1
00:00:01,490 --> 00:00:04,174
-♪ Look up there ♪
-♪ What do you see? ♪
2
00:00:04,401 --> 00:00:05,901
♪ Nature and stuff ♪
3
00:00:05,919 --> 00:00:07,160
-♪ Like a rock ♪
-♪ And a tree ♪
4
00:00:07,254 --> 00:00:09,996
♪ Oh, the Great North ♪
5
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♪ Way up here,
you can breathe the air ♪
6
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♪ Catch some fish ♪
7
00:00:14,912 --> 00:00:16,503
♪ Or gaze at a bear ♪
8
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♪ Wow ♪
9
00:00:17,690 --> 00:00:21,174
♪ Oh, the Great North ♪
10
00:00:21,268 --> 00:00:22,417
♪ Here we live, oh, oh ♪
11
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♪ Here we'll stay, oh, whoo ♪
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♪ From longest night
to longest day ♪
13
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♪ In the Great North. ♪
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(cheering)
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PEPPERS:
Moving on,
16
00:00:36,024 --> 00:00:38,375
the annual Cavalcade of Ships
is almost upon us.
17
00:00:38,527 --> 00:00:40,285
It's time once again
for us to transform
18
00:00:40,379 --> 00:00:42,362
one of the town's boats
into a themed float,
19
00:00:42,381 --> 00:00:43,939
then parade it down the marina,
20
00:00:44,032 --> 00:00:46,275
competing against
the three nearest towns,
21
00:00:46,293 --> 00:00:48,368
Death Cliff, Whippleton
and Ted's Folly.
22
00:00:48,387 --> 00:00:50,203
-(booing)
-Screw Whippleton!
23
00:00:50,297 --> 00:00:52,539
Wow, you guys
all really hate other towns.
24
00:00:52,558 --> 00:00:53,448
We don't hate them.
25
00:00:53,467 --> 00:00:55,041
We just don't like them at all.
26
00:00:55,135 --> 00:00:56,376
Yeah. And we hate them.
27
00:00:56,470 --> 00:00:57,544
Yes. We hate them.
28
00:00:57,638 --> 00:00:58,637
Why?
29
00:00:58,806 --> 00:01:00,213
Sometimes
we get bored up here in Alaska.
30
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And rivalries are fun.
31
00:01:01,550 --> 00:01:03,475
Okay. Asked and answered,
Your Honor.
32
00:01:03,644 --> 00:01:06,645
Now Councilperson Toby the Eagle
will select the ship
33
00:01:06,739 --> 00:01:08,630
representing our town this year.
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00:01:08,799 --> 00:01:10,223
The Mighty Kathleen,
35
00:01:10,242 --> 00:01:11,466
captained by Beef Tobin.
36
00:01:11,485 --> 00:01:14,152
-(cheering)
-We're all wishing you the best,
37
00:01:14,305 --> 00:01:15,728
even though we know
there's no way
38
00:01:15,748 --> 00:01:17,322
in Lucifer's loafers we'll win.
39
00:01:17,474 --> 00:01:19,399
Wait, why is everyone
acting so down?
40
00:01:19,493 --> 00:01:20,492
I'm sure we can win.
41
00:01:20,644 --> 00:01:22,160
This family is very good
at boat stuff.
42
00:01:22,254 --> 00:01:23,662
Well,
my New-to-the-North Nympho...
43
00:01:23,756 --> 00:01:26,256
-Wolf, we've talked
about that name.
-Sorry. Yep.
44
00:01:26,408 --> 00:01:28,592
While everyone does love
the Cavalcade of Ships--
45
00:01:28,819 --> 00:01:31,578
it's a proud tradition that
goes back hundreds of years--
46
00:01:31,655 --> 00:01:32,763
our town never wins.
47
00:01:32,914 --> 00:01:34,339
-And we hate that.
-PEPPERS: Yep.
48
00:01:34,416 --> 00:01:36,767
Death Cliff and their captain,
Randy Jammers,
49
00:01:36,936 --> 00:01:38,585
have won
the last ten years in a row.
50
00:01:38,753 --> 00:01:40,679
What does the winning town get,
a million dollars?
51
00:01:40,831 --> 00:01:42,180
Better than a million dollars.
52
00:01:42,333 --> 00:01:44,349
A plaque
that says "Best Boat Town."
53
00:01:44,501 --> 00:01:46,259
So it's a silly contest
with a meaningless prize
54
00:01:46,353 --> 00:01:48,186
but we all care
an insane amount about it?
55
00:01:48,339 --> 00:01:49,947
You just described
all of sports,
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00:01:50,098 --> 00:01:51,857
every competitive reality show
57
00:01:52,009 --> 00:01:52,932
and life itself.
58
00:01:52,952 --> 00:01:54,434
But, that said, yes.
59
00:01:54,453 --> 00:01:57,195
And, boy, would we love
to get our hands on that plaque.
60
00:01:57,289 --> 00:01:58,438
Because, let's face it,
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00:01:58,532 --> 00:02:00,290
as a town,
we've had a hard year.
62
00:02:00,442 --> 00:02:03,852
A hooligan spray-painted a Smurf
on our only overpass.
63
00:02:03,871 --> 00:02:05,354
I'm still upset
that someone left
64
00:02:05,372 --> 00:02:06,463
a washing machine in the river.
65
00:02:06,615 --> 00:02:08,373
And who can forget
last Christmas,
66
00:02:08,525 --> 00:02:10,525
when we thought
someone was doing skywriting
67
00:02:10,544 --> 00:02:12,544
but it turned out
to be a plane crash.
68
00:02:12,696 --> 00:02:16,306
The point is we could really use
a win this year for town morale.
69
00:02:16,458 --> 00:02:18,049
We can't compete
with Death Cliff. No one can.
70
00:02:18,202 --> 00:02:20,869
Maybe we should attack them
and kill Randy Jammers!
71
00:02:20,962 --> 00:02:23,647
-(clamoring)
-It's worth considering!
-Guys, guys, guys!
72
00:02:23,798 --> 00:02:26,375
I know I'm new around here, but
I don't think it's impossible
73
00:02:26,393 --> 00:02:29,135
for us to become the best
boat town out of four towns!
74
00:02:29,229 --> 00:02:30,470
I love Lone Moose,
75
00:02:30,564 --> 00:02:32,230
and it's the best boat town
in my book.
76
00:02:32,324 --> 00:02:34,399
Maybe we can win again.
77
00:02:34,493 --> 00:02:37,402
My dad's gonna be the captain,
and he's always winning!
78
00:02:37,496 --> 00:02:39,496
It's true. Just last night,
I gave him a trophy
79
00:02:39,648 --> 00:02:42,073
for Most Reassuring Hug
that I made him myself.
80
00:02:42,168 --> 00:02:43,408
It was an honor, son.
81
00:02:43,502 --> 00:02:45,076
And I'll be in charge
of the float design!
82
00:02:45,171 --> 00:02:47,579
And I can be Judy's
grumpy foreman who says stuff
83
00:02:47,731 --> 00:02:49,006
like "That'll be the day."
84
00:02:49,157 --> 00:02:51,249
And I have always wanted
to save a town,
85
00:02:51,343 --> 00:02:53,677
ideally through dancing,
but this'll be good, too.
86
00:02:53,904 --> 00:02:55,070
Best Boat Town!
87
00:02:55,088 --> 00:02:56,513
CROWD:
Best Boat Town!
88
00:02:56,665 --> 00:02:58,073
Best Boat Town!
89
00:02:58,091 --> 00:02:59,925
Okay, Tobins, we have two weeks.
90
00:03:00,077 --> 00:03:01,410
Lone Moose is counting on you.
91
00:03:01,503 --> 00:03:03,745
And now our next matter,
Archie Scrimm.
92
00:03:03,838 --> 00:03:07,340
-Yeah.
-You were cited for
illegally cutting down a tree.
93
00:03:07,359 --> 00:03:10,027
I had to chop it down,
but it weren't malicious.
94
00:03:10,178 --> 00:03:11,528
I seen a woman trapped
inside it,
95
00:03:11,755 --> 00:03:13,922
and I had to free her
with my sculpting.
96
00:03:13,941 --> 00:03:15,199
Now she's my wife.
97
00:03:15,426 --> 00:03:16,700
HAM:
Thanks for getting us
those tickets
98
00:03:16,851 --> 00:03:18,109
to the monster truck rally.
99
00:03:18,278 --> 00:03:20,871
I love watching those cars
get crushed.
100
00:03:21,098 --> 00:03:22,522
Oh, I actually root
for the cars.
101
00:03:22,541 --> 00:03:24,875
Likely gonna be
a melancholy night for me.
102
00:03:25,102 --> 00:03:26,618
Well, speaking of
big, exciting events,
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00:03:26,770 --> 00:03:29,287
as you know, the Cavalcade
of Ships is coming up,
104
00:03:29,440 --> 00:03:31,440
and I am one
of the town's boat boys.
105
00:03:31,533 --> 00:03:32,290
Sure, you are, sweetie.
106
00:03:32,443 --> 00:03:34,109
You're the boat-iest boy I know.
107
00:03:34,202 --> 00:03:35,052
Crispin, no.
108
00:03:35,203 --> 00:03:36,536
It's part of the cavalcade.
109
00:03:36,555 --> 00:03:38,388
Every boat has a pair
of boat boys assigned to it.
110
00:03:38,615 --> 00:03:40,449
They walk along the shore,
guiding the pace of their boat
111
00:03:40,542 --> 00:03:42,559
while dressed in the ceremonial
boat boy attire.
112
00:03:42,786 --> 00:03:46,304
Ah, Lone Moose is a diamond with
a hundred glimmering facets.
113
00:03:46,457 --> 00:03:48,565
Sadly, my old boat boy partner,
Octavio,
114
00:03:48,717 --> 00:03:51,309
recently died of natural causes
at age 100.
115
00:03:51,403 --> 00:03:53,520
And I was wondering
if you would do me the honor
116
00:03:53,572 --> 00:03:55,722
of sharing in a dockside stride
with me.
117
00:03:55,741 --> 00:03:59,634
Hamantha, this all sounds fully
nuts and not really up my alley,
118
00:03:59,636 --> 00:04:02,304
but if it's important to you,
I'm in.
119
00:04:02,473 --> 00:04:03,396
WOLF:
Okay, if we want to win,
120
00:04:03,415 --> 00:04:05,565
I got to see
how other people won.
121
00:04:05,584 --> 00:04:08,477
I just have to study
every year's cavalcade.
122
00:04:08,495 --> 00:04:11,088
Wow. This guy's
one hell of a looker.
123
00:04:11,315 --> 00:04:12,572
Oh, come on, Wolf. Focus.
124
00:04:12,591 --> 00:04:14,758
You're not here
to scope out studs.
125
00:04:14,927 --> 00:04:16,318
Hello.
126
00:04:16,336 --> 00:04:19,671
Never saw a dreamboat
driving a steamboat before.
127
00:04:19,840 --> 00:04:20,764
Wait a minute.
128
00:04:20,915 --> 00:04:22,599
Hunk. Hunk. Stud.
129
00:04:22,768 --> 00:04:23,433
Hunk. Hunk.
130
00:04:23,585 --> 00:04:24,843
Babe! Smokeshow!
131
00:04:25,012 --> 00:04:28,254
It's like every captain
that ever won is a super hunk.
132
00:04:28,274 --> 00:04:29,773
Oh, my God, that's it.
133
00:04:30,000 --> 00:04:31,275
That's the secret!
134
00:04:31,426 --> 00:04:33,610
The boat with
the hottest captain always wins.
135
00:04:33,762 --> 00:04:35,094
I got to tell the town!
136
00:04:35,188 --> 00:04:37,781
Whew. Oh, no, I'm hunk drunk
at the library.
137
00:04:38,008 --> 00:04:39,432
I probably shouldn't drive home.
138
00:04:39,451 --> 00:04:41,009
HAM:
Well, what do you think?
139
00:04:41,102 --> 00:04:42,861
Wouldn't be my first choice,
140
00:04:43,013 --> 00:04:44,696
but I'm happy
to support your hobby.
141
00:04:44,848 --> 00:04:47,440
You didn't want to go to
the Museum of Lizards with me,
142
00:04:47,534 --> 00:04:49,108
but there you were, by my side,
143
00:04:49,202 --> 00:04:50,852
saying, "Can we leave now?"
144
00:04:50,871 --> 00:04:52,296
Oh, I loved when we left.
145
00:04:52,372 --> 00:04:54,298
What else should I know
about being a boat boy?
146
00:04:54,525 --> 00:04:57,116
Aside from how important it is
to the town, not much.
147
00:04:57,210 --> 00:04:58,951
It's literally
just walking slowly
148
00:04:58,971 --> 00:05:01,363
and then saying "Let's go boat!"
149
00:05:01,381 --> 00:05:02,531
Let's go boat.
150
00:05:02,699 --> 00:05:05,124
Incredible. You really haven't
done this before?
151
00:05:05,218 --> 00:05:07,385
Allow me
and my grumpy foreman Moon
152
00:05:07,538 --> 00:05:08,870
to present our boat float theme
153
00:05:08,889 --> 00:05:10,814
for this year's
Cavalcade of Ships!
154
00:05:11,041 --> 00:05:12,057
We give you...
155
00:05:12,133 --> 00:05:14,893
Lone Moose in the year 2050!
156
00:05:15,045 --> 00:05:16,987
Picture it-- melted glaciers,
157
00:05:17,138 --> 00:05:18,971
Internet troll droids.
158
00:05:19,066 --> 00:05:21,550
Giant plastic water bottles
with muscular legs.
159
00:05:21,643 --> 00:05:23,385
It's a wake-up call and I...
160
00:05:23,403 --> 00:05:25,570
-The theme doesn't matter!
-(murmuring)
-What are you talking about?
161
00:05:25,722 --> 00:05:28,907
I've figured out the secret to
winning the Cavalcade of Ships!
162
00:05:29,059 --> 00:05:30,149
We don't need a hot boat.
163
00:05:30,243 --> 00:05:32,243
We need a hot captain.
164
00:05:32,396 --> 00:05:33,986
-(gasping, murmuring)
-Like Randy Jammers.
165
00:05:34,006 --> 00:05:36,231
The hottest captain always wins.
166
00:05:36,324 --> 00:05:37,732
Look, I'll show you! Take a look
167
00:05:37,751 --> 00:05:39,509
at these vintage newspapers
I stole from the library.
168
00:05:39,736 --> 00:05:42,754
Wolf, I really wish you
hadn't stolen from the library.
169
00:05:42,906 --> 00:05:45,907
You already have thousands
of dollars in library fines.
170
00:05:46,000 --> 00:05:47,576
Yeah, yeah, and I'm good for it.
But look!
171
00:05:47,669 --> 00:05:50,336
These are the winning captains
from the last 40 years.
172
00:05:50,505 --> 00:05:52,839
Ted's Folly, 11 years ago--
hunk.
173
00:05:52,858 --> 00:05:54,916
Whippleton, 13 years ago-- babe.
174
00:05:54,918 --> 00:05:56,360
And there's more.
Hunk. Stallion.
175
00:05:56,545 --> 00:05:58,420
-Hot piece.
Stud. Absolute snack.
-(gasps)
176
00:05:58,438 --> 00:06:01,439
Folks, we are talking
elite-level handsomes
177
00:06:01,533 --> 00:06:02,424
across the board.
178
00:06:02,442 --> 00:06:03,942
Damn it, Wolf, you've done it.
179
00:06:04,036 --> 00:06:05,518
So what do we do, Wolf?
180
00:06:05,537 --> 00:06:07,429
We just need to find
the hottest guy we can
181
00:06:07,447 --> 00:06:09,539
and then make him
this year's captain.
182
00:06:09,691 --> 00:06:10,540
And what about the float?
183
00:06:10,692 --> 00:06:11,858
Uh, just make it sexy.
184
00:06:12,026 --> 00:06:13,377
A sexy float
to back up our hot captain.
185
00:06:13,528 --> 00:06:14,786
Okay. Okay, yeah.
186
00:06:14,938 --> 00:06:17,196
We'll just give the Internet
trolls large naturals.
187
00:06:17,290 --> 00:06:20,275
Am I to just hand command
of The Mighty Kathleen over
188
00:06:20,368 --> 00:06:22,368
to some pretty face
who can't steer?
189
00:06:22,462 --> 00:06:24,613
No, Dad, you'll still be
the actual captain.
190
00:06:24,706 --> 00:06:26,038
The hottie's just for show.
191
00:06:26,058 --> 00:06:27,206
He's crowd candy.
192
00:06:27,226 --> 00:06:28,541
And I know
what you're all thinking,
193
00:06:28,560 --> 00:06:30,285
and, yes,
my dad is known around town
194
00:06:30,378 --> 00:06:31,620
as a nice piece of business,
195
00:06:31,638 --> 00:06:34,046
but he's not what these vultures
are looking for.
196
00:06:34,124 --> 00:06:35,214
In order to find what we need,
197
00:06:35,234 --> 00:06:37,125
Honeybee and I
will hold hunk auditions.
198
00:06:37,144 --> 00:06:39,294
It's something we were gonna do
eventually anyway,
199
00:06:39,387 --> 00:06:40,720
so it'll be nice
to have an official reason.
200
00:06:40,739 --> 00:06:43,573
Then, Wolf, I give you
the full authority of my office
201
00:06:43,800 --> 00:06:46,910
to do whatever it takes
to find this very hot man.
202
00:06:47,079 --> 00:06:48,136
-(cheering)
-Yes! Yes!
203
00:06:48,155 --> 00:06:50,563
Let the Hunker Games begin!
204
00:06:50,641 --> 00:06:52,582
May the bods
be ever in our favor!
205
00:06:56,070 --> 00:06:58,922
Okay, number 53 is next.
Bring that hotness.
206
00:06:59,073 --> 00:07:00,815
It is I, Santiago Carpaccio.
207
00:07:00,834 --> 00:07:04,002
Mr. Carpaccio, have you
ever been hot professionally?
208
00:07:04,096 --> 00:07:05,837
No, this would be my first gig.
209
00:07:05,989 --> 00:07:07,097
That thing
you're doing with your body--
210
00:07:07,174 --> 00:07:08,323
is that part of the hotness?
211
00:07:08,416 --> 00:07:09,415
You tell me.
212
00:07:09,435 --> 00:07:10,249
I will tell you...
213
00:07:10,269 --> 00:07:11,826
that I love it personally,
214
00:07:11,828 --> 00:07:14,179
but we're going for
People's Sexiest Man here,
215
00:07:14,347 --> 00:07:15,997
and I don't think
the people are ready.
216
00:07:16,016 --> 00:07:17,348
Thank you for the opportunity.
217
00:07:17,501 --> 00:07:18,758
-HONEYBEE: Next!
-This is my cousin Ronnie.
218
00:07:18,777 --> 00:07:21,019
He's an arm model.
Show 'em the business, Ronnie.
219
00:07:21,171 --> 00:07:22,671
Sorry, but it's a pass.
220
00:07:22,764 --> 00:07:24,448
The forearms are doing
all the heavy lifting here.
221
00:07:24,599 --> 00:07:27,284
Unflex, Ronnie. No more freebies
for these fools.
222
00:07:27,435 --> 00:07:29,194
-Next!
-WOLF: Two of you.
223
00:07:29,346 --> 00:07:30,679
Okay, I'm intrigued.
224
00:07:30,772 --> 00:07:33,181
Okay, so I've got a rockin' bod
and Eric has a hot face.
225
00:07:33,274 --> 00:07:35,350
But put us together and...
226
00:07:35,368 --> 00:07:36,351
(grunts)
227
00:07:36,369 --> 00:07:37,109
Ta-da!
228
00:07:37,129 --> 00:07:38,295
Uh, give us a minute.
229
00:07:38,446 --> 00:07:40,188
Sure, it's got
a fun freak factor,
230
00:07:40,207 --> 00:07:42,357
but they are all jingle,
no jangle.
231
00:07:42,375 --> 00:07:44,450
Uh, we can hear you.
You're talking really loud.
232
00:07:44,544 --> 00:07:47,286
Uh, we were talking about,
uh, something... else.
233
00:07:47,347 --> 00:07:49,139
Oh, okay.
Well, we also sing duets.
234
00:07:49,366 --> 00:07:50,715
Do you like
"Islands in the Stream"?
235
00:07:50,867 --> 00:07:52,458
Love it.
Let's hear a little bit.
236
00:07:52,627 --> 00:07:54,311
Okay! Let's begin.
237
00:07:54,462 --> 00:07:56,646
Just walk ten feet
so I can see your technique.
238
00:07:56,798 --> 00:07:58,206
-(grunting softly)
-Hmm.
239
00:07:58,299 --> 00:07:59,757
It's a little... quick.
240
00:07:59,909 --> 00:08:01,485
Can I ask,
are you picturing boats?
241
00:08:01,561 --> 00:08:04,321
You need to have a light,
airy feeling in your whole body,
242
00:08:04,472 --> 00:08:05,972
so you really
should be picturing boats.
243
00:08:06,140 --> 00:08:07,232
Watch me.
244
00:08:07,384 --> 00:08:10,051
The boat boy pace
is step, pause, step
245
00:08:10,144 --> 00:08:12,329
and step, pause, step.
246
00:08:12,405 --> 00:08:13,497
Okay, and what was I doing?
247
00:08:13,648 --> 00:08:15,147
Step, step, step, step,
step, step, step.
248
00:08:15,167 --> 00:08:16,558
Let's try again.
249
00:08:16,651 --> 00:08:18,317
Baby, I'm trying,
but my legs just want to go.
250
00:08:18,337 --> 00:08:20,578
(chuckles): Oh, excuse us.
We don't mean to interrupt.
251
00:08:20,747 --> 00:08:22,230
I'm Gavin,
and this is my husband Luke.
252
00:08:22,249 --> 00:08:24,082
And this is Pet Midler
and Dog-ara Hershey.
253
00:08:24,234 --> 00:08:26,510
Are you two practicing
to be boat boys?
254
00:08:26,737 --> 00:08:29,179
Yep! I'm Ham.
I've been a boat boy for years.
255
00:08:29,330 --> 00:08:31,239
This is my boyfriend Crispin.
It's his first time.
256
00:08:31,332 --> 00:08:33,517
That's wonderful. We met
when we were boat boys together.
257
00:08:33,668 --> 00:08:36,627
Actually, I believe
the harmony we developed
258
00:08:36,780 --> 00:08:38,580
by walking together in unison
is responsible
259
00:08:38,673 --> 00:08:40,840
for the success
of our long and happy marriage.
260
00:08:40,934 --> 00:08:44,269
Being in sync with your partner
in every single possible way
261
00:08:44,437 --> 00:08:45,678
is so important.
262
00:08:45,772 --> 00:08:47,605
Like, for instance, us,
we're both color-blind,
263
00:08:47,699 --> 00:08:50,108
we both love to have
playful ingredient fights
264
00:08:50,202 --> 00:08:51,350
when we make tiramisu.
265
00:08:51,444 --> 00:08:53,185
We have
identical resting heart rates.
266
00:08:53,205 --> 00:08:54,445
-(chuckles) 67.
-67.
267
00:08:54,540 --> 00:08:56,781
And neither of us
has ever seen the show Lost.
268
00:08:56,933 --> 00:08:59,042
Anyway, we hope you don't mind,
but we have some thoughts.
269
00:08:59,193 --> 00:09:01,378
Ham, you were
a pleasure to watch.
270
00:09:01,605 --> 00:09:03,029
With a stride like that...
(chuckles)
271
00:09:03,123 --> 00:09:04,289
...who needs the boat?
272
00:09:04,441 --> 00:09:06,216
Now, Crispin,
we love your enthusiasm...
273
00:09:06,443 --> 00:09:07,792
Love it. You can't fake that.
You just can't.
274
00:09:07,944 --> 00:09:10,962
But you're too fast and moving
at all the wrong times.
275
00:09:11,114 --> 00:09:12,222
I think he's getting it.
276
00:09:12,449 --> 00:09:14,282
We'll be in sync
by competition day, no doubt.
277
00:09:14,451 --> 00:09:15,950
Hmm. Okay, if you say so.
278
00:09:15,969 --> 00:09:17,376
Yeah, maybe you two
will sync up.
279
00:09:17,396 --> 00:09:18,711
And if you don't,
it doesn't mean
280
00:09:18,805 --> 00:09:20,397
your relationship
won't work out.
281
00:09:20,548 --> 00:09:22,232
I hope
we've put your minds at ease.
282
00:09:22,401 --> 00:09:23,458
Happy strutting!
283
00:09:23,476 --> 00:09:25,293
-Huh.
-Yeah.
284
00:09:25,312 --> 00:09:27,404
-Should we...
-Try to get more in sync? Yes.
285
00:09:27,631 --> 00:09:28,554
-Let's go.
-Crispin!
286
00:09:28,574 --> 00:09:29,631
Come back!
287
00:09:29,724 --> 00:09:31,316
PEPPERS:
Mr. Tobin, we only have
288
00:09:31,392 --> 00:09:33,577
four days left
till the Cavalcade of Ships.
289
00:09:33,728 --> 00:09:35,412
Will my jaw be dropping today?
290
00:09:35,639 --> 00:09:38,731
Mayor Peppers, we really tried,
but... I'll say it--
291
00:09:38,825 --> 00:09:41,643
the men in this town
are pleasant-looking, at best.
292
00:09:41,736 --> 00:09:42,586
We let you down.
293
00:09:42,754 --> 00:09:44,904
If I could somehow make a man,
I would.
294
00:09:44,998 --> 00:09:46,906
I can make you a man!
295
00:09:47,000 --> 00:09:47,982
-(gasping)
-What?
296
00:09:48,001 --> 00:09:48,925
A wooden man.
297
00:09:49,077 --> 00:09:50,910
Sexiest man you've ever seen.
298
00:09:51,004 --> 00:09:52,411
You all know me. I'm Archie,
299
00:09:52,505 --> 00:09:54,246
professional whittler
of wooden wives.
300
00:09:54,266 --> 00:09:57,917
I make them for lonely sailors
to take out upon the high seas
301
00:09:57,936 --> 00:10:00,103
to help 'em
get through the lonely nights.
302
00:10:00,330 --> 00:10:01,921
Ok, um, sorry,
but you can't just force
303
00:10:01,940 --> 00:10:03,665
wooden women into marriages.
304
00:10:03,683 --> 00:10:05,350
What if they want
to pursue careers or travel?
305
00:10:05,502 --> 00:10:07,518
They can.
Several of them are nurses,
306
00:10:07,613 --> 00:10:09,838
and one's
a professional skateboarder.
307
00:10:09,856 --> 00:10:11,356
Look, the point is this--
308
00:10:11,450 --> 00:10:13,675
for the right price,
I can make your sexy man.
309
00:10:13,693 --> 00:10:15,952
A man so good-looking
you'll quit sleep
310
00:10:16,104 --> 00:10:18,121
'cause you can't take your eyes
off of him.
311
00:10:18,272 --> 00:10:21,440
Handsome? No, he's hand-all.
312
00:10:21,534 --> 00:10:23,201
(gasping, murmuring)
313
00:10:23,353 --> 00:10:25,111
So, who can you make
the wooden man look like?
314
00:10:25,205 --> 00:10:26,521
Denzel Washington?
315
00:10:26,539 --> 00:10:28,298
Let's make him look like my ex,
Chab Smoot.
316
00:10:28,525 --> 00:10:30,449
He had a little tail
you could steer him around with.
317
00:10:30,469 --> 00:10:34,304
Trust me, what I make will be
beyond your wildest imaginings.
318
00:10:34,455 --> 00:10:36,714
Guys, no. We shouldn't play God
like this.
319
00:10:36,867 --> 00:10:39,476
We should if it means we cut off
Whippleton's butt cheeks
320
00:10:39,627 --> 00:10:41,460
and clap them together
like cymbals!
321
00:10:41,480 --> 00:10:42,646
That's the spirit!
322
00:10:42,797 --> 00:10:44,481
-Let's eat Ted's Folly alive!
-(crowd cheers)
323
00:10:44,632 --> 00:10:46,149
So it's settled--
we're gonna pay a guy
324
00:10:46,300 --> 00:10:47,466
to carve us a wooden hunk
325
00:10:47,602 --> 00:10:49,394
so that Lone Moose
can win the boat parade
326
00:10:49,546 --> 00:10:52,380
and get ourselves
a sexy little snack plaque.
327
00:10:52,473 --> 00:10:53,698
(cheering)
328
00:10:56,736 --> 00:10:59,554
I can't wait to see what Archie
is cooking up for us.
329
00:10:59,572 --> 00:11:01,981
Son, I have to admit--
I have some concerns about this.
330
00:11:02,000 --> 00:11:05,576
I'm not sure how we're gonna get
a wood man to steer the boat.
331
00:11:05,671 --> 00:11:06,895
Oh, don't worry about that.
332
00:11:06,913 --> 00:11:08,579
You'll be the one
steering the boat.
333
00:11:08,748 --> 00:11:10,565
You can crouch down,
out of sight, in the wheelhouse.
334
00:11:10,583 --> 00:11:12,676
All right.
If it helps the town win,
335
00:11:12,903 --> 00:11:14,919
I'll be the person
behind the scenes,
336
00:11:15,071 --> 00:11:16,179
like Nicole Holofcener,
337
00:11:16,330 --> 00:11:18,348
director of Enough Said.
338
00:11:18,499 --> 00:11:22,577
Greetings. Let us now uncover
the man within the wood.
339
00:11:22,579 --> 00:11:25,188
I've got some rough sketches
for you to look over.
340
00:11:25,415 --> 00:11:26,856
Oh, these aren't right. Hotter.
341
00:11:27,008 --> 00:11:28,340
Hotter! He's got to be hotter!
342
00:11:28,435 --> 00:11:30,935
This one wood fellow
seems rather attractive.
343
00:11:31,104 --> 00:11:32,437
Yeah, he's double-take hot,
344
00:11:32,513 --> 00:11:34,346
but we need
"the bartender is so distracted
345
00:11:34,366 --> 00:11:35,532
"when the wooden man walks in
346
00:11:35,683 --> 00:11:38,092
that he overfills
a glass of beer" hot!
347
00:11:38,111 --> 00:11:39,685
I think I know what to do.
348
00:11:39,705 --> 00:11:42,354
I've got this irresistible piece
of driftwood
349
00:11:42,374 --> 00:11:44,949
that I found on the shore
after a lightning storm.
350
00:11:45,101 --> 00:11:48,561
Mother Ocean's been lapping her
tongue on this stud for decades
351
00:11:48,563 --> 00:11:51,548
to make him virile
and intoxicating.
352
00:11:51,699 --> 00:11:54,366
Okay, I can't believe
I'm saying this, but I get it.
353
00:11:54,386 --> 00:11:57,203
This must be how God felt
when he first saw the wood
354
00:11:57,297 --> 00:11:58,888
he was gonna carve Brad Pitt
from.
355
00:11:59,115 --> 00:12:00,873
Archie, I'm saying I do
356
00:12:00,967 --> 00:12:02,951
and I would to this wood.
357
00:12:02,969 --> 00:12:05,286
Okay. One final question,
358
00:12:05,379 --> 00:12:07,505
should the wooden man be...
functional?
359
00:12:07,566 --> 00:12:08,380
No!
360
00:12:08,400 --> 00:12:09,899
Wait, is it the same price?
361
00:12:10,126 --> 00:12:11,234
-Wolf, no.
-Wolf, no.
362
00:12:11,385 --> 00:12:13,552
All right.
Whole new day of practice.
363
00:12:13,572 --> 00:12:15,646
I'm pretty sure
I can slow myself down.
364
00:12:15,799 --> 00:12:17,240
And I'll try to speed myself up.
365
00:12:17,391 --> 00:12:19,242
Soon, we'll be syncin'
like Lincoln.
366
00:12:19,469 --> 00:12:20,985
One, two, three.
367
00:12:21,137 --> 00:12:22,394
(yells)
368
00:12:22,414 --> 00:12:24,155
One, two, three.
369
00:12:24,307 --> 00:12:25,356
Nope, that's not it.
370
00:12:25,508 --> 00:12:26,657
What if we tried holding hands?
371
00:12:26,752 --> 00:12:29,085
Mm, I feel like we should
really focus on walking.
372
00:12:29,237 --> 00:12:31,904
I meant holding hands
while we're walking.
373
00:12:31,923 --> 00:12:32,905
Oh. Right.
374
00:12:32,924 --> 00:12:34,591
One, two, three.
375
00:12:34,667 --> 00:12:35,741
We're doing it.
376
00:12:35,835 --> 00:12:37,543
-We're perfectly in sync.
-Yeah! Finally!
377
00:12:37,596 --> 00:12:40,246
-Uh-oh! (yells)
-(yells)
378
00:12:40,265 --> 00:12:41,765
-Maybe we should just give up.
-(sighs)
379
00:12:41,992 --> 00:12:44,659
We'll never be as in sync as
that other couple with their...
380
00:12:44,752 --> 00:12:47,920
sweaters and
their perfectly in sync dogs.
381
00:12:47,939 --> 00:12:49,664
(gasps)
The dogs! Yes!
382
00:12:49,682 --> 00:12:51,849
I think I'm having a great idea.
383
00:12:51,943 --> 00:12:52,942
That we should steal the dogs?
384
00:12:53,169 --> 00:12:54,260
What? No.
385
00:12:54,279 --> 00:12:55,594
Oh. Right.
Let's not steal the dogs.
386
00:12:55,688 --> 00:12:56,671
I don't want to steal them.
387
00:12:56,689 --> 00:12:58,172
We wait for them to run away
388
00:12:58,191 --> 00:13:00,191
and then we just let them
live with us.
389
00:13:00,268 --> 00:13:01,509
PEPPERS:
All right, Wolf Tobin
390
00:13:01,602 --> 00:13:03,678
-is here and...
-We want to see some log!
391
00:13:03,696 --> 00:13:05,437
Oh, I'm so sorry, everyone.
392
00:13:05,532 --> 00:13:06,772
He couldn't make it.
393
00:13:06,866 --> 00:13:10,126
But there's someone else
who'd like to say hello.
394
00:13:10,278 --> 00:13:11,853
Guys, meet my best friend,
395
00:13:11,871 --> 00:13:13,704
our new Cavalcade of Ships
captain!
396
00:13:13,781 --> 00:13:17,375
-(cheering)
-And, look, his little arm
even waves! Isn't that fun?
397
00:13:17,469 --> 00:13:20,119
-Does this nice young man
have a name?
-Not yet.
398
00:13:20,138 --> 00:13:23,622
I've got it! He should be named
Bernard Particle-Board.
399
00:13:23,642 --> 00:13:25,124
His last name is hyphenated
because he decided
400
00:13:25,143 --> 00:13:26,217
to take his wife's name.
401
00:13:26,311 --> 00:13:27,977
Her name is Theresa Particle.
402
00:13:28,146 --> 00:13:30,462
She keeps a small apartment in
the city just for writing and...
403
00:13:30,482 --> 00:13:33,132
Love the backstory, Judy,
but "Bernard Particle-Board"
404
00:13:33,226 --> 00:13:34,150
is a real mouthful.
405
00:13:34,302 --> 00:13:35,968
What about "Todd Hottsworth"?
406
00:13:35,987 --> 00:13:37,320
And we can call him "Hot Toddy."
407
00:13:37,471 --> 00:13:38,822
-Ah!
-Oh!
-(murmuring)
408
00:13:38,990 --> 00:13:41,716
A tall thermos of Hot Toddy
coming right up!
409
00:13:41,734 --> 00:13:43,809
♪ And we can build this dream
together... ♪
410
00:13:43,903 --> 00:13:46,312
WOLF:
To watch the movie Mannequin
through Todd's eyes? Wow.
411
00:13:46,331 --> 00:13:47,646
It's like a whole new film.
412
00:13:47,740 --> 00:13:49,481
-(music stops)
-The DVD cover was right.
413
00:13:49,501 --> 00:13:52,076
"When she comes to life,
anything can happen."
414
00:13:52,170 --> 00:13:53,485
Maybe I should get a moped
415
00:13:53,505 --> 00:13:55,371
so Todd and I can
cruise around Lone Moose
416
00:13:55,523 --> 00:13:56,914
doing high fives and whatnot.
417
00:13:57,008 --> 00:13:58,232
We should get to bed.
418
00:13:58,326 --> 00:13:59,658
We've got the Cavalcade of Ships
tomorrow.
419
00:13:59,736 --> 00:14:01,569
-Ready to go home, babe?
-I'll meet you there.
420
00:14:01,588 --> 00:14:03,588
Gonna spend
a little quality time with Todd.
421
00:14:03,740 --> 00:14:06,665
But don't worry-- I'll make sure
he gets his beauty rest.
422
00:14:06,685 --> 00:14:08,351
What a day, huh?
423
00:14:08,502 --> 00:14:10,912
I got to say,
you're positively glowing.
424
00:14:11,005 --> 00:14:12,597
I guess that's just the varnish,
425
00:14:12,749 --> 00:14:14,265
but, hey, if it ain't broke,
huh? (chuckles)
426
00:14:14,417 --> 00:14:16,250
Now, let me tell you
a little about myself.
427
00:14:16,344 --> 00:14:17,768
I was 22 pounds at birth
428
00:14:17,863 --> 00:14:21,030
because my mom just absolutely
refused to go to the hospital...
429
00:14:21,182 --> 00:14:22,348
And that's why
I'm scared to death
430
00:14:22,367 --> 00:14:23,608
of those apple-throwing trees
431
00:14:23,702 --> 00:14:26,277
from The Wizard of Oz.
432
00:14:26,429 --> 00:14:27,996
(snoring)
433
00:14:29,099 --> 00:14:30,598
(smoke detector beeping)
434
00:14:30,691 --> 00:14:31,541
(screams)
No!
435
00:14:31,768 --> 00:14:34,026
(crying):
No! No! No! No!
436
00:14:34,045 --> 00:14:35,712
No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
437
00:14:35,939 --> 00:14:38,623
What have I done?! Half his
beautiful face is burned off!
438
00:14:38,717 --> 00:14:41,200
We were just having a few
drinks, shooting the breeze!
439
00:14:41,219 --> 00:14:42,627
It should have been me instead.
440
00:14:42,779 --> 00:14:45,555
No, son, it should not have been
you that was burned alive
441
00:14:45,706 --> 00:14:47,131
instead of this wooden man.
442
00:14:47,225 --> 00:14:48,449
What are we gonna do?
443
00:14:48,451 --> 00:14:49,875
The whole town
was counting on him!
444
00:14:49,969 --> 00:14:50,894
On me.
445
00:14:51,062 --> 00:14:52,044
-Maybe we can fix him?
-(sighs)
446
00:14:52,138 --> 00:14:53,545
I guess we owe it to Todd--
447
00:14:53,640 --> 00:14:55,289
and the town-- to try.
448
00:14:55,291 --> 00:14:57,625
Okay, so I used
a little bit of spackle
449
00:14:57,718 --> 00:14:58,735
and a little bit of paint
450
00:14:58,962 --> 00:15:00,386
and then I sprayed him
with Dad's cologne,
451
00:15:00,405 --> 00:15:02,221
just to give him
a boost of confidence.
452
00:15:02,315 --> 00:15:03,648
-What do you guys think?
-HONEYBEE: Yikes.
453
00:15:03,800 --> 00:15:05,224
Never said "yikes" before,
but it felt right.
454
00:15:05,243 --> 00:15:06,910
Wolf, he's disgusting.
455
00:15:07,061 --> 00:15:08,136
Frang it!
456
00:15:08,154 --> 00:15:09,637
Well, why don't we
just shift gears
457
00:15:09,656 --> 00:15:12,640
and have a regular,
human, non-hot captain?
458
00:15:12,733 --> 00:15:14,659
No. I won't sideline Todd.
459
00:15:14,811 --> 00:15:16,144
He's worked too hard for this.
460
00:15:16,237 --> 00:15:17,921
Trust me, Todd's got this.
461
00:15:18,072 --> 00:15:20,089
Todd's got this by the ass!
462
00:15:24,078 --> 00:15:26,286
-Hey, that slime is fun.
-Then I have failed,
463
00:15:26,489 --> 00:15:28,156
because it represents
our melting glaciers,
464
00:15:28,249 --> 00:15:29,507
and there's nothing fun
about that.
465
00:15:29,601 --> 00:15:31,342
All right,
everybody shut your slime holes.
466
00:15:31,419 --> 00:15:32,769
It's time to go over the plan.
467
00:15:32,996 --> 00:15:34,996
Honeybee, Judy and I
will lay on the deck
468
00:15:35,089 --> 00:15:37,941
and use ropes to turn Todd
so that he appears lifelike.
469
00:15:38,092 --> 00:15:40,426
And so no one sees
the burned part of his face.
470
00:15:40,445 --> 00:15:43,187
Meanwhile, Dad will actually be
the one steering
471
00:15:43,264 --> 00:15:44,596
-from the wheelhouse.
-Copy that.
472
00:15:44,691 --> 00:15:47,675
And, Moon, you'll keep us
aligned with the boat boys' pace
473
00:15:47,768 --> 00:15:48,618
-on the shore.
-Tobins.
474
00:15:48,769 --> 00:15:49,935
-(yelps)
-Ah-ha! Mayor!
475
00:15:49,955 --> 00:15:51,345
So good to see you!
476
00:15:51,364 --> 00:15:52,680
Not as good as it will be
to see that plaque
477
00:15:52,773 --> 00:15:55,183
that says "Best Boat Town"
at the end of the day.
478
00:15:55,201 --> 00:15:56,960
Now, where is
that wooden wonder Todd?
479
00:15:57,111 --> 00:15:58,352
Uh, he's... resting!
480
00:15:58,371 --> 00:16:00,021
But don't worry--
he's still hot!
481
00:16:00,039 --> 00:16:01,464
And nothing bad
has happened to him.
482
00:16:01,615 --> 00:16:02,781
Okay...
483
00:16:02,875 --> 00:16:04,634
The way you're saying that
makes it sound like
484
00:16:04,711 --> 00:16:05,969
something bad has happened.
485
00:16:06,196 --> 00:16:07,786
(chuckles): Oh, no,
I didn't mean that at all.
486
00:16:07,880 --> 00:16:10,548
Because it's very weird
that you would bring that up.
487
00:16:10,624 --> 00:16:11,415
Do you see my point?
488
00:16:11,476 --> 00:16:12,867
Don't worry. This is just what
489
00:16:12,885 --> 00:16:14,310
my husband is like
when he's nervous.
490
00:16:14,537 --> 00:16:16,704
We'll be chanting "Best Boat
Town" in no time at all.
491
00:16:16,797 --> 00:16:19,482
Wonderful. Because winning
that plaque is the only thing
492
00:16:19,742 --> 00:16:22,151
that could bring happiness
to an entire town
493
00:16:22,378 --> 00:16:24,636
that is holding on
by the thinnest of threads.
494
00:16:24,656 --> 00:16:25,880
Good! Because, again...
495
00:16:25,973 --> 00:16:27,639
(chuckles):
nothing bad has happened.
496
00:16:27,734 --> 00:16:30,384
-(crazed laugh)
-Wolf, do not start that again.
497
00:16:30,478 --> 00:16:31,886
Bye, Mayor Peppers!
498
00:16:31,904 --> 00:16:33,738
ANNOUNCER:
And let's hear
one final round of applause
499
00:16:33,832 --> 00:16:35,873
-for Whippleton!
-(cheering and applause)
500
00:16:35,983 --> 00:16:37,074
BEEF:
Ooh, Whippleton.
501
00:16:37,168 --> 00:16:39,485
"Look at us. We have two dumps."
502
00:16:39,504 --> 00:16:41,671
ANNOUNCER:
And coming up next, Death Cliff!
503
00:16:41,822 --> 00:16:45,008
-(cheering and applause)
-Hospices are the deepest bummer
I can think of,
504
00:16:45,235 --> 00:16:47,068
but, damn,
if Jammers isn't pulling it off.
505
00:16:47,161 --> 00:16:48,919
-Let's go boat!
-Let's go boat!
506
00:16:49,014 --> 00:16:50,921
Look at that robust gait.
507
00:16:51,090 --> 00:16:52,298
Yeah, they're good.
508
00:16:52,408 --> 00:16:53,499
Now, are you sure you're okay
509
00:16:53,518 --> 00:16:55,184
with us wearing
this little doggie leash?
510
00:16:55,336 --> 00:16:58,021
Yes. This is the only way
to truly stay in sync.
511
00:16:58,172 --> 00:16:59,505
We'll show Gavin and Luke
512
00:16:59,673 --> 00:17:01,340
they aren't the only perfectly
in sync couple in town.
513
00:17:01,434 --> 00:17:03,918
Oh, who, uh...
who's the other one?
514
00:17:04,011 --> 00:17:05,028
-Us!
-Oh, right.
515
00:17:05,255 --> 00:17:06,029
Now I get what you're saying.
516
00:17:06,256 --> 00:17:07,421
Let's go boat!
517
00:17:07,590 --> 00:17:09,532
Okay, save that magic
for the show, hon.
518
00:17:09,759 --> 00:17:11,108
ANNOUNCER:
Now entering the cavalcade,
519
00:17:11,202 --> 00:17:13,536
steered
by Captain Todd Hottsworth,
520
00:17:13,763 --> 00:17:16,447
let's hear three cheers
for Lone Moose!
521
00:17:16,599 --> 00:17:18,599
-(cheering and applause)
-Whoa, the slime
is really slippery, Judy.
522
00:17:18,618 --> 00:17:21,377
Yeah, well, so is the problem
of climate change.
523
00:17:21,529 --> 00:17:23,880
-Let's go boat!
-Let's go boat!
524
00:17:24,107 --> 00:17:26,382
-Go, Dad!
-Okay, Todd, this is it.
525
00:17:26,534 --> 00:17:27,550
Time to shine.
526
00:17:27,701 --> 00:17:29,385
Is he pulling it off?
Is he wowing them?
527
00:17:29,612 --> 00:17:31,054
♪ ♪
528
00:17:31,205 --> 00:17:33,114
♪ I look in your eyes ♪
529
00:17:33,132 --> 00:17:35,224
♪ And it's just like
the first time... ♪
530
00:17:35,301 --> 00:17:37,727
I'm gonna leave my family
for that captain.
531
00:17:37,954 --> 00:17:39,970
(cheering)
532
00:17:40,123 --> 00:17:41,064
Of course he is.
533
00:17:41,215 --> 00:17:42,899
He's ding dang doing it.
534
00:17:43,050 --> 00:17:43,900
You got it.
535
00:17:44,051 --> 00:17:46,736
Step, pause, step, pause.
536
00:17:46,887 --> 00:17:48,887
-Let's go boat!
-Let's go boat!
537
00:17:48,981 --> 00:17:50,722
(laughing in sync)
538
00:17:50,742 --> 00:17:53,801
Crispin, listen,
it may be too late for this now,
539
00:17:53,820 --> 00:17:55,227
since we're already walking,
but,
540
00:17:55,396 --> 00:17:57,488
those perfectly in sync guys,
they creep me out.
541
00:17:57,640 --> 00:18:00,065
I don't think couples are
supposed to be exactly alike.
542
00:18:00,234 --> 00:18:01,417
Who cares if you walk faster?
543
00:18:01,569 --> 00:18:03,753
Yeah, and so what
if I like spaghetti
544
00:18:03,904 --> 00:18:04,921
and you like fettuccini?
545
00:18:05,090 --> 00:18:06,756
It's all the same
under the sauce.
546
00:18:06,983 --> 00:18:08,149
We like different things
sometimes,
547
00:18:08,242 --> 00:18:09,425
but that doesn't bother us.
548
00:18:09,577 --> 00:18:11,427
And that's pretty freakin' cool
if you ask me.
549
00:18:11,579 --> 00:18:14,155
And we are in sync
on something--
550
00:18:14,248 --> 00:18:15,431
we like each other very much.
551
00:18:15,658 --> 00:18:17,341
So are you saying
what I think you're saying?
552
00:18:17,493 --> 00:18:21,420
Yes. Let's unclip and
each go boat at our own pace.
553
00:18:21,439 --> 00:18:23,848
-Let's go... boat!
-Let's go boat! Let's go boat!
554
00:18:24,000 --> 00:18:25,257
-Let's go... boat!
-Let's go boat!
555
00:18:25,351 --> 00:18:27,852
The boat boys are moving
at two different speeds.
556
00:18:27,946 --> 00:18:28,927
Who do I follow?
557
00:18:28,947 --> 00:18:31,531
Uh, I guess the faster one?
558
00:18:32,283 --> 00:18:33,599
(yelping)
559
00:18:33,618 --> 00:18:37,102
Uh-oh! Can't let anyone see
Todd's singed shame!
560
00:18:37,122 --> 00:18:38,788
Oh, God, slime!
561
00:18:39,015 --> 00:18:39,847
Oh, no, no, no!
562
00:18:39,940 --> 00:18:41,415
Hang on, Todd!
563
00:18:42,109 --> 00:18:43,701
-No!
-(yelling)
564
00:18:43,853 --> 00:18:45,002
(gasping)
565
00:18:46,780 --> 00:18:48,372
No!
566
00:18:48,524 --> 00:18:49,799
JUDGE:
And the winner is...
567
00:18:50,026 --> 00:18:51,450
-Death Cliff!
-(cheering and applause)
568
00:18:51,527 --> 00:18:52,543
Randy Jammers
will accept the plaque.
569
00:18:52,695 --> 00:18:54,786
Thank you, Death Cliff.
We are all so...
570
00:18:54,806 --> 00:18:56,472
Wait, excuse me!
I need to say something!
571
00:18:56,699 --> 00:18:59,033
Hello. Wolf Tobin, Lone Moose.
Nice to see ya.
572
00:18:59,051 --> 00:19:01,702
First of all,
congratulations to Death Cliff.
573
00:19:01,871 --> 00:19:03,312
But that's not why I'm up here.
574
00:19:03,422 --> 00:19:06,223
I'm up here because
I saw something special today.
575
00:19:06,317 --> 00:19:08,893
I saw a town
that was disheartened
576
00:19:09,045 --> 00:19:12,563
by a washing machine in a river
come together like never before.
577
00:19:12,715 --> 00:19:15,158
And we were brought together
by one man.
578
00:19:15,326 --> 00:19:16,975
Someone
who most people would ignore
579
00:19:17,069 --> 00:19:18,552
if they saw him on the street.
580
00:19:18,571 --> 00:19:19,904
"Oh, he doesn't count."
581
00:19:20,056 --> 00:19:21,330
"Uh, he's not real."
582
00:19:21,482 --> 00:19:24,909
"Oh, he's a carved piece
of driftwood and is a statue."
583
00:19:25,003 --> 00:19:27,986
Yeah. Well, he may not be alive,
584
00:19:28,155 --> 00:19:29,821
but he does have a heart.
585
00:19:29,916 --> 00:19:31,340
The heart of Lone Moose!
586
00:19:31,567 --> 00:19:35,252
Look, did we only love Mr. Todd
Hottsworth when he was hot?
587
00:19:35,405 --> 00:19:36,679
Oh, but then
he gets decapitated.
588
00:19:36,906 --> 00:19:40,666
We just turn our backs on him.
Well, not me.
589
00:19:40,834 --> 00:19:41,909
He gave us hope!
590
00:19:42,002 --> 00:19:44,169
And he's still my captain.
591
00:19:44,189 --> 00:19:46,414
And if he's still your captain,
592
00:19:46,432 --> 00:19:47,581
raise your hand!
593
00:19:47,600 --> 00:19:50,251
Come on, raise 'em up!
594
00:19:50,269 --> 00:19:52,086
He's a real man
with a rich life!
595
00:19:52,104 --> 00:19:54,012
My sexual attraction
to a pretend man
596
00:19:54,106 --> 00:19:56,348
helped me forget my troubles
for a minute or two.
597
00:19:56,367 --> 00:19:57,925
We all loved him. All of us.
598
00:19:57,944 --> 00:20:01,019
And so what
if we're not the best boat town?
599
00:20:01,113 --> 00:20:02,613
Wolf, are you kidding me?
600
00:20:02,707 --> 00:20:05,374
This whole town agreed
to carve a wooden man
601
00:20:05,526 --> 00:20:06,876
and pretend
he was a hunky captain
602
00:20:07,045 --> 00:20:09,879
just to win a plaque
that means absolutely nothing!
603
00:20:10,048 --> 00:20:12,048
This is easily the best town.
604
00:20:12,199 --> 00:20:13,365
Right after Fresno.
605
00:20:13,384 --> 00:20:15,218
And Fresno
doesn't even have boats!
606
00:20:15,369 --> 00:20:18,279
Making us the best boat town!
607
00:20:18,372 --> 00:20:19,964
Yeah. Maybe we did do it.
608
00:20:20,058 --> 00:20:21,707
Best boat town!
609
00:20:21,801 --> 00:20:23,451
CROWD:
Best boat town!
610
00:20:23,469 --> 00:20:24,876
Best boat town!
611
00:20:24,971 --> 00:20:28,231
Okay. Thank you for...
whatever that was.
612
00:20:28,382 --> 00:20:30,808
And, Randy, if you'd like
to continue speaking...
613
00:20:30,960 --> 00:20:32,293
I, uh, can't follow that.
614
00:20:32,462 --> 00:20:34,962
So does the crowd mind
if I just flex a little?
615
00:20:34,981 --> 00:20:36,130
VERA:
Flex it, Randy!
616
00:20:36,148 --> 00:20:37,147
You did it, my boy.
617
00:20:37,242 --> 00:20:38,724
You saved the town.
618
00:20:38,743 --> 00:20:42,394
♪ And we can build this dream
together ♪
619
00:20:42,488 --> 00:20:44,396
♪ Standing strong forever ♪
620
00:20:44,490 --> 00:20:47,399
♪ Nothing's gonna stop us now ♪
621
00:20:47,418 --> 00:20:49,669
♪ Nothing's gonna stop us. ♪
622
00:21:19,600 --> 00:21:21,284
♪ Gimme, oh, gimme. ♪
623
00:21:21,435 --> 00:21:23,452
Captioning sponsored by
BENTO BOX ENTERTAINMENT
624
00:21:23,604 --> 00:21:24,704
and TOYOTA.