♪ Look up there ♪
- ♪ What do you see? ♪ - ♪ Nature and stuff ♪
- ♪ Like a rock ♪ - ♪ And a tree ♪
[all] ♪ Hup, the Great North ♪
- ♪ Way up here, you can breathe the air ♪ - [all] ♪ Hup, hey, oh ♪
- ♪ Catch some fish ♪ - ♪ Or gaze at a bear ♪
♪ Wow ♪
♪ Hup, the Great North ♪
- ♪ Here we live ♪ - [all] ♪ Hup, oh ♪
- ♪ Here we'll stay ♪ - ♪ Whoo ♪
♪ From longest night to longest day ♪
♪ In the Great North ♪
[cheering]
Ooh. New Oreo flavor. "Chocolate Cheese Rum Cooler."
Nab those, boo.
And, uh, speaking of rum coolers, my cousin Dane is being chill for once,
and said he'd get us one bottle of wine for our girls' weekend.
That is very chill.
Now, what else do we need to make this the best girls' weekend ever?
I know the answer isn't a bunch of Healthy-Boy Frozen Farmer meals for one.
So let's hang a right.
Did you have a chance to, um... [clears throat]
...uh, ask your mom if she can drive us, Amelia?
I did, but I didn't take it.
I don't want my mom driving us to our girls' trip.
That's not the vibe.
You promised us you would get your license before this weekend so we can caravan.
Right, right. I could just ride with one of you.
Judy, you know dumb Alaskan laws say teens can't ride with other teens.
Yeah. We're gonna all drive separate cars, but keep each other on speakerphone.
So it'll be like we're in the same giant car
with a bunch of pedals, 18 windows and three bad bitches.
This is tough love, Judy, but if you don't get that license,
you are disinvited with extreme prejudice from our girls' trip to Kenai.
Look, you guys know I believe I'm capable of anything.
I have so many mouse pads that say that.
But driving I'm so bad at.
Judy, you can get your license.
It took me two tries to pass the test.
Do it or screw it, Judy Small Booty.
Ooh. Do we need 48 chocolate chip muffins?
Hell yeah. I'll ride that ride.
So, yeah. We're supposed to caravan to our first girls' trip in just a few days.
But I am still an epically bad, bad driver without a license.
Oh, the girls' weekend in Kenai is that soon? Exciting.
But whatever you do, don't stay at Dreamy Jim's Motel.
I stayed there on my first tour,
and the peepholes on the doors are backwards.
We're not staying at a hotel. We're camping.
Yes, it is in Kima's aunt's backyard,
but she promised she won't look out the window at us.
And we're bringing secret wine,
and we'll probably listen to music with explicit lyrics
and possibly switch bodies.
What I'm saying is this is not a weekend where your parents drop you off.
Amelia and Kima are gonna ban me from coming if I can't drive by then,
but there's no way I'll be able to drive by then because I can't learn.
I'm a failure, a loser, a washout,
a chump, a baby, a diaper-head. I'm a fool.
Well, what about, um, hitchhiking?
Hitchhiking? That's so dangerous.
Well, bad choices make good stories. And in my case, good songs.
Like my song...
[singsongy] "Cobra Kisses at the Zoo."
Alanis, this isn't helping me be able to go on girls' weekend with the JAK Pak.
Wait, you call yourselves the JAK Pak?
Absolutely not. Hard pass. I forbid it.
What? J-A-K. Judy, Amelia, Kima.
JAK. JAK Pak.
- It sounds like a porno. - You sound like a porno.
Wow, you're really spicy right now.
Yes, because driving makes me feel so wound up.
I've taken driver's ed so many times. I've killed four people.
- Wait, what? - During the driving simulation.
But still, the software company said that wasn't even possible.
And the stuff I've done on the real road has been no picnic either.
Cut the wheel. Cut the wheel!
- What does "cut the wheel" mean? - Oh, God. Judy!
And I also did something very memorable downtown.
[Judy groans]
And again at Delmer's house.
Hey, Delmer.
[groans] My inability to drive is, like, the one thing I'm super insecure about.
- What about farting in public? - Ha!
I gave up that fight a long time ago.
I remember the moment it happened.
I'd had two spicy beef burritos at the Burrito Barn,
and several people who were there swore afterwards that the fart had a face.
Well, I believe you can get your license, Judy.
Mmm. Yeah. Okay. Thank you so much. But it's also not helpful because I can't.
I can't. I can't, can't, can't, can't. So get off my balls, Alanis! Sheesh.
Okay. I just wanna find a game that we haven't played in a long time, you know?
Huh. Never seen this one before.
Sounds like a box with 100 tiny games inside it.
- Score. A puzzle. - Oh, dang.
And it looks like a blast. So many of the pieces are the same color.
Ooh. And there's no picture on the box to even tell us what we should be going for.
I haven't been this excited since we played Connect 4 with all reds.
- Can you say challenge? - Uh, challenge.
Wow. You nailed that.
You'll never guess what we found.
My wayward tin of Lil Boy Pomade?
My wayward tin of Big Boy Pomade?
- No. - We found a puzzle we don't recognize.
- Oh, hell yeah. - Party time.
No, not another puzzle.
Yes, another puzzle.
You guys are obsessed. I mean, I don't even hate puzzles.
I just like them so much less than you guys, it's like I hate them.
Did we ever tell you that we once completed a 7000-piece spectacular
called "Blinding Snowscape" while wearing blindfolds?
The newspaper did an article.
Yep. You showed it to me many, many times.
Yeah. Everyone was very worried about us,
but we never start a puzzle without finishing it.
Fine. But if you guys insist on doing it,
is it okay if I drink a lot just to feel something?
Oh, yes. It's recommended. Pour me one too.
Stupid Alanis. She thinks she's so great because she's a multiplatinum artist
and one of our world's greatest living legends.
"Learn to drive, Judy." Blee, blah, bloo, blah, blah, blah.
- [knocking] - Is someone there?
Hello?
[both scream]
That's fun. I like yelling.
What are you doing down here? I-I didn't even know you could do this.
I'm your imaginary friend. I don't make the rules.
- Uh. Okay. Can you get even tinier? - You tell me.
Well, personally, I think this, uh, alternate presentation of moi
means deep down you want me to nag you about learning to drive
and getting your license, because you really wanna go on that trip.
I do wanna go.
Listen, when I wanna do something, I claim it out loud for many to hear,
usually in a song. Like this,
[singsongy] I prefer the aisle seat. Thank you.
- Now you go. - No.
Claim it.
I will learn to drive. I will finally get my license.
- Louder. - I will finally get my license.
Go tell your family. You need witnesses.
Fine. But first witness this.
Hey, don't moon me.
Blue, blue, beige. Hmm.
I'm trying to think. What's mostly beige, blue and yellow?
The IKEA shirt, along with the IKEA pants.
Hmm. I bet it's a Minion eating a piece of bread.
Why would they make a puzzle of that?
- Why would they make a puzzle of anything? - Fair play.
[clears throat, shouting] Okay. Hello, everyone. I have an announcement!
Is it that you've lost control over the volume of your voice?
No! It is that I am going to learn to drive for real this time!
I am going to finally get my license and drive to Kenai with my gal pals!
But in separate cars because that's the law!
If I yell like this, I cannot back out!
Well, Judy, I know my last teaching attempt was unsuccessful,
and it's now very hard for us to get insured,
but will you permit me to instruct you once more?
- Yes! - Wonderful. We begin at dawn.
Okay! Sorry, I can't stop yelling now!
[Beef] All right. Let's hit the road.
Oh. Well, but, you know, what about our Tobin ten-point checklist?
Oh, right.
Mirrors one through three, check. Gas, check. Radio at low volume, check.
Seat belt on. Seat adjusted. Parking brake engaged.
Salty snacks, sweet snacks, coffee and water secured,
so we won't be tempted at the gas station where the prices are frankly outrageous.
And I think we're ready to go. Why don't you start her up?
Uh, actually, Dad, I've been thinking about your checklist,
and, uh, well, I don't wanna hurt your feelings.
I just-- I don't feel that it is thorough enough.
Oh. Wow. Well, my feelings are very hurt, but I'm open to feedback.
Well, for instance, we haven't checked the tire pressure
or the oil level or the thickness of the bumper.
Maybe we gotta get right out of the car and do that?
Looking good under there. Shall we hop in?
Actually, Dad, there are some incredible vintage driver's ed videos on YouTube
I thought we oughta watch
in case we encounter a vintage vehicle on the road.
Oh. Yes. Or a vintage driver.
Yes, for the female driver,
whether you're driving to the grocery store to buy a roast
or dropping little Timmy at his Communion classes,
the manual hand signals can be a gal's best friend.
Oh, no. What is this? I thought you were teaching Judy to drive.
I am. She had some amendments to my safety checklist that I'm--
She's stalling so she doesn't have to get behind the wheel, Beef.
[chuckling] No, I am not. She's a liar. She's lying!
You know what, Judy? I'm taking over. Honeybee driving school starts in an hour.
Okay. Yeah. Fine. That's cool.
Yeah, that sounds great. Yeah, sounds perf--
- [Judy panting] - We got a runner. Tackle her.
- Go get her, Beef. - Yep. Here I go.
Okay, Judy. Driving is supposed to be fun.
It allows you to be independent and to go places you wanna go,
places with french fries.
That's why I've set up a drive-through with your favorite fast food for practice.
Now, let's roll. Take it slow and steady.
Like how I talk to Wolf when he sees a spider.
- Hey. There you go. You did it. - I did do it.
Welcome to Sloppy Josephine's East.
How may I slop you today?
Um, I'll have a Sloppy with cheese and a Nasty Fries.
All right. Pull up to the next window for your order.
Okay. Slow and steady.
- [engine revs] - Judy, what the hell? Slow down.
Slow down! Judy, don't freak out.
[all screaming]
[both grunt]
- My bad. - Yeah, that was, uh-- What happened?
That was me driving.
Maybe I'll just come inside and help you guys with that puzzle.
Yep. Yep. Low likelihood of killing anyone doing that.
This beige part kind of looks like a statue, I think.
Huh. I thought I detected notes of neoclassicism.
Huh. Is this maybe a woman?
Takes one to know one.
That sounded mean, but I just meant it literally.
Oh. It is a woman. And I, uh, think it's a nude woman.
Oh. Uh, yep. Uh, it sure is.
Okay. This just went up a little notch in the fun department.
Should we stop?
Moon has never even seen an R-rated movie.
I've seen literally hundreds of R-rated movies, Wolf.
We watched Dismemberer 2: Members Only together last night.
And besides, we can't stop.
Need I remind you all that we've never not finished a puzzle?
Look, at some point in your lives, you will all encounter a naked woman.
Not necessarily in person but inevitably on the Internet, and it's not a big deal.
The most important thing is nobody shame her.
YDYG. You do you, girl.
[groaning]
[sighs]
- Alanis? - Oh. Hey, Jude.
Sorry if I'm interrupting.
Well, I was organizing my key chains.
I have so many Garfields, I'm classifying them by expression.
So far I have "Loving Lasagna" and "Mad About Monday."
But I've always got time for you. What's the haps, chicken flaps?
Well, uh, Honeybee made me a fake fast-food drive-through
to try to teach me how to drive, but I almost killed two of my brothers.
Well, you've got one more, so no big whoop.
Alanis, it was a disaster.
Yeah, well, maybe it's just hard for you to learn from your family.
It's too much pressure.
My mom tried to teach me to knit, and I got so stressed out
that I just ended up eating all the yarn.
Yikes.
Aren't there some folks outside your family who can help teach you?
Huh. You know, that's actually not a bad idea. All right.
Tomorrow, I'm gonna head into town and shop myself around.
Maybe don't say it like that. But-But yeah.
Okay, you get behind the wheel.
I'm gonna go steal my fax machine back.
Get ready to floor it.
- [screaming] No, no! - Don't worry.
You'll get used to Toby doing this.
Now, depress the brake and start the car.
Yep, okay, you waved him on. Okay, now--
Oh, you waved her on. You could just-- [growls]
It's your turn, Judy!
I mean, sorry. Um, maybe go?
Okay, here we go. Here we go.
- Where you going? Ju-- Judy! - [Judy sobbing]
Toby!
[shouts] Judy!
All right. Now that the puzzle has gotten a bit more graphic,
this handy partition will create a nude zone and a clean zone.
Up here in the G-rated section, looks like we got a face.
And then a whole bunch of sky with some weirdly colored clouds
or fireworks or something?
[yawns] It's getting late. Maybe we cool it and resume in the a.m.?
Counterpoint, we stay up all night and ride the lightning.
Finish this Segmented Sally by dawn?
I knew you were gonna say that.
I'm gonna get another "Puzzle-politan."
So, having people outside your family teach you was a bust too, huh?
Man, Judy, what the hell is this about?
I truly do not know.
I'm so frustrated with myself I could scream.
[screams]
There. I did it. [groans]
Driving is just scary.
And there's no one left in this butthole town to help me.
I've tried everybody.
Well, not everybody. [clears throat]
I said ahem because I meant me.
- You? - Uh, yeah.
Who do you think has been driving my tour bus for the last 30 years?
Alanis, no offense, but you're imaginary. [chuckles] That would be illegal.
Oh, come on, Judy. No one cares about the law anymore.
Listen, it's night time.
We'll take back roads.
[sighs] Okay, fine.
Some of these you really have to force.
Babe, that doesn't fit.
- Hi. - [screams, sighs]
Rock star jump scare.
- Oh, convertible. Can we put the top down? - Oh, uh, sure.
I love when the wind blows my beanie off and I can treat myself to a new one.
Here we go.
Huh. Wow. Weird.
I feel way more calm having you next to me, Alanis.
Glad I can help.
Just think of the things you'll be able to do once you get your license.
Drive to an art show in a far-off city.
Follow a jam band around the country selling falafel out of your trunk.
Think about how many letters I could mail at the drive-through post office.
Oh, hell yeah. Bad to the bone, Jude.
Moon, you've really made some headway with the head.
Why, thank you. Ah, here it is.
And now you'll all be saying, "Aye, aye" as I have completed the eye--
No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
Moon, my God. What is it?
Oh, my God!
No, no, no!
Oh, my-- Oh, good Lord.
What in the world? What is happening?
Honeybee, that nude is our mother!
Oh, this is too good.
Now, I'm glad I stayed.
I always said I wanted to know Mom better but not like this.
I'm gonna go get my things and move away for a while.
Just a few years.
That pose is too sensual for a son's eyes.
- Okay, you guys have got to stop yelling. - No! No, we don't!
We yell forever now!
Okay, it's covered.
You can come back.
How in hell or high water did our mom put out a line of puzzles?
Uh, I don't think this is the type of puzzle you buy in a store, babe.
She must have turned a photo into a puzzle to give as a gift.
I bet Kathleen was gonna give it to her lover, Marcus.
But then maybe she decided to give him something else.
Like sex.
Oh, sorry. Sorry, sorry, Dad.
Guys, let's just put this away and never talk about it again.
You mean not finish a puzzle?
Look guys, we stand here at a fork in the road.
On one path, we just put these pieces back in the box.
On the other, well, we muscle through this
and finish a pornographic puzzle of this family's matriarch.
Dad, I mean, yeah, we all did not enjoy how much Mom we just saw.
But my bigger concern is that's a picture of Mom,
and we-- we don't want you to be upset.
- You know? - I know, Son.
In the past, I have not handled missing your mom very well.
Eating some of her hair out of a brush she left behind was a true low point.
I'm seconds away from calling 911.
But I'm ostensibly over your mother.
And completing this task is more important
than the devastating wreckage left by the love of my life
when she abandoned me and her four children.
All right then, Father.
- On we shall puzzle. - Don't worry.
After we're done, we can draw a thick sweater over her entire body.
You know, now that I've calmed down,
it's kind of cool to see the door from which I entered Earth.
My door is that scar on her stomach.
Kids, you keep working on your mom's head, and I'll work on finishing her body.
I know it pretty well.
Dad, may I be the first to say, "No, thank you."
Yep. Yep. Got it.
You know, m'Jude,
I read an imaginary article that said the best time to talk to teens is in the car,
'cause they're freaks who don't wanna look you in the eye.
I look plenty of people in the eye, Alanis.
Even when they have a lazy eye I still look at it.
I look right at it, and then I whisper, "I accept you."
Good to know.
But should we maybe troubleshoot why you've been so bad at driving?
I mean, what exactly scares you about it, Judy?
Well, it isn't really that I'm scared. I actually feel, like, overly excited.
And then the excitement gets me all worked up.
And then I do stupid stuff.
- Huh. How do you mean? - It's like...
♪ It's like ♪
Oh, okay. We're singing.
♪ It's like if I could drive I could drive to the mall ♪
♪ The dock or the zoo Or a smoke-filled gambling hall ♪
Ooh. That last one interests me. Love to roll the bones.
♪ What if I keep going? I know it's part of growing ♪
♪ But maybe I'm like my mom deep down ♪
♪ She left and just never Ever turned around ♪
The thing is, I get this feeling when I'm behind the wheel
that I could keep going, and, well, sometimes I want to.
[Alanis] ♪ But what if you never leave? ♪
♪ I know you think your mom's a curse ♪
♪ But what if you let her bog you down And you stay in town? ♪
♪ That would be so much worse ♪
♪ Judy, I do believe You have so much up your sleeve ♪
♪ You need to see Tokyo ♪
♪ And the Land of Cleve ♪
Hello, Cleveland.
♪ Yeah, what if I never left? ♪
♪ I would be beyond bereft ♪
♪ I can see how much worse that would be ♪
♪ I'd become a bitter crone Living all alone ♪
♪ Yelling at kids stealing apples From my tree ♪
♪ You'll go to Kenai with the JAK Pak ♪
Still hate that name, by the way.
And then, yeah, someday you will leave for college and your own life.
♪ But now and then you will come back ♪
And look, you have a trained pet snake. That's rad.
♪ Someday I might take off for real ♪
♪ But I'm not abandoning my family That's not my deal ♪
♪ Still I gotta see how The real world feels ♪
♪ Even if my dad-- ♪
Judy.
♪ My dad ♪
- Judy, eyes on the road. - My dad!
[both scream]
Oh. And there it is. The last piece.
My nude mother's upper neck.
Would you all give me a moment to be able to view it without the partition?
Oh. Oh, my goodness.
Dad, what is it? Don't tell me we're missing a piece again.
Remember when Moon was three
and he ate the last piece of the Gorbachev's birthmark puzzle?
No, all the pieces are here, Son.
It's just that I think this might have been a present for me.
I actually took this photo.
I didn't know you were a freak, Beef. Respect.
It was many years ago.
Late at night, we were near the aquarium in Death Cliff.
Your mom always had a thing for jellyfish,
and she insisted we break in and get a picture in front of the jellyfish tank.
I didn't know she planned to disrobe, but you know your mom
when she puts her mind to something.
Like leaving us.
She was so determined to do it, and then she did.
I remember telling your mom
I wanted her to turn that photo into a jigsaw puzzle for me.
She must have done it and then forgot about it because of,
you know, being drunk all the time and having affairs.
Well, that's understandable.
The night ended when she climbed into the jellyfish tank
and got stung a whole bunch.
But I guess she actually did do something thoughtful one time, and that's nice.
- She was a puzzle in every way. - [phone buzzes]
Oh. Uh, hey, Jude. Are you calling from upstairs?
Did you dream a sonnet again? Should I bring up your parchments?
Wait, what? What? Are you okay?
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Send me your location. I'll be right there.
Guys, Judy's okay, but she drove by herself, and she crashed.
- [all gasp] - I'm gonna go get her.
I'm so glad Judy's okay.
Me too.
So, should we do another puzzle?
- Oh, absolutely. - I'll get more alcohol.
And I'll go get the 500-piece golden retriever puppies in a field.
- Judy, you're sure you're all right? - Yes, truly, I'm fine.
I spilled my kombucha on my lap, and I crashed Honeybee's car again.
But she's pretty used to that, so...
Jude, I gotta say, I'm surprised you're out here all alone.
You wouldn't let anyone help you learn to drive because you said you hate it,
and now I find you out driving by yourself?
I'm glad you're okay, but I don't understand what's going on.
Well, I was finally driving on my own tonight, for the most part.
And I did a lot of productive thinking,
and I figured out that I actually find driving pretty exciting.
Maybe too exciting, because it's the first step to leaving.
You know, like seeing the world.
Oh.
And part of me, I think, subconsciously worries
I have some dormant part of Mom in me.
Like maybe I'm also some kind of douchebag who's gonna leave and never come back.
- You wouldn't. - No, of course not.
But will you be mad at me if I do decide to leave
and go to college in Chicago or something?
Oh, it's Chicago now?
Well, at least that's closer than Prague.
[sighs] Judy, let me make two things perfectly clear.
One, I never ever want you to leave Lone Moose.
Two, I'll be furious if you don't.
[sighs] Okay, Dad.
Now, let's tow Honeybee's car home.
She's pretty tipsy at the moment, so it's a good time for her to see it.
Should I smile or, I don't know, like, make a serious face?
Just like, "This is a car," or like, look mysterious or--
Here's your puzzle. Shellacked and ready to hang.
Thank you.
And I had no idea you were into aquarium erotica.
Oh. I'm not. [chuckles] I me-- I mean, well, I am.
I-- What-- What I'm trying to say is it was a gift.
Well, I included another gift.
It's an 8-by-10 of yours truly in a see-through leotard
near a standee of Sammy the Sassy Seaward Sea Otter.
Ah. Well, thanks very much to both you and your friend Samuel.
This spot for the nude that got away, and this spot for the maybe someday.
Okay, the JAK Pak is not even out of Lone Moose yet,
and I am already having the time of my life.
Hey, do you guys think we should change the name of our friend group?
- What? - No, the JAK Pak is the perfect name.
It sounds like a porno.
[all] JAK Pak!
♪ We are the JAK Pak JAK Pak ♪
♪ Let us take a step back ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Lone Moose's most enticing Best of girlfriends ♪
♪ With scintillating hobbies Like collecting pens ♪
♪ Pens ♪
♪ What we did on the field trip Got everyone talking 'bout us ♪
- ♪ It was crazy how we barfed on a bus ♪ - ♪ How we barfed on a bus ♪
♪ When it's late Yeah, that's right, baby ♪
♪ Watching the British Pride and Prejudice Series adapted by Andrew Davies ♪
♪ We are the JAK Pak JAK Pak ♪
♪ Let us take a step back ♪
♪ Ooh ♪