1
00:00:01,485 --> 00:00:04,670
-♪ Look up there ♪
-♪ What do you see? ♪
2
00:00:04,897 --> 00:00:06,079
♪ Nature and stuff ♪
3
00:00:06,232 --> 00:00:07,581
-♪ Like a rock ♪
-♪ And a tree ♪
4
00:00:07,733 --> 00:00:10,175
♪ Oh, the Great North ♪
5
00:00:10,402 --> 00:00:13,828
♪ Way up here,
you can breathe the air ♪
6
00:00:13,997 --> 00:00:15,014
♪ Catch some fish ♪
7
00:00:15,165 --> 00:00:16,682
♪ Or gaze at a bear ♪
8
00:00:16,833 --> 00:00:17,908
♪ Wow ♪
9
00:00:18,001 --> 00:00:21,245
♪ Oh, the Great North ♪
10
00:00:21,338 --> 00:00:22,837
♪ Here we live, oh, oh ♪
11
00:00:22,857 --> 00:00:24,248
♪ Here we'll stay, oh, whoo ♪
12
00:00:24,341 --> 00:00:26,266
♪ From longest night
to longest day ♪
13
00:00:26,418 --> 00:00:29,737
♪ In the Great North. ♪
14
00:00:32,015 --> 00:00:33,532
(cheering)
15
00:00:34,276 --> 00:00:36,976
HAM:
Crispin, I have to ask you
an important question.
16
00:00:37,038 --> 00:00:38,929
Okay...
17
00:00:38,947 --> 00:00:40,781
How were my homemade
lemon lime bars?
18
00:00:40,875 --> 00:00:42,524
Is there enough zest? Oh, God.
19
00:00:42,543 --> 00:00:44,768
Is there too much zest?
Crispin, answer me!
20
00:00:44,787 --> 00:00:47,546
They're perfectly zested,
my Silly Wonka. Now, shh.
21
00:00:47,697 --> 00:00:50,031
We got to watch the last scene.
It's my favorite.
22
00:00:50,125 --> 00:00:52,367
Last lap, Danny.
Time to win this thing
23
00:00:52,444 --> 00:00:54,536
and then kiss some women.
24
00:00:54,630 --> 00:00:57,389
This one's for you,
Businessman Greg.
25
00:01:00,377 --> 00:01:03,211
Ladies and gentlemen,
I can't keep living a lie.
26
00:01:03,230 --> 00:01:06,548
Businessman Greg isn't just
someone I know from business.
27
00:01:06,567 --> 00:01:08,975
He's also my boyfriend.
28
00:01:09,052 --> 00:01:12,887
I'm Danny Vroom, and I am gay...
in the fast lane.
29
00:01:12,907 --> 00:01:15,574
What? Danny Vroom is gay?
30
00:01:15,801 --> 00:01:17,826
(tires squealing)
31
00:01:19,080 --> 00:01:20,821
BOB MUFFLER: The rest of us
came out here to play.
32
00:01:20,915 --> 00:01:23,749
Danny Vroom came out here
as gay.
33
00:01:23,900 --> 00:01:25,584
It's like they always say:
34
00:01:25,661 --> 00:01:27,811
The truth will set you fast.
35
00:01:27,830 --> 00:01:31,090
Danny Vroom,
will you be my groom?
36
00:01:31,317 --> 00:01:33,150
Of course, Businessman Greg.
37
00:01:33,168 --> 00:01:34,909
A thousand times yes.
38
00:01:34,929 --> 00:01:36,820
♪ Gay in the fast lane ♪
39
00:01:36,913 --> 00:01:38,655
♪ Vroom, Vroom. ♪
40
00:01:38,748 --> 00:01:40,340
So, what did you think?
41
00:01:40,492 --> 00:01:42,768
-Oh, um, it was okay.
-Just okay?
42
00:01:42,919 --> 00:01:45,920
I guess I just felt like the
coming-out part was a bit much.
43
00:01:45,940 --> 00:01:47,998
It's always so dramatic
in movies,
44
00:01:48,016 --> 00:01:49,666
but it's never like that
in real life.
45
00:01:49,685 --> 00:01:51,610
In real life,
you just tell your family,
46
00:01:51,761 --> 00:01:52,945
and they're like,
"That's great. Love you."
47
00:01:53,096 --> 00:01:55,021
And then you go back
to removing the elderly bear
48
00:01:55,116 --> 00:01:56,615
that dropped dead
on your property or whatever.
49
00:01:56,692 --> 00:01:59,601
Hmm. I mean, my coming-out
didn't cause a car crash,
50
00:01:59,620 --> 00:02:01,027
but my mom and dad did
51
00:02:01,180 --> 00:02:02,979
set off a bunch of
illegal fireworks in support.
52
00:02:02,981 --> 00:02:04,848
-What's going on?
-Our son is gay.
53
00:02:04,941 --> 00:02:06,016
And after a brief time
54
00:02:06,185 --> 00:02:07,684
processing our feelings
about it,
55
00:02:07,777 --> 00:02:09,444
we've chosen to celebrate him
with fireworks.
56
00:02:09,463 --> 00:02:12,189
-CRISPIN: And they burned down
our mailbox...
-(yelling)
57
00:02:12,282 --> 00:02:14,024
...and we were fined
thousands of dollars.
58
00:02:14,042 --> 00:02:15,859
So, overall, it was pretty wild.
59
00:02:16,028 --> 00:02:17,636
Wow. That sounds intense.
60
00:02:17,863 --> 00:02:19,120
Well, coming out is intense.
61
00:02:19,140 --> 00:02:20,806
I'm sure the first time
you told your family,
62
00:02:21,033 --> 00:02:22,290
it was pretty dramatic, right?
63
00:02:22,309 --> 00:02:24,626
I'm not sure I can remember
the first time, per se.
64
00:02:24,645 --> 00:02:26,961
(gasps) Oh, wait. I know,
I said it when we were driving
65
00:02:26,981 --> 00:02:28,480
to Mayor Peppers' wig party.
66
00:02:28,707 --> 00:02:31,057
Oh, um, hey, guys. I'm gay.
67
00:02:31,152 --> 00:02:33,727
We know, son. And we love you
just the way you are.
68
00:02:33,879 --> 00:02:36,880
Or maybe it was when we went
to see Judy's improv group.
69
00:02:36,882 --> 00:02:39,992
I would love a suggestion
of a common phrase.
70
00:02:40,219 --> 00:02:41,218
I am gay.
71
00:02:41,311 --> 00:02:43,387
All right, I heard, "I am gay."
Thank you.
72
00:02:43,405 --> 00:02:46,239
We know, bud. And we love you
just the way you are.
73
00:02:46,392 --> 00:02:47,908
Or I guess it could've been on
74
00:02:48,060 --> 00:02:49,726
that white-water rafting trip
we took.
75
00:02:49,745 --> 00:02:52,337
-Hey. I am gay.
-We know, Ham.
76
00:02:52,414 --> 00:02:55,490
-And we love you
just the way you are...!
-Whee!
77
00:02:55,509 --> 00:02:57,567
Huh, have you ever thought
that maybe
78
00:02:57,586 --> 00:02:59,494
you keep coming out because
you're searching for, like,
79
00:02:59,513 --> 00:03:01,663
a big, dramatic reaction
that you never got?
80
00:03:01,831 --> 00:03:03,998
(scoffs) I didn't want drama.
81
00:03:04,018 --> 00:03:06,243
I guess I just kept coming out
because I wanted
82
00:03:06,261 --> 00:03:08,670
one single, perfect moment.
83
00:03:08,689 --> 00:03:11,932
♪ When everyone came
to a standstill ♪
84
00:03:12,008 --> 00:03:15,527
♪ Even the bird
on the windowsill ♪
85
00:03:15,679 --> 00:03:18,697
♪ And gazed at me
through tears ♪
86
00:03:18,848 --> 00:03:22,367
♪ Caused by loving emotions
but also petty fears ♪
87
00:03:22,594 --> 00:03:27,431
♪ And then I loudly told them
that, hey, I am gay ♪
88
00:03:27,449 --> 00:03:31,451
♪ And have been all my years. ♪
89
00:03:31,545 --> 00:03:34,104
-Ham, that's drama.
-(gasps) Oh, my God.
90
00:03:34,197 --> 00:03:36,456
I guess I have been craving
a big reaction.
91
00:03:36,608 --> 00:03:37,941
Well, it's not too late.
92
00:03:37,960 --> 00:03:39,776
All we have to do is find
someone who doesn't know yet
93
00:03:39,869 --> 00:03:41,127
and then tell them dramatically.
94
00:03:41,222 --> 00:03:42,796
We're gonna get you
the over-the-top,
95
00:03:42,890 --> 00:03:45,373
lightly upsetting coming-out
that you deserve. I promise.
96
00:03:45,467 --> 00:03:47,726
Crispin, you're the wind
beneath my things.
97
00:03:47,877 --> 00:03:50,637
-It's "wings."
-Yeah, that was
one of the things.
98
00:03:50,731 --> 00:03:53,123
A.J. DOSSIER:
The Room Service Reaper
was in police custody,
99
00:03:53,141 --> 00:03:55,567
but for John Thimbleman,
it was too late.
100
00:03:55,719 --> 00:03:58,128
His entrails were strewn
all about the hotel room,
101
00:03:58,146 --> 00:04:00,130
and his head was in
the ice bucket.
102
00:04:00,299 --> 00:04:01,465
That was amazing.
103
00:04:01,558 --> 00:04:03,075
How long have we been
sitting out here?
104
00:04:03,302 --> 00:04:05,727
Four hours. I went from
having to pee really badly
105
00:04:05,821 --> 00:04:07,079
to not having to pee at all.
106
00:04:07,230 --> 00:04:09,248
I guess my body just
reabsorbed the pee.
107
00:04:09,399 --> 00:04:10,974
I can't believe A.J. Dossier
108
00:04:11,067 --> 00:04:12,417
didn't know anything
about podcasting
109
00:04:12,644 --> 00:04:14,327
and then solved
the Room Service Reaper case.
110
00:04:14,480 --> 00:04:15,754
It's almost like
we could do that.
111
00:04:15,981 --> 00:04:17,647
Great idea, my audio angel.
112
00:04:17,741 --> 00:04:19,833
We already have
a video production company.
113
00:04:19,927 --> 00:04:21,260
We'll just add a podcast arm.
114
00:04:21,411 --> 00:04:24,746
How hard can it be to track down
an Alaskan serial killer
115
00:04:24,840 --> 00:04:26,372
that's eluded the police
for decades?
116
00:04:26,508 --> 00:04:29,009
Yeah. And I think the sponsors
send you free products.
117
00:04:29,161 --> 00:04:31,436
I'd love to get my hands
on a pair of those clogs
118
00:04:31,588 --> 00:04:33,346
that are just for jogging--
Cl'jogs.
119
00:04:33,440 --> 00:04:35,665
Apparently,
the sound is deafening.
120
00:04:35,684 --> 00:04:38,668
I can't believe it's already
sock-darning season again.
121
00:04:38,670 --> 00:04:40,670
What does everyone else
have planned for the weekend?
122
00:04:40,764 --> 00:04:43,340
We'll be hard at work
adding a podcast arm
123
00:04:43,433 --> 00:04:45,617
to our video production company,
Pause For Applause.
124
00:04:45,769 --> 00:04:48,269
Oh, I just listened to one about
co-parenting adult children
125
00:04:48,363 --> 00:04:49,937
with Rhea Perlman
and Danny DeVito.
126
00:04:50,032 --> 00:04:52,106
No offense, Judy,
but I would rather die
127
00:04:52,200 --> 00:04:53,775
-than listen to that.
-He said it.
128
00:04:53,794 --> 00:04:55,961
But, yeah, we're focusing
on the true-crime genre.
129
00:04:56,188 --> 00:04:59,113
All that stands between us and
a big podcast hit is selecting
130
00:04:59,133 --> 00:05:01,616
which of Alaska's horrific
unsolved crimes to cover.
131
00:05:01,635 --> 00:05:03,802
It's gonna be dangerous
and dangerously profitable.
132
00:05:03,953 --> 00:05:06,471
Crispin and I are gonna be
pretty busy as well.
133
00:05:06,698 --> 00:05:08,715
He's gonna help me
redo my coming-out.
134
00:05:08,867 --> 00:05:10,976
Uh-oh.
Did we do something wrong?
135
00:05:11,127 --> 00:05:13,053
No. You guys did
everything right.
136
00:05:13,205 --> 00:05:15,147
You didn't make
a big deal out of it.
137
00:05:15,298 --> 00:05:16,873
Yeah, you did it too right.
138
00:05:16,966 --> 00:05:18,558
So he's looking
for just that little bit
139
00:05:18,652 --> 00:05:20,060
of drama that he missed out on.
140
00:05:20,154 --> 00:05:22,562
I get that. As one of Alaska's
preeminent allies,
141
00:05:22,714 --> 00:05:24,156
I take extra responsibility.
142
00:05:24,383 --> 00:05:26,641
How can we help?
What, specifically, do you want
143
00:05:26,660 --> 00:05:28,327
from your ideal redo coming-out?
144
00:05:28,478 --> 00:05:31,163
Hmm. For starters, I guess
I'd like a classic, sharp gasp.
145
00:05:31,314 --> 00:05:33,815
Oh, um, I'd also love
to encounter someone
146
00:05:33,983 --> 00:05:35,316
who simply can't believe it.
147
00:05:35,336 --> 00:05:38,503
Um, a shattered fragile item
interests me. Uh...
148
00:05:38,730 --> 00:05:41,322
Ooh, and I've never had to
immediately respond
149
00:05:41,342 --> 00:05:43,342
to an offensive question like,
"But who's the woman?"
150
00:05:43,527 --> 00:05:45,326
So that could be fun,
but I'm flexible.
151
00:05:45,420 --> 00:05:47,587
I mean, no one person
could check all those boxes.
152
00:05:47,681 --> 00:05:49,255
Actually, Ham, they just might.
153
00:05:49,408 --> 00:05:51,241
And you may not have to look
outside of our family.
154
00:05:51,334 --> 00:05:53,927
You happen to be related
to one of the most uptight
155
00:05:54,079 --> 00:05:55,912
and judgmental people on Earth:
156
00:05:55,931 --> 00:05:58,172
Cousin Danica.
She's uniquely awful.
157
00:05:58,266 --> 00:06:00,192
As a family,
we took a trip to the zoo,
158
00:06:00,343 --> 00:06:03,695
and she kept whispering "whore"
at any animal with kids.
159
00:06:03,847 --> 00:06:07,348
Wow, Ham. Oh, sounds like she's
gonna hate that you're gay.
160
00:06:07,368 --> 00:06:09,259
-Exciting.
-(chuckling): Oh, yes.
161
00:06:09,352 --> 00:06:11,352
She's always hated
everything about me.
162
00:06:11,430 --> 00:06:12,854
I mean, sure, marrying your mom
163
00:06:13,022 --> 00:06:14,447
wasn't the smartest thing
I ever did,
164
00:06:14,600 --> 00:06:17,024
but when Danica sent back
Moon's baby announcement
165
00:06:17,119 --> 00:06:19,285
with "please make it stop"
written on the back,
166
00:06:19,438 --> 00:06:20,712
I cut off contact for good.
167
00:06:20,864 --> 00:06:23,882
Yet here I am, all these years
later, still going.
168
00:06:24,033 --> 00:06:25,959
What do you say we pay her
a visit tomorrow?
169
00:06:26,111 --> 00:06:27,535
She's all the way down
in Orca Bay,
170
00:06:27,629 --> 00:06:29,170
so we'll want to leave
bright and early.
171
00:06:29,281 --> 00:06:31,631
Oh, Dad, I'd love to,
but I kind of got
172
00:06:31,783 --> 00:06:34,208
a lot on my plate with
this whole re-coming-out thing.
173
00:06:34,228 --> 00:06:35,894
She's the one you're gonna
come out to, sweetie.
174
00:06:36,121 --> 00:06:38,121
Oh, yeah.
That makes way more sense.
175
00:06:38,140 --> 00:06:39,731
I was like, "Random."
176
00:06:42,569 --> 00:06:45,112
All right, every
true-crime podcast is only
177
00:06:45,297 --> 00:06:46,479
as good as the creep
it investigates,
178
00:06:46,573 --> 00:06:48,740
so we got to pick
the perfect criminal.
179
00:06:48,892 --> 00:06:50,558
Ooh. How about
the Moose Mixologist?
180
00:06:50,636 --> 00:06:53,303
This guy used to feed
high-proof cocktails to moose,
181
00:06:53,363 --> 00:06:54,487
then unleash them on the people
182
00:06:54,581 --> 00:06:56,156
of Downtown Fairbanks--
to trample them.
183
00:06:56,308 --> 00:06:58,975
Wolf, you know stampedes
are one of my biggest fears.
184
00:06:58,994 --> 00:07:01,068
How did Jumanji
get that PG-13 rating?
185
00:07:01,088 --> 00:07:02,904
Thousands of elephants
smashing explorers
186
00:07:02,998 --> 00:07:05,331
into human jelly with their
enormous feet? No, thank you.
187
00:07:05,426 --> 00:07:07,074
I'm sorry to have even
mentioned it,
188
00:07:07,094 --> 00:07:09,577
my hippo-phobic hottie,
and I will also gently offer
189
00:07:09,596 --> 00:07:12,172
that you may have misremembered
some of Jumanji.
190
00:07:12,324 --> 00:07:15,082
Okay, how about
a down-the-middle serial killer?
191
00:07:15,177 --> 00:07:16,768
The Orca Bay Slicer.
192
00:07:16,845 --> 00:07:18,252
This killer, most likely a lady,
193
00:07:18,346 --> 00:07:20,330
just lived to kill
rich guys in their cars.
194
00:07:20,423 --> 00:07:22,590
Oh, wow. Says here
that after she killed them
195
00:07:22,609 --> 00:07:23,942
she would chop off their wieners
and leave
196
00:07:24,093 --> 00:07:26,260
a hot dog in their laps
as a calling card.
197
00:07:26,280 --> 00:07:27,671
Okay, girl, I'm listening.
198
00:07:27,689 --> 00:07:30,431
Yeah. Profilers, quote,
"believe that the hot dogs
199
00:07:30,509 --> 00:07:32,284
"either represented
the men's penises
200
00:07:32,360 --> 00:07:35,436
or that the Orca Bay Slicer
just simply loved hot dogs."
201
00:07:35,456 --> 00:07:37,847
A patriarchy-hating
hot dog enthusiast?
202
00:07:38,016 --> 00:07:39,683
Girl, we could've been
best friends,
203
00:07:39,701 --> 00:07:41,868
but then you went and did
all those murders.
204
00:07:41,962 --> 00:07:43,444
So, instead of eating
hot dogs with you
205
00:07:43,538 --> 00:07:45,021
and discussing
the right way to do
206
00:07:45,114 --> 00:07:46,798
a Mystic Pizza
musical adaptation,
207
00:07:46,950 --> 00:07:48,191
I got to investigate you.
208
00:07:48,210 --> 00:07:50,527
And since she was last active
in Orca Bay,
209
00:07:50,620 --> 00:07:52,378
we can drive down
to Cousin Danica's separately
210
00:07:52,473 --> 00:07:56,475
and stop for hot dogs--
I mean clues-- along the way.
211
00:07:56,626 --> 00:07:58,718
BEEF:
Okay, we're getting close,
so remember:
212
00:07:58,870 --> 00:08:02,647
we get in, Ham says he's gay,
she judges Ham, then we get out.
213
00:08:02,799 --> 00:08:05,150
We're looking for a gasp,
some shocking remarks,
214
00:08:05,301 --> 00:08:08,061
and I would really love it
if her shoes flew off.
215
00:08:08,230 --> 00:08:09,896
Improbable, maybe,
but I would still love it.
216
00:08:10,048 --> 00:08:12,640
It would be wonderful if she
jumped through a closed window,
217
00:08:12,659 --> 00:08:14,067
leaving her exact silhouette.
218
00:08:14,161 --> 00:08:16,402
She might even rip off
her brooch and throw it at you.
219
00:08:16,555 --> 00:08:18,479
(gasps) Imagine if it lodged
in your cheek.
220
00:08:18,499 --> 00:08:19,498
(gasps) A dream.
221
00:08:19,666 --> 00:08:21,224
I'm glad you guys are excited,
but, Ham,
222
00:08:21,226 --> 00:08:22,392
if the judgment is too harsh,
223
00:08:22,485 --> 00:08:23,835
we can get the hell
out of there.
224
00:08:23,987 --> 00:08:25,061
You just say the word.
225
00:08:25,080 --> 00:08:26,913
Okay, but instead
of saying the word,
226
00:08:27,065 --> 00:08:29,174
can I say a fun phrase like,
"Where's my soup?"
227
00:08:29,325 --> 00:08:32,677
or "Get these ants off of me!"
228
00:08:32,829 --> 00:08:35,162
Okay, update: If Ham says,
"Where's my soup?"
229
00:08:35,182 --> 00:08:39,267
or "Get these ants off of me,"
we all head for the door.
230
00:08:40,003 --> 00:08:41,686
Danica, you nincompoop.
231
00:08:41,838 --> 00:08:44,247
I could've sworn
I put this away.
232
00:08:44,340 --> 00:08:46,099
So, Beef and family.
233
00:08:46,193 --> 00:08:49,085
Wow, you all look
much better in pictures.
234
00:08:49,104 --> 00:08:52,197
Thank you for allowing us
to stop by on such short notice.
235
00:08:52,348 --> 00:08:55,516
I told the children they simply
must meet my favorite cousin.
236
00:08:55,536 --> 00:08:58,278
Well, the feeling is not mutual,
but come on in.
237
00:08:58,430 --> 00:09:00,930
I've placed blankets
on the couches you can sit on.
238
00:09:01,024 --> 00:09:02,115
I assume you don't wipe well.
239
00:09:02,191 --> 00:09:06,286
Wow, Danica,
your house is very brown.
240
00:09:06,438 --> 00:09:08,046
Yes, brown's my favorite color.
241
00:09:08,273 --> 00:09:10,865
All the other colors are
so desperate for attention.
242
00:09:10,959 --> 00:09:12,592
"Ooh, I'm pink. Look at me."
243
00:09:12,702 --> 00:09:14,944
Now, I'm cooking a roast,
and until it's ready,
244
00:09:14,963 --> 00:09:16,780
I thought we might
just sit here.
245
00:09:16,873 --> 00:09:18,448
Judy, are those leggings
something
246
00:09:18,541 --> 00:09:20,283
you must wear
for a medical reason,
247
00:09:20,376 --> 00:09:23,469
-or are you just
a big old floozy?
-A floozy?
248
00:09:23,546 --> 00:09:26,623
Yes, a loose lady,
a good-time gal, a harlot?
249
00:09:26,641 --> 00:09:28,066
In short, a total sleazebag?
250
00:09:28,217 --> 00:09:30,402
(chuckling):
Wow, I've never
been so insulted.
251
00:09:30,629 --> 00:09:31,978
This is kind of fun.
252
00:09:32,130 --> 00:09:33,179
So, how's school?
253
00:09:33,240 --> 00:09:35,315
-Are any of you reading yet?
-Nope.
254
00:09:35,467 --> 00:09:36,908
(gasps)
Keep your hands off
255
00:09:37,060 --> 00:09:38,651
my ceramic rabbit collection.
256
00:09:38,745 --> 00:09:39,986
But there's just one.
257
00:09:40,080 --> 00:09:42,581
There's also just one
Lincoln Memorial.
258
00:09:42,732 --> 00:09:44,140
Seems a little different
259
00:09:44,142 --> 00:09:46,326
and also not a collection,
but okay.
260
00:09:46,478 --> 00:09:49,254
Ham, I simply must ask you,
what's with the long hair?
261
00:09:49,497 --> 00:09:51,238
Are you gonna sell it
to buy drugs?
262
00:09:51,258 --> 00:09:53,666
WOLF:
On our way to do
real-life field work.
263
00:09:53,819 --> 00:09:56,410
The Orca Bay Slicer is not
gonna know what hit her.
264
00:09:56,430 --> 00:09:58,004
We're like Starsky and Hutch.
265
00:09:58,098 --> 00:10:00,247
Or SVU's Mariska Hargitay and...
266
00:10:00,267 --> 00:10:02,934
the guy with the long neck who
helps SVU's Mariska Hargitay.
267
00:10:03,161 --> 00:10:04,769
Christopher Meloni.
God, I admire that gorgeous,
268
00:10:04,996 --> 00:10:06,329
crime-fighting giraffe.
269
00:10:06,348 --> 00:10:08,348
Anyway, should we go over
what we know so far?
270
00:10:08,500 --> 00:10:09,515
Oh, yeah, we should record it,
271
00:10:09,668 --> 00:10:11,167
and we can use it
on our first episode.
272
00:10:11,260 --> 00:10:13,445
(hushed):
The Orca Bay Slicer was like
273
00:10:13,596 --> 00:10:16,339
a lot of serial killers
except for one thing:
274
00:10:16,358 --> 00:10:18,599
her signature crotch hot dog.
275
00:10:18,619 --> 00:10:20,285
Why are you talking
in that weird voice?
276
00:10:20,436 --> 00:10:21,786
(regular voice):
It's my podcaster voice.
277
00:10:22,013 --> 00:10:23,788
Ooh, I want to try
a podcaster voice. Okay.
278
00:10:23,940 --> 00:10:25,123
(with accent):
The Orca Bay Slicer is
279
00:10:25,274 --> 00:10:27,867
one of Alaska's only
female serial killers.
280
00:10:27,961 --> 00:10:29,686
(chuckling):
Oh, Australian. I love it.
281
00:10:29,779 --> 00:10:32,464
You can throw your voice
on my barbie anytime.
282
00:10:32,691 --> 00:10:34,615
(regular accent):
Wolf, that was a British accent.
283
00:10:34,709 --> 00:10:35,967
Oh, uh, then I meant:
284
00:10:36,119 --> 00:10:38,136
You can throw your voice
on my parliament anytime.
285
00:10:38,363 --> 00:10:39,696
There you go, babe.
286
00:10:40,456 --> 00:10:44,309
I can't tell you how much
I enjoy sitting in silence.
287
00:10:44,460 --> 00:10:46,460
-(sighs)
-(Ham clears throat)
288
00:10:46,538 --> 00:10:49,314
-Cousin Danica...
-Okay, I guess we're
talking again.
289
00:10:49,465 --> 00:10:50,631
Go on, son.
290
00:10:50,725 --> 00:10:53,134
There's something I need
to tell you, as family.
291
00:10:53,153 --> 00:10:55,244
It's a secret that's been
weighing on me
292
00:10:55,246 --> 00:10:57,380
ever since I met you
an hour ago.
293
00:10:57,399 --> 00:10:59,658
It's just that, Cousin Danica,
294
00:10:59,826 --> 00:11:01,809
you should know that I am...
295
00:11:01,828 --> 00:11:04,220
OFFICER:
Danica Tobin, come out
with your hands up.
296
00:11:04,239 --> 00:11:06,072
-Oh, no.
-(clears throat) ...gay.
297
00:11:06,166 --> 00:11:09,000
Well, I guess I ought
to tell you all the truth
298
00:11:09,152 --> 00:11:10,669
about who I really am.
299
00:11:10,820 --> 00:11:12,061
Actually,
that's what I was doing.
300
00:11:12,080 --> 00:11:13,246
If you could just wait a second
301
00:11:13,340 --> 00:11:14,839
while I tell you
who I really am.
302
00:11:14,991 --> 00:11:16,991
That's the reason
why we're here.
303
00:11:17,085 --> 00:11:20,236
I am wanted by the police
for crimes.
304
00:11:20,255 --> 00:11:22,238
-(all gasp)
-I simply can't believe it.
305
00:11:22,257 --> 00:11:24,516
-I'm shocked.
-Did my shoes pop off?
306
00:11:24,667 --> 00:11:26,685
Thank you for sharing
your truth with us, Danica.
307
00:11:26,836 --> 00:11:28,561
That was very brave.
308
00:11:32,192 --> 00:11:34,142
So, here's what
I think we should do.
309
00:11:34,194 --> 00:11:35,768
I'll open the door
to talk to the policewoman,
310
00:11:35,921 --> 00:11:37,587
and you guys tell her
that you got here last night.
311
00:11:37,605 --> 00:11:38,922
You know, like an alibi.
312
00:11:39,015 --> 00:11:40,014
Oh, and if they ask you why
313
00:11:40,108 --> 00:11:41,424
you didn't bring
any luggage with you,
314
00:11:41,517 --> 00:11:43,350
you'll just say,
"Because we're disgusting.
315
00:11:43,445 --> 00:11:45,945
We wear the same underwear
all the time, every day." Okay?
316
00:11:46,039 --> 00:11:48,431
As much as we would love to lie
to the authorities
317
00:11:48,600 --> 00:11:50,875
on your behalf,
I don't think we will.
318
00:11:51,102 --> 00:11:52,877
It's probably time
for us to get going.
319
00:11:52,954 --> 00:11:54,787
-(Ham gasps)
-I hate to do this, Beef,
320
00:11:54,940 --> 00:11:56,030
but you're not going anywhere.
321
00:11:56,049 --> 00:11:57,865
Except to the cellar,
as my hostages.
322
00:11:57,959 --> 00:11:59,884
At first, I was like,
"Her vibe is off,"
323
00:12:00,111 --> 00:12:02,445
but now I'm like,
"Her vibe is way off."
324
00:12:02,464 --> 00:12:04,948
WOLF:
If we want to solve
the Orca Bay Slicer case,
325
00:12:04,966 --> 00:12:06,924
we need to think inside the bun,
326
00:12:07,060 --> 00:12:08,785
by eating some hot dogs
she might have eaten.
327
00:12:08,954 --> 00:12:11,396
Or tossed in her victims'
crotches as a calling card.
328
00:12:11,623 --> 00:12:15,233
Oh, yeah. Our perp definitely
spent some time here.
329
00:12:15,310 --> 00:12:16,901
This place is creep city.
330
00:12:17,053 --> 00:12:18,978
I'll grab us a table
while you go order us
331
00:12:19,130 --> 00:12:20,721
some research hot dogs--
for research.
332
00:12:20,741 --> 00:12:22,815
(with accent):
As I sat in my booth
at The Sausage Lynx,
333
00:12:22,968 --> 00:12:25,577
I couldn't help but wonder, did
the Orca Bay Slicer sit here?
334
00:12:25,804 --> 00:12:28,229
And if so, did she order
the Greek Goddess Dog
335
00:12:28,306 --> 00:12:30,248
with kalamata olives
and feta cheese?
336
00:12:30,399 --> 00:12:32,642
(regular accent):
Wolf, make sure to get
the Greek Goddess Dog.
337
00:12:32,660 --> 00:12:34,644
-I got to know if it's good.
-Ten-four. Hello.
338
00:12:34,662 --> 00:12:36,813
Could we please have
two Greek Goddess Dogs
339
00:12:36,831 --> 00:12:38,331
and four
Hot Dog the Yummy Hunters?
340
00:12:38,425 --> 00:12:39,832
That'll be $28.64.
341
00:12:39,985 --> 00:12:43,336
So, uh, we're here investigating
the Orca Bay Slicer case.
342
00:12:43,430 --> 00:12:45,579
You ever sell a hot dog
to a murderer?
343
00:12:45,673 --> 00:12:46,765
I don't know. Maybe.
344
00:12:46,992 --> 00:12:48,174
Was it a woman?
And was she clutching
345
00:12:48,326 --> 00:12:49,583
a gigantic kitchen knife
and saying,
346
00:12:49,603 --> 00:12:51,252
"He's gonna get it"?
Anything like that?
347
00:12:51,271 --> 00:12:53,605
No, but we had someone abuse
the mustard station once.
348
00:12:53,832 --> 00:12:55,923
That's why we keep the packets
behind the counter now.
349
00:12:55,942 --> 00:12:57,925
Are you, by any chance,
the Orca Bay Slicer?
350
00:12:57,944 --> 00:12:59,760
-No.
-Worth a shot.
351
00:12:59,854 --> 00:13:01,595
Oh, are you related
to Danica Tobin?
352
00:13:01,615 --> 00:13:04,765
Now, don't touch anything
or move anything around.
353
00:13:04,859 --> 00:13:06,676
You can look at the TV,
but don't change the channel.
354
00:13:06,694 --> 00:13:08,678
Or you can look at
the adult coloring books,
355
00:13:08,847 --> 00:13:10,029
but don't color in them.
356
00:13:10,106 --> 00:13:11,848
Place your phones
in this Longaberger basket,
357
00:13:11,866 --> 00:13:13,124
and I'll be on my way.
358
00:13:13,276 --> 00:13:15,126
(grunts) Gently.
Don't hurt the basket.
359
00:13:15,278 --> 00:13:17,036
Please, Danica, just let us go.
360
00:13:17,130 --> 00:13:18,855
Well, you could've
given me an alibi,
361
00:13:18,857 --> 00:13:20,206
so this is all your own fault.
362
00:13:20,300 --> 00:13:21,966
And those pillow covers are new.
363
00:13:22,193 --> 00:13:25,862
Do not unzip and pee in them
like I'm sure you do at home.
364
00:13:25,955 --> 00:13:27,213
I'm sorry you didn't get
to come out
365
00:13:27,365 --> 00:13:28,289
to your murderer cousin, Ham.
366
00:13:28,383 --> 00:13:29,882
First, I didn't get to come out,
367
00:13:30,035 --> 00:13:32,293
and now we're probably
gonna die in this basement.
368
00:13:32,312 --> 00:13:33,978
What else could happen? Ugh.
369
00:13:34,205 --> 00:13:37,464
All of Peaceful Outdoor Bathtubs
is already colored in?
370
00:13:37,559 --> 00:13:39,984
WOLF:
Well, Sherlock Hold-up-a-minute.
371
00:13:40,136 --> 00:13:42,469
Not only am I related
to Danica Tobin
372
00:13:42,638 --> 00:13:45,064
but we're going to visit her
right after this.
373
00:13:45,200 --> 00:13:47,050
Honeybee,
this lady knows Cousin Danica.
374
00:13:47,068 --> 00:13:48,309
(chuckles)
What are the chances?
375
00:13:48,328 --> 00:13:50,144
Yeah, what are the chances?
376
00:13:50,163 --> 00:13:51,979
How do you know her?
Is she a hot dog freak?
377
00:13:52,057 --> 00:13:53,981
She used to work here,
but then she started
378
00:13:54,000 --> 00:13:55,074
really annoying the manager,
Bradley.
379
00:13:55,168 --> 00:13:56,650
She also used to picket
the restaurant
380
00:13:56,728 --> 00:13:58,169
during her lunch breaks
'cause she thought
381
00:13:58,396 --> 00:13:59,745
the hot dogs looked
too much like penises.
382
00:13:59,840 --> 00:14:02,990
Anyway, he fired her,
and she did not take it well.
383
00:14:03,009 --> 00:14:05,251
Wolf, are you hearing this?
Hot dog related resentment.
384
00:14:05,345 --> 00:14:08,012
A vendetta against men,
or at least against Bradley.
385
00:14:08,164 --> 00:14:10,181
Danica just became
suspect number one.
386
00:14:10,408 --> 00:14:12,833
Oh, my God, Danica's
a wiener-hating murderer,
387
00:14:13,002 --> 00:14:15,002
and my whole family's
with her right now!
388
00:14:15,096 --> 00:14:16,429
This is code red!
389
00:14:16,581 --> 00:14:19,374
Sorry, sir.
I need to commandeer these dogs.
390
00:14:19,376 --> 00:14:20,674
There's no time.
391
00:14:20,694 --> 00:14:22,193
-Hey, Elba.
-Hey, Edna.
392
00:14:22,420 --> 00:14:24,770
Thanks for being my backup.
I haven't had to arrest someone
393
00:14:24,865 --> 00:14:27,924
since Fred Levy refused to get
out of the fountain at the mall.
394
00:14:28,017 --> 00:14:29,534
He was nude,
and he brought a beach chair
395
00:14:29,685 --> 00:14:31,427
and a battery-powered blender
for piña coladas.
396
00:14:31,520 --> 00:14:32,762
Part of me appreciated
his vision.
397
00:14:32,780 --> 00:14:34,263
I was happy to come.
398
00:14:34,398 --> 00:14:36,357
Fighting crime with my sister
is the thrill of a lifetime.
399
00:14:36,376 --> 00:14:39,785
And I promised Mom I'd take a
video of you doing police stuff.
400
00:14:39,880 --> 00:14:41,437
All right, here we go.
401
00:14:41,456 --> 00:14:43,773
Danica Tobin,
you're under arrest.
402
00:14:43,775 --> 00:14:45,458
Danica speaking. Hi. Hi.
403
00:14:45,552 --> 00:14:48,444
I have hostages,
so, you know, stay back.
404
00:14:48,463 --> 00:14:50,446
I haven't been in
a hostage situation
405
00:14:50,465 --> 00:14:52,965
since we went to Mitch Jameson's
one-man show,
406
00:14:53,059 --> 00:14:54,450
A Dash of Mitch.
407
00:14:54,469 --> 00:14:56,710
Ugh, yeah,
this sounds better than that.
408
00:14:56,730 --> 00:14:57,878
(both laughing)
409
00:14:57,972 --> 00:14:59,622
WOLF:
Great idea to park the car
410
00:14:59,641 --> 00:15:01,382
a few blocks away
and approach from the rear.
411
00:15:01,401 --> 00:15:02,883
I've seen enough
stakeout movies to know
412
00:15:02,903 --> 00:15:05,144
you got to size up the situation
before you make your move.
413
00:15:05,296 --> 00:15:07,296
Yep. Also, we got to finish
these hot dogs.
414
00:15:07,390 --> 00:15:08,722
And these french fries we got
415
00:15:08,816 --> 00:15:10,133
at the Hamburger Jack's
drive-through.
416
00:15:10,226 --> 00:15:12,076
Yeah, I feel a little guilty
about stopping again
417
00:15:12,228 --> 00:15:14,470
on the way here-- mm--
but I'd be no good
418
00:15:14,563 --> 00:15:16,230
fighting a serial killer
on an empty stomach.
419
00:15:16,324 --> 00:15:17,415
Don't feel guilty, babe.
420
00:15:17,566 --> 00:15:19,100
The Closer was always
eating snacks
421
00:15:19,160 --> 00:15:20,977
from her drawer as little
power-ups throughout the day,
422
00:15:20,995 --> 00:15:22,495
and she was the best in the biz.
423
00:15:22,647 --> 00:15:24,405
Oh, yeah, I just love
Kyra Sedgwick.
424
00:15:24,424 --> 00:15:26,666
And speaking of snacks,
her husband Kevin Bacon
425
00:15:26,760 --> 00:15:28,259
is pretty easy on the eyes.
426
00:15:28,486 --> 00:15:30,002
Oh, oh, God, she's got a gun.
427
00:15:30,096 --> 00:15:31,712
-Okay, don't panic.
-Tommy salami!
428
00:15:31,765 --> 00:15:34,581
Please spare their wieners.
We're coming, guys.
429
00:15:34,601 --> 00:15:37,510
Okay, this is just
a closet full of mayonnaise.
430
00:15:37,662 --> 00:15:39,996
-Shouldn't this be refrigerated?
-Only if they're open.
431
00:15:40,014 --> 00:15:41,588
Okay, but they all
seem to be open.
432
00:15:41,608 --> 00:15:44,500
Oh, here's something.
There's some stairs back here.
433
00:15:44,519 --> 00:15:46,093
Oh, and there's another door.
434
00:15:46,171 --> 00:15:47,353
(grunts) It's locked.
435
00:15:47,522 --> 00:15:49,430
Well, we could just look
at the TiVo again.
436
00:15:49,449 --> 00:15:52,024
She does have something on there
called Frankly, Frasier.
437
00:15:52,177 --> 00:15:53,359
Do not put that on.
438
00:15:53,453 --> 00:15:55,511
It's Niles doing
freeze-frame commentary
439
00:15:55,530 --> 00:15:57,604
over full-length episodes
of Frasier.
440
00:15:57,699 --> 00:16:00,016
NILES:
Welcome to episode 80
of Frankly, Frasier.
441
00:16:00,109 --> 00:16:02,018
Today we'll be taking
a critical glance
442
00:16:02,111 --> 00:16:03,944
at episode 80 of Frasier,
443
00:16:03,964 --> 00:16:06,205
"Our Father
Whose Art Ain't Heaven."
444
00:16:06,357 --> 00:16:07,373
What's wrong, sweetie?
445
00:16:07,525 --> 00:16:09,450
-You love Frasier.
-I know.
446
00:16:09,469 --> 00:16:11,544
What's wrong is I brought
my whole family here
447
00:16:11,696 --> 00:16:13,713
so I could redo my coming-out,
'cause I thought
448
00:16:13,865 --> 00:16:15,548
having some big,
gasp-filled moment
449
00:16:15,642 --> 00:16:16,957
seemed so important to me,
450
00:16:16,977 --> 00:16:18,868
but I'm realizing
I don't want that.
451
00:16:18,961 --> 00:16:21,887
That was just some weird idea
that snuck into my brain basket
452
00:16:21,982 --> 00:16:24,707
after years of watching movies
like Danny Vroom.
453
00:16:24,726 --> 00:16:27,819
It doesn't have to be dramatic
or full of conflict.
454
00:16:28,046 --> 00:16:29,879
It can actually just be
full of support.
455
00:16:29,897 --> 00:16:31,547
But it's too late now.
456
00:16:31,566 --> 00:16:33,883
Now we're gonna
have to eat mayonnaise
457
00:16:33,976 --> 00:16:35,976
in a basement until we get shot!
458
00:16:36,070 --> 00:16:38,404
Honeybee,
I can hear them down here.
459
00:16:38,498 --> 00:16:40,406
If you can hear me, guys,
it's me, Wolf,
460
00:16:40,500 --> 00:16:41,724
your brother and son,
461
00:16:41,743 --> 00:16:43,334
and in the case of Crispin,
closest friend.
462
00:16:43,561 --> 00:16:45,003
We are here
to save your penises.
463
00:16:45,230 --> 00:16:46,729
-JUDY: Wolf!
-We hear you, Judy.
464
00:16:46,822 --> 00:16:47,913
Not so fast.
465
00:16:48,066 --> 00:16:49,674
You must be Wolf and Honeybee.
466
00:16:49,901 --> 00:16:51,083
And you must be Danica.
467
00:16:51,177 --> 00:16:52,251
So nice to meet you.
468
00:16:52,403 --> 00:16:53,736
Lay down, on your tummies.
469
00:16:53,829 --> 00:16:55,829
Okay, I do not like
a grown woman saying "tummy."
470
00:16:55,998 --> 00:16:57,256
-It's weird.
-Tummies on the turf!
471
00:16:57,408 --> 00:16:59,392
-Ugh.
-Nancy Drew Magoo!
472
00:17:02,355 --> 00:17:05,672
Okay, when I say so,
I want you both to stand up,
473
00:17:05,841 --> 00:17:07,416
-and I'm gonna put you
in the basement.
-And slice off our wieners?
474
00:17:07,585 --> 00:17:10,010
I don't like that kind
of rude language.
475
00:17:10,030 --> 00:17:13,031
-Freeze! Police.
-That was amazing.
476
00:17:13,182 --> 00:17:14,681
Man, I wish Mom could be here.
477
00:17:14,759 --> 00:17:17,035
Uh-oh. Is that a...
Yeah, that's a gun.
478
00:17:17,186 --> 00:17:18,427
She's got a gun.
479
00:17:18,446 --> 00:17:20,263
Wait, you guys don't have guns?
480
00:17:20,281 --> 00:17:22,373
All right, you two,
also down on the ground.
481
00:17:22,600 --> 00:17:24,433
Ah, looks like
we got to surrender, sis.
482
00:17:24,527 --> 00:17:26,377
Don't surrender.
You're the police.
483
00:17:26,529 --> 00:17:28,695
Sorry, but we leave our guns
in the glovebox,
484
00:17:28,823 --> 00:17:30,289
like we're supposed to.
485
00:17:30,441 --> 00:17:31,941
Oh, yeah.
I haven't handled a gun
486
00:17:32,034 --> 00:17:33,442
since the gun-training puppet
taught me
487
00:17:33,461 --> 00:17:34,627
how to take off the safety.
488
00:17:34,796 --> 00:17:36,995
Ya beep, and ya boop,
and you're ready to shoot.
489
00:17:37,057 --> 00:17:39,115
But only if it's
a life-or-death situation.
490
00:17:39,133 --> 00:17:40,633
I'm not even interested
in killing you guys,
491
00:17:40,727 --> 00:17:42,393
but you're kind of
leaving me no choice here.
492
00:17:42,562 --> 00:17:45,121
What I am interested in
is those haircuts.
493
00:17:45,123 --> 00:17:47,214
Did you lose a bet,
or are you just very brave?
494
00:17:47,233 --> 00:17:48,549
I can't believe I'm saying this,
495
00:17:48,643 --> 00:17:50,459
but can you be nice
to these police ladies?
496
00:17:50,553 --> 00:17:52,144
-You suck.
-Shh! It's too much talking.
497
00:17:52,297 --> 00:17:55,481
Kesha's cursed Kit Kat,
I don't want to die young.
498
00:17:55,633 --> 00:17:57,057
What are you...
what are you doing?
499
00:17:57,077 --> 00:17:58,968
Sorry, sorry,
I'm not trying to get away.
500
00:17:59,061 --> 00:18:00,653
I just have major
pins and needles. Ugh.
501
00:18:00,805 --> 00:18:03,639
Stop moving in that annoying way
and get back down on the ground.
502
00:18:03,732 --> 00:18:04,749
Hmm?
503
00:18:04,900 --> 00:18:06,309
-Gotcha.
-Aah!
504
00:18:06,327 --> 00:18:08,569
Great job, sis.
A classic tap and turn.
505
00:18:08,588 --> 00:18:10,755
Yeah, I was gonna do "there's
something on your shirt,"
506
00:18:10,982 --> 00:18:12,331
but it just doesn't seem like
507
00:18:12,483 --> 00:18:14,241
this lady eats
anything with sauce.
508
00:18:14,335 --> 00:18:16,243
Ugh, well, darn it all,
you really did get me.
509
00:18:16,262 --> 00:18:18,763
I did not see that coming,
and not only because I was
510
00:18:18,914 --> 00:18:20,656
sort of looking away because
I find your face unpleasant.
511
00:18:20,675 --> 00:18:23,159
You know what else
you might find unpleasant?
512
00:18:23,252 --> 00:18:25,269
Three years at the
Orca Bay Correctional Facility.
513
00:18:25,496 --> 00:18:27,254
Actually, it's very comfortable.
514
00:18:27,273 --> 00:18:29,181
They have a Wetzel's Pretzels
in the cafeteria.
515
00:18:29,334 --> 00:18:31,183
So, you guys are positive
516
00:18:31,336 --> 00:18:33,185
Cousin Danica isn't
the Orca Bay Slicer?
517
00:18:33,338 --> 00:18:36,597
Sorry, the Orca Bay Slicer
confessed many years ago.
518
00:18:36,691 --> 00:18:38,023
Was kind of a big deal.
519
00:18:38,176 --> 00:18:40,618
And she prefers to be called
Nancy McCamden now.
520
00:18:40,769 --> 00:18:43,604
Well, Crap-lombo, looks like
we didn't finish reading
521
00:18:43,623 --> 00:18:45,531
the Wikipedia page, Honeybee.
(laughs)
522
00:18:45,683 --> 00:18:47,291
We must have gotten
a little too excited
523
00:18:47,443 --> 00:18:48,793
and forgotten to scroll
all the way down.
524
00:18:48,944 --> 00:18:50,035
Don't worry, though.
525
00:18:50,279 --> 00:18:52,188
I'm sure A.J. Dossier
accidentally investigated
526
00:18:52,281 --> 00:18:54,540
a bunch of closed cases
at the beginning of his career.
527
00:18:54,634 --> 00:18:55,616
Onwards!
528
00:18:55,784 --> 00:18:57,135
Wait, so what did
Cousin Danica do?
529
00:18:57,286 --> 00:19:00,120
-She robbed a bunch of banks.
-But I had a good reason.
530
00:19:00,140 --> 00:19:02,214
Well, as long as you had
a good reason.
531
00:19:02,367 --> 00:19:03,808
Well, I did for the first one.
532
00:19:03,959 --> 00:19:05,868
I'd gotten fired
by a hot dog restaurant,
533
00:19:05,961 --> 00:19:07,870
and my home was about
to be foreclosed on.
534
00:19:07,963 --> 00:19:09,705
The second time,
it was because I was bored.
535
00:19:09,724 --> 00:19:12,875
And after that, I just,
eh, caught the bug.
536
00:19:12,968 --> 00:19:14,485
All right, off I go to jail.
537
00:19:14,712 --> 00:19:17,396
HAM:
Guys, I'm really sorry
about today.
538
00:19:17,490 --> 00:19:18,972
We only ended up here
because I thought
539
00:19:19,066 --> 00:19:20,549
I wanted a big,
dramatic coming-out,
540
00:19:20,568 --> 00:19:22,234
and then look at
all the real-life drama
541
00:19:22,387 --> 00:19:23,602
I accidentally got us into.
542
00:19:23,754 --> 00:19:25,738
Funny, as I was preparing
for possible death,
543
00:19:25,890 --> 00:19:27,223
I realized something.
544
00:19:27,241 --> 00:19:30,075
I've already had
the perfect kind of coming-out.
545
00:19:30,228 --> 00:19:31,410
(chuckles) Many times.
546
00:19:31,562 --> 00:19:33,579
The kind that didn't faze
my family.
547
00:19:33,731 --> 00:19:34,988
Not even a little bit.
548
00:19:35,082 --> 00:19:37,249
Ham, I'm sorry that I never made
a bigger moment
549
00:19:37,326 --> 00:19:40,069
out of what was admittedly
a very big moment.
550
00:19:40,087 --> 00:19:41,662
If I ever seemed too casual,
551
00:19:41,756 --> 00:19:44,240
it's just because I was afraid
of making it seem
552
00:19:44,242 --> 00:19:46,242
like a big deal
in a negative way.
553
00:19:46,260 --> 00:19:47,927
I can't go back in time, son,
554
00:19:48,079 --> 00:19:50,980
but maybe we can
make it up to you.
555
00:19:53,509 --> 00:19:55,418
-Places, people.
-(Beef giggles)
556
00:19:55,436 --> 00:19:57,603
Good evening, esteemed family.
557
00:19:57,697 --> 00:20:01,590
I look forward to socializing
with you all, but first...
558
00:20:01,609 --> 00:20:05,369
♪ Could everyone please come
to a standstill? ♪
559
00:20:05,596 --> 00:20:09,022
♪ Even the bird
on the windowsill ♪
560
00:20:09,042 --> 00:20:11,617
♪ Because I have
something to say ♪
561
00:20:11,769 --> 00:20:13,936
♪ I am gay ♪
562
00:20:14,029 --> 00:20:15,120
-(Judy gasps)
-MOON: Gasp.
563
00:20:15,215 --> 00:20:17,440
♪ Now please burst into tears ♪
564
00:20:17,442 --> 00:20:19,625
♪ Oh, no, I feel faint
from this news ♪
565
00:20:19,794 --> 00:20:21,610
♪ My head might drop off ♪
566
00:20:21,629 --> 00:20:23,796
♪ I must hold on to my shoes
for I fear they'll pop off ♪
567
00:20:23,890 --> 00:20:26,949
♪ Well, well, well,
I simply can't believe it ♪
568
00:20:26,968 --> 00:20:29,785
♪ This information
is so shocking ♪
569
00:20:29,804 --> 00:20:31,896
♪ I just can't receive it ♪
570
00:20:32,047 --> 00:20:33,714
So, what kind of gay are you?
571
00:20:33,733 --> 00:20:35,382
♪ A bear, a pear,
a man in the chair? ♪
572
00:20:35,401 --> 00:20:37,217
♪ An otter, a squatter,
a French debonair? ♪
573
00:20:37,311 --> 00:20:39,295
♪ A dancer, a prancer,
a Marcia, a Jan? ♪
574
00:20:39,313 --> 00:20:41,739
♪ And which one of you
is the man? ♪
575
00:20:42,391 --> 00:20:44,742
That was very offensive,
you guys. Thank you.
576
00:20:44,893 --> 00:20:46,802
♪ I did it, I came out ♪
577
00:20:46,821 --> 00:20:50,489
♪ I said it out loud and I
kicked all the shame out ♪
578
00:20:50,641 --> 00:20:51,916
Baby, you were a star.
579
00:20:52,143 --> 00:20:54,568
And sorry,
but I just have to say it.
580
00:20:54,587 --> 00:20:58,814
♪ We love you just the way
that you are. ♪
581
00:20:59,500 --> 00:21:01,908
MAN: So you want to go out
for an afternoon trot?
582
00:21:02,003 --> 00:21:03,168
MAN 2:
And you want to be heard
583
00:21:03,321 --> 00:21:04,911
like a herd of bison,
heard a lot?
584
00:21:04,989 --> 00:21:07,156
BOTH: Throw on some Cl'jogs
before you hit the town.
585
00:21:07,158 --> 00:21:09,508
The sound, it's deafening
when they pound, pound, pound.
586
00:21:09,677 --> 00:21:11,176
♪ ♪
587
00:21:11,271 --> 00:21:13,253
MAN 1: 2,000 years
of Dutch innovation...
588
00:21:13,422 --> 00:21:15,180
MAN 2:
Meets running shoe technology
589
00:21:15,275 --> 00:21:17,683
developed by our lead
clog scientist Nathan.
590
00:21:17,777 --> 00:21:19,110
MAN 1:
ClogWizard.biz called us
591
00:21:19,279 --> 00:21:21,353
the third-best running clog
in the nation.
592
00:21:21,506 --> 00:21:24,264
BOTH: So throw on some Cl'jogs
before you hit the town.
593
00:21:24,284 --> 00:21:27,510
The sound, it's deafening
when they pound, pound, pound.
594
00:21:27,528 --> 00:21:29,528
MAN 2: Cl'jogs have a world
of loud adventure in store.
595
00:21:29,680 --> 00:21:31,289
MAN 1:
For Cl'jogging memories galore.
596
00:21:31,774 --> 00:21:33,440
Captioning sponsored by
BENTO BOX ENTERTAINMENT
597
00:21:33,459 --> 00:21:35,209
and TOYOTA.