Welcome to "the misery index," where misery loves company.
-Yeah! Yeah! -Yeah!
Jameela: We have scoured the globe
For the world's most miserable true stories,
Then asked a panel of respected psychologists
To rate those stories based on three pillars of misery --
Physical pain, emotional trauma,
And long-term psychological impact.
The higher the combined misery,
The higher it lands on our misery index.
What is going on? What is going on?
Our two contestants must try and decide
How those events were rated for a chance at our grand prize
Of $30,000.
You're about to win some money!
So, let's get miserable.
[ cheers and applause ]
♪♪
Hello, I am jameela jamil, and welcome to
"the misery index." tonight, we have two
Very miserable contestants.
Walter clements, whose eyes once swelled shut on a double date.
And parker smith, who once accidentally
Stole someone's child.
And now, from trutv's hit "impractical jokers,"
Give it up for my brothers, the tenderloins --
Sal, joe, q, and murr!
[ cheers and applause ]
What's up?!
Oh, yeah.
[ indistinct conversation ]
Let's just get into it. Walter, what happened?
I double dated with another couple,
And I love seafood. -Mm-hmm.
And I started eating,
And the next thing I know,
My tongue swelled up... [ gasps ]
...My eyes shut... -Mm-hmm.
...And next thing I know, I was being taken out
In an ambulance. You were allergic to your date.
[ laughter ]
It was the seafood.
I have heard of some creative ways of getting out of
Paying the bill, but this really took it to an extreme.
It worked. It worked!
It worked.
No second date then, walter?
Yeah, we had a second and third, and about 49 more.
You've been married 49 years? Yes.
Come on! That's unbelievable.
49. Wow!
Alright, parker, you're up. What happened?
My wife and I were at disney world.
It was really crowded, and we had our two boys with us,
And we each had one by the hand, which was fine
Until this woman came running up to me
Screaming hysterically that I had kidnapped her child.
And I looked down and I had the wrong kid.
[ laughter ]
That's not the bad part.
That's not the bad part?
No. Then I had to find my own kid.
So I think it's time, right?
-Yeah. -Oh, yeah.
Please behold the keeper of all things miserable.
It is my good friend, the traumatron.
-Ooh. -Here we go.
-It's fun. -We're gonna win some money
Today, okay? -Don't worry, we got this.
We got it. -The name of our first game,
Gentlemen, is misery lane.
I'm going to put two misery markers on the index,
And the first one is
Your daughter demands emancipation on tiktok.
Joe: Oh, man.
Which our shrinks rated at a...
68.
-Ooh. -Oh, yeah.
Jameela: And the second one is
You get peed on at a musical festival.
And our shrinks rated it at a...
42. Q: 42.
I was peed on at a discotheque.
Why'd you point at me? I didn't piss on you.
Okay, okay, fine.
Okay, so guys, I'm going to show you each event.
You don't have to give me the exact number.
You just have to determine if it falls above, below,
Or in between the two cards that you see on the index.
Walter, you get to go first.
Alright. Let's go, walter.
We got this, we got this. Let's do it, bud.
Please check out this misery.
So this woman is just filming her child
Having fun out in the rain.
[ laughs ]
Q: Wonder what's gonna happen.
[ audience gasps ] whoopsie daisy.
Murr: Oh, my god!
Shocking.
So many things I love about this,
Most of all, the fact that the mother ran inside.
You can have more kids.
Yeah.
As parker knows. Yeah.
You can just grab someone else's. Right.
Struck by lightning.
It's going to be trauma.
It's going to last for a long time.
I played this game a bunch. I mean, if a lightning bolt
Coming down and striking you is not worse than declaring
Emancipation on tiktok. That's right.
Okay, so officially now for $500,
Does you're struck by lightning land above, below,
Or in between the two cards on the misery index, walter?
Above. -Above.
Absolutely.
Jameela: Okay. Absolutely.
You have said it is above.
Let's see what our shrinks say.
500 clams for walter.
I mean, I'm not even worried.
Come on, come on. Oh, it does this.
It goes all the way and back,
Plays with us. Come on, come on, come on, come on.
There's no way. There's no way.
[ cheers and applause ] we got it by a long shot.
Sir, yes, sir.
We got it. We're on the way.
That is correct, walter.
You just banked $500.
Okay, parker, I can see that you're ready.
You and your team, please check out this misery.
Okay.
Woman: Ooh!
Jameela: Here she goes, she's looking great.
Joe: No. Seems okay.
Oh, it's frozen.
Oh, my god. Oh, my god!
It was ice!
What a waste of a lovely bum.
Oh, man.
What do you think? I don't know, I don't know.
There was some physical pain.
Physical pain, yeah. But did it last a long time?
No. I mean, you hurt your shins, you dust yourself off.
There's a couple things to consider, right?
At the music festival, you're covered in pee.
Right. You're probably gonna be like that for a few hours.
You're not going to leave. You paid for these tickets.
The other situation, though, is physically painful.
She definitely got hurt. She whacked her head. Yeah.
We don't know if she has a concussion.
For me, it's lower than both.
You get hurt, you get up, you dust yourself off, you go.
There's a little bit of embarrassment.
I think getting peed on is worse.
Jameela: Parker, where are you at?
So there's definitely physical pain
And there's some trauma,
Although I don't think there's a lasting impact.
Yeah. Whereas if your child demands emancipation,
Your kid wants to divorce you.
Yeah. Sure. I think that's pretty --
So it's definitely not higher than that.
I'm going to say in between.
In between. I like it.
So let's see what our shrinks say.
Alright, alright, let's go.
Come on, parker. Come on, baby.
Come on, right in the middle.
Yes! Yes!
Good job. Good job. Yes, parker!
Coming up, one of these fantastic contestants
Will get a shot at $30,000.
[ cheers and applause ]
Hello, and welcome back to "the misery index."
So, walter has $500 and parker also has $500,
But there's lots more humiliation to explore
Before one of them plays for $30,000.
Parker. Parker. No, no, parker.
-Parker, that's the wrong kid. -You're on this team.
You're on the wrong team. -Oh!
[ laughter ] come here, buddy.
Can't believe I did that again.
You got to keep an eye on him.
Over here. Parker, this time you are up first.
I'm going to show you two deeply traumatic events
And you just have to tell me which is worse
According to our shrinks.
So, for $1,000
Tell me which one of these family fails
Lands higher on the misery index.
Is it this?
"elderly guest gets naked during gilbert gottfried's
Daughter's zoom bat mitzvah."
[ laughter ]
So you have this, or would you say
Is this more miserable?
"mishap leaves 2-year-old girl
With cake saying, 'happy birthday, loser.'"
Melin jones, 2-year-old elizabeth's mother,
Said she asked for the cake to read "happy birthday, lizard."
Lizard is the toddler's nickname.
I mean, who still celebrates their birthday at 2?
[ laughter ]
Grow up, baby.
[ laughing ] grow up, baby.
A bar and bat mitzvah is about your
Becoming a woman and a man, right? Right.
No better way than by seeing nana's, you know,
Hoo-ha and ta-tas, you know?
Joe, you saw your grandmother naked once.
How traumatic was it? I did, I did.
I saw my grandmother naked in atlantic city.
She'd just gotten out of the shower,
And she was doing that thing with the towel
Where she threw it over and she was doing this.
Oh, no, no, no.
Yeah.
Parker, do you have grandchildren?
I do. I have two. -How would you feel
If they saw you naked?
[ groans ]
That would not be pretty.
[ laughter ]
I'm still trying to get my wife to see me naked.
[ laughter ]
I love it.
It has more long-lasting impact.
Yeah, I think the bat mitzvah because it's probably recorded
For all time. Agreed.
The kid, he's a toddler.
He's gonna forget about that, like, next year.
Alright, so parker, for $1,000,
Which one would you say is more miserable?
The bat mitzvah is more miserable.
There you go. I agree.
Good answer. I agree.
Let's first see where our shrinks
Put the other choice. Good luck.
Got to be low. They both got to be low.
Yeah. 33. That's low.
Okay, now let's see if you are right.
Come on, baby. Come on, come on, come on.
Yes! Awesome! Yeah!
1,000 bucks!
1,000 bucks.
Parker, that is correct,
And you just won yourself $1,000.
Yes. Alright.
Not bad.
Okay, walter, you ready?
For $1,000, tell me which one of these agro animals
Ranks higher on the misery index.
Is it this?
[ child screaming ]
Oh, a bird chasing a kid? Is that a hawk?
Jameela: Yeah. It's a hawk.
Walter: It's a hawk.
Sal: She didn't wipe out? Oh, my god.
Joe: No, it's still attacking her.
Okay, so we've seen that,
Or would you say this is more miserable?
"dublin police officer mounted by stallion."
Is that a horse penis?
What do you think, walter?
He's in trouble.
[ laughter ]
Jameela: But also, in that picture,
The horse's [bleep] is really close to his ass.
Like, it really shocked me because normally
They don't have, like, great aim,
But he knows exactly where he's going.
Normally they don't? How do you know?
Well, when I try, they miss.
[ laughter ]
No. No.
We're not keeping that.
Walter, what are you thinking?
Walter: I'm going to say
That being mounted by a horse. Yeah.
Okay, let's first see where our shrinks put the other choice.
[ cheers and applause ]
42. 42 is very beatable.
Now let's see if your choice is correct.
This is for $1,000.
Show me horse penis!
[ laughter ] give us the horse [bleep]
-Yeah! -Alright. No surprise there.
Don't go anywhere, 'cause when we come back,
Someone is headed home and someone is moving on
For their shot at $30,000.
[ cheers and applause ]
Show me the money.
Hello, and welcome back to "the misery index."
It all comes down to this one miserable event
To determine who is the true master of misery
Moving on to play for their shot at the grand prize.
So currently, walter has $1,500
And parker also has $1,500. It's a game.
[ cheers and applause ]
So, guys, I'm going to show you both the same event,
And your job is just to tell us
Where you think it lands on the misery index.
The closest guess gets $2,000.
Joe: Nice. Okay.
Please, everyone, direct your attention
To the traumatron for our next misery.
Everybody is afraid of the dentist.
And today they should be.
That's because we're working as dental assistants
At paramount oral surgery,
And we've got to help patients out.
Yeah, helping them by doing and saying what we're told
By the other guys.
And if you refuse, you lose.
[ laughter ]
So, I was at atlantic city over the weekend.
Oh, yeah? And everybody's eating steak and I'm eating crab cakes.
Oh! Right.
Joe: Tell him that's not your worst story about crabs.
Those [bleep] crab cakes.
That's not my worst story involving crabs
In atlantic city, if you know what I mean.
[ laughs ]
That's a peek-a-boo.
That's what they call that.
It's to use to get right in the undercarriage
Back up there.
In the industry we call this the, uh,
The bilateral hammer-ray...Rammer.
Spin on the stool as you explain it.
You won't even feel anything. Hold on one second.
I need you to hold onto this mirror.
He looks like a mad scientist!
[ laughter ]
I got to get somebody.
I got to get somebody on that fast.
Just roll out of the room.
Okay.
[ laughter ]
Plant him back as far as you can go.
Now, you said you got this in October.
Let me ask you this. Give or take October.
[ laughs, coughs ] excuse me.
I remember...
Murr: Raise it all the way up to the ceiling.
[ laughter ]
He's holding on!
I'm gonna get him right now. Give me one second.
I'm gonna get him right now.
[ laughing ] I can't do it!
I can't do it! I can't do it! I can't do it!
[ laughter ]
To this day, that's the moment that people
Bring up to me the most on the entire run of the whole show.
Really? But he was a good sport about it.
Q: He was great. That's amazing.
You cured his pain, though.
Exactly. Right.
Okay, so for $2,000, talk it through
And lock in where you think "your dental assistant
Is reckless" lands on the misery index.
It's not the most traumatic thing in the world.
Right. It's concerning.
Mm-hmm. Yeah.
It's the expectation of professionalism,
You know? If we want own this kind of area,
Play defense a little bit...
Okay, gentlemen, it is time to lock in your answers.
Great. We're locked.
Okay, parker is locked in.
He's in.
Okay, everyone is locked in. This is it.
Let's see who has mastered the misery
By being closest to the correct answer
For that chance at $30,000.
Walter, you said...
39.
Where you guys at?
Drop it like it's hot, traumatron.
And parker, you said it's a...
No. 41.
He had 41!
Oh, no, I hate it when it's this close.
Let's see what our shrinks say. This is it.
-Hoo-hoo! -No.
Sal: Come on, come on. Come on, come on, come on.
Joe: 42, baby, 42. Gimme 42.
Q: Stop, stop, stop, stop.
[ cheers and applause ]
Whoa!
Oh!
Parker, you're awesome.
Unfortunately, that means we're going to have to
Say goodbye to parker,
But walter is moving on and will be playing for
The $30,000 grand prize right after this!
Joe: Alright, walter.
Alright.
Welcome back to "the misery index."
Walter has chosen q to assist him
In the grand prize final round,
The $30,000 margin of misery.
-Ooh! -There it is.
Walter, you're doing so well,
But if and when you win all the money,
What are you going to do with it?
Well, with my love for seafood,
Wanted to always go to greece.
I'm going to pig out branzino -- lemon branzino.
Oh, amazing.
Super specific.
Aren't you allergic to seafood?
That one I can eat.
Fearless man right here!
Ready to take on the traumatron.
Okay, so I'm going to show you three terrible events.
They're worth $5,000, $10,000, and $15,000.
After each one, you will place a range finder
Where you think it lands on the misery index.
But as the money gets bigger, the range finder gets smaller.
Ready to play?
Ready to play. Okay.
It's official.
Let's get miserable.
Alright.
Walter, your first event is worth $5,000
And has a range of 30 points. Please take a look at this.
Man: [ speaks native language ]
What is that? What's in the water?
Those are piranhas. Fish?
-Oh! -No! No!
I don't think anybody would suggest
We'd even start below 40.
40 to 70.
Yeah. I wouldn't think it would go 70
'cause if he got torn apart and eaten, we'd know about it.
There was no red in the water.
No red in the water. Very blue water.
I would say between 40 and 70?
Okay, so walter, within a range of 30,
Where does "you dive into a piranha party"
Land on the misery index?
Your 10 seconds starts...
Now.
I wouldn't go below 40 at all, would be my advice.
That's great. 5...4...
Yeah, great. That's good.
That's good, we got it. We got this, we got this.
Okay, you are locked in.
For $5,000, let's see where this lands.
Good luck. Come on, come on.
No. We got this, we got this.
Come on back, come on back, come on back.
It's not gonna be below 40.
Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on.
Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop!
Yes!
Whoo!
Oh!
So, that was correct, and you just banked yourself
$5,000. Yes, you did.
This next event is worth $10,000,
And this time you will have a range of any 20 points.
Let's take a look.
Alright, got this guy.
This is an elderly woman.
She's taken off on the race.
[ audience groans ]
I like that. You fall and then can't get up.
[ laughter ]
A lot of pain there, that's for sure. Yeah.
And maybe long lasting depending on what she broke.
Would it be the physical pain or your friends seeing the video
And making fun of you the most that would bother you?
Friends seeing it wouldn't bother me at that point.
Probably worrying about the pain then. Yep.
My gut would be around 65.
I think it's in the 60s, and you think it's in the 60s,
So why don't we cover the 60s and, you know,
Hedge it a little bit on each side? On each side.
Yeah, yeah. Okay.
Okay, well,
Walter, if you touch that before I tell you you can,
I will fight you on television.
[ laughter ]
He's so scared.
Walter, your 10 seconds starts...
Now.
Come on, walter!
Yeah. 5...4...3...2...
Lock in, walter.
Yes! Alright, I feel good.
I think we're in the 60s. For $10,000,
Where did our shrinks rate it on the misery index?
You got this. This is it.
Sal: Come on, she's an old lady! Get up there!
Please. Please.
Elderly lady. Come on, please.
Please, please. Come on, come on, come on, come on.
Stop!
Oh! Whoa!
Yes! Yes!
Yes! Baby!
This is it!
Oh!
That was correct, and you just won $10,000.
$10,000. $10,000!
Walter, you're playing a perfect game.
[ cheers and applause ]
Okay, so here we go, our final misery is worth
$15,000, and you're going to have to get it
Within a range of only 10 this time.
Walter! The world is with you, walter!
I'm with you, fellas.
"wife who walked in on husband allegedly having sex
With his mother had 'always suspected incest.'"
I mean, he looks happy.
Well, he just got laid.
♪ I saw mommy f'ing santa ♪
Yeah, right? Exactly.
There it is. That was it.
What are you feeling right now, walter?
78 to 88.
You want to get in the 70s? Yeah?
Okay, within a range of 10,
Where does "your husband is banging his mum," walter,
Land on the misery index?
Your 10 seconds starts... Now.
[ cheers and applause ]
I have a hard time seeing it in the 70s, but...
5, 4, 3, 2, 1.
You got it, baby. I think you got it.
I do. I do, bud.
This is the most important round of "misery index"
I've ever played. Jameela: Yeah.
Walter, you bloody legend,
You are locked in between 79 and 89.
Alright, for $15,000, let's see where
"your husband is banging his mum" lands on the misery index.
Good luck, walter!
[ cheers and applause ]
Sal: Here we go, here we go!
Joe: Here we go, walter!
Go! It ain't 10, it ain't 20, ain't 30.
Come on.
Come on up.
Come on, come on, keep going.
Hit the brakes! Stop!
[ cheers and applause ]
♪♪
Oh, my god!
♪♪
Okay, this is our champion!
That is correct. Oh, man!
Walter, congratulations.
You're going home with $33,500.
[ cheers and applause ]
I don't believe this. I don't believe this.
Sir, you just played a perfect game.
Well done.
Walter don't give a [bleep]
Boom!
-Wow! -Oh, my god.
-Yo. -Branzino, here he comes!
So, that'll do it for "the misery index."
I'm jameela jamil, and for me and the tenderloins
And walter... Yeah, right!
[ cheers and applause ]
[ tenderloins chanting "branzino!" ]