,700 --> 00:13:48,035
let me ask you one thing,
396
00:13:48,035 --> 00:13:49,620
Moon, do you hate vegetables?
397
00:13:49,620 --> 00:13:51,455
I do, in fact, hate vegetables.
398
00:13:51,455 --> 00:13:53,916
Then imagine a world,
right here in Alaska,
399
00:13:53,916 --> 00:13:56,710
where the only food was plain vegetables.
400
00:13:56,710 --> 00:13:58,504
Then, imagine that one man,
401
00:13:58,504 --> 00:14:01,298
an ordinary plumber
by the name of Steve Henson,
402
00:14:01,298 --> 00:14:03,634
was about to do something extraordinary.
403
00:14:03,634 --> 00:14:06,178
To make an invention
that would echo through time,
404
00:14:06,178 --> 00:14:08,222
bringing joy to millions.
405
00:14:08,222 --> 00:14:11,308
Yes, that man invented ranch dressing,
406
00:14:11,308 --> 00:14:13,477
and I'm gonna tell you
how he did it in a way that's fun
407
00:14:13,477 --> 00:14:15,896
and actiony and
doesn't totally make sense,
408
00:14:15,896 --> 00:14:18,023
like The Matrix,
but also totally original.
409
00:14:18,023 --> 00:14:19,400
Just go with it.
410
00:14:19,400 --> 00:14:21,277
So, we're in, like, this dystopian future,
411
00:14:21,277 --> 00:14:23,028
and in this dystopian future
412
00:14:23,028 --> 00:14:24,321
we find an ordinary plumber
413
00:14:24,321 --> 00:14:25,614
living in Alaska
414
00:14:25,614 --> 00:14:27,324
by the name of Honey-bee-o Henson.
415
00:14:27,324 --> 00:14:29,326
Tell me, Honey, will this story
416
00:14:29,326 --> 00:14:31,161
"bee" over anytime soon?
417
00:14:31,161 --> 00:14:33,998
I just started.
And it's "bee-o," like Neo.
418
00:14:33,998 --> 00:14:36,792
Again, not that this is
based on The Matrix or anything.
419
00:14:36,792 --> 00:14:38,752
Honeybee, you are now my only hope.
420
00:14:38,752 --> 00:14:40,546
I am begging you to take this seriously.
421
00:14:40,546 --> 00:14:43,924
And I'm begging you to stop now
while you're way, way behind.
422
00:14:43,924 --> 00:14:45,926
Both of you shut your holes
and let me roll.
423
00:14:45,926 --> 00:14:48,262
Like I said, there were
only vegetables in this world,
424
00:14:48,262 --> 00:14:50,848
so that's all anyone
ate, day in and day out.
425
00:14:50,848 --> 00:14:52,558
Until one spooky morning,
426
00:14:52,558 --> 00:14:54,018
when Honey-bee-o goes to the fridge and...
427
00:14:54,018 --> 00:14:55,686
Wake up, Honey-bee-o.
428
00:14:55,686 --> 00:14:56,937
But I am awake.
429
00:14:56,937 --> 00:14:58,272
Never mind, I'm coming out.
430
00:14:59,273 --> 00:15:00,566
Then the fridge door opened,
431
00:15:00,566 --> 00:15:02,651
and a cool,
mysterious bad boy stepped out,
432
00:15:02,651 --> 00:15:03,819
Guy Morfieri.
433
00:15:03,819 --> 00:15:04,945
Hello, Honey-bee-o.
434
00:15:04,945 --> 00:15:07,156
The world you're living in is a lie.
435
00:15:07,156 --> 00:15:08,866
Also, you're low on radishes.
436
00:15:08,866 --> 00:15:10,993
Okay, how did you get in there?
And in here?
437
00:15:10,993 --> 00:15:12,328
There's no time to explain,
438
00:15:12,328 --> 00:15:14,538
and it also wouldn't
make any sense, but listen,
439
00:15:14,538 --> 00:15:16,040
this world-- the world around you--
440
00:15:16,040 --> 00:15:17,791
it's actually imaginary.
441
00:15:17,791 --> 00:15:19,335
Everything? Even my toilet?
442
00:15:19,335 --> 00:15:22,129
Especially your toilet,
but there is a real world.
443
00:15:22,129 --> 00:15:23,505
With real toilets?
444
00:15:23,505 --> 00:15:26,091
Stop talking about toilets.
I need you to focus.
445
00:15:26,091 --> 00:15:28,594
The real world is just people in goo pods.
446
00:15:28,594 --> 00:15:31,138
It's pretty gross,
but at least it's real, or whatever.
447
00:15:31,138 --> 00:15:32,473
And are there toilets in there?
448
00:15:32,473 --> 00:15:34,308
- I swear to God.
- Sorry.
449
00:15:34,308 --> 00:15:36,810
Look, we have to wake
everyone up from goo sleep
450
00:15:36,810 --> 00:15:39,480
to set them free,
so I've chosen you to help.
451
00:15:39,480 --> 00:15:40,481
Make sense?
452
00:15:40,481 --> 00:15:41,565
- Nope.
- Perfect.
453
00:15:41,565 --> 00:15:43,359
Oh, and here's the big thing:
454
00:15:43,359 --> 00:15:45,319
vegetables don't have to taste bad.
455
00:15:45,319 --> 00:15:46,737
We've all been lied to,
456
00:15:46,737 --> 00:15:48,989
and that's why you have to choose.
457
00:15:48,989 --> 00:15:51,617
Eat this Brussel sprout,
and you stay in the world you know,
458
00:15:51,617 --> 00:15:53,494
or take this clove of garlic and change
459
00:15:53,494 --> 00:15:55,120
everything forever
460
00:15:55,120 --> 00:15:56,664
and be in a bunch of danger.
461
00:15:56,664 --> 00:15:57,706
Brussel sprout, please.
462
00:15:57,706 --> 00:15:59,249
- No, pick the other one.
- Uh,
463
00:15:59,249 --> 00:16:00,918
normally, I don't eat straight-up garlic
464
00:16:00,918 --> 00:16:02,753
from men who step out of my refrigerator,
465
00:16:02,753 --> 00:16:04,797
but you're charming as hell
and your hair makes me smile,
466
00:16:04,797 --> 00:16:06,006
so let's go.
467
00:16:09,009 --> 00:16:10,678
So, what do you think so far, Moon?
468
00:16:10,678 --> 00:16:12,429
I liked the part where
you said vegetables suck,
469
00:16:12,429 --> 00:16:14,890
but I hated the part
where you kept talking.
470
00:16:14,890 --> 00:16:18,060
Oh, no! Talking is, like,
the main part of a presentation.
471
00:16:18,060 --> 00:16:19,520
Sounds like I'm still in the running.
472
00:16:19,520 --> 00:16:22,147
And I think my flag story was pretty nice.
473
00:16:22,147 --> 00:16:24,858
And I think it was a war crime.
Tomato, "tomahto."
474
00:16:24,858 --> 00:16:26,235
Speaking of tomatoes,
475
00:16:26,235 --> 00:16:27,903
when Honey-bee-o takes the garlic,
476
00:16:27,903 --> 00:16:29,780
she and Guy Morfieri go into this,
477
00:16:29,780 --> 00:16:31,740
like, uh, white void space
478
00:16:31,740 --> 00:16:33,158
so she can train to save the world
479
00:16:33,158 --> 00:16:34,618
from flavorless vegetables,
starting with...
480
00:16:34,618 --> 00:16:36,537
{\an8}Hunk volleyball!
481
00:16:36,537 --> 00:16:38,122
It's dudes in leather shorts
482
00:16:38,122 --> 00:16:40,165
spinning a cauliflower ball on one finger.
483
00:16:40,165 --> 00:16:41,834
- Wolf!
- Sorry, my Matrix Maven.
484
00:16:41,834 --> 00:16:43,210
- Go on.
- So,
485
00:16:43,210 --> 00:16:45,212
Honey-bee-o and Guy Morfieri do, like,
486
00:16:45,212 --> 00:16:47,131
karate stuff and some light gymnastics,
487
00:16:47,131 --> 00:16:49,383
and it's very unclear how
those things would help people
488
00:16:49,383 --> 00:16:51,468
get out of goo pods,
but it looks cool as hell.
489
00:16:51,468 --> 00:16:53,095
Damn it.
No matter how cool this looks,
490
00:16:53,095 --> 00:16:54,138
it isn't working.
491
00:16:54,138 --> 00:16:55,931
- What should we do?
- Hmm. I know.
492
00:16:55,931 --> 00:16:57,975
Let's go see a weird
lady who speaks in riddles
493
00:16:57,975 --> 00:16:59,560
and will also not explain anything.
494
00:16:59,560 --> 00:17:00,644
Perfect.
495
00:17:00,644 --> 00:17:02,062
As The Jude-acle,
496
00:17:02,062 --> 00:17:03,313
I can tell you you might
497
00:17:03,313 --> 00:17:05,107
be The One, Honey-bee-o,
498
00:17:05,107 --> 00:17:07,443
but first you have to believe
that you're The One.
499
00:17:07,443 --> 00:17:09,528
So, am I The One? Or...
500
00:17:09,528 --> 00:17:11,739
I'm pretty sure it's you,
but I'm wrong a lot.
501
00:17:11,739 --> 00:17:13,907
I thought the guy
in The Jinx documentary was innocent,
502
00:17:13,907 --> 00:17:14,950
so, you know what I mean?
503
00:17:14,950 --> 00:17:16,785
And then, um...
504
00:17:16,785 --> 00:17:19,246
something happens. Give me a sec.
505
00:17:19,246 --> 00:17:20,914
You don't remember the movie, do you?
506
00:17:20,914 --> 00:17:22,374
- What movie?
- The Matrix.
507
00:17:22,374 --> 00:17:24,918
This isn't that.
It's just a cool story I'm making up.
508
00:17:24,918 --> 00:17:27,087
Oh, oh, oh, hold on, I remember now.
509
00:17:27,087 --> 00:17:28,964
I just remembered I'm supposed to upload
510
00:17:28,964 --> 00:17:30,299
some instructions to your brain.
511
00:17:30,299 --> 00:17:32,885
I'm just gonna pop back
to goo world real quick.
512
00:17:32,885 --> 00:17:35,345
Cool spoon trick.
513
00:17:35,345 --> 00:17:37,306
Okay, um, sorry about that. I just
514
00:17:37,306 --> 00:17:39,475
uploaded something
to your goo world brain.
515
00:17:42,269 --> 00:17:44,229
A recipe for some kind of sauce.
516
00:17:44,229 --> 00:17:46,440
Oh, and I also uploaded a playlist called
517
00:17:46,440 --> 00:17:48,484
"Now That's What Guy Calls Music"
518
00:17:48,484 --> 00:17:50,235
that takes me to an emotional Flavortown
519
00:17:50,235 --> 00:17:52,446
when I'm feeling down.
A lot of Spin Doctors on there.
520
00:17:52,446 --> 00:17:54,406
Well, then why don't we go ahead now
521
00:17:54,406 --> 00:17:55,657
and get back to the goo world,
522
00:17:55,657 --> 00:17:57,743
make this sauce recipe
you uploaded in my brain
523
00:17:57,743 --> 00:17:59,078
and then put it in the goo pods
524
00:17:59,078 --> 00:18:00,287
so I can win this story competition.
525
00:18:00,287 --> 00:18:01,830
Wait, what story competition?
526
00:18:01,830 --> 00:18:03,540
No time to explain. Let's go.
527
00:18:03,540 --> 00:18:06,627
And then Agent Beef Smith shows up
528
00:18:06,627 --> 00:18:08,045
to stop them because
he wants people to stay
529
00:18:08,045 --> 00:18:09,296
in those goo pods forever.
530
00:18:09,296 --> 00:18:11,423
Vegetables should not be delicious.
531
00:18:11,423 --> 00:18:14,218
If you don't like dry broccoli,
just try it wet.
532
00:18:14,218 --> 00:18:15,928
- Like, soaked in water?
- Yes.
533
00:18:15,928 --> 00:18:18,722
What are you talking about, man?
Nobody wants wet-getables.
534
00:18:18,722 --> 00:18:21,100
Honey-bee-o, kick this guy's ass.
535
00:18:21,100 --> 00:18:22,351
And then they fought.
536
00:18:22,351 --> 00:18:24,770
Honey-bee-o used his, uh, mind powers
537
00:18:24,770 --> 00:18:26,522
to make ingredients appear and made them
538
00:18:26,522 --> 00:18:28,398
fly around and mixed it all in the air
539
00:18:28,398 --> 00:18:30,150
in a big ol' blob of floating sauce,
540
00:18:30,150 --> 00:18:31,902
but then Agent Beef Smith
541
00:18:31,902 --> 00:18:33,987
shoots at him with carrot bullets.
542
00:18:33,987 --> 00:18:36,657
But he stops them mid-air
with flavor powers.
543
00:18:38,033 --> 00:18:39,576
Wow!
544
00:18:39,576 --> 00:18:41,411
With the perfect combination
of buttermilk,
545
00:18:41,411 --> 00:18:44,373
mayo, eggs and a proprietary blend
of herbs and spices,
546
00:18:44,373 --> 00:18:47,668
I've invented an amazing sauce
right here in this fine state.
547
00:18:47,668 --> 00:18:49,294
I'll call it Donkey Sauce.
548
00:18:49,294 --> 00:18:50,754
I will sue you into oblivion.
549
00:18:50,754 --> 00:18:52,840
Ranch dressing it is.
550
00:18:52,840 --> 00:18:54,633
And then she
sends the carrot with the ranch dressing
551
00:18:54,633 --> 00:18:57,553
into his mouth
and the flavor was too delicious.
552
00:18:57,553 --> 00:18:59,513
No! It's too delicious!
553
00:18:59,513 --> 00:19:00,764
Aah!
554
00:19:01,849 --> 00:19:04,101
- Honey-bee-o, you did it.
- Yes, and I think it all
555
00:19:04,101 --> 00:19:05,561
made perfect sense, don't you?
556
00:19:05,561 --> 00:19:07,896
Definitely. Let's go sauce those pods.
557
00:19:07,896 --> 00:19:10,524
So then everyone
got free of their goo pods, and then,
558
00:19:10,524 --> 00:19:12,693
in the sequel,
they have a big rave in a cave.
559
00:19:12,693 --> 00:19:14,903
And that's the true story
of how Alaska was the site
560
00:19:14,903 --> 00:19:17,072
of the invention
of the most perfect sauce of all time.
561
00:19:17,072 --> 00:19:18,866
And the real inventor's name
was Steven Henson,
562
00:19:18,866 --> 00:19:20,784
and I worship him and his beautiful mind.
563
00:19:20,784 --> 00:19:22,035
Case closed. I win.
564
00:19:22,035 --> 00:19:24,580
Ugh. Did she win, Moon? Or did Judy win?
565
00:19:24,580 --> 00:19:26,165
Or Dad?
566
00:19:26,165 --> 00:19:28,292
Which story will make it
so I don't wind up peeing my pants
567
00:19:28,292 --> 00:19:29,293
in front of your class?
568
00:19:29,293 --> 00:19:30,878
Hmm. I'm sorry, Ham,
569
00:19:30,878 --> 00:19:32,462
but I can't choose.
570
00:19:32,462 --> 00:19:35,174
I'm forced to declare a three-way tie
571
00:19:35,174 --> 00:19:37,634
for worst story ever.
572
00:19:37,634 --> 00:19:39,344
But my story was about hating vegetables.
573
00:19:39,344 --> 00:19:41,013
It was about salad,
574
00:19:41,013 --> 00:19:43,473
which I wouldn't even eat
if it was dipped in frosting.
575
00:19:43,473 --> 00:19:46,226
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
What am I supposed to do?
576
00:19:46,226 --> 00:19:49,229
I'm sorry, Ham,
but it's time to get your affairs in order
577
00:19:49,229 --> 00:19:51,773
because tomorrow, you die.
578
00:19:51,773 --> 00:19:54,902
All right, everyone,
I have just realized that the lasagna
579
00:19:54,902 --> 00:19:57,362
has been in
for 90 extra minutes and is on fire,
580
00:19:57,362 --> 00:19:59,907
so, let's extinguish it
and go out for pizza.
581
00:20:01,575 --> 00:20:03,869
Desperate to get to their pudding pack.
582
00:20:03,869 --> 00:20:06,121
- Pack. Pack. Pack.
-"Now That's What Guy Calls Music."
583
00:20:06,121 --> 00:20:07,247
- Music. Music. Music.
- Wouldn't even eat it
584
00:20:07,247 --> 00:20:08,749
if it was dipped in frosting.
585
00:20:08,749 --> 00:20:11,335
I know what I have to do.
586
00:20:13,712 --> 00:20:17,132
Um, so, uh, today,
587
00:20:17,132 --> 00:20:20,761
I will be telling you
about Alaska's coastlines...
588
00:20:20,761 --> 00:20:23,055
- Boo!
- So long, brother.
589
00:20:23,055 --> 00:20:24,973
...as shown on these
590
00:20:24,973 --> 00:20:26,934
cupcakes I made!
591
00:20:26,934 --> 00:20:28,936
Everyone gets six.
592
00:20:28,936 --> 00:20:32,356
Six whole cupcakes that
you will get to eat during my speech.
593
00:20:32,356 --> 00:20:33,982
Now we're talking.
594
00:20:33,982 --> 00:20:36,902
You son of a bitch. You cracked it.
595
00:20:36,902 --> 00:20:39,988
Are you really giving each
of my students six cupcakes?
596
00:20:39,988 --> 00:20:42,115
Yep. And in ten minutes
it'll be your problem.
597
00:20:42,115 --> 00:20:44,034
But for now, their mouths are too full
598
00:20:44,034 --> 00:20:45,369
to say a word, so...
599
00:20:45,369 --> 00:20:47,246
Wow!
600
00:20:47,246 --> 00:20:50,832
Our great state has
the longest coastline in the nation.
601
00:20:50,832 --> 00:20:52,584
{\an8}♪ When it comes to setting tables ♪
602
00:20:52,584 --> 00:20:54,920
{\an8}♪ There's one man who knows his stuff ♪
603
00:20:54,920 --> 00:20:56,922
{\an8}♪ The proper placement of a salad knife ♪
604
00:20:56,922 --> 00:20:58,507
{\an8}♪ A meal time stud, the king of cups ♪
605
00:20:58,507 --> 00:21:01,426
{\an8}♪ Unrivaled use of charger plates ♪
606
00:21:01,426 --> 00:21:03,428
{\an8}- ♪ Knows which glass is for wine ♪
- ♪ That one ♪
607
00:21:03,428 --> 00:21:06,431
{\an8}♪ Just give that man a call
and he'll make that table fine ♪
608
00:21:06,431 --> 00:21:08,600
{\an8}- ♪ It's Ham ♪
- ♪ Ham ♪
609
00:21:08,600 --> 00:21:11,770
{\an8}♪ The Lone Moose king of cups, it's Ham ♪
610
00:21:11,770 --> 00:21:13,438
{\an8}- ♪ Ham ♪
- ♪ Sit down to eat ♪
611
00:21:13,438 --> 00:21:15,357
{\an8}♪ And watch him strut, it's Ham ♪
612
00:21:15,357 --> 00:21:18,694
{\an8}- ♪ Ham ♪
- ♪ This kid has got the grease ♪
613
00:21:18,694 --> 00:21:20,862
{\an8}♪ He's better at setting tables than ♪
614
00:21:20,862 --> 00:21:22,864
{\an8}♪ That candle from
the Beauty and the Beast. ♪