-♪ Look up there ♪ -♪ What do you see? ♪
♪ Nature and stuff ♪
-♪ Like a rock ♪ -♪ And a tree ♪
♪ Oh, the Great North ♪
♪ Way up here, you can breathe the air ♪
♪ Catch some fish ♪
♪ Or gaze at a bear ♪
♪ Wow ♪
♪ Oh, the Great North ♪
♪ Here we live, oh, oh ♪
♪ Here we'll stay, oh, whoo ♪
♪ From longest night to longest day ♪
♪ In the Great North. ♪
Good morning, Alanis Morissette.
It is I, Judy Tobin, queen of courtship and boys.
(yawning): Are you okay? It's 4:30 a.m.
Yup. Today, I ask Crispin Cienfuegos,
the hottest mall hottie in the mall, to be my date
to the Thomas Wintersbone Memorial Ladies' Choice Dance.
In the past, I've always invited
my best platonic guy-friend Gill Beavers.
But... (chuckles) I'm a sophisticated adult woman now.
And you deserve a sophisticated adult dance experience.
Exactly! Just like Thomas Wintersbone would have wanted.
Are you familiar with our school's
most famous teacher Thomas Wintersbone?
Oh, yes, I'm very familiar. You've told me many times...
You can't talk about 1800s Lone Moose
without talking about Thomas Wintersbone.
ALANIS: Oh, here we go.
JUDY: He... was... everywhere.
Thomas was a gregarious man
with a passion for the arts and letters.
A passion that eventually led him to become a schoolteacher.
And it was there that he met the love of his life, Ruby,
the school's hardworking groundskeeper.
But when Thomas asked
for Ruby's hand in marriage, her father objected.
He thought Thomas's "indoor disposition" would make
for a weak provider, so he challenged Thomas
to survive a month alone in the Lone Moose wilderness
to prove his strength.
Desperate to be with his beloved, Thomas accepted.
He promised Ruby that once he returned,
they would wed and live togethr in two side-by-side cabins,
because, as the saying goes,
"Their love couldn't be contained by just one cabin."
And so, brave Thomas headed off into the wilderness.
He died in a blizzard almost immediately.
That's very sad.
And very romantic.
When his body was discovered by trappers,
Thomas hadn't even built himself a shelter.
Instead, he was surrounded by puppets he'd constructed.
The puppets did have their own shelter.
And outhouse. And tiny stage.
Ruby was heartbroken.
She spent the rest of her days living in just one cabin
with her best friend Anne.
To this very day,
the Lone Moose School celebrates this epic love story
with a dance. The girls invite the boys,
and the boys who don't get invited stand outside
in the snow for an hour in homage to Thomas.
But Crispin won't be one of those boys
because he'll be trotting into dance land with moi,
like an elegant little horse. (whinnies)
Ooh, and speaking of elegance, I bought a new eye shadow
called Girl Boss Blue, and I better go slather that on.
Okay, but don't slather for them, Judy. Slather for you!
-(grunts) -Dad, you could have died
or ripped the banner.
-What's all this about? -Brian called last night.
He's coming up from Anchorage
for the weekend to have dinner with a client.
Uncle Brian's coming? Sick!
It is very sick, and I want everything to be perfect.
It's been a full year since he moved to that urban hellhole
to launch his hot tub business. Poor guy.
I'm sure he can't wait to hang out with me
and do all our old favorite activities,
like fishing and then talking about how fishing went.
Hold up. There's a real-life entrepreneur coming to visit?
Wolf and I have a few very exciting business ideas,
and we've been looking for investors.
But it's hard to find a backer we can trust.
Some of these concepts are pure gold,
and you never know who might try to steal them.
Including... (quietly): Jeff Bezos.
Always listening with his Alexas.
I just needed new towels, Jeffrey!
It's not my personality!
(gasps) Good morning, banner. You're new.
Uh-oh, Judy. I know attention-seeking eye shadow
when I see it. Who hurt you? Where is he?!
Actually, it's yours Jude-ly
who'll be doing the heart-breaking today.
I'm asking Crispin Cienfuegos to be my date
to the Thomas Wintersbone Memorial Ladies' Choice Dance.
Samantha R. always invites me.
We share a mutual respect for the worm:
the lowliest of creatures, the funkiest of dances.
How about you, Ham? Any special guys caught your eyes?
Eh, not lately. Besides, it's ladies' choice.
I'll just wait till Principal Gibbons
invites in all the left-behinds.
Actually, Ham, your cousin Becca's gonna be in town.
-She'll invite you inside. -Score!
Nothing could be cooler than going
to a dance with your cousin.
Well, Crispin said yes!
To making me these wildberry smoothies.
You know, Judy, you shouldn't feel pressure to go with Crispin
just because he's the hot new thing, fresh in from Michigan.
Why not go with Gill Beavers again?
He's so sweet. Like an elderly pharmacist.
Gill's too sweet. And Steven Huang was a dry run.
But this is a wet run.
Politely, I don't think you know what you're saying.
What happened when you tried to ask?
I went into a kind of hypnosis.
He talks with his mouth open, and I could see down his throat,
which was very exciting to me.
-Oh! Been there! -And I just kept ordering smoothies,
because I could only remember one word in my fugue state:
wildberry.
I certainly did not ask him to the dance.
Judy, asking a man out is like buying a timeshare.
The less you think about it or discuss it with a lawyer,
the better. Watch this.
Hello, sir. Would you like to date me?
Me? Wow. I would be honored.
Thank you, but I'm not actually interested.
I was just showing young Judy here
how to proposition a man.
Ah, for a second, I thought, "Santiago,
your decades-long dry spell is over." But, no, it continues.
Isn't life funny? Bye.
-Got it, Judes? Just like that. -(giggles)
I got it.
Here I go, Alyson. Here I go.
Okay, here I go.
Ugh. Here... I... go.
Judy, your ride, aka me, is here.
Hey, how about we pop over to Smoothie Boss
and, uh, check out the hip after-work crowd?
God, this crowd is hip. I feel like I'm in Milan.
Welcome to Smoothie Boss. How may I boss you today?
Oh, FYI, we're out of wildberry powder.
You ate it all.
One tropical smoothie, medium chunky, please.
Hey, you're that guy in my history class
and my math class.
Yeah, and your biology class
and your gym class and your every other class.
There are 16 kids in our grade, and I'm one of them.
Ham. And you're Crispin.
-Oh. Sorry. -Thank you.
-Oh. No, I'm sorry. -Oh, no, no, no.
-Thank you. -Thank you. Thank you.
You're welcome. Sorry I haven't been, like, outgoing.
We moved here three weeks ago, but sometimes
I still miss Michigan.
This year's Miss Michigan is... Crispin Cienfuegos! (laughs)
Ugh. I can't imagine moving.
I'd have to move all my snowmen, but they'd melt.
And then who would protect our new house?
Wow. You get it.
No one's ever said that to me.
Hey. So, are you going to be at that dance
everyone's talking about?
Oh, he'll be there! With our cousin Becca.
And you know what I'm just thinking of right now,
is that you should go with me!
Oh, um, sure, I'll go with you,
and he'll go with cousin Becca, and we'll, like, go together.
Okay, great. Oh!
I guess I'll be seeing you in the conga line.
Not if you're in front of me. (laughs)
Oh, I'd turn around... to see you in the conga line.
♪ He said "yes"! ♪
-(knocking) -Hello!
Um, I was just stopping by because
you left this at Smoothie Boss.
Ah, my receipt?
Crispin, this is a pretty thin excuse to come see me.
Is... Ham here?
I'm here, and I'm Ham.
I brought Judy her receipt.
She left it at Smoothie Boss.
She's a real Forgetful Filomena.
Well, shall we give you the grand tour?
Oh. Okay. Sure.
Let me just lift this velvet rope.
Great object work, Ham!
And I'm making microwave popcorn for our tour.
Normally, I'd go stove-top, but our gas got turned off
because Father lost everything at the greyhound races,
and then-- Oh, ooh, oh, you left.
Here I come!
Look who couldn't stay away from Lone Moose.
Becca, say hello to your cousins.
Can I finish my page, Dad?
Wait a minute. Why are you wearing wedding pants?
These are just my work pants.
No offense, but you look like a lunatic.
I appreciate your snobby clothes, Uncle Brian.
In the world of business, a first impression is everything.
That's why, whenever I'm in someone's office,
I move one object. Now I'm in your head.
-You must be Honeybee. -Mucho gusto.
You know, Wolf and I run a few small ventures
from the guesthouse.
We thought you might be interested in learning more.
Wow, this sounds great, but, uh,
I haven't peed in four hours,
so come along and pitch me through the bathroom door.
You'll have to be loud. I have a strong stream.
Of course you do.
Ah, Chez Ham.
We call it that because it's my "chez."
Oh, good call sitting over there.
This beanbag is way less supportive.
But it's worth it to look this cool
sitting alone in a beanbag chair.
Those are just some leaves I've loved.
I love a lot of leaves.
This is so creative, and it kind of reminds me of home.
Lot of deciduous trees in Michigan?
You can't even imagine.
(whispering): Counterpoint: I can imagine
with this and this.
Let me just scoot right over here.
And... ah, perfect. Ah.
This leaf looks like the Grinch,
but he was actually a real sweetie.
You know who a real sweetie is? Abraham Lincoln.
Some people say he kept a jar of molasses under that tall hat.
You're weird. I like it.
-Thank you. -Thank you.
All right! Let's get down to hanging out.
I bought glow-in-the-dark bait, so our night fishing
is gonna be like a disco for the fish.
A goodbye disco, because of how we kill and eat them.
I actually have to catch up on a bunch of e-mails,
but get in here. You can press "send." That's the fun part.
-Swoosh! Another one. -Clicked like a pro, Beef.
Who's next? Why don't we drop Fred Futz a line?
Kerplunk. (laughs)
That was the line dropping. Well, technically, the lure.
The line herself wouldn't make any sound, as you know.
You know, selling these tubs is a lot like fishing.
It is? Are there long, thrilling bouts of waiting?
Indeed. I send out these e-mails with nothing
but the warm bubbly bliss of high-end hot tubs as my bait.
And then, I wait to see who bites.
-Ooh, where's my "send" friend? -Now we're fishing with gas!
It's something we would never actually do. It's a pollutant.
JUDY: Wowsh McGowsh.
Is Crispin waiting to walk me to class?
Moon, are my eyebrows even? With each other.
Not with my ears or with my lips.
Ooh. Are you sure you want to do this now?
Hey. Can I, uh, walk you to class?
Me as in me, or me as in Judy?
Yeah, your sister can come, too.
-Great. -Hey, Crispin.
Judy, we're walking to class.
-V-formation, like geese. -Okay.
Honk, honk. Here comes Judy!
♪ You, you make me feel alive ♪
♪ I'm happy just to let you know ♪
♪ What's inside, my heart is flying ♪
♪ I've been waiting for a chance to show you who I am ♪
♪ Now, baby, please ♪
♪ You're like a Sunday morning summer breeze. ♪
Well, hello, Shark.
If it isn't Lone Moose's most entrepre-dorable couple.
-You got more ideas for me? -We sure do.
Do you love eating food,
but hate cleaning said food off of your elegant pants?
-You know what you need? -A bib?
-Mm-mm. -A stupid and unhelpful paper towel?
-Mm-mm. -What do I need? Lay it on me.
We'll lay it on you. Literally.
You need one of these World-Famous Lapkins--
extra-large napkins for your adult-sized lap.
I guess I don't see the market?
But wait. We haven't explained
how Lapkins is also a social media platform.
I'd love to hear it.
Can we circle back after my client dinner?
Yeah, sometimes we circle back with each other just for fun.
Oh, man, he wants Lapkins.
This is just a dance.
Tonight is the night he goes from Crispin Cienfuegos
to I-Kissed-Him Cienfuegos.
♪
Time to wiggle.
♪
-Wow. -Whoa. -Um...
Are we supposed to be impressed?
Didn't get me, either.
Sorry, I forgot to get you a corsage.
But I have this paper crown from work in my pocket.
Uh, you can put it on your wrist if you want to.
Oh, wow. Yeah.
Ham, I also got you something.
(gasps) Shut up. Pinto beans?
When I saw them in my kitchen, it reminded me of the, uh,
um, the time we sat on the beanbag, together.
Because this is an actual bag of beans.
(exhales) Gosh-ola.
I also look back fondly on our beanbag hang.
Well, we should probably get going.
Hey, uh, hop-hop on, dude.
You got it, dude.
They left.
Oh. No worries, Crispin!
I'll just meet you at the dance.
-Becca, let's go! -Can I finish my page?
Welcome, everyone, to the most romantic night
of the year for children.
Ladies, you'll now step forward to invite your dates in.
Whatever. The simulation makes our decisions anyway.
Brad Chamberlain.
I will be
inviting inside...
It's too cold for these pauses. And I love drama.
...Crispin Cienfuegos.
I said: Crispin Cienfuegos!
-Whoa. Uhp. You got me. -I got you.
-JUDY: Ham! -Hey, Judy. What's up?
I'm trying to invite Crispin in, and you're ruining it!
-Now, this I like. -I said: Crispin Cienfuegos.
(laughs)
-Surprise. -Ah!
I've decided to come along and help you
-with your big client dinner. -(exhales)
That is so generous, but you don't need to.
No. I insist.
We'll hit him with the classic Tobin charm,
and the deal will be closed before we even get the menus.
Come on, let's get down to Tobiz-ness.
Prentis.
I hope you don't mind, I brought my brother Beef along.
Ah, pleased to meet you, Beef.
Prentis, so let's talk about your needs.
I know what I need. Mozzarella sticks.
(chuckles) I don't think they have that.
BEEF: Oh, look at these little butterballs.
Mmm. Oh, you got to try one. They're carved into seashells.
-Open up. -No! No.
(muffled): No...
BEFF: Do you trust me, Prentis?
Give me your finger.
That, my friend, is just a taste
of what you can expect from Brian's tubs.
-Please let my client's finger go. -Or I put my finger
in there, too, and now you're hot-tubbin' with a pal.
One time, I found a dead bear that I harvested for meat.
Beef, I-I'm not sure this is the best story.
-Prentis is a strict vegetarian. -Everyone loves this story.
So, when I cut open its stomach, I found...
-Hey, why not... -...not one but two bats inside,
which is crazy, because bears don't eat bats.
(laughs): It's like, what-what...
what are you doing in there, stupid bats?
H-Having a party?
Dumb bats. Wha...
(gulps) Bats.
Well, Brian, thank you
for this very enjoyable but, uh, confusing dinner.
I don't think I know enough about your hot tubs to make
any type of decision tonight, so let's touch base in a few weeks.
Ooh, well, that went well.
He said he was gonna touch your base.
Beef, "circle back" is good. "Touch base" is very bad.
I'm gonna put down a credit card. Go ahead and sign for me.
-I'll be in the car. -(moans)
I should've put another finger in the tiny hot tub.
-(dance music playing) -This is what it's all about, my freaks.
So...
-do you want to dance? -What?
Oh, yeah, definitely.
Uh, but first, I have to go to the bathroom.
I also have to go to the bathroom.
Desperately. But not in a gross way.
-Hey. -Oh, hey.
Your sister had a bathroom emergency.
So I was thinking, these dance floor moments are few.
Maybe we could dance together? So as not to waste them?
Yeah. I mean, we shouldn't waste them.
That's wasting.
Oh. Crispin's dancing.
So is Ham.
They're doing it at each other.
♪ ♪
Oh, but...
-But... -Oh! Judy, wait.
We were trying not to waste the dance floor moments.
Crispin was supposed to be my date.
And news flash, pinto beans are not a good gift!
I'm sorry, Crispin, just... I can't do this to my sister.
Goodbye, Ham Tobin.
I'll see you in every single class.
That deal was really important to me and you ruined it.
(sighs) I'm sorry. I thought I was helping.
I just feel like you've changed.
You'd rather e-mail than fish.
You're right, Beef. I've changed.
I love wearing wedding pants every day.
I love crushing conference calls.
This is who I am now.
But do you still like Lone Moose?
Of course. I love Lone Moose, because you're here.
And all our memories are here.
But the truth is, when I was out fishing
or pressure-washing boats that would later be fished in
or selling bulk pulverized sardines
to use as bait for fishing, I wasn't happy.
How is that possible?
Because being brothers doesn't mean we're the same person.
It just means we care about each other.
I do care. I'm gonna try to support your big-city life,
even though I also think it's terrible
and I miss you and will you please move back?
-Beef. -Sorry. I'll stop now.
I do enjoy your salon-bought haircut, though.
It gives you an air of authority,
like a flight attendant.
Well, then, please remain seated, Beef,
in the first-class cabin of my heart.
(crying) Stupid dance. Stupid people dancing.
Dumb love is a stupid lie.
Like the "free cone" coupons they won't honor at DQ.
"Ooh, they're expired, Judy."
Idiots!
I hate love.
-Hey, girl. -(gasps) Who said that?
I did, you sad, sad lady,
weeping up a storm on my special day.
Thomas Wintersbone? Is that you?
Girl, you know it's me.
Now, what in the hell is wrong, sad lady?
You're a 16-year-old girl at a school dance.
You should be in there working the room,
dropping it low, catching smooches.
Well, that's just it, Thomas. I'm Smoochless in Seattle.
I came here tonight to experience romance
with Crispin, from Smoothie Boss?
But then he met my brother Ham.
And they're doing everything I was supposed to do.
They flirted and laughed and even shared a home-run smooch.
(sighs) All I ever wanted was my own epic love story,
just like yours and Ruby's.
(shrieks) Epic love story?
Ruby Wrench and I were not in love.
We were friends brought together by a world
that made us both feel like outsiders.
You see, Ruby, she preferred
the company of her best friend Anne.
-JUDY: I don't understand. -THOMAS: How can I put this?
They were women who kissed upon the lips in the night, Judy.
-Oh, they were lesbians. -Okay, sure.
Is that what you call it nowadays?
And me, I was a lesbian for men.
Especially lumberjacks.
I was very lesbian for lumberjacks.
Um, Thomas, two boys is called "gay" now.
Too late, Judy, I'm dead. May I go on?
Ruby and I decided to wed to avoid persecution,
not for love.
And I promised to pay a lumberjack
to build us a second cabin, for...
-reasons. -Because your love couldn't
-be contained by just one cabin? -No, we were lesbians.
Focus up!
I died alone in the snow,
because I couldn't be my own fabulous self.
People didn't like the truth of my untimely demise,
so they made up a story they found more agreeable.
Does that sound familiar?
Maybe a little bit like what you've done
with yours and Crispin's epic love story?
What? Oh, maybe.
Love is a precious thing, ladybug.
Let Ham have his.
And don't waste yours on someone who can't even return it.
I think I know what I have to do.
And you always did.
Actually that's not true.
I really had to walk you right up to it.
This dance is a five-alarm fire of lies.
And, well, it's time to pull out the liar extinguisher.
(laughs) Ooh, I've got to write that down
-and use it for my memoirs. -(alarm ringing)
Please move away from the burning building
-before it explodes! -Everybody, there is no burning building!
I pulled the fire alarm, because we need a redo.
This dance was founded on a lie.
Thomas and Ruby weren't in love.
Their biggest dream was to live in two separate cabins.
Um, their love couldn't be contained by just one cabin.
Uh, no, they were gay! This isn't a love story.
It's a story about two people who couldn't be themselves.
It's a story about someone who died,
alone in the snow, trying to fit in.
If we really want to celebrate Thomas and Ruby,
tonight shouldn't be about rules or tradition
or staying outside in homage to Thomas.
He hated it outside.
This should be a night where everyone can have fun.
No matter who they are or who they like.
Yeah, and if you're a girl who wants to stay out here
and make snow demons under the impenetrable night sky,
that's allowed, too.
Uh, yeah, sure. And one more thing:
Crispin, I'm uninviting you in.
(gasps) Delicious.
There's someone else you really should've gone with
in the first place.
Ham, get up here.
I'd like to invite Crispin Cienfuegos in.
-Hi. -Hey.
To Brian.
But wait, how ever will we keep these beers cold
-in this hot steam? -Our Roadkill Koozies
are well-insulated, sustainable and fun.
-(yelps) -So, do we have a deal?
Do I love the koozie business as an investor? No.
But scary and full of whimsy? Give me three.
Great. Honeybee, start the car.
We need to get two more by midnight.
(dance music playing)
I think you're very beautiful,
Judy Tobin.
Inside and out. Dance with me?
Thanks, Gill. Let's do it.
♪ ♪
♪ Perfect seashell butterballs ♪
♪ Don't just stand there by the wall ♪
♪ Perfect seashell butterballs ♪
♪ Let's get naughty-cal ♪
-♪ Come on! ♪ -♪ Fun and creamy, round and rich ♪
♪ From the ocean to your lips ♪
♪ From the shores of Waikiki ♪
♪ To the bowl in front of me ♪
♪ Clinging to the hulls of ships ♪
♪ Everybody shake your hips ♪
♪ Perfect seashell butterballs ♪
♪ Don't be a flower on the wall ♪
♪ Perfect seashell butterballs ♪
♪ Let's get naughty-cal ♪
♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪
♪ Now you're eating butter with a pal. ♪
Captioning sponsored by BENTO BOX ENTERTAINMENT
and TOYOTA.