[all] ♪ The Great North! ♪
♪ Here we live ♪
-♪ Here we'll stay ♪ -♪ Oh, whoo! ♪
♪ From longest night to longest day ♪
♪ In The Great North! ♪
[cheering]
[♪ suspenseful music playing]
[wind blows]
Denny, who's this chump?
Oh, what do you mean, Tanya?
He's my best friend, Beef.
Don't you remember?
We met him in season one.
-Season one? -Well, that's what I call winter.
The first season of the year.
We all got lost in that blizzard.
Seems like he's lost again now, eh?
And almost dead.
-Should we move him? -Yes.
But not physically, because, well, we're snowflakes.
We-- We can't. I'm going to move him emotionally
because I'm his guardian snow angel.
And I'm here to teach him a lesson
about his place in the world.
[Tanya] How did he get under this moose's bum, anyway?
Well, I'd love to tell you.
It's a nice long story.
Wait, no, no, no. Never mind.
You see, it all started this morning
in the nearby town of Lone Moose...
[Wolf] I'm just saying,
if ALF had gone on for another season,
I really think we'd have gotten
a lot of those questions answered.
But all your questions were about how ALF has sex.
Exactly! And I want them answered.
-[phones buzzing] -Oh, town-wide alert.
Mayor Peppers' getting loose with these.
Yesterday he sent one that just said "Anyone up?"
Oh, my God!
Is this text for real?
It's happening.
L.E.R.K. Lotto!
Lurk? What does that mean?
-Oh. -[Ham] Hell yeah!
[all screaming and grunting]
Hyah!
[Beef] Let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go!
-Hyah! -Oh my God, what is happening?
-[Wolf] Whee! -Oh! What?
[Wolf panting]
Okay. What the hell is going on?
That text from the mayor was a L.E.R.K. alert.
It's Lone Moose's year in the L.E.R.K. lottery.
Every year, once the bad weather hits,
you can count on a couple moose
dying in hit and runs.
-Aw, sad. -[chuckles]
Sad and delicious.
Those savory fellas
provide hundreds and hundreds
of pounds of free meat.
So Ted's Folly,
Whippleton, Death Cliff,
and Lone Moose...
Take turns as the claimants of each year's L.E.R.K.s.
If you say L.E.R.K. one more time without explaining it,
I'm gonna hit my ejector seat button
and you'll never see me again.
Oh, no, please don't use your ejector seat.
It's L-E-R-K,
Large Edible Road Kill.
And this is Lone Moose's year, baby.
Which means it's Beef Tobin's year, baby!
I've never heard your dad say "baby" like that before.
I'm extremely uncomfortable.
Calm down, baby.
Free moose meat makes everyone a bit wild.
And we can't be late for the M.M.P.U.L.P.
Where is that ejector seat button?
The M.M.P.U.L.P. is the Moose Meat
Picker Upper Lottery Pull.
Mayor Peppers selects a name from a jar,
and that family collects the moose.
And keeps a quarter
of the deceased bounty.
[laughs heartily]
And the rest of the meats are spread evenly around town.
Aww, now I miss Mom.
We won the M.M.P.U.L.P.
and gotten to collect the L.E.R.K. a few times.
This is the one area
where dad has, dare I say it,
confidence!
I'm not what anyone would call a town hero.
I'm not even good at eye contact.
But when it comes to making the town happy
by delivering a big old bounty of raw meat,
I am, dare I say it,
the man.
Dad's a legendary lurker.
A few years ago,
someone hit a moose so hard
it got stuck in a tree
and dad got him down.
And one time, an elk got knocked
off the road into the icy river,
and dad retrieved it with a lasso,
as if he was some kind of chilly cowboy
named Shivers McGunns.
Yee-thaw, Hamuel.
Dad lost a toe that day
but held on to the respect of the town.
I'll admit I do enjoy
occasionally being the most popular guy
in Lone Moose.
The prom king of the meats.
-[gasps] -[crow caws]
[Aunt Dirt] Beef! Judy!
Boy ones!
Dear lord.
I guess the end times are upon us.
Everyone I've ever known and loved
is probably dead.
Well, that's enough grieving, Dirtrude, time to gear up.
[♪ intense music playing]
[grunts]
Well, hello, auxiliary weapons and supply bunker.
I knew we'd meet again someday.
-[chattering] -[Mayor Peppers] All right.
Five minutes till the M.M.P.U.L.P.
Oh, heya, Beef.
I just wanted to thank you
for that little thing you did for us last week.
-What little thing? -Remember?
When you shoveled our driveway when we were out of town?
[card playing] ♪ Thank you, India ♪
♪ Thank you, providence ♪
♪ Thank you-- ♪
[Londra] Beef Tobin for shoveling our driveway.
Wow, what a perfect
and very loud card.
I can't wait to listen to the rest of it later.
-[chattering] -Everyone, settle!
[man burps]
Dorothy, why are you and Jim painted green?
We were getting ready to watch the Packers game
when the alert came in.
We just finished body painting each other.
Are you guys already drunk?
I plead the fifth.
-Fifth of vodka. -[both laughing]
Okay, I'm taking your names
-out of the jar. -[Jim] Nerd!
I know we've all had a lean year,
with the pretzel factory closing
and that cult settling nearby
-and stealing all of our produce-- -[cell phone ringing]
-[cell phone beeps] -Go for Lightning.
No, it's Pepper.
Sorry. I was just trying something.
Yeah, like Lightning McQueen.
Never mind. What's up?
Oh, no.
Thanks for letting me know.
-[cell phone beeps] -Uh...
There's some good news and some bad news.
The good news is the spotters
say the moose is the biggest they've ever seen.
[crowd exclaiming]
They're estimating
two thousand pounds.
The bad news is, the moose is hell
and gone up Absalom's Pass,
it's way off the road,
and a storm is due to hit in about 90 minutes.
So it... it looks like we'll have to let this one go.
-[crowd murmuring sadly] -This is the worst day of my life.
Unless...
a certain local hero wanted to...
put on his cape.
[Beef grunts]
-[grunting] -[crowd cheering]
[Beef] You're welcome!
Mayor Peppers,
Lightning.
In the words of Katnip Everdeen
from the Hungry Games:
"I volunteer to get that dead moose meat
"for my beloved town."
[crowd gasps, murmurs]
Well, then,
ka-chow.
Oh, so the lottery moose
is now on top of him.
Maybe. You gotta hear the rest of the story.
Don't try to fool me.
This is why I cheated on you during our marriage.
Wait. You cheated on me?
Physically or emotionally?
Whichever is the sex one.
Oh! Well, that stings.
All right, fine. You were right.
This is the moose that the Tobins set out to get.
And so we return to our tale.
-[Wolf] Nope. No way. -[Beef] What?
[Wolf] Dad, you know, I'm your biggest fan.
Officially. I registered the Beef Tobin fan club
as an LLC with me as president.
-But you really should not do this. -Nonsense.
I'm just gonna go attach the ropes.
Then we'll haul this bad boy roadside
and get him onto the trailer.
After that, we return to our village
as conquering heroes.
Dad, no.
You have got to let this one go.
It's sweet of you all to worry,
but it's me.
This is what I do.
So, everyone hop back in the van, and I will,
and I think I'm saying this correctly,
B-R-B.
Beef Right Back.
-[grunts] -[gun cocking]
[screaming] No, no!
Please don't kill me.
I just finished Invisalign!
-Jerry? -Aunt Dirt?
-You bitten? -Ugh, by what?
Zombie, alien, mushroom person?
Has anything bitten you today?
No! No!
I was supposed to meet my sister
at Maude's for a coffee,
but it was closed,
and there was literally no one in town.
So I came here,
and there's also no one here.
-It's like the, uh... -Apocalypse.
Yep. Not sure what we're fighting yet,
but we gotta gear you up.
Okay, um...
I've never used a weapon in real life.
Not even a sawed-off shotgun?
No, but let me finish.
I have used every single weapon
in every single dystopian video game there is.
-I was born for this. -Good.
Now the question is,
are you ready to form an unexpected friendship
with a person who is nothing like you
but will teach you more
about what it means to be a human
than you could have ever imagined?
Absolutely not.
I'm way too grizzled and cynical.
Perfect. I'll slowly win you over
with my joviality and optimism.
Strap me up.
Okay, then. We got to pick up something
I stashed a while back
for just such an occasion.
-[growling] -Get down!
[groaning]
Oh, my God.
They've turned.
Into what?
Let's not stick around to find out.
I can't believe we got lost
on the way back from Town Hall.
Yeah, maybe we should stop drinking these roadies.
Yeah, you're probably right.
Give me yours. I'll get rid of it.
Hey!
-[♪ suspenseful music playing] -[engine starts]
[grunts]
Dad! Be careful.
[grunting] Yeah. Yeah.
And... here I am.
Solid as a rock...
[grunts]
No, no. The town, I promised.
-[all exclaiming] -[shouting]
Ahh!
Ah! Ahh!
-[thuds] -[groans]
[grunting]
Oh, my God.
I'm okay.
[screams] Oof!
So that's how the moose got on top of the man.
And now we're all caught up.
All right. Should we put him out of his misery?
I guess I could stomp on his neck a little bit.
Tanya, no!
Fine! I have plans, anyway.
I'm meeting up with my sorority sisters.
We're gonna go pick up some hotties.
-Oh. -Well, here's my ride.
I never stopped loving you!
[sighs in exasperation]
Golly gosh, that woman still gets my dendrites in a dither.
Okay, you can do this, Denny.
And if you do, you get your snow halo.
Beef! Beef!
Wake up, beef!
[♪ ethereal music playing]
Denny? Is that you?
Ha! You remember me!
Yes, I got lost in that blizzard with you.
In season one, which is what I call winter.
Why am I here?
Wasn't I smushed under a moose
and on the brink of death?
Uh-huh. But right now,
you're in a bit of a nowhere space.
That's what we in the Guardian Snow Angel business call
"the betweenies."
A place where I can help you learn a big lesson
that will save your life.
Wait, you're a guardian angel?
I'm many things, Beef.
I also drive Uber three days a week.
And I'm an uncle to four wonderful dogs.
-Congratulations. -Thank you.
I can also hear people's thoughts, Beef.
So I know, right before you passed out,
you were thinking that since you didn't get that large edible road kill,
you might as well not go back to Lone Moose at all.
Oh, uh, yeah.
I guess I did think everyone would be pretty mad
if I showed up back in town just... me.
Hmm. You think no one wants to see
Beef Tobin walk through the door without 2,000 pounds of meat?
-Pretty much. -Huh.
What if I was to tell you,
you're already important in the town in many ways?
Even without the meat.
Well, I guess, I wouldn't believe you.
Well, then, let's go see the life of Beef
-in Lone Moose, shall we? -[snaps fingers]
[♪ ethereal music playing]
-Town Hall. Huh. -See that?
The water fountain?
Uh-huh. Remember this morning?
You noticed the pressy thingy wasn't working great.
So the water wasn't getting up very high.
I had to practically put my mouth on the spout.
But then you tightened the pressy thingy.
And now, look!
[slurps]
Oh, yum. What a wonderful sip.
-[Toby caws] -Yes, Toby.
I know we're running late.
Roy got a nice little drinky there, didn't he?
That's all you.
Oh, uh... sure.
But that's not really that impressive.
Well, I thought it was nice,
-but let's go see more. -[snaps fingers]
All right, we've arrived
at the famous aisle seven
of the Val-U-Buy.
Here's where you made a historical suggestion
about how they should put the hamburger
and hot dog buns on the same aisle
as the regular bread instead of by the meats
on that weird rack.
Changed so many lives.
That's... not important.
What? Beef, really?
Look at these people.
Finding buns. Easily.
-Meh. -All right.
Still not impressed with yourself, eh? Let's keep going.
I gotta get that snow halo. [snaps fingers]
How much further to wherever this thing is?
Because I really have to go to the bathroom.
The world's our bathroom now.
Just go in the trees, hoss.
Ooh, you gave me a nickname.
I'm growing on you.
No way.
If an alien bites you,
I'll blow you out like a birthday candle.
Uh-uh, you'll struggle with it.
Your trigger finger is gonna be trembling.
-Will not. -We'll see.
[gun cocks]
[woman] What the hell are you doing on my land?
-Don't shoot. Let me shoot first. -[gun cocks]
[woman] What the...
Dirt?
-Gloria? -I had no idea it was you.
These goggles are smudged as hell.
What are you doing out here?
Zombie apocalypse of some sort in town.
What are you doing out here?
Oh, I live here. That's my cave.
Got enough food and ammo in there to last me 200 years.
God, you get more perfect
with each morsel I find out about you.
We were headed out to get an asset
I stashed in the woods 60 years ago.
You care for a walk?
Sure, I'll promenade.
Oh, this is perfect.
The main duo in the video game
always picks up a sidekick along the way,
and one of them gets to have a romantic relationship with them.
Dibs.
-[siren wailing] -Uh-oh.
FEMA's already here. Let's get a move on.
I don't want to live in one of their colonies.
[Moon] The moose slipped off the road and he didn't let it go.
He wanted to bring him back to the town so badly.
We searched pretty far down and couldn't find him.
That was hours ago.
If he was alive, he'd have hiked back up by now.
Don't give up hope.
The whole town's headed here to search.
We'll find your dad.
[grunts] You're right, Mayor P.
He's out there. We gotta believe.
All right, everybody.
Grab a flashlight and a search partner.
Let's bring our boy/dad, home.
Okay, here comes a truly epic Beef Tobin moment.
[imitates fanfare]
Whoops. I think you dropped this, Zoya.
I thanking you.
No problem.
Wow.
I mean, just wow.
Pretty impactful, huh?
No. No!
Denny, what are you talking about?
These moments you're showing me are so small,
they don't matter at all.
Can't you just tell me what it is I'm supposed to be learning?
No. It's against the rules.
They'll melt me.
Who will melt you?
I can't tell you. They'd melt us both!
You know what? These aren't doing it for you.
Fine. You win.
Put on your big boy dungarees
'cause I'm about to show you
the five most important moments
of your entire life in this town.
Great. Now we're talking.
You know, Beef, you're being a bit rude today.
I feel like we might not even be best friends.
Don't say that.
Okay, I won't. I won't say that.
-Right, let's get going. Off we pop. -[snaps fingers]
[all] Beef!
-[Wolf] Dad! Dad! -Beef Tenderloin Tobin!
[Moon and Ham grunting]
-Hey, Ham. -Hey, Crispin.
Can I search with you guys?
Yeah, thanks.
It's gonna be okay, Ham.
Judy, what are you doing?
My dad's lost out here somewhere.
-Oh, can you see him? -No.
But Lisa Loeb and Ani DiFranco
are on their way over for wine night.
-We'll keep an eye out. -Oh.
Okay, thanks.
I mean, I have a couple of glasses in already,
so no guarantees.
Beef?
Where are you?
Beef!
I can't do this life without you!
Beef!
[♪ ethereal music playing]
[groaning]
All right. Let the show begin.
Show me these important moments.
[shushes] You're missing it.
There's one now.
[♪ soft music playing]
Nothing's happening.
-Exactly. Beautiful, eh? -[snaps fingers]
[bell dings]
-[Londra] Heya, Beef. -Londra.
-Dad! -Hey, dad!
-Dad. -Hey. How's your...
-[snaps fingers] -Okay, Now watch this part, Dad.
-[whooping on TV] -[all laughing]
[snaps fingers]
-[chuckles] -Hmm.
[snaps fingers]
[Moon fussing]
And there they are.
The most important things you've done, Beef.
Denny... I...
I don't understand.
Those weren't accomplishments.
That was just me being me.
There you go.
I knew you'd figure it out.
Oh, I see.
The lesson is that I've always thought
I had to be a big Alaskan superman
to matter to Lone Moose,
but, I matter just because I'm me?
[chuckles] Pretty corny, bud.
So what?
Beef, you put so much pressure on yourself
to do these extreme things.
And today it almost killed me.
Exactly.
And it's the little things, even the nothings,
that actually matter.
That's why all those people
are out there on the mountainside,
-in a snowstorm, looking for you. -What?
You'll see in just a minute.
-[dings] -[gasps] A halo.
Bye, best friend.
[♪ dramatic music playing]
Wake up now, okay?
Huh? Oh, God.
Oh, no.
Moose on me.
[grunting]
[weakly] Help.
Help!
Damn it!
Well, at least I can die
knowing I did the little things.
Oh, my God!
The little thing I did!
[grunting]
[♪ card playing] ♪ Thank you frailty... ♪
Wait. Do you hear that?
[gasps] I know that voice.
♪ Thank you, thank you-- ♪
-[all grunting] -Beef Tobin for shoveling
-our driveway. -Dad! You're alive!
And suffocating!
Everybody, come on!
We gotta pull this motherscratching moose
off my motherscratching dad!
[crowd grunting]
[all grunting]
I'm stuck, huh?
That's okay, Dad.
We'll figure it out.
Yeah, we can, uh, just have our family dinners here.
I'm sorry I got myself into this.
If I live,
I promise I won't try
to be a superman anymore.
I'll just be a regular man.
Don't worry, Beef.
I'm calling for help.
We're gonna need something pretty powerful
to haul this monstrosity off of you.
[thudding]
[Wolf] What in the ever-loving
Evelyn's Favorite Pasta is that?
[Jerry on comms] Attention zombies!
Everyone lay down on the ground.
and we will begin smushing immediately.
-Jerry? -[hatch clanging]
Honeybee?
Well, well, well.
Looks like there's more survivors.
Aunt Dirt, thank God you're here.
Or should I say, "Tank God you're here."
We need you to save Dad.
What's in it for me?
[all cheering]
And the tank can bring all of that moose meat back into town!
[Aunt Dirt] Uh-oh. Look out!
-She's backing up. -No, no, no.
-[squelching] -[crowd groaning]
Yikes.
Sorry. I got a discount on this baby
because it randomly shifts into reverse.
It also randomly fires. But--
-[tank fires] -[all screaming]
[loud crash]
That's my girl.
[on TV] Hello!
[all laughing]
-[knock at door] -[Wolf] Hmm?
-Oh, hey, Mayor. -Hey, Beef.
Since you missed out on that moose meat,
I brought you four roadkill squirrels from my deep freeze.
And some other folks decided to stop by
with other dead animal offerings.
I didn't have roadkill,
so I wrapped up some Slim Jims.
[Wolf] Wow, Dad, you know what they say.
"No man is a failure if he has friends...
"who bring him a bunch of roadkill."
I think I've officially been in Alaska too long
'cause none of this seems weird to me.
Dibs on the deer.
And the elk. And the bear.
Let's invite everyone in
and I'll make my famous seven meats cake.
Great idea. I'll provide the entertainment.
And would you look at that?
My pan flute happens to be right in my pocket. [chuckles]
[♪ flute playing melody]
Oh, I can't believe I almost forgot to stare
in wild wonder at Alaska's majesty while whispering "hot dog."
Hot Dog.
[singing] ♪ Thank you, India ♪
♪ Thank you, terror ♪
♪ Thank you, disillusionment ♪
♪ Thank you, frailty ♪
♪ Thank you, consequence ♪
♪ Thank you ♪
♪ Thank you, silence ♪
♪ The moment I let go of it ♪
♪ Was the moment ♪
♪ I got more than I could handle ♪
♪ The moment I jumped off of it ♪
♪ Was the moment I touched down ♪
♪ Thank you, India ♪
♪ Thank you, providence ♪
♪ Thank you, disillusionment ♪
♪ Thank you, nothingness ♪
♪ Thank you, clarity ♪
♪ Thank you, Beef Tobin for shoveling our driveway ♪