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-♪ Look up there ♪
-♪ What do you see? ♪
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♪ Nature and stuff ♪
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-♪ Like a rock ♪
-♪ And a tree ♪
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♪ Oh, the Great North ♪
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♪ Way up here,
you can breathe the air ♪
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♪ Catch some fish ♪
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♪ Or gaze at a bear ♪
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♪ Wow ♪
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♪ Oh, the Great North ♪
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♪ Here we live, oh, oh ♪
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♪ Here we'll stay, oh, whoo ♪
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♪ From longest night
to longest day ♪
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♪ In the Great North. ♪
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Good morning,
Alanis Morissette.
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It is I, Judy Tobin,
queen of courtship and boys.
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(yawning): Are you okay?
It's 4:30 a.m.
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Yup. Today, I ask
Crispin Cienfuegos,
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the hottest mall hottie
in the mall, to be my date
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to the Thomas Wintersbone
Memorial Ladies' Choice Dance.
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In the past, I've always invited
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my best platonic guy-friend
Gill Beavers.
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But... (chuckles) I'm a
sophisticated adult woman now.
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And you deserve a sophisticated
adult dance experience.
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Exactly! Just like Thomas
Wintersbone would have wanted.
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Are you familiar
with our school's
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most famous teacher
Thomas Wintersbone?
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Oh, yes, I'm very familiar.
You've told me many times...
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You can't talk
about 1800s Lone Moose
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without talking
about Thomas Wintersbone.
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ALANIS:
Oh, here we go.
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JUDY:
He... was... everywhere.
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Thomas was a gregarious man
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with a passion
for the arts and letters.
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A passion that eventually led
him to become a schoolteacher.
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And it was there that he met
the love of his life, Ruby,
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the school's
hardworking groundskeeper.
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But when Thomas asked
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for Ruby's hand in marriage,
her father objected.
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He thought Thomas's
"indoor disposition" would make
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for a weak provider,
so he challenged Thomas
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to survive a month alone
in the Lone Moose wilderness
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to prove his strength.
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Desperate to be with
his beloved, Thomas accepted.
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He promised Ruby
that once he returned,
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they would wed and live togethr
in two side-by-side cabins,
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because, as the saying goes,
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"Their love couldn't be
contained by just one cabin."
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And so, brave Thomas headed off
into the wilderness.
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He died in a blizzard
almost immediately.
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That's very sad.
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And very romantic.
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When his body was discovered
by trappers,
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Thomas hadn't even
built himself a shelter.
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Instead, he was surrounded
by puppets he'd constructed.
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The puppets did have
their own shelter.
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And outhouse.
And tiny stage.
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Ruby was heartbroken.
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She spent the rest of her days
living in just one cabin
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with her best friend Anne.
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To this very day,
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the Lone Moose School celebrates
this epic love story
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with a dance.
The girls invite the boys,
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and the boys who don't
get invited stand outside
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in the snow for an hour
in homage to Thomas.
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But Crispin won't be
one of those boys
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because he'll be trotting
into dance land with moi,
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like an elegant little horse.
(whinnies)
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Ooh, and speaking of elegance,
I bought a new eye shadow
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called Girl Boss Blue,
and I better go slather that on.
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Okay, but don't slather
for them, Judy. Slather for you!
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-(grunts)
-Dad, you could have died
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or ripped the banner.
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-What's all this about?
-Brian called last night.
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He's coming up from Anchorage
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for the weekend
to have dinner with a client.
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Uncle Brian's coming? Sick!
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It is very sick, and I want
everything to be perfect.
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It's been a full year since
he moved to that urban hellhole
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00:03:04,560 --> 00:03:06,501
to launch his hot tub business.
Poor guy.
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I'm sure he can't wait
to hang out with me
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and do all our old
favorite activities,
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like fishing and then
talking about how fishing went.
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Hold up. There's a real-life
entrepreneur coming to visit?
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Wolf and I have a few
very exciting business ideas,
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and we've been looking
for investors.
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But it's hard to find a backer
we can trust.
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Some of these concepts
are pure gold,
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and you never know
who might try to steal them.
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Including...
(quietly): Jeff Bezos.
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Always listening
with his Alexas.
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I just needed new towels,
Jeffrey!
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It's not my personality!
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(gasps) Good morning, banner.
You're new.
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Uh-oh, Judy. I know
attention-seeking eye shadow
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when I see it.
Who hurt you? Where is he?!
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Actually, it's yours Jude-ly
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who'll be doing
the heart-breaking today.
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I'm asking Crispin Cienfuegos
to be my date
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to the Thomas Wintersbone
Memorial Ladies' Choice Dance.
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Samantha R. always invites me.
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We share a mutual respect
for the worm:
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the lowliest of creatures,
the funkiest of dances.
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How about you, Ham? Any
special guys caught your eyes?
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Eh, not lately.
Besides, it's ladies' choice.
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I'll just wait
till Principal Gibbons
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invites in all the left-behinds.
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00:04:04,227 --> 00:04:06,561
Actually, Ham, your cousin
Becca's gonna be in town.
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-She'll invite you inside.
-Score!
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Nothing could be cooler
than going
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to a dance with your cousin.
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Well, Crispin said yes!
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To making me
these wildberry smoothies.
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You know, Judy, you shouldn't
feel pressure to go with Crispin
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just because he's the hot new
thing, fresh in from Michigan.
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Why not go with Gill Beavers
again?
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He's so sweet.
Like an elderly pharmacist.
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Gill's too sweet.
And Steven Huang was a dry run.
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But this is a wet run.
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Politely, I don't think
you know what you're saying.
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What happened
when you tried to ask?
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I went into a kind of hypnosis.
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He talks with his mouth open,
and I could see down his throat,
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which was very exciting to me.
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-Oh! Been there!
-And I just kept
ordering smoothies,
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because I could only remember
one word in my fugue state:
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wildberry.
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I certainly did not ask him
to the dance.
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Judy, asking a man out is
like buying a timeshare.
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The less you think about it
or discuss it with a lawyer,
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the better. Watch this.
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Hello, sir.
Would you like to date me?
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Me? Wow. I would be honored.
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Thank you, but I'm not
actually interested.
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I was just showing
young Judy here
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how to proposition a man.
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Ah, for a second,
I thought, "Santiago,
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your decades-long dry spell
is over." But, no, it continues.
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Isn't life funny? Bye.
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-Got it, Judes? Just like that.
-(giggles)
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I got it.
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Here I go, Alyson. Here I go.
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Okay, here I go.
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Ugh. Here... I... go.
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Judy, your ride,
aka me, is here.
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Hey, how about we pop over
to Smoothie Boss
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and, uh, check out
the hip after-work crowd?
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God, this crowd is hip.
I feel like I'm in Milan.
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Welcome to Smoothie Boss.
How may I boss you today?
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Oh, FYI, we're out
of wildberry powder.
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You ate it all.
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One tropical smoothie,
medium chunky, please.
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Hey, you're that guy
in my history class
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and my math class.
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Yeah, and your biology class
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and your gym class
and your every other class.
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There are 16 kids in our grade,
and I'm one of them.
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Ham. And you're Crispin.
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-Oh. Sorry.
-Thank you.
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00:05:56,540 --> 00:05:57,764
-Oh. No, I'm sorry.
-Oh, no, no, no.
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-Thank you.
-Thank you. Thank you.
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You're welcome. Sorry
I haven't been, like, outgoing.
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We moved here three weeks ago,
but sometimes
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I still miss Michigan.
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This year's Miss Michigan is...
Crispin Cienfuegos! (laughs)
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Ugh. I can't imagine moving.
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I'd have to move all my snowmen,
but they'd melt.
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And then
who would protect our new house?
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Wow. You get it.
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No one's ever said that to me.
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Hey. So, are you going
to be at that dance
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everyone's talking about?
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Oh, he'll be there!
With our cousin Becca.
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And you know what
I'm just thinking of right now,
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is that you should go with me!
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Oh, um, sure, I'll go with you,
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and he'll go with cousin Becca,
and we'll, like, go together.
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Okay, great. Oh!
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I guess I'll be seeing you
in the conga line.
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Not if you're in front of me.
(laughs)
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00:06:40,758 --> 00:06:43,050
Oh, I'd turn around...
to see you in the conga line.
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♪ He said "yes"! ♪
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-(knocking)
-Hello!
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Um, I was just
stopping by because
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you left this at Smoothie Boss.
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00:06:56,792 --> 00:06:58,566
Ah, my receipt?
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00:06:58,585 --> 00:07:01,753
Crispin, this is a pretty
thin excuse to come see me.
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00:07:01,905 --> 00:07:03,237
Is... Ham here?
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00:07:03,298 --> 00:07:05,331
I'm here, and I'm Ham.
189
00:07:05,426 --> 00:07:07,016
I brought Judy her receipt.
190
00:07:07,085 --> 00:07:08,318
She left it at Smoothie Boss.
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00:07:08,420 --> 00:07:10,578
She's a real Forgetful Filomena.
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00:07:10,597 --> 00:07:12,747
Well, shall we give you
the grand tour?
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00:07:12,808 --> 00:07:14,340
Oh. Okay. Sure.
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00:07:14,493 --> 00:07:16,176
Let me just lift
this velvet rope.
195
00:07:16,328 --> 00:07:17,769
Great object work, Ham!
196
00:07:17,962 --> 00:07:20,497
And I'm making microwave popcorn
for our tour.
197
00:07:20,557 --> 00:07:23,166
Normally, I'd go stove-top,
but our gas got turned off
198
00:07:23,185 --> 00:07:24,684
because Father lost everything
at the greyhound races,
199
00:07:24,778 --> 00:07:26,352
and then--
Oh, ooh, oh, you left.
200
00:07:26,505 --> 00:07:27,854
Here I come!
201
00:07:28,006 --> 00:07:31,024
Look who couldn't stay away
from Lone Moose.
202
00:07:31,118 --> 00:07:32,784
Becca, say hello
to your cousins.
203
00:07:32,936 --> 00:07:34,435
Can I finish my page, Dad?
204
00:07:34,455 --> 00:07:36,029
Wait a minute. Why are you
wearing wedding pants?
205
00:07:36,123 --> 00:07:37,622
These are just my work pants.
206
00:07:37,815 --> 00:07:40,125
No offense,
but you look like a lunatic.
207
00:07:40,294 --> 00:07:41,960
I appreciate your
snobby clothes, Uncle Brian.
208
00:07:42,153 --> 00:07:45,297
In the world of business, a
first impression is everything.
209
00:07:45,490 --> 00:07:47,691
That's why, whenever
I'm in someone's office,
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00:07:47,709 --> 00:07:49,784
I move one object.
Now I'm in your head.
211
00:07:49,887 --> 00:07:51,711
-You must be Honeybee.
-Mucho gusto.
212
00:07:51,863 --> 00:07:53,638
You know, Wolf and I run
a few small ventures
213
00:07:53,831 --> 00:07:55,532
from the guesthouse.
214
00:07:55,550 --> 00:07:57,309
We thought you might be
interested in learning more.
215
00:07:57,502 --> 00:07:59,160
Wow, this sounds great,
but, uh,
216
00:07:59,162 --> 00:08:00,795
I haven't peed in four hours,
217
00:08:00,814 --> 00:08:02,481
so come along and pitch me
through the bathroom door.
218
00:08:02,674 --> 00:08:04,649
You'll have to be loud.
I have a strong stream.
219
00:08:04,818 --> 00:08:06,651
Of course you do.
220
00:08:06,803 --> 00:08:09,637
Ah, Chez Ham.
221
00:08:09,698 --> 00:08:12,407
We call it that
because it's my "chez."
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00:08:14,686 --> 00:08:16,720
Oh, good call
sitting over there.
223
00:08:16,780 --> 00:08:18,555
This beanbag is
way less supportive.
224
00:08:18,657 --> 00:08:21,391
But it's worth it
to look this cool
225
00:08:21,493 --> 00:08:24,244
sitting alone
in a beanbag chair.
226
00:08:24,396 --> 00:08:25,745
Those are just some leaves
I've loved.
227
00:08:25,897 --> 00:08:27,372
I love a lot of leaves.
228
00:08:27,566 --> 00:08:30,233
This is so creative, and
it kind of reminds me of home.
229
00:08:30,293 --> 00:08:32,085
Lot of deciduous trees
in Michigan?
230
00:08:32,237 --> 00:08:33,678
You can't even imagine.
231
00:08:33,830 --> 00:08:36,256
(whispering):
Counterpoint: I can imagine
232
00:08:36,391 --> 00:08:39,075
with this and this.
233
00:08:39,135 --> 00:08:41,836
Let me just scoot
right over here.
234
00:08:41,897 --> 00:08:45,172
And... ah, perfect. Ah.
235
00:08:45,234 --> 00:08:46,750
This leaf looks like the Grinch,
236
00:08:46,810 --> 00:08:49,419
but he was actually
a real sweetie.
237
00:08:49,479 --> 00:08:52,088
You know who a real sweetie is?
Abraham Lincoln.
238
00:08:52,148 --> 00:08:56,109
Some people say he kept a jar
of molasses under that tall hat.
239
00:08:56,203 --> 00:08:57,944
You're weird. I like it.
240
00:08:58,096 --> 00:08:59,353
-Thank you.
-Thank you.
241
00:08:59,456 --> 00:09:01,598
All right! Let's get down
to hanging out.
242
00:09:01,616 --> 00:09:03,783
I bought glow-in-the-dark bait,
so our night fishing
243
00:09:03,877 --> 00:09:06,286
is gonna be like a disco
for the fish.
244
00:09:06,421 --> 00:09:09,196
A goodbye disco, because
of how we kill and eat them.
245
00:09:09,216 --> 00:09:11,624
I actually have to catch up
on a bunch of e-mails,
246
00:09:11,718 --> 00:09:14,535
but get in here. You can press
"send." That's the fun part.
247
00:09:14,596 --> 00:09:17,614
-Swoosh! Another one.
-Clicked like a pro, Beef.
248
00:09:17,632 --> 00:09:19,373
Who's next? Why don't we drop
Fred Futz a line?
249
00:09:19,434 --> 00:09:21,301
Kerplunk. (laughs)
250
00:09:21,453 --> 00:09:23,787
That was the line dropping.
Well, technically, the lure.
251
00:09:23,847 --> 00:09:26,398
The line herself wouldn't make
any sound, as you know.
252
00:09:26,591 --> 00:09:28,308
You know, selling these tubs
is a lot like fishing.
253
00:09:28,402 --> 00:09:31,385
It is? Are there long,
thrilling bouts of waiting?
254
00:09:31,446 --> 00:09:33,738
Indeed. I send out these e-mails
with nothing
255
00:09:33,890 --> 00:09:36,408
but the warm bubbly bliss
of high-end hot tubs as my bait.
256
00:09:36,601 --> 00:09:38,468
And then,
I wait to see who bites.
257
00:09:38,486 --> 00:09:40,987
-Ooh, where's my "send" friend?
-Now we're fishing with gas!
258
00:09:41,123 --> 00:09:44,398
It's something we would never
actually do. It's a pollutant.
259
00:09:44,459 --> 00:09:45,825
JUDY:
Wowsh McGowsh.
260
00:09:45,977 --> 00:09:48,161
Is Crispin waiting
to walk me to class?
261
00:09:48,255 --> 00:09:50,163
Moon, are my eyebrows even?
With each other.
262
00:09:50,315 --> 00:09:51,572
Not with my ears
or with my lips.
263
00:09:51,592 --> 00:09:54,167
Ooh. Are you sure
you want to do this now?
264
00:09:54,319 --> 00:09:56,761
Hey. Can I, uh,
walk you to class?
265
00:09:56,954 --> 00:09:58,838
Me as in me, or me as in Judy?
266
00:09:58,932 --> 00:10:00,432
Yeah, your sister can come, too.
267
00:10:00,625 --> 00:10:02,342
-Great.
-Hey, Crispin.
268
00:10:02,494 --> 00:10:03,584
Judy, we're walking to class.
269
00:10:03,645 --> 00:10:06,104
-V-formation, like geese.
-Okay.
270
00:10:06,255 --> 00:10:08,106
Honk, honk.
Here comes Judy!
271
00:10:08,299 --> 00:10:11,351
♪ You, you make me feel alive ♪
272
00:10:11,486 --> 00:10:14,504
♪ I'm happy just
to let you know ♪
273
00:10:14,522 --> 00:10:17,690
♪ What's inside,
my heart is flying ♪
274
00:10:17,826 --> 00:10:22,011
♪ I've been waiting for a chance
to show you who I am ♪
275
00:10:22,072 --> 00:10:24,364
♪ Now, baby, please ♪
276
00:10:24,458 --> 00:10:27,959
♪ You're like a Sunday morning
summer breeze. ♪
277
00:10:28,152 --> 00:10:29,869
Well, hello, Shark.
278
00:10:29,963 --> 00:10:32,689
If it isn't Lone Moose's most
entrepre-dorable couple.
279
00:10:32,749 --> 00:10:35,024
-You got more ideas for me?
-We sure do.
280
00:10:35,043 --> 00:10:36,693
Do you love eating food,
281
00:10:36,753 --> 00:10:39,304
but hate cleaning said food off
of your elegant pants?
282
00:10:39,455 --> 00:10:41,030
-You know what you need?
-A bib?
283
00:10:41,091 --> 00:10:42,807
-Mm-mm.
-A stupid and unhelpful
paper towel?
284
00:10:42,959 --> 00:10:45,385
-Mm-mm.
-What do I need? Lay it on me.
285
00:10:45,479 --> 00:10:47,704
We'll lay it on you. Literally.
286
00:10:47,722 --> 00:10:49,555
You need one of these
World-Famous Lapkins--
287
00:10:49,650 --> 00:10:52,133
extra-large napkins
for your adult-sized lap.
288
00:10:52,194 --> 00:10:53,968
I guess I don't see the market?
289
00:10:54,029 --> 00:10:55,469
But wait. We haven't explained
290
00:10:55,489 --> 00:10:57,304
how Lapkins is also
a social media platform.
291
00:10:57,366 --> 00:10:58,657
I'd love to hear it.
292
00:10:58,850 --> 00:11:00,641
Can we circle back
after my client dinner?
293
00:11:00,702 --> 00:11:03,644
Yeah, sometimes we circle back
with each other just for fun.
294
00:11:03,664 --> 00:11:06,055
Oh, man, he wants Lapkins.
295
00:11:06,157 --> 00:11:07,740
This is just a dance.
296
00:11:07,893 --> 00:11:10,560
Tonight is the night he goes
from Crispin Cienfuegos
297
00:11:10,620 --> 00:11:13,630
to I-Kissed-Him Cienfuegos.
298
00:11:16,885 --> 00:11:19,752
♪
299
00:11:19,905 --> 00:11:21,554
Time to wiggle.
300
00:11:24,709 --> 00:11:26,092
♪
301
00:11:26,186 --> 00:11:27,911
-Wow.
-Whoa.
-Um...
302
00:11:27,929 --> 00:11:29,078
Are we supposed to be impressed?
303
00:11:29,139 --> 00:11:30,413
Didn't get me, either.
304
00:11:30,473 --> 00:11:32,023
Sorry, I forgot
to get you a corsage.
305
00:11:32,175 --> 00:11:34,918
But I have this paper crown
from work in my pocket.
306
00:11:34,978 --> 00:11:37,253
Uh, you can put it on your wrist
if you want to.
307
00:11:37,313 --> 00:11:39,513
Oh, wow. Yeah.
308
00:11:39,574 --> 00:11:41,607
Ham, I also got you something.
309
00:11:41,702 --> 00:11:44,035
(gasps)
Shut up. Pinto beans?
310
00:11:44,187 --> 00:11:47,764
When I saw them in my kitchen,
it reminded me of the, uh,
311
00:11:47,824 --> 00:11:50,357
um, the time we sat
on the beanbag, together.
312
00:11:50,460 --> 00:11:52,785
Because this is
an actual bag of beans.
313
00:11:52,938 --> 00:11:54,270
(exhales)
Gosh-ola.
314
00:11:54,289 --> 00:11:56,965
I also look back fondly
on our beanbag hang.
315
00:11:58,260 --> 00:11:59,792
Well, we should probably
get going.
316
00:11:59,886 --> 00:12:01,886
Hey, uh, hop-hop on, dude.
317
00:12:02,055 --> 00:12:03,463
You got it, dude.
318
00:12:03,557 --> 00:12:05,206
They left.
319
00:12:05,267 --> 00:12:06,466
Oh. No worries, Crispin!
320
00:12:06,560 --> 00:12:08,059
I'll just meet you at the dance.
321
00:12:08,252 --> 00:12:09,853
-Becca, let's go!
-Can I finish my page?
322
00:12:14,350 --> 00:12:15,308
Welcome, everyone,
to the most romantic night
323
00:12:15,402 --> 00:12:17,051
of the year for children.
324
00:12:17,070 --> 00:12:19,553
Ladies, you'll now step forward
to invite your dates in.
325
00:12:19,656 --> 00:12:23,074
Whatever. The simulation
makes our decisions anyway.
326
00:12:23,267 --> 00:12:25,151
Brad Chamberlain.
327
00:12:25,245 --> 00:12:27,987
I will be
328
00:12:28,123 --> 00:12:31,491
inviting inside...
329
00:12:31,585 --> 00:12:33,400
It's too cold for these pauses.
And I love drama.
330
00:12:33,462 --> 00:12:36,329
...Crispin Cienfuegos.
331
00:12:36,423 --> 00:12:39,332
I said: Crispin Cienfuegos!
332
00:12:39,426 --> 00:12:41,651
-Whoa. Uhp. You got me.
-I got you.
333
00:12:41,669 --> 00:12:43,486
-JUDY: Ham!
-Hey, Judy. What's up?
334
00:12:43,588 --> 00:12:46,097
I'm trying to invite Crispin in,
and you're ruining it!
335
00:12:46,249 --> 00:12:49,675
-Now, this I like.
-I said: Crispin Cienfuegos.
336
00:12:49,770 --> 00:12:51,978
(laughs)
337
00:12:52,964 --> 00:12:54,272
-Surprise.
-Ah!
338
00:12:54,465 --> 00:12:56,516
I've decided to come along
and help you
339
00:12:56,610 --> 00:12:58,518
-with your big client dinner.
-(exhales)
340
00:12:58,612 --> 00:13:00,779
That is so generous,
but you don't need to.
341
00:13:00,972 --> 00:13:02,505
No. I insist.
342
00:13:02,524 --> 00:13:04,265
We'll hit him
with the classic Tobin charm,
343
00:13:04,284 --> 00:13:06,451
and the deal will be closed
before we even get the menus.
344
00:13:06,644 --> 00:13:09,454
Come on, let's get down
to Tobiz-ness.
345
00:13:10,606 --> 00:13:11,956
Prentis.
346
00:13:12,242 --> 00:13:13,941
I hope you don't mind,
I brought my brother Beef along.
347
00:13:13,960 --> 00:13:15,368
Ah, pleased to meet you, Beef.
348
00:13:15,462 --> 00:13:17,629
Prentis, so let's talk
about your needs.
349
00:13:17,822 --> 00:13:19,631
I know what I need.
Mozzarella sticks.
350
00:13:19,824 --> 00:13:21,691
(chuckles) I don't think
they have that.
351
00:13:21,751 --> 00:13:23,617
BEEF:
Oh, look at these
little butterballs.
352
00:13:23,720 --> 00:13:27,363
Mmm. Oh, you got to try one.
They're carved into seashells.
353
00:13:27,423 --> 00:13:28,531
-Open up.
-No! No.
354
00:13:28,591 --> 00:13:30,049
(muffled):
No...
355
00:13:30,201 --> 00:13:31,643
BEFF:
Do you trust me, Prentis?
356
00:13:31,836 --> 00:13:34,037
Give me your finger.
357
00:13:34,097 --> 00:13:36,205
That, my friend, is just a taste
358
00:13:36,266 --> 00:13:39,208
of what you can expect
from Brian's tubs.
359
00:13:39,227 --> 00:13:41,653
-Please let
my client's finger go.
-Or I put my finger
360
00:13:41,846 --> 00:13:45,048
in there, too, and now
you're hot-tubbin' with a pal.
361
00:13:45,108 --> 00:13:48,309
One time, I found a dead bear
that I harvested for meat.
362
00:13:48,328 --> 00:13:49,994
Beef, I-I'm not sure
this is the best story.
363
00:13:50,187 --> 00:13:53,498
-Prentis is a strict vegetarian.
-Everyone loves this story.
364
00:13:53,691 --> 00:13:55,725
So, when I cut open
its stomach, I found...
365
00:13:55,827 --> 00:13:58,744
-Hey, why not...
-...not one but two bats inside,
366
00:13:58,897 --> 00:14:02,156
which is crazy,
because bears don't eat bats.
367
00:14:02,217 --> 00:14:03,842
(laughs):
It's like, what-what...
368
00:14:03,993 --> 00:14:05,751
what are you doing in there,
stupid bats?
369
00:14:05,887 --> 00:14:07,904
H-Having a party?
370
00:14:07,964 --> 00:14:09,848
Dumb bats. Wha...
371
00:14:10,041 --> 00:14:11,498
(gulps)
Bats.
372
00:14:11,518 --> 00:14:13,076
Well, Brian, thank you
373
00:14:13,094 --> 00:14:15,502
for this very enjoyable
but, uh, confusing dinner.
374
00:14:15,522 --> 00:14:17,747
I don't think I know enough
about your hot tubs to make
375
00:14:17,807 --> 00:14:22,418
any type of decision tonight, so
let's touch base in a few weeks.
376
00:14:22,478 --> 00:14:24,253
Ooh, well, that went well.
377
00:14:24,272 --> 00:14:25,864
He said he was gonna
touch your base.
378
00:14:26,057 --> 00:14:29,092
Beef, "circle back" is good.
"Touch base" is very bad.
379
00:14:29,152 --> 00:14:31,110
I'm gonna put down a credit
card. Go ahead and sign for me.
380
00:14:31,204 --> 00:14:33,020
-I'll be in the car.
-(moans)
381
00:14:33,081 --> 00:14:36,432
I should've put another finger
in the tiny hot tub.
382
00:14:36,451 --> 00:14:40,194
-(dance music playing)
-This is what it's all about,
my freaks.
383
00:14:40,255 --> 00:14:42,696
So...
384
00:14:42,757 --> 00:14:44,290
-do you want to dance?
-What?
385
00:14:44,442 --> 00:14:45,775
Oh, yeah, definitely.
386
00:14:45,835 --> 00:14:47,385
Uh, but first,
I have to go to the bathroom.
387
00:14:47,554 --> 00:14:49,203
I also have
to go to the bathroom.
388
00:14:49,264 --> 00:14:52,557
Desperately.
But not in a gross way.
389
00:14:54,769 --> 00:14:56,728
-Hey.
-Oh, hey.
390
00:14:56,879 --> 00:14:58,471
Your sister had
a bathroom emergency.
391
00:14:58,565 --> 00:15:01,290
So I was thinking, these
dance floor moments are few.
392
00:15:01,309 --> 00:15:03,976
Maybe we could dance together?
So as not to waste them?
393
00:15:04,112 --> 00:15:06,053
Yeah. I mean,
we shouldn't waste them.
394
00:15:06,114 --> 00:15:07,655
That's wasting.
395
00:15:12,103 --> 00:15:14,561
Oh. Crispin's dancing.
396
00:15:14,581 --> 00:15:15,580
So is Ham.
397
00:15:15,773 --> 00:15:19,083
They're doing it at each other.
398
00:15:19,276 --> 00:15:21,377
♪ ♪
399
00:15:23,256 --> 00:15:26,165
Oh, but...
400
00:15:26,259 --> 00:15:28,409
-But...
-Oh! Judy, wait.
401
00:15:28,470 --> 00:15:30,744
We were trying not to waste
the dance floor moments.
402
00:15:30,805 --> 00:15:35,416
Crispin was supposed
to be my date.
403
00:15:35,477 --> 00:15:38,828
And news flash, pinto beans
are not a good gift!
404
00:15:38,888 --> 00:15:43,349
I'm sorry, Crispin, just...
I can't do this to my sister.
405
00:15:43,443 --> 00:15:45,351
Goodbye, Ham Tobin.
406
00:15:45,503 --> 00:15:47,503
I'll see you
in every single class.
407
00:15:47,563 --> 00:15:50,356
That deal was really important
to me and you ruined it.
408
00:15:50,450 --> 00:15:52,784
(sighs) I'm sorry.
I thought I was helping.
409
00:15:52,953 --> 00:15:54,953
I just feel like you've changed.
410
00:15:55,121 --> 00:15:56,621
You'd rather e-mail than fish.
411
00:15:56,790 --> 00:15:58,456
You're right, Beef.
I've changed.
412
00:15:58,607 --> 00:16:00,291
I love wearing wedding pants
every day.
413
00:16:00,484 --> 00:16:02,293
I love crushing
conference calls.
414
00:16:02,486 --> 00:16:03,962
This is who I am now.
415
00:16:04,155 --> 00:16:06,464
But do you still like
Lone Moose?
416
00:16:06,615 --> 00:16:09,041
Of course. I love Lone Moose,
because you're here.
417
00:16:09,135 --> 00:16:10,635
And all our memories are here.
418
00:16:10,786 --> 00:16:12,804
But the truth is,
when I was out fishing
419
00:16:12,997 --> 00:16:15,047
or pressure-washing boats
that would later be fished in
420
00:16:15,141 --> 00:16:16,957
or selling bulk
pulverized sardines
421
00:16:17,060 --> 00:16:20,144
to use as bait for fishing,
I wasn't happy.
422
00:16:20,296 --> 00:16:22,038
How is that possible?
423
00:16:22,056 --> 00:16:24,540
Because being brothers doesn't
mean we're the same person.
424
00:16:24,600 --> 00:16:26,633
It just means we care
about each other.
425
00:16:26,653 --> 00:16:30,488
I do care. I'm gonna try
to support your big-city life,
426
00:16:30,639 --> 00:16:32,548
even though I also think
it's terrible
427
00:16:32,608 --> 00:16:34,808
and I miss you
and will you please move back?
428
00:16:34,828 --> 00:16:36,886
-Beef.
-Sorry. I'll stop now.
429
00:16:36,988 --> 00:16:39,388
I do enjoy your salon-bought
haircut, though.
430
00:16:39,407 --> 00:16:40,890
It gives you
an air of authority,
431
00:16:40,950 --> 00:16:42,316
like a flight attendant.
432
00:16:42,377 --> 00:16:43,650
Well, then,
please remain seated, Beef,
433
00:16:43,712 --> 00:16:45,895
in the first-class cabin
of my heart.
434
00:16:45,955 --> 00:16:50,750
(crying) Stupid dance.
Stupid people dancing.
435
00:16:50,902 --> 00:16:52,918
Dumb love is a stupid lie.
436
00:16:53,054 --> 00:16:56,014
Like the "free cone" coupons
they won't honor at DQ.
437
00:16:56,207 --> 00:16:58,165
"Ooh, they're expired, Judy."
438
00:16:58,226 --> 00:16:59,517
Idiots!
439
00:16:59,710 --> 00:17:01,019
I hate love.
440
00:17:01,212 --> 00:17:03,262
-Hey, girl.
-(gasps) Who said that?
441
00:17:03,414 --> 00:17:05,172
I did, you sad, sad lady,
442
00:17:05,233 --> 00:17:07,266
weeping up a storm
on my special day.
443
00:17:07,418 --> 00:17:10,344
Thomas Wintersbone? Is that you?
444
00:17:10,405 --> 00:17:12,012
Girl, you know it's me.
445
00:17:12,032 --> 00:17:14,106
Now, what in the hell
is wrong, sad lady?
446
00:17:14,200 --> 00:17:16,259
You're a 16-year-old girl
at a school dance.
447
00:17:16,277 --> 00:17:17,368
You should be in there
working the room,
448
00:17:17,520 --> 00:17:19,520
dropping it low,
catching smooches.
449
00:17:19,581 --> 00:17:22,615
Well, that's just it, Thomas.
I'm Smoochless in Seattle.
450
00:17:22,709 --> 00:17:25,451
I came here tonight
to experience romance
451
00:17:25,587 --> 00:17:28,195
with Crispin,
from Smoothie Boss?
452
00:17:28,214 --> 00:17:29,789
But then he met my brother Ham.
453
00:17:29,941 --> 00:17:31,698
And they're doing everything
I was supposed to do.
454
00:17:31,760 --> 00:17:36,112
They flirted and laughed and
even shared a home-run smooch.
455
00:17:36,130 --> 00:17:39,873
(sighs) All I ever wanted
was my own epic love story,
456
00:17:39,934 --> 00:17:41,208
just like yours and Ruby's.
457
00:17:41,269 --> 00:17:43,043
(shrieks)
Epic love story?
458
00:17:43,104 --> 00:17:45,712
Ruby Wrench and I
were not in love.
459
00:17:45,774 --> 00:17:47,381
We were friends brought
together by a world
460
00:17:47,442 --> 00:17:49,067
that made us both
feel like outsiders.
461
00:17:49,218 --> 00:17:50,568
You see, Ruby, she preferred
462
00:17:50,761 --> 00:17:52,570
the company
of her best friend Anne.
463
00:17:52,721 --> 00:17:54,739
-JUDY: I don't understand.
-THOMAS: How can I put this?
464
00:17:54,932 --> 00:17:57,241
They were women who kissed upon
the lips in the night, Judy.
465
00:17:57,434 --> 00:17:59,485
-Oh, they were lesbians.
-Okay, sure.
466
00:17:59,621 --> 00:18:00,986
Is that what you call it
nowadays?
467
00:18:01,139 --> 00:18:03,397
And me, I was a lesbian for men.
468
00:18:03,458 --> 00:18:04,916
Especially lumberjacks.
469
00:18:05,067 --> 00:18:07,326
I was very lesbian
for lumberjacks.
470
00:18:07,420 --> 00:18:09,645
Um, Thomas, two boys
is called "gay" now.
471
00:18:09,664 --> 00:18:11,923
Too late, Judy, I'm dead.
May I go on?
472
00:18:12,116 --> 00:18:14,834
Ruby and I decided to wed
to avoid persecution,
473
00:18:14,986 --> 00:18:16,260
not for love.
474
00:18:16,453 --> 00:18:17,820
And I promised to pay
a lumberjack
475
00:18:17,839 --> 00:18:19,413
to build us
a second cabin, for...
476
00:18:19,474 --> 00:18:21,507
-reasons.
-Because your love couldn't
477
00:18:21,659 --> 00:18:23,843
-be contained by just one cabin?
-No, we were lesbians.
478
00:18:23,937 --> 00:18:25,328
Focus up!
479
00:18:25,346 --> 00:18:27,254
I died alone in the snow,
480
00:18:27,315 --> 00:18:30,090
because I couldn't be
my own fabulous self.
481
00:18:30,110 --> 00:18:32,852
People didn't like the truth
of my untimely demise,
482
00:18:32,987 --> 00:18:36,839
so they made up a story
they found more agreeable.
483
00:18:36,899 --> 00:18:38,341
Does that sound familiar?
484
00:18:38,359 --> 00:18:39,692
Maybe a little bit
like what you've done
485
00:18:39,786 --> 00:18:42,027
with yours and Crispin's
epic love story?
486
00:18:42,122 --> 00:18:44,680
What? Oh, maybe.
487
00:18:44,740 --> 00:18:46,515
Love is a precious thing,
ladybug.
488
00:18:46,534 --> 00:18:48,108
Let Ham have his.
489
00:18:48,319 --> 00:18:50,444
And don't waste yours on someone
who can't even return it.
490
00:18:50,463 --> 00:18:52,630
I think I know
what I have to do.
491
00:18:52,823 --> 00:18:54,206
And you always did.
492
00:18:54,359 --> 00:18:55,541
Actually that's not true.
493
00:18:55,635 --> 00:18:58,344
I really had to walk you
right up to it.
494
00:18:59,806 --> 00:19:01,806
This dance
is a five-alarm fire of lies.
495
00:19:01,957 --> 00:19:05,551
And, well, it's time to pull out
the liar extinguisher.
496
00:19:05,645 --> 00:19:07,294
(laughs)
Ooh, I've got to write that down
497
00:19:07,355 --> 00:19:08,771
-and use it for my memoirs.
-(alarm ringing)
498
00:19:13,060 --> 00:19:14,968
Please move away
from the burning building
499
00:19:15,029 --> 00:19:17,304
-before it explodes!
-Everybody, there is no
burning building!
500
00:19:17,365 --> 00:19:21,384
I pulled the fire alarm,
because we need a redo.
501
00:19:21,485 --> 00:19:24,220
This dance was founded on a lie.
502
00:19:24,238 --> 00:19:25,738
Thomas and Ruby weren't in love.
503
00:19:25,890 --> 00:19:28,815
Their biggest dream was to live
in two separate cabins.
504
00:19:28,835 --> 00:19:31,502
Um, their love couldn't be
contained by just one cabin.
505
00:19:31,654 --> 00:19:34,821
Uh, no, they were gay!
This isn't a love story.
506
00:19:34,883 --> 00:19:38,083
It's a story about two people
who couldn't be themselves.
507
00:19:38,219 --> 00:19:40,736
It's a story about
someone who died,
508
00:19:40,755 --> 00:19:43,739
alone in the snow,
trying to fit in.
509
00:19:43,841 --> 00:19:46,517
If we really want to celebrate
Thomas and Ruby,
510
00:19:46,710 --> 00:19:48,761
tonight shouldn't be about
rules or tradition
511
00:19:48,913 --> 00:19:51,247
or staying outside
in homage to Thomas.
512
00:19:51,307 --> 00:19:53,249
He hated it outside.
513
00:19:53,267 --> 00:19:55,584
This should be a night
where everyone can have fun.
514
00:19:55,645 --> 00:19:57,528
No matter who they are
or who they like.
515
00:19:57,680 --> 00:19:59,588
Yeah, and if you're a girl
who wants to stay out here
516
00:19:59,649 --> 00:20:02,425
and make snow demons under
the impenetrable night sky,
517
00:20:02,485 --> 00:20:03,684
that's allowed, too.
518
00:20:03,745 --> 00:20:06,111
Uh, yeah, sure.
And one more thing:
519
00:20:06,206 --> 00:20:09,022
Crispin, I'm uninviting you in.
520
00:20:09,042 --> 00:20:10,616
(gasps)
Delicious.
521
00:20:10,768 --> 00:20:12,268
There's someone else
you really should've gone with
522
00:20:12,328 --> 00:20:13,786
in the first place.
523
00:20:13,880 --> 00:20:16,589
Ham, get up here.
524
00:20:18,551 --> 00:20:23,295
I'd like to invite
Crispin Cienfuegos in.
525
00:20:23,389 --> 00:20:25,765
-Hi.
-Hey.
526
00:20:26,875 --> 00:20:28,375
To Brian.
527
00:20:28,436 --> 00:20:30,469
But wait, how ever
will we keep these beers cold
528
00:20:30,563 --> 00:20:33,213
-in this hot steam?
-Our Roadkill Koozies
529
00:20:33,233 --> 00:20:35,624
are well-insulated,
sustainable and fun.
530
00:20:35,685 --> 00:20:37,384
-(yelps)
-So, do we have a deal?
531
00:20:37,403 --> 00:20:39,720
Do I love the koozie business
as an investor? No.
532
00:20:39,781 --> 00:20:42,556
But scary and full of whimsy?
Give me three.
533
00:20:42,617 --> 00:20:44,149
Great. Honeybee, start the car.
534
00:20:44,244 --> 00:20:46,244
We need to get two more
by midnight.
535
00:20:46,395 --> 00:20:47,319
(dance music playing)
536
00:20:47,455 --> 00:20:48,654
I think you're very beautiful,
537
00:20:48,790 --> 00:20:49,989
Judy Tobin.
538
00:20:50,141 --> 00:20:51,323
Inside and out. Dance with me?
539
00:20:51,417 --> 00:20:52,992
Thanks, Gill. Let's do it.
540
00:20:53,086 --> 00:20:55,494
♪ ♪
541
00:20:55,588 --> 00:20:58,422
♪ Perfect seashell butterballs ♪
542
00:20:58,574 --> 00:21:00,091
♪ Don't just stand there
by the wall ♪
543
00:21:00,284 --> 00:21:02,093
♪ Perfect seashell butterballs ♪
544
00:21:02,244 --> 00:21:04,503
♪ Let's get naughty-cal ♪
545
00:21:04,655 --> 00:21:06,747
-♪ Come on! ♪
-♪ Fun and creamy,
round and rich ♪
546
00:21:06,766 --> 00:21:08,657
♪ From the ocean to your lips ♪
547
00:21:08,759 --> 00:21:10,676
♪ From the shores of Waikiki ♪
548
00:21:10,828 --> 00:21:12,344
♪ To the bowl in front of me ♪
549
00:21:12,438 --> 00:21:14,497
♪ Clinging to the hulls
of ships ♪
550
00:21:14,515 --> 00:21:15,756
♪ Everybody shake your hips ♪
551
00:21:15,817 --> 00:21:17,683
♪ Perfect seashell butterballs ♪
552
00:21:17,777 --> 00:21:19,944
♪ Don't be a flower
on the wall ♪
553
00:21:20,137 --> 00:21:22,021
♪ Perfect seashell butterballs ♪
554
00:21:22,115 --> 00:21:24,173
♪ Let's get naughty-cal ♪
555
00:21:24,233 --> 00:21:26,433
♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪
556
00:21:26,452 --> 00:21:28,452
♪ Now you're eating butter
with a pal. ♪
557
00:21:29,480 --> 00:21:30,288
Captioning sponsored by
BENTO BOX ENTERTAINMENT
558
00:21:30,481 --> 00:21:32,623
and TOYOTA.