Welcome to "the misery index," where misery loves company.
-Yeah! Yeah! -Yeah!
Jameela: We have scoured the globe
For the world's most miserable true stories,
Then asked a panel of respected psychologists
To rate those stories based on three pillars of misery --
Physical pain, emotional trauma,
And long-term psychological impact.
The higher the combined misery,
The higher it lands on our misery index.
What is going on? What is going on?
Our two contestants must try and decide
How those events were rated for a chance at our grand prize
Of $30,000.
You're about to win some money!
So, let's get miserable.
[ cheers and applause ]
♪♪
Hello! I am jameela jamil,
And welcome to "the misery index."
It is every smart person's least favorite time of the year.
It's bloody valentine's day.
And tonight we have two very miserable
Valentine's contestants.
Iden [indistinct] whose first kiss ended
In a panic attack.
And siena hart, who once turned an awkward text
Into a really awkward breakup.
And now from trutv's hit "impractical jokers,"
They better be dressed to stupidly as me,
Give it up for the tenderloins, sal, joe, q, and murr!
[ cheers and applause ]
How's it going, my man? How's it going?
-How you doing? -Very good, very good.
[ indistinct talking ]
[ cheers and applause ]
What are you doing?
We said we were gonna dress as hearts.
Yeah, we were supposed to be pretty hearts.
-Well -- -you look stupid.
I look great. -This is what's going on.
Happy valentine's day to you. -You, too. Thank you.
Oh. Oh, I'm sorry. Was -- today's valentine's day?
Yes, murray.
-What do you think this is? -And you're a newlywed.
I hope you didn't forget valentine's day.
Ah! I gotta send a text.
Yeah, you better send a text.
Sorry. I'm sorry about that.
Well, while he is doing that,
Let's get to know our contestants.
Jameela: Iden, what happened, man?
So I was talking to a girl, the girl right there.
-[ gasps ] -right?
My first girlfriend right there, that girl right there.
-Yeah. -Whoa!
-I know. -Wait, wait, what?
-You guys are exes. -Yeah.
-Exes, yo. -Oh!
-Mm-hmm. -Wow! It just got real.
-How long ago was this? -We broke up 2017.
We haven't seen each other since.
-Wow. -No!
How long were you two guys together?
-Over a year. -Over a year, yeah.
So one of you is gonna possibly win a lot of money,
And one of you is not. -Yeah.
This is great. Siena, what happened?
Okay, so my ex-boyfriend, iden --
He texted me one day
With the old-fashioned, "we need to talk."
Oh! So naturally, I'm gonna take a screenshot
And tell my best friend.
I sent the screenshot back to him...
[ laughter ]
I've done that so many times.
Okay, well, guys, behold the keeper of all things miserable.
It is the traumatron.
-Ooh. -All right!
-There it is. -Don't be scared.
And the name of our first game is misery lane.
I'm going to put two misery markers on the index,
On the first one is...
[ laughter ]
...Which our shrinks put at a
36. -Okay.
And the second one is...
...Which our shrinks rated at 75.
-There's a warm front moving in. -Yeah.
[ laughter and applause ]
Okay, so I'm gonna show each of you an event,
And you don't have to tell me the exact number.
You just have to determine if it falls above, below,
Or in between the two cards that are on the index.
Siena hart, your name already sounds
Like a sexy shade of lipstick,
So you get to go first.
-Yes. -Yes.
-Check out this misery. -Okay, here we go.
Reporter: But nathaniel's relationship with chase goes beyond...
-Stop! -...Dates and presents.
-No. -Stop.
There are times when we get sexual.
-Oh! -With the car?
-Stop it! -Love you, baby.
[ laughter ]
What we do the most often is I like to lean over his fender
And across his hood and do little things like that.
-Oh, my god. -One of his more bold positions
Is for me to be underneath him.
-Oh. -He really likes it.
It's not okay.
I mean, I bet that new-car smell didn't last very long.
[ laughter ]
I heard the car goes from zero to six inches in under a minute.
Siena, what are you feeling about this so far?
-Okay, so I gave birth to that. -Yep.
All right, no pain involved, I don't really think.
Emotionally, I -- I'm feeling very disturbed.
And long-term, I'm never probably gonna have
Any grandchildren because it's a car.
-Right, right. -'cause it's a male car.
-Yeah. -Yep, yep, for sure.
For me, I think...
[ laughter ]
I can't take you seriously!
-For me, for me. -Okay.
-For me. -[ laughs ]
I think that you're correct in thinking it's above.
I think the trauma of your son
Realizing that is that messed up is --
If you're asking, for me, I would definitely go above.
Above? Okay, I'm going with above.
-Above. -Above.
-Okay. -All right. I'm with you.
So let's see what our shrinks say.
Good luck. -Here we go.
-Here we go. Here we go. -All right.
-Come on. -Okay, okay, okay.
Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on.
-Keep going, keep going! -Keep going.
[ buzzer ]
I am afraid that is incorrect, siena.
You did not bank $500, so iden, you and your team
Please check out this misery.
[ music playing ]
They're twerking. -So far so good.
Jameela: They're twerking right by the cooker.
-Oh! -Ooh!
-Was that boiling water? -Yeah.
Look at the steam that rises up right afterwards.
-Oh! -Look at his face!
That went right in the gap.
-Wow. That was hot. -Oof.
For me, this is a straightforward one. Sure.
Do you guys feel?
I feel like physical pain is the highest, probably,
Out of the two on the board,
But, like, you heal, you move on.
I'm gonna go in between.
-That's it. That's my boy. -He's saying it's in between.
What do you think? [ cheering ]
-We got it. -We need this.
Jameela: This is amazing.
-Hey, go back, go back. -Come on! Come on! Come on!
-Go back. -Back you go. Down you go.
-Hey! -Sorry, siena.
But he was correct. -All right.
Coming up, the money doubles and so does the misery.
And later, one of these contestants, who are exes,
Will get a shot at $30,000.
[ cheers and applause ]
♪♪
[ cheers and applause ]
I'm sorry. What is happening?
I'm so sorry, guys.
Can we bring the lights down a little bit?
My wife is here. If you don't mind?
Just -- happy valentine's day.
Happy valentine's day. I remembered. I totally remembered
Joe: There's no way we can do a game show like this.
We're gonna have to keep the lights on. [ claps ]
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. The lights have to stay up.
Oh, sorry.
Why am I now the only one dressed like a dick?
I mean, sal, how dare you
Have that as your commitment to valentine's day.
How dare you. I did it! I came.
Anyway, it doesn't matter, 'cause welcome back
To "the misery index."
Iden has $500, and siena has nothing,
But there's lots more humiliation to explore,
For one of them plays for $30,000!
[ cheers and applause ]
How dare you?
The name of our next game is more or less miserable.
Siena, you are trailing behind, so you are up first.
I'm going to show you two deeply traumatic events,
And you just have to tell me
Which is worse according to our shrinks.
So for $1,000, tell me which one
Of these runway romances lands higher on the misery index.
Is it this?
[ laughter ] oh, my god.
Okay, all right.
So, the date allegedly ended up in a bank robbery.
How long have you been together? 20 to life.
-Yeah! -Nice.
Or would you say this is more miserable?
Could he [bleep] go?
Murray, do you remember that you were in a game
And there's a contestant here? Oh, yeah, sorry.
Want to just get your ass back up here?
Joe: Your date just got better.
[ applause ]
Hear me out.
I think the head stuck in the railing is
A little bit worse 'cause you're naked,
Police or firemen have to come to rescue you,
And the guy leaves.
-Yeah. You got abandoned. -Absolutely.
-Yeah. -Okay, so, sienna,
Which one would you say is worse?
Definitely your head gets stuck in the railing, definitely.
Let's first see where our shrinks put the other choice.
Sal: One is a hostage situation.
77. It's understandably high.
One involves a firearm.
And now let's see if you're right.
Oh, I'm nervous now.
-Okay, we'll see what happens. -It's okay.
It all comes down to -- [ buzzer ]
-Oh! -So that is incorrect.
And you did not win $1,000. I'm very, very sorry.
That's okay. Okay, iden, for $1,000,
Tell me which one of these unlikely couples
Ranks higher on the misery index.
Is it this?
This is miserable?
I thought this was a high-five situation.
-This is "the graduate," yeah. -Yeah.
This is, like, on the life bingo card.
This is the winning square.
Or, iden, is this more miserable?
No shade to all women.
So he always wanted to put the [bleep] in that roach?
[ laughter ]
That's your husband.
Sal: Here's the thing -- your boyfriend slept with your mom,
But, for me, it was before he dated you.
-Yeah. -Boyfriends come and go.
-Yeah. -Cockroaches stay forever.
-Yeah. -I still think we're good.
Your son is dating a cockroach is more miserable.
Jameela: Okay, your son is dating a cockroach.
Let's see where our shinks put other choice.
-Oh, boy, -oh, boy.
-66 -- very, very beatable. -Beatable.
Jameela: Let's see if your choice is correct.
-Come on, lisa! -Lisa, bring it home.
[ buzzer ]
Iden, I'm afraid that is incorrect.
Don't go anywhere, 'cause when we come back,
Someone is headed home, and someone is moving on
For their shot at $30,000!
[ cheers and applause ]
♪♪
[ romantic violin music plays ]
[ laughter ]
Murr, we got a show to do. Come on.
I got to go work. I'll be back.
Siena, I apologize.
[ applause ]
So welcome back to "the misery index."
It all comes down to this one miserable event
To determine who is the true master of misery,
Moving on to pay for their shot at the grand prize.
So currently, iden is in the lead with $500,
And siena still has nothing.
So I'm going to show you both the same event,
And your job is just to tell us
Where you think it lands on the misery index.
And the closest guess gets $2,000.
All right! That's how it goes.
-Here we go. -We need that. Need that.
Please, everyone, direct your attention
To my good friend the traumatron for our next misery.
Q lost, and we're here at the brooklyn cyclones game
For his punishment.
Buddy, all you have to do is walk out there
Onto the pitcher's mound and just say, "no."
-No? -No.
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, we kindly ask you
To please direct your attention to the pitcher's mound.
Honey, for the last seven years,
You've made me the happiest I've ever been in my life.
You are my best friend...
-Aw! -...My mentor...
-Aw! -...My love, my heart, my world.
From the moment I met you,
I knew this was something different,
Something I'd never experienced before.
I don't want to spend another minute on this earth
Not being your wife.
Brian michael quinn, will you marry me?
[ laughter ]
God.
No.
[ audience groans ]
Is this a joke?
-It gets worse. -No.
[ audience booing ]
...In front of all these people.
[ crying ] people marry me.
-Oh! -Oh, my god.
No.
-It gets worse. -Boo!
[ audience booing ]
-Oh! Oh-ho-ho! -Oh, my god.
I could just sent her a text that said,
"we gotta talk," but I didn't do that.
I didn't do that.
So, for $2,000, please talk it through
And lock in where you think "an entire stadium of people
Hates you" lands on the misery index.
I was thinking in the 60s, like 66 or some --
-I think that's high. -I think that's high.
For me, it's like 35.
-I think it's high. -You said 43?
-Yeah. -Everyone lock in!
Okay.
[ indistinct talking ]
So let's see who has mastered the misery
By being closest to the correct answer.
Iden, you said that
"an entire stadium of people hates you"
Lands at a...47.
Okay, okay.
And siena, you said that it lands at a...
All: Ooh!
This is a game!
This is it, guys. This is how we decide...
-Come on, siena! -...Who goes on to win $30,000.
[ cheers and applause ]
-Come on, siena. -Come on! Happy valentine's day!
-There we go. I think we got it. -Yes!
[ bell dinging ]
Jameela: Siena wins!
Unfortunately, that means we're going to have to
Say goodbye to iden, but siena is moving on
And will be playing for the $30,000 grand prize
Right after this. Don't go anywhere!
[ cheers and applause ]
Hello, and welcome back to "the misery index."
Round 4, and I'm still dressed like this.
So siena has chosen murr to assist her
In the grand-prize final round,
The $30,000 margin of misery.
Audience: Ooh!
You're all heart, jameela.
Jameela: So now, siena, if you win it all,
What are you gonna do with the money?
I'm going to book a flight to Italy,
And I'm gonna find myself a nice italian man.
And I'm not coming back. That's it.
Wow!
Okay, so I am going to show you three terrible events
Worth $5,000, $10,000 and $15,000.
And after each one, you will place a range finder
Where you think it lands on the misery index.
But remember, as the money gets bigger,
The range finder -- it gets smaller.
You ready to play.
-Yes. -Yeah, you are.
-Let's go! -Yeah, you are.
-Here we go. -Let's get miserable.
Audience: Ooh!
[ laughter ]
So your first event is worth $5,000
And has a range of 30 points.
Please take a look at this.
[ laughter ] oh, wow.
Here's the thing -- this is hugely traumatic
To the community.
This pastor is never getting his work back, his faith back.
-Yeah, yeah. -Right?
You trust this person with your soul. Yeah.
You know what it's like to have your trust broken.
-Yeah. -Am I right? Iden.
-Yeah. -Within a range of 30,
Where does "your pastor is caught having sexy time"
Land on the misery index?
Your time starts now.
-Come on, siena. -So, 35, 35, 36.
-5, 4... -Okay. Good?
-...3, 2, 1. -I think I'm good.
Okay, so you are locked in between 35 and 65.
For $5,000, let's see where it lands.
Good luck, siena.
Thank you.
-All right. -Come on, baby. Come on.
-Ooh! Oh, my god! -Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!
Slow down, slow down! -No, no, no!
Ahhh! -Yes!
That's what I'm talking about.
And you just banked $5,000 of iden's tears.
[ laughter and applause ]
Siena, this next event is worth $10,000,
And you're gonna have a range of 20 points this time.
-Okay. -Let's take a look at this.
Man: Take a step to your right.
Okay, so they're doing a virtual-reality exercise.
He's trying to convince her to jump off this virtual building.
-I can't. -Yeah, you can. Do it.
[ screams, thuds ]
-Oh, no! -Oh, my god.
-Oh! -Oh, no!
-Oh! -Oh, my god.
So, the point of view here
Is your husband virtually kills you.
Oh, my god.
I've played these games
Where you're trying to walk a tightrope.
-Yeah, it looks real. -And it was terrifying.
-Yeah. -Your heart races.
She's afraid, but it's not permanent.
Physical pain -- obviously, she hit her head
Extremely, extremely hard. Whack! Yep.
And not only that, her husband pushed her.
-Yeah. -I think he pushed her.
And that's just emotional pain.
What's the first number that pops in your head?
Maybe like in the 20?
-Oh. -Yeah, I agree.
-Start off mid to late? -Mid-20s? 25-45?
Okay, within a range of 20, siena, where does
"your husband virtually kills you" land on the index?
Your 10 seconds starts now. -25-45?
-27-47 -27.
-26, 27. -Okay.
-5, 4, 3... -Yep.
...2, 1.
So you are locked in between 27 and 47.
For $10,000, where did our shrinks
Rank this on the misery index?
-Come on, baby! -Come on, everybody. Come on!
It's vr! It's vr. It's not permanent!
Yes! Yes! $10,000!
-Oh, my god! -Oh, my god!
Justice just continues to be served.
It's really exciting. Right in the middle.
Okay, so here we go. This is it.
This is our final misery, and it's worth $15,000.
-Yes. -Yes.
But you're gonna have to get it within a range
Of only 10 points this time.
-Okay. -Good luck.
Take a look at this.
So he's proposing. He's trying to propose.
She kisses him.
And things go very wrong.
-Oh! -It is a bloody disaster.
And we are calling this point of view,
"you motorboat your fiancée."
-Not in a good way. -Wow.
It's a hugely important moment.
People plan this for years, months, right?
-Yeah. -There's some physical pain.
It's an accident.
She flips off the boat. Her foot goes flailing.
He flies off the boat forward. It's not long-term.
Yeah. And this is something funny
That they can look back on.
It's not often that a boat kicks your ass.
-Yeah, yeah. -That's true.
You're 39-49?
I feel like anything over like 45 is too high for this.
Okay, within a range of 10, where does
"you motorboat your fiancée" land on the misery index?
Your 10 seconds starts...
-Okay. -...Now!
I'm gonna say 37.
-37, 38. -Yeah, 37.
-5, 4, 3... -Okay, okay.
I like it, I like it. I think it's great.
I like that a lot. -What do you think?
-I like that. -I think it's great.
I like that a lot. I like that a lot.
Oh, it's stressful. This is stressful.
-I had an interesting thought. -Yeah.
You went out with that young man. Yes.
But if it wasn't for that, you wouldn't be here right now.
So the question you have to ask yourself is this --
Financially, was it worth it?
-Yes. -There you go! There you go.
Put a spin on life like that.
No matter what happens, you have already won.
-Yeah. -Truly.
Okay, so you are locked in between 37 and 47.
How are we feeling about siena's chances?
[ cheers and applause ]
Okay, for $15,000, let's see where
"you motorboat your fiancée" lands on the misery index.
This is it!
-Here we go. -Here we go!
Siena: Yeah, all right. I'm confident.
Come on, siena.
Oh, my nerves. My nerves, my nerves.
Aaaah!
[ buzzer ]
Oh, you know what? That's incorrect,
But it doesn't matter, 'cause congratulations.
Sienna, you're still going home with $17,500.
[ cheers and applause ]
-High five. -Yes!
So that'll do it for "the misery index."
I'm jameela jamil, and for me and the tenderloins
And lovely siena, good night.
Mwah!
[ cheers and applause ]
♪♪
-He's our friend. -Oh, okay.
[ cheers and applause ]
♪♪