♪ Look up there ♪
- ♪ What do you see? ♪ - ♪ Nature and stuff ♪
- ♪ Like a rock ♪ - ♪ And a tree ♪
[all] ♪ Hup, the Great North ♪
- ♪ Way up here, you can breathe the air ♪ - [all] ♪ Hup, hey, oh ♪
- ♪ Catch some fish ♪ - ♪ Or gaze at a bear ♪
♪ Wow ♪
♪ Hup, the Great North ♪
- ♪ Here we live ♪ - [all] ♪ Hup, oh ♪
- ♪ Here we'll stay ♪ - ♪ Whoo ♪
♪ From longest night to longest day ♪
♪ In the Great North ♪
[cheering]
...and because Rose only played dumb but was actually a manipulative snake,
I have to put Dorothy as my number one Golden Girl.
- Uh, Judy? - Huh, what?
Falling asleep during my Golden Girls ratings chat is very rude.
Oh, sorry, Alanis. I didn't mean to doze off,
but, you know, midsummer, the Alaskan sky is only dark for a very short window,
and it's like 2 a.m. right now, so I am trying my best.
Okay? And I do want to hear more of your GG rankings. I love it.
But the whole reason I came out here was to talk about me
and, uh, the clock is a-ticking.
Oh, yeah.
This time of the year is a little tough for you, huh?
Since the summer solstice thing in general is seen as kind of a sacred time
for mothers and daughters.
And all the mothers and daughters in Lone Moose
hold that big softball tournament.
Maybe you feel a little, I don't know, left out.
Uh, okay, that was a lot of assuming for an imaginary friend.
And look, maybe I do have a longing to play softball with my mom
and have a mother-daughter catch.
But actually, that's not what I wanna talk about.
Okay. Lay it on me.
Well, you know how I've been displaying my paintings on the wall
outside the Maude's All-Day bathrooms?
Um, I've now sold 15 paintings.
Oh, well, hey, I'm so proud of you.
Yeah. So I don't even care about all the mother-daughter stuff going on
because, clearly, I'm actually thriving right now.
Well, it doesn't surprise me, Judy.
Heartache can lead to some really powerful art.
I never could have written "Head Over Feet"
if my ferret, Devon, hadn't gotten stuck in that Pringles can and died.
[snoring]
- Judy, wake up. Don't fall off the roof. - [Judy gasps, sighs]
Yep, in I... [yawning]
- ...go. - Okay, she's--
Yep, that'll have to do.
Look at this gorgeous beast!
Gentlemen, we've created a cabbage patch full-grown adult.
It makes the Incredible Hulk look like an incredible pile of trash.
This dense-leaf daddy's gonna get first place
in the Longest Day Largest Vegetable Parade for sure!
Yep, just a few days to go. I'll stay on prune duty.
I've already fortified the crap out of the fence.
And, Dad, if I could borrow the generator,
I'd like to crank 2000 volts through this thing.
Well, Ham and I have been mostly reading or playing music for the cabbage
since studies show it can help their growth,
but today we are taking it to the next level with some ASMR.
[whispers] Listen to the soil. It mushes with the hum of life.
Wonderful, boys. Love how focused this team is.
Hey, Dad, before we go in, can I give him a little kiss?
Absolutely, Son.
Got another painting for you, Maude.
Looks like another banger, Judy.
Am I using that right?
- [giggling] No. - Oh, well.
Hey, you gonna stop by the mother-daughter softball tournament today?
Rebecca and Susanna Peterson got caught corking bats.
They've been banned for life so it's anyone's game.
Um, no. No, I'm-I'm not.
All the mother-daughter stuff this time of year, it's not-- I don't know,
it's a little much, don't you think?
I mean, we get it. Mothers have daughters, daughters have mothers.
[raspberry] Boring.
What I really need is to know who's been buying these paintings?
Would love to know more about my fandom.
Actually, the same person's bought all of 'em.
Really? Who is it?
Oh, I-I don't know who they are, but they're always wearing a big shroud.
- That's kind of weird. - [Mrs. Tuntley gasps]
- Are you overwhelmed by the painting? - No, I'm overwhelmed by breakfast clams.
Gotta go. Move, move.
[Honeybee] Hey, Jerry, over here.
Ready to enjoy some mother-daughter slow pitch?
Oh, hell yeah.
It's good to be back in a ballpark.
I've really missed going to watch our home team, the Fresno Footlongs.
Mm-hmm. And eating all the footlongs in the stands.
I'd eat so many, I'd get sick.
Me too. And not to be gross, and I know it's not possible,
but I'm pretty sure one time one came out intact in the bun and everything.
Couldn't help but overhear you 'cause I was actively eavesdropping,
but they don't sell hot dogs here.
What? No footlongs? Oh, this is a nightmare.
Oh, wait, hey, hey.
If you got a little footlong money burning a hole in your pocket,
I got a special deal on something pretty fun.
Oh, yeah. I love those stupid giant hands. We'll take two.
Oh, but I see you've each got two hands there.
The man has a point, HB.
Uh-oh, I'm getting a severe case of foam-mo
'cause of those absolutely rad foam fingers you guys got on.
Oh, yeah, these things are fun as hell.
You can do exaggerated pointing, pretend to pick your nose.
I mean, I might never take 'em off.
Oh, really?
Well, I might never take mine off either.
Wanna make it interesting?
- Oh, no. Now, don't turn this into that. - Into what?
When we were kids, Honeybee always made me do these stupid bets,
and she'd always win.
Not always. You went the longest eating just pickles.
Yeah, but I got a really bad vitamin deficiency,
and I lost my eyesight for 42 hours.
Well, if you think bets are stupid,
I guess you might as well just take off your foam fingers now.
No. You take off your foam fingers.
Never. I want you to bury me with these on.
Sticking out the dirt like this.
So everyone will know I'm number one at being dead.
Judy, wait.
Your new painting sold. Right before you came in.
Same fan.
Maude, is there anything else you can tell me about this person?
Well, I think it's a woman and when she paid,
I did see she had the letters RBG tattooed on her wrist.
Hmm, could be for Ruth Bader Ginsburg,
could be for Rhonda "Balloons" Grundelman, owner of the balloon store in Death Cliff,
I mean, both iconoclasts in their own way.
Oh, and her car had a bumper sticker that said,
"If you don't like how I'm driving, check your sexism."
[gasps] A feminist who loves my paintings? [sighs]
I'm going to find you, sweet soul sister.
Uh, so, do you want your 15 bucks or--
Oh, yes, but I am also gonna stare wistfully out the window just a bit more.
[sighs]
So you're gonna stalk and follow this mystery-buyer woman?
Judy, I never wanna limit your creative ideas,
but in this instance, I actually very much do.
I've gotta meet her.
I mean, it's nice to think
that an adult lady thinks my paintings are good.
The only time my actual mom showed any interest in my art
was when she made me doodle on her bar bills
so the waiters would think it was cute when she left without paying.
And you're sure this isn't just
about the summer solstice mother-daughter softball thing?
Pfft. Alanis, I don't even have time to think about something
like having a classic mother-daughter catch anymore.
I'm too busy blowing the damn minds of the Lone Moose art world.
Okay, I just--
All right, sweet dreams, Alanis. Gotta get some sleep.
Big stakeout tomorrow.
Hey, Dad, can you give me a ride to Maude's?
No can do, Judy. It's the cabbage's bath time.
[sighs] Okay, I guess I'll go see if Ham or Wolf can take me.
Wolf, Ham, where are you? [stammers]
Ah, I've been shot.
Oh, no. My husband, Abraham Lincoln.
Guys, can either of you give me a ride to town?
Judy, please! Don't interrupt.
We're rehearsing our historical pageant to present to the cabbage.
[groans] Is Honeybee around?
Oh, no, she took Jerry bowling.
Thinks that'll make him take his foam fingers off.
[shouts] Oh, my God!
Fine, I'll just get Lone Moose's Lone Uber since everybody's too busy for me.
Ugh. Read the room, Judy.
You're in a crowded theater, and I've just been shot.
All right, Maude. I just gotta meet this mystery-buyer woman
who's been buying all my paintings.
So I'm just gonna sit right here
and wait until she shows up again so I don't miss her.
You just missed her.
[gasps] Oh, no.
Oh, crap. Look, Kyle, I need your scooter quick.
What's mine is yours, Jude dude.
Bring her back with a full tank of gas.
- It's electric. - You heard me.
Wow. Looks like she's an artist too.
Wow wow wee waa.
- Hello there. - [shouts] Oh, sorry.
I'm just doing a routine, uh, peek in-- into your home home inspection.
And it's completely normal stuff and, by the way, yours looks great.
Sorry, I'm lying. I am not a peek into your home home inspector.
Um, I'm actually the person who painted all of those paintings you've been buying.
Please don't call 911 because you found a weird girl lady looking into your house.
What? Call 911? No way.
You're the painter. I'm Sherry. Probably your biggest fan. [giggles]
Oh. Uh, thank you.
I just had to meet the person who's attached to the eyes
that really like my art.
Well, I'm so glad you found me.
Your art, it-- it speaks to me.
- No, no. It screams to me! - Really?
Yeah, I was just scrolling through my social media one day, and I was like,
"Hold the phone, chicken bone. This would look amazing in my living room."
So I bought the painting,
and it did look amazing, so I bought another one.
No, I did! I swear I did!
Well, they do look great in there.
You seem like a really insightful young lady to me, Judy.
Oh, wow, thank you.
I do follow The Artist's Way.
Well, if I bought the book. I'm gonna buy the book.
Oh. You'll have to let me borrow that one.
You know, Judy, I think we were destined to meet here today.
And I think we are destined to have lunch together tomorrow.
You, me, that new high tea place in the mall, The Gentle Tea Bag.
What do you say? I'm buying.
Yeah. Well, yes, that sounds fun.
- Thanks, Sherry. - Oh, yay. Girls lunch.
Okay. So here's my card just in case anything comes up before tomorrow.
It's got my number and, oh-- and my blog.
But, ew, it's so stupid. Don't read it. [giggles]
"MotherGoddessMayI.com."
Mother Goddess, is that you?
Oh, yeah. It's just this thing some of my close friends call me.
You know, like an inside joke or whatever.
I can't even remember how it started anymore,
but I already committed to the domain name.
- So, you know, here we are. - [both chuckle]
I get that. It's like when I committed to the surfer look in fifth grade.
I put zinc on my nose and called everybody bruh.
[laughs] Yeah. It feels like we really do get each other. Don't we, Judy?
I really think we do, Sherry.
Oh, come on. You can call me Mother Goddess.
- Oh, oh. Oh. - Joking, joking.
Okay. See you tomorrow, my favorite artist in the world. [giggles]
See you tomorrow too, my favorite--
my favorite person who buys my art in the world.
[sighs]
You guys will not believe what happened to me today.
[giggles] Look at this one.
I swear to God our cabbage is smiling.
Dad, text that one to me.
Are those biceps?
Is it weird that I think he could rescue me from a burning building?
So I guess no one wants to hear what I was gonna say, uh.
[Beef] My pruning's really paying off. He's my pride and joy.
Ham and I sat down and watched Garden State with him today.
Ugh, it was incredible. We all wept.
Wow, you guys are acting fully bonkers.
Honeybee, you can probably take those off. Jerry's not here.
You only think he's not here.
I guarantee you he's hiding somewhere in this house
trying to catch me removing them, so he can win.
I'm sure he's not here.
- [Jerry sneezes] - [shouts]
- Bless you, Jerry. - Thank you, Sis.
- [singsongy] But I'm still gonna win. - [singsongy] Curse you, Sis.
Okay, well, I'm gonna go eat in my room and paint another painting for Sherry,
I guess, since she's the only person who seems to give a crap about me.
Bye, Judy.
And how are we enjoying our corgis in a blanket?
[both] Royally. [laugh]
Judy, this new painting, it's breathtaking.
Your parents must be so proud.
Uh, it's actually just parent. Singular. Just my dad who's great.
But his usual compliment
of "another fine piece by Jude" can only carry my self-esteem so far.
Hmm, tell me more about this figure in the stars.
It's in so many of your paintings.
She seems almost maternal.
Oh, well, I hope this doesn't sound crazy.
I kind of see someone in the Northern Lights sometimes,
and I tell her my secrets.
That doesn't sound crazy at all.
I also talk to, well, I like to call them sky beings.
Really? You do?
Oh, yeah.
I've had incredible conversations with history makers all across the cosmos.
Albert Einstein, Serena Williams, Dennis the Menace.
It's kind of the basis of the spiritual stuff I'm into.
- Now, tell me about the boat. - Oh, that's my family's boat.
Your family has a boat? Well, I'd love to see it. [chuckles]
Hey, maybe you can take me for a tour sometime.
Well, we could even go tonight.
It'd be so much fun to do something together on the transversal. [chuckles]
- The what? - Oh, sorry.
Just a fancy term for the longest day of the year.
Also, I'm sure it's too short notice to go tonight.
You know what? Just forget it.
No, no, I don't wanna forget it. I'll check with my dad.
Well, if you insist. [chuckles]
Ooh, they've got free mints by the register.
Let me go load up my purse.
Excuse me. Could I get a box for my leftovers?
My brother Moon's not going to believe they make whole sandwiches
only out of cucumbers.
Sure thing. Hey, uh, are you in that lady's cult?
What? I don't think she has a cult.
Oh, no, she does.
My cousin Perry was in it for a month while he was unemployed.
He only got out when he moved to Wyoming to join a different cult.
Anyway, I'll go box these up for ya.
All right. Well, toodle-oo, Jud-a-loo.
Hey, let me know about that boat, okay?
It'd be great to continue our friendship in the next realm.
- Uh, sorry, what? - Cult.
Oh, I almost forgot. I made you a little something.
It's your moonstone, your birthstone, your sunstone,
and just a little stone I found in the dirt outside my trailer
that I thought looked neat. Here. Catch!
[chuckles] You catch.
[chuckles] Uh, what? I-I made this for you. [chuckles]
Thanks. Love it.
What? What are we doing? [chuckles]
Oh, you're so fun. Here. Just keep it, Judy.
- All right. I'll see you later. - Mother-daughter catch.
Hey, Dad. Before we all head to the Largest Vegetable Parade,
could I-- um, can I talk to you for a sec?
Give me a minute, Judy.
Moon's insisting he ride in the trailer with the cabbage, which is ridiculous
because I need to sit back here.
Okay, Dad, I'll just ask you my question in the car.
Gonna go grab my sunglasses. Brb.
I said it once, I'll say it again. He belongs on my lap.
No one is riding with the cabbage.
He needs to meditate.
[groans] Guys, we're gonna be late. Let's just go.
Please put on the mix tape we made for the cabbage, Dad.
It's all Huey Lewis, and he likes it loud.
♪ I used to be a renegade ♪
[music fades out]
Hey. Hey, come back.
[grunts] Okay. It, uh, seems like my family left without me.
I guess I don't have to ask permission to show Sherry the boat
because no one asked me for my permission to adopt a cabbage
and worship the ground it-- it cabbages on.
Hey, Sherry. I'm "a-boat" to make you very happy.
We are on for that tour.
[Moon] Cover his eyes. He's gonna get psyched out.
He's shaking.
Well, if Moon hadn't been so overprotective--
Sorry I give a damn.
[Mayor Peppers] Greetings, Lone Moose vegetable lovers.
The parade to the judging tent will begin shortly.
And remember, I'm the only judge. No checks or balances today.
Oh, look, it's starting. Sunrise, sunset, et cetera, et cetera.
Let's all get along. Here we go.
Hey, Sherry. You, uh, y-you brought some friends?
Oh, these are just two of my buddies from my spiritual group. Corey and Maria.
- What is up? - It's amazing to meet you.
Don't get freaked out by the shrouds.
I mostly wear it because it has a lot of pockets to hold all my Beanie Babies.
We have a thing later. So I just thought they could tag along.
Oh, uh, sure, I guess. Yeah.
Um, I'll just give you a quick tour. Welcome aboard The Mighty Kathleen.
Uh, FYI, I'm gonna skip the bathroom
because you can never truly clean a 30-year-old toilet.
And here is the dent from where I knocked out two of my baby teeth
and then later, two of my adult teeth.
And this is the wheel I use to steer when it's my turn to drive.
- You steer this big boat? - Uh-huh.
You truly are an amazement, Judy.
You just have to take us out on the water.
Well, I shouldn't without asking my dad, even though he'd probably just ignore me
and say something about the cabbage. So, you know what?
Yeah, let's do it. Just a quick little jaunt.
Do you mind if I take my Beanie Babies out of my pocket
so they can watch us sail?
Um, yeah, sure. That's fine.
Did you hear that, guys? She said it's cool.
[Sherry] Well, this is it.
The Mother Goddess is out on the Salvation Vessel
- with the Daughter of the Prophecy. - [stammers] Who?
And we're headed to the transversal vortex.
[clears throat] What are you talking about?
Oh, sorry. The transversal is simply the door
through which we can all depart the earthly plane for the multi-realm.
Yeah, me and the babies just gotta get to the next realm.
She looks really confused
for being the Daughter of the Prophecy, Mother Goddess.
All of this is on my blog, Judy. I assumed you read it.
Did you-- Did you not read it?
Uh, no. No one reads anyone's blog, Sherry. It's not the '90s.
Well, uh, let me give you the headlines.
This earth will be dissolving this very evening
and the lucky few who are on this boat will be departing for the next realm.
Oh, and speaking of departing,
I'm just gonna use the little Mother Goddess's room real quick.
Hey, Corey, Maria, can you keep an eye on her?
[singsongy] She's my favorite.
Oh, no. Cult.
I'm so excited to vibrate into the next realm with you, Julie.
Yeah, same. This realm is... [chuckles] ...whatever.
Yep, and it's happening just in time.
I'm in so much debt from buying Pelotons. I have so many.
I can't sit, stand or lie down in my home. Which is also being repossessed.
And I've been collecting all the Beanie Babies ever made
and I'm only missing Large Wallace and his squad
and I can't find them anywhere.
But Sherry told me there's a mint condition set
waiting for me in the next realm.
[grunts] Uh, and to, um, get to the next realm, you have to, uh--
Oh, don't worry. It'll just seem like we're dying.
Oh, perfect. Great. Great. Well, well, this was fun... [chuckles] ...wasn't it?
But I'm just gonna turn the boat around now and, uh, head back.
- [Sherry] Hey. - [shouts]
Uh-uh-uh, no turning back now.
Oh, God. [whimpers]
Catch her! Sit on her! Maria, sit on her!
Footlongs! Get your footlongs!
Oh, boy. They actually have footlongs tonight.
Over here. We'll take two. Just let me, uh...
- Dang it. - Wait, maybe I can get my wallet. [grunts]
You guys gonna pay or what?
Ugh. Are we really gonna miss out on footlongs?
- They're our favorite. - I know.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Jerry?
- On three? One, two, three. - One, two, three.
Oh, what the hell?
Ha! Honeybee Shaw, stupid bet champion of the world!
- Did I do it right? That what you needed? - You hired this guy?
Hell yeah, I hired him.
Well played, Sis. At least tell me the footlongs are real.
Of course they're real. I'm not a monster.
Now I can finally check my phone. It's been days.
Hang on. What the-- Oh, no. Judy.
You're up, bud. Remember, just have fun out there.
But also, holster your best stuff for the judging.
When we pass Mayor Peppers,
I don't just want him to see you're the best.
I want him to feel it. I want him to know it.
Guys, Judy's in trouble. Beef, can you track the boat?
I can on Londra's radar. What's happening?
I'll tell you on the way. Let's go!
But we have to be present during the judging or we're disqualified.
Moon, no. The large vegetable I care about the most is your sister Judy. Let's go!
Hey... [stammers] ...Santiago. You want a soon-to-be prize-winning cabbage?
We gotta go save our sis.
My own cabbage? This is the best day of my life.
You are, like, surprisingly good at sitting on people.
- So here's Billionaire the Bear... - [Judy straining]
...this is Biscuit from Biscuit and the Gravy Dogs, obviously.
And of course, you probably know my extremely limited Beanie Adult
Chef Joël Robuchon of the Four Seasons, New York.
Hey, Sherry. I really don't wanna go to the other realm.
Nonsense, Judy.
I've got something very special waiting just for you beyond the transversal.
- Something you really want. - Nope. That's okay.
I don't think there's anything I want that bad.
Oh, please, Judy. It's so obvious you're desperately in need of a mother.
Someone who will do anything for you and you'll do anything for her.
It's practically bursting out of your paintings.
I can be your Mother Goddess. And our passage to the next realm
will cement you as my Eternal Daughter of the Prophecy.
- Aw, that's so sweet. - What? That's not sweet. That is crazy.
You took advantage of me. You tricked me with praise and bracelets.
Are you even an RBG fan?
Yes. Red, blue, green. My favorite colors in order.
And that's not a bracelet, Judy. That's a planar shift passport.
It guarantees your entry to the next realm.
And I'm wearing this crown
because it will alert the dimensional gate guards to my high stature.
Which again, Judy, you'd know all about if you just read my blog!
Okay. I am realizing Alanis was right.
And I was looking for a mother figure because this time of year blows for me.
But-But you're not it.
A real mother-daughter relationship isn't about doing anything for each other.
I didn't wanna doodle on my mom's bar tabs.
I wanted her to pay for her drinks and also stop drinking.
That's a separate issue.
Wow, you need my maternal energy so bad right now. It's insane.
No, Sherry. You know what? You're right. I don't have a mom in my life,
but I do have a family, and they are gonna be real mad at me
if I bite it out here with you delusional freaks.
[strains, grunts]
I don't need you. You didn't even get my art.
It's about inequality in rural areas.
[screams] No! Chef Joël Robuchon Bear.
[gasps] Judy. Look, it's the transversal.
Here we go.
It's just an iceberg, you loony tune.
- [Judy, Sherry grunt] - [grunts] No, no, no.
No! You ruined everything!
Oh, no. Did we miss the salvation?
Uh, no, the veil between worlds is still super thin.
Let's just, uh, jump in the ocean.
No. The water is still very cold in the summer.
You will die and there won't be any Beanie Babies at all.
What? That can't be right.
Don't talk to my followers, Judy. You are not my daughter.
[scoffs] You bet I'm not. And, Sherry, I'll talk to whoever I want.
[siren blaring]
[sighs]
Judy, I'm sorry we all got so caught up in the giant vegetable.
Thanks, Dad. I'm okay.
But I am sorry I took a cult out on our boat.
And I kinda didn't want to say anything because I don't ever want you to think
that you're not enough.
But I guess I have been sort of lonely for a mother lately.
But then, when Sherry almost slammed me into an iceberg,
I was thinking there are lots of ladies in my life who care about me.
Like Kyle who lent me her scooter and Alyson who encourages my art.
And Maude who let me hang my paintings at her restaurant.
And don't forget about me, Judy.
You wouldn't even know who Countess Luann de Lesseps was
without my guidance.
True. It's kinda like I don't just have one regular mom.
I've got some kind of Frankenmom.
And she's made up of parts of different people spread all over town.
An arm over here, a leg over there. A heart at the-the, um-- the gazebo.
Oh, and when you guys aren't obsessed with a stupid giant vegetable,
you're pretty okay too.
Sorry. We got kinda carried away.
- But I mean, did you see the cabbage? - Moon.
Our lovable leafy lad didn't even end up winning?
Ugh, the cabbage lost to the Tuntleys' tomato.
Oh, ****!
Screw you, Judy. Your paintings aren't even that good.
Not true. I saw her latest work. It was in fact another fine piece by Jude.
Thanks, Dad.
♪ He's the hero of the garden His biceps are big and hard ♪
♪ And he'll leave the villains Black and blue ♪
♪ He's a hell of a lover Catches creeps while undercover ♪
♪ He's a cabbage through and through ♪
♪ High in vitamin C and vitamin K ♪
♪ This mother-sprouting cabbage Will save the day ♪
♪ Crunchy and delicious Strong and true ♪
♪ He was grown to rescue you ♪
♪ When the bad guys arrive He'll make them not alive ♪
♪ He's a cabbage through and through ♪