-♪ Look up there ♪ -♪ What do you see? ♪
♪ Nature and stuff ♪
-♪ Like a rock ♪ -♪ And a tree ♪
♪ Oh, the Great North ♪
♪ Way up here, you can breathe the air ♪
♪ Catch some fish ♪
♪ Or gaze at a bear ♪
♪ Wow ♪
♪ Oh, the Great North ♪
♪ Here we live, oh, oh ♪
♪ Here we'll stay, oh, whoo ♪
♪ From longest night to longest day ♪
♪ In the Great North. ♪
[cheering]
[Judy sighs, groans]
[crying, groaning]
What's with you? Do you have FOMO?
I just heard about that, 'cause Honeybee's been making me
watch a show called Epic FOMO Failures.
[sighs] I do not have FOMO, beloved Aunt Dirt.
I have sad-o.
Because, alas, my relationship with Cool Mike
has come to an end.
Wait, you were dating Cool Mike?
How did I not know that?
He's very cool.
Did he break up with you in a cool way?
Like on a skateboard or something?
He didn't dump me, okay? [short chuckle]
It was a mutual and amicable decision.
[crying]
So then why the screams, teen dream?
Because it is so sad when two equally cool people like us
-can't make it work. -Oh.
Is that why there was no new episode of Judy on Blast
on VidVok this morning?
Yes, yes, I have ended the show.
Thank you for respecting my privacy at this difficult time.
You know what, I think it's actually a good thing
that you're this upset.
In fact, I'm thrilled that you're this bummed.
You are?
Yes. Whenever one of my female friends back in Fresno
was bummed, I'd organize an amazing ladies' night.
Your brother can tell you-- I have really been missing those.
It's true. She sings Beyoncé's Renaissance album
beginning to end almost every night in her sleep.
I'm gonna fix this for you, girl.
A good ladies' night can cure any problem.
What about a very tenacious foot fungus?
No reason.
Oh, definitely. But you're not invited.
Judy, you can keep eating. Just blink twice if you're in.
-Blink, blink. -[Honeybee] Amazing.
Trust me, Judy, I've planned hundreds of ladies' nights
-over the years. -Hundreds?
You're right. It's probably closer to thousands.
I threw one when Veronica got asymmetrical bangs,
and by the end of the night, I swear they were straight across.
I also threw one for Caroline when her lip fillers hardened
into a sort of a beak.
Your friends really shouldn't go to the salon.
Aunt Dirt, you want in?
Uh, in my day, a girls' night meant meeting up
at the Lone Moose Heterosexual Courting Society
to have local men evaluate your hips
-for birthing. -[Honeybee] Nuh-uh.
On a Honeybee night, it's forbidden to talk about men.
The only D's we're interested in are drinking, dancing
and Domino's limited edition cheese-on-the-bottom pizza.
Well, then I'm all in.
Great. We leave at 8:00.
[gasps] That's only 13 hours away.
I better go get ready.
It takes 13 hours to prepare?
Yes. I have to take every piece of clothing out of my closet
and throw it on the floor before deciding
I have nothing to wear and going to buy a new outfit.
-Judy, you want to come with? -[crying]
Okay, well, I'll just pick you up
some very uncomfortable high heels
that you can take off halfway through the night.
If the ladies are busy tonight,
you fellas thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?
That we'll miss them terribly?
That a taco is basically just a type of sandwich?
Uh, I was gonna say boys' night.
I'm in. I'll prepare my weapons and reread The Art of War.
Hmm. It'll probably be more
of a "pizza and action movie" kind of thing.
Oh, there will be action.
Rivalries, anger, fisticuffs,
a raw return to nature.
Ooh, and let's do dips.
[chanting] Boys' night! Boys' night! Boys' night!
-[crying] -Get ready, Judy.
By the end of the night, your spirit will be renewed
and your breakup with Cool You-Know-Who
will be a distant memory.
Rest in peace, Dumb Mike.
I can't wait to feel better.
First things first, let's put the top down
and throw our hands in the air like we just don't care.
[weakly] Whoo-hoo.
Next stop, Dance Cliff,
the all-ages danceteria in Death Cliff.
The place with a big cliff in the middle of the dance floor?
Yep. People get hurt there all the time,
but it's exciting.
Sorry we're late. We were getting
the perfect boys' night snack from Val-U-Buy.
You can't spell "boys" without "Bagel Bites."
Oh, hell yeah.
And Moon very thoughtfully had me take him
to the last Blockbuster in the world in Whippleton
to get us two great action films on Blu-ray.
Anything for my boys.
Uh, why is Moon dressed like that?
A better question, Jerry--
why aren't any of you dressed like this?
How am I the only one prepared for boys' night?
Moon, tonight is actually just gonna be a pleasant eve
with a group of like-minded gentlemen.
Oh, Dad, you fool.
Plan for all the pleasantries you want.
But when you gather this many boys in one space for the night,
it always ends in all-out war.
That may have been true of boys' nights in medieval times, Moon,
but now we are in regular-eval times,
so let's talk about what movie we're gonna watch.
Olympus Has Fallen or White House Down?
-Olympus Has Fallen. -Oh, White House Down all the way.
Oh, I'll kill you.
Over my dead body.
Uh, you guys okay?
No. The only real fight Cheesecake and I have ever had
was over which of those movies was better.
Oh. A rivalry?
Hmm, how interesting.
I wasn't aware of that when I hand-selected these films.
Moon, what have you done?
-This is madness. -Are you freaking kidding me?
-[arguing continues] -And so it begins.
[Honeybee] So a few people drowned
in the fog machine and now no one gets to have any fun?
Thanks a lot, Health Department. Ugh.
It's okay, Honeybee. We can just go home.
No, no, no. I've never had a ladies' night go wrong,
and I'm not about to start tonight.
Not for your first one. I got it.
We can go to Take Salon Way Home and get spontaneous makeovers.
Nothing says "forget that guy" like a deep, smoky eye.
Sure. I have a coupon from them for a free Brazilian blowie.
I think you mean "blowout," but yeah.
What in the world is...
-Oh, no, no, no, no! -[all exclaiming]
Oh, he's getting out of the car.
Oh, good God. Oh, no!
My beautiful tank! My home!
What have you done? All my glitter water's running out.
Why the heck are you driving around
with a huge tank of glitter water?
Let me calm down so I can explain.
[burbling] Ah.
Hum-uh.
My name is Miami,
professional erotic merman performer.
May I present my card?
If you hold them up to your ear, you can hear the ocean.
Uh, thanks?
-Sorry we bumped into you. -You should be.
I have two big gigs tonight back-to-freakin'-back.
And nobody likes a dry show.
[engine struggles to start]
Ugh. My car is flooded.
Can you give me a ride?
Fat chance, Charlie Tuna.
Dirt! Um, excuse me, sir. Just a moment.
Let me confer with my girls.
Of course. I'll just warm up my siren song
while you decide how to make this up to me.
[vocalizing]
What is it? Are you gonna Shape of Water this guy?
-I won't tell Wolf. -No.
But I think he might be the key
to getting our ladies' night back on track.
-Really? How? -I'm thinking
wherever this guy's going, it's bound to be a party.
And that's just what Judy's booty needs.
Sure, but, actually, I really just want to--
Ah-ah-ah. An unexpected twist can be a good thing.
One time, we were supposed to take our friend Jessica out
to Club Sweat for UB40 Night,
but we got the date wrong and it was Thrash Metal Night.
But she ended up meeting her husband Thorg there.
They just had their second kid, Anarchin.
Oh, uh, actually, I was thinking maybe if I could,
like, talk to you guys about Cool Mike--
Ah-ah. Judy, what did I tell you?
Dwelling on that guy is just gonna bring you down.
You got to trust your Honeybee, okay?
This fish man is just what the ladies' night doctor ordered.
Okay, you're the boss.
[continues vocalizing]
All right, let's do this.
But if he turns out to be a real mermaid,
I am turning him in to the government to be dissected.
Merman, merman, merman.
Um, hello again, merman, sir.
We were just headed out for a night on the town ourselves,
-so we're gonna give you that ride. -Oh.
Great. If I miss a gig, I'll be in big trouble
and I won't get my 14%.
Sorry, you'll be in trouble with...
My mer-madam, Ethel, who does take 86% of my sensual dance fee
and does have a temper.
A violent, insatiable fury.
Interesting.
Is there a Mr. Ethel Mer-Madam?
No. I do suspect she has killed two husbands, though.
I'm liking her more and more.
Let me text my tank guy to come pick up the tank
before Ethel finds out.
Last time I broke it,
-she broke all my fingers. -[gasps] -Holy crap.
All the ladyfinger confectionary treats
I bought her as an apology.
I feel like you paused on purpose to get a reaction.
And I feel like you loved it.
-[phone chimes] -Ooh! Tank guy's on the way.
All right, let's flee this scene and heal our teen.
Wait till the girls in Fresno hear about this.
This is better than the night we gave a guy in a Grimace costume
a ride to the Olive Garden
and accidentally waited while he did a robbery.
So, uh, why were you all headed out on the town?
Just a traditional ladies' night
for a little cheer-up after a breakup.
Classic. Who's our dumped dame?
[crying] I am. There was this guy--
Who shall not be named.
That guy is dead to us.
And maybe dead for real.
Let's see where the night takes us.
[Wolf] What?! Are you nuts?!
Olympus Has Fallen is by far the superior
"Die Hard with the president" movie.
The only thing that's fallen is my respect for you.
White House Down is hands down the best.
I don't know how anyone can prefer Olympus.
Gerard Butler? More like Gerard Butt.
Ham, I love you, but you're legitimately psychotic
-and I'm not sure we should be together anymore. -[gasps]
Jerry, please don't say you like White House Down better.
I've already lost one brother.
That's right, you have.
You see this look on my face?
It's a White House frown.
My Olympus torch will never die.
Henry, which side are you on?
Does either movie have Minions or nudity?
Channing's down to a tank top at some point, if that counts.
And I'll pick this side, because it's closer.
You disgust me, Delmer.
You all disgust me.
Cheesecake, I'd marry Channing Tatum in a heartbeat,
and you know that. We've talked about that.
But Olympus Has Fallen
is head and shoulders above White House Down.
Let's talk facts.
Tatum's John Cale in White House Down
is so much more heroic than Butler's Mike Banning
in Olympus Has Fallen.
Cale is a Capitol Police officer,
while Gerard Butler is just Secret Service.
It's literally Butler's job
to protect the president with his life.
Tatum's John Cale has no such mandate,
yet he still chooses to step into the breach.
I'll step into your breach, Ham. [grunts]
Gentlemen! We are not going to descend into fisticuffs.
Guys, guys, Dad's right.
I know I orchestrated this chaos, but now...
i-it doesn't feel right.
This isn't who we are.
Wow. I appreciate you saying that, Moon.
-I agree. -Oh, maybe we can watch both movies.
One group can watch in the guesthouse.
[scoffs] On the tiny TV?
Wolf, this is the peaceful solution.
Fine. Olympus boys, let's go.
Here, you guys can take all the Bagel Bites
to heat up out there.
-Peace offering. -Thanks, Moon.
Dang, these are heavy.
-Must be all those cheeses. -There we go.
Let our men's night of fellowship resume.
Bye, everyone. See you in hell.
-[Honeybee] So, your first gig is here? -Oh, yeah.
Just 'cause you're almost dead doesn't mean
you're not erotically inclined.
All horndogs go to heaven.
[sighs] I hope they don't riot 'cause I don't have my tank.
Last time, one of them threw a crutch at me
-when I wouldn't go back to her room. -Ooh!
Getting onstage during a ladies' night
is a time-honored way to get your groove back.
We could back you up, add a little zazz.
-Can't hurt. -And Judy's a born performer.
She even has her own VidVok talk show.
Had. I, uh, chose to end it.
On my own terms.
You guys dance if you want. It's not for me.
Huh. Judy Tobin turning down a chance to grab the spotlight?
-That's not like you. -I'll do it.
And if you need me to pop my top off,
just give me a nod.
Miss Dirt, hit it.
-[music playing] -♪ Oh, when the tide comes in ♪
♪ The sands are getting wet ♪
♪ Gonna take you on a journey ♪
♪ You won't soon forget... ♪
Show me that fin, bad boy!
♪ I'm the king of the ocean ♪
♪ Watch this body in motion ♪
♪ Half man, half fish ♪
♪ Come on, it's Miami, bish. ♪
-[applause] -Hi, Babs.
Gloria, are those new teeth?
I love performing for you guys.
[loud groan]
Uh-oh.
[Judy wailing]
Judy, what's going on?
Sometimes people are very moved by my dance.
She'll recover, eventually, but she'll never be the same.
It's not that.
I mean, it was a good dance, it's just,
it's C-O-O-L M-I-K-E.
Seeing you guys on stage reminded me of him.
And I know the point of ladies' night
is not to talk about guys, but what-what if I need to?
Oh, damn, Judy.
I got so caught up in trying to fix your problem my way
that I haven't been listening.
Spill it, honey. We're here.
-Why did y'all break up? -Did he tell you
your legs look weird with your body?
-Wait, what? -Oh, well, they don't.
See, the thing is, I thought I was his real girlfriend,
but then I found out I was his... his secret girlfriend.
-Oh, no. -Oh, yes.
Because he was em-embarrassed of me.
-[crying] -Embarrassed of you?
I don't care what his name says. That's not cool.
Embarrassed of what?
I think it was just, like, me in general,
but specifically, my-my... my VidVok show.
-Oh. -That's why I deleted
all the old episodes of Judy on Blast
and foreswore my life of performing.
Well, it's been a while since I sent a teenager
to the infirmary, but I think I remember how.
So, this fool, Mike, broke up with you over some show?
It's not just some show.
It was my VidVok show, and it was called Judy on Blast.
-Yeesh. -Dirt!
And it was a live, daily talk show
where I interview my fellow students and sometimes
sing a little song or do a dance.
But it doesn't matter because it's dead and gone
and so is my budding variety hosting career.
You see, Kima sits behind Cool Mike in Government,
and she overheard him telling his friend Jace
that my VidVok show was too embarrassing,
and that's why I didn't want to get onstage with you tonight.
Judy, I'm sorry.
I promised you a great ladies' night
and instead, I've got you crying
in some kind of cursed retirement home chapel.
-I really messed this up. -It's okay, Honeybee.
We can just go home and I'll give myself
an impulsive haircut and start working on
-a whole new personality. -Now, you hold on, Miss Judy.
-Did you love doing that show? -Uh-huh.
But this boy made you feel ashamed of it?
-Uh-huh. -Let me tell you something.
Being a performer isn't about being cool.
It's about being your truest self.
-O-Okay. -I used to be married to a woman
who was embarrassed of the fact that I wanted to be a merman.
Whenever she found me in the tub with my tail on,
she would dump her salad right on me.
-What a waste. -But I wasn't meant to live my life on land.
I was born to be half fish
and shake my ass for bachelorette parties.
-Go off, king. -So I divorced Shaylee
and became the merman you see today.
Judy, it's time for you to pick up the pieces
of the salad that Cool Mike threw into your tub.
He may be cool, but you are a star.
Amen and hallelujah!
Now, do you have any idea where we might find
this so-called Cool Mike?
He's probably at Crocodile Rob's.
Him and his cool friends go there every Friday
for the blimey Bondi Beach bottomless buffet.
Well, then, I think we just booked our next gig.
But what about your next real gig?
Your mean mer-madam Ethel will be so mad.
Hey, this is girls' night, and by God, we're gonna finish it!
Oh, that just gave me chills.
-[gunfire on TV] -[man on TV] Watch your six!
Oh, hell yeah. Olympus is falling.
And what I need is some Bagel Bites
falling into my mouth.
I'll go heat them up. I have a special technique.
I turn the oven on, then put them in... uh, you'll see.
-[gasps] -Crispin, why are you gasping?
Oh, no, did all the tiny pepperonis fall off?
Worse. This bag is just full of rocks.
Scoundrels! Moon tricked us.
To quote from one of the greatest movies of all time--
Olympus Has Fallen, which we are currently watching--
"Our foe did not come only to destroy
"our things or our people.
"They came to desecrate a way of life.
Trample our freedom."
Well, Dad? Shall we go to war?
Okay. I tried to be a gentleman, but enough is enough.
If it's war my ten-year-old son wants,
then I say it's war he shall get!
Who's with me?
[all cheer]
[gunfire on TV]
Ooh! Here comes the part where the White House goes down.
[all scream]
[Wolf] Show yourselves, cowards!
-What the hell? -We're under attack!
I see they got my Bagel Bites.
What should we do?
Well, we could stay here and hide,
or I did happen to make 350 very well-packed snowballs
and stash them in the deep freezers downstairs today.
-Oh, let's do that. -[all cheering]
[Dirt] So that's him, huh?
Got to admit, he looks pretty cool.
Yeah, that's his thing. I hate it. I mean, I love it
-but I hate it. -[Australian accent] All right, young lady,
I did run your request by my manager, Crocodile Tanya,
and she said it did fall under our "no worries" policy,
so whenever you're ready, the floor is yours.
As our beer koozies proudly say,
"croc into a cold one."
Oh, it won't be cold, and it definitely won't be cool.
But it will be me.
Okay, I need this area clear, three chairs.
Honeybee, you're filming. Dirt and Miami, you're with me.
All right, folks, listen up.
Bit of a treat for you all. This young lady
Hosts a very famous VidVok show called Judy On Blast.
-Yecch. -Dirt!
-Sorry. -Judy? Oh, man.
What are you doing?
[Crocodile Tom] Without further ado,
round of applause for tonight's entertainment.
-[applause] -Take it away, Miami!
Hello, everyone. My name is Miami,
erotic merman performer.
Crocodile Tom, would you mind passing out some business cards?
-No worries. -Okay, everyone,
imagine I'm dancing in a tank.
One step ahead of you.
♪ It's time for Judy On Blast ♪
♪ With Judy ♪
♪ Welcome to On Blast, she's a cutie ♪
♪ It's Judy On Blast, welcome to the show. ♪
Good evening, everybody, I'm Judy.
-Judy! -No talking, strange teen.
-You're just the audience. -I love this.
And in just a few minutes we're gonna welcome to the stage
Cool Mike!
Ugh. Not cool, Judy. Not cool.
Okay, time for my opening monologue.
-Miami? -♪ Monologue music. ♪
-Sidekick? -So, Judy, what's new with you?
Well, until very recently, that guy right there,
pretending not to see me, Cool Mike, was...
-drumroll... -Ba-bum, ba-bum, ba-dum!
...my boyfriend.
[laughing]
Well, I mean, I thought he was, but it turns out
while he was happy to make out with me
in the janitor's closet--
which, in retrospect, should have been a red flag--
I wasn't his real boo.
I was his "secret" girlfriend.
Honey, no, you're beautiful.
That's right. But he
-was embarrassed of me. -Rude.
And, yes, many things I do are very embarrassing.
I talk too loud, I fart a lot.
Like, a lot. Like several times
-just since I got on stage. -Attagirl.
And I host this very dumb VidVok show
that only a few people watch.
And when I heard that Cool Mike didn't like it,
well, that got in my head.
Well, that's a shame. Shame on you, Cool Mike.
But tonight, my sister-in-law took me on a girls' night.
And the point of a girls' night is not just to
wave your hands in the air like you just don't care,
it's to wave yourself in the air
like you just do care.
We are getting salads out of bathtubs tonight!
Judy, please, can we talk about this somewhere else?
Nuh-uh. This is Judy On Blast,
not secret Judy in a janitor's closet
near the vomit bucket.
-It's a cool closet. -It is not.
And if you want to talk about it, Cool Mike,
why don't you come up here on stage?
[patrons chanting] Cool Mike! Cool Mike!
Everyone wants you out here on stage
being cool, big guy.
Okay, fine. Ugh.
I'm sorry for what I did or whatever.
But it's not my fault.
I just have a lot of pressure on me to be cool.
My whole family's very cool.
Don't blame the victim, Cool Mike.
Take accountability.
Ugh, not cool stuff bothers me.
Well, then, don't make out with that not cool stuff
-near a mop. -Keep talking, girl.
'Cause doing that means that you are, factually,
the one who is not cool.
[chanting] Not cool, Mike! Not cool, Mike!
Ugh, whatever. I got to go, anyway.
I'm late for my X Games tryout. [whimpering]
More like Good Riddance Mike!
[chuckles]
And now, everyone, put your hands together again
for my house band, Miami.
And after his song, I'll be talking
to Crocodile Tom about his favorite appetizers.
Me? What an honor.
Where are you, you little bagel boy?!
[gasps, screams]
[both grunting]
-[whimpering] -Aah! Attack!
[girls laughing]
Okay, that was incredible.
I know I've only been on one ladies' night,
but I want to say that that was the best one
in the history of all time,
and also all future time.
So I didn't let you down?
Well, it took a couple adjustments,
bit I dipped my metaphorical toe fungus
into ladies' night and I was healed!
[Miami] Oh, no, it's Ethel.
[gasps] Your scary mer-madam?
[Ethel] Miami!
You missed your second gig tonight, dumbass.
I had to send Cliff the Unicorn in your place,
and no one likes him.
He can't see out of his damn costume,
and he knocked over the chocolate fountain
they had set up.
Now he looks like a dirty donkey.
I'm sorry, Ethel, but tonight I had to tend to my girls.
Yeah, well, you're gonna have to tend to me now,
to the amount of 300 bucks.
Or we can forget this whole thing
and I can take you inside
for a couple of Vegemite teas.
-Hi, I'm Dirt. -Deal.
But I'm gonna drink $300 worth.
Will you marry me?
[Honeybee] All right, let's go put on sweatpants
and house these curly fries
and then we'll take you to pick up your tank.
Aah!
Oh, hey, hon. How was ladies' night?
Amazing. How was boys' night?
Oh, it's still going strong.
I got Cheesecake tied up in the guest house
and I'm forcing him to watch Olympus Has Fallen,
so don't be alarmed when you see him.
Very normal. Oh, and this is Miami,
my newest gal pal,
even though he's an erotic merman.
Oh, nice to meet you, Miami.
Any erotic merman friend of my wife's
-is an erotic merman friend of mine. -[grunts]
Get this trash off my White House lawn!
Oh, Dad, we're on the same team.
There are no teams in boys' night.
-Uh, I think Maude's is still open. -Good idea.
I hope they have the clam chowder,
because I love the sea.
♪ ♪
Captioning sponsored by BENTO BOX ENTERTAINMENT
and TOYOTA.
Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org