1 00:00:01,490 --> 00:00:04,174 -♪ Look up there ♪ -♪ What do you see? ♪ 2 00:00:04,401 --> 00:00:05,901 ♪ Nature and stuff ♪ 3 00:00:05,919 --> 00:00:07,160 -♪ Like a rock ♪ -♪ And a tree ♪ 4 00:00:07,254 --> 00:00:09,996 ♪ Oh, the Great North ♪ 5 00:00:10,165 --> 00:00:13,592 ♪ Way up here, you can breathe the air ♪ 6 00:00:13,686 --> 00:00:14,760 ♪ Catch some fish ♪ 7 00:00:14,912 --> 00:00:16,503 ♪ Or gaze at a bear ♪ 8 00:00:16,580 --> 00:00:17,596 ♪ Wow ♪ 9 00:00:17,690 --> 00:00:21,174 ♪ Oh, the Great North ♪ 10 00:00:21,268 --> 00:00:22,417 ♪ Here we live, oh, oh ♪ 11 00:00:22,436 --> 00:00:24,010 ♪ Here we'll stay, oh, whoo ♪ 12 00:00:24,104 --> 00:00:25,529 ♪ From longest night to longest day ♪ 13 00:00:25,756 --> 00:00:29,491 ♪ In the Great North. ♪ 14 00:00:32,096 --> 00:00:33,495 (cheering) 15 00:00:34,689 --> 00:00:35,688 PEPPERS: Moving on, 16 00:00:36,024 --> 00:00:38,375 the annual Cavalcade of Ships is almost upon us. 17 00:00:38,527 --> 00:00:40,285 It's time once again for us to transform 18 00:00:40,379 --> 00:00:42,362 one of the town's boats into a themed float, 19 00:00:42,381 --> 00:00:43,939 then parade it down the marina, 20 00:00:44,032 --> 00:00:46,275 competing against the three nearest towns, 21 00:00:46,293 --> 00:00:48,368 Death Cliff, Whippleton and Ted's Folly. 22 00:00:48,387 --> 00:00:50,203 -(booing) -Screw Whippleton! 23 00:00:50,297 --> 00:00:52,539 Wow, you guys all really hate other towns. 24 00:00:52,558 --> 00:00:53,448 We don't hate them. 25 00:00:53,467 --> 00:00:55,041 We just don't like them at all. 26 00:00:55,135 --> 00:00:56,376 Yeah. And we hate them. 27 00:00:56,470 --> 00:00:57,544 Yes. We hate them. 28 00:00:57,638 --> 00:00:58,637 Why? 29 00:00:58,806 --> 00:01:00,213 Sometimes we get bored up here in Alaska. 30 00:01:00,232 --> 00:01:01,398 And rivalries are fun. 31 00:01:01,550 --> 00:01:03,475 Okay. Asked and answered, Your Honor. 32 00:01:03,644 --> 00:01:06,645 Now Councilperson Toby the Eagle will select the ship 33 00:01:06,739 --> 00:01:08,630 representing our town this year. 34 00:01:08,799 --> 00:01:10,223 The Mighty Kathleen, 35 00:01:10,242 --> 00:01:11,466 captained by Beef Tobin. 36 00:01:11,485 --> 00:01:14,152 -(cheering) -We're all wishing you the best, 37 00:01:14,305 --> 00:01:15,728 even though we know there's no way 38 00:01:15,748 --> 00:01:17,322 in Lucifer's loafers we'll win. 39 00:01:17,474 --> 00:01:19,399 Wait, why is everyone acting so down? 40 00:01:19,493 --> 00:01:20,492 I'm sure we can win. 41 00:01:20,644 --> 00:01:22,160 This family is very good at boat stuff. 42 00:01:22,254 --> 00:01:23,662 Well, my New-to-the-North Nympho... 43 00:01:23,756 --> 00:01:26,256 -Wolf, we've talked about that name. -Sorry. Yep. 44 00:01:26,408 --> 00:01:28,592 While everyone does love the Cavalcade of Ships-- 45 00:01:28,819 --> 00:01:31,578 it's a proud tradition that goes back hundreds of years-- 46 00:01:31,655 --> 00:01:32,763 our town never wins. 47 00:01:32,914 --> 00:01:34,339 -And we hate that. -PEPPERS: Yep. 48 00:01:34,416 --> 00:01:36,767 Death Cliff and their captain, Randy Jammers, 49 00:01:36,936 --> 00:01:38,585 have won the last ten years in a row. 50 00:01:38,753 --> 00:01:40,679 What does the winning town get, a million dollars? 51 00:01:40,831 --> 00:01:42,180 Better than a million dollars. 52 00:01:42,333 --> 00:01:44,349 A plaque that says "Best Boat Town." 53 00:01:44,501 --> 00:01:46,259 So it's a silly contest with a meaningless prize 54 00:01:46,353 --> 00:01:48,186 but we all care an insane amount about it? 55 00:01:48,339 --> 00:01:49,947 You just described all of sports, 56 00:01:50,098 --> 00:01:51,857 every competitive reality show 57 00:01:52,009 --> 00:01:52,932 and life itself. 58 00:01:52,952 --> 00:01:54,434 But, that said, yes. 59 00:01:54,453 --> 00:01:57,195 And, boy, would we love to get our hands on that plaque. 60 00:01:57,289 --> 00:01:58,438 Because, let's face it, 61 00:01:58,532 --> 00:02:00,290 as a town, we've had a hard year. 62 00:02:00,442 --> 00:02:03,852 A hooligan spray-painted a Smurf on our only overpass. 63 00:02:03,871 --> 00:02:05,354 I'm still upset that someone left 64 00:02:05,372 --> 00:02:06,463 a washing machine in the river. 65 00:02:06,615 --> 00:02:08,373 And who can forget last Christmas, 66 00:02:08,525 --> 00:02:10,525 when we thought someone was doing skywriting 67 00:02:10,544 --> 00:02:12,544 but it turned out to be a plane crash. 68 00:02:12,696 --> 00:02:16,306 The point is we could really use a win this year for town morale. 69 00:02:16,458 --> 00:02:18,049 We can't compete with Death Cliff. No one can. 70 00:02:18,202 --> 00:02:20,869 Maybe we should attack them and kill Randy Jammers! 71 00:02:20,962 --> 00:02:23,647 -(clamoring) -It's worth considering! -Guys, guys, guys! 72 00:02:23,798 --> 00:02:26,375 I know I'm new around here, but I don't think it's impossible 73 00:02:26,393 --> 00:02:29,135 for us to become the best boat town out of four towns! 74 00:02:29,229 --> 00:02:30,470 I love Lone Moose, 75 00:02:30,564 --> 00:02:32,230 and it's the best boat town in my book. 76 00:02:32,324 --> 00:02:34,399 Maybe we can win again. 77 00:02:34,493 --> 00:02:37,402 My dad's gonna be the captain, and he's always winning! 78 00:02:37,496 --> 00:02:39,496 It's true. Just last night, I gave him a trophy 79 00:02:39,648 --> 00:02:42,073 for Most Reassuring Hug that I made him myself. 80 00:02:42,168 --> 00:02:43,408 It was an honor, son. 81 00:02:43,502 --> 00:02:45,076 And I'll be in charge of the float design! 82 00:02:45,171 --> 00:02:47,579 And I can be Judy's grumpy foreman who says stuff 83 00:02:47,731 --> 00:02:49,006 like "That'll be the day." 84 00:02:49,157 --> 00:02:51,249 And I have always wanted to save a town, 85 00:02:51,343 --> 00:02:53,677 ideally through dancing, but this'll be good, too. 86 00:02:53,904 --> 00:02:55,070 Best Boat Town! 87 00:02:55,088 --> 00:02:56,513 CROWD: Best Boat Town! 88 00:02:56,665 --> 00:02:58,073 Best Boat Town! 89 00:02:58,091 --> 00:02:59,925 Okay, Tobins, we have two weeks. 90 00:03:00,077 --> 00:03:01,410 Lone Moose is counting on you. 91 00:03:01,503 --> 00:03:03,745 And now our next matter, Archie Scrimm. 92 00:03:03,838 --> 00:03:07,340 -Yeah. -You were cited for illegally cutting down a tree. 93 00:03:07,359 --> 00:03:10,027 I had to chop it down, but it weren't malicious. 94 00:03:10,178 --> 00:03:11,528 I seen a woman trapped inside it, 95 00:03:11,755 --> 00:03:13,922 and I had to free her with my sculpting. 96 00:03:13,941 --> 00:03:15,199 Now she's my wife. 97 00:03:15,426 --> 00:03:16,700 HAM: Thanks for getting us those tickets 98 00:03:16,851 --> 00:03:18,109 to the monster truck rally. 99 00:03:18,278 --> 00:03:20,871 I love watching those cars get crushed. 100 00:03:21,098 --> 00:03:22,522 Oh, I actually root for the cars. 101 00:03:22,541 --> 00:03:24,875 Likely gonna be a melancholy night for me. 102 00:03:25,102 --> 00:03:26,618 Well, speaking of big, exciting events, 103 00:03:26,770 --> 00:03:29,287 as you know, the Cavalcade of Ships is coming up, 104 00:03:29,440 --> 00:03:31,440 and I am one of the town's boat boys. 105 00:03:31,533 --> 00:03:32,290 Sure, you are, sweetie. 106 00:03:32,443 --> 00:03:34,109 You're the boat-iest boy I know. 107 00:03:34,202 --> 00:03:35,052 Crispin, no. 108 00:03:35,203 --> 00:03:36,536 It's part of the cavalcade. 109 00:03:36,555 --> 00:03:38,388 Every boat has a pair of boat boys assigned to it. 110 00:03:38,615 --> 00:03:40,449 They walk along the shore, guiding the pace of their boat 111 00:03:40,542 --> 00:03:42,559 while dressed in the ceremonial boat boy attire. 112 00:03:42,786 --> 00:03:46,304 Ah, Lone Moose is a diamond with a hundred glimmering facets. 113 00:03:46,457 --> 00:03:48,565 Sadly, my old boat boy partner, Octavio, 114 00:03:48,717 --> 00:03:51,309 recently died of natural causes at age 100. 115 00:03:51,403 --> 00:03:53,520 And I was wondering if you would do me the honor 116 00:03:53,572 --> 00:03:55,722 of sharing in a dockside stride with me. 117 00:03:55,741 --> 00:03:59,634 Hamantha, this all sounds fully nuts and not really up my alley, 118 00:03:59,636 --> 00:04:02,304 but if it's important to you, I'm in. 119 00:04:02,473 --> 00:04:03,396 WOLF: Okay, if we want to win, 120 00:04:03,415 --> 00:04:05,565 I got to see how other people won. 121 00:04:05,584 --> 00:04:08,477 I just have to study every year's cavalcade. 122 00:04:08,495 --> 00:04:11,088 Wow. This guy's one hell of a looker. 123 00:04:11,315 --> 00:04:12,572 Oh, come on, Wolf. Focus. 124 00:04:12,591 --> 00:04:14,758 You're not here to scope out studs. 125 00:04:14,927 --> 00:04:16,318 Hello. 126 00:04:16,336 --> 00:04:19,671 Never saw a dreamboat driving a steamboat before. 127 00:04:19,840 --> 00:04:20,764 Wait a minute. 128 00:04:20,915 --> 00:04:22,599 Hunk. Hunk. Stud. 129 00:04:22,768 --> 00:04:23,433 Hunk. Hunk. 130 00:04:23,585 --> 00:04:24,843 Babe! Smokeshow! 131 00:04:25,012 --> 00:04:28,254 It's like every captain that ever won is a super hunk. 132 00:04:28,274 --> 00:04:29,773 Oh, my God, that's it. 133 00:04:30,000 --> 00:04:31,275 That's the secret! 134 00:04:31,426 --> 00:04:33,610 The boat with the hottest captain always wins. 135 00:04:33,762 --> 00:04:35,094 I got to tell the town! 136 00:04:35,188 --> 00:04:37,781 Whew. Oh, no, I'm hunk drunk at the library. 137 00:04:38,008 --> 00:04:39,432 I probably shouldn't drive home. 138 00:04:39,451 --> 00:04:41,009 HAM: Well, what do you think? 139 00:04:41,102 --> 00:04:42,861 Wouldn't be my first choice, 140 00:04:43,013 --> 00:04:44,696 but I'm happy to support your hobby. 141 00:04:44,848 --> 00:04:47,440 You didn't want to go to the Museum of Lizards with me, 142 00:04:47,534 --> 00:04:49,108 but there you were, by my side, 143 00:04:49,202 --> 00:04:50,852 saying, "Can we leave now?" 144 00:04:50,871 --> 00:04:52,296 Oh, I loved when we left. 145 00:04:52,372 --> 00:04:54,298 What else should I know about being a boat boy? 146 00:04:54,525 --> 00:04:57,116 Aside from how important it is to the town, not much. 147 00:04:57,210 --> 00:04:58,951 It's literally just walking slowly 148 00:04:58,971 --> 00:05:01,363 and then saying "Let's go boat!" 149 00:05:01,381 --> 00:05:02,531 Let's go boat. 150 00:05:02,699 --> 00:05:05,124 Incredible. You really haven't done this before? 151 00:05:05,218 --> 00:05:07,385 Allow me and my grumpy foreman Moon 152 00:05:07,538 --> 00:05:08,870 to present our boat float theme 153 00:05:08,889 --> 00:05:10,814 for this year's Cavalcade of Ships! 154 00:05:11,041 --> 00:05:12,057 We give you... 155 00:05:12,133 --> 00:05:14,893 Lone Moose in the year 2050! 156 00:05:15,045 --> 00:05:16,987 Picture it-- melted glaciers, 157 00:05:17,138 --> 00:05:18,971 Internet troll droids. 158 00:05:19,066 --> 00:05:21,550 Giant plastic water bottles with muscular legs. 159 00:05:21,643 --> 00:05:23,385 It's a wake-up call and I... 160 00:05:23,403 --> 00:05:25,570 -The theme doesn't matter! -(murmuring) -What are you talking about? 161 00:05:25,722 --> 00:05:28,907 I've figured out the secret to winning the Cavalcade of Ships! 162 00:05:29,059 --> 00:05:30,149 We don't need a hot boat. 163 00:05:30,243 --> 00:05:32,243 We need a hot captain. 164 00:05:32,396 --> 00:05:33,986 -(gasping, murmuring) -Like Randy Jammers. 165 00:05:34,006 --> 00:05:36,231 The hottest captain always wins. 166 00:05:36,324 --> 00:05:37,732 Look, I'll show you! Take a look 167 00:05:37,751 --> 00:05:39,509 at these vintage newspapers I stole from the library. 168 00:05:39,736 --> 00:05:42,754 Wolf, I really wish you hadn't stolen from the library. 169 00:05:42,906 --> 00:05:45,907 You already have thousands of dollars in library fines. 170 00:05:46,000 --> 00:05:47,576 Yeah, yeah, and I'm good for it. But look! 171 00:05:47,669 --> 00:05:50,336 These are the winning captains from the last 40 years. 172 00:05:50,505 --> 00:05:52,839 Ted's Folly, 11 years ago-- hunk. 173 00:05:52,858 --> 00:05:54,916 Whippleton, 13 years ago-- babe. 174 00:05:54,918 --> 00:05:56,360 And there's more. Hunk. Stallion. 175 00:05:56,545 --> 00:05:58,420 -Hot piece. Stud. Absolute snack. -(gasps) 176 00:05:58,438 --> 00:06:01,439 Folks, we are talking elite-level handsomes 177 00:06:01,533 --> 00:06:02,424 across the board. 178 00:06:02,442 --> 00:06:03,942 Damn it, Wolf, you've done it. 179 00:06:04,036 --> 00:06:05,518 So what do we do, Wolf? 180 00:06:05,537 --> 00:06:07,429 We just need to find the hottest guy we can 181 00:06:07,447 --> 00:06:09,539 and then make him this year's captain. 182 00:06:09,691 --> 00:06:10,540 And what about the float? 183 00:06:10,692 --> 00:06:11,858 Uh, just make it sexy. 184 00:06:12,026 --> 00:06:13,377 A sexy float to back up our hot captain. 185 00:06:13,528 --> 00:06:14,786 Okay. Okay, yeah. 186 00:06:14,938 --> 00:06:17,196 We'll just give the Internet trolls large naturals. 187 00:06:17,290 --> 00:06:20,275 Am I to just hand command of The Mighty Kathleen over 188 00:06:20,368 --> 00:06:22,368 to some pretty face who can't steer? 189 00:06:22,462 --> 00:06:24,613 No, Dad, you'll still be the actual captain. 190 00:06:24,706 --> 00:06:26,038 The hottie's just for show. 191 00:06:26,058 --> 00:06:27,206 He's crowd candy. 192 00:06:27,226 --> 00:06:28,541 And I know what you're all thinking, 193 00:06:28,560 --> 00:06:30,285 and, yes, my dad is known around town 194 00:06:30,378 --> 00:06:31,620 as a nice piece of business, 195 00:06:31,638 --> 00:06:34,046 but he's not what these vultures are looking for. 196 00:06:34,124 --> 00:06:35,214 In order to find what we need, 197 00:06:35,234 --> 00:06:37,125 Honeybee and I will hold hunk auditions. 198 00:06:37,144 --> 00:06:39,294 It's something we were gonna do eventually anyway, 199 00:06:39,387 --> 00:06:40,720 so it'll be nice to have an official reason. 200 00:06:40,739 --> 00:06:43,573 Then, Wolf, I give you the full authority of my office 201 00:06:43,800 --> 00:06:46,910 to do whatever it takes to find this very hot man. 202 00:06:47,079 --> 00:06:48,136 -(cheering) -Yes! Yes! 203 00:06:48,155 --> 00:06:50,563 Let the Hunker Games begin! 204 00:06:50,641 --> 00:06:52,582 May the bods be ever in our favor! 205 00:06:56,070 --> 00:06:58,922 Okay, number 53 is next. Bring that hotness. 206 00:06:59,073 --> 00:07:00,815 It is I, Santiago Carpaccio. 207 00:07:00,834 --> 00:07:04,002 Mr. Carpaccio, have you ever been hot professionally? 208 00:07:04,096 --> 00:07:05,837 No, this would be my first gig. 209 00:07:05,989 --> 00:07:07,097 That thing you're doing with your body-- 210 00:07:07,174 --> 00:07:08,323 is that part of the hotness? 211 00:07:08,416 --> 00:07:09,415 You tell me. 212 00:07:09,435 --> 00:07:10,249 I will tell you... 213 00:07:10,269 --> 00:07:11,826 that I love it personally, 214 00:07:11,828 --> 00:07:14,179 but we're going for People's Sexiest Man here, 215 00:07:14,347 --> 00:07:15,997 and I don't think the people are ready. 216 00:07:16,016 --> 00:07:17,348 Thank you for the opportunity. 217 00:07:17,501 --> 00:07:18,758 -HONEYBEE: Next! -This is my cousin Ronnie. 218 00:07:18,777 --> 00:07:21,019 He's an arm model. Show 'em the business, Ronnie. 219 00:07:21,171 --> 00:07:22,671 Sorry, but it's a pass. 220 00:07:22,764 --> 00:07:24,448 The forearms are doing all the heavy lifting here. 221 00:07:24,599 --> 00:07:27,284 Unflex, Ronnie. No more freebies for these fools. 222 00:07:27,435 --> 00:07:29,194 -Next! -WOLF: Two of you. 223 00:07:29,346 --> 00:07:30,679 Okay, I'm intrigued. 224 00:07:30,772 --> 00:07:33,181 Okay, so I've got a rockin' bod and Eric has a hot face. 225 00:07:33,274 --> 00:07:35,350 But put us together and... 226 00:07:35,368 --> 00:07:36,351 (grunts) 227 00:07:36,369 --> 00:07:37,109 Ta-da! 228 00:07:37,129 --> 00:07:38,295 Uh, give us a minute. 229 00:07:38,446 --> 00:07:40,188 Sure, it's got a fun freak factor, 230 00:07:40,207 --> 00:07:42,357 but they are all jingle, no jangle. 231 00:07:42,375 --> 00:07:44,450 Uh, we can hear you. You're talking really loud. 232 00:07:44,544 --> 00:07:47,286 Uh, we were talking about, uh, something... else. 233 00:07:47,347 --> 00:07:49,139 Oh, okay. Well, we also sing duets. 234 00:07:49,366 --> 00:07:50,715 Do you like "Islands in the Stream"? 235 00:07:50,867 --> 00:07:52,458 Love it. Let's hear a little bit. 236 00:07:52,627 --> 00:07:54,311 Okay! Let's begin. 237 00:07:54,462 --> 00:07:56,646 Just walk ten feet so I can see your technique. 238 00:07:56,798 --> 00:07:58,206 -(grunting softly) -Hmm. 239 00:07:58,299 --> 00:07:59,757 It's a little... quick. 240 00:07:59,909 --> 00:08:01,485 Can I ask, are you picturing boats? 241 00:08:01,561 --> 00:08:04,321 You need to have a light, airy feeling in your whole body, 242 00:08:04,472 --> 00:08:05,972 so you really should be picturing boats. 243 00:08:06,140 --> 00:08:07,232 Watch me. 244 00:08:07,384 --> 00:08:10,051 The boat boy pace is step, pause, step 245 00:08:10,144 --> 00:08:12,329 and step, pause, step. 246 00:08:12,405 --> 00:08:13,497 Okay, and what was I doing? 247 00:08:13,648 --> 00:08:15,147 Step, step, step, step, step, step, step. 248 00:08:15,167 --> 00:08:16,558 Let's try again. 249 00:08:16,651 --> 00:08:18,317 Baby, I'm trying, but my legs just want to go. 250 00:08:18,337 --> 00:08:20,578 (chuckles): Oh, excuse us. We don't mean to interrupt. 251 00:08:20,747 --> 00:08:22,230 I'm Gavin, and this is my husband Luke. 252 00:08:22,249 --> 00:08:24,082 And this is Pet Midler and Dog-ara Hershey. 253 00:08:24,234 --> 00:08:26,510 Are you two practicing to be boat boys? 254 00:08:26,737 --> 00:08:29,179 Yep! I'm Ham. I've been a boat boy for years. 255 00:08:29,330 --> 00:08:31,239 This is my boyfriend Crispin. It's his first time. 256 00:08:31,332 --> 00:08:33,517 That's wonderful. We met when we were boat boys together. 257 00:08:33,668 --> 00:08:36,627 Actually, I believe the harmony we developed 258 00:08:36,780 --> 00:08:38,580 by walking together in unison is responsible 259 00:08:38,673 --> 00:08:40,840 for the success of our long and happy marriage. 260 00:08:40,934 --> 00:08:44,269 Being in sync with your partner in every single possible way 261 00:08:44,437 --> 00:08:45,678 is so important. 262 00:08:45,772 --> 00:08:47,605 Like, for instance, us, we're both color-blind, 263 00:08:47,699 --> 00:08:50,108 we both love to have playful ingredient fights 264 00:08:50,202 --> 00:08:51,350 when we make tiramisu. 265 00:08:51,444 --> 00:08:53,185 We have identical resting heart rates. 266 00:08:53,205 --> 00:08:54,445 -(chuckles) 67. -67. 267 00:08:54,540 --> 00:08:56,781 And neither of us has ever seen the show Lost. 268 00:08:56,933 --> 00:08:59,042 Anyway, we hope you don't mind, but we have some thoughts. 269 00:08:59,193 --> 00:09:01,378 Ham, you were a pleasure to watch. 270 00:09:01,605 --> 00:09:03,029 With a stride like that... (chuckles) 271 00:09:03,123 --> 00:09:04,289 ...who needs the boat? 272 00:09:04,441 --> 00:09:06,216 Now, Crispin, we love your enthusiasm... 273 00:09:06,443 --> 00:09:07,792 Love it. You can't fake that. You just can't. 274 00:09:07,944 --> 00:09:10,962 But you're too fast and moving at all the wrong times. 275 00:09:11,114 --> 00:09:12,222 I think he's getting it. 276 00:09:12,449 --> 00:09:14,282 We'll be in sync by competition day, no doubt. 277 00:09:14,451 --> 00:09:15,950 Hmm. Okay, if you say so. 278 00:09:15,969 --> 00:09:17,376 Yeah, maybe you two will sync up. 279 00:09:17,396 --> 00:09:18,711 And if you don't, it doesn't mean 280 00:09:18,805 --> 00:09:20,397 your relationship won't work out. 281 00:09:20,548 --> 00:09:22,232 I hope we've put your minds at ease. 282 00:09:22,401 --> 00:09:23,458 Happy strutting! 283 00:09:23,476 --> 00:09:25,293 -Huh. -Yeah. 284 00:09:25,312 --> 00:09:27,404 -Should we... -Try to get more in sync? Yes. 285 00:09:27,631 --> 00:09:28,554 -Let's go. -Crispin! 286 00:09:28,574 --> 00:09:29,631 Come back! 287 00:09:29,724 --> 00:09:31,316 PEPPERS: Mr. Tobin, we only have 288 00:09:31,392 --> 00:09:33,577 four days left till the Cavalcade of Ships. 289 00:09:33,728 --> 00:09:35,412 Will my jaw be dropping today? 290 00:09:35,639 --> 00:09:38,731 Mayor Peppers, we really tried, but... I'll say it-- 291 00:09:38,825 --> 00:09:41,643 the men in this town are pleasant-looking, at best. 292 00:09:41,736 --> 00:09:42,586 We let you down. 293 00:09:42,754 --> 00:09:44,904 If I could somehow make a man, I would. 294 00:09:44,998 --> 00:09:46,906 I can make you a man! 295 00:09:47,000 --> 00:09:47,982 -(gasping) -What? 296 00:09:48,001 --> 00:09:48,925 A wooden man. 297 00:09:49,077 --> 00:09:50,910 Sexiest man you've ever seen. 298 00:09:51,004 --> 00:09:52,411 You all know me. I'm Archie, 299 00:09:52,505 --> 00:09:54,246 professional whittler of wooden wives. 300 00:09:54,266 --> 00:09:57,917 I make them for lonely sailors to take out upon the high seas 301 00:09:57,936 --> 00:10:00,103 to help 'em get through the lonely nights. 302 00:10:00,330 --> 00:10:01,921 Ok, um, sorry, but you can't just force 303 00:10:01,940 --> 00:10:03,665 wooden women into marriages. 304 00:10:03,683 --> 00:10:05,350 What if they want to pursue careers or travel? 305 00:10:05,502 --> 00:10:07,518 They can. Several of them are nurses, 306 00:10:07,613 --> 00:10:09,838 and one's a professional skateboarder. 307 00:10:09,856 --> 00:10:11,356 Look, the point is this-- 308 00:10:11,450 --> 00:10:13,675 for the right price, I can make your sexy man. 309 00:10:13,693 --> 00:10:15,952 A man so good-looking you'll quit sleep 310 00:10:16,104 --> 00:10:18,121 'cause you can't take your eyes off of him. 311 00:10:18,272 --> 00:10:21,440 Handsome? No, he's hand-all. 312 00:10:21,534 --> 00:10:23,201 (gasping, murmuring) 313 00:10:23,353 --> 00:10:25,111 So, who can you make the wooden man look like? 314 00:10:25,205 --> 00:10:26,521 Denzel Washington? 315 00:10:26,539 --> 00:10:28,298 Let's make him look like my ex, Chab Smoot. 316 00:10:28,525 --> 00:10:30,449 He had a little tail you could steer him around with. 317 00:10:30,469 --> 00:10:34,304 Trust me, what I make will be beyond your wildest imaginings. 318 00:10:34,455 --> 00:10:36,714 Guys, no. We shouldn't play God like this. 319 00:10:36,867 --> 00:10:39,476 We should if it means we cut off Whippleton's butt cheeks 320 00:10:39,627 --> 00:10:41,460 and clap them together like cymbals! 321 00:10:41,480 --> 00:10:42,646 That's the spirit! 322 00:10:42,797 --> 00:10:44,481 -Let's eat Ted's Folly alive! -(crowd cheers) 323 00:10:44,632 --> 00:10:46,149 So it's settled-- we're gonna pay a guy 324 00:10:46,300 --> 00:10:47,466 to carve us a wooden hunk 325 00:10:47,602 --> 00:10:49,394 so that Lone Moose can win the boat parade 326 00:10:49,546 --> 00:10:52,380 and get ourselves a sexy little snack plaque. 327 00:10:52,473 --> 00:10:53,698 (cheering) 328 00:10:56,736 --> 00:10:59,554 I can't wait to see what Archie is cooking up for us. 329 00:10:59,572 --> 00:11:01,981 Son, I have to admit-- I have some concerns about this. 330 00:11:02,000 --> 00:11:05,576 I'm not sure how we're gonna get a wood man to steer the boat. 331 00:11:05,671 --> 00:11:06,895 Oh, don't worry about that. 332 00:11:06,913 --> 00:11:08,579 You'll be the one steering the boat. 333 00:11:08,748 --> 00:11:10,565 You can crouch down, out of sight, in the wheelhouse. 334 00:11:10,583 --> 00:11:12,676 All right. If it helps the town win, 335 00:11:12,903 --> 00:11:14,919 I'll be the person behind the scenes, 336 00:11:15,071 --> 00:11:16,179 like Nicole Holofcener, 337 00:11:16,330 --> 00:11:18,348 director of Enough Said. 338 00:11:18,499 --> 00:11:22,577 Greetings. Let us now uncover the man within the wood. 339 00:11:22,579 --> 00:11:25,188 I've got some rough sketches for you to look over. 340 00:11:25,415 --> 00:11:26,856 Oh, these aren't right. Hotter. 341 00:11:27,008 --> 00:11:28,340 Hotter! He's got to be hotter! 342 00:11:28,435 --> 00:11:30,935 This one wood fellow seems rather attractive. 343 00:11:31,104 --> 00:11:32,437 Yeah, he's double-take hot, 344 00:11:32,513 --> 00:11:34,346 but we need "the bartender is so distracted 345 00:11:34,366 --> 00:11:35,532 "when the wooden man walks in 346 00:11:35,683 --> 00:11:38,092 that he overfills a glass of beer" hot! 347 00:11:38,111 --> 00:11:39,685 I think I know what to do. 348 00:11:39,705 --> 00:11:42,354 I've got this irresistible piece of driftwood 349 00:11:42,374 --> 00:11:44,949 that I found on the shore after a lightning storm. 350 00:11:45,101 --> 00:11:48,561 Mother Ocean's been lapping her tongue on this stud for decades 351 00:11:48,563 --> 00:11:51,548 to make him virile and intoxicating. 352 00:11:51,699 --> 00:11:54,366 Okay, I can't believe I'm saying this, but I get it. 353 00:11:54,386 --> 00:11:57,203 This must be how God felt when he first saw the wood 354 00:11:57,297 --> 00:11:58,888 he was gonna carve Brad Pitt from. 355 00:11:59,115 --> 00:12:00,873 Archie, I'm saying I do 356 00:12:00,967 --> 00:12:02,951 and I would to this wood. 357 00:12:02,969 --> 00:12:05,286 Okay. One final question, 358 00:12:05,379 --> 00:12:07,505 should the wooden man be... functional? 359 00:12:07,566 --> 00:12:08,380 No! 360 00:12:08,400 --> 00:12:09,899 Wait, is it the same price? 361 00:12:10,126 --> 00:12:11,234 -Wolf, no. -Wolf, no. 362 00:12:11,385 --> 00:12:13,552 All right. Whole new day of practice. 363 00:12:13,572 --> 00:12:15,646 I'm pretty sure I can slow myself down. 364 00:12:15,799 --> 00:12:17,240 And I'll try to speed myself up. 365 00:12:17,391 --> 00:12:19,242 Soon, we'll be syncin' like Lincoln. 366 00:12:19,469 --> 00:12:20,985 One, two, three. 367 00:12:21,137 --> 00:12:22,394 (yells) 368 00:12:22,414 --> 00:12:24,155 One, two, three. 369 00:12:24,307 --> 00:12:25,356 Nope, that's not it. 370 00:12:25,508 --> 00:12:26,657 What if we tried holding hands? 371 00:12:26,752 --> 00:12:29,085 Mm, I feel like we should really focus on walking. 372 00:12:29,237 --> 00:12:31,904 I meant holding hands while we're walking. 373 00:12:31,923 --> 00:12:32,905 Oh. Right. 374 00:12:32,924 --> 00:12:34,591 One, two, three. 375 00:12:34,667 --> 00:12:35,741 We're doing it. 376 00:12:35,835 --> 00:12:37,543 -We're perfectly in sync. -Yeah! Finally! 377 00:12:37,596 --> 00:12:40,246 -Uh-oh! (yells) -(yells) 378 00:12:40,265 --> 00:12:41,765 -Maybe we should just give up. -(sighs) 379 00:12:41,992 --> 00:12:44,659 We'll never be as in sync as that other couple with their... 380 00:12:44,752 --> 00:12:47,920 sweaters and their perfectly in sync dogs. 381 00:12:47,939 --> 00:12:49,664 (gasps) The dogs! Yes! 382 00:12:49,682 --> 00:12:51,849 I think I'm having a great idea. 383 00:12:51,943 --> 00:12:52,942 That we should steal the dogs? 384 00:12:53,169 --> 00:12:54,260 What? No. 385 00:12:54,279 --> 00:12:55,594 Oh. Right. Let's not steal the dogs. 386 00:12:55,688 --> 00:12:56,671 I don't want to steal them. 387 00:12:56,689 --> 00:12:58,172 We wait for them to run away 388 00:12:58,191 --> 00:13:00,191 and then we just let them live with us. 389 00:13:00,268 --> 00:13:01,509 PEPPERS: All right, Wolf Tobin 390 00:13:01,602 --> 00:13:03,678 -is here and... -We want to see some log! 391 00:13:03,696 --> 00:13:05,437 Oh, I'm so sorry, everyone. 392 00:13:05,532 --> 00:13:06,772 He couldn't make it. 393 00:13:06,866 --> 00:13:10,126 But there's someone else who'd like to say hello. 394 00:13:10,278 --> 00:13:11,853 Guys, meet my best friend, 395 00:13:11,871 --> 00:13:13,704 our new Cavalcade of Ships captain! 396 00:13:13,781 --> 00:13:17,375 -(cheering) -And, look, his little arm even waves! Isn't that fun? 397 00:13:17,469 --> 00:13:20,119 -Does this nice young man have a name? -Not yet. 398 00:13:20,138 --> 00:13:23,622 I've got it! He should be named Bernard Particle-Board. 399 00:13:23,642 --> 00:13:25,124 His last name is hyphenated because he decided 400 00:13:25,143 --> 00:13:26,217 to take his wife's name. 401 00:13:26,311 --> 00:13:27,977 Her name is Theresa Particle. 402 00:13:28,146 --> 00:13:30,462 She keeps a small apartment in the city just for writing and... 403 00:13:30,482 --> 00:13:33,132 Love the backstory, Judy, but "Bernard Particle-Board" 404 00:13:33,226 --> 00:13:34,150 is a real mouthful. 405 00:13:34,302 --> 00:13:35,968 What about "Todd Hottsworth"? 406 00:13:35,987 --> 00:13:37,320 And we can call him "Hot Toddy." 407 00:13:37,471 --> 00:13:38,822 -Ah! -Oh! -(murmuring) 408 00:13:38,990 --> 00:13:41,716 A tall thermos of Hot Toddy coming right up! 409 00:13:41,734 --> 00:13:43,809 ♪ And we can build this dream together... ♪ 410 00:13:43,903 --> 00:13:46,312 WOLF: To watch the movie Mannequin through Todd's eyes? Wow. 411 00:13:46,331 --> 00:13:47,646 It's like a whole new film. 412 00:13:47,740 --> 00:13:49,481 -(music stops) -The DVD cover was right. 413 00:13:49,501 --> 00:13:52,076 "When she comes to life, anything can happen." 414 00:13:52,170 --> 00:13:53,485 Maybe I should get a moped 415 00:13:53,505 --> 00:13:55,371 so Todd and I can cruise around Lone Moose 416 00:13:55,523 --> 00:13:56,914 doing high fives and whatnot. 417 00:13:57,008 --> 00:13:58,232 We should get to bed. 418 00:13:58,326 --> 00:13:59,658 We've got the Cavalcade of Ships tomorrow. 419 00:13:59,736 --> 00:14:01,569 -Ready to go home, babe? -I'll meet you there. 420 00:14:01,588 --> 00:14:03,588 Gonna spend a little quality time with Todd. 421 00:14:03,740 --> 00:14:06,665 But don't worry-- I'll make sure he gets his beauty rest. 422 00:14:06,685 --> 00:14:08,351 What a day, huh? 423 00:14:08,502 --> 00:14:10,912 I got to say, you're positively glowing. 424 00:14:11,005 --> 00:14:12,597 I guess that's just the varnish, 425 00:14:12,749 --> 00:14:14,265 but, hey, if it ain't broke, huh? (chuckles) 426 00:14:14,417 --> 00:14:16,250 Now, let me tell you a little about myself. 427 00:14:16,344 --> 00:14:17,768 I was 22 pounds at birth 428 00:14:17,863 --> 00:14:21,030 because my mom just absolutely refused to go to the hospital... 429 00:14:21,182 --> 00:14:22,348 And that's why I'm scared to death 430 00:14:22,367 --> 00:14:23,608 of those apple-throwing trees 431 00:14:23,702 --> 00:14:26,277 from The Wizard of Oz. 432 00:14:26,429 --> 00:14:27,996 (snoring) 433 00:14:29,099 --> 00:14:30,598 (smoke detector beeping) 434 00:14:30,691 --> 00:14:31,541 (screams) No! 435 00:14:31,768 --> 00:14:34,026 (crying): No! No! No! No! 436 00:14:34,045 --> 00:14:35,712 No, no, no, no, no, no, no! 437 00:14:35,939 --> 00:14:38,623 What have I done?! Half his beautiful face is burned off! 438 00:14:38,717 --> 00:14:41,200 We were just having a few drinks, shooting the breeze! 439 00:14:41,219 --> 00:14:42,627 It should have been me instead. 440 00:14:42,779 --> 00:14:45,555 No, son, it should not have been you that was burned alive 441 00:14:45,706 --> 00:14:47,131 instead of this wooden man. 442 00:14:47,225 --> 00:14:48,449 What are we gonna do? 443 00:14:48,451 --> 00:14:49,875 The whole town was counting on him! 444 00:14:49,969 --> 00:14:50,894 On me. 445 00:14:51,062 --> 00:14:52,044 -Maybe we can fix him? -(sighs) 446 00:14:52,138 --> 00:14:53,545 I guess we owe it to Todd-- 447 00:14:53,640 --> 00:14:55,289 and the town-- to try. 448 00:14:55,291 --> 00:14:57,625 Okay, so I used a little bit of spackle 449 00:14:57,718 --> 00:14:58,735 and a little bit of paint 450 00:14:58,962 --> 00:15:00,386 and then I sprayed him with Dad's cologne, 451 00:15:00,405 --> 00:15:02,221 just to give him a boost of confidence. 452 00:15:02,315 --> 00:15:03,648 -What do you guys think? -HONEYBEE: Yikes. 453 00:15:03,800 --> 00:15:05,224 Never said "yikes" before, but it felt right. 454 00:15:05,243 --> 00:15:06,910 Wolf, he's disgusting. 455 00:15:07,061 --> 00:15:08,136 Frang it! 456 00:15:08,154 --> 00:15:09,637 Well, why don't we just shift gears 457 00:15:09,656 --> 00:15:12,640 and have a regular, human, non-hot captain? 458 00:15:12,733 --> 00:15:14,659 No. I won't sideline Todd. 459 00:15:14,811 --> 00:15:16,144 He's worked too hard for this. 460 00:15:16,237 --> 00:15:17,921 Trust me, Todd's got this. 461 00:15:18,072 --> 00:15:20,089 Todd's got this by the ass! 462 00:15:24,078 --> 00:15:26,286 -Hey, that slime is fun. -Then I have failed, 463 00:15:26,489 --> 00:15:28,156 because it represents our melting glaciers, 464 00:15:28,249 --> 00:15:29,507 and there's nothing fun about that. 465 00:15:29,601 --> 00:15:31,342 All right, everybody shut your slime holes. 466 00:15:31,419 --> 00:15:32,769 It's time to go over the plan. 467 00:15:32,996 --> 00:15:34,996 Honeybee, Judy and I will lay on the deck 468 00:15:35,089 --> 00:15:37,941 and use ropes to turn Todd so that he appears lifelike. 469 00:15:38,092 --> 00:15:40,426 And so no one sees the burned part of his face. 470 00:15:40,445 --> 00:15:43,187 Meanwhile, Dad will actually be the one steering 471 00:15:43,264 --> 00:15:44,596 -from the wheelhouse. -Copy that. 472 00:15:44,691 --> 00:15:47,675 And, Moon, you'll keep us aligned with the boat boys' pace 473 00:15:47,768 --> 00:15:48,618 -on the shore. -Tobins. 474 00:15:48,769 --> 00:15:49,935 -(yelps) -Ah-ha! Mayor! 475 00:15:49,955 --> 00:15:51,345 So good to see you! 476 00:15:51,364 --> 00:15:52,680 Not as good as it will be to see that plaque 477 00:15:52,773 --> 00:15:55,183 that says "Best Boat Town" at the end of the day. 478 00:15:55,201 --> 00:15:56,960 Now, where is that wooden wonder Todd? 479 00:15:57,111 --> 00:15:58,352 Uh, he's... resting! 480 00:15:58,371 --> 00:16:00,021 But don't worry-- he's still hot! 481 00:16:00,039 --> 00:16:01,464 And nothing bad has happened to him. 482 00:16:01,615 --> 00:16:02,781 Okay... 483 00:16:02,875 --> 00:16:04,634 The way you're saying that makes it sound like 484 00:16:04,711 --> 00:16:05,969 something bad has happened. 485 00:16:06,196 --> 00:16:07,786 (chuckles): Oh, no, I didn't mean that at all. 486 00:16:07,880 --> 00:16:10,548 Because it's very weird that you would bring that up. 487 00:16:10,624 --> 00:16:11,415 Do you see my point? 488 00:16:11,476 --> 00:16:12,867 Don't worry. This is just what 489 00:16:12,885 --> 00:16:14,310 my husband is like when he's nervous. 490 00:16:14,537 --> 00:16:16,704 We'll be chanting "Best Boat Town" in no time at all. 491 00:16:16,797 --> 00:16:19,482 Wonderful. Because winning that plaque is the only thing 492 00:16:19,742 --> 00:16:22,151 that could bring happiness to an entire town 493 00:16:22,378 --> 00:16:24,636 that is holding on by the thinnest of threads. 494 00:16:24,656 --> 00:16:25,880 Good! Because, again... 495 00:16:25,973 --> 00:16:27,639 (chuckles): nothing bad has happened. 496 00:16:27,734 --> 00:16:30,384 -(crazed laugh) -Wolf, do not start that again. 497 00:16:30,478 --> 00:16:31,886 Bye, Mayor Peppers! 498 00:16:31,904 --> 00:16:33,738 ANNOUNCER: And let's hear one final round of applause 499 00:16:33,832 --> 00:16:35,873 -for Whippleton! -(cheering and applause) 500 00:16:35,983 --> 00:16:37,074 BEEF: Ooh, Whippleton. 501 00:16:37,168 --> 00:16:39,485 "Look at us. We have two dumps." 502 00:16:39,504 --> 00:16:41,671 ANNOUNCER: And coming up next, Death Cliff! 503 00:16:41,822 --> 00:16:45,008 -(cheering and applause) -Hospices are the deepest bummer I can think of, 504 00:16:45,235 --> 00:16:47,068 but, damn, if Jammers isn't pulling it off. 505 00:16:47,161 --> 00:16:48,919 -Let's go boat! -Let's go boat! 506 00:16:49,014 --> 00:16:50,921 Look at that robust gait. 507 00:16:51,090 --> 00:16:52,298 Yeah, they're good. 508 00:16:52,408 --> 00:16:53,499 Now, are you sure you're okay 509 00:16:53,518 --> 00:16:55,184 with us wearing this little doggie leash? 510 00:16:55,336 --> 00:16:58,021 Yes. This is the only way to truly stay in sync. 511 00:16:58,172 --> 00:16:59,505 We'll show Gavin and Luke 512 00:16:59,673 --> 00:17:01,340 they aren't the only perfectly in sync couple in town. 513 00:17:01,434 --> 00:17:03,918 Oh, who, uh... who's the other one? 514 00:17:04,011 --> 00:17:05,028 -Us! -Oh, right. 515 00:17:05,255 --> 00:17:06,029 Now I get what you're saying. 516 00:17:06,256 --> 00:17:07,421 Let's go boat! 517 00:17:07,590 --> 00:17:09,532 Okay, save that magic for the show, hon. 518 00:17:09,759 --> 00:17:11,108 ANNOUNCER: Now entering the cavalcade, 519 00:17:11,202 --> 00:17:13,536 steered by Captain Todd Hottsworth, 520 00:17:13,763 --> 00:17:16,447 let's hear three cheers for Lone Moose! 521 00:17:16,599 --> 00:17:18,599 -(cheering and applause) -Whoa, the slime is really slippery, Judy. 522 00:17:18,618 --> 00:17:21,377 Yeah, well, so is the problem of climate change. 523 00:17:21,529 --> 00:17:23,880 -Let's go boat! -Let's go boat! 524 00:17:24,107 --> 00:17:26,382 -Go, Dad! -Okay, Todd, this is it. 525 00:17:26,534 --> 00:17:27,550 Time to shine. 526 00:17:27,701 --> 00:17:29,385 Is he pulling it off? Is he wowing them? 527 00:17:29,612 --> 00:17:31,054 ♪ ♪ 528 00:17:31,205 --> 00:17:33,114 ♪ I look in your eyes ♪ 529 00:17:33,132 --> 00:17:35,224 ♪ And it's just like the first time... ♪ 530 00:17:35,301 --> 00:17:37,727 I'm gonna leave my family for that captain. 531 00:17:37,954 --> 00:17:39,970 (cheering) 532 00:17:40,123 --> 00:17:41,064 Of course he is. 533 00:17:41,215 --> 00:17:42,899 He's ding dang doing it. 534 00:17:43,050 --> 00:17:43,900 You got it. 535 00:17:44,051 --> 00:17:46,736 Step, pause, step, pause. 536 00:17:46,887 --> 00:17:48,887 -Let's go boat! -Let's go boat! 537 00:17:48,981 --> 00:17:50,722 (laughing in sync) 538 00:17:50,742 --> 00:17:53,801 Crispin, listen, it may be too late for this now, 539 00:17:53,820 --> 00:17:55,227 since we're already walking, but, 540 00:17:55,396 --> 00:17:57,488 those perfectly in sync guys, they creep me out. 541 00:17:57,640 --> 00:18:00,065 I don't think couples are supposed to be exactly alike. 542 00:18:00,234 --> 00:18:01,417 Who cares if you walk faster? 543 00:18:01,569 --> 00:18:03,753 Yeah, and so what if I like spaghetti 544 00:18:03,904 --> 00:18:04,921 and you like fettuccini? 545 00:18:05,090 --> 00:18:06,756 It's all the same under the sauce. 546 00:18:06,983 --> 00:18:08,149 We like different things sometimes, 547 00:18:08,242 --> 00:18:09,425 but that doesn't bother us. 548 00:18:09,577 --> 00:18:11,427 And that's pretty freakin' cool if you ask me. 549 00:18:11,579 --> 00:18:14,155 And we are in sync on something-- 550 00:18:14,248 --> 00:18:15,431 we like each other very much. 551 00:18:15,658 --> 00:18:17,341 So are you saying what I think you're saying? 552 00:18:17,493 --> 00:18:21,420 Yes. Let's unclip and each go boat at our own pace. 553 00:18:21,439 --> 00:18:23,848 -Let's go... boat! -Let's go boat! Let's go boat! 554 00:18:24,000 --> 00:18:25,257 -Let's go... boat! -Let's go boat! 555 00:18:25,351 --> 00:18:27,852 The boat boys are moving at two different speeds. 556 00:18:27,946 --> 00:18:28,927 Who do I follow? 557 00:18:28,947 --> 00:18:31,531 Uh, I guess the faster one? 558 00:18:32,283 --> 00:18:33,599 (yelping) 559 00:18:33,618 --> 00:18:37,102 Uh-oh! Can't let anyone see Todd's singed shame! 560 00:18:37,122 --> 00:18:38,788 Oh, God, slime! 561 00:18:39,015 --> 00:18:39,847 Oh, no, no, no! 562 00:18:39,940 --> 00:18:41,415 Hang on, Todd! 563 00:18:42,109 --> 00:18:43,701 -No! -(yelling) 564 00:18:43,853 --> 00:18:45,002 (gasping) 565 00:18:46,780 --> 00:18:48,372 No! 566 00:18:48,524 --> 00:18:49,799 JUDGE: And the winner is... 567 00:18:50,026 --> 00:18:51,450 -Death Cliff! -(cheering and applause) 568 00:18:51,527 --> 00:18:52,543 Randy Jammers will accept the plaque. 569 00:18:52,695 --> 00:18:54,786 Thank you, Death Cliff. We are all so... 570 00:18:54,806 --> 00:18:56,472 Wait, excuse me! I need to say something! 571 00:18:56,699 --> 00:18:59,033 Hello. Wolf Tobin, Lone Moose. Nice to see ya. 572 00:18:59,051 --> 00:19:01,702 First of all, congratulations to Death Cliff. 573 00:19:01,871 --> 00:19:03,312 But that's not why I'm up here. 574 00:19:03,422 --> 00:19:06,223 I'm up here because I saw something special today. 575 00:19:06,317 --> 00:19:08,893 I saw a town that was disheartened 576 00:19:09,045 --> 00:19:12,563 by a washing machine in a river come together like never before. 577 00:19:12,715 --> 00:19:15,158 And we were brought together by one man. 578 00:19:15,326 --> 00:19:16,975 Someone who most people would ignore 579 00:19:17,069 --> 00:19:18,552 if they saw him on the street. 580 00:19:18,571 --> 00:19:19,904 "Oh, he doesn't count." 581 00:19:20,056 --> 00:19:21,330 "Uh, he's not real." 582 00:19:21,482 --> 00:19:24,909 "Oh, he's a carved piece of driftwood and is a statue." 583 00:19:25,003 --> 00:19:27,986 Yeah. Well, he may not be alive, 584 00:19:28,155 --> 00:19:29,821 but he does have a heart. 585 00:19:29,916 --> 00:19:31,340 The heart of Lone Moose! 586 00:19:31,567 --> 00:19:35,252 Look, did we only love Mr. Todd Hottsworth when he was hot? 587 00:19:35,405 --> 00:19:36,679 Oh, but then he gets decapitated. 588 00:19:36,906 --> 00:19:40,666 We just turn our backs on him. Well, not me. 589 00:19:40,834 --> 00:19:41,909 He gave us hope! 590 00:19:42,002 --> 00:19:44,169 And he's still my captain. 591 00:19:44,189 --> 00:19:46,414 And if he's still your captain, 592 00:19:46,432 --> 00:19:47,581 raise your hand! 593 00:19:47,600 --> 00:19:50,251 Come on, raise 'em up! 594 00:19:50,269 --> 00:19:52,086 He's a real man with a rich life! 595 00:19:52,104 --> 00:19:54,012 My sexual attraction to a pretend man 596 00:19:54,106 --> 00:19:56,348 helped me forget my troubles for a minute or two. 597 00:19:56,367 --> 00:19:57,925 We all loved him. All of us. 598 00:19:57,944 --> 00:20:01,019 And so what if we're not the best boat town? 599 00:20:01,113 --> 00:20:02,613 Wolf, are you kidding me? 600 00:20:02,707 --> 00:20:05,374 This whole town agreed to carve a wooden man 601 00:20:05,526 --> 00:20:06,876 and pretend he was a hunky captain 602 00:20:07,045 --> 00:20:09,879 just to win a plaque that means absolutely nothing! 603 00:20:10,048 --> 00:20:12,048 This is easily the best town. 604 00:20:12,199 --> 00:20:13,365 Right after Fresno. 605 00:20:13,384 --> 00:20:15,218 And Fresno doesn't even have boats! 606 00:20:15,369 --> 00:20:18,279 Making us the best boat town! 607 00:20:18,372 --> 00:20:19,964 Yeah. Maybe we did do it. 608 00:20:20,058 --> 00:20:21,707 Best boat town! 609 00:20:21,801 --> 00:20:23,451 CROWD: Best boat town! 610 00:20:23,469 --> 00:20:24,876 Best boat town! 611 00:20:24,971 --> 00:20:28,231 Okay. Thank you for... whatever that was. 612 00:20:28,382 --> 00:20:30,808 And, Randy, if you'd like to continue speaking... 613 00:20:30,960 --> 00:20:32,293 I, uh, can't follow that. 614 00:20:32,462 --> 00:20:34,962 So does the crowd mind if I just flex a little? 615 00:20:34,981 --> 00:20:36,130 VERA: Flex it, Randy! 616 00:20:36,148 --> 00:20:37,147 You did it, my boy. 617 00:20:37,242 --> 00:20:38,724 You saved the town. 618 00:20:38,743 --> 00:20:42,394 ♪ And we can build this dream together ♪ 619 00:20:42,488 --> 00:20:44,396 ♪ Standing strong forever ♪ 620 00:20:44,490 --> 00:20:47,399 ♪ Nothing's gonna stop us now ♪ 621 00:20:47,418 --> 00:20:49,669 ♪ Nothing's gonna stop us. ♪ 622 00:21:19,600 --> 00:21:21,284 ♪ Gimme, oh, gimme. ♪ 623 00:21:21,435 --> 00:21:23,452 Captioning sponsored by BENTO BOX ENTERTAINMENT 624 00:21:23,604 --> 00:21:24,704 and TOYOTA.